#dalek beta

[legendofthephoenixsblog]

My personal ranking of named Daleks from the TV show and Big Finish. These are the Daleks that I have gotten to know from watching or listening to the stories they are a part of.

I've scored Dalek Sec's human hybrid form lower than I wanted mainly because we didn't get to see a lot of him.

[aidaran-alha]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Fifteenth Doctor/Rogue (Doctor Who) Characters: Rogue (Doctor Who) Additional Tags: Angst, Light Angst, Character Study, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, no beta we die like daleks, lonely Summary:

What's left once you've waited for an eternity? ------ He started the slow process of building himself a more durable home, finally accepting he’d be there for a long time. Had he been someone with the head on the skies, like the Doctor, he would have convinced himself it was pretty pointless, as he’d be rescued soon, before finding out what winter was on that planet.

But Rogue had never been that kind of person.

[inastarlesssky]

You know what?

I'm going to just do it. I wanted to write an Allonswin and looked everywhere for a beta, couldn't find one and then despaired and threw the idea away.

But I really want to write them, even if it's just that one stupid scene that won't leave me alone (Ten being the one to rescue her from the Dalek Asylum).

I'm going to write it myself.

But not right now, else @tina-mairin-goldstein will come after me because I promised I wouldn't pick up any more WIPs until I finish one. Right, my friend? XD

[interestingturnofthetables]

Ain’t no way the 2nd Doctor just named these (nice?) Daleks Alpha, Beta, & Omega 😭

The way that has aged is just so

[boywhoswaiting]

Sibling just finished evil of the daleks and literally all they cared about was Alpha, Beta and Omega

[girl-hwat]

oh god, my heart breaks for Alpha, Beta, and Omega dalek

[wadbot]

ENERGIA.WAD: Energia 1.01 MAP11 (-488, -1360, 0) Author: Dimensionality Date: 1997-06-21 Description: 20 maps on Skaro. Single player or Coop to steal the Daleks' new Time Disruptor; Deathmatch: Prevent your opponents from getting the Time Disruptor -- the last map is a race to the finish This version does NOT require DeHackEd. If I remembered to include the DeH, be warned it's a VERY early beta... testing suggestions welcome, but note the date... this should be superceeded pretty soon, as if anyone out there still plays with Doom II... Caveat: whilst I prominently label this as 1.01. not all the probs in 1.0 are fixed. 8-\

[veraynes-blog]

Hi! 28, 41 and 49? 👀

28. Does anyone read your fics before you post them? If so, who?

No, I've never worked with a beta before, and none of my irl friends are into fandom so there's no point sharing fics with them. (Boyfriend did recently stumble on my tumblr and AO3 though, which gave me conniptions ngl. 😐)

I think that's why I'm always so chatty in comments and asks! You guys are my only fandom interaction, I need the engagement in my enclosure! 😅

41. Link a fic that made you think, “Wow, I want to write like that.”

Okay, I don't think this is a style of writing I'll ever be able to successfully imitate, but I think it's absolutely stunning - Salinity (And Other Measurements of Brackish Water) by drawlight. It's a Good Omens fic with just beautiful, delicate, stream-of-consciousness prose that make my heart ache in the best way. All drawlight's works are similarly gorgeous, but that was the one I first came across and which stuck with me ever since. 💕

49. What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

I'm currently continuing work on my John Smith/Simm!Master AU. It's up to 16k now! 😁 I can't decide what part would be best to share, so here's a few lines I thought were cool about the Master encountering John's Book of Impossible Things:

The Master opened the first page of the notebook, blinking as he was met with a few messy sketches. They weren't particularly coherent, so he flipped to the next page. More sketches, a few scrawled sentences. Among outlines of shapes that didn't quite make sense, the Master thought he recognised roughly placed star constellations, notes of what might have been coordinates. He kept going, moving through the book. With each page, the drawn images became bolder, more detailed. Here a landscape that very clearly depicted nowhere on Earth. Here a dalek's detailed metal shell. Here a botched diagram of the Acteon Galaxy. A mathematic equation that trailed off into nonsense, with the lower half of the page obliterated by a furious scribble and spilled ink. It was an ugly collection, the Master decided. Knowledge butchered on every page. A Time Lord's vast experience reduced to childish scrawl.

"They're just… flights of fancy, as I said." John watched self-consciously as the Master paged through the book. "Dreams I have, or-or waking dreams, sometimes. Silly, really."

The written sections were becoming longer, less like hasty notes in the margin and more like samples of prose, or perhaps the diary entries the Master had first supposed. I dreamed, each one began, like some desperate disclaimer. The Master ran his finger over the words, feeling where they'd been pressed too harshly into the paper.

"Just stories," John repeated faintly.

Thanks for asking! 🥰

[landscaping-your-mind]

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Category: Gen

Fandom: Doctor Who (2005)

Relationship: Minor or Background Relationship(s)

Characters: Ninth Doctor (Doctor Who), Henry van Statten

Additional Tags: Whumptober, Whumptober 2023, Ninth Doctor (Doctor Who) Whump, Medical Torture, Vivisection, Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence - Episode: s01e06 Dalek, Hurt No Comfort, Minor Ninth Doctor & Rose Tyler, Title is from a line in the dalek novelisation, which you should all read right now, Mentioned Rose Tyler, Spoilers for Episode: s04e17-18 The End of Time, Captivity, Non-consensual surgery, No beta we die like ten

Words: 807

Chapters: 1/1

Summary:

The Doctor sends the TARDIS and Rose back to her time, and Henry van Statten has a unique alien specimen all to himself. --- “You’re going to die, van Statten,” he says. “You’re going to die because you won’t listen.” “And what do you think will happen to you, Doctor?” The Doctor doesn’t answer --- Written for Whumptober 2023, day 11. Prompts used are captivity and “No one will find you.”

