#depends how your individual workplace feels about painting on lil veins with cinnamon sugar

[arsonforcharlie]

tonight’s fuck squad, i made a pie with a dick on it. last year i also made a pie with a dick on it, but this is a way better dick because i’ve improved my craft significantly. also, everyone except saida wore their Team Fuckit tees, and rhonia’s player brought me two dope patches as an epic gm bribe. (i really need a jean jacket)

rhonia, cutting the pie: “do i want dick? do i want spooge? decisions, decisions.”

first order of business, people on the boat get their beds- saida and rhonia get bottom bunks, and everyone else is a top. jokes ensue.

there was also a real good quality “i’s the bi” joke made by rhonia after i told them nobody on this ship was straight

sergei spends the afternoon talking to pashmina in the hold, where he tells her that he and reaper are getting married. maddela, making poisons in the hold, overhears.

they go hang out for a while before dinner, when they meet the ship’s captain, leonon boldart. he is pretty welcoming. tells them about the shell necklaces that give the crew gills in case they fall overboard, invites the squad to play cards or arm wrestling after dinner.

yoni tries to teach talon some morals, saida and maddela go for a walk, rhonia hangs out with sergei in the mess hall before bed

saida: “so what’s new maddela? feel like we haven’t had a rap session in a while. that’s how i talk now.”

maddela tells saida that reaper and sergei are getting married, and saida immediately goes to tell yoni

yoni, upon learning about reapergei: “so, does that mean reaper’s in our group now? because i don’t want to split the money another way.”

also somehow it was determined that the ship name for saida and yoni is sony

saida: “rhonia, we got news. gossip’s the devil’s telephone, so pick up.” rhonia: “what’s a telephone?” sergei: “it’s like a radio”

they also tell rhonia, and everyone is very excited to start planning weddings and maybe have a wedding shower on the ship and for gifts they’ll just have a whole tray of things that sergei can put into the bag of trading and oh my GOD

saida: “bobbie’s all ‘come explore this ship i made!’ and we’re all “WEDDING SHOWER!”

saida: “you didn’t anticipate this level of nonsense?” “honestly, no!”

while all this is happening, sergei gets chatting with the arm-wrestling champ, a dwarf with a tattoo that appears to move as she flexes. her name is helena, and she reveals that it is a magic tattoo and she got it at a place called the market of marvels in voight. you need to use a drop of your own blood to get in there, but there’s some dope shit in the underground market. then she soundly trounces sergei at arm wrestling

sergei: “well, now that i’ve been emasculated, i’m gonna go talk to my horse.”

overnight, the squad is awakened by a commotion, as pashmina spooks in the middle of the night. sergei goes down and uses speak with animals to ask what the hell. she tells him that she just got a really weird feeling and hated it.

yoni: “but if we wait [until we get on dry land for the shower] one or more of us might be dead!” rhonia: “but if i die i don’t have to buy sergei a wedding gift!”

sergei: “pashmina can be my mare of honour!” rhonia: “get her turned into a human and she can be your maid mare-ian!”

inspecting the hold, there’s not really anything up except that one of the boxes that had been stacked on another fell over. the box that fell was filled with spices.

maddela: “did any of the spices spill?” rhonia: “i think what she means to ask is, did someone bust a nutmeg?”

i did not kick any of these people out of my house

sergei went fishing, saida figured out the parador wand is useless and only enchanted to make people feel like it’s important on their quest, and yoni teaches talon to steal fish from sergei, prompting a puppet show that i’ve been told was adorable

in the middle of the night, talon wakes yoni, and gets her to come up to the deck. up there is an elven woman, with dark hair in a heavy blue traveller’s cloak.

“i’m just looking at the stars. they’re beautiful, aren’t they?” yoni: “they sure are stars!”

thanks

yoni, describing the time they killed jimmy buffett: “we fought back. then he died.”

it turns out the woman is desna, and she compliments yoni on how she’s trying to do good now, warns her about upcoming threats, gives her a pair of magic gloves, and then promptly yeets herself into the ocean.

meanwhile, there’s a similar commotion in the hold again. maddela examines the box of spices more thoroughly, but still no answers. the next morning, though, helena is dead.

“it’s like in anastasia, the woman who goes it’s me grandmama and throws off her coat? like that but viscerally gory”

rhonia speaks with dead with helena, and although she didn’t see who killed her, she was feeling very tired beforehand, and thought someone came in the night. a yoni flapdragon medical exam confirmed that she had been killed by a vampire

rhonia asks the grieving leonon to borrow helena’s bones, and then asks if you can remove a tattoo from someone. read a room

a precaution they all adopt is drawing the holy symbols of desna on their faces with maddela’s expired lipstick

sergei: butterfly face paint!

maddela: “i figure if i die i can be a druid, and still have red hair and tights.”

after spending a long time helping yoni prepare her spells with a wise use of nap stack, the squad is prepared to fight

saida: “can i cast aggressive thundercloud on the door down to the hold?” “yeah, just lock the party in there with the vampire. whoever comes out is your new party member.”

the vampire crawls out of her box and up the wall, prompting the use of the thor miniature with the suction cup bottom, as pictured. there’s a depressingly long plan involvin somehow gluing the box shut now that the vampire is awake? it does not work

maddela casts hold person on her and she plummets. on her next turn, she tries to use the wand of parador as a stake using her crossbow, because “dammit it just feels useful!” there’s a lot of very good cleric spells in here, though

the vampire sucks some of yoni and saida’s blood, doing some constitution damage, and then tries to escape.

saida kills her with an aggressive thundercloud, they stake her through the heart with the wand, and set her on fire and toss her overboard.

saida: “stupid bitch. poor and annoying.” “like me!”