#david's insights are music to my ears

[borgialucrezia]

"The rift between him and his brother and sister has sort of widened and widened and whereas he's trying to be all mature and get over it, Neil [Jordan] was always keen on Juan coming back different and secure and grounded. That’s how I wanted to play it when he came back. He's spent the entire first series being picked upon and bullied by the family. I think the shock of Lucrezia actually manning up and trying to kill him had a huge effect as well. He’s growing and maturing. If there’s one aspect of Juan that never changes throughout both seasons is he always does what it true inside him. From where Juan stands he sees the hypocrisy in the family, how they can do one thing and say another. As far as Juan is concerned he's always had the best interests of the family at heart." — David Oakes.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

 Window in His Heart

Alex Gibney’s new documentary chronicles Paul Simon’s course from voice of a generation to aging performer who’s not ready to hang up his guitar

BY DAVID YAFFE

MARCH 16, 2024

A 21-year-old Queens College student wrote a song in his parents’ bathroom about how we would all be swallowed up by death. Do your best to make music, but silence will defeat you in the end. “Hello, darkness, my old friend,” he began, singing to the tiles. This was not an obvious chart-topping topic, yet “The Sound of Silence” eventually became a No. 1 hit, and Paul Simon, with his childhood pal Artie Garfunkel rocking a harmony, broke very, very big.

When he sang, “Losing love is like a window in your heart,” he was singing about his divorce from Carrie Fisher, but he was really singing for anyone who had lost love and was still reeling. Simon lamented that he could not sound enigmatic like Dylan. He always sounded sincere. Maybe it was because he was part of something larger. “There is something where the music is coming through you,” he said. “You’re a part of it, but it’s not starting with you—it’s coming from somewhere.” O.K., but when he sold his catalogue, he kept the $250 million.

He had a farewell album in 2016 and a farewell tour in 2018, but then a voice came to him in a dream, telling him he would write something called Seven Psalms, even providing lyrics. Simon would transcribe like a biblical prophet. The message would have something to do with dying, right back to where he started in “The Sound of Silence.” Gibney’s In Restless Dreams follows Simon’s quest to record the album after the final album, while he was losing the feeling in his hands and his hearing in his left ear, first gradually, then suddenly.

“The artistic process is about real shit,” Gibney tells me. “Because I was around when he was doing the work, it was like Picasso painting. Paul needed an audience, particularly when it was hard for him. He was having issues with his hands. There was one day when he came in with a huge bag of Theraguns, a muscle relaxer for his hands. He had issues with his playing, his hearing, and his singing, and he let us watch him struggle through that. That was both very generous and vulnerable. But it also helped him, because he knows how to rally for an audience. The extra energy was useful to him. Watching him in the present gave me more insight into the past.”

When Brickell sings, “Heaven is beautiful. It’s almost like home,” I cannot listen without tears. We want to hear the songwriter of “The Sound of Silence.” We’re not ready for actual silence. Losing love is a window in your heart, but what about losing everything? “The big mystery about life,” Simon says in the film, “you can never solve the mystery. That’s what’s so great about it. You don’t want to solve it.”

After Seven Psalms, Simon went back to doing what he was doing before: writing songs. He’s still working out how to perform with the one good ear, and he hasn’t given up. Neither should we. We’re on our way. We don’t know where we’re going.

In Restless Dreams: The Music of Paul Simon premieres on MGM+ on March 17

David Yaffe is a professor of humanities at Syracuse University. He writes about music and is the author, most recently, of Reckless Daughter: A Portrait of Joni Mitchell. You can read his Substack here

[ear-worthy]

Forget The Best Read: Do A Beach Listen With These Wondery Shows

 For those not intimately familiar with the podcast industry, Wondery is an American podcast network and publisher of podcasts including Dirty John, Dr. Death, and The Shrink Next Door. Wondery was founded in 2016 by entrepreneur and media executive Hernán Lopez. The company was launched with backing from 20th Century Fox (now 20th Century Studios). In late 2020, it was announced that Wondery had been purchased by Amazon Music. The acquisition enabled Amazon to establish a beachhead in podcasting. Amazon does produce podcasts via its audiobook company, Audible, but many of those are for subscribers only.

My favorite Wondery podcasts are Business Wars with David Brown, American History Tellers with Lindsay Graham (not the douchey politician), American Innovations with Steven Johnson, and History Chicks with Beckett Graham and Susan Vollenweider. 

 Wondery has two premium subscription options, Wondery+ and Wondery+ Kids for those who either have money to burn, hate ads that much, or enjoy getting stuff before others. Anyway, Wondery does have some podcasts that are ear worthy, especially for a summer beach listen instead of a beach read. Whether you’re cooped up in a car, plane, or train to reach the ultimate summer vacay spot, showing off your Ozempic body at the pool, or you’re simply trying to avoid your family at a summer BBQ, Wondery has listeners covered with several podcasts that will make the time go by faster than the amount of time summer seems to last. Here are some recommended listens: Lemme Say This (NEW)

New episodes weekly with more pop culture gossip + guests For those of us who are chronically online and need all the entertainment gossip/news, this is for you! Hosted by journalists and real-life best friends, Peyton Dix and Hunter Harris (Hung Up Substack), the weekly convo series is basically a glorified group chat. Each episode focuses on a few recent pop culture moments with a guest and offers highly entertaining opinions on each – for instance, the summer of Charli XCX vs. Sabrina Carpenter, Selena Gomez’s naked feet boyfriend, and who takes the crown for Hollywood’s most divorced man. Watch episodes on YouTube

Happily Never After: Dan and Nancy (NEW) New episodes premiering weekly until July 1 The real life story of how to murder your husband! This true crime/dark comedy show surrounds romantic suspense writer, Nancy Brophy, whose written horrific fictions start bleeding into her real life when her husband is found murdered at work. Fellow romance novelist and former true crime reporter Heidi Joy Tretheway, who was a member of Nancy’s writing club in Portland, OR, hosts the series, bringing her first-hand knowledge and insights to the unbelievable twisted tale

This is Keke Palmer (NEW)

 New episodes weekly  Baby, Keke is back! Keke Palmer has questions for days, about everything under the sun, and each episode is a journey down the rabbit hole on a topic that she cannot stop obsessing over. She’ll also get deep with special guests, trying to answer the questions that keep us up at night. We are getting INTO IT. Season two guests include Amy Poehler, Vivica A. Fox, Kel Mitchell, Skilla Baby, JT, Giovonnie Samuels & Bryan Hearne (from “Quiet on Set”), and more.  ● BONUS! Need summer accessories, clothing, or other lifestyle items? Check out Keke’s new apparel line, "Keke Says." Blame it on the Fame: Milli Vanilli

This podcast details the rise to fame and swift downfall of Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan, the infamous R&B duo known as Milli Vanilli who were taken under the wing of German producer Frank Farian, and quickly discovered – the hard way – the difference between star power and real power. Comedian and actress Amanda Seales (“Insecure,” “The Real”) hosts the series.

The Competition

  The world of pageantry is going through a major reckoning, and journalist/podcaster Shima Oliaee (formerly NPR and “Dolly Parton’s America”) is here to explain what value (or lack thereof) they provide for young girls. When Shima was 17, she competed in the long-running (since 1958) Distinguished Young Women (DYM) contest against 49 other high school senior girls for the big prize – a scholarship – and lost. With the 2024 contest taking place this June in Alabama, Shima takes listeners behind the scenes of this wild contest, following seven contestants to show us what it’s like to be a teen girl in America today.

The Last City

 Not traveling anywhere this summer? How about venturing to the futuristic, utopian land of Pura? This two-part, immersive, cli-fi narrative drama weaves together elements of the climate crisis, its subsequent mental health consequences, and complicated feelings about our shared future, as it explores the brewing mystery beneath Pura’s perfect exterior, while ultimately sharing an inspiring message about the power of humanity to create positive change. Cast members include Rhea Seahorn (“Better Call Saul”), Maury Sterling (“Homeland”), Jeannie Tirado (“Fairy Tale Zero”), Skye Lourie (“The Pillars of the Earth”), and Celia Rose (“Star Trek: Strange New Worlds”). 

Check out these Wondery podcasts based on your individual tastes.  I'm not much for celebrity podcasts, but Keke Palmer is an exception to my own rule. And how the hell did Milli Vanilli fool so many people? Finally, given the recent throne abdications in several key beauty pageants, it's time to reassess the value they bring to society and to the participants.

[mrshcloset]

Under God’s Wings

I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. Psalm 61:4

READ Psalm 61

LISTEN ONLINE

There are several Canada goose families with baby geese at the pond near our home. The little goslings are so fluffy and cute; it’s hard not to watch them when I go for a walk or run around the pond. But I’ve learned to avoid eye contact and give the geese a wide berth—otherwise, I risk a protective goose parent suspecting a threat and hissing and chasing me!

The image of a bird protecting her young is one that Scripture uses to describe God’s tender, protective love for His children (Psalm 91:4). In Psalm 61, David seems to be struggling to experience God’s care in this way. He’d experienced God as his “refuge, a strong tower” (v. 3), but now he called desperately “from the ends of the earth”, pleading, “lead me to the rock that is higher than I” (v. 2 ). He longed to once more “take refuge in the shelter of [God’s] wings” (v. 4).

And in bringing his pain and struggles to God, David took comfort in knowing that He’d heard him (v. 5). Because of God’s faithfulness, he knew he would “ever sing in praise of [His] name” (v. 8).

Like the psalmist, when we feel distant from God’s love, we can run back to His arms to be assured that even in our pain, He’s with us, protecting and caring for us as fiercely as a mother bird guards her young.

By Monica La Rose

REFLECT & PRAY

How does it encourage you to remember God’s protective care for you? How have you experienced His care?

Dear God, thank You for Your fierce, protective love for me. Help me to rest securely in Your tender care.

SCRIPTURE INSIGHT

In Psalm 61, David describes his longing for God’s presence with metaphors of a “rock that is higher than I” (v. 2), a “refuge” or “strong tower” (v. 3), a “tent” and “the shelter of [God’s] wings” (v. 4). The combined reference to God’s “tent” and the “shelter of [His] wings” may allude to the cherubim wings on the tabernacle ( Exodus 25:20). During God’s deliverance of His people from Egypt, He gave instructions for the building of a tabernacle through which He’d dwell with His people in a powerful and tangible way (v. 8). Later, the temple, modelled after the tabernacle, would become the centralized place to experience His presence. It also contained sculpted cherubim with wings in the inner sanctuary (1 Kings 6:23–27). Today, believers in Jesus experience God’s presence through His Spirit who dwells within us ( 1 Corinthians 3:16).

Monica La Rose

[stylecouncil]

“Sundays were the nearest to a non-stressful period that I can remember in our house. The aroma of food hit the spot and the radio soothed with its own diet of strangely britlove sounds.’Oh, I love this one,’ my mother would say as Ernest Luft stroked the clouds with ‘Oh For The Wings Of A Dove.’

Her voice would soar in ambitious unison, effortlessly matching Ernest note for note as she delivered the gravy boat to the table. ‘All our family could sing’ she’d inform my father and me. ‘We couldn’t do much else but we all loved music. It was thought I’d have a career in music at one time.’

‘But I didn’t have the chance did I, I had to work for a living. Then you came along and put paid to any plans I might have had in that direction.’ At first when this slow-burning accusation began its build, my dad would try and defuse the situation with a joke or a sympathetic rejoinder, but not wanting her platform taken, my mother would whirl her unwelcome bitterness at life’s unfairness, around her head and around the room.

By the age of ten, I knew these pronouncements of my mothers backwards, and I’d intone them under my breath along with her, counting down the seconds to when she’d be finished so I could listen to the Little Richard song on the radio properly, compassionately forgiving myself the ignoble act of being born with the fast growing realization that if I were Little Richard I wouldn’t have to live here any more. And she’d be free to go and sing, too. And dad would have the house to himself without her berating him for some injustice or other that life had delivered her.”

- David Bowie (1998) from an abandoned journal series his website meant to be about early influences (discontinued after only a few entries) which turned into a quite evocative and interesting vignette/insight into his childhood.

further context:

“That Bowie’s relationship with his mom was at best strained is obvious in the Dick Cavett and Russell Harty interviews in the mid 1970s. In 1974, when Dick Cavett asks what his mother tells the neighbors about him, Bowie responds that likely she pretends he “isn’t hers” and adds he was never close to his mother. A year later, Harty says his mother has been a “bit tearful” that he hasn’t been in touch, but Bowie refuses to comment. …

From 1998 to 2006, one of the features for subscribers only of his official site, davidbowie.com, were Bowie’s occasional journal entries – now I suppose they’ed be blog posts – (the last one is from 2006, by the way). Usually they are light – what galleries he has visited, bands he’s heard, preparations for various shows – but very briefly the week before Christmas 1998 he posted several uncharacteristically intimate anecdotes about his childhood. Bowie called them, “The Early Ears” and it seemed like his thrust was going to be early musical influences, but what he ended up talking about was what it was like to be the child of Peggy Burns Jones.” (X)

[tuffduff]

But...I Like You (Dave Mustaine x Reader)

Pairing: fluff Dave Mustaine x female reader

Words: 2,384

Summary: Dave’s never been one for the holidays or romance, not until one fateful day at the laundromat changes everything. Suddenly, he finds himself seeing The Nutcracker and wonders just what lengths he’d go for this girl.

Taglist: @ubernoxa @the--blackdahlia @reigns420 @stradlin-cold-heartbreaker @rumoured-whispers

Dave couldn’t recognize himself in the mirror. His frame was wrapped in a new and unusually lavish coat, the first coat he owned that actually fit him—hell, the first coat he had bought ever. There was a scarf around his neck made of something called cashmere, something he never thought he would have adorning his body. Most notable, however, was the look of glassy fear in his eyes.

He had let go of general fear a long time ago. Fear held him back, and he wasn’t about to let anything hold him back. And who the fuck cares, really? But there it was again, that little uncertain glimmer making his eyes frown. He couldn’t decide what he didn’t like more—his outfit or the look on his face.

When he walked out to the living room of his apartment, he nearly tried to sneak back into his room, but Junior and Jeff had already caught sight of him.

“Woah there, is that you, Dave? Are you under there?” Jeff teased and Dave was already glaring.

“Man, where are you going, huh? I didn’t realize you even owned this outfit.” Junior added, to which Dave felt less anger, so he focused on him, rather than Jeff—who he still wanted to punch.

“To see a show.” He said curtly, trying to close the conversation forcefully, of course, to no avail.

“You’re not going to the movies dressed like that. Where are you actually going?” Jeff joked, glancing at Junior to be backed up.

“I never said movie.” Dave retorted, glaring at the guitarist before he gathered his wallet and looked for his keys.

“So, where are you really going?”

“I’m going to see a production, it’s at the Opera House, it’s a little more upscale—”

“Opera House? You’re going to see an opera?” Jeff exploded

“No.” Dave snapped, growing more annoyed.

“What does this mean for Megadeth?” Jeff just kept pestering until Dave finally yelled.

“It’s the fucking Nutcracker!” Jeff and Junior were silent before they began to laugh. “Look, it wasn’t my idea—clearly. The San Francisco Ballet Company is doing their annual show, apparently they were the first in the US to produce a full-length production, and Y/N really wanted to go…”

“Oh,” Junior realized, leaning his head back with a knowing look on his face that made Dave glare again. “Y/N.”

“Yeah, shut up about it.” Dave snapped. Jeff looked between them.

“Y/N? Who’s Y/N?”

“This girl Dave met a while back at the laundromat.” Jeff raised an eyebrow.

“Think you met ‘the one’ at the laundromat, huh?” Jeff said incredulously. Dave sent another glare at Junior before he finally saw his keys laying on the kitchen counter and snatched them up.

“You’ll never be capable of knowing what I think, Jeff. You lack the brain cells.” He snapped, leaving the apartment. Outside, he let out a breath that he could see in the air.

Was he being too harsh on his band mates? No, never that. Was he being defensive? Maybe. Was he being stupid? Yes.

Stupid for letting you actually make him have these little daydreams littering his head for the past few weeks.

It started at the laundromat, yes, but Dave wasn’t the type of man that idealized romantic prospects. The light didn’t hit you in a certain way and the angels didn’t sing like the way it always did in those cliche romance movies. Rather, you dropped your entire load of laundry on the floor in front of him.

“Shoot,” you had sighed, merely looking at the garments of clothing with disdained tiredness. As he watched it all unfold, he had imagined what he would do in that moment—probably react in some type of anger—and watched as a smile came across your face before you looked directly at him. It was just a brief moment, but Dave felt like he was confined to that chair for an hour. Like he’d never been seen before in his life until that moment, in the dimly lit dingy laundromat.

“It must be Monday.” You said, before calmly getting on your knees and beginning to put the clothes back in the basket. For some reason, he found himself next to you.

“It’s Sunday.” He corrected you, to which you laughed.

“Even worse.”

His hand landed on a Led Zeppelin shirt to which he glanced over at you. “You a fan?”

“Yeah! Love them. How can you go wrong with them?” You eyed him again longer than he expected and he nearly winced when you narrowed them speculatively. “You look familiar.”

“I’m in a band.” He admitted, before too quickly adding, “Megadeth.” He hoped to see realization light your eyes, but you shook your head.

“No. Maybe I’ve seen your face on MTV?”

“There’s a chance.”

“I was joking.” You laughed. “But clearly, you’re not, huh. You know, there’s a record store across the street. Prove it.” You smiled at him.

The both of you left your laundry to be washed and headed over to the local record shop decorated with string Christmas lights on the roof and frosted windows. He bought their latest for you So Far, So Good…So What? and briefly gave you quick insight about where he got the name of the band from, song titles, why he enjoyed music...

Okay, he spilled his guts. He couldn’t stop talking. But that wasn’t his fault—you were hanging onto his every word. You listened, really listened; you seemed to listen more than anyone he had ever spoken to. More than that, you seemed to understand. And so, he went back to the laundromat next week at the same exact time, walking as quick as he could and hating that fact that he was doing so, until he felt relief when he saw you inside again.

You remembered him too—you smiled when you saw him. “It must be Sunday, huh?”

“Got it right this time.” He replied with a smirk.

Dave was aware he could talk someone’s ear off. He had a lot to say about the world and its affairs and usually didn’t care a whole lot about other people’s thoughts—they were usually stupid. But you, he made an active attempt to listen to. He listened rather than spoke, and when he did speak, he would ask questions, trying to get to know you on an even deeper level. And just as he assumed, you kept his attention better than anyone else.

You had a way of looking at the world from a completely different perspective than him. Like it was something to be solved. Like a bad thing didn’t mean it was the end of the road. That nothing really stays dead, that every little thing has a purpose, a meaning.

“Surely that’s not true.” Dave finally said. “Not every single thing has a meaning. Some things are just the way they are and that’s the way it is.” You just smiled at him.

“If it weren’t for the fact that my washer broke, I wouldn’t have come here. And if it weren’t for the fact that I thought it was Monday—my usual laundry day—instead of Sunday, I wouldn’t have met you.”

Dave didn’t understand the way his heart pounded a little harder. He wondered if he imagined the way your eyes stared a little too long at his and felt absolutely stupid for even having such a thought. And yet, he couldn’t stop staring. He couldn’t keep his eyes from wandering down your body. He couldn’t stop himself from telling David about you.

Oh, he knew exactly what was happening. He was strapped in on a rollercoaster ride and he was nearing the drop, unable to do nothing but watch as he felt things he’d never felt before. The whole reason he pursued guitar playing was to pick up girls; he had had lots of girls. And you, you weren’t like them. You seemed to admire him for being in a band, but you were more interested in why he hated breakfast and never ate it. Or why he didn’t like Christmas.

“This doesn’t just make you automatically happy?” You questioned him, gesturing to the atmosphere that surrounded the two of you. Your meetings had upgraded to a coffee shop. Dave didn’t drink coffee, but he watched you order a hot chocolate and realized maybe that was okay and ordered the same.

“What? The crowds, the god-awful music, the annoying lights everywhere, everyone’s ugly sweaters?” You grinned and laughed, and he wished the sound could be pumped out of the shop’s speakers rather than “Jingle Bells.”

“It’s just the time of year when everything is supposed to go right.” You ignored him, smiling a little. “When I was a kid, I used to go and see The Nutcracker with my family every year. The San Francisco Ballet Company started it—they had the first full length production back in 1944. Or at least, that’s what my mom said.”

“I’m guessing they’ve got shows going on with it being so close to Christmas.” Dave wasn’t sure why he was saying that. You nodded.

“Yeah, their last show is Sunday.”

“Why don’t we go?” You were just as surprised as he was.

“What? You’re kidding. A ballet doesn’t seem very up your alley, Mr. Megadeth.”

“Try me, think I’m just some metal knucklehead that couldn’t appreciate it?”

“I don’t think you would like it.”

“Maybe I will, you don’t know me.” You chuckled, but still appeared unsure, which only made him more determined. “Look, you said you haven’t been in forever. I’m in a good place this year after the album, those tickets will be nothing. It’s on me. So, if I were you, I would just agree before I change my mind.”

“Well...alright.”

And here he was outside this damn theater, pulling on his coat, knowing his hair was out of place despite that fact that he had tied it back. He was still getting strange looks by the crowd of couples walking arm in arm into the theater, telling him without words that he didn’t belong.

“Dave?” He heard from behind him and turned. He was already thinking of some kind of dry teasing reply, but all words left his head at the sight of you, dressed nicer than he’d seen you yet, every hair in place. “Look at you! You own a scarf?” He scoffed, feeling a smirk grow on his face.

“Stole it from a guy on my way here.” He joked to make you laugh. To his surprise, you also leaned in and kissed his cheek. As if that’s just what you did. All of it was so foreign; you, this theater, this ballet show. And he was a puzzle piece that shouldn’t fit.

“Shall we?” You asked. He was still trying to find the words to compliment you, but instead, he nodded.

In your seats with the lights down, Dave alternated his time from watching the stage and the dancers to the other audience members, young and old alike. All of them seemed to fit each other’s company, each other’s social circle; he was the anomaly.

And then there was you, which he elected to watch for the rest of his time. The way your eyes quickly flitted back and forth as you took in the sight, your eyebrows raising, how you’d hold your breath for a second at the really dramatic parts.

