#dad asked me if i want to come by for thanksgiving last week and tbh i actually just forgot to respond to the text

[clowndensation]

holidays are not good because your parents remember you exist during them.

[that-struggling-writer-lh]

Look How Pretty You Are.

No outbreak! No use of y/n!

WARNINGS: DBF! 18+ Minors DNI. This is smut! BIG age gap. (Reader is 22, Joel in his 40s) Unprotected p in v (don't be dumb). Praise, quite a quicky. Would love to write a part 2 to this, tbh.

WORD COUNT: 5.2k

Coming home from college in the summer meant two things. I was left to my own devices Monday through Friday, and weekends were crazy. Loud, party filled affairs my parents put on with the entire neighborhood being welcome. This summer was different, though.

Freshly graduated means that this summer was my last one before becoming a “real adult” as my parents put it, even if with the fancy business degree I’d likely just end up in the office dad’s contracting business. A silent, small building that was really just a way for calls to be directed to him from the desk, filtering the bullshit and getting to the point. The click clack of fingers on the keyboard as I did payroll, budgeting, projections, ad flyers. The works. Most of the work was boring, lonely. Silent. 

“Hey, can you run to the store for some beer? Mixers? Snacks?” Dad’s tall figure peeked into the office, clothes covered in sawdust, face covered in sweat. “Friday night and all now that you’re old enough to make those kinds of runs. It’s quiet today. Let yourself off early.” 

I mulled it over momentarily, not really wanting to go shopping for my parents’ party. But knowing it might get me into the party this year, when all previous I’d been asked to stay inside, book in hand, or movie playing loudly to try to drown out the noise of splashing in the pool, hollering and dancing to upbeat music on the porch, “Sure, I can do that. If I can actually attend this year.” 

My father ran a hand through his thinning hair, “Alright, sure.” he shook his head in a “no” motion, but the verbal okay was all I needed.

A smile tugging my lips, “Give me your card?” I motioned for the wallet tucked into his opposite hand, grabbing my car keys and nodding.

“I’ll also keep you on the clock until five if you do a favor for-”

“What? What favor?” slight annoyance tugging at my stomach, but knowing that extra money coupled with the prospect of a night drinking with the neighborhood was too good to pass up.

“Joel sent his grocery list. With Sarah away now, he’s having a hard time remembering these things. He asked if maybe you’d be willing to lend him a hand there, and I said sure.”

“As long as he fixes that shelf in my closet like he promised five years ago.” I tore the slip of coffee stained notebook paper from my father’s hand and eyed it carefully after remembering the shelf that had broken above my head in my bedroom closet while moving out for my first year of college. Dad promised it would be fixed before I was home for Thanksgiving and Christmas, five years later it was still impossible to put any items above my head to sit on the wood.

“Consider it done, I’ll have Joel get on it next week.”

Steak, chicken, snack food, rice, potatoes. “Can I add things? Is this really all he eats?” I raised a quizzical eyebrow, “how is he still alive?”

My father laughed softly, “Sarah used to do all that, just take his card and grab what you think he’ll like, I guess.” 

Joel. The much older, very handsome man who had been the object of my desire since I was old enough to understand the term dilf, Joel. Always present, always prepared, my father’s best friend since High School. So extremely off-limits, even now that you’re an adult. It would only bring trouble.

My father handed the two credit cards to me. I guess today’s task was to be a personal shopper.

Joel, who I’ve had a key to his house since I was hardly ten years old, Sarah and I frequently needed it after school to group together to finish homework, raid the cabinets, and make messes through the home until her father would come back and scold us for being teenagers. 

Joel, who was my first fantasy. Authoritative, but kind. Hard, but soft. Ruthless, but understanding of my and his daughter’s antics up until his tear streaked face sent both of us away to the same college, except I returned home and she found a job in the city.

Joel, even thinking of him at the red light while waiting to turn into the grocery store had me clenching my thighs together in my sundress, need filling me even when knowing I’d never get to taste.

The list focus. I got all of his essentials and then some, wanting him to be satiated for longer than the weekend, giving him options for the start of the week before he’d inevitably go back to fast-food runs between job sites.

After Joel’s list was taken care of, I shopped for the party, dividing the orders up before checking out and returning to town, stopping first at Joel’s house since his order had more need to go to the fridge than the alcohol and snacks my father had asked for.

Halfway through putting his order away and tidying a few other areas to be helpful, the front door opened, the sound of boots kicking off, Joel’s muttered voice so quiet I couldn’t hear it. I suppose he was used to talking to himself now, though.

