#definitely feel free to add any of your thoughts i live for this shit

[futurefarmersamerica]

important question. thoughts on evrart claire?? and/or feedist disco elysium thoughts in general 👀

i have SO MANY thoughts >:3

firstable EVRART!! i love him i do genuinely believe he has martainaise's best interests at heart he's just ruthless & slimy & willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. and if it ends up also benefiting him personally in the process then hey that's a bonus! that post that's like "if evrart was thin/conventionally attractive he'd be everyone's problematic fav" is sooooo true. he's MY problematic fav at least! everyone who's seen me go insane over arvid knows one thing i can't resist is some terrible sleazy fat guy with dark hair and glasses LOL. trying to draw the evrartgirls out of hiding by posting derangement on main like the one the other day that was like "i'd rock his shit so crazy his lazy eye starts seeing straight" but have yet to see results. also the person who said "there would be fanart of harry sitting in his lap" SO CORRECT. like hello the sexual tension between him and harry is soooo palpable. two minutes into meeting this man evrart's like "ah yes, praise kink. i can exploit this" & starts calling harry his special boy and shit?? oughhhhh. i have yet to search ao3 for harry/evrart because i'm afraid to be let down & find nothing.

as far as other thoughts i have PLENTY about harry. prime candidate for characters who deserve some fucking peace & rest & healing & getting fat in the process. like how can anyone not see this sad wet beast of a man & think "ohhh i need to wrap him in a blanket and take care of him & cook him a nice meal"??? of course i was always gonna be insane for him after the gym teacher reveal like?? jean being like "yeah you really let yourself go since then" OK??? lmao. the franconigerian hardbody conversation with billie was when i had to finally admit i was horny for him like okkkkkk the denial of it all yesss~

i'm a strong believer in the "harry's chronic pain came before the addiction as the result of post viral issues and is part of why he started self medicating in the first place" & considering physical activity can exacerbate the problem my ideal little "let harry get better scenario" is: QUIT the rcm and fucking take it easy for once!! sprinting around for 6 hours a day probably isn't helping! clearly he's good with kids considering cuno & the speedfreaks & the teaching history so he should go back to teaching but not gym. i wanna see art cop harry turn art teacher harry. and of course he ends up with kim who can't help but spoil him a lil bit. imo harry should totally be with someone who's into body worship & both totally adores his body as is and adores it even more with all the changes that come along with healing. all his self loathing makes me SO fucking sad like "this body's worthless anyway no one ever does anything nice to it" fucking DEVASTATING line. so yeah I think it would fix him at least a little bit esp bcus it would totally play into his praise kink. like i don't even really ever imagine him & kim in an explicitly feedist relationship or anything but more a incidental wg as a result of healing thing & kim just loves it and harry gradually learns to hate himself less in the process. ALSO i have definitely thought plenty about the implications of electrochemistry expressing disappointment about the ice cream freezer being empty. like ok so the sex & drugs & pleasure skill is the one that concerns itself with food also. say less.

& then of course there's garte my little meow meow babygirl. really goes to show all i need is for a man to make me laugh & have cute chubby cheeks & i'll be like "i need to turn him into my submissive little puppy who i put on a leash & give so many treats". something about the way he's sooo sad and pathetic but also plays the big shot (like with the whole "bad ass" thing and "yeah i manage many many cafeterias" when it's just 3 and one is a kebab stand lol) just makes you wanna put him in his place. & the fact that harry is so easily able to get him to consider the stupid cock carousel bullshit makes me think ok you could probably also convince him to be your spoiled feedee even though he'd definitely be a brat about it. there's no real strong evidence towards this like with harry but garte totally has a praise kink too i can just tell & wanna use it against him soooo badly.

[neiptune]

this town is fake but you're the real thing

cw: 11k wc, female reader, social media relationship, suna downloads an app that randomly matches anonymous users with each other because osamu thinks it'll help him open up more, strangers to lovers, romance, pining, so much texting, suna is as emotionally constipated as it gets

Against all expectations, it’s Osamu who managed to get under his skin.

An innocent night out to celebrate the new Onigiri Miya branch in Shizuoka, a few beers shared on a bench by the port, what started as innocent conversation about each other’s dating life soon turning into a painfully precise evaluation of why he can’t seem to find someone worth keeping around.

“You don’t really open up to them”, his friend shrugged.

“I open up to them plenty. I’ve been with Yuki for three months”, Suna refuted such harsh remark with a scowl.

“Yeah”, Samu mused, “have you ever shared anything about your friends and family? What’s the most vulnerable thought or feeling you discussed?”.

Rintaro took a moment to reflect, begrudging silence weighing more each second spent quiet.

“She met Motoya”.

Osamu rolled his eyes, “Shit, you’re right— can’t believe ya didn’t propose. Meeting Komori’s the real deal”.

“You know, if I wanted to hang out with the twin who’d be a pain in my ass, I would’ve called your brother”.

With a snort and a handsome grin, Osamu lightly bumped his shoulder against Suna’s. “Ya love us”, then his gaze softened as he took a swig from the bottle, “I’m just sayin’. Maybe a relationship is not what you need right now”.

“Then what do I need?”, despite a fiery remonstrance, Rintaro found himself leaning onto Osamu’s judgement. He’d always been very good at reading people, much like his brother, but Samu’s approach was always balanced and, most importantly, sincere. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps there was something he’s missing about himself, something that shined bright for his best friend to catch instead.

“A connection, dumbass”, Osamu lightly pat his shoulder, “it doesn’t have to be romantic. It definitely doesn’t have to be sexual. You need to find someone you can talk to”.

“I talk—”

“Someone who isn’t us. Not me, not ‘Tsumu”, he ignored Rintaro’s indignant scoff, “not Shinsuke, not Aran. You need to get out of your comfort zone with someone new. A stranger!”.

“A stranger? You want me to stop someone on the street and casually ask them to listen to whatever trauma is tied to my fear of flying?”.

“Start small”, Osamu’s eyes glinted with the excitement that a good idea usually brings, “try that app Bokuto was trying so hard to get Sakusa to download. Matchpal, was it?”.

“Sounds like a great way to have a fifty year old creep flash me with a dick pic. No, thank you”.

“I’d think about it. Ya know, we’re not getting any younger. Like ‘Tsumu said, you—”

“I should hurry up before I grow old with only my emotional unavailability to keep me company, I remember”, Rintaro finished his beer with a grimace. Osamu chuckled, eventually dropped the topic, but the suggestion remained unpleasantly hanging over his head both like a succulent fruit and a risky presage.

So now he’s slumped in the living room of the spacious apartment the EJP provides, a quiet Friday evening spent cooking some stew for dinner and facetiming his family. The tv is on as a distraction and an easy way out should things get uncomfortable. Surely Dwight will keep him grounded.

Suna’s already downloaded the app but it takes one episode and a half to muster the courage to actually tap on it. 

The interface is pretty easy to navigate. It seems he’s supposed to create a minimalist profile first and then he’d be free to start a new, random chat. Users can opt out anytime or, if they wish to keep a specific person as their anonymous match, add them as a friend and pin the conversation within their personal directory. Nothing too complicated.

Suna’s patience wears thin easily and after a few attempts at picking unavailable usernames, he settles for crysnoopy. Finally, original enough at last.

Since not revealing one’s identity seems to be the point of the entire thing, he can’t upload a profile picture and instead has to select one random avatar from the default library. He picks a cartoon frog with big eyes and no mouth on a light green background.

There he is, an anonymous online presence on a stupid app. His profile only contains a nickname, he/him pronouns, age and a cute icon. No interests listed, no boundaries, not a single space where he could leave a polite note— please don’t send unsolicited dick pics. Not that he ever plans on requesting one.

Suna starts a few new chats, faceless identities either ending the conversation right away upon his dry and unoriginal hey or being as odd as one would imagine strangers in an anonymous community could be.

Lavenderhaze

-> Hi.

Lavenderhaze

-> How are you?

He sinks deeper into the nice couch pillows Atsumu forced him to get.

crysnoopy

-> hey. all good, wbu?

Lavenderhaze

-> Good, bored.

Lavenderhaze

-> Should we exchange nudes or something?

Rintaro sighs. Hesitation is laced into the delay of his thumb but eventually he taps the skip option, Osamu’s ominous words still ringing loud and clear in his head. It’s not what he downloaded the dumb app for, it’s not what he needs right now. Fuck, maybe he really should’ve called Atsumu instead.

A new chat opens after a short loading time and his nose wrinkles when he realizes that he’ll probably have to send the first message this time. The username staring back at him is original enough to make Suna take a few seconds to think of something equally entertaining to say. The whole thing is never going to work if he doesn’t take it seriously and actually puts some effort in it, right?

He looks up from his phone for a second. Then, a loud ping makes him jump.

Unfinishedusernam

-> When you shower, do you actively wash your legs or just let soapy water rinse down on them?

Rintaro almost huffs out a laugh. Original username and approach? A good enough start to ignite the hope of finally be talking to someone sane.

crysnoopy

-> I don’t shower.

A beat passes, then the small animation of a hand idly scribbling with a pencil indicates that you’re typing something back.

Unfinishedusernam

-> That’s hot.

-> Why the username?

Suna’s lips twitch, not a smile but almost. He wants to type an equally sarcastic reply, brush the question off and maybe ask something more interesting instead. But then he remembers what he’s doing and forces an honest reply out of his fingers.

crysnoopy

-> my little sister used to scream like an eagle when she cried, the one thing that always shut her up was a snoopy plush I won at the arcade.

Suna barely registers that his leg starts bouncing lightly as he watches the little hand appear on the screen once more.

Unfinishedusernam

-> I’m glad it’s something cute :)

-> Lowkey thought you were an incel

This time he really does snort out half a laugh.

crysnoopy

-> if I was I would’ve asked why your username is edging me.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Fair. So… you do shower, right?

crysnoopy

-> I promise I do.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Damn, my incel detector has truly failed me.

-> You seem suspiciously normal btw, I feel like we could have a conversation that doesn't involve dicks

Suna’s hand blindly reaches for the remote to lower the volume of the show he currently doesn’t seem to need as additional emotional support.

crysnoopy

-> likewise. wanna make it official?

Unfinishedusernam

-> Jeez, at least buy me dinner first

Rintaro’s beat to it, before he can even click on the option there’s already a colorful notification popping up on his screen, informing that he has a new friend request.

He accepts it.

It took some convincing for Samu to agree but, eventually, the spot on the pull-out couch became his. Between Hyogo and Shizuoka, with imminent plans of further expanding in Tokyo, he’s always travelling to make sure the shops are keeping their top quality standard high. The Shizuoka branch is still too recent for him to retreat back to his hometown for good, so he’s there most of the time. Suna had to call him an idiot a million times before Osamu accepted his hospitality, never one to ask for anything, always first in line to help others instead. Suna thinks he still didn’t call him an idiot enough times.

They’re both gone most of the day anyway, between the restaurant and training. The season is about to start and the trip to Osaka feels more imminent than ever, Suna knows he has to be at the top of his game to perform exactly how he’s expected to. Which means, no distractions. He does a good job at avoiding those, dating apps left unopened and the way home now shorter than usual, to circumvent his favorite bakery. Those blueberry muffins will have to wait. Samu’s healthier alternative with gram oats and bananas is one hell of a substitute anyway.

Suna loves his friend, he really does. The house feels less empty when he’s around and there’s always a homemade meal tucked somewhere in the fridge. They share breakfast when they get up at the same time and night conversations at the kitchen table if Rintaro manages to stay awake late enough to wait for Osamu to be back.

But sometimes, being alone is easier. No explanations owed for the one distraction he seems unable to give up, no curious raise of the eyebrows he’d have to confront when the familiar ping from his phone prompts an immediate reaction the wrong twin would tease him endlessly for.

He’s always been a dry texter or so his friends, teammates and relatives have always told him. Suna didn’t ever think he was supposed to make an effort to become better at written communication, or communication in general. But now, there’s you. A faceless, perhaps not entirely sane someone who makes him check his notifications way too often, insides spasming when the message doesn’t come from one of his groupchats and the Matchpal icon flashes across the screen instead.

Suna likes talking to you, so much that he often finds himself being the one to text first. It’s okay if you’ll take hours to get back to him sometimes, he knows for certain that the message is eventually going to light up his screen and that’s enough to make him smile. Sometimes you text first, at either ungodly hours in the middle of the night or during the day, if you’re bored at work. He doesn’t know what your job is, you don’t know precisely what Suna does either because, again, anonymity. The only detail he’s familiar with is that you’re often around “wearing but rewarding humans”, as you’d once put it. The one thing you know about him is that he’s an athlete, something you had briefly teased him for.

When he’s not talking to you, when parts or even the entirety of days that used to belong to him and his routine alone are devoid of your messages, Suna finds himself thinking. Or rather, imagining. There’s a lot he doesn’t know and he refuses to overwhelm you with questions, therefore his mind desperately tries to fill in the gaps to no avail. Are you spending the evening reading a book, watching a tv show? Did you cook dinner or order takeout? How happy are you that it’s been raining for three days straight on a scale of ‘I can only function if it’s sunny and bright’ to ‘leave me in a storm and watch me flourish�� ?

Most times, Suna simply plugs the charging cable into is phone, switches off the bedside light and hopes to wake up to one of your texts. They seem to be making an increasingly dangerous difference between a good day and a bad one. He’s not entirely sure it’s ideal.

Unfinishedusernam

-> The humans are testing me today. Whatever you’re doing, I hope you’re having fun!

-> Ah, look what my mom baked yesterday. Told her I have a friend who’d love these :)

-> [IMG_65209]

Rintaro, elbows resting on his knees and towel haphazardly thrown around the neck, smiles at the screen. God, he hasn’t had a blueberry muffin in over a month, but what he’s really focusing on is that you’ve mentioned him. To your mom. There’s a low, static buzz in his ears now, punctuated by the thumps of his heart growing louder. It makes you feel more real, it also makes something simmer in his stomach.

crysnoopy

-> I’m at training.

-> They look really good. Send me one immediately. How was family dinner?

He’s enabled auto-capitalization for the first time in his life, for god’s sake. The Inarizaki groupchat was so disturbed Atsumu decided to apply the same additional authenticator method used by his online banking and forced Suna to reply to a secret question. One only the real Suna would know the answer to.

He successfully demonstrated the needed personal knowledge concerning the color of Aran’s lucky underwear in high school and thus confirmed his identity.

Unfinishedusernam

-> It was nice! I love spending time with them

-> How’s training?

Rintaro finds himself wanting to give his identity shape too. It’s the first time he’s seen your hand, holding that tupperware underneath the dim light of your mom’s kitchen. He wants to feel more real for you, too.

He snaps a picture of his hand holding a half-empty water bottle, careful to hide his shoes. Not that you’d be able to immediately tell he plays volleyball from those, but just in case. You do get to see part of his legs though, shorts and their very recognizable colors kept out of frame.

crysnoopy

-> [IMG_65209]

-> Almost done, very tired

He watches as the little hand scribbles, then stops. It resumes the writing, then stops once more. His leg is bouncing again, teeth sinking into his bottom lip. He straight up jumps when, suddenly, someone loudly falls on the empty spot next to him and the bench creaks.

“We’re on a roll today, my blocks are almost as good as yours”, Washio grins, temples shining with sweat. He briefly glances down at the phone Suna almost drops when it vibrates against his palm.

“You okay?”.

“Yes”, Rintaro clears his throat, makes a show of shoving the phone right back into his bag, “you’re in shape today. Motoya too”.

“Ready for Osaka!”, Komori fist-bumps Tatsuki right before sitting next to him with an exaggerated groan, “hey, is your friend still in town? The Miya twin. We could go out tonight, get some drinks”.

“We literally leave in three days”, Suna’s fist lightly lands on his teammate’s head.

“Mocktails”, Motoya sticks his tongue out.

“I feel like I already see your faces enough. And I’m about to see them even more”.

“Rintaro don’t be a grumpy asshole, challenge once again failed”, Tatsuki rolls his eyes, “you’re always glued to that damn phone when you’re not playin’. Let’s go out, have fun, possibly get laid?”.

Suna sighs heavily. “Fine. I wanted to visit Samu’s new shop anyway, we can have dinner and take him with us afterwards”. He should get Osamu a gift, a nice plant or a maneki-neko. He’ll stop by a few shops on the way home, he decides.

“Now you’re talking!”, Washio smacks his shoulder with way too much energy, “let’s ask Nagito too, he’s gonna love some free onigiri!”.

“Hey, we’re payin’ for those”.

“Sure we are!”.

“I’m serious, you ass—”

“That’s enough gossiping, boys. Get back to work!”, by muscle memory, their legs react to coach’s boisterous voice and all three men jump up from their seats. Suna spends the rest of the late afternoon training thinking about the text message hidden in his gym bag.

It’s way past 6PM when training ends, the last half an hour was spent studying opponent videos and then simulating different match scenarios. Suna’s brain feels fried and on any other day he’d be so ready to get a massage, eat a well-balanced dinner and melt on his couch in front of a good tv show until his eyelids would grow heavy.

Instead, he takes the long way home, legs heavy as he explores different shops in search for the perfect gift. He settles for a very beautiful, handmade, porcelain maneki-neko, left paw raised instead of the right one because Suna knows Osamu will always care about having more customers who trust his restaurant rather than having more money.

The shop owner puts the gift in an elegant box and seals the bag with a delicate ribbon, he thanks the old lady with a deep bow and despite his limbs feeling heavy with fatigue, as he breathes in the cool air of the evening, Suna is content. He thinks of the message sitting pretty in his pocket as he heads home.

Unfinishedusernam

-> You have really nice hands

He didn’t open it, not yet. It’s reassuring to have the notification sitting there, untouched and polished against his lockscreen.

It shouldn’t matter that a stranger on an app is complimenting his hands, it really shouldn’t. Then why does it, somehow? Suna is happy you find his hands nice, which feels like a recipe for disaster. As he walks past his favorite bakery, he remembers you mentioning how you enjoy grabbing croissants for breakfast at times. When he told you that he was about to leave for a retreat with his team, after asking if their destination was one among Tokyo, Osaka and Yokohama, you proceeded to list all your favorite cafes, bakeries and restaurants for each of them. Just in case he had the time and wanted to check them out. As much as he tries to keep his distance, something as trivial as mentioning the correct city possibly resulting too risky, you always seem to go out of your way to reach closer. Taking the time to prepare three separate lists of suggestions while simultaneously respecting his boundaries is an effort he deems… unexpected. It feels weird in the best way. He almost wants to tell you it’s Osaka after all, give you something real, something new to hold on to. Maybe he’ll even tell you it’s volleyball.

