#damn shoulda put 'own a sword' on the list

[the-blaze-empress]

third fucking try oml the post keeps deleting itself

[soyeahitsmiddleearth]

Dimension Jumping pt. 1

The Fellowship of the Ring x Reader

But a lot of the stories are about the reader falling into Middle Earth…. what about the other way around? If you wanted to do all the characters, you could do a point after they left Rivendell, before they split up?

Like for example, after Gandalf ‘dies’, and it could be something sweet and cute or whatnot where the reader helps them grieve a bit, give them a bit of a rest before continuing on their journey?

—

Weekends have always been your favorite time of the week. 

No responsibilities, sleeping in, more time, freedom, the list goes on and on. 

Your weekends are usually spent idly doing things you enjoy, like sleeping, and lot’s of stress free activities. 

Not this weekend though, for when you got home after a grocery run, you were met with quite the surprise. 

A total of 8… people? lay strewn about in your living room seemingly unconscious. They are dressed in odd clothes, holding medieval looking weapons, and they look rather raggedy and dirty. Four of them are extremely small, and if it weren’t for their older looking faces, you would’ve thought them to be children. There’s also a handsome blond with pointy ears, a short red headed, bearded… man, and two semi-regular looking tall dudes.

Your groceries fall from your arms and land on your carpeted floor, but you barely pay that any mind since you can’t seem to tear your eyes away from the pile of people in the middle of your damn living room.

Your floofy white dog Penny is sniffing around them, but she doesn’t seem to be alarmed nor agitated by their presence, so that’s good at least. She’s an excellent judge of character after all. Eventually she settles down next to the tall guy with dark brown hair, and though you don’t like that she’s next to these strangers, you allow it.

The sound of your things falling to the ground seems to rouse them, and you watch as the man wearing dark clothing with dark hair opens his eyes and groans quietly. At first his eyes scan around the room, then they fall upon you. 

He sits up slowly, still eyeing you as he glances down at his small child-looking friends. A look of relief passes his expression before he looks at you once more, saying nothing while the rest of his merry band of crazies begin to sit up.

This is supposed to be your fucking day off, and this shit happens? A bunch of renaissance weirdos laying in your house, making your clean carpet dirty. 

“You know what, no.” You state loudly, successfully startling the dark haired man, “This is my weekend off, and I am not dealing with this. Whatever this is." 

You turn on your heel and begin picking up your groceries, though you remain vigilant incase one of them intends to try something. 

Once you’ve gathered all your discarded things you stand again and look behind you, seeing that most of them are on their feet and looking at you and your home as if you’re some alien in a structure unknown to them. You quickly look forward again and go to your kitchen, placing everything on your counters while you try to decide how the hell you’re going to deal with this. 

You look over your counter at the still staring people and ask slowly, "Does… anyone want a snack?”

Two of the small blonde men perk up when you say ‘snack’, so you take that as a yes and begin preparing apples, celery, and peanut butter for everyone to eat. 

By the time you’re done cutting up the apples you’ve only got two left, but you just sigh and bring out a tray with the snack and place it on the coffee table. 

The two blond… boys? run over to it immediately, but are halted by a sharp “No.” from the brown-haired guy. 

Said brown-haired guy is looking at you distrustfully, and you feel your blood begin to boil with his distrust (even though HE is in YOU home). 

“Okay dude, I get you don’t know me or whatever but you guys literally broke into my house, so if anyone is supposed to be cautious here it’s me. M. E. Me. I’m offering your… children…? Adult babies? Boys? Food, and damnit if they want it then they’re gonna eat it.” Your little outburst gets you several shocked looks, but you’re so FUCKING tired, you’ve just got no energy to deal with this. 

“We 'broke into your house’?” He repeats slowly, “I have no recollection of our relocation to your… house, and I’ve never seen someone of your caliber, nor a place so… odd, before. So forgive me if I am skeptical of our suspiciously willing host.” His voice is dripping with sarcasm, and it successfully ruffles your self control. 

“Now you listen here Mr. Broody, I’m not about to get sass in my own home. By god if Penny didn’t seem to love you so much I would vaporize you where you stand!” Big talk for such a small person, yes, but you stand by your statement. 

Only you don’t get the reaction you were expecting, because suddenly everyone looks horrified. 

“You can do that?” One of the small blond boys(?) gasps, scooting closer to his look-alike. 

The guy you were mouthing off to grabs the hilt of his -is that a fucking sword?!- weapon and steps in front of the small guys. The tall blond dude, other actual human, and short ginger haired man do the same, and suddenly you feel a lot less satisfied. 

“Woah there fellas, It’s a figure of speech!” You say quickly, raising your hands in a surrender motion. 

Penny senses your sudden distress, so she bounds over to you and presses her nose against your knee in a way meant to gather your attention. You glance down at her and visibly relax before looking back up at the still tense men in front of you. 

“Tough crowd…” You reach down slowly and pat Penny’s head, watching as their eyes follow your movements. “Okay, look. I’m not going to like, poison you or whatever you’re afraid of. How about we start with introductions, hm?" 

The same guy from before nods his head slowly (it seems he’s the leader here) and tells you a little hesitantly, "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. A Ranger, also known as Strider by most." 

What in the ever loving hell did he just say?

You can’t even stop the laughter from bellowing out of you, because this is just so god damn ridiculous and completely baffling. You grasp your stomach and double over with laughter while everyone else just watches silently and confusedly.

Eventually your laughter begins to subside when your sides start to hurt, so you stand up a bit straighter and wipe a tear from the corner of your eye, "Ahaha, ah… wow that’s good. But really though, I’m not looking for stage names bud, I’m being serious here.”

This 'Aragorn’ doesn’t seem to find it as funny as you do. “Stage names? No, I believe you are misunderstanding.”

The smile on your face drops and you suddenly don’t find it as funny either. “So… your name is actually Aragorn then?” Well, maybe not all of them have weird names, “Right, then what about the rest of you?" 

The other guy who looks like an actual human speaks up next, "I am Boromir, son of Denethor and Captain of Gondor.” Oh heck. 

Blondie comes up next, “I am Legolas from the woodland realm.”

Shortie #1, “Gimli Son of Gloin." 

The small dark haired man child comes forward, "I am Frodo Baggins, and these are my friends Samwise Gamgee, Peregrin Took, and Meriadoc Brandybuck." 

"What the-” you pause and cover Penny’s ears, “Fuck is all of this?" 

It seems your actions amuse the taller dudes because their stand-offish demeanors diminish as they seem to deem you harmless (I mean who covers their dogs ears when cursing? Clearly you’re pathetic).

"I’m afraid I don’t know what to tell you.” Mr. Aragorn states. 

“Well, start with where you come from, maybe?”

They all share a look before 'Legolas’ states, “We come from Middle Earth and have just traveled through the Mines of Moria." 

You literally don’t know what any of that means.

"Well, alright. Right now, I can tell you that you’re on Regular Earth and in my living room.” You don’t mean to be so sarcastic, but both the functional and rational parts of your brain are failing you big time, “Do you know how you got here?" 

You get 8 respective no’s, and while you expected that, it’s no less frustrating. "Shoulda seen that one coming, I guess." 

The Gimli character looks you up and down and asks in his gruff voice, "And what about you, you’ve not told us who you are." 

"Oh, right, my bad. I’m Y/N, and this cutie,” you reach down and pick up Penny’s front paws from the ground and wave them at the group, “Is Penny. She is the softest, sweetest, and cutest doggo you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. Disrespect her and there will be consequences." 

You stand back up and pat Penny’s head, watching as they all nod their understanding and appear rather nervous suddenly.

"That was also a joke.”

Most of them relax.

You tap your foot a few times and seem to think over your options, looking away from them and out the window. 

Clearly there is something very wrong going on here, so you can’t just throw them out, but at the same time you don’t have enough energy to deal with this today. And there’s the very real possibility that they could be psychos. But there’s also the fact that they seem to be a little worse for wear, some of them have puffy eyes, and is that blood?  Their disheveled and tired appearances tug at your heart strings, and you find yourself wanting to help them. 

“Okay, against my better judgement I have decided that I’m going to welcome the lot of you into my house until we can figure out what the hell is going on here.” This seems to surprise Aragorn and his two tall besties. “I don’t know why… but something is telling me that I should help you out, so I guess that’s what I’m going to do.”

Two of the small blond ones smile brightly, but you haven’t finished yet. 

“But!” Their smiles drop and everyone seems rather serious again, “If any of you try anything funny or start any trouble, I will kick all of you out. I don’t know any of you, and you all have weapons. So if I’m gonna let you stay then you’re going to have to behave.”

“Miss Y/N, you do not have to-” Aragorn begins, but you put up your hand and shake your head. 

“It’s fine. Just please don’t break anything, and if Penny wants head pats you had better give them to her." 

It seems your rules are fair enough, because you get 8 more head nods.

The two small people attack the snack you made finally, and you find that you can’t help but to laugh a bit. 

A thought then strikes you, "Oh!" 

Everything pauses and every looks at you again, more alert, but you just roll your eyes at how on edge they are.

"I was just going to say that I have two bathrooms is anyone wants to wash up.”

[blackaquokat]

The Song You Might Have Been (Chapter 5)

Link to Chapter 1 and Chapter 4 !

A/N: This chapter is shorter than past ones, but somehow I don’t think you guys will mind, considering...well. You’ll see.

TW for another Attempted Murder. And an actual onscreen murder. 

---

You go right back to your cell. You don’t come out for dinner or the rest of the free time you’re allowed. 

Yancy doesn’t return to the cell either. 

Rex pops in, leaves beef jerky and apple slices on the little coffee table that also decorates your cell. 

���I’m not much of a cook myself,” Rex says to your back. “That’s my cousin’s specialty. He’s been working for the same rich bastard’s family for twenty years now, but on occasion he comes by to teach me a thing or two. Let me know if you want me to teach that Yancy dick a lesson.”

You mumble a thanks, but you don’t turn away from the wall. Your tears have long since dried up, but you’re in no shape to be interacting with anyone else.

The worst part? There is the smallest part of you that thinks...you could probably be happy here. With Yancy and Tiny and Rex and Jimmy and everyone else. Sure, you could do without the constant fear of getting shiv-ed in the shower, but you also deal with the fear of getting killed at home. On the way to and from work. In your office. Living in fear of getting killed over your ethnicity and gender (or lack thereof) is par the course, but at least here you’ve built up the kind of reputation where the backlash to your death would actually cause a stir outside of your professional influence.

If--when you get out of Happy Trails Penitentiary, you’re going to miss these people. At least you can rest with the knowledge that a few of them have your back.

You hear someone else stroll down the hall. Notable, since the cells are all empty right now. It might just be Rex or maybe someone else checking in on you. Still...you’ve been lying here for about half an hour, you should probably get up. 

As you start to do so, a length of cloth suddenly pops in front of your vision and tightens around your throat. 

The air knocks out of you as you’re dragged from the bed and land hard on the floor. You can’t get a look at your assailant and struggle to slip your fingers under the cloth to get it away from your throat and panic rises in your chest and you can’t breathe, you stretch out a different arm and scratch at whatever part of your assailant you can reach. All you get for your efforts are grunts of pain and the cloth tightening further on your trachea, but then your arm reaches back even further in a last-ditch attempt and you manage to crack your knuckles into his nose and listen to your assailant cry out, but your vision is already blackening and you have enough time to think, this is it, this is it, Mom, I’m so sorry, I--

“EAGLE!!”

The cloth jerks and then drops and you fall to the floor in a heap, hand going for your bruised throat. You roll over and try to climb to your feet. Tiny is on your assailant’s back, legs wrapped around his abdomen while her arms have him in a deadly chokehold. The assailant spins and rams her into the wall of the cell, knocking over the small nightstand and the lamp. Tiny clings tighter through the pain in her face but after three more hits into the wall, she drops her grip and falls to the floor while you’re still regaining your breath and reaching for the lamp (it’s the nearest and closest thing to a weapon in your reach). 

Your assailant turns back to you and pulls out a shiv but then Yancy comes barrelling out of nowhere and stabs the guy in the stomach with his own shiv.

Your assailant drops to the floor in a bloody heap. Yancy kneels beside him and turns him onto his back. “How about you tell me why youse just tried to off my friend here, and I’ll consider endin’ your life a little sooner. Cut youse’s suffering short, ya know?”

The assailant gurgles before looking at you with a sinister grin. “You know exactly who sent me.” He starts to laugh and you only have a moment to be unsettled by this reaction before Yancy reaches out and slices the shiv across his throat.

You shut your eyes and press the heel of one hand against your eyes while your other hand continues rubbing at your throat. You feel someone touch your shoulder.

“Hey, Eagle,” Tiny whispers. “Let me get you to the doc, okay?”

You’re stuck in a daze as you let Tiny lead you from the cell. 

You almost died. In a far more horrific way than bleeding out from a shiv. You’ve seen too many of these cover-ups come across your desk before. 

You almost died. Again.

But what’s even worse is that your attacker wasn’t another inmate. But he was someone you’ve seen in the prison before.

He was a guard.

---

“I was telling off the boss for his behavior,” Tiny explains later, while the doctor looks you over. “I told him he overreacted and that you hadn’t done anything to deserve his bitchiness. He didn’t take it well, but I didn’t care and I came to look for you…” She looks down. “Maybe if I hadn’t stuck around to yell at him, I would have found you sooner--”

“You--” Just the one word hurts like a bitch coming out of your damaged trachea. You clear your throat and try again. “You saved me, Tiny. Thank you.” One of your arms spreads out, a silent offer, and to your surprise, she smiles and steps into your embrace.

Is this what it’s like to have a sister?

The thought hurts almost as much as your throat.

You don’t see Yancy until you’re escorted back to your cell by Tiny and Rex after getting the “okay” by the doctor. He’s standing by the bars, waiting for you. Arms crossed, head ducked. He looks oddly contrite. 

Not that you’re noticing very much, considering you’re still shell-shocked by the assassination attempt and the implications behind a prison guard making the attempt.

But when you’re inside, Yancy puts his hand at your elbow and leads you to the bunk while Rex escorts Tiny down to her cell. You exchange a grateful nod with her before sitting down on your bed. 

Yancy sits down next to you. “I...I...” he shakes his head. “Youse almost died here.”

If it didn’t hurt to speak, you would have had a lot to say in response to such an obvious statement. As it is, all you manage is, “Hadn’t noticed.”

“I shoulda been here,” Yancy insists. “I shouldn’t have…” You see him look at you out of the corner of your eye. His gaze lingers on the facial injuries you sustained from your fight with him. “I’m sorry.”

If you were in a better mindset, you could have appreciated the significance of Yancy apologizing. But all you can think to say at that moment is, “You were there. You and Tiny. You saved me.” You shake your head, tears falling down your face for the second time that day, for the love of God. “Our last interaction wasn’t that stupid fight, at least.”

A shuddering breath leaves Yancy at that. You take that to mean he feels the same about the situation. 

“Yancy.” Your voice sounds so hoarse. “A guard tried to kill me.”

“I know.”

“I wasn’t safe before. But if any guard here can also get me…” You bite your lip, then wince as the action stretches a cut on your chin. By chance, you reach back and rest your hand on the blanket behind you. Your eyes widen in horror and feel around the bed frantically.

“My notebook is gone.”

“What?”

You stand and glance frantically around the cell space. “My notebook, I always have it either on that table or hiding in my bed-sheets, it was here before I was attacked, and now it’s gone.”

