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unseisokel · 2 years ago

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Beginners Guide to Unnämed AKA U-san

Plus a little history on how they are friends with Shoto

Writing this incase any new Guildies come across my fics or fanart without Knowing.

I'll try to source things when possible, but some things are just left to quotes and summaries from U-san's twitter spaces other people made because they themselves don't keep the space up after each one ends.

Some Basic Background Information:

Unnämed, or more commonly called U-san, is a independent, nonbinary Japanese musician and vocalist, you can find their Twitter here

At the time of writing they have released one original song and 3 covers, find them on whatever music service you use through their Tunecore

They hold YouTube streams after the release of every song, typically giving life updates, singing karaoke, and thanking people who support them through super chats or streamlab donations

They sporadically hold random twitter spaces for shorter life updates or just to rant about something, as of writing they never once keep the recordings for these spaces

They had their first stream on December 17, 2022. It was an unarchived acoustic karaoke stream, roughly an hour long, mostly One OK Rock songs, their favorite band.

A Little History:

They would host several twitter spaces in the time leading up their full "return." Artist @/ooukination on twitter has a neat little comic summarizing that time period.

February 5th 2023, they drop their first original song, simply named Summer Song, marking an end to their elusive and silent era, now being more active on Twitter, and not deleting tweets a few minutes after making them.

The Fans and the Fan Culture

We used the nickname U-san to refer to them in the time before they acknowledged it, because they still hadn't decided on a name for themselves, only having "unnamednow" as a twitter handle, so it was a bit of a place holder, but on a twitter space U-san expressed that they found the name cute, and so U-san has endured.

In absence of any word of a return or any real way to reach them, the #dear_u_san was created by fans on twitter wanting to send their words of encouragement and fanart.

Pre-Summer Song depictions of U-san only had their YouTube and Twitter icon to go off of, they overlapped to give us this:

Half of a face and a hand reaching hold out a blue flame. Fanartists of the time would either obscure their top half their face with long bangs, exaggerated shadows covering their eyes, or a cloth/paper over the face (to symbolize their "death" as it were)

U-san has two main variations of how they depict themselves in their MV's, a blue eyed, black haired individual we see in Summer song, and a version with white hair with yellow eyes featured in Shinunoga E-wa, later taking up the entirety of the Tot Musica screentime, and now both of them sharing the spotlight in the most recent release, Kickback.

Before the release of Summer song all we had was U-sans twitter icon which started off with no color but was updated to include some colors, their hair staying white.

The pre Summer Song fanart had almost always had white hair as a result.

But afterwards when we got the "true" U-san appearance with Summer Song, fans were left questioning the significance of this white haired icon that U-san notably kept even when they updated their twitter header to the new Kanishiima illustration. It wouldn't be until Shinunoga E-wa that they changed their icon- using the one shot out of four with their white hair. This pattern of having a white haired icon and the black haired banner keeping true even now.

To draw a distinction between the two, Ooukie proposed the nicknames U-Shiro and U-Kuro, sometimes shortened to just Shiro and Kuro by other u-rei's.

The blue flame was on their original icon(s) was adopted by fans as a sort of mascot, Ooukie to my knowledge being the first to do so here

With nothing but an empty space and a crumb of a self portrait, U-reis started brainstorming (more like trying to make a universe to subsequently justify in universe) why they were absent and illusive, ex. Here, again from Oouki

We kind of didn't have any kind of consensus on a fan name until Ooukie again, supplied us with U-rei, which quickly spread, eventually making its way to U-san acknowledging it on stream, giving their approval on stream

Outside of the usual U-rei depiction of a small blue flame guy, others began to make 'sonas/ oc's to play around with the loose idea of U-san as a character and a type of world they would reside in, which lead to the twitter hashtag #u_rei_sona

U-rei-sona's typically are spirits, mythical beings, ghosts, and any manner of being that can be connected to the idea of death and rebirth, which is what U-san went through sort of in a meta narrative kind of way

He was among the many viewers of U-sans first livestream, the unarchieved karaoke, vague tweeting his thoughts on his main and alt accounts

Shoto and U-san's History

Later during his subathon happening a few days after U-san's stream, he dedicated a song a friend he didn't explicitly name but was certainly alluding to U-san by the way he described this friend and how this song and band was one of their favorites. See full clip here

