#decided to give this a more accurate answer hope you don't mind anon

[hassiegfrieddoneanythingwrong]

Wanna know what really grinds Kriemhild's gears? Both Sieg and the Last Master of Chaldea have already followed in Siegfried's footsteps before she had a chance to steer them away from such self-destructive habits.

In fact, Chaldea's master may just proceed to further infuriate her without having much of a choice in it at all. At this point I'm not sure if she's angrier at her master's reckless stubbornness, or at Chaldeas itself for how many times they've had to rely on the master's dwindling luck to pull them through.

It's okay though. At least in my case when I'm done teasing her and nearly winding up dead for it, there will always be quality tea ready for her, courtesy of Sen no Rikyu and his newest apprentice.

As for Siegfried, not too sure if he's proud of the master, or increasingly horrified at how many times his love has had to give up more of their lifespan trying to aid Novum Chaldea at restoring the world. Probably a mix of both.

If you mean Guda/Ritsuka, then I feel like I'm not really equipped to give a proper answer to this compared to someone else, like Verse. There's definitely a lot of factors going on (being the Last Master of Humanity bc the world outside Antarctica is incinerated/the whole world is bleached, all of the other Masters candidates are fucking dead, having to save humanity bc this teen/young adult is literally the only hope, and even having Kadoc back on Chaldea's side might not even last long bc he might die), but Kriemhild is, without a doubt, pissed. At Chaldea, at the staff, at half of the other Servants, at Guda/Ritsuka, and when she learns why the incineration even happened, possibly pissed at Romani/Solomon and Marisbury as well. She's not paid enough for this shit.

Edit: in regards to Master, they could give any kind of answer to her as to why they joined Chaldea, and she would still be mad. Joined because saving the world, even when the events that would ultimately happened, sounded cool? They're sleeping on the couch with Siegfried for a month and a half. Kinda forced into it by a mage or regular family member? Not as mad, but still pretty pissed, and she now has a new target once this is all over. Joined because why not? She's mad and baffled. Joined because a few randos (who are Chaldea members in disguise) wouldn't leave them alone after giving blood in a blood donation? She's more mad at Chaldea now.

Siegfried would be... mixed. On one hand, it is admirable that they are willing to save the world. On the other hand, they (Guda) never asked for so much shit hitting the fan, and even though he loves both them and Kriemhild, it does frustrate him a bit that he can't do much besides help them in battle. He is glad, in a way, that they're not really going to sacrifice themselves like he did, since they're also intent on surviving through this.

Edit: roughly the same as before in regards to Master, plus a few things he's glad for like them acting as his impulse control of sorts, something that Kriemhild does appreciate. Although, if he finds out Master did join Chaldea because they wanted to save the world, he'll be like "oh no they were like me even before we met".

Once everything is said and done, I bet you 10 bucks that Kriemhild will take the polycule (plus the kids like Sieg and Jack) out for the longest possible vacation, because holy shit. Local Vengeful Widow did not ask for the bullshittery that is the plot of FGO's ongoing story.

[thecoramaria]

Same anon here! Sorry I wasn't clear with my ask before. I mean like source material! Like I want to write Miraculous ladybug and decided to go for the historical au. But I don't know anything about the country and do some research before writing fanfic. How my idea is going to fit. What tropes they have because of cultural differences. Things like that. Thank you again for answering my ask before. I'm a little new to the writing side. Actually I wanted to write but have no directions but start.

Oh no worries! Since you're looking to write a historical AU for Miraculous Ladybug, I assume you mean French culture? If so, then I've heard that @miraculousfrenchculture is a good resource. Perhaps if you're able to find a beta-reader who is French/from the culture of your historical AU, that might help too, but I understand that they might be hard to come by, especially if you'd prefer someone who is particularly knowledgeable on a specific era of French history.

Since 'Miraculous Ladybug' is a French-produced show based in Paris, my approach would be to focus on portraying French culture the way the show does, supplemented by my own research. (Again, assuming that your historical AU is French.)

On the other hand, ML has also been criticised by Chinese and Japanese fans for its missteps in the representation of their cultures, so representing any aspects of Chinese or Japanese culture in an ML would mean having to familiarise myself with these criticisms so I can ensure that I don't replicate the mistakes of the source material in my own writing.

As for where to start with your writing process? I always start with a thought dump. I just write down any and all ideas that come to my mind. If you do this, then you don't have to worry just yet about how historically accurate your ideas are. This is a private document that you don't have to show anyone else, so you have the freedom to be imperfect. Just make sure you don't get too attached to any ideas you come up with just yet, since you might later find out that some idea you've based your premise on is actually culturally insensitive in some way.

After you've got an idea of your premise/basic plot in your head, you can then investigate whether or not your premise has any glaring issues. Perhaps that means describing your idea to an ask blog or emotional labour Facebook group where they've already made it clear that they're happy to help with this kind of stuff, or perhaps it just means researching common pitfalls or any aspect of your plot/premise that you even vaguely suspect might bother members of the culture you're about to represent. There's a chance that someone else has already asked what you want to ask or been criticised (in good faith) for the mistake that you think you might make.

The important thing to remember is that no matter how much research you do, you'll inevitably make some mistakes when portraying a culture that isn't your own. From what I've heard from people who are far more qualified to speak on this than I am, as long as you give it your best effort, portray these cultures from a place of respect, and listen to constructive criticism, that's good enough.

I hope this answer was helpful in some way. I feel like as a white Australian who is still learning a lot about representing cultures and experiences other than my own, I couldn't offer much in the way of resources since I don't know where or when exactly your historical AU would be based, nor did I want to step on anyone's toes. If anyone would like to chime in with any additions (or even correct me on anything I may have said) then you are more than welcome to.

[cafeacademia]

Okay, I'm only talking about this because people (or could be the same anon) keeps sending me asks to ask if I am still writing for Spencer and I feel like I have to address it even though it's not really necessary?

The short answer is YES I am still writing for Spencer, please calm down and stop sending me pushy anons about it. - There's a TL;DR at the bottom if you don't want to read the whole thing.

The more accurate answer is this: I love Spencer, but boy is taking a bit of a backseat while Matt Murdock (and Marvel in general) takes the wheel for a bit. I wrote a lot of fics for Spencer and I got to the point where everything I wanted to write for him (so far!!) has been written.

This does not mean I will stop, I still have fic ideas for him lingering about, I just want to come up with some better fic ideas and really enjoy writing for him and not let it reach a point where I bend for every single anon in my inbox begging me to write for him until I find myself burnt out.

This also is due to the fact that most of my requests are Matt focused. Only two people asked for Spencer fics, so I can only assume my followers want to see more Marvel at the moment and I am more than happy with that.

Also, please keep in mind and remember that I am multifandom. My blog is not dedicated to one particular character or fandom.

On another note - I've been on this platform for over 3 years now. For the love of everything sacred, if a writer slows down on a character/shelves them/decides to take a break from them/focus on a different fandom for a little while don't send them pushy anons. I hope and I am sure you mean well, but it comes off very passive aggressive and puts writers under a lot of pressure.