Warnings:

Captivity

Non-consensual surgery

Restraints

Torture

Vivisection

 

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Work Header

Rating:

Teen And Up Audiences

Archive Warning:

Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Category:

Gen

Fandom:

Doctor Who (2005)

Relationship:

Minor or Background Relationship(s)

Characters:

Ninth Doctor (Doctor Who)

Henry van Statten

Additional Tags:

Whumptober

Whumptober 2023

Ninth Doctor (Doctor Who) Whump

Medical Torture

Vivisection

Torture

Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence

Canon Divergence - Episode: s01e06 Dalek

Hurt No Comfort

Minor Ninth Doctor & Rose Tyler

Title is from a line in the dalek novelisation

which you should all read right now

Mentioned Rose Tyler

Spoilers for Episode: s04e17-18 The End of Time

Captivity

Non-consensual surgery

No beta we die like ten

Language: English Series: ← Previous Work Part 11 of Whumptober 2023, ← Previous Work Part 2 of Season 1 Episode 6 Dalek Collections: Whumptober 2023 Stats: Published:2023-10-11Words:807Chapters:1/1Comments:2Kudos:4Hits:26

Alien Dissection

NebbyAxolotl

Summary:

The Doctor sends the TARDIS and Rose back to her time, and Henry van Statten has a unique alien specimen all to himself. Written for Whumptober 2023, day 11. Prompts used are captivity and “No one will find you.”

Notes:

For bloopdydooooo.

Written 10 Oct. 2023. Content warnings in the end notes. Anyway yeahhh babyyy i’m writing the same fic but Again because I like making 9 suffer. I’ve written half the fics in the vivisection tag in this fandom. Brian you need to get on that.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“With your… girl gone, no one will find you, Doctor.”

The Doctor looks up at van Statten, it’s hard to look anywhere but up, in the position that he’s in. “That’s why I did it.”

“Not the best of decisions,” van Statten responds, amicably.

“That thing you’ve got there.” Van Statten sighs, the Doctor continues regardless. “It’s a monster. It’ll kill everything.”

“So you send your only mode of escape away. Wise.”

The Doctor wishes he could move, could do anything but lie there, because he’s well aware of how his current situation undercuts his point. “That Dalek, if it escapes—“

“Which it won’t,” interrupts van Statten.

“Which is could. If it escapes — when it escapes — it’ll kill its way out of your museum ,” he spits the last word, he’s shaking, he can feel it. “And it’ll kill everyone on Earth.”

“I think you’ll find that humans are better at handling threats than your species was.”

The Doctor laughs, because how wrong can you get. His species stood a chance against the Daleks, that’s more than any other ones could say.

(His species would’ve killed the universe just as much as the Daleks would’ve, and he can’t think about that, he’s told himself he’d never think about that again.)

“You’re going to die, van Statten,” he says. “You’re going to die because you won’t listen.”

“And what do you think will happen to you, Doctor?”

The Doctor doesn’t answer him, and van Statten leaves.

---

The Doctor likes to think that humans tend towards goodness. It’s not that that’s a lie , per se, but it’s not entirely the truth.

See, humans are good when they can see something as the same as them. It’s that sense of kinship, it’s what a lot of species that reach space have in common. It’s also what makes them so dangerous, both to their own species and to others.

It’s not all humans who fear the unknown, but it’s enough to make it so when faced with something different, humans will fear it or assume superiority, often both. And when faced with something they need to distance themselves from, when faced with something they want to hurt, they’ll try their best to see their victim as not a person at all.

This is a long winded way to say that he’s afraid. Afraid of what the scientists — or he assumes they’re scientists — in the room mean, what they’re going to do to him, why haven’t they told him, is that a scalpel?

He’s almost glad Rose is gone. She can’t see this.

“Sedate him,” van Statten says.

“It doesn’t work,” he responds, and he hates it, hates how broken his voice sounds.

“What?” van Statten asks, coming properly into view.

“Anaesthetic,” the Doctor replies. “It doesn’t work.”

The Doctor knows it’s not going to stop him, but at least the Doctor won’t have to deal with what’s about to happen to him with a tube stuck down his throat.

Van Statten makes a gesture to someone and the table where he’s lying is made completely horizontal. Then someone straps his arms — stretched out to either side — legs, even head down. They’re strong, the restraints. What are they planning on doing to him?

“Open him up,” van Statten says, and he can’t help it, his hearts start to race.

The person with the scalpel doesn’t meet his eyes. There’s a pause before it happens, and then they finally make a cut and the Doctor would be writhing in pain if he weren’t strapped down so thoroughly. Instead he screams, wordless.

Through the haze of pain he hears van Statten murmur, “That’s amazing,” and then he’s screaming again, because they’re doing something , and he can’t hear above his own screams.

The Doctor can’t see, can’t see anything but the ceiling and occasional glimpses of van Statten and the scientists who are doing this to him. He’s straining so much against the restraints that he’ll have bruises, provided he lives, because this hurts so much he’s going to die, he’s just going to die.

There’s a pause. The Doctor’s screams peter off into cries, and he hates himself for it, because he can’t even breathe, can’t even get himself to wheeze out that the Dalek is dangerous.

“That’s fascinating ,” van Statten says, and then there’s the pain again, and the Doctor needs to get away, get away from him, but he’s held fast and helpless and all he can do is scream again.

---

They’ve closed the Doctor up, but they haven’t unrestrained him, not even slightly. Haven’t even moved him. He doesn’t want to think about what that means for him.

He doesn’t want to think about a lot of things, least of all that he’s just another oddity in van Statten’s museum, and that his only hope of rescue is in London in 2005.

[chocolatequeennk]

Forever Timeless, 12/24

Summary: Two months after the Dalek Crucible, the Doctor and Rose are getting used to having the biggest family on Earth. As they visit Leadworth in 1996, Victorian England, a mysterious desert planet, and Elizabethan England, those family and friends often help in unexpected ways. But no matter where they go or who they’re with, it’s always the Doctor in the TARDIS with Rose Tyler–just as it should be.

Ten x Rose, Donna x Lee

Betaed by @rudennotgingr, @pellaaearien, and @jabber-who-key

Tagging @doctorroseprompts 

Part 7 of Being to Timelessness

AO3 | FF.NET | TSP

Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 4 | Ch 5 | Ch 6 | Ch 7 | Ch 8 | Ch 9 | Ch 10 | Ch 11

Chapter Twelve: It’s Pretty…

“I promise. I’m going to get you home.”

Rose held her breath after the Doctor gave his promise, but after a long moment, the tension on the bus shifted from fear and panic to hope. Rose smiled at the Doctor. She loved the way his words managed to calm people down, every time. Well, if he isn’t making them mad at least.

Oi!

