#damn i never had a name for my old oc story

[ittybittybumblebee]

some older ocs

[kimberlygbart]

Role Swap AU Masterpost

If you're old enough in my blog then you remember [this]

Yeah in the end I never even updated that, it's almost a year since the mod was actually released but hey I'm here!

This also might be the last post regarding the AU. It's over fr, I've reached my dream in wanting to release a mod of it and getting fanart sooo yay, the AU is done for, but dw! I've kept Whitmore, turned him into an OC.

If I don't forget to post again lol Y'all will see more of him!

Anyways here is the mod!!!

Above it's all art I've made for it alongside a GIF :P

And below the cut, you will find more links, such as gameplay and all the music! INCLUDING the full-ass complete lore of the AU!

ya that's right!! Community game played my game ain't that crazy! Okay so here is all you need to know:

This is an AU where Whitty (now who's referred as Whitmore as his last name only) and Updike (Gabriel in this AU, he doesn't know his last name or anything since he was abandoned) switch places. ONLY they do in this AU, all others stay the same. Conrad Whitmore was raised by The Greater Good (similar concept to SCP) after being found in abandoned and crashed down lab as a doomsday experiment. TGG saw him as an useful tool Being fed well and trained since childhood, he's naturally taller and bigger than average Whitty. Also more tired. Just because Conrad had a good childhood doesn't mean he was free of trauma btw ☝ He had many experiments done on him such as vivisectomy, endoscopy and multiple blood tests and even organ removals, however he was often manipulated by TGG into doing this of free will, ever since as a kid.

For those who ask "well what about Carol? Does she still date the Whitty from this universe?" yes she did! Hex and Carol are/were still Conrad's closest people he has had in his life But Carol eventually broke up with Conrad once she learnt the true nature of his job. A big rift developes between them, with her trying to desperately convince him TGG is not the better solution it claims to be, while Conrad defends it with his life for is the only thing he knows. Their fights escalate a lot, until she visits him in his office. Needless to say it didn't go well.

I have an animatic as well! In a resume, their (verbal) fights gets him so agitated, he enters his ballistic stage where he hasn't felt that in years besides while a kid. And during his rage he pulls the trigger while Carol calls him names (monster being one). TGG covers the crime, the lyrics are important btw!

This all happened when Conrad was 21, Carol's death is tragic enough he enter a depressive episode + is taken back to his 'original bunker house' (where he was raised) by TGG for 5 years for reevaluation. Hex is the only one who knows what happened because Conrad told him. That's pretty much the lore? I think? UH anywasy tldr I became so attached to Conrad I've scrapped the 'swap' alternate reality of it and turned him into Whitty's twin brother (and Carol isn't dead there).

Also out of respect for Sock.Clip, Gabriel, or TGG no longer exists, I'm just dumping this here to be registered in my tumblr since it was the only social media I never uploaded the lore of my AU completely. But yes, swap whitty is fully dead, ofc ppl can make art for it duh, I just mean I won't be making content of it ever again, Conrad instead is being brought to the 'original' fnf world, and will be currently Whitty's twin, but his lore or story has been completely rebooted.

Thank you for reading all this damn ur a true homie!!!

[sleepyconfusedpotato]

Behind The OC Name

Thank you @kaitaiga @alypink @welldonekhushi @revnah1406 for the tag! Let's do this!

OKAY. I'm gonna turn into a bachelor of yappology here so bear with me ☝️🤓

🌹 Charlotte 'Jade' Le Jardin 🌹

Initially, I wanted to name her 'Roxanne'. Some of you might know this, but Jade used to be my original story's main character called Louisa. BUT, Louisa's initial name was Roxanne. I didn't know why, but elementary school me liked Roxanne so much (I didn't even know that it's also a song title by The Police back then HAHAH). I wanted a very recognizable name, but I think it was a bit much, so I switched to Charlotte because of Charlotte Bronte, the writer. Also, it turns out that 'Charlotte' means 'free man', it's pretty cool since Jade's story is mainly about breaking free from MI6's influence and shackles along with her parents. Meanwhile, Le Jardin was the result of Jade's family's occupation as a florist. I mean, it's a fake last name anyway as they were making an entirely new identity after escaping from MI6.

Jade was literally just because she had a green eyes, but I felt it's too cliche so I made an entirely new black division of MI6 where each agent is named of a type of ore/jewel. Plus, Jade is just easy to pronounce and recognizable, perfect for communication purpose!

🐞 Eleanor 'Ladybug' Graham 🐞

Eleanor's name came up just out of the blue from my mind. I drew Lady's design first, and then decided to make a name for her, and it's either Eleanor or Claudia, and I thought Claudia doesn't suit her at all, so I stayed with Eleanor. Eleanor means 'Light-hearted' or 'shining light', kind of goes along with her 'take-it-easy' attitude and how she's a medic and becomes the light of hope for the wounded. The surname Graham is literally just my obsession with Will Graham from Hannibal. My 14-16 year old ahh was obsessed with NBC Hannibal, and Will held a special place in my heart LOL.

When I created Ladybug, I knew I wanted a special and a cheeky callsign for her to pair with Gaz. I never really liked bugs, but I thought back then that a ladybug's shape and pattern is so damn cute and endearingly silly. So I just went with Ladybug. AND THEN, The NFC Championship 2023 game happened between 49ers vs Lions. Brandon Aiyuk caught a pass from Brock Purdy after the ball straight up bounced from Kindle Vildor's helmet, which resulted in a touchdown in the next play. At the interview post game, Aiyuk said "a ladybug landed on my shoe." JUST THEN I KNEW THAT LADYBUG MEANS 'GOOD LUCK'. And then the gears on my brain turned, and I can connect with how Gaz is always unfortunately hanging/falling from an aircraft, be it an airplane or a helicopter. The fact that he's always came out ALIVE after those events just tell me, there's gotta be a ladybug that's always with him 24/7!

🔥 Barandos 'Bara' Tarigan 🔥

For Bara, I just KNOW that his name's gotta be Bara because there's a celebrity chef from Indonesia called Bara Patirajawane, and it's such a sick name that I just had to make it into a name of my OC HAHAH. Bara also means 'fire embers' and it's pretty cool ngl. Tarigan is a Batak tribe surname (I'm half Batak from my name), so I just wanna have that element on my OC.

⏳ Silja Freyrsdottir ⏳

For Silja, I actually had quite a hardtime to name my OC. I didn't know what her appeareance yet, her story yet, and like what her role was in the God of War Ragnarok storyline. So I started to think of what goddess she was, and I wanted it to be close to Heimdall, so the Goddess of Memory and Remembrance it was. I then searched for that kind of god in the Norse mythology, and I didn't really find anyone that came close to what I imagined, so I just started from sratch. I sketched her character, and as I draw her I make up a story in my mind. Oh, she's an adventurer, a rogue princess, hmmm from what realm, Alfheim? Let's do that cuz I love Freyr. I wanted her name to be either 'Silja' which ironically means 'blind', or Ragnhild, which means 'battlecounsel'. QUICKLY I feel that Ragnhild sounded to professional for her adventurous character. Silja sounded so right, and her name could be like a contradiction to what her ability is, which is seeing people's pasts, but blind to the present (a flaw much like Heimdall's).

Tagging YOU 🫵 Reblog this with your OC's name lore!

[erisweekofficial]

Tonight we're SO excited to celebrate @littlest-w01f! 👀

🔥 Are you a fan of OCs? Want to read about multiple OCs? Anna's got you covered! Her Eris masterlist has several fics you can check out, but we recommend checking out Flames and Darkness, a mulit-chapter story that has us sitting at the edge of our seats.

We dare you to read her Eris Omegaverse week fic ft. Eris getting pegged 🤭

Read more to learn about @littlest-w01f 's thoughts on Eris and what she's getting him for secret santa!

What inspired you to start writing for Eris? And especially for Eris x OC instead of any other ship? I feel like there is so much to Eris that we don't know yet, we've barely begun to scratch the surface of his character. And honestly, from everything we do know about him, he has the makings of an amazing character if he's done justice (And I really hope I do). I feel like Eris is the kind of a character that if you try hard enough, you can ship him with anyone, and it will always make perfect sense. While I was reading Acowar I already was in love with what he could be so I built onto that and started getting fic ideas, some might think that he's lightly OOC in my fics, but he's perfect to me. I ship him with multiple of my OCs, I look at his character and decide what type of person would suit him best and build my character off of that till they are their own person whose sole purpose isn't being shipped with Eris, and sometimes the original reason I shipped them changes and I can see for myself that these OCs I have created always end up being more intimately attached to the character I pair them with as time goes by. I love my pairings cause they are special to me. I put him with many different types of characters and I love writing how he reacts differently to them, he's more cold to some he's a puddle of fluff with some.

What are some of Eris's most misunderstood qualities?

 I feel like we don't really know the real canon Eris at all, because we're seeing things from the pov of the Night Court so there is no reason for him to be his true self with them and it's easy for him to be lumped with "people who don't like/care for the IC" and some people hate him for that while the others love it when there is so much more to him. Obviously many people have pointed out the similarities between Eris and Rhys, but the main difference between them is that we see Rhys from the eyes of someone he loves and cares for that's why we see him giving reasons to his actions, while with Eris we haven't got that yet. Even still, it is clear to see that Eris has a close relationship with his guards and was genuinely worried for them when they were taken. Just because he doesn't care enough for one set of characters, doesn't mean he doesn't care at all. I doubt anyone knows the complete true Eris as of now but I hope we get to.

Can you give me a name for one of Eris's brothers? And also for one of his dogs?

Omg thank you for asking me this, I love names and their meanings, Eris is the damn lady of strife and I think it's all pretty cool. I named the second Vanserra son "Arlin" in one of my fics and will carry it forward for the rest of the fics which means "Warrior", which makes sense to me as after the Heir comes the Warrior. For the puppies, well smoke hounds, the youngest is "Ivy" in my eyes cause she always loves getting tangled up in vines and Eris has to free her every two seconds before she rushes off again to tackle vegetation, and that image in my head is too cute.

You have to get Eris a gift for secret santa - What are you getting him?

A. New. Father! With a ribbon and everything. Talking seriously, I feel like he's never had something cute before so a soft little fox stuffie or something along those lines I HC that Beron threw away any toys Eris had when he deemed Eris too old to play/have fun... That b*tch 😒

[cr33pz-mck3nna]

Some creepypasta headcanons/facts!

Warnings: Not canon as these are my versions of the Creepypastas

Jeff

• He dyes his hair black to look like his stepmother more, he's actually a blonde as well as both his parents

• He and Liu have different moms, Liu's mom being deceased, Jeff's mom having been a one night stand who abandoned him with his father. They have a stepmother by the time Jeff's dad took custody of him, Jeff was closer to his stepmom then his father, his father loving Liu just a bit more due to him looking like his mother but he'd never say that in front of his kids.

• Jeff and Liu have a half baby sister who was less than a year old when Jeff killed their parents, Jeff killed them just before Christmas but one thing he could never do was hurt his baby sister, he carried her to the police station through the snowstorm and was almost caught by the police leaving her there.

• Jeff only was going to kill his parents, Liu's "murder" was self defense as Liu attacked him to make him stop.

• Jeff knew Nina and Jane had just moved into the neighborhood and heard through the grapevine that Nina had a crush but he never actually met them, the only one he ever met was their father who he wound up having to kill after he tried to shoot him.

• Early days "Jeff the Killer" didn't like killing, he did it for survival, like a wild animal, in his eyes life is kill or be killed, now he doesn't so much take "joy" from killing, it's just a habit, something familiar and something he was sure of.

• Jeff still loves his stepmother and he regrets killing her and Liu, he has a distrust and dislike for his father due to the separation he made between them, as for his biological mother...now THAT is who Jeff hates. His ultimate goal, he will not rest nor will he die until he sees his mother does first. Jeff will never see that THING as his mother.

• Jeff is close with BEN because he reminds him of himself, back when he was the video game nerd with a love for call of duty and being left alone, sometimes he wishes he never killed his family but than he remembers his mother and bullies and it reminds him of why he is here.

• Jeff considers Sally like a sister to him And the feeling is mutual, she reminds him of his sister and in Sally's words "I always wanted a big brother!".

Hostility: 5/10, if you leave him be he'll leave you be.

BEN

• He has a hatred for pools and swimming as it reminds him of his death.

• He hates talked about his siblings, especially his older brother who killed him(His brother was mentally handicapped and hit him over the head out of jealousy at a family reunion since he was the focus of all his relatives, he was temporarily paralyzed from the hit and the fact he didn't know how to swim so when he fell into the pool he wound up drowning).

• He can't sleep most nights as his dreams are filled with the screams of his family as he drowned and the sound of his brother laughing.

• His mom put his brother in a mental asylum after his murder but hung herself out of shame, he doesn't know what became of his father and sister after that but he doesn't care, he's too busy haunting his brother.

• Once sold his soul to Zalgo to get his mother back, Zalgo did not keep his promise though and used him as a slave instead, he was saved when Slender bought his soul from Zalgo.

• He originally feared Jeff, thinking he was like his brother but eventually became closest to him out of anyone.

• Was unaware he was an uncle, or just how many damn kids his sister had, until he met his nephew Todd(oc of mine and a MC in my original story,named after Todd from Sally Face and has a similar personality) who is so much like him when he was alive they do NOT get along-

Hostility: 2/10, he only kills people when he doesn't like them or he's bored

Sally

• Sally had never met Uncle Johnny but she trusted him so much because how different could he be from her favorite uncle!?

• Her favorite uncle..that was her mother's sister(AFAB, Agender) Sally(whom she was named after) but she called them Uncle Sal(another oc, also named after Sally Face character).

• It was her first time staying at Uncle Johnny's place and was just supposed to be overnight until Sal could pick her up in the morning for a day out. Johnny the drunk bastard he was claimed she walked off in the middle of the night and he couldn't find her, in truth she lost her Teddy her mom made her and wouldn't stop crying so while looking Johnny being drunk got angry at her crying and hit her with his bottle which accidentally killed her, he buried her in the woods behind his house.