TL;DR: love Spencer, he's hot and cute, still writing for him, just need to write some other stuff and give you a reminder that I'm multifandom so I often swap things out. Pls stop sending pushy anons about it, love you kisses mwah pet a dog or a cat or a stuffie bye

[psychelis-new]

Hello lis,

From the anon that suggested your latest pac, thank you! The pile I chose really sounds like something they would tell, the word choices and all...

Although I didn't get the clarity that I was so much seeking to get. I guess they just don't want to make it clever. And yes, I texted them too. A lot of things and they just replied with sorry. I know it has nothing to do with the pac but i see you always type on your pacs that it is best to talk to a person than just rely on the pac itself, which is ofc the logical thing to do.

Thank you for your time and energy, I always appreciate it!

Wishing you a great summer! Well, the rest of it :D

Thank you for your feedback, glad you enjoyed the pac and it seemed to resonate. A reminder: pacs are just general readings. Things cannot be specific for you/your situation in there, so even if there was a more specific message, it very likely got eaten away by the group's energy.

Now, my personal opinion when it comes to closures or similar things is to try and keep in mind that the other has their own reasons and emotions too and respect them. Ofc we sometimes would want answers, would like for more, but we cannot oblige them to give us. We have to respect their choice and feelings too (even if ours got hurt by them). What would we do if we were in their place and their in ours? Trying to push us to do/talk about things we don't wanna do/talk about for any reason (even fearing hurting us more or anything else)? We should try to evaluate each situation and decide accordingly, as in balancing a bit more our needs with theirs: in relationships there are always 2 people that have the same importance/worth. And remember: we can give ourselves closure when we need. It's possible. Even if they'd told us reasons for their behaviour, it wouldn't always help us in closing that door (there's another pac on insta about this btw): the decision and reasons to make it, more often than not, originate from within us. (And clarity, will very likely hit you at the right time anyway, especially when you need to hear it/are ready to hear it).

Last thing: when I write that you (we all) don't have to rely on readings is cause readings can't be 100% accurate (especially pacs = general readings). Readings depend on so many factors, and readers aren't perfect either. The only way to have the real truth for your specific situation, is to actually ask for it irl. That's a general suggestion I give to everyone, cause oftentimes I feel many people just rely on what a pac says and don't take action in their life in any way. But readings can never dictate your life, you're the only one in charge of it and you have to make decisions with your guts first. Readings can give you a general guidance, but it's up to you to make the final choice.

All the best and enjoy your summer too :) I hope to not evaporate tbh lol

[stinkysam]

Togata Mirio - Breaking up by text is illegal

Warning : none

Genre : angst / comfort

Synopsis : "Mirio after he lost his quirk made sure not to contact his boyfriend M!reader and U.A. made sure to not let word of it slip outside. So y/n is confused why Mirio is not responding and can't talk to him. Eventually Mirio sends him a break-up text, which motivates y/n to find him. Mirio could maybe break down a bit, but y/n would be comfortin him." - Anon EL

Reader : gender neutral (you/yours)

Sitting on his bed and hugging his legs, Tamaki was looking at Mirio with a worried expression.

"I still don't think it was a good idea" he managed to say quietly, unsure if his words even mattered in the current situation

"It is. It has to."

He sounds like he's trying to convince himself. Is it really okay ?

Togata felt terribly bad. And he hated how he had dragged his friends into not telling you anything.

The most drastic change despite not seeing your boyfriend was the disappearance of Tamaki. Fearing he might end up telling you everything, he decided to avoid you, which ticked you a little bit.

You weren't in a better mind space than Togata. You were desperately trying to calm yourself after reading your notifications.

It has been two weeks since you last saw Togata and even though you trusted him, you found his sudden silence worrisome.

Despite it, you had decided to wait patiently for his return.

You freaked out a little when you finally saw a message from him pop up. He was finally free from whatever took him away from you. He could talk to you now. You could spend time together.

But as you clicked on the notification to read the whole message, a sentence flashed by your eyes : "we should break up". Before it could entirely appear, you locked your phone to stop yourself to see it.

Nope.

Nope. Definitely nope.

You did not just read that.

No.

You knew you should read the text first instead of panicking already, but you couldn't help it. You saw the words. He's not the type to joke about it. Please, make it so it's just bad autocorrect. Please.

It's after a few minutes that you finally unlocked your phone again to, you hoped, see that you had no reasons to panic. It was hard to focus, every few words losing any shape of meaning. Finally, your heart sank as your nervous smile fell.

It wasn't a mistake.

What had just happened ?

For a long moment you felt lost, unsure of what to do or how to feel. Should you answer ?

You tried to text a few friends about it, but you couldn't find a way to start the discussion. Or maybe you didn't want to make it real by speaking about it.

You decided to watch some videos to try to clear your mind. More accurately ; ignore the situation. But to be honest, you weren't even paying attention, your brain constantly replaying your time together trying to find what could have led you to this moment.

Nothing. No words or actions could have led to this. So why ? You can't just fall out of love like this. Right ?

The more you thought about it and the more you felt frustrated. By text. Really. In 2021. By a future hero. Really ?!

Your blood boiling, you decided to pay him a visit, almost forgetting to lock the door on your way out.

You don't wanna see me ? What if I show up at your door, what you gonna do ? Text me to leave ? Quickly you sent a simple "No." to your non ex-boyfriend, already flooded with the envy to speak your mind.

Togata froze when he saw your answer, not knowing how to react. This is not what he thought he would get.

Tamaki remained silent not knowing what to say, but still let out a small smile, happy to see you had no intention of giving up on his best friend. 

After an hour and a half where you tried to enter U.A, find their dorms, walk past the security or the teachers, sneak in the right side of the dorms, and find what room you looked for, you finally found yourself in front of your boyfriend's door.

You took a deep breath to ease your nerves and knocked before opening the door. You sighed, relieved when you understood no one was there. Despite wanting to talk to him, you were getting more and more anxious to actually see him. 

Closing the door with a shaky exhale, you walked down the corridor to find Tamaki's room. Once again you stopped, but hearing Togata's voice through the door scared you. He was there. It was now.

Now.

And you're still not opening the door. God, fuck, why !? You tried to regain some confidence by re-reading his text hoping it would fuel you once more with enough motivation to push the door.

Jesus fuck don't be a bitch and open the door ! Mentally yelling at yourself you slammed the door open, quickly regretting it as you saw two pairs of eyes looking at you, surprised. 

What, now ? 

Thinking about what to say and noticing at the same time how your boyfriend had a few bandages on him, you walked closer, forgetting about your hand firmly holding the door handle. You let out a surprised grunt at the sudden sensation of your arm being pulled back and let go of the door, now hesitating to get closer. 

You awkwardly apologized for scaring them and laughed nervously as you gestured to the door. Didn't meant to… 

Before Togata could say anything, you asked if the two of you could have a discussion elsewhere.

"Please." you added, your voice lower than before. He agreed and followed you to his room. The walk felt long and awkward. What are you even going to say ? Slowly you started to wonder if it was the right thing to do. What if he simply fell out of love ?

The idea of him actually wanting to break up with you terrified you.

Despite looking calm about it, Togata was also panicking. What should he say ? Do ? Should he say the truth ? What if you decide to leave in the end ? But if you came here, it's for a reason, you wouldn't leave after he told you. What if he's wrong…

He gestured for you to sit on his bed as he sat next to you, trying to hide the few remaining bandages on his arms.

