#dazai why did you traumatise akutagawa

[deepreviewvoid]

- Trust has no value -

pm Dazai × gn Reader!

Genre: Shenanigans,,

Synopsis: a game of two truths and a lie in an abandoned warehouse quickly turns into a dangerous game of trust.

Background: Reader is also a mafioso, and has known Dazai for a good while after being recruited under his wing, but time alone establishes nothing mutual, especially in a place like the port mafia.

Triggers: this is the port mafia, really, what else should I say? (Knives, Suicide mentions, Blood)

The mafia is a cruel organisation, that is an understatement, it is nothing short of a demonic one that reaps its privileges forcefully without second thought. You didn't have any bright plans in mind, or even a clearer line of morality, so you decided to join for the benefits, the money, and the thrill.

Climbing the ranks wasn't awfully difficult, you were smart and knew your way between the thugs and the knives, sure you've had your scoldings, but each sharpened your will and hardened your tenacity untill eventually, you were recognised by one of the executives, who later took you to work under his team.

He had weird subordinates...to say the least.

An orange haired kid with an attitude? apparently, he manipulates gravity and its the strongest ability known out there. It would be a random beautiful day, but not for Chuuya because he'd always curse the fact that he and Dazai worked almost too perfectly together, infact so well that they were known among the mafia as Double Black, or something like that. He instead preferred to talk about wine and motorcycles, and both topics never interested you, so really, you and Chuuya never found common ground unless it was a battleground.

Then there was Akutagawa, he was quiet, tense, and with a comical amount of temperament. His ability had a personality of its own, which safe to say, it stems from his deepest core which is filled with pure loathing. After working with Dazai for a while, you pretty much realised that Akutagawa was like an orphan he picked and made a punching bag, no wonder he's traumatised.

Anyone would be naive to think that Dazai cared about these two with any possible shred of genuine concern, empathy or even bondship, no.. no no, you'd be gravely mistaken, Dazai intentionally dug out his heart long ago, thus, he solely relies on his mind, his thought process and wit that has kept him alive, and will soon make him the next Mafia head.

You are no exception, you knew that he doesnt trust you, and you never trusted him either but this is the mafia right? We're not here to make friends and share our woes as we cry our hearts out in loving trust. Yes, we're one big family, but that's a metaphor, afterall, we're a family armed with guns, everyone has a gun, anyone can play the game.

You knew the rules and you played the game, you only focused on your tasks and nothing else, however, you also kept one eye out at the suicidal executive, human nature was a personal interest of yours and you couldnt just ignore the opportunity to study how that man works, from afar, of course.

It's been months since you've been here, and today you learnt something new, Dazai has a little something for abandoned warehouses.

________________________________________

"Thank you for joining me tonight y/n!" Dazai said with a hint of sarcastic cheerfulness as he sat crossed legged a top of an empty shipment container, it was practically rusting everywhere.

"I was quite bored, think nothing of it" you were leaning on the container from bellow, staring at nothing in particular. "now why did you actually even bother inviting me is what I'm interested in" you didn't bother making eyecontact, the empty warehouse was already doing its job at echoing your voice loudly enough.

"How should I word this?-" he flipped the pages in his book as his eyes scanned the pages with the help of the dim moonlight. "Think of it as an opportunity, for the both of us" he said in a deadpan voice, not curious or interested, just simply stating.

When Dazai speaks of opportunities, its always about his opportunities. You're not going to get anything out of it, and you knew that too well, so you simply rolled your eyes.

but ... you were willing to play his game.

"Tell me more" you asked, and he replied almost immediately, "do you trust your superior?" and you replied bluntly, "orders are orders so yes, but if we were to sit in a room as strangers with one gun, I don't think so".

And so, you two lashed out in a series of questions being asked by him, to be immediately answered by you.

"Feeling is mutual with the latter, next question, where do your loyalties lie?"

"To the Mafia's prosperity and continuous succession"

"Guns or Knives?"

"Knives, give or take"

Dazai made a sound close to humming just for the notion of the conversation, the page of the book he was holding made a sound as it turned once more, but then the book was abruptly shut right after, as if the new page's contents were boring.

"You know, you're such an interesting person to strike conversations with!" You rolled your eyes at his comment before blunting replying "Do you call this one sided conversation really interesting?", he was the only one asking, but then again, do you even dare ask? There's no guarantee that this man won't play around it.

"Don't get me wrong y/n, I value honesty, you may go ahead and strike me for this ground to be fair" his voice echoed from above the container, and soon enough, he jumped down gracefully to impose direct eyecontact. It was always his way of intimidation, but you also knew your way around, so you burned more fuel into the game by throwing the dice.

"Guns or Knives?"

"Guns are more reliable, they're the embodiment of aiming your will at who you choose to kill, I did notice that you're more of a knife type of person..." his answer ended on a question, and for the sake of this, you didn't entertain him the pleasure of giving an answer, instead you pushed for another question, which made him faintly smirk at the realisation.

"Are you a masochist?"

He chuckled lowly "I don't take pleasure from pain, infact I hate it... and you already know about these" he lifted his arms, "they're just suicidal tendencies, is all"

You took in his words as you both made unwavering eye contact, Dazai was almost always confident in his words, they're a result of his trusty mind afterall. "I'll take my turn now, what do you think of my prowess as an executive?" He said.

"You get things done effectively, your manipulation skills are intimidating and you know how to control the pawns, out of all executives, it seems that you have the least casualties among your men"

"How astute of you, I must say it's even quite flattering" he dramatically raised a hand in fake admiration.

It's your turn now~

"Tell me more about Ango and Odasaku, from my observation, I know that you spend a lot of time with them, what about them? do you trust them?" You didn't break eyecontact as you asked.

"Ango is an informant officer, secretive but rely on him, Odasaku is a great drinking buddy, dont underestimate his low ranking" he effortlessly answered a vague answer, without giving a single hint of doubt in his half assed answer.