• Sally has a love for the color blue, her uncle Sal was considered the "eccentric" one of the family and was known for their wild hair colors, the most common one being a deep royal blue which is now Sally's second favorite color.

• Sally was the first one to meet Slender and the one to convince him that not all humans were horrible people.

• Sally has a strong hatred for adult men and will try to kill 99% of the ones she meets though she doesn't like killing anyone else.

Hostility: 7/10, she'll only attack you if you run and try to tell about her, though if ur a man start saying your prayers-

Let me know if you want any more or who you wanna hear about! And remember that most of the time I will NOT write for the canon versions of the Creepypastas but for my versions of them. Even if you ask for canon, I will 89% of the time reject the request for the canon versions or I will just write about my versions as I do not like the majority of the canon Creepypastas.

[dancingthrustars]

Two steps forward one step back, but in a good way, promise. Give me five minutes to talk?

I’m writing this with the knowledge I might not post it, I might get embarrassed about it and I might delete it but. I want to try.

Let’s be a little frank about what this blog’s been, as a whole.

It’s been a place for me to write, yes, but it’s also been, full honesty, an escape, a panicked and grieved one, away from all I was before. I grabbed my funny little Star Wars OCs and my loose concept for a Mars story and I ran out the door. I made a blog that for years had a header title specifically referencing that it was somewhere new. Somewhere different. Hell the name of the blog itself was that too. I didn’t want to lose all I worked on but I couldn’t bear to be in the same place as it anymore.

I still, frankly, can’t be. The part of me that craves validation and misses all that old feedback, even when I can acknowledge to myself that I wasn’t getting any of that anyways, really. Not towards the end. The peak of the glory days of the Achievement Hunter fiction community had, admittedly, passed a while before I closed up shop. It was nice having what I personally considered a Big Follower Number, but I’d watched plenty of people move on over the years. I’d made several posts half-joking about it in the year leading up to the Big Move alone but it was happening before that too. It wasn’t fun, I got really genuinely upset over the fact that in the middle of all the things I’d cared about writing, the quick brainworm things I slammed out in two hours were the only things that really got traction, but it wasn’t unexpected. It happens, people grow into and out of fandoms and followings and the beginning of the end for AH in the state it had been felt looming on the horizon well before…everything that happened. And everything since.

I don’t mean to dredge old wounds. It’s dramatic to say but I still find mine plenty raw, four years down the line. It aches at me that I can acknowledge, objectively, just how Mine everything was towards the end, how little I’d even really been watching videos and being influenced by them, and still be unable to even brush the edges of character descriptions, much less names. For a very long time I couldn’t even go back to look at my old work, though that particular aspect has gone away through slow and steady effort.

Anyways.

My tenure on satansprettyprose ran a little over five years. It had a huge impact on my life, with reverberations I still feel, and then it was over.

I left a lot of stuff behind when I moved here. A lot of things I loved, a lot of things that filled me with joy. Concepts of ideas, plans I had, conversations I wanted to continue and people I wanted to hold close. Not every attempt to bring any of those back to life has succeeded. Some have failed to such an extent I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to even shape the edges of them again without feeling it in my chest. Some things I might never be able to use again.

To be entirely transparent, the reason I pushed so hard last year to write once a month is that I felt myself drifting away from writing at all. I felt like no matter what I wrote it didn’t matter, it wasn’t what people wanted to see, it wasn’t what I’d done before, what I couldn’t go back to. Writing gives me such joy and I was losing my grasp on it because it felt like it was just me and the big dark shadow of the Before, even while I was actively running away from it. I don’t even talk about writing outside of here and my friend group and that was happening less and less. So I figured I’d give myself one last shot and see if I could even still do good consistent writing anymore. And I’ll be honest, I think I’m a worse writer now than I was. I’ve let the muscle atrophy.

But this last year I wrote some damn good chapters of Orbit in Decay and got us at least lined up for the real meat of the story to get going. I wrote Neighbors, a good amount of it, and got to play with different styles I’d been nervous to touch again, on top of having a lot of real genuine fun with opposing viewpoints. I wrote proper Star Wars things, pieces I’d been holding back on for years because I couldn’t get myself over the hurdle of my own self-conscious hurdles.

But more than all of that, I started working on things like what I’d loved. I started writing the still-unnamed fae stuff, which was and is a blatant rip of the ELR longform spy rewrite I’d been working on, just with supernatural elements and different characters. I started working on some old-fashioned tolsmol stuff, one of which went out last week. Another, which involves some mushrooms and star-void, is still rather piecemeal but has had some space to grow anyways.

And then last month. Last month I made Jay and Obie. Last month I broached the writing topic I was terrified to come back to the most. I wrote criminals. More than that, I wrote a lot of criminals. I’ve still been writing a lot of criminals. And it makes me so so happy to do.

I’ve written so much this last year I’ve had to start sorting it aggressively so that I don’t lose everything.

Here’s the point.

It’s been four years here. I’m older, I’m more tired, my health is worse and it’s harder to want to keep the ball rolling. I’m rarely on here, and I’m aware of that. There were some months this last year where it was all I could do to kick out something short at the very end of the month for the sake of checking that box and very little else. I’ll never match the person I was, but ultimately I think that’s what happens with time anyways. So, what then?

The answer is that I’m going to try. Like I’ve been but also more than that. I’m going to stop living in the shadow of it all. I want to write what I want to write and I want to create what I want to create. No more clinging to the idea that I can’t even acknowledge all I did because of all the guilt and rage and grief. No more forever reminding myself that I can’t because it was something else. I miss writing things, so I’m going to write them.

It won’t be the same, obviously. See the fae stuff, see Jay and Obie, hell see the clone lesbians I’ve been toying with. I don’t know if I’ll ever find a way to write a revenge story I won’t find utterly lacking and I know with a certainty that tears at me that I won’t ever be writing a massive longform polyamorous corruption arc again. No matter how much I miss it.

But we’re going to find rhymes, going to make new suspiciously similar OCs, going to write new and weird things, and some old and weird things too. And I’m really hoping it’ll make some people smile like it used to because I know it’s done that for me.

If this is published, if you’ve read this far, thanks so much. I hope this rambling thing made sense to you, since I’m getting too emotional to read it back. And I hope you enjoy what’s coming next.

[imblueeforyuu]

Hi again! Could you write a fem Yan please? I don’t care about what story or fandom I just need to feed my delusions😔thanks!

-💅

a/n ive been looking for an excuse to write one of my ocs and you just gave it to me i love you 💅 anon

Oc introduction- Alla | soft Yandere bunny girl x pest remover male reader part 1

You’ve worked as a pest remover for about two months now and finally you are allowed to go by yourself. Learning how to be a pest control man was kind of funny. You had to go through extensive training like you were training for the army. But no, you were really training to remove rats from homes. Which honestly was just as bad, and gross very gross. But unfortunately you're getting used to it. 

Today was a big day as your boss said, you were finally getting your first job alone. Which is cool but they’re making a big deal out of it but whatever let the old men have their fun. Your boss warned you about the client you would be helping, he called her a crazy old woman and told you it was just best to play along. You had no idea what he was going on about until you came to her house. 

“There’s a bunny girl stealing my vegetables!” She said,

“A bunny girl?” You asked suspicious, yup definitely crazy just like your boss said.

You did just as your boss said, checking everywhere for this “bunny girl” even though there’s no way it exists. You checked under the porch by the shed and in the gardens and saw nothing, it had been about an hour since you first arrived and you could confidently say there was no imaginary bunny human hybrid. The old lady looked disappointed when you said you didn’t see anything. She offered you some tea though, which was nice. But while you were sitting and talking with this elderly lady you noticed something out of the corner of your eye. At first it just looked like a girl sneaking around the backyard, which was weird enough but you notice two little bunny ears. You gasp slightly, was she telling the truth? You ask if you can look around again. She agreed and you went out to find that bunny girl

“Hey stop!” You yell. That spooked the girl and she went running.

Maybe it was a bad idea to run after a girl with bunny ears,maybe you were hallucinating. But you were too far to turn around now. You chased her to a forest she ducked down under a tree and you lost her for a moment but soon you found her again. She was hiding in a tree log if you can even call it hiding when you look at her you notice how scared she was. She was breathing heavily which could be because she just ran away from you so fast but her eyes were squeezed shut and her whole body was tense. You feel bad, damn it. The number one rule for being a pest remover is to never feel bad for the pests that were not welcome. But here you are petting this freak of nature. 

“Hey, hey it’s ok,” you whisper, still petting her. She opens her big doe eyes and looks at you. That is a beautiful cloudy blue.

“R-really,” she shudders.

You ask why she’s been stealing food from the old lady and she tells you she doesn’t have a home and has been homeless for years. And damn it pulls on your heart strings, fuck she definitely knows how to use those crocodile tears to her advantage. So you offer to let her stay with you until she saves enough to get her own home. You didn't know how she would even make money but you were desperate to make her stop crying. She nods eagerly. 

You told the grandma goodbye and that you fixed the problem, she was very pleased about that. The bunny girl who you learned her name was Alla left with you. You were kinda nervous to introduce her to your home but she shouldn’t ruin it that badly right? 

[scarletvanfleet]

Pairings: Josh x Danny, Sam x F!OC "Lena", Jake x M!OC "Kit". SLASH PAIRINGS!

Word Count: 9k

18+ NO MINORS! NO SMUT IN THIS PART BUT THERE IS SOME IN PART 2. ADULT CONTENT BELOW CUT.

"Sometimes when you want something so fucking bad, it doesn't go away. Even when it breaks your heart. Sometimes it just... Sits there. Waiting."

Read on AO3

Part 2 (TBA)

Warnings/Tags: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Fraternity, Angst, Mutual Pining, Graduation, Implied Sexual Content, Jealousy, Awkwardness, Hugs, Crying, House Party, Alcohol, Love Confessions, Explicit Language, Awkward Flirting, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Arguing, First Dates, Awkward Conversations, Frostbite, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Hypothermia-Not Serious, Jake is smitten, Classic Cars, Arts and Crafts, hand holding.

A/N Below Cut.

A/N: Hello! I'm back! A couple of you were interested in a follow up story to Philia, or a "not sad Josh/Danny fic". Well, in true Scarlet fashion, I have delivered. May I introduce to you.... Pragma. The sequel to "Philia", as well as the second installment in the "Greek Loves Universe".

Special thank you to my lovely Beta reader and best friends, @kultavalo and @jake-whatthefisgoingon-kiszka for your continued support, ideas, and interest in this world of fiction. You are the best friends a girl could have.

𓇢𓆸

Sometimes when you want something so fucking bad, it doesn't go away. Even when it breaks your heart. Sometimes it just... Sits there. Waiting.

This was the thought that was currently making its way through Josh's head as he crossed the stage to collect his diploma and move the tassel on his hat to the other side. When he looked out to the crowd to see his friends and family who were loudly whooping and yelling his name, he caught the eyes of the very person who he'd been tiptoeing around for the past three years.

So much had changed since that day when he and Danny had sat in his old beat-up car on New Year's Day, and he'd let him down as gently as he possibly could. But he knew that he had broken his heart, as well as his own that day, and damn near destroyed their friendship.

Josh knew that the damage to their friendship wasn't intentional. It just happened. Danny needed distance after that night, and time to heal. He was hurt, and Josh understood that. He also understood that he had to be real with himself and with Danny. That's why he did what he did. Sure, it was selfish, and he'd continued to be selfish in those years since then. Just as he'd implied that he would be.

He explored, he experienced. He worked his ass off in school, focused on his major in education and came out close to the top of his class. He partied and was involved with his Fraternity. He dated around.... Well... He went on dates. Slept with people of any gender, very rarely seeing someone more than twice, and he never formed a lasting attachment to anyone. He had friends and he had short term lovers. Distractions. That's what they really were.

Distractions.

𓇢𓆸

In the fall of the year after the New Year's party, Danny joined the Kiszka brothers at Michigan State and pledged the fraternity. He even got his own apartment near the university, which was pretty nice. He still came around regularly, mainly to do frat related activities and hang out with Sam. But that didn't mean there weren't times when they'd be relaxing on the couch when Josh would walk in the front door with someone neither of them recognized, barely offer them a passing glance, and lead his partner into his room.

The first time this happened, Danny clenched his teeth and sat through the movie with Sam. He tried his best to ignore the moans and grunts of pleasure that seeped under the door and through the thin walls of the house. He swallowed the lump in his throat and held back his discomfort until the credits started to roll, then quickly gathered himself and left the house with a promise to text Sam when he got to his apartment. He could see the turmoil on Sam's face. But what could he do? It was Josh's house too.

The subsequent times after that when Josh brought someone home, Danny had very quickly dismissed himself and left the house. Sometimes Sam would tag along with him, and on rare occasions so would Jake. They never really spoke about it, but Danny knew that they’d both harbored some guilt even though they really had nothing to do with it.

Other than those instances where Josh would bring someone home, Danny rarely saw him. In between their conflicting schedules and everything else, they'd almost never see each other. When they did, it would be at a fraternity gathering where they kept their distance most of the time, or at Sam's shared house where Josh might join them for dinner.

Their conversations were cursory in nature. Very often being a "hey" or a quick "how are you" followed by a curt answer and then silence until Sam cuts in with a random topic to kill the awkwardness.

Danny was immensely grateful for Sam at those times.

There came a point when the walking on eggshells, quick vague conversations and distance just became too much. After being friends for most of their lives the sudden change to near strangers was affecting all of them.

Josh thought that something had to change as he changed the direction of his gaze and began to walk off the stage to resume his seat next to his twin.

The ceremony went on for a long while and he politely clapped for each graduate as they collected their diploma and went on their way. He saw a few faces he recognized. Friends from classes, fraternity brothers, hook ups. When they were finally done with the last of the graduates, they all stood and cheered. Some threw their hats and others hugged their friends and went to hug their families too. Josh and Jake navigated the sea of people until they found their families and Danny all huddled together. They hugged all of them tightly but when it was Josh's turn to hug Danny, he hesitated. The two met eyes and Danny's hands twisted together anxiously before he sighed and let his hands drop to his sides. Ronnie, the Kiszka's sister, eyed the situation curiously as Danny stepped forward and brought Josh into an embrace. The surprise on his face was evident but it only took a few moments for his body to catch up and he put his arms around Danny's back to hug him in return.