“I thought I saw your car here.” his friendly tone rang from the kitchen entrance.

“Yeah, Dad gave me your list. So I figured I’d get it all set for you. I didn’t know when you’d be finished over at that apartment complex, so I- well. You know.”

“You tidied up?” he asked, looking at the organized dining table, and the lack of dishes in the sink.

“There were only a few things, I thought-”

“Thank you. I’ve been a mess with my little girl gone.” he smiled.

“She misses you. We called each other last week. Talked about the hell we raised here, how we were sure you hated us.” I laughed softly, closing the fridge and putting a box in the familiar cabinets, knowing this house as well as I knew my own.

“Nah, I could never hate you girls. Kids being kids, is all. I was young once, too.” he had a soft look of remembrance, looking at me like he was a million years away, “But you’re all grown up now. Well adjusted, smart, beautiful girl.” he sighed, rinsing out his coffee thermos in the sink quickly.

I had never heard him call me beautiful before, and my heart lurched at the compliment. Though, I’m sure he meant it in a far different way than I’d construed. Like a second daughter, like a neighbor across the street. Like someone he helped raise. Not like beautiful beautiful, “Thank you, Mr. Miller.” I smiled softly at his sentiment, anyway. Wiping down the counters when I’d finished, “I took the liberty of getting you some extras. Steak and potato diet only gets you so far.”

“Oh, thank you.” he sounded genuinely grateful, “I never know what to do, or what to eat, really. Sarah usually would-”

“I know, she’s a great cook.” I giggled, showing him the receipt that I’d crumpled in the pocket of my cardigan, placing it in his hand, “Here’s the damage.”

He looked everything over carefully, “That’s fine.” he nodded, “Thank you. But, don’t call me Mr. Miller. That’s weird.” he smirked, “Just Joel. Same as always for the last 22 years.”

“Sorry.” I laughed shyly.

“I’m gonna hit the shower before heading to your folks’ place.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later, Joel.” I smiled softly and he rested his hand on my lower back as he brushed by me to create space between himself, me, and the kitchen island. Such a simple gesture, but the placement was new. Usually he’d touch my shoulder or ask me to step aside for him.

I tidied the magazines and newspapers littering the coffee table, dusting the surface with a cloth before I left, I debated on vacuuming but left the rest as is, I’m not his housekeeper. I’m not replacing Sarah. He’s grown, he can take care of it, surely. Before I had time to slip back into my flats, the water was already off and the bathroom door was opening. I turned away as I folded the throw blankets and Joel’s surprise at seeing me still in his house was obviously justified, “Dammit, you scared me!” he clutched his abdomen and sighed in relief, “What are you still doing here?” not angry, quizzical.

“I noticed some magazines all out of place, so I thought I’d do that. But then I saw dust, and then the blankets- sorry, Joel. I didn’t think you’d be so fast.” I let out a breathy laugh and turned to face him for just a moment before covering my eyes up again. He was only wearing a towel, water droplets decorating his toned frame, dripping from his soft, curly hair that’s been made slightly gray over the years.

He sighed, not in frustration. Just a sigh, “You don’t need to take care of me like this. I’m fine, Sweetheart. Really.”

“I know. I just. This house is so special to me. I practically grew up here.” I looked to the location of the coffee table and could practically see Sarah and I grunting to move it aside and lay a million blankets and pillows out on the floor for our sleepovers. Popcorn kernels and candy all over the floor, empty box of pizza that Joel would have helped us scarf down before disappearing into the backyard or the master bedroom to leave us alone for the remainder of the evening. He never lingered too long, never tried to be the cool dad. Knew when it was time to leave his daughter and her friends alone.

His tone was even softer now, “It is a pretty special place, huh? Your Daddy helped me build it from the ground up. Pouring that concrete, framing up the walls. Drywall, mudding, installing. This house was the best job I’ve ever done for my family. Promised so much.” I knew he was reminiscing about his wife who had passed away more than a decade ago. The way he looked so far away even though he was right there. 

I dared to continue to keep my eyes on him despite his attire, “I miss her, too.” I said suddenly, his eyes flitted to mine and he smiled weakly.

“Why don’t you head on home, Dollface? I saw all the bags you still have to unpack over there in your car.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, adjusting his towel to ensure it was secure enough.

My mouth ran dry at the sight of him, I felt so guilty for it after such a tender moment, “Sure. Enjoy your groceries, Joel.” I smirked and slipped into my shoes, letting myself out and backing from his driveway into mine. Perks of being across the street.