At this pace, there's no way you can use this chance to learn more about him, so why not make things more interesting for the both of you? "Do you want to play a game, executive?", his single eye showed signs of intriguement for a moment before a smile ever so faintly crept on his face, he likes games doesn't he? "a magnificent proposal"

"Let's play two truths and a lie, simple, and i'll do you the honors by going first" you smirked slyly as you imposed your three sentences, to which one was a lie.

"I trust you"

"I prefer knives over guns"

"I'm completely loyal to the mafia"

You wanted to play that game, you wanted to make the answer obvious, so you chuckled and nodded when he chose the first statement to be the lie. He found this entertaining, it's entertaining when a game losses its rights to be called a game, because the answers are already there from the start. This was unusual for him, most games he played were of cat and mice in real operations, but this harmless game? Oh it was something else for him, so he proceeded with his three statements.

"I trust you"

"I prefer guns over knives"

"I'm a suicidal"

You both were practically staring daggers at each other when you chose the first answer, and when he revealed it to be the correct one... You both chuckled in quiet irony, the warehouse sending your eerie voices echoing around.

"Chuuya is not as half as entertaining, unless I make him to be, this is more fun, I must confess" he said first between his laughs, and you replied right away with your own confession.

"I agree, Akutagawa hates my guts, I can't even start to have a proper conversation before he lashes out rashoumon at me" you replied dryly, also between your laughs.

Two people just confessed that they don't trust each other and there they are laughing like a bunch of maniacs. What kind of insanity is this? You asked yourself, but in reality, you asked him something far more unusual...

"Then humor me, since we don't trust each other, would you be willing to take a dare from me?" Dazai gave you the most unhinged look for a couple of long seconds, probably out of an act of suspense, he agreed in the end. "If you humor me as well with the same request, then gladly"

Dare for a dare, eye for an eye. You can ask him to do anything and he can do just the same, what enticing possibility should you choose? Knowing yourself, you were already going to choose something psychological, the excitement was apparent in your voice as you placed your dare on the table.

"Close your eye for ten minutes, ten minutes of pure truth where you'll answer any questions I impose with atleast some material honesty"

Without hesitation, nor comment, he closed his one remaining eye as he stood infront of you ever so casually, it was like you're staring at a corpse if it wasn't for his chest heaving as he took his long breaths and his brown locks that were fluttering in the gentle wind of the open warehouse, it made him a pinch more alive.

The executive is already committed to the dare it seems.

"So, how does it feel to close your last eye?" You crossed your arms as you stared at him, making sure to not move yet, as that will give him some hints.

"I would be lying if I said I'm closing the bandaged one, but don't worry, I see nothing" he chuckled, "some people think I hurt my eye, but I didn't, and I wouldn't go far as to visually impair myself. I only wear this patch to switch between my left eye when I'm in a darker environment"

"So you wouldn't go far as to visually impair yourself, but you jump in rivers? Seriously.. Hirotsu made me fish you out before because that old man's back couldnt swim" small cries of laughter escaped your lips as you giggled at the memory.

"Don't question a suicidal, what if I told you that my true love in life is a fine rope?" He said in amusement, sighing also in mock amusement.

Now that's entertaining, you thought. But hey, let's press for more questions, so far his answers are genuine, or atleast appear to be.

You made an intentional sound of shuffling as if to grab something from your attire to give an illusion, to let his mind wander. You approached him untill you were only two steps apart, he stood unflinching.

"Tell me, what's your mind thinking?"

"Two things, you're attempting to psychologically trick me, and what the hell is y/n doing, honest" his lips curved unto a high smile, a sly one.

"It's kind of hard isn't it? You always trust your mind and the judgements it provides because your eyes play a crucial part in providing sources, but without your eyes, what can your thoughts even produce?"

"You know, a blind man can still become a mafioso, they can strongly rely on their other senses to produce judgements that are just as accurate as someone with perfect vision. I don't think there's a difference in my judgement, but I must confide in the fact that I enjoy this test nevertheless"

"What if I told you that I'm holding my knife?"

"That's a lie"

"How could you tell?"

"By sound..., oh, now you're holding it~"

And it was true, this time you were holding your favourite little knife, you ended many lives with with one. It surprised you, but then again, it shouldn't surprise you that he was able to tell the tiniest sounds that a normal human wouldn't hear, that's because our ears don't focus on the little things in life, unless we force them to do so.

"So what about my knife? How do you feel about it?" You made a show, only to yourself of course, by masterfully flickering the knife around, it obviously made sounds as it cut the air.

"I've always liked the shape of your knife's handle, it's very grotesque, which is why I like it. I'm also thinking of all the ways you could stab me right now, it's exciting, can you believe that there are over a hundred of ways to stab someone?!"

You rolled your eyes yet again tonight, he was way too enthusiastic in his mentions of suicide and harm, you probably already know atleast half of his most read book by now, the complete manual of suicide.

"Well? What's the liberty of the knife holding?" He asked, still unhinged, and still he stood in the same position and posture since the ten minute clock.

You shrugged, "it's fun to swing it around", your knife deviously coming close to his own body, you were also enjoying this...

He was only smiling during the whole thing even as you brought the edge of your knife over his non-bandaged cheek.

"So it's true, you really don't fear death" you whispered, as you glided your knife over his cheek, in truth, this knife was a dull one, not your sharp one that you usually kill with so really, It was a pathetic knife that you held so dear, it was a knife uncapable of hurt, it didn't even spill one drop of blood,

unless you applied more pressure,

which you did.

"You know, I don't think I'll prefer to have a bandage on my good side, try not to make it too ugly", his skin tingled with a familiar feeling, the feeling of being cut. "Bandages on both sides? Really?" He sighed at this trouble as if it concerned him greater than the fact that you're running a knife across his cheek, and that a drop of blood is begining its race to his jaw.

He didn't stop you, and this was too prexpeling that you forced yourself to stop.