It felt nice to be close to him again after the years of distance. He could smell Danny's after shave and that hair product he always used that smelled vaguely of coconut. The sensory experience made some tears well up in Josh's eyes as he sunk into Danny's chest. He hadn't realized how long they'd been hugging until he heard a cough come from his twin and quickly pulled away, avoiding eye contact while quickly swiping at his lower lids with the back of his hand.

No one said a word about it and Josh was ever so thankful for that.

"So.... Who's hungry?" Jake quickly said, addressing the group.

"Ooh! Me! I'm starving. That ceremony took forever!" Sam yelled loudly, his arm shooting up in the air.

"Yeah, well you better get used to it because you'll have to come to mine next year!" Danny laughed and clasped a large hand over Sam's shoulder before guiding him towards the exit as the others followed.

𓇢𓆸

After they ate, the family split off and went to their hotel to get ready for the graduation party which would be taking place that evening, and the brothers went to their house to begin preparing. Danny too had gone to their house to help with set up. Sam insisted on the twins taking a back seat to the process since they were the ones being celebrated. So, it was really just Danny and Sam who started cleaning up the house and setting up tables and chairs as well as putting decorations in the backyard.

"Do you think we should put some balloons in the pool?" Asked Sam as he tied off yet another black latex balloon before securing it onto the banner above the door.

"That would be cool. Might be kind of messy though if they pop and you have to pick rubber out of the grass." Danny answered while he arranged one of the tables outside where the cake was supposed to go.

"Wouldn't be my first time picking rubbers out of the grass." Sam giggled with a shameless grin on his face.

"Oh, ew dude. I do not need to hear what you and Lena get up to out here." He rolled his eyes and grabbed a few balloons out of the package to start blowing up.

"Oh come on. We both know that's probably the most exciting thing you've heard recently." Sam scoffed and tied off the balloon before walking over and tossing it into the water of the large above ground pool they'd set up, even though Jake had insisted it was way too early in the season for it.

"Excuse me?! What exactly do you mean by that?" He said as he regarded his best friend with a glare.

"Come on dude. It's been like three freaking years, and you haven't gotten laid once." Sam pointed out and grabbed another balloon from the bag to begin blowing it up as Danny gaped at him.

"You don't know that." Danny said defensively as he threw the tied balloon into the pool.

"Seriously? We're best friends Daniel. If you're not in school, at the frat house, or with me, you're hiding in your apartment all alone. What gives?" Sam threw his now inflated balloon in the pool and instead of grabbing another, he sat on the porch step and patted the concrete next to him.

Danny glared at him for a minute longer while he finished blowing up the balloon, tying it off before throwing it in the pool as well.

"You know what gives, Sammy." He grumbled, throwing himself down on the step next to his friend.

"Still?" Sam raised a brow as he waited for Danny to answer.

"Yeah. I feel like it's never going to go away." He looked off into the yard that was sprung to life with green grass and a small vegetable garden that Sam himself had planted, saying something about it being good for the psyche or whatever.

"So, you still...?"

"Love him? Yeah. I do. " Danny scratched the back of his head and continued to avoid Sam's gaze though he could feel it burning into his skull.

"So, every time he ... "

"Yeah. It sucks.” He interrupted. "But you know... I can't say he didn't exactly warn me that that's what he was going to do. So, it's like I can't even really be mad at him."

"Just because he told you, doesn't mean you don't have a right to your feelings. You can be mad, sad, whatever. I mean I know if I had to witness the person I loved sleeping with other people right in front of me I'd probably go nuts." Sam was using that voice again. The one that he'd developed in the last few years while working on his psych degree. The one where it's calm and empathetic. It nearly unnerved Danny because it worked too well.

"Well yeah. I mean it's definitely been hard. And I have tried, you know. But whenever someone tries to talk to me or ask me out I just ... I can't. I don't know, that probably doesn't make any sense and I'm just being stupid"

"You're not being stupid Daniel. You still hold a candle for him. But the thing is, how long are you going to keep holding that candle? Eventually it's going to melt down and burn you." Sam nudged him with his shoulder and Danny smiled a little bit.

"If I could just blow it out and move on I would. But I just... Can't." Danny explained.

"Well ... Have you tried talking to him again? Maybe see if things are different now?” Sam suggested.

"No Sam. We barely talk as is, and I don't really want to put myself out there again to get hurt you know? I already did that once. I don't think I can do it again." Danny finally turned and met Sam's eyes which were lit up like clover honey under the late afternoon sun.

"So, what you're saying is, you'd give it a chance if he was the one who made the first move?" Sam asked, again raising that manicured brow.

"I mean yeah. I absolutely would. But I really don't see that happening." Danny replied.

Sam hummed in response, and they sat quietly for a moment before the sound of a doorbell alerted them to the arrival of guests.

"Well. Come on then. We have entertaining to do!" Sam smiled as he got up from the steps and brushed off his pants before heading up to the back door. Danny nodded and followed him inside.

𓇢𓆸

A couple hours into the party, the house was full of friends and family alike. Members of the fraternity showed up with cases of beer and seltzers, a few girls from Lena's sorority accompanied her and even the Kiszka brother's next-door neighbor showed up, bearing gifts for the twins.

Sam and Lena, as well as a couple others, had braved the cool water of the pool which was still not quite up to comfortable temperatures but, due to a couple of beers and shots, they could hardly tell a difference.

The boy's parents were currently flipping through baby books of Jake and Josh while the twins feigned embarrassment and Ronnie cackled.

That left Danny back on the step in front of the porch watching it all unfold.

"Danny! Get in here! Stop being a stick in the mud!" Sam yelled, which caused the other pool goers to erupt into pleas for him to jump in.

Danny simply rolled his eyes and stood up before kicking off his shoes and pulling off the shirt he'd changed into. He hadn't exactly planned on swimming, but anyone who knew Sam knew that he always seemed to get his way. So, Danny threw the shirt down on top of his shoes and began making his way to the pool amid the cheers and whistles coming from the swimmers.

He climbed the pool ladder and was beginning to step down into the water when he looked up and caught Josh very obviously looking over his bare torso before realizing that Danny was looking at him and met his eyes with a blush. Danny raised a brow at him but continued to get into the water as Josh quickly looked away.

"Hey buddy! Finally! About time you joined the party." Sam hollered bounding through the water towards him, carrying Lena like a backpack.

"Yeah, yeah. I know. " Danny huffed as he struggled to adjust to the cool temperature of the water.

"Hey Danny! How are you?" Lena smiled wide at him and raked her eyes over his half naked body just as Josh had done moments ago.

Lena had become another staple around the Kiszka house as she and Sam officially began dating around Valentine's Day the year after the fraternity New Years bash. Danny didn't mind her. She was a pretty cool girl, if not a little ditzy and maybe a bit on the promiscuous side. But Danny didn't fault her for that.

"Hey Lena, I'm pretty good. Cold now, but it's fine. How about you?" Danny responded as he watched Sam swish her back and forth slowly in the water, making her giggle.

"Oh, I'm good. You know, just working on that music degree. Say, how did you do on the final in Professor Reynolds class?" She asked and the conversation evolved into the topic of finals and grades and plans for the following year. Sam pitched in here and there but mainly just listened to their conversation.

Once the topic was exhausted and the silence set in, Lena excused herself from them with the intention of helping herself to some of the food set out. Danny watched as Sam eyed her figure when she pulled herself up the ladder and over the pool wall, her tiny red string bikini leaving almost nothing to the imagination.

𓇢𓆸

Jake had just finished dressing up his hot dog with all his favorite toppings when he saw Lena walking across the yard towards him.

He had gotten to know her a little over the years of her dating Sam, but she always seemed to rub him the wrong way. She was just so over the top and he didn't know how to respond to it. He tried his best to avoid eye contact as she came closer, even picking up his hot dog and making it about three quarters of the way to his mouth before Lena was standing right next to him. A little too close for comfort. He took a half step back as her generous bosom bumped against his elbow and made him pause mid bite.

"Hey Jakey." she cooed as she continued to invade his space.

"Oh, uh... Hey Lena..." He responded quietly, sighing as he set his hot dog back on his plate and she engaged him in an unwanted conversation.

"How have you been? I haven't seen you around very much!" She continued on in that flirty high-pitched voice while wrapping a piece of her hair around her finger.

"Oh uhm... Fine. Yeah, I've just been busy you know. School and ... Stuff " He didn't want to be rude to her, but he really did not want to be small-talking when he hadn't eaten since breakfast.

"Oh? Stuff huh? Is that code for a girl you've been seeing? I'm sure it's not. I never see you with anyone." She boldly pointed out.

Now Jake was annoyed by her prying into his personal life.

"No, if you must know. But then again I'm not sure exactly how you would've seen me with anyone when you barely see anything besides the sheets of my brother's bed." Jake said coldly.

She blinked in surprise but quickly recovered with a shake of her head.

Jake heard a choked laugh that was covered by a fake cough from somewhere behind him, which is when he recalled that there was a man at the table making his plate just a short distance away.

"Oh my gosh! Are those barbecue chips? I love barbecue chips! " Lena said excitedly and before Jake could stop her she'd reached up, snagged a chip off his plate and popped it into her mouth with a smirk. The smirk quickly evolved into an expression of exaggerated pleasure.

"Oh my…Mmm… So good." She moaned louder than was necessary.

Jake felt his mouth drop in shock.

She finished the chip with a few more small groans and then looked at him seductively.

"That was amazing. Ugh, reminds me of going to the lake. I am so glad you guys set up the pool because it gave me a chance to wear this swimsuit. Isn't it SO cute?" She giggled as she posed for him, making her breasts jiggle and then squish together when she changed positions.

"Uh... Yeah... It's great." Jake responded awkwardly, looking up to meet Sam's eyes who was eyeing the situation curiously.

"Do you go to the lake, Jake?" Lena asked with her overly sugary voice.

"Yeah, of course. We used to go quite often actually. " He told her, again trying to be polite but looking anywhere but directly at her.

"We should go sometime!" She suggested.

"Oh yeah that could be fun. Get all of us together, Danny and Sam and-"

"No." She cut him off. " Just us. " She said again in that seductive voice as she got closer to him once more and placed her hand on the center of his chest.

"Uh... " Jake stammered as his brain flatlined and he struggled to find the words to respond to her through his utter shock.

It was then that he heard a plate get thrown to the table and footsteps come up behind him quickly.

"Girl... " Came a warning voice to Jake's left. "Don't you have a man? Why don't you go to him and stop harassing Jake who is clearly not interested."

Kit. Jake recognized the voice now as he turned towards the man in the sage green dress shirt with his ginger hair in a slightly messy, curly, cropped cut. One of his finely manicured brows was cocked and his arms were crossed firmly over his chest.

Lena scoffed and regarded the man with a scowl.

"And you are?" She said arrogantly, dropping her hand to Jake's relief.

"Kit. Jake’s neighbor, and you're Lena. A girl clearly barking up the wrong tree. Seeing as you're currently hitting on your boyfriend's brother. So go on. Shoo." He responded and waved his hand in her direction dismissively.

She groaned in annoyance, rolled her eyes, and turned to stomp away from them.

Jake sighed and looked back down to his plate. The stress of that conversation had made him lose his appetite completely.

"Ugh. Just repulsive." Kit sighed and rolled his eyes just as she had.

Jake looked up at him, nodding in agreement. "Thanks Kit. She just... Doesn't know when to stop." He grumbled and set his plate down on the table.

"That's obvious. Hey, are you okay Jake? You haven't even eaten any of that.” He said, eyeing the man's untouched food.

" Yeah, well… Welcome to my life. " Jake mumbled and looked off towards the pool where Danny was currently chatting with friends. It was then that he noticed Sam's absence and looked around the yard for him.

He soon found Sam and Lena in the throes of a heated argument with lots of hand motions on her part.

Kit followed Jake's line of sight and chuckled. "I guess he wasn't too happy about that. Had to happen sometime I suppose."

"Yeah, I guess. Just bad timing." Jake grumbled and distracted himself by observing Kit's face.

He'd seen Kit plenty of times in the years they'd lived in the house. But he had never really noticed how attractive he was before. With pale porcelain skin, rosebud-colored lips, and sparkly blue green eyes. His jawline was sharp and nose cute and upturned. He knew Kit to be a few years older than him. Already out of college and working as a Kindergarten teacher.

"Hey Jake?" Kit's voice snapped him out of his reverie and made him blink a couple times, realizing that he'd been staring.

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to get out of here? Maybe hit up IHOP or something?" He casually suggested.

Jake was a little surprised at the offer but one quick glance around the party and his mind was made up.

"Oh, hell yes." Jake beamed.

Kit smiled and reached over, taking Jake's hand in his own.

"Can I really leave my own party though?" He worried out loud.

"It's your party, you can leave if you want to!” Kit said in a singsong, playful way and pulled him towards the back door.

𓇢𓆸

The yelling steadily got louder until Lena was nearly screaming at Sam as he continued to talk to her with a calm demeanor though visibly upset.

The overall mood of the party had quickly shifted, and guests were beginning to gather their things and head for the door. Even the Kiszka's own family had given Josh their goodbyes and waved to Danny as he got out of the pool and dried off. As soon as they were gone, Danny realized that only he and Josh were left, besides the couple who were still currently going at it.

Danny looked around and saw that Josh had located a large trash bag and was starting to collect garbage and toss it in. He sighed quietly to himself before throwing his towel down on a chair and crossing the yard to where Josh was cleaning up. He grabbed half empty cans, dumping their remaining contents into the grass before crushing them in his hands. He’d gathered four or five before he approached Josh with them.

Josh saw him coming and held the bag open for him so he could throw them in. "Thanks. But you really don't have to help if you don't want to. You're a guest. "

Danny scoffed and started collecting more trash. "And it's your graduation party. So, I guess we're even." He gave him a shy smile and saw Josh return it apprehensively.

Together they cleaned up the yard, put the food away and broke down spare tables and chairs. At some point the yelling had stopped and Lena and Sam had gone into the house.

