#dai li tortured lu ten

[mugentakeda]

SOME EXTRA STUFF I FORGOT TO ADD IN THE NOTES i pulled an all nighter and im completely insane my bad

-the bandage face look is inspired by killer from one piece (specifically his wano look)!!!! lots of one piece inspiration in my atla art I KNOWWWWW. its mental illness i cant help it

-the "pseudo father-son dynamic" i speak of is one half of two parts of their dynamic. long feng balances "parent-child" with "boss-bodyguard" equally, because that balance will keep lu ten exactly how long feng wants him to be: 1. professionally subservient in the way a student should be with their master, easier to accept harsh punishments without severing the trust or making lu ten afraid of long feng. being reprimanded by your boss is different and more disconnected than being reprimanded by your parent. 2. the father-son parts are what keep the leash short, and what keep lu ten a practiced, steady, few paces behind long feng, willingly. in that way, long fengs thought process is kind of similar to ozais- except he actually does reward lu ten with affection rather than dangling it over his head like ozai does with azula and zuko. the easily given affection is (unsurprisingly) more effective than dangling it over his head.

(if i HAD to compare it to anything, id say silco and jinx, but like. if silco was just horrible and evil. because he actually did love jinx. but when long feng and lu ten are casual and shit on any other thursday afternoon, think silco and jinx esque.)

-specific dai li agents are trained to perform the brainwashing, but long feng has a secret group of actual scientists that come up with the shit and improve on it. the head scientist has a weird rivalry with long feng despite being loyal to him, mostly because he knows that if lu ten poses a true danger to long feng then long feng will just dispose of him, and the head scientist sees lu ten as the teams proudest work that continues to shine. pieces of work like that dont deserve to just get tossed out like trash.

-the "punishments" are basically just torture that long feng has successfully warped lu ten into seeing as tests of endurance. they gradually get worse and more creative as time goes on, even if the mistake this time wasnt as bad as the last one. eventually lu ten is basically just waking up the next day for work at the ass crack of dawn after surviving a saw trap the night before. and mind you this went on for 6 years. lu tens Least reoccurring favorite is probably The Hook. there are Many reasons why iroh would be so out of his mind over all of this

-lu tens brainwashing does a falter at the first sight of iroh. The reason in the comic why lu ten even showed up was because the firebender in him sensed their inner flame, and followed them, but ended up doing a double take when he actually Saw his dad. i think what would actually be the first big crack in the glacier of shit in his head would be long feng trying to attack zuko, because thats instinct that his body and heart know and always will, even if his brain doesnt.

-im still at loss for how id approach the azula part of this??? i hc that azula was VERY close with lu ten. like close as in he changed her diapers more than ursa, inspired her and continues to inspire her, etc. i think azula would actually kill long feng for this if iroh didnt already beat him to death in any case which would be very awesome of her but who knows. im not a fic writer

i saw fanart for this age old unfinished fic and was so interested by the premise that i simply HAD to give the concept my own spin.... Ill put my notes under the cut cus it got kinda long lol

-FIRST OF ALL. i headcanon lu ten as a powerful firebender (like, lightning bending powerful. not an expert at it yet, but can generate it at will. only recently picked it up before the siege.) that can Also use a weapon. he picked it up for funsies and ended up taking it seriously and then excelling. he learned under piandao and in turn later introduced him to zuko. His weapon that he made with piandao was a more traditional jogekama yari, which he had on him when he was captured. long feng destroyed it and had a new jogekama yari made for lu ten in a more sleek earth kingdom style, with longer and more savage blades. **ALSO: lu tens jogekama yari is based on saras yari from samurai champloo!!!! i just made the side blades curved in opposite directions (which made it a jogekama instead of saras type of yari) -lu ten does not interact with the other agents. whether brainwashed or amnesic in this, hes not even one of the secret police that go around arresting people. hes a lone agent that works Directly under long feng and is more of an assassin and spy thats permitted in and out of ba sing se for the missions and jobs long feng sends him on, unlike the rest of the agents. as a gift for his (made up) birthday, long feng gave him a hand carved stone earring. Yes, its a tracker. yes, lu ten knows that. No, he doesn't care and wears it anyway. his boss can do what he wants, and he trusts his boss with his life (lol). the other dai li agents know of lu tens existence, less have seen him with their own eyes, none are permitted to speak to him if they do. they dont know hes a "nonbender". -i havent decided on whether or not i want lu ten brainwashed in this or simply amnesic?? it would be neat if he was the brainwash soft launch since the ba sing se conspiracy brainwashing only started After the siege. lu ten is a firebender, has that fn royalty brand iron willpower, so youd think thats hard to brainwash especially if he was the soft launch, but if long feng kept up the sessions regularly over the course of 6-ish years (and as their brainwashing techniques improved), id doubt it would rub off. its a seven layer salad of brainwashing. and even if he was amnesic rather than brainwashed, theyd still need to do some adjustments in lu tens head to TOTALLY wipe out any idea of firebending, on top of regular chi blocking. -as for the amnesic part, i read a theory that introduced the idea that lu ten being killed was an inside job orchestrated by ozai. which i dont think would be canon, but it would be pretty cool?? like especially considering how FAST he jumped on azulon about heirs. very suspicious indeed. and all too convenient: have a group of moles set in irohs army, once lu ten moves out away from iroh then corner him, kill him, make it look like the earth army did it, sneak back to the fire nation, ozai gets the crown. easy as pie. -and to combine one of MY OWN aus with the above, aka the one where zhao and lu ten were both taught together under jeong jeong, the first time that zhao REALLY made a big move into ozais pocket was offering to be the head mole in irohs army. it made perfect sense to ozai, and he gladly sent zhao on his way- him being close rivals with him will catch him off guard and make the job far easier. and if zhao succeeds, and KEEPS succeeding, when ozai undoubtedly snatches the crown, he will grant zhao all the rewards and titles he could ever want until the cows come home. snazzy deal.

so whichever one of those you guys find cooler will be the one i go with because frankly both of them have the same amount of fun angst and drama idk......................

-as for lu tens face and arm, i base that off how i think lu ten died, not even gna lie. in the case where he is dead i think half his skull got crushed open and his arm was blown right off from the bicep. the stitches are just for aesthetic purposes. i was inspired by how scars are drawn in one piece, and because they give a "frankensteins monster" type look, which i found fitting, since this is a 'came back wrong' trope/winter soldier-esque au. the bandages covering his face was a suggestion from an anxious long feng to hide his face in public, while the ba sing se conspiracy was still fresh and the citizens might recognize the spawn of the dragon of the west if they looked long enough.

-as for lu ten and long fengs relationship, i havent thought about it enough, but im definitely imagining smthn along the lines of "you were always working for me, i picked you up and trained you when you had nothing, you owe me your life and loyalty", mixed with some gentle stockholm syndrome. like, a combination of "the king and his most loyal guard dog", a very strange psuedo father-son relationship??? (which was honestly accidental on long fengs part. but he kept it up because he found the irony amusing. yes he will try and rub that in irohs face. yes iroh will beat his skull in for it. its chill)

-this has nothing to do with the au but please see iroh and zukos body language in the third panel of the comic... i love to portray them as protective of each other... zukos blade placed before iroh, irohs arm switching from shoulder to shoulder as zuko turns, always placed between him and whatever is approaching... Heurghhh (GRIPS HEAD

[electronswrites]

So, dark Lu Ten AU: suppose Zuko needs to seek out the gang for medical help, but blah blah honor etc. How about he feels he needs to bring something to show them he's serious, and decides that injured, traumatized, in severe pain and extremely emotionally compromised is the perfect state of mind to go rescue a sky bison for them.

I feel this is on a par with his canon decision making levels, and has the potential to make things Even Worse.

This is exactly the kind of bad decision making Zuko is known/loved for! Yes! He would do this!

So Zuko manages to get back in. We love one stubborn boi. He gets to the chamber where he knows Appa is. The blisters are tormenting him. The pain is indescribable.

Zuko tries to break the chains. He can do this. He KNOWS he can do this. He's done it before. He's just so tired. Even swinging the sword is so painful.

He collapses onto a pile of fur. He tries to get back up, but he can't. He just... can't.

The Dai Li find him there. They take him away for brainwashing. Zuko doesn't even struggle against the light. He doesn't have the energy.

Some time later, after the GAang has freed Appa on their own and invaded the Earth Palace, they end up fighting the Earth King's personal bodyguard, Lee. Once the whole reveal of Long Feng goes down, the GAang tell the Earth King that his "bodyguard" is actually a brainwashed prince. Sokka thinks they should leave him like that, but he's outvoted.

Katara, alarmed by the new burn scars, attempts to heal Zuko like she did Jet. It... doesn't work. Jet's true self had been fighting to make himself known. Zuko is hiding under Lee. Katara tries to coax him out, but he doesn't want to return.

They're kind of stuck on what to do with him. Lee is extremely friendly and helpful. They start to become attached to him. He's terrified of fire, but that's relatable.

When Azula begins her coup, she locks up Lee separately from Katara. She also sends gaurds to arrest Iroh and Lu Ten. Azula wants to know what's going on, so she sticks Lu Ten and "Lee" in a cell together to observe their interactions.

"Lee" has no idea who Lu Ten is, but that doesn't matter for very long. Lee is terrified of fire. He's terrified of burns. His terror has only just begun.

Lu Ten can't do too much physical damage before Azula steps in and decides to sperate them. There's not much to learn from watching Zuko be senselessly tortured. Still, he's a blubbering mess when Azula decides to try the same strategy but with Iroh.

Iroh has been looking for Zuko since he vanished, but his relief at having found him is outweighed by his horror at the state of him. Worst of all, Zuko doesn't know who Iroh is, or even who he, himself, is. Zuko backs himself into a corner as far from Iroh as possible.

"Zuko-"

"I'm not Zuko! Please! I don't know who Zuko is! I'm Lee. Go burn him, not me! Please, please, just leave me alone. I'm Lee. I'm Lee."

Iroh assumes the fresh burns are from Azula, but... there are old ones too. "How long have you been Azula's captive?" She must have been in Ba Sing Se longer than Iroh thought.

"Who's Azula?"

"She's the princess, the one who locked you up. Zuko, she's your sister. You must try to remember her. You must remember who you are."

The GAang does rescue Lee, eventually. They rescue Iroh, too. Iroh begs them to help his nephew, but they've tried. Zuko doesn't WANT to remember who he is.

Even as he helps them fight the Fire Nation, he refuses to accept that he is a prince of that same nation. He assures everyone they've mixed him up with someone else. Lee is Lee. He's not Zuko. How could he be?

Zuko is weak and pathetic. Zuko is untrustworthy and treacherous. He's vile and evil. He's disgusting and unlovable. Lee isn't any of those things. How could he be Zuko?

General Iroh, what's wrong? I didn't mean to upset you. I'm just stating facts that everyone knows. Do you need a healer? Why are you crying?

[babymetaldoll]

DIWK - Chapter thirteen: "Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new"

Words count: 16,5K

Summary: Spencer's headaches don't seem to have a logical explanation. The only thing that makes sense is that he has been causing them to himself by overthinking something that's already clear: he has been an asshole, and he should tell reader how he feels. Reader realizes she's been stupid all along. And then, she goes out with James. Frank, Lu, Garcia, and Derek finally intervene.

Warnings: Cursing (but that's just my writing style), angst, hurt, and a little comfort from friends. There's a fight, alcohol consumption. Someone is getting drunk...

A/N: Ok, so... here we go!

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen |

Words count: 16,5K

Summary: Spencer's headaches don't seem to have a logical explanation. The only thing that makes sense is that he has been causing them to himself by overthinking something already clear: he has been an asshole, and he should tell reader how he feels. Reader realizes she's been stupid all along. Will she go out with James? Frank, Lu, Garcia, and Derek finally intervene.

Warnings: Cursing (but that's just my writing style), angst, hurt, and a little comfort from friends. There's a fight, alcohol consumption. Someone is getting drunk...

A/N: Ok, so... things are slowly but surely happening here.

---

Spencer's point of view

- "That doesn't make any sense!"- I nearly lost it at my medical appointment. To be fair, I was losing my sanity for the last week, but that day, that minute, I have had enough.

- "I'm not sure what you want me to say,"- the doctor frowned, confused by my reaction.

- "So there's nothing wrong?"

- "Well, your scans are perfectly normal, and there doesn't seem to be any physical explanation for your headaches."

- "Well, what do I do now?"- I was lost. I was hoping he could tell me there was something physically wrong with me that we could fix. But apparently, everything was ok.

- "Well, have you considered..."

- "Considered what?"- I knew what he was implying, but I didn't want to deal with that. The doctor sighed and simply just said it.

- "A psychosomatic cause."

- "Psychosomatic?"

- "It just means mental or emotional stress..."

I had to cut the doctor right there, 'cos it was nearly insulting that he thought he needed to explain to me what that meant.

- "I know what psychosomatic means, doctor, but it's not that."

- "Well, I think it's something we should consider."

- "It's not... I'm not crazy!"- but yes, I was going a little crazy at the time.

- "Crazy? Dr. Reid, I'm not saying..."- the professional stared at me, shocked, as I put on my satchel and stood up.

- "I have headaches. I have intense sensitivity to light because there's something wrong with me physically, not mentally. It's not that."

- "That?"

- "Listen, doctor, my mother's a paranoid schizophrenic who's been institutionalized, so I know very well what mental illness looks like, maybe even better than you, and it's not that. It's not."

I walked to the door, but before I could leave or dramatically storm out, the doctor added one more thing.

- "Your headaches are more likely caused by stress due, I suspect, to your very consuming job. My recommendation is to take a few weeks off and have a real vacation. Disconnect from work, and relax. That's all."

The doctor seemed genuinely concerned, so I just nodded and walked out. My head was killing me, and to be honest, I wasn't thinking straight.

It was Thursday. My head was killing me. I hadn't spoken more than a handful of words with (Y/N) since last Friday, and to call it torture came short. It was consuming my whole life at that point. I hadn't slept more than maybe three hours that entire week. After we reached home from Miami, I focused on the paperwork and whatever request for information that crossed my desk.

But I wasn't blind, neither deaf nor stupid. No, I was stupid for wasting so many chances I had in almost five years to tell (Y/N) how much I loved her. Now I was doomed to look at her from a safe distance, as she enjoyed life with her new boyfriend. James.

I first heard his name Wednesday morning when a delivery boy showed up at the bullpen, asking for (Y/N). Everybody looked at her, and she blushed as she raised her hand, and the delivery boy gave her a small box and asked her to sign for the package.

- "What is that, pretty girl?"- Morgan asked when the delivery was gone, and he walked over to see what was into the box.

- "I have no idea... but it passed security, so I know it's not a bomb"- she chuckled and opened it.

- "Wow! Did you send her these, kid?"- Morgan looked at me chuckling, but as soon as he saw my serious expression, he frowned, confused.

- "This is incredible!"- it was the whole Jane Austen collection in a deluxe edition. It was gorgeous. She obviously loved it. And it came with a card.

- "Can't wait 'till Friday night. James"- Emily read out loud as (Y/N) stared at the box, blushing- "Ok missy, you have some explaining to do!"

But I didn't stick around to hear the rest of the story. I didn't need the torture. So I stood up and walked to the kitchenette to get another cup of coffee. And then I hid in the briefing room because I needed to be on my own for a while. I sat at the table and stared at my hands, trying to remain calm. I couldn't cry at work. I shouldn't show my true feelings when my friends were around. I didn't want them asking a million questions I didn't want to answer with the truth.

- "Sorry, man,"- Morgan said as he walked in and sat at the other side of the table- I thought you had sent her those books 'cos you have been acting all weird lately, and you were trying to get on her good side

- "Don't worry"- I tried to look cool and even smiled at Morgan, but he knew better than that.

- "So... how are you?"

- "I'm ok, you?"- I was annoyed already, but I knew there was no way out from that conversation

- "Kid, come on. You can talk to me."

- "There is nothing I wanna talk about right now. I am ok!"- I stood up and walked around the room, frustrated and trying not to yell.

- "Come on, Reid. It's getting painful to watch! You have to tell her how you feel!"- Derek stood up too, and I widened my eyes at his words, scared everybody downstairs might have heard us. I looked at the door; it was locked.

- "I don't want to talk about that now."

- "Man! Come on!"- but I passed by his side and ignored him, opening the door and basically running back to my desk.

From where I could clearly see (Y/N) blushing and staring at her books. Great.

That day went painfully slow. By the time I reached my apartment, I was exhausted both mentally and emotionally. My head was killing me, and all I wanted was to get under the covers of my bed with a book, a cup of herbal tea and make a massive effort to get some sleep.

Apparently, I was asking for too much. Ten minutes after my arrival, my bell rang, forcing my weary body to move from the couch to the door. Sadly, it wasn't (Y/N), the only person I wanted to see that minute. Instead, it was Ashley, and I had to pretend and smile when I saw her.

- "Hey! Am I interrupting something?"- she asked with a cheerful smile as she stood by the door and showed me a paper bag- I got some extra dumplings, and I thought you might like to share

- "Thank you, Ashley... but I already ate."- I lied and watched her leave the box on my table and take a look around- "Wait, where did you get my address?"

- "It's on the system."- she answered casually, and I frowned, thinking there had to be a better way to keep our information classified if we were FBI agents. Not that I didn't want Ashley to know where I lived, but... I just didn't want her there.

- "And what were you doing?"

- "Getting... really to bed, actually. I am weary."

- "And... Do you need any help?"- Ashley stood closer to me and smiled mischievously. I cleared my throat, feeling awkward and even a little embarrassed with her proposal.

- "No, thank you, I'm ok."

But she didn't get the hint. Instead, she ran her tongue through her lips very slowly and rested her hands on my hips. My whole body aches at that touch. Not because I craved more, but because it made me feel nervous and uneasy. I didn't want her to touch me, but I didn't want to be rude.

- "You know, Spence, (Y/N) has a boyfriend now, and she definitely moved on with her life. Maybe you should start thinking about doing the same."

- "I'm sorry?"- I frowned as I stared at her silly grin. She thought she was flirting, but instead, she was actually hurting me.

- "I saw her Friday with Anderson's friend. She seemed to be having a great time. Maybe it's time you have fun too."- she leaned in and tried to kiss me, but I took three steps back and shook my head right away.

- "No, Ashley, it's not like that,"- she frowned, confused, and blushed, embarrassed immediately.

-" What? But I thought you... I thought you liked me."

- "I'm sorry, Ashley, but..."- I hesitated in my answer, trying to find the right ways to reject her. I had never rejected anyone before in my entire life. I have never been lucky with girls at all.

- "But what? You don't want me?"

No. I didn't want her. Not even a little. Not even at all. But I couldn't tell her that just upfront. I had to sugarcoat it. I didn't want to hurt her, though. She wasn't a bad person. Just... Not the right person for me.

- "I'm sorry, Ashley. I am sure you are an amazing woman, and any man would be glad to..."

- "Not any man, Spencer. You! I want you!"- but I just shook my head and sighed.

- "I'm sorry."

That was all I managed to answer. Her cheeks kept blushing, and somehow, her eyes were tearing up too. I remembered (Y/N) once told me that she would involuntarily cry every time she was upset, which always made her feel weak. I thought I could tell Ashley crying was totally normal when one's upset. But instead, I just stayed quiet.

- "You know, she is with someone else now. So she clearly doesn't want you, Spencer. Why are you waiting for her?"

I could tell she meant to hurt me, but she couldn't do it. Why? I guess because I knew she didn't understand (Y/N) and me. She tried to make it seem like (Y/N) had ruined everything, but I knew it had been me. There was no one else to blame but me.

- "I don't wanna fight with you, Ashley,"- I whispered and shook my head- And I don't want to talk about (Y/N) with you.

- "She doesn't love you, Spencer,"- that we both agreed on.

- "She has nothing to do with what's going on right here. I don't wanna have anything but a professional relationship with you, Ashley. I'm sorry if you had any other thoughts about us, but it's not gonna happen. Not tonight, not ever. And not because of (Y/N)."

Ashley gave me a stern look. Her chin quivered, but she didn't flinch. Instead, she grabbed the food she had brought and walked to the door.

- "You are gonna regret this, Spencer!!"- she yelled and stormed out of my apartment, slamming the door.

But no matter what, I knew I wouldn't. I wasn't going to regret rejecting her that night.

(Y/N)'s point of view

I stared at the books James had sent me and sighed. I was home alone on a Wednesday night, staring at a bunch of books on my coffee table. They were unique, gorgeous, and clearly expensive. But they meant nothing compared to the one sitting at their side: Spencer's edition of the Illustrated Man. It was old, had many notes on the sides, and the corner of the pages had been folded... primarily by me.

I sipped my glass of wine and sighed. I missed Spencer. I didn't want to go out with James. I wasn't interested in him at all. I just liked the attention I got from him, mostly 'cos I knew he had a crush on me... because Anderson had pointed it out as soon as he told me about him.