Yancy stands up, an unsettling realization slowly shaping his face. “What exactly was in that notebook, Eagle?”

“That’s just it!” You hiss back to him. “Nothing incriminating for anyone! I hid my mom’s picture in there!” That reminder is particularly panic-worthy. “It’s a list of books inmates are asking for, other possible improvements that can be made to Happy Trails, the only thing I can think of is--” You stutter to a stop and fall back onto the edge of the bed. “Oh God.”

“What?”

“I...I just wrote up a list of people I could probably talk to about grants that could be used for Happy Trails. That’s the only thing I can think of that would make someone take it. Only one person in the entire prison could benefit from that kind of list.”

Yancy’s eyes narrow into something dangerous and he starts rattling the bars of the cell. “Rex! I need to speak to the Warden!”

“What?!” Rex shouts back from the end of the hallway. “Now?”

“Yes, now!”

---

Even though you insisted on joining him, Yancy made you stay in the cell. You obey, because you are so damn tired and wrung out, the idea of confronting the warden over your notebook might be a little much for you.

But it means sitting in a cell. Alone. The same cell you were almost murdered in. A double-edged sword. You feel as though you’re going to sink through the floor into the darkness and let it choke you up until the moment Yancy is escorted back. 

The grim looks on Yancy and Rex’s faces are not encouraging.

“What are the odds that the warden will put me in protective custody after he stole my notebook of financial backers? Or that he’ll at least give me back that picture of my mom?”

Yancy’s silence is all the answer you need.

“Yeah. Thought so.” Your eyes shut as Rex shuts the door and leaves you and Yancy alone again. “I’ve seen a lot of shit in here. He probably thinks I’ll...I don’t know, blackmail him or report his crappy operation.” You suck in a breath. It catches at the ache in your throat. “Odds that I’ll survive until the next Visitation?”

“Eagle--”

“Maybe I should start carrying a shiv around. Not like I’ve got ready access to a scalpel, like my mom did when she was an army nurse.” You are seconds away from sobbing hysterically, but you can’t stop yourself from talking even as it hurts your throat. “At least at home, I had my favorite pair of scissors when I was attacked, but there is no way I’m going to have access to any here, and those were almost as long as shears--”

“Eagle, hey--”

“That asshole was going to hang me in this cell,” you hiss, suddenly. “He was going to fake my suicide.”

Yancy winces. Then he nods.

“I...I don’t mind being here,” you admit, barely above a whisper, and not just because it still hurts to speak. “I like fixing up the new library collection, I like the connections I’ve made, I...I like that I’m not alone. Felt like I was always alone before, even with Mom and Damien…” You laugh in disbelief and give a groan of pain a moment later. “But, and I can’t believe I’m saying this...I’m not ready to die yet. Funny, considering I think I’ve been ready for most of my life, but...not like this. Not for someone else’s greed.” Your arms wrap around your waist, as if you can keep your molecules from flying apart in a fit of panic. “I don’t know what to do.”

“That’s fine, Eagle.” Yancy slides closer to you, puts his hand on your shoulder. “I’ve got a plan.”

You finally make direct eye contact with him, for the first time since your fistfight. He looks determined and intense. “Does this plan involve bundling me away into Solitary?”

“I’ll tell youse about it later,” Yancy squeezes your shoulder and you’re astonished by the comfort drumming through you at the gesture. “You need some sleep.”

Your laugh is disbelieving again. “I don’t think I can fall asleep tonight, Yancy. I keep feeling that damn pillowcase around my neck.”

Yancy is silent for a moment. He clears his throat. “Youse, uh...youse want me to stay up? With you?”

Your body starts to tremble in earnest. You drop your head into Yancy’s shoulder, wrap your shaking arms around his waist, and finally let yourself sob quietly. If Yancy is at all uncomfortable or disgusted by this turn of events, he doesn’t make any indication of it. He’s stiff for mere seconds before one of his arms goes around you and pats at your arm in an awkward staccato. 

(Dimly, you wonder when was the last time this man properly hugged anyone, or when he was last hugged himself. You’ve gone almost a month now without physical affection from your mom or Damien and the skin hunger is hitting you particularly hard now.)

You don’t remember falling asleep. You just remember feeling safe, calm, utterly exhausted, and listening to feeling the beat of Yancy’s pulse as your head drops into the crook of his neck.

---

Link to Chapter 5 !

Thank you for reading! Please reblog/comment! If you want to be tagged/untagged for the rest of this series or this pairing, please leave a message in my inbox!

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[ifritini]

Hey Kink! I loved your shy Noct. Would you consider a Gladio and female reader where they don’t get on at all, however they’re really just hiding the fact they are in love, queue happy ending! Who doesn’t like a happy ending?!?! Looking reading more of your work :)

P h e w sorry this took like 5 years, I originally intended for like a 500 word dabble but uh something apparently went wrong along the way. Got carried away so here 5k or so words for your enjoyment. God damn the longest thing I ever wrote for ffxv and it’s Gladio x Reader

With a flick of your wrist and command of will, your sword disappeared in a flash of blue glimmers. Finally, you could let out a sigh, letting the adrenaline rush out of you just as quickly as it kicked in. Staring down at your rather large hunt, a rather persistent Gianttoad, you concluded the day an official success.You joined in with Prompto’s joyful fanfares over your victory before following close behind to look over your spoils of victory.

Ignis was already staring down the beast, finding excuses to passionately figure out exactly how and what he was planning to treat you all with. Several times his finger pat against the cheek You couldn’t help but crack a smile the moment the advisor snapped his fingers after a few moments before snapping his fingers.

“That’s it!” his body was quick to perk up to his voice, “I’ve come up with a new recipe!”

That was all he had to say before he promptly called forth his daggers and carefully got to neatly cutting out an unnecessarily large slab of meat from the poor toad’s leg. Gladiolus quickly joined his side, instead taking a massive swing to cut it right off. Ignis looked torn for a moment, opening and closing his mouth searching for an appropriate reaction.

“Ah, thank you, Gladio.” He finally said.

“Nice! We’re gonna feast tonight!” Prompto cheered, rubbing his hands together.

“This wasn’t such a tough one. Shoulda asked for more work.”

“Nah.” Noctis said, managing a half-smile in his voice, “I’m pretty beat. Wanna hit by a motel?” The prince already started heading to the Regalia, making it clear his was more of an order than a suggestion.

The suggestion of a comfortable bed had most of your party let out an agreeing grunt.

“Saw a camping spot just near by. That’d spare us some travel.”

Out of all the group Ignis seemed to be the one to take the suggestion to heart well. “He is ri-”

“Hey, we deserve those beds.” Prompto cut the advisor off before the poor man could even get his reasoning out. “And we can spend our hard earned cash sooner! Win win!”

“Yeah, we all fought hard!” You added. While spending your just rewards this quickly wasn’t something you really agreed with, your passion for soft beds and warm blankets did.

“Some of us did.” A pause to glare at the prince who was entirely oblivious, then quickly shot to you, “While some still trip over their own feet.” he continued, almost too bluntly, “You almost cost yourself big time.”

Of course, how silly of you to think to get a compliment from this living boulder. Astrals forbid you do something right in his eyes. Still, even when expected it hurt you inside. “Cheers, Gladio.” you retorted, sticking out your tongue. “I suggest you follow your own advice and work on that shitty attitude of yours.”

“Hey, I keep us in check, make sure none of you are slacking off and keep your heads on those pretty little shoulders. I’m doing my job perfectly here.” With that he hauled the slab of meat over his shoulder without any effort.

You made sure he caught you rolling your eyes before walking off to join the other boys by the Regalia. The previous exchange was enough to put you off conversation for a while, so you simply excused yourself and slipped into the backseat of the regalia settling down in the middle. The others were mercifully oblivious to your sudden mood swing, or at the very most chose to not inquire you about it. The last thing everyone needed was a good day ruined with an argument between you and a stubborn mule.

You let your body slide down the seat as you stared off into space. Soon with the slab of that night’s dinner safely wrapped up in the trunk, everyone else joined you inside the Regalia and Ignis announced your next destination: the last motel you drive by. Night was looming over making the roads far too risky to drive back where you previously picked off.

Once on the road for the rest of the journey you decided to follow suite with Noctis and sink further down into your seat between the two men and nap out the rest of the short journey. While you feigned exhaustion, deep inside you just wanted the hurt from Gladiolus’ previous gentle criticisms.

There was never a good word about you to come from him. Endless criticisms, seemingly empty with their worth all but gone after you heard them a couple dozen times. Other than a few harsh comments your way, he never really said anything else unless some rare occasion where the both of you showed common human decency.

There were the occasional pangs of guilt playing at your heart when the group shared their quiet moments. When the two of you had those few hours with civil exchanges and Gladiolus showed that kind heart it always made your mind double think your hatred towards him. As much as you hated to admit it, Gladiolus had his charms even without taking his looks into account. He cared deeply for the prince he swore to protect in his own way, whether taking a blow for him or telling him to straighten up.

It was that devotion that drew you so to the shield. You wouldn’t dare ever say it out loud, but you admired him for it. A shame those thoughts were suppressed down to the deepest corners of your mind in favour to always keep his cold attitude towards you at the forefront. Gladiolus wasn’t allowed a single respective thought when he gave you shit in return. Or at least you tried to not give him any credit when you held some control over your often traitorous thoughts.

With one last disgruntled sigh, you let sleep take you.

● ● ●

The wake up call was a poke from Prompto leaning over his seat without a care in the world as he called your name excitedly a few times. “Y/N! We’re here! You too Noct!” He made a valiant attempt to reach out and give the prince the same treatment, only to have his efforts scolded when he leaned a bit too close to Ignis.

“If you wish for us to make it, I suggest sitting back down.” Ignis articulated each word to give the boy a clear picture of the glare he couldn’t turn to give. Without so much as a sorry Prompto was sat back down tenser than marble itself.

You barely made sense of the scene unraveling before you. The grogginess took over your mind entirely for a few moments leaving the world around you nothing but incoherent sounds stringed together with words you could barely recall and rendering your vision a blurry mess.

“M’ up.” You grumbled, forcing those cogs in your mind to start turning. A few uncoordinated hand movements and you sat back up straight, reaching out to cling onto anything as an anchor to reality. Your mind settled for the thighs of the men opposite of both your sides. You earned a yelp from Noctis as the heel of your palm pressed down to support your entire weight, and a soft “Hm?” from Gladiolus.

“Sorry.” Logically the only acceptable gesture was to gently pat his thigh. Considering it a genius solution to the problem at the time, you praised your brain for a job well done and smiled.

“Use Gladio next time.” Noctis grumbled, attempting to come out of his own little post-nap high.

A bodily shudder shot through your body at the thought. “Don’t wanna get lectured for it.” you replied. A silly move considering the man in question was close enough to leave your bodies pressing against each other.

Thankfully all you could hear out of him was a mom’s disappointed sigh.

Your mind was finally back to peak performance once Ignis took a turn to a motel’s parking lot. Naturally Prompto was the first one out, already swinging the door open before the advisor got a chance to fully park to the side.

“Yeah! Let’s go!” He cheered slamming the door behind him.

“Wait for us!” With as little grace as possible you climbed over Gladiolus before he got the chance to open the door and hopped out. You could only care to hear a disgruntled ‘Hey, hey’ before entirely ignoring him in favour of winning the race with the blonde. You watched as he sprinted for the reception, scaring the poor old man behind the glass by appearing seemingly out of nowhere. According to him you took an apparent abysmal amount of time, enough for him to reach out for his camera and snap a picture of you making it to the checkpoint and taking purchase against a pillar.

“Better luck next time, Y/N!” he laughed, lowering his camera to reveal his grin.

“I’ll win…  Eventually.” You squinted at him, but your eyes betrayed the smile your lips were masking away with a pout.

Prompto replied with an innocent wink. He turned down to admire his new picture before raising the camera back up to take a few snaps at the rest of the three finally catching up.

Noctis took his time dragging his feet across the floor, eyes half lidded and limbs effortlessly hanging at his sides flopping like a ragdoll with each movement. At this rate the poor boy will sleep through dinner. Ignis and Gladiolus followed behind, both their hands busy

“Some help would be nice.” Gladiolus grunted. He clearly barely struggled with the weight, but watching him attempt to lift a slab of toad leg in one arm, and three bags in the other did bring you great joy. Cruel, perhaps but amusing nonetheless.

“Sorry.” you reply meekly. You turned your back to him hoping to hide smile on your face. He gave you another of his displeased grunts, thankfully not following up with anything else.

“Uh…” Noctis’ hand sluggishly reached into his back pocket, pulling out his wallet and stared at the prices listed before him. There was that unmistakable look of absolute agony in his eyes as he dared to steal a peek inside his wallet, followed with him scrunching up his nose in disgust. “…One room, please. Double beds.”

Once he slid over the money the receptionist obliged and in return passed him the keys. He dangled them from his index, mindlessly spinning them through the loop as he searched for your designated room. All four of you followed behind, Prompto almost entirely lost to the world of his camera flashing through his recent pictures, Ignis lost in thought no doubt thinking about his new masterpiece, and Gladiolus lifting a Gianttoad’s leg like it’s nothing.

A last second thought you were grateful for pulling yourself out of, lest unsavoury thoughts plague your mind fueling your self loathing fueled solely by each individual positive thought you had of this living rectangle.

Once Noctis turned the key and kicked down the door, for the few seconds it took him to sprint to the bed you could have sworn you have never seen him more alive. You watched in awe as he abruptly stopped at the edge of the bed, preformed a perfect pirouette and proceeded to collapse face first on the bed. This was the happiest man alive.

You all made yourselves at home, Prompto claiming the same bed as Noctis sitting to the side at the edge of the bed letting his focus fully dedicate himself to the camera. Every few moments he’d disrupt the prince’s rest showing off various masterpieces. Ignis had Gladiolus leave the meat on the kitchenette counter then shuffle through his bags in search of his utensils ready to start cooking without settling down first. The other flopped down on the couch, dropping the rest of the bag to the side. He opted for reading in silence leaving you with the second bed as your little hub.

You flopped down, stretching all libs across the mattress while you still got the chance to hog it. It was almost painful as your tired muscles finally got to loosen up the knots built up throughout your battles.

“I’m gonna go for a walk.” you announced through strained words as you sat up. Every inch of your body was crying in agony upon losing the comfort of the bed. Despite its pleas to lay back down and simply accept the beatings of miserable thoughts you were back on your feet. A renewed pain and fresh air where no one could see you cry sounded far more attractive than dealing with unnecessary prodding from four other (or rather three plus not so gentle reminders of your alleged weakness).

“Huh?” Gladiolus managed to pull his attention away from the book, looking up just in time to accidentally meet your gaze, “Where you headed?”

“Outside.” You replied, quickly turning your eyes to anywhere but the man. Somehow you managed to feel that rare moment where any pettiness towards him subsided, those where you see a glimpse of a tenderness playing across the usually hardened features. Not that you would admit just how your heart fluttered each those times you catch him during those rare occasions = or more appropriately denied ever happened and ignored in favour for the grudges your mind would forever remind your heart. Sadly for once those were pushed aside as your heart beat hard in your chest as the feeling of eyes on your form persisted for a few moments longer.

You dared to quickly peak back up before setting off. Nose buried back into the book, what else did you expect? With the confidence of a baby chocobo you strode to the door, almost going as far to proclaim your so called confidence by kicking down the door. Instead of drawing any more unnecessary attention from your grand theatrics attempting to act normal, you pushed down the handle as any inconspicuous woman would.