Josh sighed as silence filled the air "Thank goodness they're done. That was ridiculous."

"Yeah, they're definitely something else." Danny agreed as he plucked the balloons out of the pool and let the air out of them without causing a loud pop.

"So .... How have you been Danny? Is college treating you well?" Josh asked, grabbing the broom they used for the back porch and starting to sweep off the concrete.

"I'm good. College is great. I'm glad I decided to come. It's been a real adventure. I've learned a lot, experienced some stuff, and had a lot of fun." He responded, fishing yet another balloon out of the water.

" That's great. I'm so happy for you. I know Sam's been glad to have you around. Are you going to stay here after you graduate next year?" Josh continued sweeping the porch, keeping the conversation light.

"I don't know. It depends." He responded.

"On?" Josh inquired, halting his motions and turning to face Danny.

"If there's something worth staying for. Otherwise, there's a program that Jake and I have been looking at in Nashville that helps music majors find jobs in the industry. I might see if I can find a band to play with or an artist to support." Danny shrugged while he continued messing with the decorations.

There was a short moment of silence before Josh responded. "Oh. That's... Yeah. That's cool." He said slowly, looking down at his shoes.

Then finally Danny spoke up. "And you? What have you been up to?"

"Oh, you know. Same stuff. Glad to be done with school. Ready to actually get out there and start teaching some kids." Josh smiled up at him and then went back to sweeping the porch until it was nearly cleared.

Another long moment of silence in the freshly fallen night was broken by Danny's voice.

"So, Josh, did you get everything you wanted?" He asked, with extreme effort to keep his voice neutral.

Josh stopped again and looked up again to meet Danny's eyes with furrowed brows.

Danny prepared himself for the answer. Because if he said that yes, he in fact had. That would mean in Danny's mind that their ship had sailed and Josh had moved on. Left Danny completely behind in the pursuit of his own adventure. But if Josh said no? Well Danny wasn't sure exactly what that would mean.

Josh cleared his throat and looked off into the dark sky for a while before replying. "It wasn't all it was cracked up to be."

Danny met Josh's eyes with an expression of subdued surprise.

"Oh?" He inquired, curious to hear more from Josh in this first full conversation they'd had in years.

"Yeah. I-" he began but was quickly cut off by the sound of the back door opening and Sam stepping out onto the patio.

"Hey guys. What are we talking about?" Sam asked as he bounced down the stairs and approached them.

"Oh uhm, nothing much. I was just telling Josh that I think I'm going to head home now." Danny responded, reaching down to grab his discarded shirt from atop his shoes. Josh noticed that he grimaced as he picked it up. He saw Danny sigh, his head dropping in defeat. It was then that he noticed Danny's pallor and the blue twinge to his lips.

“Oh my god. Danny! Your lips are blue! Are you okay?” Josh dropped the broom and sprinted over to him, grabbing him by the face and forcing him to look up.

" Yeah, I'm just freaking cold, and my shirt is soaked.” He grumbled.

"Yeah... Sorry, I think that was Lena. You can borrow something from me?” Sam offered kindly.

Josh rolled his eyes and spoke up. "Come on Danny. I have something better.” He then turned to head in the house as Danny slid on his shoes and followed him inside.

Soon he found himself standing in the warm embrace that was Josh's room. He'd never been here before. Only seen glimpses as the door opened and closed. But he loved it. It felt like a genuine outward expression of the man in front of him who was currently rummaging through a pile of clothes on an antique wicker chair.

Danny took in all he could as he looked around. The room was bathed in the soft glow emanating from a few salt lamps and they illuminated various old movie posters framed on the walls and piles of books on all available surfaces. There were also a couple of very well taken care of plants by the window and a pretty backflow incense burner. The whole room smelled like a mixture of Nag Champa and cozy, earthy spices.

“Aha!" Josh announced as he pulled a shirt from the pile and held it up in victory. The garment was an off-white and had the name of an indie band emblazoned across the chest. Danny recognized it almost immediately.

“Is that…?” He questioned in disbelief, reaching out to take the fabric in his hands. The shirt was slightly more threadbare than when he'd last seen it, but it was still soft and in good condition though the design had faded some.

Josh looked a little nervous, if not kind of embarrassed as he nodded and quietly replied "Yeah”

"I wondered where this had gone. Why didn't you ever tell me you had it? I've been over here loads of times in the past three years Josh.” Danny inquired.

" Well... You left it here that morning after…yeah. I just… I don't know, held on to it. I guess I should have given it back before now. Sorry.” Josh scratched at the back of his neck and avoided eye contact with Danny, choosing to look at the floor instead.

Danny nodded and slipped the shirt over his head and sighed at the warmth of it. It smelled like Josh, and he found himself wondering how long that scent would last. He was about to speak when there was a light knock at the door.

Josh went to open it and the youngest of the brothers leaned against the frame looking at both of them curiously.

"You know, you're always welcome to stay here Daniel. There's a pull-out couch with your name on it." Sam smiled knowingly and Danny just rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I'm not doing that again okay? I'm going home. I'll see you guys later." Danny moved past Josh and gave him a small wave and a thanks before maneuvering around Sam and giving him a hug.

He walked across the living room around the aforementioned couch and pulled open the door, disappearing to the outside quickly.

They watched him leave silently and after the door closed Josh finally spoke up.

“So, is Lena gone?"

"Nah, she's asleep in my room." Sam replied, entering the room and taking a seat on the bed next to his brother.

Josh simply hummed in response. He knew chastising his brother for his choice in partners wouldn't help anything.

"So... You guys are talking again? You and Daniel?" Sam asked, leaning back on the bed and looking over at Josh.

"I mean we weren't ever not talking, really." Josh replied.

"Oh please, spare me. That's such bullshit and you know it. Did you forget I was there after you broke his heart, or?" He scoffed.

"I didn't do it on purpose okay!" Josh defended.

"Well, I know that. But you still did it, and bringing hookups around all the time didn't necessarily help matters either." It was obvious that Sam had no intention of letting him off the hook this time.

"Listen. I make no apologies for what I've done, okay? I did what I said I was going to do. I lived, I experienced, I grew. Danny gets that." He enforced, standing his ground.

"He might, yeah. But he still loves you. You know that don't you?" Sam asked rhetorically.

Josh's heart dropped when he realized that Sam didn't say "loved", he said "loves".

Danny loves him?

"I ... " Josh struggled to find the words to respond but Sam knew what he wanted to say.

"I know." He nodded.

"You do?"

"Well yeah. I mean we might not be twins, but I'm still your brother. I can read a room. I see how you look at him. You don't look at someone like that if you don't love them. Also you squirreled away that damn shirt for three years. Normal people don't do that." Sam gave a small smile and Josh nodded solemnly, confirming his assessment.

"How long?" He asked after a moment.

"A while. I mean I knew I liked him as more than a friend for a bit. But I didn't really realize that I... Love him .. until I saw him leaving the driveway on New Year's Day.” He breathed out before continuing, "But by then I'd already fucked everything up and decided I wanted the full college experience more than Danny and it was too late. The damage was done. " Josh confessed.

"It's not too late though." Sam encouraged.

"What do you mean?" He asked, confused and wondering what it was that Sam knew, and he didn't.

"Well, I think you need to try. If you still want this, then you need to be the one to instigate it this time. Pursue him.” the younger man advised.

Josh considered this for a moment before the realization struck him and he chuckled.

"You know it's funny that you're sitting in here giving me advice on my love life when yours is currently a shit show." Josh said with a raise of his brow and another sarcastic laugh.

" Wow, okay. I'm just trying to help. But whatever, you do you. " Sam said as he got up from the bed without another word and left the room, closing the door behind him.

Josh sat there a moment longer in the still silence listening to Sam's door close, and the loud giggles start.

He stood and quickly shed his clothes before climbing into his bed amongst the fluffy blankets. He then grabbed his phone from the side table and opened up the Instagram app where typed Danny's name into the search bar and smiled to himself when it came up and showed they were still mutuals.

He scrolled back to the last post he remembered seeing of Danny's and started going through them all slowly until he was caught up. He saw clips of him playing various instruments, sometimes even singing a cover. He took beautiful pictures of scenery and of plants and animals, each captioned with a lovely lyric from a song or a quote from a book or film.

He felt like he'd missed so much in just three years. How much more time did he really want to miss without Danny by his side? Maybe Sam was right. Maybe he should flip the script and be the pursuer this time.

He gave it a little more thought before he made up his mind.

He was going to fix this.

𓇢𓆸

It was early on Sunday morning when Josh was woken to loud raps on his bedroom door and his twin poking his head in.

"Hey, are you awake?" Jake asked as he observed Josh in his freshly woken state.

"Well, I am now. What do you want Jake?" He grumbled, throwing an arm over his eyes to try and hide from the sunlight.

Jake let out a little snort and came in the room completely, throwing himself down on the bed next to his brother.

"Well, you know Kit?" Jake asked, even though he knew that it was a stupid question.

"Yeah, I know Kit. Our neighbor that you snuck off with last night without even telling me hi, bye, or fuck you." Josh dramatically threw his arm off his eyes and across the pillow beside him.

"That's the one. Well, he asked me to go to the farmers market this morning and I really want to go." Jake said excitedly but Josh knew he was up to something.

"Okay? So, go. Why are you in here bugging me? I'm not mom, you don't have to ask me for permission."

"Well... I'm kind of nervous to go alone so I was wondering if you might come with me?" Jake asked with a hint of desperation as he chewed his bottom lip.

"Why don't you ask Sam and Lena to go with you?" Josh sighed as he sat up on his elbows and looked Jake in the eyes.

"Tried. They already have plans today, and Lena kind of freaks me out. Please Josh? You could even see if Danny could come along? Sam told me that you guys were talking again." Jake said and gave him a tiny smile.

"Did he now?" He asked, not surprised by his little brother's loose lips.

"Yeah, and if I know you. Which I do. You've finally pulled your head out of your ass and you're actually being his friend again.” Jake incorrectly assessed.

Josh sighed, but didn't correct him. "Yeah, okay, fine. I'll go. Let me send Danny a text to see if he's free."

Josh knew a wide smile had taken over Jake's face as he jumped up off the bed in victory.

"Yeah, yeah. Now get out of my room." Josh huffed as he grabbed his phone from his nightstand and turned over on his side, away from Jake.

𓇢𓆸

About an hour later Danny had joined them at their house and they were all sitting in the living room waiting for Kit to come to the door. Danny and Jake were on the couch while Josh sat on the recliner and flipped through the channels on TV. Currently Jake was looking through the curtains and out the window towards Kit's house.

"Jake, get away from the window. He's going to see you and think you're weird." Josh scolded him playfully.

Jake glared at him for a minute and then went back to looking out the window until he suddenly jumped up.

"He's walking over." He said, his voice shooting up an octave.

"Jeez Jake, calm down. I've never seen you so hyped up. It's freaking me out. " Danny remarked sarcastically as Jake gave him a death glare.

"Oh, shut up will you." Jake shot back while he paced back and forth.

"Do you have something you wish to tell us, Jake? " Josh asked with a grin.

Jake let out an annoyed groan that was cut off by a succession of sharp knocks at the front door.

There was a moment of silence before Josh spoke up.

"You uh... You gonna get that Jake? " he asked, watching Jake stare at the door.

"Right! Yes." Jake scrambled towards the door and threw it open to reveal Kit.

He had a sweet smile on his face and his eyes lit up as he took in Jake's flushed cheeks and wide eyes.

"Hey Jake. Are you guys ready to go?" He said in his charming cadence, a wide smile showing off his straight pearly teeth.

Jake struggled to find the words to respond as he took in Kit's appearance. He was dressed casually in a pair of loose light wash denim jeans, a white sleeveless muscle shirt with a light-colored striped button up over it and slightly hanging off one shoulder. The outfit was finished off with a pair of plain black and white converse.

Josh rolled his eyes and bounded up behind his twin.

"Yes, we're ready to go. Aren't we Jake?" He said, putting his hands on Jake's shoulders and shaking him slightly.

This snapped Jake out of his stupor, and he finally opened his mouth. "Yes! Yep. I'm ready. Let's go!" He waved over to Danny for him to follow and they headed outside.

Once they were out on the lawn and walking towards Kit's house, they noticed a car they didn't recognize in his driveway.

It was a beautiful classic muscle car from the late 60s or early 70s if Josh had to guess. Its light blue paint shimmering in the morning sun. Kit walked over to unlock the doors and push down the seat so Josh and Danny could climb in the back.

"Sorry, it's kind of a tight fit for you Danny." He said as he regarded Danny's long legs.

"It's cool. I'm used to it. This is a beautiful car. What is it?" He asked, buckling in.

"It's a 1966 Mustang Shelby GT350 convertible. It belonged to my grandfather. He left it to me when he passed." Kit said while he pulled the seat back up and got in as well.

Jake got in on the passenger side and also buckled in.

"How come we haven't seen it before? " Jake asked curiously.

"I usually keep it covered in the garage. Only really bring it out for special occasions. " He winked at Jake then put the key in the ignition and fired the car up. It growled to life and Josh felt chills shoot up his spine.

𓇢𓆸

When they arrived at the farmers market and were able to locate parking, they realized that these markets were much bigger than the ones back home in Frankenmuth.

There were a great variety of local vendors with their own tents and set ups on the lawn and there were also some bigger tents set up off to the side where it looked like they were having workshops.

Jake and Kit walked in front of them down the aisles of small shops and peeked into each one that they found of some interest.

Josh and Danny hadn't really said much to each other since Danny had arrived at the house, and even then, it was just small talk.

Josh cleared his throat and turned to look at Danny as they stopped behind their companions who were currently looking at a shop of small crochet animals of varying shapes and sizes.

"Thanks for coming today." Josh said, watching as Danny turned to look back at him.

"Oh, you're welcome. I've been here a few times before. It's really cool." Danny gave him a smile and went to go look at a plush animal in the shape of a possum.

"Oh yeah? You just come here alone? " Josh asked out of curiosity.

"Hmm? Oh, no. There's some girls from my classes that like to come out here and get stuff so sometimes I'd give them a ride and check things out." He picked up the animal and turned it over in his hand before putting it back down on the table and going to look at a different one.

