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anyalovesu · 8 months ago

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tolerate it.

ix. i know my love should be celebrated

— “but then, i also changed. probably more than he did. leon was meeting a stranger more than i was when i met him again after four years.”

“Hindi pa ako ready umuwi,” Eli sighed, hugging Leo closer as they sat on the warm sand watching the waves crash to the shore under a tree shade. “Ikaw, bubs? Gusto mo na ba umuwi si Ninang?”

The toddler babbled, wobbling as he tried to stand up by holding onto Eli’s shoulders. “No, ‘wi ninam.”

“Oh, ayaw daw,” Leon laughed, caressing the back of his head as the kid chuckled, proud of himself for what he just said. “P’wede namang hindi muna. Anak ka ng may-ari, Eli. You can virtually do anything you want.”

“Dadami ang gagawin ni Ynes if I don’t go back sa city agad,” Eli replied, dejected that she had no choice but to go back. “Sinalo na nga ni kuya ang mga gawain ko this week.”

“You can afford to lose more days, Eli,” he sighed beside her. “Hindi gugunaw ang mundo kung hindi ka makakapagtrabaho ng isang linggo.”

“I know that. I just don’t want to be an inconvenience sa office, they’re already taking up too much work for me dahil ang dami kong ginagawa outside of work. Nakakahiya nang dagdagan pa ‘yon.”

“Hanggang kailan mo sasabihin ‘yan? Paano kapag may anak na tayo? Or may emergency?”

It took a while before Elijah got to respond to that with something snide like she usually would. She doesn’t know why it still shocks her to hear Leon say the most out of pocket shit she’s ever heard but it does. It’s Leon! He’ll always speak before he thinks. This time it wasn’t something weird though.

Kids. With Leon.

The idea of it did not seem repulsive. Especially after seeing Leon play with Leo all day, how gentle he was and how caring he seemed looking after a dependent child, it didn’t trigger her like it did when her papa brought it up the first time. After all, much like her to Cielo, Leon basically raised Bianca as well. He was bound to be great with kids in one way or another.

However, all thoughts aside, Eli chose to take it lightly as he intended it to be.

“What makes you think I’ll let you knock me up, ha?” Eli laughed at him, playfully hitting his arm.

That flustered Leon. He didn’t think of that when he said it. “Situation kasi ‘yon!” He tried to defend himself but his face had already turned a shade of crimson to even think of a way out of the hole he dug himself. “Ito! Ang dumi dumi mo!”

“Ako pa? You were the one who brought it up!”

“Hindi naman nga kasi ‘yon ang ibig sabihin ko!”

“And I was just asking!”

Leon never thought of it before. Having to be that kind of intimate with Eli was something that might’ve crossed his mind when he was a horny teenager, but he has conditioned himself to think that was just plain wrong—and that’s how it’s been. Since then, it has never crossed his mind to wonder what her lips would taste like, or how they would feel against his, or how her cheek would feel like when he would hold her face while they’re at it—maybe even how the rest of her body would feel like when they are both hot and bothered. He didn’t think of it.

Or so he thought.

His mouth forms an ‘O’ when he realized that he does know now what half of that felt like—what her lips would taste like, how it feels—how her cheek would feel when he holds her while they’re at it.

And now he craves it again.

He can’t help but stare at her smiling face, so peaceful for someone who’s been through a lot—he cannot believe it’s bothering him right now that he’s thinking of things that he wants to do if they do end up in that situation. It did not help at all that she’s never looked more unreal than right now, when she’s holding Leo like she probably would if it was their own child.

God. He was stupid to pretend that it was just a “situation”. He did want to have a family with her, raise three kids probably, like both of them had in their own families. He wants to see her teaching their kids to paint like she does so effortlessly—or play guitar, or sing, or play bewitching classical pieces on the piano. He wanted to have kids with her, build a family that wasn’t too far from how they were raised, but different at the same time, because this time they will be there for their children unlike their parents were.

“Do you want to have kids?” she blurted out, snapping him out of his trance. He looked at her fondly… he has never said ‘yes’ to a question that quick before. He was sure of it.

