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cherryluvrx3 · 1 year ago

Text

meat lovers amirite??

Dave Strider x Reader x Karkat Vantas

Chapter 4

Okay.

This has gotta be one of the worst days ever.

Like if there was a shitty day tournament, this day would’ve made it to the semi finals at LEAST . Actually no, I’m sure there’s people out there dealing with way more horrible shit but still.

First, I barely slept last night and when I did finally fall asleep, I ended up forgetting to put my alarm so I was late and my first period teacher chewed me out (can’t stand that bitch). Then later at gym, I was messing around with Gamzee, shooting hoops, and then MY PANTS FUCKING RIPPED!!! It wasn’t super noticeable but I spent the whole day wondering if people could see my lower ass cheek. All because I was ballin'. Oh, and as if my clothes weren’t ruined enough, Terezi accidently squirted ketchup on my shirt during lunch. Then I got my last period’s test back and a big fat F was the final slap to the face.

Now school’s over, it’s windy as fuck outside and I’m walking shamefully back home, running on 3 hours of sleep, my ass cheek hanging out, and crusty ketchup on my shirt. I probably look as miserable as a soggy kitten.

I tugged my shirt down again to cover my ass with a huff. Oh and my stomach growling just reminded me that lunch today was also ass so I skipped it and am currently starving. It’s been about a week and so I got a new allowance and money to use so I could buy lunch I guess. Or maybe just a snack since I have pasta at home? It’s gotta be a comfort food though, I need some damn comforting after today. Maybe something sweet but what could I..

I stopped in front of a Pizza Hut poster advertising their sweet little cinnabons for only $5 bucks! Yeah I could totally go for those right about now.

I wonder if Dave works today? I could eat some sweeties while talkin’ up a sweetie- okay that was mad cringe I’m sorry.

Before me was a golden opportunity to finally ask his number! And if he says no.. then this’ll really be one of my worst moments ever. But I mean at least I’ll get cinnabons at the end of the day?

I took a deep breath and walked in, hearing a little bell jingle.

Behind the cash register was a goofy lookin kid with black hair and glasses but.. I looked around and.. No Dave.

I try not to let disappointment show on my face as he greeted me with a “Welcome to Pizza Hut how can I take your order?”

“Uh yeah can I get a 5 piece order of cinnabons please? That’s all” I say and give him the money. ��Alright, I’ll get you them right now.” and as he goes to grab them from their little oven thing, I hear a jingle as the door behind me opens and there walks in an exasperated Dave.

“John- oh..uh hey?” He awkwardly greets me as he heads behind the counter. “Hey.” I say nervously. “Wow you look like shit- I mean-” “Dave!” The guy who I’m guessing is John slaps his shoulder. It’s then I realize the wind probably whipped my hair in all types of crazy ways. “Nah it’s fine.. I look like shit ‘cause I’ve had a shit day..” I sigh as I grab my cinnabons from John. “Tell me about it, today’s been shit for me too! No joke, I almost got jumped.” Dave threw his arms up for dramatic effect.

“Huh-” “What?? Are you alright?” John asked, looking over Dave as if he would suddenly see any new injuries.

“Yeah I’m okay, I skedaddled and ran to the car- had to drop the pizza though.” He squeezed past John and went behind the counter to hang the car keys on a little hook that held a few other types of keys.

“Alright so what happened?” I asked and as Dave was about to answer, another guy with black hair and a mean face came out from the back. “The hell you’d get into this time, Strider?” He crossed his arm and asked in an irritated, accusatory tone.

“I’m literally innocent! I have done no wrong doings in the history of ever. I don’t know why you’d immediately think it’s my fault.” Dave grumbled while the other guy who’s name tag seemed to read ‘Karkat’ scoffed.

“But like I was saying,” Dave side eyed Karkat, or at least I think he did, hard to tell with the shades, “What had happened was this,” he lifted himself up to sit on the counter, John sat on a little chair by the register and Karkat stood near John. I was leaning on the counter with my elbows, intent on hearing whatever the tea was.

“Me, a valued, trustable worker, was just doing my job of delivering pizzas. I noticed the address was in a bit of a sketchy neighborhood but I thought to myself, ‘Y'know what Dave? Maybe these guys are alright citizens. Who are you to judge a book by it’s trashy, bullet riddled cover?’ right?” He began, “Then I stroll up to this ghetto house and knock on the door, it opens and low and behold there’s a fine looking gentleman that could be a prime example of the damage inbreeding does to a human,” I couldn’t help but snicker and John let out a few giggles too, “I says, “Hello sir, I have your pizza, the total is $14.99” and he just hands me a $10. I go, “Sorry sir but it seems you haven’t given me enough to pay, I can’t give you the pizza” and maybe he was having a shit day, like- his sister probably just broke up with him or something and I guess that was just the last straw cause dude just starts fuckin’ yelling at me.

Can’t lie I was scared, shaking in my fuckin’ boots at this meth addicted hillbilly hick that’s suddenly grabbing me by the collar of my shirt and shaking me like in a cartoon or something- dude was about to start winding up his fist to blow a punch hard enough to make me see little animated swirling stars 'n shit, seriously,” Dave laughs while speaking, clearly enjoying his own jokes, “And so, since I’m a big strong man, I shove the guy back, hard, and dude falls back into the house. Guess he had some friends over and I swear they must’ve just finished snorting up lines because I could see they had white dust on their faces and,” he leaned into me, “ I didn’t see no powdered donuts.” I bit my lip to hold in my laugh.