Tears fell down my cheeks as I ran my fingers through Spencer's book. I missed him. But he was with Ashley now. So I had to move on. I didn't want to, though. I just wanted him. I could almost see him there, on the couch, laughing. I could hear his laughter as we played board games. His current favorite was Monopoly Gamer Mario Kart, and he really enjoyed winning. He could get all cocky as he got all my coins.

Everywhere I looked around in my apartment reminded me of Reid. It was just the books, his cardigan on my couch, the umbrella he had left two years ago, and that belonged in my place now. It was just the pictures of him on the walls, memories of trips, dinners, Christmas, parties with Lu, Frank, and Mikey. It was literally everything. My apartment screamed Spencer Reid because he was the person I had shared the most amazing times with there.

On that kitchen island, we had carved pumpkins every Halloween for the last four years. On that table, he served the first meal he ever prepared from scratch. On that couch, we forgot about all our phobias and cuddled for countless hours.

My whole life was about Spencer Reid. How was I ever going to move on from him? How was I ever going to love someone the way I loved him?

I sobbed and just then realized I was crying my heart out. I held my legs, wrapping my arms around them, and rocked back and forth for a few minutes. I was losing my mind, and the only thing that made sense was crying until there were no more years left inside of me.

When the phone rang, I had a headache. I always get one after I cry. I prayed it wasn't a case 'cos I wasn't really sober after drinking a whole bottle of wine, crying, on the floor. Literally, on the floor. But it wasn't Penelope with a case. It was Frank, and he could tell from the very first moment that something was wrong.

- "Nugget, are you ok?"

- "Yeah, Paco, why?"- I slurred and cursed. I was busted.

- "Why are you drunk?"

- "Because I got home after a horrible day and decided to drown my fucking bad mood in chardonnay. Guess what? The shitty bastard keeps floating, but I am not giving up!"

Frank chuckled with my drunken words. I heard him light a cigarette and walk around somewhere I figured was his apartment.

- "And what is the doc doing?"

- "What the fuck do I know?"- my voice didn't hide the hurt I felt, but I forgot Frank had no idea what was happening between Spencer and me.

- "Doc isn't there?"

- "No, we are no longer tied by the hip."

- "Ok, nugget, what the fuck is going on?"

- "Spencer has a girlfriend."

- "What?!"- I nearly dropped my phone, 'cos Frank yelled into my ear after hearing my reply.

- "Yeah, Spencer Walter Reid has a girlfriend. So if you wanna know about him, you should call fucking agent trainee Seaver, who is probably training his cock right now!!"

I grabbed my glass and finished what was left of the wine. I knew I had another bottle in the fridge, but it was just Wednesday, I still might be called in for a case, and I still had to get up early in the morning to go to work. Getting drunk wasn't the answer. But... I wasn't asking any questions either. So I stood up slowly and walked to the kitchen to grab the bottle.

- "No, nugget. There's no way you are telling me the truth!"

- "Why should I lie? Spencer has a girlfriend. Her name is Ashley."

- "(Y/N), Doc has been in love with you for years! There's no way he has a girlfriend!!"- I put the phone on speaker and left it on the counter to open the cold bottle of wine and pour myself another glass.

- "Can you all people stop saying Spencer is in love with me?!"- tears filled my eyes as I shouted and hit the table- "I know he is not! And that's why I feel like shit!"

- "Ok, nugget... calm down. Are you home?"

- "Yes... can you come over?"

- "I'm sorry, I'm out of town. I came to New York for a job interview."

- "What?! When? Why?"

- "'Cos I thought maybe it was time for a new challenge..."- my heart stopped with those words, and Frank knew it- "But don't worry, I didn't get it. You won't get rid of me so easily, nugget."

- "Good, 'cos I don't want any more changes. I can't deal with any more things changing... I don't like it..."

- "Ok, nugget, I am a little worried now, so I'm going to call Lu and ask her to go to your house, ok?"

- "No, please don't"- I closed my eyes, feeling the room spinning as soon as I did- "I can tell I had a little too much to drink already, so I'll finish this glass, and I'll go to bed."

- "Are you sure?"- I knew Frank was worried, and the last thing I wanted was to be a burden for my friends.

- "Definitely."

- "Ok... what if we do something this weekend?"

- "Sure! I'll be free... if no psychopath decides to ruin our fun again."- Frank chuckled, and I took another sip of my wine.

- "Ok, sounds like a plan. Now please go to bed, and whatever you do, don't do any fucking phone call while you are under the influence."

- "I don't drink and call, Paco. Trust me,"- he chuckled one more time, his laughter bringing a smile to my lips 'cos it too damn contagious not to smile, and then, we said goodnight.

I looked around my kitchen. Nothing but memories with Spencer in there too. I could almost see him sitting at the other side of the kitchen island, sipping his coffee, giving me food facts as I cooked. The only fact I was sure about at that point was that if I wanted to move on from Spencer, I was going to have to move out of that place. Actually, I would have to move cities, states, probably countries. Because I knew everything reminded me of Reid.

But that night, for once, I knew I couldn't move on. I wanted to feel Spencer close, 'cos I missed him too much. So I did all the things I knew I shouldn't. I put on one of his shirts and sweaters and took a deep breath, wrapping my arms around me as I got under the covers of my bed, thinking Spencer was there with me. His clothes still smelled like him, and it was intoxicating.

So I did the only thing I could do: I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep.

Thursday was a waste of a day. I had so much paperwork to catch up with, I put on my headphones and created a bubble around me because it was the only way to survive. Lucky for me, Seaver wasn't at the BAU that day. She was at the academy. Maybe that was why Spencer looked so sad. He missed her.

- "SSA (Y/L/N)"- I picked up my phone and turned around as soon as I heard Hotch's voice at the other side of the line, calling me at the end of the workday.

- "(Y/N), can you come to my office, please?"

- "Yes, sir."

I took a deep breath as I walked over, and brushed my hands against my pants, to get rid of any wrinkle or fuzz. When was the last time Hotch had called me to his office? Over a year earlier, after I had an argument with a suspect in the interrogation room. In my defense, she was striking my nerves. Ok, fine, I didn't have a reason.

- "Hi, is everything ok?"- I asked as soon as I showed up in Aaron's office.

- "Close the door, (Y/N), please."

And immediately, the knot in my stomach made me feel like I was being called into the principal's office. I turned around to do as asked and caught Spencer's eyes staring at me as he stood in the middle of the bullpen, clearly worried. And I felt so weak and moved by how concerned he looked; I did the first thing that came to mind: I smiled and waved.

- "Please, sit down,"- Aaron pointed at the chair across from him, and I did as told, again.

- "Is everything ok, Hotch?"- my question came right out of me, my lips moving before I had actually decided to speak.

- "I have been trying to find the right way to say this for the last half hour, and I am sorry, but..."

- "Oh shit! I'm fired! Why do you hate me so much?"- I jumped from my chair, and Aaron quickly followed me, trying to smother my reaction.

- "No, (Y/N). You are not fired! And no, I don't hate you! Calm down!"- I looked at him, confused and still suspicious.

- "Please, sit down. It's actually because I care about you that I didn't know how to tell you this, but I think almost five years is enough time to stay aside from what's been going on."

- "I'm sorry, Hotch, but I don't follow"- he clenched his jaw and sighed, frustrated. I just stared at him, waiting for the rest of the speech because my unit chief was clearly trying to find the right words to speak his mind.

- "Listen, (Y/N). This is very hard for me to talk about. I've always tried to keep everybody's personal life aside from the FBI. Unfortunately, your relationship with Reid is starting to affect you at your work."

Clearly, that was why he was so uncomfortable. I turned blood red and looked at my hands resting on my lap. I couldn't look into Hotch's eyes.

- "I don't understand. I don't have a relationship with Spencer."

- "The fact neither of you has acted on your feelings doesn't mean you don't have a relationship."

The words came more upset than what Hotch had intended, so he took a deep breath and walked around his office for a moment.

- "After what happened to Haley, I've given too much thought to many of the decisions I've taken in the last years of my life."

I didn't know how to react to Hotch's words because of all the things I could have thought we would talk about. Listening to my unit chief open his heart and talk about his feelings was definitely not my first guess. Not even the eighth.

- "And I care about you and Reid. I don't want you to have any regrets."

- "Which regrets could I have?"- I don't know why I asked if I knew I wasn't going to like the answer.

- "Spencer is in love with you, and you are in love with him. Stop running away from your feelings and face them. Sometimes you have to be courageous and take the first step."

I looked at Aaron Hotchner, almost certain the man sitting in front of me wasn't the same Aaron Hotchner who had once hired me. The man who refused to speak his heart. At least, not me. No way on earth that was Hotch.

- "I know it's strange that I tell you this, and I know I am not comfortable doing this... but... I can see that you two did something wrong, and you should try to fix it before you regret it."

For once, I couldn't argue those words. I knew the speech, but it was useless lying to Hotch. He could see through all my bullshit.

- "I... don't think he feels the same as I do,"- I whispered and kept my eyes on my hands, feeling how my cheeks blushed immediately.

- "You are wrong. You two have been nonsensical, and if I can be sincere, it's getting painful to watch- I winced in a mix of embarrassment and frustration."

- "Hotch... it's not that easy. I don't know if you noticed, but Ashley is the girl who caught his attention."

- "It's the lies that we keep telling ourselves that define what we are instead of who we can really be."- he sentenced, shaking his head- "He loves you. But for the last few weeks, you two have been acting like you are twelve years old."

- "I don't think you are getting all the info straight. I mean... I have tried to tell him."

- "No, you have tried to teach a blind man how to recognize colors,"- now that was Hotch frustrated. He was clearly awkward but also upset I wasn't following his ideas.

- "I'm pretty sure he is with Seaver."

- "He asked never to be paired with Seaver,"- Hotch refuted, frowning. Now that was new information. But I kept refusing to admit anything.

- "Probably not to be suspicious or to make sure his head was in the job."

- "His request was literally: "I don't want to give (Y/N) any sign I like Seaver, 'cos I don't."

Hotch looked at me in silence as I tried to process what he had just said. I couldn't believe it, but at the same time, you can't ever doubt Hotch.

- "Why would he do such a thing?"

- "You have to ask him."

- "Maybe he just doesn't want anyone suspicious about what they have."

- "Why is it so hard to believe? He loves you!"

I opened my mouth to argue with my boss when Anderson knocked on the door and excused himself.

- "Strauss sent you this, sir. She said it's urgent."- Grant said and cut me a small smile before disappearing from the room.

- "Thank you, Anderson."- Hotch said as he went through the papers and sighed.

- "You are busy,"- I inferred and stood up- "We can continue... whatever this was some other time if you'd like."

I stood up, seeing a clear way out of that awkward conversation. I wasn't sure I could open my heart with him.

- "One more thing, (Y/N)"- Hotch said as I stood up and almost ran to the door.

- "What is it?"

- "Tell him how you feel, or I'll have to take action myself."

- "What kind of actions?"

- "Let's hope we don't get to that point."

Hotch's face was severe. He wasn't joking. I just nodded and walked out of his office, scared of what would happen if I ever told Spencer how I felt. But now I was being forced to. That wasn't good.

I looked around, Morgan was packing his things to leave, and Spencer was on the phone, walking to the elevators. Probably he had a date with Ashley, and he was calling her to tell her he was picking her up. I sighed, exhausted, and shook my head.

- "What is it, pretty girl?"- Morgan cut me a warm smile as I reached his side and sighed.

- "I am so tired. I just wanna go home and get under the blankets of my bed with a warm cup of tea and a book."

- "Damn! That sounds thrilling! When is your big date?"- I frowned, groaning. I had totally forgotten about that date.

- "Tomorrow... I'm kind of hoping we get called on a case so I can cancel..."

- "Why?"- Derek looked at me as I started getting ready to go home.

- "'Cos... I don't feel like going."

- "Then don't,"- his answer was so simple I almost laughed.

- "Yeah... I have to go. Did you see the books that guy sent me?"

- "But that doesn't mean you have to go out on a date. You are not forced to do it just 'cos he sent you a present."

- "I know... but I don't know... maybe I'm just too tired and not thinking clearly."

- "Well, go to sleep, pretty girl. And tomorrow, depending on how you are feeling, you can cancel that date. I know someone who would be thrilled to know you won't go out with some guy."

I just shook my head and put on my jacket. I knew he was talking about Reid, but I wasn't in the mood to keep on talking about him with other teammates. Hotch's pep talk had been enough.

- "See you tomorrow, Derek."

Spencer's point of view

My heart dropped as soon as Hotch called (Y/N) to his office. The last time he had done that, she had gotten into trouble with an unsub. She lost her temper in the interrogation room and almost hit the suspect. Had she done something? Was she in trouble? The fact she smiled and waved at me before closing the door made me feel actually worse. Maybe she knew she was in trouble.

I kept looking over from time to time, trying to catch a glimpse of what was happening inside Hotch's office, but I gave up after a few minutes because it was impossible.

I still couldn't shake the thought of (Y/N) being in trouble from my head.

- "Dr. Spencer Reid,"- I answered the phone and didn't take my eye from Hotch's door.

- "Hey Doc, Frank here. How are you?"

- "Hey! Good, how are you?"

- "Good, I was just thinking, is (Y/N) around?"

- "No, she is not. Why? She is with our chief unit... Do you need to reach her?"

- "No. Are you busy tonight?"

- "No, why?"

- "I need to talk to you. Alone."

- "Is everything ok?"- of course, it wasn't. Frank had never called to meet alone unless we were planning (Y/N)'s a surprise birthday party.

- "Yeah, don't worry. I just need to talk to you..."

- "Well... I'm heading home now."

- "Great, I just got off the plane... I can meet you there in an hour if that's ok with you."

- "Sure, see you there."

I had never been so nervous about talking with Frank before. Not even when we first met, and I freaked out thinking of any excuse to avoid going to (Y/N)'s apartment. The memories of that day filled my mind the whole way back home. That was the first time I had ever gotten drunk in my entire life, and I never told that to anyone. I always felt people thought I was a loser, and I didn't want to give them any more reasons to do it. But neither Mikey nor Frank ever laughed at me, though they were clearly cooler than I was. They would have never been my friends in high school.

Were they going to be my friends if (Y/N) and I stopped talking to each other? Of course not. What was going to happen between us? I had no idea, and the headaches overanalyzing everything produced me were driving me insane.

- "Hey man,"- Frank walked in and tapped on my back the second he showed up at my door.

- "How was your flight? Where were you?"

- "New York, applying for a job, but didn't get it,"- he took off his jacket and left it on a chair, as he had always done, despite the fact the hat rack was right next to the door.

- "I'm sorry, Frank."

- "That's ok. It wasn't for me."

- "I was gonna get something for dinner. Wanna join me?"

- "No, this won't take too long, I just..."

Frank sighed and looked at me, standing in the middle of my apartment. He was a little shorter than I was, so I had to look down at him, but that could never affect the fact he could kick my ass. I always knew that about him and Frank. In fact, I had seen them get into small fights a few times in the years I had met them.

And the way Frank looked at me that minute let me know he was actually considering hitting me.

- "Why are you mad at me?"

- "Don't profile me! I hate when you and (Y/N) start doing your Jedi shit."

- "I'm sorry, but... you are clearly not happy with me so, why don't you just say it?"

- "Ok, fine. What the fuck is wrong with you?"- Frank simply replied and crossed his arms on his chest.

- "What? What are you talking about?"

- "You have a girlfriend."

- "What? How do you... I don't!"- Frank just shook his head and started talking, not giving me a chance to explain I wasn't dating anyone.

- "Maybe this is my fault. Lu and Mikey kept telling me you had to tell her what you felt at your own peace! But four fucking years are enough to make up your fucking mind!! We were all sure you loved her, 'cos you did, right? I mean, as long as I know, you still do! I saw you less than a month ago, and you two were fucking husband a wife, for Christ's sake!!"

Frank was now almost yelling at me, and I still didn't understand a word that came from his lips.

- "Frank, what are you talking about?"

- "She fucking loves you!! And we were all waiting for you to date her!! Maybe even marry her!! But now you fucking ruined everything dating someone else! And she is fucking broken hearted!! You fucking hurt her!"- Frank yelled, his nostrils were flaring, and he even cracked his knuckles.

- "Frank, I don't really follow what you are saying, but I can assure you, I am not dating."

- "She already told me everything! You made her cry!!"

- "Who?"- I was so lost in that conversation I wasn't sure I followed him.

- "(Y/N)!! You broke her heart! And now I'm gonna have to break your bones!!"- the way Frank threatened me sounded funny, but it wasn't, at all, why? 'Cos I knew he meant it.

- "Wait!!"- I took a few steps back and raised my hands in a sign of defeat- "Stop it! I am not dating anyone!"

- "Don't lie to me, man. That will just make shit worst."

- "I am not lying! I'm just confused about all this... why would you say I'm dating."

- "(Y/N) told me yesterday."

I stared at Frank, speechless. My eidetic memory going a hundred miles, trying to find a moment in time that gave (Y/N) the impression I had a girlfriend.

- "But... I am not."

- "Then who is Agent Seaver?"- I froze and widened my eyes as Frank crossed his arms on his chest one more time and didn't move his eyes from mine.

- "Oh shit!!"- the curse was a whisper Frank read as a confirmation.

- "And you thought you could keep it from her?"

- "What? No! I am not dating Seaver! I don't even like her!!"- and for the first time since we started arguing, Frank gave me the chance to talk.

- "And why would (Y/N) say that?"

- "I have no idea!!! She hasn't spoken to me this whole week!! Not since I saw her making out with that random guy last Friday."

- "What?! She did what?!"- I feel like a blabbermouth telling Frank what her friend had done, but in my defense, (Y/N) had given him wrong information, and I had to set the record straight.

- "Can you explain to me what the fuck is going on between you two? 'Cos she didn't mention any of that!"

- "Beer?"

Ever since Frank and Mikey were my friends, I always had beers in my fridge. I didn't drink much, but I liked being ready in case they showed up. And they did, 'cos they were my friends.

I stood next to the fridge in the kitchen and took a sip of my beer. Frank stared at me from the other side of the room and waited for my explanation. So I tried to start from the very beginning.

- "I don't know why (Y/N) thinks I'm dating Ashley Seaver, but I am not. I barely talk to her."

- "Who is she?"

- "A young agent Emily is training in the BAU... she and (Y/N) don't get along from the start 'cos Seaver's dad killed Mrs. (Y/L/N)'s sister back in college."

- "What?!"- Frank was in shock.

- "Yeah, it's been pretty awkward since day one."

- "And what? She tried to apologize, and (Y/N) nearly killed her?"

- "That was day one. Everything went downhill from there. But I don't get why she thinks we are dating. I barely talk to Seaver. I specifically asked our unit chief not to pair me with her at any case or task to make sure (Y/N) wouldn't think I liked her."

- "Clearly, that didn't work,"- Frank pointed out the obvious and grabbed his phone- "We should ask (Y/N) why..."

- "No!! Please don't!! I don't want her to know we are talking about this,"- I almost choked on the beer when I heard him say that and nearly jumped to take the phone from his hand.

- "Why?"- I didn't have a reason. I just didn't want to do anything that might actually make things worse.

- "Because..."- I didn't pronounce another sentence. I literally deflated after just one word.

- "Shit, that's deep,"- Frank joked and sipped his beer- "If you are not dating Seaver, why haven't you told (Y/N) you love her?"

I opened my mouth to argue but stopped in my tracks and simply shrugged. It felt useless to deny it anymore. Apparently, everybody could see it but (Y/N). And if she did see it, then it just meant one thing:

- "Because she doesn't love me back. Now she is the one dating some random guy she met at a party."

- "The one she kissed Friday?"- Frank raised an eyebrow as I just nodded- "She probably did that out of anger is she thought you were dating Seaver."

- "You didn't see her, Frank. She didn't look hurt at all. She actually looked like she was enjoying it."

- "Well... I didn't see her, and you are right about that. But I've seen her for the last... five years or so. She loves you. You should ask her out on a date, finally."

- "Why would she go out with me?"- I asked, embarrassed of facing my feelings so openly in front of Frank. But he just shrugged and said.

- "I just said so, 'cos she loves you."

Now that was just painful to hear, especially 'cos Frank actually meant it.

- "She doesn't."- I whispered and sipped my beer.

- "Sorry, but I wasn't asking you if you thought she loved you. I am telling you, she does. Now, if you don't want to believe it, that's an entirely different story.

The way Frank looked at me, saying everything so lightly, like it wasn't a big deal at all, shocked me. He had always been upfront about pretty much everything since day one. But still, that day, I wasn't prepared for that. I stayed quiet, looking at the floor, not knowing what to say.

- "Shit! You really don't believe she has feelings for you!! Are you blind?!"

- "Frank, she is my best friend in the whole world. I don't want to lose her..."