She smirked, letting her tongue peek out a little. There’s not much middle ground with you.

He tugged on his ear. Yes… Well, just be glad this was the former. 

Then he bounced on his toes and grinned at their little band. “Excellent! So, let’s get started. The first thing we need to do is take the seats apart. We’re going to drive out of here on the backs of those seats.”

Nathan pulled his keys out of his pocket. “I’ve got a little Swiss army knife,” he offered. “I can use the screwdriver to get started.” 

“Excellent! Barclay, you help out.” The Doctor looked around at the group. “Does anyone else have tools on them? Pocket knife, et cetera?”

Lady Christina pulled her backpack closer, and he focused on her. 

“Christina?”

She hesitated, and he raised an eyebrow. “If we want to get home, we all need to work together. I don’t think an alien planet is what you meant when you said you were going far away.”

Christina sighed and unzipped her bag. “Here,” she said, handing Barclay an axe. “That should help you get the seats taken apart.”

“Excellent. Now, who wants to see if we can get this bus started?” He glanced to his right. “Angela?”

She nodded. “I can do that.” 

“Thank you.” The Doctor held out his hand for Rose and she stood up with him. “Rose and I will take a closer look at the bus while you get started. There might be something else we can use that we haven’t noticed yet.”

So, this seems a bit more serious than we thought, Rose said as they left the bus.

You mean Carmen’s vision that death is coming? He nodded. I’ve got a strong sense that we don’t have much time. Let’s make the bus an actual backup plan, in case Jenny doesn’t get to the TARDIS in time.

Lady Christina hopped out of the bus before Rose could agree with the Doctor’s assessment. “Hold on. You’re the man with all the answers. I’m not letting you out of my sight.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes before he turned around. “Was I out of sight? I thought you could see me through the windows.”

Christina pursed her lips. “You know what I mean. Come on, there’s something more going on here, isn’t there? That little machine, the wormhole, Carmen’s prediction…” 

He shook his head. “We were investigating the… anomaly. We hadn’t finished our investigation, hence we have no conclusions. However, I intend to keep working.”

They were thankfully interrupted by Barclay and Nathan before Christina could push further on the subject of Carmen’s prediction. They’d only just calmed the group down—they didn’t need her to stir up the fear again. 

Each young man carried a seat back, flourishing them proudly as they joined the Doctor, Rose, and Christina. “Here we go,” Barclay said. 

“That’s my boys.” He paused; they could hear the thud of an axe inside the bus. “Who did you give the axe to?”

Barclay pointed at Donna, swinging the axe over her head. “She said she’d take it.” 

“Oh, I bet she did,” the Doctor muttered.

Rose laughed and shook her head. “Focus.” 

He blinked. “Right. The seat backs.” He took Barclay’s and held it flat, parallel to the ground. “See, we lay a flat surface between the bus and the wormhole, like duckboards, and we reverse into it.” 

“Let some air out of the tyres,” Christina chimed in. “Just a little bit. It spreads the weight of the bus, gives you more grip against the sand.” 

“Good idea,” Rose said. She waited to see if Christina would acknowledge her at all.

Christina glanced at her, then smiled up at the Doctor. “Holidays in the Kalahari.” 

Barclay gestured at the wheels, half buried in the sand. “Yeah, but those wheels go deep.”

The Doctor scratched at his sideburn. “Yeah, we’ll have to dig them out.”

“With what?” 

The Doctor looked at Christina. “I don’t suppose you have any other tools in that backpack of yours.”

She reached into her bag and handed a collapsible shovel to the Doctor. “Use this.” She smirked at the Doctor as he passed the shovel on to Barclay. “I told you, I’m prepared for every emergency.”

Thankfully, Christina’s boasting was interrupted by Angela’s call from the bus. “I can’t find the keys.” 

“Oh no, buses don’t have keys,” the Doctor explained as he jogged back to the door. “There’s a master switch, then it’s one button to start, the other one to stop, yeah?” 

“Right. Hold on.” Angela studied the control panel for a second. “Oh, I’ve got it.” She flipped the master switch and took a deep breath. “Here we go. Hold tight. Ding, ding.” 

Rose held her breath as Angela hit the start button. For a moment, it seemed like it would work. The engine grumbled a little, but given the circumstances, that was expected. 

But when that rough rumble turned to an unhappy whine, she walked around the bus and pulled off the engine cover. The Doctor was only two steps behind her, and together they stared at the sand pouring out of the engine. 

He reached in and brushed a few bits of sand away. “Oh, never mind losing half the top deck. You know what’s worse? Sand. Tiny little grains of sand. The engine’s clogged up.” He sighed and raked his hand through his hair. “Too bad we don’t have Mr. Mickey with us.”

“He could fix this easy,” Rose agreed. “But maybe…” She returned to the other side of the bus. “Either of you know mechanics?” she asked Nathan and Barclay.

Barclay dropped his shovel. “Me. I did a two week NVQ at the garage. Never finished it, but—”

Rose grinned. “And I never got my A levels,” she replied. “Come on, see if you can help us out.” 

Back on the other side of the bus, Rose pushed Barclay forward. “Barclay here has studied mechanics at a garage—same program Mickey did back when we were in school.”

The Doctor brightened. “Off you go then.” He nodded at the open engine. “Try stripping the air filter. Fast as you can. Back in two ticks.”

Rose stepped forward and took the Doctor’s hand. “Yeah, we’re going to take a quick look around, see what we can figure out about our surprise destination.”

She pulled out her phone and sent Donna a quick text as they walked away from the bus. We’ll be right back. Keep them focused and positive.

They’d only gone a few steps when they heard Christina come up behind them. The Doctor turned and shook his head. “We’ll be right back. You should stay with the others.” She opened her mouth and he quickly cut her off. “Who knows if they might need something else you have in that bag of yours.”

She stiffened, and he raised an eyebrow. What does she have in that bag?

After a few seconds, she sighed and turned back. “Whatever it takes to get off this planet.” 

I can’t tell if she’s flirting with you, or if she just has to be the centre of attention, Rose said as they started walking again.

A little from column A, a little from column B, the Doctor suggested.

They’d only gotten to the top of the first dune when Rose’s phone chimed with a new text message. She glanced at it quickly, hoping it was from Jenny. Instead, Donna’s reply made her laugh.

