The Light at the End
2. Autonomy
Second ficlet in the series. This one was based around a post Runescratch made about Darkpath!Honey, and how she refuses to cut her hair even though it’s singed and ratty looking. I wanted to speculate about one of the reasons why that may be, and how that could relate to Hiro.
Darkpath AU and Webcomic by Runescratch.
“Come on, Hiro! If you would just take care of it yourself I wouldn’t have to be doing this!”
Tadashi struggled to run the brush through the disgruntled teen’s hair. Said teen was making it his mission to be as difficult as possible by squirming and occasionally thrashing in Wasabi’s strong arms.
“Why do you care?! My hair’s always messy! You’d know that if you hadn’t-”
Tadashi cut Hiro off before they retread that muddy road again.
“I’m not trying to make it neat, I’m just keeping the knots out of it so it won’t get matted!”
“It doesn’t matter if I always have it tied up!”
“Yes it does, because you don’t brush it after you wash it and it will get noticeable even if it is always tied up!”
“I don’t know, man,” Wasabi grunted as he held Hiro as still as he could. “Maybe we should look into getting it trimmed, at least-”
“No! I’m not cutting my hair!”
“Hiro, you may not have a choice-”
“I’m not letting you cut it, asshole! LET GO OF ME! LET GO!”
Hiro resumed violently thrashing in earnest, making Tadashi pause while Wasabi was forced to hold on as tightly as he could. Eventually, Hiro tired himself out, and after several more minutes of brushing and frustrated growling on both ends, Tadashi was finally satisfied that Hiro’s bird’s nest would remain knot free for a while. Wasabi released Hiro, immediately jumping back as he did so; half expecting the teen to lash out at him in retaliation for holding him (it wouldn’t have been the first time), he was relieved when Hiro only sprinted to his room with an angry “I fucking hate you!”. He slumped into a chair, exhausted.
“Maybe we should cut his hair,” Tadashi said, exasperated. “Would certainly be easier in the long run.”
“And how would you do it? You’re not honestly suggesting we let a pair of scissors anywhere near him, are you?”
“I don’t know, okay? I just don’t think we can keep this up.”
They both stayed silent for a minute, before Wasabi spoke up again.
“Maybe you could ask Honey? I’m sure she could help.”
“. . . Yeah, I guess that wouldn’t hurt. Hold on, I’ll give her a call.”
Tadashi walked into the next room, pulling out his cell phone and bringing up Honey’s number. He thought for a second before calling it. He was about to hang up after four rings when the call was finally answered.
“Tadashi, hi! How are you? How’s Wasabi? Is Hiro okay?”
Tadashi chuckled into the phone.
“Hello, fine, fine, and as okay as he can be given the circumstances.”
“Is he still really angry all the time?”
“Yep. Should’ve seen us just now, trying to brush that mop of his.”
“Aww, Hiro’s hair is always messy. It makes him adorable.”
“Yeah, when he’s not screaming and trying to break everything in throwing distance,” Tadashi grumbled. “Anyway, his hair is why I’m calling you.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I was wondering if you could help cut it? It would make things easier for everyone, I think.”
“I think I could try.”
“We’ll need to find some way to restrain him or calm him or something, though. He’s probably gonna try to fight.”
“Wait, you mean he doesn’t want his hair cut?”
“He flipped at the mere suggestion of it.”
“. . . Don’t do it.”
Tadashi paused in confusion, briefly pulling the phone away and looking at it.
“What?”
“Don’t make him cut his hair if he doesn’t want to.”
“Honey, he’s not taking care of it.”
“I don’t care, just -- You can’t do this. I won’t help you with it.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“I don’t . . . .” There was a sigh from her end. “Do you remember what my hair looked like when I was . . . with Hiro?”
Tadashi couldn’t forget. He remembered seeing old photos of her before the fire and how beautiful she’d looked, how long and full her hair was. And he remembered how she looked during their confrontations; dull, sad eyes, chemically burned fingers, and most noticeably, singed, tattered hair.
