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noisydiary · 1 year ago

Text

coming clean

☾ | a lil 2.8k nightlock ramble- trying to ramble out the start of the transition from their relationship being physical to being romantic + new update has been rotating in my brain. more or less pressing into deadlock's mental state/ptsd and how she's Processing (she's Not) ------

Sunset was… Tough.

'Tough', meaning, that was the best Iselin could do to put her thoughts into words. She'd thought- or rather hoped- that vindication would feel so much better. Then again, she'd hoped to do more. That she could hurt Kingdom much like they did in their ignorance. Instead, all she got was the truth she already knew. That their corporation was corrupt.

To have this hope that her issues would be solved. That she could go through, prove to Brimstone, and remove what she thought to be the source of her trouble- only to find herself still staring at her ceiling. That the seconds, the minutes, the hours- the time wasted staring at that damned ceiling, knowing time was being wasted. That she couldn't do anything. That she still laid there, her mind so full of what felt like nothing. Nothing she could describe, anyway. That it felt so stuffed she couldn't think past it, and yet she couldn't put it to sleep. All of the gears were turning, making so much noise, and doing nothing.

The easy way out to it was one she'd taken more than once by now… To crawl her way to the one person who still was awake and 3AM- to the dreamseer who couldn't sleep from the noise that filled her own mind. Unfortunately, that would mean caving. Fade had made her stance quite clear the last time Iselin laid in her bed.

"Deadlock?"

"Mm…?"

"You know, as much as these are nice… You can't rely on this forever."

"And what does that mean."

"I can put you to sleep this way, but you've offered me your nightmares. I can take them, but that won't stop them forever. You can't keep running away from your fears."

Iselin didn't respond, but Fades words still found their way through the haze in her mind. She'd not made her way back there since- seeing as she never had a good response. As far as Iselin was concerned, feeling nothing was better than clearing the haze. It sucked, laying alone- but feeling like she did at Kingdom's base… that was worse.

Thinking on that, though, broke the radio silence. Her mind wandered to the mission, to Gekko and Wingman, the facility. Thinking of the beasts, the machines and the technicians- all of the people working with things they didn't understand-- That they had no idea what they were creating, these people making weapons of destruction. It wasn't a far leap for her thoughts to start rushing through everything else she'd pushed out of her mind. Running through Sunset- through the forgotten facility- the idiot they sent with her and her team- the lack of information they gave them- how little they gave to prepare- how small a team they sent in knowing they would die- that they never came for her beacon- the knowledge that if Sova did not find her distress signal, she would have been left for dead- maybe she was better off dead- maybe-- Nei- Nei-!!

Shooting up to sit upright, she grit her teeth and shut her eyes, taking deep breaths as she pulled her knees up to her chest and held herself together- holding her knees with her real arm as her nub tried doing the same, feeling the phantom following suit. It wasn't much to stop herself from hearing everything buzz inside, her heartbeat in her ears and the whispers that lingered along with everything else. What else would you expect in opening the floodgates?

Hvorfor gjorde jeg ikke nok… Hvorfor tenker jeg fortsatt på dette- hvorfor blir jeg ikke bedre. Hvorfor sitter jeg fast- Hvorfor døde jeg ikke? Hvorfor måtte de dø- hvorfor advarte de oss ikke?

Questions she'd ask herself, having no good answer to any of them, really. Questions she wanted answers to, and some that she didn't. Some that she wished were buried with the rest of that damned Vault-- or that she could tear apart until nothing remained.

Asking them, though, gave nothing- as she sat on her bed, shaking. Every question poked another hole in the veil, leaving her breath uneasy, her pulse heavy as it drummed through the silence of headquarters. It took more effort to stop asking, and to leave things as they were- finding no solace in herself. She still had no answer, but… There was a little part of her that didn't want to be alone.

No matter how much she'd kept her distance from everyone, that she'd made certain not to make ties, an ache still remained. Hell, even with Fade and their nights-- a part of the controller ached for the lavender incense she burned, even if her presence meant little to the dreamseer. If all that remained there was the physical nature of their 'relationship', then damn it, she wanted it. If just not to be alone with herself- even if she didn't have the answer Fade wanted… if she wanted it at all.

Taking a longer breath, Iselin stretched herself out of the ball she'd curled into, easing herself out of her mind and into the world once more. She glanced through her barren room to her prosthetic, sitting on her desk as it charged through the night. With a small huff, she got up, focusing on one task at a time. Walking to the desk, grabbing her arm- breathe. In, out. Attaching the arm, she turned on her heel and made her way out of the room, shutting the door behind her as she walked through headquarter's halls.

By this point, the doors of most every other agent sat closed- as the other agents settled in for sleep. Even if they didn't, they were respectful- keeping quiet. The walls were thin, as Skye had told her once before. "Brim and Breach have a tendency to go at one another if ya leave 'em alone too long, you can hear em all the way down in the bloomin' basement-!" as far as Iselin recalled.

