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drpsyche · 7 years

Text

Serenader

Word Count: 1767

Rating: T

Based on @shadowpiratemonkey7 ‘s college and fuckboy aus. Our favorite OC from hell comes up with a full proof plan to win over the small gem/girl of her dreams.

I leaned back at the lunch table, Carnelian sat across from me, still eating. She was my wingman, the one person I could count on to bounce ideas off of and not end up in trouble with the RA.

“So,” she says, looking up at me, “Let’s go over this again. You see the girl you like; you’ve made eye contact and your going to start up your first conversation. What do you say?”

“Ask her for nudes?” I respond.

“No.”

“Ask her for… lewds?”

“No.”

“Oh! Send her nudes!”

“No!” Carnelian pinches the bridge of her nose in frustration.

“Did I come off too strong?”

“Yes, harassment is coming off too strong.”

“Damn,” I say scrunching my brow. Talking to girls is so hard. I try my best to get it across and all they usually have to talk about is boring shit, like their studies or how their days went. Why can’t everyone just be direct?

“Alright, so this girl you like, how does she know you? Do you have classes together? Have you talked?”

“I follow her sometimes,” I respond.

Carnelian gives me a weird look. She’s fond of those. It’s one of those that’s a combination of annoyance and disbelief.

“What? She’s never seen me! I think. I can hide really well. I’m sure she’s only seen me once… or twice.”

“Alright, so she probably is aware that you’re stalking her.”

“It’s not stalking! I love her.”

“Have you ever spoken to her?”

“Of course, I asked to use her pen once and we managed to talk a bit about our classes.”

Carnelian has lost the look and seems almost surprised, “That’s… good, a good way to open up and break the ice.”

‘A damn boring way’ I think.

“Yeah, I said she looked nice. And then I said she smelled nice, and then I said she’d look nice naked, and then I asked her what her schedule was like, and then I asked if she was seeing someone, and then I asked if she’d like to go out sometime and then I-”

“Ok, so you screwed up the first meeting… already.” Carnelian says, rolling her eyes.

“Well, I… um”

“At least you didn’t ask her for nudes.”

“Uhhhhhhh”

“Goddamnit A,” Carnelian says putting her face in her hands, “Can’t you just not screw up this badly?”

“But you told me to be myself!”

“No, I have never said that. Mostly because I know you, and being yourself is never a good thing.”

I grumble. Carnelian is not a good friend. All she’s got is bad advice and she tries to keep me on a leash. We need to platonically break up or something.

“Ok, so here’s what I think you should do,” Carnelian says.

An idea comes into my head; more seductive than any idea I’ve had before.

“You should apologize,” she says.

That is not my idea. In fact, apology is one of the nastiest words I can think of, an antithesis to my very being. To apologize is to be wrong! And I’m never wrong.

“No!” I say as my face lights up, “I’ll do it like in the movies, show up at her window at night with a boombox, playing something sexy. She’ll never be able to resist. She’ll be like putty in my hands, sexy sexy putty that I can-”

“No,” Carnelian says, shaking her head, “That only works if you want to apologize, which I doubt you do, or if you need to win her back. As of now, she’ll probably think you’re stalking her… which you are. You need to come off less stalkerish.”

I sigh. I don’t want to admit it, but she might be right. I don’t want campus security coming after me again.

“Ok, what If I do it and apologize to her, in a take me back sort of way?”

“She never took you in the first place.”

“Semantics.”

“Fine, but what would music you play?”

I smile a wide toothy grin, I know exactly the music.

“Lords of Acid!” I say proudly.

“NO!” Carnelian yells, “That’s a terrible idea, what in the hell are you thinking? You wanna blast explicit sex innuendos out in the middle of the night? Are you crazy?”

Clearly Carnelian does not know the seductive power of Lords of Acid. The band can charm the shorts off of any woman.

“Look, I’ll lend you my Marc Anthony CD if you please don’t wake up the whole dorm with industrial music about pussy cats.” Carnelian says.

“Thanks.” I say, smiling. Carnelian always has my back.

{Later That Night}

I jog to the dorms and look up at the windows. A few lights are still on, but most have gone to bed. I finally spy her room (it’s on the third floor), and I pick a stone up. I toss it and hit the window, thankfully not breaking it. I’m getting better at this haha!