“Y/N, could you-”

“Don’t worry Iggy I’ll just be a few minutes, okay bye.” without letting the man finish you slipped out, welcoming the cool night air against your cheeks.

You only heard a few murmurs from behind the door, sadly too muffled for you to catch any coherent words. Not that you cared with the temporary freedom to clear those pesky thoughts out with each inhale of fresh air. Now this as living the dream. If you had to lower your standards for a good time, then so be it as the price of genuine enjoyment. The terrace offered chairs paired with coffee tables to enjoy watered down motel coffees or typical plastic breakfasts, but instead you stepped down from the terrace to instead enjoy the befallen night to its fullest.

Now that the threat of demons was next to nothing, the various compound lights shining down over the lot as well as street lights stretching out across the road you could finally allow your guard to drop for once. The motel also came with another benefit - that of being tucked away in the middle of nowhere, leaving it eerily peaceful. Soft chirping of insects accompanied by trees softly rustling in the breeze served as your only white noise. Distracting but pleasant.

The sight above of a sky free of a city’s lights was all the more rewarding. Countless stars littered across the dark blue untouched by clouds. Sadly only the moon barely showed itself, cast out nigh entirely by darkness. Still, you indulged with whatever life so kindly gave to you. You tilted your head skywards with a relieved sigh, letting any doubt or worry leave as you exhaled through flared nostrils. Now with the newfound peace to both body and mind, the urge to cry subsided and instead a smile dared to spread across your lips.

You were so wrapped up with your little world of tranquility you never heard a door close behind you, nor the footsteps drawing closer till a shoulder not so gently brushed against yours.

“Best you snap out of it, don’t want you out here all night.”

You closed your eyes. A single gruff voice you could only ever compare to the likeness of sandpaper rubbing away at your nerves and all that giddiness ran off and hid back behind a couch to the looming presence of that meat mountain.

“Chill I just want a breather.” you snapped back.

“Fine, catch a cold then. Not my problem.” He grunted, voice near breaking through a facade of apathy to match your hostility.

“Will be when I sneeze on you.” your words were a joke, but that didn’t stop you from letting them come out as a genuine threat, “What are you doing out here anyway?”

Whatever it seemed he was up to was ignored for a moment as he stared down at you. There were no discernible hits written across his features, save for eyebrows slightly raised. You could only guess whether he was marveling at your admittedly silly threat or perhaps ignoring it entirely. “A job in your stead. Again.” He replied. The neglect in your voice managed to hurt you again, moreso that you had no idea what job you had so apparently neglected.

“Iggy was going to ask you to grab food outta the Regalia.” he continued after prolonged silence. With another sigh you could tell just how displeased he was with your confusion, “He was going to ask you.Before he got the door shut on his face.”

Your eyes lit up, albeit rather than from realisation instead came hurt from the continued cold treatment you were receiving. “I thought he was gonna warm me dinner’s ready soon or something.” You frowned, trying your damn best to keep your voice strong. However you failed, failing to keep up whatever confidence remained leaving your words falter with uncertainty.

This was precisely what you were trying to avoid. You swallowed hard, a desperate attempt to keep the weeks of bottled up frustrations at the man. Puffing out your chest and standing up straight, almost standing up on your toes to make yourself seem intimidating despite tears slowly welling up in your eyes. No matter how you tried to run from festering emotions, they always caught up and you always paid the consequences.

As subtle as you tried to sniffle,it came out obnoxiously loud to your heightened senses. The tears proved to be a far harder nuisance to combat against, threatening to well up at the corners of both eyes the deeper you dwelled into your thoughts. You watched Gladiolus turn his back to you returning back to his original goal with long strides. As if it would achieve you something, your eyes focused on him, glaring.

You dared not blink fearing it’d finally coax tears to fall. Your vision only grew blurry the longer you stared, despite the dryness slowly settling in leaving you in pain. Once Gladiolus finished hauling two shopping bags out of the trunk and locked the door shut he turned back to the motel room, seemingly ignoring your presence entirely no matter how deep were the holes you stared through his soul. As his body grew closer there was nothing you could read from him once more. There was something behind those amber eyes, well hidden and undecipherable to you.

“Hey!” You called out. The break in your voice sounded so pitiful you cursed yourself for it. Slowly you turned around to face him. He stopped once more just behind you and reluctantly turned to look down on you. You felt yourself physically wince at brows furrowed in annoyance, eyes still preserving their unreadable emotion.A myriad of your own emotions glazed over your features: hurt, anger, a million questions you wanted to ask that all boiled down to one word.

Why?

You dejectedly stared up at Gladiolus.The words were sitting at the tip of your tongue, but your voice cowered away. Your mind was rendered entirely oblivious to the shifting features of the larger man going from a previously hard glare to worry. He shifted awkwardly, raising a free hand out but froze the very same moment you felt a tear roll down your cheek. Your breath hitched to your attempt to garner even a shred of will.

“What is your problem?” You finally managed to choke out, a bit too self-aware just how broken up your voice rang through your own ears. “Why do you hate me?” You were ready for the lecture, called weak, maybe even worthless, good for nothing, a burden. Before your own thoughts would grant you mercy, the tears already started flowing down with no sign of stopping. This trip was supposed to be a life changing experience and give you some happy memories to forever hold in your heart.

Instead you got these good for nothing bitter moments to forever cling onto. The more of those parasitic memories popped up, faster they would tear through all others leaving you in that pit of miseries. How you tried to like Gladiolus, since the moment of your belated meeting with the boys. You thought you kicked off well joking around about this and that, making conversation even in the dullest of moments.

Then came the cold shoulder. Criticisms of you that came out more like nitpicks than anything of use, if not just cruel. Whatever message he tried to send came out pretty clear. You were not good enough for anything. Of course you would fight back with your own bitter retorts coiling the tension between you two to a near breaking point. Perhaps if your mind wouldn’t have clung onto the past memories this would be far less painless.

Silence.

“Asshole!” you gritted your teeth, hoping to bite down your broken tone pitch. With no more control over anything, not even yourself, you hung your head down. You crossed your arms feeling nothing more than like a child throwing a tantrum. You were better off distracting yourself with a countdown to the inevitable lecture, further dragging whatever resolve you had through the mud.

Through the haze your mind barely registered a thumb brushed against your cheek, wiping away the tears staining your complexion. The warm feeling of a hand cupping your cheek almost had you shuddering. Thankfully your heart couldn’t have its way and you jerked your head away rather than leaning into the touch. You heard the rustle of plastic bags and tins clutter against the ground, followed by two arms wrapping themselves around your body. For just a moment you were too shocked for tears. Once his warm body pressed against you, enveloping in such a weirdly comforting heat nigh foreign to your senses, your shoulders violently shook once more in tandem with pitiful sobs.

“Why do you have to treat me like shit?!” a weakened fist hit against his arm in a show of anger, earning not even a flinch out of him.

“Didn’t want you to be a distraction.” Gladiolus merely mumbled out his horrible excuse. Yet there was something akin to heartbreak veiled behind those words.

You broke away from the embrace, shoving him away. He stepped back out of courtesy rather than just by your strength alone, one arm still remained stretched out in a meek offer of comfort. You weren’t sure whether you wanted to yell at him for such a shitty excuse or laugh in his face for genuinely thinking that would suddenly excuse everything he had ever done to wound you. Your expression said it all, lip curled up into a snarl and furrowed brows.

“I couldn’t let some feeling get in the way of my work.” he said matter-of-factly.

“Feelings, eh?” you couldn’t help the bitter laugh that followed, “Good to know I’m the one worthy of hate after all your stupid hook-ups.”

Gladiolus returned back to that stern glare built up from before. “One night stands are different than love.”

Your mind went through some twisted version of grief, clinging onto disbelief for the longest few seconds of your life. Your features relaxed for a moment, letting his words sink in, followed by your eyes opening wide in disbelief and shock once more rendering your tears to stop in their trail. You then frowned, ready to call him out on bullshit.

“Are you done with the theatrics.”

The frown deepened. You wiped away the tears with your sweater and squinted up at Gladiolus with newfound vigor to yell at him back in your spirit. You couldn’t for the life of you come to terms with the confession, if you could even call it one. “You think hate is a better option?” You swore the spiteful voice behind you words was not truly your own.

An affirmative grunt. This time it was him turning amber hues away from your being in favour for a street lamp. “Thought.” He corrected you.

“You decided to give me hell ‘cause you can’t deal with emotions?”

“I can deal with my emotions just fine, Y/N.” his hand dropped back down to his side not before giving the tense muscles a little shake. “But a shield who’s too busy distracted by someone else is useless to the king.”

“You make me regret any past love I felt towards you, Gladio.” you snapped, pointing your index up at him followed by a vicious little poke against his chest, “And still feel. You have no idea how badly I want to hate you and your stupid, scared mug.”

Take that, dumbass you thought as he mirrored your previous different stages of denial as his eyes shot back to focus on you once more. He put up his own little show for you, imitating a fish as his mouth repeatedly opened and closed as any coherent thought failed him. Those amber hues however spoke every word he failed to form through his lips. Genuine, happy surprise read clear through.The conflict slowly settled in after the initial shock died down.

The aura between the two of you grew tense, leaving only the option to defuse it or let the ticking bomb continue before the inevitable meltdown. For a moment it seemed the both of you were defensive, you more so than him through clenched fists and strained jaw. So when you heard a single chuckle leave him he was met with a confused tilt of your head.

“Damn.” you once more narrowed your eyes upon practically hearing the smirk in his voice, “Seems we’re both fucked then. What were you thinking falling in love with me?”

“Nothing, clearly.” you replied flatly, and he replied by comically clutching his chest with an ‘oof’ “How’re you gonna give Iris the news I seduced you out of doing your job properly?”

“How ‘bout I show her instead?” Gladiolus closed in any space between the two of you. You were granted a mere second to think of a comeback before he rendered you silent, pressing his lips against yours. The breath was practically knocked out from your lungs, The thought to resist only flashed through your thoughts for a brief moment, before indulging in the surprisingly chaste kiss, deepening it as you pushed yourself up on your toes.

You pressed both palms against Gladiolus’ broad chest before balling the leather of his jacket in your fists pulling him closer. The rumble in his chest as he hummed contently was heaven to your touch spurring you further into your high. His hands found themselves clinging to your waist, following suite to bring you impossibly closer.

“Hey Gladio! We need to eat! Hurry up will ya?!” Noctis’ voice called from the door, unphased from the little scene playing out before him. The both of you froze in the spot, eyes opening in panic to stare at each other expecting some laughter, maybe even overly theatrical belching noises you wouldn’t put past the prince. A faint ‘Done’ followed instead, and silence once more befell between the two of you.

You pulled away in tandem, not quite sure where to place yourself in the chaos that unravelled in the past few minutes. Gladiolus seemed to feel the latter, a lopsided grin looking much like a satisfied cat. You could at least praise the Astrals for making this quiet moment between the two of you nothing awkward or unbearable.

“That’s my queue, babe.” Gladiolus was the first to speak up. The sudden pet name brought a flush of red to your cheeks, “You comin’?” Despite the smug grin tugging at the corner of his lips, amber hues glinted as they betrayed a genuine relief. It took a while before actions followed words and he pulled away feeling generous enough to pat away at any crinkles in the fabric of your hoodie.

“I, uh,” you cleared your throat trying to recollect scattered thoughts into something coherent, “Gimme a bit to think.” Your voice came out an embarrassing squeak, body still unable to recover. It was nothing more than a poor attempt at an excuse to cool down, lest the others see your face painted entirely red. No doubt a certain blonde would prod you with questions the moment he saw you, especially if Noctis decided to tattle on about what he witnessed.

He hummed in reply. “Might just drop these bags off and join you. We got some catching up to do.”

The implications had your face entirely morph into a tomato. As a retort you slapped his shoulder. “If you think I’m not angry at you anymore, think again asshole. You’ve got months of apologising to do.”

“I’ll think of something.” He shot you a sly wink, evading all other quips quickly picking up the shopping bags and jogging back to the room. He never shut the door behind him, making the promise weigh down on your shoulders. Pleasantly, for once.

Admittedly you wanted to yell at him for the emotional turmoil that was the road trip, but you couldn’t find the heart. The rational thoughts were overpowered by the happy flutters in your chest finally happy to feel something that wouldn’t have you crying underneath blankets in the dead of night. Allowing your thoughts to go through without any restrictions, you wondered if Gladiolus would have you crying in more different scenarios.

[lightningenergy]

@lightningenergy​ and @codyscommandpost​ proudly present:

Operation Cloudburst, a Pokémon Fan-Fiction

Disclaimer: Pokémon is copyright its original owners. The authors only own the plot and original characters. Any representation of real persons, dead or alive, is purely coincidental unless it makes a damn good reference.

Chapter 8 - "A Desperate Battle! The Monster Living in the Sand!"

May wasn't completely sure if she would confide in her partners about her revelation on the Snagged Altaria. The whole situation was pretty ridiculous no matter how you looked at it, and it was doubtful that they'd accept the truthfulness of her claim. In the end, she decided to keep a secret for the time being. She still had to purify it, of course…

She checked Altaria's Shadow Meter. The first segment had completely emptied and the second segment was slightly diminished as well, more a testament to how much traveling she had accomplished than anything. But now, having rekindled the bond with the Pokémon, May was determined to see that Altaria was returned to normal. She would have to battle with it… Shame I can't purify it by using it in a Contest, she thought, smirking slightly. But maybe once I finish up here and can go back home…

Her stomach squirmed at the thought but she ignored it. She would see this duty through to the end, and there was nothing more to it. Taking a deep, measured breath, May slipped Altaria's Poké Ball into her bag and headed back down to where her companions were waiting. Just go one step at a time, she told herself. Look too far ahead and I'll miss where I'm walking.

Looker was setting up a couple of tents, albeit with some difficulty. It appeared that the agent had access to all sorts of equipment, for which May was thankful: the idea of sleeping directly on top of piles of sand was not an entertaining prospect. Smidge preferred to watch rather than help, snickering as Looker poked himself with the poles and tripped over the fabric covering.

Manya was absent for the moment, having volunteered to round up some supplies. She returned within an hour after a quick trek to some sort of small market laded with food (among them about five different varieties of cup ramen, at May's request), a few dozen tubes of sunscreen, and a handful of Poké Balls. "Thought you could use it," she shrugged, handing them over.

"Thanks," said May, slipping them into her bag. She peeled back the cover of her ramen cup and poured in boiling water from a kettle (heated by a portable stove provided by Looker). The familiar smell enveloped her in an instant, causing her heart to lighten and a smile to spread across her face. May preferred home-cooked ramen, but she wouldn't turn down an easy sampling of her favorite food.

The sun was finally dipping towards the western sky, shifting from blue to a mix of orange and purple. This cooled the air but did nothing to remove the dry humidity. May stared out the gap in the ship's hull as she chewed her noodles, experiencing both relief and terror at the day coming to an end. She had only arrived in Orre this morning, yet she felt like it had already been an entire year.

"If I may," asked Looker, as though desperate for an excuse to cover up the sound of May's overly enthusiastic slurping. "What is our next move on this intricate chessboard?"

May could feel everyone's eyes on her as she gulped down the last of the cup ramen. She took careful care in setting the now empty container on the ground, placing her chopsticks inside. "I'll be honest," she told them, her stomach squirming in what was becoming an all too familiar sensation. "I really have no idea."