That was it for a while until Summer Song released, and we (the public) saw them both interacting, sharing their similar struggles with broken eye glasses, their choice in earrings and plenty of private interactions I'm sure, that we aren't privy to

Shoto would invite U-san to accompany him on his Dead Space Remake streams which as of writing of this post, there are two that U-san features in (here and here)

During a bathroom break on the first stream, U-san tells us that he's thankful for Shoto, because they didn't have a lot of people to interact with, watch the full clip

Then finally, recently they met irl during Shoto's vacation to Japan, where they lost an hour of their time to Tokyo station confusion, U-san talks about the experience in their KickBack after party stream and I'm sure Shoto will tell his half of the story when he goes to stream to talk about his vacation

We knew they had met before U-san told the tale on stream because both made voice tweets only a few hours before U-san's Kickback cover was due to release.

.....and that's about it yeah! This is just a starter guide, I didn't even get into the theories surrounding U-san's music vids the possible lore implications if they're all connected, how U-san dodges questions about their hair color changing and the imagery of drowning they used-

There's a lot to be had here, and U-san's career is just getting started! They have told us time and time again that our donations and support are going directly to fund future projects, so there are surely more great things in store for us.

If you have read this far uhhh thank you? If you found this helpful be sure to share it to spread the U-san agenda.

#unnämed #u san #dear u san #vtubers #shxtou #shoto vtuber #indie music #en vtuber

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whatevermywpis · 1 year ago

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art by @Kanishiima

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: Fluff

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬: Unnämed.

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: fluff.

𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐞: On.

𝐓𝐲𝐩𝐞: Oneshot.

𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐬: They/Them.

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: No matter what know that you're loved, so don't cry on sad days darling 🫶.

𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐎O𝐂 𝐔𝐧𝐧ä𝐦𝐞𝐝, suicidal thoughts, suicide, lots of depression mentioned.

You smell the freezing air of your still bedroom, there's a strange feeling about today. You felt pretty tired for someone normal so "happy", drained to say the least. But it's not like you haven't face this type of tiredness before, every time you wake up and wash your face in the sink, every time you stared out of your window and hear people laughing, every time you question your parents arguements.

Was it because of you? Did you do something wrong? Why does it feel like your being attacked like this? When in reality there's nothing wrong, nothing's wrong, it's just you lying on the bedroom floor with no recollection of the night before.

You stood up and made your bed, it wasn't hard since you barely slept on it. You checked the clock on your desk, it was only 5:30 in the early morning, it felt like an eternity had passed with you and you alone in your little world.

Your parents weren't around, you moved away from them due to complications but the reason was because you felt like a big burden, somehow every time you talk to them a scowl is present, every time you went on about your day they're ignorant to you, how bothersome of you.

'What about your siblings? Surely they love you, right?' If only you could have such thoughts, maybe you wouldn't have to feel so lonely and broken everyday. You're hated by your own immediate family, what makes you think other people care for you? What do others see in you? What do those friends think of you? Ẃ̸̙̻̗͙̥̠̠h̵̰̠͉̰͉͔̲̊͋́͂̑͘à̴͍͚̈́̀͑̽̐͘ṫ̵̠̯̮̊̏̏̊ ̴̲̹̞͌̋d̴̢̧̞̹̼̜̈́̍ö̸̮́̈́͋̕ ̶͓̽̽̉̉̿̍̔̑̆͝y̵̳̫̲̜̦̑̄̄̒̓͗̽͜͜o̵̳͇̓̈́̿̓̀̌͐͌u̵̧̨̜̠̫͍͓͉͐̓̀̈́͆̍̈́̾͠ ̶̧̛͔̮̻̙̟̩̜̈́ͅt̵̛̛̺̲̘̪̾̅͋̓͐̽͒ḫ̷͙̣̗͙̼̉͋̉̀̏̈́͂͘̚i̵̥̼͍̙̇n̶̖̯̜̖͚̩̪͙̈̈́̿ķ̵͖̙̲̫̘̘͋ ̴̨͈̪̳̦͉̗͕̈́̏o̷̩̒̕f̵̛̥̳̺͓̀̓̀̔ ̷̠̩̕ÿ̸̡͎̘̗͉̰̫͉̼́̔̆̽o̷̥̮̩̳̠̿̓̑͐̕u̴̯͕̱̱̹͊̓̎̽̓̏̃͐̆͝r̵̤̓̈́s̸̨͍͚̘̥̭̳̣̾̀͐̽̉̓͜ẻ̷̢̮̞̾̚ḻ̵̨͇̭͈̹͎̙̇́f̴̤̣͍̈́̽̋̂̇̾̕͝͠?̶̢̛̠̳̭͚͇̉́̇̌͑̌̈̚͝

You don't know, you don't know, you don't wanna think about it anymore, anymore of this thinking and you'll start crying again. There's really no reason for you to feel happy lately, why should you be happy? When you're just a waste of space. The world wouldn't know of your disappearance so why bother venting to people?