Next time, you can stay behind with Posh Spice.

“Donna’s not too impressed that we left her behind with Christina,” she told the Doctor.

The Doctor snorted. “No, I can’t picture them getting on.” He paused, then said, “Lady Christina, who jumps at sirens… I wonder what she was doing back in London.” 

Rose raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t think you noticed her reaction.” 

“She was sitting right in front of us, Rose.” 

“And you’ve never missed something that’s right in front of you?”

“Wellllll…”

Rose changed the subject as they climbed another dune. “If Carmen’s right and that wormhole isn’t an accident, that explains why it feels so unfriendly.”

The Doctor hummed his agreement. “The faster we can get off this planet, the better. I don’t care if we take a bus or the TARDIS—we just need to get out of here, now.” 

Rose shivered, despite the three alien suns. “Yeah, we do.” 

“But first, I want to get an idea of what might be out there.” 

Rose didn’t argue. The Doctor’s insatiable curiosity in the face of danger got them into trouble more often than not, but it also tended to be what got them out of trouble. After all, you couldn’t fight a problem you didn’t know you had.

But when they got to the top of the next dune and saw the hazy, glittering cloud in the distance, she wondered if maybe they should have just gone back to the bus. 

“Ah, don’t like the look of that,” the Doctor muttered.

The unfriendly feeling amplified. “I don’t think that’s a sandstorm, Doctor.” 

He shook his head. “No, neither do I. And it’s getting closer.” 

Without speaking, they both turned around and started running at an easy pace back towards the bus, following their own footsteps across the sand. 

I need your phone, he said once the bus was in sight. UNIT will be at the site back in London, and we need help figuring out what we’re facing. 

Rose reached into her pocket and handed it to him. He unlocked it and scrolled through the contacts as they jumped the stairs into the bus.

Donna glanced over at them and dropped the axe when she saw the looks on their faces. “All right, what’s going on?” 

“Nothing,” the Doctor lied. “We just need to make a phone call.” 

“You’re hardly going to get a signal,” Christina protested. “We’re on another planet.” 

“Oh, just watch me,” he said and hit dial, followed immediately by the speaker button.  

The phone picked up on the first ring. “This is the Unified Intelligence Taskforce.” 

The Doctor took a breath to launch into his speech, but the voice—which he now realised was a recording—continued.

“Please select one of the following four options. If you want to—” 

“Oh, I hate these things,” the Doctor groaned. 

“If you keep your finger pressed on zero, you get through to a real person,” Angela offered eagerly. “I saw it on Watchdog.” 

The Doctor held the 0 down and the phone rang as he was transferred to another line. “Thank you, Angela.” 

“UNIT helpline. Which department would you like?” 

The Doctor sat down and took a deep breath. “Listen, it’s the Doctor. It’s me.” 

The pause on the other end of the line was almost unnoticeable, and when the officer spoke again, their voice was brisk and no-nonsense. “Yes, sir. How can I help?”

“There’s a bus that went missing in the middle of London. I need to talk to whoever is onsite.”

“Please hold while I transfer you, sir.” 

The Doctor leaned his head against the window behind him and waited. Finally, after what felt like forever, another UNIT operative spoke. 

“Doctor? This is Captain Erisa Magambo. Might I say, sir—it’s an honour.” 

There was something in that pause, almost as if… “Did you just salute?” the Doctor asked, slightly incredulous.

A brief pause, then, “No.”

Rose put her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter, and the Doctor rolled his eyes at her.

“Erisa, it’s about the bus. HQ said you’re at the tunnel, yeah?”

“And where are you?” she replied, answering his question without wasting either of their time. 

“We’re on the bus.” He stood up and peered out at the expanse of golden sand. “But apart from that, not a clue, except it’s very pretty and pretty dangerous.” 

“A body came through here. Have you sustained any more fatalities?”

“No, and we’re not going to, but we’re stuck.” He flopped back onto the seat and got to the point of his call. “We haven’t got the TARDIS, and I need to analyse that wormhole.”

“We have a scientific advisor on site. Dr. Malcolm Taylor. Just the man you need. He’s a genius.” 

“Oh, is he?” The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “We’ll see about that.”

“Rude!” Rose hissed. 

“I’m surprised he managed to go this long without insulting someone,” Donna retorted. 

“Oi!” The Doctor looked at Lee, but the other man just shook his head. “Oh, fine.”

The sound of a door opening and closing came through the phone, and the Doctor focused on the call. 

“It’s the Doctor,” he heard Erisa tell the supposed genius, Malcolm Taylor. 

“No, I’m all right now, thanks. It was just a bit of a sore throat. Although I’ve got to be honest, a cup of tea might be nice.” 

The Doctor pinched his nose—Dr. Taylor sounded every inch the absent-minded professor. He tried to stay hopeful that he’d be able to help them scan the wormhole.

“It’s the Doctor,” Erisa said, leaning heavily into the article.

“Do you mean… the Doctor Doctor?” Malcolm asked, breathless.

The Doctor groaned internally. He could already feel Rose’s amusement, and between her and Donna he knew he would be teased mercilessly over the apparent hero worship from UNIT.

“I know,” Erisa agreed. “We all want to meet him one day, but we all know what that day will bring.” 

The Doctor flinched. Hero worship wasn’t his favourite thing, but it was better than being considered some kind of harbinger of doom. “I can hear everything you’re saying,” he cut in, wanting to redirect the conversation.

“Hello, Doctor? Oh, my goodness!” Malcolm exclaimed.

The Doctor leaned away from the sound exploding out of the phone’s tinny speaker. “Yes, I am. Hello, Malcolm.”

Malcolm giggled nervously. “The Doctor. Cor blimey. I can’t believe I’m actually speaking to you. I mean, I’ve read all the files.”

“Really?” The Doctor perked up, his vanity momentarily distracting him from the situation at hand. “What was your favourite, the giant robot?” He shook his head quickly. “No, no, hold on. Let’s sort out that wormhole.” He got up and stepped past Christina to exit the bus. “Excuse me.”

Rose, Donna, and Lee all followed, and the foursome stood together under the suns, impatiently waiting for Malcolm to help them.

As they stepped outside, the Doctor could faintly hear Erisa talking in the background. “On speakerphone, please. I don’t want anyone keeping secrets.” 