“Coming home from another bad date?”, the unexpected quip startles Suna as he looks up from the sidewalk to find his not so friendly neighbor directing a saccharine smile at him, trash bags in hand. Not too long ago, he would’ve asked if she needed help with those.

“At least I still go on dates”, he purposefully eyes her attire, hoodie and sweatpants. Suna knows she’s just trying to annoy him, she can see the gym bag.

“With women who are blind, deaf, mute and desperate?”, she offers a sly smile and he rolls his eyes.

“That’s not a very flattering description of yourself, now”.

She huffs out a sarcastic laugh but Suna can see right through it: the irritation and the embarrassment.

“Always a pleasure running into you, Suna”.

“Likewise”, he smirks, “careful with those bags”.

Suna says goodbye with an unbothered wave of the hand despite her giving him the finger, positively happy that for a good while the chances of running into his neighbor will be reduced to zero. Osaka can’t come fast enough.

The thing is, he was surprised she lived so close when they first started chatting on a regular dating app. When Suna confirmed they were essentially in the same neighborhood, she was the one to propose a dinner right away.

Truthfully, it had been a bad day for him, for a number of reasons. Training was terrible, he was worried sick about his little sister’s sprained ankle, his own tendinitis was giving him hell and Atsumu had decided to call him to talk his ear off for an entire hour about the surprise party they were supposed to throw for Kita’s birthday. Yet, he didn’t feel like bailing on his date, so he forced himself out of the house with the worst mood.

Dinner was terrible. Awkward, tense, her growing increasingly impatient about his lack of responsiveness, him snapping at the tiniest, dumbest inputs. The entire night ended up being such a disaster she left halfway through her creamy salmon pasta, a few banknotes tucked underneath a glass of water, enough to pay half the bill. He remembers deflating in his seat, feeling terrible for five minutes, finishing his own dinner and then leaving as if nothing happened.

Suna thought about texting, maybe even apologizing, but he just never found it in himself to actually do it. It was just a bad date, bad dates happen. He’d never seen her before, or maybe simply didn’t pay enough attention to notice her presence, so there was no way he could’ve anticipated just how fucking often he’d run into her from that day onwards. She never failed to remind him of her resentment and, frankly, that ended up igniting his.

Of course Osamu’s leftovers are on his kitchen counter, neatly wrapped in tin foil. He remembers how hungry he’d feel after training, so when he knows Suna’s going to be busy until the late afternoon, he always makes sure to cook an extra portion.

Rintaro lets the gym bag fall onto the floor, right next to the couch he drops on with a groan. He’s already showered, he simply needs to change clothes and head out once more. When he checks the latest messages, his brows furrow in confusion.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Still at training?

Unfinishedusernam

-> Fuck, sorry, that was probably weird.  

Unfinishedusernam

-> I really didn’t mean to sound like a creep

Suna really, actually smiles at his screen. You’re insecure about complimenting him, which is sweet. He should’ve complimented you first.

crysnoopy

-> Just got home

-> You didn’t sound like a creep, I like your hands too :)

His heartbeat picks up in pace when the hand starts scribbling shortly after, indicating that you’re online and were probably waiting for his reply.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Ugh, see? Now you feel like you’re forced to compliment me

crysnoopy

-> No I don’t?

Unfinishedusernam

-> Liar. Here, if you’re sincere, compliment these.

-> [IMG_98279]

A laugh bubbles from his throat when he opens the picture of your feet in a pair of fuzzy fox slippers.

crysnoopy

-> They’re beautiful. I’d kill to have an identical pair

-> So you have nice hands and cool slippers, good to know.

Unfinishedusernam

-> You’re a flirt in your everyday life, aren’t you?

Once again, Suna hesitates. He is, clearly he is. In all likelihood, if he knew you in real life, he would be. You’re nice, intelligent, funny, someone he can easily see himself being interested in. But it’s not what he downloaded the app for, he shouldn’t wander in flirty territory, he really shouldn’t.

crysnoopy

-> Only if they own a pretty set of slippers

When has he ever been good at following judicious advice?

Unfinishedusernam

-> Knew it. Flirt.

-> Can I ask you something?

crysnoopy

-> Ask away

Unfinishedusernam

-> Why are you on this app?

He sighs. Flirty territory is easier than honesty territory. A quick glance at the clock on his kitchen wall instills a sense of urgency as he types a reply, as raw and sincere as it gets.

crysnoopy

-> I wanted to find out if I could open up to strangers more than I do with people I actually know

He really fucking hopes Osamu is proud. Let it be known that he’s trying.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Do you think you could open up to me?

Suna exhales from his nose. This is definitely not the type of conversation he wanted to have while on a rush.

crysnoopy

-> Maybe

-> I’d like that.

He waits for a few seconds, chat gone silent. Maybe you logged off, maybe you don’t know how to reply, either way Suna feels a weight lifting from his chest. It’s true, he thinks he might have a deeper conversation with you of all people. A faceless someone who sends him pictures of stray cats and nice sunsets, who makes him smile at silly jokes. He shortly wonders if you’d like to open up to him in the same way, if being vulnerable will ever be on the table. For now, he’s okay with simply letting you know.

Osaka ends up being extra motivating.

The EJP Raijin players have been training hard, religiously respecting their schedules: there’s no time for slacking off, days punctuated by a disciplined sleep routine, physical and tactical training, cool-down exercises, refuelling afternoons and evenings spent cross-training. The synergy within the team is off the charts, they have won every single practice match played so far and the excitement is palpable as the game with the Black Jackals approaches.

Their training sessions are usually shorter. Atsumu insists it’s because they’re in better shape, Suna’s almost punched him in the face over dinner.

When he’s not too exhausted, against all odds, he enjoys spending some time with old friends and acquaintances. He knows it’s going to be a difficult game, Sakusa is a pain in the ass to block and Inunaki, their libero, is very talented. But he thinks he’s ready.

As they stroll through the city when their free days or breaks coincide, Suna is sometimes hit with pangs of a sentiment not entirely foreign. Nostalgia, regret? He can never tell for certain. He misses having his friends around, being in the same place at all times, travelling less. As he thinks of Osamu currently being the only occupant of his large, painfully empty apartment, while he shares a portion of takoyaki with an ever annoyingly loud Atsumu, when he listens to Bokuto enthusiastically detail his relationship with Keiji, he thinks he’s missing out on too many things and he’s past feeling unperturbed about it.

“Shoyo says he’s very happy in Brazil, asked us to visit soon. Ya should come”, Atsumu lightly bumps Suna’s shoulder with his as they walk by the river, in search of a good viewing spot. The colorful procession carrying portable shrines is quickly filling up the boats to be paraded up and down the Okawa river. While it’s still early for fireworks, oh and bunraku performances are about to begin on different stage boats, and the air is filled with fragrances coming from the endless rows of festival food stalls. What an unexpected fortune, to be in town for the Tenjin Matsuri.

“Not gonna crash on your friend’s couch”, Suna’s peremptory tone makes Atsumu roll his eyes.

“Why are you being so pissy today? What’s up, scared you’re gonna lose?”.

Rintaro searches for something in his friend’s annoyingly familiar, limpid gaze as Bokuto snickers next to him. He finds his own affection, honed by years of joint quarrels, reflected in it.

“Rin?”, Atsumu’s worried now, head slightly tilted to the side. Suna offers a tiny smile.

“Do you ever miss Hyogo?”.

“No”, the answer comes quick, “I miss my family, I miss my friends. Yer ugly face especially. Places are just places”, he shrugs and Suna feels his shoulders relax.

“We’re lucky, we still get to catch up”, Bokuto smiles, “it’s okay to feel sad sometimes though”.

“I’m not sad”, Suna grimaces, “t’was just a question. Shut up”.

“Aw, don’t be shy! Keiji always says owning how we really feel is important”, Bokuto offers him one of his dangos and he begrudgingly takes it.

“I feel like… you should shut up”, he gruffs out. Atsumu snickers at that and Bokuto pouts. Suna doesn’t pay attention to any of them, too preoccupied with taking a decent picture of the boats. He wonders if he’ll be able to make the fireworks look as pretty as they’re in real life, to show them to you.

He doesn’t care that you’ll know where he is, it isn’t but a small part of himself he wishes to unravel for you. It’s what you two have been doing, no? Occasionally sending each other messages that go beyond jokes and memes. You now know he has twins as friends, just how much he loves his little sister, his favorite dish. Suna knows you live close to your family and visit them as often as possible, that you always bring a can of tuna in your bag should you come across stray cats on the way to work. He knows you’re scared of the dark and can’t look at blood without feeling dizzy. You’re trusting, extremely indecisive, a fierce procrastinator, you spend too much time on tiktok and are scared to death you’re not going to be able to keep those who are important to you in your life, forever. Suna gets it, really.

He hasn’t been able to say much, you opened up to him as if it was nothing and he still can’t bring himself to share much more than comforting words and feeble details. Who cares if he likes yakisoba? He hates how detached he feels from everyone else. He feels lonely. He wishes he still lived in the same town as his friends. Sometimes he goes to sleep with the tv left on, to simulate someone else’s presence in a cold, empty apartment. He misses his family, like, all the time. The thought of getting on a plane paralizes him. He doesn’t think he’s good enough at volleyball, his team may lose and it would be his fault. He doesn’t think he’s good enough.

“Taking cute pics for your mystery girl?”, Atsumu grins widely. Suna keeps a composed facade, calmly snaps a few additional shots, but internally he’s screaming. It’s his fault for expecting a twin to keep a secret, really.

“How d’you know they’re not for my instagram?”.

“You haven’t updated your feed in a year”, Bokuto points at his phone screen, sunarin profile open to prove a point. Rintaro almost snatches it from his hand to throw it into the river below.

“She’s not my girl”, he grumbles instead, “just a random person I talk to. It was Osamu’s idea”.

“It was a good idea. I’ve been trying to get Kiyoomi on that app too, you’re both so closed off”.

On any other occasion, Suna would’ve denied that and retorted with an abrasive remark. Not this time, though.

“Yeah. Trying to improve there”, he huffs, to which Atsumu’s ready-to-take-the-piss expression softens.

“Right. So how is she? Can’t remember the last time you texted with a stranger for more than a week before they were either ghosted or became your girlfriend”.

“She’s okay. I don’t know much”.

“Everyone on Matchpal is anonymous”, Kotaro fills in Atsumu’s knowledge gaps.

“She has to be more than okay if you’ve been talking for over a month”, the older Miya insists, prodding mercilessly at Suna’s discretion.

“She’s funny”, he finally concedes, “and smart. Makes opening up to a stranger look too easy”.

“Smart? Okay, ya definitely wouldn’t be her type then”, part of the tightness in Suna’s chest dissipates as his fist collides with Atsumu’s arm.

“I think that’s the point, though. You don’t know each other and will never meet, so you can admit things you wouldn’t normally mention. Be vulnerable”, Bokuto finishes his dangos and crumples up the small disposable cardboard box they came with.

“Yes but at this point she doesn’t really feel like a stranger anymore”, Suna pauses after saying that out loud, surprised by his own words. When has he stopped considering you a faceless someone on a random app, exactly? He realizes he’s given you a voice in his head. A smile he imagines reacting to his lame jokes, when he deflects tentative personal questions. He’s given you a routine, shared most of his. You don’t feel like a stranger anymore but you’re not exactly a friend. What are you, then?

“Uh-oh”, it takes a moment to realize that the teasing sound comes from Bokuto. Crap.

“And we could meet”, Suna pushes, “Shizuoka is not that big”.

“She’s from Shizuoka? Christ”, Atsumu lets out a low whistle, “does she know you live in the same city?”.

“She never asked”, if the justification sounds odd, his friends are kind enough not to point it out. He doubts Osamu would be as lenient. Truth is, he didn’t ask either: after some time, you had just randomly disclosed the information, probably because you perceived him as a very discrete person. Which, for the record, he is.

“I’m going to ask you this question just once. Do ya like this girl?”.

“No”, obviously not, “I don’t even know her”.

“Oh? But you just said she doesn’t feel like a stranger?”, Bokuto’s eyebrows shoot up.

Suna sighs. His limbs feel heavy but it’s a different feeling than the one he gets after practice, more draining.

“He’ll figure it out”, the weight of Atsumu’s hand on his shoulder feels weirdly comforting.

I don’t know what she feels like, Suna wants to say. He settles for saying nothing, as the hold on his shoulder grows tighter for a split second.

Coach is going to have an earful ready for Motoya if he doesn’t show up on time at practice, in the morning. He’s still out celebrating-drinking with other teammates, their first Tenjin Matsuri an excuse good enough to be late. Suna doesn’t mind having the hotel room to himself for the evening, a welcome novelty: he just hopes he won’t have to drag his friend out of bed the following day.

His hair is still wet, the bed way too comfortable to consider getting dressed. You, a distraction that fills his stomach with fuzzy warmth, something that for a second makes him forget why his phone has been exploding with notifications.

It’s that stupid instagram post he decided to share after a year of semi hiatus, online presence proven only by the occasional story he’d upload. Suna feels particularly caught in his feelings today, so why not post the selfie Atsumu took by the river? His comment is pinned at the top of the section, with over 8k likes.

miyatsumu brothers ❤️

Bokuto left a heart too, Samu and Kita some of their usual simple but genuine comments. Love you guys. Miss you :). It’s easy for them, a skill he wants to master as well. It’s not enough for the people in his life to simply know that he loves them, Suna wants tell them more.

He takes a look at other comments, smiling faces with heart-eyes emojis and inappropriate compliments from strangers that make him laugh. He shortly wonders what your instagram looks like. Filled with pictures of you with your friends and family, no doubt. A feed that showcases your favorite food and places, creative outfits, witty captions and sometimes no captions at all. It’d fit you.

His phone pings again.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Osaka!!!!

-> Fuck I’m so jealous, I never got to see the festival :( did you have fun?

crysnoopy

-> I did. Some old friends are in town too, we’re playing against each other soon

Unfinishedusernam

-> Your friends are also athletes???

-> Now I feel bad, this is literally how I’m spending the evening

-> [IMG_62371]

Suna smiles upon opening the picture. You’re sitting on your couch and the hand not holding the phone is doing a V sign, a lidded tray balanced on your legs, tv channel set on a show he’s never been interested in. The lights are dim, the room doesn’t seem too big but it feels so cozy. The way a home should feel. He sees a coffee table and some lit candles by the tv unit.

crysnoopy

-> Looks like a perfect evening to me

Unfinishedusernam

-> I only walked 200 steps today.

crysnoopy

-> I’m like trying really hard to find something nice to say

-> Every morning is an opportunity to create a masterpiece called life?

-> Stop surviving, start thriving?

Unfinishedusernam

-> Fuck you for making me laugh, I almost dropped my dinner

He laughs as well, out loud, then double taps your message to like it so that you know he’s still acknowledging it, despite something more urgent suddenly prompting the quick movement of his fingers.

crysnoopy

-> Hey, remember when we talked about how you’re really scared of losing the people you love?

Suna can almost sense your surprise, it’s evident in the way the little scribbling hand appears and disappears repeatedly as you probably try to think of something appropriate to say.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Yeah?

crysnoopy

-> I feel that too

-> Most days I wake up thinking I’m a bad person

Another pause. This must be the most exposed he’s ever felt and Suna is grateful your replies are not as fast as they usually are because his hands are suddenly cold, palms clammy and disgusting.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Why do you think that?

crysnoopy

-> I don’t do enough to show how I feel and one day that could make them leave

-> Maybe stability isn’t for me and that scares me

-> I get bored easily, I don't want to commit. What if what’s regular, easy for everyone else will never be my thing?

Well, that’s a whole lot of fucking baggage he just dropped on you. His first instinct is to apologize, to ask you to just forget it, deflect with some joke about having had too much to drink and being in his feels. But he doesn’t do that. Why? What makes him want to trust you with all that? Perhaps it’s just curiosity, wanting to find out what a complete stranger would think of the thoughts that eat him alive at night. Maybe he’s hoping for some miraculous solution offered on a silver plate. Or he just wants to check if he’s able to even do the whole being vulnerable thing in the first place.

Your response comes after a couple minutes and Suna doesn’t remember the last time he felt so nervous.

Unfinishedusernam

-> How did you meet your current friends?

He furrows his brows.

crysnoopy

-> Most of them I met in school

Unfinishedusernam

-> So they made the conscious decision of being your friends every single day, all this time

-> Btw getting bored easily is okay. A bad person wouldn’t be asking those questions about himself :)

-> You can always work on what you want to improve

crysnoopy

-> You make it sound too easy

Unfinishedusernam

-> Sometimes it really is tho

-> You’re not too late, you know. Tell your friends that you love them, tell your family that you miss them

Unfinishedusernam

-> It doesn’t have to be easy right away

-> You get to make your own regular. Create your new normal

Suna exhales, reads your messages over and over again. It’s oddly comforting realizing that he is, in fact, not too late yet. Why does he always think that he is?

His phone pings again.

Unfinishedusernam

-> I think you’ll find a person you’ll want to commit to

-> That’s what I tell myself after all my failed dates anyway lol

-> Remember, be the change that you wish to see on tinder

Suna snorts, heart lighter in the hotel room he sits alone in. He could get drunk on the relief suddenly filling his chest, it feels like the touch of a cool hand over a feverish forehead.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Still there?

crysnoopy

-> I’m here

How could he not be?

crysnoopy

-> Thank you

Unfinishedusernam

-> How’s opening up to a stranger feel? :)

Good, if the stranger is you. Apparently.

crysnoopy

-> Mysteriously comforting

-> How are you failing those dates? Do I have to beat anyone up?

Unfinishedusernam

-> Nah

-> It just seems the guys I’m into are never into me

crysnoopy

-> That sucks for them

It really, truly, actually does. He doesn’t remember the last time he felt as comfortable sharing something so personal over text, it’s all so natural Suna is convinced he’d be able to do that in person as well. How would it feel to meet you? Would the magic wear out, is this so easy only because an anonymous profile on a silly app?