You sat on your bed pathetically thinking of your little existence that you failed to notice the sun had already rose. Soft sunlight peaked through your blinds, seems like another day has come.

You prepared yourself for another day of school, another day of you learning things that will end up laying to waste, why learn if you're never going to use it in your life. There's such a strange controversy within you, one part of you feels like staying at home and laying to waste but another part of you feels like then you're gonna waste the money your parents send each month for you to study.

The walk to school was... busy to say the least, you lived near the school anyways so it made sense that you walked their from your little rented apartment, however it seemed like you're alone again. People continuously walked as you had nothing better to do than to stare at the passing people, life felt a little too boring for now.

You made it on time, it looks like someone died due to an accident, people looked so sorrowful, it seems like people only care about you when you die. The air matched your expression so there was no doubt you matched the crowd, minus the screaming and crying from the parents when they went and retrieve the student's belongings.

You wonder, if you knew of that student dying beforehand, would you have replaced them and took the blow instead? Maybe you could have saved them if you were there, maybe it should have been you who should have died that day.

It's useless thinking about that though, what use is of thinking of someone else's death and then saying that it should have been you instead? What's done can't be reversed, everyone would die eventually it's just a matter of time.

What's wrong with it though? What's wrong with wanting someone to live happily even if it meant you've never met them before. You rather live in a life filled with joy along with hardship, rather than a lonely one with comfort, you can't do anything right, can you?

'Where are you right now?' How tiring was it to reach out to people and make their days better, but putting a smile on their face somehow makes you feel valued and loved as someone at least, nobody needs to know how you're feeling, it should be all about them sometimes.

'Are you okay?' Sometimes you wished someone took the time to ask you these types of questions, but no one will, because if you act like you have a problem they'll call you an attention seeker, but if you don't show it they'll never know and would excuse saying that you seemed like there's nothing wrong.

'Please talk to me' when was the last time someone said that to you? Days? Months? Years? Nobody will ever reach out to you, so you'll have to be the one reaching out to them, if they're having a bad day you'll talk to them and cherish them. Because it's the only way you'll feel like someone cares about you.

'It hurts but you'll be alright, I'll be here to heal your wounds each time' you miss the people who were once like this to you, people who loved you and cared for you. But now everyone's too busy with life, you're also busy just getting yourself out of bed and trying not to cry.

'I'm here' you hate your existence, you're a waste of something space, talentless, no one would notice you're gone. Yet somehow you always hoped there was someone who was there to comfort you and give you the love and confirmation you needed.

Your days ended with the midnight skies once more littered with stars, it's pretty, unlike you and people actually love it more than you. On nights like these you feel a bit comforted, like someone is there for you, someone who's there to tell you it's okay to feel like a piece of trash sometimes but to know that you aren't one.

On the balcony your view of the city was breath taking, somehow you hear someone's laughter of joy from miles away, you hear a mother singing to her child and calling them her everything, you hear someone talking to their siblings and having fun, and with each one of those voices you felt even more pathetic, maybe once upon a time you would have been loved exactly like that, but not now.

You took your shoes of and sat down near the railing, it's so beautiful up there you almost feel guilty for witnessing such a beautiful scene, it wasn't particularly cold either. You laughed at the thought of someone crying over your death, who would do so? Your parents? Maybe but at the same time they'll be embarrassed at the fact they have such a fragile child. Your siblings could be a good choice, but knowing them you know they'll never care even if it was your last meeting. Your friends would cry, the ones you consider your family might, but you know they'll move on quickly due to how fast paste life is.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" You turned around as someone stood there, a bit further away from you.

You smiled thinking that at least there was someone who noticed your presence, so you jumped.

