#death ideation /

[c0nji]

Always underperforming and underachieving thanks to depression and adhd.

15 years and no results.

Things are never going to get better for me, is it?

[dkniade]

You know, years ago when I felt miserable at night I’d write an even more miserable solo Kaeya piece (which exacerbated my feeling, I now realize), but now, when I feel bad and want to write Genshin characters, it’s hurt/comfort. Improvement.

Warnings: (first section) depression & death ideation // (second section) graphic depiction of PTSD — dissociation & flashback, speech pattern change, coldness

2021: “Forlorn Child of Archaic Schemes” (introspective/no comfort Kaeya)

“In reality, this staredown with the void greatly depressed him. And he felt like it was going to win, like it would claim him right then and there. To fall into the depth of the void, at the bottom of a cliff, somehow, such an idea seems like the only solution to his life of guilt and betrayal.”

2023: “Dawn Winds, Heed My Vision” (hurt/comfort Diluc & Venti)

“Venti! Prithee call me naught but Venti…” he breathed. A sinking darkness settled in Diluc’s chest. His brows furrowed. Even for a talented poet such as Venti, this speech pattern felt… unfamiliar . He stepped before the bar and knelt down to support the bard, who was losing his balance.

“Venti,” Diluc repeated with a calm voice, “tell me what’s wrong.”

“I… fear my heart is enshrouded in the chill of… No, I beg of thee…” The bard’s blue eyes seemed unfocused. 

Diluc wrapped his arms around the Anemo Archon’s—no, Venti’s —small body. Who needed a Pyro Vision when it was this deity’s vision that he needed to meet? But Venti stopped Diluc’s hand from making contact. “If you’d grant me permission to simply hold you…”

[nowandthane]

12, 30, 42 for the ship asks!

thanks for the ask!! <3 I'll choose different ships for them all

questions are from here

12. Do they have many heated arguments? How do they smooth things over?

otp: 3 snipers + tali (sarani shepard, tali'zorah, garrus vakarian, thane krios)

They have a LOT of arguments, especially early on in the relationship (not so much later) and especially between Sarani x Garrus and Sarani x Thane. Garrus and Thane too probably, but it's not as bad. Sarani's and Garrus's relationships with Tali is a lot more chill. Thane and Tali a different dynamic. The arguments mainly stemmed from Sarani's recklessness and hypocrisy (which is why they don't argue about it later, she figures things out eventually. with their help <3). Because she sort of wants to die. And also because she was pushing Garrus that like, the ends do not justify the means, we shouldn't hurt innocents while we're trying to catch the bad guy, and he listens to her but then she turns around and does the opposite of what she's preaching ('if it's wrong for me to do it, why is it okay for you??'). Same kinds of arguments with Thane, but they also clashed because they both kind of disagree with each other on a lot of different things. But it's also kind of because they mirror each other a lot so they criticise in the other what they hate most about themselves, if that makes sense. So it does get heated sometimes (like maybe one or two big ones) but mostly it's not that bad. It's a lot of talking, and later, cuddling. This got long lol sorry.

30. Your OTP gets to pick out each other’s outfits; what is each wearing?

Garrett x Anders

I have a thing for my babies wearing each other's clothes, but also Anders would love seeing Garrett in his coat. Garrett would do the blood swipe on Anders. Garrett would probably get Anders kitty pyjamas if that was a thing in Thedas.

42. What’s their favorite type of weather to enjoy together? (getting snowed in together, watching thunderstorms, etc.)

otp: heroes of ferelden (nayima x alistair x leliana)

They aren't all together for very often, and never for long, so I think taking the time to just chill and enjoy something like this is like... rare for them. But maybe there was a stormy day once, when both Alistair and Leliana were in Amaranthine. The three of them cosy up in the Warden-Commander's chambers and they reminisce about the Blight, and how wet and muddy and cold it got. They all heap into a big cuddle pile in front of a fire, and despite the troubles plaguing their relationship (the constant separation, but also all the other angsty drama), despite all the unfinished stuff and things left unsaid (or very much said that still hurts them), they get to just... relax. and appreciate being alive and together. Their relationship was a lot less complicated during the Blight, and things are Real now, but in some ways it is much easier now than it was then. Maybe just relaxing together and cuddling and joking about the Blight reminds them of how much they love each other - how much they want to keep trying to stay together, despite their various problems. Maybe once they're apart again, or things between them get hard again, a stormy day comes along, and even far away from each other, they all smile a little. It's hard. But it's worth it.