- "Why would you lose her? Just 'cos you love her?"

- "If she doesn't feel the same... and I tell her how I feel..."- I started mumbling, but Frank snorted, frustrated.

- "She is so fucking in love with you; it's hard not making fun of it!! She way she looks at you, how she is always worried about you!"

- "She does the same for you, guys."

- "I've met that woman since when we were kids, and believe me, she has never treated us the way she treats you. We are still waiting for her to bake us birthday cakes. She bakes yours every year. Last year's cake was sick! She fucking made the whole Tell-tale heart scene on your fucking cake and hid a heart in the middle of it!! You know what she did for my birthday? She wrapped the guitar strings she got me. That was it. If that doesn't tell you how in love she is with you, I've got a fucking list of things she has done for you all these years! So fucking deal with it and tell her what you feel!"

- "I can't! I just can't do that!"- I yelled back at Frank, for once opening up about what I really felt- "Every time I look at her, and she smiles, my whole brain turns to mush! I can't tell her I love her 'cos she will laugh. A girl like her deserves everything a man can give her! Have you seen me? She deserves so much better!!"

I'm not gonna lie. It felt good finally saying what I felt out loud. Like a weight had been lifted from my chest. Frank just walked over and tapped on my back a few times, nodding.

- "She fucking loves you! You should be with her! That's it! Why are you overthinking this?!"

- "'Cos I don't wanna ruin it!"

- "You two have wasted like four years! I told her I wanted you two to date since the day I fucking met you! She had to ditch Paul and date you! But she is so fucking convinced you don't love her, she is..."

- "What?"- my heart stopped at those words- "Did she say so?"

- "She did, in fact, yell to me I had to stop telling her you loved her 'cos she knew it was a lie, and that's why she was in so much pain. When did that happen, you ask? Fucking yesterday, so don't come here and tell me she is dating some random guy she kissed at a party when she is clearly in love with you."

I don't know how to explain what that felt like. It was heartbreaking and, at the same time... encouraging?

- "She loves me?"- I asked Frank, still not fully understanding our conversation.

- "Doc, she fucking went behind your boss's back to stay with you in Las Vegas to help you figure out the case of a kid you thought your dad had killed. She fought Gideon when he told her she was a bad influence for you. She hates Lila Archer's movies because of you. I've seen her yell at the tv!"

- "What?"- that was too much information.

- "Just please, fix this shit and tell her you love her"

- "How?"- I honestly asked 'cos I didn't know how to do that. Frank frowned and finished his beer, leaving the bottle on the counter.

- "I don't know, man. Give her a romantic speech about what a big ass you've been all this time thinking she didn't feel the same, ask her to forgive you, and fucking kiss her!!"

- "Ok... how do I do that?"

- "I don't know, doc! You are the genius here!"

- "Actually, I don't believe that intelligence can be accurately quantified... and I have no idea what to do..."

- "Yeah, clearly, this is not your forte. I'll give you that"- I shook my head as Frank stared at me, finally a smile curling on his lips.

- "You know everything she likes. There's no way you can go wrong. Just go to her house and tell her the words she wants to hear: I love you."

I nodded and tried to engrave those simple instructions in my head 'cos I knew I was going to ruin it: go there, say I love you. That was it. It was simple. I could do that. Right?

- "Do you need a ride?"- Frank asked and threw me my jacket.

- "Yes... I think I do."

- "Ok, doc, let's do this!"

(Y/N)'s point of view

I held my cup of tea with both hands and smiled, finally relaxing. That was just what I needed after a long miserable day. I sat on the couch, resting my feet on the table right in front of me, and sighed.

- "Sure, make yourself home."- Lu joked as she walked over with a bowl of popcorn and sat by my side.

- "Hey! I took off my shoes! I know you hate it when I leave footprints on your furniture."

- "How considered!!"- Lu joked as I grinned - "You should definitely come more often then."

- "I promise I will..."

- "And when are you gonna talk to the doc?"- I simply shrugged and focused on the tv in front of me.

- "(Y/N), you do realize you just spent two hours finally coming to your senses, right? I don't care if it's 'cos your boss is pushing you to do it. You have to tell Spencer you love him."

I pouted and groaned, but I knew she was right.

- "First, I have to cancel my date with James."

- "Yeah, do that now."

- "No, I don't wanna face reality today. I'll call him tomorrow around noon. I'm gonna tell him I'm on a case out of town, and I won't be able to make it for dinner."

- "Why don't you just tell him you are not interested 'cos you are in love with your best friend?"- I looked at Lu and widened my eyes- "Oh, come on!! We already passed the initial shock. We all knew you've been in love with Spencer for what seems to be ages!! I knew you loved him since you have him the scarf you knitted."

- "That was ages ago!"- I smiled and sighed- "He still wears it every winter"

- "Of course, he does, 'cos he loves you."

- "Do you really think he does?"

- "Are you serious? That man has been crazy for you since day one! He has been unconditional to you! You two can talk about your nerdy things for hours! Watching you is actually endearing. I had never seen two people just looking at each other with such love before! So please! Just do the right thing and tell him you love him."

I sighed and closed my eyes. I had concluded I had to tell Spencer I loved him because Hotch was right; it was affecting my work. I had to put an end to all that nonsense. Lu kept telling me Spencer would tell me he loved me too, but I was sure he wouldn't. Still, each time she tried to convince me, she made a point.

- "And he took you to Hawaii."

- "He didn't even touch me."

- "So? He hates the beach! The man hates the sun, the sand, and the seawater, and what did he do? He took you for ten days to a resort to the beach 'cos that's what you wanted."

- "His doctor told him the sea breeze was good for his lungs after the whole anthrax incident."

- "Anthrax, my ass! He wanted to make you happy, no matter if that meant being miserable for ten days. If that shit ain't love, then I have no idea what it is!!"

Lu was mad. She had cursed. I looked at her and just nodded.

- "And when you two have your first kid, I wanna be the godmother."

- "Lu, aren't you going a little fast?"

- "No. You two have been too slow with our confessions, so it's time someone speeds this up."

I drove back home around midnight. I was weary, and my body needed a good six hours of sleep after that miserable day. But I knew I wasn't going to get much rest. The idea of telling Spencer how I really felt was too scary, and I wasn't sure I would be able to go through with the plan. I didn't even have a plan. I just knew I had to do it before Hotch took the matter into his hands. Whatever that meant.

It was sad getting to my empty apartment. It felt cold and impersonal. I missed having Spencer around. We hadn't talked in a week, and I had never felt so alone in my entire life. If things didn't go well, I thought I could get a cat. I had always wanted one but never actually decided to take the big step and adopt one. I could go to the shelter and get a kitty.

I poured myself one last cup of tea and walked to my bedroom. Spencer's shirt I had worn as a pajama the night before was still on my bed, and I guessed there was no harm if I wore it again. I got under the covers and wrapped my own arms around my waist. I wondered if there would be a day when Spencer would cuddle me to sleep in our shared bed. Not like friends, like we had done so many times. It was embarrassing to think how many of those nights I had fallen asleep pretending Spencer was my boyfriend.

- "I am in love with you."- I whispered and sighed, closing my eyes.

What would Spencer do if I ever said those terrifying words out loud? I could almost see him freaking out in front of me. He wouldn't know what to do or what to say. If he didn't love me back, he would try to find the most careful way to reject me. He would reassure me he loved me, just not like that. But our friendship would be ruined anyway. I could never see him in the eyes after feeling his rejection. If he didn't love me, I was going to lose my best friend.

Sometimes, I felt Spencer was my soulmate. Lu was right; I had denied my feelings for too long. Had I wasted years of happiness with my honey bunny? Was it too late to tell him how I really felt?

I practiced my speech until two in the morning, rolling in my cold bed, alone, until I finally fell asleep. At seven am, I looked at my reflection in the mirror as I got ready for the day. That Friday was the day I was going to tell Spencer I loved him. I had to look my best. So I put on a lovely dress that always made me feel pretty, though I couldn't find my matching and favorite silk scarf. I did my hair nicely and put on a decent amount of makeup, primarily to hide the big dark rings under my eyes.

I stopped by Spencer's favorite coffee shop on my way to work and got him a cup of coffee and a box of donuts. I took a deep breath as I got out of my car and reminded myself I was doing the right thing. My plan was simple: I was going to give Spencer the coffee and the donuts as an apology for not talking to him in the lastest days. I was going to cancel my date with James, and I was going to ask Spencer out. Maybe like a date, and confess my true feelings for him.

But my plan was ruined before I even reached the main building. I walked through the parking lot and saw Spencer getting out of Ashley's car, holding a cup of coffee. They looked like the lovely young couple they were, after getting breakfast together... after spending the night together...

My broken heart kept breaking as I stared at the scene from a safe distance. I was right. I was too late to fight for Spencer. I had wasted all the chances I had ever had to be with him, and now I couldn't ruin his happiness. If he wanted to be with Ashley, I had to do the right thing and get out of his way.

I hurried up inside the main building and rushed into the elevator. I took deep breaths, trying to hold the tears inside. Whatever happened, I was not going to let Spencer see me cry. I grabbed the box of donuts and the coffee and hesitated when I reached the bullpen. Hotch was already in his office, talking with Rossi. I looked around, knowing Reid was about to get in there with Ashley, and I needed to hide from them.

- "I'm so glad you are here!!"- Penelope turned from her computer, surprised to see me rushing into her office.

- "Hey, munchkin!"

- "How is my favorite tech genius this morning? I got you breakfast!"- I could pretend to be hyper and happy, right?

- "And I love you so much!!"- Penelope smiled and grabbed the coffee- "Smells... delicious!"

- "Only the best for my dearest friend"- she looked at me and raised an eyebrow.

- "Are you ok?"

- "Of course!! I had a good night of sleep, and tonight, if no fucking psycho killers ruin my day, I am going to have a date with a hot guy who is so into me. He already sent me an expensive present, which by no means makes me feel pressured, not even a little! No!"

I freaked out immediately, thinking I had a date with a guy I didn't even like.

- "Ok, baby, sit down"- Penelope tapped on the chair next to her and looked at me with worried eyes- "Are you getting cold feet about this date?"

- "I just... I don't know how I feel about that date. I was ready to cancel, and now... I think I just should go."

I definitely wasn't telling Garcia what had happened earlier; how I was going to tell Spencer I love him until I saw him in Ashley's car. Why? Well, first, I didn't want to cry at work. Second, she would say I had to tell Spencer how I felt. And third, she would tell Morgan.

Penelope sipped her coffee and frowned. Still, she didn't say a word. Instead, she looked right into my eyes and whispered.

- "If you don't wanna go out with him, you don't have to."

- "I know. I just wish I wanted to... do you know what I mean?"

- "I do... "- Garcia nodded and sighed- "Munchkin, you don't have to do anything you don't want to, really."

- "Thank you"- I rested my head on her shoulder and just sighed. We both stayed quiet for a moment until my dear friend questioned.

- "Why did you give me Spencer's coffee?"

- "Wh... what?"- I felt so caught I actually stuttered.

- "This is not almond milk. This is filled with dairy, both milk, and cream... and the amount of sugar in this is..."

- "Oh, please!! Can you just pretend I fooled you?!"- I was mortified- "It's fucking eight in the morning, and the day has already turned as awful as it could be."

- "Come on, baby"- Garcia tried to soothe me- "You know life can always get worse, so let's start by being honest. Why didn't you give Spencer the breakfast you got for him?"

- "For not being a profiler, you are creepy good reading people, you know?"

- "Yes, I am a genius. You should have noticed that earlier in life. That wasn't so bright from you, profiler,"- she teased, trying to make me laugh. And I actually chuckled.

- "Good, I got a smile. Now, tell me what happened."

- "But I don't wanna cry at work... and Hotch already called me out for being unprofessional about this whole Spencer's thing."

- "What? When?"

- "Yesterday, he said I have to tell Spencer what I actually feel for him, or he is gonna take matters into his hands."

- "What did he mean by that?"

- "I have no idea! But it sounded serious,"- I sighed, defeated, and sipped my coffee- "So after zero sleeping for days and a very awkward talk with our unit chief, plus the threats from one of my closest friends, I had decided to tell Spencer that I..."

I couldn't even say it

- "What I feel for him, today."

- "Today?! With this breakfast I am eating?"- and of course, PG freaked out.

- "Well, I was going to give him food as an offering for ignoring him this week... then I was going to ask him out tonight, and that's when I wanted to tell him... but..."

I paused and took a deep breath, doing my best not to cry. I really didn't want to show how hurt I was, though I was almost sure my dear friend Garcia could see it clearly in my eyes.

- "Just please, don't tell Morgan."

- "My adorable munchkin, I don't tell everything about you and our resident genius to Derek!"

- "Yeah, but... I just... feel so..."

- "Good morning, Garcia!"- I bit my lips as soon as I heard Ashley's voice storming into my friend's office- "I brought you coffee!"

Penelope held my hand and squeezed it as soon as she noticed my mood shift.

- "Hi!"- and my dear friend was so awkward it could have actually been fun if I wasn't so angry.

- "Oh, hi (Y/N), I didn't know you were here already..."

- "Yeah, we were having breakfast, actually,"- I pointed at our coffees and donuts, and Ashley nodded, blushing.

- "Sorry... I didn't know you were here... I didn't get you any..."

- "No, don't worry, Ashley. It's not like you know you I actually work here too,"- I wasn't even trying to be polite with her anymore. I hated her. Hotch was going to be so mad...

Seaver just stared at us and nodded in silence. Then, she turned around and left, closing the door behind her back. I groaned and nearly hit my head against the desk.

- "Wow, you are not even pretending for the cameras."

- "That was me trying not to kill her, actually. If she walked out on her own, then it was a very successful encounter."

- "What the hell, (Y/N)?"

- "I was gonna tell him, and then I saw him getting out of her car in the parking lot..."

- "Spencer Reid?!"- Penelope freaked out. I just nodded- "Dr. Spencer Reid?? The nerd in love with you? Getting out of her car?"

- "And carrying breakfast, like a lovely young couple. I bet they banged last night."

- "No way!"

- "Why not?!"

- "Because he loves you, and no one calls it "bang" anymore!" Where have you been?"

- "Penelope!"- my friend smiled at me and offered me a donut, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and resting her head against mine.

- "My dearest munchkin. Don't let this stop you. You were on a mission this morning."

- "They banged, fucked, had sex, call it what you want!! I am not telling Reid anything!! And I guess I'm going out with James tonight 'cos... if I don't, I'm gonna die alone, and my cat is gonna eat me!!"

I was nonsensical. I knew it. But there was nothing that could stop me from being absurd. I was scared and hurt. I actually thought I was going to go crazy.

I stayed with Penelope for a while, trying to cool my head. I didn't want to snap with Seaver again. I knew it had been a mistake. I saved Hotch a donut and asked him if I could work in JJ's old office. I told him I wanted to concentrate and that I really needed the time alone. Of course, he could see through my bullshit.

- "I told you, if you don't fix things with Reid, I am going to intervene."

- "I am going to do it, sir. Just... after I get all this paperwork done. I'll talk to him this weekend."- I looked into Hotch's eyes, trying my best to lie correctly. Do you have any idea what lying to the best profiler in the FBI felt like? It was mission impossible.

- "Good, (Y/N). I'm glad to know you've made the right decision."

- "Thank you, sir."

Spencer's point of view

After I got out of Frank's car, holding a bouquet of flowers, I forced him to help me get in our way over. It took me almost half an hour to walk from the sidewalk to the door of (Y/N)'s building.

- "I am in love with you,"- I whispered and shook my head, knowing she deserved better than that simple confession. I took the stairs, trying to improve my speech.

- "I have always been in love with you, from the minute I first saw you,"- I whispered and wiped off the sweat from my hands against the fabric of my jacket. It sounded terrible. I knew I was going to get it all wrong.

- "What am I doing?"- I stopped in my tracks before I reached her floor- I can't do this.

I literally froze and felt sick in my stomach. I couldn't do that. What was I doing? How had I let Frank talk to me into doing something so stupid? What was I getting into? I couldn't do it.

For a minute or so, I stood in the middle of the stairs, not able to move or formulate a single coherent thought. I was trying to

But if I didn't, and she loved me... I was going to lose everything I had ever dreamed of and that I never imagined I could have. No, I had to do it. I had to tell (Y/N) I loved her. And I had to do it that day. "Your head is spinning because it's full of ghosts," I remembered Julio's words and took a deep breath.

I ran the last steps of the stairs and reached her door, panting. But I didn't wait. I knocked on her door and waited.

- (Y/N), it's Spencer. Are you home?- but nothing. So I knocked again.

- Chipmonk, please open the door. I know I've been an asshole this whole week, but I need to talk to you. There is something you should know.

But nothing. Just silence. I knocked a few more times and patiently waited. No answer. I thought about it for a second and took the key she had given me years ago in case of any emergency. I had ended up using that key a million times, not really for many emergencies. I used it to prepare her surprise birthday party many times or come in when she knew I was coming. Or when I stayed over for the weekend, and it was my turn to pick up something from the store. So that day, I used it and opened her door.

Walking into (Y/N)'s apartment felt like walking into her arms. It smelled like her, and it felt like home. I took a look around, calling out her name. But she wasn't there.

Her place was kind of messy. There were many blankets on the couch and some clothes lying around. Man's clothes. For a moment, my heart sank. I thought maybe James was spending time there too. But soon, I realized...It was my clothes. I walked into her room and saw her unmade bed. My old red sweater was on her pillow, and some of the shirts she liked were close as well.

Why was she surrounded by my things? Did she... miss me that much? Could it be Frank was actually right? She loved me and missed me? I looked around and tried to find confirmation, though I felt overwhelmed by emotion at the moment.

(Y/N) loved me. There was a chance she actually loved me the way I did.

I fell on her bed and contained tears that almost started falling down my eyes. There might be a chance she loved me, and I refused to ruin it. She couldn't find me in her house out of the blue. She deserved better than that. She deserves the world. So I quickly collected all my things and walked to the door to think of a better way to confess my undying love. Undying, cheesy, and yet, honest.

But before I was out, I walked back to her room and opened her closet. If she had all my clothes to think of me, I wanted a souvenir too. My eyes traveled quickly through all the items hanging until her purple satin scarf caught my eye. I loved how she looked on it, and it smelled like her. I hid it in my pocket and walked out of her apartment.

Not even the tiny bouquet of flowers I had gotten her seemed to be enough. Frank said she'd love them, but... it just wasn't good enough for her.

I had a lot of planning to do. And I have no idea where to start. I had high standards to beat. After all, I had read all of the romantic books (Y/N) had in her house and seen all the romantic comedies she loved. All of those more than ten times. So... how was I going to do it? Was I going to pour my heart out to her in the most romantic way possible and finish with:

- "I am just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him,"- I said out loud as I poured myself a fresh cup of coffee.

No. That didn't feel right. It had to be better. Who was (Y/N)'s biggest love reference? Mr. Darcy. How had he done it? Well... he didn't do it right the first time, so he started making amends with a letter. I could begin with a letter. After all, I had written (Y/N) many love letters I had never given her in all those years. Letters that contained all my feelings for her as a way of letting it out of my chest. But they were never meant for her to see.

I sat at my desk and grabbed my favorite pen. But before I could actually start writing, I noticed I needed music, romantic music, for inspiration. I picked the same Amy Winehouse vinyl record I had been listening to for the last couple of days and walked back to my seat.

Writing a love letter wasn't easy. Putting facts into words, that's a task I can complete, no questions asked. But that Thursday night, I struggled with every sentence I created. I wasn't a writer and neither a man who had any kind of experience with love or being in love. Less with confessing such feelings. But I had to give my best.

Around one in the morning, I finished the third version of that letter. Frank had texted me to know if things had gone well, but I told him she wasn't home.

- "Don't worry, Paco,"- I said and smiled while holding her silk scarf- "Tomorrow is the day."

My wristwatch said four in the morning when I stopped painting and decided to get into bed. I had to get at least two hours of sleep. Not that (Y/N) had never seen my insomniac face before, but I needed to, at least try, to look presentable for her. After writing, my mind was flooded with emotion, and I couldn't stop thinking about everything we've been through all those years together. (Y/N) and I. we had been best friends for so long, yet, I could now see our friendship had always been a little different. We were closer... sidekicks... lovers without kissing. I needed to feel her hand in mine. Her arms around me. But it was only a few more hours.

Was she going to like me in the morning? I felt butterflies in my stomach just with the idea of confessing my feelings. I set everything ready and went to bed. I barely had the energy to put on my pajamas and turn off the lights. (Y/N)'s scarf wrapped softly on my wrist.

I frowned, baffled and lost, when I opened the door the following morning and found Ashley at the other side.

- "Can I talk to you for a moment?"- she whispered and handed me a fresh cup of coffee- "I brought you a peace offering for being so obnoxious the other day."