"You're god damn crazy if you think I'm gonna let you die in front of me." You felt someone holding onto your hand and the collar of your shirt. "Too crazy!"

"..." your eyes met with the stranger's deep blue ones, you can't seem to understand what they are thinking about.

"Jeez, you're either really clumsy or just outright crazy trying to die in front of someone." Somehow they managed to pull you to safety, however you don't think you're really that terrified of death anyways.

"..." you sat on the ground staring a far, you're probably gonna get scolded for trying to commit suicide.

"Aren't you gonna say anything?" What should you say? 'Sorry I tried to jump it'll happen again?' You don't know, what should you say?

You sat there like a helpless and broken child, are you expecting that they comfort you? What a delusional person you are, you stood up and picked up your shoes trying to leave, however that stranger isn't letting you go just yet.

"Don't you think it's kinda rude leaving your savior?" You felt their eyes peering down at you, how uncomfortable.

"Please stop talking... I really don't wanna hear others right now." You don't like it, you really don't like it, please stop making you feel bad for yourself. "Why did you save me? It's rude to save people who don't wanna be saved you know?"

"... learn to cherish life... I guess you must have been through lots of things to resort to this?" You're not sure, maybe you really are just a dramatic child? "Whatever it is I still think that death isn't really the right answer."

"If it wasn't the answer then why do so many people do it? Why do so many look for it if they knew that?"

"That's the difference between most people and you, you're clearly too immature."

"Maybe you should go and save someone else then"

"I won't, because I have to help you first."

Yesterday's memory stuck to your head, and somehow here you are sitting next to an 'angel' on your bed. Somehow you were saved by them, they weren't supposed to be able to touch you however.

'If you can see the dead or things that aren't meant to be seen despite being alive, that means you're closer to death than you think.' Someone you knew once told you this when you were younger, and so you brushed it off thinking of it as another ploy to scare you. Turns out it was true after all, or was it?

"How do I know if you're not some creepy stalker who follows me around? Because I really don't believe in god you know." The stranger only shrug their shoulder, they somehow managed to convince you to bring them back to your home.

"If you don't believe in what I am that's alright, but believe me when I say that I'm here for you." You don't want to believe them, such a person feels like a con artist, yet somehow you believed them anyway.

You didn't have school for the day so you decided to make a small plan of staying at home, like an introvert. The stranger however looked like they had other plans for you.

"Are you gonna just sit at home all day?" You look up from your phone to see their judgmental face, isn't that a familiar face.

"I don't really have any hobbies or friends, what are you expecting?" For some reason just after you said that they grinned looking like they just came up with a plan. "No-"

"What?"

"No I am not making friends-" but before you could say anything they pulled you out of the comfort of your bed, it was time you woke up either ways.

"We don't have to make friends, but maybe try to help you find a good hobby." That's what they all say.

For some reason you found yourself and the stranger at an familiar beach after taking a train, the weather was quite gloomy with few people actually being there. The sky was gonna rain soon, winds started rising as people packed their stuff, leaving you to stare at the endless sea and dark clouds.

"So what do you think of this place?" Rain poured heavily, however you were fine, because the stranger was holding an umbrella and sheltering you.

"...Good I think." It's been a little too long since you last saw the ocean in it's beautiful glory.

"Come on, let's go pick up some sea shells, it'll be fun." For some reason you can't help but listen to their voice.

Perhaps it was because you didn't pay attention to what they said, because the next thing you knew was that you were drenched in the rain stunned, adding salt to the injury it started to rain even harder than before. You panicked after settling the fact you were drenched in the rain and it was now super cold, but the stranger didn't seem to mind the cold rain at all, white hair wet under the cloudy skies, golden eyes shimmering as they searched for the sea shells.

'This was stupid' and it was in your perspective, after all who would just go out in the rain like this for some sea shells? Yet somehow you did it anyways, you dragged your feet across the sand to feel if there were any sea shells beneath the cold and wet sand.

You both slowly treated it as a competition, whoever found the most sea shells win sort of thing, you were surprisingly into it and started fighting for the winning spot. You both went all and beyond, throwing sand at each other, pushing each other into the sea..., you didn't really think you'd be that energetic in awhile.

"Isn't this better than sulking inside a room all day?" You lie on the cold sand, water all over you, you don't really feel better but it did help you run around more.