“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I remember.”
“I could’ve had it cut, you know. At any point during those two years. But I was determined to never cut my hair as long as I was working for Hiro. My hair was my decision, and mine alone. I lived with the horror of knowing that I could and would lose control over my own body at a moment’s notice, forced to do things I’d never do willingly. But my hair was the one thing I had complete control over, and no one would be taking that away from me. And so, no matter how ratty it got, I kept it exactly how it was.”
“But wouldn’t that have been the case even if you decided to cut it? I don’t understand.”
“I think I just needed them to know. It became a statement, really; the worse it got, the more obvious it was that I was making the conscious decision to keep it that way, and that nobody was going to make me change it. I was the one in control of it. And to be perfectly honest, cutting it would’ve felt like giving in to the situation, like I was accepting it. It would’ve been like admitting defeat.”
“Yeah, that . . . that makes sense. Sorry.”
“No, it’s okay! There’s a point to all this! What I’m trying to say, Tadashi, is that Hiro probably feels the same way about his own hair now, since . . . since everything ended. I imagine he doesn’t have much control over anything now, right?”
Tadashi swallowed the lump in his throat. While it was certainly miles above a lifetime prison sentence or whatever horrible punishment he would’ve had, Hiro still had very little freedom, and not just because he was being punished; Hiro seemed to have very little control over himself, and both Tadashi and Wasabi constantly worried that he would somehow manage to hurt himself or others. He needed to be watched constantly, and the two men agreed to care for him in shifts, but even then, they still got very little sleep. Tadashi couldn’t even remember the last time he and his boyfriend slept (in the literal sense) together, at the same time; Hiro’s own sleep patterns were short and erratic, and often resulted in bad nightmares, so they couldn’t even fully relax when the kid was asleep.
“Tadashi?”
“Uh, sorry, was just thinking. But yeah, you’re right. He’s being kept on a pretty tight leash at the moment. I mean, I don’t like it, but-”
“No, no, I totally understand! After everything, just . . . I get it. But you need to make sure not to tighten it so much that you choke him, you know? Let him know that no matter how restrained he is, he’ll always have control over his body. It might just give him something to take refuge in. And who knows, maybe one day you’ll be able to loosen his leash a little.”
“But now we’re right back at square one: Hiro not taking care of his hair.”
“It’s probably just another way he’s showing his contempt over everything.”
“I draw the line at basic hygiene, Honey.”
“Alright, alright. Perhaps I could . . . come over and talk to him?”
“Oh, Honey, I don’t know . . . .”
“I know you guys aren’t exactly big on visitors right now, and I know Hiro is being . . . difficult right now, but maybe if I tell him about my experience, we can reach an understanding. Oh, and then I could give him all sorts of tips on proper hair care!”
“I’m not sure if bringing up the past is the best way to go about this.”
“Or you can just continue doing whatever it is you’re doing now. I’m sure you have it handled!”
“Fine, goddamn, play dress-up with my little brother’s hair, whatever! Just don’t blame me when he bites your hand and you need to go get a rabies shot.”
“I’m sure it won’t come to that.”
“Well, maybe if you whip something up to knock him out . . . ?”
“We’re not drugging your brother.”
“But maybe we could-”
“We’re not drugging your brother.”
“I was just joking.”
“Were you? Were you really?”
“ . . . Yes?”
“I’ll be over in a few hours. See you then!”
Tadashi hung up after he heard Honey end the call. He pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a groan.
“So, Honey’s gonna style Hiro’s hair, huh?” Wasabi said flatly as Tadashi returned. “Bet that’s gonna go over well. What makes her think she’ll be able to get near him with the way he is right now?”
“Dude, it’s either this or we have a repeat of today.”
“Yeah, I’d like to not do that again, thank you.”
“I’m sure none of us do. Hopefully Hiro will agree when I tell him.”
“Yeah, good luck with that, man!”