It was clear Ashley was honest, and she was embarrassed about her behavior. Otherwise, she wouldn't have shown up at my door. So I smiled and nodded, trying to show her I wasn't mad at her.

- "Water under the bridge"- I whispered and held the coffee she gave me. No milk, no cream, no sugar. Just like (Y/N) liked it. Ashley noticed how I prepared coffee at the BAU but never realized I wasn't making myself a cup. I was making (Y/N)'s.

- "I am very embarrassed... and I really like working with you... regardless of everything I said. I don't..."

- "We can pretend that never happened,"- I interrupted her, and she just smiled and nodded.

- "I would like that. I am sorry I was rude... Do you want a ride to work? We are a little late."

I thought about it for a second. I wanted to stop by and get (Y/N) more flowers, but we were late, and I wasn't planning on telling her how I felt until later that night.

- "Sure, let's go."

(Y/N) was nowhere to be found that day, and that immediately got me on my nerves. Her things were on her desk, but she wasn't there.

- "Hey García, have you seen (Y/N)?"- I walked in and watched her stay still, shocked.

- "Hello there, Dr. Reid. How are you today? Nice to see you too."

- "Sorry!"- I cut her an awkward smile and waved- "Hi! How are you?"

- "The damage is already done, Dr. Reid. Clearly, you are not here looking for my companionship."

- "Sorry, I just haven't seen (Y/N) today. You?"

- "Yes, my pretty chipmunk was here earlier, and that's all I know. Why?"- Garcia raised an eyebrow and looked into my eyes- "Why are you so interested in her?"

I didn't know if it was because I had spent most of the night planning to confess (Y/N) my feelings, but Penelope's question sounded suspicious. I tried to act normal and just frowned.

- "I just wanted to know if she was here 'cos I haven't seen her around."

- "She had work to do, and I think she had a meeting with Hotch."

- "Again?!"- I couldn't help but raise my voice, scared of the idea of (Y/N) being scolded by Hotch for two days in a row.

- "But she had a meeting with him yesterday!"- I argued, but Garcia just shrugged.

- "That's all I know. Also, she brought donuts"- I stared at her dish. Chocolate frosted donut with sprinkles. My favorites.

- "Do you know if she... got one of those for me?"

- "I don't know, why don't you ask her?"- Garcia questioned back and raised an eyebrow

- "I would, but I don't know where she is."

- "Besides... didn't you have breakfast already?"

- "There's always room for a donut... for my favorite donut."

Penelope raised an eyebrow, trying to read beyond my words. Was I just talking about donuts, or was I talking about (Y/N)? Did she actually mean breakfast? Of course, she did. Garcia wasn't implying anything else! I was just overthinking everything!

Right?

- "I'll see if she is still with Hotch."

- "Hey, Reid"- Penelope called out my name when I was about to reach the door- "When you see her, you should tell her it's her breakfast you are interested in. No other."

I stared at Garcia and opened my mouth. But no word came from it. I just know I blushed and nodded, leaving her office soon after.

But I didn't find (Y/N) during that whole day. And it was both frustrating and nerve-wracking. The letter I wrote her kept burning me, as I felt it in my jacket's pocket, beating like a second heart. I wasted a whole paperwork day trying to concentrate, but I couldn't. I managed to get the least work done in years, 'cos my mind focused on her. On (Y/N). In her absence.

By the end of the day, I had lost all hope of finding her around and did what all desperate men would do. I waited by her car in the parking lot.

Around six-thirty, I heard her shoes approaching the vehicle, and my heart stopped when I saw her eyes in mind, nearly shocked to find me there.

- "Hi"- that was all I managed to say. My voice was a whisper that even I barely heard.

- "What are you doing here?"

- "I was waiting for you. I thought it was obvious."

I smiled and tried to ease her mood. But it didn't work. She looked so mad at me, though those few words were the longest conversation we had shared in over a week. Why was she mad at me? Was it too cheesy to tell her she looked adorable when she was mad? Of course, it was. I still took a mental note to tell her that later on. Maybe later that same evening if things went well.

- "Why?"- (Y/N) frowned and opened her car, and threw her purse in the back seat.

- "I wanted to talk to you."

- "I can't, Spencer. I am late,"- she called me by my name, and that reality check hurt me.

- "Late for your date with James?"

- "I don't feel like talking about that with you. Goodbye, Spencer."

- "Wait. (Y/N), stop."- I held her arm and felt her whole body shiver under my touch. I would have held her longer, but she pulled her arm from my grip and frowned- "Why are you so mad at me?"

- "Mad? I am not mad!"- I know she was a good liar, but she was so mad her whole body language gave it away, along with her high-pitched voice.

- "I think you are... Why?"- I tried to move closer, but she crossed her arms on her chest and stood next to the opened passenger door. Ready to escape.

- "I am just in a hurry, Spencer. That's it."

There it was, the confirmation of her anger. My name, leaving her lips with fury. I wanted to hold her. I needed to feel her close, with a desperation I had never experienced before. I was craving for her. And there she was, right in front of me, refusing to even look at me.

- "Can you just... give me a chance to talk to you?"- my words came as a whisper, almost as a beg.

- "Isn't someone else waiting for you?"

- "Me? No. No one,"- I answered, confused by what she was implying- "I just need to talk to you. Please."

- "Sorry, I'm late. But... maybe..."- (Y/N) hesitated and looked at someone else walking close to us. I didn't even bother. I couldn't take my eyes off her.

- "Would you... would you take this?"- I held the letter and gave it to her. She hesitated before taking it, and my heart nearly burst at the thought of her holding my love confession in her hands.

- "What's this?"

- "Can you read it?"- but it only lasted for a second. (Y/N) shook her head and gave me back my letter.

- "Not now, I'm late."

- "(Y/N), please."

- "No, Reid. I can't read this now. I am late."

- "Please, (Y/N). I need to tell you something."

- "And I need to leave. So, bye."

(Y/N) slipped through my fingers like water. I stayed still, staring at her as she disappeared, and cursed myself under my breath for being so petrified to act. I wanted to cry. I was so frustrated with myself.

- "I love you. I don't want you to go out with him. You should be with me."

It was liberating to say those words out loud even though she wasn't there to listen.

- "Nice kid. Now next time, say it when she can hear you."

I recognized Morgan's voice behind me. And I guess I could have felt embarrassed if I wasn't so frustrated already. And most of all, so mad at myself. I had practiced. I had tried. I knew what I had to say. But when I was with her, I just couldn't. And now he was out there on her way to date another man.

I felt Derek's hand on my shoulder, tapping on it a few times. I sighed and nodded.

- "Come on. First-round is on me."

It only took Morgan two rounds to get me talking. To be fair, I wanted to speak. He had already heard what I wanted (Y/N) to know.

- "I just wanna tell her I love her. I need to tell her what I feel for her 'cos now I can see there might be a chance she loves me too."

- "Might be a chance?"- Morgan frowned and shook his head- "Kid, that woman is head over feet in love with you. And she has been for years. I just can't believe you've wasted all these years!!"

- "I can't believe I am sitting here with you when she is out there on a date with some other man!!"- I nearly yelled and drank what was left of my third whisky, immediately raising my hand, asking for another round. Derek raised an eyebrow as he stared at me, and somehow it felt like he was mad at me for something.

- "Kid. You know I love you, but you've been so fucking stupid and blind it's been painful for us to watch! You've had so many chances to be with her! She has been crazy in love with you ever since she was dating that other guy!!"

- "Paul? That was ages ago!"- I said ages to sound less obsessive, but I knew exactly how long it had been since they had broken up. It was also the amount of time I had spent without using Dilaudid.

- "Well, she loved you even back there! I bet you are the reason they broke up!"

- "No, I wasn't"- I sighed, thinking I wished I was, but I knew (Y/N) had broken up with him 'cos she didn't love him.

- "Why are you so sure?"

- "She told me"- Morgan raised an eyebrow and looked at me so severely- "What?"

- "Back then, that girl got into trouble for arguing with Lila Archer. Remember?"

- "Eidetic memory, Morgan. Of course, I remember."

- "Sorry, genius"- the waitress arrived with our fourth round, and my body felt way more relaxed by them. Also, my tongue started to slur as I spoke.

- "My pretty pumpkin actually called Lila, and I quote: "annoying, always ignoring our orders, keeping herself in danger, not helping, being a squeamish little princess who is used to do whatever the fuck she wants, and who didn't care to put people around her in danger."- I chuckled remembering that conversation- "And then she joked saying "Of course you were oblivious to all this 'cos you couldn't stop staring at her."

- "Ok, Reid, that's what girls say when they are jealous! And she was clearly jealous of Lila! When she saw you two in that pool? I thought (Y/N) was gonna kill her! I swear I was waiting for her to jump into the pool and end with her!"- Morgan laughed, picturing the scene in his mind. I sipped my whisky, not quite sure he was into something there.

- "I really think she didn't like her 'cos she found her annoying. (Y/N) finds most people annoying."

- "And not you. What does that tell us?"

- "That I am not annoying"- Morgan looked at me and opened his mouth to say something but stayed quiet. And instead, he just chuckled.

- "What about that waitress?"

- "Who?"

- "The one you picked up in the bar with a magic trick?"

- "I didn't pick on her!! I was doing my work and..."

- "And you got her phone number, and she sent you that card with a kiss..."- Morgan stared at me, waiting for a reaction- "Ok, in case you didn't notice, (Y/N) was jealous of her too."

- "She was mad 'cos she said I was unprofessional."

- "Ok, fine, whatever. And now, what's the plan, casanova? When are you telling her you love her?"

- "Now, tonight, after this drink,"- and I hurried to drink it faster.

- "What?"

- "I've got a love letter like Darcy gave to Lizzy."

- "Who the fuck are those?"

- "Her favorite characters from her favorite book"- I explained, annoyed, and drunk- "They were in love but never acted on it 'cos they were both proud and held severe prejudices against each other. So when he told her he loved her, it was a mess. Then, he wrote her a letter trying to explain to her why he had been nonsensical. Then she read it and realized she loved him, but thought it was too late, so both of them acted like nothing was going on until they realized they had been fools, and Darcy confessed his love, and she told him she loved him too..."

There was a blank stare in Morgan's eyes when I was done speaking.

- "How many times have you read that?"

- "Today? Eleven"

The way Morgan wide opened his eyes, shocked, made me think maybe I had overreacted with how many times I read Pride and Prejudice. But he didn't say anything, just nodded.

- "Ok, kid, you can't talk to her today."

- "Why now? I was actually going to drop by her apartment and read the letter."

- "Spencer, you are drunk."

- "I am not!"- I was, in fact, intoxicated.

- "Prove it!"- Derek dared me, chuckling

- "How? Want me to walk on a line and touch my nose with my fingers?"

- "Go talk to those girls over there"- he pointed at a bunch of women who kept flirting with him from a distance at the bar counter.

- "Why would I do that? I am in love! I just told you I am about to confess my true feelings to the one woman I wanna spend the rest of my life with. I swear, Morgan, if she says she loves me, I'm gonna ask her to marry me."

- "What?!"- my friend nearly choked with his drink.

- "Yeah! I've wasted too much time! I wanna marry that woman! In fact! I'm gonna tell her that right now!"- I stood up too quickly, and the whole room started spinning. Morgan grabbed my arm and forced me to sit down again.

- "Hold on, Reid! You need a round of water before we leave this bar."

- "No, Derek, you don't get it. I finally see everything clear now!! It's all clear!! I've loved her for so long... and maybe Frank is right, maybe she has loved me all along."

- "Dude, that's literally what I've been telling you for the last hour!!"- Morgan nearly yelled, frustrated.

- "Yeah, but Frank has been her best friend since they were four! Can you imagine? Little (Y/N) at four, playing... our kid would be so cute if they are like her."

- "Ok, Reid, you are creeping me out"

- "Why?"- I couldn't understand why Morgan was so shocked. I thought he wanted to know how I felt.

- "For the last five years, you've been in love with her, and you've denied it over and over again. And now suddenly, you get drunk and spill your heart open."

- "I just... I don't want these ghosts haunting me anymore. Julio was right!"

- "You lost me, man"

- "Our last case in Miami. My head was killing me, and Julio knew it. He said it was this job and everything I was bottling up that was driving me insane. Now I can see it clearly! I have to tell (Y/N) how I feel for her! That woman is the love of my life! She saved my life!!"

- "Calm down, Spencer."

- "Calm down?? She is out there with that guy!! What if they kiss again? What if they fuck?! No way! We have to stop her. I have to stop her!!"

I don't know how I got out of that chair and stormed out of the bar.

- "Reid! Wait!"

(Y/N)'s point of view

James was hot. Yes, that's true. I can't deny what's real. I saw him talking at the other side of the table, being charming, being fucking perfect. And there I was, not feeling anything. Nothing. Good old (Y/N) a few years ago would have been crazy for that guy. Before I met Spencer. But after Spencer.... There was nothing after him. And I could see it. I could feel it inside of me. How he had ruined me without even touching me. Does that make any kind of sense?

- "So, what do you do when you are not fighting crime?"- James asked me with the most charming smile. I just sighed and tried to look interested. I honestly wanted to try. But I soon realized everything I could answer included Spencer.

- "I am a big nerd, so I'm getting ready to go to Comicon this year."

- "In costume?!"- he widened his eyes and smiled, excited

- "Yes, of course. In costume is the only way to go to Comicon,"- in costume with Reid...

- "And which is your costume this year?"

- "Slave Leia"- James smiled mischievously and ran his tongue through his lips.

- "I won't miss this Comicon."

- "I also like hanging out with my friends. I usually host dinner parties 'cos I love cooking,"- with Spencer...

- "That's awesome, 'cos I love eating. Are you into board games?"

- "Yeah! Love them! We usually play a lot."

We. Spencer, and I.

I was doomed. I was never going to love anyone else. Spencer was overshadowing everything I might like about James. What did I actually like about James? That he was interested in me. Was Spencer interested in me? Lu said so. Garia said so. Emily said so. But I didn't. Why? Why couldn't I believe Spencer might love me? Was I terrified to lose him as a friend, or was I petrified to lose myself in him? Was I scared to be loved by him? To be happy? To have someone to love me, want me, and make me happy?

Was I scared of being loved by Reid? Of being happy with him? 'Cos each time I thought about it, it didn't feel like Spencer was just a guy I had a crush on or a guy I had fallen for. It felt like he was the love of my life, my happy ending. My forever after. And that scared the shit out of me. I've always been scared I would ruin the love of my life like my parents had destroyed their happiness. I knew the job was going to get in the middle. And I was already in love with my job.

Well... so was Reid.

In fact, we shared that love. We did everything together, including working. And god, I loved being in the field with him. I hated the fear of losing him I often felt whenever we were together, but the thrill of catching an unsub with Reid, of saving lives together. Nothing could ever compare to that. Well, maybe sex with Spencer, but I didn't know it for a fact. I wished I knew...

- "(Y/N)?"- James was looking at me, waiting for an answer. But I never got the questions. I was just lost in the thought of Spencer.

- "Sorry, you were saying?"

- "I was wondering if you wanted to go somewhere else... Maybe you could show me your record collection."

Dinner was over. We had our dessert and coffee. A part of me felt I had to say yes, 'cos I felt pushed to like him. But I just couldn't force it. I knew it was meant to turn out badly.

- "Actually, I'm tired... I'm sorry. It was a long week and included a trip to Miami to catch a lunatic..."

- "Of course, not a problem. I'll take you home."

The drive back to my apartment was mostly silent. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't really comfortable either. It was just me feeling Spencer's absence. And it hurt in ways I hadn't realized just yet. It made me wonder if my life without him was destined to be like that.

- "I had a great time tonight,"- I said when James parked outside my building.

- "Me too..."- he turned to me and cut me a big smile, as his eyes locked with mine. I could see him leaning in, and my whole body refused to kiss him. So I opened my door and nearly jumped out of his car.

- "Ok, it's getting late."

- "I'll walk you to your door."

- "No, you don't have to."- but James was already by my side, holding my hand (something I absolutely hated) and walking with me to my building.

- "I have to tell you, (Y/N). I was hoping to meet you at Anderson's party."

Oh shit, I didn't really want to go through that conversation with him. I thought I could just ghost out of that dinner, but James wasn't making things easy. So I opened my building's door, and he followed me in. Shit.

- "I don't know if he told you anything but... I just had the biggest crush on..."

- "James, you don't have to..."

- "But I want to. I just feel like we could go somewhere. I know it's only our first date, but I think you are the most incredible woman I've ever met. And I would be ecstatic if you would want to go out with me again."

I sighed and turned to him. We were standing by my door, and I could feel he wanted to kiss me goodnight.

- "James. I feel flattered, but... I can't do this."

- "What? Why?"

- "Because I am in love with someone else... I've been in love for a while now, but I never thought I might have to actually act on it until now..."

James stared into my eyes, confused, hurt, and... sad. I nodded and did the kindest thing I could under the circumstances and hugged him.

- "I am sorry. You are a fantastic guy, and I'm sure if I wasn't in love already, this would have worked, but..."

- "It's ok, (Y/N). Really. You don't have to apologize. I was just one date, no harm done."- my date kissed my cheek and smiled- "Besides, I got to meet my favorite profiler."

- "Prentiss?"- I joked, and he chuckled.

- "And what are you gonna do about this mystery guy?"

- "I don't know. I don't think he feels the same... but I think I have to tell him, or I'll go crazy."

- "He would be crazy if he rejects you,"- James whispered and smiled- "Good night, crime fighter."

I closed the door behind my back and let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I felt bad for James. But I couldn't take care of his feelings when I had been neglecting mine for so long.

What was I supposed to do? I was so tired of overthinking everything. Of being afraid. I put the kettle on to make myself a cup of tea and laid on my couch for a minute. It smelled like Spencer. There was one of his sweaters there. I quickly grabbed it and buried my face in it, pretending it was his neck, and I could even land butterfly kisses on his skin.

I couldn't run from it anymore. I was going to tell Spencer Walter Reid what I felt for him. And I was going to do it the following day. How? With my original plan: I was going to bring his favorite breakfast to his house. I was going to apologize for being a jerk, and I was going to invite him over for dinner. I was going to cook his favorite. Then I was slowly and carefully going to handpick the right words to tell him I am desperately in love with him.

That sounded like a good plan. My phone rang, forcing me to roll on that couch, but I carried Spencer's sweater with me. It was Penelope.

- "Please don't tell me we've got a case."

- "No, munchkin. I just wanted to check on you. What happened to James?"

- "I blew him off- I stood up and walked to the kitchen to make my cup of tea- "It was kind of painful."

- "I'm glad you did anyway. You have to do the right thing."

- "Yeah, I guess,"- I closed the widow 'cos there was a lot of yelling coming from the street.

- "Where are you?- Penelope asked, probably hearing it too.

- "At home, getting ready for bed."

- "What's that noise?"

- "I don't know. I think there's a fight downstairs. Anyway, tomorrow I'm gonna talk with Spencer and tell him everything."

- "Please let me know how that goes!!"- I chuckled as I heard the genuine excitement in her voice.

- "I promise I will. Thank you for checking on me."

- "Anytime, munchkin. Sleep tight."

Spencer's point of view

- "Oh shit! Oh shit!"

I saw (Y/N) getting out of James's car, and Derek had to hold me on my seat to stop me from running over. We were parked outside of her building, and Morgan was still trying to convince me to go home. I told him I would behave and peacefully go home if I saw (Y/N) reaching her home safe and sound... without James.

But no. He was there. I could see him walking with her, hand in hand, to her building.

- "Maybe he is just going to take her to her door,"- Morgan said, trying to calm me down. I clenched my fist and waited in silence for a few seconds. But James didn't leave her at her door. He followed her inside. And that was when I lost it and literally jumped off the car.

- "Reid!! No!! Wait!!"- Derek ran behind me and grabbed my arm. A car passed and honked at us, 'cos it almost ran me over. I wanted to yell, "Fuck you!" but I barely noticed it. My eyes were locked at that building's door.

- "Dude! Come on, get back in the car!"- Derek tried to calm me down.

- "No!"- I argued and kept pulling my arm, trying to get free of his hands. But he wasn't letting me go.

- "You are drunk! You are not thinking straight! Come on!!"

- "No! Let me go! I need to talk to her!

- "What you wanna tell her, you should confess sober, with flowers... and chocolates, or whatever she likes."

- "I can't wait anymore!! I can't wait until it's perfect!! He is going to kiss her again and... and I can't deal with that!!"- I managed to get loose of Derek's hand and ran to (Y/N)'s building the second James walked out of it.

My blood boiled as soon as I saw him, and my first instinct was to punch him, But I managed to suppress it. Instead, I just looked at him threateningly. Or at least that's what I tried to do.

- "What's your problem, dude?"- James frowned as he noticed me staring.

- "You are my problem, dude,"- I answered with a snarky tone as that asshole took a step closer and shook his head.

- "What the fuck?!"