“So his buddies come, tryna back him up I guess. They start rolling up their sleeves ‘n shit and, I’m a man who picks and chooses his battles, and a battle between me and 4 hillbillies off a few lines of coke just ain’t a fight I wanna fight. So I just took off running and I guess druggies don’t have good balance cause them junkies was limping and hobbling after me as I booked it to the car. One of them grabbed me and I just threw the pizza at him and kept going.” He laughed and hopped off the counter to go to the little fridge they stored drinks in and get himself a coke.

I looked back and saw John who was snorting and giggling the whole time and Karkat who was trying to hold back a smile. Of course, I was cheesing hard through the whole story. Dave just has this way of pulling people in and the way he speaks just paints a perfect picture for telling stories.

“So yep, that’s that. Lost a good pizza and got no money. By the way, your hair’s still fucked dude.” Dave says after taking a sip of his soda.

“Ugh shit-” I immediately try to pat down any and all stray hairs, combing through the strands with my fingers.

“Who the hell even is this?” Karkat asks as if he suddenly noticed my presence and something about it makes me feel even more embarrassed, like I was intruding on something private.

“Oh uh, I’m just a customer haha..” I chuckle awkwardly and avert my gaze, I could still see John swat his shoulder and whisper ‘ rude!’’ Out of the corner of my eye.

“So eh.. you said you were having a bad day..?” John asks awkwardly as if trying to make me feel better. “Oh uh.. yeah but we don’t have to talk about it- I mean I’m sure you’ve guys got work-” “Nah go ahead, not like we’re doing anything anyways.” Dave says, encouraging me to speak, probably because he didn't wanna go back to work just yet.

“Well it’s not anything crazy like with you, just annoying school shit and I got a big ol’ ketchup stain on my shirt plus ripped pants.” I sigh.

I hear John whisper “ oh my god like SpongeBob ,” and Karkat giving him a down right dirty look.

“Oh and I guess my hairs all wack too.” I say and go back to trying to fix it. “Well if ya want we can let you use the bathroom and you can fix it in the mirror.” Dave offers and lifts the little counter door, inviting me in.

“Our bathroom is for employees only. ” Karkat said, also giving me a dirty look.

“Karkat, quit being such a fuckin’ wet blanket.” Dave rolled his eyes I think? and grabbed me by my arm, leading me to the bathroom.

——————

The door clicked as I went inside and Dave walked back out to the front. “Did they even buy anything?” Karkat asked John who was about to start mopping as if he didn’t two days ago. “Uh yeah they bought some cinnabons- but I guess they’re cold now.” He said as he picked up the box left on the counter.

“I’ll replace them with some warmer ones.” Dave said and took the box, switching places with another in the little oven.

“Why’re you doing all that for?”

“Kat," he sighed, "it doesn’t take much to be a little nice y’know? You of all people should be nice to them, actually, since that’s the dude who’s pizza ya burnt.” Dave said as he rolled the mop bucket to John.

“…really..?”

“Yep.”

“You burnt a pizza?”

Karkat didn’t answer, he just went to the back. In all honesty he did feel a bit guilty, actually, no. A better word was embarrassed.

Embarrassed that he seriously felt jealous enough to do something so petty. After a bit of thinking, Dave was right, it didn’t take much to be nice.

——————

I put some water in my hands and used it to better stick my frizzy hair down. After turning around to take a better look at my butt and see if you really could see my ass through the tear, there was a knock on the door.

I opened it and there was Karkat, holding some clothes and avoiding eye contact.

“Your clothes are trashed right? Here you can wear mine.” He grumbled. I just stood in silence, semi confused and in disbelief because I just didn’t think he’d be the type to offer me anything let alone a spare change of clothes.

“They’re clean if that’s what you're worried about. I’ll just walk home in my uniform. I need to wash it anyways..” He said and pushed the clothes into my hands.

“Uhm.. thanks! Seriously you’re a life saver, I could kiss you- do you want a kiss?” I puckered up my lips and watched as he practically jumped back and screamed “HELL NO!”

I snickered and said it was a joke! Before closing the door to change.

Luckily his baggy sweater fit and his joggers could be adjusted by the strings. I shoved my clothes in my backpack and walked out.

John mopped about half the store and Dave and Karkat were talking behind the register.

“Woah I didn’t think you’d give them your own personal threads, Kat. You having a random character redemption arc?” Dave teased and bumped Karkat’s shoulder, only to get bumped back harder with a “Shut the hell up, Dickbag Strider!”

“Haha yeah thanks again Karkat!” I smile and leave from behind the counter to grab my temporarily forgotten cinnabons.

“It’s fine… uh?”

“Oh yeah, my name’s (Y/n) by the way.”

“Right.”

I stood there for a bit before I remembered my second reason for coming here, getting Dave’s number.

Okay, act cool and natural.. gently slide trading numbers into the conversation-

“Do you- like need anything else or…?”

“Can I have your number?”

Oh wow, how smooth.

“I mean! All of your numbers ha! You guys all seem- uh really....cool..? Besides! I wanna give these clothes back at some point..” I say awkwardly while being stared down by all three Pizza Hut boys.