"No" you don't wanna admit the fun sometimes, why is that?

"One day, I know you'll admit it one day." The rain parted slowly, somehow you felt jealous of people like the stranger.

Under blue sky you found yourself enjoying a sandwich with the black hair stranger, it was noon by then. You still hated going outside, it was really unbearable to do so if you don't really have much of a choice.

"Stop looking so tense~ I heard beaches were a thing you liked right?" You don't know where they got that information.

"It was... a really long time ago, you're a really creepy stalker." They looked offended and gasp like how a mother who's kid just said they like their dad more.

"I am not a creepy-" "plus how long are you even gonna stay with me." You think it'll be fun to tease them till they leave.

"I'll be here for you til you don't see me anymore." You brushed it off as them saying stupid things again.

You lack the energy to get up in the morning, but your new roommate had plenty of it to yank you out of bed each morning. Yup, they moved in with you, you later learnt that they didn't really have a name and was called Unnämed by many people, most of them just call them U-San though.

How they convinced you it was a good idea to let them move in with you? You don't know, that part of your memory seems to have stopped existing. It wasn't all that bad living with a complete stranger, they just lighten up the place by a bit.

What happened to the shells from the beach? You kept them, they make nice gifts if you ever happen to have guest over.

"Don't you have school today?" U-San asked making you an egg sandwich.

"Yeah, but I'm not too worried, it's still early if you look at the clock." They woke you up an hour earlier than your school time so you aren't too worried.

"Guess that's my fault then" you didn't mind the fact you woke up earlier than usual, it just means you can see the city from the balcony before going to school.

You brought the dirty dishes to the sink before leaving to go on the cold rooftop, it's really cold and pretty in the early morning. There's only the sound of cars from afar, your heart beating and the rising sun.

"Hey isn't this where we first met?" You stumbled for a bit before turning back to see them, you swore you could have fallen of the railing if that happened again.

"Mhm... it's pretty nice up here." You felt a hug from behind you, normally you would have shouted for them to get off, but for some reason you couldn't bring yourself to do so.

"...If you want we could spend time here until you go to school" sinking into their warmth you don't seem to feel cold anymore.

"You're just trying to prevent me from jumping" you're blabbering nonsense again.

"Is it bad to want to protect someone?" You shook your head but..

"It's cruel to save someone who doesn't want to be saved."

A few minutes later you found yourself walking to school with a small bento box you never knew you had, it's okay you were tired of buying convenient store food anyways. For some reason, you didn't feel so sad today...

Life seemingly moved on with other people, the weather was bright and it was like no tragedy ever happened... people were so quick to heal from trauma and pain huh? Your day also passed on the same with the quick paced life.

You didn't have many friends, it's not like you were intending to make friends with anyone either ways, people are annoying.

'Stop gossiping..' already you can hear them from miles away, how do they have the energy to be like that? Being happy isn't the only answer to those smiles...

"𝙷𝚘𝚠 𝚛 𝚞𝚞𝚞𝚞?" You received a message from an unknown number... except you knew who this was immediately.

"𝚂𝚒𝚗𝚌𝚎 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚍𝚒𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚖𝚢 𝚗𝚞𝚖𝚋𝚎𝚛?" You wanted to play things off as you being fine.

"𝙽𝚘𝚝 𝚒𝚖𝚙𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚊𝚗𝚝, 𝚋𝚞𝚝 𝚑𝚘𝚙𝚎𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕�� 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚔𝚊𝚢 𝚊𝚝 𝚜𝚌𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚕 𝚛𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚗𝚘𝚠." You scoffed before knowing it, you were grinning like an idiot, you're happy for receiving a text message?

"𝙸𝚏 𝚒𝚝'𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝙸'𝚖 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚒𝚗𝚎 𝚍𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐, 𝚌𝚕𝚊𝚜𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚛𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚜𝚘 𝚜𝚎𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚛"

"🫶" maybe you don't hate going to school so much anymore.

"No snacks til after lunch!!" You were caught reaching for the snack drawer while U-San was distracted with a problem you caused. "Hey get back here!!"

"You'll never catch me alive!" You started running with the snacks in your hands.

It had been a while since you first met them, your mood really improved in a couple of months huh? Ah you don't understand how all these mental things work either way, maybe just go with the flow of life?

You hated the fact you're smiling so much these days that your face hurts, you don't like the fact people point out how cheerful you look lately, you hated it. But it's alright, at least now you don't hate yourself as much anymore.