- "Stay the fuck away from (Y/N), James,"- I said, and he widened his eyes, surprised I knew him.

- "Who the hell are you?!"

- "I am the love of her life, and you are in the way of our forever after."

- "Kid, come on"- Derek tried to pull me away, but he was just embarrassing me.

- "Yes, kid. Go with your buddy. Leave (Y/N) to me."

James chuckled and turned around. And I don't know what took over me, but I couldn't control it. I ran to him and pulled his shoulder. I felt the pain of my fist hitting his face, but I didn't care if my knuckles were on fire. All I could feel was the profound pleasure of finally breaking that guy's nose with my own hands.

- "What the fuck?!"- Derek was in shock, and honestly, so was I. I didn't know I had that in me. I had never gotten in a fight that wasn't with an unsub. And still, on the field, I always tried to talk my way out of every conflict.

- "He has to back off! He is getting in the middle of my relationship with my pumpkin!!"- I argued and looked at my hand, knowing it would be sore in the morning. That was when James's fist collided against my jaw, and I felt how my whole body nearly spun like a cartoon with the strength of the blow.

- "Hey! Hey! Stop!"- Derek pulled James away from me as I touched my face, trying to put two and two together.

- "Tell your friend to stay away from me, or I'm gonna break his face!!"

- "You and which army?!"- I yelled and tried to punch him again, but Morgan stayed between us, trying to keep us apart.

- "Ok, ok, calm down, we are leaving! Reid! Come on!!"

- "No!! I am not leaving until I am sure that he is going to stay away from her!!"

- "Stay away from (Y/N)? Deal! Now get the fuck away from me!"- James shoved me on his way to his car, and I nearly hit him again. But Derek stopped me. He grabbed my arms and pushed me to his car.

- "Enough! I'll take you home."

***

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Do you want to be on the taglist or ramble about this chapter with me? Just send me a message here.

Next update: July 7th, 2021

[badlucksav]

Lu Ten doesn’t die at the Siege of Ba Sing Se…

Amidst the smoke and bodies filling the battlefield just inside the outer wall, the Fire Nation prince is fighting for his country. For once, the Fire Nation is advancing past Ba Sing Se’s defenses. It seems like this time, they will taste victory.