"Oh, that's cool. Kind of like... A date? " Josh inquired quietly.

Danny's brows furrowed and he looked up at Josh. "Not really, no. Just doing a friend a favor."

Josh could have smacked himself in the face for that one.

They soon left the tiny shop after Kit had picked out a pink axolotl and purchased it. He placed it lovingly in his canvas tote bag that was slung over his shoulder and then they were strolling through the booths again.

The group didn't get far before Jake had them stopped at a leatherwork shop.

They perused the various goods, and Jake found a small wallet with an emblazoned moon on the cover that he seemingly couldn't live without. He paid cash for it and slipped it into his pocket.

When they left this booth Josh noted that Kit had slid his hand into Jake's and their fingers were now entwined between them as they walked. It made Josh smile as warmth flooded his chest.

"They're cute, aren't they?" Danny said just loud enough so that only Josh could hear him.

"So cute. Jake seems really taken with him." He replied, watching as Kit led his brother to a booth selling old fashioned sodas.

"He does. I hope things go well for them. Jake deserves to be happy. You both do." He stated as he continued to observe the couple while they ordered their drinks and Jake insisted on paying.

"He does. You do too, Danny." Josh pointed out.

Danny hummed in response and motioned towards the booth, indicating for Josh to order.

He ordered a black cherry soda and Danny ordered a sarsaparilla. Right as Josh was about to pull out his wallet, Danny slapped down a twenty-dollar bill. Once he received his change and shoved a tip in their jar, he handed Josh his drink and then grabbed his own and began sipping on it lightly.

"That's so good. How's yours?" Danny asked him.

"Delicious. Do you... Want to try it?"

"Sure! Here, you can try mine too. Warning, it's a bit of an acquired taste." Danny said as he handed over the drink and took Josh's from him.

They both sipped at each other's drink and then observed the opposite person's face for their reaction. Danny's expression was of delight, while Josh's was of utter disgust. He quickly swallowed the mouthful and then shoved the drink back into Danny's hands and took his own, slurping at it greedily.

Danny full belly laughed and threw his head back while Josh glared at him.

"That is horrible!" Josh complained and Danny tried to reign in his laughter.

When Josh finally got over his dramatic reaction to the drink he looked up and realized that Jake and Kit were gone from their sight.

"Well, I guess it's just us now." Danny shook his head.

"Yeah... Sorry." Said Josh, not really sure what exactly he was apologizing for.

"Why are you sorry? I don't mind spending time with you Josh. Come on, there's something over here that I think you might like." Danny smiled and turned around, heading in a different direction than they were initially going. Josh quickly caught up to him and walked by his side.

They passed a few booths selling fresh eggs, vegetables, fruits and honey as well as some selling handmade aprons and blankets. Eventually they ended up at the larger tents on the edge of the market where it looked like they were hosting crafting classes. Danny quickly walked up to the instructor and before Josh could interject, he pulled some cash from his wallet and handed it to the small girl who had faux elf ears and a circlet of intertwined leaves and flowers on her head. She nodded and reached behind her, grabbing a couple boxes and handed them to Danny. She pointed to the various tables with flowers, leaves, herbs, decorations, and charms on it. He watched Danny nod and then turn back to walk the short distance to him.

"Here." Danny handed him one of the boxes, Josh took it and looked over the box emblazoned with "crown kit" in permanent marker and the name of the small business on a sticker in the center.

"Uhm. Thank you? Danny what...?" Josh asked shyly and looked up at him through his lashes.

"I thought you might enjoy it. Come on. I think she's about to start the class." He gave Josh a cute smile and turned back to the tent, going to one of the unoccupied tables. Josh paused for a second while he took in the sweet gesture and then followed him inside to the table.

It turned out that the girl was a pretty good instructor and the instructions on how to make your own flower crown were pretty simple to follow.

Josh's crown was made up of desert sage, white daisies, and baby's breath. He'd barely paid attention to what Danny was doing with his own crown as he was so focused on putting together his own. When it was done it was a very pretty, but simple wreath that he hoped would naturally dry and stay together.

When he was finished, he turned towards Danny who was putting the finishing touches on his own crown. He observed the waxy green leaves arranged neatly into a circlet and the small golden accents.

"Danny, is that...?" He asked curiously.

"It's a laurel crown. I- I read that the Ancient Greeks used to wear them to signify triumph. I thought it might be kind of fitting for you since you know... You graduated a couple days ago." He said and then turned to place the crown around the back of Josh's head and situate it up over his ears.

"You made this... For me?" Josh said nervously as he reached up to touch the leaves.

"Yeah. I thought you’d like it." He smiled and took out his phone. "Can I?" He gestured to his phone as if asking if he could take a picture.

"Yeah. Only if I can have one of you too." Josh stood up on his tip toes and placed the crown he made on Danny's head and took a moment to situate it nicely amongst the man's much more defined and silky curls.

"There. Perfect." Josh smiled once he was done and back on the flats of his feet.

He stood back a bit and let Danny take a picture of him. Then he pulled out his own phone and snapped one of Danny too.

They showed each other their photos and giggled. Then the instructor announced the ending of the class, and they all began to pack up and head out of the tent.

They were quiet again as they walked together through the shops.

"Hey, do you want to grab some food and find a place to sit?" Danny asked, looking over at Josh who nodded happily in agreement.

They quickly found a stand selling burritos and ordered a couple. Once their food was in hand, they searched for an open space on the lawn to eat. They found themselves a large tree to sit under in the shade and enjoyed their burritos in silence.

"You know... I missed this." Josh said, not looking up from his food.

"Missed what?" Danny raised a brow and looked up at him.

"This. Us. You." Josh blushed suddenly realizing what he'd just said.

"I missed you too." Danny gave him a shy little smile and went back to eating.

"Hey Danny, do you uhm-"

Josh was cut off by the sound of Kit's voice yelling out to them as they approached. "Hey guys! We wondered where you had gone!"

Josh looked up and saw the couple approaching, still hand in hand but Kit's tote was significantly fuller, and Jake's cheeks were pink. He also sported a new bracelet around his wrist that Josh noticed immediately.

"Hey guys. Did you have fun?" Danny asked once they were close enough.

"Loads. Josh, your brother is so sweet. Look at these!" Kit said excitedly and reached into his tote and pulled out a small bouquet of colorful flowers wrapped up in brown butcher paper and twine. "He picked out all of the flowers himself!" He nearly squealed as he handed them over and Josh inspected it closely before letting Danny take a look.

"That's so cute Jake." Josh said as he looked up to his twin whose cheeks were now turning more crimson.

Jake grumbled a thanks and scratched the back of his head. Kit took the flowers back and placed them in his tote carefully.

"So, are you guys ready to go, or was there more you wanted to see?" Kit asked them both.

"I'm ready if you are." Josh said to Danny though he really wished he had more time with him.

"Yeah, I'm good." Danny replied and he stood up and reached a hand out to help pull Josh to his feet. Once they were both standing, Josh didn't let go of Danny's hand. Choosing instead to hold on to it and give it a light reassuring squeeze.

Danny's brows furrowed a little as he looked from their hands to Josh's face, but he said nothing. Josh smiled and then looked over to Kit who was currently observing Jake's profile. He changed his gaze to look at his brother who was staring him down with burning eyes and a clenched jaw.

Josh thought it was a little strange, but he pushed the thought to the back of his mind and followed when Kit pulled Jake in the direction of the parking lot.

𓇢𓆸

When they arrived back at Kit's house, Danny and Josh said goodbye quickly and headed over to Danny's car while Jake said his goodbyes.

They watched the two interact as Kit pulled his bag of farmers market items from the trunk and then shut it. Kit stood with the bag slung over his shoulder and leaned against the car. They were clearly talking but neither Josh nor Danny could hear what they were saying.

Finally, they saw Jake reach for Kit's hand with his own. He cradled it gently before bringing the man's hand to his lips. The kiss lasted just a couple seconds before Jake looked back up at Kit through his lashes and said his final goodbye and then walked toward their house. He waved goodbye to Danny and headed inside.

Josh turned his attention back to Danny once Jake was gone.

"Thank you for coming today. It was really good to spend time with you again." He told him.

"Of course. It was really fun. Don't forget to hang that crown so it dries properly." Danny smiled and touched the leaves of the crown with his fingertips.

"I won't. Do you think maybe we could do this again sometime? Just us?" Josh asked, even though his voice cracked with nerves.

"Go to the farmers market?"

"Well sure, but I meant just... Hang out. The two of us." He had to really pull all his confidence when he said it as the fear of rejection looked over him like a cloud threatening rain.

Danny was quiet for a moment as he looked over Josh's face with surprise.

"I'd like that." He finally said, giving Josh a smile.

"Great! I'll text you?" Josh offered, giddiness filling his chest as the metaphorical rain cloud disappeared.

"Sounds good. See you later Josh. " Danny pulled open the door to his car, climbed in and started it up. He looked up at Josh and gave him a wink then pulled the door shut.

Josh walked over to the sidewalk and waved as he pulled onto the street and drove away.

𓇢𓆸

Taglist: @gracev0609

Let me know if you'd like to be added :)

[eedenuwu]

oc-tober | my first few days

hello tumbo ler. i am kinda doing oc-tober this year, kinda not. i know my schedule (busy, hectic, hell) but i also know i like to procrastinate (these 3 pieces have consumed time that would've been better used for homework).

so, i'm gonna jump into it... the other 2 drawings and more info will be below the cut

day 1 | favorite oc

ok so i started off strong here... by that i mean i started with day 1!!! (on october 5). this is my favorite ever. i have never really info dumped about this one on the internet before... was gonna use this as a time to start but then deleted what i just wrote LOLL all u gotta know is that bro is stunning witterawy just look. also this oc is from the 1920s/30s/40s... most of the story i've got in my head takes place in the 30s tho 😻

day 5 | redesigned oc

see this is what i mean. i skipped from day 1 to day 5.. but this is an oc i made when i was like 12 (WAY TOO CLOSE TO 10 YEARS AGO) and he was an angsty little bugger... it used to be the case that he was a witch living on his own in a village that, like, hates him or whatever. (because he's a witch.) the townsfolk like rip his tongue out or whatever and then he couldn't speak anymore but still ran like some sort of fruit stand at some sort of market. then like the love of his life moved in and he lived happily ever after. (not true, the love of his life was a BOY so i think they both got killed.)

and wow!!! that's a lot for a 12/13 year old. i came across an OLDDD google doc that had a little bit about this guy in it. the story, as anything written by a 12/13yo, made like. extremely little sense.

so i redesigned bro in about 2022ish. gave him a name, and he's still a witch. he's still missing a tongue. the differences now include that he's AFAB, has a little friend in his head only (pictured. he is cursed) and has a twin brother now. his twin brother works as a knight and like... captured him for an insane bounty. i also gave him a little bit of plot armor... he's some sort of telepath now so he's able to get by without a tongue. instead of straight up fantasy ville, i've been doing a little research into the middle ages to figure out a more, like, realistic setting... as realistic as including supernatural things can be but believe me the story is making a lot more sense now than it did in 2015.

day 3 | old oc

so i drew this today. yes these are in order of when i drew them...

anyway in terms of when i made this one, he's not THAT old. he's a product of my highschool mind and appeared on MANY assignments as doodles.. so he was like, essentially, born in about 2016/17, but i consider him old because i haven't so much as thought about him since like 2020, MAYBEEE early 2021.

this is also making me realize i have a thing for FREAKS. every one of these ocs has something about them that makes them "less than human;" this guy's deal is that he's like.. half fish..

it sounded really cool in 2017 you have to understand this was the vibe of the time

anyway he essentially got scrapped for no better reason than i was just getting bored. like, the story i was developing for bro ALSO took place in the 1920s (dude let me tell u. prohibition era america is actually my roman empire. genuinely in every sense of the real meaning of that trend) but it was diverging too far from reality and sort of becoming an atla knockoff toward the end of my thoughts for it... so then bro at the top was born (girl on day 1) in august 2021 and the rest for this guy was history. such is the damning reality of the creative.

anyway, that's all. i have no idea if i'll keep this up, but some of the prompts have genuinely given me ideas to cure my art block (I HAVE NOT DRAWN SINCE JULYYYYY) so i'm hoping to have time for more 🥲

[itsoutrageouss]

Like a bellflower - chapter two

chapter two of like a bellflower, a Joel Miller x Fem!Oc fanfiction

warnings: blood, violence, clickers, typical tlou things

words: 2,4k

Story taglist // chapter one

2. No ammo, no sleep

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The soles of my feet were aching. We hadn’t spoken since he gave me his name. I tested it wordlessly on my tongue, joel, joel joel. Lot of tongue work in the name. As we walked, the sun baked over os, glaring peacefully at the destroyed land around us. The suburb houses with vines snaking over the woodwork, a firefly mark on one of them, I noted. 

Joel didn’t stop, or talk so I didn't either. I hadn’t felt this kind of peace in a while, I noted. Since that day, that damned day when Kade found me, nothing but terror had reigned in my body. It still did, creeping and simmering in the backbones of my body, under the waves it bubbled but I left it undisturbed for the time. 

As we moved, I thought it more and more ridiculous that the horse wasn’t used to carry at least one of us- I understood fully that it's a lovely companion to have just in itself but in today's world survival and practicality came first, and anything could be used as something it wasn’t. And I knew for a fact that horses were often used to carry people. 

I think Joel saw it in my face, when he from time to time looked over the horse to make sure I was still there, and saw my envious glare on the bag that was strapped over the horse. He too didn’t say anything. I felt like I was playing a game with him. Maybe if I lost and talked first he’d leave me on the roadside and ride off. Just the thought made a rush of anxiety shoot up my throat and into my mouth, my teeth clenching down hard on nothing. 

