#decision to switch majors or was that me? i am so easily convinced that w/e im doing is a bad idea
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Pearly everlasting (transplant), few flowered shooting star (nursery) and fine-leaved lomatium (from seed!!!) all sprouting ! Lets effing go.
#garden#plants#l#at the start of the semester i always dostract myself with some grievance about the way that i am / what other lives i could have lived .#it is very distracting from making my life better in the present but i never learn and always spend the first month in a fugue state .#+ i am really lucky and have a lot to appreciate about my life and i forget about that as well#2 fixations atm: i am uncomfortable in social situations > this energy understandably makes others uncomfortable > im more uncomfortable bc#theyre uncomfortable etc etc avoidance pain suffering dying. breaking this cycle is difficult. have to divert self-focused attention#& be more comfortable with my self. this is hard to do when confidence is in the gutter which leads to fixation 2#what if i hadnt switched majors. what if i was still in art. what if i had broken up w gf before leaving for school. did she influence my#decision to switch majors or was that me? i am so easily convinced that w/e im doing is a bad idea#would i have more confidence if i had stayed in aet? would i have been forced to make connections with ppl if i wasnt thinking about what#she was doing back home?#would i have had tha breakdown?#idk probably i think im overestimating my mental state at 18. but it feels like there were some neuronal connections that never rewired.#its so easy to think of all the things thAt could be better but ig theres also things that would be worse . i wouldnt have my doggy.#i probably wouldnt have come to appreciate my parents as much. maybe i never would have tried towork on my mennal health.#idk. it just hurts to learn how to be a person again at 22. and thinking of all the ways things could be.#different doesnt help. also i have to stop smoking pot im worried it has leached sum esscence out of me . ah well#i need to eat smthing
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