My parents had yet to return, so I quickly unloaded and prepped the snacks into serving trays and bowls, put the booze on ice in coolers and began dragging everything to the backyard, filling the picnic table by the pool with things to eat, cooler resting on the ground beside everything else.

I made myself busy getting ready, slipping from my work clothes to a black bikini covered by shorts and a plain off-shoulder long sleeve shirt. The sun would set soon, dropping the scorching temperature. I added a soft lipstick and touched up my makeup, keeping my hair down. By the time I finished I could hear the familiar bustle of my folks in the kitchen, prepping for the grill and salads. 

I offered a hand in the kitchen, as typical and my mother handed me a large knife, “Quarter the cucumber and dice some tomato for the salad, please.” she instructed as my father poured seasonings into a dish of various cuts of chicken.

I set to work, “I dropped that stuff off for Joel, Dad.” I started, and he hummed in response as a thank you.

“Thanks, baby.” he said as he massaged the seasonings into the meat, “He just needs a little hand for now is all, I’m sure in a few weeks when the busy season is over he’ll be right. Maybe it can be a regular thing, if you wouldn’t mind.”

“No, I don’t mind. I miss being there all the time, anyway. Such sweet memories from growing up in that house.” I mused, the rhythmic chopping on the cutting board in front of me keeping me at a steady pace.

“How is Sarah, anyway? Talk to her lately?”

“Fine, she likes her new job, dating around a little. Nothing major aside from roommate drama. She doesn’t like apartment life.”

“Not like being roommates in the dorms with you, huh?”

I scoffed softly, “Evidently not.”

The small talk continued until we opened the front door for our neighbors and Joel was first over, as typical. He and my father sat poolside in lounge chairs, beer in hand laughing and talking like usual until others joined them.

I found myself watching him from the window above the sink as I scrubbed at the dishes left behind, watching his dimpled cheek when he smiled, the curve of his mouth around the glass bottle, how he would scratch at the stubble on his cheeks when thinking. I could see their bottles were nearly empty, so I finished scrubbing a pan and headed to the yard, opening a cooler and grabbing three bottles, two for the men, one for me. I cracked mine first and took a swig, then cracked the other two and brought them over, “Noticed you guys were looking a little low.” I eyed Joel instead of my father.

“Why, thank you, Dollface.” Joel smirked and held the drink up in a cheers motion, “What a sweet girl you have, Jimmy. Always looking out for the guests.”

“She learned hosting from her Mama, Joel. Certainly not me.” my dad quipped, nodding a thanks to me as I handed them each a bottle.

I felt a blush creep up with how Joel was examining me, and I wondered if that was the same way I was watching him earlier. He took the bottle from my hand and pushed further, “While you’re being so gracious, can you get me a little snack while we wait for the others to get here? Feelin’ a little peckish.”

I smirked and faked an annoyed eye roll, “Yes, sir. Welcome to my restaurant. What would you like?” 

Joel laughed at that, “Surprise me.”

I made my way to the snack table and loaded a small plate with cheese, crackers, meats, and cold veggies, bringing it back to the familiar man, “Careful, there’s poison somewhere in there.” I joked and his smile broadened.

“Thank you, Sweetheart.”

“You’re welcome, Old Man.” I quipped back before returning inside to clean up the rest of the mess and my father laughed.

Before it was fully dark outside our backyard was full of people. I made light of the event, socializing, recapping the last four years of my time away with neighbors. I kept nursing drink after drink to help my nerves keep calm, my social meter tapped out by around ten p.m with hours left to go.

I stepped inside and retreated to the bathroom to get just a single moment where I didn’t have to talk to anybody, the harsh lighting burning my blurred eyes after spending hours in the soft lighting of the backyard.

I splashed a little water on my face and when I opened the door I gasped to see Joel standing there, “Oh, sorry, Sweetheart.” his eyes burned the same color as mine, lids heavy with drink.

“It’s fine, Joel.” I nearly pushed by him but his smirk stopped me.

“I’m not Old Man anymore?” he towered over me, and this close I had to look up to meet his eyes.

“Oh, you’re still old.” I giggled, the quiet of the house was a complete contrast to the music coming from outside. The rest of the party dancing, socializing, drinking.

He hummed in response and set his hand on my waist, looking into the bathroom, “You done in here or can I take a piss, Gorgeous?”

I flushed instantly, “Sorry, sir.” and stepped aside.