You analyzed him, a little bit because you missed seeing him, and because you wanted to see how injured he was.

You tried to not look him in the eyes too much, too anxious for that yet, and asked him if the break-up was due to "this" you said pointing at the bandages.

He looked at them, unsure of what to say before finally letting out a quiet "Yes". Unable to lie to you anymore.

He didn't know why he sent such a text. What went through him ? Why did he thought that was the right thing to do ?

But again, he refused to show any sign of struggle and smiled, apologizing for worrying you. God it felt painful to smile as if nothing happened. To tell you he just wasn't in a good mind space at that moment. That he didn't mean it.

But a hero can't show weaknesses. Right ?

Even though you were still trying to understand, you gently placed your hands on his and by the gods did it feel good. A little too good apparently as he opened his mouth again blurting a "I lost my quirk."

Panic flashed through you before you quickly shut it down. It wouldn't help to ask questions about it. It wouldn't help to show worries.

You took a couple seconds before moving your hand to rest on his cheek.

"The cause, I mean the reason behind it. Would you do it again ?" you knew him. You knew what U.A was about. If he ever broke a bone, it was while trying to save or help someone. This time, it was simply a little bit more than the usual.

He seemed a little bit taken aback by your question before thinking and quickly answering with a firm "Yes", earning a smile from you. Yeah. Of course.

"I guess that'll stop you from scaring the shit out of me by randomly popping your head through walls and ceilings"

He let out a little laugh at your comment before softly bumping his head against your chest, fingers shyly grabbing yours as he let your second arm wrap around him, to hold him closer.

"You like it"

"Yeah, when you scare random people. Or Tamaki. Not me."

He chuckled against you as he started to feel more and more at ease. You were right. He saved someone and had no regret about it. You should meet Eri. You'd love her.

[amysubmits]

Thank you for your answer. I'm the obedience-related anxiety anon! Or, well, not really obedience-related but you've got the point, I hope. I'll definitely look up stuff on service and obedience.

I have a lot to think about, but I think my main issue is the wording. I know I wouldn't particularly like anticipatory service. I do like to obey, as long as it's worded as a request and not an order. I'm realising now that the reason why I struggle to understand myself might be that it could seem counterintuitive to most people: isn't it inherent to obedience that you just do what you're told? It's not like you have the option to decline. An order is an order, while you could just say no to a request. But I know that being ordered feels somehow wrong, as if I'm not being valued, or my submission is taken for granted. So, to me, I believe a request equals to what an order might be to other people, just worded in a different way.

It was also important to me that you pointed out that it's understandable that I may relate to some of your submission style but to dislike/be bothered by other parts. I do think it's important to remember that what works for someone in a D/s relationship doesn't have to work for someone else. I feel like it's hard to keep that in mind and not feel somehow wrong or like you're asking for too much/for something that's not "typical" in a given D/s dynamic. Especially for someone like me, who's kind of new to exploring this whole thing (and to this side of Tumblr!), despite being almost 30yo. Not that there's any age limit to it! I just mean that beginning to realize something so life-changing about myself now (and not, for example, at the same time I realized I'm not straight when I was in my late teens) has been... Kind of a rollercoaster. Blogs like yours definitely help though, and I'm grateful!

Again, thank you so much for your kindness.

You're very welcome. :)

I think you're mostly just sharing your thoughts more so than really asking me anything, but I thought I'd share my thoughts just in case they're helpful I guess?

"isn't it inherent to obedience that you just do what you're told?"

My personal answer to this is...sort of, but not really. For us - and I suspect most D/s couples, there is a lot of room between absolute, unquestioning, immediate obedience, and disobedience.

There are plenty of times in our typical week where I can and do just obey that simple, immediate way. Like..."Can you get me a glass of water?" and then I just get him a glass of water and bring it to him right then, nothing more involved than that. But it's probably more common for there to be some conversation involved. Something like...

Cd: "I want you to catch up on laundry today."

Me: "Okay. Just what's in the hamper or the bedding as well?"

Or me: "Did you remember that I have (X, Y & Z) to do today? I think we have 3 loads to do and I'm not sure I'll have that much time?"

Anytime I have any hesitation, questions or concerns with something he's asked or told me to do, I raise those concerns rather than just obey without saying anything. And then he answers me or considers my point and let's me know what to do from there. This isn't disobedience, it's just communication, as I'm not questioning his authority, I'm still happy to let him ultimately decide what I do. But I sometimes have to raise questions or get clarity or have my needs or concerns addressed rather than literally just obeying, period. So I'm not sure that 'just' doing what I'm told is really accurate to what obedience looks like for me, at least not all the time.

I feel like him instructing me and me doing as he says is obedience but it's not super demanding, if that makes sense? When he gives me an instruction (or 'order' I guess...we don't really use that word much) it's still a conversation, or at least it can be a conversation if needed. It's not like him giving me this list of 'musts' and then I have to just comply, period. It's much more interactive, and it can be a lot more flexible than that. For my dynamic, me saying 'no' because I am not in the mood to do what he'd like me to do wouldn't be appropriate. But that is just our agreement, it only exists because I agreed to it and wanted it that way, too. D/s can definitely be done where you do 'take a break' from it if either person isn't in the mood. And for us, anytime I have what we would consider a more 'legitimate' issue, there's tons of room for negotiation and conversation, always. He doesn't want me to just say 'yes sir' and do it if something is a problem for me, or I have questions. He wants to be informed about my needs and concerns, he cares of his instructions for me are a problem for me or even just very inconvenient for me.

Also, CD usually does phrase things as requests. We're just very casual with our language, but even if he asks me to do something, we have a mutual understanding that he expects me to do as he's asked me to, unless I let him know why I can't (or even why I really don't wat to, if the reason is one he considers good enough). So he isn't walking around like a drill sergeant or anything. 'orders' isn't part of our normal vocabulary. Even if he isn't asking me to do something, he'll usually just say 'I want you to X' or occasionally he'll say 'I have a task for you,' and then go on to tell me what it is, or something like that. He never really says 'I order you to X' or 'Do x. That's an order!' or anything like that. I think I'd laugh if he did say that, honestly! That just isn't natural for how to speak to each other. If he occasionally has to get stern to get my attention he changes his tone of voice more so than his wording. I think we talk to each other like vanilla couples do for the most part.

I sort of pause here and go hmm where am I going with this? And I'm not entirely sure, haha. I guess that just seemed like insight that might be helpful to you, somehow? I want to make it clear that I am not at all suggesting that this is how you should do it or anything. I totally understand if these types of things wouldn't work for you. I think part of finding your D/s styles comes down to gaining a deep understanding of your triggers so you can figure out how to do what you want to do without it triggering any of those yucky feelings. I understand if my examples may still trigger your anxiety about feeling powerless or not having your submission recognized/valued/appreciated. I just thought the additional insight may help somehow.