But something happens, and the battle shifts. The Earth Kingdom soldiers are pushing back, hard. Lu Ten fights with everything he’s got, encouraging his men to keep going, don’t fall back, they can still win — and then it’s like the ground is torn open. His men are falling, he’s falling. And then there is darkness.

~~~

Lu Ten doesn’t die in Ba Sing Se. The Earth Kingdom wins the battle. His body is never found, but his father and the other generals assume the worst when he doesn’t come back. Iroh calls off the siege and sends his men home. His son remains behind, deep beneath Lake Laogai…as a captive of the Dai Li.

They spend nearly three years torturing him. Why? Lu Ten isn’t certain. But he wishes for the sweet embrace of death, which never comes.

He escapes and returns home. He’s surprised to find that Fire Lord Azulon is dead, and Uncle Ozai has risen to power in his place. His father is gone, and Zuko has been banished. Lu Ten leaves in search of his father and cousin, and finds them in the South Pole…where the Avatar has just awakened.

Lu Ten convinces his father to take his rightful place on the throne. With the Avatar, Ozai has no chance of stopping them. The three return to the Fire Nation to reclaim what is rightfully theirs, with the Avatar and two plucky Water Tribe siblings, the Avatar’s self-appointed guardians, in tow.

There is an Agni Kai at sundown. Brother against brother. Iroh emerges victorious, and is crowned Fire Lord. He declares the war over, and for the first time in a hundred years, there is hope that the world will know peace.

But harmony does not happen overnight. To move things along, Iroh proposes an arranged marriage between his son and the princess of the Northern Water Tribe, Yue. He arranges a marriage for Zuko to Katara when she comes of age. And Azula is promised to King Kuei’s nephew and heir.

Lu Ten doesn’t die at the Siege of Ba Sing Se. Instead, he marries Princess Yue and takes the throne many years after that fateful battle, with his cousins at his side and the Avatar as an ally. The world is at peace.

[katsumatsu4]

I had a thought the other day that I thought you might appreciate: Dai Li-tortured Lu Ten meeting Hama-raised Zuko.

Shared hobbies include:

1) Trauma

2) Attacking Ozai on sight

These activities combine astoundingly well.

[kawaiichibiart]

After seeing the idea of Sun!Spirit/Prince Zuko, I've been wanting a Tangled AU. Zuko is Rapunzel, Ozai is Gothel, Iroh, Ursa and Azula are the King and Queen, the Gaang are Flynn/Eugene but Sokka is the one who ends up with Zuko. Mai and Ty Lee are the Stabington brothers but with the twist of not being criminals and the Kiyoshi warriors are the thugs from the Ugly Duckling.

Zuko is blessed by Agni the day of his birth, he has beautiful, golden, hair and he just...Glows. Ursa is happy with her child. Iroh and Lu Ten are happy with the new addition to their family.

But we need a bad guy in this. And who else but Ozai? Ala Gothel, he puts on a cloak, and a mask to cover up his face, and kidnaps Zuko and takes him away.

He planned for this. He said he had important meetings to attend to with certain people, like Zhao. Those people play alibi. So, when he returns to his distraught wife, brother and nephew, he acts distraught as well. His son was "taken" from him.

No one would ever know Zuko was hidden away, somewhere far away from the Fire Nation, locked away, because as Agni's chosen one, he needed the "protection." Zuko is special. People will want to kill him. Listen to your father, Zuko. Your father loves you, Zuko. Your father knows best, Zuko. You can't leave this place, Zuko. You don't know anything about the world, Zuko. Men are animals and women are either weak or don't care about you, Zuko. I mean, where is your mother, Zuko? She's not here, she doesn't care about you, Zuko. There was a war around them, Zuko. You can't take care of yourself, Zuko.

And we know Gothel was manipulative. We know she toyed with Rapunzel's emotions. Ozai would be the same, but we know he'd also be worse. The day he burned Zuko? He'd go off saying he's sorry. How it wasn't really his fault. Zuko was pushing him and he snapped. Zuko, how can you blame your poor father? So, of course Zuko thinks it was deserved. Of course he blames himself. He provoked his own father, the man who was "protecting" him from the dangers of the world.

Ozai would call Zuko his "Sun" much like Gothel referred to Rapunzel as her "Flower."

Zuko has a turtleduck as his only friend/pet. Not sure on names, but something ironic would be fun. Like, he doesn't know the name of his relatives, he doesn't even know he has a sister now. But he names the turtleduck Ursa, or Iroh, maybe even Lu or Lala (one of the nicknames for Azula). Ozai doesn't know about them. He doesn't know someone in his family shares a name with a turtleduck.

And who is the one who finds Zuko? Who gets knocked unconscious, is shoved into a wardrobe, gets tied up and made to take Zuko to see something he's always wanted to see? Sokka.

He's traveling with the rest of the Gaang. Will they be like Flynn/Eugene? Kinda. Toph and Sokka the prime criminals. Aang sometimes helps them, and Katara is just there to make sure they don't hurt themselves and to yell at them for being stupid and making her worry. They need a mom, so she stepped up.

What lead them to Zuko was that they learned of the Lost Prince, Prince Zuko, who was kidnapped as a baby.

In Tangled, we know the object that Flynn steals is Rapunzel's crown. I was thinking something else for Zuko. The crown would be a nice connection, but I think something else would be better. Something that connects him to either Ursa or to Iroh. If we go Ursa, they take the Blue Spirit mask. If we go Iroh, perhaps a Pai Sho tile that was turned into a necklace or a ring. We could even have both.

Sokka and Toph don't really get why these things matter. Like, it's not a crown or a nice blade. One is just wood and the other is part of a game. What's so special about them?

So, when Zuko puts on the mask, it feels oddly right, but also familiar. Before he was taken, Ursa would show him her masks. He was scared at first, but then curiosity won out and he would always reach out for the Blue Spirit mask. And Ursa was going to give it to him as soon as he was old enough to have it. When he holds the Pai Sho tile in his hand, it feels warm. Iroh, when he was around, would take care of Zuko and would often play Pai Sho while he did. Zuko would always reach for the white lotus piece. So, Iroh decided it would be his. But Zuko was only ever interested in that one tile. Never the game. So, he turned it into something he would and could wear.

Let's get back to the Gaang. Sokka hasn't reappeared. He hasn't called. He didn't come back to tell them that it was safe. So, one by one, they enter the tower (because I had to keep that element) and they just see Sokka, tied up, two blades against his neck and a boy who is glowing holding them.

The boy is looking at them wearily. He was told this place was safe. That he couldn't protect himself, but he caught a man, held him captive. But he was still yelled at. He didn't reveal his prisoner. His father had left, with the promise of bringing him some new inks and a play scroll for the celebration of the Solstice. But now he had three more people to fight. Three more people who would try to kill him. But they don't? They don't know who he is? Why he's special? Didn't they want to kill Agni's chosen one?

Cue to an awkward moment of the Gaang trying to convince a boy who was touched by the sun to let one of their members go and to join them. That they promised to not let anything happen to him. And he agrees, eventually.

And the journey plays out just like it did in Tangled. Zuko is conflicted. On the one hand, he's seeing the world. Yes, there's a war going on, but he's actually seeing it for the first time in his life. The world is so big and he's so curious about everything. His turtleduck quacks replies to his questions. It's kinda cute, kinda sad, and overall something the Gaang think should have been taken care of long ago. On the other hand, Zuko is paranoid. He's afraid. He's worried that his father would find out and be disappointed. That he really is a horrible son and human being. He can go from happy and curious about one thing to upset and stressed about the next.

And eventually, Sokka decides that maybe they should move on. He would take Mr. Sunshine back to his house. He'd get their stolen goods back. They'd depart as friends and be happy. But no, Mr. Sunshine wasn't backing down. He wanted this. He wanted to see the world and he was going to. Sokka is frustrated the most outta the Gaang. Toph enjoys Zuko's company, Aang gets along well with him and Katara has no real opinion of him. But Sokka? Yeah, he'd rather have Zuko go back so they can move on.

I want the Ugly Duckling to be the Jasmine Dragon. Iroh isn't in the day they arrive. But you know who is? Some of the Kyoshi warriors. Suki is amongst them. In this AU, she and her warriors weren't caught by Azula. When she learns that Zuko is living his dream, she reluctantly lets them go by. She brings up the war, and he knows, but he has so much to see, and if he can help people along the way, why would he turn his back?

Things start to look up, but then, Azula strikes with Mai and Ty Lee. She was told by her father of the boy with the golden hair. He was Agni's chosen one. He was more powerful than her. He would be a great addition to her court. So, she wanted to capture him. She didn't know he was her older brother (and yes, I'm aiming for this to have an Azula redemption).

Ozai stops them, knocking them all unconscious and takes a distraught Zuko away. And Zuko lets him. the Gaang abandoned him. They let the enemy take him. They let him think they cared.

He didn't know they were being held back. He didn't know that they tried to get to him. He didn't know that they were ambushed. That they had to retreat. Mai and Ty Lee are arrested earlier for attacking the Crown Princess. Azula wants to feel betrayed but can't. She's sure they didn't attack her, Ozai says she only believes that because they lied so well about being her friends. She takes his words to heart. Her friends lied to her and she let them.

Zuko eventually finds out EVERYTHING. He's the Lost Prince. Agni's chosen was the Fire Nation's Lost Prince. And he's seen what the war started by his own people a hundred years ago. He's met the avatar. He's made friends. He met people who actually care about him. He's done with his father. But Ozai wasn't letting him go. He leaves Zuko bound in the tower in order to fight the Avatar.

Who fights Azula? Mai, Ty Lee, who were broken out of prison by Iroh, and Katara. They weren't in the Boiling Rock. They don't have to fully defeat Azula, they just need to distract her enough for her to be caught. And some miracle, the trio succeed with little injury to either party.

Aang defeats Ozai and he, Sokka, Suki and Toph take Ozai to the palace where he would be taken away. But first, Sokka demands that Azula tell him where she took Zuko. She doesn't know. She never met her brother. So, when he tells her that the boy she was trying to capture was Zuko, she turns to her father in surprise.

The man who told her this boy who was their God's chosen one but never told her he was also her older brother. That he likely left out that detail to ensure she would capture him, bring him home now that Ursa was gone, so he could keep a better eye on him. It was never about making Azula a better court. It was never about giving her a powerful ally. It was just his want to ensure Agni's chosen was his and that he held him in a tight leash. He didn't care about either of them, and when she first met her older brother, she made sure he was afraid of her. That he knew she was above him. That he would know her word was final. Ozai made sure that she would. He told her that that was how she would succeed.

Ozai admits to it. How he was so sure he'd win. How they could ask, beg, torture him as much as they wanted, he would never tell them where Zuko was or if he was okay. So, he's taken away. And the Gaang begin a new search. Azula demands to go with them. She's messed up. She heard her mother grieve for her brother. Maybe, just maybe, bringing him home would make her come home someday.

They travel back to the tower and find Zuko. He's worn out from trying to get out of the chains Ozai put on him. There are burns on his wrists and hands. But the thing that surprises them the most, is the fact that his golden hair was now a deep black, but his eyes were brighter, more golden. His glow had died. Agni's chosen got hurt, he stood out and was hurt. So he was made to look relatively normal. Only those who looked for it, would see the signs that Zuko was his chosen child.

He and Azula have a strained relationship for a while, but they eventually bond and the day one is crowned Fire Lord, the other stands proudly by them.

Iroh returns from Ba Sing Se. His brother is in prison. His niece is okay. The war was over. But the day he returns, he goes to see Azula, to tell her he would help her run things until she could take care of everything herself, and he sees her with a boy. Something about him is familiar. The boy sits by her, fussing over her. The girl's mental and emotional health is a primary thing being seen to. And when Azula sees Iroh, she motions to the boy and asks if he knew Zuko.

Zuko.

Zuko.

Zuko.

Iroh looked at the boy and saw the White Lotus Pai Sho tile necklace around his neck. His hair is no longer its golden hue. His glow died down. But his eyes shouted Agni. This was his Zuko. And Iroh ran over and hugged him. His nephew was home. His nephew was safe. His family would get better.

Zuko is surprised that this old man hugged him. But, it felt nice. It felt right. But most of all, it felt familiar.

All of the Nations celebrate not only the end of the war, but the return of the Fire Nation Prince who was missing for 16, nearly 17, years. The Prince, who few knew as Agni's chosen. The Prince, who had told a few of the people he met when he traveled with the Gaang to call him Li. The Prince, Zuko, who was polite and curious and willing to learn. Zuko, who they hoped would take the throne, but who they were happy to have to ensure his sister didn't bring the war back.

One day, he and Azula would reunite with their Mother and her new family. One day they would meet their new sister, Kiyi. Kiyi, who would hear stories of her older brother, who her mother lost, of her older sister, who her mother had to leave behind.

Her older sister, who was jealous of her. Who struggled to see her mother didn't replace her. Her sister, who after a while, was so protective of her and did love her.

Her older brother, who got hurt for being who he was. Her older brother, who was taken by his own father. Her older brother, who was so kind to her, who played with her and answered her questions.

Ursa would see her children. Both raised by their father but not together. She would never forgive Ozai. For taking her son. For lying to her daughter. For hurting both.

She and Azula struggled to rebuild their relationship. But they do, eventually. The bond isn't as strong as it should have been, but it's there. And it's a start. And that's enough for her.

Zuko, on the other hand, is still in the process of learning everything Ozai told him was a lie. He thought for so long that Ursa didn't want him. That she left him. Abandoned him. So, when he encountered with the woman who was his mother, he didn't know what to think. With Iroh, well, he never knew about Iroh. He never knew he had a family besides his father, who lied and hurt him, and his mother, who supposedly abandoned him and didn't care about him. He never knew he had a sister until the day he was rescued. He never knew he had an uncle until he showed up and hugged him, saying how he was sorry he didn't look for him, that he should have looked harder, not given up. If he could forgive an old man. He never knew his cousin, who died in battle, who wanted to teach him everything he knew. And Ursa understands. She's sad about it, but she knows this is something she has to fix. She has to prove Ozai lied. That she cared about her son. That everyday he wasn't with her, she missed him. That, for as strong as he was, he still got hurt and she should have been there to help him. She sees the burns. The scars. And promises to never leave him again.

It takes time, but their family heals. And Ursa gets to do what she always wanted. She takes her family to see plays. She gives them play scrolls to read and they discuss them once a week. She and Azula talk over tea. They're civil. It's the most they can do at the moment. But both are happy with it. She and Zuko feed the turtleducks. His friend now lives among them.

If we go with he named them Ursa, she cries when she finds out. If we go the Iroh or Lu route, Iroh has tears in his eyes and he laughs with joy. If we go with La, Azula appears indifferent but she gives La a bit more food.

And we all know how it ends:

Sokka: And after years of asking and asking and asking...

Sokka: I finally said "yes."

Zuko: Sokka.

Sokka: Okay, okay, I asked him.

[lu-undy]

Chapter 91 - SBT

Here it is!

The key jingled on the door handle and Lucien pushed the door. 

"Meow, meow!" 

"Bonjour, mes bébés…!"

[Hello, my babies…!]

He crouched down and dealt scratches and slow blinks to both of the cats before removing his jacket and shoes. He headed for the kitchen but on his way, he saw the tray with the kettle and tea in the cups. 

"Dad est à la maison?"

[Dad is home?]

He asked Perle who slowly blinked before trotting away to the stairs with Soot. They both sat on the first few steps and meowed again and again. 

"Qu'est-ce qu'il y a?"

[What is it?]

They continued meowing until Lucien decided to follow them. They climbed up the stairs with him on their heels and when they arrived at the top, Lucien saw his bedroom door open and he could see Mundy standing up next to the bed. His shoulders were hunched slightly and his overall posture screamed that something was wrong. 

Lucien frowned and went to him. 

"Mundy, mon amour, are you - oh?" As soon as he stepped in the room, Lucien saw Caroline, her jaw dropping. Behind her was the open wardrobe and Mundy was still hiding his face in his hands. "Caroline? My apologies, I did not know you would visit us." Lucien extended his hand for her to shake but she didn't take it. 

The silence in the room weighed a ton. 

"So you live… together, eh?" She asked. 

"Oui, we-" 

She raised her hand and Lucien stopped talking immediately. 

"Was that what you meant when you said you lived together?" She asked and Mundy nodded. "You meant that you… you…"

Mundy nodded again, incapable of looking his mother in the eye, let alone speaking. 

"So all the things you said about when you beat him up and… and the sheila you fancied…? Was there ever a sheila you loved?" She asked and Mundy shook his head. "It was him that you…?" Mundy nodded. 

Lucien watched the conversation like a tennis match, his head swooshing from one to the other. He wanted to hold Mundy, bring him comfort but he couldn't. Not now, not in front of his mother and not in such a crucial moment. 

"You live together because you and him, you…?" Mundy nodded. "That's why you made me swear not to tell your dad?" He nodded again and sniffled. Lucien took a step towards Mundy. 

"Hold on, you." She said and Lucien froze. "Tell me the truth." Her tone was demanding and she looked as though she started to get angry. 

"The truth?" Lucien repeated. 

"Yeah, you heard me." 

"Very well. Let us go back to the living-room and have him sit down first and I shall oblige." 

About a minute later, the three of them were back downstairs. Mundy and his mother sat on the sofa while Lucien gave them some space and took a seat on an armchair.

"Go on then." Caroline insisted. 

"Fine. My name is Lucien de Beauregard. I used to work as a spy for the French government. France had some business to settle with Duchemin and when they finally managed to pinpoint his location, they called me back to deal with him the way that I saw fit."

"Was the story about your fiancée and your son true at all?" 

"Oui, absolutely true. France wanted to sue him and throw him in a prison cell, but I wanted to torture him, make him suffer and maybe give him the ultimate liberation of death, if I had grown an ounce of pity for the man. So I flew to Australia, got a cover job as a singer in the Queen Victoria that Duchemin liked to have dinner in. That is where Mundy saw me, without knowing that it was me." 

"Yeah, he told me about it." 

"Then came the days of rivalry between him and me. We would always end up fighting, physically, over who would kill Duchemin. But at some point, it all flipped, and here comes one of the reasons why."

Perle came trotting and seeing Mundy so distraught she jumped on his lap and stood on her back legs to brush her head on his hands. Mundy finally removed them off his face and hugged her. His breath was still erratic. Soot joined and both purred and meowed softly, trying to bring some strength to the poor Aussie. 

"He knew I had rescued Perle." Lucien went on. "And for quite a long while, he thought that she was the woman I share my life with. It quickly changed when he met her and understood that she was in fact the kitten that I had rescued, or maybe she rescued me. In any case, we started cooperating and we promised each other that we would catch Duchemin together. However, we both lied that day."

Caroline's eyebrows twitched. 

"I saw how kind Mundy was and how innocent and far he was living from Duchemin and his business. He didn't deserve to kill him and perhaps die for that. On the other hand, I, as a spy, was paid for this and was doing it with pleasure to avenge Marie and Jérémy." 

Lucien took a deep breath and sighed. 

"Did you tell her about the masquerade ball?" He asked Mundy and the Aussie nodded. "Good. I guess then that he told you everything until today."

"No." Mundy said, and both Caroline and Lucien's head turned to him. "I didn't tell her what happened after Duchemin died." 

"Ah," Lucien nodded. "Then let me explain this." He cleared his throat. "Whoever killed Duchemin would be the next man to die as his partners in crime would no doubt chase that person down until they were dead and buried. Mundy suggested that he should be the one sacrificing his life and would hide in the desert. But I disagreed. So without telling him, on the day that we blew Duchemin up in that hangar, I made everyone believe that the second corpse they found was mine." 

Caroline's eyebrows jumped. 

"I spent more than a year living like a hermit in a forest, leaving no trace of my living anywhere." 

"Why?" She asked.

"Because… When I started this mission, I was gladly walking to my death. Who cared about me? No one. I am an old man and I had no strings attached to this Earth. I had known love in almost all its forms and if I were to die, so be it." Lucien explained. "But during this mission, not only did I rescue Perle, but I met with a man whose honesty and kindness made me question my own humanity. And suddenly, as easily as a bat of his eyelids, I wanted to live again, to live longer. And if it wasn't to make him happy, then at least, to see him happy, even if I wasn't the cause of it." 

Caroline put a hand on her mouth slowly, to cover her jaw dropping again. 

"I sacrificed my life that day and Mundy buried a coffin that he didn't know was empty. He had buried the spy, the liar, the man with the wealthy tastes in life. Little did he know that he single-handedly gave birth to a better man in me."

"He made me believe he was dead for a year and uh…" Mundy said and sniffled. "I thought I'd go again through ten years of shit." 

"Hold on, when did you… you know…?" Caroline asked, frowning.

"When did we fall for each other?" Lucien asked. "God only knows, I cannot pinpoint the exact day it happened. But I found myself thinking about Mundy not like a partner in a mission, but someone I wanted to protect from himself, from the danger he was throwing himself into."

"And uh…" Mundy added. "I uh… When he sang, he was a completely different man. He was so… sensitive. I thought he was understandin' things that I had never managed to put words on." 

"After more than a year in isolation, during the winter, Mundy came to the forest where I was hiding."

"What? How?" Caroline asked. 

"Maurice asked me to take a break off work. Back then I had Pearl, Soot and the kittens. But I'd lost Lu' and… Life just wasn't the same. So I went there, where the lake Dad used to take me to is."

"And I hid there because it was a place I had visited Mundy in a few times. I had good memories attached to it." Lucien said. "One night, I decided to confront him and tell him the truth. I had seen him there for a few days already and when I saw the van, I was sure that it was him…" Lucien raised lovestruck eyes to Mundy and Caroline's eyes snapped wide. She recognised that gaze, she had seen it during dinner, multiple times, but she never understood it! 

"I fainted when I saw him. He had changed quite a bit. Long hair, beard and moustache, no suits. But it was him." Mundy said before turning to his mother. "After that, Maurice helped us change Lu's name and get his money back. We started working together and instead of living in the van, both of us with the six cats, Lu' took me here, in this house. He made me visit it and I agreed to buy it with him and uh… live together." 

Caroline looked at Mundy and then at Lucien. 

"Hold on…" She blinked repeatedly, trying to process everything. "Why hide for so long?" 

"Because I had a reason to live that I didn't want to harm. I had to make the world believe that I had died for good. Maurice confirmed my death and even he was convinced that I had passed. But the answer to your question is to protect Mundy and have… a chance, to dare try and flip the odds in my favour. Life had taken everything from me but suddenly gave me Perle and Mundy. I won't let her take them away from me." He answered. "Unless they want it." His eyes went to Mundy. 

"Mum…" He took a deep breath. "This is… all the truth, everythin' we just said now and what he'd said at dinner the other day. You know all the story now."

"No." She answered. 

"What? Yeah it is, I swear! I swear there's nothing else, Mum!" 

"Mundy." She called him by his full name and the Aussie lowered his head. "You or Lucien haven't told me the most important part of all of it! You haven't told me any truth!"

"What?!" Mundy's head jerked back up. "Mum! I swear!" His head swooshed to Lucien. "Lu'! Tell her, please!"

Lucien shook his head. 

"You mother is right, Mundy." 

"Wha-?" Mundy's jaw dropped and his eyes welled up. 

"You need to say it, out loud."

"Say what?" Mundy's voice jumped an octave. 

"Say what you feel." He answered calmly, and nodded to give him the strength for it. 

"U-uh… I… Gnh!" Mundy grabbed fistfuls of his own hair and lowered his head. "I can't… I can't… I can't…!" 

He sounded out of breath and Lucien couldn't take it anymore. He moved away from his armchair and knelt on the carpet next to the sofa, by Mundy's feet. He hugged him and whispered in his ear. 

"Mundy, you can do this, mon amour, and whatever happens, I will be where you want me to be, I love you and I will not stop loving you. Be strong, mon amour, be strong for yourself, for your mother, and because you are an honest man." 

Mundy slowly let his hands sink and raised his red, swollen eyes to his mother. 

"Mum… I… I can't live without him. He's always been there, he's always… put me first, put us first. He's… You see a fancy, posh bloke but I swear, he really is more than that, so much more. He saved me and… and…"

Lucien clenched his grip on Mundy's thigh while Caroline frowned harder. 

"I love him, Mum! There! I said it! I bloody love him! I can't live without him, I can't wake up without him and I can't go to sleep without him! He's everything! He's been everythin' when you and Dad were dead! He was the only one who cared about me since then! He…" Mundy burst out sobbing. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry I don't like a sheila! I tried Mum, I really did! I don't hate them, but none of them are good to me like Lu' is, none of them help me grow like him! None of them I felt like I wanted to get a house and a job with! I know we won't give you kids, I know you wanted me to give you grandkids and all I'm givin' you is a bloke and bloody cats…! I'm so, so sorry…!" 

Mundy emptied himself through his sobs, his voice cracking at every other word. He sniffled and his breathing was out of any kind of sync. He wrapped his arms around himself and his teeth chattered as he rocked his upper body back and forth. 

Lucien was devastated. His lover's honesty and courage was sawing him in half. He walked away from him and came back a second later with a box of tissues. He knelt down on the carpet again and pulled one out of the box. Caroline snatched it off of his hand and Lucien backed off slightly. By no means did he want to weigh like a burden or even worse, be an obstacle, between her and her son. 

She ripped the tissue in halves and handed him one. Lucien's eyebrows jumped. His eyes went from the bit of tissue to her eyes. She smiled. 

He grinned in return and both sandwiched Mundy in a hug, Caroline on the right, Lucien from the left and they wiped his face. Mundy slowly opened his eyes and realised that both were holding him and he burst out sobbing again. 

"Mum…"

"Sshhh, it's okay, Micky… I-I don't really get it but… But you work well together and, now that I know Lucien better, I understand what kind of guy he is and… I can't really ask you to leave him or anything, can I?"

Mundy cried and Lucien took another tissue and gently wiped his eyes. The Aussie grabbed his hand and hugged it against his chest. 

"But Micky, can I ask you, did you ever have any girlfriends before? Or any other… uh… companion? Is Lucien the first one to-"

"Yeah…" He nodded and his eyes were now burning. "I-I got a few sheilas, here and there, but none of them saw me like a normal guy… It wasn't because I could also like blokes, they didn't know about it, it's just because they thought I was the kind of guy who just roamed the desert and couldn't really build anythin'... They weren't wrong but… But it changed, with Lu' it's all different now, I… I was the one to actually tell him that we should settle down, get jobs and live normally… I wanna live normally…" 

"And you do live normally, sweetie. I'm sorry you were so scared to tell me." Caroline pulled him in a hug and Mundy dived to her chest. "You're my boy, Micky, even if you didn't come out of my belly, you're my baby, I raised you and I love you. I just want you to be happy and… I never saw you as you are now, it's like you're a completely different man!"

"Wh-what d'you mean?" Mundy's breath hitched. 

"The last time we spoke, before the incident at the farm happened, you were a loner! You'd come home from time to time, argue with your dad, and if I don't catch you before you go, you'd be off for days on end…!" She cupped his cheeks and wiped his tears away with her thumbs. "But look at you now…! You're a Dad yourself, you're living with someone who loves you and you love them, you got a job, pay the bills and all…!" 