His eyebrows raised softly “So tense with me. Almost like-”

“Almost like what?” my heart began drumming inside of my chest.

“Nah, nothing.” 

I pushed by him and let him in, closing the door behind me with a “You need to fix my closet next week, Joel.” 

“Anything for you, Babygirl.” he called from behind the closed door and I felt myself melting inside.

“Promise?” I giggled, pushing the boundary thanks to the mixed drinks in my blood.

Silence for a few moments, running water, and then the opening of the door, something had changed in his eyes in the few moments from behind the barricade of the door. “Of course, Sweetheart. Anything.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat and felt my eyes close softly unconsciously. I snapped them back open, feigning off embarrassment. 

“You’ve been acting strange since you moved back home. Everything okay?” he sounded concerned.

“Fine. It’s-” I almost admitted it was him. I shut my mouth before I could say anything sober me would regret.

His full lips tipped up into a half-smirk, “It’s. It’s. It’s-” a pause, he wanted me to continue, “Spit it out, Doll. What’s bothering my girl?” his tone was the same as it always was when I was needing advice growing up, but his eyes were darkened.

“You.” I whispered so quietly I wasn’t even sure I said it or if I just thought it.

“Me?” he said after a long pause, furrowing his brows.

“It’s- Nevermind. So stupid of me.” I turned on my heel and started away from him, but he grabbed my wrist carefully to stop me.

“You’re not stupid.” his eyes held promise. Safety.

“If I say what’s on my mind you’ll change your mind, Mr. Miller.” I felt smaller than a mouse at that moment. The liquid courage pushed me on as he continued to press.

“I promise. Nothing you say could ever change my mind.” 

“I’ve been acting weird because of you.” his hand was still gripping my wrist and his hand tightened for a fraction of a second, my skin burned deliciously at his touch.

“Have I done something wrong?” he asked cautiously.

“The opposite.” my voice was still a whisper, and his was dropping now, too. Reading that this was a conversation better kept private.

He hummed again, “Do you-”

“Since I was a teenager I’ve had a crush on you. The older I get the more I can read you. The older I get the more I-... The more I cannot think about anything else but how it would feel to-” I stopped. Stupid. “Stupid.”

“No.” he shook his head, “I’ve been watching you the last few months.” he admitted, “You’re not a little girl anymore. Far from it. A gorgeous woman. You’re not stupid for thinking, but it could cause issues.” his eyes held concern.

“With Sarah.”

“And your old man.” he finished my thought.

“You-you feel it, too?”

He nodded once, a silent reply.

I stared at his lips suddenly. Then his eyes. Feeling my reserve crumbling around me, hoping his was, too. I turned my figure more toward him and he pressed his spare hand, still damp from washing into the small of my back, still gripping my wrist with his free hand. “Are you going to kiss me, Joel?” the silent, darkened hall and our hushed voices would raise alarm for anyone within earshot. Thank God we were the only ones in the house.

He didn’t answer with words, but let my wrist go and cupped my jaw in his hand, pressing me against his toned body, hands all rough from his job. Hesitantly, slowly he was leaning down to my level before his breath hit my lips and he stopped. Knitting his brows together, biting down on his bottom lip. He was fighting a war in himself, one that he was going to lose. “Please, if you’re going to kiss me… Please. I’m begging.” I shot my eyes back to his as my whimpered plea ran out of my mouth like a track star and he was pressing his lips against mine in no time at all.

Soft, tangy with beer. Electric. Everything I had ever dreamed of. I gasped as my senses were overloaded with him, and he wrapped his arm around me tighter, his grip on my jaw was iron. I placed my hands on his chest and he mistook it for pushing him away, “God, I-I’m so sorry-” he started, but kept his hands in their places.

“No. I’ve waited ten years for this moment.” I admitted, looking up at him through my lashes, “please don’t be sorry.”

He reconnected his lips to mine, taking advantage of the still quiet house before pulling me into the bathroom and slamming the door shut behind him.

I leaned my back against the counter and wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders, he was feverish. The way he clung to my hips in desperation, licking into my mouth at the added privacy of the bathroom. I allowed him access, moaning softly against his tongue, curling my fingers around the hair at the nape of his neck. He tasted like heaven. He pulled away again, and his eyes were almost deranged looking with a mix of emotions, “Fuck, we could get in trouble.” he whispered.

I felt wetness pooling into the bottoms of my bikini at the sight of him panting, flustered, red. The prospect of getting caught wasn’t going to deter me, though. Not right now, at least, I dropped to my knees in front of him and quickly undid his belt, “What are you doing, baby?” he cooed, running a hand through my hair.