You definitely aren't alone at discovering your interest in D/s in your late 20's. I've seen people say they discovered themselves in their 50's, even. :)

[attollogame]

Personally, I'm just waiting for Sysba to eat someone and then get sick so I can be like, "Oh gee, maybe it was someone you ate?" Smh. Wait — they only get sick on human food, don't they? Pshh, 6000+ years and can't handle a li'l love & dairy?  Talk about lessons on why you shouldn't just go around causin' chaos and cannibalizin', amirite? Also, I've decided to dedicate my official first playthrough when the books are fully released to getting killed at every turn, which I guess means angering everyone. (Sorry my dear sibling, it's gonna be a while). Especially looking forward to seeing how angry I can make Sysba. Like, what you gonna do? Eat me? Go ahead bro. I hope I give you a tummyache and remind you of ALL THE FOOD YOU CANT EAT. Lmao, but in seriousness, I do think Sysba kinda sounds like a fun friend to have — in the most humane ways a walking horror fashion show can be — it seems like we somewhat enjoy teasing in the same way and I like the thought of a like-minded individual joining Ovo in the sense of: "No need to be alarmed, friends. This one doesn't eat people. I'm just here to torture you in other ways. 🙌"

I do have questions though. About, uh... Malachi. 👉👈 It's a selfish one so you don't have to answer, but since reading about him never feeling romantic love: what would be his reaction if he found out someone had a crush on or wanted to pursue him in that way? Or since he seems well-versed(?) in body language as well, what would be his thoughts if he recognized that the person talking to him is attracted to him? Has anyone tried to pursue him in the past? I found myself inspired to write my first fanfic with him, but really struggled here. I'm also a sucker 'cause the character I wanted to write with him is going to be way taller and I thought it was kinda cute. 🤭

Anyhow, thank you for taking the time to read this or if any of it came off rude, I apologize. I know I can get carried away.

May I also take this time to curse thank those that asked about Malachi before me; those answers have served as the fuel for this love that is perhaps not to be but in my dreams.

Some flowers for you, Ames and anons —

may you be well and happy 🌷🌷🌷

I love that you're going to try and die at every opportunity lmaooo, truly the most accurate approach to this situation. I don't know how great of a friend Sysba would be, but if you're thick-skinned enough (both literally and metaphorically), I'm sure you'd be able to get them to hang out with you more than once.

In terms of your question about Malachi, I have actually always perceived him as aromantic when I write him and as I've continued writing him, this has felt like it fits with who he is very well; he feels very little romantic attraction to others, which is why I pointed out that he hasn't really felt romantic love—given that he has a great deal of social anxiety as well, I think he'd likely avoid overly interacting with a person who likes him in that manner until the feeling fades. If you intend to write fanfiction with him, I do ask you to keep this in mind as I wouldn't want you to accidentally misrepresent ^^

Thank you for asking!!!

[jawnkeets]

probably a strange question but: how did you develop your style when it comes to poetry? I really appreciate how you write and how it's vague and specific at the same time? don't know how to express what I mean exactly, but it's like phrases that you feel more than you really understand them sometimes, and that don't look like they should make sense at a glance but when you really read them they do. maybe you'll know what quality I mean 🙈 I feel like I'm way too literal when I write and I want to be a little more abstract in a say less, convey more kind of a way?

hey anon, thank you! not a strange question at all - it’s actually a very good question, and one that i was asking until recently as well (and to be honest am still asking!). i totally know what you mean.

i guess the shortest answer i can give you is that i think ‘poetic feeling’ is best felt full-on, but expressed to the side. it’s also something that genuinely does get easier the more you try to do it, i.e., is a skill that can be sharpened; to start with, everything feels like nonsense, or not quite right, and i felt like a bit of a fake initially, but as i did it more and more i had more and more tiny breakthroughs and gained confidence (which is a genuinely such a large part of any creative endeavour), and this can happen surprisingly fast and snowball; i switched up my style in maybe 1-3 months, just trying a little bit - maybe 15 lines - every couple of days or so. and i didn’t put pressure on myself, deciding if i hated it i’d delete it and reminding myself that no one had to see. i find writing short poems also really helps with practising: they can help you focus more intensely on each choice.

it’s also not a solo thing, or at least doesn’t have to be - i use random word generators, to different degrees depending on the poem, and also it’s surprising how much even just picking words off wikipedia can help, especially with themed poetry. recently i wrote a poem about the medieval period, and threw in words that came to me with terms from wiki pages about the medieval period (history, art, medicine, etc), to make noun phrases like ‘kaleidoscopic altar vision noise’, ‘law texture’, etc etc. the thing that’s helped me most, though, is reading other poems which i think have this quality, which tends especially to be image-heavy poetry: will stone’s translation of trakl completely changed the direction of my poetry, and lorca, rilke and seferis have also been invaluable. i also find authors that do weird things with syntax interesting, like e. e. cummings and j. h. prynne, but don’t go quite as far as them. i have a list of favourite poems which might help, and which i re-read regularly ❤️

something else i enjoy doing is practising reading and misremembering, which sounds like cheating but is actually an excellent way of generating new material. i remember reading (i think it’s this article) alexandra cook’s 'creative memory and visual image in chaucer’s house of fame' and it was a breakthrough for me. from memory (ironic - wish i still had access so i could properly quote from it/check stuff) it talked about how one dimension to medieval creativity was misremembering - that new ideas and originality came from the gap between what the work actually was and how another writer remembered it. trying to deliberately misremember is a lot of fun; a poem is then borne out of an interesting intersection of skill and contingency, which gives it an energy, i think.

on a kind of separate but related note, the classical ars memoriae, or ‘art of memory’, might be quite an interesting thing to play with in relation to writing poetry. what it is, for anyone that’s not familiar with it, is basically the notion that the way to remember things is by having some kind of system in your head - like spatialising the material (so you think about the room you first encountered it in and all the details to help you better remember it), imagining it in a sequence, breaking it up into sets - there are absolutely loads of ways. if this seems weird or alien, we still use mind maps all the time, which is a great example! to deliberately twist, literalise and tbh actually invert the art of memory stuff (i know this is a bit abstract eek), i’ve been thinking recently that it might be fun to distort ideas (themes, an image you like, a line you like) by running them through various ancient memory systems, because i think medieval thought had a point that these systems subtly distort things even as and precisely because their function is get us to remember them accurately (paradoxically, we bend them to our chosen way of thinking/remembering stuff, which alters the material). using ways of memorising we wouldn’t normally use, and forcing them to interact with material much more literally, can yield quite interesting results. in any case, it introduces different ‘head spaces’ which can be quite useful to take in a very loose way when trying to ‘think to the side’: here’s a starting list. to give quite a crude and simplified example, let’s say i’m obsessed with homer’s wine dark sea and want to write something based on it, but also different and original. what if i try to think of ‘wine dark sea’ as sequential (thinking of material in a sequence being one way of remembering things listed on the above wikipedia link)? i’m honestly not sure what that means, and i can’t envision that. it doesn’t even make sense, and is a deliberate perversion of what memorising things in a sequence would actually look like - ‘wine dark sea’ would be one chain in a sequence if the sequence was, e.g., ‘favourite quotes’. ‘wine dark sea’ itself can’t be a sequence; this would turn ‘wine dark sea’ into something logical, mathematical even. but then the phrase ‘mathematical wine dark sea’ is interesting and unexpected. and you can then play with that or variations of it - ‘wine sea: dark, mathematical’ would make a great opening line, and ‘wine sea mathematics’ and ‘wine dark mathematics’ are really interesting phrases (you know actually i quite like this - might go and write a poem about it now... lol).

that last bit is very speculative and i’m kind of thinking out loud, so feel free to ignore haha. i wrote a post on writing poetry a couple of years ago, too, which might have a couple of useful tidbits. i hope some of this is helpful!!