He looked at her with big, round, kitten eyes. 

"I'm proud of you, Micky."

"Really? You're not mad? You still wanna talk to me? You don't find me disgusting? You don't-"

"What a load of nonsense!" She snapped. "Micky, this is your first meaningful love story and you're telling me that all of this never happened before because of… us?! Your own parents? You're not young anymore and this isn't just a fancy or a whim, is it?" 

Mundy shook his head. 

"How long have you been together?" She asked. 

"I… I don't know but that one time I got him out of his bath, as I was cooking for him, he clung to me and… And Mum, I just… stuff happened inside me, I felt so good. I felt things and stuff and… I-I wanted to hold him back and I remember I uh… I wrapped an arm around him and he… He leaned on me, Mum! In that second I wanted to just drop the spoon I was holding and just hold him with both arms!" 

"You could have." Lucien said with a smile."I would have let you. I thought you just wanted to help me stand." 

"Y-yeah, that was the uh… official reason." Both exchanged a smile. 

"Micky," Mundy turned his head to his mother and she adjusted his hair while Lucien gave him a tissue and he continued to dry his eyes. "I'm very happy for you… I just wish you could have been honest right at the start."

"Couldn't. Not with Dad around."

"I understand, Micky."

"You still won't tell him, right?" 

"I promised and swore. I won't tell your father a thing. But I'd like to know a bit more." 

"Yeah?" 

"Lucien," She turned to the Frenchman. "Tell me more." 

"Gladly, but what about?"

"When you look at Micky…" Caroline brushed her son's face and removed her hand. "What do you see?" 

"I feel like I am home." Lucien answered and smiled sweetly at his lover. He reached for his hand and held it, lacing his fingers between Mundy's. "He is what I could never be and thought no one was. With my past as a spy, I learnt to see everything as a cleverly fabricated lie at best, a trap at worse. But Mundy showed me that honesty, almost naivety, existed. I learnt that it was possible to trust blindly, for the sake of not himself, but some other thing. Caroline, during all that time that we worked together, I never told him my name or even that I was a spy. I never told him how I came to know so much about our target. And yet, he followed me everywhere and trusted me blindly."

"Didn't have much choice, eh." 

"Of course, you did. At any moment you could have confronted me, asked me more about myself, where I came from, what I was. But you never did."

"Wanted to get Duchemin, is all." 

"And you didn't want me to ask you about yourself either." Lucien added and Mundy nodded. 

"But one day, I gave you my name and uh…" 

"And you started talking to me as you did to the singer, not the partner in crime." 

"And I learnt you were more than just a liar in a suit, eh?" 

They both chuckled. 

"Mum…?"

"Yeah?" 

"Is it ok if we uh…" Mundy looked down at his hand, held with Lucien's.

"Of course! I won't lie and tell you that I find it… uh… normal… But I'll get used to it and, y'know, if Lucien was a sheila, you wouldn't even ask to hold his hand, so…"

"Yeah, but I don't wanna weird you out or anythin'... It's a lot to take in so, uh…"

"Micky, it's fine." She tapped his shoulder. "I'm sorry that you came to find someone so late…"

"Yeah, but I'm glad I found him in the end."

"Likewise." Lucien answered.

"Right…" Caroline sighed and stood up. "I'll need to head back home or your Dad's really going to wonder where I've been."

"What will you tell him?" Mundy stood up and walked after his mother to escort her. 

"Bah, I'll tell him you took me to your place to visit and stuff, don't worry, I won't tell him for you and Lucien." 

"Thanks, Mum, really." He bent down and wrapped his arms around her. 

"Aw, thank you for telling me the truth… You've been very brave, that's my Micky, right there…" She pinched his cheek. "I love you, baby." She pulled him down and kissed his cheek. "Lucien, give'im another one!"

"Well, if you insist." Lucien gave Mundy a chaste kiss on the cheek and the Aussie's cheeks turned red instantly. 

"Good, now you give your Lu a kiss too."

"M-Mum…" 

"No, no, no, look at him, he sat on the floor holding your hand, c'mon, be a good boy, I didn't raise you to be ungrateful…!" 

Lucien gave him his cheek and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Come on, Mundy, you don't want to disappoint your mother, non?" 

"Shut up, you…!" The Aussie wrapped his arms around Lucien and pulled him to himself, giving him the longest kiss he ever had on anyone's cheek. "There, both happy?" 

"Good boy!" She tapped his shoulder. "Now, can you drive your old mum back home, please?" 

"Course," Mundy turned to Lucien. "Lu', you'll be alright?" 

"I shall try and contain my distress and longing for you." He gently tapped Mundy's chest and the Aussie smiled with a blush. 

"I shouldn't be too long." 

"I won't hold him for dinner, don't worry." Caroline said. 

"Merci, Caroline." 

"I'll go in the van, gimme the key, Micky." 

"Here. I'll just…"

"It's fine, take your time…!" Caroline saw herself out and shut the door after her, leaving Mundy and Lucien alone. 

"You look terrible." Lucien chuckled. "Come, you need to wash your otherwise beautiful face."

"Pfff…"

Lucien dragged his lover to the bathroom and opened the tap for him before washing his hands and brushing them on Mundy's face. 

"There, this will freshen you up… Come here…" Lucien cupped his lover's face as he pushed himself to the tip of his toes and brushed his thumbs on Mundy's closed eyelids. He smiled and pushed his lips on the tall man. 

Lucien hummed when he felt Mundy's hands lace around his waist and pulled him closer.

“Your mother is right, you have been very brave today.”

“Yeah, well, had to do it one day, eh.”

“You never have to, you made that choice and you went all the way to the end.” Lucien answered as he grabbed a towel and wiped Mundy’s face gently. “I am so proud of you. Your courage is simply rare.”

“Thanks, luv’. I’d better go now. You’ll be alright, yeah?”

“Oui, don’t make your mother wait.”

They exchanged a quick peck on the lips and Mundy headed out. The air was lighter than when he had come home earlier that day and it seemed to him that the world was different. Was it a lingering smell in the air? Was it a slightly more vibrant shade of blue in the sky? He couldn’t tell, but when he hopped in the van, his mother welcomed him with a smile.

“You remember the way home?”

“Yeah, ‘course.”

“Oh, just making sure.” Mundy started the engine and off they went. “Given how pink your cheeks are, the kiss Lucien just gave you might have made you forget…”

The Aussie choked on his saliva and coughed repeatedly. 

“Mum…!”

Caroline laughed and tapped his arm gently. 

[besanii]

I've just started getting into period c-dramas and I see you reblogging about a few of them. And I was wondering if you had some recs? Thanks, I love SM and DH. it's okay if you don't answers this I know this may not be the purpose of your blog.

Hi nonny!

Period cdramas are my jam!!! I love period cdramas (and fantasy/wuxia/xianxia), although I used to watch primarily HK ones and only in recent years started to watch mainland ones. I’m going to assume you’ve watched The Untamed (陈情令) since you came to me and my blog is like...90% CQL lol, so I’ll leave that off this list XD

I’ll be providing YouTube links where I can, but please note that the subs on YouTube are not...the greatest. I don’t usually watch cdramas with subs, so I’m not sure which places to recommend. Sorry in advance!

Nirvana In Fire (琅琊榜)

I think everyone recs this at some point, but it’s just THAT GOOD. It’s set around the Northern and Southern Dynasties era and is primarily a political drama, but also has elements of wuxia (martial arts) mixed in. My favourite part of this drama was the intricate plot and also the wealth of interesting side characters that give the whole drama extra depth. There’s not much romance, but the individual characters and the plot is gripping enough without it.

(I tried to watch the sequel Nirvana in Fire II: The Wind Blows in Changlin (琅琊榜之风起长林), but I never really got into it? I should really try again, but at that point I was still really attached to the first one and wasn’t ready to let go lol. I’ve heard it’s good too!)

Legend of Ruyi (如懿传)

Okay I just finished watching this the other day and I really enjoyed it. It’s set in the Qing dynasty, during the rule of the Qianlong Emperor, and is about the life of Ulanara the Step Empress. I loved the strong female friendships in this (it’s rare in a Palace drama), and the complex dynamics between concubines of different ranks. The progression of Ruyi and Qianlong’s relationship feels very organic and (if you’re familiar with the history) is like a reverse-slowburn where you’re just really rooting for her to get out and when she finally stands up for herself it’s like \o/

(also cameo by everyone’s favourite shijie, Xuan Lu!)

The Story of Yanxi Palace ( 延禧攻略)

This is also set in the reign of the Qianlong Emperor, but the story is completely different. It’s about the Imperial Noble Consort Weigiya and her rise from a palace maid to the Emperor’s favourite consort. It’s funnier and more light-hearted than Ruyi, but it still has its fair share of dramas. The main character is a ‘non-traditional’ woman in that she’s outspoken, brazen and can be quite cruel when dealing with her opponents, but she’s still fundamentally a good person so you really root for her throughout the show.

I personally wouldn’t recommend watching this and Ruyi together or back-to-back because you’ll probably get whiplash from how different the characters are portrayed and how differently the history is interpreted, but it really highlights how much we don’t know about the palace women throughout Chinese history.

The Story of Ming Lan (知否知否应是绿肥红瘦)

NOT a palace drama this time! But it still explores the very complex family dynamics in China between wives and concubines and their respective children, about marriage and social hierarchy and how an unfavoured, illegitimate daughter of a low-ranking imperial official rises to become the wife of a powerful Marquis in the Song Dynasty. I’m a massive fan of Zhao Liying, the main actress, and her husband on the show is her husband IRL and they are the CUTEST HECKING COUPLE I swear to god. Their chemistry is OFF THE CHARTS.

Three Lives, Three Worlds, Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms (三生三世十里桃花)

Xianxia (fantasy/martial arts) drama about an immortal Fox Spirit and her love story with the Crown Prince of the Nine Heavens that spans over three “lives”. There’s magic, sword fighting, questionable CGI and a lot of typical romance drama stuff like pining, misunderstandings, miscommunication and jealousy etc. I found this drama more compelling than its sequel Three Lives, Three Worlds, The Pillow Book (三生三世枕上书) because the characters were better fleshed out (although a lot of the same characters appear in both), and it was easier to get emotionally invested in them. Also I find Bai Qian a lot less...annoying than Fengjiu (who is so cute, but oh my god can be quite irritating sometimes).

Love and Destiny (三生三世宸汐缘)

Apparently this is meant to be set in a similar universe to Peach Blossoms, but it’s quite different. This is the love story between a young bird spirit and the God of War, which also spans over three lives. I found it a lot darker than Peach Blossoms, and a lot more tragic, but I enjoyed it a lot more than I had expected to when I first heard about it. I really liked the main character (Lingxi) here (she’s a good mix of Bai Qian and Fengjiu), and although I wasn’t quite sold on the development of her relationship with Jiu Chen at first, they won me over with some really heart-wrenching story lines.

(I don’t know if the playlist above is Eng subbed though, sorry!)

Other dramas that I liked are:

Empresses in the Palace (甄嬛传) - it got really messy in the end, but I really like Li Sun so I kept watching. It’s meant to be a prequel to Legend of Ruyi (above), set in the reign of the Yongzheng Emperor (Qianlong Emperor’s father). Don’t watch it on Netflix though, they really messed it up by trying to condense the story and it doesn’t work.

Legend of Fuyao (扶摇) - xianxia drama about a slave girl who was cursed as a child and sets off to collect magical artifacts to lift it. I got up to about Episode 20 and then life got in the way, so I didn’t finish it, but I’ve been meaning to get back to it one of these days. It stars Yang Mi, who plays Bai Qian in Peach Blossoms.

Princess Agents (特工皇妃���乔传) - I really liked this drama, but it gets really dark and touches on some darker themes like rape, murder and torture, and the story gets quite messy and it ends on a cliffhanger (there was talk of a sequel a couple of years ago, but nothing’s come of it). Stars Zhao Liying (from Story of Ming Lan), who is so badass in action roles.

Noble Aspirations: The Legend of Chusen (青云志) - another xianxia drama about an orphan boy Zhang Xiaofan who joins the Qingyun Sect after the massacre of his village and falls in love with the daughter of the leader of the Ghost King (an enemy of the “righteous” sects). It starts off quite slow, took me about 5 eps to really get into it, but I enjoyed it for the most part. There’s a season 2 that kind of ends on a cliffhanger, and there’s been rumours of season 3 for years but nothing has ever come of it so it was quite disappointing. Stars Zhao Liying (again, I’m a massive fan haha), and is based on the same novel as Xiao Zhan’s movie Jade Dynasty (which I haven’t watched yet).

[gilded-green]

In celebration of the 10th anniversary, I’ll probably reread GG and send updates/highlight areas and as for commentary. Probably XD

But first. What aspect of Gilded Green was your favorite? What was something you put in a lot of world building for but never got to show either in fic or on tumblr. Who is your favorite character and why, what makes them special in your eyes? Which character has turned into a completely different one as soon as you started writing them? Which part of the fic did you like most when you finished it, do you still like it? Similarly, which part do you dislike most?

Lasty, anything about gg2’s story you want to share/talk about/rant?

-love, the dai li fangirl

Haha, no pressure! But at the same time yes if you do feel free to send me passages for commentary here! <3

What aspect was my favorite? Hmmm. *thinking face* I think, when I first came up with it, I was just thrilled to have these two small things - minor character Lu Ten, overlooked villain organization Dai Li - that I was able to combine into something so big. That was pretty nifty!

As I started developing the story, I think what really caught my attention was the fact that “Wow, all these characters are awful people!” Like. The Dai Li aren’t good.The Fire Nation aren’t good. Lu Ten is a victim but also an oppressor. All off these people have extremely different beliefs and worldviews - Fire supremacist, police state enforcers, classist academic gatekeepers - and all of them think THEY’RE in the right here and none of them are. I think Tien and Hoang might be the only people with a decent, non-oppressive worldview in the story so far. XD I was growing out of the storytelling trope of black-and-white morality at the time, so it was really fun to start experimenting with writing awful people as enjoyable, sympathetic characters.

World building? Hmm. I was just learning how to use my worldbuilding muscles back then. I seem to remember reading up a lot on how brainwashing actually works in the real world and going “I don’t think this is compatible with what we have in ATLA” and just kinda tossing that whole thing out. XD I also recall looking up a lot of stuff for the bits about Jouin, some of which - kalua pig! - has since shown up again in WFFD. I also recall someone on FFdotnet at the time saying “All this chapter did was tell us more about a dead character than the living one” and I was just kinda like -_- yes because he is DEAD and this is your chance to feel sorry about that, we’ll get plenty more of the living one later on account of him still being, y’know, alive. XD

Oh, and Shirong’s personal side projects. I finally got into that a bit in A Meeting of Minds, but the dude DOES have his own stuff going on, which Delun so rudely interrupted to drag him off to see Long Feng about brainwashing a Firebender.

I also did a bunch of research for the birthday party interlude, I think. Mostly appropriate alcohol for such an occasion? And....okay, this’ll sound funny, but.....food containers. I wanted Fen to pack up leftovers for Suyin and Shirong. That’s what my Italian family does after get-togethers, and I assumed that a Chinese family/friend group would do the same! But I also had, like, zero exposure to everyday Chinese life, let alone everyday Chinese life in the 1800s, and I just didn’t have the...idk, cultural osmosis? to figure it out. Like, if you asked me how Victorians would transfer food I’d probably come up with “Idk, wrap it in cloth and stuff it in a basket?” and I assumed people living in modern China would also be able to explain what their people did for food storage/transport 150 years ago but I didn’t have that cultural background, now, did I??? Also this was 10-12 years ago I was looking this up, mind you, the internet was still very different, there was plenty of information on Chinese historical events but not on everyday life objects, CDramas weren’t easy to find if they were translated at all and I certainly didn’t know they existed, and no one was posting beautiful aesthetic videos of life in a rural Chinese mountain village to youtube yet. Eventually I learned that bamboo baskets were a thing, but there wasn’t much info on THOSE either and I wasn’t sure how to describe them, so I just tentatively typed “basket” and called it a day. XD

YOU CANNOT ASK ME TO CHOOSE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER THAT’S LIKE ASKING ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN MY CHILDREN!!! *shoves Yong off a cliff*

I’m very fond of the Dai family, along with the Trungs and Sais. I’m very proud of how Tuan turned out. I adore Yuan, who you’ve barely met, and Xun, who you haven’t. Huang and Wu Sheng are also definite faves and I can’t wait for y’all to get to know them better.

Characters do usually behave for me in terms of personality development. They surprise me, but they never really turn out to be the complete OPPOSITE of what I was expecting? They just kinda develop organically. Huang and Wu Sheng surprised me, tho, those boys got deep. I knew they had the potential, but developing their backstory actually caused Stingrae and I to develop Ba Sing Se’s socio-political backstory and Long Feng’s rise to power, all because of an inkling I had. That was a very satisfying few years of worldbuilding and story development.

Um, favorite part of the fic....idk, I’m very fond of the final scene, with Azula and her wall chunk from Lu Ten. I’m doubly fond of it because of how it always resonates with readers. Heck, during Azula week last year, I used that chunk of rock as an ongoing theme in Sandstone, and someone commented like “I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU’RE THE ONE WHO WROTE GILDED GREEN” and that made me really happy!

Lu Ten’s time stuck underground - I used the seven stages of grief to get through that one and it was very helpful in structuring that part of the story, and I figured it was deep or something because PSYCHOLOGY.

I’m also proud of myself for getting through the dark brainwashing scenes. So, like, FYI, fanfiction could get...very dark, back in the 00s. People love to play purity police these days and complain about how nasty people get can, but listen. Listen. Do you have any idea how dark FFdotnet got back in the day? Legolas And Aragorn Get Captured By Orcs And Brutally Tortured was an entire genre. I feel like torture fic was actually a lot more common back then, and darkfic in general - I’m sure someone could write a whole thesis on why it’s not so prevalent anymore, I’m gonna guess the fact that fandom is less-insulated and more public now could be part of it, maybe also the fact that the internet is more social media/influencer culture based so people care about their image, and also the purity police which is its own kettle of worms, but I also think that the Bush Administration had something to do with it? You have all these kids who were pre-teens when 9/11 happened, growing up during the Iraq War with an awful presidential administration while everyone was scared and conservative Christianity started to realize that their control over the nation’s “morality” might be slipping and reacted accordingly......yeah there was a lot of darkfic back then.

And I read a lot of darkfic too, but, uh....well, statistically speaking, a lot of writing is bad, okay? A lot of those fics were just weird; you could see where the writer had this idea, and also where they failed to execute it in a way that resonated or made sense. And whatever, writers were young and just wanted to pound out some catharsis, it’s cool, but it still just felt narratively awkward when you could tell how the writer was more focused on LET’S MAKE THIS AS DARK AS POSSIBLE instead of “Let’s tell this as well as possible.”

So the first several attempts at writing the brainwashing scenes, I was nervous because I didn’t want to get TOO dark, and when I finally decided “eff it” and said to Stingrae “I think I need to let this be as dark as it needs to be” I was still nervous because I didn’t want it to end up WEIRD. Idk if that makes sense, but anyway I seem to have done a decent job at it!

As for parts I dislike the most, uhhhhh Iroh’s retreat (I didn’t care, I just wanted to get it over with), Enlai might’ve been promoted too fast? idk, the fact that I came up with Nanyue AFTER I finished publishing GG so I couldn’t work that into the Quy bits, the fact that I was young and innocent and didn’t understand sexual slang or innuendo and randomly chose Dong as the name of the court physician which could lead to some awful puns except no one ever seemed to pick up on that and maybe I’ll regret pointing it out but the man IS going to appear again so I might as well get the first shot in myself. XD

I might have GG2 stuff to talk about but not sure, if I do I’ll make another post on that!

<3

[anotheratlablog]

Headcanon:

Even before lu ten's death Iroh was disillusioned by the fire nation's conquest.

At the begining of his military career, he was a true nationalist ESPECIALLY after meeting the dragons; he felt the war was setting aflame to the old and rotting to make way for a new, better way of living and with the avatar gone who better to lead the world than the children of the strongest element, fire.

But the war went on and the fire nation's methods of waging war became more and more brutal to iroh's well known displeasure. No longuer were earth kingdom villages and cities given the option to surrender, the age of conscription kept lowering, more civilians were getting killed and torture was becoming standard when it was once a rarity.

Iroh would often rant to his friends, that the fire nation was losing it's way, that they were becoming like the very "savages" they were trying to save, he'd blame this corruption on the new captains and generals, on the recruitment of people from the colonies but never really on the war itself.

So he continued the conquest, not only because he had no other choice (lol its not like azulon would let him quit) but so his own son could rule over a world in peace, and not be burdened by the hard descisions that comes with waging war (and also, so lu ten could spend time with his own children instead being out on the front or in meetings)

And then the siege against ba sing se happened, it was one of the longuest military campaigns in fire nation history and so many people died, the smell of smoke hanged in the air, it was the first time iroh saw the dead body of a child and it made him so... tired and weary and so unlike the arrogant, idealist and powerful young man he once was

When iroh got word of lu ten's death, ambushed by enemy squadrons behind the wall (dai li agents). Well...that was just straw that broke the camel's back

[attackfish]

5 HCs for your au where Iroh finds brainwashed Lu Ten in Ba Sing Se after the war and Katara heals him

Continued from: [Link], [Link] and [Link].

1. At first the tea shop is a sanctuary, a place where Lu Ten can just be, and figure what that means, to be Lu Ten again. No one expects too much of him there. He can serve tea under his father’s indulgent eye or retreat to their apartment as he chooses. He doesn’t have to be Prince Lu Ten, cousin of the Firelord. And the worst part is how weak Lu Ten feels, and how fragile, and how much he needs that.

2. He knows he’s running away from things, hiding in a life that is easy, much easier than it ever was before the Dai Li made him into their toy soldier. And he knows his father only allows it because he’s so happy to have him back, a d his cousin only allows it because he feels sorry for him. He remembers being the golden boy of the Fire Nation royal family, and the one Zuko looked up to. And now Zuko is Firelord, and he pities Lu Ten.

3. And yet. And yet Iroh’s tea shop is in Ba Sing Se, and everywhere Lu Ten looks, there is that pervading knowledge that he is in foriegn lands, behind the lines of the enemy that made him this way. It’s like an itch, worse than an itch, like something constantly crawling over his skin. He is in Ba Sing Se, the war is over, and there is no getting back what was lost.

4. Zuko never announced his return from the dead. There are good reasons for this. Aside from whatever it would do to the succession to have someone with a rival and possibly better claim to the throne around, there is the reaction of the Fire Nation public to the fact that the Earth Kingdom held their crown prince’s son captive for years, torturing and humiliating him. And there is the fact that announcing Lu Ten’s existence means putting pressure on him. It means forcing him to act as a prince. It means making him into a public figure. And Zuko can’t bring him home without it being public, not practically.

5. Really it would almost be okay feeling this miserable all the time if he just had the energy to feel miserable with. Some days he just can’t make himself get out of bed. It’s on one of these days that Zuko visits and asks if he would like to go home.

[electronswrites]

So, random thought crossed my mind about this dark!Lu Ten story. (Don’t hate me.) But let’s say Lu Ten and Zuko are out together “bonding” and Lu Ten decides he’s going to give Zuko to the Generals. Not to Long Feng, because Lu Ten was there and so many problems there. But Earth Kingdom Generals would crush firebenders hands. Lu Ten just can’t walk Zuko to them and say here! Fire Prince! He can, however, burn Zuko enough to make him out of it (or drug him, but burning seems more fun, maybe even both, who knows?) and take him to the Generals. He tells them who Zuko is. (He lies/makes up a reason as to why-could be he was in war and saw Zuko and heard them call him Prince Zuko-whatever)

What would happen after that? What would Iroh do/say when he found out?

Look at this glorious angst. Yum.

So, here's the thing. Lu Ten HATES the Earth Kingdom. He hates them A LOT. So for him to help them, even if it screws over someone he hates EVEN MORE, he has to be getting something pretty big out of it.

Maybe it's military intelligence. Maybe it's a powerful weapon. Whatever it is, the army has to invest something into acquiring Zuko, so they're FURIOUS when he turns out to be... pretty useless actually.

Ozai isn't interested in negotiating for him. He doesn't care. Zuko doesn't know anything about Ozai's plans. He's been in Ba Sing Se for months. There's nothing useful they can do with him.

So they're frustrated. This frustration is, of course, taken out on their useless prisoner. Zuko stays in prison until the end of the war. Between the torture and neglect, he doesn't fare well.

Lu Ten told Zuko that this was Iroh's plan, and Zuko believes him. Zuko thinks that everyone he loves wants him dead. He keeps waiting for the Earth Kingdom to kill him, but they don't because of the sunk cost fallacy.

Iroh is desperate to find Zuko, but he has no idea where he went. Eventually he accepts that Zuko ran away. He decides to give Zuko his space and hope he reaches out one day. (Oh, Iroh...)

When the war ends and Iroh finds out that Zuko has been a prisoner THIS WHOLE TIME he is "uninterested in negotiating" in a very different way from how Ozai was. Rather than being unwilling to give anything for his nephew, Iroh is willing to give them whatever they want. He just wants Zuko back. No grandstanding. Name your price.

So... Zuko is valuable now. They can hold his life over Iroh's head for the rest of his reign. Iroh should have been a bit more subtle.

Iroh does eventually figure out the one thing that can make the Earth Kingdom actually turn Zuko over to Iroh immediately for. Ozai. Yes, they would very much like to torture Ozai forever.

So Iroh gets Zuko back. He isn't in great shape, but Iroh gets him back. Zuko assumes this is the prelude to his long-awaited execution. He doesn't understand why Iroh is giving him good food, soft sheets and a door that locks from the inside instead of the outside right before killing him, but Uncle always did have a weird sense of humor.

Lu Ten is more than happy to explain these oddities to Zuko. You see, Firelord Iroh, in his infinite benevolence, has decided to give Zuko one last chance to regain his honor. All Zuko needs to do is commit Seppuku before Iroh gets sick of waiting and has him executed. Then Zuko will have regained his honor. He might even be allowed a place in the Family Shrine.

Firelord Iroh is so generous.

[dargons-and-virbs]

It’s The Little Things, Part 1

James Baker had always been a man of God. Raised in the Pentecostal Church, he became a preacher man just like his father. He had worked hard to ensure that his family, his community, and his country followed God’s law as outlined in the Holy Scriptures.

At the age of 73, he found himself in a hospice bed riddled with cancer. The last words he spoke to his family were “I love you, and I hope to see you with me in the Kingdom of God.” He would pass away that night in his sleep.

He knew that he was dead, but something was wrong. He wasn’t standing in front of the pearly gates, he was standing by his hospital bed, watching his wife and three daughters cry.

He tried to rest a hand on his wife’s shoulder in a gesture of comfort, but nearly fell as his ghostly form passed right through her material body. There was nothing at all he could do to ease their emotional suffering.

Just as he was wondering what was going on, the earth began to shake, though none of the living people seemed to be aware of it. James stared in awe at the depression forming in the floor, cracking the tiles as it grew deeper. All at once, the debris fell through the newly created hole, and seconds later he jumped backward in surprise. A geyser of lava shot up through the hole in the floor, stretching up into infinity.