I think hours went by. I put a hand on the warm, moving body of the chestnut horse and closed my eyes, letting it lead me forward. I imagined I was back in Spain. Lovely, warm Spain with the orange trees and the stone courtyards. The sun was the same that had shone on my child-self in the rural part of the country, as well as in the city, when it would peak through church bells swinging back and forth. Sometimes I wondered, if we hadn’t gone back to the US for those couple of months -we pendled back and forth between America and Spain ever since i was born- life would’ve been different. My dad loved Spain more than anything- he would’ve gotten around better than we did here. But of course, doing a worldwide pandemic no flight would take us back. Now I knew I would never get to see the beauty of it again, and I didn't dare think of how it looked now; drowned in the dust of ruin and violence. I imagined the entire country had been enveloped by an impenetrable bubble. Everything there would be the same, spanish men with tan skin and loud laughs, nuns with kind smiles, dusty cats snaking around your ankles in the plazas. 

“Belle?” Joel's gruff voice shook me from my daydream, and I realized that my eyes had been closed the entire time. When i opened them again, joel was in front of me, blocking the bright sun that now shimmered around his shadow like he was an angel. 

“Hm?” 

“If you’re needing anything, now is the time to stock up,” he said, moving out of the way. We were at the foot of a bigger city. The kind with skyscrapers that had cracked halfway down like an old tree in a storm. The kind where plants had overgrown over every surface. Despite everything, the plants thrived and looked more beautiful than when us humans had control over the world. Now we felt like subjects to nature again. 

“Okay.” I needed ammo. I actually didn’t have any left. When I had pointed my gun at Joel, it was as empty a promise as it could be. All I could've done was throw it at him really hard. Maybe he knew. 

“You need ammo,” he said bluntly and started walking. Yes, he definitely knew. I sighed. An old convenience store snaked around the first corner we came to. The windows had been smashed and it looked dark and wet inside. This city might be infected by thousands, I thought. I pulled out a little knife from my belt. 

“Behind me,” Joel ordered, and his broad shoulder obstructed my view, his hands up and steady around his gun, back held tightly in suspense as we opened the door. Strangely enough, the little bell still worked and rang loudly as Joel opened the door. We were greeted, unluckily. A hoarse, broken sound of something once human screeched out as soon as we stepped inside. 

“Hide,'' Joel hissed, pushing me to the side behind an old rack of magazines. I nearly slipped on the dirty tile floor, wet with mud and blood and footprints. I snaked along the isles and pressed up against the corner. Joel was ahead, peering out behind the magazines. Clicking noises. They made shivers dance up my spine and I had to stop my body from crawling in on itself. On my left, between the back wall and an old produce aisle, I heard a low snarl and a click click click. Those noises were impossible for any human to make, ear piercing even when whispered. 

Joel moved swiftly and I whipped my head around to see him charge forward and out of my sight. If he didn’t know about the second clicker, it would come at him unprepared when the other would howl into its death. And I couldn’t tell him. I clutched the knife until the bones in my hand shook and left footsteps of mud as I ran the other way from Joel. I didn’t have time to strategise, or sneak because I heard the roar of the other clicker. It was like the sound activated something in me because I hurled onto the other clicker, stabbing with all my might into the stringy, meaty neck of the monster. The feel of the knife penetrating through flesh ripped through my hand, but I did it again. And again. Its arms flailed out trying to pry me off by scratching along my legs. Being clamored to such a nasty creature made me want to run; fast, hard and far. Instead I stabbed it over and over wherever the knife would hit, hoping it wouldn’t tear my own skin on accident. A pair of very human hands grabbed the creature's head and flung it to the ground, shaking me off simultaneously. I fell flat on my ass while Joel put one last stab in its back and the sounds died out with a painful wheeze. 

The palms of my hands burned where they had scraped the ground, blood mixing with mud. 

“Are you okay?” Joel asked, his gun pointed to the ground, though he still held it tight to his body, peering out the broken glass and into the backrooms of the kiosk. I reached up, and to my surprise tears were warm on my cheeks again. I really had to stop crying so much. I nodded and went to stand up. My bones had seemed to liquify and I might've fallen into a puddle, like spilled ice cream if I tried moving. 

I was so tired. My body had been on high alert ever since- ever since I killed all those people, and Kane found me on the ground. At that moment I hated that I didn’t have any bullets. He thought I was dead, but I scattered like a mouse when he tried to ransack me for stuff. I surrendered fully to him and his group- the only people around me that hadn’t died. 

“Hey! Are you hurt?” Joel asked, louder and seemingly annoyed at my lack of response. 

“No.” I didn’t have any wounds, at least. With a slipping grip I held onto the aisle shelves and dragged my skeleton up. A handprint of dark blood was left on the white, shiny metal. I didn’t want to look at it, and didn’t want to know how I looked, splattered in blood and tears. I bet my hair was all messed up. I liked to be clean in this unsanitary world but found it increasingly harder as time went by to uphold the same face and delicacy as before. My personal battle with the world; I was a restorer of softness in a place where everything was dirty and old. It was an art I felt everyone around me had left behind- the small joys and beauties of caring for yourself. Nice smells, blooming flowers, red cheeks. 

I started, realizing I was just standing, with no purpose or expression. Joel was growing impatient and I picked up my knife, sheathed it after cleaning it thoroughly. 

Joel had already moved along into the next room. 

“You needed ammo?” he asked, muffled behind walls. I puffed up my chest and willed my feet to move. The room was dark and humid. His back was turned to me, broad and bending over crates. 

I didn’t want more ammo, truth be told. “Yes. I don’t have any at all, actually.”

“What gun do you have?” he was rummaging still, pulling things out and placing them in a bag. I didn’t know.

“This one,” I muttered, fishing it out and holding it flat in my palm, balancing it carefully without touching it. The blood on my hands was staining and creasing in the lines of my palm. 

He only took a look at it before turning back around. I went to put the pack of ammo into my bag. The cardboard was wet and the bullets nearly fell from the absolving encasement. 

“You’re supposed to put them in the gun, you know?” Joel said with a brow raised. The scarce hint of amusement and sarcasm was the most emotion he’d expressed in the last 8 hours of knowing each other. It made me nervous, i felt ridiculous because obviously they were going in the gun but i'd rather put it off. I fumbled and the cardboard fell apart beneath my fingertips and bullets scattered onto the tiles, clanging loudly. Joel raised a hand to silence me, looking around. There was a pregnant pause. No clickers. 

I fell to the floor and picked the bullets up one by one, putting them into the holster with gritted teeth. Now it was done. No one said I had to use it just because it was loaded, though that was probably what was expected of me. Joel kept looking at me as if he was trying to figure something out. I didn’t want him to figure anything out so I headed back out into the sun. I felt his eyes following me, and once again I hid behind the horse. The trusty, big horse that divided us. I felt the muscles of its stomach contract under my palm as I smoothed along its side where the sun had hit. It felt the dust that clung to its coat, sweeping it off meticulously until the chestnut brown shone brightly. 

“What’s your name pretty?”  I asked sweetly, feeling the unmatched softness of a horse's mule. It breathed warm air onto the bare skin of my arm, bowing its head like a greeting to me. Whatever was on Joel's mind, he seemed to have dropped it when he came back.

“Doesn’t have one.” Instead of shying away on the other side of the animal, he stood in front of me, a hand held out waitingly. I screwed up my face in confusion. Did he want me to shake his hand? Give him something?

“You can barely walk straight.” he replied to my silent question. I felt grateful, but I didn’t want him to know that my feet were dying. I wasn’t going to be a bother to him already, especially not if he would start pulling me on the horse like a kid.

“That’s okay, I don’t mind walking,” I smiled, but I couldn't make it reach my eyes. I remember my dad would pull the horse along when we had wandered for nearly two days. I'd lay on its thick neck, watching the trees stroll past with half-lidded eyes. Someone stole our horse, though. 

“You follow my rules when you’re with me. We’re riding.” He unbound the horse and got up himself, scooting forward so I could sit behind him. With some awkward difficulty, grabbing Joel's jacket to pull myself up and almost pulling him down, I got up. The horse was big and spacious enough to leave some room between us. My legs tingled with exhaustion; felt light like when you took off a heavy backpack and I fought not to lean forward for something to rest on. I felt the strong body move underneath my legs, shifting us side to side as we rode slowly forward. The sun filtered in and out between the trees as we rode through the city. I peered up at the broken skyscrapers, plants blossoming out of its cracks like the kraken attacking a pirate ship. The horse rocked me like a crib, and with the steady rhythm of hooves, my spine curled more and more. Eventually my head knocked against Joel's back every few minutes. I only took in the world around me in abstract terms, like an art museum. Colors, shapes, sounds, fading in and out of reality. I didn’t even realize when the hooves stopped lulling me to sleep. 

“C’mon, scoot,” Joel suddenly wasn’t in front of me, and I nearly fell forward, catching myself on the broad horseback just in time with frail arms. I dragged myself forward drowsily by his command until my hands could reach the thick, warm neck. I felt Joel behind me, his arms encasing my sides as he grabbed the toils again. His legs squeezed the sides of mine to keep me falling. I tried to start myself awake somehow, tried grabbing the toils or lifting my neck that was impossibly heavy like lead. 

“Just go to sleep,” Joel's voice was soothing and low, and I'd barely registered his words before I fell backwards into him, head lolling against his shoulder. He didn’t move and I dozed off in a matter of seconds, but not before a little, warm tear rolled down my cheek. I hadn’t felt safe going to sleep for years before now.

✿✿✿

taglist:

@orcasoul @ashhlsstuff @rav3n-pascal22 @anyalc0h0lic @morgaussy @joelmillersblog @frecklefacelm @leqonsluv3r @jasminmariesworld @ilovemybrown-eyedbabygirl @dugiioh

[radishthespringchild]

So what with me restarting my one of every fish pond farm I thought I'd make a profile for the character behind it again and post it here for anyone who might give a hoot.

So I named him Jack since I remember reading somewhere at some point that the fandom called the Player Characters who weren't Self-Inserts Jack and Jill because I call this character the "Old Man" as a reference to another OC of mine. So if I'm wrong in that regards, let me know ^^; Anyway. Jack is sort of a representation of me, but not entirely. The idea for this character is that he's an older "farmer" instead of the usual young adult you see in game or through most of the fandom (no shade or anything just pointing it out) plus it really represents me since I'm not a young "man" anymore (mid-thirties isn't old, but it's not young either, if you will >v>;). I also liked the idea of the "farmer" coming in and all of the marriage candidates falling head-over-heels for him and him having none of that lol! That's just me sort of poking fun at how you have 12 marriage options but deciding to not go for one of them. This character is fishing focused because once I got over the initial hatred and struggling of fishing I realized I love it a lot and was inspired by a Turin's Napoleon's Fishing Farm to make an entire farm with ALL fishing ponds (this was when they were first introduced) and I had in fact achieved that but eventually deleted that farm, but with the 1.6.9 update I wanted to retry that since Fishing got a massive boost! Also, the "farm" that Jack lives on is the Beach Farm since it has plenty of space for the tons of fishing ponds (unlike the River Farm) as well as I'm not totally invested in actual farming (will get high enough for maybe get Preserve Jars or even to maybe get the extra % for Smoked Fish) as well as wanted to be able to fish on the farm. It's called Sea Glass Farm. The back story behind the farm is that Jack's Grandpa used to produce a lot of quality fish, smoked fish, ingredients, and some of the finest roe and caviar but Grandpa eventually got old and sick and passed on so it was up to Jack to take over and bring Sea Glass Farm and its brand back to life! Along the way he befriended Willy since they have a shared love of fishing as well as do business together. Jack has a soft spot for elderly people so he of course had a fast friendship with Evelyn (George and him eventually grow close). Gus was easy to click with since Jack was almost always up at the Stardrop Saloon having a drink with Willy (and to extension Clint) as well as getting a lot of his meals there. And befriending Kent just kind of happened since Kent is a man of few words who just happened to hang out around one of Jack's fishing spots and they ended up bonding. So let's talk about Jack's loathing of Lewis. Jack was never fond of Lewis to begin with. He's kind of fake and two-faced, doesn't like the way he treats Marnie (she's so sweet!), and doesn't like the way he mismanages Pelican Town as well as how he keeps imposing every Yoba damned festival on a poor introverted Jack! Everything came to a head at the annual Flower Dance. Lewis knows that every single/unmarried/not dating people in Pelican Town is smitten with Jack and he really wanted to pair up the beloved farmer with someone for the Flower Dance, much to everyone's hope, envy, and jealousy! On top of Jack being introverted, he hates unwanted attention especially in public spaces, and the thought of dancing in front of the whole Yoba damned town was horrifying!! So when Lewis came over being extra pushy and not taking no for an answer... well Jack verbally laid into him! It was ugly and Lewis was beyond embarrassed and pissed! And by the end of it there was screaming, choice words, and some colorful language and Jack pretty much bounced out afterwards because his rage was spiraling and the last thing he need to do was sock Lewis in the face! (He eventually simmered down at home with his roommate Krobus who wanted to learn about dancing and Jack has some complicated feelings now, but that's not important!).

Since then the two have avoided each other with Lewis being awfully passive aggressive about it. It was definitely the hot topic of the town for weeks (much to Jodi and Caroline's pleasure lol)! So if you see Jack and Lewis conversing, it's probably for legal reasons or something important and not because they want to. Jack also isn't fond of Pierre since he's two-faced, greedy, and has tried to make claim over Jack's product (actually fighting happened that day!) so he avoids making business with him as much as possible! Clint gets on his nerves, but he's learned to put up with him as well as he's gotten to know him better. Jack and George have exchanged heated words with there coming a mutual respect for each other from it as well as playful verbal jabbing at the other. Jack has complicated feelings about Pam with them either bickering or getting along with there being no in-between. Also thinks the local wizard is rude and annoying. If Jack isn't spending his time fishing and maintaining the Sea Glass business then he can be seen lumber-jacking with Robin or helping out the Adventure's Guild with monsters in the mines or other places. Also is working with Demetrius to build a recycling system for all the trash that keeps popping up in the local water. Jack is helpful and kind, but can be quite cantankerous, especially if his social battery starts running low.

[serpercival]

@goofo is truly my number one enabler so let's talk about the OC I've quickly gotten unbearably tender about in the foxtrapverse. I had a five hour drive yesterday by myself so I was rambling about him in voice notes in the group chat and got so attached so quickly.