[overlyimmersed]

Nightmares and Daydreams

A Gravity Falls AU.

Hi @verysorrytobother​ Stanticore anon, revealing my true identity to share this with you! I wasn’t sure how a post this long would go over as an ask, so I decided to do it this way. I hope this is ok.

I’ve been working on this for a while and I hope it goes over well enough. The artwork took me the most time.

As a car crash victim is slowly dying, her mental self panics in the mindscape. She's offered a deal to save her life. Let the game begin.

(Content warnings: Blood. Descriptions of serious injuries.)

"What..." she whispered to herself, staring at the other in disbelief.

"Yep!" he confirms, in a high-pitched, grating, inappropriately upbeat tone, "Dead as a doornail, kid!- Well technically you still have a few more seconds till you brain totally ceases to function. Better make up your mind while you still have one!"

She's still staring dumbly at him. How can he be this nonchalant about it?! A half second ago she was sitting in the front seat of the family truck, a totally routine trip to the store- she never liked trucks but her dad's a carpenter so they need the hauling space. At least it's a pretty shade of blue- and the next she's here, laying face down in a black void with this prick this- this...All Seeing Eye? He's like the Illuminati symbol, but with arms and legs and a top hat. Caution sign yellow and talking to her- or at her. Bill. Freaking. Cipher. Every time he 'speaks' he flashes with light- no mouth so does it really count as speaking? More like his voice is being projected right into her mind- ... And he's telling her that she freakin died! Can't he see how messed up this is?! Can't he sympathize at all!? Then again, it's Bill. She ought to know better.

She ought to know better. She's seen this show a hundred times, she knows nothing good comes from dealing with Cipher. But she doesn't have time to be careful, she doesn't have the luxury of weighing options.

"Tick-tock, Car Wreck!" The obnoxious voice insists again, forcing her out of her stupor, his outstretched hand now alight with blue fire.

Her face scrunches up in a loud cringe, eyes screwed shut and teeth bared, and she swings her hand till it lands solidly in his. Crazed cackling resounds as the deal is struck, but it falls to simple soundtrack as her senses try to sort out what's going on.

She'd expected the blue fire to burn, or at least feel like something, but it didn't. Instead her entire being is flung into a...whirl? Free fall? Something that makes her stomach jump into her throat, and gives her vertigo.

The sensation stops suddenly, only to be replaced by a cacophony of new perceptions. She isn't sure which strikes her first, the sounds or the smell. Shrieks of agony and terror make up the next track of this bizarre playlist, punctuated by the reek of burnt hair. When her eyes fly open to try and make sense of it all, they have no luck. The sight that meets her is a sky of surreal, swirling, bastardized ribbons of every hue, like being inside a filthy bubble. Floating strewn about the space are pockmarked asteroids, and little else.

"So what'd ya think?" The grating voice rejoins the discord, drawing her shell-shocked gaze. "Home-sweet-home, huh? Well don't worry, you won't be here for very long. A deal's a deal, Car Wreck." With that que, and a snap of his fingers, she's falling again. This time untethered and unaccompanied. It takes her a moment to realize the scream ripping though the void is coming from her own throat. Once it hits her, so does something else, and the world goes black.

She wakes some time later, maybe moments maybe days. She has no way of knowing. She pushes herself onto her hands and knees, groggy and disoriented. It takes her a moment to notice the texture under her hands and focus her vision on it. It's grass. She sits up and looks around. "oh..." she says to herself, taking in the scenery. It's lovely, a grassy, sun soaked field. The sky made of churning colors like the last place she'd been, but they're pastel and much prettier. A warm breeze brushes past her face and she takes a deep breath of it, it smells sweet and warm, heavy with the scent of growing things, and for the first time since this started she finds some peace. Peace which is quickly shattered by a familiar, grating voice.

She jumps and whirls around so quick she falls onto her butt. There, floating just inches from where her head had been, is Bill. Laughing at her of course.

"Whoops! Didn't mean to scare you there, Car Wreck!" he claims, moving through the air to look around, then turning back around to look at her. "So how do you like the new digs?"

There's a beat of silence where she just stares at him again, but quickly she shakes off the shock and tries to respond. "Uh...It's nice." She lets her eyes roam around for a second, before returning to Bill, "Where are we?"

"This is the Realm of Daydreams! Your new HQ!" he answers, floating around behind her and making a grand gesture with his arms.

She turns her head to follow him, "Daydreams? HQ?"

"Yep! This is where you'll hang out when you're not puppeting your little pawns." He turns around to look at the scenery more himself. "Kinda dull if you ask me. Maybe you can do something about that!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh you know, some pillars of anguish, an alter of unholy fire, maybe a blood fountain or a couple of-" he gestures with each suggestion, like a landscaper creating a vision, until she cuts him off.

"No I mean," she finally pushes herself to a stand, teetering a little till she finds her balance. "Pawns?"

He turns back to her, "Oh yeah, which ones do you want anyway?" he waits a beat for an answer, but she just stares back at him, clearly not following. "Ugh, our deal?"

He hadn't really told her what the deal was, just mentioned a game and a second chance. "Uhh, I don't think you-"

"Oh right, you flesh bags need everything explained to you." he groans, rolling his eye, "Alright, here's the deal. We're gonna play a little game," he holds out his hand and a little hologram like projection appears showing an aerial view of a town. "and the people of this hick town are gonna be the pieces." ten little blue stick figures appear in the center of town, each with a little symbol above it's head. "If you win, you rejoin the land of the living!" a little magenta stick figure pops into existence next to the others and they all do a little happy dance. "If I win..." suddenly the whole projection goes up in flames, and she jerks her head back instinctively, "You burn with rest of those worthless mortals!" He bursts into a fit of maniacal laughter, which actually gives her some times to recover.

After a second of shocked staring, she blinks a few times then puts on as neutral an expression as she can. "Ok. So what are the rules?"

"Simple!" he answers, cutting off his laughter "We can't directly manipulate each other's pawns, and we can't interfere with the other's powers."

"That's it?"

"Yep. Everything else is fair game"

"Ok...What are my powers?"

"Same as mine! Except you don't have to wait till someone falls asleep to get in their head."

"I see..." her eyes wander to the ground as she contemplates the information, and her hand reaches for the longest of her three necklaces to idly play with the spiked pendant. "So you can talk to them in dreams, and I can talk to them in daydreams."

"Bingo!"

She scrunches her nose a little, thinking of a few ways that could end up being annoying. "Alright, anything else I need to know?"

"Hmm, nope! That just about covers it. All that's left is to pick our pawns, I'll even let you go first!" And with that ten, glowing, blue symbols appear between them. She looks them over carefully, she knows who each symbol corresponds to- supposing the cartoon from her world is accurate. She considers the six-fingered hand, if she takes him out of Bill's control from the start that derails his whole plan as she knows it. But, then she'll have no clue what's up to at all, at least by letting Bill have the pawns she's familiar with she has a chance at guessing his moves. She reaches forward and touches the shooting star, it turns magenta and floats to hover closer to her.