Ooh, we’ll need to be careful we don’t tell her anything too dangerous, he thought, recognising the tone. She wanted to know what kind of threat the wormhole posed so she could close it if they needed to. On the surface, that sounded like a good idea, but until he knew the TARDIS was on her way, he needed the wormhole to stay open.

The Doctor paced under the suns. “Malcolm, something’s not making sense here. I’ve got a storm and a wormhole, and I can’t help thinking there’s a connection. I need a complete full range analysis of that wormhole. The whole thing.” 

“Well, I’ve probably got the wrong idea, but I’ve wired up an integrator. I thought it could measure the energy signature.” 

“No. No, no, no, no, no.” The Doctor rubbed at his forehead. “That’ll never work. Listen.” 

Malcolm continued as if he hadn’t spoken. “It’s quite extraordinary, though. I’m measuring an oscillation of fifteen Malcolms per second.”

The Doctor stopped pacing. “Fifteen what?”

“Fifteen Malcolms. It’s my own little term. A wavelength parcel of ten kilohertz operating in four dimensions equals one Malcolm.”

The Doctor’s jaw dropped slightly. “You named a unit of measurement after yourself?”

“I’m more impressed that he could measure in four dimensions,” Rose pointed out.

“Is that Rose Tyler? You’re both there?” 

Rose blinked. “Yeah, we’re both here.” 

“Oh, my goodness!” Malcolm breathed. “Both of you! I never thought…” 

“I’m the one impressed, Malcolm,” Rose said, bringing him back to the point at hand. “You managed to measure something in four dimensions?”

“Well yes,” he said, sounding matter-of-fact. “And yes I did name it after myself,” he added, answering the Doctor’s question. “It didn’t do Mr. Watt any harm after all. Furthermore, one hundred Malcolms equals a Bernard.” 

The Doctor sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “And who’s that, your dad?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. That’s Quatermass.”

Rose and Donna laughed, and the Doctor let out a breath on a long hiss. “Right. Fine. But before I die of old age, which in my case would be quite an achievement, so congratulations on that, is there anyone else I can talk to?” 

“No, no, no, no, but listen,” Malcolm said, a hint of desperation creeping into his voice. “I set the scanner to register what it can’t detect and inverted the image.”

The retort the Doctor had ready died on his lips. “You did what?”

There was an anxious pause. “Is that wrong?” Malcolm asked finally.

“No. Malcolm, that’s brilliant. So you can actually measure the wormhole. Okay. I admit that is genius.” 

Malcolm laughed giddily. “The Doctor called me a genius.” 

“I know. I heard,” Erisa said quellingly.

The Doctor cut in, wanting to get things on track. Time was running out. “Now, run a capacity scan. I need a full report. Call me back when you’ve done it.” His thumb moved to the end call button, but he paused for one last comment. “And Malcolm? You’re my new best friend.”

“And you’re mine too, sir.”

The Doctor ended the call and handed the phone back to Rose. 

“What was that all about, Spaceman?” Donna asked. “The Doctor, and read all your files, and we all want to meet you? They acted like you’re some kind of celebrity or something.” 

“Wellll… When you’re an alien who specialises in dealing with extraterrestrial threats, and you’ve spent centuries saving the Earth over and over again, you develop a bit of a reputation.” 

“Well Colonel Mace wasn’t that taken with you,” she rejoined. “You got no gushing the last time we met UNIT after all.”  

“Anyway! Rose and I are going to check out that storm. I want to get some images for Malcolm to analyse.”

“What do you want us to do?”

He gestured at the bus. “Keep working. Get the wheels dug out, the engine cleaned…” 

“Yeah, but why are we even bothering with the bus? Jenny will bring the TARDIS and we’ll all get home, easy peasy.”

“B-b-backup plan,” Lee answered.

The Doctor nodded. “Correctamundo!” He stuck out his tongue and screwed up his face. “Oh, I was never going to say that word again.”

Rose shook her head. “Come on, let’s get going. The sooner we get out there, the faster we can get back. I’m not keen on being on our own in the middle of a sand storm, or whatever it is.” 

The Doctor nodded, a hint of a smile on his face. “Allons-y, Rose Tyler.” 

oOoOo

Donna sighed as she watched the Doctor and Rose walk away. Realistically, she knew it made sense for her and Lee to stay at the bus and keep things going, but she didn’t like the feeling of sitting still when they were in danger. Plus…

“Well, are we going to keep working on the bus or are we going to stand around in the hot sun all day? Personally, I’d like to get back to Earth.”

Donna turned and glared at Christina. “Yeah, we’re going to work on the bus. We’ve got Lee and Barclay cleaning out the engine, I’m taking apart the seats, and Nathan is digging out the wheels. Angela’s helping Nathan until we’re ready to start the bus… Which leaves you, Lady Christina. How do you plan to help?”

Christina walked to the opposite side of the bus and rummaged in her pack. “Here, this might help when you get most of the sand out,” she said, handing Lee a small brush.

“Thank you.” Lee stuck the brush in his shirt pocket and helped Barclay pull the filter out of the engine.

Christina looked back at Donna, a smirk on her face. “Just doing what I can to help out,” she said blithely.

Donna was ready to snarl at her, but then the snobby aristocrat did something she did not expect. She sat down by the back wheel and pulled a gold cup out of her bag and started digging into the sand.

“What is that?” Donna shrieked.

Christina kept digging. “Just something I picked up earlier today.” 

Donna heard Lee stand up and walk over to her side. “That’s the cup of Æthelstan,” he said. “It’s been in the International Gallery for centuries, except for a brief period when it was…” His eyes narrowed. “When it was stolen.” 

Donna looked from Lee to the cup and back at Lee, then the pieces clicked. To Lee, the theft was history, but they were watching it happen in real time. 

Christina tossed another cupful of sand off to the side. “I like to think I liberated it.” 

“No no,” Donna said, rocking back on her heels. “Activists liberate zoo animals, and protesters might knick pillaged cultural works to take them home. You’re just a thief.” 

“Hang on,” Barclay said. “There were sirens chasing us earlier, when we were on the bus. They were after you, weren’t they?” 

Christina shrugged. “What can I say? The Metropolitan Police can’t get enough of me.” 