Sure, Suna doesn’t know your name or what you look like, but that doesn’t make you a stranger. He knows you enough for the words to almost spill out of his hands, words that press threateningly against the pads of his fingers.

He’d be into you. He’d date you. That’s what he wants to say: there’s no need to know how you look or the name printed on some documents, he knows enough. It’s a weird feeling that scares him and clouds his mind for a brief moment, as he waits for your reply.

Unfinishedusernam

-> That’s sweet of you to say!

-> Last time I went out with a guy I really liked it was a disaster

-> He also lived pretty close to me, thank god he moved now

crysnoopy

-> Well, joke’s on him. He’s missing out big time

Unfinishedusernam

-> Stop being cute, I’ll fall for you

Suna takes a sharp breath. Reading the words does something funny to his stomach, something Atsumu would tease him for.

Shit, Atsumu. The game is so close. When’s the last time volleyball disappeared from his brain like that, with the snap of invisible fingers? Can he afford being this distracted?

Unfinishedusernam

-> This dinner fucking slaps btw

-> They opened a new place in my city, add that to the list of spots you have to visit if you swing by shizuoka

-> It’s called onigiri miya

Suna chokes on his own spit so badly he thinks he’s gonna die as he abruptly sits up, coughing fit that brings tears to his eyes. He stares at his screen in disbelief, sudden reminder of how tangible and close you actually are burning like a slap in the face.

Samu picks up after a few rings, it’s late enough for him to be either still in the shop or getting out of the shower.

“Hey, what’s up? Saw your pic with that scrub—”

“Did a girl come to the shop today?”, the question is uttered with so much urgency the line goes silent for a few seconds.

“My day was great, thanks for asking! I’m okay, eating dinner on your couch right now”, the fake singsong tone makes him roll his eyes.

“I’m sorry, this is an emergency. She just told me she was at your shop today”.

“Really? Did she like it?”.

“Osamu”.

He chuckles lightly.

“Okay. First, please tell me why we care so much that she came to the shop today?”.

Suna loves his friend, he really does. Sometimes he wishes he was close enough to be punched in the face. “Stop being a dick”.

“Fine. A girl did come to the shop today”, Suna’s heart almost stops, “… along with a million others”, he deflates against the pillow once again, defeated. He knows it’s something he really shouldn’t do but he still sends the picture to Osamu, slightly cropped to leave out everything that’s not useful to the investigation. The two things his friend gets to see are your dinner and a V sign.

There’s a pause, one Rintaro swears is filled by the loud pounding of his restless heart.

“I know who she is”, Osamu speaks quietly, in a tone that leaves no room for sarcasm.

“What?”, Suna’s voice comes out thin, incredulous.

“I remember her. Came in as I was about to close the shop, bowed and begged for whatever leftovers I might’ve had. She looked like she had a horrible day, so I just…”.

“Put something together for her”, as you always do.

“Yeah! I usually don’t use those trays but I didn’t have any of the regular ones left”.

“Well, how is she?”, Suna cringes at the impatience vibrating in his voice, it makes him sound desperate. Osamu hums, it’s a voluntarily prolonged sound that makes him scoff.

“She’s really sweet. Apologized a million times, left a generous tip. I think you’d like her”.

“Yeah?”.

“Yeah, Rin”, he’s smiling, “I also think you should tell her”.

“Tell her what?”.

“That you want to meet her, dumbass”.

Suna runs a hand through his now dried hair, lightly ruffles it. This feels dangerously real now, something he could grasp if he so much as decided to hold out a hand. You’re so close. There’s something else simmering underneath the fear and Rintaro recognizes it easily. It’s an almost forgotten eagerness that he’s not entirely stranger to.

“Samu”.

“Hmm?”, he’s smiling again. The asshole.

“I think I like her”.

“No shit”, Osamu full on laughs now, jovial and relieved. Despite the annoyance, Suna feels the exact same way.

Shizuoka seemed different upon his return, an endless pool of possibilities where something would inevitably remind Suna of you. He’d made peace with the fact that he had a crush on someone he’s never met and with that truth also came an endless list of associations his brain couldn’t help but make.

Texting you first, whenever he wanted, became natural. What’s more, it was almost as if you were encouraged by his newly loosened state, that one evening in Osaka opening the floodgates of something else, something different. You trusted him with your most intimate thoughts and so did he. There was no more wondering if you were bothering each other or texting at an unconvenient time. You’d once told him you felt self-conscious about that specifically.

Unfinishedusernam

-> Sometimes I feel like I’m too much

-> Would you tell me if I was too much?

crysnoopy

-> What do you mean?

Unfinishedusernam

-> You know, if I was pestering you

crysnoopy

-> You’re not too much

-> And even if you were, I could handle you :)

You were the happiest when he had told you they’d won the game in Osaka. Heck, you baked blueberry muffins (“to celebrate!”) and asked him to go get himself one so you could pretend he was there to eat yours. And Suna did: he got up from his bed, grabbed a jacket, put on some running shoes and made his way to his favorite bakery with a dopey smile on his face. He then suggested a toast and, what a coincidence, you happened to have a bottle of white wine left unopened for the longest time. The occasion seemed worthy.

And so you both ate and drank and celebrated until his cheeks felt hot and your texts started lacking proper grammar. Suna remembers how it felt, slumped on his couch, lights low and mind dizzy as his eyes blinked and blinked and then blinked again while the message sat on his screen, black against white. He just stared at it, not entirely able to discern reality from fictitious.

Unfinishedusernam

-> I wish you were here

-> I’d probly just kiss you

Suna remembers staring at his screen as a wild joy exploded in his heart and took over his entire chest, scorching and vibrant like festival fireworks. He stared at it for so long he still doesn’t quite recall if he wrote the reply or if the reply wrote itself, because the only other solid memory in relation to that moment is drifting off with an empty bottle of wine precariously balanced on his lap.

He woke up the next morning with a sour taste in his mouth, a throbbing headache and sore neck. His phone had fallen to the floor and when he picked it up, it was with a heavy heart that he noticed you hadn’t replied.

crysnoopy

-> I want nothing more

-> I’m from shizuoka too. let’s make it happen?

It wasn’t unusual for one of you to leave the other on read and it wasn’t like Suna to hyperfixate on not receiving a reply but this time, for some reason, it felt different.

As he got up with a groan and shuffled to his bathroom to take a shower, a strange feeling of dread strangled his body from the inside, his mind running a million miles a minute. Were you disgusted? Mad, that he had kept his location a secret? That would’ve been unfair, though, and you had always proved to respect his boundaries. Maybe it was all a joke, then. You thought of all that flirting as nothing short of a game, something stupid to pass the time with a stranger online. Something that wasn’t real. Worse, something you’d never want to be real, especially if given the chance to make that happen. Fuck.

Suna succeeded in keeping himself fairly busy for a few hours that day: he cleaned his whole apartment, did some meal prep, called his mom, called his sister, even called Atsumu. Your silence kept throbbing at the edges of each minute, it became so unbearable he ended up sending you a picture of an aspirin package with a funny caption, to test the waters.

You never replied. Not that day, not the following day, a week later your chat is still painfully empty. Or rather, filled with all the messages he’s sent before giving up.

crysnoopy

-> Killer headache town, population: me

crysnoopy

-> How are you feeling?

crysnoopy

-> Hey, everything ok?

crysnoopy

-> I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable.

-> I was really tipsy, I didn’t mean it

crysnoopy

-> Or at least I didn’t mean to sound so pushy.

-> I’d never pressure you into doing anything, let alone meet me

crysnoopy

-> I’ll give you space if you need it, can you just please tell me that you’re okay? It’s been three days

crysnoopy

-> Okay. I’ll be here if you ever come back.

He’s so mad at you. Weren’t you the first one coming forward with all that stuff about wanting to kiss him? Why would you disappear? He’s apologized, what else can he do? Was it all seriously worth so little to you?

Suna feels as if the days are longer now, training unbearable. Instead of keeping his mind occupied, all it does is remind him of how badly his blocks suck lately. He doesn’t pick up when Osamu calls, he’d read everything there’s to read in his seemingly inexpressive tone. He’s mad at himself, for not noticing how stupidly attached he’d become. Is it normal to miss you so badly? He doesn’t remember the last time he missed someone just as much. The world is cruel in relentlessly reminding him of you: an advert you’d find funny, that movie you’d recently discussed making a comeback in cinemas, sunsets painting the sky in orange and lilacs so similar to the ones you’d send him, a pair of fuzzy fox slippers on display in a shop window on the way to the gym.

The toxic part of his brain is ruthless in reminding him that this is why he refuses to open up to new people. That this is why he never lets himself be actually vulnerable and simply plays along: it’s because he’d be left with nothing but mockery, humiliation and loneliness.

But Rintaro doesn’t want to give that part of his brain any more solidity. What he wants, is to be proud of himself. Relieved, even. He wants to feel happy for having been brave enough to take a risk, to trust, to open up. He wants to relish in the joy that the brief encounter with you, anonymous and all, gave him. So what if you never come back or talk to him again? That’s on you. He’ll miss you for a good while, will probably always wonder what you’re up to from time to time, but he’ll be okay. You gave him much more than what you’re probably aware of and truth is, he’s grateful. He just hopes you’ll always be okay too, he hopes life will treat you well. He hopes you don’t regret trusting him with your most intimate thoughts, ever.

It’s not like he doesn’t reread some of your messages, to keep himself company. The most recent ones still have the not entirely pleasant effect of twisting his insides. He’ll have to delete that folder of screenshots eventually.

Unfinishedusernam

-> I’m so glad I stumbled over you on this stupid app btw

Unfinishedusernam

-> You’re sweet, snoopy :)

Unfinishedusernam

-> Today was shit

-> Sometimes I think about how it’d be to have you here, at the end of shitty days

Unfinishedusernam

-> Stop flirting with me, it’s working

Unfinishedusernam

-> I feel so slilly

-> can you evne like someone you nevee met?

Turns out, you really can. He just never fully got around to telling you properly.

And then, one day, Suna’s blocks don’t suck anymore. In fact, they’re just as good as they’ve always been. He speaks with Osamu on the phone, a little bummed that his friend doesn’t have another trip to Shizuoka planned anytime soon: the shop is doing great, his presence is no longer required as often.

“I’ll miss you”, Rintaro still remembers the stunned silence following his words, “come back soon, shop or not”.

The younger Miya twin paused his ministrations, hands sticky with rice, and offered a surprised chuckle, “I’ll be back. Ya can also take a train every now and then, ya know?”.

“Maybe I will. Hey, next time you plan a trip to Osaka, can I come too?”.

“Hell yeah. I wouldn’t have to endure that dickhead alone”.

He talks to Kita and Aran way more these days: when he thinks of one of his friends, he simply grabs the phone and reaches out with a text, a meme or a funny reel. It seems to make them happy.

When his mom tells him that Kaori has been relentlessly asking about visiting her older brother, Suna assures her that he isn’t too busy to accomodate her for a week or for however long she wants to stay. Even if he was, he’d make it work. His mom clicks her tongue, gives her approval for a weekend only, less her daughter falls behind her homework even more. He grins when he hears Kaori scream MAKE IT TWO WEEKENDS in the distance.

Suna hasn’t seen his little sister in months and despite their relationship being exhaustingly conflictual (they are way too similar to each other and she gets a kick out of pissing him off), he loves her deeply and she trusts him just as much. Sometimes being home without him can become a lot and it’s not like she ever directly admits it but he’s pretty sure Kaori misses him, the little gremlin.

He was already 14 when she was born and little Rintaro had faced the news of a new addition to the family (a female, no less!) with infinite crankiness. He huffed and puffed and complained about having to share a room and a bathroom throughout his mom’s entire pregnancy, then a pink little bundle of dark hair and eardrum demolishing shrieks held his pointer finger in her tiny fist for the first time and he swore to guard her with his life, forever.

Suna wakes up extra early to clean the bathroom and his room, which he’s going to give to his sister, and make it girl-appropriate. He always goes on a tiny shopping spree before she visits: kitchen cabinets are now filled with her favorite snacks, there’s a colorful set of strawberry handcream, lotion and lip balm on his nightstand, a sweatsuit set neatly folded on his bed, the expensive vanilla body scrub their mom wouldn’t get her sits pretty in the shower.

He texts her before heading out for practice, demands she keeps him updated about her position. Kaori send a thumbs up and the picture of the blurred view outside the train window.

Unfortunately, as it often happens, coach announces the team is required to stay longer than he had anticipated and Suna doesn’t dare explain that he’s actually in a terrible rush because Motoya has been playing like shit and, of course, that becomes everyone’s problem.

“Get it together, man”, he hisses, way less patient than usual. Komori pouts.

“I’m trying”.

“Try harder!”, Washio snickers from the other side of the court.

It’s not until an hour later that Suna can dash through the gym doors, already forty minutes late to the appointment his sister had agreed on in the morning. When he notified her about the extra training, she didn’t falter.

-> No worries, I’ll find the house.

The train station isn’t at all far from his apartment, a mere 15-minute walk, but Kaori hasn’t visited in a few months and she’s not exactly known for her acute sense of direction. She’d get lost in her own house if it wasn’t impossible to achieve that in a small two bedroom apartment.

“Why is your damn phone going to voicemail?”, Suna grumbles to himself in the middle of the street, torn between running to the station or straight home. It’s not dark yet but the sun has set and Kaori knows very well the one thing she’s never allowed to do is turn her phone off, especially if him or their mom are not aware of where she is.

Right as he decides to head to the train station first, he hears her voice. There’s someone taller with her, which makes the hairs behind his neck stand up right away.

“Kaori!”, he damn nearly trips over his own feet as he rushes towards his sister in the opposite direction, gym bag almost falling off his shoulder while she chats with god knows who without a care in the world.

“Rin”, she stops right in her tracks, “sorry, kinda got los—”

“Why the hell is your phone turned off?”, as if to underline his point, he impatiently taps on his phone screen a few times, another call interrupted by immediately going straight to voicemail. He only now realizes how breathless he sounds.

“Battery died, I forgot my charger at home”, Kaori juts her bottom lip out. She’s the spitting image of her brother. “I was lucky to meet your friend right outside the station”, she looks up and so does he, features morphing into a horrified expression. Out of all people.

“You… what?”, Suna doesn’t know what to say. Was his neighbor even capable of smiling like that?

“It was nothing! We had fun, didn’t we?”.

Kaori nods. “We fed some stray cats on the way here. It’s so weird that you had canned fish in your bag, though”.

“I always carry some! Didn’t you see how hungry Mochi was?”.

For the following seconds, Suna is incapable of uttering another word. It becomes weird enough for his neighbor to wave a hand in front of his face, brows furrowed.

“Suna?”.

“Yeah”, he replies on autopilot, “Yes. I mean, thank you. Kaori, let’s go”, he eyes his sister’s large, pink, glittery backpack. Hanging from his neighbor’s shoulder.

“Uh, actually”, his sister coughs.

“What now?”.

“I kinda need to use the bathroom”.

“You can use it at home? It’s a ten minute walk from here, let’s get going”.

“I kinda need to use it now”.

“Kaori”, he sighs, “it’s ten minutes”.

“I live right here”, the woman from his nightmares indicates the house behind her, “wanna make a pit stop?”.

“Absolutely not”, Suna clears his throat, “she can hold it”.

“She can’t”, Kaori shrinks in herself a little, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

“Fine, I guess we are making a pit stop”, he mutters and his sister exhales in relief, grabs his neighbor by the sleeve and urges her to open the door, quick quick quick please.

Suna watches his sister dash upstairs with a snort as he takes her backpack. It’s heavy as a rock. The hell did she put in there?

“You’re not gonna catch fire if you come in, you know”, his neighbor fixes him with a sarcastic glare as she takes off her shoes, letting her own bag fall to the floor.

“Sorry for the trouble”, he steps in at last, with a low grumble that allows a chuckle to surprise him.

“Don’t be too hard on her. She was panicking, I offered my phone but she didn’t remember your number. I asked where she was supposed to go and when she mentioned the neighborhood, I inquired about her brother’s name. Pretty lucky, huh?”, she’s not looking at him, busy taking off her jacket as well. Suna’s gaze softens.

“Yeah, really lucky. Thank you for taking care of her”.

“I also have a younger brother, I know what it feels like”, she smiles, looking at him at last, “one time we went to a festival without our parents, he thought it’d be funny to play hide and seek without telling me. I think I aged ten years that night”.

“She also used to run away so much as a kid. It’s in our blood, I was the exact same”.

“Doesn’t surprise me for some reason”.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”.

“I’m done, we can go now”, Kaori hops down the stairs, two steps at a time, then glares at her brother. Golden, foxy eyes narrowed. “You’re not being rude, are you?”.

He rolls his eyes but, before he can reply, someone beats him to it.

“He’s never rude to me. We’re friends, remember?”, Suna watches her wink with a smile so warm. Is that really the same person he runs into almost on a daily basis?

Astonished, he witnesses that little, usually quiet, reserved gremlin smile back at his neighbor. Then, remembering how important formalities are in their family, she thanks her with a deep bow. It’s only then that he notices them: fox slippers. Cute, pointed ears, bushy tales and everything.

They both jump when the steel water bottle hits the parquet flooring, Kaori dramatically clutching her chest. “Can you not be a weirdo for five seconds?”.

His neighbor (could it be…???) furrows her brows in genuine confusion. “I think volleyball finally started affecting his brain. Better take him home”.

“Yeah. Let’s go, loser”.

“Shut up, be thankful mom’s not here”, he fires back, fake annoyance to cover the fright that gnome’s actually caused. Suna’s heart is racing for an entirely different reason as he takes another furtive look at those slippers while pushing Kaori out the door, mind racing.

He is completely, absolutely unable to focus. Over dinner, he distractedly listens while his sister paints vivid pictures of boring classes, the art course their mom wants her to give a chance to, the latest fight she had with her best friend. He asks questions and fails to register the answers he gets, over and over again. It’s a relief when Kaori sprints to the bathroom, calling the shots for who gets to shower first. Suna is left rinsing the plates, with a brain that can’t think.