[bella-but-not-hadid444]

i cant wait for the day when my period stops and my organs shut down and i’m severely underweight and i collapse every time i stand up and then i die.

[cydonian-mystery]

Summary of my December sofar:

My health seems to slowly be recovering; I've gotten past a months-long "flareup" and now have spoons/energy again. This means less time sitting down and more time trying to do things.

I come up with the idea that I could drive semi trucks. Because it's something I could do with limited energy, requiring short periods of exertion which I can manage. And disabled truckers are a thing.

Get up the courage to get back my DL, with further plans to try and get a CDL after the first of the year and look into employment assistance.

Go to the DMV and get absolutely obliterated with bullshit fines to get back my DL. They take every dollar I have to my name, and I have to borrow $20 more.

My plans are dashed, my soul is crushed, and my wallet is emptied.

I want to die now.

[mothlm]

thinkin abt her (the sweet embrace of death)

[rystiel]

au where ford gets over himself when he gets to gravity falls and reaches out to stan sooner

stan thinks ford still doesn’t want him around and is gonna kick him out the moment he doesn’t need his help anymore ahaha. but like also they’re so sillayyyy

(plus a part 2)

[corpseprxnce]

Sometimes I'm so proud of myself for the progress I've made and sometimes I want to bash my skull in with a hammer.

[eb0ycrimez]

There's an alternate timeline where I die as a child (hyperfixation) and sometimes I think that timeline would be better, then I remember my fiance.

[sunlit-mess]

[dkniade]

(I’m okay and I’m not upset! Just amused and curious)

Warning: (rejecting) intrusive thought of death wish, trauma symptom

Intrusive Thought: “I should’ve died that night! Why am I alive?!”

Me: HEY! STOP IT. It’s good that you’re alive, isn’t it? / Saying that goes against all that you’ve done that night to keep yourself alive, huh?

And then I felt a sliver of anger for having that first thought. I calmed immediately after though.

But hey, it makes sense why I’m feeling this way.

“…what is this Kaeya-or-Dorian-level intrusive thought HAHA (what the fuck)”

[ezras-channel-rat]

And right on schedule...I'm spiraling hard and fast into my ideation and all that despair. To the point I'm seriously considering canceling what I had planned for the premiere of The Last of Us. And all the motivation I had to get stories going and to clean my apt this weekend.

Just...nevermind. I'm just going to sink back into the rut I was in when I was AWOL. It's the only constant.

[onyv]

✔️DESIGN THINKING///////////WEEK11 ///////////DESIGN AS IDEATION

Идеите възникват по време на вашия процес. Подходящи идеи могат да възникнат само чрез проучване. Трябва да се разбере необходимостта от структуриране на идейния процес.

Да се проведе мозъчна атака с групата и дасе актуализира стената в Trello.

Въпреки че вече сте създали, събрали и обсъдили много идеи по време на процеса, което е точно това, което трябва да се направи, добре е да отделите време, за да получите общ преглед на вашата информация, да се отдръпнете и да създадете много идеи заедно с вашите група. Ще проведете мозъчна атака с вашата група, като следвате някои насоки за мозъчна атака. Най-важното е, че по време на мозъчна атака няма да съдите или критикувате идеите на другия. Първо идея, после р��дактиране! Препоръчителните стъпки за мозъчна атака са: 1) Отложете преценката. 2) Насърчавайте дивите идеи 3) Надграждайте идеите на другите, тоест ценете идеите на другите. 4) Останете фокусирани върху темата. Забавно е да се говори и е добре да се увлечете от него, но просто се опитайте да насочите дискусията, за да останете по темата. 5) Разговор по един. Това е доста важно, за да можете да следите и да записвате какво е обсъждано! 6) Бъдете визуални. Ако можете, скицирайте и намерете изображения, които да подкрепят и помогнат на вашите идеи. 7) Заложете на количеството. В мозъчна атака от няколко часа трябва лесно да генерирате минимум 20 идеи. Вашата задача е да обмислите много идеи. Направете сесия за мозъчна атака от няколко часа с вашата група и качете идеите на стената си в Trello.