Donna wanted to snark that they’d get plenty of her as soon as they all got back to London and she was handed over to the police, but she had a strong suspicion that if she did, the lady would refuse to help them get home. 

“Right,” she muttered. “I don’t have time to stand around chatting. I have to get the seats taken apart.” 

Hacking away at the seats was the perfect outlet for her anger. After she’d gotten another seat back dismantled and handed it to Nathan, she felt calmer. 

She sat back and tried to smile at Carmen and Lou, but the older woman was gripping the seat in front of her and staring blankly ahead. 

“So fast and strong,” she murmured. “They ride the storm. They are the storm.”

Lou put his hand on his wife’s shoulder. “But what are they?” he asked. 

Carmen’s head snapped over to look at him. “They devour.” 

Donna tossed the axe onto the seat and sat down. “Oh, well that’s just lovely.” 

Carmen ignored her, still looking into space with that eerie, unseeing yet sees too much gaze. “There’s something new,” she said, her voice sharper. 

Donna jumped to her feet. Her first thought was to run after the Doctor and Rose, but she had no idea which direction they’d gone. 

A phone call will have to do.

oOoOo

Rose waved to Donna, then took off with the Doctor over the dunes. She grabbed his hand and swung it lightly, and glanced sideways at him. “Sooooo…” she said, with a lilt in her voice. “It sounds like I have some competition for the spot of the Doctor’s number one fan.” 

He pressed his tongue against the backs of his front teeth. “That was… interesting, wasn’t it?”

He hip checked her, and when Rose glanced up at him she recognised the smug smile. “But I’m not the only one with a fan club, it seems! Malcolm was just as excited to be talking to you as to me.” 

Rose felt her cheeks warm, but she gave the Doctor a smart nod and a saucy wink. “About time someone realises I’m not just your plus one.” 

From the top of the next dune, they had a view of the whole desert. The storm glittered ahead of them, and the Doctor filmed it with Rose’s phone. “I’m going to send this back to Earth and see if Malcolm can analyse that storm,” he said as he dropped the images into an email to UNIT. 

Rose squinted at the clouds. “Do you see the way those clouds are shining?” she said. “There’s something in there.”

“Like metal,” the Doctor agreed. “Why would there be metal in a storm?”

“Tornadoes pick up all kinds of debris,” Rose suggested.

“But where did it come from?” He held his arms out, indicating the sandy dunes surrounding them. “There’s not exactly a lot of metal lying around here.” He pursed his lips and stared at the storm. “No, there’s something else…” 

Rose jumped when her phone rang. “Hi, Donna. How are things on your end?”

“Not bad. We’ve got the wheels just about completely dug out. Even Lady Christina has been helping.” 

She took a breath, and Rose realised this wasn’t just a status update.

“Rose, listen. Carmen says there’s something new. I don’t know what that means, but I thought I should warn you.” 

Rose heard a clicking sound behind her, like the sound of the antennae of an insectoid clicking together. She turned slowly and stiffened when she found a giant fly, pointing a weapon directly at her.

“Thanks, but you’re a little late.”

“What? What do you mean?”

“Just keep working on the bus.” Rose pressed the end call button and slowly slid her phone back into her pocket. 

“Doctor.” 

“Hmmm?”

“Turn around.” 

“What?” He turned. “Oh. Well that’s a complication I hadn’t anticipated.”

Rose held her hands out in front of her and the Doctor copied her. She waited for him to speak, but when he did, it was in the clicks of the fly’s native tongue.

“You speak their language?” she asked, then quickly shook her head. Of course he did, and right now, he had to. Without the TARDIS on the planet, there was no way for the translation matrix to provide a direct translation to the alien.

I can help with that, the Doctor said, pulling Rose deeper into the bond.

The fly shook his head and his antennae bobbed. “We won’t wait. You will face justice now.”

Rose blinked again; now she could hear the clicks of the insect language and also telepathically hear the meaning from the Doctor. She appreciated being brought into the conversation, though it was disconcerting to hear it in two languages at once.

The Doctor turned his hands slowly so his palms faced the sky. “Before we face justice, could we have a chance to explain?”

Rose held her breath. There had to have been some kind of misunderstanding, but it was never a given that they’d be allowed to explain.

The alien rocked back on his heels, then swiftly gestured with the weapon. Rose and the Doctor turned and walked ahead of him, keenly aware the whole time that the weapon was pointed at their backs. 

oOoOo

Twenty minutes later, Rose’s legs were burning. “Remind me to add a beach workout to the routine,” she muttered to the Doctor. “Walking on sand is nothing like running on a hard surface.” 

His foot slipped and he skidded a few steps, his arms flailing. “Agreed,” he grunted once he caught his balance. 

But at the top of the next dune, they finally saw where they were going. Rose narrowed her eyes at the cruise liner, split almost in half on the sand. “Were they caught in the wormhole like us, do you think?” 

“Could be,” he agreed. “Their ship is even more damaged than the bus.” 

A knot tightened in Rose’s stomach. “Doctor, they said we’d face justice. What if they think we’re behind the wormhole?”

“Then we’ll have to convince them we aren’t.” 

Rose sighed in pleasure when they walked into the ship. “Oh, this feels brilliant,” she said, luxuriating in the feeling of the cold air on her skin after being fried by three suns for almost two hours.

“Mmm. The hull’s made of photafine steel. Turns cold when it’s hot. Boiling desert outside, freezing ship inside.”

“Able to regulate the temperature… Reminds me of someone I know.”  

The Doctor winked at her and narrowly missed running into a piece of tubing that was dangling from the ceiling. Rose shook her head. 

“Better watch we’re you’re going, Doctor.”

He ducked under the next piece of dangling broken spaceship. “Oh, this is beautiful.” 

“Yeah, it’s gorgeous,” Rose agreed. “Imagine what it must have looked like when it was intact.”

“Mm-hmm. A proper streamlined deep spacer.” 

They reached the bridge and met a second alien. Their captor walked around them and stood beside his crew mate. The newer alien tapped a round button on his jumpsuit and it turned purple.

Rose felt the Doctor relax.

“Oh, right, good. Yes. Hello,” he said, sounding considerably less on edge than he had. He nodded at the purple button and explained. “That’s a telepathic translator. He can understand us.” 

“Oh good. It didn’t feel fair that I could understand them but they couldn’t understand me.”