“Ikaw pa rin naman ang masusunod, katawan mo ‘yan eh,” he added, unfolding his arms from his chest to help Leo walk over to him from where he was sitting in front of Eli. “Pero kung ako ang magdadala ng mga bata, yes, gusto ko magka-anak. Ikaw ba?”

“Mga?!”

“Three, para parang kami nila Kuya and kayo nila Kuya Santi,” he chuckled. “Ang saya kaya maging middle child. So underrated.”

“Favorite ka kasi,” she snorted.

“Favorite ka rin naman ni Tito Zaldy at ni Myla, ah?”

“Only when he knows he’s done something wrong,” Eli sighed, feeling the sadness dawn over her again after her mind flew back to their texts this morning. “Only then maalala na n’ya na he has to make it up with me, give me something as consolation. Alam mo naman na ‘yon, hindi ka naman ibang tao. Your parents were there for me more than mine were— pero mine were very involved in Kuya Santi’s and Cielo’s life.

“And Myla has passed already,” she continued, “Wala nang may favorite sa akin. But that’s fine. I can do well naman on my own. I’ve survived 22—fuck 23 na—23 years, nakaya ko naman— well, you were there for most of it, the past four years lang hindi. Pero I’ve done well naman. I’m proud of myself for that.”

“I’m proud of you rin dahil doon,” Leon smiled at her, a soft one, feeling his heart soften as well upon seeing how much Eli has grown in the last four years. Her growth might’ve been headed away from him, but she grew—on her own for that matter. That’s a big thing.

“Nak! Luto na ang pagkain, baka gabihin pa kayo ng uwi! Halina kayo rito!”

Leon was once broken out of his trace when Dolores called from the house, making the both of them stand up, Leon picking up Leo as the child clung to him while they walked back to the house.

They met Rico and Malaya, Leo’s parents, inside of the house. Apparently, Malaya came home early from her day job as a stay-in house helper in the nearby town and managed to help Dolores cook the feast that was in front of them right now.

Malaya could not help but gush at how her baby’s name was co-incidentally was a play of both Leon and Eli’s name. Now, the ongoing joke that Eli wants to be Leo’s godmother might actually come to life, as they are now invited to Leo’s christening a few weeks after their own wedding.

“Matagal na kayo?” Malaya asked her as they stood on the sink, while washing the dishes. “Nababanggit kayo sa amin ni Tita pero hindi pa po kita nakikilala sa personal.”

“Girl, magkasing edad tayo, drop the po,” Eli chuckled at her as she glanced back to Leon who’s bringing down their bags from their separate rooms, contemplating whether she should tell Malaya the truth. Mamay hasn't told her yet, that’s why she’s asking. Maybe it was for the better than some people would not know the entire thing. That being said, Eli decides to tell her the same half truth that she told her wedding organizers, “Ngayong taon lang. Pero magkababata kami.”

“Ang cute naman noon,” she giggled. “Paano n’yo nafigure out na gusto n’yo na magpakasal?”

Pinilit kasi kami. She wanted to say but did not have the guts to.

“When you know you know,” Eli told her. “Ganoon rin siguro kayo ni Rico? Ang bata n’yo rin nagpakasal.”

“Nagkaroon na rin po kasi ng Leo,” she smiled. “Hirap rin pala nang nauna si Leo. Kinailangan kong tumigil sa pagaaral para magtrabaho para sa anak ko, hindi kasi kaya ng sweldo ni Rico ang mga gastusin para kay Leo. Isang taon nalang sana sa Interior Design kaso hindi talaga kaya. Hindi nga pala tayo bubuhayin ng pagmamahal lang. Nakakahiya po kay Ma’am Carmine. Lola n’yo po kasi ang nagpapaaral sa akin. Nagiwan po ng pera ang Lola n’yo na sapat hanggang sa makagraduate ako, tininabi ko nalang muna. Para makapag tuloy pa rin ako kapag ka medyo hindi na ganoon kagastos si Leo.”

Elijah never had that kind of problem. She had the money, but rarely ever had love. Not from her parents, especially now that the love that used to come from Isaac no longer feels real at all. Everything seemed solvable by money but her need to be loved.

“Kayo ga? Kabata n’yo pa rin!” She asked.