Her admittance was met with silence. Smidge was the only one who appeared agitated; Manya gave her a small nod in understanding while Looker's expression was stony and blank. She should have expected this, of course: she had assumed leadership (more accurately, it happened somewhat on its own), and a leader not knowing what to do results in a loss of morale.

"What a fine mess," Smidge said, throwing up his arms in exasperation. "We're outta in the middle of th' desert, and we have no idea what ta do. I shoulda never followed ya in th' first place."

"You're welcome to leave if you want," Manya told the boy flatly. "No one's stopping you."

"I'd rather not add abandonment to the list of things I'm worrying about," May told her, and Manya smiled back somewhat sheepishly. May addressed Smidge: "It's obvious that you're unhappy with how we're going about things, but I'd rather err on the side of caution when we don't have an exact idea of what we're up against."

"A mature way of doing it, I would say," approved Looker before Smidge could respond. "Even an experienced agent such as myself would do such a thing. Being confidential, of course, I cannot tell you how many missions I have worked on that ended prematurely due to such head-strong recklessness…"

"Fools, the lot of ya," Smidge growled. He stood up, fury and irritation flaring in his shadowed eyes. It didn't leave much of an impression, given his miniscule stature, but his language made up for it. "Abyss'll cause even more trouble with ya sitting with yer thumbs up yer asses…"

Manya was decidedly unimpressed. "Need I remind you, shorty," she said, arms crossed. "That you claimed to have no idea of what Abyss is up to?"

Smidge stared around at the three of them, stalling to formulate his answer. "Well… yeah, but —"

Looking at May with a smirk on her face, Manya held out a hand towards Smidge as though to say, I rest my case.

"— whatever it is," the boy continued. "I know it's not good, an' I can't believe you'd rather sit 'n wait —"

"Because we've been clearly doing nothing this entire time," May shot back, perhaps a little angrier than she intended. Something about Smidge's accusation caused her temper to rise… after all, he wasn't the one who was given the Snag Machine. He wasn't the one shouldering the majority of responsibility of preventing Abyss from accomplishing whatever their plans were. He wasn't the one who suffered through a panic attack…

"I suppose you think just barging in through their front door will accomplish everything all nice and neatly, huh?" she continued, standing up. She towered over Smidge but the boy remained defiant, glaring at her from under his bandanna. "Or maybe we should ask nicely? 'Excuse me, you're plotting something sinister, would you mind stopping for the peace and prosperity for all?' I'm sure they'll listen to that."

"You jus' got here, you have no idea how crazy these guys are —"

"You're right, I don't, which is all the more reason I don't want to put any of us in a position where we get overwhelmed just because you think we should be marching up to them with swords drawn and banners flying!"

Smidge crossed his arms, gazing at May's stern face. Then he smiled in an ugly, smug sort of way. "Ah… I geddit. Okay. You're scared."

May was taken aback. How did this little turd figure that out?! She blinked a couple of times in an effort to appear as though she wasn't as put off by the assessment as she actually was. Manya was glaring at Smidge with even more seething hatred than before. Looker was observing the scene with passive indifference, though a deep frown creased his face.

"I'm not scared," May rebuked flatly. I'm horrified, she clarified mentally, once more becoming all too aware of her heart launching into overdrive. She could feel the nervous sweat coating her body, prompting a chill to cascade down her spine. I should be more on guard, it's pathetic that he managed to guess that…

"What a crock," Smidge jeered, his laughter fake and hollow. "We get some people who're interested in doin' good and they're too worried 'bout being cautious than courageous."

"You have no idea what this is like," May said before she could stop herself. Blood pounded in her ears, her rage fueling a desire to be heard and understood. "This isn't something you can just clobber with pure force. I've faced people like Abyss before: if they want something, they'll go after it, no matter what it takes. I couldn't tell you how many times I almost died — don't you dare!" she snapped, for Smidge had uttered a huff of disbelief.

"Saw-ry." said Smidge, holding up his hands in surrender. "I didn't realize ya used ta be such a daredevil. Wonder what got ya inta bein' such a coward —"

"The talking is done," Looker interjected firmly. Everyone jumped slightly: he had been keeping so quiet that they had forgotten he was there. "Both of you." he added, for May had opened her mouth in rebuttal. "Now is not the time for it, and if we cannot figure out what to do we shall, as the phrase goes, sleep on it."

Smidge glared up at him, but faltered under the agent's gaze. He stalked over to the smallest tent of the three Looker had set up earlier and ducked inside. Manya approached May, her expression tender and inquisitive.

"You alright?" she asked quietly, brushing her fingers against May's arm.

"M'fine," May mumbled. Shame and embarrassment immediately replaced her fury: while laying into Smidge felt cathartic, she knew it was another blow to her unofficial leadership status. Their chances of surviving this battle had slipped even further out of reach, and she had no one to blame but herself.

"I can tell you're not," Manya soothed. "But you know you can't lash out at him like that."

"Like you wouldn't." May said, regretting it instantly.

"Point taken. But we've been going at this all day: we're exhausted and it won't do us any favors to keep powering on without sleep."

May stared out the gap in the hull. The deep navy blue of the night sky was gradually forcing the sun under the horizon, bringing with it a bitter chill that swept across the desert. She recalled something her mother had said once after arguing with Norman: it's okay to go to bed angry, because you say very stupid things when you're tired.

"I guess," May sighed, a wave of soreness and fatigue washing over her body. It was still difficult to believe only a day had passed. Just twenty-four hours ago she was back home in Petalburg, in her own room, with her own bed…

She heaved another sigh and crawled into the tent she and Manya would be sharing. Carefully removing the Aura Lenses from atop her head, May settled into the squashy purple sleeping bag. Despite her unending cascade of nervous thoughts and panic of what plan she'd have to present tomorrow, she set her head down on the pillow and instantly fell asleep.

Despite floating in the half-conscious haze of awakening, May's first thought of the morning was surprised relief at having gotten through the night without any nightmares. She felt rather comfortable for lying on dry, dust soil in the wreck of a cargo liner.

Her sleep hadn't been entirely peaceful, however: she appeared to have squirmed out of her sleeping bag, as it was lying in a crumpled heap at her feet. Manya, still fast asleep to May's left, shifted a bit as May reached down to straighten out her sleeping bag. At least one of us is getting to sleep in…

May slipped out of the tent, the warm morning air washing over her. She was too physically and emotionally drained last night to bother changing, though her outfit wasn't dirty enough to warrant it anyways. Her bag was still lying on the ground next to the portable stove, and May removed a collapsible brush from the depths within, attempting to get a bead on her mood.

Arceus, I hope I don't become dead inside after this, she thought, running the brush along her hair. Smidge is impatient, I'm indecisive and scared… I can't even imagine how Manya's feeling. May glanced back at the tent, as though Manya would produce a thought bubble outside the shelter. She didn't bother considering Looker, as she was sure he'd become immune (or perhaps numb) to these sort of feelings with the sort of things she imagined the International Police did.

Her stomach rumbled suddenly, and, as if on reflex, May tossed the brush back into her bag before turning on the portable stove. Within a few minutes she had devoured two cup ramen, stacking the cups within the one from last night. Neither Smidge nor Looker had made appearances yet, but Manya stepped out the tent with a yawn as May was finishing applying sunscreen on her face.

"Morning," Manya mumbled, her hair sticking out at odd angles.

"Hey," May replied, glancing up at her. "You look rested."

"You don't," the other girl replied, sitting cross-legged next to her. "I wasn't snoring, was I?"

May shook her head, flashing back to several nights' worth of sleep lost back in Hoenn due to Ash, Brock, and Max all being obnoxiously loud snorers. "Nah. Just… y'know. Trying to juggle all of what's going on."

"Well, don't hesitate to distribute tasks among us," Manya said, cramming half a protein bar into her mouth. "Don't be afraid to put us on the front lines."

"But I am," May murmured, now applying lotion onto her shoulders, though she couldn't quite reach some parts. Her stomach squirmed unpleasantly again and she briefly feared for having to revisit her entirely non-nutritional breakfast in reverse.

Manya snatched the bottle and moved behind her to help. "'Courage isn't the absence of fear, but rather action in spite of it.'"

"Sounds like a quote," smirked May, reveling in the sensation of someone rubbing her shoulders.

"Another television show I used to watch." Manya explained. "Geez, you're tense up here."

"Yeah, can't imagine why."

A loud, echoing rumble outside caught their attention, shattering the morning silence. They both whipped around towards where the sound had come from, ignoring the surprised yelps from the tents nearby.

"That sounded like… an explosion?!" May hurried outside for a better look: visible over the top of the canyon wall were multiple plumes of thick, black smoke. Manya came up behind her and they exchanged expressions of shock.

"Looks like it's from the other side of the canyon… what did you say was over there?"

"Team Snagem's hideout…" Manya answered, watching the smoke stain the bright blue morning sky. "But why would it explode…? As far as I know, Snagem wasn't planning on quitting anytime soon…"

A flash of panic pierced May's heart as she reflected on what Smidge had told her the night before. "I don't think they had a choice… I think this is Abyss' doing."

"What?" blurted Manya, her face contorted in confusion. "Why?"

"Smidge said that Snagem used to work with Cipher at one point then broke it off," May said, turning to face her. "And from what I know about bad guys, they're not always willing to give up their ambitions for someone else."

"I think you're making a leap in logic here," Manya said as Looker and Smidge ran up to them, gaping at the smoke columns.

"I wasn't done: what if Snagem broke off from Cipher so they could try and take control of things for themselves? If I was Abyss, I wouldn't want another organization trying to interfere…"

May turned to face her companions, about to tell them to head back inside the shipwreck, when Manya's earlier words flashed through her head: don't hesitate to distribute tasks among us. "Guys," she blurted out. "Head for the wreckage and see if you can get anyone out of there."

"Wha — are ya crazy?!" Smidge said, eyes wide.

"What are you gonna do?" Manya asked, already pulling on her boots, face set in steely determination.

May pointed off in the distance: three shapes were moving away from the explosion site, their silhouettes flickering in the morning sun. "Going after those guys. I'm betting they're the ones who did it. They don't like they're injured or anything."

"Let me go with —" Manya started, but May cut her off.

"No." she said bluntly. "Sorry, Manya, but I'd feel better if you did what I asked: your Solrock can shift things around telekinetically."

Manya looked like she was about to object but nodded instead, taking off after Looker, who was already making his way over past the canyon wall. Due to his hesitation, Smidge was lifted up by his collar and carried away by Manya in a surprising feat of strength. May watched them hurry off before running towards the shadows she had spotted earlier.

"Hey! Wait!" May scowled as she dashed to catch up to the three men walking away from the site. She could tell that the one in the lab coat was the one in charge: he had an air of importance about him, and a ridiculous haircut shaped like a Kingdra's head crest. The other two men cloaked themselves in black. Modified gas masks with a skull decal sprayed on the front obscured their faces.

The Kingdra-haired man turned at May's voice and frowned at the sight of her. Pale blue-gray eyes gleamed with disdain from behind thin wire-framed glasses. "We have an important schedule to keep, girl. The great Doctor Nemo can't bother to trifle with you!"

"You're with Abyss, aren't you?" May demanded, her heart still pounding from her spontaneous sprint. "You just blew up that compound, huh?" Her fists clenched, fingers digging the fabric of her gloves into her palm. "I don't think I'm supposed to let you get away."

"I have no time to answer." replied Nemo, glancing at the watch on his wrist. "My superior demands my importance presence." He spat out "superior" with certain venom. "I cannot grace someone unimportant with the presence of someone as important as I."

May felt her anger bubbling up again. Of all the people to commit such a violent act, it had to be someone as foolish as this? "Prove how important you are, then: battle me! If you're so great, you should demolish me completely, right?" She pulled a Poké Ball out from her bag. "Or is your bravado just for show, like that stupid haircut?"

She could tell she had touched a nerve with that last remark. Nemo's eyes flashed, but rather than stepping forward to meet her challenge, he addressed one of his bodyguards. "Keane," he barked. "Dispose of this insolent pest immediately."

The bodyguard stepped forward. He walked smoothly, with purpose. Every inch of his body was covered with sturdy body armor. The gas mask covering his face appeared to be connected to an oxygen tank strapped to his back. The mask's lenses were blackened and opaque, exuding a sensation of blank yet willing obedience.

Nemo smirked over at May, as though telegraphing that he had more knowledge of his agent's capacity than she did. "Now then…" he told Keane, adjusting his coat. "Do not disappoint me. The great Doctor Nemo does not appreciate failure." With that, he and the other man turned and disappeared into the cloud of sand kicked up by the wind.

May directed her attention back towards Keane, who had already tossed a Poké Ball up into the air, where it burst open. A Slowking tumbled out, slightly dazed and unimpressed, its red-and-white collar fluttering in the breeze. The gem of its Shellder crown on its head glinted as Slowking yawned widely.

The Aura Lenses starting beeping, and while May readily pulled them over her eyes she already knew what to expect: the smoky, violet aura of a Shadow Pokémon. She wondered if Keane was taunting her: he would have to know she was snagging Shadow Pokémon. Was this an indirect dare for her to snag it? Or was he just oblivious or (perhaps more likely) apathetic?

May's first instinct was to send out Venusaur: while her Poison-typing would be a disadvantage against the Slowking's Psychic half, May would've pressed the advantage of Grass over Water. She changed her mind, however, and sent out Altaria. As the Humming Pokémon settled gracefully onto the ground, the Aura Lenses sounded off again, which May ignored, well aware of her Pokémon's Shadow status.

Okay, what's my best move here? May thought, biting her lip. She remembered that Shadow-type attacks appeared to be super-effective against non-Shadow Pokémon, but what would happen when two corrupted Pokémon battled? There was, as the phrase went, only one way to find out…

"Shadow Rush!" she called, her heart dropping as Altaria leapt into the air and dove at Slowking. It pained her that she had to use Altaria like this… but she wanted to get its Shadow Meter down, since regrettably the Pokémon couldn't be purified yet…

Slowking's eyes glowed blue, and Altaria halted in midair, inches from making contact with its target. With the same Psychic attack, Slowking raised an arm, launching Altaria into the air; Slowking brought its arm down, and slammed Altaria down into the dusty soil.

Nuts. May thought. Slowking's telekinetic abilities were definitely going to be a problem, especially if all Altaria had for offense was Shadow Rush. Watching Altaria pull itself upright, May noticed all the dust particles jumping up from the ground, and a light bulb went off in her head.

"Altaria, kick up as much dust as you can!" she called, and Altaria stared slapping its wings against the ground, sending up dust and sand with each and every impact. Soon it was hidden within a miniature sandstorm, the sounds of its wings flapping serving as the only indication it was still there.

She spared at glance over at Keane, but the Abyss member had shown no indication of surprise (or any other emotion) at May's sudden shift of tactics. Granted, his face was hidden behind a mask, but even his body language hadn't shifted. He did, however, send an order for his Pokémon: "Surf."

A massive surge of water materialized out of nowhere from underneath Slowking, and the Pokémon was lifted up atop the wave as it reached its peak. Then, with Slowking leaning forward, the wave charged ahead, easily dwarfing Altaria's attempt at hiding. With a massive spray of water, Slowking's Surf collided into the ground, drenching everything within its reach.

May threw up her arms to shield her face, small droplets of water splashing against her sleeves and skin. They offered minimal relief from the excruciating heat, evaporating almost instantly. She looked back at the battle just in time to witness the remnants of the Surf fading, either due to the thirsty earth or the desert heat. Altaria, meanwhile, was nowhere to be seen…

… At least immediately. May caught motion out of the corner of her eye and could see Altaria soaring overhead, apparently no worse for the wear. Back on the ground, Slowking was glancing around, using both the eyes of its face and those of its Shellder crown to locate its opponent.