You wiped it off the drop with your finger, the wound is too weak to spill more than two drops anyway, and you seathed your knife back to its place. You noticed yourself unable to stop staring at him, your stomach slightly flipped at how morbid a human can really be. It fascinated you, but at the same time, you realised you were dealing with a challenge...

This man doesn't tick like a clock, because there were never batteries to begin with.

"It won't scar" you said while looking at your finger, wiping the blood away in your clothes, ah, the privilege of wearing black clothes, you took a few steps back, he's the same, he didn't move since the start. He's an executive.

"That's good to hear" he let out a huff, "what a dull knife you have, why do you keep it with you? If I had to guess, its because it holds intrinsic value."

"Hey, you don't get to ask questions here" you said in mocking sarcasm, he immediately refuted "I get to, ten minutes have passed-" he opened his eye again with a faint smirk.

Already? How long have you been staring? How long have you been trying to stab his cheek? And does he count time just like that? You didn't dare check your phone, you knew he was right when you estimated the time and went over the events in your head, you gave up and sighed.

"Welcome back to the world of the living, hooray" you said in a stern tone, almost mocking him once more. Dazai doesn't hold grudges much, in fact, this guy is a sucker for insults, especially when the enemy insults him.

He simply smiled mischievously "now close your eyes for ten minutes, and answer my questions truthfully" of course, that freak chose the the same dare and you can't complain at your own game, so you immediately shut your eye lids, and the last thing you saw was his face, a finger that he swiped across the little cut you gave him, and a smile.

"Tell me, if I were to do the same, would you let me? Would you flinch?" You thought of the question, and truth be told, an answer immediately popped in by heart, so you answered truthfully.

".. no, not really, eye for an eye I suppose"

"Why do you think that I don't trust you?"

"We've worked together before, we both saw what each of us are capable of, even one of the most valuable lessons you've taught me is the fact that evil expects evil from others"

"Astute, but not the answer I seek"

"Wait, let me guess again"

He let out a huff, you could imagine that he was smiling, "go ahead" he said as if he'd be patient for eternity, even if you took two minutes out of the previous ten.

"Perhaps because trust is a weak word... Does it even have any value to you?" You realised that you just asked him a question, so you didn't keep your hopes up for an answer, however.. he replied.

"It's hard to say, trust is a personal debate of mine, that said, 'trust no one' is a motto some live by, but in reality, if one were to never to trust anyone, then no real progress would pursue. As much as I despise it, Double Black is based on trust, and as much as the head of the mafia despises it, he too must rely on his executives." Dazai's answer was nothing short of well thought and well constructed, still it left you puzzled even more, what was his stance? Is there anyone he trusts?

But alas, don't push your luck is what you've convinced yourself in this moment.

"Over to you now, why don't you trust me?"

"I don't think anyone should trust you, truth be told and I be damned for saying this"

"Oh? Don't worry, do continue, I want to hear your reasoning"

"With all due respect executive, you're awfully good at manipulation, nothing short of a master manipulator. I don't think you'd blink twice before picking up a card and discarding another, you choose not to be a piece in someone's game but always to be the player in everyone's game."

Dazai chuckled darkly, almost too darkly for this. Suddenly, this game has went ten degrees colder. "This is too good" he said a simple sentence, but who knew what it implies, even worse, you can't tell what it really implies when you can't see anything.

Then you heard his footsteps, the sound between each step was consistent so he took normal strides... about four steps, you already estimated that he's one step infront of you, too close.

"I told you, we have the most interesting conversations" he said in a cheerful tone which was now closer. "Do you remember that operation that sent us flying?" His voice wavered a little as he quietly chuckled "the bomb situation at one of our warehouses, it was a chaotic one"

That time, an enemy gang placed a bomb at a mafia warehouse, unknowingly, and unluckily, you and Dazai happened to be near the explosion radius, it was one of the worst casualties that the mafia had in years and after it, came in days and days of endless work to amend the losses and seek revenge.

"That happened almost two months ago, yet I almost forgot you still have that bruise" you can feel his eyes trace that place you know well, there was originally a glass shard that impaled your skin dangerously at the backside of your neck.

"I broke an arm and your neck was bleeding like no tomorrow, yet we held our ground. I'm still surprised you didn't pass out that day" you felt some air on your nose, it didn't take you long to realise it was his breath. Needless to say, he smelled terrible.

"What are you trying to say?"

"Just saying my thoughts out loud, by the way, ten minutes have passed" you waited a few seconds to open your eyes, he was already back where he originally stood.

"Fair game executive, fair game" you smirked at him, sure, he's mysterious, witty and suicidal, but the past hour has been the most interesting thing you'd done since you joined the mafia.

He let out a crooked smile before taking out something familiar, your dull knife. "Do you remember? I asked you if this knife had any intrinsic value to you..."

Once again, you rolled your eyes, of course, he swipped it off you earlier. "What's got you so hooked up on that knife, Dazai?"

"You did just cut an executive's cheek, what privilege already!" He joked tauntingly as he swung the knife across his fingers in a careless manner.

"Says the executive that would let anyone murder him~" I cooed as I slugged ny shoulders.

"Come on, quit blabbering, I deserve an answer" he pouted dramatically.

Eventually, you just let him have what he wanted, he was like a kid demanding candy, and that was scary enough.

"Fine, this is the oldest knife that I have, that's all there is to it. I found it on the street too"

This is also the knife that got you first blood.

"Oh, so that explains why it's so ugly" he flipped it left and right observing it once more, as if the new information provides a whole new picture to the knife.

You sighed before swiping it off his fingers, "Seriously- gimme that" he let you take it, but his smirk was forever plastered on his face for somereason. "Don't even get me started on your taste in river spots!" You seathed the knive back into your little leather holder before looking back him with a teasing taunt, it's almost baffling how he manages to flip between kid and executive.