"Interesting." Bill comments, though his tone doesn't sound very interested, as he makes a simple motion with his eye and the six-fingered hand settles beside him. She chooses the fish looking symbol next, and Bill's second choice in the pine tree. They go back and forth till they have five symbols each, Bill having the the six-fingered hand, the pine tree, the llama, the stitched heart, and the pentagram. While she has the shooting star, the fish, the bag of ice, the spectacles, and the question mark.

"Welp, that settles that. Nice picks you made there, lets hope they work out for ya, Car Wreck"

"Could you not call me that?" though it hardly sounds like a request.

"And what else should I call you?" Bill asks, collecting his symbols into one hand and placing the other on his...hip?

"How about my name? It's Maranwe."

"But Car Wreck fits you so much better! Just take a look!" he quips, snapping a full-length mirror into existence. Maranwe turns to look and gasps in horror. Bill breaks out into more cackling, "Well my work here is done! I'll let you get cleaned up, see ya around Car Wreck!" And with that he fades from existence.

Maranwe just stares, even as Bill disappears from 'her' realm, she can only stare at her destroyed refection. Her hair is messy- and she almost laughs that that's what her brain zeros in on first-, It's also dirty, some of the mess is actual dirt but several spots are matted with half-dry blood. Her face is in a similar condition, smeared with dirt and blood but she can see the wounds there. Scrapes and still oozing cuts, bruises forming on one cheek bone and under her eyes. Her nose isn't quite right...broken probably. Her vision skims over her whole body for a second, making note of similar injuries where tears in her clothes reveal them. It's not as bad as she would expect a car crash victim to look- "except for that" Her mind screams suddenly while all her mouth can do is gasp, as her attention lands dizzyingly on her neck. It's...purple, but also red? There's no spilled blood but it still looks ugly, and the worst part is the...bump. It's not hard to figure out that it's a misaligned bone. Without the pain to tell her she never would have noticed, her neck is broken. Very broken. How is she holding her head up right... Probably because this isn't actually a physical body. She wonders if this is what killed her, or if there's something inside, something she can't see, that did the trick.

Whatever it is, she can't be seen like this. And she really really doesn't want to look like this for her own sake. Bill said she could 'clean herself up'? How exactly... She thinks about how Bill's powers tend to work and tries to concentrate on a cleaner, less beat up mental image of herself. She lifts her hand to her cheek and grazes her finger tips across it, a trail of sparkles follow the touch and the skin underneath returns to normal. She relaxes a little, watching the disaster wipe off her face like cheap make-up. She keeps the image in her mind and closes her eyes, cupping her hands in front of herself and imagining the sparkles pooling in them. Then she splashes the sparkles over he face, like a girl in a face wash commercial, and imagines the glittering dust washing over her entire body, cleaning away the mess and injuries. And when she opens her eyes, that's exactly what's happened. Her reflection shows her whole and unwounded, even her clothes are fixed.

The next thing she does is smooth her hair down, mostly an instinct since it's still messy, and the sparkles trail after her hands, tidying the strands as if she'd just brushed them. She watches her reflection's mouth quirk up a little in a small smirk. So she can just change what she looks like by imagining it? That figures, this is a place of daydreams that's kind of how they work. She knows exactly what to do with this, she's known since she was a kid what she's change if she could. She places the backs of her hands next to her ears and flicks up, sparkles spray up with the motion and her normal human ears, turn to wolf ears the fur the same chocolate brown as her hair. Her smirk blooms into a full blown smile, and she tilts her head to get a better look at them, watching them move as she tests them. It's like they're real! Next is the tail of course, it's mostly brown, with some silver down the top and a black tip. Then she looks down, and taps the toe of each of her shoes against the ground in turn, as she does they become the compressed paws of her own design.

"That's insane..." she laughs to herself. She's actually turning herself into something else, her own made up alien species. And she just can! With the big changes out of the way she works out the details; pupil shape, fang length, and straightens out a few asymmetries and insecurities she's always had about her body- after all why not? When she's done, she can't help admiring herself a little, turning this way and that in front of the mirror, her perfect image of herself. Well- almost perfect. She snaps her fingers and in the same dusting of glitter, her shirt changes. What was before a loose grey t-shirt with the word "nope" written across it in cursive, as been replaced by a cropped sweater, banded in 3 colors; white at the top, then light blue, then dark blue. She lifts it to look at the crop top under neither, it's just plain white. She decides she doesn't like it that way, so it changes to a cropped version of the t-shirt she'd had before. With that taken care of she lifts her arm so the over-sized sleeve falls down and she can see her forearm, which is covered by a light blue arm warmer with white lace around the edges. Perfect. At least for now. She can change later if she decides she doesn't like the arm warmers.

She giggles to herself, invigorated by the makeover and the sense of control she has now. She turns from the mirror and skips a few feet across the grass, the symbols she'd chosen follow her, floating loosely like beads suspended in gel. She laughs a little as she watches them, and idly reaches for her necklace again, but this time her hand just meets the soft knit of her sweater. She'd forgotten to add them into this new look, so she just wills them into place; three different necklaces of three different lengths. Her hand finds the middle length first, the pendant is designed to spin so she plays with it while her mind starts to wander. She starts thinking of plans for winning this game, what she might say to each other 'pawns' and who to use where and how, even letter her thoughts wonder about the new life she'll have. Cipher's hologram suggested she'll stay in Gravity Falls, which would be cool but what about-

The sound of screeching tires and twisting metal cuts her thoughts off clean and she whips around to find the source of the noise, but her fear turns to confusion when she sees...nothing. She stands stock still, her mind running over only vague impressions of thoughts relating to what she just heard, until another loud sound whips her back around. This time she actually sees something, like a huge firework in the pastel oil-slick sky, accompanied by Bill's obnoxious voice echoing through the space.

"Let the game begin!"

[return-of-the-trinidude]

Um.. Hello, nice to meet you.👋🏾 This is my first time talking to you; I am also a fellow Trini btw 🇹🇹 🙂

(Honestly I have to say, up until now I never thought that anyone from my country has ever used or even heard of Tumblr.😅 Discovering your blog has definitely made me feel less self-conscious in that regard, so thank you for that.)

I'm just here because I want to ask for your genuine opinion on something, because, as a younger Christian it has made me feel *very* conflicted ever since reading it, I think it would help if I got a second opinion (from one trini christian to another) I really hope you don't mind.

Please just tell me, what are your thoughts on this post?

Hey, sorry for such a long delay. I just had a bunch of significant life events happen in a short time, but now everything is pretty settled, so here’s my answer:

I agree with the first poster to an extent. There is a lot of things that society labels as male and female: liking the color pink, interest in sports, watching rom coms, playing video games etc. These things aren’t and shouldn’t be gendered, but it doesn’t stop both traditionalists and modernist from doing so (it’s ironic that they both do this in different ways).