"Shadow Rush!" Altaria rapidly shifted into a dive, striking the Slowking before it had a chance to react. Slowking didn't appear to be bothered by the attack much, however, recovering with a mere shake of its head.

Huh… okay. So it looks like Shadow moves aren't very effective against Shadow Pokémon, then. That could be a problem: Slowking had access to non-Shadow moves, but Altaria did not. May glanced at the Snag Machine. Its screen had changed to display the status of her Pokémon, with both a health meter and the Shadow Meter visible. Was it her imagination, or had Altaria lost some more Shadow during the battle…? The fourth segment seemed to have emptied a bit…

The Aura Lenses emitted a sharp, piercing alarm, causing May to start. She focused her attention towards the heads-up display: "Altaria's emotions rose to a fever pitch. It has entered Reverse Mode."

Wait… Reverse Mode? May looked at Altaria: the smoky aura around it had enlarged somewhat, flowing around the Pokémon almost like a whirlpool. She had seen this before: it happened with Galli's Crawdaunt during their battle. Lily and Krane had mentioned it, too, as well as how to remove it... though why can't I remember?!

She cried out automatically — "Altaria!" — and the moment the word escaped her lips the Pokemon turned towards her. Its aura settled down to how it had been previously. As May attempted to register what she had done, the Snag Machine started beeping once more. "What now?!"

The fourth segment of the Shadow Meter was now completely empty, and a message had appeared on the screen: Altaria has remembered the move Dragon Claw.

May stared at the message, her overwhelmed brain fogging up even more. Why did Altaria suddenly remember a move? Was it because it had entered Reverse Mode, or that May was able to calm the Pokemon out of it? Not that this is the time for speculation…! "Altaria!" she called up to the Pokemon, her heart pounding. "Let's go! Dragon Claw!"

Altaria's feet glowed briefly, and became surrounded by emerald-green energy, which quickly flexed into large, curved claws. The Humming Pokémon shot up into the air, and, just as suddenly, dived at Slowking. In a flash, Slowking stumbled backwards, battered by two simultaneous swipes.

Alright! May's celebration was short-lived as Slowking quickly righted itself, but she didn't care. Altaria had regained a move they could actually use, even if it was only one for the moment. But I feel like we have a better chance now…

"Ice Beam," said Keane, and a narrow beam of cryogenic force burst from Slowking's mouth, which Altaria swerved to avoid.

Yeah, figures he wouldn't make this easy, May thought, directing Altaria out of reach of the continued subzero assault. She guessed a couple more direct hits would lower Slowking's health enough for her to snag it, but based on its attacks so far, she wasn't going to have an easy job. Altaria didn't have any projectile attacks, and Slowking would easily disrupt any physical moves with its Psychic.

Huh… wait a minute. May watched Slowking prepare another Ice Beam and an idea rushed into her brain. It was a risky idea, but what idea of hers hadn't been lately? As Altaria aileron-rolled around the latest attack, May called, "Go for a Shadow Rush straight at it!"

Altaria dived, its aura flaring up again. If Keane was surprised by this, he didn't express it, simply ordering yet another Ice Beam, which was exactly what May was expecting he'd do. Just as Slowking inhaled deeply, May cried out, "Now! Switch to Dragon Claw!"

The attack materializing around its feet once more, Altaria twisted around in midair, driving a solid backwards kick into Slowking's stomach. Slowking's breathing shifted into a loud choking noise, and it toppled over backwards along the parched soil.

"Once more, Altaria!" May said, already preparing a Poké Ball with her Snag Machine. Slowking was struggling to stand upright, though it never got the chance: Altaria landed another Dragon Claw from above, forcing the Royal Pokémon back down with a dull thud.

The Poké Ball in May's right hand flashed gold, and she tossed it at Slowking as Altaria fluttered away. The capsule opened and sucked Slowking inside, clattering to the ground. It wiggled for a few moments before clicking shut, its center button glowing red.

"Got it!" May rushed forward and snatched up the Poké Ball. Sparing a glance up at Keane, the Abyss solider hadn't reacted at all. The sight of his decaled mask sent a shiver down May's spine, and she hurried back to where she had been standing. Geez, can this guy even talk? It's kind of horrifying…

She almost wanted to make some sort of joke, but there was an almost unidentifiable shift in the atmosphere that convinced her otherwise. A sense of rage radiated from Keane, as though May snagging his Slowking had seriously triggered his temper. He made a sudden move, hand reaching for his belt, and May was half-convinced he was reaching for a pistol until she saw an Ultra Ball soaring through the air.

A massive bipedal figure appeared from it, standing at well over six feet tall. It was a monstrous creature, resembling a dinosaur carved from rock. Thick, green armor covering its entire body. Spikes at least a foot long jutted out of its shoulders and along its neck. A massive tail slammed into the dried-out ground with a heavy thud. The Pokémon unleashed a mighty roar that caused May to break out in sweat.

She had never seen a Tyranitar before, at least outside of her Pokédex. She had heard rumors and stories about how fierce and powerful they could be, and now there was one standing right in front of her. Its narrow eyes focused on Altaria hovering above it, a low, agitated growl emanating from its throat.

The Aura Goggles hadn't gone off when the Tyranitar appeared, which prompted an unpleasant realization that this wasn't a Shadow Pokémon at all. There would be no snagging this Pokémon: May was going to have to knock it out. But could she even do it? Fragments of Pokédex entries flashed through her head: can't be harmed by any sort of attack… overwhelmingly powerful… an insolent nature… a mobile disaster.

May would have to switch out her Pokémon: while Altaria had regained a valuable move, she highly doubted that it would be able to cause enough damage against Tyranitar. Raising up a Poké Ball, she called up to her Pokémon. "Altaria, I need you to come back!"

"Pursuit."

With astonishing speed for its size, Tyranitar managed to intercept Altaria's dive. Despite its rather small arms, the Armor Pokémon had enclosed Altaria's neck in a powerful grip, and slammed the Humming Pokémon into the ground.

Altaria squealed in pain, May's heart constricting in her chest. The Poké Ball's beam ensnared the Flying-type, withdrawing it into safety. May felt her fists clench up again, her blood boiling. The sneak attack drove both her anger and anxiety skyward, and for a brief moment, she was paralyzed, unsure of which instinct to focus on.

Then, from the back of her mind, a voice spoke up. Don't let them push you around, it whispered, stoking her rage. Show them just how powerful you can be.

May swallowed, her throat as parched as her surroundings. Reaching behind her for her bag, she felt around for another Poké Ball. Shaded from the sun, the casing felt cold to the touch, even her wearing gloves. It split open when thrown, dispelling the Pokémon inside: a dark blue turtle with a brown shell that reared up onto its hind legs, furry ears and tail wiggling as it stretched itself out.

"I'm counting on you, Wartortle," May said. She was honestly somewhat surprised that her voice hadn't quavered as she spoke, but, she reasoned, that was probably a good thing. The last thing she wanted to do was grant Keane any insight into her emotions. I'm not gonna let him mess with me… I'll show him the skills I've built up as a Coordinator!

"Let's start with a Water Pulse!"

Wartortle fired a large, pulsing ring of water from its mouth that rapidly expanded as it shot across the desert landscape. To May's surprise and horror, Tyranitar made no effort to avoid or nullify the attack: it merely allowed the move to splash harmlessly against its armor.

… Oh, crap.

Tyranitar charged, mouth agape, fangs bared. Deep black projections appeared around its jaws, increasing the size and reach of its Crunch. It lunged for Wartortle, but the Turtle Pokémon withdraw into its shell and spun out of the way, skidding along the sand. The two Pokémon glared at each other briefly, and then Tyranitar suddenly faded from view.

"What the --?!" May's eyes flickered around wildly, attempting to locate her opponent. A fierce breeze blew by, and something sharp grazed her cheek. She touched the stinging spot and berated herself for not noticing sooner: Tyranitar's Sand Stream Ability had caused a sandstorm.

Wartortle paused the rub some sand out of its eyes, and in doing so almost missed using Protect against the blast of electricity that burst out from nowhere. It scowled, eyes flashing between shadows that blinked as the sand whirled around. Its ears twitched, apparently attempting to catch any sounds Tyranitar was making, but the wind was howling quite loudly.

This was not a favorable situation at all. Not only was Tyranitar shielded from view, but the sandstorm would also chip away at Wartortle's health. May and Wartortle had to overcome Tyranitar's defenses while avoiding its outrageous power. One wrong move and Tyranitar would shatter them into pieces. Who knew what other tricks it was capable of?

Hard to believe this guy's just a bodyguard, May thought, narrowing her eyes at Keane, still impassive as ever. No wonder that snooty jerk left him behind to battle me…

Another Thunderbolt jumped out of the sandstorm, and Wartortle leapt aside to avoid it. May quickly had Wartortle fire another Water Pulse from where the Electric-type attack had come from, but to no avail. She was about to curse when she noticed something in her peripheral vision: a large, hulking shadow just barely visible through the airborne particles.

"Wartortle, behind you!" she cried, pointing. "Ice Beam!"

Her Pokémon whipped around and fired, the light-blue beam cutting through the sand and solidifying around Tyranitar's legs. They had obtained an advantage, however slight… now she just had to take advantage of it, and quickly. May wasn't sure how long the ice would remain solid under the harsh sun, and Tyranitar could break free at any moment.

Adrenaline flooded May's brain as she issued her next command for Wartortle: "Aqua Tail!"

Wartortle's tail became sheathed with spontaneously generated water, and the Turtle Pokémon took off at a run towards its target. It leapt up, gathering momentum for its attack. The moisture around it dispersed the sand, clearing the view. With a cry of "War!", Wartortle smashed its tail directly onto the Tyranitar's head.

… Or, at least, what it and May had assumed was Tyranitar. As she gazed through the path Wartortle had cut through the sandstorm, a horrible, sinking feeling developed in May's stomach. Standing there, lower half encased in ice, was something resembling a large plush doll. At first glance, it could easily be mistaken for Tyranitar, or any other monster-like Pokémon, but they had been fooled into attacking the Substitute instead.

With an abrupt, ear-shattering roar, Tyranitar charged out of the sand from behind Wartortle, its heavy footsteps mirroring May's terrified heartbeat. One of its fists was drawn back and glowing white, and before May could scream for another Protect, Tyranitar swung and clobbered Wartortle with Focus Punch. Caught completely off-guard, the Turtle Pokémon barely had time to exclaim in surprise before it was slammed into the ground hard enough to leave a small crater.

"No —!" gasped May, her mouth completely dry. She stared unbelievingly at Wartortle's unconscious form, lying in the impacted ground. She made an underestimation and now both she and her Pokémon had paid the price. Unconsciously, she rushed forward to grab Wartortle, to pick it up into her arms and apologize for letting this happen…

Something hard brushed against her head and knocked her sideways. She tumbled slightly and jerked her head up: she had gotten too close to the Tyranitar and it had whacked her with its tail. It sneered at her before disappearing into its Ultra Ball, Keane walking up as the sandstorm faded away.

Overwhelmed with panic and fear, May scurried back as far as she could, not daring to take her eyes off of the Abyss member. This is it, she thought, unaware of the small yet steady flow of blood running down her temple. I lost, he's going to do it, he's going to kill me…!

Keane stopped a few feet away from her, standing between her and her Wartortle. Without a glance at either of them, he bent down and scooped up something from the ground. He stared at it in the palm of his hand for a moment, though May couldn't tell what it was at all.

Sand crunched underfoot as Keane turned and walked away in total silence. May's hollow, raspy breathing echoed in her head as she sat there, waiting until his footsteps finally died away before scurrying over to Wartortle, stumbling as she did so.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, reaching out and tenderly placing her hand on its shell. "I'm so sorry…" This was hardly her first loss, but the magnitude of her situation meant this was, at least currently, the most difficult to tolerate. The guilt of causing her Pokémon so much pain would haunt her for time to come.

May doubled-over, her breathing becoming halting and sudden. Her heart threw itself against her chest, and the familiar icy-cold chill of sweat washed over her. Waves of emotion crashed against the shores of her brain: disappointment with herself for having lost; fear of Keane's stoic brutality; shame and guilt for putting out Wartortle against the Tyranitar; frustration over not maintaining control of herself…

Dammit. Dammit, dammit, dammit! She sat down, overwhelmed with silent, aching dejection. Blood from her forehead wound dripped across her lip, the taste of iron compounding with the bitter sentiments. May closed her eyes and buried her face in her hands. She knew somehow that, despite it seeming impossible, she would recover. For now, however, she was shattered, her confidence as barren as the expanse of land surrounding her in every direction.

To be continued...

[mugler88]