All of a sudden, there was you, sweeter than a sugar plum, somehow embodying all the niceness everyone said Christmas was supposed to be about. Thanks to you, he was out of his element, and he felt like he was meant to be there. After all, where did he really belong anyway?

Did it matter if he could be anywhere with you?

“So?” You asked him eagerly after the show when the lights came back on. The two of you sat in your seats as everyone around you stood, in no hurry.

“You’re going to be surprised to hear this, but there are a lot of similarities between classical music and metal. Really, Tchaikovsky’s stuff isn’t so different than—”

“I meant the show! The story! Oh, did you see the costumes?” You laughed, and he smiled, shaking his head at you.

“To be honest, I was watching you most of the time.” You seemed startled by his words, and he took your speechlessness as the chance to keep going. “I couldn’t find the words to tell you earlier how beautiful you look. Really, this whole night I just kept thinking that maybe it was a mistake. That I’m not the type of guy that comes here, I’m the guy playing in the sleazy, dark club on the bad side of town. But I was wrong. And I’m glad I came; I should have done it right though. I should’ve brought you flowers, picked you up, I should’ve complimented you as soon as I saw you, I should have kissed you when you kissed my cheek—”

“Dave.” You interrupted him calmly, taking his hand in yours and giving him an ever-growing smile. “You have no idea how much this means to me. Christmas is my favorite time of the year, but this year it’s been so hectic, and I haven’t been able to really enjoy it...until now. That was all I actually wanted. I don’t care about the flowers.” He stared at you for a second before he smiled.

“That’s all?” He asked before he leaned in closer, grazing the side of your cheek with his lips as he whispered. “You don’t want one more thing?” He felt your hand rest on his cheek and turned his head to press his lips to yours, savoring the moment and realizing he had never really been kissed before, not like this.

“Well, I guess that too.” You mumbled with that sweet smile on your face before you looked up at him with big eyes. “Okay but really, was it up to your standards, or was I right all along?”

“I hate Christmas. And I don’t really enjoy the things that come with it.” He admitted with a keen smirk as he pulled back, and you giggled. He let himself enjoy the feeling of your face cradled between his hands, so used to always cradling a guitar, this new sensation—skin-on-skin—was intoxicating. As were your lips, that he leaned in again to steal another kiss from. “But...I like you.”

[letterboxd]

Beautiful Day: The Don Hertzfeldt Q&A.

In which the singular creator of It’s Such a Beautiful Day and the World of Tomorrow trilogy answers 57 questions put to him by the Letterboxd community, about death, gills, snacks, back flips, the best time of day to watch a movie, and the sick pleasure of emotionally destroying people.

Since his first animated outings in the 1990s, filmmaker Don Hertzfeldt has had a way of staring deeply into humanity’s soul via a humble stick figure, and his skill at blending existential questions with situational humor breeds intense reactions. To browse Letterboxd reviews of Hertzfeldt’s animated works is to meet film lovers at a rare, collective gathering point: heaping great piles of love for films that do “the exact opposite of helping with depression”.

There’s something optimistically anti-feel-good in Hertzfeldt’s works; a bleak view of the future, and a frank appreciation of death’s inevitability, that makes viewers urgently want to fix the way they’re living right now. “I’ve built a lot of my life philosophy on the messages of this film,” writes Misty, of his acclaimed It’s Such a Beautiful Day. “It has kicked my ass completely,” writes Dirk of the first, Oscar-nominated World of Tomorrow instalment, “making me angry at myself for letting trivial stuff take over things I love and making me happy I have so very, very much in my life to enjoy and be grateful for.”

The filmmaker’s magic lies as much in the process as the content: “Hertzfeldt is able to make every moment count,” writes Artpig, of the second WoT instalment, The Burden of Other People’s Thoughts, “every line of dialogue, every moment of silence, every note of music, every line of animation.” The World of Tomorrow films, says animation expert Toussaint Egan in our Letterboxd Show animation episode, are “some of the best science fiction films, period”.

And his timing. Oh, his timing. Just as the northern hemisphere days were turning cold, and the drawn-out misery of the pandemic was really taking hold all over again, Hertzfeldt tweeted:

WORLD OF TOMORROW EPISODE THREE everywhere october 9 5pm est 🚀

— don hertzfeldt (@donhertzfeldt)

October 8, 2020

And like that, World of Tomorrow Three: The Absent Destinations of David Prime was ours, an overnight gift to the quarantined and bereaved-weary, on Vimeo for all to rent or own. The gifts, they keep coming: a master list of movies that have their fingerprints on the World of Tomorrow universe, and now, in recognition of our community’s love for his films—and in his signature lower-case—the answers to questions asked in an exclusive Letterboxd Q&A.

To make things easier for Don, we grouped similar questions (and have noted which members asked what). Read on for more than you ever thought you might get to know about Hertzfeldt’s process, brain, heart and influences.

Filmmaker Don Hertzfeldt.

From “holograms that yell at you!” to the stunning colors, textures and folds of the blue mountains, to attributes David progressively deletes to make room for memories, would you please give us an insight into World of Tomorrow Three’s world-building process? —Letterboxd in the grand scheme of the series, episodes one and two still felt like baby steps to me. episode three was my first chance to really start blowing things up and exploring this universe. when i’m writing, i don’t want to worry about going over the top or think about structure or meaning or really much of anything yet. writing is playtime, it should be fun and messy. i want to go over the top. there is no top. i don’t want to start thinking too much until i’m rewriting and sorting through it all. thinking too much too soon can get in the way, like being too aware of when you’re trying to fall asleep. when you write a diary entry or a text to a friend, there’s no self-consciousness or creative blocks, you just write. it’s casual and fluid and automatic. but if you’re asked to write a term paper or a screenplay, suddenly all those lights turn off. it can be paralyzing. it’s hard to get to that place of truly not caring what anyone thinks and approach all forms of writing just as freely as writing those immediate thoughts in your diary. but that’s what i try to do.

When you start writing a new piece, do you usually start with a plot idea, a thematic idea, one uniform philosophical notion, or a little bit of each? —Kodiak J. Sanders, Trenz, Mr. Tables i don’t think i ever write in a straight line. i’ll jot down a hundred stray ideas over time, and one day i’ll sit down and see what connections might be made out of them. i really want this scene to be in the movie, so how do i get there? this is a good line, how can i get a character to say it? so the actual story usually only starts to reveal itself when i sit down to logic all these bits and pieces out. hey, in order to connect this strange idea to that strange idea, suddenly there is a very interesting third scene.

I’m astounded by how much the animation and the visuals improve with each instalment of World of Tomorrow. What have you done differently for each one? —Aske Lund, Cringetacular the characters needed to physically perform a lot more in episodes two and three so there were more demands put on the animation. when emily 4 dances or david staggers up a mountain, those sorts of scenes were animated in “ones”, which means doing 24 drawings per second versus my usual twelve. it’s still all 2D hand animation, just more of a classic disney approach that gives the movement a smoother look and a little more room for nuance. and obviously it takes a lot more work. but i hesitate to call such things improvements because i’m not sure i like the idea of different techniques being thought of as good or bad. it’s just another way of doing things. it really depends, sometimes super limited animation can be more effective.

Likewise, Part Three’s sound design is incredible. What conditions did you create it in, and what are all those sounds, and how do you have such an incredible command of the cut-to-silence trick?! —Letterboxd thanks, the sound design is always my favorite thing to do. other than julia’s lines, it’s easy to forget that all the animation starts with dead silence. obviously there’s no sound coming from a live-action set. so adding sound and music to everything, usually pretty late in production, is when all the stuff i’ve been working on suddenly starts to feel like an actual movie. this is not a future that works very well—particularly david’s, which predates everything else we’ve seen so far by a century or two—so you’re hearing a lot of creaky old hard drives booting up, electric distortions, and bent circuits from broken toys.

Emily and Emily Prime in a still from ‘World of Tomorrow’ (2015).

World of Tomorrow used to fill me with existential dread, but now with the current state of the world it’s become more and more comforting in a strange way. Do you feel that at all as you make new episodes? —mariano gg i wish that were possible but when i’m making something i’m usually so close to it i’m unable to see anything but all the things i need to fix.

Can you talk a little bit about sourcing the photo-realistic images for the backgrounds in Part Three? —Jack Moulton most of the environments were 2D images i built in photoshop, usually starting from close-up photos of different textures (like sandstone), all sort of reshaped and puzzle-pieced into something new. an easy to see example was david’s cockpit, which was cobbled together from all sorts of different old aircraft engine and machine parts. the trick in building and lighting these locations was always figuring out where the line was drawn in making these places realistic, but not too realistic for minimal characters to inhabit. i kept landing on a sort of painterly looking middle ground.

If the cloning process in World of Tomorrow existed right now, would you go through that process and create clones of yourself to prolong your life? —tim probably not, that process doesn’t seem to work so well.

If you were put into the world you’ve created, would you buy gills? —Lauren Torres i tend to avoid putting my head under because i almost always get water in my ears so i guess i wouldn’t need them. gills also seem like they’d be a real nuisance to keep clean.

What does love mean, and why do your characters go through so much effort to find it? —Andrew Michalko oh man.

In this year of years, what do you hope people will understand about death and its inevitability (or is it all there on the screen, and if so, that’s okay too)? —Letterboxd understanding death and its inevitability is maybe the most valuable thing a person can do for themselves.

Was the absence of Emily Prime in Part Three a practical decision [Don’s then-four-year-old niece Winona provided Emily’s voice] or an intentional departure from the first two films? —Michael it was both. i couldn’t find a way to fit her in naturally and i also felt like the series needed to start growing in other directions and not rest on the past. episode two had also been really difficult to write, it was so reliant on winona’s recordings, and it felt like the dam was really broken when i was finally able to write without any restrictions this time.

In a series like World of Tomorrow, where you headed in a direction that is a lot more plot-driven than your previous work, how far in advance do you plan? Did you always know this was in David’s past, or are these stories told one at a time? —Ryan Welch, Kodiak J. Sanders, julius, Alex Leon i could tell early on that this wasn’t a story like it’s such a beautiful day with a clear beginning, middle and end, but a much wilder thing that could continue to grow. the openness of it is still what makes it so interesting to me. i have all sorts of notes for the next episodes but if i already knew what would happen in episode nine i think that would take a lot of the air out of the tires and i’d start to feel like i was just connecting the boring dots. while writing, i’ve also had to be aware that there someday might be an episode nine so i can’t go wrecking the timelines before i get there.

What were the rocks and the gas pump that Emily fell in love with meant to represent? —Ekaneff she was learning how to love, and like all of us, in her youth she gravitated to a bunch of individuals that were wrong for her.

Aside from the ability to release more frequently, is there something about the episodic structure that you prefer/appreciate, as opposed to creating one larger feature-length film? —SiddFinch1 there’s just more freedom. the traditional running time of a feature film, 90 to 120 minutes, is a totally arbitrary number.

Have you ever considered writing a World of Tomorrow book or graphic novel? —Jay Smith the earliest ideas for world of tomorrow were sloshing around in a graphic novel called the end of the world that came out in 2013. but i don’t have any talent or much confidence in making another book like that. it’s a different world. when i look at someone like chris ware and then look at something like the end of the world, it’s like, “wow, baby made a mess”.

A page from Don Hertzfeldt’s graphic novel, ‘The End of the World’ (2013).

What attracted you to the unique style [of minimalist stick figures]? Is there a sense of intimacy that you feel you can achieve with this simplicity? —Evan Whitford when i was little, before i wanted to make movies i wanted to be a newspaper cartoonist. i think my drawings today might have more in common with newspaper comics than the sort of characters you usually see in animation. comic-strip panels were always composed in a very reserved way because they were generally intended to be skimmed. you needed to be able to read the strip in five seconds so you could be off to read the sports pages and obituaries. the comics pages were also under constant size and space restrictions. so they were minimal by design and the artists reduced their characters to only their most essential parts. there was no room for fussing. charles schulz said “i only draw what’s necessary”. and that’s actually incredibly hard to do. you’re accomplishing so much more with so much less.

i’ve also found that if there’s a scene that’s not playing right and bothering me, most of the time it’s because my composition was too cluttered. i almost always find myself removing things from the frame and trying to pare it down to only what’s necessary. very rarely do i ever think ‘i need to add more stuff in here’. because this shot is only five seconds long and i want you to be looking over here when this moment happens and this character says something, and if you’re distracted by this other flickering junk i put in the corner it’s going to throw everything off.

Animation-aside, which creative medium do you resonate with the most? —Bronkdan music.

How much did you pull from real-life experiences to make It’s Such A Beautiful Day, if any? What research did you conduct into memory? —Gunnar Sizemore, David Sigura, Micah Smith whenever i got a little stuck writing it’s such a beautiful day, i’d go back and reread my journal and pull more things out of it. dreams, conversations, small scenes. reading the journal now, it seems like i stole something from it every few pages. i also heavily researched neurological problems. it’s never said in the movie what exactly’s going on with bill, but i needed there to be a real diagnosis to base the medical writing on. so all the things he’s going through are real treatments or symptoms based on an actual condition. i didn’t want to ever come out and say, “he’s got terminal brain clouds”, or whatever in the movie, because then it becomes a “brain-cloud movie”, and that’s too easy for the audience to compartmentalize and distance themselves from… “brain clouds are so rare, that will never happen to me”. but not being told exactly what’s wrong with bill might help make the story more relatable and universal.

In what ways have you kept your mind fresh creatively? How do you keep yourself from slipping into complacency? —Watchmoviez, Drew’s reviews most creative blocks or stagnation come from anxiety, second-guessing and doubt. over the years i’ve learned to just sort of calm down and trust myself more. it’s like the old aesop fable: when you stop thrashing around in the water, the water becomes clearer and you can see more. if a scene isn’t working right, i can more easily chill out about it these days and trust that i’ll eventually figure it out—because i’ve figured these sorts of things out a hundred times before and i know by now that i’m not the sort of person who’s just going to allow a scene that isn’t working to remain in the movie. there’s a little more panic about that sort of thing when you’re young: “oh no, the movie sucks right now, will it always suck?!” i’ve reached the point where i know that i will not let it suck. and that sort of thinking allows all the movie gears to turn more easily.

Do you have a specific thematic, emotional or other miscellaneous motive in mind when including classical music pieces? —James Y. Lee when i’m listening to music and suddenly the right piece arrives, it’s usually blindingly obvious to me: there’s just no doubt this needs to be in the movie somehow. it’s like the idea has always existed and i’ve just finally uncovered it. it’s the same with writing. when the right thing floats along, it is striking and obvious and into the pile of notes it goes.

How much of your animation style lends itself to experimentation, such as discovering new tricks and pretty shots, that is then discarded if you learn it doesn’t work as intended? —Adam, Jacob i think i’m always experimenting. i figure if it doesn’t work, at least i’ve learned something.

What is the strangest compliment or critique you’ve gotten personally or of your work? —Elliot Taylor i’ve always remembered this one. i am so proud of you came out a couple years after everything will be ok. it was a continuation of that story, so it was basically the first time i had ever made a sequel. and everything will be ok had done really well when it came out. it won sundance and got all these great reviews. so i am so proud of you comes out and i remember reading this review that says, “everything will be ok was probably my favorite animated short of all time. it honestly changed my life. it was funny, sad, beautiful and just so wonderful. everything will be ok, boy did i love it. incredible. two thumbs up. truly, best thing ever. wow. so, unfortunately, its sequel, i am so proud of you, just feels like more of the same.”

A still image from ‘It’s Such a Beautiful Day’ (2012).

Are there any pieces of fiction that have influenced your work that we probably wouldn’t think of? —Gyani Wasp, Mikolaj Perzyna, Aaron McMillan, Harrison, Axel, Cringetacular, The25centman, Hunter Guidry one thing that pops to mind is the phantom tollbooth. my favorite children’s books were the ones with all the fun metaphors and clever wordplay. when i was plotting out episode two i wanted to lean into that, where visiting different sections of emily’s brain would be like milo visiting the land of math, the land of letters, the land of sound, with different looks and logic to it. so we had the bog of realism, glimmers of hope, broken memories, the logic center, and all the stuff in triangle land and square land. i guess that’s a lot but i wish there had been a bit more.

How did your friends and family respond to the “my anus is bleeding” part of Rejected? —Alex Tatterson they were pretty used to me by then.

Do you know of the work of David Firth, the internet animator? His work is also surreal and has dark humor, but more sinister than whimsical. Would you ever consider making an animation in the realm of horror in future? —KEVIИ HДWKIИS i’m afraid i don’t know him. i’d love to make a horror movie. from a certain point of view though maybe it could be argued that most everything i’ve made is a sort of horror movie?

My first tattoo is of Billy from Billy’s Balloon hanging from his ankle and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. How do you feel about people having your work tattooed and do you have any ink from other creatives that have meant something to you? —Elias it really fucking enrages me when people get my stuff tattooed on them. no just kidding. mostly i feel embarrassed but i’m glad you haven’t changed your mind about it yet. sometimes i wonder how many people have.

Have you ever thought about directing live action? —Abeer, Noah Thompson yes.

Is there an update on your feature film Antarctica? —Rylan California it’s one of many things swirling around.

Will you do a remake of Robocop and why not next year? —Simon no, because robocop is already sort of perfect.

Do you ever see yourself directing a large studio film? Or working with a large team to make something with a higher budget, maybe through a crowd-funded project? Or do you just strongly prefer working on your own? —Vteyshev, Monotone Duck sure. i’ve never preferred working on my own at all. it was usually just the only way to ever get anything made. i haven’t had the funding to pay a big crew, or really much of a crew at all. there’s the old saying: you can make something good, you can make it fast, and you can make it cheap, but you can only pick two. if you make it good and fast it won’t be cheap, if you make it cheap and fast it won’t be good, etc. so my only route in hoping to make something good and cheap has been to totally forget about making it fast.

What did you find digital animation added or took away from your work, and what did those changes do for your storytelling? Will you continue using the digital medium when/if you decide to move on from the World of Tomorrow project? —Alec Lai, Slipkornbizkit, Aldo digital just sped everything up. it’s still one person drawing everything, so we need to remember that speed is relative here, but i felt like i went from riding a bicycle to driving a car. there are many pleasant, wonderful things about riding a bicycle but you’re not going to get anywhere very quickly. and i’m not in my 20s anymore, in fact my 20s and 30s were mostly entirely devoured by making movies in what was maybe the slowest way possible. so these days i am appreciating the speed of digital.

If you could have a conversation with any filmmaker, dead or alive, who would it be and why? —ToBeHonest, Cringetacular if i could resurrect one of my heroes from the dead i think i would feel terrible wasting his time forcing him to have a conversation with me. he might also just sit there, covered with graveyard dirt, screaming in horror.

What is the best time of day to watch a movie? —Sammy night. i always feel a little nuts coming out of a movie and the sun is still up.

What’s your all-time favorite science-fiction film, and why? —Letterboxd 2001. because come on.

What is your favorite of Julia Potts’ films, and why? —Letterboxd i like the one with the severed foot.

Are there any animated films that you felt had a profound impact on you as a child? —Sprizzle probably fantasia. and ray harryhausen stuff. whenever there was a sunday-afternoon movie on TV, my brother and i learned that if in the opening titles there was a credit for “special effects” we should keep watching because we might eventually see something cool.

Which one of your movies is your personal favorite? —Jakob Böwer, RodrigoJerez i don’t know. sometimes it’s the newest one because it’s usually the one with the most experience behind it and therefore feels like it has the fewest mistakes. but then over time i realize they’re all riddled with mistakes. of the it’s such a beautiful day pieces, i think my favorite has always been i am so proud of you. and then i’ll see reviews that say “clearly the second chapter is the weakest one”, and i’ll think, man you guys don’t know what you’re talking about.

One of Don’s layout sketches for ‘I Am So Proud of You’ (2008).

What’s your favorite Pixar film? —Jordan inside out.

What film would you want to be the last one you watch before you die? —Gavin honestly if i’m in the process of dying i hope i won’t be watching movies at all.

Do you have faith in humanity? —Connor Kriechbaum not often.

What is something that worries you about where humankind is headed? —Felix_Bouchard social media.

What is the most valuable thing you have ever lost? How often do you think about it? —Siminup well now i’m getting sad.

Can you do a back flip, mister Don? —Doug maybe with the help of a catapult.

What is your take on the after life? What do you think happens to us when we die? —Luisdecoss i guess that it’s probably a lot like our memory of what the year 1823 was like.

Do you want anything from McDonald’s? —Andrew Rhyne only if i’m in an airport and desperate.

What’s your favorite meal or snack? —Pfitzerone, Evan lately in quarantine i’ve been discovering this particular breakfast burrito.

How’s your quarantine life, Don? —Ivan Arcena it’s okay thanks. eating lots of breakfast burritos.

Hi! I can’t believe you’re going to read this. I am currently filled with an unparalleled amount of joy, wow. This is a long shot but here I go. I’m 17 and your (self-proclaimed) biggest fan. I’ve seen It's Such a Beautiful Day eight times now and every single time I pick up on more details. I’ve watched a few of your interviews and in the AFS one about Rejected you said that the louder you play a movie, the funnier it is. On my seventh watch of It’s Such a Beautiful Day I hooked my laptop up to three huge speakers and I must say—you were so, so right. I made a video essay about the movie. Lol, I’m not sure if this will get to you but Michael Jordan once said something about missing shots or not taking shots or maybe about tequila, I am unsure but I know it was important. Thanks MJ. Not you, Mr Jackson. I’m sorry Ms. Jackson…

I actually do have a question, sorry about the rambling. Every single time I watch the guy at the payphone flip his pencil and go “fantastic, fantastic” I cry. And I think what really does it for me is that “we’ll finally have our day”. Earlier in the movie, Bill’s co-worker talks about how all of time is happening at once. So what I constantly ask myself is if the guy at the payphone is simultaneously having his day and waiting for it. And I’m no longer speaking to that one specific example or even to the movie as a whole but I guess I’m wondering if the idea of all events happening at once comforts you?

In Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut writes: “The most important thing I learned on Tralfamadore was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past, so it is very silly for people to cry at his funeral. All moments past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist.” When I read this I immediately thought about your movie. I think the idea of all of time happening at once makes all of life feel less important but more special. You know? Anyway, I suppose I’d just like to know what inspired the lines about time in the office scene. This isn’t much of a question, more an incoherent ramble but thank you so, so much for all you’ve done. I feel so incredibly inspired and so deeply moved by your work and I know that so many people in this comment section and around the world would agree. I can’t believe I’ve been given the opportunity to ask something. It really is such a beautiful day. :) —Eli Osei (co-signed by Vooder) that old guy at the payphone was someone i saw at the laundromat once and he borrowed my pencil and the whole thing just played out like in the movie. i just thought it was such a perfect little scene that i’d just witnessed. anyway, the idea of time being a landscape and everything taking place “at once” just came straight out of a science magazine. i don’t know how, but apparently it’s been more or less proven to be true? we perceive time in one direction, but the past and the future are always all around us. think of it as though we’re driving our car through a landscape. even though the mountains we saw ten minutes ago are behind us now, it doesn’t mean those mountains have ceased to exist. they’ve only ceased to exist from our point of view. we’ve only just driven past them. the mountains, like your childhood, are still going on back there. anyway, i had never heard of that before and thought it needed to be in a movie.

A still from ‘World of Tomorrow Episode Two: The Burden of Other People’s Thoughts’ (2017).

Are you a fan of Kurt Vonnegut by any chance? It may be coincidental, but I love how you both utilize science-fiction settings and concepts like being “unstuck from time/memory” to explore the human condition. I feel his writing and your animation are both capable of making me laugh wholeheartedly one minute and weeping genuine, sorrowful tears the next. —Vooder i’m embarrassed to say i’ve never read him and i’m told on a regular basis that i should. that all started after i am so proud of you came out with those discussions about time being a landscape. but i almost only ever read non-fiction. it’s a long story. but now i’m almost afraid to ever read vonnegut after all these years of build-up.

Hey Don, this is really cool. I don’t have as much of a question, more of a comment. It’s Such A Beautiful Day has gotten me through a lot of hard times, being in middle school sucks, I think everyone knows that: and your movie has made life just a wee bit better for me. It also gave me the inspiration and motivation to finish my first feature! Thanks lots. Love from Indiana —Blood Mountain: Experimental Cinema <3 hey thank you. yeah middle school was pretty much the deepest pit of hell. there’s this old saying, “if you find yourself in hell, keep going”. and i’ve never understood that saying. “keep going”, because, i guess, you can always just go deeper into hell?

Hi! Has the vitreous humour in your eyes started to deteriorate and have you experienced floaters within your eyeballs? If not, that’s okay. Just remember it’s part of life, so don’t get scared when it happens! Just keep moving on! But if you do have them, follow-up question: Do you think it’s funny that the body of vitreous fluid that allows your sight to be clear is called the vitreous humour, and when it detaches it’s anything but humorous? I find that pretty humorous myself, in, like, an ironic way. —Clbert1 i actually blew a blood vessel in my eye a couple weeks ago and the whole thing turned bright blood red. it didn’t hurt or anything, i just walked into the room all disgusting and my girlfriend was like, “what the fuck?!” and then the next day i had further weird eye problems. i just went to the eye doctor yesterday. i think i will be fine but i was thinking, wouldn’t it be like the most heavy metal thing ever for my biography if i just suddenly went BLIND? “and then in 2020, HE WENT BLIND.”

Will Intro ever be released to the general public outside of theater screenings? —Melissa okay yes you’ve talked me into it. on that note, i noticed that the poster of intro used on letterboxd is a weird fake and i’m not sure where it came from. someone just used a picture from rejected. if fake posters are to be made i would prefer it if they used a picture from raiders of the lost ark or something.

Do you have plans to combine the World of Tomorrow shorts into one feature-length film à la It’s Such a Beautiful Day? —David Sigura, Sam Stewart, An_Person no, it’s going to be much longer than a feature-length.

Will we ever get a ‘Hertzfeldt 4K Collection’? Or at least a Blu-ray with It’s Such a Beautiful Day and all episodes of World of Tomorrow? —Teebin, HippityHoppity there is actually already a blu-ray for it’s such a beautiful day. up next we’ll do some sort of world of tomorrow blu-ray of the first three episodes. but 4k is too many k’s. you don’t need that many k’s.

Would you ever consider comprising an OST album of all the songs you used and mixed from your films? —PhiloDemon i don’t think so. i read that for many years cat stevens resisted releasing his original songs from harold and maude on any records because he thought they were more special if you could only ever hear them in the movie. i like that.

Do you get a sick kind of pleasure from emotionally destroying people with your movies? —MaxT26 yep.

What’s been your ongoing experience of the outpouring of joy and love of your work? —Henry gratitude. how sad for me if, after all this work, nobody was watching at all.

Related content

Don’s invaluable Twitter thread about “old-school animation camera stuff”

A Few of the Fingerprints on the World of Tomorrow Universe: a list of influences curated for Letterboxd by Don Hertzfeldt

Modest Heroes: the Letterboxd Showdown for indie animation

The Drawn Cinema: Analena’s list of rough animation, pencil textures, watercolor effects, dynamic brushes and other poetic artistry.

Beloved Indie Animation: a list by Gui

Animated Sci-Fi and Fantasy: an extensive list by Stonefolk

‘World of Tomorrow Three: The Absent Destinations of David Prime’ is available now through Bitter Films on Vimeo.

[elizabethsharmon]

Now that s5 has ended what do you think about it? I remember seeing you be quite vocal about the season and then you just stopped and I was just wondering what your general opinion is. Did the fandom scare you away? :(

hey there! I kind of stopped being so loud about the show here cause at some point I just gave up about s5 and don’t worry, it would take a lot for fandom to scare me away and i’ll be back with my usual bullshit in 2 weeks with s6 clip by clip reactions ✌️ anyway, i was going through my archive while writing this to remind myself of what happened in each clip and what were mine and fandom’s reactions to it and somehow when I started writing this, it turned out I can’t stop and it got quite long so I'mputting it under read more:

So first of all may I just say that the trailer/firstclip was one of my favourite clips of all times. It was just SO GOOD and to meit was like a dream come true cause I was talking about dropping a clip andstarting a season on New Year since July AND THEY DID IT AND IT WAS E P I C,such a power move, I love it. Honestly everything worked there, the music wasamazing, it was so wonderful to see both squads partying together, it wasperfect, 11/10.

Then the season started and I absolutely loved thefirst two episodes, we really started to get into Arthur's head, to get to knowhim and his family, find out how insecure he is and how well he's hidingeverything from others, and Arthur and Alexia clips!!!! They worked so welltogether and were so cute and supportive, I said it back then that if they ruinthem I will never forgive them for that because what was the point of makingthem a couple in the first place?? I still don't understand that, I don't thinkI ever will... Fast forward to the first Wednesday of the season aka underwatermale gaze aka the moment I knew we're in for a ride and it won't be a goodone... When the clip started I was over the moon, I'm a swimming hoe myself andI loved that they used the pool for actual swimming, the cinematography wasbeautiful and I loved that they found a way to incorporate Lisa into the story.That was until Arthur dived and saw Noee... and sadly, this was the firstmoment I emotionally yeeted out from the season. Don't even get me started howwrong it was - 1. using the pool which is a sacred place in the show’smythology; 2. using piano music; 3. peak male gaze, objectifying Noee, andArthur staring at her even though HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND; they were setting it upas a love triangle from the beginning and after those 10+ weeks I still havethe same question about it as I had back then: why. It was also the first timefandom started to be hostile and the shipping war began, some people werecoming to my and my friends' inboxes, sending us anons to stop thinking theworse about Arthur, that love triangle will definitely not happen and thatDavid explained on his insta that they used the setting of pool in another waythan it was used in og s3... Well, jokes on you cause we were right. Anyway thatWednesday clip was to me the first red flag of the season, the first momentwhen some people started attacking others, when the fandom police started formingand suddenly you couldn't say anything because someone would jump on you andsend hate.

But I decided to let it slide, hoping that they reallywouldn't go there (spoiler alert: they did) and then we got Friday clips withelu housewarming (i'm still emo!!!) and Arthur losing his hearing permanently.It was absolutely heartbreaking to find out he lost hearing in his left ear 2years ago, it was a real game changer back then and suddenly everything changed- why he was looking at Alexia so intently, why he didn't cover his left ear atnye party, etc. I absolutely LOVED the way they handled the topic at thebeginning with Jerome explaining everything to Arthur and to us and I LOVED thepositive discourse it started within the fandom with deaf/hoh people teachingothers and explaining things without getting mad at silly questions - tbh to meit was one of the best parts of the first half of the season and I'm reallygrateful for it ❤️

Sunday clips with gang were one of my favourite in theseason, I think Arthur took us all by surprise when he went to elu's flat totell the guys that he can't hear and they were chaotic and supporting andamazing and wow, I really don't understand what the fuck happened and wherethey disappeared in the second half of the season. I loved that they hinted aturbex king Eliott and I kinda feel like that might come back in s6....... butanyway. The 7 amclips were absolutely one of the highlights of the season. They helped to buildsome sort of routine and Robin absolutely nailed them, I could feel howpowerless and more frustrated he was feeling AND I also felt betrayed that wedidn't get one on Thursday and Friday. Even though after the first pool clip Iwas dreading every single next clip there, I really liked that they were showingus that Arthur goes there every Wednesday, it really helped to get inside hishead and to understand him more and I kinda wish they hadn't stopped thatbecause it would be a really power move to keep showing that. Alexia in episode2 was just WOW, i can't believe there were people who were saying she andArthur don't have chemistry or that he should break up with her because she'snot supportive - well, she proved you all wrong. Too bad Arthur was too dumband self-absorbed to appreciate that.

BASILE/ARTHUR FRIENDSHIP. All their clips were solovely and heartwarming, I loved how different Basile was in Arthur's pov toBasile we knew at the beginning of s3; when he didn't want to leave Arthuruntil he said back that he loves him :'))) wholesome. I kinda wish we got tosee more of those two, they're definitely hanging out just the two of them andthat's what was lacking for me, those 3 or so clips of just the two of thembeing wholesome buddies were great but they were not enough.

The party clip on Thursday of ep2 was great, I lovedhow they're giving us little insights of deaf/hoh community and showing usArthur getting drawn to it. I wish that it wasn't overshadowed by love triangleand we got more of it, but I'll be back to it later...

Now, episode 3 and 4 were strong in the term of clipsbut those two weeks were incredibly boring when you were watching it in realtime. The breaks were too long, there were three clipless days each episodewith hardly any social media update and at times it made me forget about theshow completely. The bar clip in ep3 was great until they started sayingproblematic shit and tbh I was really starting to stress over Eliott then -first we got a hint that housewarming party was canceled because he wasn't feelingwell, now over a week later he's not feeling well again and Lucas' "he'smy boyfriend and i love him" was very cute and I loved it but it alsostarted to lead to misery porn and this dread didn't leave me until the end ofthe season and I'm still worried that it will play a part in s6 and it won't behandled well (disclaimer: this is not about the fact that they're talking aboutEliott's MI, it's about how Lucas started to act like a martyr and the way theystarted to show him acting almost like Lucille).

Episode 3 was also the time when I think it becameobvious that Arthur's short outburst of communication was gone and we'll haveto deal with next few weeks of miscommunication, sulking and hiding. Beginningof ep4 was another moment for me when I wanted to escape from this seasonbecause of the fandom police - they created as hostile atmosphere for the fanswatching in real time as druck stans did during s3, when you couldn't commentanything or say anything without other people jumping on you, calling you outand hating you, that for a moment again I was ready to give up on the show. Ireally wish I had done it.

As much as I liked stupid gang content in thecafeteria the whole clip was kinda odd and the 1,5 days break between the clipand laser tag was too much. I feel like the pacing in episode 4 really didn'twork in their favour and the clips could've been placed in another order sothat the breaks weren't so long. The laser tag was such a strong clip withbeautiful cinematography and colouring and it showed us Arthur's problems withsensory overload and again - I wish we could find out more about it because inthe end the clip was too short and cut abruptly only for Arthur to go to Noeeto see her dance in a scene that was pure male gaze, where the camera lingeredon her flat, bare stomach, a few times showing close up of her boobs. And yes.I am aware sing language is a bodily language. But the thing is that itcould've been shown differently, without so many objectifying shots, with Noeewearing different clothes, without Arthur staring at her with his jaw dropped.Arthur who - may i remind you - had a girlfriend at that time. I can watchgore, I can watch open surgeries, I can watch blood, and fight, and beating,and all that without the blink of the eye. i could barely watch the clip ofNoee dancing. I've never felt so sick after watching something in my life, Ihad to go offline for a few hours cause I was feeling so unwell. This was sucha fucked up scene to film in such a way, to objectify her, to use male gaze, touse piano music, slow motion, man looking at her in a predatory way, and thisscene was so wrong on so many levels itself but when you add to it the factthat Alexia NEVER got scenes like that and all her dancing scenes showed her basicallyas a quirky friend having fun at parties. And that's disgusting.

But let's move on to episode 5. I loved all the scenesin the asso, I loved that they showed Arthur actually going to LSF classes, Iloved how he confronted his father about it later. Though episode 5 was alsothe start of the boy squad becoming brainless idiots, lying to his friend,plotting behind his back, going to a concert without him. Episode of beautifulcinematography and skating scene that I watched trying not to think about thefact that Arthur is basically having a date with another girl while hisgirlfriend is studying for her bac, of an oblivious guy not wanting to stop itbefore it's too late and everyone's hearts will be broken.... I loved that hesnapped at the guys in the detention clip. I liked the following clip withAlexia, when they made her talk about her insecurities, showed us how strongshe is but also how fragile she is at the same time. But that Sunday of episode6 was the moment I ultimately realized I don't care any more about this season.It was already ruined for me. Alexia opening up, Alexia asking Arthur aboutNoee and him saying the worst ableist shit ever, Arthur breaking Noee'sheart... Those three clips made me realize that for me it's too late, thedamage is done, and I won't be able to enjoy this season for real. Alexia wasbound to get her heart broken, I was pitying Noee because it wasn't her fault aguy she had a crush on kept on leading her for weeks, and Arthur... I dislikedhim more and more and I just wanted it to be over.

I loved all clips with Laura and Melchior, the playfuldynamic in their interactions with Arthur was one of the best things of theseason and I can't stop but think that we could've had the same thing but withArthur, Noee, and Camille. Meanwhile Noee was reduced to manic pixie dreamgirl, a homewrecker, a plot device, and Camille was there only to translate(and later to be Mika's boyfriend). I really liked the clip with Noee andArthur reading her letter about cochlear implant, it was very informative andit was the kind of content I really wanted to see in this season. The onlything I hated about it - which was a recurring theme in clips with Noee... - isthat Arthur kept forgetting about Alexia and this was so unfair to her.

Now. The Valentine's Day. I loved the sourd datingclip, again, it was something that I wanted to see in the season and it was avery strong clip. But then the rest of the episode... I really wish it didn'texist. Jumping to the pool in clothes???? Arthur sharing his deepest trauma andNoee kissing him??? NOEE AND ARTHUR SHIPPERS JUMPING ON PEOPLE SAYING THAT SHEDID IT TO COMFORT HIM???? Sorry guys, I don't know about you but when myfriends are sharing something traumatizing to me I hug them or hold their hand,I don't kiss them with tongue. Also using a flashback??? It doesn’t go wellwith the show’s format, why was it even used???

Episode 8 was... Episode 8 was wild. And weird. Andstrange. And I don't really know what was the point of it. But despiteeverything crackfic farm au was at least entertaining and it was kind ofsomething we needed then after weeks of will they/won't they and hating Arthur.Whipped elu was everything, the fifi saga was hilarious and I rewatched itaround 50 times and it still makes me laugh - Maxence nailed it but ?? what wasthe point? they killed Eliott's bunny so that he would become vegetarian? Theywanted to traumatize him and cause him to have an episode that was cut in theend? (I really wouldn't be surprised, there are 2 clips missing from firstepisodes each, and probably more in the others). I really don't know what wasthe point. The 6h15 or sth clip was funny but if Lucas and Arthur hugging itout cause sorry bro / it's okay bro / bro / bro is what they're considering aproper apology then I'm sorry but it isn't. What's more, the pacing of thisepisode was incredibly off and the clips didn't add up and there wasn't anynatural flow to it - they should've madetwo clips on Sunday - with Arthur getting to the van and them arriving to thecountryside, two clips on Monday with 6 am and then Daphne and Basile, Fifitrilogy on Tuesday and then right after midnight on Wednesday Arthur and Alexiain the barn. Now, the cheating excusing convo... I was absolutelydisgusted by the boy squad and the fact that YANN who was cheated on in s1advised Arthur to not say anything... wow. Also I really don't like what Eliottsaid there, I understood it in that moment that he was mainly talking from aphilosophical pov that humans are never satisfied in general, but he was sayingthat during the cheating convo, right after he said that he cheated on his gfto get with his bf, he said it while Lucas was right there, knowing that he hasdeeply rooted abandonment issues and this is what made the situation worse. Ithink I'll talk more about the fandom reaction and team's comments later causethere will be a lot to unpack there so yeah, I'll leave it for now.

Because now let's move on to February 21, aka theFriday that changed everything. Can I just say that I have never seen a worseclip ever in my life? That wasn't skam. That was soap opera. And not even agood one. I can't even comprehend how they wrote THIS and thought it was good.I despise the choice of making Noee speak out loud with every fiber of mybeing. First they objectified her, reduced her to the plot device and 1/3 ofthe love triangle, and now they stripped her of her integrity for a guy who wasconstantly leading her on, who has a girlfiend. They made her so desperate tomake him stay with her that she lost a part of himself for him. And for who??For a guy who didn't give a fuck about her? Who constantly played with herfeelings? Who mocked her and her language and her culture and didn't do so onlywhen it was convenient for him? Honestly fuck him, fuck Arthur. And then A CARCRASHED INTO HIM LIKE ????????????? Someone please explain to me what was thepoint of that cause the only one I see was to provide a fandom with a greatfree entertainment.

Now, episodes 9 and 10 were overall much stronger thanthe past few weeks but it was already to late to salvage the season. We gotanother cheating apologists scene which was - again - absolutely disgusting,especially coming from Lucas - who gave Arthur the same advice he gave to Emma- and Yann - who was cheated on and knew from his own experience that stufflike that always come out in the end. It's like all their character developmentfrom previous seasons went down the drain. Arthur on the other hand seemed tohave a character regression with each passing week. I'm still appalled by whatLucas said - that Alex is their friend but Arthur is part of the gang. It wasdisgusting. And it was out of the character. And it was the worst possiblething that could've been said.

Coline's song was so beautiful and I was so happy thatArthur finally realized what he's lost, though I feel like all those intensestaring between Arthur and Noee was unnecessary again, it's like they couldn'tjust give us a break for one clip from them, it's like she was constantlystealing Alexia's moments, whether she was on screen at the time or not.

The clip with elu was sweet and gave us greatwholesome content, but it only confirmed that Lucas' abandonment issues woke upfrom their nap and I'm already dreading what they're planning to do with thatin s6, especially that according to the latest news Lucas is not very presentin the next season... The polyamory talk... It was odd. It felt force. Thebuildup to it wasn't done very well and what' more it was built on cheating.And that's doesn't bode well. It's also quite ridiculous how it took 1 minuteconversation with Lucas or even one sentence from him tbh for Arthur to go"oh yeah I'm poly. I think." and tell Noee that he loves her eventhough he spent the last couple of weeks denying that and pushing her away. IHATE that yet again they made her be so desperate and cry when he was tellingher this. That's not Noee they gave us in the first half of the season. Ireally liked the clip of Laura and Melchior and Arthur giving the presentationto the students but Arthur's grandiose speech to students and then to girls wasso strange, there wasn't any buildup to it, or more likely Arthur that we werehaving on screen from the end of ep 4 till the end of ep9 was gone and the oldArthur finally showed up. But nevertheless it was strange and not very fittingto the way how the story progressed.

NOW the last two clips - first was a little bit shortand I can't say I was a huge fan (though Eliott's kermit-like dance waseverything jdskjdkjjd) but the second clip was absolutely beautiful, we finallysaw Daphne talk, I'm still not sure what to think about Noee/Arthur (not reallya fan of how the story was resolved... or how it wasn't resolved), AND THEMURAL! LUCAS CRYING BECAUSE HE'S PROUD OF HIS BOYFRIEND! ELIOTT ONCE A YEARMAKING A MURAL OUT OF PURE LOVE! EVERYONE CRYING! ELIOTT NOT PAINTING HIMSELFBECAUSE HE DOESN'T CONSIDER HIMSELF PART OF THE SQUAD (although he is, I don'tknow why they don't understand it) and... Lola. But I guess I'll be back to itlater.

So now, I can't say I'm a fan of the season. I enjoyedsome of the clips, but overall it was a mess, love triangle and fandom and crewbehaviour ruined the season for me. I was absolutely disgusted but howprivileged fans acted on tumblr and on twitter. And yes. There are privilegedfans, fans who were shutting others up because they "don't want us to getour hopes up when we don't know what might happen", fans who were sayingthat "you don't know anything haha i can promise you don't know shit hahano i don't know anything and no i'm not jealous haha you just don't know buthaha tell me this oh how stupid you are", fans who were acting like afandom police all the freaking time, yelling at everyone to "wait and see!you don't know what will happen!". Well. We didn't. Because contrary to 5%of the "little ones-fans", the rest 95% is not privileged enough toget a special treatment, to be invited on set for filming, to know the detailsof the plot before the season airs, to know the bigger picture. It's not fair.If you really know everything then great, I'm happy for you, but let the otherswatch the show how they like, let them react to it clip by clip. Because mostof us don't know the bigger picture and don't know what will happen and how theissues will be resolved. And you are aware that the format of the show itselfencourages viewers to react to the events of the story as they resolve onscreen and through transmedia content, right? That's the essence of skam.Taking that away from the regular fans because you've been let in to some innercircle and know it all is absolutely disgusting. Don't interact with the fandomif you can't stand seeing people not agreeing with the writing choices,questioning what they watch and theorizing about what will happen. If you're soabove it, then just stick with the people like you, with those 5% or so ofknow-it-all and "enjoy" the show with them. Don't ruin the fun forothers. You're not better than anyone else. Don't act like it. Don't be ahypocrite. Don't act publicly as a fandom police, criticize everyone who sharesspoilers and call them out and write hateful posts, if you're doing the sameprivately, if you can't shut up when someone sends you a dm or a message offanon and suddenly you spill everything. Don't be fake. If you know stuff, thengreat, I don't know admit it and say that you want say anything or don't sayanything but then don't spread the spoilers and don't write cryptic comments inthe tags. It's not helping anyone and it's definitely not doing anything good.And to people on twitter currently posting what I guess they assume are vaguetweets about cast’s personal lives? Fuck you. You’re so loud, you know? Maybeyou think you’re talking in a special code only you and your friends can guessbut it’s so obvious and so disgusting, you really have no shame. Grow up andget a life.