Would it be possible? You’re from Shizuoka. You have those exact slippers. You always feed stray cats. God, the fucking slippers. What are the chances?

He could call Osamu, ask a few questions. Instead, his sister’s voice keeps chipping away at what’s left of his sanity.

Your friend’s cool. I wish my teacher was that nice.

A teacher. Could kids be the wearing but rewarding humans you often mentioned?

He goes back to that disastrous dinner, desperately trying to recall how the conversation felt. What did they even text about prior to that evening? Was that woman as charming as you are? Fuck, he doesn’t remember a single word exchanged that evening. He just remembers being an asshole.

“I’ll be back in ten minutes”, from her comfortable spot on the couch, Kaori watches her brother march to the front door, then bend down to put on the same shoes he wore a few hours before, “lock the door, don’t burn the house down”.

“Where are you going?”, her brows are knit in confusion, never in worry.

“None of your business. Lock the door”.

“Sure, sure, bye”.

“Right now, Kaori”, something in his weirdly brisk tone makes the fourteen year old pause the show she’s watching, not without a dragged groan, and get up from underneath the blanket she had stolen from her brother’s room.

You’re so ready to go to bed early and declare the day officially concluded.

Work was tough, managing a new classroom of overexcited kids had proven to be particularly difficult. Between the increasing pressure from school administrators and the daunting task of creating engaging lesson plans for the new semester, you felt a heavy weariness threatening to swallow you whole.

As you brush your teeth, tired reflection staring back at you, he worms his way back into your thoughts once more. Saying that hearing his name and then seeing him again was unexpected would be an understatement: you were absolutely convinved (and thankful) he had moved. Where the hell did he disappear for over a month? Just to come back and show up like the annoying, irritating nuisance he is. One you can’t seem to whisk away.

Your date was one of the most disappointing nights of your life. Suna, the guy you had talked with for days, the same Suna who was so witty, intelligent and nice, was also just so blatantly uninterested. Bored. He didn’t even make the effort to ask about your day, eyes distant whenever you tried to initiate a conversation. And of course, because life hates you, you have to be reminded of that night every single day because you now see him every single day.

What’s more, you had failed the one person you’ve been able to feel interested in after that big, fat disappointment. Someone who just found himself trapped in the crossfire of your thoughts and stupid, stupid fears. Someone you were selfishly not ready to have so close. Someone wonderful who didn’t deserve your self-serving worries.

You’re already in your pjs when the doorbell rings multiple times, so insistent you almost trip down the stairs as you hurry, terrified that you’re gonna have to face an emergency with pandas printed on your pants.

“What the hell?!”, you instinctively step back as he leans forward, his entire weight resting against the doorframe.

“Sorry, I know it’s late”, Suna takes a deep breath but it’s not really needed. Prior warmup or not, he isn’t at all affected by the sprint through which he covered the distance between his house and yours. “I just had to… hey, can I come in? I’m probably gonna have a heart attack if I don’t sit down”.

You’re staring at him wide-eyed, completely startled.

“Yeah? Sure, come in! Is your sister okay? Did something happen?”, you’re quick to push the door closed as he heavily flops on your couch.

“No, no…”, Suna seems distracted for a moment, eyes scanning the room and zeroing on your tv, which is currently turned off. He stares at it for a while, then lets out a small laugh. “Actually, maybe it’s better if I stand up”.

“Suna, are you on drugs right now?”, the question is serious but his eyes, now fixed on you, don’t reveal any particular emotion besides genuine… amusement?

“I need to tell you something”.

The odd idea that he might be hiding a knife somewhere underneath that leather jacket crosses your mind for a split second.

“Sure…?”.

“When my sister was a baby, she’d cry a lot. I legit thought my ears would explode at some point”, he weighs the words carefully as he approaches you and, for some odd reason, you don’t take a step back. “She’d cry so much, all the time. And then, one day, I brought home a snoopy plush I won at the arcade. It became the one thing that would always shut her up”.

It feels like someone’s toppled a bucket of ice cold water over your head. Suna is standing so close while looking at you in a way you’ve never witnessed, a way so uncommon for him. You can’t focus on the desperation in his eyes and you’d never guess the hopefulness simmering behind a gaze that seems to be discovering you for the first time.

“It’s you”, barely a whisper, but it’s all the confirmation he needs. The relief in Suna’s exhale is intense as he wraps his arms around you and pulls you in. Thank god he does, because your knees feel so wobbly.

It’s a weird sensation, being pressed against him, hanging onto his shoulders for support. He’s warm and smells so good, of bergamot and musk. Your brain can’t quite comprehend that he’s the person you’ve been talking to for the past months.

“I missed you. I’m sorry”, he confesses in the curve of your neck and the words dissolve underneath the thin fabric of your pjs, slowly sink into your skin and bones. “I’m so sorry”, he says again, carefully pulls back to look at you, eyes searching for any sign of discomfort. Mirth flashes across his features for a moment. “Hey, are you about to throw up?”.

“No, of course not!”, you take a tentative step back but he doesn’t trust your stability and keeps a gentle hold on your arms, “why are you apologizing? I disappeared. I should be the one… I should be…”, Suna’s gaze softens, one hand rising up to touch your face but then freezing mid-air, deciding against the risk of freaking you out even more.

“Please don’t cry”.

“What?”, you retort, “I’m not crying. Ew”, but when you touch your cheek, it’s shocking to find it wet. What the fuck.

“Oh, god. Sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me”, a dry chuckle bubbles up from your throat, “listen, there’s no pressure on you. I’m sure this is a real disappointment so, like, we can pretend it never happened and just go on with our lives. I won’t—”

“Are you sure it’s you? The person I’m looking for is pretty clever”, he attempts a smile when you frown, familiar at last. “You think I’d leave my sister alone and race all the way here for a real disappointment?”.

“I think you just wanted to corroborate”.

Suna rolls his eyes, incredulous. “Well, I corroborated. I’m only gonna pretend it never happened if that’s what you want, because it sure as hell isn’t what I want. If you even care about that”.

You angrily wipe your tears, cheeks burning scorching hot with embarrassment. “I didn’t expect you to be so close. I freaked out. I’m freaking out right now because you’re even closer, apparently”.

“Are you disappointed?”.

You look at him, really look at him. His dishevelled hair, naturally narrowed eyes, the bridge of a perfect nose, full lips forced in a severe line. He’s searching for something in your gaze, with fierce determination. How can one person’s eyes be so penetrating? You feel naked, exposed. Vulnerable.

“No”, you reply, sincere, “no, I’m not”. If only you could feel the relief taking over his chest. “But… what now?”.

Suna feels as if he’s seeing you for the first time and, at the same time, it’s like he’s recovering something important, something precious. He’s already trusted you with some of the most important, hidden parts of himself. He hasn’t liked someone that way in such a long time and he’ll be damned if he lets this chance pass by. Again.

He’s not too late. Why does he always think he is?

You curiously watch as Suna takes his phone out and spends a few seconds tapping on it with a smile he can barely hide.

The familiar ping of a notification you haven't heard in weeks makes you stutter.

crysnoopy

-> Now we do this right.

[haechoxo]

[3:18 pm]

three months later

“i haven’t seen haechan this happy in months.” mumbled jeno, watching the scene unfolding across from him. there you were, animatedly explaining some workplace drama to haechan, who definitely wasn’t paying attention to anything coming out of your mouth, too busy staring at you with hearts in his eyes.

“i know, right… it’s disgusting.” renjun deadpanned.

“c’mon jun, acting like you weren’t also rooting for them back in school.” mark chided. “he finally got his shit in order, now look at him, like a lovesick puppy.” he teased.

“are you guys gonna keep to one corner for your date the entire afternoon or are you gonna tell us how haechan finally romanced you.” chenle sighed, waiting impatiently for the story.

“oh he romanced me alright,” you gushed, ready to fill them in, while haechan only grumbled, sinking in his seat, not wanting them to know the nitty gritty details of three weeks prior when he finally asked you out.

ᵎ

“so are we gonna go on a date yet or what?” haechan couldn’t hide the jittery excitement even if he tried, his leg bouncing like he was ready to jump at any moment now.

it had been two months since you made up with him, accepting his apology, and vowing to rekindle your friendship at the very least.

“hm… well i don’t know, i haven’t been properly asked…” you sigh dramatically, looking around with a rather bored expression. something finally clicks in his brain, you can almost see in the corner of your eye, a lightbulb over his head flickers.

what does he do?

“oh my dear y/n, please please please please can i take you out on a date? y/n i promise, cross my heart, swear on my nintendogs, i will make it worth your while i will wine and dine you so hard, we could do a classic romantic dinner and a movie i heard inside out 2 is doing super well right now… would you do me, lee donghyuck, the honor of going on a date with me?” the room is silent save for the literal panting he was doing, having said it all in one breath, on his knees, hands clasped together as he begged for a proper date.

your mouth was agape, you should’ve expected such theatrics from haechan, but it wasn’t any less surprising to hear such a sincere level of dedication and desperation.

“inside out 2 sounds like a good plan,” you murmur, which is immediately met with haechan doing a victory dance of sorts.

ᵎ

“check out romeo!” even jisung took part in the teasing, making haechan’s ears burn bright red.

“okay, cut it out! i thought it was cute, that’s all that matters.” you pouted at their relentless teasing.

“i thought that was a great way to ask someone out, i expect nothing less from a real man!”

“sure, jaemin.” renjun muttered.

“it’s fine, y/n,” he grabs your hand softly, “i can put up with the jokes, as long as i’m yours.”

“barf.”

“renjun!”

previous

a/n ; its over……………….. i would like to thank u guys 😖 for being here with me ☹️ for my first ever fanfic 😣 i have a long way to improve still,, especially with happy endings🤓 cuz this is kinda corny im w renjun….. BUT srsly im glad u guys enjoyed urs up til now and i hope it lived up to ur expectations,, feel free to leave ur thoughts and comments and opinions or any questions in my inbox (so i have an excuse to yap),, i do think with time i will eventually add more bonuses and standalone content that can tie in to the urs!au (so i have more excuses to yap) ,,advice is still appreciated!! xoxo jelly

[kinkandkreep]

𝑴𝒊𝒈𝒖𝒆𝒍 𝑶'𝑯𝒂𝒓𝒂 𝑺𝒆𝒙-𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

♡︎ 𝐂𝐖: 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝/𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠

Loooong tongue

Makes effective use of it too

Likes to roughly (tongue) fuck you

He likes the way it makes you bounce 

Speaking of bouncing 

PLEASE sit on his face 

Suffocate him 

Gets pussy drunk really easily 

Use a more firm/controlling hand when you ride him (face or dick) and you'd swear you see hearts in his eyes 

Lives to bring you pleasure 

But also isn't shy about taking his own 

Has a prominent underside vein that trails the length of his cock that is highly sensitive 

Will curse up a storm if you tease it with your tongue 

Gentle undulations from the soft, moist muscle that is your throat around his cock leave Miguel a moaning, loose limbed mess 

Will leave you with a scratched up back if you move your hips just right 

Scratches in mind, Miguel is always careful not to hurt you too severely with his talons

He also is very cognizant of his own enhanced strength, and controls himself accordingly 

BUT 

He absolutely can and will go feral on you if you provoke him enough 

"Provoke him how?" you may ask

Well, here's a quick fire list of things that drive Miguel's libido through the roof:

Calling him daddy/papi

Scratching the hair at the base of his scalp with your nails 

Sucking his tongue 

Wearing his clothes 

Pulling/tugging his hair (he luhs dat shit)

Complimenting him in any way 

Like literally you just have to breathe in his direction and I promise you he'll be ready 

Loves to fuck you in the raunchiest positions

He most likes you face down, tongue out, ass up, his hands around your throat 

Also, the messier the better with him

Definitely a breeding kink

He would adore seeing you heavy with either his cum or his babies or both 

Is quite vocal 

Has the prettiest, breathiest moans and whispers

Is a strong proponent for body worship 

Likes to lavish you in kisses and positive affirmation 

Can be just as gentle and sweet as he can be rough and domineering

Aight sis 👏🏾, now les talk about deez fangs a' his 

Sizable, as we've all seen, wickedly sharp and, as I imagine it, very sensitive to temperature and other external stimuli

While I don't think Miguel has a thing for drinking your blood, he certainly has a thing for drawing it 

Likes to see pretty crimson decorate your skin 

It gives him a bit of a head rush to know that you trust him (and his restraint 🙃) enough to allow him to bite you 

Which, he definitely does bite you

Not always hard enough to draw blood, but it happens 

He thinks your fascination with his fangs is hot

Actually come to think of it, that’s another one of those things that turns him on

That thing being you licking over or just generally appreciating his fangs 

Very handsy

He also loves to man handle you with his super strength

Has an overall strength kink but it's his own strength that turns him on

I said before that Miguel prefers fluffier girls and I meant that, so if you’re heavier he loves to A.) give you reassurance that you’re beautiful and B.) massage and rub you all over

He especially likes the way the fat of your breasts spills through the gaps between his fingers when he grabs them 

May or may not have a bit of a mommy kink 👀

Sorry these are so all over the place y’all, I just have many horny thoughts about him and they all tried to spill out of me at once, so there you have it. 😂 I'll probably add more as I think of them, or just create a part two.

Hope you enjoyed! And feel free to share your sex-canons about Miguel in the comments! 

[pimosworld]

Company

Pairing -triple frontier boys x f!reader

Content warnings-18+,MDNI,NSFW, piv sex,oral sex, public sex,mentions of ptsd,light angst,fluff,smut. Explicit, this is an established poly relationship

Summary- sexually frustrated reader gets lost in thoughts about her boys.

wc-3.8k

Notes- this is my first fic ever so please feel free to comment with suggestions. I’ve been putting off writing for so long and I’m nervous to post but so excited. I hope you enjoy!

You’re not sure why the drive home is so quiet, Benny had won his fight after all. Even though it was off a technicality, he still won fair and square. Usually he’s buzzing with excitement after a win but right now, as you’re sandwiched between him and Santi in the backseat of the Jeep, you can tell he’s fuming. The heat radiating off his body should have long dissipated it’s been nearly an hour since he’d won.

Earlier in the locker room

“I know it’s not the way you wanted to win but we’re all still proud of you babe.”

It’s just him and you leaning against the wall inside the locker rooms. The rest of the boys are out grabbing beers, and are likely having the same conversation you’re having right now. He’s got a far away stare in his eyes that you’ve seen before, but not since your days in delta. That was years ago, and now you just want to kiss his face and tell him everything is okay. You won’t though because even though he won and he knows you always take care of him after a win, the only thing he’s said to you since you joined him in the locker room was that he didn’t want any company tonight.

It stings a little even though it shouldn’t. He’s entitled to want some space, and if you’re being honest with yourself, you are being a little selfish brat at the moment. It’s not entirely your fault when after a win he’s usually got you pressed against the lockers with your skirt bunched up around your torso, your legs wrapped around his waist and your hands on his bare shoulders. His strength after a fight is always surprising. Normally at this point, he’s holding you up with ease as he roughly fucks you against the lockers with your muffled cries of pleasure getting lost into the crook of his neck. His cock would be slammings into you over and over until you both reach your peak together. Jesus Christ you need to get a grip because you're having flashbacks about the man that is right next to you, and clearly upset.

Is your brain seriously letting you be this ridiculous? You live with 3 other men who are fully capable of keeping you company tonight. There’s just something about Benny after a fight that you can’t shake the feeling, the craving you have for him. That hungry look in his eyes when he has you laid out on the bench with his head between your thighs. He kisses your thighs and runs his tongue slowly up to your aching center,as if he’s forgotten he’s in a locker room and you most definitely can’t take your time. But he always does with you, he slowly licks your folds, his tongue feels hot compared to the cold bench on your back. The duael sensations are driving you mad. He nips at your clit and you look down at him almost in protest but those piercing blue eyes look back at you and he has this shit eating grin on his face. It’s the one you love and know when he’s being playful, he just wants to make sure you’re still here with him. He continues circling your clit with his tongue and you know you’re dripping down onto the bench beneath you. You’re desperately trying to be quiet but he adds a finger into you and you lose all train of thought as he fucks into you at a rapid pace, his tongue flicks your clit and a chill runs down your spine as you lose all sense of where you are. Your quiet whimpers have now turned into louder moans of his name.

Jesus fucking Christ you’re doing it again, get a grip. You can survive one night without Benny.

You will just have to torture one of the others with your frustrations, and how fun might that be?

As your thoughts drift back to the present, you’re in the car and you can see that Will has fallen asleep in the front seat. He’s been training Ben all week and is likely exhausted and a bit frustrated as well with the results. Will hates technicality wins because it messes with his overall record. Ben has been fighting for so long now it’s mostly knockouts across the board. Will is calculated and calm, he always has been. He’s the perfect trainer to juxtapose Benny’s fired up demeanor.

He was very calculated just two mornings ago when he fucked you in the kitchen. You both had a restless night sleep so you found yourselves bright and early in the kitchen enjoying your coffee together like a domestic couple in the suburbs. Except you weren’t a domestic couple by any means were you? No, both of you are in a full on relationship with 3 other people, both e your black coffee in your shared home at 5 am because you both had nightmares ( you all have nightmares) from your time in delta, and from your various other illegal activities after leaving the service.

You hate the restless nights but you love mornings like this, where the two of you, and sometimes all five of you,can enjoy your black coffee in silence, like the silent trained killers that you are (were?). That doesn’t matter, that’s just a joke between you and Santiago anyway.

“Are you done with your coffee?” Will asks with that sultry drawl of his voice still lazy with the lack of sleep.

You don’t answer but you slowly set your cup down on the granite countertop. He tilts his head and levels you with those blue eyes you’ve grown to love over the years. He’s let his hair grow out since leaving the service and his beard comes in nicely just slightly darker than his blonde hair that you love to pull when things get intimate. He stalks towards you in his gray sweatpants and crisp white, and too tight, t-shirt. You still haven’t answered him as he cages you against the cold counter top. You can feel the hard press of his cock against your abdomen in your thin oversized army T shirt. Is it yours? You’re not even sure anymore, it’s probably Frankie’s shirt but Will doesn’t care. He obviously doesn’t mind sharing.