Every Single Rupauls Drag Race Queen Ranked from 1 to 100 by David Mason You will notice as thece list goes it runs from HARSH to KIND being that we go from people who are wasting our time and perhaps not living an honest fantasy but trying to be something they FEEL they're SUPPOSED to be and talented artists who capture us as they reveal beautifully honest selves which bloom from their unconscious. The Top 25 are ICONIC GOLD and are identities who hold their own amongst all the queens. They are APEX PREDATORS and each could arguably be made number one depending on each persons values. This is MY list and therefore it reflects my values and needs. 100. Phi Phi O’Hara Shes actually the worst for being a horrible person who cant figure out why shes terrible and thats the worst part. I actually BOOED her in public when I saw her. Is it wrong to not like someone just because they were born??? I think it probably is BUT I dont like Phi-Phi because when they showed her mom her mom was like 26 and I just thought YUCK, unplanned pregnancy is just TACKY and I wouldnt have to deal with you if your mom just had the balls to own her own body and be responsible and kind to the Earth and abort you but apparently the apple doesnt fall far from the (say this in Goldie Hawn from Overboard voice) “short, fat, slut" and you come from a long line of short selfish inconsiderate people. Phi-phi is the best case as to why Planned Parenthood should be next to every McDonalds. 99. Kenya Michaels : Oh god Im disturbed by her. She was like that little doll from Trilogy of terror. I found her strong sexual identity so uncomfortable as it was just too obviously a defense mechanism from being a tiny rapeable person from a third world territory. Thats AWFUL to say but Im sorry its just what I saw. I didnt find it funny or sexy. I found it awful and cringy. Its NOT a reason to not like a person but it is a reason as to why I dont want to see her on my tv bending over and WAGGING HER TWAT at me. I dont want to celebrate her complex attempt at molestation management, Im sorry. Lets hope this is me just projecting. I know this is too much for the SECOND entry but Im just saying what I felt. I wish shed read a book instead of just GOING WITH THE SEX THING. 98. Kandy Ho: What gross name, what a skank not even a good skank like Samantha Fox, just a shitty skank. 97. Phoenix: Who? I really have to speed through this list I have to go to the gym. 96. Madame LaQueer: Id put her at 99 but I feel bad for her. Im a nice person. 95. Alisa Summers: i have no idea who this person is 94. Penny Tration: Oh fuck you for that stupid name. Get the fuck outta here. 93.Vivienne Pinay: Why did she think she was pretty or passable or fishy or WHAT? All I saw was “Hi, Can I get the lunch special? I’ll have tai Iced tea with Rad Prik Chicken and coconut soup. Thank you.” 92. Venus D-Lite: Venus is who I think of when I think of queens that dont matter. I didnt even say that to be mean. She just is. 91. Jaidynn Diore Fierce: ??? oh she was the one I think should be named PEANUT. 90. Naysha Lopez: What plane of consciousness thought this person needed to be seen? 89. Sasha Belle: Awkward entry! Rip off Mugler Chimera dress. HERES A TIP PEOPLE, dont try and copy the most amazing well made dress in the world that cost 300k to make and 900 years of 900 year old Parisian couturiers to make. I PROMISE YOUR VERSION WONT BE AS GOOD. If youre going to copy something also make sure said reference has a TEENSY bit of wiggly room for either styling OR improvement. The Mugler Chimeira dress does NOT. Stop looking at it, you cant have it. 88. Akashia: Maybe the first person to fall on the runway??? I dont know? I dont remember her exactly 87. Rebecca Glasscock: I went shopping with Ru once at Saks and a sales girl came up and said “Rebecca works here now!” Ru went from Cafe au lait to FISHBELLY faster than she could mutter... “Rebecca is here?…....now?” thank god the girl was like “Not today”… Cocoa pallor regenerated, shopping recommenced. Rebecca must have been INSANE. 86. Honey Mahogany: Who and Why and whatever…. 85. Derrick Barry: Nope. 84. Robbie Turner: I wish you were Tina Turner 83.Cynthia Lee Fontaine:The cowboy look was like a THANKSGIVING revelation that GRANPA IS A CROSS DRESSER?!?! 82. Darienne Lake: Dip into the cool water of Darienne Lake was the best thing about her and that was Rus doing so.. BYE and shes from like Rochester or some shit. YUCK mid/western New York is SKANK. 81. Ginger Minj: Just everything I don't appreciate. 80. BeBe Zahara Benet: She won season one and I think the prize was 10k and it shoulda gone to Nina. 79. Bob the Drag Queen: After the extraordinarily beautiful Violet won. The audience of sheep were put off by their inability to relate to her because they just arent as good as her so the next season they wrote the season about having a “peoples princess” win and that why we have SHITTY BOB the person who shouldnt have ever been invited. Whats WORSE and MORE ANNOYING is the LATENT worship of Violet after they realized JUST HOW GOOD SHE WAS ONCE THEY SAW BOB and Im sitting here with my fists clenched screaming YOU IDIOTS THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT?!?!?! Bobs season was the worst. 78. Delta Work: Shes the drag queens drag queen. Shes too bitter for tv though. Same reason as to why Jackie Beat isnt on tv, too sour for tv, but thats ok. There is certainly somethig to have the cache of being the type of queen you have to go out to see. When she botched the comedy challenge I felt for her. I could really relate. She has the comic ability and you could just hear the inner dialogue of self sabotage running in her mind. It sucked. Thats one of my challenges too. 77. Thorgy Thor: Funny smart queen that I like. Tv isnt a format that suits her. 76. Sahara Davenport : A sweet soul. 75. Yara Sofia: Ick… The best example of LEARN TO EDIT. Her styling is THE GOOP SHOW. You know how some people just have BAD VIBES? I just dont want her around me. I dont see her vibes swirling in a direction I wanna head towards. I kinda hate dreads, Id lie and not say it to sound cool but there just unsavory to me. Patchouli.. thats what I smell when I see them in my minds eye.They just make me ask.. Why do you deliberately choose to be kinda not so clean? Its some romantic notion I don't prescribe too. Im not earthy in that way. Im Earthy in a watermelons are fierce kinda way. 74. Kelly Mantle: This person is not Christine Baranski! Why are you telling me youre related to a baseball player like Im supposed to care? 73. Magnolia Crawford: ahahahahahahahahahah... that poor homosexual. He MIGHT be more disliked than phi-phi. THAT NOSE gets points.. it HAD to be a critique on nose contour right?! Does anyone ACTUALLY know her?! I feel like this might be some weird dare that a straight guy did and made it on the show. It was all so WEIRD?! 72. Jade. I really dont remember a damn thing but kinda thought she was a nice person maybe??? errr ummmm I just shrugged my shoulders to myself. 71. Lanaysha Sparks: She was quite lovely and even surprisingly talented on the craft contest but not knowing who Diana Ross is and your a drag queen is SATANISM. Poor bitch is from Puerto Rico, do you now Puerto Rico is twice as poor as the poorest state? That sucks. 70.Laila McQueen: Is this an OSBORNE CHILD?? Had she been on previous seasons she would have faired better. Seemed like a kid Id hire as an intern and could trust. 69. Serena ChaCha Oh my god Serena snook right by me?!?! AHAHAHAHAH Serena! Worst look of ALL TIME. how was SHE an art school student?! I cringed when she said that as Im an art school kiid and was like NO NO NOPE TAKE IT BACK CLOSE YOUR MOUTH! Serena was the victim of QUEEN ON QUEEN GANG BULLYING and what was worse is AMERICA BACKED THE GANG RAPE. It was like that scene in The Dark Crystal when the Skeksi looses the sword challenge and they all tear the clothes of him and banish him! Alyssa WENT IN on her….Coco even got a piece of Serena that day! Serena is lucky to be alive. 68. Jasmine Masters: Im disturbed by my own ability to impersonate Jasmine Masters. Its not THAT GOOD but its better than a 225lb Pollock should be able to do. Her Slinky worm routine makes me GIGGLE. She is ANGRY…...BLACK RAGE which I kinda appreciate in a way. I get it. I have gay rage so why cant she have BLACK RAGE?! 67. Tempest DuJour awww tempest.. We all like Tempest. Kinda funny shes a costume design teacher though no? She gave my husband a shirt and my husband wore it for her all day in Provincetown because my husband is like the sweetest person ever. I mean people were like “TEMPEST DU JOUR?!” they practically SPIT on him and he still wore it and he tagged her in the photo and she didnt even regram lolololol My poor husband, I love him so much. 66. The Princess: I made a comment about the Princess' look being shitty on Instagram once and all her fans went APESHIT. It was the two nastiest messages I ever deleted. 65. Monica Beverly Hillz I shoulda put her farther back. She was not so great. 64. Vivacious: Awwww the old battle axe of drag. I support her endaevor but her looks were so dated. I do however respect her respect for the art so… 63. Lashauwn Beyond: That name is so real. You can say she sucks but you can also say shes the spirit of drag taking you “up" so let her be. 62. Mrs. Kasha Davis: WOAH boy did she sneak by me?! She must have got here EARLY and just WAITED. She sucked so hard you kinda loved her for being honest. Kasha was like your olde gay neighbor whos taste level sucks but you respect her because she went through the AIDS crisis and is still smiling. Not even kidding. 61. BenDeLaCreme: I just did not like her. 60. Pandora Boxx: Oh god Pandora. Did you see that Unicorn video she made… bless this bitch. 59. Shangela Laquifa Wadley: Shangela was just cheap. Shangela is like the same taste level as like Paula Abdul, Mad Tv, Khols, a Sketchers Sneaker… I just never like what she does. I dont need it. Its poor person humor. Just because you say something LOUDLY doesnt make it more funny. ( as I type in CAPS) 58. Roxxxy Andrews: This poor bitch dug a damn hole… You know shes not likeable because she was shadey but she was more talented then anticipated in the creative challeges, and I thought she had nice skin. My husband HATES HER. 57. Kim Chi: One note. Refrigerator being pushed down a runway. I actually dont like her for not having the courage to be out to her parents. Its insulting to the rest of us. Buck up bitch, your mom already knows, shes known since you were 2. The fact you think she doesnt know is INSANE. Your non outness renders any talent moot. 56. Adore Delano: Thanks but Ive been to Hot Topic, NEXT. 55: Acid Betty: I don't remember much about the 00S BUT I STILL REMEMBER THOSE WIGS. 54. Courtney Act: Ok sure, but wheres the interesting part???? Her finale dress that was like rainbow hologram acetate was cool and nobody even mentioned it. 53. Trixie Mattel: I tried so hard to be nice to her in Provincetown and she was a cunt. Why are you a cunt to someone being NICE to you? 52. Coco Montrese : I could say mean shit but I wont. shes worked long and hard and deserves a clap. Shes not even a cunt. shes out of touch but shes from another world. Respect your elders. 51. Dida Ritz: Talk about out of touch. Her weird self loathing “Im a white girl” routine turned me into Jasmine Masters?! Like EWWW NO, learn to love yourself BITCH. We all know she did one of the best lip synchs ever. 50. Stacy Layne Matthews: Wait shes NOT black?!??? She was from BACK SWAMP, that gets TREMENDOUS "SWAMP CRED" She was so fat her hormones were just like "WHATEVER.. theres simply "NOT ENOUGH of us to go around?! WE DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO.. What do you wanna be today??? When was the last time youve seen your genitals because are you SURE youre still a male?? We dont know and could use some DIRECTION?!” and I appreciate that. I like people who are just like IM WHATEVER. Not everyone has to be a male or a female you know. 49. Jade Jolie: Jade is surprisingly the fishiest queen in my opinion. I saw her at the premiere party before her season started and we honestly thought she might be BIOLOGICAL. This holds some cache in an art of trying to be a woman at least SOMEWHAT. She made the unfortunate mistake of becoming Alyssas ENEMY which at the time was ACTUALLY kinda necessary because if you remember when Alyssa first started she was not the Alyssa we know and love and was kinda of a cunt who needed to get CLOCKED. BACK ROLLS has now been mutters a million times by ME ALONE and lets be honest WERE ALL now VERY CONSCIOUS of our back rolls now. I even got COOL SCULPTING and yes it worked. It works if youre like semi normal with a slight love handle or backroll but not if you have a spare tire because then its just like removing a brick from a wall, and no it didnt hurt, but get it done in Florida because procedures are cheaper there. Florida is basically LAWLESS, they also gave me a VITAMIN DRIP as I did it. That is not legal in NYC. Jade had horrible style and made what looked like NAZI MATRIX PORN but dont imagine that in a good sorta Night Porter chic Nazi way. Imagine it as a black vinyl raincoat that that greasy haired kid in high school who wasnt allowed to be a faggot because you already had that role and did it better so he sorta segued into FETISH GOTH would have and now imagine him filming himself masturbating with a NON APPLE iPhone to a Marilyn Mason poster… That was her porn. 48. Sonique: Sonique is responsible for one of the wisest self realizations to ever surface on RPDR to me. After getting the chop she said something along the lines of “Well I guess theres more to life than being better than everyone.” YUP. Stop competing, life isnt a competition. You do you and thats your challenge, forget about everyone elses storyline. 47. Mystique Summers Madison: DANGEROUS PERSON but such good TV. To me it seems Mystique has the kind of tongue that can only tell lies, which is sad because that means she thinks whatever the truth is is so terrible she has to come up with an alternative. Thats unfortunate. That said I dont want her in my home. If she lies to herself and others this means she feels she doesnt have to play by the rules and probably steals. Did I just imagine her a thief? Yes, I did. I imagined her at a party at my house slipping one of my Versace candy dishes in her pocket WITH THE SOUR PATCH KIDS STILL IN IT. 46. Gia Gunn: Gia to me really is the sorta line between the queens you care about and the queens you take the opportunity to go get a drink while they come on stage. I took my two assistants on that Drag Cruise as a present and I cant remember what exactly happened but somebodies sneakers were TEMPORARILY ABDUCTED and Gia was UNNFUCKED and SURLY ABOUT IT. Gia on the show was half gross and half awesome. I feel shed LIKE to be nice but has so much DEFENSIVE ANGER she can't. Its a mistake as shed be much more successful if she got over that. She really feels herself despite having a wonky eye, really short legs, and likening herself to Talapia and aligning herself to TIM GUNN??? Your fashion references are from TV????!… OH GURL… NO!.… I like her though. Shes a talented performer. I feel like Gia is that friend you have thats sorta like a bad dog on leash. You have to be careful with them when around kind people but theyre also helpful because theyre more than eager to be the bad guy if someone is bugging you. We all have that friend and theyre kinda fierce. 45. Mariah. Mariah walked into the room first episode and I thought DAMN shes FIERCE... and then she never looked that good again. If I was just going by tv, which Im 98% going by shed be placed lower BUT I saw her on that drag cruise and her performance was PERFECT. It was CLASSIC DRAG but executed flawlessly and she was nice when we got stuck in the elevator with her. I feel like she thinks she has to be mean or fierce or whatever when shed actually be more well received if she was the person I saw on the cruise who was down to Earth and chill. 44. Milan: Milan is one of the few New York Queens that Ive ACTUALLY SEEN OUT. These other queens im always like NEW YORK? NEW YORK WHERE?!? Im a third generation new Yorker who has lived here 18 years on my own and Ive never seen most of these queens who claim to be from NYC. Milan is nice and a talented performer. I was never into her drag because shes real STAGE oriented and real JULIARD STYLE ( I dunno if she actually went there) and thats just not my interest but she at least TRIED. 43. Dax ExclamationPoint: I feel Dax sorta made a mistake pigeon holing herself as “Queen of the nerds”, as soon as someone claims identity of something on camera queens for some reason HATE IT. I imagine its some kind of projected self loathing as gays are trained to hate themselves. Like how dare YOU assert yourself as something, you CANT do that youre a faggot. I seriously think this is the unconscious voice in 98 percent of gay guys heads and its why so many are self sabotaging or drug addicts and why there is no such thing as a gay gay icon and even kinda why DRAG EXISTS AT ALL. We cant like ourselves because straight society taught us to hate ourselves so we put it all onto a fantastic woman. Dax seems like a nice person who doesnt have that insane person need to “win” and therefore really shouldnt have been on the show as she just got used as sacrifice for hungrier queens. 