Tadashi rolled his eyes as he made his way to Hiro’s room, Wasabi following behind and standing in the entryway. He would later tell Tadashi that the photo he snapped of Hiro’s flabbergasted face as well as hearing a flat, confused ‘what’ in response to being told ‘I called Honey and she’s coming over to mess with your hair’ almost made the entire incident totally worth it. Almost.
Note: For some reason, I can totally see Honey coming over and messing with Hiro’s unruly hair as it gets longer, pinning it back with cute and pretty hair clips, all the while Hiro has this grumpy look on his face because that’s his default expression during this time. He’ll hiss and bat at anyone who’s not Honey if they try to remove any of the colorful hair clips. He is the most adorable, and nobody will argue otherwise.
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The Light at the End
1. Jealousy
The first oneshot of the series. This particular ficlet was inspired by this picture by Rune on her twitter, where Hiro is hugging Tadashi.
Check out Rune’s Darkpath AU.
“Your brother is a jealous little shit, you know that?”
Tadashi didn’t even look up from his book.
“Not really surprised. Hiro’s emotionally and mentally unstable right now. Combine that with the fact that he only just recently accepted me back into his life and of course he’d act jealous. What, did he say something to you?”
Wasabi could only sigh as he leafed through a gardening magazine. He really wanted to pick up tomato growing again.
“He doesn’t need to. Haven’t you seen the way he watches us from the shadows when we’re watching tv or just being together or just . . . anything? Just some soulless stare-- just glaring at me! And god forbid we cuddle or kiss or hug and he sees it. The second we’re apart he just marches right up to you and throws his arms around you and he always has one of his eyes peeking out just giving me this smug side glare that screams ‘this is mine so fuck off’ and oh my god, do you remember what he did after he accidentally . . . heard us? What’ll happen if he ever sees-- stop laughing, you enabling prick!”
Wasabi playfully punched Tadashi’s shoulder, causing the young man to laugh harder.
“H-Hey, I can’t help it! This is just too funny! And what do you mean by ‘enabling’? Are you seriously suggesting that I start shoving my brother away when he wants a hug? Christ, I spent enough time working to get him to accept that I was even alive, and his moods are so volatile that more often than not he’d rather throw a fit -- and anything else in the room -- than let me near him. I’m not about to rebuff his affection, even if it is for the sole purpose of pissing off my darling boyfriend. And to answer your question, yes, to everything.”
Wasabi rolled his eyes and snorted. Of course Tadashi would know what his brother was doing. Of course he would.
“So, are you worried?”
The larger man looked up, confused.
“Huh?”
“Are you worried about Hiro’s behavior? Like, are you afraid you’re gonna wake up one night and find Hiro standing over your side of the bed holding a knife with a crazed look in his eye?”
Wasabi could only stare open mouthed at his lover, the magazine hanging limply in his hands.
“God, Wasabi, I’m kidding. I mean, yeah, he has . . . frequent violent outbursts, but I’m positive he’s never gonna go all axe-murderer on you in your sleep. I’d be too close to you. He’d wait ‘til you’re alone.”
“Come on, dude!”
“Sorry, sorry! You’re just too easy sometimes, and the look on your face is totally worth it!”
“I want a divorce.”
“Oh, don’t be like. It was funny.”
“Hysterical. And to answer your question, I’m not . . . really worried? I mean, you’re right, I don’t think he’s ever gonna resort to murdering me or anything but . . . . I guess I’d just like him to accept our relationship, ‘cause I am not going anywhere anytime soon. He can’t expect to have you all to himself forever, you know?”
“. . . I think . . . he’s just scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Of losing me again. Of being alone.”
Silence hung heavily in the room as both men stared blankly at their reading material, Tadashi’s thumb absentmindedly rubbing the page.
“I think he believes that if our relationship gets too serious -- like, the planning-our-future-together kind of super serious -- than he’ll no longer have a place in my life. There’ll just be no room for him in it.”
Tadashi tossed the book onto the table in front of him, letting out a frustrated sigh and pushing his hands through his bangs.