The aliens’ mandibles clicked, and Rose realised belatedly that admitting she’d been able to understand them the whole time might not be the best move. But instead of waving their weapons at her, they turned to each other and had a quick conversation, deciding who would do the talking.

The second alien, who they now knew was the captain, prevailed. “You have committed an act of violence against the Tritovore race,” he said, the Doctor still telepathically translating for Rose. “According to Article Fourteen of the Shadow Proclamation, we will claim justice against you for your crimes.”

The Doctor’s easy manner disappeared. “Now hold on—”

But the alien wasn’t finished detailing their crimes. “You came here in the two hundred to destroy us.” 

The Doctor blinked. He’d been getting truly upset, but that non sequitur threw him off. “Sorry, what’s the two hundred?”

“I think it’s the bus, Doctor. Must have been the two hundred line.”

“Oh.” He rocked back on his heels, processing that for a moment. “Oh! No, look. I think we’re having a bit of a misunderstanding. I’m the Doctor, by the way, and this is Rose. We got pulled through that wormhole. The two hundred doesn’t look like that normally. It’s broken, just the same as you.”

The aliens looked at each other. “They didn’t do it?”

“They didn’t do it,” the second agreed. Both of them lowered their weapons and relaxed their stance.

“Did they just… believe you?” Rose asked incredulously. “Just like that?”

The Doctor nodded. “That telepathic translator,” he explained. “It can tell if you’re telling the truth.” 

Rose’s eyes widened. “Might be nice if we could have a few of those to use on some people we meet.”

“Right!” The Doctor jogged over to the control panel. “So, first things first. There’s a very strange storm heading our way. Can you send out a probe?” he asked, scanning the panel for a button. 

The captain shook his head and waved his tentacles. “We lost power in the crash.”

“Oh.” Well, that explains why none of the panels are lit up. He leaned forward and listened, hoping to hear some kind of hum indicating the motor was still running. All he heard was a faint clicking sound. “Hmm, the crash knocked the mainline crystallography out of synch.” He straightened and grabbed a lever for leverage. “But if I can jiggle it back…” He kicked the ship and the panel lit up.

The Doctor grinned and rocked back on his heels. “I thank you,” he said smugly.

“You’re a genius!”

“Yes, I am. Frequently.” With the ship now running properly, his fingers danced over the controls. “Okey doke, let’s launch that probe.” 

Rose stepped forward and took his hand. “While we wait for the probe to reach the storm, maybe we can figure out where we are.” 

“Right you are, Rose.” The Doctor pulled up another panel and tapped in a command. A holographic image popped up in front of them, reminding the Doctor of the display at the Shadow Proclamation.

He recognised the splash of orange and red against the greens and blues. “The Scorpion Nebula. We’re on the other side of the universe.” The image zoomed in on the star system, then on a single planet. “The planet of San Helios.” 

Something about it seemed off to Rose, but she couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

Behind them, the Tritovores started talking again. “We came here to trade with San Helios. With a population of one hundred billion, they are a rich source of material for us to absorb.”

Rose glanced at them over her shoulder. “By material for them to absorb, they mean waste matter, don’t they?”

The Doctor nodded. “Yeah. They feed off what others leave behind from their behind.”

Rose wrinkled her nose. “Well, I guess they are flies.” 

The image on the screen switched to a picture of a bustling city with high rise buildings surrounded by green parks. 

“San Helios City,” the Doctor told her .

Rose slid her hand into his. I love exploring new worlds with you.

He hummed happily in the back of his throat and squeezed her hand. Oh yes.

They watched the video overview of the city, high rise buildings surrounded by so many green parks. Rose narrowed her eyes, and she finally realised what had seemed off about the planet. 

“Yeah… it’s a bit green for a desert planet, isn’t it?” the Doctor agreed. “Could just be that we’re on another continent, but there was a lot of blue and green on that planet.

“Let’s see if my hunch is right…” The Doctor pulled up another control screen and slid a map on screen, next to the picture. He typed in his query, and a red dot appeared in the middle of the map.

Behind them, the aliens clicked in agreement. 

“So… San Helios city,” he said, trying to sound nonchalant. “We’re in it right now.”

Rose stared at the picture, at the beautiful buildings, and she said the first thing that came to mind. “Well, I guess we know where that storm got the metal.”

“Ooh, good point Rose!” The Doctor slid over the image of the city and opened the meta data. “And this picture was only taken last year. Whatever caused the city to turn to dust, it happened fast.” 

Rose’s mind immediately went to Carmen. “All those people… they left a psychic imprint when they died, didn’t they? That’s what Carmen is hearing.”

The Doctor nodded. “She’s hearing them die.” He knelt down and picked up some of the sand. “I said there was something in the sand. The city, the oceans, the mountains, the wildlife, and a hundred billion people turned to sand.” 

Rose stared at the sand trickling through the Doctor’s fingers. “So that picture of the planet… it’s not that we’re on another continent, is it?”

“Nope. Something destroyed the whole of San Helios.” 

The cheerful jingle of Rose’s mobile ringing disrupted the solemn atmosphere that had fallen over them. “Hello?”

“Hi Mum.” 

Rose’s stomach tensed; Jenny sounded stressed. “Hi Jenny, what’s up?”

The long, slow breath before Jenny answered didn’t ease Rose’s tension. “We’re almost to London, but traffic’s picked up a bit. And by a bit, I mean a lot.”

Tension flowed both ways over the bond, and Rose knew the Doctor had heard. Rose rubbed at her forehead. “Where exactly are you?” she asked.

“We just passed the turning for the M25.” 

Rose pursed her lips and nodded. They were almost to Chiswick then, but with traffic who knew how long it would take them to get to the TARDIS?

Her phone beeped with another incoming call. Rose glanced at the display quickly before putting the phone back to her ear. “Listen, Jenny, we’ve got another call. Just… get the TARDIS here as quickly as you can, okay?”

She didn’t wait to hear Jenny’s acknowledgement before handing the phone to the Doctor. “Unknown caller. Probably Malcolm.”

He grabbed it and accepted the call. “Malcolm, tell me the bad news,” he said without preamble. Between what they’d learned about the planet and Jenny’s call, there was no way Malcolm had good news.