"You choose the spots that are next to port- I repeat- next to port- that means murky water, contaminated with oils and rust. Is that what you really want to fill your lungs with? In that case, I'd consider suffocation, or even lethal poisoning instead of drowning in pollution. Have some self worth atleast for your dead body"

Dazai didn't say a word, at first which made you second guess you existence, but oh well, he broke into giggles, little by little, into a full blown laughter, even holding his chest with his hands as a form of dramatic flare or perhaps it was genuine. You couldnt hold yourself back, why did that sound come from your mouth, why were you laughing too over suicidal methods? You couldn't help it, you knew half of his damn book.

Eventually, you both calmed down from the hysteria.

"I still don't trust you" he crossed his arms, turned his head slightly away, still in eye contact. "so that means, I can't trust your choice in suicide methods"

"I don't trust you either" you copied his exact same posture, also crossing your arms. "I can't trust your judgement in knives"

"Drink with me tonight?"

"Only if you'll humor me with another dare?"

"Deal".

-End

And that's how pretty much Dazai introduced you to his go to bar, Lupins.

A/N: I'd really appreciate feedback since this is my first. Thanks :) that was fun to write.

[sanest-bsd-delegate]

Can i ask for Hanahaki headcanon with dazai/chuuya/fyodor ?

btw love your work<3

Hanahaki lovers

Headcanon: Flower of love, they were the Hanahaki lovers. Ft Dazai, Chuuya and Fyodor Masterlist Tysm Anon for the request!!

Dazai:

I think bro is absolutely clueless on why you suddenly stopped talking to him, I mean what is the reason not to talk to the dazai osamu?

He seriously was an idiot, [He isnt, he acts like thats] that was unless he saw you coughing flowers the other day.

"Y/N are you coughing flowers?.....and blood??" (LIKE BRO ARE YOU BLIND?)

He tries to use his ability on you to see if you were coughing up due to any ability happenings.

He is despite to help you out not knowing he is a cause of it.

You had no option other then opting for the surgery, damn well knowing you will be falling with that dumbass around even more

Dazai welcomes you back with open arms only to see you emotionless around him.

"N/N did the effect wore off?"

In conclusion, you finally told him

Later he brushes off the fact you liked him and he ofc as always asked for a double suicide.

you regret liking him

things are normal now. [OMG CONGRATULATIONS]

You tell Atsushi to give a letter to Dazai which you meant to give a long ago. "ANYONE?!......DAZAI-SAN IS COUGHING FLOWERS?'"

Chuuya:

Can you think this boy is incapable of love?

Its not you throwing up flowers, its him

istg Y/N please dont traumatise this baby

He just loves the fact someone came in his life and gave attention to him.

Bro doesnt want to loss the feelings for you despite the fact he is rich af

The disease seemed to be slowly visible to all Port Mafia members.

Akutagawa got a coughing buddy

"PLEASE CHUUYA GET A SURGERY I DONT WANT YOU TO GET MORE HURT"( Y/N fr us)

"WELL WHY COUGH COUGH FLOWERS DONT YOU GAIN FEELINGS FOR ME IF YOU CARE?" whoopsies?

In the end he refused to see you. Damn shawty got attitude.

Voila! You actually cared for him and spent time with him when he was coughing more petals. (bro no-)

OMG HIS COUGHING STARTED TO STOP.

Did you gain feelings or did he loss feelings? hummm

Fyodor:

Who do you think gained the disease?

Ofc! its patrick the star

No bro its you [#sadlife_and_heartbeenbrokenmaytimes]

This guy, don't even know what other human feelings are

Bro straightup just pat your back when you were coughing flowers.

He didnt notice until you were coughing blood

"Y/N, I think you have catch cold, I suggest you rest" IS THAT EVEN FYODOR? STILL DUMB I SEE

Bro you cant even keep up with the speed of flowers you are coughing.

Nikolai in the background collecting petals

You had nothing but talk to sigma about it

Sigma recommends you therapy and surgery

WELP- OFF TO THE DOCTORS WE GO

Later Fyodor reveals he knew it all along but it is a waste of human potential to have feelings of affection

WELL MAYBE THATS WHY EVERYONE LEFT YOU, OH WHAT YOU DONT EVEN HAVE EVERYONE-

[pegging-satan]

Listen. I genuinely dislike some people, and I mean absolutely loathe them with every fibre of my being. But I do not come up with hundreds of ways to annoy them or keep logs of what annoys them or think about ways to annoy them 24/7 or even think about them at all. You know who I do think about annoying 24/7? My best friends.

Therefore Dazai is very fond of Chuuya and loves him dearly, platonically, romantically, doesn’t matter, what matters is that they are fond of each other in some way. They do not genuinely dislike each other. Sure, there’s a feeling of betrayal somewhere there but they still talk and work? That’s because of the mutual fondness and understanding. Maybe they just don’t want to lose each other because for daz this was his only partner the same age as him, in a world surrounded by adults who did bad, bad things, who he could just Be A Kid with, and for chuu the only one who saw him as a person, who didn’t want to own him for his ability, someone who saw his humanity, someone who he could just Be A Kid with,,,,,….,

Ya know, in a world that they were forced to grow up too soon, to lead, to command bro they were fifteen they didn’t know any better it was their circumstances that made them, it was necessity for survival. If you can’t beat them, join them. They were kids! It was their circumstances that moulded them. It was Mori’s influence that made Dazai believe that the things they did in the mafia were okay, that it was okay to put their humanity and morals aside for the greater good. Negotiations with Chuuya? That boy was fifteen. He could have and was brainwashed and manipulated into joining. None of it was his free will.

They were both kids, victims of circumstance, and under the influence of bad, bad people. No fifteen year old is strong enough to shoulder the burden of the world, or mature enough to understand the ‘why’ or the consequences of their actions. And if they’re traumatised enough don’t even remember what they did or what happened to them. And that’s why it’s so important to have a caring adult around, because the people that surround a kid really do influence the rest of their worldview. And it can change depending on the kinds of people they associate with. Just look at how Akutagawa turned out, how Dazai got out of the dark side because of Oda, the way Fukuzawa raised Ranpo,,,,,, you get what I’m sayin?

And because of all these responsibilities thrust upon them at such an early age they saw each other’s company as almost comforting because they never expected anything from each other. Yes they worked well together, but it was because of that deeper understanding they had with each other. They know that there will be no bad blood between them because they just get each other. In the similar circumstances that they were raised, they sought comfort in each other in a way. They could live without each other, but would rather not yk?

[kiyokoxd]

« Hallucinations »

fandom ; bungo stray dogs

content ; angst

includes ; dazai

warnings ; death, odasaku, manga spoilers (1), few ideas taken from No Longer Human – Osamu Dazai, mention of suicide, don't read it i am just warning u here so I don't get the blame later on

note ; well that hurts but thank you! i honestly wondered the same thing too and so I decided to write about it ahaha... | I recommend listening to this song while reading it :) @requiem626k

Osamu Dazai. A former member of the Port Mafia, also known for 138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud. He joined Port Mafia when he was only 14, a teenager. The age where people enjoy and live the best out of their lives, he was here. Committing these sins. It wasn't forced either, he chose to be here. He thought, perhaps if I spent more time here, I would have found meaning in life. 4 years and nothing happened until his friend, Odasaku told him to leave Port Mafia and save lives.

It was a selfish request but it was alright, though he found respect for other lives. He didn't find a meaning for his, not one bit.

The 2 years he lived undercover was traumatising, but he learned to keep a better and more cheerful facade to fool others. He acted like a clown to make others laugh yet keep his intrusive thoughts within himself, only making jokes about them in order to look more of a clown.

It's not like he wanted to show that suicide is a joke, it wasn't. But he didn't know how to express his emotions, not after the emotionless phase he went through half of his life. Odasaku's death impacted him more than anything and left him confused, not being sure how he could tell others he needed help, he didn't want to look vulnerable either. Weakness couldn't be shown.

Even so, he was just a child. It wasn't a card that could be shown to feel pity for him. But, most teenagers remember what they do and how much fun they have, Dazai remembered it too, only that it wasn't fun.

Their faces, lying on the floor, pools of blood, Odasaku, betrayal, Ango, people begging to be forgiven or given mercy, gunshots, Akutagawa, Q, death and lies everywhere. He didn't listen to the cries, he was known to be cold, he was known to be the demon prodigy, a monster was what he was. Or so he thought.

Even if Atsushi and others believed in him and that now he could redeem himself. That didn't stop his paranoia. He saw similar faces everywhere, looking at him in disgust, disapproval or sadness. The lives that he took screamed at him, still begging him to leave them alone, that they had people to care for, reasons worth living for. Their faces were somehow deformed or covered in blood, the blood that he caused to spill. The lives that he ruined, all by himself, it was a choice.

"It's all your fault," they said, "WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" they screamed.

Dazai took another glass of alcohol to blur the noises in the background.

The other agency members knew it must have been hard, they didn't know the full story. Only that he was quite obsessive when it came towards drinking, it really wasn't healthy.

The voices dulled the more he was around the Agency members. But what if he was alone?

He looked at the mirror to wash his face with cold water, to make him feel calmer. But all he could see was the face of a murderer, whispering at him, "there's really no escape until you die"

He wanted to die. Fighting wasn't worth it, karma would chase him for his lies, always and forever. The blood on his hands scared him to death, no matter how much he wiped it off, it wouldn't go away. Why him? The death of hundreds of people was on his hand and he couldn't do anything to take it away. The feeling of it was sickening, it made him want to puke. He could give up on his life to take this feeling away.

But could he really give up on the people that believed in him? Did he believe in himself? Maybe. He wanted to be a better tutor, a better friend, not the old manipulative and selfish man he was. He wanted to learn how to love, how to not feel worthless and undeserving, self-pity was bad, he knew it, and maybe it was worth it to try, but his life wasn't.

That's how he lived on, confused and conflicted with his feelings, somehow still maintaining his cheerful and playful facade. It was tiresome but he knew a few people cared about him, so maybe another try would be it. Another try for death or life? It truly depended on him.

– ; okay I am sorry :') I really am, it's just that I like writing angst even tho it hurts haha... I am not the only one to blame here this time tho so hAHa

~ ; @missrown , @xmellows , @greenshirtimagines , @alittlesimp , @dazaisusedbandages , @bsdparadise , @explosion-queen , @shadyteacup

anyways! reblogs, comments and likes are appreciated! i hope you all stay safe and take care <3 // writing belongs to me! please do not plagiarize! the reblog button is always there for you to share :)

[sleepyghostuwu]

Part 4/??: Akutagawa Fluff

Read Part 3: https://sleepyghostuwu.tumblr.com/post/654839506827100160/read-part-2

Woohoo, I finally got something for part 4! 😄 School just started a few days ago and I got traumatised by BSD’s Cannibalism Arc (I’m glad I didn’t watch it right before bed QvQ) so I’m giving myself therapy by fluff. Enjoy!

- “(Y/n)-chan~! We just got an email about Port Mafia activity happening in the alley near us! Do you mind checking the place?” Dazai’s singsong voice rang across the office. 

- You look up from your papers and groan in frustration. “The Port Mafia again? Also, isn’t Ranpo supposed to do the checking?” 

- “OI, (Y/N)!” Ranpo yelled angrily from his stash of snacks. “I INVESTIGATE CASES, NOT CHECK RANDOM PLACES!” (lmao that rhymes—)

- You glare at Ranpo in disgust. (Not that both of you are enemies or anything, but he can be annoying T-T) Sighing in resignation, you get up from your desk, grab your gun and leave for the alley. 

- You arrive at the same alley you found the smuggled guns in. However, this time, other than the creepiness and darkness of the alley, you felt that something was off. 

- There was nothing there. 

- No crates of smuggled goods, no wanted gangsters…just dusty air-conditioner vents and very dirty walls. Irritated, you text Dazai. 

“Dazai, are you sure you gave me the correct directions?” 

“Yes, I’m sure. Why?” 

“There’s nothing here :0″ 

“Huh, that’s funny. Because our client told us that there was suspicious activity going on in there.” 

- You take a few moments to calm yourself and refrain from losing it before texting Dazai back. 

“Whoever it was, they’re probably messing with us. I’m heading back.”

- Just as you were about to send the message, a familiar voice suddenly jolts you. “Hey, (y/n).” 

- You turn around and look up to find your new friend staring at you, his gray eyes stormy as ever. “AKUTAGAWA?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!!” 

- “I was waiting for you. You came later than I expected though.” =^= 

- Hold up. He knew I was coming here? It took you a minute to realise the situation you were in. When it finally struck you, your eyes widen in horror. “Did you just trick the Agency into thinking that there was a case?” 

- “In my defense, since I’m from the Port Mafia, that makes me the case itself, so technically I did not trick them.” 

- You glance at Akutagawa skeptically. “How did you know I was the one who would check this place?” 

- Akutagawa’s cold demeanour faded. Blushing slightly, he looked away and grumbled, “I just guessed.” 

- “Huh, that’s lucky,” you shove your phone back into your pocket. “What do you want?” 

- Akutagawa was silent for a few moments. Unknown to you, he was struggling to put his request into words. The poor guy didn’t want to sound weak in front of anyone, especially someone from the Armed Detective Agency. Giving an awkward cough, he muttered, “I want a date.” 

(oHO—)

- Confusion. You give Akutagawa a blank stare. “A date?” 

- Akutagawa nods, covering the lower half of his face as he internally drowns. He had just asked you out with the wrong impression that he liked you more than he actually did. (The poor boi is awkward, okei?) Fortunately, you managed to understand what he was talking about. 

- “Sure, but I’m still at work, so I can’t go out at the moment. Want to have dinner together?” :]

- “We’re not having sweet bean bread, right?” Akutagawa didn’t like the thought of having meagre pastries for a meal.

- “Of course not,” you were offended at the thought of offering the mafioso such a lowly meal. As you wondered where to drag Akutagawa that evening, a bulb lit up in your head and you suggested, “There’s a nice noodle store in the mall. Do you want to go there?” 

- After a moment of thoughtful silence, Akutagawa nods in agreement. “At least it’s better than sweet bean bread,” he tried to sound begrudging, much to your amusement. His face tinted pink, he adds hesitantly, “See you after work.” 

At the Agency…

- “(Y/n)-chan, how was the investigation?” Dazai asks as you entered the office. 

- Approaching the man’s desk, you tell him about your encounter with Akutagawa and how he tricked you into going on a date with him. At the end of your recount, Dazai frowns thoughtfully and remarks, “Hm, I thought that’d be the case.” 

- “EH?!” You stare at Dazai with utmost bewilderment. He knew that Akutagawa was tricking the Agency into sending you to him and still went along with it. 

- “You see…the email wasn’t really about Port Mafia activity. It was more of this,” Dazai shows you the series of emails, which went: 

“Dazai-san, is it alright if I borrow (y/n) for a moment? I want to talk to them. Akutagawa.” 

“Of course! Where do you want them to meet you? Dazai.” 

“The alley near the Agency. Akutagawa.” 

“Alright, they just left the office in a bad mood. Try not to harm them. Dazai.”

- You smacked Dazai in the head with your papers and started yelling at him. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!! YOU COULD’VE JUST TOLD ME THAT SOMEBODY WANTED TO MEET ME IN THE ALLEY!!” 

- “You wouldn’t believe me if I said that,” Dazai wore a mischievous smile on his face. Bandage Mackerel had an annoyingly fair point. 

- “What’s with the prediction that he was going to ask me out?” You demanded. 

- “You showed him kindness, (y/n). You heard Atsushi yesterday: a little act of kindness goes a long way. I was harsh towards Akutagawa back then. Kindness, or more accurately, mercy, wasn’t really a thing in the Port Mafia.” 

- “Oh…” Your voice softened at Dazai’s explanation. Sitting next to him, you wondered, “Dazai, do you think I have it in me to be Akutagawa’s friend?” 

- Dazai turns to you and smiles. “Given how far you’ve gone, yes.” 

[pompompurin1028]

Oh my God!! I had never thought of it that way, that’s awesome! Good catch, Kat :o

That is so true, we read Yozo’s life and deeds completely through his own eyes therefore we can’t treat it as an objective narrative. When this is combined with all the analyses you made yesterday, it’s all coming together and this is the best feeling ever, when I first read your response I went crazy with euphoria😭

And exactly! We can definitely distinguish these two narratives -Yozo’s and the woman’s- in the last scene under the sunset. Dazai, for some reason, always denies his good intentions and is “blinded to his better side” as you said and I totally adore this way of putting it. I really hope Atsushi will be able to bring him back to reality😔

I mean, of course he’s not the most snow white person out there, he still has really gray morals, but isn’t this already an incredible step considering that he was born in pitch black? He needs to see how much he’s achieved since then, but he still feels guilty and this totally blocks the good parts of his journey in his mind, which is probably why he always has that façade to keep him from breaking down. Just like how Yozo had this façade of “clowning” even though he was feeling empty inside all while entertaining people and seeming so cheerful. This clowning thing was a really beautiful parallelism between BSD Dazai and Yozo.