Eli thinks back to the time during highschool when she realized that there’s no one in this world that will get her like Leon ever will. No one will ever memorize her algorithms and mishaps like he will. At one point Leon even jokes, a classic one from the books, that if by the time they reach the age of 30 and they still didn’t have partners, they would consider getting married for the money. But that’s what it is now. At 23, getting married for the money. Though the money isn’t for them, really. It was for the hotel that their family businesses were trying to expand to Cebu.

“Siguro hindi ko lang rin talaga nakikita na iba ang makakasama ko for that matter. It’s always been me and Leon,” Eli replied. “His parents were already mine too long before all these. Siguro alam na rin talaga sa amin na noon palang dito rin kami matatapos.”

“Cute,” she giggled again, finishing rinsing the last plate on the sink.

“Eli!” As if on cue, Leon enters the kitchen with Leo clinging to him while he sits on his hip. “Magba-bye na daw ang baby!”

Eli smiles at him fondly, removing her apron before taking Leo into her arms. “Will you miss Ninang, my love?”

The little boy nodded eagerly, tears forming in his eyes as he realized that Eli and Leon were about to leave. “Magiging mabuti siguro kayong magulang ano?” Malaya smiled at them as she wiped the tears from her son’s face.

“Update us about the binyag, we’ll be there, Malaya. Okay?”

“Sure po–” she was cut off by Leo suddenly wailing reaching her for her. “Ay nako, ang bata na ‘yan. Uuwi naman si Ninang at Ninong uli!”

“We’ll be back okay?” Leon chuckled at him, kissing the top of his head since he could not bother moving from where he buried his head on Malaya’s neck. “Babalik kami ni Ninang Eli, Leo.”

But Leo only ended up crying more.

“He’s gonna cry himself to sleep,” Eli laughed as she caressed his head one more time before tugging at Leon’s shirt. “Iiyak ‘yan lalo kapag nagising uli at andito pa tayo.”

“Ang dami nyo pong alam sa mga bata ano?”

“Kailangan alagaan ang mga bunso eh,” Leon chuckled.

“Ah! Kapatid n’yo nga pala po si Bianca Park ano? Yung nasa commercial ng SM?”

Leon felt his heart swell upon the fact that his own little sister has really made a name for herself just from her own hard work. He nodded proudly at Malaya.

“Tuwang tuwa si Leo palagi kapag nakikita n’ya ang commercial na ‘yon!”

“Isasama namin next time,” Leon smiled at her.

“You said I didn’t know why you were going home kahapon noong nagpipilit ako sumama,” Leon mumbled as they sat in the afternoon traffic sa Tagaytay, enjoying the warm pink skies of the afternoon in Tagaytay as they drove home. “Did you really think makakalimutan ko na magbbirthday ka?”

Elijah just looked at him, shocked that he was bringing it up. Truth be told, Leon has been thinking of asking that before they even reached Batangas yesterday, but she seemed too distraught with the news with Isaac. He feared he’d add more salt to the wound if he asked, so he held back.

“I celebrated your existence from the very beginning. For 19 years of your life, I have been there, Ellie. Did you think it didn’t matter to me?” Leon continued upon realizing that Eli wasn’t doing anything to defend herself. It was very Elijah to let everyone critique her and she’d just sit there, allowing people to just point out everything wrong with her. “I mean, you have every right to assume na hindi ko maaalala. To be fair, apat na taon rin akong wala. That’s on me. But I remembered your birthday doon sa mga taon na wala ako. And I’m here now. Hindi ko makakalimutan ‘yon.”

“I just didn’t think it was worth celebrating,” Eli replied honestly. “It’s just another day. Actually, it’s surprising they’re throwing a dinner party for me. I suppose you got the email rin kaninang tanghali? I found it out kela Ynes, earlier bago nila sabihin sa akin through our family groupchat. Funny. All of a sudden, probably because I was an instrument to the company’s expansion, mahalaga na ako. I was worth celebrating na. Besides, I’ve celebrated it with Myla ever since.”

“And me,” he mumbled quietly. “You should be celebrated, Ellie. You deserve that more than you want to admit.”