He slowly grabs the hem of the shirt, his fingers dancing against your thighs. He raises his eyebrow at you asking for permission because of course it’s Will. You take his hands away from your shirt and quickly toss it over your head as it lands somewhere to your left to be found later. He stills in front of you taking in your naked form.

“ No panties or bra?” He asks you another question as if you’ve answered the first question.

What was the first question? He wastes no time lifting you onto the cold counter top. He kisses your neck and slowly drags his tongue down the line until he reaches your nipple, taking his time sucking and using his hand to grab the other breast and squeeze, brushing his thumb across your nipple. Your whole body is alight with goosebumps now, and pretty much anytime, Will ever touches you.

Before you can finish recanting your thoughts of the other morning you’re rudely interrupted by Santi poking you in the rib.

“Ouch what the fuck!”

“Calm down Honey I barely poked you!”

Even in the darkness of the car you can see his piercing gaze and his shit eating grin.

“Yeah, I’m trying to figure out why you poked me?” You say sassier than you wanted and return the grin in favor with slightly more of a smile than you wanted .

Frankie chimes in from the drive’rs seat

He asked you a question? When? You can’t even remember with your thoughts so caught up in fantasizing about the men you lived with.

“Hermosaaaaa, are you still with us?” Frankie’s eyes are somehow on you in the rear view mirror and paying attention to the road at the same time.

“We’ll I’ve got your attention now so I’ll ask again” Pope says in a bit of high pitched annoyance. “Which one of us is your favorite?”

You scoff at the idea that you would even answer let alone think that this stupid question is what pulled you from your thoughts of you and Will the other morning.

“ Do you actually think she would answer that?” Ben chimes in from beside you and you notice some of the heat and annoyance has dissipated from his demeanor.

He now seems more relaxed, shoulders less tense. You relax a little at the sight of your Benny returning to you. Still, you will give him his space tonight because he asked and you will always respect their space. That’s the only way this all works…respect.

“ You know I’m not answering that, and besides you all annoy me with equal vigor so I couldn’t possibly have a favorite.””.

Without turning to face Santi, you dart out your right hand to poke him in the ribs but he catches your wrist and stops you full force. You wouldn’t dare turn your head to see the fucking Cheshire Cat smiling back at you in the darkness of the car. You already know he’s proud of himself because his chuckling is reverberating through your hand that he still has clasped in his grip.

He leans in real close to your ear ( not helping your predicament) you can smell the musky cologne and the faint smell of beer.

“Ah ah ah, gotta be quicker than that,” he says playfully, still sensing your annoyance.

You rip your wrist out of his grasp and huff in frustration, as you glance back at the front seat and see Will still sound asleep. It warms your heart because sleep is hard to come by sometimes, and Will could certainly use some shut-eye.

So you’re obviously checking Will off your list of who will be your victim tonight. Between his long week and the way Frankie drives, anyone was bound to fall asleep.

Your thoughts perk up thinking of Frankie, as you watch him drive with such ease and control. The broadness of his shoulders as he lazily turns the wheel onto a familiar street. He always has such control when it comes to anything besides you. He would gladly lose control for you. Just the thought of the first time you saw him fly a helicopter can make you cum. That’s what attracted you to him in the first place. Although you couldn’t believe how you had managed to be placed in delta force with the four hottest men in the world. it wasn’t really fair. You supposed that Tom kept things equal, statistically speaking, being the least attractive of them all.

Frankie could definitely ease your frustrations tonight. He could never say no to you, it seemed there wasn’t a time when he didn’t want you. Once again you find your thoughts drifting off to the other day. It was a hot humid day in Florida. The kind you hated because everything stuck to you in all the wrong places. The sweat seems never ending on days like this and the bugs won’t leave you alone. Benny and Will were busy training at the gym and Santi was holed up in his office. You didn’t bother him on those days because you knew his mind would often take him to dark places. It had rained quite a bit the night before, and you knew the rain always brought thoughts of Columbia. He always took it the hardest and so you would leave him be for now.

That left you and Frankie to make what you could of this day and you knew he would do anything for you, and with you. The day had started off innocently enough, the two of you deciding to go to the beach.

Once you’ve arrived at the beach you quickly realize your mistake…everyone else in Florida had the same idea, and you and Frankie audibly groan at the sight of what feels likea thousand cars and a million people. Neither of you are in the mood for large crowds .

“What do you think Honey?”

You glance at Frankie in the driver’s seat and can’t help but smile. He tries so hard for you, you can see his smile lines have deepened over the years and his cap that perfectly frames his curls has faded slightly. You place your hand gently on his arm that’s gripping the steering wheel a little too tight and notice the blue shirt he’s wearing hugging his bicep.

“Let’s go home “ you try to say with conviction so that he thinks you’re not upset in the slightest.

“I feel bad we came all this way,” “ he says as he pulls onto the road and you notice his frown. You just want to pull him into a kiss so that he never makes that face again.

“ I really am enjoying watching you drive so it’s not a total waste.””. You throw a wink his way and see that smile return that you love so much. You decide to just enjoy the drive and the only breeze you’ll get all day with the windows down.

He keeps glancing over at you but you’re not sure he knows you can tell. You did wear his favorite sundress. It’s red with little blue flowers on it, t. Thin straps and a very low neckline that perfectly frames your breasts. The hem hits just above the knee, but with the way you’rer seated in the front, it’s slightly higher. He chances one more glance at you and you can’t help but tease a little.

“See something you like Morales?”

He doesn’t answer you but places his warm palm on your upper thigh. You’re both facing forward because you don’t dare look at him now, and of course he’s focused on the road. He inches his hand higher until his fingers dance across your aching center. Your breath hitches in your throat when he starts to rub circles on your clit with his calloused fingers.

“You’re so wet for me hermosa, just watching me drive get you like this?”

You don’t answer him but you slowly spread your thighs wider to give him room. He groans at the gesture and moves your panties to the side to drag a finger slowly up and down, your slick now coating his hand. He stills his movement at your slight whimper and chances a glance in your direction. Your breathing has become ragged and he watches your chest rise quickly trying to calm yourself. Reluctantly he pulls his hand away but you watch as he slowly brings his hand to his mouth and liocks his finger.

He looks back at the road and says in the most sultry tone you’ve ever heard grace his lips.

“If I don’t pull over I’m going to crash this fucking car.”

You smile to yourself, you don’t have much of an ego but it’s erotic to know how much you turn him on by just wearing a dress. They all can be very simple that way, and sometimes you find yourself drunk on the power that knowledge holds.

He drives for a while and you think maybe he was just talking but you start to not recognize your surroundings. The beach long in your rear view has now turned into long leaf pine trees, the smell is intoxicating. He’s definitely taking the long way home and you don’t mind at all. Before you can get caught up in scenery you notice he’s pulled off the main road, he nestled the Jeep between some trees. Just enough cover you think for what he has planned.

Between the nearly illegal tint on the Jeep and the trees you have plenty of privacy, although at the moment you don’t really care with how keyed up you are just from his fingers. Something about them being a vet lets them evade the tickets they would normally get for the darker than limo tint on the windows.

He carefully takes the keys out of the ignition, still not looking at you and carefully sets them in the cup holder. He slides his seat back to give you room (you assume). A comfortable silence falls between the two of you. Something you’re grateful for amongst all of them. They always make you feel comforted without speaking. Yyou can be yourself and just sit in the silence. Their presence is a blanket of protection that washes over you each and every day.

“Come here” he says in his low, husky tone. ,iIt’s not a question, but more of a command.

In less time than it takes you to blink you’re in his lap, your thighs on either side of his. You make quick work of his belt and he lifts you with him to slide his pants down. Each time you see his impressive length it takes your breath away. Frankie usually takes his time working you up but you’re already so wet you don’t want to waste anymore time, or risk getting caught. He gasps at the touch of your soft hand as you line yourself up to slide down his cock. The stretch has you both panting like you’ve run for miles. You rest your head against his broad chest, while he grips your waist as tight as he was holding the steering wheel just moments ago.

“Pleas-“ you both pant in unison. Which causes a chuckle from both of you. Neither of you know what you’re asking of the other. Is he asking you to move? Are you asking him to move?

Suddenly a sharp pain in your ribs has ripped you from your thoughts of Frankie and harshly thrust you back into reality, ( which you think you’re starting to lose your grip on).

“Earth to honey” Santi says in a sing-song tone.

You don’t normally mind that they call you by your call sign, it’s always sweet and endearing. Right now though, with the way Santi has interrupted your lewd thoughts not once but twice you want to break the finger that keeps poking you in the ribs.

Just as you’re about to give him a piece of your mind, you hear a loud groan from the driver’s seat.

“You good Fish?” Santi asks with concern for his best friend, the person he would do anything in the world for.

“Ya hermano it’s fine, it’s just my back is killing me and I’m ready to get home and lay out.”

You internally groan…well shit Frankie is off the list of victims. You would never disturb him on a night where he’s in pain. You all have been through the ringer between the service and your post service activities, and it’s definitely taken a toll on your bodies…some more than others.

You turn to look at Santi and resume your conversation about what his problem is with your ribs when suddenly it dawns on you.

He should’ve been your chosen victim from the start, he’s always so smug and you rarely get the chance to return the favor of him edging you for what can seem like hours. It usually doesn’t take much temptation from you to get him going.

You slowly start to slide your hand up his thigh, running your fingers along the seam of his tight jeans that always show off his great ass. You’re inching higher and without looking at you, you can tell he’s letting you as he slowly spreads his leg. You palm at his half hard cock through his jeans and you hear a low groan from somewhere deep in his throat.

You just want to tease him until you get home and then you can do with him what you want for as long as you deem necessary.

He adjusts his feet to give you more room and suddenly you hear a hiss come from him. You withdraw your hand immediately, fearing that you hurt him somehow.

“Did I hurt you?” You whisper into his ear so that the others can’t hear you.

“No carinño, it’s just my knees are killing me after last night,” he says apologetically.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” you say out loud accidentally instead of in your head, like you meant to.

The look of shock and horror is etched onto Santi’s face and you just want the car to swallow you whole. You glance at Frankie in the rear view mirror and he has a look of concern and shock as well. You look to your right at Benny and the look of amusement is spread wide across his face. At least something good has come out of your outburst . It seems that the Benny you know and love is back and is loving the predicament you’ve most certainly got yourself into.

He crosses his arms and levels you with a grin and he just knows somehow where your thoughts have been this entire trip home.

“Care to share your thoughts with the class hermosa?” Frankie says slightly less concerned, now that he can see the embarrassment written across your face.

“No,no it’s fine….I’m fine, I’ll be okay “ you’re trying to convince yourself. “I just need a really cold shower.””. You say as you let your head drop onto Benny’s shoulder.

“Well we’re almost home, do you think you can survive until then? He asks now completely amused with this whole situation that he’s clearly missed because he’s been safely trying to get you all home.

Probably not, you think to yourself this time instead of saying it out loud.

Who could survive being surrounded by these four men who on any occasion you could have your way with yet tonight, as if it’s some horrible joke, you can’t have any of them. You start to think that you’re being a bit of a brat again, but you’re too far gone to care.

You feel like a fairytale gone horribly wrong, instead of Snow White and the seven dwarves it’s Honey and the four mercenaries. Mopey, Sleepy, Achey, and Breaky.

You’re now audibly laughing and concern washes over the car again.

“What did I miss, what’s so funny?” Will chimes in from the front seat, now wide awake.

“Nothing, I just think we broke her.” Santi states from beside you, careful to watch your movements for any sudden jabs to the rib. He thinks your laughter is a distraction to sneak attack him but you’ve long forgotten all about him interrupting your thoughts.

As Frankie turns the last corner onto your street, you silently resign to yourself.

You’ll just have to keep your own company tonight.

@melodygatesauthor Thank you so much for proofreading and adding your lovely comments. It means so much to me 🥰

[tiredistic]

Sulky Janis and her two (or one if you prefer) girlfriend(s) comforting her?? I think it'd be a cute fic but feel free to ignore this!

"Just hold me close"

Pairing: Regina x Cady x Janis

TW: Heavy Homophobia, Bullies, F slur, mentions of toxic relationships, Really shitty girls, language (lemme know if I missed any)

Summary: Janis has some classes to go to where she gets picked on. That plus the lousy day she ends up having makes her yearn for comfort from her two girlfriends.

A/n: Yes I agree this is such a cute request! I enjoyed writing it ty for the askk!! <3

Today had to be the worst day ever. It was muggy and foggy and it had been raining on and off all day.

Regina and Cady were at the house since they didn't have any classes, but Janis was on campus because she had 3 classes. Three long.. boring.. aggravating classes without her girlfriends.

It would have been such a good day, for instance, in her painting class they were to have a live model. She was looking forward to it all week.

She was so excited to finally be going but the light left her eyes as she saw three girls walk into the art building.

Chloe, Kayla, and Ava, three girls who definitely paid their way into the advanced art classes just to be with the artistic hot guys.

Chloe, a brunette with a grown out bob and a black eye every other day from various toxic relationships. Kayla had black short bangs to match her long silky hair, however her bangs were scary short and not in a cute way. Meanwhile Ava was the tallest, she had the horrible side part.

They hated Janis. They hated what she had, what she was capable of- Especially that she was a lesbian who was in a poly relationship.

Everything they did was to sabotage or poke at Janis.

They copied everything she did (horribly might I add), they even tried passing up her art as their own, to which they failed (miserably might I add).

So when Janis walked into the room, it was hard not to show her disappointment.

Sliding into her seat across the room, she tried to minimize any eye contact with them as possible, but they definitely noticed her.

With a sly grin Ava stood up, her height already surpassing all the boys, Chloe and Kayla following her.

their gum chewing got louder and louder as they got closer. their cheap small tops rubbing uncomfortably against their arms. Their jeans were pulled up so high it just had to be suffocating.

Janis tried to ignore them as she set up her supplies for the painting lesson today, but they loomed over her waiting for any bit of recognition, which she folded to buy giving them a slight look.

"Guys look!" Ava laughed with a unnatural high voice, her gum threatening to fly out her mouth, "It's the two-time art freak!"

"Bitch can't even chose one partner." Ava chimed in.

They all synchronized in fake laughter, a high pitch that made everyone's ears bleed. Much like seagulls if you ask me.

"Art freak and a lesbian? Pick your poison gosh!" Kayla laughed slyly.

"Hey Josh! Joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, isn't she pathetic~~" Chloe sticked her non-existent ass in the air as if it was going to attract Josh.

"sure." Josh replied, he was so obviously gay Janis just had to sigh.

The period started, and everyone was instructed to come to the front of the class to grab supplies for their project.

Janis got up making her way up to the front when they cut infront of her, making her stumble slightly.

"Watch where you're going fag, your going to step on my shoes" Kayla rolled her eyes, eyeing down Janis's attire.

Janis was wearing Cady's flannel shirt and Regina's sweats, covered by her own hoodie that she made.

She got nervous, she was just trying to be comfortable, and she genuinely thought it was a good outfit. She was carrying her girlfriends where she went while she was away, it meant something to her.

They stood directly in front of her in line as they shit talked her.

She tried to tune them out as best as she could, occasionally insults like "whore," "girl pig," found its way to her ears.

She wanted to say something, she wanted to cuss them out but she decided to just try and calm down by fidgeting with a toy she brought in her pocket.

"You know I heard her girlfriends date her out of pity, since she made such a huge deal!"

"Gosh I dunno why such pretty girls would date down, they could bag anyone they want yet they chose a ugly hoe."

"i'm surprised such pretty girls are lesbos." Chloe sighed, "wasting their lives, such pretty children they could have had,.."

Janis exhaled heavily just 30 more minutes of this she had to remind herself.

"They're pretty yeah but they're so messed up. Like the blonde one, she's kinda big.. I heard her back is fucked up too." Ava gossiped.

"So I heard, the redhead is a egotistical nerd no?"

"You guys have no idea what your talking about."

"sorry what was that?" they tied their conversation to turn to Janis.

One thing Janis wasn't about to do was stand there as they spread rumors about her girlfriends.

"My girlfriends aren't messed up, they're perfectly fine and I love them for who they are!"

They stayed silent for a second before breaking into a fit of laughter.

"Oh my gosh what in the- that was soooo corny"

Their laughs synchronized again, making everyone in the room cover their ears.

"Don't talk to us again do you hear me? fucking slut." They strolled out of line after grabbing what they needed.

Janis was trying her hardest to not let it get to her, but her mind pondered on their words. How they just took it lightly, it made her blood boil.

The whole time the model came all that she could think about was how other people saw her relationship, the art freak, the egotistical nerd and 'the big girl with the messed up back.'

It hurt.

The day passed faster than ever, she was now in her last class before heading home and everything was looking up for her. She was trying to take her mind off of the events from earlier with her pottery class.

She was making a pot for Cady. It was so she could cook her signature Mac-n-cheese. It was exceptionally huge, as requested from Regina, (she loved the mac).

Janis made it in a special way, making sure to include the handles where Cady could rest the spoon on the side without too much trouble.

She was listening to her favorite band as she worked, the clay sliding through her hands effortlessly, adding to her amazing work.

She was so enamored by her music that she didn't notice Quill standing next to her.

He was a nobody. Literally, he had no special talent and he claimed to play football on some random international team. The only good thing about him was his toned arms and height, his personality was ass.

He was convinced that Janis liked him and was just playing hard to get. Even though Janis had been saying to him that she's a lesbian, he still persisted. Even though Janis said she was in a relationship with amazing girlfriends, he said it's okay because they could be his girlfriends too.

Quill pissed Janis off to say the least, and she definitely didn't need his bullshit today.

Quill pulled Janis's wired earphones out from her ears, already ticking her off.

"hey Janice! whuch' you doin?" His voice was already annoying her, he purposely tried to make his voice way deeper than it was which just made it sound unnatural. He also butchered her name (horribly might I add).

"Janis. It's Janis. I'm working on my project, or was before you interrupted me." She sighed moving her earphones from the piece as carefully as possible.

"Well I was wondering if I could take you to homecoming-"

"For the upteenth time, NO!" Janis sighed angrily, "I'm already going with my beautiful girlfriends!"

"can't they go together?"

"No they can't now fuck off."

"Whatever, your not as pretty anyway, I might just ask them." he threw his hand up, clumsily knocking Janis's project to the floor.

"fuck!" She hissed trying to catch it, but it slipped though her hands, falling to the floor with a splat.