Another thing that ruined the season for me was theway the crew was acting on twitter and instagram and I’m so so so disappointed by their behaviour,especially that I’ve always considered them as one of the most open-mindedteams who respect their fans and their opinions. Turns out they do that butonly when the reactions to the clips are positive. I mean, I kind of get it,obviously everyone wants to hear the praise, but you cannot ignore thenegative comments and fans’ concerns, especially that there were plenty of themthis season. And during social media age when it takes one click to see theliked posts or comments, it becomes obvious that the crew was only interacting (evenin such a passive way like liking comments or tweets) with fanswho were praising the show. All the negative comments and questions werebrushed off, saying that “the season will reveal its own truth” and that iffans will have any questions they will be answered after. Well, franklyspeaking, me and my friends have a list of questions that we’d love to get ananswer for:

- why was love triangle necessary?- why did they make Alexia and Arthur a couple in the first place if theywanted him to go after Noee?- why did Noee say she doesn't like talking out loud cause sign language is howshe communicates only to yell at Arthur to stop him from leaving, losing herintegrity for a guy who doesn't care about her?- car????????????????????????- cheating convos - why are they excusing it like that- treatment of Alexia & why did they include numerous comments about Alexia'sbody?- THE MALE GAZE - why did the camera focus so much on Noee's body, why was sheobjectified and why was she presented as a stark contrast to Alexia?- fifi?- p*trick and why the abuse was introduced so late in the plot and overshadowedimmediately by cheating and then followed by crackfic farm au?- why didn't we see any Arthur centered clips where he shows he likes art?- why did Arthur and space have no relevance in the season???- why are Lucas and Yann saying shit every time they open their mouths and whydid they forgot about everything that happened in s1?- the whole convo with the boy squad on valentine's day and how shitty theirreaction was - why?- why we didn't see any actual squad interactions on holidays and no realapologies?- why does the life of the characters always has to revolve around romanticrelationships?- why can't men and women be friends unless the man is gay?- what was the point of all the ship wars and skamlaserie photo withArthur/Alexia and Arthur/Noee *especially* after all the comments on twitterand on Instagram when fans were fighting already and it only made thingsescalate? Why not stop it, why pit fans against each other, why let it escalatelike that?- why draw parallels between elu and Arthur/Noee?- Why was Noee reduced to love interest and Camille to translator 90% of thetime and why don't give them similar dynamics with Arthur as Melchior and Laurahave?- how can Arthur see underwater?- Catherine - was she just a queerbait?- tuturo comment from the forum and Arthur's 'relationship' with 34 yo - whywasn’t it mentioned ever again?- how could noee not know arthur has a girlfriend since she was following himon instagram and he had photos with alexia there?- what happened with basile's birthday since they never celebrated them??- in samedi 11:04 (5x10) eliott says "i've got some croissants, do youwant me to heat them up?" which implies that he's already bought them andbrought them back to the flat BUT he's putting his jacket on as if he was aboutto leave and then he leaves and slams the door so what's the truth?

The crew completely invalidated the feelings andconcerns of the fans and what added fuel to the flame for me was thatskamlaserie post with Arthur/Noee/Alexia and caption that they can’t choosecause they love them both and… Honestly, who the hell works there. There’s beendrama for the whole week on twitter and under David’s posts on insta andinstead of finally end it, idk block the comments or just make a statement ORWHATEVER, they posted THAT on the official show’s account?? Why haven’t they stopped it? Why did they keep on pitting fans against each other up to the point that one twitter user started getting DEATH THREATS only because they translated some video??? Absolutely disgusting.@skamlaserie and @fr team: hate to break it to you but there's nothing wrong with being single andthere's plenty of teenagers who aren't in relationships in high school andthat's okay... maybe that's how Arthur should've started the season instead ofbecoming a cheater and leading on two girls at the same time just for the sakeof having unnecessary relationship drama which literally only created somepointless ship wars and put half of the fandom off watching the show... just saying.

Then, another things that rubbed me the wrong way werethe whole “canceling” discourse (that never really happened and I still standby what I said in the comments to this post so I’ll just direct you to it) and imposingthe one “right” interpretation on the fans - I specifically have the cheatingconvo from episode 8 in mind now. We all have a right to our owninterpretations of every scene, here many people saw it as Eliott’s commenthaving an effect on Lucas and his abandonment issues and started commenting onthat on twitter and David had to rush to explain that he hadn’t meant Lucas,that Eliott won’t cheat and that they won’t break up and will stay together.Well, the thing is that there’s such a concept as “the death of the author”which I suppose you can already guess from its name says that the author, theirbeliefs, backstory, opinions, etc. shouldn’t be taken into account wheninterpreting the text because writing (or in this case - a show) and creatorare separate entities and shouldn’t be correlated. First of all, thismetaphorical extinguishing of fire seemed pointless and like a mockery, seeinghow two episodes later it turned out people were right and Lucas really tookEliott’s comment personally and his insecurities and abandonment issues wereshowing up again; secondly, after that there were many comments from the crewabout how Elu will stay forever and never break up and maybe it’s just me but Ithink that was obvious, right? So why would they keep repeating that? Unless…something will happen in s6 that will make us doubt that and it’s a preemptive damagecontrol 🙃

So to sum up this monstrosity that I have no idea ifit even makes any sense BUT ANYWAY: I liked some of the things in s5 but overall Ireally really didn’t like it, some people in the fandom were incrediblyannoying and turned out to be fake and complete hypocrites, and the crew’s behaviour on socialmedia leaves a lot to be desired and I can only hope they will acknowledge anycriticism of s6 and won’t blatantly ignore fans’ criticism again. So that’d beit. If you read it till the end then you’re stronger than Sabrina giffingArthur getting hit by a car and I respect you for that cause even I haven’t reread it, have a nice quarantineand stay safe!

[firefield]

David Bowie - Low

from A New Career In A New Town box set

The more I listen to Ray and Tony’s remastering work on this record the more I love it. It’s always a trip when you are so familiar with a particular recording, only to hear much of those 70’s mastering techniques for 70’s consumer playback equipment stripped away - and in its place what is claimed to be a more accurate representation of what came off the master tapes into the studio monitors at The Château D’Hérouville and Hansa By The Wall. It’s crazy to hear side A, with all its angular punch and interlocking weirdness, all so nicely defined and soundstaged, but it’s really stunning to hear Side B just come alive. These synths all sound so great... all movement and texture and rich timbre. Just shimmering brilliance. I’ve read the criticisms about the heavy-handedness of the master; the in-your-faceness of the approach... I get it. But I like it - especially at high volume listening. This remaster gives Low a confidence and bit of a swagger that works well. No matter how it strikes you, there is no doubt Low was a brave new world for DB and his fans.

When you take the time to listen through Bowie’s discography chronologically, you always find new things to marvel at no matter how many decades you have been listening to his music, but some things never change. And for me, one of those things that never changes is the stark shock of Low. From the album art itself, to the gated tubewarped drum sound, the instrumental album opening track, through the entirely instrumental side 2 - *still* this album makes such a huge creative statement, and just hovers there sort of timeless and alien.

There are so many new aspects to DB’s artistry here that it would take a long time to touch on them all. A totally unique approach to lyrics and minimalism, absence of lyrics and voice entirely at times, a studio-as-instrument approach to sound design that was touched on and played with on Diamond Dogs, but is fully embraced here...

There is a tone across Low that is difficult to describe. There is a certain mania to it, but it’s a patient mania. The creator sits outside of the work gazing back in with you as you both nod and raise an eyebrow from time to time. One of DB’s many strengths is found in who he chooses to surround himself with, and bringing Brian Eno into his orbit was seismic. I’d argue that it’s not as comfortable and cozy a union as it seems in retrospect in terms of musical compatibility. The Bowie/Eno merge is cerebral first and foremost. It’s fuel is in humor, shared passions, literature, keen intellectual insight and a general restless embrace for the arts. Bowie is such an absolute sponge, and Eno is such a free and unrestrained giver of ideas and master of inspiration and *flow* that there is just no way any real solid spark isn’t going to light the entire room aflame.

This remaster is just wonderful. All over Side A the guitars are handled so skillfully. Surprising things like that faux-Spanish sounding guitar in the right channel on What In The World, Eno’s Roxy-esque guitar treatments I’m Always Crashing In The Same Car, the powerful and round and in-your-face bass. Wow. Lots of criticism of that in nit picky audiophile forums, and it’s certainly a thing; enough for Visconti to address it. He says that’s how it was mixed and approved by David as it came out of the studio monitors, and I believe him. Modern cutting and mastering equipment now allow us at home to hear a better representation of what they created all those years ago.

And that wonderful B-Side. What a magical side of vinyl that is. I was absolutely glued to my headphones as a teenager with this stuff, and now being able to really hear the textures of the Arp and the Chamberlain, the E.M.I and the Mini-Moog - all so cleanly defined. Vibraphones, xylophones, cellos... I don’t know. For me, hearing this music that I’ve heard literally hundreds of times in this way, with this kind of space and timbre and dynamics, is just really a big deal. Hence the gushing. Forgive me. But if I’m fortunate enough to live another 40 years or so and you find me in my wheelchair in some corner of a nondescript old folks home, take off my headphones, put them to your ears, and there will be a very good chance you might hear something from Low.

[iwbfinterviews]

Jake Brown Interview

When did you first realize you wanted to be a writer? Is there a particular reason you chose to write about music, singers, etc?

I didn’t actually, lol.  I’m a songwriter/producer first, I grew up playing and writing music but always wrote as a way to kind of get through school because I was terrible at math, sciences, tests, etc.  I think there’s alot of people in the music business who started out like that.  It kind of happened accidentally, I was working for a record label right out of college and started writing copy for their catalog titles, press releases, etc and it just expanded from there.   I met a literary agent through that who suggested I try to write a book, and we sold the Suge Knight memoir to Amber Books, who gave me my start.  Another big early foot in the door moment was when I had the opportunity to write books with Ann and Nancy Wilson & Heart in 2007 and in 2009 with Lemmy Kilmister and Motorhead.  Then the book nearly 10 years into my career that really kind of made me appreciate this career was the opportunity to work with legendary guitar player Joe Satriani on Strange Beautiful Music: A Musical Memoir.  I’d also started specializing in anthology-style books that feature LOTS of exclusive interviews in one book in chapter profiles so you could tell a bunch of people’s live stories at once, including the BEHIND THE BOARDS series, which began 10 years ago as a Rock & Roll producers’ series, the aforementioned In the Studio series with Heart, Motorhead, and others, and then finally about 10 years into living in Nashville I began working on the NASHVILLE SONGWRITER book series and most recently the BEHIND THE BOARDS: NASHVILLE book.  SO: the long answer to that question is, because I love telling the behind-the-scenes stories of both the hits and those who make them, be it songwriters or producers or drummers in the case of the BEYOND THE BEATS rock drummers series, or Hip Hop producers with the DOCTORS OF RHYTHM audiobook and upcoming physical version in 2021.  I’ve also been fortunate to write memoirs with some interesting characters like Kenny Aronoff, country rapper Big Smo and upcoming Freddy Powers The Spree of ’83 book which features Merle Haggard and Willie Nelson.  So it's been an interesting run.

How long does it take you to write a book?

I work on several at once usually, that’s kind of my process, half day on one, a day on another, but for BEHIND THE BOARDS: NASHVILLE, I spent 4 straight months day in and out writing this book exclusively as it was over 600 pages.  I was reading the audiobook for Blackstone as I was writing it too, which was the first time I’ve ever done that.  Usually the audiobook is read after the book is completed.  Then it’s about a month of editing before its handed into the publisher.  So this was a real push, but it was worth it because of the feedback I’m getting first from the producers I worked quite extensively in many cases with on their individual chapters, and collectively in the book being a first of its kind for country music fans where they can read about how their favorite hits by country’s biggest stars were made while listening along on Spotify, iTunes, Tidal, etc.

What would you say is your interesting writing quirk?

Oh, I don’t know... I write every book thinking from the outset before I’ve even started putting words down to paper thinking about how that book will be marketed and promoted upon release.  There’s no point in writing something no one is going to read because when you get to the finish line you don’t have a gameplan on how to make readers aware of it.  Publishers, to be honest, can only do so much in that arena, every publisher’s publicist is usually like a social worker with 30 cases on their desk, so yours can only get so much attention.  So for instance, I always recommend to a writer to hire a great publicist and know that while that’s a considerable expense, it may be the best money you spend in getting the word out about your book because that publicist is working for YOU, not for 30 authors at once.  It's just a fact of the business that I think should get more light shed on it because you’re competing with that number I  mentioned above of 60,000+ books a YEAR coming out.  I also negotiate the right to press my own promo runs of 100 if needed because if not, you’ll wind up with a paltry 10 copies from the publisher, who for their own budgetary reasons, might not for instance be able to service all the physical review copies you’ll have to give away during the book’s promotion, whether to a disc jockey interviewing you on the air or the listener he or she is giving away a free copy to during that broadcast, as just one example.  If you don’t plan ahead for that, you’ll wind up paying that publisher $6 or $7 per promotional copy, which is something I’m SURE some of my own publishers would hate for me to pull the curtain back on, but its true.  Writers are paid LAST usually in the royalty chain, especially early on, but you move up in that order as you build a value into your name as a writer, which only comes with people hearing about you and your book.  So again, HIRE A PUBLICIST, HIRE A PUBLICIST, HIRE A PUBLICIST!  Your agent can be helpful too, but its typically up to you as an author to maintain your own social media presence and look for every available avenue to spread the word about your book so it has a chance to be read.  This is equally important for newer or more established writers, because there’s always a new generation of equally-as-talented new wordsmiths knocking on those publishers’ same doors... 

What do you like to do when you're not writing?

In a studio making music or writing books for the various publishers I work for, or recording audiobooks for Blackstone Audio, so it’s pretty time-consuming.  I did just sign a worldwide music publishing deal for my songwriting catalog with Streets Music and David Gresham Company.  So I’m lucky to stay busy, to be honest, you have to too make a living in the entertainment business.  I have a wife and a dog too, so I spend what time I have left with them. ☺ 

Your 50th book is coming out June 23rd, “Behind The Boards: Nashville”. Can you give us insight on what it will be about? 

First, I exhale deeply every time I get asked that because it's finally DONE!  I spent 2 years collecting extensive, first-hand – many for the first time in a book – interviews with 30 of country music’s biggest producers, and in some cases, that meant waiting for a break in their busy studio schedules to talk, in others it meant multiple conversations over a couple years as we wanted to make sure we had all their current hits as they kept banging them out, and in other cases, because of the sheer volume of their catalog – some of these guys have been in the business since the early 70s – it took that long to chronicle it all.  That’s just the interview process too, then I had to write it and I write everything in one shot vs. a chapter here and there.  Its to me like staying in character as an actor throughout an entire performance, and when you’re writing a book like this, you’re in a headspace that never lets you sleep because creative narrative is CONSTANTLY hitting you about specific hits, and there’s over 300 # 1s in this book.  Additionally, there’s an EXHAUSTIVE amount of research I do to source out certain critical quotes of praise, for instance, from way back in the 80s, 90s, early 00s, etc from magazines that aren’t even in print anymore, as well as supporting quotes from the actual superstars these producers work with in the studio, which also takes a great deal of time.  So after all of that prep, once you begin writing, there’s another 3-4 months before the manuscript comes to life as a finished product.

As a result of that, country music fans here are given arguably the MOST definitive to date book chronicling the stories behind the making of their favorite hits in the studio, again how those artists specifically and uniquely work at their craft – i.e. does George Strait sing each hit over 3 or 4 vocals or 25 or 30 takes, etc – as well as how specific # 1s within those individual catalogs of Greatest Hits were created in the studio.  Then from the other side of the boards, so to speak, you get the producer’s first-hand recollections of their own personal journeys from the time they could first crawl and walk and started discovering music to their teenage bands and first tape-recorder or 2-inch reel to reel or 4-track or laptop home recording sessions all the way up through their rise to become the biggest names in the business working in country music today.  

Collectively, BEHIND THE BOARDS: NASHVILLE features Dann Huff, James Stroud, Jim Ed Norman, Dave Cobb, Justin Neibank, Ross Copperman, Zach Crowell, Chris Destefano, Jesse Frasure, Norbert Putnam, Josh Osborne, Luke Laird, Clint Black, Frank Liddell, Shane McAnally, Jimmy Robbins, Josh Leo, Nathan Chapman, Paul Worley, Jeff Stevens, Jody Stevens, Bobby Braddock, Michael Knox, Don Cook, Frank Rogers, Joey Moi, Ray Baker, and Buddy Cannon, who did the Foreword, which was a TRUE honor.  Frankly, it was an honor to have every one of these legends speak to fans so candidly and openly about both their personal and professional lives in the music business.  Their stories are inspiring, ear-and-eye-opening, exciting, insightful, and hopefully educational for those kids growing up on their records now hoping to break into the same business.  So hopefully, there’s something for everyone who opens the book.

What were the methods you used to get ‘the’ interview with all the big names you’ve written about?

When you’ve been around this long, fortunately you can get in touch with just about anybody, whether they say yes or not to the interview is another story! (laughs)  But I’ve been pretty lucky, especially for instance with my NASHVILLE SONGWRITER book series, which has TWO volumes and 50 of the biggest songwriters in country music in the first two volumes, and a THIRD volume with another 30 legendary songwriters coming out at the end of 2021, and especially with BEHIND THE BOARDS: NASHVILLE, which has 30 of the most legendary record producers in country over the past 50 years, guys like Norbert Putnam, who ran Quad and produced Jimmy Buffet’s “Margaritaville,” Jim Ed Norman, who produced Hank Williams Jr’s Born to Boogie album, Ray Baker, who produced that whole 70s Honkytonk soundtrack including Moe Bandy, Whitey Shafer, and Merle Haggard and Freddy Powers among others.  Then you have the Millennial generation’s biggest names like Joey Moi, Dave Cobb, Dann Huff, Jesse Frasure, Ross Copperman, Shane McAnally and Josh Osborne, Ray Riddle, and on and on.  

What do you think makes a good story?

Well, for this book, the most common thread woven throughout many of the chapters/live stories of these producers were the long-term working relationships they’ve  maintained with many of country music’s biggest stars throughout their entire careers or the majority, for instance, Jeff Stevens and Luke Bryan, Byron Gallimore and Tim McGraw, Buddy Cannon and Kenny Chesney, Michael Knox and Tony Brown, Frank Rogers and Brad Paisley, Miranda Lambert and Frank Liddell, the list goes on and on as long as the Greatest Hits track listings do.  Equally as importantly for a book like this, is the fact it takes the reader quite literally inside the studio and pulls back the curtain on how their favorite country music stars record their biggest hits, and almost literally re-creates their recording from behind the boards by the producers interviewed.  Then on a totally separate front, from the academic side, its a 600-page book full of tips about how the recording process works from all sides, points of views, approaches, ages, and technologies, old and new, from analog to digital and the hybrid of both in the “in the box” generation of record making.  Hopefully, we’ve covered all sides of the process, that was the aim anyway so readers get a 3-D look, so to speak, at how the recording business really works.  

How did publishing your first book change your process of writing?

I sold my first book to my first publisher, Amber Books, in 2001 and Tony Rose gave me my start in the business and I wrote for them almost exclusively for the first 5 years and 10 books of my career from 2002 to 2007.  So having a stable and still exciting publisher willing to take chances on you and equally-as-importantly, the kinds of books you might approach them with, is KEY for any new writer because writers must remember EVERY time a publisher takes a chance on their book, they’re putting real money behind it before they ever see a dime back.  It's a big leap of faith, and carries with it alot of obligations for the author, where it doesn’t just end with handing the book in, but also helping promote it and building a brand for your name so it can become more and more reliable for both readers and new publishers, as any writer’s goal should be to eventually build a catalog where they write for as many publishers as possible throughout their career.  But be prepared to start out writing for one, or anyone for that matter, who you can verify has a good track record as a publisher, or if they’re new to the game, doesn’t just want to put out an e-book, which anyone can do without a publisher, and is willing to commit to a physical pressing, and promotion of that pressing.  I wouldn’t go looking for advances on your first or even necessarily second book out, but start asking for them as soon as possible as its an important piece of the income stream for any working author, as much as royalties are later on down the road.  An advance lets an author know a publisher first can afford to put money into their book, and values them, vs. Alot of these starter deals that promise big back-end but nothing up front.  You have to be able to afford to take that hit once or twice out of the gate, but its not a career model any writer should plan on if they want to make a living as a working author.  The other reason I mention all this is because being a working writer is not just about the creative side of the process, but the entrepreneurial one too, because you have to be a self-promoter, and not be shy to doing interviews or promotion on social media, etc, as you’re competing with a THOUSAND new titles a week minimum these days between all the digital e-books and print books out there. I think the statistic was to be something like 60,000 books published in 2018 alone, so that tells you the competition you’re up against to even get a book sold to a publisher, let alone compete on bookstore shelves for the reader dollar.

What’s your favorite under-appreciated novel?