That stranger... no your friend, the person who suddenly waltz into your life and made everything seemed a little brighter, was someone you wanted to protect so badly. You liked it when they would make you lunch to bring to school, you liked it when they would try to get you to do random things with them, you liked them.

"Give them back" you turned away looking in the opposite direction, you hid the stack of sweets in your closet.

"I have no idea what you're talk about" you let your guard down though, they tackled you to the ground before tickling you to make you tell them where the snacks were.

"Give it up before it gets worse~" panting in between breath you only smirked before attacking them in their weak spot.

Yeah somehow you ended being closer than ever, how confusing, it's too confusing, what's going on here? One moment you two don't even know each other now you're both acting like you've known each other for ages.

"(Y/n), you're not sad anymore, right?" How should you answer this one?

"Why'd you ask?" Your head on their shoulder while you both played games, you gotten so close haven't you?

"It's nothing... I'm just really glad you looked so much brighter and happier." But not without them for some reason, you liked staying like this for a while longer.

If they asked you would you trade your current life for a happier life? You'd asking them for the catch, because there's no way such an offer would exist if it doesn't have a condition. They knew that, they knew that if they left you'd return beck to your old self, the you who can't smile like now.

The angel who wanted to protect their human, the angel who wasn't supposed to even be there in the first place, they came for you and they'll leave for you.

"I'm sorry.."moonlight peaked through the blinds into your bedroom, you looked so peaceful right now.. "I'm sorry for doing this."

So while you were asleep they held you for the last time in their arms, you won't even remember a single thing, not a single indication that someone once came into your life before.

While it breaks their heart to leave you, they have to go, they could only stay here for such a short time after all. Nothing last forever others said, all things must come to an end, but they know you'll live like anyone else, you're strong and happy now and they want you to be so even after they're gone.

'I love you' was their biggest lie no matter how true it was, it was still a lie from them to you.

'I'll always be there for you' can they even face you anymore with how much they've tricked you?

"I'm sorry"

The past few months have been... a blur to you. You don't seem to remember what happened but something felt a little off, you just can't seem to put your finger on it though?

You felt more energized than you were before, and for some reason you liked going out more, maybe it's to have fun? No maybe it wasn't that, because for some reason you're feeling a little too lonely for comfort.

Getting out of your bed you notice something different about you, it's that you don't feel as pathetic as before. Maybe whatever happened within those months was probably a really good thing, which somehow made you smile a bit hoping for something.

Your small little home with just you and your books, your imperfect life doesn't seem that bad to live in anymore, like as if it was fixed. You got ready and left for another new school year, nothing really changed much as it was in your memory.

And for a while you lived quiet peacefully, there was nothing bad happening for a long while but things got bored really quick. So you started to look for something to do, an old hobby in which you picked up.

Things got dark real fast.

Somehow when you picked up that hobby again you got worried, what would people think of you? What would happen if someone found out you did this? Is it okay to let people know? Or do they already know?

Nonetheless you continued to do what you loved, it was like that at first wasn't it? You always thought your passion would be repaid if you kept on going and did what you loved, that eventually you'd be fine showing what you love to the world.

However things got worse, the more you showed the world the more they demanded, the more you tried to do the more you drain yourself. Slowly but surely you're drowning in hate again when you tried to stop, you liked to please people a little too much, didn't you?

Wasn't that why you hated yourself in the first place? The reason why you looked for advice and comfort from those you call close and yet very few answered that call. It hurts to realize that most people won't even hear your words, doesn't it? Your values are measured by how well you did it, by how well you perfected and how you positioned yourself.

You grew to hate the loneliness that surrounded you, yet you're scared of talking to people, it's ironic isn't it? You had to learn to get used to this loneliness or talk to people.

"Ah I'm sorry" was always what they say when you tried picking up a conversation, there goes your confidence in wanting to make friends, it was easier talking to people online.

"You make it easy for people to ignore you" there no point in looking like a clown if people don't like you, you'll just get hate for it.

"You gotta stand up for yourself sometimes" and others say that with such a straight face, can't those people live in your shoes for once and see how much you hate your life? At this point you're grateful for having so many people remind you that you're a mistake sometimes.

So then you close your eyes and let the world swallow you a whole, a good night's sleep suddenly became such a rare thing for you.

In a distant world from the one you knew, somehow things felt a lot calmer than you expected... it's such a beautiful dream for a sinner all of a sudden. You liked it here where there's no one else but you, maybe this is heaven for someone like you who wants to spend their days reflecting on what they did wrong.

It wasn't some white or black void, a small flower field which isolated you from the annoying world you came from, you want to stay here forever.

"You're not supposed to be here" you thought you were alone... apparently you weren't as someone you couldn't see clearly spoke up.

You kept your distant from them, the stranger carrying an umbrella, do you happen to know them somehow? White coat with a small key on their necklace, they don't look like someone who belongs here either..

However there's so much one can do in a dream, before you could even open your mouth and say something you woke up once more and greeted the morning skies... what a strange encounter.

What was that strange encounter? Guess you'll never know, dreams are something that's too expensive to even think of, you're never meeting that person anyways so might as well forget what happens.

Life should have continued on even without you, and it would for everyone else, so tired for some reason you closed those eyes once more. It's the weekends and you don't have any plans anyways, might as well get some rest.

"You're so strange... we're you always this weak in life?" You're in a dream again... this doesn't feel so bad, if it weren't for the fact you're being bridal carried by the stranger from before. "You couldn't even speak before fainting huh?"

"Somehow this makes me wanna protect you, as if you were my everything" how sappy... you'd rather read romance novels than be here.

Dreams are weird... people are weird... you don't like the fact you're meeting people in your dreams. Especially the type that loves you for no apparent reason, they're definitely a figment of your imagination.

Have you gone crazy for being isolated from the world? You don't wanna admit it, please don't make you admit the fact you've grown to become sad and lonelier than ever.

You hate the fact you can't even talk to others without looking like you're gonna be crying for another long time, there's almost no one else but you in this lonely place you called home.

"Did you know you cry in your sleep?" Ah you feel asleep again... you could feel them drying the tear stains off your face.

"You don't talk much, but that's alright. There's so much you do even without needing to say a thing." You don't get it though, what have you done so far in your dreams?

Slowly you found yourself falling in love Å̵̟̭̹̫̌̊́̾̆̌̈́g̷͚͖̅͒̈͋̿̆̐͝å̴̧̼̫͍͕͎̩̪̽̂͠͠͝͝ī̵̧̖̻̺͚͔̱̋͋̇͊̐̓̉͘n̸̢̛̼͎̳̗̠̰̪̊͂̆̒̉̿͐͗͘?̵̨͕͉̲̯̹̮̬̘̣́̅́͌͌̊́̌͐?̸̛̯̺̥͕͂͌́̔̃̚͝ͅ?̸̮̫̂̍̊̉̽̏̑̀̈́ this is bad... really bad... it's not bad if you fall in love with real people, but really a dream?

But why do you wanna stop waking up? If it's so bad then why do you just wanna stay with them in that dream and never wake up? Even a dream is better than living in a world filled with pain, your tempted to stay there..

So of course you became the idiot and tried to extend your time in those dreams... you tried taking more pills, you tried to fall back asleep every time you wake up, you reminded yourself each time certain things could bring you back to reality...

"I love you~" stop saying that, stop saying words that don't mean a thing...

"I don't wanna see you cry." Stop making it harder for yourself to want to wake up sometimes.

"I'll be here for you." Stop hoping for a tomorrow that will never happen.

You often mindlessly look out the window after most of these dreams, what do they represent? They can't just keep showing up like this... but at the same time that's what you're afraid of, what if that world someday disappears? The one that some how made you smile for a while before crying again?

Your addicted to this painful feeling, this feeling in which you swore you've never felt before, it's as if you were in love before. But it was only you before... who else could have come before? You don't remember having anyone close to you.

You don't remember when you collected those seashells which laid and had dust gradually built up, you don't remember being so many snacks before, you don't remember playing video games with anyone. So how come whenever you look at those thing you get a weird sense of nostalgia?

"I love you" words which came so surprisingly out of your mouth, and they heard it too.

"I love you too" yet somehow they looked so sad when you said it, today's dream was a little different than usual...

"Thanks for being here with me.." and just as your eyes closed once more... you saw their smile...

Ah... so that was the last time you saw that stranger... you could say that part of you was relieved that it had ended, but the other part of you... the other part of you knew that this pain was too much too bare either ways.

If you continued to stay quiet would the dreams have continued? If you didn't do anything but just stayed there could you have stayed forever? Even the most prettiest of things given you are broken of your own doing, how are you still alive until now? It just doesn't fit right with you.

So you'll admit it.. You're weak, you're a crybaby, you're lonely, you're a mistake, you're a painful reminder to people, many wished for your death, you acknowledge it all. You don't wanna live in your own lie anymore... but at this painful truth could you accept it?

Could you accept living a life that is a constant reminder of your failure as a person, you're failure as a child, and your failure to a friend? It was a real blessing to have lived so long huh?

Steadily from your bed, you began walking towards the rooftop... fond memories replayed in your head, you remember when you were once loved for your skills. You remember how for a time you could enjoy talking to people normally, you remember someone who probably didn't even existed.

The city covered in snow light up the night sky as always, such was the view you had every time you visited this rooftop, you almost want to continue living... such a hopeful scene for a hopeless person.

"Don't do something stupid.." you turned your head around to see a black haired stranger, it feels nostalgic to see them for some reason.

"Don't do something you might regret...? I know how it goes.." you sat down near the railing, might as well be here for a little longer... maybe you'll have some fond memories before going?

"If you knew how it would go... then why are you here?" Catching the falling snow, your hands tremble.

"Because I like it... I like to make some fond memories you know?" Your eyes wonder from the city view to their face, a cold look.

"You can talk to people if you're not feeling alright." If only you could have the confidence to come out like that... maybe this wouldn't be how you want to end things. "You don't wanna do this... do you?"

"I do... that's why I wanted to stop hoping for a tomorrow that might not exist." Feeling a sudden embrace from behind your back... you could feel something inside you burst.

"What's wrong with hoping for a tomorrow?" What's wrong with it? You don't know... but it doesn't feel right for you to do so.

"...How do you fix a world that's falling apart?" You felt them hugging you tighter, suddenly it becomes harder to breath... are you crying right now?

"You'll be alright... even if things aren't going so well right now..." stop it... stop saying these stuff, it's making you want to cry harder.

"Please just leave me alone!!"

"Darling why are you spacing out again?" You snapped out of your daydream and notice your food burning, you got distracted again...

"Sh-" "No swearing!" Three months later from the incident you got yourself a lover, shocking you know.

You're still really afraid, you're afraid of not seeing them again someday, however you don't think they will disappear... ah what are you thinking about? You sound like a big creep right now for just thinking about this.

Now how did you score such a wonderful person? You have no idea, like it's the same as your mystery of being alive. It was fast to say the least how you two got together, well neither of you initiated the thing but one day you both woke and just decided you two wanted to date.

"So clumsy... I guess I can't really do much." Bowing your head down in embarrassment, your burnt dinner was thrown away. "I know I'm not some master chef but maybe you shouldn't cook any more."

"It's not like it happens all the time, I was just distracted." You saw them raising a brow before shrugging it off.

"One more time and the kitchen is off limits to you." You sighed in relief before realizing you could get away with cooking duty, should you?

For some reason though you don't feel as sad and pathetic as before, yeah sure life still sucks but it doesn't put you in despair. You'd be lying if you said they didn't help you in your lowest moments...

"I gotta go, I'll see you later~" and just liked that they slowly disappear again, you're still sad every now and then whenever they're gone but... you're trying to learn how to cope with somethings.

You visited the rooftop again later that day, a lot happened to you lately... but you don't really mind it anymore. Every now and then though you somehow can't help but wonder what it feels like to just jump already... but then again...

"You don't understand it do you?" It was really sudden... you thought you had upset them to the point they were gonna leave, but they didn't.

"How about we put it like this?" They took your hands in their and got closer to your face. "Rather than all the money in the world... or even a happy ending, I want you."

Slowly stepping away from the edge of the building, you smiled at such a precious memory and left a flower.

Hai everyone Norie here, thanks for reading this immature vent story of mine. It means a lot to me if you enjoyed reading this.

If it wasn't obvious then I'll say it, U-San came to me at my darkest of moments and I'm quite thankful they did before I did something stupid, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate you who's reading this as well.

-from yours truly, 𝙽𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚎 ✍️

#u san #u san x reader #Unnämed #unnämed x reader #dear u san #u-san x reader

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