#deep in the scully sadness but i think this movie encapsulates so many of the things that i find interesting about her

[carefulfears]

why is iwtb scully's movie?

the whole thing is so stiff and cold and lifeless and she's just moving through it like an open wound. she has so little control over anything, including her own choices. she's not getting anything that she wants. she's not being heard by anybody, from her god to her boss to her man. there's such a thick layer of catholicism and "god's will" over the film and she's just squirming inside it, rather than rising to it like she used to.

mulder is barely in this movie, and when he is, it's through scully's point of view. it's agents in her workplace asking if she knows where he is. it's the way she takes painstaking care of opening and closing the gate. it's the way she looks almost afraid to walk into her own house, slowly moving through the entryway, staring at the door to his office. it's the way she looks at the back of his head, and then through his lame jokes. what's up, doc? i'm fine here. i'm happy as a clam.

it's the way she sighs when she tells him she worries about him, like she's surrendering. the way she gets on the helicopter. the way she jumps when he comes near her in the snow, then smiles when he tells her she did good, then melts when he says he wants to help these people. even though she wants him back in the house, tells him he's done his part, he doesn't have to stay.

it's the way he gets up to shave when she says his beard scratches her. when they argue outside in the field, the first thing she says is "stop." you're right. this is my fault. i got you involved in this. i have been through this too many years with you. "you cannot save her, not now and not ever."

the whole movie is a showcase of a part of scully that is so integral and makes me so sad. she is a walking failure. all that she wants to do is keep everybody safe, be the first mate, and she can't do it. she begged mulder to get out of all the "isolation" and work this case, and now she can't take it back. can't make him stop. and it's her fault. this little boy at the hospital is dying and she's trying to find a hail mary on google. she's subjecting him to painful treatments and admitting through tears that she's putting him through hell because she doesn't want to give up, she wants to believe it is god's will. his parents say that if only she were a mother, she'd understand, and all she can do is stare at the floor.

she tells mulder that she's leaving, she won't be coming home, and then walks through the hallway later to hold his hand when everybody dies. that's the moment that really gets me here. the way that he spends this whole fucking movie rattling on manically about how they can find this woman and she's definitely alive and they're gonna save her, like he always feels and always does. and then they open the cooler and her head is inside. it is so relentlessly punishing. he pulls his hand away.

but i think the moment that makes me the saddest is when scully finds her car flipped over the side of the road and she finds his cellphone covered in blood and she really starts panicking in a way that i don't think we've seen before. i've talked about this a little bit in the past, but this type of thing used to be common for them. he used to run off and get in crazy trouble constantly. but like she says so many times, that's not her life anymore. it's been six years since she grabbed him and ran. they haven't been separated in six years, she hasn't not known where he is in six years. she calls skinner to come get her and he can't calm her down. there's something so frantic about it.

and this movie ends exactly how it fucking began. nothing has changed. i love what a big role the snow and the cold plays throughout the whole thing, because this film is completely frozen in ice. she walks into his office and stares at the back of his head. what's up, doc?

she said she was leaving him but he got lost and she got scared, so she stays and she stays and she will stay for years. and she knows that doing this surgery on this kid isn't the right thing, she says she's having doubts. and he tells her that if she isn't sure just come home. that they'll get out of there. just me and you. the last line of the movie is her beginning the procedure.