The memory caught her for a moment, as a light smile came to her- if only a brief respite from everything else swimming around in there. That, and her nerves pricking up as she came to the door in question, seeing it open just enough for light and air to come through; the air carrying warmth along with it, as the light flickered. Iselin paused before the door, knowing it'd be easy enough to push the door open. Fade kept the door open, in case anyone stopped by- though no one did. "They're afraid of öcü- me."

Iselin took that moment to focus again, letting the nerves building in her quiet, knowing damn well they wouldn't. She took a long breath in, biting her lip as she reached out to the door with her prosthetic, knocking gently enough that the metal didn't echo. Following the knock, she called inside, keeping her voice low as she controlled herself, "Fade?"

In the moments that passed, Iselin pulled her hand back from the door, rubbing the skin on her palm with her thumb. Flighty as she felt, a half thought came to her- that Fade didn't hear, that she could run away and forget it.

Instead, she heard a simple, "Ya?"

Dritbra-- Silencing the thought, Iselin let go of her real hand and reached for the door, pressing it open just enough to peer inside.

Fade sat on her bed, her attention focused to the door as she sipped from her mug, moving to place it on the bedside as her eyes clocked Iselin. "Ah- Deadlock. Can't sleep?"

Her words had a lightness to them, as if she'd meant to laugh- Not cruel, though, not as far as Iselin could tell. Just that she'd grown that predictable, it seems. However, as Iselin pushed the door open fully, Fade's smile fell. Her eyes traced over Deadlock, though Iselin did what she could to avoid her gaze. Her eyes drifted to the candles Fade had lit, knowing Fade was looking over her. She- wasn't in the best condition, if just for lack of trying. A lot of it didn't… really matter. Not when there were other things she could be doing. Part of it, though, was the way she'd held herself. A lot of it was the honest fact- she wasn't exactly in the mood to be stiff, to be upright and steady. In all honesty, she felt small. Weak, just standing there, being gazed at.

Even acknowledging that mentally was enough for her to avoid Fade's eyes, which felt more like they peered into her soul rather than just her body. With a beat, Iselin pulled her prosthetic back, holding her wrist as she realised Fade was waiting for an answer. That little hurdle got Iselin to speak, her words softer, "I-… You were right."

Iselin bowed her head in that, feeling weight in her chest as it felt harder to even speak- as guilt and shame started to mesh with the panic from earlier. Too late to backpedal, she continued, shaking her head softly, "…I don't think I am okay."

Saying it out loud, as much as she hated the thought, felt as a relief. As if the pressure of saying the words was more than the words themselves… And much like removing a plug from a drain, she continued- "I keep staying awake at night, because when I sleep, I have nightmares. I keep losing focus- or my temper, or anything else. I feel like I am losing my mind at times, when I feel I should be fine. I should be fine- Herregud! I should be fine, and I don't think I am- I don't know how to fix this. It… sounds ridiculous out loud…"

As much as Iselin's voice grew, she quieted as she realised what drained, and what little relief she'd gotten from her first statement was quickly replaced with embarrassment, anxiety. She tried to stammer out something else- her hands moving as she floundered for words, trying to make her mind think of something- an apology for dumping this on a bunk bunny, or anything to better explain herself.

Instead, what came was silence, as Iselin stopped her anxious movements. Fade stayed quiet- suspiciously so. Enough that Iselin lifted her head from the items around Fade's room to actually look at her, seeing that she had put away her laptop at some point, having moved from the centre of her bed to the side. Her lips were pursed, though her eyes were soft- meeting Iselin's when she finally looked. At that point, Fade gently patted the space she'd made, giving a calm response back. "Tesekkuler- thank you for telling me."

At a loss for words, Iselin's eyes watered at the response- her lips parting before a little smile came to her, seeing as Fade pat the space again. "Sit. If you're willing to talk, I will listen."

Iselin followed her direction, moving and sitting in the space allotted. She brought her legs up to sit criss-cross, letting her hands fall into her lap- looking to Fade again once she was settled in, seeing her lean forward and tilt her head as she looked Iselin over again. She then pulled back, giving Iselin space as she spoke, "You are still mourning, kar tanesi."

Easy as the words were out of Fade's mouth, hearing someone else say it- to have it said so simply and true, it hit like a truck. So much so that Iselin let off a scoff, as she looked off to one of the tapestries hanging on the walls. Aldri…

Noting her response, Fade leaned forward- moving and taking Iselin's real hand in hers, her touch light, hesitant. Iselin turned her attention to Fade once more, seeing as she waited. Iselin turned her hand and took Fade's grip, listening as she spoke, "Ya, I know- that sounds stupid to you, doesn't it?"

"…A little." Iselin nodded, trying to better form something of value instead of simply nodding along. "I- simply thought I would be done by now. We knew what we walked into- to be upset now, it's…"

"Alright." Fade finished Iselin's thought, firm in her answer as she gave a tight squeeze to Iselin's hand. "It is alright. Being upset, being afraid, it is okay. It is not a sign of weakness that you still carry this. It is, however, a sign that you haven't let yourself grieve."