The car ride was quiet as they let the soft love song play on Elijah’s shuffle playlist. It wasn’t too long until she was peacefully sleeping on the passenger seat with her blanket and neck pillow comfortably wrapped around her. Leon couldn’t help but steal quick glances whenever they stopped at a red light to admire the calmness beside him.

That was the same woman he slept next to last night but of course she wouldn’t remember that. She slept too well and deeply from how she sobbed until she basically passed out. He knew she only remembered that she fell asleep next to him like they used to and thought he’d gotten up when she was asleep.

But Leon remembers everything, even the tone of her breathing and the pace of his own heart beating as it slows down from its frenzy when she laid her head on his chest while she cried. Every single detail about that night haunted him in the most beautiful way because he doesn’t know when he’ll ever get to feel that comfortable again now that they are returning to their normal lives.

Will she stay up late in the office again? Avoid him like she did the past few weeks before yesterday? Pretend like he doesn’t exist again?

—

“Are you okay?” Leon asked, reaching for her hand under the table, leaning closer just so she would hear him properly. Her hands were clammy and cold, shaky even—that alone is enough to confirm that she isn’t feeling very well with the entire situation back in the Yang Residence, but he still wanted to hear from her that she wanted help.

Leon’s heart breaks at the small head shade that she gave, squeezing his hand slightly, feeling her manicured nails dig lightly on the back of his palms. “A bit on edge, sorry.”

Truth be told, she was just waiting for things to get worse. Waiting for an uninsured announcement that's gonna make her life even more complicated than it is like the last dinner party that happened. The time is dragging by so slow and they just wouldn’t announce it right away. Elijah was sitting on the edge of her seat waiting for it, just so she could say that she was ready to hear another one of her parents’ absurd ideas.

“Alis muna tayo or kayo nalang muna ni Ynes?” He asked, though he very much hoped that she would pick him and to his surprise, she agreed to go with him.

He then composes himself and glances at the dragon on the table, Soren Yang, politely, and smiles at him. Soren, much too immersed his delight that his daughter and Leon are doing well with each other, raised his eyebrows in the same polite manner, and asked why. “Medyo masama po ang pakiramdam, magpapahangin po muna.”

Soren nodded, “No problem, dear. Be back though, isserve na yung dessert in while.”

Leon offers stands up, tall and composed before helping Eli up as well. Everyone coos at the sight. “Aye! Protection okay? Hindi si Eli ang dessert!” Tobi playfully chuckles, making Bia, who is sitting next to him, slap his shoulder. “Ang bastos ng bibig mo, okay? Nasa harap ka ng pagkain!”

Everyone giggles at Bianca, their attention shifting on the young girl and how good her table manners are—how good she was raised. Elijah cannot help it, but she sees herself so much in Bianca. It then reminds her of why this marriage must be done. If it’s not her, it’s gonna be Bianca or Cielo or either of their brothers. It would ruin her to think that she allowed for that to happen.

“Hinga muna,” Leon smiled at her as soon as they reached the garden, the both of them sitting on the swing of their old playset.

Oh, that old playset. Countless memories of the both of them knocking each other out of the swing whenever the other pushed too hard. All the scrapes and bruises they had as children, most of them were because of this exact playset.

Now they’re all grown. Set to marry in a few weeks or so.

Despite Leon’s reminder, Elijah only finds it harder to breathe as she looks around reminiscing everything they did here as children. They were no longer children anymore.

“Hala s’ya,” Leon worriedly stands up and walks over to where Elijah was sitting, beginning to hyperventilate. “Tayo ka.”

Elijah knows that method too well, where Leon was going to hug her as tight as he could until the pressure signals to her brain that she is safe and nothing wrong is going to happen. “Bilang ka hanggang 12 tas pabalik.”

It always worked with Leon, without fail. But no one else was able to do it besides him. Not even her own brothers or any of her girl friends were able to successfully do it. They always resorted to just frantically searching for her rescue inhaler to help with her attacks

“It’s not gonna work,” Eli managed to argue while her hand was curling up on the skirt of her dress as she desperately tried to regulate her breathing on her own but it only got worse with every passing second. Her own heartbeat was flooding her ears and her senses were beginning to cloud, only focusing on the fact that something might happen.