///////////

Мозъчната атака е чудесен начин за генериране на страхотни идеи, които могат да ви помогнат да създадете страхотна презентация. Така че не забравяйте да следвате тези полезни съвети, предоставени с любезното съдействие на SlideGenius.

(!) Activity: Do a brainstorming session

Опитайте се да проведете мозъчна атака от няколко часа с вашата група, ако е възможно. Може да искате да използвате инструмент за съвместна мисловна карта (напр. XMind, Mindmeister). Качете идеите на стената си в Trello.

STEP ONE : 9 min.free writing ideations

STEP TWO : Mindmapping

STEP THREE : Outlining

..and all .. on Trello wall

[notaplaceofhonour]

it’s october 7th. you hear about the attack by seeing people you followed glorifying the terrorist attack—a massacre, a pogrom—as victory & justified resistance, glorifying a terrorist group that was founded with the explicit intent to kill your entire people

you make a post in which you make it clear you support palestinians and oppose the ways israel has wronged them, explaining that the terrorist group is still not good. you know you will probably get some flacc from the pro-Hamas side, but naively underestimate how much.

you get thousands of notifications on that one post, the majority of them hateful comments.

some of the response is positive. multiple messages thank you for the post, expressing bafflement that it’s controversial.

a few Israelis are upset at the loaded language in your post, but explain their problems with it civilly. you called Israel “apartheid”. they ask you what apartheid laws Israel has. you admit you honestly don’t know.

your inbox is flooded with anonymous hate from anti-Israel leftists.

over the course of a few weeks you have received hundreds of death threats, a dozen rape threats. people accuse you of being pro-genocide. you’re a literal Nazi. you’re racist, you thirst for the blood of Palestinians. you’re brainwashed by propaganda, a shill for The Zionist Entity. a few of the hate messages are from literal Neo-Nazis; the overwhelming majority are from leftists, many of them queer.

you are considering suicide.

you see footage of the october 7th attacks. you see footage of the bombings in gaza. you see footage of a Jewish man being murdered at an anti-Israel rally.

a popular creator you follow posts in support of an antisemitic hate group that masquerades as a Jewish organization. this organization regularly posts blood libel and other antisemitic rhetoric, works with groups that are even more explicitly antisemitic, including celebrating October 7th, holocaust inversion, blood libel, “Khazar theory” and others. more than one of the orgs they work with is pro-Putin.

your former roommate liked the post.

graffiti appears on a street you frequent that says “#freepalestine” and “end settler colonialism”

the boyfriend of the friend you spent most of the summer with makes his first post about the war. it’s a reposted comic that mocks and downplays the october 7th attack.

you doubt he’ll be receptive to criticism. he’s shared leftist memes about “monied elites” pulling all the strings and evangelicals being modern day “pharisees” in the past, and getting him to understand why that was antisemitic was like herding cats. you try anyway.

another of his Jewish friends also pushes back. he smugly dismisses her, tells her she’s falling for Zionist propaganda and uses several antisemitic tropes. you go off on him. he just deletes your comment.

you give up. you’re done. you block him.

you see anti-Israel posters and billboards around town

you mention what happened with the guy you went off on to his girlfriend—the friend you’ve grown very close to, who you’ve been listening to as she unburdens her fears for the future and complains about her bf’s BS over the last year. she doesn’t respond to you.

a friend of a friend shares posts tokenizing fringe groups that spread blood libel and have collaborated with holocaust deniers. you know they don’t know what you know, so you explain what those groups are. they seem somewhat receptive, apologize, and take it down

the next day they share several more posts that dip into antisemitic tropes. you mention this to your mutual friend, that you’re worried about them being radicalized. you’re not sure how receptive they’ll be to continued criticism

you have a confrontation with the foaf. in the meantime they’ve shared even more antisemitic posts. they say they didn’t mean to cause you distress but instead of stopping they effectively block you.

the “end settler colonialism” vandalism has been counter-vandalized with the words “commie propaganda” in place of “settler colonialism”. you don’t know if this is an improvement.