“Well yeah, me, I’m cool , not too sure about Karkat and John though.” Dave laughs while John lets out an offended “ hey!” and Karkat bumps his shoulder again.

John is the first to walk over to me, phone in hand, “Uh here.. do you have pesterchum? I like using it more than regular texting.” “Nerd.” "Okayy I see you Rizzard of Oz." “ Shut up!” I type in my handle while the other two pull out their phones.

I put my phone away after we all trade information and pick up my cinnabons once again.

“Alright, it’s been nice. Talk to you guys later!” I waved and walked out the door.

——————-

“Soo like… who is that guy seriously?”

“Hell if I know.” Dave answered Karkat before going to the bathroom to pee.

“I mean, the guy seemed pretty nice, maybe they just want friends?”

“I don’t really think friendship is exactly what they’re looking for.” Karkat mumbled. He noticed how when they asked for a phone number, they were asking Dave specifically. He doesn't think he's especially good at reading people's intentions but it doesn't take a genius to tell they were interested in Dave.

Thinking of them as competition is dumb, it’s not like they’re competing for anything-

“Hey Kat! You wanna sneak out for lunch at school tomorrow morning? I was thinking we could eat at Panda Express or something.” Dave smiled and Karkat felt that if Dave asked for anything with a look like that on his face, he’d say yes.

“Sure..” he grumbled and pulled away before Dave could notice his reddening face.

Is it going to be a competition?

———

a/n its not gonna be a competition theyre all gonna kiss and hold hands… #polyamoryftw

#homestuck #homestuck x reader #dave strider x reader #karkat vantas x reader

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pesterloglog · 1 year ago

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Aranea Serket, Terezi Pyrope, Meenah Peixes, Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde, Dirk Strider, Jake English, Karkat Vantas, Roxy Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam

Act 6, page 4983-5013

ARANEA: WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE DOING????????

ARANEA: Stop it, all of you!

ARANEA: You couldn't even wait a few minutes while I retrieved one last guest?

ARANEA: I have to come 8ack to THIS????????

TEREZI: 1 4M SORRY 4R4N34

TEREZI: 1 TR13D TO T3LL TH3M 4LL TO B3 COOL

TEREZI: NORM4LLY W3R3 SO MUCH COOL3R TH4N...

TEREZI: *SNORT*

TEREZI: WHY DO 1 4LW4YS TRY TO T3LL P3OPL3 W3R3 COOL?

TEREZI: W3 4R3 SO V3RY UN COOL >:[

ARANEA: Every8ody?

ARANEA: Excuse me, are you listening?! I would like to introduce you to someone.

ARANEA: His name is........

ARANEA: HEY!!!!!!!!

ARANEA: MEENAH! I SAID CUT IT THE FUCK OUT.

ARANEA: Yes! you!

ARANEA: The dead miscreant with the goggles waving around the stupid trident.

ARANEA: Put it down!

MEENAH: what

MEENAH: no way

ARANEA: Yes way.

MEENAH: no

MEENAH: wanna poke these suckas up

ARANEA: Put it down.

ARANEA: I'm serious.

MEENAH: come on lemme puncture one of em

MEENAH: just a little

MEENAH: how bout this shout ass nubby motherglubber who looks like whats his face

ARANEA: I said drop it.

MEENAH: what like on the floor

ARANEA: Yes on the floor!

ARANEA: Now step away from it. That's right.

ARANEA: 8ack. A little further.

ARANEA: I said further!

ARANEA: No, not closer! Further!

ARANEA: Uuuuuuuugh.

ARANEA: Guess what! You just lost your poking privileges.

ARANEA: I think I'll hang on to this for a little while. How do you like that?

MEENAH: s'chool

ARANEA: Ooooooooh. It sure is pretty. Is that real gold? Or, pardon me, "reel."

ARANEA: I 8et I could sell it for a small fortune.

MEENAH: aw man

MEENAH: no dont

ARANEA: Watch me!

MEENAH: yeah like a fuckin ghost could even sell anyfin

MEENAH: any of you scrubs know where to find the prawn shop in this bitch

TEREZI: TH3 WH4T?

MEENAH: some ho is angling to sell ma gold pointy jam

MEENAH: look at her pawin up my royal loot with her clammy shitmitts

MEENAH: greedier spectacle i never did sea

MEENAH: water you blind there pyrope lookin dimwit

TEREZI: Y3S

MEENAH: then listen up

MEENAH: she wants

MEENAH: to hock

MEENAH: my swank fuckin carats

MEENAH: got it

TEREZI: W3LL

TEREZI: MOST OF US H3R3 4R3 1N F4CT R4TH3R W34LTHY

TEREZI: 1 4M NOT SUR3 1F SH3 W1LL F1ND 4N 1NT3R3ST3D BUY3R THOUGH >:]

MEENAH: this sure became a retarded line of talkin

DAVE: (rose whos the john looking kid)

ROSE: (I think it's young Father-Grandad Harleybert.)

DAVE: (what)

ARANEA: Ok then!

ARANEA: Has everyone settled down? Do I have everyone's attention?

MEENAH: attention huh

MEENAH: whoda thought

MEENAH: you would want any of THAT

ARANEA: Just stop. Please?

ARANEA: I know it's only 8een minutes since you died, and you pro8a8ly aren't thrilled to see me for any num8er of reasons.

ARANEA: 8ut for me it has 8een millenia! I have 8een waiting a long time to see you again, and orient you to the afterlife.

MEENAH: heh

MEENAH: being a ghost isnt anyfin you need to be oriented to

MEENAH: were D-EAD who cares

ARANEA: Excuse me for looking forward to our reunion then! I guess I 8uilt it up in my mind as something special for a whole lot of nothing!

MEENAH: yeah probubbly

MEENAH: what elses new though

MEENAH: need to swimmer down girl

MEENAH: you dead

MEENAH: time to act like the fucks you give stopped existin

MEENAH: like they.....

MEENAH: disaspeared 38T

ARANEA: Then you don't care at all, is that it? My waiting here all this time to see you means nothing?

DIRK: Dude, is it just me, or is this kind of awkward.

DIRK: Why did she even drag you here.

JAKE: (Sh!)

MEENAH: i mean

MEENAH: having to wait milleniums and stuff

MEENAH: as a ghost with too much to say

MEENAH: that is nook loads of time

MEENAH: but i mean

MEENAH: we both might of lived that long

MEENAH: if we didnt up and die just now

MEENAH: or at least i woulda

MEENAH: sounds to me like boring times ahoy either fuckin way

ARANEA: ????????

ARANEA: What is even your point!

MEENAH: um

MEENAH: dunno?

MEENAH: sorry serket

MEENAH: lets hug it out later

MEENAH: aight

ARANEA: I think I have completely forgotten the su8tle art of determining whether you're 8eing sincere, through your tangled fishnet of aquatic puns and little sta8s of hostility.

MEENAH: fishnet!

MEENAH: fishnet yessss

MEENAH: you coulda just said net but you said fishnet instead <3

ARANEA: Do you think you can at least remain well mannered while I 8ring the others up to speed on some critical matters?

MEENAH: uh lets sea

MEENAH: no

ARANEA: Grrrrrrrr.

ARANEA: That's it. I'm selling off this gaudy trinket.

MEENAH: no fuck you gimme that

ARANEA: I have developed an eye for priceless treasure.

ARANEA: Do you have any idea who I grew up to 8e in the new world we made?

ARANEA: I'd wager if I put it on the 8lack market, it would fetch a fee to the tuna several 8illion 8oonies.

MEENAH: TUNA 38D

MEENAH: tuna tuna tuna tuna

MEENAH: i love you

KARKAT: WOW. HEY.

KARKAT: FUCKING *EXCUSE ME*

MEENAH: what

KARKAT: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE AND WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT YOU.

TEREZI: K4RK4T S3TTL3 DOWN!

TEREZI: 1 TOLD YOU

TEREZI: TH3Y 4R3 SOM3 OF OUR 4NC3STORS

KARKAT: THEY AREN'T OUR ANCESTORS. WE DON'T HAVE ANCESTORS.

KARKAT: ANCESTRAL LEGACIES ARE A LOT OF SUPERSTITIOUS, ARISTOCRATIC BULLSHITTERY, INVENTED BY HIGHBLOODS SO THEY GET TO FEEL EVEN MORE SMUG AND SELF SATISFIED THAN THEY ALREADY ARE.

KARKAT: EVEN IF WE DO HAVE THEM, WHO CARES? WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THESE PEOPLE?

TEREZI: YOUR3 B31NG V3RY RUD3 >:|

KARKAT: LISTEN. I DON'T KNOW THEM.

KARKAT: I DON'T WANT TO WASTE TIME PASSING THROUGH DREAM BUBBLES IF I'M NOT GOING TO SEE MY DEAD FRIENDS.

KARKAT: IF YOU DRAGGED ME ALL THE WAY UP HERE TO MEET, OH SAY, GHOST NEPETA. FUCKING GREAT!

KARKAT: I'LL HANG OUT WITH DEAD NEPETA ALL DAY LONG. HELL, EVEN SOME RANDOM NEPETA FROM A DOOMED TIMELINE. THAT WOULD BE ALRIGHT.

KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT? GIVE ME FIFTY FUCKING NEPETAS! WHY THE HELL NOT. WE'LL CALL OUR JOURNEY THROUGH BLACK ENDLESS DESPAIR "NEPETAQUEST".

KARKAT: BUT THESE LOSERS? WHO CARES ABOUT THEM. I DON'T NEED TO BE MAKING ANY NEW FRIENDS. I HAVE ENOUGH "NEW FRIENDS" AS IT IS.

ROXY: zzzzzz

KARKAT: MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY, RANDOM HUMAN!

KARKAT: I'M LEAVING.

TEREZI: BL4RGH YOU 4R3 SO T3RR1BL3!

MEENAH: that guy!

MEENAH: nubbyshouts

MEENAH: that guy is cool!!

KARKAT: THANKS, WHOEVER THE FUCK!!!

KARKAT: BYE.

MEENAH: aw man

MEENAH: hes so much cooler than whats his shit

MEENAH: why couldnt whats his shit be more like nubs mcshouty

MEENAH: our team had no cool buoys at all

ROXY: le zzz

MEENAH: sleepy fishbait is right

MEENAH: this is a fuckin drag

MEENAH: can i go hang out with shouty instead

ARANEA: No.

KARKAT: NO.

MEENAH: 38C

DAVE: (hey rose)

DAVE: (i dunno if this is a weird question)

DAVE: (but like)

DAVE: (do you think we should try and wake up our teen mom)

DAVE: (or what)

ROSE: (I'm not sure if that's a good idea.)

ROXY: zzzzees ;)

DAVE: (why)

DAVE: (sounds good to me)

DAVE: (mayor what do you think)

DAVE: (you hear that rose)

DAVE: (the mayor thinks its an awesome idea)

DAVE: (me too buddy me too)

ROSE: (Ok, since I've clearly been outvoted on the matter, and democracy has spoken, I guess I should clarify.)

ROSE: (I'm not sure if it's actually possible.)

DAVE: (why)

ROSE: (I don't think she's ever woken up before.)

DAVE: (oh)

DAVE: (cant you throw some yarn at her)

DAVE: (that worked on me didnt it)

ROSE: (You were technically already awake.)

ROSE: (Also, I don't happen to have any yarn on me at the moment.)

ROSE: (Do you have any yarn on you, Dave?)

DAVE: (what the fuck kind of question is that)

DAVE: (i am the fucking yarn king)

DAVE: (be passin out yarn like cheap cigars)

ROSE: (Cheap cigars...?)

DAVE: (dream mom gave teen ecto birth or some shit)

DAVE: (turned out the baby was us)

DAVE: (so like)

DAVE: (handing out yarn in the waiting room)

DAVE: (like cigars you see)

DAVE: (to other serious dads from the 1950s)

DAVE: (cheap ones cause you dont wanna go fuckin broke on cigars with a baby on the way)

DAVE: (gotta be frugal rose)

DAVE: (celebrate that shit but have some damn sense about your cigar budget)

ROXY: smack snack

ROXY: zzxxx

DAVE: (but yeah i dont got any yarn)

ROSE: (I just,)

ROSE: (Don't see how you can make remarks with such frequency that are so obliviously and so generically loaded from a Freudian perspective.)

ROSE: (It's flabbergasting, really. You never miss a chance.)

ROSE: (Cigars? Describing a scenario where you are both given birth to by your teen mother, as well as playing the role of the proud father in the waiting room?)

DAVE: (oh god no stop)

ROSE: (What should I make of the fact that the phallic imagery you've selected is not only inexpensive, but is administered freely and mirthfully to other expecting fathers?)

ROSE: (Or that the object standing in for the phallic symbol is something you're proposing to throw at our mother's head!)

DAVE: (just shut the fuck up!)

DAVE: (arent you magic or something)

DAVE: (are you still magic or is your superpower now just talking a lot and wearing orange)

DAVE: (why dont you use your magics to wake her up)

DAVE: (arent you kinda curious to talk to her)

DAVE: (like find out what her deal is)

ROSE: (Yes.)

ROSE: (But I don't think I know that spell.)

DAVE: (hey what even is magic anyway)

DAVE: (like are spells real like when you do magic are you actualy doing legit spells like the dipshits in harry potter)

DAVE: (babbling up some false baloney ass latin)

ROSE: (Not really?)

DAVE: (i knew it what a load of shit that all is)

ROSE: (What?)

DAVE: (spells and shit)

ROSE: (Um. Ok?)

ROXY: *SNOAR*

DAVE: (hey rose)

ROSE: (Yeah?)

DAVE: (does mom seem to kinda be)

DAVE: (like uh)

ROSE: (What?)

DAVE: (i dont know)

DAVE: (a sloppy sleeper)

ROXY: zzzzzznort,,..

ROSE: (That's pretty much how she always slept.)

ROSE: (This includes discovering her sleeping in unusual places.)

DAVE: (is she drunk or something)

DAVE: (can a dream self be drunk)

ROSE: (Yes.)

DAVE: (what really)

DAVE: (just like that thats the answer)

DAVE: (like thats something you actually know for sure)

ROSE: (Yes.)

DAVE: (what the fuck)

DAVE: (is it seer powers that let you know that or did you read it in a book)

DAVE: (why would someone write that in a book)

DAVE: (how would you even know that)

ROSE: (I know from experience, I guess.)

DAVE: (yeah bs)

DAVE: (there wasnt even time for that)

DAVE: (drinking or anything)

DAVE: (with all the grimdark nonsense and carting around moon bombs)

DAVE: (and anyway you dont like booze)

ROSE: (Not really. But it grows on you to some extent.)

DAVE: (you are fucking with me)

ROSE: (Do you remember the timeline Davesprite was from?)

DAVE: (oh)

DAVE: (right)

ROSE: (I still remember some things.)

ROSE: (It was actually pretty similar to the way things have been for the last year on this meteor.)

ROSE: (There wasn't very much to do.)

ROSE: (But there was a house full of liquor.)

KANAYA: (Whats Liquor)

DAVE: (SHIT)

DAVE: (oh god i never get used to how quietly troll vampires sneak around)

KANAYA: (What Are We Talking About Here)

DAVE: (liquor is booze you drink it and it makes you fall down and slur words and understand sports)

DAVE: (and apparently snore like an off road motorcycle)

ROXY: lol snork ;D

KANAYA: (Oh A Soporific Human Substance)

KANAYA: (Got It)

ROSE: (What are they talking about over there?)

ROSE: (I think we might be missing something important.)

KANAYA: (I Honestly Have No Idea Whats Going On So I Came Over Here To See If You Knew)

DAVE: (yeah we know fucking squat)

DAVE: (maybe we should have been paying attention i dont even know what the hell these people are talking about)

DAVE: (kind of too many people here maybe karkat was right to sit this one out)

DAVE: (grandpa johns not saying much)

DAVE: (i kind of wonder whats up with him)

DAVE: (maybe hes shy or freaked out hey why did he even show up with that troll girl)

DAVE: (should i say something to him or)

DAVE: (this is awkward)

DAVE: (terezis all asking them questions and stuff)

DAVE: (she is like literally the only one on the ball here this is embarrassing)

ROSE: (They're looking at us.)

DAVE: (oh god yeah)

TEREZI: W1LL YOU GUYS STOP MUMBL1NG TO YOURS3LV3S 4ND G3T OV3R H3R3!

TEREZI: YOUR3 M1SS1NG 4 LOT OF F4SC1N4T1NG STUFF 4BOUT OUR 4NC3STORS!

DAVE: ok

DAVE: can you maybe like

DAVE: give us the gist of it

TEREZI: 3R

TEREZI: 1 DONT KNOW 1F 1...

ARANEA: May8e I should just start over from the 8eginning.

MEENAH: glubber fuck

MEENAH: somemoby kill me

MEENAH: again

MEENAH: make me double die

MEENAH: can that happen can you kill a ghost

ARANEA: Meenah, please!

ARANEA: Our nice new friends have missed some very IMPORTANT DETAILS!

MEENAH: cod almighty

MEENAH: dont you sea

MEENAH: these chumps are too polite to say they dont give a flip

MEENAH: specially that poor buoy you lured on to your boat

MEENAH: lookit him

MEENAH: too polite and afraid to say anyfin at all

DIRK: I'm not.

JAKE: (Sh!!)

ARANEA: Very well.

ARANEA: If you speak for everyone with respect to what is most interesting to talk a8out, then what is your porpoisal?

ARANEA: I mean proposal!

MEENAH: 38D!!!!!

ARANEA: (Stupid infectious fish puns.)

ARANEA: (Took all of five minutes to pull me into your insmanatee again.)

ARANEA: (Insanity! Ugh.)

MEENAH: (eelmao!)

TEREZI: W3LL

TEREZI: W3 COULD JUST NOT WORRY 4BOUT 1T 4ND K33P T4LK1NG L1K3 W3 W3R3

TEREZI: 1 W4S CUR1OUS TO H34R TH3 4NSW3R TO MY L4ST QU3ST1ON

ARANEA: Oh, sure!

ARANEA: You wanted to know how we all died.

ARANEA: That's a pretty interesting story, don't you think, Meenah? :::;)

MEENAH: whatebber

ARANEA: However, I don't think much of it will make sense without some major contextualization.

ARANEA: There's really quite an amazing amount of nuance to the full sequence of events. Many different players, personalities, conflicting agendas, all interwoven together.

ARANEA: I'll need a little time to set the stage for everything to 8e comprehensi8le, if you all don't mind indulging me for a while.

ARANEA: You could say it all started during our darkest hour, when it 8ecame clear our failure was inevita8le. I took it upon myself to venture into the palace of my denizUMPH.

ARANEA: MMMMMMMMPH!!!!!!!!

MEENAH: yo listen up

MEENAH: ill make this reel quick

MEENAH: ok so we all lost cause everybody sucked but me

MEENAH: so serket here wanted to do the scratch thing that would make us all not exist

MEENAH: but i found out from monsters we could keep existin if we was a bunch of ghosts

MEENAH: thing is nobody ever has the guts to off anybody

MEENAH: let alone themshellves

MEENAH: so i blew us all the fuck up

MEENAH: and thats glubbin that

MEENAH: now were ghosts the end

ARANEA: Meempha.

ARANEA: Thap waf.......

ARANEA: THE WORST STORY THAT HAS EVER 8EEN TOLD IN THE HISTORY OF PARADOX SPACE.

MEENAH: whoa clam down

ARANEA: No! I will not "clam down." Clamming is not something you can do, unless you do it UP, or you are literally retrieving clams from a 8ed of soft oceanic soil.

MEENAH: clam your rumble spheres

MEENAH: seriously they is lookin lively girl everyones gawkin

ARANEA: You just have no respect for a well told story.

MEENAH: i said what happened didnt i

ARANEA: Only 8arely!!!!!!!!

ARANEA: You left out so much! All the intrigue, the complicated interpersonal relationships, the 8ackstory, the responsi8le pacing.

ARANEA: Where was the WORLD 8UILDING, Meenah?

MEENAH: who gives a dolphin flip through a big ring of shit

ARANEA: Ok! I think I finally understand the art of storytelling now, thanks to you!

ARANEA: It turns out all you have to do is make series of short, mysterious statements without supplying context or any further ela8oration.

ARANEA: It's all so simple! Let's try it out.

ARANEA: Did you know that "what's his face" Vantas in our post-scratch world grew up to 8e a spiritual leader followed 8y millions?

ARANEA: They killed him though. He died handcuffed to something, while shouting a rude word. The end!

ARANEA: Leijon grew up to 8e his m8sprit! She wrote stuff down and spent a long time in a cave. That's that.

ARANEA: Their 8uddy Captor flew a ship for some hag. It wasn't a very cool gig. Maryam found a wiggler and died a slave. Did I mention our planet 8ecame kind of a shithole? No, I don't think I did, 8ecause that's apparently not how you "tell stories."

MEENAH: ...

MEENAH: go on

ARANEA: Zahhak 8uilt me a ro8otic arm. He was ordered 8y a high8lood to kill a girl 8ut he couldn't do it, and was 8anished. Really 8eat himself up over that. 8ut it's ok 8ecause his descendant redeemed the honor of his legacy 8y doing whatever a murderous clown told him to. Wait, was that too much detail? Forget I said some of that. Moving on!

ARANEA: Ampora was a pirate. No8ody liked him. He killed a lot of people, 8ut was later executed 8ecause he was una8le to tell a funny joke. What else needs to 8e said? That's right. Nothing.

ARANEA: Makara was the guy who didn't like his joke. He was terri8le and so is his story. Period.

ARANEA: Nitram was a hero who led a re8ellion. He killed me. 8ut not 8efore things got pretty steamy 8etween us. Want to hear the juicy details? You're out of luck!!!!!!!!

MEENAH: aww man 38(

ARANEA: Pyrope cut off my arm and arrested me, 8ut I killed her. This triggered a karmic cycle of revenge which led to the eventual 8linding of her descendant.

ARANEA: Sorry, Terezi. Them's the 8r8ks!

TEREZI: W41T

TEREZI: WH4T?

ARANEA: As for me, well, I could go on ALL DAAAAAAAAY a8out that su8ject. 8ut I won't!

ARANEA: I was a cool pir8te. The 8est pir8! I lived a long time, had amazing adventures, got all the treasure, then died. That's all she wrote!

ARANEA: 8ut not literally. She wrote quite a lot in fact. She had a lot to say, just like me. Which is why she's so gr8.

ARANEA: Let's see. Who am I forgetting here?

MEENAH: uh

MEENAH: ahem

ARANEA: Oh, of course. Megido! Now there's an interesting story full of exciting twists and turns we won't 8e getting into.

ARANEA: She was kidnapped as a child 8y a creep, then served the creep's 8oss for millions of sweeps. She helped make everything lousy. Then you killed her and took her jo8.

ARANEA: Anyway, I think this tedious tale has gone on for entirely too long already!

ARANEA: I can't think of a single thing left to address that could possi8ly 8e of interest to anyone.

MEENAH: no no shut up

MEENAH: do me now what about me

MEENAH: waterboat meeeee!!!

ARANEA: Why, Meenah. Could it 8e that you would like to hear more?

ARANEA: I must 8e imagining things, 8ecause you are on record as finding my stories 8oring.

MEENAH: no these stories are more interesting than your usual ones

MEENAH: i can tell because im actually still a wake

ARANEA: Very well. You would like to know a8out your post-scratch adult life.

ARANEA: Would you like the short version? Or the long version?

MEENAH: uh

MEENAH: are those the only two options

ARANEA: You tell me.

MEENAH: how about

MEENAH: not the looooooooooooooooooooong version

MEENAH: like dont go full fuckin serket on us

MEENAH: but

MEENAH: dont leave out too much of the cool stuff?

MEENAH: shit man why do i gotta explain this to a presumably rational person

MEENAH: just tell me what ma junk was bitch!

ARANEA: Very well.

ARANEA: I shall strive to convey your story, including details which you are likely to find interesting on account of vanity, whilst attempting to refrain from going "Full Serket" on you and other hapless 8ystanders.

MEENAH: blub

MEENAH: come on spit it out windfang

MEENAH: no more adventures on the high breeze got it

ARANEA: Fine.

ARANEA: You want the a8ridged-version, 8ut-may8e-not-so-a8ridged, as-long-as-the-stuff-that-you-in-particular-would-like-to-hear-is-included, of the Meenah Peixes saga?

ARANEA: Here we go.

ARANEA: Instead of storming off to the moon in a huff, Peixes em8raced her role as an heiress.

ARANEA: Once she reached the age to challenge the empress, she killed her predecessor easily.

ARANEA: She did more to sink our race into perpetual darkness and violence than any empress before her, and her rule lasted the longest 8y far.

ARANEA: She conquered thousands of planets and star systems, many of them personally. She was responsi8le for the death of trillions.

ARANEA: Her reign was interrupted only 8y the extinction of our race, which was orchestrated 8y the omniscient creep I mentioned previously.

ARANEA: She flew back to her homeworld, killed Megido, and assumed control of her demonic powers.

ARANEA: In doing so, she also assumed her role as the servant to an indestructi8le demon, whose existence was a8out to result in the annihilation of our universe.

ARANEA: 8ut 8efore that, he had a new assignment for her.

ARANEA: Is this 8rief enough? Am I addressing all the "cool stuff" to your satisfaction?

MEENAH: 38o

ARANEA: That's the first half of her story.

ARANEA: In the second half, she escaped to a fresh universe to wreak more havoc.

ARANEA: She infiltrated a planet called Earth, which is home to a race called humans. These guys here.

ARANEA: On the post-scratch version of Earth (long story), she gained a8solute power, flooded the planet, and completely wiped out the human population, while expanding her a8ilities even further.

ARANEA: She then somehow entered the humans' game session, and took control there as well.

ARANEA: She did all this at the 8ehest of her employer, and has shown no signs of slowing her rampage, or ever dying, for that matter.

ARANEA: So, Meenah. How was that story? Are you 8ored yet?

MEENAH: 38o

JAKE: (Dirk...)

DIRK: What?

JAKE: (I think...)

JAKE: (I think thats the batterwitch!)

DIRK: Uh, yeah.

DIRK: You're just getting that now?

JAKE: (Great scott!)

JAKE: (I have to do something.)

DIRK: Do something?

DIRK: No, man. Just sit tight, ok?

JAKE: (But thats sea hitler! Shes right there in the spooky flesh!)

JAKE: (Remember all the horrible things you said she did??)

DIRK: Yeah, but...

JAKE: (Cripes it sets my blood aboil just thinking about it.)

JAKE: (I have to stop her! Thats why im here i just figured it out. I have to do it bro!)

DIRK: No you don't. Come on, don't be an idiot.

JAKE: (Yes i do thats what you do when you go back in time and find hitler.)

JAKE: (Thats like one of the rules of adventure if you have the chance to kill hitler and stop his crimes from happening then you do it!)

JAKE: (Oh man oh man oh man...)

DIRK: You didn't go back in time, Jake. Do you even understand what's going on?

JAKE: (I gotta do something ok ok how do i do this...)

JAKE: (Aw frig no time to think here i go!!!)

DIRK: Jake.

JAKE: HIIIIIIIIIIIII YA!!!!!!

DIRK: Jake.

JAKE: DIE FISH HITLER DIE!

DIRK: Jake.

JAKE: I WONT LET YOU KILL MY PEOPLE!

ARANEA: Jake, no! What are you doing????????

JAKE: KA POW! TAKE THAT!!!

DAVE: oh shit grandpa egbert juniordad totally snapped

ARANEA: Jake, stop!

JAKE: AND A BIT OF THAT!

DIRK: Dude, this is completely embarrassing.

JAKE: AND HOW ABOUT A SMIDGEN OF THIS!

DIRK: Everyone thinks you're either stupid or insane.

JAKE: WHAMBO!!!

MEENAH: oof

JAKE: YOU KILLED DIRK AND ROXYS BRO AND MOM RESPECTIVELY!

JAKE: OR YOU WILL LATER I THINK AND I CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN!

ARANEA: No, no, Jake, that was in another universe! Or, I mean........

JAKE: I WONT LET YOU TURN MY PLANET INTO WATERWORLD!

JAKE: THAT MOVIE WAS GREAT! BUT NOT *THAT* GREAT!

ARANEA: She isn't the same person though! I mean, she is, 8ut........

JAKE: I CANT LET YOU EXPLOIT YOUR BAKED GOODS EMPIRE TO MASSACRE THE HUMAN RACE!

ARANEA: She won't grow up to do any of that! She's the pre-scratch version who.......

ARANEA: You see, the 8atterwitch you're talking a8out was a totally different, uh........

JAKE: OVER MY DEAD BODY AM I GONNA LET YOU STICK A PAIR OF STINKIN JUGGALOS IN THE WHITEHOUSE!

ARANEA: Augh, why does this all have to 8e so complicated to explain!!!!!!!!

JAKE: KARATEEEEEEEEEEEEEE *CHOP!*

MEENAH: oof

DAVE: what

DAVE: juggalos

DAVE: rose is he drunk too

DAVE: what is going on

TEREZI: (psst)

DIRK: ?

TEREZI: (so)

TEREZI: (wh4t 1s th3 d34l w1th you?)

TEREZI: (m1st3r br41n ph4ntom)

DIRK: The deal with me?

TEREZI: (y3s)

DIRK: I'm not sure how to answer that.

DIRK: What's the deal with you?

TEREZI: (uh)

DIRK: How are those horns working out for you?

DIRK: And also the fact that you're an alien? What's up with that?

TEREZI: (>:?)

DIRK: Exactly.

TEREZI: (should 1 t3ll p3opl3 4bout you or...)

DIRK: You didn't see nothin'.

TEREZI: (y3s)

TEREZI: (th4t 1s tru3)

ARANEA: Jake, stop whaling on her like that!

ARANEA: I mean, wailing!

ARANEA: W8! Why am I even correcting myself? Those are homonyms!

ARANEA: No8ody could even tell which kind of whaling I meant!

JAKE: DRAGON PUNCH!

ARANEA: Jake!

JAKE: RIGHT IN THE FISHY KISSER!!!

ARANEA: I SAID.

ARANEA: ST8P!!!!!!!!

JAKE: DOOF.

ARANEA: Sigh.

ARANEA: Meenah, are you ok?

ARANEA: Meenah?

MEENAH: SOOOOOOOOOOO

MEENAH: COOOOOOOOOOOL

DIRK: So...

DIRK: I'm still here, right?

DIRK: Even though Jake woke up?

TEREZI: (1t would s33m so)

DIRK: Ok, just making sure.

DIRK: God my existence is weird.

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