I hold up the boombox and press play. Marc Anthony’s seductive music begins to play, and I know, deep down in the very core of my being (or my crotch, same difference) that this will do it. I can see Peri now, wooed at the music, perfectly willing to dispel the ill-informed ideas of me to see the soul of a poet beneath it. Or soul of a lover, I hate poetry, its boring and only really serves to make yourself look good so you can pick up chicks. At least to me… I’ve never had a talent for it. But that doesn’t matter! What matters is that Marc Anthony does and I’ll ride his coattails to get that sweet sweet tail.

There she is! I can see the shadows moving behind the window. Groping… hehe groping is right, for the lights so she may finally see me. C’mon, just look out the window and see me. See me and love me, I know you can do it.

There! I see a flash of blonde hair, the light goes on, the window opens and… oh shit.

“How beautiful!” says the room’s occupant.

My face falls. It’s not Peri, it’s that weirdo law student. What was her name? Yana or something? God dammnit, I’ve got the wrong room. She smiles out at me, clasping her hands together.

“You know,” Yana, continues, “I’ve always dreamed of this. An attractive mysterious stranger showing up in front of my window in the dead of night. Holding up some music in the hopes I’ll leap into their arms and be off! Oh college is such a dream come true.”

She sighs, a blissful look on her face. “I’ll admit though, in my dreams they’re always playing something from Lords of Acid, but hey, not everything can be perfect.”

“uhhhhh,” I say, looking around. This isn’t going according to my plan.

Other lights are turning on as other students are popping their heads out wondering what the commotion was. Goddamnit, how did I get the wrong room?

“So, cutie pie, what made you fall this hard huh?” Yana asks, smiling down at me.

Before I can answer, I hear another voice.

“Yana, who is it?”

I recognize that voice and when the corresponding face comes to the window, I recognize it too. Oh double shit.

Bell looks out groggily down at me, slowly the realization kicks in.

“Alright babe, you know how I said we should keep things open?” Yana asks, “Well, this little thing here just came and-”

“YOU!” Bell shouts, realization blasting away any trace of tiredness, “I remember you! You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up at my dorm like this in the middle of the night!”

“Babe, it’s like… 10,” Yana corrects, but Bell is done listening.

Things have gone down the drain rapidly at this point. Peri’s weirdo lawyer guardian/mom/creature has been a nuisance before, a final block between my destiny and me.

“Get away from her you bitch!” Bell yells and disappears from the windowsill. Yana has her back turned to me and is looking inside the room.

I wonder if I should take my leave before something happens.

Then something happens! A large book comes flying from the window, spinning in the air like a deadly Frisbee. It connects with my boom box and knocks it out of my hands, smashing it and silencing Marc Anthony… forever.

I stand there, dazed, my hands still above my head holding the air where the boom box was. I lower them and turn to the smashed machine. A large thick doorstopper of a book is embedded in it. It reads “Tax Law Volume 1”.

Things have escalated and it’s probably time to run away.

“I’ve got eleven more volumes of those and I’m not afraid to use them!” Bell shouts down at me.

Yeah, definitely time to run away.

I duck as another one flies out at me, and crashes to the ground. It’s impressive that she can throw these huge tomes with such accuracy.

“Bell!” Yana says, “You know how expensive those books are right?”

“Shut up! We’re not studying to be tax lawyers!” Bell replies before furiously throwing the third one.

The fourth one clips my shoulder as I attempt to run away and I’m knocked to the ground. Bell’s yelling profanities at me and quite a bit of the dorm has woken up to watch the festivities. I scan the building and there she is. Peri’s sticking her head out of one of the windows, wondering what’s up. Sure Lapis is right behind her too because of course she would be, she’s always there because she got to Peri first. Peri and I link eyes for a brief second and we share a moment. She shivers at the sight of me, which I will see as a shiver of anticipation and not disgust (I’m very good at ignoring the latter). Then a fifth book comes flying at my head and I manage to roll away in time.

I abscond and manage to get out of range of the sixth book as I disappear into the night. My pride is wounded and so is my body, but my resolve is unbreakable! I will woo this girl! No matter how many heavy-law-tomes-fired-from-a-crazy-lawyer-who’s-also-a-little-bit-attractive-if-I’m-honest that I have to endure. Someday, somehow, I’ll finally get Peri to love me.

Just gotta make a quick stop off at the music store tomorrow to buy a replacement CD for Carnelian. I’m 90% sure the book smashed it.

(I took Yellow and Blue’s names from definitelyameatbag’s fic that they sent in. I didn’t know what to call 8XA so I decided on just a single letter “nickname” ala S/Mystery Girl.)

#8xa #drawbauchery #shadowpiratemonkey7 #steven universe #fanfic

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