As Trapper, Hawkeye, and BJ establish themselves in the San Fran medical community, everyone starts referring curse patients to them, sometimes because those doctors don't want to deal with those cases or because they know that anyone associated with Trapper is going to be kind and polite in a way some other doctors might not be.

One day, a few months after JT starts kindergarten, a mom brings in her kid—Jesse—who's newly cursed. He's the same age as JT.

He's also a red fox.

His is temporary. Trapper takes a look at the test results and it seems like Jesse's curse is going to last about a decade, maybe a little bit more. Long-term, but not permanent.

Trapper remembers how lonely his own childhood was. JT's made friends, but Trapper had friends when he was in elementary school, too. It took a little while for kids to adopt their parents' ideals and start being scared of him.

He pulls some strings, talks to Jesse's mom, and they start setting up playdates. Jesse and JT get along absolutely fantastically. They have a built in connection and can communicate in a way they can't with anybody else.

The next year, they're at the same school. They spend damn near all their time together. JT's got a little bit of a crush, but Jesse's never shown any interest in guys, so he leaves it alone. And because Jesse's is temporary, he doesn't get the heat (but does get a little bit worked up during February), so JT doesn't even have "we can go through it together." They have a few other friends through high school, but mostly, they're leaning on each other.

A month or so into senior year, Jesse's curse finally wears off. And god, the grief of that. It's all he remembers, and suddenly he's missing pieces of himself. He can't understand when JT speaks in fox anymore. His senses are so much worse. God, he misses his tail! He took a lot of pride in keeping his fur nice, and now... what the hell is he supposed to do?

He desperately wants to stay friends with JT, but it's hard. Every time he looks at JT, he remembers what he lost. And... people treat him differently, now. They smile back at him. A couple of girls flirt back.

So they drift apart. They're both mourning so much and they want each other back, but they don't know how to start forging that connection again. By the end of the year they don't even acknowledge each other in the halls.

At graduation, they say goodbye.

JT's sure he's never going to see him again.

Nearly a decade later, JT's interning at San Francisco Memorial, and Jesse comes into the emergency room after a car crash. JT begs Stan to put him on the case, and Stan agrees before anyone who knows the whole story can warn him against it.

JT's the one there when Jesse wakes up after surgery.

It's awkward, at first. They have the kind of conversation you have with someone when you don't know them anymore. Jesse teases JT for taking after his old man, JT asks Jesse what the hell he's doing with himself these days..

And then JT slips, and he says Jesse's name in fox, and every old ache comes flooding back.

Jesse apologizes for how things ended. He's thought about him... god, three times a week, minimum, for the past eight years. He still sits down weird, like he's going to sit on his tail if he's not careful. And he could have died without ever seeing him again! He's never had another friend he was so close to. He wants that back. He was so scared, in high school, and the idea of being Normal was so alluring, that he pulled back.

But it doesn't have to be like that anymore.

They start hanging out again. It's, again, awkward at first, but Jesse's trying this time. Once a week, when JT has the time in his schedule, he'll go over to Jesse's apartment, they'll have dinner and play a board game and talk about their weeks, and... JT starts to remember how bad his crush was. He can't hide the interested body language, this time around, and he can tell that Jesse can still read it like a book.

But Jesse doesn't tell him to stop.

So JT starts assuming they're dates.

A few weeks before Christmas, JT asks Jesse if he wants to come over for the holiday. When Jesse agrees... JT kisses him. Just on the cheek. Chaste. but Jesse still shies away.

JT assumes he's fucked everything up again. He figures he's never going to see him again, again, and tries to cut ties first.

When JT doesn't show up for their weekly hangout, Jesse calls him asking him where the hell he is.

So he goes.

Jesse kisses him back the second he's through the door.

"I'm sorry," he says, sliding his hands into JT's. "This is... new, for me."

JT squeezes his hands back. "Yeah, well. As long as you let me stick around through the new stuff, this time."

[winniethewife]

Eclipsing Love

(Marc Spector x Mafia!OC)

Last chapter ~ Next chapter

Chapter 14: Freedom

Words: 831

Charlotte had never felt so free in all of her life, as her motorcycle sped down the road, the feeling of the wind against them and Marc’s arms around her holding on as they fly down the interstate. Finally far away from everything she had been trying to escape for years, finally free from the restraints of the life she had tried so hard to get away from for all these years. It almost didn’t feel real. As they made their way east on I-90 she thought back to the week prior.

~

They had to decide what was the best way to get out of power was, Something that would also hopefully lead to the total destruction of the Walker Family. Charlotte and Marc had made sure that their disappearance would be seamless, Identifying paper work for Chattie Bryne and Steven Grant was acquired, a bank account in London under was opened in Steven’s Name, a flat was purchased under Marc’s mothers name, everything was set, all that was left to do was leave. Charlotte informed her inner circle that she and Marc were going to be taking the weekend off to go flying up north, where they would conveniently find her plane abandoned in Ontario, and there wouldn’t be a trace of either her or Marc.

“You ready?” He had asked as they stood in the office one last time. Charlotte held onto the small bag of the few belongings she couldn’t part from, a Damascus blade with a white handle, A photo from a happier time, and a statuette of a moon deity set on justice. She turns to look at him, and for the first time in a long time she had hope glittering in her eyes.

“Let’s get out of here.” She smirked and walked passed him, brushing her shoulder against his as she walked out of the room, leaving the woman she once was in the room behind her.

~

After they had left Chicago they didn’t stop until they had made it to Boston, Where Marc had made arrangements with some old contacts to make the transition as seamless as possible.

“Lets go over the story one more time.” He said as he straightened his tie in the mirror of the worn down motel they had booked a stay at. Charlotte looked up at him and rolled her eyes playfully.

“Alright, I’m Chattie Bryne, I have a degree from Oxford in Linguistics, I’m from Rockford Illinois, when I went to Oxford to study I met you, Steven grant. We were State side visiting my family and you surprised me by proposing to me, and we’re going back to England to start our lives together.” She recited the Story again, as she pulled down the forest green argyle sweater that she had purchased to replace her usual turtleneck. “Are you sure Steven can handle this? Lying isn’t exactly his forte.” She off handedly commented. Marc was suddenly very aware of a glare from the mirror.

“He’s upset you don’t think he can handle a little story telling. As he puts it.” Marc said with a smirk before walking over to her side. “Have a little faith in him Baby. He wants this to work as much as you and I do.” He said as he gently pressed a kiss to her forehead wrapping his arms around her. She sighed leaning into his gentle embrace.

“I know, I know I just…It’s a lot. And there’s a whole lot of silence on one end of all this.” She muttered glancing upward. Khonshu’s recent vow of silence had not exactly been unwelcome but had put both of them on edge for most of the last month of planning this.

“Never thought I’d be hoping for the damn bird to talk to us. Not after everything he put us through” He said with a sigh, he looked down at her a smirk playing on his lips. “Definitely too much to hope that he’s gone and we’re actually free from him right?”

“Oh yeah, Freedom doesn’t come that cheap.” She chuckled in return pressing a kiss to his cheek before she made her way over to grab their bags. When she turned back Marc has mussed up his perfectly slicked back hair so his curls where more prevalent. This new look was something they would both have to get used to. This new life, their freedom was something they couldn’t risk. Marc grabbed the suitcases and mentioned going to put them in the rental car. Charlotte stood in the door way and took one more look back to get a glance in the mirror, looking at the woman who stood there. Her past looked back at her the criminal overlord, the mob princess with nothing left to loose, a woman who just wanted what was best for her daughter, the young girl who just wanted to clean the blood off her hands, Only time would tell who she would become.

~

Masterlist

Tag: @ominoose @silvernight-m @boredzillenial @queerponcho @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction

[itisme-rosie]

-- together again; takes place before the canon events of the show. you left switzerland and by extension, beatrice, but you're back now.

cw: hurt(ish?)-comfort!! written with female!reader in mind; mentions of death / loss (unmentioned character); religious themes; reader with a family like lilith's but less intense

[ if i don't watch the last episode, warrior nun hasn't ended yet 🤩 ]

masterlist | rules

i had always known i loved to live.

it was the little disasters of the outside world - a sudden downpour of rain after a hot summer day, a damned dip in the ground i didn't notice when i was skipping down a sidewalk that had me sprawling to the ground and scraping my knee - now those moments made me feel alive, telling me about the world and beyond more than the 'spiritual journey' going on inside the school haunted by its mundane nature of routines and rules could ever teach me.

i don't think i had meant to leave at first. as much as i didn't love it there, i sort of came to terms with the fact that i'd never ever be allowed to leave - my parents were initially very firm about keeping me in there to train and eventually join the legacy the rest of the women of my family began by stepping into the OCS. until they weren't.

i don't remember much of the day i had left. i had gone to sleep after beatrice knocked on my door to greet me with a happy birthday and the next thing i know, i had been woken up and whisked away, and the OCS - the church in general, as a matter of fact, just wasn't that important to my family anymore. too much sacrifice, too much loss; i didn't need to be another notch on a board of how much we gave up.

all connection, anything that linked back to the church had been severed and i never saw them again, not even during the funeral during the week that followed (i just knew it was them who had knocked on the door, i had never heard my father sound so angry). i may have regained a bond with my family, but in doing so, i left behind the family i made for myself. i left bea. by the time i was old enough to go looking for her, beatrice wasn't where i left her.

which brings me to now.

the littler version of me would be baffled. here i was, standing in front of a convent in spain of all places - the only reason i should be in spain right now should be for a vacation for crying out loud, there wasn't any good reason for me to find myself in a place associated with a time in my life i had been trying to avoid for years.

but here i was, despite how much i vehemently argued with my parents of how 'religion and faith were and have never been my strongest suits', protesting a fate where i could potential lose myself, my identity, my life at such a young age. my mother would lament about how i had come 'round a full circle, right back in the steps of a life i was trying to escape. i would have agreed with her had i not come here on a very specific mission not even vaguely connected to re-joining the ministry.

after thanking and paying the elderly cab driver that, to the best of his abilities, told me stories of the roads and lands we drove past in broken english, i steel myself for what i would find in the old building that loomed over me and i, rightfully, felt very small, the paper that read 'the cat's cradle' with its address and a name in barely comprehensive cursive crumpled in my sweaty palm.

i must have been standing and staring for a long time, because i didn't notice the sister who had appeared seemingly out of nowhere standing beside me with a polite, practiced smile - "what brings you here?

a brillant question with a very simple answer, one that had stayed stuck in the back of my throat and the sister waited patiently for my answer.

i give her a last name first and at the confusion in her eyes (though that might have been because my voice was as quiet as a mouse), i clear my throat, "i was told i could find, erm..." i hesitate for a second, my throat goes dry and i had half a mind to turn and run. spit out excuses of a wrong turn, a wrong address, that i was a nosy, lost tourist that stumbled upon the building on google maps, god - anything!

"miss?" the sister asks softly and i assess her expression for a while - concern with a bit of apprehension behind it.

"beatrice," her name falls effortlessly from my lips, and by effortlessly i mean breathless and like it was forced up my throat and out my mouth - gutteral and rushed, "i'm looking for beatrice? i was told i could find her here?" i give her my name and the lady nods in understanding, perhaps recognizing my surname. there was some surprise she tried to hide, i roll my eyes at the thought.

"sister beatrice is indeed here," the sister smiles, "allow me to take you to her," she gestures towards the building as she takes brisks steps towards the large double doors, gesturing for me to sit on a pew at the very back, "i'll be back with her shortly - we don't get much personal visitors," she explains with a smile, hurriedly walking away to lord knows where.

i sit pin-straight, my eyes scanning the images and statues around the hall and i let out a shaky exhale. as much as i found them beautiful, they terrified me.

the sister was gone a while. my head would snap up at every set of brisk footsteps only to lower after smiling politely at the sisters who were passing by with curious eyes and i opt not to look up when i hear two sets of hurried footsteps - one stops and walks away, growing fainter the further it got and the second set walks closer towards me, until i saw a pair of shoes beside my feet and i felt very conscious of how exposed i was in a place of worship. perhaps the sundress would have been a better suited outfit for my tasks today instead of shorts and a cotton button down shirt. in my defense, the weather felt like i was about to be cooked alive right on the concrete sidewalk.

"never pegged you as the type to pray so earnestly unless you were held at gunpoint,"

i was not as steeled as i wanted to be, my heart felt like it had stopped. as much as i didn't want it to, a familiar warmth washed over me; it was so comforting that the pit of dread clawing at my stomach silenced itself for a while for the quickest moment and i laugh dryly.

"i still think that you pray enough to save the both of us from eternal damnation," i shake my head, only lifting it when she settles down beside me and even then, i keep my eyes on anything that wasn't her, "you...suit the habit better than i ever could have, beatrice," i glance at her, my lip quirking in a small smile, "that color does nothing for your complexion though,"

it was a joke made in an earnest attempt to diffuse the tension between us. she huffed out a laugh and i smile a little wider at the sound, "nice to see i can still make you laugh,"

silence. soft pitter-pattering of shoes on tile as a group of sisters walk past us.

beatrice hums softly when they've left, "it's been a while,"

"did you expect it'd be me when you heard you had a guest?"

"i was definitely hoping for a familiar face, but..." she murmurs with a resigned sigh, "truthfully, i was not expecting it'd be yours," beatrice folds her arms over her chest, "but i will not deny that you've crossed my mind over the years,"

"really?" i pick at my nails, "i honestly didn't think you'd even remember me,"

"why'd you come then?" out of the corner of my eye, i see her face me and i huff softly, rubbing my sweaty palms on the rough material of my shorts.

"...i don't know," i mumble truthfully, or rather an attempt at sounding truthful. of course i knew why i was here, of course i had a purpose in getting on a plane to spain, struggling and travelling alone to get to this place, to see her and talk to her. when i glance at her, she has that look on her face.

her lips are pursed in a straight line, jaw set, most of her face is unreadable, save her eyes - oh, god, her eyes. soft, persistently trained on me and ever-moving to hold my gaze and no matter how much i tried to avoid them, i ended up looking right back at her. there's a look that - i won't lie - i have missed. so much emotion i can't decipher, but i knew that if i looked hard enough, somewhere in that look was the reassurance that she'd always still be there, whether i choose to tell her the truth or not. beatrice sits there, waiting and expectant.