Of my own books, I wouldn’t say any are underappreciated, I’m grateful for the fact that people still read my books after 20 years and 2 or 3 generations of teenagers (which are a primary part of my reading audience) still buy my stuff.  I try to give them consistently interesting reading subjects, either in the personalities I co-write with – like country rapper SMO, whose memoir My Life in a Jar: The Book of Smo, was released in 2019, or the Freddy Powers Spree of ’83 memoir, which is presently in film development and that I co-wrote a screenplay for with Catherine Powers last year, that was also something different, and say something like legendary R&B producer/artist Teddy Riley’s forthcoming memoir Remember the Times, which we’ve been working on for the past 6 years off and on and is looking like it might be heading to Teddy’s fans’ hands in the next year.  One key thing I tell new writers when asked for input into starting a career in the current climate for our business is be prepared to commit as much time to a book as the artist needs, its similar to an album – if the publisher wants it on a deadline, be prepare to deliver, but getting an artist to open up in depth about their life takes time, both to build trust and to physically take the time to do the interviews not only with them in principle but also with the huge list of supporting cast members between peers in the band and business and family members and friends, record executives, peers, etc that usually wind up on those lists.  It's a process you should NEVER RUSH yourself, only move at the rhythm of the people you work with and for, and you’ll wind up working alot longer in the business than those who are in a hurry.  

How many unpublished and half-finished books do you have?

Haha, I actually have a folder called “Projects That Probably Won’t Happen” and its filled with all kinds of “famous” bands/musicians books that just never got off the ground for one reason or another, but they’re all under contractual deals where I can’t talk about them in case they want to put a book out in the future, and I hope they all do.  Sometimes you encounter someone who is thinking about writing a book but is really 10 years before they’re ready to, or they aren’t really committed yet past the concept, so you do some sample chapter interviews but it never gets past that starting line.  I’ve thankfully left on good terms with the majority of those names, but with 50 published books in my catalog, most of what I have committed my time to has thankfully made it to store shelves.  That’s important for any new writer to remember, because with every new book project you take on, you’re committing a year to two years of their life to that process from the start of interviews through the completion, handing it into the publisher, editing, etc.  Anyone in a rush usually isn’t going to get anywhere is what I’ve found, it takes time, even if your mind is moving a million miles a minute, and your ambition even faster, pace yourself and you’ll last a lot longer in the race I’ve found anyway (cheesy sports metaphor aside ☺).  

Do you read your book reviews? How do you deal with bad or good ones?

Haha, I’ve had some good and bad experiences there over the years.  I have NO problem with a consumer buying my book and then reviewing it one way or the other on say Amazon or Audible, etc, because that’s part of the business, but as far as book reviews from other writers, I just have to hope they like it and write fairly about it as it does matter impressionistically what readers then think of it as a potential product to buy and read themselves.  Sometimes, in walking the fine line I have to be between the technical and the creative in a series like this or Nashville Songwriter or say my In the Studio series, which has over 10 books in it alone, so you never know.  Its something I don’t pay alot of attention to as well because by the time a review comes out, the book has been out a couple months usually and we’re on the back-end of a promotional push, so if its a good review, it's a nice 4th quarter boost of coverage, and if it's not, then it's pretty buried vs. hurting the book’s launch on the front end.  I’m just being honest, sorry, but book reviews play a very MINIMAL role in most books’ launches if they’re properly promoted via author interviews, premier placements as we’ve done with American Songwriter, CMT, SoundsLikeNashville.com and others coming up, and for any newer writer, accept ahead of time that you’re GOING to get a bad review here or there, it's just part of the subjective review process, and doesn’t speak for your larger reading audience.  

Do you believe in writer’s block?

Not when you write for a living.  It's not a luxury I think any of the writers I know who work professionally writing books can afford, that’s why you have to follow the simple rule of A.B.W. (Always Be Writing) ☺.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Probably doing the same thing, writing is how I make a living, so it's will be with me until arthiritis set’s in, but I’ve got 2 screenplays in development and hope to have at had at least one of them produced into a film.  I’m not unrealistic to think that it will go to theatres, but I’d be happy to see a streaming service selection with my name on it as a screenwriter, there’s 3 or 4 of my books fortunately in that cycle right now so we’ll hope one or two of them make it that far.  Beyond that, I’m in the studio every week as I have been the past 20 years making music and will continue doing that, hopefully to a greater degree with these new publishing deals I’ve signed as I have over 200 released songs in my own catalog, none in Country lol, but I just try to keep putting out new creative product across multiple mediums at as prolific a pace as the muse allows without the quality of the end-product being compromised.  That’s the point at which I’d stop I guess, if the quality of the writing lessens to where people don’t want to read my stuff anymore.  Thankfully, I have built up a pretty loyal reading and retail-buying audience over the past 2 decades, and hope to keep putting out books that help music listeners understand how hard and still rewarding a business the record business is.  It's an amazing world to wake up working in every day, and I love helping musicians tell their stories on paper, so we’ll just have to see.  I hope to have hit 60 books by then, although my ultimate goal is another 50 over the next 10 years! (laughs)  Thanks again for your time and support of this latest project!    

[archadianskies]

“That was a workout.” Allen900 pls 👀

[Ch1 & Ch2; warning: explicit sexual content below]

→ on Ao3

Sleep is considered an indulgence for him, and even then he doesn’t tend to indulge any more than two hours at most. He is built to run for at least a week with minimal recharging, but it was his own brother who taught him that sometimes it’s pleasant to just lie down and tune out the rest of the world for a little while. 

So he lies down, tuning out the world, and the body curved against his is warm and pliant and oh so alive in a way he isn’t. 

Captain Allen’s phone shows there will be an alarm at 6:00am, and then another at 6:30am, followed by one at 7:00am and finishing with one at 7:30am. That means the man averages seven hours of sleep and rises early (6:00am) for a morning run (6:30am), and a yoga session (7:00am) before leaving for work (7:30am). He is a disciplined, orderly man which is reflected in both his conduct at work and here in his home life. Caleb likes that about him. 

Without a mission furrowing his brow, David looks younger in his sleep, hair tousled instead of slicked back and expression lax instead of hardened with intense concentration. Carefully Caleb reaches out to smooth a few unruly locks away from his face, and his eyes pick up a few glints of silver threaded through the strands. 

There’s something boyishly charming about him, something a little old fashioned in the way he treats Caleb, like a gentleman from a bygone era. Caleb likes that about him too.

When the human’s vitals reflect a deep REM cycle, the android quietly eases out of bed and retraces his steps to the front door, collecting their hastily discarded clothes along the way. He folds them neatly, placing them on the end of the bed ready for the morning. 

The apartment is large and airy, decorated in sleek, dark, masculine decor. It is aesthetically pleasing but shows little life, unlike the way Lieutenant Anderson’s home seems lived in, worn in a way this isn’t. It tells him Captain Allen is rarely home long enough to make the space feel occupied. 

The fridge and pantry are well stocked, and there are cooking utensils in the dish rack. Meals are stacked in containers labelled neatly with days of the week, ordered left to right in the fridge. A self-sufficient man, reliant on no one but himself. 

Caleb takes his time exploring the apartment, careful to keep noise at a minimum in order not to disturb the human slumbering in the bedroom. He lies down on the couch and connects to the obsolete MP3 player sitting in the dock, downloading the songs so he can listen to them. It passes the time in an enjoyable way, allowing more insight into the man’s tastes. At four in the morning, Connor requests to communicate with him, and he opens a channel for his brother.

[What are you doing now?]

‘I am making my way through Captain Allen’s music collection.’

[Does he have records like Hank?]

‘No but he has an obsolete MP3 player filled with songs from the mid 2000s to the late 2010s.’

[Will you stay over at his apartment often? Do you think it will lead to cohabitation?]

‘Perhaps.’ Caleb mulls on the thought, letting it turn in his mind and worm its way deep. ‘I am not sure. This is the first time we have been intimate. I am not sure what he wants to do next.’

[Curious.] Connor hums thoughtfully. [I have no such inclinations towards romantic or sexual relations.]

‘You take after our father that way.’ Caleb points out, and he thinks he can feel Connor’s smile even without seeing it. 

He slides back beneath the covers after disconnecting from his brother’s conversation. David shifts a little at the movement, and Caleb eases him into his arms. Androids are not warm like this, soft like this. Human bodies have a certain give to them, since they are muscle and fat and sinew and skin layered over a skeleton frame. 

He breathes him in, nose in his hair, able to analyze the chemical components of the shampoo he used in the shower earlier, and the natural oils of his scalp. His heartbeat is steady, his breathing relaxed and Caleb uses those sounds, the steady tempo, to lull him to sleep as he slowly shuts off his processes one by one, easing into stasis.

*~*

At 5:53, a full seven minutes before the first alarm, he feels David begin to stir awake. It’s a quickening of his heartbeat, a deeper inhale and exhale, a slight twitch in his fingertips and toes as his body prepares for more movement. He’s not quite conscious yet but he wriggles a little, as if chasing more warmth, more contact. 

Caleb presses his lips to his bare shoulder, tongue darting out to taste his skin. David huffs, squirming away from his mouth and yet tightening his arms around him. There’s arousal present in his sweat, and Caleb can feel his already half hard cock thickening between them. He kisses the juncture where his jaw meets his ear, closing his lips over the jutt of his bone and sucking mildly. David groans hands clumsily pushing at his shoulders.

“Jesus Christ Caleb it’s barely six.” His voice is an octave deeper, scratchy with sleep still and Caleb commits it to memory as his nips along his jawline, tongue laving over the stubble dotted there. Tilting his head slightly, Caleb licks up along the column of his throat before pressing their lips together briefly. The early dawn light peeks through the slats, throwing warm yellows across them, catching in David’s green eyes when he finally opens them to regard him with exasperation. 

“And you’re already hard.” Caleb teases, snaking a hand between them to palm his stiffening cock. David rolls his eyes, gritting his teeth as he gives him a squeeze. 

“God you’re impossible.” He grumbles, rutting into his hand for more friction. It takes him four tries to open his inseam, limbs still heavy with sleep and dexterity still lacking as he gropes for his cock. “Fuck I’m not awake enough for this.”

“Parts of you are.” He quips, stealing another kiss as David coaxes him to hardness. The alarm goes off, heralding six in the morning and Caleb reaches out to swipe the off option and silence it. Thirty minutes until the scheduled morning run; plenty of time. Rolling over, he tugs David to curve against his back, pressing the cleft of his ass insistently against his cock. He’s already wet, his thighs slick with lubricant. “Please?”

“Only because you asked so nicely.” David nips the tip of his ear, voice still rough like gravel as he pushes inside him. Caleb arches in pleasure, mouth open in a silent cry as his body squeezes around the intrusion. He lets out a shaky sigh as David slides his hand up his abdomen, fingers rubbing over one nipple and pinching it just a little too hard. 

They fuck and it’s a heady, lazy affair as they chase their pleasure. There isn’t any of last night’s urgency, no trace of that animalistic desperation. It’s a slow, simmering heat coiling in his system and he keens as David hooks his hand behind his knee, lifting his leg up so he can fuck into him harder, deeper, with the new angle. Teeth clamp into his shoulder as he bites him to muffle himself, and Caleb whines needily, reaching for his own cock. David growls, smacking his hand away.

“No, you started this, you don’t get to come first.” A gutteral rasp right into his ear and Caleb nearly mewls in protest, rutting against the sheets for any sort of friction.

“Please-!”

“Hands where I can see ‘em.” His captain commands, and Caleb grips the pillow instead. “Good.” It takes a little longer this time, because he’s still clouded with sleep but it’s no less sweet, no less exhilarating when Caleb feels him shudder, cock twitching inside him as he reaches release. 

Reaching around, he finally, blessedly squeezes his neglected member and jerks him off in quick, sharp tugs. His thumb lingers on the head, and when he teases his slit with the tip of his nail Caleb arches like a taut bow and comes hard into his hand with a strained cry. 

>System in cooldown

>>Minimise exertion

>>Seek fluid intake

Grinning to himself, he swats the notifications away and rolls back over to kiss his lover languidly. David’s hair is tousled, sweat dotting his brow as his chest heaves for breath. He’s looking at him with a mixture of irritation and fondness, and the sight alone makes Caleb kiss him again, soft and sweet.

“Well. That was a workout.” David bumps their brows together. “I don’t think I’m going for that morning run now.”

“I’ll change the beddings after we shower?” Caleb offers by means of an apology though he isn’t really sorry at all. “And I’ll get coffee from down the road while you do yoga?”

“Deal.” He sighs, acting put upon though the smile betrays his tone completely. One more kiss before they finally get out of bed. Suddenly David’s phone vibrates insistently on the bedside table just as Caleb receives an inbound call.

“Allen.” He answers curtly as Caleb presses two fingers to his LED.

“RK900, receiving.”

A mission. They scramble for their clothes, forgoing the shower in favour of wiping themselves down with a damp hand towel. The mellow mood vanishes in an instant, replaced with something grim. Caleb watches David withdraw into himself, step behind the veneer of the man who leads SWAT Unit 32. There he is: Captain Allen, ready to command.

“Alright rookie, let’s go.”

“Yessir.” He follows him obediently to the door and the man pauses, reaching to tweak the collar of Caleb’s jacket and for a moment he glimpses him again; David offers a brief, affectionate little smile and Caleb leans down swiftly to kiss it before it vanishes. 

Onward.

[nigelgodrichproducer]

Nigel Q&A in The Guardian

https://www.theguardian.com/culture/live/2020/feb/21/nigel-godrich-webchat-ultraista-radiohead-producer

Nigel did a very nice Q&A for The Guardian. Reproduced here for posterity’s sake: 

Q: I saw Atoms for Peace at the Roundhouse [in London]. The lot of you seemed exceptionally into it. How much of a thrill was it to play with Flea? He seemed totally lost in the gig at points. I think Flea is one of the greatest human beings I've ever had the good fortune to spend time with, let alone make music with. He's such a generous player and probably my most rock'n'roll moment is standing on stage staring at his face 6 inches from mine, or when he jumps up on my riser. Massive respect to that guy, and you should read his book. Q: Nowadays, I’m asked to master tracks for Instagram and Spotify as opposed to vinyl and CD. What’s your view about how streaming has affected everything? – John Davis, Metropolis Mastering That's what my book's going to be about... Q: How do you use intuition as a tool in your productions and how do you know when something you are working on is finished? You mentioned Talk Talk and Mark Hollis – he stopped when he thought he could not add anything new. Can you imagine yourself doing something entirely different? Definitely. And it has crossed my mind many times - working more in visuals, videos, even film. But these days the hard thing is finding the time, when you keep getting sucked into exciting things you want to do, and can do. I could definitely write a book and I've enjoyed doing stuff on radio. Q: Is there any track from any artist you’ve worked with that you are particularly proud of? Something that brings back great memories when you listen to it? Sure! How about Diamond Bollocks from Beck's Mutations? Which was just the studio equivalent of sitting in a hot tub drinking champagne with a bunch of your best mates, and two days very well spent I would say. I'll always enjoy listening back to that sonic postcard. Q: Pavement’s Terror Twilight is one of my favourite albums and sounds incredible. But the band broke up soon after it was released and I understand that relationships were strained. Did you enjoy producing that album, and how do you think it holds up to the rest of your work? Yes I love that record actually, it's one of my favourites and I enjoyed making it immensely. It was such an adventure to fly off to America to make a record with people I hadn't met. Maybe there were some internal politics, as there are in any band, but I made friend forever in Stephen and I think I performed my role well: my idea was to make something that stood up straighter and felt like it might reach people who were turned off by the beautiful sloppiness of other Pavement records. I just thought they were such a good band and wanted them to reach a bigger audience. The writing may have been on the wall even before I got there, but I don't think I had any part of that, and I heard they're getting back to play shows, so there's always a happy ending, right? Q: Any chance of another Basement session? I would love to and plan to do more from the basement. Watch some space somewhere, but it was such an enjoyable thing to do and I look back on it as a great archive of those times. For sure it will happen. Q: Where did the artwork for the new Ultraísta album come from? Part of the fun of doing this album with Laura and Joey is the creative elements of all the stuff that isn't music. So for example we do all our own artwork and videos, and the cover is a photo I took of Laura inspired by one of my favourite photographers, Gjon Mili, a Hungarian-American photographer. We also made a lot of video content which is bleeding out into the universe slowly and relates to the album and its theme of colours, and also includes a lot of footage from the London Underground which is a particular obsession of mine. I'm great at dinner parties. Q: How hard is it making an album? How hard is a piece of string? It totally depends on a million factors. The imperative nature of your delivery date, or maybe just whimsical noodlings that can continue for some time. Or it can be really very hard, and you have to coax people who are struggling through a very difficult process. I feel like I've had every version of this. And it can be quite leisurely, eg the Ultraista record, which was what I would call a country club style social bonanza. We could take our time and work on it when we had time, and even though the challenges were there, it was actually quite natural and easy. Q: What do you listen to as you’re trying to fall asleep? I cannot fall asleep with any music playing, at all. I cannot have sex with any music playing at all. I cannot do any other activity, as my brain just tunes into it involuntarily and I'm rendered incapacitated. Q: How much Marmite do you consume? A daily teaspoon. Q: You seem to shy away from technical-oriented discussions. Any reasons for doing so? A lot of bands have noted how quickly you work and that you’re not too precious about the recording process, yet the final result comes off as meticulous. Do you have any insight into how to move fast and capture the energy of the moment? Do you organise the studio and control room in a way that is responsive to any creative situation? The reason is because I think people attach too much weight to equipment and studio trickery when the reality is I consider the most important part of making records is about musical sensibility and communication with those involved, and the notes, and the words. I get very annoyed with people asking me what my favourite microphone is. It doesn't matter. These days I don't even use the expensive ones. One of the reasons why music has become generally worse, and I'm sorry to say that, is that people think about technology more than the actual music they're making. So sue me. To your second question, see the above answer! The recording process is best when fast, because it's then the smallest obstacle to the actual music. That doesn't mean the end result shouldn't be absolutely meticulous and pored over for hours and reconsidered and reframed and sat in different places, whatever, but how far you keep you kick drum from the mic really doesn't matter. Q: Those of us who shelled out for the deluxe edition of A Moon Shaped Pool also received a small length of half-inch tape alleged to have been retrieved from actual Radiohead sessions dating back to Kid A. Were any lost and unreleased gems included as part of this Willy Wonka-like scavenger hunt, or is my piece of tape likely to contain something disappointing, like Colin Greenwood practising a bass run? This is absolutely true. I was staring at mountains of half inch tape reels from the Kid A sessions and felt sad because they were all very soon going to be unplayable useless bits of plastic that would just contaminate the environment. And thought it would maybe be better to send them off to some people who would appreciate them, so as part of the packaging with Stanley Donwood, we realised we have enough tape to wrap each special edition with a small length of it. On each tape is part of an outtake, alternative mix, instrumental, something that would have been thrown away when it became unplayable. It just felt poetic to send it out into the universe. Unfortunately I don't think people truly understand what they have... Q: What was it like working with Roger Waters? Did you consciously avoid “big guitar solos” to negate it sounding like David Gilmour/Pink Floyd. Roger is a fascinating character, really a genius. The whole experience was incredible, being able to watch this guy thinking his way around things, particularly with words and motifs and conceptual ideas. Again one of my rules in that case was there would be no big guitar solos - in the same way as the McCartney thing, I was interested in another musician, and wanted to hear him speak, and hear his musicality. As the usual formula with his solo work seems to be to find some soundalike, and use that Guitar Hero equation, which I feel is lame. So the decision was to use orchestration as a musical foil to the beauty of his simplicity and songwriting which would keep the light and focus on the words he was writing. And keep the focus of the whole work simpler. Q: I would imagine that very few people question Paul McCartney’s methods in the studio. How difficult (or not) was it to say to him, “How about doing it this way?” during the making of Chaos and Creation in the Backyard? Well, that was the entire point! Like I mentioned before, he called me, so I was able to dictate my terms, so to speak. My general appraisal was that I was more interested in him rather than the people around him, so persuading him to play everything was part of the "method" that allowed us to move forward with this work. That worked very well. His charm as a musician is astronomic and undeniable, he's a very intelligent musical person. He was very brave and put up with a lot of crap from me - he could have told me to fuck off at any point, but he really met in the middle to see this experiment through, and I left with even more respect for him than when I went in. Q: Really curious if you like classical music, and if so which pieces? Would you consider doing Big Ears festival [in Tennessee]? Yes, I would not claim to be an aficionado in any respect, but I'm a big fan of Debussy's Preludes, and one of my favourite pieces of music is his Arabesque No 1. I also love Prokofiev in general, and Erik Satie's Gymnopedies really get me going on a Sunday. Q: Is it true that much of The King of Limbs was recorded with the software Max/MSP? If it is true, how much of a hand did you have in programming and using Max/MSP? Jonny Greenwood seems to have taken all the credit … This is basically bollocks. I went to a dinner party 15 years ago and sat next to a Stanford grad who told me about this software, Max/MSP, and took it back to Johnny. He's used it on and off on lots of things, as have I. King of Limbs is made up of everyone throwing pieces of audio together - Johnny used Max/MSP in that case to link up a turnable via a piece of software called Miss Pinky. The result was a huge and gigantic mess that took me about a year and a half to unravel, and then Thom wrote over the top. So there you have it. Q: Thank you for your inspiring work! Do you have a favourite Joni Mitchell album? Joni Mitchell is my favourite human artist of all time, she is incredible. I have to give you a top three. 1. Hejira 2. The Hissing of Summer Lawns 3. For the Roses But would say all of her output between Blue and Mingus is untouchable. She is a unique combination of musical and lyrical talent. She's pretty much the only person I find can write a narrative lyrically that can remain poetic but articulating, communicating, beyond the abstract; it's very specific and very beautiful. And as a musician she dug deep into so many vats of folk and jazz, still managing to spin her incredible voice into the mix. Q: Created an account just for this. I’m a human person who enjoys audio production and engineering a lot. I’m quite shy when it comes to working with other interesting music folk, mainly down to the fact I have no idea how to write a melody. I love sounds and atmospheres, making things sound full and all that great stuff. The question I’m really getting at is: when was the first time you knew you could do this? Did that moment happen at all? And how has your relationship to music evolved? Bit of a belter of a question, but you asked for this so I don’t feel bad. I think I realised, retrospectively, that from an early age I had a fascination for recording. My dad worked at the BBC as a sound man and as a child I was surrounded by the tools of his trade so I always watched enviously and wanted to play with things. When I was very young I asked for a machine to make records, like really young, and he told me in his calm wise way: no I couldn't. But he bought me a cassette machine, so I could go around and record things: the TV, the train set, running water, things that sounded interesting when they were played back. I always aspired when I started recording music in studios, I tried to emulate my heroes, like the Trevor Horns, but found what worked best was going with the things I could do well which were an organic-ness to sound, rather than a clinical shinyness, which I loved to listen to. Making a dark brown soup was more my skill, that making a big fairy cake. I was wise to go with the things I was good at - isn't that the art of life? Q: What compels you to commit to a project? Is it a different circumstance each time? Can you please produce Keane’s next album? Tom Chaplin is a fan, I’m sure you know! Yes definitely, every project is different, but I would say I'm very wary of people's preconceptions and expectations, and generally my first question to them is: what do you think I'm going to do? Just so they don't have some idea that I'm going to repeat something I've done before or make them sound like someone else I've worked with. Generally I can make a fair appraisal of whether I have something valuable to contribute and will generally like what we can do together. I'm not under any illusion that I can improve someone I'm already a fan of so I never approach anyone  – they have to ask me. Q: Are you a night owl? If so, how do you deal with society’s preference for early birds? Do you suffer from insomnia? Hell yes. Nothing great happens before dinner. I have always been like this, I have always leapt out of my bunk bed as a child at 3am to run across and start building something out of a piece of wood, or do a drawing- all creativity happens in my brain at night. I deal with the unfair preference of early birds in society by having chosen a career whereby I get to dictate my hours. I wouldn't dream of starting a working day before lunchtime. Producers start flowing over coffees at dinnertime. I like the isolation at night - there's no background noise, and you can really focus. And also night, it's has a dark cloak of melancholy which makes you connect to something inside, in a way you can't do when the sun is shining. Daytimes are for nice walks in the park - nighttimes are for sitting alone at a laptop. Q: What state are the songs in when you start working with an artist? What is the variant that most changes in the production process? Structure, aesthetics, sound? Love from Argentina! Every single version of the process is different. Sometimes you have everything completely written; siometimes it's a case of building a song from a fragment of audio that's created abstractly, which is the case with Thom's solo work and a lot of Radiohead work. Even if a song is finished you can still improve it with editing and working out what it's strengths and weaknesses are. And also how to present it as an orchestration, or sonically if there's a trick you can use to make it pull you in. I like all versions of this, because they use different parts of your brain, but sometimes it's great to be given amazing songs and a blank slate to make them happen - that hasn't happened for a while! :-) Q: You’ve worked with countless musicians. Do you adapt to their work process, do you propose a process, or is it an exchange? And with Ultraísta, specifically, did you have the same process with the second album [Sister, out in March] as with the first? Did all the time in between the two influence the way you produced an album together? Can’t wait to listen to Sister! There are no rules to methodology, in fact the skill is creating a new method each time that will generate work which will generate output, which then becomes the work. Every time you start with a band that's two guitars, bass and drums you hit the same brick wall, and it's my job to think of a quick fun way to kick the ball out of the pitch, and remain focused enough to catch it when it gets thrown back in again. With Ultraista, what started as an exercise in wordplay and groove construction on the first record this time has become a more refined process and in an effort to make more song like structures. We are all indeed different people from when we made the first things and we're amused by different things, so thus the goalposts move - to keep the metaphor going - and the method changes. Q: Which producers and which records inspired you as a young would-be producer? As a kid, I was obsessed with Regatta de Blanc by the Police, and saw it was produced by Nigel Gray. A lightbulb went off that there was someone called Nigel doing this stuff. In terms of influences, there are ones with mythological status, like George Martin, or Trevor Horn, both of whose work I absolutely love for different reasons. Martin for his inventiveness and creative approach to the technology of the day, ie the new possibilities of multitrack tape, and the use of visual devices like sound effects. Trevor Horn for his obtuseness and skill as making artful pop music using, again, the tech of the day. Which could make bend and shape things to become bigger than real life and make the brain do somersaults. And then more direct practical influences on me such as the people who actually taught me, including Phil Thornalley, John Leckie, Steve Lillywhite, and others. These are people I watched directly and emulated. Q: What is your feeling/relationship with failure? Don’t mean to be a downer, just curious to learn about your journey when overcoming failure. This is a very good question. It also depends on where you're standing. A lot of things could have been better or were small failures, small battles in a larger war. You regard as part of the process moving forward what the end goal is you're trying to succeed. I wouldn't regard any of my work as massive successes as they're all attempts to achieve the unachievable. However, if you're referring to something like the Strokes episode, it wasn't a failure, neither of us walked away hurt from that experience. It was just fascinating. And everything else has been successful, hasn't it?? Q: It’s been a year since the great Mark Hollis passed away. How much of an influence were/are Talk Talk on the Radiohead sound and your work with the band as producer? For me, personally, I was a massive Talk Talk fan and I used to listen to those records endlessly, certainly Laughing Stock and Spirit of Eden. I think they were again things that really plugged into your feelings - our version of a classical symphony that you would start and listen through to the end. Q: Which album has the best atmosphere in its production? I can never get over how rich and ghostly Time Out of Mind by Bob Dylan and Daniel Lanois is. Every record is different and you feel different about every record as time passes, but I think In Rainbows is very evocative due to hte space we recorded it in. All the ambience on that record is real, it comes from the house we recorded it in, so that conjures up a very visual image for me when I think of that record. Also Beck's Sea Change is a very emotional record, evocative, which somehow crystallised perfectly sonically to me, and if I hear any part of it it takes me back to that time. Which I regard as a job well done. It's a conduit to your feelings, which is a goal, it's what you're trying to do. Q: When you’re making a record, do you try to listen to as much other music as possible to spark ideas? Or do you do the opposite – try and isolate any external music to not get thrown off what you set out to make? When I'm working on a project I don't listen to anything else, it's not out of choice, I'm just compelled to be focused on what I'm thinking about, and it stays with me when I leave the studio. I literally don't want to hear anyone else's music!

[howtolistentomusic]

Dear people that think the Goodwill wants to sell your Ziploc baggie of used crayons: it doesn’t. That shit goes directly into the trash, right on top of your broken furniture. Surely you mean well when you donate, say, an old dresser with a busted leg. But good intentions can’t magically transform a ragtag crew of temp agency employees into proper handymen. 

If, however, you need an informed opinion on one of those homemade mixtapes that sometimes find their way into the warehouse, I might be your man. 

Once upon a time I managed to con my way into the world of online music writing. As one might expect from a blogger haughty & naive enough to write under the banner How to Listen to Music, many of my insights have aged terribly. But I was constantly learning from the best critics, journalists and bloggers in the field and HtLtM was gaining steam before my fragile discipline collapsed under the weight of increasing visibility. I still believe deeply in the merits of the template I created to analyze songs on Youtube, which was unlike anything on the internet before or since. Maura Johnston seemed to like it, at least. 

And yet I failed miserably at turning these creative endeavors into a sustainable career. So here I am, handling donations at my local Goodwill warehouse for minimum wage. Today old man Kenneth and I are inside the container, which is the detachable part of a freight truck the drivers dump on the dock for the roll-off team to unload. We’re placing the donations on the open edge for the guys outside to grab and toss into gaylords. Yes, the thick cardboard boxes with an open top we place on pallets to store donations in are called gaylords. And yes, my coworkers think this is hilarious. Death, taxes, and “they’re calling you!” from one roll-off laborer to another every time the term is overheard. 

***

“You dropped this,” Kenneth says as he hands me a crate of CDs. 

“If there’s no Justin Bieber, it’s not mine.” I say.

“You better cut that shit out!” David says. 

“He’s joking,” Donald tells David. 

I laugh.

“I know you!” Donald says.

“Dude, I’m a poptimist.”

“A what?“ 

Let’s start by pointing out that it’s a hell of a lot easier to be an "authentic” artist, as a certain orthodoxy of criticism dictates one should be, when your very existence isn’t under constant attack. You’re in luck, straight white dudes! Again. What a coincidence. 

Poptimism basically says nay! to all the noise. The Beatles go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Gaga goes to Mars to get more candy bars. Or college, I suppose, if your childhood sucked.

“It means I listen to pop.” Among many other genres, to be very clear. “Top 40. All the stuff you guys probably hate.”

“Bullshit!” Donald says.

I don’t know who he thinks I am but it’s clearly someone much, much cooler. 

“I thought you were smart!” David says.

“Am I no longer smart if I listen to Justin Bieber?”

“Nope!” says Kenneth.

“Oh shut up!” I say to the grizzled geezer. “Go jack off to Creedence.” 

“I’d rather get gang banged by CCR than listen to that little homo.”

You heard it here first. Listening to Justin Bieber: gayer than being gay!

“Really? Justin Bieber?” David says. “Wow. You think you know a guy.”

“Any recommendations?”

“Marvin Gaye! Stevie Wonder! James Brown!”

What’s Going On. Songs in the Key of Life. Think. These are all stone cold classics. I have a healthy respect for these artists but they aren’t in my regular rotation.

“Those guys are before my time. If we move up a few decades, I’m totally there. New Edition, Boyz II Men, Soul 4 Real …”

“Now we’re talking!”

“Bieber’s better though.”

David throws up his arms in wild exasperation, as if his favorite sports team just botched an important play. He doesn’t seem to understand that I’m trolling him.

To be clear, I do indeed listen to Justin Bieber’s music. “Baby” is catchy as hell, and the song’s DNA can be heard in other notable pop releases from the era such as Katy Perry’s blockbuster Teenage Dream and internet darling Carly Rae Jepsen’s Kiss. I also like “Never Say Never” if only for hearing Jaden Smith say “No pun intended / was raised by the power of WIll.” And for an album created by a former child star falling apart at the seams, Purpose has no business being as good as it is. Stand-out track “Love Yourself” contains the immortal roast “My momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.” And with its heavy utilization of short, staccato notes and sudden, dramatic rests, the song is my favorite example of a distinct style of guitar playing favored by many male musicians. Such “cool pauses” give these songs a slightly broken, incomplete feel that mirrors the artist’s self-assured “deal with it” tone and I love it.

Even Carlos, my arch enemy, likes “Love Yourself”. A while back we were inside the warehouse creating pallets of our best furniture to be sent to proper Goodwill retail locations. Supervisor Anna miraculously felt like hearing some contemporary hits that day and had the building’s three radios tuned to Live 105.5, our local top 40 station. “Love Yourself” played. 

“This is Bieber’s only good song,” Carlos told me. He tried to sing along but quickly lost the words. “Sing it!” he said. “I know you know it!” 

I wasn’t sure if I should be offended by being stereotyped or impressed by his accuracy. Nonetheless, it was true! I did know the words! I picked up where he left off.

”‘Cause if you like the way you look that much / Oh baby you should go and love yourself / And if you think that I’m still holdin’ on to somethin’ / You should go and love yourself.“ 

It wasn’t a particularly strong vocal performance but Carlos, somehow, was awed. 

“Daaaaaaamn!” he cooed. It was perhaps the only time I ever impressed him.

Carlos, in case it wasn’t clear, is an asshole. He’s the type of open misogynist that progressives, in our insulated internet bubbles, are shocked to realize still exist. My masculinity isn’t up to par with his standards and he likes to torture me because of it.

Carlos is off today but there’s a small part of me that wishes he was here. He’d have no trouble buying the fact that I listen to Justin Bieber. At the same time, I know I need to be careful. After all, Bieber is far from my favorite musician. But I can’t help it. Playing Bieleber is such a fun and easy way to rile up my coworkers.

“You need a lesson in quality, my boy!” David says.

“I’m all ears!” I say, but he just shrugs.

If I wanted to be really mean, I could point out that David just might be the true Bieleber in roll-off. See, David the Bieber-hating quality expert is the same David that sometimes drops me off at the bus station after our shift ends. More than once on these trips, a Justin Bieber song played on the radio. Did he change the station? Nope! 

David seems to be harboring a lot of hate for a musician whose songs he doesn’t even recognize. This doesn’t surprise me, of course, because Bieber hate is barely about Justin Bieber.

Leonardo DiCaprio. Robert Pattinson. Zac Efron. Boy bands. The Biebs. Celebrities like these are cut from the same cloth in that they’re overwhelmingly attractive in a way that draws ravenous, predominantly female fanbases. In turn, this provokes intense contempt and ridicule from traditional dudes everywhere. This is bullshit. It’s retaliation against open female desire that, in an affront to their entitlement, isn’t directed towards Man McAverage.

Evoking “quality” is no exemption from these kinds of considerations. Many people treat the word as if it’s an objective and universal set of standards everyone intuitively understands but this is nonsense. Quality is more like a self-shaped hole we attempt to carve into the world, both encompassing and reproducing our ideals, desires, prejudices, etc. It sure as hell doesn’t explain itself.

I’ve been immersed in the world of music writing for a long time. My favorite publications tend to be ones that upend the very idea of quality. The Singles Jukebox gathers a variety of writers to weigh in and score the same song, and reading wildly different takes on what makes art good or bad is enlightening. One Week // One Band achieves something similar by inviting a different writer (sometimes a professional, sometimes not so much) to take over the blog for a seven-day deep dive into a musician they love, with “no rules and no canon” dictating who that musician can be. And then there was Hipster Runoff, the defunct but brilliant meta exploration of taste and identity that often delved into the ingredients of quality that we don’t like to talk about. 

I think I ‘like’ them because they are differentiated from 'traditional music’ and 'modern indie music.’ When I listen to them, I exist on a higher plane of musical appreciation and consume products for 'all the right reasons.’

- Carles, the voice of Hipster Runoff, on Animal Collective

Quality shouldn’t be a Get Out of Bullying Your Co-Worker Free card. But after a lifetime of living with what is often considered bad taste, I’ve learned to be on the offensive just in case.

Try harder, fuckers.

[something-tofightfor]

Just a Place - Part 6

Pairing: Ryan Brenner x Reader

Word Count: 7300

Rating: M (language, zest light mention)

Summary: After Jackie’s phone call, you and Ryan move forward... what comes next?

** You will not understand a darn thing in this if you haven’t read “Neon Lights”, which can be found on my masterlist page **

Author’s Note: Sorry this took such a long time to get out... I made it a little longer than normal to make up for it. 

Feel free to ask me to add you!

Tag list: @traeumerinwitzhelden @mfackenthal @songtoyou @obscurilicious @elanor-of-imladris @thesumofmychoices @suchatinyinfinity @audreychaz @benbarnestongue @its-my-little-dumpster-fire @the-blind-assassin-12 @ms-delos @lexxierave @dreams-with-thoughts @gollyderek @agentlingerie

POV: Ryan 

 In the weeks following Jackie’s call, Ryan expected you to treat him differently, despite the (mostly) calm and collected way that you’d responded when he told you that he’s spoken with her. He made an effort to do more around the house - waking up early, even on his days off, cutting the grass, offering to cook dinner, constantly cleaning up after the two of you … but every time you found him busy, you surprised him by gently pulling him away from his task, shaking your head and wrapping your arms around him. “Ry, you don’t need to…” But he’d always shake his head, jaw set firmly. Yes, I do. He didn’t know why he felt guilty, or had the need to prove to you that he was staying, but he did, almost like he’d disrespected you by telling Jackie so much, by giving her insight into the way he’d spent the better part of a year and a half. It was none of her business. And so Ryan kept busy, made himself useful around the house, and waited for the feeling to pass, even though you seemed to get over it long before he did. 

 Your routines didn’t change; he worked with David throughout the week, played out at night, taught lessons (Ryan had three students, a boy and two girls, and all were improving), and spent his free time playing guitar. You, on the other hand had taken a few local jobs doing portrait sessions, and had left to go to Maine for four days, photographing the changing leaves, leaving Ryan at home at the beginning of October. He’d wanted to go with you, simply because he wanted to see the trees himself, but David hadn’t been able to give him the time off, and so Ryan spent the time alone focused on writing, his hands only leaving his guitar when he was eating, sleeping or working his day job. 

 He had enough material for an EP, enough songs to play almost an entire set of original music, and yet Ryan couldn’t stay away from the classics, couldn’t stop his fingers from picking out the songs he knew like the back of his hand, the words from tumbling out of his mouth. This shouldn’t be the case. It had gotten worse after you’d come home and found him singing in the kitchen while he cooked, and Ryan’s live sets had turned away from his original music and back toward the tried and true classics - which people still seemed to love.

 He hadn’t played Southbound since the night Jackie called, unwilling to let the memory of writing the song on Jackie’s front porch, or of sharing the unfinished lyrics with her taint the mood that he played in, and even though he missed it, it felt right to cut it. I’ll play it again, someday. But Ryan’s focus on playing the music that he loved navigated him through, leading him to an important realization: he wanted to record songs, but he wanted to record them out of a studio, with the people that they mattered to. 

 You were cleaning up after dinner with him about a week before Halloween, the two of you moving through the kitchen while a cold rain fell outside, splattering against the windows when Ryan finally opened his mouth to tell you his idea. “Hey.” You stopped what you were doing and Ryan watched as you wiped your wet hands on a towel before walking over to him, a smile on your face. 

 “Yeah?” You hopped up onto the table, crossing your legs. “What’s up, Ryan?” He stepped over to you after taking a breath, waiting. Why are you nervous? 

 “I’ve been thinkin’,” he started, tongue wetting his lips. “I… want to record some songs.” You widened your eyes, inhaling. “But… I don’t wanna record in a studio. I want…” He shook his head, feeling as you reached out, hand sliding down his forearm until you were gripping his fingers, giving them a gentle squeeze. “I’ve been writing.” He paused. “A lot.” You nodded, still silent, giving him a chance to get his thoughts out. “And there are things that I want to record on my own, and I want to have them, but it’s always… singin’ and playin’ with other people has always been what I’ve loved the most.” You nodded and Ryan continued. “We’re not stayin’ here forever, and I thought that… maybe on our way to wherever we’re goin’ next, we could… meet up with some of my friends so that I can…” He trailed off, suddenly feeling very self conscious, and Ryan attempted to pull his hand from yours. I… this is stupid. 

 “Do you want to record your own music, or do what Georgie wanted to do, and record older stuff?” You tilted your head to the side, genuine curiosity on your face. “Because, Ryan, I think that-”

 “Both.” He spoke without pause, chest rising and falling. “I want to record both.” But how? His friends were scattered throughout the country; some as far south as New Orleans, others all the way up in Michigan’s upper peninsula, even some right up against the ocean in Oregon and California. There’s no way to get them all. “Everyone’s got a different style, and I want to… I think I need to … it’s all going to sound different, do you understand?” You quietly waited, uncrossing your legs and Ryan stepped forward between them, lowering your joined hands to the surface of the table and raising his free one to grip the side of your neck, thumb tucked behind your ear. “I could record the same song with each one of them, and it would be different, even my playin’ and singin’, because…”

 “Because you’d be responding to the way that they perform.” He could feel you speaking beneath his palm and he nodded. She gets it. “Do you want to stop in a studio with all of them?” You frowned, but it wasn’t an unkind expression. “Wouldn’t booking time be hard unless you knew when you’d be there exactly?” Yeah, it would. 

 “Some of ‘em, yeah. Some of ‘em deserve to be in a studio, but… no. I think I’d want to record in a more… natural setting?” He slid his hand down to your shoulder, shaking his head. “It’s just a thought now, an idea, but…” Ryan closed his eyes. “It’s what I want to do.” He nodded. “I know we’ll be here until spring at least, but… when we go next, I can… we can…” 

 “We can figure it out, Ry.” You spoke quietly, pulling your hand from his and reaching up to run your fingers through his hair. “You’ve got time, you can plan something out.” You sighed and he leaned down, pressing his lips to yours and feeling you curl the tips of your fingers against the back of his head. “You don’t just have to show up and hope for the best.” He pulled away as he realized you were right, that it wasn’t about luck or the right timing anymore. “But if you need to go, Ryan, you can. I don’t want you to think that you need to stay here, to be here, to…”

 “No.” He shook his head. “No, planning is important. I can figure out where we can… what we can do on the way to wherever it is that you...we decide to go.” You tugged him down again and Ryan leaned into the kiss, feeling you sigh against him as his hand flattened against your back. “You wanna meet some of my friends?” He breathed the words, mouth hovering over your ear. “See a little bit of my past?” I want that. 

 “Yeah, Ryan.” You nodded, scooting forward and off of the table, standing before you wrapped your arms around him, cheek pressing against his chest. “If you want me to.” He encircled you with his arms, inhaling as he kissed the top of your head. “They all gonna hate me as much as Georgie did?” Despite the serious nature of the question, Ryan laughed, squeezing your body tightly. 

 “No, they won’t. They’re all different from him.” He stood there with you, sure of his words and even more sure of what he wanted to do. “Will you help me plan this out?” Pulling back to look up at him, you grinned, eyes bright. 

 “Of course, Ryan.” 

 --- 

POV: You 

 The beginning of November on the west coast was totally different than the beginning of November on the east coast, and while you liked living in South Carolina, you were happy to be in California - and even happier that Ryan had been able to come with you. “Hey!” He was waving his arm at you from a few yards away, a grin on his face. “I got a table.” As you walked closer, he sat, reaching out for the drink holder that you had in your hands. “Thank you.” You eased into your seat and bit your lower lip, looking past Ryan and out toward the water where hundreds of boats were docked. “What are you looking at?” He turned to look too, eyes moving over the masts and sails. “Have you ever been here before?” 

 “Once. I’ve been to a lot of coastal California cities, but San Francisco isn’t one of the ones that I’ve had the opportunity to explore.” You shrugged, pulling your hood up so that the back of your neck was covered. “We’ve got a few days now, though, and so…” He nodded and you smiled, reaching for your burger. “You seem excited.” Ryan nodded his head in agreement through a huge bite of hamburger, gesturing with his free hand. 

 “Never without my guitar, though.” He swallowed, taking a long drink through his straw. “Feels weird not to have it, but I needed a break.” I agree. Ryan had been playing feverishly for weeks, writing and recording music at an almost breakneck pace. He had hours of recordings saved on your laptop, and as an early Christmas present to him, you’d gotten him a nice studio microphone for his guitar and another for his vocals, and he’d splurged on an expensive pair of headphones. He’d used them more than you expected, sometimes closing himself in the office until late into the night and then crawling into bed with you, his voice hoarse from singing as he whispered goodnight and that he loved you, pulling you close to him. His hands… 

 Ryan’s fingers were all calloused and rough; a sign of the fact that he was no stranger to hard work - especially on his left hand. You could always tell which of his hands was touching you, and if you were being honest, you preferred the left - the roughened fingers pressing into your skin or rubbing against it, letting you know exactly where he was and what he wanted. Those fingers, no matter where on your body they were, set you on fire, waking you up whenever he touched you. The first night with him - in the sun porch of your parents’ home in Philadelphia - you hadn’t known what to expect when he finally let go of his self control, exploring your body with those hands, but you definitely hadn’t been disappointed. You’d never been touched like Ryan touched you, and you never wanted anyone else to do it again; you didn’t know how anyone could have let him walk out of their life - but you were thankful that so many had. 

 However, on this trip, two of Ryan’s fingertips were bandaged, the middle finger bandaged heavily. 

 Two nights before your flight, after midnight, you’d heard a loud thud as the door slammed, waking you. You found Ryan in the bathroom, his hand beneath a slow stream of water in the sink, head hanging down and eyes focused on his hand. “Ry?” You rubbed sleep from your eyes, blinking. “Everything OK?” His teeth were gritted, head shaking back and forth, and you saw a small amount of blood on the sink basin. “Ryan?” You were suddenly awake, hand reaching out to his wrist in panic.

 “Tore the calluses on two of my fingers.” He spoke matter of factly, looking down. “It’s happened before, and I knew it was comin’, but I didn’t want to stop playin’.” You watched him roll his eyes in the mirror. “Looks like I won’t be pickin’ up a guitar for a few days.” Letting out the breath that you’d been holding, you slipped an arm around his waist, leaning into him. 

 “It’s OK, Ry. You’ve got a week off of work, and we’re leaving for a few days, so…” You shrugged as his right arm lifted, wrapping around your shoulders. “It happened at a … good time?” He sighed. “You know what this means, hmm?” You looked up at him, waiting until his eyes were on you before continuing. “Means you get to take an actual vacation. No work, no playing, no… worrying. Just you and me and the ocean and -”

 “And you signing a contract for another show.” Ryan’s cheeks grew pink above his beard as he smiled at you, one eyebrow going up. “The most important thing, isn’t it?” I guess so. The staggering check that you’d received in the mail about a month after the end of the Philadelphia exhibit for show’s sales had floored you, and you couldn’t believe that someone else wanted to meet with you about repeating the process. Finally making contact with Lori’s friend Andrea had resulted in her inviting you to come out and meet with her at your convenience - another surprise. Ryan had urged you to go before the end of the year, and so you’d set up the trip for the end of the first week in November, Ryan surprising you when he told you that if you wanted him to go with you, he was available. “David’s taking a few days off to spend some time with his family, and so he’s giving me the time off, too.” 

 Ryan had planned on taking a guitar with him, but the injured fingers had changed those plans, and even though you knew it was strange for him to not have the instrument on his back, you could tell that he was enjoying the freedom. “What do you want to do tonight, Ryan?” As you finished eating, you looked at him from across the table, watching as the wind blew through the ends of his hair that stuck out from beneath his hat. “We’ll still have an hour or so to walk around here before I’m supposed to be at the gallery, so the rest of the night is…” You paused. The gallery you were going to was near Telegraph Hill, but your hotel was in the Haight-Ashbury area, because when you’d booked it, Ryan had been planning on playing with locals if he could. I don’t know if he’ll still want to… “We can still go to the Panhandle, and some of those coffee shops if you want, Ryan.” He frowned, but you continued. “Just because you can’t play guitar, it doesn’t mean that  you can’t sing … or just watch.” 

 You’d watched him interact with other musicians before, seamlessly entering into performances without missing a beat, and had no doubt that he’d be able to do the same in San Francisco, but you could tell he was apprehensive about his lack of instrument and needing to rely on the strength of his voice. “It’s a little different here. I have a buddy named Cliff, so I’m gonna call him, but I don’t know, my guitar is…” 

 “Hey.” You reached over the tabletop, touching the back of his hand. “You don’t need the guitar, Ryan. Your voice is enough.” He was silent for a few moments but then nodded, resolve in his eyes. 

 “It is. I’ll call him when you’re talking with Andrea.” About that… 

 “Ryan?” You pressed your lips together, leaning in. “She… I told her you were coming out here with me, and she wants to meet you.” His eyes widened and Ryan sat up straight, taking his hat off and running his right hand through his hair. “Yeah. I should have told you earlier, but…” You shook your head. “She loved the picture of you, Ry. And I can’t blame her, I’m not surprised she wants you to be there, but if you don’t want to go, I get it.” He paused for only a second, settling his hat back on his head. 

 “Of course I’ll go.” You felt yourself relax, watching as he leaned back, fingers gripping the edge of the table. “Anything you need.” 

 --- 

 An hour and a half later, a car dropped you off in front of Andrea’s gallery, a modern looking building on Lombard Street, and Ryan reached for your hand as soon as you stepped out of the vehicle, squeezing tightly. “Thank you for coming, Ryan.” He winked at you in response, and the two of you entered the building, still hand in hand and introduced yourselves to the young man sitting behind the front desk. While you waited, you and Ryan looked around the lobby of the building, talking quietly about the paintings and photographs hanging there. These are good. Much better than mine. You frowned as you looked, feeling Ryan’s thumb circling against the side of your hand reassuringly. 

 “They’re not.” He spoke quietly. “Yours are just as good as these, if not better.” Did I say it out loud? You turned to look at Ryan, who was gazing down at you, eyes focused. “You are incredible.” Just as you were about to respond, a middle-aged woman with bright red hair stepped into the lobby, a huge smile on her face. 

 “We’ve been waiting for you two!” She stepped over, introducing herself and offering her hand to you and then Ryan to shake.“Please come and sit in my office. We’ll walk through the main gallery.” As she led you through the space - wide open, bright light filtering through the windows, you couldn’t help looking around, taking in the images. I don’t belong here. This isn’t… Philadelphia was one thing, but San Francisco? I can’t. Ryan’s fingers stayed laced with yours, keeping you grounded, but you knew that if you chewed any harder on your lower lip, you’d bleed. 

 By the time the three of you made it to Andrea’s office, a comfortable room with a small couch that she urged you and Ryan to sit on, you had a gnawing sensation in the pit of your stomach. Shouldn’t have eaten that burger. It had seemed like such a good idea to come out, to meet with her and to discuss another show, but now that you were there, that it was actually a possibility, you were filled with doubt. “Thank you for having us, ma’am.” Ryan’s quiet voice broke the silence, and you looked over, surprised to see that he’d removed his hat, tucking it into the front pocket of his hoodie. “You’ve got a real nice place here.” With his few words, your apprehension melted away, replaced by resolve. He believes in me. 

 “No, thank you for making it out here!” Andrea raised one eyebrow, grinning. “And please, don’t call me ma’am, Andrea is fine… I’ve still got a few more years to go before ma’am is fitting.” Ryan laughed and you did too, leaning back in your seat as Andrea took her place across from you, crossing her legs at the knee. “So, Lori raved about you.” Andrea nodded her head as she spoke. “Said you came in one day to speak with her, and you were so confident that she couldn’t help but give you some space.” Yeah, I guess that’s what happened. “And your photographs? I flew in to visit her before the end of the show, and I was so impressed with what I saw that I couldn’t believe it. That was your first showing?” 

 “Yeah, I mostly do work for websites and magazines, but I’ve never had work showcased like that before - all in one place.” The woman watched you intently, eyes on your face. “I was back in Philadelphia cleaning out my parents’ place, and…”

 “I read about you, about what happened to them.” Her voice softer, Andrea’s eyes narrowed in sympathy. “That had to be very difficult.” Ryan reached over, putting a hand on your knee and squeezing without prompting. “But tragedies are sometimes what we need to push us further, right?” She paused, looking down at Ryan’s hand. “And when we have people to support us?” Her smile was genuine, and she continued. “We can get through things.” Oh, if you only knew. Changing the topic, you and Andrea talked for a few minutes about the Philadelphia show, about what motivated you to take some of the shots, about how you chose what to include. Ryan was a silent observer, but his presence kept you focused, the gentle sweep of his thumb on the inside of your knee comforting. “But my real question is about Ryan here.” Andrea motioned to him with one hand, her attention shifting. “And why he was the singlular human inclusion in your first show.” 

 Ryan’s POV 

 The question surprised him, but Ryan knew that it had surprised you more. “He was the only face in there, the only person… I just want to know why.” Andrea fell silent, waiting, and Ryan did too, wanting to know what you’d say. I know part of it, but… 

 “I’ve never felt anything before like what I felt with him in Las Vegas.” Your voice wavered only once, and you continued. “That picture was taken on the night before I left the city… before I left Ryan.” You shook your head and looked over at him, a sad smile on your face. “I was just trying to take a picture of him that would do him justice, that would show people how I saw him, even after only a few days of knowing him.” You looked down at your lap, reaching out with a hand to place it over Ryan’s, his flipping to make it easier. “I’d just met him, but it was like we’d known each other for years.” You looked up at Andrea, shrugging your shoulders. “He was proud of himself, and I was proud of him, too. Even though I didn’t know whether or not we’d ever see each other again after I left Vegas, I’d always have that moment, that memory.” The redhead nodded. “And I wanted people to see it, because at the time that I was putting the show together, we’d fallen out of contact.” 

 “I lost my phone,” Ryan said sadly. “I used to jump trains, and I slipped and lost it, and had no way of getting ahold of her.” Andrea’s face fell sympathetically, and Ryan continued. “It was a hard couple of months.” That’s putting it mildly. 

 “So I picked that picture, because… Ryan was the brightest part in some really dark moments of my life, and even if I didn’t have him, I’d… had him, just for a few days.” You trailed off. “I wanted to make him for everyone else what he was for me - larger than life, almost unreal. I wanted to remember him forever.” His heart thudded in his chest as the room went silent, and Ryan fought with himself not to grab you and kiss you on the couch. You can’t do that, Brenner. 

 “Anyone can take a photograph. Buildings and scenery and landscapes and all that… it’s easy.” Andrea spoke quietly, nodding her head slowly. “But it takes skill to capture that - a person, someone that’s basically a stranger - the way that you did with Ryan.” Andrea brought her eyes back up, looking at you and Ryan fought back a grin. Here we go. “I’ve been with my wife for over a decade, and we’ve taken thousands of pictures of each other, and none of them are like that.” Her eyes moved to Ryan. “I felt like I knew you looking at that picture, Ryan. That single moment was enough.” He nodded once, lip twitching into the barest of smiles. “So we’ve got an exhibit that’s ending at the beginning of the year, and a new one that opens at the end of January.” Andrea paused, leaning in. “That one ends in May.” Taking a breath, she tilted her head to the side. “Would six months be enough for you to go through your current work and take some new pictures so that you could open next June?” 

--- 

 He’d excused himself while you and Andrea went over the basics of a contract and a schedule, stepping out onto the front steps of the gallery and pulling his phone out. He called his friend, pacing back and forth on the sidewalk as they spoke, and made plans to meet up later that evening, Ryan explaining that he hadn’t brought his guitar. “Dude, it’s fine.” Cliff’s laugh through the phone comforted Ryan, and he exhaled. “You can still sing, it’s no big deal. This is so casual.” After only a few minutes, he hung up, looking around. Even if you stayed in South Carolina for a few extra months at the end of your current lease, you’d still be out by the time your exhibit opened, onto the next place, and Ryan figured you’d want to move away from the coast, settling somewhere in the Midwest. There has to be somethin’ that we can do, some way that we can find a place. 

 Before he could get too lost in his thoughts, the front door of the gallery opened and you stepped out, Andrea close behind. “Thank you again for coming.” She was grinning. “I’ll have our legal team finalize that contract and then send it over for you to look at.” You nodded, reaching out to shake the woman’s hand again as you thanked her. “And Ryan?” He licked his lips as he looked at Andrea, feeling you step next to him. “Take care of her.” I will. He grinned too, reaching out to shake the woman’s hand. “I hope you’ll come out here with her again when she’s setting up.” 

 “Plan on it.” He ducked his head, kissing the top of yours, and as you pulled him away from the gallery, both of you were silent until you’d crossed the street, turning the corner. “Well?” He spoke when you stopped, interrupting as you reached into your purse for your phone to call another Uber. “Everything good?” You didn’t answer right away and Ryan reached out, putting his hands on your shoulders, waiting. When you looked up at him, he saw the excitement in your eyes before you’d even spoken, the doubt all but gone. 

 “Yeah, Ryan, I’m… I’ve got a second show, and she wants me to have at least 200 images, and - “ Ryan moved, cutting you off with a kiss that started out slow, one hand leaving your shoulder and moving to the back of your head, his fingers tangling in your hair. You parted your lips for him, and he angled his head, drawing you closer. He could taste the mint on your breath from the mouthwash you’d used before getting into the first Uber, and though Ryan wanted to keep kissing you, he pulled away, taking a deep breath. “What was that for?” Everything. 

 “For bein’ you,” he replied simply. “For bein’ honest with Andrea… for always lookin’ at me like you could see me instead of just lookin’ through me like everyone else did.” He swallowed the lump in his throat and spoke again, pulling you to his chest and hugging you tightly. “You coulda just watched a song and moved on like everyone else, but you didn’t. You stopped and you took a minute and you didn’t just see a guitar or hear a voice.” Ryan paused, closing his eyes and wrinkling his nose. “It’s like I’ve always been more to you, even when I wasn’t.” 

 “You were,” you replied quietly, taking a deep breath and shuddering. “Even before I knew you, knew your name, knew… who you were, you were more.” You shrugged, shaking your head and leaning forward, resting your forehead against his chest. “You were what I wanted to be but never found, Ryan. You… I couldn’t walk by. How could anyone?” I donno. Ryan’s hands moved up from your back, holding your face between them as he shook his head slowly back and forth. 

 “No idea. But I’m glad you didn’t.” You smiled, turning your head slightly to kiss the heel of his hand, eyes closing as your lips lingered on his skin. It’s that simple. “I love you.” He felt warm - like he did every time he got to look at you and say those words, and Ryan continued, urging you to look back at him. “You still wanna go to the Panhandle tonight?” A nod, your eyes full of light, and he tightened his fingers marginally, applying pressure to the area right behind your jaw. “Good. I got ahold of Cliff, we can meet him at seven.” 

 “Ry?” He hummed a response, watching you blink slowly at him. “It’s only 3:30, can we go back to the room for a while?” 

 ---

POV: You 

 After the stifling heat on the East coast, you were thrilled that you had a few days worth of cooler weather to enjoy. After you and Ryan had returned to the hotel room, where he’d eased you down into the bed and thoroughly congratulated you on the new exhibit, you’d napped, waking only when you heard the shower running. Joining him and playfully slapping his hands away in order to be sure that both of you actually showered so that you could meet his friends on time, you spent the entire shower watching him out of the corner of your eye and appreciating the way that the soapy water ran down his long, lean body. 

 “Jeans and boots?” Ryan was in the bathroom doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed over his chest. “I’ve died and gone to heaven.” You laughed, looking up at him as you tugged the zipper of your boot up, hair hanging in a single sheet over your shoulder. 

 “You’ve never seen me in cold weather clothes, Ryan Brenner.” You stood, cocking your head to the side. “I live in jeans and boots in the fall and winter.” He looked you up and down, a smirk on his face. “You’re not the only one that can wear the hell out of denim.” He laughed, a hand moving through his hair as he stepped into the room and sat down on the bed next to where you’d been, pulling his own boots back on. 

 Silently, pulled on your overshirt - a black and gray flannel that had been your dads, and was one of the softest shirts you owned. “You’re perfect, you know that?” What? His voice was quiet as you turned, tucking the hem of Ryan’s green t shirt into the front of your jeans. “That your dad’s shirt?” You nodded, allowing him to pull you down onto his lap, his lips finding the side of your neck. “It’s good that you kept it.” You sat in silence, Ryan’s hand gripping your thigh and then he sighed. “We should get goin’, if we’re gonna walk it’s gonna take some time.” Standing, you turned to face Ryan and held your hands out, waiting for him to grip them so that you could pretend to help him get to his feet, but instead, he tugged you forward, surprising you as he laid back. 

 “Ryan!” You laughed as you landed on him, hair fanning out around your head. “What are you doing?” He let go of your hands and moved his to your hips, fingers beneath the flannel and gripping the material of his shirt. “You said we needed to go!” But you were laughing still, leaning down to kiss his mouth, lips meeting his readily. 

 “Just wanted another minute with you,” he mumbled, kissing the corner of your mouth and then your cheek, reaching up to push your hair away from your face. “I know we have to go, but…” You knew what he was trying to say, because you felt it, too. Though the two of you did things separately often, the times that you spent together were better  - and neither of you were unselfish enough to cut those moments any shorter than necessary. You’d been without him physically for nearly a year, and out of contact for months, and you weren’t about to waste any additional time when you had it because the truth of the matter was that neither of you really had anywhere concrete to be, except with each other. 

 Ryan finally pushed you off of him, groaning. “Yeah, yeah, Ry.” You rolled your eyes as you stood, again holding a hand out to him and tugging as he stood. “You excited to see your friends?” You put a hand on your hip as he looked to the wall next to the bed - where his guitar would have been. 

 “Wish I had my guitar.” You’d hurt yourself even more… you’ll be fine. “My voice is…”

 “Your voice is perfect, Ryan. You’re going to sing and you’re going to enjoy yourself, and you’re not even going to miss that guitar.” He looked at you, shaking his head. “Also, I have a surprise for you.” One eyebrow raised, he watched as you stepped over to your suitcase, reaching in and rooting around. “I figured you knew someone out here.” You sighed as your fingers closed around the small object. “And I knew that even though you couldn’t play, you’d want to sing with them.” Holding up the recorder, you watched as Ryan’s face lit up. “I didn’t think you’d even think about bringing it, so… I packed it for you.” 

 “You’re the best. What would I do without you?” Ryan’s relief and appreciation were genuine, and he took the device from you, tucking it into the pocket of his jeans. You’ll never find out.  “Ready?” You nodded as you grabbed the room key from the dresser, following him out of the room. 

--- 

 Cliff was waiting in the park with two other people - a man and a woman, both carrying instruments of their own. Magen had a banjo, Tommy had a set of well-worn bongos and Cliff’s guitar showed all the signs of being played for years without looking shabby. They welcomed Ryan into the group without pause, Cliff throwing his arms around  the taller man as he introduced everyone - and then, to your surprise, he hugged you, too. Oh, OK. “It’s good to finally meet you.” His smile was wide, and you couldn’t help returning it, throwing Ryan a questioning glance. “Brenner won’t shut up about you.” Cliff rolled his eyes, continuing. “We saw him last fall in Kansas, and I knew then that he wasn’t gonna let you go.” With another look at Ryan, you saw that his cheeks were bright red, lips pressed together in an embarrassed smile. Really? “Talked to him after Christmas, too, when he was in St. Louis.” It was Cliff’s turn to frown, and even as you felt Ryan’s hand on your hip, your heart thumped as you recalled the time - so recent - that you’d thought he was gone forever. “I’m glad you two found each other.” Cliff nodded again, gesturing to Ryan’s hand. “But you’re hurt again, Brenner? Come on!”

 “Played for so long I tore the calluses on my fingers, Cliff.” Ryan cleared his throat. “Already feel better, but I can’t play for a few days… still gonna sing, though.” The mood shifting, Cliff gestured to a blanket only a few feet away and you and Ryan settled in, the others gathering around you. Ryan let the three of them play for a few songs, Magen’s voice soulful and definitely not what you expected out of her and Tommy clearly in love with the girl, as his eyes never left her, even as he played. Cliff was talented on the guitar, but you could tell that Ryan felt uncomfortable sitting idle, and after two songs, you leaned over, whispering in his ear. 

 “You said that you just sang at first when you were in St. Louis with Kenny, right?” He nodded, brown eyes filled with longing as he looked at Cliff’s instrument. “Do the same thing here. Ask them to play something that you can sing, and just don’t think about it.” He paused, letting them finish and then nodded, crossing his legs and turning the upper half of his body to face the other three. 

 “Mind if I join in?” He sounded hopeful, and the next couple of minutes were spent discussing what direction to go in, Ryan turning back to you and pulling the recorder out of his pocket, handing it to you. “You’ll know when to turn it on.” Will I? He cleared his throat, waiting and when Tommy started playing, everyone else joined in. They played three songs, Magen and Ryan taking turns on lead vocals, Cliff joining in at times and then took a break, talking amongst themselves and to the people that had stopped. There were just as many people giving Ryan longing looks as there were gazing as Magen, but even as he talked with the people that stopped, he made it clear that he was with you - a hand on top of yours, fingers trailing down your arm, leaning over to kiss you on the cheek. No doubt. 

 Ryan relaxed as the night went on, but you never got the sense that what was happening was special - well, special enough to be out of the ordinary, at least. The four musicians played well together, complimenting each other, ad libbing, extending songs… and you watched eagerly, drinking the performances in. By nine thirty, it was fully dark out, the park crowd changing to adults, to people that were there specifically to listen to performers like your group, and you offered to get up, buying bottles of water from a nearby Chevron station for everyone so that they could keep playing. You took your time walking to and from the building, the bag over your arm full of water and a Red Bull for yourself that you knew Ryan would drink half of, admiring the area that you were in. 

 When you got back to the group, they were between songs, and Ryan surprised you by pulling you down onto his lap, arms going around you as the five of you laughed with the gathered crowd. This is so different. You felt accepted by this group of Ryan’s friends, and though you were thankful, you were also sad that Georgie had responded to you in the way that he had. I wonder if he’d ever change his mind. Your questioning was short lived, because as soon as Ryan had drained the last of your can, he motioned for you to get off of him, standing up and stretching. They played another song - an ubeat one that had Ryan and Tommy laughing by the end, Ryan’s long legs folding beneath him as he sat back down, bumping his shoulder into yours. 

 Without pause, Cliff began playing another song, Tommy’s drums joining in without missing a beat. Eyes widening, you scrambled for the recorder, flipping it on and pressing record even as you moved away from Ryan to get a better vantage point. “All you, Brenner.” You heard Magen’s voice, quiet and sure as she lowered her banjo, letting Cliff and Tommy take over. Ryan took a deep breath and started singing, eyes closing after only a few words. 

 It's the time of the season

When love runs high

And this time, give it to me easy

And let me try with pleasured hands

 Magen’s voice joined his as he reached the chorus, and you were shocked at how well they blended together. His face, it’s different… he… His eyes were squeezed shut, nose crinkled as he breathed life into the words, and you vaguely noticed a growing crowd of people around you, pausing to listen and watch, staying respectfully silent. Ryan’s eyes opened again in the interlude between verses, his head turning toward you, eyes landing on your face just before he started singing again. Ryan inhaled, one eyebrow raised as he reached a hand out to you, fingertips grazing the curve of your cheek. 

 What's your name? 

Who's your daddy?

Is he rich like me?

Has he taken, any time

To show you what you need to live

 You couldn’t breathe. He’s trying to kill me. In Ryan’s voice, the words that you’d heard hundreds of times before took on new meaning, the way he stared at you as he sang - like he was the one that had written the lyrics, that the song was for you… it was unlike anything you’d heard before. His eyes closed again as Magen joined in, Ryan’s hand falling away from your face and back into his lap as he continued to sing, wetting his lips with his tongue with another inhalation. 

 Though the verse was repeated, Ryan and Magen switched the lead, his deep tone almost more suited for the echoes than the main lines, but by the third time they sang it - together, you could tell that she’d resigned herself to being the backup. This is even better than Vegas. Ryan took a final breath before the last lines of the song, closing his eyes again, and you watched his upper lip curl, the last notes leaving his lips and lingering in the air. When he finally stopped singing, Ryan opened his eyes again, lips parting as his tongue poked out. Before even looking at the crowd, Ryan turned to you, and you saw his lower lip tremble, the expression on his face one of hope and surprise. 

 “I got it.” You nodded, reaching down and pressing the ‘stop’ button on the device, nodding. “Every bit of it.” He let out a deep breath just as the final guitar note faded away and people began to clap, stepping forward and dropping money into the guitar case in front of you. Oh, Ryan. Even as he stood, a smile on his face as he spoke to the people watching, Ryan’s right hand reached down, fingers spread as he tapped on your shoulder, urging you to your feet. 

 Standing, he put his arm around your shoulders and gestured to Magen, waiting for her to stand as both Cliff and Tommy did the same, the conversation around you growing louder as everyone spoke at the same time, excitedly. He was right. You looked around, noticing the looks on people’s faces. They see performances like this all the time, and yet.. This one… they can tell it was special. A few minutes later, you’d pulled away from Ryan and everyone had settled back in, the music starting again without fail. It doesn’t matter what else they play tonight - that was it.

 Heart beating quickly, you allowed your mind to wander, trying to figure out how you and Ryan were going to get to all of the places he wanted to go so that he could connect with his friends and sing - the way he’d done that night, the way he’d done in New York, even the way he’d done in Vegas in front of the Eiffel Tower. The setting doesn’t matter. It’s the people, the feeling that he gets. 

 That night, sitting on a threadbare blanket on the grass of San Francisco’s Panhandle, you made an important decision: no matter what you had to do, you were going to make sure that Ryan got to where he needed to go and to who he needed to see. I owe you that, Ryan Brenner. You deserve it. 

---

[forestwater87]

I detested most stuff and I still do

You see, I hate everything but you

“God, this is lame.”

“Aw come on, Max!” David, attracted like a bloodhound to the slightest hint of negativity, flocked to Max and gave him his most winning grin. (David rarely won anything, especially with that stupid smile.)  “This is a very special experience for you campers!”

Max rolled his eyes. “A shitty waterpark in the middle of nowhere, full of screaming kids. It’s a dream come true.”

“Well, maybe if you went in the water you’d feel better! I could hold your sweatsh --”

“Touch it and die, camp man.”

“Seriously, Max,” Gwen said, coming up behind David with her arms already crossed in what she probably thought was an intimidating pose. Would probably be scarier if she wasn’t constantly trailing behind David like a duckling with an attitude problem. “This stupid trip cost us money we don’t have, so you better not ruin it.”

“Even if I wanted to run away, where would I go?” He threw his arms out to the side, making a dramatic show of looking around. “This place is more isolated and run-down than most Saw traps. Pretty sure I’ll die of tetanus just walking around.”

David looked like he wanted to say something inspiring (and dumb), but something over Max’s shoulder snagged his attention. “Mr. Campbell! Put those ‘No Running’ signs back!”

As the counselors ran off -- well, David ran; Max was pretty sure Gwen wouldn’t run unless a serial killer was chasing her -- he let his disinterested mask turn into an actual, evil-villain smile.

He’d only said he wouldn’t run away, after all. There were lots of things he could fuck up besides trying to escape.

He just needed his partners in crime . . .

“Max!” Right on time. He had a split second to brace himself before Nikki collided into his back, looping an arm around his neck and nearly dragging them both to the pockmarked cement. “This place is awesome! There are water guns attached to poles and I sprayed Preston in the face!”

“Amazing, Nik,” he replied, shrugging her off and readjusting his hoodie. “You really can find the bright side to even the shittiest things.”

Neil trotted up to them, already a little out of breath and wiping the sweat from his hairline. Max pulled an inhaler refill out of his hoodie pocket, but he waved it away and said, “I don’t think we can steal the guns. Not without a screwdriver, and I’m pretty sure I left mine in the tent.”

Nikki had already moved on. “The vending machine over there is broken! Neil and I got twelve packets of Cracker Jacks!”

“Do you even like Cracker Jacks?” he asked. Weren’t those just packing peanuts covered in caramel?

“I don’t know!” She tore a package open with her teeth and tossed the entire thing into her mouth. “Not really!”

Neil grimaced. “Jesus, Nikki, at least finish chewing --”

“Catch!” Nikki had already ripped into another packet and tossed a handful of Cracker Jacks in his face.

While Neil was spluttering and wiping peanuts off his face, Max said, “So what percentage of the water here d’ya think is pee? I wanna make sure I really emphasize the health code violations in my letter home. Maybe Mom and Dad will be so pissed off they sue the camp.”

(Not that they would; he was convinced his parents had learned English mostly by watching family sitcoms and cheesy coming-of-age movies, and they were convinced that garbage heaps like Camp Campbell “built character” and were part of the “true American experience.” No amount of common sense would get through to them. They were parents -- so, basically hopeless.)

Neil gave the pool a slightly nauseated look before shaking it off and turning back to him. “Even you have to admit this is a little fun.”

“I really don’t think I do.” He swept his arm up and over his head in a wide semicircle. “It’s a beautiful sunny day, everyone’s enjoying themselves, there’s some weird hipster shit playing over this place’s one broken loudspeaker. It’s picturesque. Disgusting .”

Nikki cocked her head to the side, listening to the tinny music crackling through the air like it was being played through a tin can. (And by a tin can. It sounded like a pile of tin cans in a clothes dryer that was also somehow tin cans.) “I kinda like it.”

“There’s a mandolin in this song. You know where mandolins belong? At Ren Faires and Scottish funerals.” Probably. He didn’t know much about Scottish funerals -- or what “Ren Faires” were beyond that Nerris liked them, and she seemed like the kind of weirdo who’d listen to tiny guitars -- but he doubted Neil or Nikki did either, so he was fairly confident he could get away with saying it.

His friends exchanged a look, one that set Max’s teeth on edge. “You’re doing it again,” Nikki said.

“Doing what?”

“Hating things,” Neil replied.

That wasn’t what Max had been expecting. “I mean . . . yeah,” he finally said, shaking his head. “It’s kinda my brand.”

“I know.” Nikki started chewing on the tip of one of her pigtails, the hair muffling her words. “And usually I like causing mischief, but it’s hot and I wanna go on the water slides!”

“She’s right,” Neil added, and Max began to feel like he was in some sort of intervention. “I know this place isn’t the best --”

“I’d rather be in Super Guantanamo.”

“-- but is it really more fun to just stand around being pissed off at everything?”

“Obviously.” The response was automatic, but the question actually threw him for a second.

Complaining was fun. He and Neil could spend an entire Saturday trading complaints and insults about the camp, their parents, even the weather if they were really running low on things that sucked. Max considered himself a champion at bitching about things, but Neil’s super-geek brain was so good at plucking out faults in even the most awesome things and somehow making these observations both stupidly obvious and even funny -- in his dry, “not entirely sure he’s actually joking” way.

And ruining things was fun: Nikki had the worst, impossiblest, batshit-craziest ideas, and buried in all that weirdness were some of the best pranks he’d ever pulled. Even when Max couldn’t shut her down on a bullshit scheme, it was fun watching his friends use science and Nikki-ness to make it work -- and fail, usually. It was even more fun when they were actually able to pull something off that shouldn’t have been possible (usually with his help and great insights; he was the best at causing mayhem and always would be) . . .

The look on Neil’s face when his jerry-rigged hamster ball actually allowed them to roll around the camp without popping on anything, even Nurf’s knives, was priceless. And so was Nikki’s war cry that sounded like an Indian from one of those old racist Westerns, which she reserved for explosions big enough to singe off their eyebrows.

But they didn’t want to do anything like that today. They wanted to just . . . what, enjoy themselves? In this pathetic soon-to-be-abandoned-and-bankrupt pile of junk?

And he was supposed to just go along with that?

Why the fuck would he?

They could hang out without him, they did it all the time. When he was busy . . .

Hating things, usually.

“Okay, fine,” he finally said, letting out a long, beleaguered sigh like they were being too annoying for words. (What? Sometimes being dramatic was fun too.) “I’ll do things your way for an hour. And if it still sucks, we break something. Like David’s legs.”

He wasn’t surprised by the way either of them smiled; after the entire summer he’d gotten very used to both of them. Nikki’s grin, so wide it was almost scary, with a tooth that got chipped during Fighting Camp and another one she lost a few weeks ago (then immediately swallowed to see if the tooth fairy would come into her stomach after it), the way she tilted her head like an excited puppy: same angle, same direction, every single time. Neil’s tiny, shy of his barely-crooked teeth, the way his gaze would land somewhere in the vicinity of Max’s face but never actually his eyes -- forehead, nose, for some reason his left ear (but never the right) -- before flicking down to stare at his dorky T-Rex hands, which he’d twist together until every finger-joint cracked, this teeny little divot in his right cheek that only showed up when he laughed, too small to even put a pinky in.

Max hated people smiling, especially smiling at him . But he didn’t totally mind with Neil or Nikki; they were his best friends, maybe his only friends. It’d be weird if they were frowning at him all the time.

“Come on then, sourpiss!” Nikki cried, taking one of his hands and gesturing for Neil to grab the other.

“Sour puss ,” he corrected, his fingers briefly settling on Max’s wrist, elbow, and forearm before closing tight around a handful of his sleeve.

Max let himself be dragged forward, wincing at the sticky caramel still on Nikki’s hand. “I’m not gonna run away,” he whined, scuffing his toes along the ground before remembering that he liked these sneakers. “You don’t have to --”

“Our way,” she reminded him, breaking into a half-skip, half-run that left Max and Neil stumbling to keep up. “Oooh, look! Flowers!”

“We aren’t seriously stopping and smelling flowers right now, are we?” Max demanded, almost overcome by the lameness of it.

Neil just shrugged, ducking away from a bee that zoomed out of the nearest one. “Our way, Max.”

He sighed and breathed in a lungful of pollen. “Yeah, yeah,” he managed between coughs. “But just for an hour.”

“It’s gonna be a rose, but like . . . a black one. With thorns. And it’ll say ‘Too Cool’ underneath. Maybe in the vines or something.”

“Wow, Ered!” Nikki said, leaning against the rickety wooden railing that was keeping them from falling off the long line up to the tallest slide. “Your dads will let you do that when you’re sixteen?”

She tossed her hair. “Totally.” She turned to Max and Neil. “You gonna get a tattoo?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna get ‘None of your fucking business’ on my forehead.”

Nikki pouted, shooting Ered an apologetic look. “Max, our way!”

“It’s been way over an hour,” he said. His hair and sweatshirt -- which he still refused to take off, though he did dump everything inside into David’s backpack -- were soaked and beginning to steam under the sun, and he pulled his hood over his eyes and rested his head on Neil’s shoulder. “Wake me up when we get to the top.”

His friends were quiet, Ered having turned her attention to a surprisingly impassioned conversation with Nerris over the benefits of each class in DnD. After a moment Nikki said, “Well, the hour is over.”

“And he’s still here.” Neil smelled like sunscreen and chlorine, and his skin was burning warm like the sunburn he would inevitably still get. As a strong breeze shook the wooden tower they were standing on, a chill caused Max to lean more heavily into him for warmth and wind-blocking. (Not snuggling. Not even in the same neighborhood as snuggling.) “Better than I’d expected.”

He could hear Nikki’s smile. “Me too!” They shuffled forward, ignoring the alarming creak of the wood beneath them. “He’s a good friend, deep down.”

“Ehh, very deep down, I guess.”

“Oh yeah. Like, in his toes or something.”

“You know I can still hear you, right?” Max said without opening his eyes.

“Absolutely,” Neil replied.

“We were counting on it!” Nikki added brightly.

“Max!” They’d reached a bend in the line, and he realized with horror, opening his eyes, that they’d come into view of David, who was apparently accompanying Space Kid. Birds of an annoying, friendless feather . “I’m so happy to see you’re enjoying yourself! Isn’t it great having fun off the grid like this?” David’s voice was sincere, a little bit tearful, but with an underlying I told you so that made his blood boil.

Max turned to Nikki and Neil, who understood what he was thinking from his expression. “We’re not letting him get away with that, right?” he muttered.

“Of course not,” Neil said immediately, and Nikki nodded.

“Slide first, though,” she said, as though they were going to just leap off the side of the tower or something. (Which, considering her, couldn’t be ruled out.)

Max grinned, giving in to the oppressive sunshine and shrugging out of his hoodie. “Slide first,” he agreed. “Then we’re doing things my way.”

[dreamterlude]

druck s3e01, a review

As promised, here's the very long, very messy s3e01 review, clip by clip!

CLIP 1

Right from the start, I really like the way you can feel Matteo's solitude thanks to the use of the music and how it "stops" when the camera's on him, I think it's a really smart move to show how he feels, like he's worlds apart, detached from all what's happening around him.

Then the shot changes from a guy's hands, a girl with a gut tattoo (absolutely love it) and a girl's ass, Idk if this has any purpose but it's still a cool effect, so kudos to the cinematography.

The moment Matteo stands up and goes to the bathroom but Sara stops him and kisses him really sets the tone of their relationship: Matteo's face when kissing Sara says a lot about his situation, like he's hugging her but at the same time he's not happy about it, his face shows apathy and resignation.

Really really loved the scene with the boys in the bathtub!! I think it does an awesome job at "introducing" (we already knew them) them. They talk about some sex position and act like dumbasses, but again Matteo feels like he's not there.

The shot of Matteo looking at himself in the mirror goes deeper into his confused and ausent kinda aura, it's as if he was wondering what is he doing there in that party, what is he doing with his life in general, which honestly? hella relatable.

HIGHLIGHTS: Boys gang's one common braincell, "Kiki is the hypotenuse", Dónde está mi gente playing in the background.

CLIP 2

First of all I love Matteo's room and I can't wait to see more of it!

The song choice is so on point for this scene like wow, it really helps the whole "lazy morning after" mood and also has a high melancholic vibe, which is (imo) very Matteo.

Also, the use of the lyrics!!! "I woke up but it didn't go away" right before Matteo sees his mother's message, "did you expect me to cry" when he's touching Jonas' hair and "will you not think of me tonight" when he sees the number on Jonas' arm. So far Druck has been exceptionally good at the song choices and the way they use them so I'm not exactly surprised at how good this was.

Bringing back the moment Matteo touched Jonas' hair because it was really important!! I made a post about this, but the fact that Matteo only shows this softer side of him because he's "alone" says a lot about himself and it's actually really sad. Not only that, this moment also shows that he's not over Jonas, and that makes a lot of sense for me, because he seemed to be really into him back in s1 (s2 too but especially s1).

HIGHLIGHTS: "Why are you in Matteo"s bed" "I could ask the same" " I was waiting for you", Matteo's tracksuit + grandpa jacket combination, we love a fashion icon.

CLIP 3

Right from the beginning, the absolute chaotic gay energy of Matteo replying to Sara's pic with "cool" and the shrug after that, he's not even trying, he doesn't know what to do or how he got himself into that situation.

Once again, when talking to his friends and the girls it seems like his body is there but hia mind is miles apart. Also!! when Sam tells him about how good the party was and he agrees even though it's clear (for the viewer) that he didn't have a good time, I think this is a good way to show the viewers Matteo's "wish" to fit in, and how he's always pretending.

And then!! The Scene!!!! I've talked about this on other posts but the way Matteo and David checked each other out was so not subtle, I loved it. The slow-motion, the song choice, the moment their stares connected, then again when both of them turned their heads to keep looking... what can I say except poetic cinema.

Also major kudos to Michelangelo for Matteo's slight facial change, it really shows that the encounter with David shook him up, even though he still doesn't know why.

HIGHLIGHTS: The way Hanna looked at Jonas! I love that Druck doesn't forget about past plots and instead continues them with little details like this.

Unrelated but Matteo I'm begging you please wear a fucking belt.

CLIP 4

First of all, what's up with the teachers not wearing bras??? I have nothing against women choosing not to wear bras but like, why is this a recurring theme for the "Isak" season?? I honestly don't get it.

I don't think there's a lot to comment in this clip, it's basically a way to introduce Matteo and Amira's friendship (something I'm hella excited for) and to set the date for The Meeting™.

That being said, there were little things that made me love this clip, like Matteo's body language. The way he shrugs and rolls his eyes, you can really feel how (physically and emotionally) tired he is just by looking at him. You don't have to understand german to know what he's thinking, you can get a sense of it based on the way he acts!! All this is thanks to Michelangelo for being so fucking good at acting, like wow.

Another thing I liked was Matteo's mood getting worse after seeing Jonas flirt with that girl, as I've said before I like that they're showing us that he's still not completely over him, it makes it more real to me.

HIGHLIGHTS: Amira looking like a goddess in that pink hijab, Matteo's "nein" when the teacher called him out, the masterpiece that is "Idk, a blowjob".

CLIP 5

Once again, I love Matteo's room!! That yoga cushion he was using? a comfortable king.

There are 4 things that I want to talk about in this clip, first, Matteo texting his friends that he's also "busy". As I've said in the clips above, he really feels that he has to pretend to be someone he isn't and that's such a realistic side of being in the closet, I feel like Druck is doing a good job in showing that.

Then, the fact that he doesn't close his eyes when kissing Sara. He's not invested in the kiss (for obvious reasons) and he just wishes it would end, but at the same time he doesn't neglect it? Like he's in a level of resignation where he doesn't care anymore.

I feel like I mention this way too much but!! the body language!!! it's so important in a character like Matteo, who (so far) doesn't seem to be very talkative. When Sara asks him if they're together, you can see how uncomfortable he is with the idea but at the same time it's like he's trying to convince himself that this (being with Sara) is how things are supposed to be. Which, not gonna lie, is sad as fuck.

And finally, the moment in which Matteo asks Sara if she wants to watch a movie with him. She was clearly expecting something else (her face says it all), but Matteo looks content, almost happy. Maybe because of the relief he feels since he doesn't have to kiss her?? or maybe because he has someone keeping him company, someone that likes him and is affectionate with him. In this sense, I feel like Matteo is using Sara not only to pretend he's straight, but also as an emotional support, sort of. Based on the scene in the 2nd clip, he seems like a very touch starved person, craving for some affection, and right now the one who can help with that is Sara.

HIGHLIGHTS: "Should I do some research?" Matteo you absolute disaster gay. Sara being cute and lovely (I really hope she's not like other Emmas).

CLIP 6 aka The Clip™

Okay with this clip I'm going straight to Matteo and David's interactions because this is getting really long, rip.

The way Matteo's whole aura changes around David!! He's really trying hard to come off as a cool guy but David is highkey having none of that shit, I love it. Like when Matteo puts the joint on his ear and says "come on", excuse me? who is this smooth motherfucker and what has he done to my gremlin son? For real now, I love that we got to see this side of Matteo, and I'm really really excited to see more of it.

But also the way David was checking Matteo out when he was looking for the joint like, wow, he seems to really like him already (and I don't even mean in a romantic way, not yet).

The whole conversation they had is a masterpiece and I could say a lot about it, but my favorite parts would be as they follow:

David saying he "murdered someone" (the metaphor is strong here) and the subsequent "I murdered my parents joke" that comes from it. Weird humor sense but Matteo seems to like it, in fact he laughs! for the first time since the season started he seems to be present, invested in the moment, laughing!! Rewatching the episode, the change in Matteo's behaviour is really noticeable, he went from being ausent around his friends and Sara to being incredibly "present" during his conversation with David. Let me just say: poetic cinema.

But also the fact that Matteo hides his smile really quick, like he's still being guarded, like he didn't expect David to make him feel.

The!! eyelash!! thing!! This was such a nice, kinda awkward moment, absolutely my favorite one. Matteo growing some confidence and asking if he gets to make a wish now, licking his lips while looking at David, like... wow. I absolutely love that David asked him what would he had wished for, because it gave us some insight to Matteo's situation: he just wants to go away, which considering all he's been through, makes a lot of sense.

It also gave us some information about David! he said he also wanted to get away and go to Detroit, since that was where the best music came from. I like that with this simple conversation we got to know more about both of them.

Then, the way David's mood changed when Sara came in and kissed Matteo, he looked so... disappointed? He was like "gtg". Also, something I noticed rewatching the episode: when he said goodbye he only looked at Matteo!!

And last but not least, when Sara said "that's him, the guy Leonie has a crush on" and Matteo replied with "no I think that's someone else", I'm genuinely curious about this?? What is Matteo trying to do here?? I guess we'll have to wait 👀

HIGHLIGHTS: Amira, Sam and Kiki looking pretty as always, Matteo's face when Kiki suggested hugging teachers, Photoshop Markus, David's smile.

Anyways, that's it!! This got really long but I had a lot to say!! Druck has officially become my favorite remake, so I might do a review per episode if you guys like it uwu ♡