"awh shitt, my bad my bad." He mumbled before walking away.

Janis started to freak out her breathing increased.

Her pot was on the floor. Cady's pot was on the floor. Couldn't she do anything right? It wasn't her fault it was Quills, but it still felt like she should have saved it. The promises she made about the pot all gone in a instance. Maybe her girlfriends were dating down, how could they love a clumsy girl like her?

Her mind spiraled as she quickly tried to do her calming exercises.

After a minute the sound of rain mixed with her figure taps really helped her calm down. She decided to take a much more calm, and safe approach.

Her hands ran through her hair as she thought of ways to fix it. It fell in such a way that if she picked it up with precision and caution she could possibly save what's left, making major changes to the sides and revising the handles.

She was finally at peace with her plan before a strike of lightning and thunder broke her out of it, making her jump, slipping on her two feet landing directly in her mushy pot.

Given, she didn't fall on her ass, her hands braced her fall. ..You wanna know what else braced her fall? It was the pot.

All she wanted to do was scream, but she didn't, she was in a more than public setting and everyone definitely saw her fall. All she could do was clean up and leave. Since it wasn't quite the end of the school day, she had to take the public transportation rather than the schools private property.

She waited for the bus, her backpack getting wet- everything getting wet. She just wanted to be home in her girlfriends arms.

After what seemed like forever, the bus came and it was jam packed. Janis made it on, squeezing into a corner by what seemed to be a sweet old man.

He smiled at Janis but it quickly faded as he noticed the pins on her bag.

One was the lesbian flag and the other was the polygamous flag. Accompanied by various other pins, the rainbow pride flag stuck out to the man the most (he didn't recognize the specific flags she had)

"Your one of them.. queer folk." He mused, his breath lingering in the air.

"what.."

"all that queer shit- its- its not natural. You just didn't find the right man!" Janis could tell his bones were just itching to say that.

Janis just sighed, his voice was low and grainy enough to tune him out for the rest of the ride, but the fact he had the nerve to say something like that to her was astonishing, even in the year 2024.

Just 2 more minutes she had to remind herself.

When it was time for her stop, she got off with speed not trying to listen to that man a second longer. She walked up the block to where they were staying, the rain picking up with every step.

Janis slugged though the door throwing her backpack wherever as she passed by Cady and Regina without a word. She went to go change out of her outfit which was stained in a mix of paint, clay, and rain.

They gave each other confused glances before deciding to wait on Janis's timing to come and talk to them. They waited for approximately 30 minutes before Janis came in covered in their clothes.

She was drowned in Regina's fluffy pajama pants and snuggled up by Cady's Mathleet sweater. She had put her hair into a hair clip, her freshly washed face was slightly layered with water.

Wordlessly she sat in the middle of them, implying she wanted some loving which they complied to without hesitation.

Regina played with Janis's hair as Cady held her as close as she allowed.

"Do you wanna talk about what happened baby?" Cady softly said she could see the tears threatening to form in Janis's eyes already.

Janis just borrowed her face further into the sweater, "no" she mumbled from our the pillows, not quite ready to come out with a explanation.

Cady glanced at Regina and they knew what to do next. Regina got up getting Janis's favorite things, first her favorite blanket, her favorite plush, and her favorite fidget too.

"Look Janis.." Regina smiled and chuckled wearily trying to coax the girl to look at her.

Janis finally turned from the pillows smiling once she saw what Regina was hauling.

They all stayed silent for a few minutes before Janis spoke up.

"everything was so annoying today.." They sat back and listened to Janis's explanation. waiting patiently for her to continue.

"These.. stupid girls, theyre so mean. They made fun of me." her breath hitching, "They made fun of my outfit, i dont think I'll ever wear it again."

"Those bitches, I bet they wouldn't know good fashion even if Alex Consani was standing right Infront of them." Regina mumbles.

"Awh baby.. don't listen to them. They obviously have zero sense of style," Cady kissed janiss forehead softly, "We loved your outfit its like you took us to school with you."

Janis smiled at their comments but it quickly faded when she remembered what else those girls did.

"Then they went on to say how we were a weird couple"

"What do they care about our relationship?" Regina asked genuinely confused.

"They're all up in my business." Janis closed her eyes trying not to get mad, "they called us things I will not dare to repeat."

Janis took a breather irritation creeping up her neck. "I really hate them." She looked at her hands, "every time I try to enjoy myself in that class they always fuck it up."

"Oh baby.." Cady coo'd pulling Janis deeper in her arms, "I'm so sorry, I wish I was there with you."

"What were their names?" Regina asked trying to sound as calm as possible.

"Chloe Borrow, Kayla Everson, and Ava Seamack"

"They're nobodies, and you shouldn't take their words to heart alright baby?"

Janis nodded she played with the figet as she calmed down.

She felt better that she got that out, everything in her brain felt clearer.

"It just was a really shitty day." Janis mumbled.

"What can we do to make it better baby?"

"can we just.. cuddle for a while?"

"Of course we can."

Regina and Cady snuggled up real close against Janis, holding her as if she was going to disappear. They hugged her as if she was a precious doll that needed hours of care to manufacture.

Janis fell asleep not too long after, the rest of the horrible events fading away, problems for another day.

"We love you Janis" Regina whispered, planting a kiss on her forehead.

-

Later, when Cady and Janis were off to bed, Regina went off to the porch. She called the school managers, since her father was practically funding the art programs she had a really big say in what happened down there.

She was completely pissed off on how three students who have been banned from the main building and were bullies were allowed in such an establishment as such.

Her tone was hot as she blew up their phone, threatening to no longer fund them if those girls weren't thrown out.

Regina smiled to herself. If those girls were going to fuck with Janis they were going to fuck with her too, and that's one thing you wouldn't want to do.

[copperbadge]

Hi Sam! Recently diagnosed midlife ADHDer here. First, thanks for talking about your ADHD & sharing what you’re figuring out. It’s super helpful to someone on a similar trajectory.

I just saw a reference to your photo books for the first time & it seems like a great way to help with memory issues that come with ADHD (like I know I did [x thing] but when?). Could you talk a little about the process of collecting photos & such all year & then how you create one?

Thank you!

Ey, happy to have helped! Congrats and sympathies on your diagnosis. And honestly it's good for me too, talking all this out, it helps me get my thoughts in order. I often namedrop you guys to Therapist, you are "my readers" :D

The process of putting the photobooks together is...well, it's a lot, so this is going to be a super high-level overview, but basically yeah I wanted to have records of where I'd been and what I'd been doing that were more concrete than just digital photos on a hard drive or a cloud. But I didn't really want to just print the digital photos and put them in a box, either, so I started making photobooks. Usually I go through Walgreens or Shutterfly for printing, whichever has the good coupons when I'm working on it.

So, here's the weird, kind of obsessive part: a huge help in making a yearly photobook, for me, is the fact that I take my photos off my phone at the end of every month. I have some that live on the phone -- my growing collection of photos of my niece, a selection of photos from my Europe trip, some memes -- but those live in their own folders. The main camera roll gets downloaded every month, and I put them all in a file labeled with the month and year (2023-01, 2023-02, etc). It's a recurring task in my to-do list, that I offload the photos on the last Saturday of each month. You don't necessarily have to do it this way, though -- it's just what works best for me, and I encourage people to find a way to do things that will actually be functional for them.

Across the course of the year, although really moreso in October and November, I go through the photos and remove any I absolutely know I don't want to keep. Once I've done that, I save a copy of the whole year's worth of photos to my digital archive, and I take another copy and label it "FOR PHOTOBOOK" which allows me to do more culling of them than I otherwise would, because I know anything I delete is still in my archive. And this all has the advantage of me knowing that the photos in my archive are at least SOMEWHAT organized.

So I go through all the year's photos in the For Photobook file, month by month, sort them into folders by event (so there's, like, 01-Polar Vortex, or 04-Europe, or 09-Birthday) and clear out all but the photos I know I want most. My photobooks are generally longer than the default length they give you at most sites, so I usually do have to add a few pages (they're like $1/page or something) but not too many. Often these days I have some stuff that's events, like the Europe trip, and then some stuff that's just like....a folder of funny shit I saw in Chicago, or a folder of all the food I photographed that I want to save. The cats generally get their own four-page spread at the back. :D

In 2020, I will say, there were only two themes: CATS and COVID. I alternated pages.

Anyway, once I've got the photos sorted, and deleted any I don't want to include, I get on Shutterfly or Walgreens Photo and start up a new photobook project. I upload the first folder of photos, place them on the page with suitable captions, then upload the second folder of photos, etc etc, until all the photos are uploaded and placed in the book. I don't caption extensively -- often it'll just be a page that'll say like "TEXAS IN JULY!" and all the photos from that trip. But it definitely does help me keep track of what I was up to. And it's kind of soothing to review the year and see all the stuff I accomplished.

So that's the bare bones -- by all means feel free to ask questions, although if you guys wouldn't mind asking in comments or reblogs if possible, that should keep the discussion contained as necessary. :)

[teasemates]

What are you currently doing? Are you studying? Is so, what major?

And what did you make you decide to move in together? Do you work well as roommates?

Billy, i love your Hair!! 🫶

Billy leaned back in his chair. He hadn't thought back about that time in a while. Why had he said yes back then? He never planned to live with someone else after moving out of the house, but he had been almost eager when Steve had suggested it.

He snuck a look to the side. Maybe it was because it was Steve. He had a crush on him for some time during high school, and he'd been happy when they'd gotten friendly later on. He had already been aware there was no place for his crush there since Steve was straight, and he'd found he liked the guy beyond that. He was happy to be friends.

After they moved out into the city and Billy found a job at the public swimming hall, they could still barely afford the rent or to pay their bills. It would have been impossible trying to live alone.

Billy glanced back at the screen and tapped on the desk, remembering something he'd meant to add.

"Hey, write out thanks for complimenting my hair!"

Billy had been an obvious choice for Steve to ask as a roommate. His pay from Bookstore & Coffee House was just enough to get by with, so having a roommate was a necessity, and they were friends, got along well and all that.

Well, okay, maybe it wasn't just because they were friends. It was also maybe because Steve was… kinda having a, uh, sort of, eh, some kind of feelings else than just friendship towards Billy. Even though he knew that having anything more with Billy was impossible. He felt the tips of his ears heating and he ruffled his hair to ensure it covered them. He was happy being friends with him, though.

"Uh, yea, I'll add it," Steve said, typing the response. "What about working well as roommates? I don't think we have any issues?"

"You don't?!" Billy exclaimed, choking on a snort. He wanted to rub in their most recent fight over replacing a stupid lightbulb. They'd already discussed it enough and finished talking about it. He didn't want to push them to a fight again over the same thing. "It took some time to figure out how not to kill each other over the smallest shit."

Steve glanced at Billy sheepishly. "Well, okay, yeah, I guess that's true..." He let out a laugh. "It was quite intense at the beginning." He thought for a while. "And maybe you...I don't know… maybe you were right and I should've replaced the lightbulb a bit earlier," he confessed.

Billy had crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back in his chair. He huffed in self-assured agreement when Steve admitted to him being right.

He didn't like bringing up old problems for no reason. He was worried it it would sound like nagging or like he was still upset and holding it over Steve's head, which he wasn't. He wouldn't keep it in if he was still angry. They've worked through all of it, talked about it, argued over it - something that was still new to Billy. This was the reason why when Steve admitted that he had been wrong about their last argument, it came out of nowhere like a hit to the back of his head.

"Yeah?..." he blushed, arms falling away from his chest. "It's fine— just do it next time." he stumbled with his words, his head a mess, overwhelmed by a strange feeling of shyness and happiness that Steve had actually heard what he had said back then and thought about his feelings.

Steve smiled when he noticed that Billy relaxed a bit. "Yeah. I'll try to remember." He felt suddenly awkward. There was something happening between them and he wasn't exactly sure what it was. Suddenly their friendship deepening or something else. But it was definitely good.

1/3 | 2/3 >>

_ _ _

This is Billy's and Steve's Onlyfans RP account. Billy and Steve are "running" the account, the team behind it is Aggressiveviking & Suometar. Feel free to play into or out of the rp in any way you like, all interactions are welcome 💕💕💕

[cha-melodius]

2023 Fic Year in Review

I've been doing these for three years now, and they always grow each year as I get tagged in other year-end posts that make the rounds. Feel free you grab it if you want to do your own review! And I’d like to add a hearty thank you to each and every person who’s read my fics over the years, y'all continue to make this a joy!

2020 Review | 2021 Review | 2022 Review

AO3 Username: chamel  My Page: Link  Active Fandoms:  Red, White & Royal Blue: 20 works The Man from UNCLE (2015): 8 works Loki: 5 works New Fandoms: None thank GOD Total Number Of Completed Works/Word Count  This Year: 33 works, 278k words  All Time: 113 works, 1.27 million words

This year a little movie that came out in August absolutely destroyed these stats lmaoooo. Most Popular One Shot (by kudos): This Year: Always Where I Need To Be (RWRB, Alex/Henry, T, 5.5k) All Time: Class(room) Warfare (RWRB, Alex/Henry, T, 7.8k words)

Most Popular Completed Multi-Chapter (by kudos):  This Year & All Time: Please Don't Let Me Be So Understood  (RWRB, Alex/Henry, E, 20k words)

Events/Challenges: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. Gift Exchange 2023, The Brownstone Anniversary Fic Exchange, Halloween Huh?

More reflections, stats, and planned fics below the cut!

Additional Random AO3 Stats

By number of fics: 85% one shots, 15% multi-chaps

By word count: 52% mult-chaps, 48% one shots

Ratings by number of fics: 48% T-rated, 33% E-rated, 15% M-rated

Musical artists contributing highest number of titles: Jeff Tweedy (Tweedy/Wilco) & The New Pornographers, tied at 3 each

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected?  Somehow I topped my word count from last year by 10k, which I was not expecting. That said, this year was right about average.

What’s your own favorite story of the year?  God this is a hard question this year because I wrote a lot of fics I really really love. For one single fic I'll go with Nova, Baby, because I love the story and I've got a lot of lovely feelings about it.

Did you complete your writing goals from last year?  The Goal: I want to complete a few large multichapter fics, which will probably mean my one-shot production goes down. I completed one long mulitchap, and then a few mid-length (~20k) multichaps. I think I wrote more of those than I have any other year. Surprisingly, my one-shot production wasn't super significantly decreased.

Do you have any writing goals for the New Year? Ok, I gotta come up with something. My goal is to have a similar mix of fics as least year, and also to write my first collaboration with @cricketnationrise, which will be a long multichap.

Did you take any writing risks this year? Wrote on a topic outside my wheelhouse (therapy 😬) and also posted a fic in a fandom where there weren't a lot of fics in similar genres (action/spies). Now that's no longer true, but at the time it was really freaking nerve-wracking.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: Every fic I write in a fandom that's not RWRB? 😅 It's hard to complain too much, especially considering what happened to my numbers this year.

Most fun story to write: All the Old Showstoppers, Will You Brie Mine?, You're the Perfect Gift for Me. Silly RWRB boys being silly, basically.

Biggest disappointment: Again, I feel like it's hard to complain when I have a fic that's closing in on 4k kudos. The goalposts keep moving, don't they, though? I still live in fear of pouring my heart into a multichap and having what will count as "lukewarm" reception, when before this year I didn't have a single fic above 1k kudos.

Biggest surprise: Most definitely Please Don't Let Me Be So Understood. Like I figured it would do pretty well (I hoped, since I put so much into it), but holy shit?? I still can't really believe it's on page 2 of the tag by kudos? And honestly also Always Where I Need To Be, this little one-shot about David stealing glasses.

Coming soon/planned for 2024:

False Dichotomy (RWRB You've Got Mail AU)

Kissed Out (RWRB pro-pool players AU)

RWRB 1940s noir AU

RWRB conductor/piano soloist AU

RWRB hockey AU (with cricket)

A shitload of prompts from my fandom fest

Extremely delinquent MTH fics

TMFU art thief/gallery owner AU

Thank you for the tags on your end-of-the-year fic reviews @loki-is-my-kink-awakening, @kiwiana-writes, @rmd-writes, @lizzie-bennetdarcy, @indestructibleheart, and @welcometololaland!

[wishing-stones]

I’ve written myself into a corner for an idea I’ve had for a while, but never seen nor managed to fully attempt. I seen stories of mage!readers, but never any of well, the mages. The ones that sealed away monsters, the seven. And I had the idea to add Baggs, but I’ve generally hit a brick wall because??? I’m not sure how’d he respond? I mean, typically someone as intriguing as a mage would catch his radar, but we’re talking the literal reason in most multiverses including his own, why monsters are trapped underground? Do you have any helpful suggestions or insights?

Weeeellll, this is difficult to answer completely because he's not mine, he just lives rent-free in my head and struts around like he owns the place, but I'll give it a shot here.

To start, this assumes that the mages from the war are still alive, which insinuates a couple things:

Either they're incredibly long-lived, or the war wasn't all that long ago. I default on the former, but it's your worldbuilding and it's up for you to decide

If the above isn't true, there's time travel or dimensional warping or something similar involved,

I have a couple of headcanons and scenarios I've thought about re: Baggs Meets a Mage (who isn't Ren/not in the R&R verse)

Mages don't look any different than humans most of the time (unless they follow my 'monster x human hybrid' rule, which means they sometimes have monstrous traits) so they can fly under the radar with monsters unless

They have the aforementioned monstrous traits (again, in line with my headcanons and continuity/multiverse theory for the UTMV)

Use magic in front of a monster

Outwardly look like a mage via clothing and/or weapon choices

Are in an encounter where they can be CHECKed

Baggs might treat a mage as he treats any other human. Cautious, observing their movements, trying to get a good, concise read of them to determine whether or not he has to do something about them, and proceeding from there. He can't Judge anymore so he has to leave it up to intuition, because he sure as shit isn't initiating an encounter, and startling a potentially dangerous human is a bad idea re: his magic. He doesn't usually open with it unless he's sure he'll be successful, or at the very least, it won't be as much of a fight to get them under.

If/when he figures out they're a mage, that's when he becomes a bigger problem for them. He hasn't had the chance to study a mage before. Are their souls stronger than standard human souls? How does mage magic hold up to monster magic? Similarities, differences, limitations, all of the things he knows about monster magic he will want to learn about mage magic. He'd definitely be interested in keeping them somewhere he could observe them, so chances are, they'd be down in the lower lab in some room or cell.