“Sumunod ka nalang muna, for once okay? Tigas ng ulo mo kahit kelan,” Leon sighed, pulling her up by her sides before engulfing her in a tight hug. “Bilang,” he orders, which Elijah does in her mind, but instead of counting to 12 and back like she was asked to, she found herself counting the steady beats of Leon’s heart instead, distracting her from the thumps of her own heart.

“Ang hirap mo kalingain, Elijah,” he sighed. “Kailangan makipagaway sa’yo palagi para magpaalaga ka. Hindi naman p’wedeng ganoon. Palagi tayong magaaway kung palagi kang gan’yan.”

“Nakakapikon ka naman kasi talaga.”

“Touche,” he chuckled softly, still maintaining his tight hold on her. “But that’s how I am dati palang. It’s not gonna be Leon if I don’t piss you off.”

Bits of Leon still lingered, she thought. She was so consumed by the fact that it was Leon who walked away first that she didn’t get to see that Leon was still Leon when he was with her and it took him quicker to adjust than she did. Maybe she played the victim to well to notice that Leon was having a hard time with her too and it wasn’t just her.

Nawalan rin si Leon.

Unlike her, Leon lost Margot. The goddess herself. The most ideal woman that Elijah has probably met in her entire life. Margot was a lot to lose.

And Isaac, he probably was just waiting for the perfect moment to break it up with her and be with Louisse. Someone who understood him better than Elijah ever will. Someone who never complains that he’s too busy, because they are busy together.

But that’s besides the point. Leon was still Leon. Eli was the one who changed so much. So much that what used to be normal did not feel normal anymore to the point that Leon did not seem like Leon anymore. Leon wasn’t the stranger she thought he was in the beginning. She was the stranger meeting Leon again and not the other way around.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out, eyes spaced out as she continued listening to his heartbeat like her life depended on it, breaths finally getting lighter and slowed down.

“For what?”

“For being a terrible person these past few weeks– the past month,” Elijah sighed, closing her eyes as she tried to maintain the calm breaths when she found a lump in her throat when she tried to explain. “This is hard for you rin. I was just really heartbroken that my life was being meddled with nanaman—but it’s not a good reason for being an asshole—for not coming home for dinners, for leaving you before you’re up—”

“It’s okay, Eli,” Leon mumbles before kissing the top of her head. “I understand.”

“Kahit na.”

“I’m forgiving you,” he replied. “I was an asshole rin for leaving you before and making you think na I’m always going to do that. Quits na tayo. Kailangan mo nang patawarin rin ang sarili mo.”

Elijah looks up at him. Leon's heart quickens its pace, Elijah can hear it but it doesn’t make her heart thump like it did a few minutes ago. Leon stares at the soft features of her face, especially her glossed over eyes, as she looks up at him fondly.

“Iiyak ka nanaman,” he chuckled, pressing a firm kiss on her forehead. “Iyakin.”

“Ikaw rin naman,” Elijah playfully hits his chest to retaliate even though it was true. She was a crybaby. They used to joke when they were kids that Elijah’s first response to everything is to get overwhelmed and cry. But her emotionality ultimately made her the great artist that she is right now. Sheer talent and the ability to project emotion to art, apparently was a favorable trait to have, she learned from the past art conventions that she has joined. “Umiiyak ka na rin e!”

“Napuwing ako,” he joked, reaching up to wipe the forming tears on the corner of her eye. “Puwing lang ‘yon. Tunay ‘yung iyo oh.”

“Tama ka na,” she laughed, finally finding her arms wrapping around Leon, returning his embrace that has loosened now into a hug instead of a squeeze for deep pressure. “Either way, I just wanted to say na I missed getting to talk to you like this. I’m sorry I changed a lot.”

“You grew, Ruby,” Leon replied to her. “Maybe hindi patangkad, but you grew. Maybe not in the same direction as I did, as everyone else did. But you grew. At your own pace. In the way that you wanted to. ‘Yun ang mahalaga. And dapat cinecelebrate ang mga ganoong bagay, hindi inihihingi ng patawad.”

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