Exactly😭 For someone as traumatised as Atsushi, that poor cinnamon roll is really so precious with his amount of trust and kindness🥺 And yeah… There’s no way I would be able to 100% restore my trust for him -if I had it in the first place, of course, you never know with Dazai😂-, I would question constantly if he’s planning new things with several villains “for the sake of the city”, and this is just what Atsushi says, he denies this as well like what- then why😭 He owes a really good explanation to the ADA, tbh. I hope they treat this subject in S3 or I’ll get really mad if he just gets away with it as if people didn’t die because of his shenanigans😤

And oh my God! I never knew that! This is really intriguing, I’m totally on Dazai-sensei’s side on this matter, Run, Melos! will be so interesting to read :o And as always, I’d love to read your analysis on it😌

And that’s so true😞 His plans are always so complex and detailed that if the littlest thing goes wrong, it would all be over, I mean, trusting that Chuuya punches him in the face or he’ll die?? He’s really walking on thin ice there haha. Which, of course, comes with great stress. And omg I LOVED THAT ANALYSIS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING💕 I reblogged it privately to come back to it whenever I start having doubts or feeling bad about Dazai which happened way too often even before Dead Apple, I just couldn’t keep a healthy relationship with him like I do with Kunikida I have no idea why this will really be a useful thing to come back to 💫 It pains me to see that how much he suffers in reality yet he’s not even able to acknowledge that it’s not his fault😞 (you can gimme all your analyses don’t be shy👀)

I’m planning on reading this one, it has several chapters and they all seem really explanatory. (I hope linking system works in asks🤔)

Exactly, I honestly used to miss all these about Akutagawa and just overlook him, consider him as a mere invincible rabid dog with an unhealthy obsession, whose ability is just to murder. But that’s not true at all, he’s more than his ability. To be honest, I think this movie made this sentence valid for everyone, especially if the ability is too strong, one always tends to consider them as their ability and nothing else, but that’s not true, their abilities are a part of them but they don’t assure their existence. Each one of them is more than their ability and I loved seeing that, I even felt sad when Aku regained his Rashōmon😭

Haha, always!!❤️ Never hesitate to share anything about any theory/headcanon you have, I love discussing them🥰

These asks and responses are getting longer and longer but I’m not complaining😂

Thank you so much!🥺 That makes me really happy that you said that!

And yes exactly! We have to make note that the novel is written in an I-novel narrative, and like all first person perspectives, they are unreliable. And "crazy with euphoria", that makes me so happy to hear😭💕

But yes, we can clearly see the distinct difference between how Yozo sees himself, vs how the woman sees him. (Side note: And one of the reasons why I love this book despite its dark themes and narratives, is that it talks about the goodness of humanity that still exists in even the worst people. Dazai-sensei's narration of Yozo is written in a way that almost makes us hate him. But we have to always be reminded that despite this, there are goodness, even in people like Yozo, which I felt is an amazing reminder) And his own blindness to his better side is obviously self-destructive, as seen in the novel, and I believe that if Dazai continues to see this way, he will not be able to heal despite following what Oda wants him to do. No, he first has to face his past, and as you said he has to recognize how far he has come, even though he is still learning, he is still changing. Like all other characters in Dead Apple, Dazai is also facing his past, or more so an introduction to having to face his past, as I believe that Atsushi had also said that he hopes that Dazai can put his past behind him or something similar to that. And I personally feel that Dazai would have a happy ending because unlike in the novel, he has someone (Atsushi) to remind him of his goodness, the fact that he can go beyond what he is in the past. I just love Dead Apple so much😭

And the clowning part breaks my heart too... In addition to being a facade to stop others from seeing how empty he is inside, which would deviate himself from being "human". It gives me a saddening understanding that Dazai is keeping everyone at a distance. Although he wants others to understand him, and his whole existence is basically a cry for help, he fears being hurt, or at least that's what I believe how Yozo thinks. And it should be noted that the act of clowning, can also be seen in The Setting Sun as well, which he once again uses a mask to attempt to blend into society, yet knowing that he'll still be different from the rest of them

Also one thing I also realized as I am writing this is how Dazai-sensei intentionally in a sense villanizes himself (as it is semi-biographical) as well as Yozo in No Longer Human, and I can't help but wonder if this is another parallel to Dead Apple?🤔

But unfortunately, the consequences of him making that meticulous plan which endangered everyone will not be resolved, as it should be noted that this is a sort of spinoff from the main storyline. But in a sense I like the ending it gave us, as it allows open interpretation. And I feel that it also might symbolize the fact that all the main characters in the movie are still growing, are still learning and are continuing on their paths to face their pasts... And what I think is also quite important to note that is there's also a sense of trust Dazai gives to the people involved in his plans, he trusts them to make that exact move to make his plan whole. And also, what also makes me sad is that Dazai seems to be asking for forgiveness for what he did during dead apple, at least that's what it sounds like to me as he said: "Atsushi what I did earlier-"

And I totally agree that it is impossible to restore full trust back to Dazai. That itself is impossible, for it is a disillusionment, it is a stage you cannot go back to. But and I agree with Dazai-sensei, I believe that this could help Dazai see the better parts of humanity like when he said to Oda, that the good side is really more beautiful.

And I'm so glad to know that you want to save it🥺 It can definitely be hard to see Dazai's good side at times, he is quite confusing and is easily misunderstood ngl. But sometimes I think he intentionally does that so no one can see through his true intentions, to keep himself at a distance, while at the same time wanting others to see through him, to help him😔

And oo thank you for the analysis! I'll definitely have to read it soon☺ Also if you have any analysis that you'd like to discuss or want me to know, feel free to drop them in my ask box as well!

And yes exactly! That about Aku is so beautifully said.

And honestly I'm not complaining either haha. These have been quite fun🥰

[marktwainsuggestions-blog]

Honesty hour? Honesty hour. Opinion on everyone you've met so far~? (All the suggestion blogs-)

//Well this can get tricky because I have met the suggestions blogs off and on in this RP nonnie. So I’ll refer just to in character RP:3//

Chuuya @chuuyasuggestions - way too fucking defensive. So many anger problems. Probably solves the fridge door that won’t close by yelling at it and punching it close. Probably hates me and if I were in a room with Bin Laden and Hitler, he’d shoot me twice just because. Seriously has no chill. 

Dazai @dazaisuggestions - in and off with the best one liners. Literally Dazai from canon? Problematic husband, please seek therapy.