a month passes. the friend whose bf you went off on still hasn’t spoken to you. you see she shared a post defending an SJP chapter that posted Nazi cartoon caricatures of Jews repurposed in “Anti-Zionist” memes. you unfriend her on all social media platforms but you can’t bring yourself to block her number.

you see a friend of someone whose couch you surfed when you were homeless harassing Jewish celebrities with “Free Palestine” comments. you block them.

you’ve lost count of how many people you’ve unfollowed or blocked, or who’ve blocked you. friends, content creators.

when a friend takes an unusually long time to respond you worry if it’s because of your posts about antisemitism.

most of the podcasts, youtube channels, and other content creators you regularly engaged with no longer feel safe. you wonder who will be next

a couple friends wish you a happy hanukkah. you don’t celebrate much aside from lighting the hanukkiah and making some latkes.

you see posts about a destroyed chabad menorah, antisemitic comments on Jewish celebrities’ Hanukkah posts.

your neighborhood is covered in pro-Palestine & anti-Israel posters. some are seemingly innocuous, some are JVP “not in our name” posters. some call for intifada. “globalize the intifada” “Zionists fuck off!” “solidarity means attack!”

a man kills himself shouting “free palestine”. you learn about his suicide by seeing posts from several popular accounts you followed glorifying it.

you follow a bunch of jewish accounts on social media and commiserate with them about everything happening

your jewish friends post screenshots of the dead man’s antisemitic, pro-Hamas views. you look at his reddit and find even more horrific shit: anti-Ukraine posts. mocking Zelensky. “elites” are “lizard people”; the only named individual he calls a lizard person is Jewish. you start to notice a pattern: a lot of the people he dislikes just so happen to be jews.

several people you know share a post glorifying this man’s suicide. most are acquaintances, one is someone incredibly important to you.

you wonder how they would respond to your suicide.

you tell the close friend that shared this post how it scares you. you show them the receipts of the man’s antisemitism. their response is a single sentence. they didn’t know about the antisemitism.

they don’t apologize.

you notice none of your irl friends, even your closest ones, interact with your posts about antisemitism. you are able to vent to a couple friends, but no one has reach out to you

you try not to read into it. you try not to take it personally.

you haven’t slept well in months. you’ve always been an insomniac but not like this. you’re not sleeping until 4am, 6am, even 9am. even when you get to bed at a decent hour and get a full night’s rest it takes you hours to get out of bed.

a few weeks go by. the friend with the single sentence response shares a post saying they’re excited and proud to join a group to help palestinians. you’re excited and proud for them.

a couple days later, they share a post about a fundraiser to help a palestinian family get out of gaza. you note to yourself this is a much more effective & less concerning form of activism than the pro-suicidal antisemite post.

your friend shares another post about the fundraiser. it’s a joint post between their group and another group.

you open the other group’s page

the page is just a wall of signs from rallies. you swipe through one after another: “from the river to the sea”, “by any means necessary”, justifying/denying the atrocities of october 7th, calling for violent revolution. anything done in the name of resistance can’t be terrorism, all Israelis are terrorists. Jews aren’t indigenous; they’re white colonizers. holocaust inversion. other vile, thinly veiled violent rhetoric

you feel sick to your stomach imagining talking to your friend about it.

you already feel like you’re burdening the few friends you can talk to about this. you already feel like you think about it too much, talk about it too much. but you can’t not think about it; it affects every aspect of your life.

you’ve filtered out relevant keywords on more than one social media site to avoid the worst of it. some still manages to leak through.

there isn’t a single friend you regularly interact with that you don’t fear the moment when they will switch from listening to your concerns to seeing you as the evil zionist or indoctrinated hasbaranik they’ve been warned about.

it’s not an irrational fear. it keeps happening. you knew it would then, and you were powerless to do anything about it before, and you continue to be as it happens again and again.

you don’t know what to do about any of it.

[notverycolonthreeofyou]

Never underestimate the power of love (and death threats)

[hardcoregayanalsegx]

"Why would you do that to yourself" I'm trying my best to soothe the pain, trying to cradle it so that maybe just maybe it will stop crying out