However, that’s where my agreement ends. Just because some things aren’t gendered, doesn’t mean that everything isn’t. Certain roles and definitions are set out in the Bible as to what it is to be a man and what it means to be a woman. What Galatians 3:28 is speaking about is equality. Taking a look at the whole verse, it says “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.” It’s not saying that these classifications do not exist, but that in Christ, these classifications do not decide one’s worth. Jewish Christians should not look down on Gentiles, men should not assert superiority over women, and free men should not disparage servants. The hierarchy that society assigns to gender roles do not exist in Christ, but that is not to say that gender roles do not exist at all. So I would say that the video posted by the second person is more accurate than OP’s take.

I hope I explained myself well there. Also, feel free to give me a shout off anon. It’s always great to find another Trini on here.

[honeyymistt]

[1/2] hey, okay, it's me again. i feel like i'm treating you like an unpaid therapist but idk where to share this and how to get help (this is kinda lengthy, and i do apologise for that)

i think i'm running out of patience for myself on how to live with myself; all my favourite artists and fictional characters experience this same hollow loneliness but they just— keep going..... despite it all. i'm trying to keep busy with studying but that quickly led to an all-nighter and now i can't fall asleep despite my exhaustion. i think the goals i've had in mind for myself are too high, so i'm just going to spend the next week reading without shame or guilt and try to finally start learning russian. i don't really take care of my physical fitness bc i'm always tired and i feel like all my energy is spent on keeping in check with eating and taking care of my physical hygiene. i have so much time each day and yet at the end of the day i still feel like i did nothing even though i read and studied a lot. i just feel like i'm stagnated, still in my 16-year-old teenage mind bc i spent my youth numbing myself bc i couldn't stand my own thoughts. i havent talked to anyone really, besides my famil, in weeks, and i know loneliness is a common feeling most of us carry with us, but since i'm not very smart and don't know about a lot of things that matter, like history and art, i just feel so inadequate because all these people i look up to, and secretly aspire to be, are fundamentally different from me. they have rich inner lives even in times of despair, they know how to build their own lives in the rubble and just keep on going despite it all. i just feel like a shell of a human being (dramatic i know). i'm also aware that i'm highly privileged and don't have to worry about money and housing, etc. and i'm grateful for that but despite that I just hate myself and I wish I could be someone else and change; I've tried to over the past years but i never make any actual changes in my life? I don't want to die per se, I just don't want to keep on living like this.

[2/2] also, with the looming climate desaster and our world being ruled by capitalism i know a lot of worries and problems stem from that;;;; also i've had this very embarrassing conversation with my family a month ago; i was very drunk and ofc started talking about capitalism, etc. and lgbtq rights. they're very conservative, smart and well-read and i'm just the complete opposite— my point being, bc i feel so desperately lonely i'm trying to have these conversations with the people around me that are obviously only really meant to be had with close pals and not with 60 year olds who only care about the bootstrap theory etc. anyway my grandmother called me out on my bs and said "so what have you done in your life so far?" nothing. i shouldn't complain about other people, politics etc. and the patriarchal, white supremacist strucures around us bc i've never worked a day in my life...... it's just. i know she's right. but like i literally don't know how to hold conversations anymore and can never recall stuff i read accurately so i'm just talking shit the whole time. i'm so desperately trying to get their approval but i'm just not well-read and smart enough. i know being dumb is not the worst thing to be, i'm alive and living in a well-situated area, but it's the only thing i used to define myself with. my parents expected a lot of us as children and i couldn't deliver. so i pretty much forced them to stop pressuring me but i wish they did now. bc then i would be smart, worldly and have a bright future. i'm sorry for the long rambling. i also don't want to ruin your feed by my long asks...... anyway, if you have any advice i would be so glad to hear it. bc i feel like i'm going slightly insane. -💌 sorry for doing this <33 🤠 feel free to just delete this;;;

hi 💌-anon!!!

don't feel bad for sending this in. your long post is going to have a long answer and it ruining my feed is literally the last thing on my mind. if it bothers people, that's on them ;) similarly to the last ask you sent in, i kind of just pulled out a few things that you wrote and decided to give my perspective on it. i hope that reading some of my (very scrambled) thoughts will relax your mind and heart just a little bit. everything will be okay, i promise.

so the first thing that stood out to me was when you mentioned how all of your favorite fictional characters just keep on going when they feel lonely and i know how frustrating that can be because it's so glorified. they just keep going and then boom! things are better, right? i want you to remember that this is fiction and not an accurate representation of how hard the feeling of loneliness actually hits. so try not to compare yourself to your favorite character and beat yourself up if you're not dealing with loneliness as well as they did because everything in fiction is better and easier.

as for feeling exhausted because of the goals you've made for yourself, i know what you mean. i'm such a perfectionist and workaholic (i suffered from such bad burn out this year). i'm learning how to lower them as well. it's good to be ambitious. it's amazing to have big dreams and goals but you have to prepare yourself for setbacks and failure. so from now on, it's decided that you and me, are going to be accountability buddies. no more unrealistic goals and deadlines. i will hold you accountable, you will hold me accountable and we'll improve together 🤍

so you don't know about things like history and art and you claim that these are things that matter. but matter to who? are you genuinely intrigued by these things? if you are, then study it. read about it. ask questions. but if they just matter to your family, then i really don't think you need to know about these things extensively. it's always good to know things generally but if you aren't interested, then don't waste your time learning about it just to please others.

i could be completely wrong, but from what i understood from your message, you feel really lonely and you're starting to feel a bit stuck. you're surrounded by people who are different from you and that sometimes makes you feel suffocated because the conversations you want to have aren't wanted by others. the first thing i noticed in your message is that you repeatedly call yourself stupid or dumb. you need to stop that, okay? if you keep telling that to yourself, it will destroy a lot of opportunities for you. trust me, i know. you will turn down opportunities thinking that you're not smart enough for it but it's not true. you don't need to be smart to have a bright future. you can be creative, you can athletic, you can be selfless, you can be funny. maybe you just need to embrace who you are and trust that you will have a bright future by just being you. i'll tell you something: you don't need to be exactly like your family to have their success. you need a determination and a good work ethic. where do you start? stop underselling your intelligence. believe in yourself!!!

P.S i can tell that you're smart because your vocabulary is out of this world!!! and oh my god, can we talk about your punctuation? like bestie, you're ahead of the game. i also had to google what the bootstrap theory is. you are smarter than you give yourself credit for!!

another thing i would encourage you to do is to avoid "deep" conversations with your family. if your family is very conservative, there are going to be certain topics that they just won't understand and it might make you frustrated or feel misunderstood; it might make you feel more lonely. i would advise you to just stick to more lighthearted conversations with them. it's not that you don't know how to hold conversations, it's just that the people you're talking to aren't the right listeners.

my sweet 💌-anon, times like these are normal! we all feel lonely at times and i know it's tough and it's frustrating and you feel like nothing in your life is going to work out but i promise you, it will. the universe has it's way of doing that. if i could, i would give you the chance to see yourself the way i see you - full of potential, warm-hearted, and so so deserving of a good life filled with love, caring people and success. times are tough, but so are you. you haven't made it this far to only come this far!! remember that i'm here for you every step of the way and you can message me any time you need to. i will never delete it or ignore you. i love talking to you <3

[iredreamer]

Hi! really love your blog. I find Anne's dairies to be fascinating and I love reading through your interpretation of her words. If you don't mind me asking, cause i don't remember seeing it addressed before: did the whole thing with Ainsworth actually happen? Did Anne really threaten him like she did on the show? did he actually inflicted himself on Ann or was he just a past lover of sorts?

hey :) thank you so much sweet anon, I’m happy you’re loving all the Anne’s facts! She’s just so fascinating, I’m inspired and amazed by her every single day. And my brain still doesn’t fully understand that she actually existed lol.

About Ainsworth, I remember writing something about it but just little things while talking about other things so, no, I never answered these questions.

Let’s start with the death of Mrs Ainsworth, because that’s what really sets things into motion:

October 26, 1832 > The letter with black-edged paper & black seal from Miss Bentley [Ainsworth’s sister-in-law], Manchester, being given to Miss W- junior to read – it fell from her hand on seeing that it was to announce the death of her friend Mrs Ainsworth, in consequence of being thrown out of an open carriage… Immediately proposed our returning – walked home with Miss W-, & instead of going to Shibden as I had intended, wrote & sent at 5 little note to my aunt, stating the case & begging her not to expect me today.

This is what Anne Lister writes about the announcement of Mrs Ainsworth’s death. It happens just like in the show, and Anne stays with Miss Walker all night. They talk about the Ainsworths and Anne even thinks that Miss Walker will "succeed her friend ” and become the new Mrs Ainsworth: “Miss W- seemed much affected but I have really got her to be far better than I could have expected – It instantly struck me – she would in due time succeed her friend & be[come] Mrs Ainsworth.” [SH:7/ML/E/15/0135] She thinks that AW will marry Mr Ainsworth, that’s her first thought, even before anything that might suggest a possible proposition of marriage happens, and (in my opinion) that says a lot about AL’s fear of being left for a man (again) and seeing yet again another one of her lovers not choosing her but marrying a man in the end.

The first letter to Ann Walker from Mr Ainsworth arrives on the 1st of November: November 1, 1832 > She [AW] begged me to stay till she had read her letter from Mr Ainsworth, & this occasioned us such dolefuls that I offered to stay till tomorrow & wrote to this effect to my aunt saying Miss W- had had letters giving the particulars of Mrs Ainsworth death & was so affected I would not leave her tonight. Mr Ainsworth hopes Miss W- will not forsake him as a friend, and begs her to write to him, without mentioning to Miss Bentley (his sister-in-law) his having written to Miss W-. ‘Oh ho’, thought I, ‘all this is very clear’ and I candidly told her what I thought. She owned she could not misunderstand him but could not shew me his letter after the request he had made. This led to my saying that she must now decide between Mr A- and me and ought to make up her mind before she sat down to write to him. Convinced her to this & it ended in her resolving to give me her final answer on Monday – to write to Mr A- on that day – and shew me her letter. [SH:7/ML/E/15/0136 & SH:7/ML/E/15/0137]

So, before having anything to do with Mr Ainsworth, Anne Lister tries to understand what are Ann Walker’s intentions about all this. The events in the show have been slightly re-ordered, just because at the end of the day they were writing a show and we’re watching a show, so things have to be structured and the story needs to unfold not in a confusing way.

The 2nd of November (Friday) is their last sad day together before the weekend and then on Monday (the 5th) all the business with the purse happen (which actually happened, they were so extra I cant with them I swear) etc. etc. 

After the purse thing, Anne Lister gives more time to Ann Walker (till the 1st of January) to decide whether to say “yes” or “no” to her. Ann Walker still remains undecided about Ainsworth and Anne Lister "even had to dictate Ann’s discouraging letter back to the importuning Ainsworth.” [Nature’s Domain] (as we see in the show).

Finally, on Wednesday, AW tells AL the truth about why she thinks she has to marry Ainsworth: November 7, 1832 > Then spoke of Mr Ainsley [Ainsworth] – she was very nervous. At last, from little to more, it came out that if she married him, it would be from duty. I pressed for explanation & discovered that she felt bound to him by some indiscretion – he had taught her to kiss, but they had never gone so far as she & I had done. He had express pathetic sorrow but was annoyed at the business with Mr Fraser & she did not know whether she should have been happy with Mr F-. On  Mr A-’s account my indignation rose against the parson – I reasoned her out of all feeling of duty or obligation towards a man who had taken such base advantage.” [SH:7/ML/E/15/0141]

After this “confession” and after Anne tells her that she has no obligation to marry Ainsworth, AW gives AL her “yes” (but, as in the show, it’s not a firm yes and she will take it back etc. etc. her indecision never ends). Mr Ainsworth keeps writing to AW and AL keeps dictating discouraging letters as a response. AL never meets Ainsworth, she just threatens him through letters. It’s just all correspondence. From the companion book: “The Reverend Ainsworth continued to write, but following a thinly veiled threat to expose his adultery if he continued to communicate with Ann, it was Anne Lister to whom his long ‘rigmarole’ letters were addressed.”

Clearly they changed this because it would have been boring to watch people just write letters to each other all the time, and I’m glad they did because that scene with Ainsworth is AMAZING. But Anne did hate him, she really hated him, at one point she even told AW to not answer anymore and just ignore him. AW kept rejecting him for the longest time (he proposes to her even in 1833 while Ann’s in Scotland).

Going back to the: “he had taught her to kiss, but they had never gone so far as she & I had done.”... From what AL writes, and from what AW says, Ainsworth never inflicted himself on Ann Walker and they never even had sex but the whole thing is not so clear, in fact, at one point AL suspects that AW did have sex with Mr Ainsworth: November 25, 1832 > “In spite of all her declarations to the contrary, I begin to suspect he [Ainsworth] really has deflowered & enjoyed her or how this so declaring against marrying anybody else & this feeling bound to him & how all the pain she suffered sometimes could scarcely walk & why never tell the gross & offending expression he used in his first lett[er] after the death of his wife & that no man would use to the woman he meant to marry? She must have had some man or other, I can never satisfy her.” [SH:7/ML/E/15/0153]

So, Anne Lister thought that AW and Ainsworth had indeed been intimate with each other. At the same time we should keep in mind that these are just AL’s thoughts and not necessarily the truth, she’s just trying to find an explanation to AW’s behaviour.

There is also a passage that I think could be open to interpretation. Anne Lister writes: November 25, 1832 > “Then grubbled her, she making no sort of objection but evidently enjoying it – she thought Mr A- had a smaller hand than mine – I said he had done it more roughly than necessary to spoil her as much as he could without the real thing “yes” (but said she hastily) “he did it first”, that is grubbled first.” [SH:7/ML/E/15/0153] AW had also said to AL that she “felt repugnance to forming any connection with the other sex.” (November 1, 1832) If we put these two things together, maybe we could speculate that what happened between Ainsworth and AW was not consensual. But this is just an interpretation and, as far as I know, in the diaries there’s no explicit mention of rape or sexual abuse.

(Most of the diary’s extracts are from Nature’s Domain by Jill Liddington, and others I decoded from Anne’s diary > Anne Lister’s diaries archive)

tl;dr the Ainsworth thing happened, yes, slightly different from what we saw but mostly accurate; he was certainly not a past lover; AL did threaten him but a lot more subtly and through letters, they never met; there was no rape but maybe Ainsworth’s attentions were really unwanted even tho’, to be absolutely sure, we would need Ann Walker’s pov on the matter which we don’t have.