Ten seconds passed, but James in his total fear would have said it was ten years, before a figure strolled casually out from the pillar of molten rock. James didn’t know the term for what he was looking at beyond “faggot” or “homosexual”, but the young man who had appeared before him was most definitely a twink.

The boy was somewhere around 5’8”, and thin as could be. His hair looked as if it were made of gold, and was trimmed short on the sides. The hair on top was whipped into frenzied, yet somehow perfectly neat waves. He sported black, heart-shaped sunglasses, a black tank top with the word “Daddy” written across the chest in a font that seemed to be melting, a pair of tight fitting skinny jeans, and combat boots. Needless to say, James Baker was without words.

“So you’re Jimmy Jackass, right?” The young man definitely sounded like a flamboyant homosexual- high pitched, sing-songy, and with a slight lisp. James did not answer vocally, only nodding his head in affirmation.

“I know it’s probably a little off putting, me showing up here the way I did. What can I say? I love a production.” With that, he smiled. His perfectly white teeth were just a little too pointed. Definitely not human.

James finally spoke. “What is going on here? Who are you?”

The boy pretended to process James’ words, as if he really had to think about it, before replying, “Well, you’re dead, obviously. And honestly, you should know who I am. I literally showed up in fire and brimstone. You humans are so dumb. I’m Lucifer, bearer of light, the Devil, Satan, Beelzebub, et cetera. You can call me Lu.”

James stood stock still, the expression on his face would have indicated such severe dissociation that his soul left his body if his soul had not literally left his body already. How could this be? He never drank, or smoked, or cursed. He nurtured and cared for his family, never once abusing them. He was loved by his congregation and the food pantry he volunteered with. By all accounts, he had lived his life with the Bible in one hand and his wife’s hand in the other.

Seeing the hopeless expression on the sinner’s face, Lucifer laughed. “You’re probably wondering how you could possibly be meeting me instead of God, right? What could you have done wrong? Well, Jimmy, what you did wrong is looking you in the face.”

“Wh-what do you mean?” Even outside of his physical body, his heart was beating at a pace that, were he hooked up to an EEG, it would probably be confused for a-systole. “How could this be my mortal sin?”

Lucifer lowered his head so that his eyes could be seen over the black, heart-shaped sunglasses he was wearing. Never before had James seen the sulphur-yellow eyes of a demon. This was really the Devil, wasn’t it?

“Let me answer your question with a few of my own. Don’t worry, you don’t have to answer verbally. We both know the answers already.”

Lucifer was right. They would know the answers. James didn’t like where this was going at all. He prayed, silently, that this was some kind of test of his faith. He prayed for God to guide him. What James didn’t know is that once a person dies and is to be ferried (or in this case, “fairied”) to Hell, God does the equivalent of blocking your number. God wouldn’t help him, God was going to abandon him.

“Do you believe that the Bible alone contains the perfect moral code? Do you believe that your faith is the one true faith, and that all the non-believers get to meet this gorgeous mug? Do you believe that men are the providers and women belong in the home? Do you believe that even if a woman is raped, the pregnancy throws her into alternating panic and despair from the resulting trauma, then finds out that giving birth will kill her as well as the child, that she should still be denied an abortion? Do you believe that the men and women who fought and died for your country are going to hell just because it isn’t a “Christian Nation” anymore? Do you believe that snakes are evil just ‘cause I supposedly talked a lady into eating a fruit? Do you believe that homosexuals, bisexuals, or any other non-heterosexual individuals are impure and deserve my tender loving care on that basis alone?”

James had to admit that when framed like that, it sounded horrible. But this was Satan. His two talents were convincing people to sin and convincing them they’re sinners, right? He was sure this was a test now.

“Yes,” James replied, trying to rely on the faith that landed him in this situation in the first place, “I do believe those things. The Lord God, the Almighty, Loving Father has said so, and I must believe in His Wisdom, which he shares with us in His Word, the Bible.”

If you’ve ever seen someone choke down a laugh, imagine that but put the Dark Prince, the King of Demons, the most feared being in the place that is literally designed to be painful and scary, doing that. That’ll kill your ego faster than a bullet. James tried not to show it, but already he was falling apart, little by little.

“Wow. I haven’t met one of you yet that had the balls to stand up to me. Then again, I tailor the costume to each of you. It’s the highlight of my day when I get to watch them realize the exact moment in their life that sealed their fate. Yours is gonna be fucking fantastic. How about we play a little game? Get in.”

James was once again flabbergasted when he found the two of them outside the hospital beside a parked candy apple red Mini Cooper, complete with vanity plate: “FLAMING” in a font that looked like, well, fire. Unfortunately for James, no matter how much he consciously tried to stay put, his “body” seemed to have a mind of its own, puppeteering him into a car he could swear he had no business in. He did not like the fuzzy pink everything, he did not like the fact that he was in a car that Lucifer was driving, and he did not like the music about being born whatever way. He could not understand why he couldn’t stop himself from playing along. Had God really forgotten him? (Spoiler Alert: The answer is yes.)

The game, James found out, was to guess your worst offense before you arrive at the check-in desk. If you do, you get an hour to make peace with your fate. If you don’t, he will tell you. And as soon as the weight of your sin hits you the torture begins. He could not possibly have done anything to deserve this. Another test. He wondered what he had to do to pass, and for an instant he wondered if he could.

James did feel he had some kind of advantage in that he could decide what memory he would parrot to Lucifer. “Was it the time I told Momma it was the dog that ate those cookies when I was 9?”

The boyish demon gave a gentle grin and said, “Oh, Jimmy. It would never be something so bland and benign. Guess again.” With that, the road ahead of them cracked and caved, and Satan drove them down the broken road. Strangely enough, the ramp-like section was maybe twenty feet long, maximum, but since they went sub-surface it had somehow stretched into a long highway. All the way down it was scorching desert with sporadic skeletons and the occasional crow. In the distance you can see that the highway leads to what looks like a city on fire.

“How about the time I told Susie Day that I swore I didn’t see anything that time I accidentally walked in on her changing while I was at her brother’s house when I was 13?” Okay, he vaguely remembered that. What made that bad, he wondered? He should have said “I’m sorry that I caused you distress when I accidentally walked in, I know that is very uncomfortable and I want you to know that I never want to put you in a situation that makes you uncomfortable” instead of “Oh, calm down Susie! I didn’t even see anything!”

The devil, in his twink body, smiled bigger, but he was starting to look different. He was starting to change, but James couldn’t quite pin down what it was.

“Hm. Moved up to ‘caused someone undue emotional stress and then blamed them’ from ‘blame it on the dog’. I like where this is headed. Go fish.”

James didn’t understand why that was bad, but it didn’t matter. He could whip out his childhood white lies for at least a few days, if that’s all he ever did wrong.

“What about when I was 16 and told that girl I loved her so she’d sleep with me? That was a nasty break up.” He wasn’t perfect, he hadn’t really done anything wrong though because she agreed to it, right? Wrong. When he gets a turn in the solitary sensory deprivation pit for a millennium or two he’ll get to realize what was wrong. He had used something he knew someone was vulnerable to in order to get what he wanted. He baited her, deceived her, and manipulated her for selfish gain and something she took more seriously than he did.

Lu’s features were becoming exaggerated. He was morphing into some nightmarish caricature of the fragile looking kid that he had met just minutes ago. The grin was now just too large to be natural, his teeth looked sharper somehow, and James could swear that horns were starting to grow through his hair. He hoped that was it, he might only have one chance, and he was losing faith that this was a test that God wanted him to overcome.

“Excellent use of coercion. You put your needs above others then didn’t you?” The Devil chuckled, and even his laughter had become exaggerated and unnerving. “We’re getting close, Jimmy. This might be your last chance. For the opportunity to collect yourself for one solid hour before we send you off to Damnation Station, what is the most vile thing you’ve ever done?”

James was suddenly aware that it was his steadfastness to his beliefs that got him here. Maybe it wasn’t something he did consciously. How many things could he have done or said that he simply wasn’t aware of? He was doomed, but had one more shot. All or nothing.

“There was the time that I walked right by that nerd that bully was beating up, but I don’t step into fights because I’m a pacifist, and I figured the kid would just get a couple bruises. All I saw was some shoving and a slap or two. I had no idea he was gonna end up with broken bones, but would Jesus have traded blows with a bully?”

The whole world went silent, save for the chilling intake of breath and relaxed sigh of a satisfied monster.

“Actually, yes. He would. And he did a couple times, they just left those bits out. I usually let you all figure these ones out on your own since you’ve got all the time in the world, but this one is gold. You wouldn’t have had to do much. That bully was afraid of you, you were bigger and stronger and the preacher’s son. You could have told him to scram and that nerd would have nothing worse than a slightly puffy cheek and a bruised shoulder. But you didn’t intervene. Your rationale wasn’t even pacifism at the time, you fossil. Your rationale was that your abusive asshole father would beat the piss out of you for getting in the middle of something that didn’t concern you. But- you’re out of time, Jimmy. Good game. Get out.”

They had pulled up to a massive gate of twisted wrought-iron. A huge sign that looked like it was painted with blood that said “Check-In” was pointing to the right side of the gate, where it met with the stone wall reminiscent of gothic cathedrals that surrounded the massive city. As Lu walked him to the desk, there was a spring in his step and he hummed a haunting melody.

At the desk was probably another demon, but this one (as James may or may not find out at some point in the infinite future) was a ghoulish looking Leather Daddy. Complete with leather everything and a sketchy 1970s mustache. As they approached, he greeted them with a deep bow.

“Hello, my Lord. What do you require of me? I will gladly d-“ he was cut off.

“Skip the formalities, Evan. This one didn’t guess. Pull up his file.” He flashed a look at the devastated soul that said the Devil’s favorite moment is finally here. “Baker, James. 73 years old. From BFE.”

Evan looked up from the computer screen (yeah, they have computers, too, it’s the 21st century) with absolute glee in his dead, black eyes. “Shit. I can’t believe I get to witness one this brutal. Thank you, my Lord.”

Without acknowledging his servant’s excitement, Lucifer dove into the monologue that would crush the last bit of hope James Baker had left, the speech that would thrust him into his eternal torment.

To be continued.....

[runrundoyourstuff]

@sanna27 asked for an AU in which Azula is the Avatar. Buckle-up kids, because this one is about to get real dark and depressing, real fast. A cw on this one for mentions of death and torture.

1) Aang dies with his people. The Waterbending Avatar that follows him dies as a teenager in the first wave of invasions of the Southern Water Tribe, before anyone in the Fire Nation realizes that she’s the Avatar, and the Earthbeding Avatar that follows her is a Sandbender who lives in the Si Wong Desert. Because the Fire Nation has more or less left the Sandbenders alone, this Avatar remains neutral in the War--and no one outside of his small tribe knows that he is, in fact, the Avatar. He dies in a sandstorm in his fifties, in obscurity.

2) In this universe also, Azula is born a Firebending prodigy, and thus favored by Ozai and prodded into competition with her brother at a young age. But when she is five years old, she Waterbends while attempting to play a joke on Zuko, turning the water in the turtleduck pond into ice after pushing Zuko into it. (She Airbends before this, but because no one is looking for it, and because minor feats of Airbending are more-or-less invisible, no one notices until after she Waterbends.)

3) Ozai, of course, still sees Azula as a means to achieving his own power. But in this universe, he is not the only one to want to use her. Azulon, too, sees this as a huge benefit to the War effort, and sees Azula as the Fire Nation’s potential greatest weapon in the War. His strategic priority changes to capturing potential bending masters for Azula. Iroh conquers Omashu easily, years before laying siege to Ba Sing Se, because of the rumors of the strong Earthbending King. Bumi is brought back as a prisoner to the Fire Nation.  In this universe, when the Southern Raiders go in search of the last Waterbender in the Southern Water Tribe, they mean to capture her. Ozai, who as Azula’s father and sort of handler, has been given honorary command of this mission, goes with them. When Kya lies to protect Katara, Ozai asks her to prove that she’s the Waterbender, and it is only when she can’t that Yon Rha kills her. But in this universe, because they know that Kya isn’t the Waterbender, they keep looking. And when they find that Katara--an untrained child the same age as her potential pupil--is the last Waterbender, Ozai deems her an inappropriate teacher and has Yon Rha kill her on the spot. Because they still need a Waterbending Master, Azulon has the Navy lay Siege to the North years before they otherwise might have, and because there is no Avatar there in this universe to merge with the Ocean Spirit and defeat them, the Fire Nation is successful. They capture Pakku, and bring him back as a prisoner also.

4) Azula studies the elements. Airbending she learns, before either of the prisoners are brought to the Palace, from an academic who specializes in the Airbending scrolls taken during the Air Nomad Genocide. It’s far from an ideal learning situation, and he’s not a great teacher, but Azula is a bending prodigy, so she learns. Both Bumi and Pakku are active members of the Order of the White Lotus, and when they each start training her, try to convince her to turn against the war effort. But each of their sessions with Azula is highly supervised, and whenever they try to talk to her about something--anything--other than the element they’re each supposed to be training her in, they’re brutally beaten and tortured. Pakku eventually succumbs, and stops talking to Azula about anything other than Waterbending. Bumi doesn’t, no matter how many burns he earns himself. But it’s in vain--Azula has already been too throughly indoctrinated by her father, grandfather, and Nation.

5) By the time she is nine-years-old, Azula has more or less mastered the elements. She is sent with Iroh to Ba Sing Se as a sort of “secret weapon,” and witnesses Lu Ten’s death with him. Just as in canon, Iroh is heartbroken, crushed by grief, and ready to call the Siege off. But in this universe, Azula grieves also, and her grief manifests itself as rage. She goes into the Avatar State, singlehandedly brings down the Inner Wall, and leads the Fire Nation troops in their storming of the city. The Earth Kingdom falls that very day. 

(NOTE: I don’t quite remember, but it’s possible that @attackfish wrote an instance of a Sandbending Avatar in one of her AUs and that subconsciously gave me this idea? I don’t remember where, or if she wrote it at all, but I’m crediting her to avoid accidentally plagiarizing on point #1!) 

[chineselanguageblog]

the Mid-Autumn Festival

The Mid-autumn Festival originated from the custom of moon worship in the ancient China. And the custom of moon worships dated back to the Zhou Dynasty more than 3,000 years ago. The ancient emperor then regarded the sun as the masculine and the moon as the feminine. So, people would worship the lunar deity at night in the autumn of the lunar calendar. For thousands of years, such imperial sacrificial activities have gradually evolved into the folk moon worship and moon watching. Although the contents of this festival have changed since many dynasties passed, but its date on the 15th day of the 8th lunar month has seldom changed.

Why on the 15th day of the 8th lunar month?

There are several reasons for the Mid-autumn Festival was set on the 15th day of the 8th lunar month. First, from the perspective of natural condition, we take the 8th lunar month as the Mid-autumn Festival, for the seventh, eight and ninth lunar months being to autumn and the eighth is just in the middle. And the moon on the 15th day is especially round and bright. In the autumn, it is a little humid. But the humid would be driven away by dry and cold wind from the north. So, the weather at this period of time would be very fine and the moon is also especially bright.

What’s more, because we can see the full moon clearly, it’s easy for us to associate the moon with a relation among people and expect to reunite with relatives. Of course, this is also a harvest season when people would feel pleasant. In such a pleasant festival, people always wish the world could be perfectly satisfactory and families could gather together. All these factors make this festival be arranged in the Mid-autumn Festival.

Documented about the Mid-autumn Festival

About the Mid-autumn Festival, the 15th day of the 8th lunar month, there are many poems in the Tang Dynasty. It’s counted that in the “Complete Tang Poems”, there are 111 people with the title of “Mid-autumn Festival” or “the 15th day of the 8th lunar month”. In the Tang Dynasty. Actually, there was already the term, the “15th day of the 8th lunar month”, But, no documents have clearly stated that the Mid-autumn was a festival and how the people celebrated it.

Until the Song Dynasty, the books, “Dongjing Meng Hua Lu”, and “Meng Liang Lu”, clearly recorded that the Mid-autumn was already a festival in the Song Dynasty. It’s recorded that in the Northern Song Dynasty, on the Mid-autumn Festival, people would buy a lot of liquors. Sometimes, after a shop sold up its liquors, it would put away its signboard. All people celebrated this festival happily. And said that at that time, there were also some imperial tributes like grapes and mooncakes.

The “Rainbow-Skirt Feathered-Dress Dance” 霓裳羽衣曲

The “Rainbow-Skirt Feathered-Dress Dance” was praised as a melody that could only be heard in the heaven but rarely on the earth.

The melody is known as “the melody from the moon” is the “Rainbow-Skirt Feathered-Dress Dance”, a classic of the Chinese Tang Dynasty. It’s said that the melody was composed by Li Longji, the Emperor Tang Dynasty, in the Mid-autumn Festival. During the reign of Emperor Xuanzong of Tang, the melodious sound of the “Rainbow-Skirt Feathered-Dress Dance” would spread in the imperial palace every Mid-autumn Festival. It’s very vigorous, and it makes us calm. It’s very intoxicating as if we were in a fairyland on the earth.

Legend of the “Rainbow-Skirt Feathered-Dress Dance”

One day, exactly, on a Mid-autumn Festival night, Li Longji, the Emperor of Tang Dynasty, was watching the moon very excited when suddenly he came up with an idea. He wanted to go to the moon. So he consulted the imperial astronomer. The imperial astronomer said no problem. So, he sent the emperor to the moon where he heard a melody and saw the dance of the fairies. Then, he became excited and memorized this melody.

On the way back, exactly, in Luzhou, today’s Changzhi of Shanxi Province. In the bright and clear moonlight, the whole world was quiet. Then, the emperor said, “Ah, how enchanting that melody and dance are!” The imperial astronomer said. “Why don’t you play this melody here with a jade flute? The emperor agreed. So he played this melody with a jade flute. Then, before he left, he and some attendants spread some money from their pockets in the Luzhou city. More than ten days later, the officials of Luzhou reported to the emperor that on the night of the 15th day of the 8th lunar month, they heard the melody from the heaven and picked some money. It was an auspicious sign.

It’s said that later the emperor asked the imperial astronomer. “Can I go there again”? The imperial astronomer smiled and said, only on the night of the 15th day of the 8th lunar month could the emperor visit the moon palace. So, in the folklore, the “Rainbow-Skirt Feathered-Dress Dance” and the 15th day of the 8th lunar month are linked together. So, in that time, in the Tang Dynasty, people already celebrated the Mid-autumn Festival on the 15th day of the 8th lunar month.

Three symbols of the Mid-Autumn festival (mooncakes, goddess of the moon and Rabbit God)

1, mooncake

1) when is the earliest time when mooncakes first appear? The earliest mooncakes appeared a long time ago. For some round foods, we called them “cake”. In those days, cakes were always baked, steamed or cooked in many other methods. As for its special name “cake”, it could date back to the Tang Dynasty. In the Tang Dynasty, it is said that after a general won battles, he brought some “hu cake” from the western regions. When the emperor and the queen (the Imperial Concubine Yang) enjoying the moon, they ate “hu cake”.

After eating some, they thought it was tasty. Then the emperor said to the queen (the Imperial Concubine Yang), this “hu cake” was so delicious but its name was not good. Could you change a name for it? The queen (the Imperial Concubine Yang) agreed and she looked at the moon which was round as the “hu cake”. So she said mooncake was good and it was better than “hu cake”. So some people say the name of the mooncake come from “hu cake”.

2) Why eat mooncakes during the Mid-autumn Festival?

There is a Chinese folk story about it. It is widely believed that in the late Yuan Dynasty, the massed began to raise a rebellion against the Yuan Dynasty. Zhu Yuangzhang, the leader of the insurrectionary army, prepared to ally various insurgent forces to attack the Great Capital of the Yuan Dynasty. But officers and soldiers were strict in checking contact letters, so it was difficult for them to pass on the message of rebellion. Liu Bowen, the military counselor in Zhu Yuangzhang’s army, came up with a plan that he proposed to hide scrips written with “Uprise on the Mid-autumn Festival Night” in cakes and then gave out cakes to those soldiers to inform them about the rebellion. On the Mid-autumn Festival, insurgent forces who had received cakes responded highly and the great capital of the Yuan Dynasty was occupied soon.

After Zhu Yuanzhang became the emperor, he was so glad that awarded “mooncakes” once used to pass on message secretly as gifts to all ministers. Therefore, there is a custom of eating mooncakes in Mid-autumn Festival. The fact is that its real origin is hard to know. But we can definitely say that the very time when mooncakes are used as sacrificial offerings is from Ming Dynasty.

In the Ming Dynasty, it is assured that people would eat mooncakes on the 15th day of the 8th lunar month.

2, Chang’e (a beautiful goddess of the moon) and toadBesides eating mooncakes in the Mid-autumn Festival, most people watch the moon. In China, there are many tales about the moon.

In “Classic of Mountains and Seas” exists description of the sun and the moon. It describes that a three-legged crow lives in the sun. So we usually call the sun Golden Crow. Simultaneously, “Classic of Mountains and Seas,” says that the moon is a toad, it is a symbol of the moon.

In fact, the toad was the idol for many tribes and ethnicities. It originated from such a fact that frogs are productive. And its stomach will be flat sometimes and be bulged in another time. Which is like the shape of waxing and waning of the moon. In ancient times, people worshiped toads. It mainly rooted in a kind of reproduction worship. Toads are very fertile. A toad can produce 5,000 spawns once. Therefore, in the view of the ancients, toads symbolized fertility and happiness.

Besides, they are nocturnal. Tradition has it that people treated them as the embodiment of the moon, and even think the Chang’e, the goddess of the moon flying to the moon and turned into a toad. So, almost all ancient women would worship the moon and the goddess of the moon in the Mid-autumn Festival to express their wishes of having more children and more happiness. Among the people, the tradition that “men don’t worship the moon” has been reserved all the time.

That’s also the reason why the ancient Chinese people also call the moon as the toad.

3, Jade Rabbit and Rabbit God on the moon, of course, we know there is a so-called Jade Rabbit

There’s a legend about the Jade Rabbit, that a plague hit the capital city one year. Many common people fell ill, and taking medicine was of no use. Chang’e, the goddess of the moon in the heaven felt very sorry for the common people suffering from torture, so she sent the Jade Rabbit to the earth to eliminate the plague. The Jade Rabbit cured the sickness and saved the patient from door to door, helping people go through the disaster. The Jade Rabbit didn’t ask return for its deeds of merit, and it only borrowed clothes from people to wear. So the Jade Rabbit had many images then. In order to thank the Jade Rabbit, people began to worship the Jade Rabbit as Rabbit God. The Rabbit God just became a target for ancient men and children to worship in the Mid-autumn Festival.

So people call it Rabbit God who is in the general’s costume. These above are its two long ears. It is in an embroidered robe, helmet. In general, it also rides on a tiger or other animals. Such a Rabbit God may not be a very serious and august object for worship from beginning to end. But it does give us a special and grateful expectation.

Chinese ethnic minorities

About twenty minorities celebrate the Mid-autumn Festival, such as the Axi people, a branch of the Yi people, celebrate it with dancing under the moon. When the Axi people dance under the moon, they form a circle, celebrating the Mid-autumn Festival in the most excited mood and happiest atmosphere. Their dance reflects their appreciation, worshiping and reverence toward the moon and expresses their gratitude to the harvest and the happy life as well.

Except for Axi’s dancing under the moon, a straw dragon dance in the Mid-autumn Festival prevails in some regions in Zhejiang Province. As for the straw dragon dance, it twists a large rope with straws first, and then bundles a dragon head and tail two ends of the rope, so that a dragon is formed. Plug burning incenses on the rope and villagers perform the straw dragon dance with burning incenses on the sunning ground. With the straw dragon dancing, sparks fly everywhere.

Reunion and Missing become the constant theme of the Mid-autumn Festival

From time immemorial, many poems about come down and have been appreciated by later generations. On a Mid-autumn Festival night, Su Shi (a great poet in Song Dynasty) drank a lot and got drunk heavily at that time, then he suddenly thought of his younger brother. So, he wrote a very famous poem of “Wishing We Last Forever (但願人長久)”. In this poem, although Su Shi expressed the sadness of toiling in obscurity, he further showed his endless yearning for his younger brother Su Zhe.

Wishing We Last ForeverWhen will the moon be clear and bright? With a cup of wine in hand, I ask the blue sky.I don’t know what time of the year, it would be in the palace on high. Though a thousand miles apart, we are still able to share the beauty of the moon together.

In the Mid-autumn Festival in A.D. 1076, the 41-year-old Su Shi hadn’t reunited with his families for seven years because of political exile. In the seven years, Su Shi held a variety of government positions throughout China. He had asked for transfer many times, hoping to be close to his younger brother Su Zhe. But this wish never came true. Being separated from families for many years made Su Shi miss families so much in this Mid-autumn Festival. Taking advantage of tipsy feeling and looking at the bright moon, Su Shi finished this Mid-autumn Festival masterpiece which has been handed down for thousands of years.

This poem depicts the moon and meanwhile, it expresses the yearning for families in the Mid-autumn Festival. He said, “Is it because men had made any mistakes, the moon tends to be full when our families were apart?” he thought of his brother, Then, without waiting, he said that maybe he shouldn’t think so, because men’s partings and reunions were like the moon’s waxing and waning. They are very common from ancient times to the present, it’s quite difficult for us to change them as we wish. At this moment, his sole aspiration was that we all could look at the moon and live in the world forever. The last line “Though a thousand miles apart, we are still able to share the beauty of the moon together”. The moon indicates Chang’e who is a very charming female, but in fact here we use it to stand for the moon. It said that we were at different places, though we were miles apart, we shared the same moon together. The moon will connect you and me as if we were together. So this poem must be widely recited in the Mid-autumn Festival.

Reunion and Missing

Finally, the Mid-autumn Festival, if we can use one word to summarize it, it would be yearning. This is a festival for missing. To miss our families, miss our hometown, and miss our motherland. Especially for the overseas Chinese, when they meet the day of the Mid-autumn Festival, the ethnic Chinese in various regions, whether the chamber of commerce or the natives association, they organize lots of celebration activities.

Actually, the reunion is the communication of emotions, namely, sense of identity. If we all have such kind of emotion, it is likely that our society will be harmonious. Regarding festival, we have a deep understanding. Knowing its history and a lot of stories about it, our feelings will be different. With such feeling, we will love it protect it and inherit it to create a new life. It is the significance of the festival.

[muffinlance]

I had a thought the other day that I thought you might appreciate: Dai Li-tortured Lu Ten meeting Hama-raised Zuko.

Shared hobbies include:

1) Trauma

2) Attacking Ozai on sight

These activities combine astoundingly well.