The best Iselin could muster in return was a soft hum, as her gaze drifted off, her mind starting to wander again. Thinking of Amalie, of Tora, and of the researcher they lost. Not to mention the ache in her own body, as what could best be described as a stump ached it's own loss.

Once again, Fade's voice brought her back- if just a little. "You haven't, have you?"

Iselin let off a soft chuckle back- one almost pitiful as she shook her head, "Death was always an outcome."

"Boş yapmayin- that is not what I am asking."

Fade's voice stayed firm as she pressed, causing Iselin to wince as she shook her head once more, stronger this time as her hand tightened around Fade's. "It was something I should have expected-"

"That is not the question, kar tanesi. You have not let yourself grieve- you are still carrying all of this shit with you, playing strong."

"I don't need to--" Iselin hissed back, feeling her muscles tense as her heart started racing once more.

Fade pulled back on Iselin's hand, her expression softening as she let go. "Breathe."

Gritting her teeth, Iselin took a beat, following Fade's command and breathing. Once she'd calmed, she bit her lip and looked back up to Fade, feeling a touch of guilt eating its way through her once more. "No, I haven't."

"Do you know why?"

"Nei." Her response was immediate, almost sharp in the way she spat it.

Fade took her answer and pulled back, nodding. "That's- about what I expected. You haven't processed what happened, either."

"Ja, I know…"

Iselin let off a sigh as she shut her eyes, feeling as the adrenaline in her system ebbed out- leaving exhaustion in it's place. Her head swayed as she leaned her arms onto her knees, "You'd said that before, about my dreams."

"I did, ya. Your nightmares stem from something, and as much as I know what they come from, I can't stop it from tormenting you while you're awake. But, I also said I am here to listen. If you want me to be a voice of reason, then I'll be a voice of reason… You simply don't seem up for discussing much."

As Fade's bluntness settled, Iselin felt her grab onto her shoulder, gently pulling her backwards. "You'll fall over at this rate."

With another little huff, Iselin followed her motion, laying back onto her bed. She let her eyes open at that point, as she looked to Fade sitting above her- seeing the softer expression she wore. That in and of itself had a different vein of thoughts in Iselin's mind- the kind that weren't… particularly relevant given the current setting. Even though she was still beautiful with the deep colour under her eyes- her expression mixed with her own exhaustion. And yet, here she was, listening. Somehow, a bit of Iselin thought she wouldn't. That she was offering to be polite, and yet, here they were- leaving Iselin with the muddle of emotions that was.

Instead of managing that, though, she gave back a thin smile, one more of kindness than anything else. "Thank you- for listening."

"Of course." Once again, her simple response chimed back, as she pulled her hands to herself, "Though I'm certain anyone would listen if you need it."

A laugh came from Iselin as she shook her head, "Really- I doubt that…"

"Deadlock." Fade's eyes darkened as she scowled. "I know for a fact I am not the only one at Protocol that knows you have been through something. Sikiş aşkına, your physical wounds haven't healed, how would your mind have healed faster? I know for certain that if you would rather someone else, Skye would always listen. The same extends to Sage, or Sova if you would rather someone who knew your situation better. No one expects you to be alright by now- no one except yourself, but that will come with time."

As Fade finished her lecture, she paused for a moment, before pulling back, "Now, I assume you're going to try to rest again, ya? You seemed to tire yourself out more than I ever could~"

Iselin scowled right back, moving to smack Fade's arm with her real one- not trusting her strength at the moment with her prosthetic. Her hit was met with laughter from Fade, who pulled back, "Sleep, then. Or try to. If you give up, I'll have a cup waiting."

Nodding, Iselin's eyes fluttered as she settled in. "Thank you."

Humming back, Fade stayed there on the bed- staying as long as Iselin could remember before she fell asleep, finding some sense of ease in the comfort of company. ------ translations in order of appearance (i am Not an expert in either of these languages orz): [Nei] (Nor.) - 'no' [Hvorfor gjorde jeg (...) hvorfor advarte de oss ikke?] (Nor.) - basically a stream of conscious thoughts, roughly translating to "Why didn't I do enough... Why am I still thinking about this- why am I not getting better. Why am I stuck- Why didn't I die? Why did they have to die- Why didn't they warn us?" [öcü] (Turk.) - loosely 'Boogeyman' [Ya] (Turk.)/[Ja] (Nor.) - both mean 'yes', though i think its funny they are pronounced the same way- neither would realise they weren't saying the other's language for just a moment. [Herregud] (Nor.) - generally an exclamation- best translated to 'damn it' or 'oh my god' [Tesekkuler] (Turk.) - 'Thank you' [Aldri] (Nor.) - 'No way' [Boş yapmayin] (Turk.) - 'Cut it out' [Kar tanesi] (Turk.) - 'Snowflake', meant more endearingly than as an insult [Sikiş aşkına] (Turk.) - 'For fucks sake' i did Not remember putting this many things in oops.

#valorant #deadlock valorant #fade valorant #nightlock #fadelock #deadfear #did we??? decide??? a name?????#rambles #writing

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