He isn't cruel, first and foremost, so he'd approach them and the situation as if they were a guest and kind of... subtly nudge them into compliance with his charisma rather than resorting to his magic-- it might color his data. He'd make bargains and deals, reward good behavior, and be about as much of an open book as he can be for information exchanges.

But he'll never tell about his ace-in-the-hole hypnosis magic. that's insurance.

A compliant and agreeable mage will find him pleasant company. If he deems them not a threat, accommodations and privileges get better and more relaxed. If he feels like he can trust them, he loosens the reins a little and lets them have a bit more freedom.

A combative and potentially dangerous mage will find him holding them at arm's length and treating them with cold, clinical professionalism. If he feels like he's in danger, he'll absolutely subdue them, and if his magic doesn't work as anticipated, he has sedatives. He doesn't play games with his safety, so if it's in question, they're going to be treated as a threat and he handles them as such.

Specifically, with a mage who was in the war;

He'd be very interested in firsthand accounts of what happened. How was the barrier put up? What kind of magic is it, how was it cast? Why would mages turn on monsters when they, too, can cast magic? Were they truly jealous, or was there something more behind the conflict? Half of his lines of questioning will be less about their magic and more about their history. He's heard a few firsthand accounts from the few remaining veterans of the war, but hearing it from a human mage is different. It gives him the other side of the story rather than the one-sided version from monster history.

Perhaps somewhat surprisingly, he wouldn't treat a mage who helped erect the barrier with any animosity if it wasn't directed at him first. He thinks having them stuck down here is its own poetic justice. Trapped in the very cage they helped create-- the irony does not escape him.

More than that, he has someone who knows how that magic works and might well be motivated to help remove said magic. He will play up this fact hard, leaving little tidbits in conversation about how long it's been, how they've all been struggling to escape and, oh... if only there was someone who could help. He's been trying so very hard, you know. He's oh so tired.

To sum up in a sort of tl;dr: He's reactive to how he's treated, and good behavior goes a long way with him. Hostility will be met with hostility in return, and he will subdue a threat by whatever means necessary, medical or magical. He's not cruel, so he won't resort to dubious means of gathering or extracting information, and his magic is his carefully guarded trump card. Words and charisma are just as good at getting information as prising it by force via hypnosis. He'll manipulate a mage into doing what he wants, doubly so if they helped make the barrier. Building a positive relationship with him via trust makes him much more pleasant to be around and he might even, eventually, step out of the realm of professionalism and into intrapersonal. A negative relationship gets a mage treated as a prisoner or subject, and he's cautious and cold in the extreme. But never cruel. This is not a man who does or even would resort to torture for anything. The very worst he'd do is gaslight. He is still a monster in a canon-adjacent-AU. His soul is made of love, compassion, and hope, as all monsters are. It is not and cannot be in his nature to cause undue suffering, and in the end, his highest motivators are to ensure the safety and eventual release of the underground, and to keep his brother happy. Almost everything he does is driven by those two things.

Got way long-winded lmfao but this is something I've thought a fair bit about, so you're lucky anon! (Most especially because I have a mage character who has a kind of interesting dynamic with him in the bits and pieces of drabbles and brainrot I've done with them.)

I hope this bit of character analysis helps you get out of your corner!

[landinrris]

do you know of any fics that explore their age gap? i always forget that they really are like 5 years apart, i feel like that dynamic is kinda interesting

Hey! I sometimes forget as well, and then it's like "oh yeah, okay cool 😭" I've gone through my bookmarks (which is by no means an exhaustive list) to try and pull some things together that touch on their age difference. Some of these are definitely more "in the spirit of" and touching on the gap in their experiences rather than "they are 5 years apart" The list got a bit long, so it's under the "read more." Feel free to add anything for the ones I inevitably missed or let me know if you'd like me to take your tag/work off the list!

"Canon"-based

⁘ and everything that i do is out of lovin' you by raikkonen (Rating: E)

Racing will always be his first love, but Lando is his second, and he doesn't want to imagine a life where he can't have both.

⁘ Free Practice- Romance Edition by f1princess (@f1princess) (Rating: E)

Lando drives cars at 300kph for a living. He got a hotly contested seat in the pinnacle of motorsport at the young age of nineteen. Experts call him the next British prodigy. Yes, Lando might be in his fourth season of Formula One but he still doesn’t know how kissing works, let alone other forms of intimacy. Cue Carlos, Lando’s best friend and former teammate who agrees to give him free practice sessions when it comes to romance. or: Lando and Carlos are friends with benefits but the benefit is experience and of course they are secretly in love with each other.

⁘ i don't ever wanna leave when you cry by peargasly (@peargcsly) (Rating: T)

the heady apprehension creeps through him like molasses – the sudden knowledge that something is wrong. lando half expects carlos to brush by him without a word and he starts reaching out before the prickling anxiety tells him to let this one go. but carlos’s eyes catch him in their snare and he’s always been hopeless under his stare. carlos’s name is on the tip of his tongue, but carlos is speaking before he can take a breath to say it. “think a little next time, i know you do not like to, but it could be us both if you do that again,” carlos says, voice low and biting. (or carlando post-brazil angst that is solved by the power of friendship and the looming presence of pierre gasly)

⁘ In the Wet by plastics (@shinyfakehard) (Rating: E; very E. pwp E)

How did you learn to get so good in the wet? ... These conditions are where the greats are recognized. - Carlos Sainz Jr. in Beyond the Grid, on how he won every British Formula 3 race in the rain.

⁘ like two ships that passed in the night - our story that gets told in many many years by palalabu (@palalabu) (Rating: T)

The long and intricate history of Lando and Carlos.

⁘ The life we built by formulacherry (@formulacherry) (Rating: T)

Lando is one race away from potentially being World Drivers Champion, Carlos and their kids go along to support him.

⁘ Until you came to me by phebes (@phebess) (Rating: NR)

Carlos Sainz, with the hair, the famous dad, the face - Carlos Sainz is going to be his teammate. In Formula 1. And Lando is supposed to just meet him in a marketing room at the MTC on a Tuesday like it's not something he's maybe thought about for 7 years. Lando really thinks he might shit himself. // Or: A fic based on these tweets from Lando in 2012. Title inspired by the song We Belong by Katie Herzig.

⁘ Yours by phebes (@phebess)(Rating: E)

Carlos watches Lando grow up. Carlos watches Lando explore. Carlos is not jealous.

⁘ You Crawled Inside My Head and Set a Fire by kolyarostov (Rating: M)

Falling in love with Carlos wasn’t an all-of-a-sudden thing, but it happens quicker than Lando would like to admit. One day while they’re eating lunch at the MTC during an off-week, just the two of them between meetings in mid-March, Lando looks up at Carlos laughing across from him, and just thinks: “Fuck." Or: This is how Lando and Carlos fall in love

Alternate Universes

⁘ best intentions by madlyiephasetwo (Rating: E)

And then Carlos asked, the tone of his voice one somewhere between amusement and curiosity, “And what about love?” *** Lando Norris does not wish to marry.

⁘ Dancing You Into a Lonely Night by kolyarostov (Rating: E)

The noise of someone yelling is probably just some stupid first-year who got locked out by a roommate who has headphones on. What greets Carlos instead is a boy about halfway down the hallway with a head full of unruly curls looking like he’s ready to go out. But he’s not out— he’s hammering and kicking at a door in a residence hall at 9:30 at night. A boy kicking and yelling— “Danny! You piece of shit, answer the door!” Or: Carlos has his night interrupted by a tetchy first-year, but maybe it's not all bad in the end

⁘ Every Minute Boy, Steady Rhythm Joy by kolyarostov (Rating: E)

It should be embarrassing that Carlos’ touch makes him shiver after being apart for less than twenty-four hours, even when the touch is above his hoodie. But Carlos sliding his hand around Lando’s waist and below his backpack does just that. Maybe it’s the subtle and blatant possessiveness of Carlos kissing his temple when he pulls Lando close, plain to see in front of Daniel. The press of Carlos’ lips still makes Lando’s knees weak. Before Carlos is able to tug Lando fully out of the room, Daniel calls back for them. Both of their heads turn, but Daniel’s look is inscrutable. He hums to himself and shakes his head. “Fucking of course.” It’s said mostly to himself, but Lando can’t help but grin to himself because Daniel’s right, in a way. The irony isn’t lost on Lando about who he’s ended up with. Or: Looks into Lando and Carlos' life after they decide to give their not-casual-one-night-stand thing a proper go

⁘ fall and fixture by heroics (@restacks) (Rating: E)

Lando’s already had a very poor time of it this morning. First there was no real milk in the break room refrigerator, so he had to put almond milk in his tea, disgusting. Then he caused a panic in the explosives lab by knocking over someone’s project. Now he’s faced with Carlos Sainz Jr., Foreign Operative #055.

⁘ God knows you're lonely souls by fox_this_lap (@redshoulderedblackbirds) (Rating: M)

Lando is an engineering student in Paris, celebrating graduation before he starts his career in motorsport, but there's more to the evening in the bar than he could ever had expected. Like the Universe meant for him to be there...

⁘ If the Love is Pure by loveleclerc (@holacarlando) (Rating: E; a/b/o)

After being attacked in the middle of the night by an unknown Alpha, Lando flees to Spain for protection from the Sainz Pack while his fathers search for a way to keep him safe in England. He never asked to be a male Omega, a designation rare beyond belief and sought after by Alphas around the world, but fleeing into the care of Carlos Sainz Jr. may just be the solution to all of his fears... and dreams.

⁘ i'll race you for pinks by cazio (@chubbydino) (Rating: M)

Heist!AU. Carlos Sainz Jr. is heading a heist operation based out of New York, following his father's footsteps as a criminal mastermind. Max Verstappen, the most feared mercenary in the business, is his second in command. Daniel Ricciardo is the deadly charmer that gets them whatever they need, from whoever they need it from. Lando Norris is the mystery. Carlos has never met him in person, but he knows Lando will be perfect for the job. But Lando is not exactly what Carlos envisioned a computer nerd to be. In fact, he is very, very hot.

⁘ Love is the Heritage (And Cousin to Death) by kolyarostov (Rating: E)

Carlos stays quiet, trailing Lando through the ornate halls that are simultaneously cold yet warm with their rugs and furniture. He watches the way Lando walks, the way the younger boy lets his shoulders fall the farther they get from the watchful eyes of his family. It looks like he’s shedding a coat, a mask specifically put into place for his family’s sake. The change is fascinating— there’s a story there that would explain all of Lando’s intricacies, and Carlos finds that he wants to know every single detail. The family had appeared to be perfectly amenable, so why is the change in Lando’s demeanour so painfully obvious? Or: Carlos travels to England to apprentice under Lando’s father for the summer and admittedly ends up falling in love along the way

⁘ ¡Revolución! by hibivrooms (@interlagosed) (Rating: E)

19-year-old Lando Norris, originally from the Kingdom of Anglosax, decides to pursue his undergraduate degree at the State University of Hiberia. There, he strikes up a relationship with a 25-year old Hiberian man, Carlos Sainz. Carlos is beautiful, kind, and deeply passionate about the Hiberian people and their struggles. Though Lando knows very little about he wants out of life, he knows one thing: he desperately wants Carlos. But against the backdrop of an increasingly tumultuous political situation in Hiberia, will Lando be brave enough to open his heart to all of Carlos?

⁘ the shadow of radiance by hibivrooms (@interlagosed) (Rating: E)

No one expected Galla, protector state of the Holy Principality of Seuloger, to turn heretic in such a violent way. After several years of Galla-stoked hostilities short of war, Anglosax and Hiberia set aside their differences in favor of a grand alliance to return Il Predestinato, Charles of House Leclerc, back to his rightful and Goddess-ordained throne. Years later, as a gesture of goodwill, Hiberia sends several of its squires to Fort Silverstone, where Anglosax's finest pages and squires learn to become fierce knights. Squire Lando of Norris, loyal to Anglosax beyond words, must contend with his own distrust of the leader of this Hiberian contingent - Prince Carlos the Younger of Sainz, a newly minted and already-decorated Knight of Hiberia. Prince Carlos is immensely talented, kind, suspiciously handsome, and seemingly dedicated to this alliance. But Lando isn't buying any of it - for the sake of Anglosax. Allegedly.

⁘ Señor Sainz by phebes (@phebess) (Rating: E)

Lando wants to die. Crawl in a hole, and die. His tombstone can read 'Here lies Lando, he did not speak Spanish.' Carlos repeats himself, looking at Lando with faint amusement in his eyes. Lando can feel his cheeks flush as his simply stares back, absolutely no clue what's being asked of him. // Or: University AU where Lando doesn't speak Spanish but ends up in an advanced class, and Carlos is a young professor determined to teach Lando Spanish.

⁘ What if we said goodbye to safe and sound? by tiredtiredsharl (@wolfiemcwolferson) (Rating: E)

Lando realizes as Carlos is telling them all about this job in London that maybe the feelings he's been carrying around aren't so straight or bro-pal-lad as he thought they were. It's really unfortunate that Carlos is set to move 5,478 miles away from him in just a few weeks. Told over a year and set directly after the end of our Piarles/Maxiel stories, we see Lando come to terms with his own feelings about Carlos, make a lot of mistakes along the way, attempt to get through the last year of his program with Alex, and realize that sometimes being the smartest person in the room isn't as valuable as he's always thought it would be.

[icedmetaltea]

Health anxiety: something is wrong Me: no dude lol you're being dramatic everything is fine Body: randomly develops a nut allergy (?) Body: blood pressure consistently 130-150/80-110 at night for some reason Body: suddenly can't tolerate yogurt- including lactose free Body: Mysteriously loses 1-2 lbs per week when not on diet past month Body: constant anxiety even when not pmsing Health anxiety: come on man Me: EVERYTHING IS FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT GETTING CANCER OR HEART DISEASE OR ANYTHING AHAHAHAHAHAHA

(incoherent venty stuff below, tw for suicidal thoughts and just... idk weird psychosis type stuff ig)

I can't even go to the doctor cause agoraphobia and like... even then they just blame everything on anxiety. Even when my BP is this erratic, anywhere from 110/60-156/110, and I can't make a telehealth appointment for some goddamned reason that they won't explain

And I don't know if they'll sign that form so I can get ebt and ya know not starve (I sent it via email but I got said email from a static-filled call so I don't even know if it's the right address or if they'll do it digitally)

And from the sounds of things they won't make me a note to file for a tuition appeal so I'll be saddled with a $700 fine that'll go to collections if I can't pay it by december WHEN I HAVE $600 IN MY BANK and I need it to pay for basic living essentials till I can get approved for SSI IF I even can which will take at LEAST 6 months

and everything adds up, toothepaste, paper towels, laundry soap, dish soap, sponges, trashbags, pads... the list goes on and it adds up so fast

And nobody aside from the therapist has shown any goddamned empathy for me when I've made calls, it reaaaally feels like the doctors and nurses just hope I kill myself, cause it'd be easier for them, cause I'm a burden, cause it's easier for me to die than for them to make me a telehealth appointment or sign a goddamned 1-paper form so I can fucking feed myself and not be saddled with debt

it'd be so much easier for everyone

I've been thinking about blowing my brains out all day. it used to be just when I was pmsing but it's been pretty much all month when my imaginary friend isn't distracting me with stupid shit and/or age regressing to cope

I just think, sure the gun would be expensive but then I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore, or panic attacks, or being a financial burden to my mom, or being a disappointment, or PMDD, or sleeping till 4pm when the depression gets bad, or anything

Nothing at all. Just blackness. Or maybe there's something after death, idk. Maybe I'm going to heaven or hell, but either way hopefully things just... are different there. No more capitalism. No more mental health shit. No more jobs and school and people working just to work and then die, no more of your worth getting judged by how smart you are or how valuable you are as a wage slave

No more heart pounding, no more gasping for air for the 20th time as I try to sleep, no more walking around in dreams where I feel like a ghost (and yet I look forward to it bc at least it's... different. It's somewhere than isn't here) no more waking up disappointed that I even woke up

No more thinking about how my parents are gonna die someday and then I'll really be alone

No more thinking about how my sibling left me

No more thinking about how my best friend left me

No more anything

I don't expect to make it to the end of this year. I don't know when I'll do it but it's kinda a given. I should've just let myself freeze to death back in December like I'd originally planned. At least I could die to something I loved. Why'd I bother sticking around? What have I gained? I'm just living to live

What, to finish all those books? I have hundreds, I'll never finish them all

To finish that game? I'll never finish that either

To get on SSI? I probably won't even be approved before trump takes power (be honest with yourself, you know he will. A war's coming and it ain't lookin good for people like us. He wants people like us dead)

It's so dark and lonely tonight. I have a billion thoughts in my head and it's supposed to be better now bc it's not my luteal or follicular phase... I can't even have the one good week I'm supposed to have PMDD-wise

I just can't stop thinking about how much better everything would be without me. And idk I feel kinda in a way like said imaginary friend is like... idk shutting down my body somehow. Cause even they know it's for the best. I know that's just psychosis brain talking cause they're not real but at times like these I wonder

But man, I wish if that was the case they'd make it quick and painless. A gun would be easier, just saying. Oh but it'd be too loud, make too much of a mess, blah blah blah... it's quick and effective. Sure it might not work and turn me into a vegetable. Prolly wouldn't though. It works more often than hanging/blood loss/jumping. I know they don't want me gone but even they have to admit it's about time. They've known it for a long time. I should've frozen to death. It would've been quick in 0 degree weather. We could've listened to music. Mom and dad wouldn't have found us till morning.

But no. Just had to chicken out

Ugh

[reixtsu]

Reixtsu- Dialogue Prompts Part 1

This is my list of dialogue prompts for any future requests! Feel free to use some of these with credit!

Part 2: here

"Ah. As expected. I don't like your smell. I've always been disgusted by the odor of others. Yet I'm fine with the odor of yours."

"I might as well take you away so that way we can live in comfort."

"But…we're married?" "Not behind closed doors."

"Dumbass. Don't you see that I'm trying?"

"This is real life! You don't get to restart when you make a mistake!"