Yosano @yosanosuggestions - she is literally bae? Very fun and murderous. Nice drinking partner. Apparently when everyone has had enough of my Twain charm (because lets be honest you cannot not stay in my presence too much without being blown away by my amazing personality) she will probably patch me up? Which is the nicest thing ever? Wow. Probably will dissect me for fun. 

Ranpo @ranposuggestions - smol, angry child that has had too little sweets and too many nightmares. Probably hates me for calling him on his obvious praise kink. Actually everyone here hates me for that~ Well, it’s not my fault they are obvious!!  He is fun to be around. His sass is almost as good as mine, though he gets upset easily and I don’t have energy to deal with that. Finny and Huck are too mean to me already. 

Tanizaki @tanizakisuggestions - he just joined and is traumatised already. Still considering if he is going to start burning people or not.

Kunikida @kunikidasuggestions - kinkiest dad, in a relationship with the weirdest creature on earth, seriously like how and why?!?! (Mark is scared). The saltiest shit ever. So, so, so angry. Threatens people away with maths and facts. Probably has a spreadsheet on how to hold his pants right. In the alphabetical order of their colours. Has no chill since he was born, would probably kill a bitch. Hates me too. 

Kyouka @kyoukasuggestions - sweet, precious Sherlock daughter. Probably has a database of all our posts and is great A stalker and assassin. Cold savage and calls everyone out. The most polite person on this shit, which incidentally did not deserve any of this. 

Poe @eapoesuggestions - small, scared child. Was thought to be a cryptid for a day. Hates himself but loves raccoons. 

Akutagawa @akutagawasuggestions - Boiiii. This one is issuesTM. Literally someone save him. So angry that when you open a dictionary searching for the word rage you just find a portrait of him. Actually, you find him in a thesaurus too for every synonym of the word fury and issues. Seriously has no chill. Is into weird questionable shit. Vore. Vore. Vore. (Stop the vore, pls.)

Odasaku @odasakusuggestions - dead dad friend so done with all this shit. Probably regrets his alive and death choices. Is concerned and slightly scared. Overprotective cinnamon roll but he could kill you if you tried. Probably recites Shakespeare in front of a mirror every night.

Souseki @sosekisuggestions - even more concerned granddad. Secretly kinky. Disapproves of everything here and is too tired of this shit. Loses 9 years of his life every time Chuuya burns a meal. Probably cries while inhaling catnip because he can’t deal with any of these. 

Fyodor @fyodorsuggestions - daddy as fuck? He probably collects organs from his enemies for fun. Has the fluffiest hat ever. Awkward sinnamon that doesn’t interact much but when he does most people there is an awkward quiet. Probably visits bdsms club to watch people. He can come kill me any time. 

Mori @morisuggestions - poor mafia lord that is always way over his head with what he has to deal with. He is so fancy he probably drinks tea out of porcelain from 5th century or some shit. God help me he is even more extra than his wayward adopted son. Probably is caught in between murdering Aku and teasing him so he would vore PM enemies to death. Has a thighs collection. 

Higuchi @higuchisuggestions - tired port mafia lady. Very nice and respectful but very thirsty. Loves her girlfriend so much it’s like I’m watching a gay chick flick every time she interacts on this dash. I get diabetes. Also very tired. Probably did not sign up for this shit. If I took a shot each time she thought of murdering me I would put to shame the population density in NYC

Gin @ginbsdsuggestions - The other Mafia girlfriend. Very shy but so kinky. Literally so kinky and gay. Probably murders people so fun. Very chill for being the sister of MiniEmoSatan but prettier. Finally one of these siblings learnt how to use scissors. Probably drinks 8 shots of coffee in the morning as a self care routine but then she’s fly as fuck and ready to kill you.

Kouyou @kouyousuggestions - Another PM lady. Probably a queen from another life. Very concerned mum, but only for DrunkenMidget he could sell the rest of us to Satan for all she cares. Very polite too but so very savage. Dresses to impress, and probably if someone saw her just a bit unpolished they would die on the spot. Has a selfcare routine that includes the blood of her enemies and macha tea. Probably so elegant that makes people cry by feeling blessed to look at her. 

Lucy @lucymaudsuggestions - small, innocent girl THAT WOULD MURDER YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. Listens to hipster bullshit and thinks she’s unique because of her traumaTM. Cries to Melanie Martinez and Halsey every night. Is very nice and sweet until she goes bat shit crazy. Collects the weirdest stuff (pls save me). Loves dresses, frills, and making boys cries. Never impressed. Is full of hate but hides it because of her aesthetic.

Atsushi @atsushisuggestions - someone give this kid therapy. Poor kid is probably scared of his own shadow. Very defensive and pure. Literally I feel bad for picking up on him. Probably grooms himself like a cat but is ashamed. Needs some love. Thinks he doesn’t deserve to relax until he suddenly starts eating ice cream at 3 am on the kitchen floor crying. 

Elise @elisesuggestions - cute demon child? Has cute dresses.

Motojirou @motojiroukajiisuggestions - has a lemon fetish? He is that guy who joins the party and makes everyone wonder how from all the possible combination this was the sperm that won. Thinks he is a genius but actually is a poster for crack addiction. Has interesting ideas that you want to see fail for your own amusement. Probably plays Happy Wheels and thinks how he can make that into a real life experiment. 

Fitzgerald @fitzgeraldsuggestions - always absent. Too extra. Has so much money that he filled a pool once and tried to swim in it. (Plot twist, he almost drowned). For some reason he has this weird relationship with HotTopic that scares the living daylights out of me. Probably twerking in Tenerife for fun rn. 

Lovecraft @hplovecraftsuggestions - Octopus man. Made me research reproduction and anatomy of the octopus. Has as much will to live as SuicidalBandages. Is always tired. Probably falls asleep in public transport (he totally does that). And on missions (he does that). Makes me wonder about if he suffer about Narcolepsy. Hates me and he scares me. Always wearing that suit so probably has a very big cleaning bill? Makes me wonder if he eats human or octopus food.