“Oh, you are clever,” Malcolm breathed. “It is bad news. It’s the wormhole, Doctor. It’s getting bigger. We’ve gone way past one hundred Bernards. I haven’t invented a name for that.” 

The Doctor rubbed his eyes. A wavelength parcel traveling in four dimensions at more than 100,000 kilohertz per second… The damage that could do was massive. “How can it get bigger by itself?” he asked.

“Well, that’s why I’m phoning,” Malcolm said matter-of-factly. “You’ll work it out, if I know you, sir.” 

The Doctor’s hearts thudded painfully at the amount of trust Malcolm was placing in him. Now he had to not only get everyone on the bus back to Earth, he also had to save the planet… again.

Erisa cut into his musings. “Doctor, we estimate the circumference of your invisible wormhole is now… four miles heading upwards. I’ve grounded all flights above London. We can’t risk anyone else falling through.”

The Doctor nodded; excellent thought. “Good work, both of you.”

“But I have to know.” 

He tensed; he knew what question was coming next.

“Does that wormhole constitute a danger to this planet?” 

Rose’s phone beeped halfway through Erisa’s question. The Doctor sighed in relief.

“Oh, sorry. Call waiting. Got to go.” He accepted the second call. “Yeah?”

“Doctor, it’s Donna. We’ve got everything ready, but—”

“It’s my fault,” Angela sobbed in the background. 

The Doctor could faintly hear Nathan trying to console her, but it didn’t sound like he was having much success. 

“What’s wrong, Donna?”

“Well, you wouldn’t happen to know where the nearest petrol station is, would you?”

The Doctor pinched the bridge of his nose and started pacing. “You kept starting the engine, hoping it would turn over, and you ran out of petrol.” 

“Yeah.” 

He stared out at the sand that had once been the vibrant San Helios City. They had to get off this planet, the faster the better. Jenny was stuck in traffic trying to get to the TARDIS, and their backup plan had just fallen apart.

“We’re on our way.” But as the Doctor slid Rose’s phone into his jacket pocket, he had no idea what they would do once they got there.

[ao3feed-doctorxrose]

Pink in the Night

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/C3M0yEs

by kcchameleon

The scene we all wanted to see if that bloody Dalek hadn't rudely interrupted Rose and the Doctor's reunion in Stolen Earth.

Words: 2472, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who

Rating: General Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings

Categories: F/M

Characters: Tenth Doctor (Doctor Who), Rose Tyler, Donna Noble, The Doctor (Doctor Who)

Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler, The Doctor (Doctor Who)/Rose Tyler

Additional Tags: Reunions, Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Reunion, The Doctor/Rose Tyler Reunion, The Doctor Loves Rose Tyler, POV Tenth Doctor, Fluff, Feelings Realization, Love Confessions, First Kiss, First Real Kiss, Rewrite, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, slight AU, unbetaed, no beta we die like jack (but then we come back ;) ), Giving into feelings, Sweet, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Song: Pink in the Night (Mitski), I Wrote This While Listening to Mitski's Music, Inspired by a Mitski Song

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/C3M0yEs

[pennamesmith]

What if I told you there’s a classic Doctor Who episode where the Doctor creates three friendly Daleks with the capacity to love and names them Alpha, Beta, and Omega.

[nvzwho]

i will absolutely never understand how a character can exist for 40 years and barely exist or be defined when theyre seemingly crucial to a main character's whole thing.

Exactly! Like the fundamental problem with Ace is that she's not a reliable narrator - she exaggerates and evades and is incredibly resistant to accepting fault even when she's talking to someone directly. And then you have this Definitive Relationship for her which... we only ever hear about from Ace and, rarely, other characters. Here's what we know for sure about Audrey:

She lost her father as a baby during WWII.

She was running with the mods by the 1960's (when she was 20), rebelling against her mother and going by the name 'Alex'. This is revealed in a story that has NOTHING to do with Ace (this is a story focused on Susan, which I've mentioned) and is still the only direct characterization we get from Audrey. Ever. During this period she had a boyfriend named Franko, who was taken over by the Daleks.

She married Ace's father (Harry McShane) relatively early, went back to going by Audrey, and had Ace at 27. Around this time she met the Seventh Doctor, who was using the opportunity to apologize to an infant Ace for... well, the usual.

She cried for days after getting the news of her mother's death. This made a strong enough impression on a toddler Ace that she remembered it for decades.

She cheated on Ace's father with his best friend around the time of her second pregnancy (which also lines up with her grieving the death of her mother, so...), and after her son was born, Harry left Audrey and took his son with. Not legal custody, straight up kidnapping. Ace did not find out about her brother's existence until 1997.

Her next romance (depending on if you count the NVAs as canon) was with someone who previously fell in love with Ace during an adventure. No, I don't know how it's not supposed to be weird being the rebound after your daughter.

At some point, Audrey dies of cancer. Ace only found out about this thanks to being at the Time Lord academy and getting the warning 'don't do anything about it'.

And that's it. That's Audrey's complete history. Her only onscreen appearance is as a baby, her only audio appearances are fleeting - related to the NVA story or as a hallucination, except for the Shoreditch Intervention, which again, has her interacting with Susan rather than Ace or the Doctor. Everything is is stuff that Ace tells us and... well, Ace exaggerates and simplifies, often in the direction of absolving herself of culpability. Without actually having an interaction with Audrey as she was during Ace's life or afterwards, there's no way to actually gauge if she's an awful person or just one who's fucked up and perpetuating a broken family cycle. I'm inclined to the latter given that our one bit of solid characterization puts her as the Beta Version of Ace.

[crinosg]

You might think its overkill to use a batallion of heavily armed beta version Daleks as your Mall security, but again recall this is the Reagan years. If anything these things are a soft touch.

[swimmingcreatortyrant]

Based on "Doctor Who" meme

[thetardisisnotourdivision]

I was watching Evil of the Daleks and I got to the bit where Jamie and the Doctor are arguing in episode 5 and honestly? I don't ship them exactly (like I do but I don't at the same time) but that was textbook couple argument. The Doctor goes to put his arm round Jamie and he says "Don't touch me"? Classic. The "You and me, we're finished"? Absolutely spot on. Absolutely textbook angsty otp argument in fanfic. Idk if this is like funny to you lot but I laughed so hard when I first heard.