“The way we broke through to him . . . I don’t regret it -- well, I regret we had to do it in the first place, but I don’t regret actually doing it -- but I think it left a very negative scar on him. I think he still feels abandoned by everyone, that everyone leapt at the chance to leave him the first chance they got, and he’s just . . . waiting for me to do the same. And if it were some random stranger I was with, it would still be bad, but the fact that it’s you just . . . makes it worse, because of . . . well, everything.”
Tadashi leaned forward, shoulders hunched and hands resting in his lap.
“Look, I’m not asking you to forgive Hiro. I’m not going to ask any of you to forgive him. What he did was . . . horrible, even unforgivable to some, and it’s something you guys need to work out for yourselves. And he knows that. And I think he’s scared that one day, it’ll come down to a choice between him and you, and that he’ll lose. He thinks so lowly of himself that it’s the only logical conclusion he can make. I mean, who wouldn’t want leave their screwed up, horrible little brother for the chance to have their perfect family, right?”
Tadashi let out a humorless laugh as tears streamed down his cheeks. Wasabi immediately took the young man’s face into his big hands, using his thumbs to brush the tears away.
“Hey,” he murmured. “Hey, it’s okay, man. It’s alright. We both know you’d never abandon Hiro, and one day he’ll understand that.”
“I know, I just . . . I don’t need you to forgive him, you know? I just need you to support him and me. I need to know that, despite everything, you’re gonna help me care for him and give him the love he needs to heal.”
Wasabi could only stare for several seconds. Eventually, he let out a slow breath before brushing his lover’s hair back, then trailing his hand down the burn scars on his face and neck.
“Tadashi, listen. If I didn’t care about him, I would’ve jumped ship the minute our friends were freed and Hiro was under control. It’s . . . hard, I’m not gonna lie. Sometimes I look at him and feel so angry about what happened. Sometimes it’s hard being in the same room with him, even when he’s not having one of his tantrums. But I don’t want him to suffer, and I’ll never give him a reason to think I hate him, because I don’t. I’m gonna tough it out with my amazing boyfriend, and we’re gonna be the best brodads we can be for that little angry genius. We’re gonna smother him so much he’s gonna wish we loved him less.”
“Did you just say ‘brodads’?”
“I couldn’t decide between ‘brothers’ and ‘dads’ so I went with both.”
“Sounds like something Fred would come up with.”
“Ugh, don’t say that.”
Tadashi couldn’t help but laugh through his tears as Wasabi kissed his forehead. His laughter ceased when his lips got covered, and soon they both sat on the sofa sharing tender kisses with each other. Wasabi was just about to push the beautiful, scarred man beneath him when they both heard a door creak open. He immediately leapt off his boyfriend like someone poured ice water on him (and he honestly wouldn’t put it past Hiro to do so).
“Christ, that kid has the worst timing!”
The sound of shuffling entered the room, and there stood Hiro with his clothes rumpled, hair even more disheveled than usual, and good lord, how was it possible for someone to look that grouchy? Tadashi grinned from ear to ear.
“Hey buddy, you have a nice nap?”
The boy growled incoherently before shuffling over to the couch and plopping himself down next to Tadashi, draping his arms around the older brother. And sure enough, there was that smug little eye of his, peeking out and glaring at Wasabi.
“Hey Tadashi, is your aunt sure he didn’t spend too much time with Mochi when he was little, ‘cause I could swear this kid was raised by a cat.”
That earned him a terrifying scowl, but it was quickly hidden when Hiro buried his face in Tadashi’s side, muffling a snarled “shut up”.
Wasabi watched as Tadashi smiled fondly at the angry ball of teen angst, gently patting the boy’s arm. It was absolutely ludicrous to think that this man would ever abandon his baby brother, even for him. As much as it hurt Wasabi to admit, he knew there was no contest; Tadashi would choose Hiro every time if it ever came down to it.
Wasabi couldn’t help but realize that now he was the jealous little shit.
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