42. Kennedy Davenport: Wait did I already do Kennedy Davenport because I really didnt like her??? huh I guess I didnt. Well maybe my unconscious mind liked her more than my reptile ego did and she got placed higher than anticipated. How can you hate on a hard working talent who has a retarded sister she has to support?! Jesus christ give the bitch a tip and never do less than a FIVE when tipping queens people A DOLLAR IS THE SAME THING AS A QUARTER! 41. India Ferrah: Oh god I worry saying mean things about India because I dont want to hurt her feelings as worry that she TEETERS ON SANITY but she to me is what drag is WHEN I DONT LIKE DRAG. Her “combat contour” is brutalist to the point of being vulgar. To me her styling concept is PUT EVERYTHING YOU OWN ON NOW BECAUSE MAYBE WE NEED TO RUN OUT THE DOOR AFTERWARD. I mean its the 8 foot braid with a giant bow, and the top hat, and the body stocking, and the thigh high boot, and the breast plate, now a giant necklace to cover the edge of the fake boobs, now put a spider SUCKLING THE TIT of the breastplate, oh wait I have TWO BOOBS and I NEED ANOTHER SPIDER, now add a couple jewels to the eyes of the spider OH WAIT spiders have six eyes so add four more… now what about belts, I only have TWELVE…. 40. Mimi Imfurst: OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! She fucking CAPTURED India ferrah like some kind of MOUNTAIN TROLL?!?!? That was one of the most amazingly insane moments on TV ever! Then when Raven WENT IN on her in All Stars …omg I have that segment saved on my phone and just watch it when I need to feel “myself” again. Mimi on the cruise actually did the best read on the Michelle Visage roast. Shes smart but lets her inner voices get the best of her. We all have inner voices but I feel chubby people are chubby because the voices are louder. Im not even saying it to be a dick but it seems like with people who suffer from body issues LIKE ME the inner voices are so LOUD you can see them reacting to them on their face. Hang around me long enough and you'll totally see this. This is called being a function insane person! 39. Morgan McMichaels: Ahhh the Morgan McMonkey! Did you know shes actually Scottish, like from Scotland? That didnt come off on the show. Ok Morgan to me is interesting because as a person Morgan is just not my kinda person, she even has a SUPERMAN TATTOO and you know how much I hate Superman as to me he is the OPPOSITE OF CREATIVITY and a HERO TO SHEEP but that does NOT discount her talents. Ive seen her perform live and shes VERY good. Do I want to hang with her NO, is she a solid talent YES. I met her once and she tried to tell me she doesnt eat pork because PIGS DONT HAVE KIDNEYS. She said this while chain smoking cigarettes and drinking heavily… hmmmm. I dont even know how to organize the judgements I have. All this said I feel if Morgan was your friend you could trust her and shed definitely not be afraid of taking a hit to defend you. 38. April Carrion: She is the best example of being chopped too soon. Shes very talented and pretty and makes her own looks and I respect her abilities. She had more to offer as Ive seen other looks of hers and they were good. Too much of a shrinking violet to survive a comepetition. Shes quite lovely Im surprised she hasnt got some rich old benefactor. 37. Nicole Paige Brooks Oh my fuckin god Nicole Paige Brooks?!?!? Nicole is so important as she is SO MANY THINGS. Nicole is the ESSENCE OF REGIONAL TALENT. She is THE small town coke head faggot drag queen WE ALL KNOW. My mom would have had her on PROBATION. The spirit that has possessed Nicoles body is an ancient spirit which haunts every rural gay bar! Remember how she had the hots for Raven and also had FRECH TIP TOENAILS?!…That BODY built EXCLUSIVELY by COCAINE. Ugh.. Ive never even seen Nicole but I know her sooo well. Nicole has that IVE BEEN TO PRISON and ALSO HAVE CHILDREN and ALSO HAVE A CLOSETED BLACK BOYFRIEND vibe that is SO PURE. Nicole is the queen who marches in the regional gay pride parade wearing flat sandals and a bikini and ACCEPTS TIPS while she does it! Nicole might also work at BEST BUY when “O.D” (out of drag). and when in drag theres also the worry that she might ACTUALLY O.D. Nicole is important. 36. Carmen Carrera: Ok Carmen is from Jersey where its NOT EASY to be a gay soul. Carmen once tried to tell me its ok that straight guys call you a faggot there because its not an isult its just what you are… EEEESSSSHKKK That is some HARDCORE Stockholm Syndrome. I could say more but its none of my damn business. Im not crazy about Carmen because I think shes made some choices based on where shes from but thats none of my damn business so I’ll shut the fuck up. To me Carmen is an example of an unfortunate situation. Ive had to deal with those hardened Jersey boys as a kid and as a tender gay boy its NOT A NICE THING and it would have been easier for me if I was just a girl too. Yes shes pretty, I wish her happiness. If I was raised where she was maybe I would have killed myself. In a way she sorta did I guess but also rebirthed herself.. maybe I need to give her more credit. Im going to add this. Most of us have to deal with being a "faggot" in a straight world and deal with it however we choose. I for example fetishisize it as for me its a safe place thats at least exciting as its FIERCE to have your hot husband call you a faggot as he bangs your puss hole out. At least that way youre dealing with the anxiety in a safe place and its HOT its also a lot easier than getting a sex change, pretending it never happened, and siding with your abusers in an effort to make the best of a bad situation. Maybe Ive made the wrong choice, see instead of siding with them and changing my sex I went punk and just write horrible things about them on St Patricks day and work out a lot so I can intimidate them on the street. SIDENOTE I have NEVER had someone make an anti gay comment to me when they're by themselves, have you ever noticed that? The comments are only made when youre out numbered... fuckin pussies. 35. Jiggly Caliente: Jiggly is real. 34. Victoria "Porkchop” Parker: Porkchop must be worshipped as she was sacrificed for all our sins. 32. Ivy Winters: Nobody ever put it together that Ivy Winters looks almost identical to Grace Jones AND Jean Kasem. That is POWERFUL MAGIC. Too bad she didnt know it either because if she channeled that spirit she could have won this thing so damn easy. 31. Pearl: 31. Tatiana: The day Tati steps away from low brow nineties references and learns to kick is the day Tati advances much farther. She NEVER uses her legs and her legs are AMAZING?! I wish she woulda had the self confidence to get tougher on Raven when Raven attacked her on her season because it was so clear that Raven was operating out of total jealousy being both have great beauty but for Tati it was effortless and for Raven its four hours of incredibly skilled painting. Tati was too green to have that wisdom. If she had it…ooooohhhhh it woulda been FUHEEEEIRCE! 30. Laganja Estranja: Oh god… I dont have the mental capacity at this point to go into the psyche of Laganja…Laganja is so important. Laganja is the litmus for bad faggotry because shes ACTUALLY TALENTED, shes got an amazing body, but OH GOD shes a nightmare. You can tell her parents felt guilty and coddled and spoiled their baby gay into a place where the only way she now knows how to operate is to be a needy indulged victim. Her comedy routine with the old people was a SURREALIST MASTER PIECE. Get off drugs laganja, they dont make you cool and needing the crutch of a vice does not a personality make. 29: Jinkx Monsoon: Does anyone else remember how bad she was at the beginning of her season??? She got the ONLY edit and they spun her into a storyline where theres was no way she could loose. Ive seen this storyline somewhere and it was called PRETTY IN PINK. They basically realized she both Molly Ringwalds character AND the Ducky character at the same time and spun a storyline for her to win because they hadnt a queen like her yet. She is talented, not my kinda talent but whatevs, to me shes the MACARONI ART of drag. She woulda been my friend first year of art school but then you have to change schools because you find out she has a crush thats a touch much on you and its weird because you thought you were just good friends. 28. Tyra Sanchez: In person I think Tyra might be the most beautiful of all the queens actually. You won't believe this but its true, she's a stunner. Too bad she just wants to be the best Beyonce, and not the best Tyra. Tyra, you be TYRA because Trinity K already does a waaaaaaaaay better Beyonce to be honest and youre actually so good on your own if you just owned YOURSELF youd be extraordinary. Its a shame she doesnt have the insight or desire to be HERSELF. Isnt that INSANE??? Its why nobody likes her, because SHE doesnt like her?! 27. Alexis Mateo: When you read her name do you also read it with a lisp? I do! Alexis is a sweet person whom I really appreciate and is also a victim of the pageant system. Pageant girls suffer from not fully grasping why the pageant system is bad. Ladies, we dont think YOU are bad, we think youre victims of a horrible oppressive system that wishes to put women into a structure of something like a DOG show. THIS IS DEGRADING NOT ONLY TO YOU BUT TO ALL FEMALES. It attempts to organize the female sex into ONE SINGULAR IDEAL based on the values of MEN and thats FUCKED UP. To organize females into ONE SINGULAR IDEAL is HORRIBLE and ROTTEN. It DEVALUES any ability that men might see as something THEY have to deal with and DENIES ABILITIES and STRENGTH to women creating an oppressive structure for females to operate in. Its GROSS, dont buy into it, its not cool! 26. Shannel: I know you dont agree but Shannel is important. Shannel wears VON DUTCH HATS. Shannels best friend is the WHISPERING FACE in the mirror that tells her to believe insane things. Shannel has THE BEST EYES of all contestants. Shannel belongs to a mentally ill race of people known as SHOW FOLK. Shannel thought JUGGLING while walking down the runway would be IMPRESSIVE. Shannel paid FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS for that garment and Shannel paid TOO MUCH. Shannel WAS NOT ELIMINATED... SHE CHOSE TO LEAVE!….. Shannel is important. OK the TOP TWENTY FIVE IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. These are the APEX PREDATORS!!! Have you noticed as the list has gone on the comments have gone from VENOMOUS and PUNISHING to RESPECTFUL ACCOLADE and thats because as the list goes the talent increases and Im grateful that these people are inspiring, not wasting my time, and are championing values that need to be championed! When I typed this I just got so excited I moved my ENTIRE BODY on top of my little clear desk chair and Im sitting here typing like a GARGOYLE! Every single one of these queens are a WINNER and I mean that. Im not just saying this shit, each one of these queens is a SOLID ARCHETYPE and depending on your own values you could place most of them in the top five and have a SOLID ARGUMENT. This list however is MY opinion and MY VALUES so this is much more about ME than THEM of course. Honestly every single queen on this entire list is a talent and deserves respect for making the effort!... yes even Phi-phi. To be in the top twenty five however means you can STAND YOUR GROUND AND OWN YOUR OWN CROWN. Remember this is MY list. Youll understand reading this list I value creativity and HEIGHT more than anything. Being fishy doesnt count for much to me and if youre dumb and dishonest it aint gonna work out…. Here are THE MOST IMPORTANT QUEENS OF RUPAULS DRAG RACE!!! 25. Jessica Wild: AHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAH How the FUCK did Jessica Wild make the top list?! FUCK YES MISS JESSICA you MADE IT!! Ahahah this is WONDERFUl. I secretly admit I LOVE Jessica. Ill go so far to say shes almost like a KINDER EN ESPAñOL version of Alyssa! Jessica live is FUN and shes VERY KIND. I met her and she was a doll. Jessica is GOOD VIBES. I can totally hang with Jessy. Is she creative? NOPE. Is she Edgy? NOPE. Is she fierce… actually she kinda is???!. Shes a good person who you can tell HONESTLY LOVES DRAG and has fun doing it and THAT is why she made top 25! Shes a pure soul who enjoys what she does and that its the SPIRIT and HONESTY rarely found on EARTH! 24. Max: Max CLEARLY is really into Kristen Mcnemany. Max served us upper middle class white privilege. She was NOT bound by the oppressive low class moral standards of gender and sexuality! Max allowed herself to be flat chested and have GREY hair and this says IM WEALTHY AND EDUCATED ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE TO PLAY BY A MANS RULES AND BE A BIMBO YOU POOR PEOPLE?! Max was well read and Max is probably the most well travelled person in the semi mid west sorta shitty small to medium sized city in which I imagine she is from NEXT TO HER SISTER that was in THE PEACE CORPS (I imagine). I bet Max went to a college that was previously ONLY FOR GIRLS. Off the show Max really gave some fantastic editorial moments. I appreciated Max, she was refreshing. 23. Naomi Smalls: The Praying Mantis of drag! Naomis skeleton is the best of all the girls and thats why shes here. TALL and THIN is SO IMPORTANT. She actually was a nice person and very creative too. I don't like how people discounted her, she was far more creative than most of these people. 22. Milk: Milk is kinda like Max but not as annoying as a person and more “boy aware". Like I imagine sitting on train with Max might be tedious as her affectations are what got her chopped, and Milk though shes a touch WASPY for my tastes is actually cool and smart and you could share and laugh with her. Milk was MY club name in the 90s so thats interesting as were both tall white people I guess that name just gets handed to you. Milk is sorta the Sandra Bernhardt of RPDR to me but maybe its just the STRONG NOSE. I liked Milks Pinnochio A LOT but if I remember correctly she used the same wig or a pair of shoes a few times and that DOES get a deduction. She was REAL "I have a mom who went to college and shes tall and for my birthday she bought me an AFGHAN (the dog)." . SMART WHITE PEOPLE LIFE… basically everyone I went to college with. 21. Joslyn Fox: Jossy Fox is not trying to be anything she isnt and that is her refreshing appeal. Jossy shops at Tj Maxx and has lunch at Panera because she used to work there and still gets a discount because her fag hag never left despite making a lot of lateral moves that took her nowhere. If I had kids Id hire Jossy to babysit them. Jossy asked to have my husband visit her at her dining table on the drag cruise, BUT NOT ME. 20. Willam: I really should have put Willam at a higher ranking place simply because shes a class act and one of the only queens whos never asked for a discount and buys my clothes. She is the one queen who decided to play by her own rules which sorta bit her in the ass ALMOST, but shes also one of the only queens who has her own career outside of RPDR. I like Willam, shes distant and calculating, but so am I. 19. Ongina: Ongina is important because shes the first one to show that to be successful on the show its not about your elaborately constructed artifice that you might THINK is what makes people like you, but about the REAL YOU you fear to show others that is what makes people like you and this TEENY BEING had the balls to do it. Ongina is all about the live performance as shes a total charmer. She can dance in the palm of your hand and sleeps in a walnut shell at night. Her charm is her human connection that you dont get from most performers and you can't really get from TV. 18. Manila Luzon: Manilla gives the best costumes in drag styling. Her puppet faces are great, but ONE TIME USE, so shes a little for the kiddies and straight people who only see her once and dont follow drag so thats why she isnt higher for me. Remember if youre top 25 youre iconic! Im just organizing MY VALUES here so its not about these queens abilities but more about MY PERSONAL AGENDA and how I would ORGANIZE WORLD VALUES should I be given the chance…. (echoing Skeletor laugh) 17. Latrice Royale: Latrice is the spirit of America. If you dont like Latrice YOU ARE ISIS. Watch her performance at the season finale where Violet wins, its sooo darn good. Id love to put her farther up but I cant because she only wears THE SAME PAIR OF SHOES with every look. Lady… lay out some coins stop “living poor”. The moment you spend the dough to move yourself forward YOU ACTUALLY MOVE FORWARD. Stop living in a world where you cant afford shoes, break out of that mindset where youre worried to spend a little cash because you might not have it. LIVE RICHLY…YOU CAN AFFORD SHOES. That said remember CREDIT IS NOT CASH BITCH, do NOT use a credit card pretend you have the fantasy of the security of wealth, but I KNOW you at least have 49.99 for a plus size pair of PLEASERS! 16. Katya. The first time I saw Katya I thought TOTAL FORMER COKE HEAD... and I was right. Thats not a read its just the vibes. I think shes very smart and funny and her finale “read ya” was the best of al of them BUT she got a TOTAL SWEETHEART EDIT BECAUSE ALASKA WAS SLAUGHTERING EVERYONE so they needed to make it seem at least a LITTLE like a competition (though detox was like on another level) but I REALLY dont like that FORCED self deprecation and FAKE NICE LAUGH she gives people ESPECIALLY Trixie.. Stop GIFTING her that reaction, we all see right through it! It comes off like less of a laugh and more of an APOLOGY for existing and you dont need to do it youre fierce, just stop. Before you get too big a head though I have to be a good person and let you know your finale look on All Stars was the THIRD worst look ever to go down the runway behind Serena and Cynthia. Don't believe me???.. check out the hemline. 