"Sure sure. I'm assuming blowing up the building was an accident too."

"You have the audacity to wake me up and not actually die."

"That's because of my complete and utter failure of being a well-mannered functioning member of society."

"Looks like I'm going to liar's jail."

"The horny people shouldn't go to jail with other horny people."

"You were just an experiment."

"If you want to see explosions, you're talking to the wrong person."

"Please! I don't have a kid!" "Why would I care if you've reproduced?"

"This is why we can't have nice things."

"I have nightmares all the time, so I stay awake."

"Oh my darling. What a mess you've made out of me."

"I count my gain in blood and pain."

"Nothing was nice, but I lived every minute."

"I accept you and I don't even know your reasons."

"You've gotten yourself into quite the mess. Aren't I enough trouble for you, darling?"

"How long have you been standing there?" "Longer than you'd like."

"I don't know what my plans are, but I'm pretty sure it didn't include a migraine like you."

"Shrouded in mystery and ready to die- I knew we were destined partners."

"You know…that's not what an apology sounds like." "Bite me."

"This is not the time for you to be questioning my career choices."

"Can you not talk about ____ the same way you talk about ____?"

"If you were a pokemon, I'd choose you."

"Is your ego really that big?"

"Add me, subject him, multiply your feeling and divide love."

"You're the only fangirl I'd date."

“The masculine urge to not act past 18.”

“Your lips look lonely. Would they like to meet mine?”

“I wanna be spoiled by an older woman.”

“You’re like snow. Beautiful but cold.”

“He immediately wants to go home.”

“Are you guys in heat or something?”

“What the hell? A slut appeared out of nowhere!”

“Your voice is my favorite sound.”

“That info was hella unnecessary.” 

“I don't feel like associating myself with your cheap drama.”

“He really is the biggest piece of shit there ever was. It turns me on a tad.”

“You must be an expert in geometry, because you've got all the right angles.”

“If you were a structure, you'd be a masterpiece of modern art.”

“Are you a blueprint? Because you've got my plans all laid out.

“I must be a sketch, because I can't seem to erase you from my mind.”

“I'm not a photographer, but I can definitely picture us together.”

“If you were a hypothesis, you'd be the one I'd want to test endlessly.”

“I must be an open book because your intuitive mind seems to read me effortlessly.”

“Are you a puzzle? Because you make my complex thoughts fit together perfectly.”

“If life were a theory, you'd be my favorite variable to explore.”

“In the grand symphony of life, meeting you was the sweetest note.”

“Your love is the poetry my heart has been trying to write.”

“If love were a canvas, every moment with you would be a stroke of pure art.”

“In the dance of time, you are the graceful waltz that makes every step meaningful.”

“You're not just my sunshine; you're the warmth that colors my entire world.”

“Mon amour, tu es la lumière de ma vie. (My love, you are the light of my life.)”

“Dans tes yeux, je trouve le ciel étoilé. (In your eyes, I find the starry sky.)”

“Ton sourire illumine même les jours les plus sombres. (Your smile brightens even the darkest days.)”

“Mon cœur bat au rythme de ta voix. (My heart beats to the rhythm of your voice.)”

“À tes côtés, chaque moment est une éternité. (By your side, every moment is an eternity.)”

“あなたは私の心の花です。 (Anata wa watashi no kokoro no hana desu.) Translation: You are the flower in my heart.”

“あなたと一緒にいると、時間が止まったような気分です。 (Anata to issho ni iru to, jikan ga tomatta youna kibun desu.) Translation: When I'm with you, it feels like time stands still.”

“あなたの微笑みは、私の一日を輝かせます。 (Anata no hohoemi wa, watashi no ichinichi o kagayakasemasu.) Translation: Your smile brightens up my day.”

“あなたと過ごす時間は、宝物のようです。 (Anata to sugosu jikan wa, takaramono no you desu.) Translation: The time spent with you feels like a treasure.”

“あなたの愛が私を幸せにします。 (Anata no ai ga watashi o shiawase ni shimasu.) Translation: Your love makes me happy.”

“有你的陪伴，时间变得如此美好。 (Yǒu nǐ de péibàn, shíjiān biàn dé rúcǐ měihǎo.) Translation: With you by my side, time becomes so beautiful.”

“你的微笑如阳光般温暖。 (Nǐ de wēixiào rú yángguāng bān wēnnuǎn.) Translation: Your smile is as warm as sunshine.”

“和你在一起的时光是我最珍贵的宝藏。 (Hé nǐ zài yīqǐ de shíguāng shì wǒ zuì zhēnguì de bǎozàng.) Translation: The time spent with you is my most precious treasure.”

“If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity of mischief.”

“Is it hot in here, or is that just the effect you have on me?”

“I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you, and I'm one-of-a-kind.”

“Are you a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.”

“If laughter is the best medicine, your smile must be a prescription.”

“Your laughter is like a melody I could listen to all day.”

“There's something about the way you look at me that makes my heart race.”

“BARKBARKBARKBARKAHSJCIKKKAHHHHAHHAMEOWAJCNNABB”  “You need medical attention.”

“Your presence alone is enough to brighten my day.”

“The way you carry yourself is incredibly captivating.”

“I love the way your mind works – it's as intriguing as it is attractive.”

“Your confidence is magnetic; I can't help but be drawn to it.”

“The way you express yourself is a unique kind of beautiful.”

“I find myself smiling whenever I think of you.”

“There's a certain charm in the way you make even ordinary moments extraordinary.”

“Your intelligence is not only impressive but incredibly appealing.”

“I appreciate how you always manage to make the mundane feel extraordinary.”

“Your passion for [insert interest or hobby] is incredibly attractive.”

“I love the way you carry yourself with a perfect blend of confidence and humility.”

[artcalledky]

Motivating Behind thee Scenes (let me just) Why can’t you add a green scenery Adding background chaos Why can Biden pardon! But not arrest and detain so place a fucker under his own philosophical ways? Cuff cart off imprisonment in an undisclosed location for definite death Biden never thought to sink so low Non fanatic Nor a rump T Big elephant ass Replay just looks stoopider Inspired by MAGA Was money grabbed beyond Despicable 4 (fore warned) Back ground the supporters Replay the indecisions for life Motivating behind the science Look through date of and before posts He played my said song Motivating behind the scenes He directs under fire! I don’t KY the mom She is under tornadoes uncovered 27 minutes later to lower temperatures In provided heats Over the days just “grand theft audio, stoopid” And support of Trump died So what! That twenty something was pissed off Urging non jumping Shit happens Under governed by Republicans It’s not our rhetoric causing happenings A fellow Democrat stated Keep him out of harms ways Detain leave locked up Show me ear Picture before leaving locked Toss those keys aside It’s all heightened highlighted But no one governed over that bldg With shooter on top Rehearsal Carousel Spinning rapidly Over you and me Think so Biden could lock and toss Under the mental anguish of Ex Former Presidential power Clipped skin Will look normal later in videos That bldg was out of S S range But fired from a scope afterwards Not reacting after first missed shot Supremely Saying PS You all deserved sitting! Shooter never blanketed everyone His goal was not a part of your own, or your money Stand still big diners with Forks Devilish Picking from plates to eat over American people of poor, awe thems So many poems in regard to the irregardless Donors Lost life My shoulder have been sent to better later Chump dead My chip? Whaaaaa Your money spoke Gave a folk to kill Your wheels In life That’s tyrannosaurus Dictator hoop la la la dance No fall in steps To dancing Trump pants in back Well the sweat was apparent The defection defamation feces smells It’s all unknown here on Tuesday Speculation Cunt cant prick the answer overall tragic Saturday Nor answer The MO Not identifying The beautiful people The beautiful persons Assemble of Today could have been a good day! Survivor I fuck you like the REST My REST From years of Trumped Not My words have not rusted Motivating behind the stances (scenes) Assessments of landmarks and terrain? Money pansy photographed killer! Young one in age Epstein clapping and cheering for Trump Sound trumpets for survival of the fittest! Dumb doomed America And looking here on Tuesday Down the syndromes No flying drones! Security measures in priority A Vance guard will make a talk different! White gloves! Parade charade Paws raid over she raws Governed ovarian degeneration degrees In progressional denials Charade parade She raw Pa rapes Political violence out of ordernarily Political leaders may raise war The person Should only hobby Bereavement only acted by leaders Should be norm Well that Israel life worth 27 Palestinians That Russia invader Killed Ukraine innocence In Africa Who cares any more Farm aid, live aid was 80’s Add a part 2 of Woodstock 90’s add another Hippy fresh and moldy Growing psychedelics Add swisher sweets! Brother and sister ‘ s Thc motivates without violence behind the scenes & science’s Dial back the reflections in others Well Well Drill for better outcomes Let me just Let me just take a hit and you shut the fuck up diamond bit For drilling the compounded in dumbs For drilling the percussioned in drums For sealing the VOTES Watch gangs of NewYork Feel free to breathe Watch for hatchets! To heads But in rumor T rump said Bloodbath On escalated rhetoric Lowering temperatures in global warming It just costs more in A C Air conditioner Who owns Stocks! Let me just Let me just take a hit and you shut the fuck up

Ssssshhhhhhhhhhhhh it’s scolding

Dumbfounded in dehydration! **Speak more j d Vance.***

It’s a Sunday in Julian date

Prunts

Prunt

It’s today!!!!!!!!!!

[toucandrawz]

Hello!!! :D

I'm Toucan! I'm a minor, so nsfw/18+ accounts please don't interact with mine! Even if it's just liking or reblogging my stuff, it makes me uncomfortable.

I’m a he/they trans guy and prefer you use both interchangeably!

If you've seen my account before it's most definitely for my drawings of CoD MW characters as merpeople! It's so exciting to see people liking my art on here because of it, so I really hope if you like the CoD art I do I hope you like the other art i do! :D

I use #Toucan’s gay shit to tag my posts, so you'll probably be able to find all my posts under that tag! I'm also tagging my CoD merpeople designs under #mercod but it's not working like the other one? If anyone knows why that'd be helpful lol.

I have ADHD and so I get hyperfixated a lot! My most recent ones have been:

— Anthony Hopkin‘s Hannibal Lecter

— MTG

— Junji Ito‘s work

— A Night To Remember (my webtoon, Read it here or here)

— Call of Duty: Modern Warefare

— Rammstein

— My Persona

— Spooky Month

— My Hero Academia

FAQ!

1.) Q - Can I use your designs?

A - ofc! :D I love the thought of people using my designs! Please if you do use any designs i make for anything tag me!! I'd love to see it! :)

2.) Q - Can I draw your OCs?

A - Yes! But I'd prefer if the specific situation or something was run by me first, since I'm very attached to a lot of my OCs and can be quite picky about their portrayal. Please don't hesitate to DM me or ask about anything if you have any questions on their designs or personalities!

3.) Q - Do you do commissions?

A - yes! My commissions are always open unless I say otherwise! Please feel free to DM me on Tumblr or Discord (at toucan_drawz) if you have any questions about commissions or want to commission me! —> see My carrd, and dm me on discord (toucan_drawz) or reach out to my commission email (toucandrawzcommissions@gmail.com)

4.) Q - Can I use your art for my profile?

A - yes! Just please credit me by providing my account for that platform or crediting my YouTube or Tumblr. Please do not share my art as your own!! My art is very important to me and if you use it or share it for any purpose, I would like direct credit. Preferably a link, but just a username works too lol.

5.) Q - can I reference/heavy reference/trace your art?

A - using my art for referencing or tracing in a learning environment is alright. Heavily referencing is a bit of a grey area for me, if it's heavily referencing my OCs that makes me uncomfortable, please do not heavily reference or reference my OCs at all. On the other hand, if you heavily reference my art I'm a bit more okay with that. Just please credit me in all these situations. Please, do not trace and claim and of my art as your own.

6.) Q - What is your political stance?

A - left. So far left. My blog/account is a safe space for everyone and everything, except racism, homophobia, transphobia, zionism*, nazi ideology, and anything along those lines. I don't care if you think that ANYONE doesn't deserve to live based on a stupid ass principle of religion, race, gender identity, or sexual orientation. If you think that, get the fuck off my page and block me. Thank you.

*By Zionism I am in no way referring to being okay with anti-Semitism. By Zionism, I'm talking about the people who justify the genocide of Palestinians because of zionism. Please, do your daily clicks. And if you can, donate. (I also have another blog dedicated to Palestine, so almost all reblogs or links can be found there :])

7.) Q - Can I repost your art?

A - Please don't repost my art unless credit is given/you link to one of my accounts! Please don't repost my art without my watermark (the TD signature) or with it cropped in pretty much any way. I'd prefer it wasn't resposted at all, but if you do please add credit! My art is something I hold very dear to my heart and something I value a lot.

8.) Q - What program/tablet/brush do you use?

A - I use multiple programs! Mainly procreate for a lot of the things I post, with that I use an Apple Pencil (1st gen) and a 9th gen iPad. For the brush, I usually use the teyoid lineart brush that I got off Pinterest, and the hard round brush for shading and coloring. I also use CSP (Clip Studio Paint), especially when I draw on PC, with a pc I use a Gaomon PD1161 . And for the brushes, I mostly use this peachy’s somewhat dry ink brush for lineart, and then the default g-pen for coloring/shading.

9.) Q - do you have other social medias/where can I find you?

A - I do! I have a plethora of other socials, you can find me almost anywhere under Toucan Drawz, Toucan_Drawz, or anything along those lines! I don’t have specific links, since, well, I think I have too many socials to count. But I’m most active on tumblr out of all the socials medias that aren’t basically a messaging app (looking at you, discord).

10.) Q - Can i recreate your art?

A - No, please don’t. My art is very dear to me, and I don’t want it recreated. Imo recreation is different to tracing (in a learning environment) or heavily referencing, because it’s basically just remaking something, but changing it a little or not changing it at all. Even if it’s with a different medium, it makes me uncomfortable. Using the same pose/scene idea is absolutely okay! And if my art makes you feel inspired enough to want to, I’m glad! :D But please, do not recreate my art.

[daydreamerdisease]

So this is a thought post to this lovely podcast episode featuring @sleepstxtic on the @fanficmaverickpodcast about the POC experience in fandom. I don't actively listen to podcasts much, but she shared about it in the @harrypocter discord server and had me intrigued (which I HIGHLY reccommend you check out)!

Podcast episode here: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4B79Q1LLzt96tcLTjec84v?si=7hYs-rxAQDSp4LToiv7i4w

I'm adding my thoughts below a read more, because it can get long, but please let me know if there is a more accessible way to do it!

Note: I have shit memory and I'm hard of hearing. So there will be no quotes because, unfortunately, there are no transcripts (a convo for another time about disability and fandom maybe?). I'll try my best to be concise and not misrepresent anything said but, please do correct me if I say something wrong!

Most of this is not in any particular order to the podcast itself, and definitely just the tip of the iceberg of this topic, so there is absolutely so much left unsaid. Please feel free to add your own thoughts, experiences, etc.

First off, it's unsurprising and I agree, but it is interesting that we don't tend to read fic that are specifically about POC even though we do enjoy the idea overall as POC. I do have to wonder how much of that has to do with the fact that we are not already written into canon itself and how that might affect how we interact with fanon/headcanons? It might be different depending on the fandom, but for HP, the few characters we do get are certainly not the ones we focus on overall. It is kind of changing with Harry (and James, typically) being headcanoned as Desi, though!

I have to agree though, that fanfic isn't really about being the most "correct" representation of anything, and that fandom is not inherently activism. It can certainly help facilitate it (see Fandom Trumps Hate, for example) but ultimately it's about having fun and engaging with the works and others who enjoy it, whether fanon or canon. Not even us POC are 100% actively trying to include the "best" representation in all our works all the time. Sometimes it isn't about that at all, sometimes it's the entire point of a piece of work. But it varies and can be a bit of a spectrum of inclusion! And that's ok.

I also loved the point about how there is no one specific representation that is going to indicative of everyone's experience. Humans are so diverse. There are certainly things that are going to hit more people than others (and things we can conclude is offensive too usually) but wholly universal experiences don't really exist for a lot of, if not most, POC. I believe when you narrow it down, by things like where you're living and stereotypes that most people know, it can get very specific. But POC are not a monolith and neither are their experiences.

I absolutely vibe with the idea of seeing the richness in culture within fandom though?? It's one of the ways that I absolutely engage in fandom myself. Whether for perspectives on being POC, things like sexuality and gender, and including all the intersections. I really do think the HP fandom pockets I've been part of are some of the most diverse and richly creative spaces I've been in?? Sometimes they are niche corners but not always! It is just so vast, has touched so many parts of the world, which means that the creators are diverse too. Even if we don't write it explicitly into our work, it can influence it, because of who we are.

I do think that fandoms like HP are kinda unique for being that way though. It is so huge and long lasting (maybe even immortal lol) and not a lot of fandoms are like it. It has been given the time and space to grow, to change, and for the people in it to do so.

But also the idea of using fandom/fanfic as a medium for being diverse when we're surrounded by things that are not that way is absolutely amazing. Whether you're POC or not, it is deliberately creating a space for that diversity!

It makes it possible for some of us, like sleepstxtic and I, to even realize we can see ourselves in these fanworks we consume. That we can freely create them and tangibly be part of this space we're in.

Also, the absolute enjoyment of sharing culture with each other!! Of learning together, of creating a space to learn, is so important. Especially for those of us who are sometimes disconnected from our family's cultures or heritage, who are more assimilated, etc etc for so many reasons. It is so important to be able to question and learn from each other. Especially using characters like Harry, for instance, who is so painfully wrenched away from his culture. We might not always find someone with our 1:1 experience but it does open the door for being able to find connection to our own heritage and culture. It can be painful and absolutely lonely and finding that place within fandom can be so healing. 😭

I definitely think we are still growing as a fandom, we have plenty more to learn when it comes to encouraging and including POC and what we have to give to the fandom, but I am happy to see us having these conversations!

And I loved learning about sleepstxtic's culture during this podcast, the way she fell into writing fanfic, and the thoughtfullness put into it. Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us!

I hope you all check out the podcast episode but either way, what are your thoughts and experiences? I'd love to hear what other people have to say, whether negative or positive, and if you wanna share your favorite POC-centric fanfic/fanart recs...

👀 I won't turn those away!