"you are still a terrible liar," she deadpans when it was clear i have no plans on telling her why i was really here.

"it is the truth," i grumble defensively "you're still so suspicious of everything i say when i'm trying to be honest."

"well, your lower lip keeps twitching,"

my eyes narrow in confusion and i huff, suddenly aware of how tense i was, "and?"

"that's your tell," beatrice says as though it is the most obvious thing in the world and she faced forward, hands folded on her lap.

"my tell? my tell could have changed, genius - we haven't spoken in -" i shrug, "5? 6 or 7 years?"

"6 years, 2 months, 11 days," bea's voice quietens.

i glance at her, also silencing myself as the tension and defensiveness ooze out of my body and i slouch against the pew with a scoff of disbelief. she remembered, she counted it down to the day, though wouldn't be surprised if she had it down to the minute, beatrice was good at remembering details like that. it was both endearing and infuriating.

"'course you remember,"

"it was 12:07 am, the morning of your 16th birthday, the day you left switzerland," bea continues to speak only to falter slightly, her voice weakens and she looks down at her lap to fiddle with her thumbs - that, to me, was her tell. her tell that she was about to start a very difficult conversation, or ask a very awkward question.

"they never told us why you left, you know," bea's voice is small, smaller than my fuzzy memories tell me she has ever sounded, even during late nights having the hardest of conversations, when we both had our hearts bared out to each other, during our secret embraces as we cried with each other she has never sounded quiet as small as she is now. i wished for nothing more than the ground to swallow me whole, "and you never came back,"

"i wished i did," i say immediately in a soft voice, "god - sorry - i really wish i did," my heart pounds painfully in my chest, "and i'm sorry i didn't, and i know that isn't enough, and no amount of grovelling and asking for your forgiveness will fix that," i swallow thickly, "we -" i second-guess what i'm about to say, clearing my throat, "- were each other's greatest friend, and regardless of that fact, you don't have to forgive me,"

it's hard to gauge her reactions when beatrice keeps her face turned away from me but i could have sworn there was an almost imperceptible look that shifts her features briefly.

"there are absolutely no excuses, beatrice," i sigh heavily and the speck on the ground by my shoe was suddenly the most interesting thing in the world, "and i've just turned your whole world upside down by showing up unannounced - jesus - sorry again - i'm so sorry, bea,"

"you still haven't told me why you left," she says a little more clearly, her stare stony as she looked right at me.

"does it matter?" i mutter, nails digging into my palms, "does it still matter bea? i'm here right now, isn't that what should be focused on?"

"you left me," bea sounds exasperated, "dare i say, you owe me an explanation? after you disappeared for years - you think i don't have questions? my own versions of why you left? my own doubts? i still don't even know what you're doing here,"

"i wanted to find you! by the time i was allowed to do things on my own, you weren't in switzerland anymore and nobody would tell me where you were - they all thought i would be a terrible influence on you -" i wince at how my voice echoed around the room and i hear her take a deep breath in and out when another trio of nuns walk past us. i shrink back into the pew with crossed arms, tucked against the corner.

"do you hate me for it?" i ask softly, "have you ever regretted being my - my friend?"

"what kind of ridiculous question is that?" is her answer, spat out like the thought was poison, the mere insinuation was a heavy boulder i just hurled at her. or maybe i was reading too much into things and this was just her regular anger, a normal amount of disdain she had for an old friend who left her behind without looking back - overthinking has always been a terrible habit of mine just as repressing how she truly felt about something was hers.

"...you know, i don't think i have it in me to hate you," my head lifts to look at her when she continues and i'm alarmed to see her eyes grow misty, "even when i really, really wanted to,"

beatrice sighs and i echo the sound, a shared sentiment between us. i also think that hating her was an impossible thought, no matter the sin she commits. my fingers drum against the wood of the pew, slowly and hesitantly reaching for her hand.

"i'm here now, bea," i whisper reassuringly, squeezing her hand tightly when she links our fingers together, "this time, i won't leave you hanging, yeah?"

"i'll hold you to that," she says weakly.

i smile softly, holding out my free hand, pinky lifted. beatrice lets out a watery laugh, sniffling before she mimics the action, locking our pinkies in some unbreakable promise and suddenly, we were back in our spot at the school in switzerland, vowing to be friends forever and ever, making plans to join the same convents, or if the Lord willed it, the same university, maybe the same apartment to live the rest and best of our lives together.

"we've got the rest of forever to catch up, and forever is a lot of time,"

[tempural]

❄ Fannish Origin Story:

Crossposted from my mastodon/fediverse account.

🐣 The Beginning

The first "fannish" thing I can remember doing is live action roleplaying Final Fantasy IV characters with my neighbor. We were still playing SNES games when everyone else was on the ps2 and xbox grind… She was Rosa so she could date the main character Cecil. And I was Rydia, and I had to date Kain. Which I was fine with cuz Rydia's cute and Kain was cool cuz he had dark dragon armor and shared a name with Kane my favorite wrestler.

(Looking back, Rydia/Kain is kind of an insane age gap ship (she starts as 7 and time skips to a vague adult age later, while Kain is always an adult) that SOMEONE could do something with. I think in canon Rydia wants to eff Edge though (not to be confused with COPE))

I developed an interest in Final Fantasy, emulating some of the other 2D games, buying FF7 for my cousin's ps1 for ME to play, and playing FF8 at my mom's friend's daughter's place. I never finished FF8 cuz it crashed and wiped all the memory at the end of the first disc lmao. As a wee lad, I looked up pornographic doujin for FF7 specifically, on a site called SoDaSexy. I was looking for Vincent Valentine doujin. I wasn't that interested in Cloud x Sephiroth, and I didn't feel anything for Cid x Vincent or Sephiroth x Vincent, but I acknowledged that I was looking for yaoi. There was a monster x Vincent Valentine doujin that drew my attention though!

I think that's where my strange snake fujo ways come from - I have an uke fave, but not always a favorite ship with a specific character. Sometimes you just want to rotate your fave in the torture cube. Mob x Fave, Fave in Distress, and Fave Zerkin' It are often my favorite flavor of work to look at. But it's hard to explain in words to people who prefer a ships to faves.

I also remember reading a non explicit Yuffie x Vincent fic on ff.net that caught my attention. One of my original Gorl Scout x Squidward ships? Sounds funny nowadays to say that a het ship was more interesting to me than most of the yaoi LOL. Hey i dont see gender, they played into the Spongebob x Squidward onesided agegap annoying thing I always liked in the back of my mind.

🐓 The Growth

I hung around /co/ and tf2chan for my next fix of yaoi, not posting, just lurking for art, pretty much just going with the flow of whatever other people liked and not forming my own taste quite yet. So that meant shipping stuff that I forgot what J liked for their dynamics now, like Riddler/Scarecrow. I have a better memory of what I liked about ye olde TF2 ships like Sniper/Spy and Heavy/Medic. But I resolved never to become one of those annoying underage fans who latched onto Scout for his relatively twinkish appearance to turn him into a uke bishie yaoi boy!!! How the turns have tabled. Now I base my entire personality around Scoutsonas and Gorl Scouts.

At the same time, I got into boomer rock after one-too-many sleepless nights of VH1 classic. And it was inevitable when looking up photos of my favorite hair metal yaoi boyz, it would lead to tumblr blogs. So there's where I found the RPF army I desired. I started developing my own taste at this point because the pairings were MUCH rarer. Like trying to find Vince/Mick (crue) :P

I posted some art on Deviantart so I could do something with a high school friend. There was a little boomer rock RPF niche on there. It was pretty godlike when you found someone who drew them as bishie anime boyz and had their explicit art locked behind a personal site needing you to google translate Japanese for the password.

I made boomer rock OCs to use my autistic collection of 80s musician stories in my head for something. Pussywhip vs The Penetrators. The Penetrators came from a Rock Band (wii) name we used. Pussywhip was like.. damn I wish I came up with "Faster Pussycat" yknow? Jizzy (Doctor Love), Saucy (not Dave Mustaine, used as my maplestory avatar), and Johnny (played New Vegas around this time too smir were the first ones. I still draw Vicky and Angus a bit. And still add to this universe to this day :P y'all know about my ScoutSpy ACID PUSSY band au?!?

🍗 The End

I am still using Tumblr to this day LMAO. I draw comics and cartoons for a living cuz I still need to draw the strange niche yaoi I crave but can't find. I am married to my lovely manwife because we found each other through strange niche yaoi online. Fandom can be cool sometimes.

[cosmogyros]

Billy Come Home

Songwriting is so wild. I woke up this morning thinking about the Animals’ cover of “House of the Rising Sun” and how they did such a damn good job of turning a traditional folk song into a nice heavy rock ballad. And then I thought, hey, it could be fun to write my own “old folk tune with the potential to be covered as a rock song”. What a delightful challenge!

While I was making breakfast, the chorus spontaneously came to me: “Billy, come home / Don’t you stay away so long / Billy, come home / Don’t you leave me no more.” I quickly sat down and recorded that bit so I wouldn’t forget it.

My musical concept for this song was clear right away: I wanted to write something in the tradition of the Scottish folk ballads, a genre that greatly influenced me in my youth. That meant it should have a solid sing-along chorus and be comparatively “plain”, lyrically speaking.

Now it was time to write the verses… but that required some thought.

I decided that, despite the lyrics of the chorus, the song overall would be from the point of view of a man going away, and the chorus is the part that’s sung from the point of view of his girlfriend back at home. What do men go away for? Traditionally, war. So I decided this would be a song sung by a soldier missing his lady at home.

Next question: where is he going away from? I have a soft spot for Canada, so this would be a song about a Canadian soldier. I wrote the classic line with which to start this type of song – “I had a girl back in [blank]” – and then sat there wondering what “blank” should be. I looked up various historically significant Canadian port cities, but none of their names felt quite right.

I wanted it to sound kind of generic. I wanted it to be a song that Canadians would instantly recognize as being about Canada, but people of other nationalities might easily mistake for a song about their own country instead. One of those conveniently vague lyrics that all different kinds of people can relate to.

From researching Canadian cities of historical import, I somehow shifted to reading about Canadian participation in the World Wars. Since I wanted this to be an old song, obviously World War I was the way to go. I read about some famous Canadians who’d fought in the Great War. Scrolling through black-and-white photos of young men in their military attire and mustaches, I was stopped in my tracks by this dashing fellow and the caption: “Billy Bishop is one of Canada’s most famous aviators, claiming 72 victories across the First World War.”

Boom. Serendipity. There was my Billy. I’d never known before this moment that he even existed, but now it was clear what my song was about.

From that point, it was easy. I opened up Billy Bishop’s Wikipedia article and eagerly read about his entire life. He was quite a dandy in his youth: well-dressed, spoke with a lisp, attended dancing classes with the girls, and didn’t care for team sports, preferring solitary activities such as riding and shooting. Naturally this made him a target of teasing by the other boys, but Billy was quite a scrapper and had no qualms about getting into fights to defend himself. He was also very good-looking and popular with the ladies, but unfortunately both a slacker and a cheater in his schoolwork. And aspired to fly from a young age…

From Wikipedia: “In 1910, at the age of 16, after reading a newspaper article, Bishop built a glider out of cardboard, wooden crates, bedsheets, and twine, and made an attempt to fly off the roof of his three-story house. He was dug, unharmed, out of the wreckage by his sister Louise. After she helped him hide the wreckage, she insisted he owed her a favor, and insisted he date her girlfriend Margaret Burden.”

It was love at first sight for Billy and Margaret, but he had to leave her behind when he enlisted on his 17th birthday. He was then transferred from Kingston to London, Ontario for cavalry training before boarding the ship Caledonia and starting off across the ocean (but not without first slipping away to propose to Margaret and give her his military academy ring, to hold her over until he could charm her parents enough to be allowed to offer her a real one).

The Canada-to-England journey was hellish – everyone was terrifically seasick, man and beast alike. Many of the horses on board died during the crossing and their corpses had to be thrown overboard. Additionally, the ship was attacked by a German submarine near the end of its voyage, resulting in 300 Canadian casualties.

Billy Bishop survived, however, and was rewarded with more horrific conditions: undergoing further training in an absolute swamp of mud and horse manure in England. Eventually he got so sick and tired of being on the disgusting, dirty ground that he applied to the Royal Flying Corps instead – after having observed to a friend one day, while watching an airplane land: "You don't get any mud or horseshit on you up there. If you died, it would be a clean death."

It may have been cleaner, but it wasn’t necessarily more enjoyable. He crashed, was shot down, and suffered various injuries (including, on one long flight, frostbite so severe that it split his cheek open). But during all this time, he started familiarizing himself with the concept of planes that could shoot at the enemy from the air – brand new technology back then.

On medical leave, he finally convinced Margaret Burden’s parents that he was a suitable match for their daughter, and gave her a proper engagement ring at last. Then it was back to Europe a few months later, where, stationed in France, he began shooting down German planes with so much success that the Germans nicknamed him “Hell’s Handmaiden”. In his blue-nosed plane, Bishop was a fearless flyer – after one flight he landed with 210 bullet holes in his fuselage. Some say he exaggerated his successes, but whether it was all based in truth or not, he was considered the top flying ace for the Allies.

And eventually, in 1917, he got another opportunity to return home to Canada, welcomed as a hero – and finally married his beloved Margaret, after a years-long engagement.

I learned all of this and completed the majority of the song in about 45 minutes. Most of the verses practically wrote themselves. One minute, I’d been idly singing the words “Billy, come home” to myself, with no context or connotation and no idea who “Billy” might be; an hour later, I knew all this history and had all-but-finished a song about his life.

One line was still missing, so I texted some friends about it, asking for creative assistance. One informed me that fighter planes were sometimes referred to as “kites” back then, and that gave me the inspiration I needed to finish up the song.

(I intentionally took a few mild creative liberties with the historical facts, but hey, that’s something else that old folk songs traditionally do. Despite that, most of the lyric is still true!)

Anyway, if you want to hear the tune, I made a rough demo of it: