#death would be nicet

[outtathevirgosupercluster]

August 22 2017, 10:35pm

sometimes... i wish people wouldnt get attached to me. I wish I could run away and everyone ciuld forget abiut me and i could die in peace in the forest or somethinf but no.. no people just have to go ahead and like me, or love me, and I just have to go and fall in love. The funny thing about depression is you just kind of assume youd work up the courage to actually go through with all your plans, and send out your suicide notes (that you still, to this day, have stashed in your closet and sometimes add to), but you... never actually do and now, until that day, you actually try a little bit to work out a plan for yourself in case you never do it. But youre so far behind. Everyone else knows what to do, they have their plan. I stopped planning at the age of 12 and ive been rolling with the punches ever since. rolling with the punches is easy when youre in school and everyone knows who you are nd you have a schedule and you know whats going on everyday because you had no control over it but then you graduate and... then for the first time in your life you have full control over everythung and all your crutches fall away but its as if you still dont know how to walk, even after years of using crutches. Youve thought about walking and been tested on walking and even DREAMED of it.. but nobody ever actually stood you up without your crutches and held your hands until you could walk. They just expect you to know, even give you a bit of a shove, but then youre on your face in the mud and nobody knows your name and your friends stopped inviting you to movie nights and the only one of your close friends that youve seen all summer, who you saw every day for the last 3 years, is your boyfriend. And you havent even known him for a full year yet.

All i ever hear at home anymore is yelling. fuck this and fuck you and get your license and stop being stupid and hey asshole and hes not good enough and youre not good enough is all i ever hear and i hate it. id rather be sitting at school crying then sitting at home because at least at school i had somewhere to go or people to hug. At home? if im crying i get a raised hand and a "if you dont be quiet ill give you something to cry about." No child should ever be afraid of their parents. god am i terrified. I cant stand up for myself. I cant say no. I cant correct them. Its a prison. I want to get out but i cant afford to get out and i have nowhere to turn.

i feel like im homeless.