15 Jujubee: Out of all the queens I think if I had to spend an extended period of time with them Id choose Juju. Shes smart and funny and hopefully that would give me the opportunity to teach her about STYLING because she needs some help. Damn your looks are CHEAP woman. They sell Vogue at the GROCERY STORE!? Im not even asking for the far superior Italian Vogue, Im just saying SHITTY COMMERCIAL GROCERY STORE FASHION MAGAZINE VOGUE. Pick it up and then look at your clothes and figure out the difference. I actually think Juju might be the funniest queen even over Bianca. Shes certainly one of the smartest, and dont forget her library reading was really good. 14. Trinity K. Bonet: I imagine youre suprised at Trinity ranking so high up. Trinity is something I respect.. QUIET CONFIDENCE. Trinity was too damn well mannered to get as far as she should have in the competition and the reason why is Trinity K is the personality type I really respect who is someone who is QUIET and TALENTED. She lets her talents do the talking and unfortunately for good tv you cant just sit there and wait to slay on the runway, you have to have provide soundbytes and dramtic facial gestures for gifs etc. Trinity respectfully minded her own damn business and let her abilities do the talking and I REALLY like that. I went on that nightmarish drag cruise and hands down the best performance was Trinity it was about a ten minute Beyonce number and it was BETTER than Beyonce. It was FANTASTIC and im not even a Beyonce fan. I also think shes very beautiful and has a total Angela Basset quality to her which Im charmed by. Trinity was well mannered and polite and I kinda wanted to be her friend because someone like that benefits from someone like me who isnt afraid to maybe NOT be so polite should the rare occasion call for it. I guess Bianca kinda saw that too. I kinda think for some weird reason Im sweet on her because Tina Turner was my first concert at 8 years old, which I won the tickets to answering Tina Turner Triva on the radio, and that remeinds me of my mom who I went to the concert with and so therefor I want to protect this “good woman”. 13. Nina Flowers: Speaking of good women the next is Nina Flowers. I have NEVER heard ONE person say ONE bad thing about Nina and the multiple times Ive met her she is KIND AND LOVELY. Nina endured that entire CONFLAMA of SEASON 1 and DIDNT EVEN GET THE PALTRY 10k she deserved?! THEN Nina got CURSED with being paired with RAVING MAD WOMAN TAMMIE BROWN and ROLLED WITH IT without complaint. In fact if you watch All Stars 1 instead of complaining Nina handles her like a loving mother who has a RETARDED CHILD who YELLS A LOT. Speaking of YELLING RETARDED PEOPLE one time my husband and I were in Miami and we bought BAD PILLS (is there any other kind in Miami) and were TWACKED OUT ASSHOLES and ran into her and we COULD NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP and she was SO TOLERANT, AND SO NICE, AND SO UNBOTHERED that we almost wondered if we PASSED FOR SANE. Looking back WE DID NOT, Nina was just really nice. Nina is also a great Dj who really gets that CUNT FACTOR and makes for a great night out. 12 Miss Fame: Drag being an art form that relies so heavily on the magic of transformation being the best make up artist of all the queens certainly gets you TOP THREE placement. Too bad Miss Fame is the SECOND BEST MAKE UP ARTIST of Rupauls drag race. If this was a BIOLOGICAL female make-up challenge Fame would be the best, but DRAG MAKE UP is a VERY different art form. Fame had fantastic looks and a greatly appreciate her. I just wish the brains matched the visuals because theyre SO sharp. She really is the Linda of RPDR. Linda was my SECOND choice of the Supermodels, my first was Nadja so you can see where Im coming from. To me alien proportions and snowgress fantasies trump “classic fashion perfection”. 11. Chi Chi DeVayne : Chi Chi Devayne is THE SPIRIT OF DRAG. Chi chi is POOR AS FUCK and still managed to teach herself how to do BACKFLIPS IN HEELS. THERE IS NO REASON FOR ALL OF US NOT TO BE ABLE TO DO THE SAME BUT WE CANNOT! She is THE DRAG ASSASSIN. I respect her SO much. Imagine if she was given the same opportunities any of us in the North East of the United States were given?! When I was a little kid I wasnt rich either but I feel in North Eastern America you can receive a great education and you dont have to be wealthy at all. A good education is just kind of built into the psyche just like our PURITANICAL JUDGEMENT. I mean as a kid I grew up in a tiny single parent home next to a pond and it certainly wasnt GLAMOROUS but if I felt like it my 8 year old self could wander over to the neighbors house which was basically THE ADDAMS FAMILY MANSION to me which belonged to the professor who established the local community college and Id just sit there in his living room while he and his wife watched JULIA CHILD Id point at the random objects hed collected from around the world and ask “Whats that?!” and hed reply “That is a TURKISH BULLWHIP!” FIERCE?! ..with that information alone not only did I learn of exotic locations I never heard of I knew I TOO wanted to go there AND had the ability too. Something tells me being from Louisianna Chi Chi didnt have the opportunity to learn how to cook LONDON BROIL (I still remember Julia saying “Ooh this roast is SPITTING at me) while sitting in the dark at a baby grand piano while a Grandfather clock gonged in the background like these people did. It would be VERY EASY to be an angry bitter person coming from her situation and instead Chi Chi took it upon herself to excel to the best of her abilities and BOY HAS SHE. I feel Chi Chi was THE BEST when it came to Lipsynch for your life. All she needs is 12 months, a handful of those McDonalds gift certificates you got at Halloween, a stack of VHS tapes of STYLE with ELSA KLENSCH, 6 National Geographic magazines, and everyone dies. Chi Chi is FIERCE. 10 Chad Michaels: Being the number one Cher impersonator in the world gets you top ten placement forever. Its not debatable its DRAG LAW. 9.Tammie Brown: Tammie Brown is an UNCONTROLLABLE FORCE OF NATURE. Tammy is the SWIRLING POWER OF CHAOS. GRAVITY DECIDES TO LEAVE WHEN TAMMIE IS AROUND! Tammies superpower is that she holds no power unto her own but EVERYONE ELSES POWERS ARE RENDERED USELESS WHEN SHE WALKS IN THE ROOM. NO QUEEN has any power over Tammie and for THAT ALONE she gets top ten placement. Have you ever seen those crazy cat videos of cats reacting to people who throw a cucumber on the ground? If you havent, check them out, but in a nut shell cats are for some reason TOTALLY FREAKED OUT by a cucumber sitting on the ground. They go from acting relatively sane to COMPLETELY BIZARRE at the toss of a cucumber... well TAMMY IS THAT CUCUMBER. 8. Bianca Del Rio: Bianca is a hard working professional and a talent and Im glad we have her on “our” side as I cant think of any straight comedian who could beat her in a "read off". She doesnt particularly check any of my boxes as what she is Im not super into but you cant deny her abilities. Shes the sharpest tack. My friend Bradford hired her for a dinner and it was fine and fun and all and as she was walking out the door my NUMB NUT husband brings up “but what about the movie youre making?” this of course lead her to go on about how shes raising money etc so then BRADFORD THE ASSHOLE makes everyone say how much theyre going to donate to her film putting me on the spot to donate 500 dollars to the fucking crappy movie?! It was well shot but UGH LADY wheres the funny? I paid FIVE HUNDRED GOD DAMN DOLLARS FOR THAT MOVIE?!?! FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS….. FUCK.... thats TWO tickets to see CHER?!?!?!? 7.Sharon Needles: When Sharon first came out I BOUGHT IT, literally, I bought the t shirt which was secrelty packed as a GLITTER BOMB.. FUCKING CUNT…She really gave us hope and spoke to so many and was a creative and funny star. Shes a great talent who has done some amazing looks. Unfortunately shes become super sour and nasty and nobody wants to work with her and former fans are made uncomfortable to be around her. Sharon Needles is THE BEST DRAG QUEEN nobody wants to be around. 6. Violet Chachki: Im pretty sure Violet was trained by a SITH LORD or something. Shes CURIOUSLY YOUNG to be so professional and SO on point and just soooo good. God I hated the idiot RPDR fan base who talked shit about her simply because they couldnt relate to her because she was confident in her abilities. A wolf does NOT consult the sheep as to what to have for dinner!?! Im sorry but thats NOT something to make apologies for and its CERTAINLY not something you need to change. Nobody should have to dumb themselves down for the masses and Violet has not. She consistently DOMINATES THEM with her BITCH GODDESS self and Im SOOOO THANKFUL FOR THAT. This icy goddess holds the title for the number one AND number two AND number three best gowns on RPDR history. Dont go against Violet you WILL loose. 5. Alaska: Alaska broke all the rules by being HER OWN CREATURE. You cant pin down Alaska as one specific thing. Shes is an entity unto her own and that is so important to recognize. Shes also maybe the smartest queen of all of them. Her drag is a critique of drag itself which makes her a more evolved creature compared to “lesser” queens. Like all these top five shes really carved out PERSONALITY in her drag persona. Shes maybe made me laugh more than any other queen.The only “negative” I can think of is I dont like her interest in nails, seems like something India Ferra would be into. Its sorta weird that she named herself Alaska when the biggest gay icon in Spain and many other Spanish speaking nations is Alaska but shes from Pittsburg, not Madrid. 4. Alyssa Edwards: Oh fuck is Alyssa Edwards important! The DON KNOTSS of Drag Alyssa is sorta just like Texas from which she hails… BIG AND WEIRD THINKING AND despite being the essence of AMERICA its also ITS OWN ENTITY and by its own design is flawless and also VERY FLAWED! Remember when ALyssa first started and she was mean and people did not like her?! This is important to recognize because Alyssa HOOKED US with a very special chemistry of herself as a real person and this SWIRLY KOOKOO TOWN that her psyche exists in where shes the MAYOR, THE RICHEST LADY, THE NOSEY NEIGHBOR, AND THE BEAUTY QUEEN! Shes all those things and we get to see them all exist in every gesture. The gif of her negotiating a sip on an extra long straw was just as responsible for us falling in love with her as was her UNSELFAWARNESS (is that a word?) upon the HARD REVEAL of her BACKROLLS. Those lips and eyes are insanely MAGNETIC but all of it would be only half as magnetic if we didnt know what a LOOSEY GOOSEY she is?! You KNOW that Alyssa PERFORMS FOR NOBODY when shes by herself…. OFTEN. Alyssa I think is the only queen Ive ever hired and she got out of a cab by herself in FULL DRAG wearing like a TEDDY and a SHEER DRESSING GOWN and walked down the street in broad daylight asking my assistant if the MEXICAN RESTAURANT ON THE CORNER was where she was PERFORMING?!?! Alyssas personal styling is: “Dress, not particularly expensive shoe, AND PIECE OF THING ON HER HEAD- but NOT a complete thing on her head just a PART of something on her head! Its the VAGUE ALLUSION that this is part of MAYBE SOMETHING GREATER, or maybe shes been to SPAIN, or maybe she shoplifts at CLAIRES BOUTIQUE?! Alyssa is an America treasure! 3. Raven: Raven is JEALOUS BEAUTY. RAVEN IS EVERY FIERCE VILLAINESS THAT EVER EXISTED. Raven VERY EASILY could be my number one BUT IM LEARNING TO LOVE MYSELF and Im not going to SIT HERE and WAIT to be loved by someone I adore as they DENY MY EXISTENCE simply because THEY THEMSELVES are incapable of being loved. I already DID THAT SHOW its called ME AND MY DAD and thanks but over a lifetime as a child I sat there on the couch waiting for him to show up, which he often DID NOT, as I hoped that MAGICALLY ONE DAY this person you adore is suddenly going to take interest in you. GUESS WHAT… IT AINT GONNA HAPPEN!!! I might love Raven but RAVEN CANT LOVE BACK and instead of being MAD (like I was for a lifetime with my own dad) Im going to recognize that I dont hate this person at all, in fact this VILLAIN is a HERO to me and though I wish theyd be capable of liking me back theyre NOT and THATS OK. Im not the bad guy for that, and neither is Raven, and neither is my dad. Its something they cant do and MAYBE someday they will and if so THATS GREAT but until then Im gonna love myself and put interest in people who reciprocate my feelings.This all may sound like I had some kind of ACTUAL relationsship with Raven WHICH I HAVE NOT but Ravens entire DRAG CONCEPT HER VERY DRAG BEING is that story line to me. The even more twisted part is we love Raven BECAUSE shes cruel?!?! I think shes TREMENDOUS! Raven is THE EVIL QUEEN from Snow White, shes Alexis from Dynasty, shes Katra from She-ra. Raven IS jealous beauty. Raven is a cruel and powerful goddess and I LIVE for her. We have tried SO MANY times to hire her and it falls on dead ears. Shes cannot be bothered. She needs to GET BOTHERED because the reason why shes not an All Star is because she cant be. I mean I think its really because shes had a couple DUIs and theres no way a liquor company was gonna give 100k to a person who has 2 DUIS but you know what I mean.... Raven is also THE BEST DRAG MAKEUP ARTIST. All these future queens stand on Ravens trompe l’oeil bone structure. Ravens one word comments on fashion photo Ruview make me HOWL. Ravens astute observations are as sharp as her nose contour. Raven has the teeniest room for evolution spiritually I think JUST A TEENY BIT, like DONT CHANGE, but MAYBE get a LITTLE kind and Raven will be my number one and OH GOD I want her to be number one SO BAD. 2. Raja. Ok, now Im back to sitting on my tiny clear desk chair like a Gargoyle because its THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT QUEENS?!!?!? VERY SIMPLY without Raja Rupauls Drag Race would be MEXICAN TELEVISION! The show would be an FAR less elevated and be a GOOPEY SUNDAE of WIGS AND BOOBS AND WELL WORN DRESSES THAT SMELL LIKE B.O and ANGEL! Raja brings in references that lift the entire competition UP. Alyssa is Cosmopolitan but Raja is ITALIAN VOGUE AND NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. Shes still the best runway walker of all the queens which is like MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING. In her single season she gave us gold robot, amazon tribes person, Marie Antoinette, and when she walked in first episode it was the most obvious time someone was CLEARLY the winner from MINUTE ONE. Raja is the PUBLIC TELEVISION OF DRAG RACE! A FUNDAMENTAL NECESSITY to the CLASS LEVEL of Rupauls Drag Race and without her the floor would drop out. LETS IMAGINE AN AFRICAN WATERING HOLE with baboons squeeling, zebras making their weirdo sounds that you would never expect to come from a horse, hippos eating, hyenas laughing and all of a sudden the GIRAFFE enters the scene and everyone SHUTS UP AND STARES… Well RAJA IS THAT GIRAFFE... and yes Shangela and Yarra Sofia are the babbons. We need LESS BABOONS and MORE GIRAFFES. If I HAD to make a negative critque Id say Id just like to see LESS POT and WINE references on her facebook page because when I read that I think she might be mildly depressed and I dont want that from this creative talent whom I adore! 1. Detox. DETOX IS CHARISMA. Detox IS the MUGLER woman. Thierry Mugler is what saved me in college. Mugler is clearly what has saved Detox as well. The first time I saw Thierry Muglers work was at a newsstand in VALENCIA CALIFORNIA at CalArts and his robot suit was on the cover of STERN magazine and I grabbed it, and some suburban TWAT MOM shot me side eye because the robot suit shows nipple and of course she disapproved that because she was JUDGEY UNTRAVELED TRASH. I looked inside at his work and I thought I WANT TO BE WHERE THESE PEOPLE EXIST?!?!? I actually brought the magazine to my mentor and said "I NEED TO BE HERE." Well Detox takes me to that place! I can relate to Detox. Were really similar in many ways, both of us have tried to manefest that Mugler construct as best as possible and through ANY means necessary. If Raven is the Evil Queen from Disneys Snow White, Detox is Maleficent! Both are SO MAJOR how do you pick?! Well I will tell you how! Remember how in my Raven rant I was saying I was going to learn to love myself well putting Detox first is learning to love myself! Why?! Because Detox is the EVIL QUEEN who MAKES GOOD. When Alvaro offered to pay both Detox and Raven to send me a little happy 40th birthday message Raven didnt respond, and DETOX DID and REFUSED TO TAKE MONEY. You know when Skeletor feels the spirit of Christmas in the Heman Christmas special?? Well SKELETOR DETOX. Shes the VILLAIN we all love with A HEART thats open to be loved. Detox is the DAD WHO SHOWS UP. Detox takes great measures to embody the values that mean so much to me. Its actually HARD to be this GOOD. She is SOFT AS NAILS but you still wanna FUCK HER?! She had TREMENDOUS sex appeal without being soft, amazing style without being trend driven, and shes a bitch goddess without being bitter. Detox is number one, Detox is the good mommy.