“I’ll be fast.” I promised, looking up at him with doe eyes. I’d never seen him from this angle before, I figured if we were already in trouble I may as well make my fantasy come true.

He didn’t object, but nodded and let a shaky breath escape his parted lips as I made quick work of his button and fly, he shimmied his jeans off of his hips and let the dense fabric fall to his ankles, I gawked at his bulge for just a moment, gasping at the size and girth presented to me at eye level. I trailed kisses up his thighs, over the fabric of his briefs and along the bony ridges of his hips, “Please, Sweetheart. Hurry before we get in trouble.”

I pulled his hardened member from the top of his briefs and quickly sunk my mouth down around him, no teasing. No taking time. I took him as far as I could before the threat of gagging sprung on me, wetting him with my tongue.

“Nngh-Fuck. You’re not so innocent as you look, huh?” he grunted softly, his voice strained, bracing himself on the ledge of the counter behind me with his hands.

I hummed around him and he bucked his hips further down my throat, saliva dripping down my chin from the sudden movement. He pulled me off of his length by my hair and cupped my face in his hands, my mouth chased his throbbing cock as he removed me, “Joel, I just want to make you feel good.”

He nodded in response, closing his eyes to try to gain composure, “You are.” he whispered, pulling me up to stand by my hands, working at the button on my shorts, yanking them down and turning me around so I was facing the vanity mirror, hands roaming around underneath my sweatshirt, grasping my breasts while I stared at the two of us in the mirror. 

“Fuck…” I whispered, looking at our crazy expressions. Lust-filled eyes, swollen lips, red cheeks.

“You’re beautiful.” he whispered, dipping his hand into my bikini bottoms, feeling my wetness while watching us in the mirror, keeping, “So wet for me.” he whispered against my neck, kissing softly.

I whimpered at the contact he made with my clit suddenly, and rolled my hips against his hand for relief, he pulled his finger away and licked my slick away, he groaned softly, “You taste like Heaven.” he bit my shoulder playfully and whispered against my skin, “You want me to fuck you? Right here, while the entire block is just outside?” 

My legs trembled at the image that flashed in my mind, and I nodded quickly.

“Use your words, Sweetheart. I need to hear you.” his hands traveled the curve of my thighs and ass, squeezing the plush flesh.

“Yes, Joel. I want you to fuck me while everybody is just outside. While it’s so easy for us to get caught, I want you to fuck me so good I can’t even remember my own name after.”

“Good girl.” he untied the rest of my bathing suit and let it drop, fully exposing my lower-half to him. Both of us were only wearing our shirts now, he trailed his fingers delicately over my skin and kept his voice low. “You have to be silent, baby. Silent.” his eyes showed concern, “Be a good girl for me and nod that you understand. Show me how silent you can be.”

I nodded once in confirmation, clenching around nothing aside from the prospect of being filled up by Joel Miller.

He kept his eyes on my face from the mirror as he pumped his hand up and down his cock a few times, readying himself for me, running the tip along my slick and pushing the tip in. “You’re so goddamn tight,” he cooed and my eyes rolled back at trying to suppress a noise that threatened to erupt from the depths of my soul at him splitting me open for him, slowly easing in centimeter by centimeter. Too tight for him not to savor the feeling of me throbbing around him.

“Joel.” I whispered, hardly audible.

“Silent.” he warned, a crazed look in his eye as he stilled his movements.

I nodded, and he wasted no more time stretching me slowly along his cock, he pushed in hard and fast the rest of the way. Watching me fall apart and lean against the counter for support.

I opened my mouth and forced myself to make no sound, grinding my hips back against his as he panted softly, stilling when he filled me to the hilt, “So good, baby. Such a good girl.” he gripped my hips hard and picked up a slow rhythm, filling me and then retreating fully. Teasing that delicate spot so deep inside my own fingers can never reach.

I whimpered softly, hardly a sound at all and he snapped his hips against my ass, “So pretty like this. Staring at yourself getting fucked by your father’s best friend. So obedient and quiet for me.” he watched us in the mirror, my face red from suppressing myself. Knuckles white against the edge of the counter.

His hand snaked around my hip to my stomach, trailing down until he found my clit, rubbing deliciously slow circles around the sensitive bud.

I couldn’t help it, the feeling of being full to the brim and the added pleasure from the sensitive spot forced me to release a moan of pure bliss, “That’s so good.” I let out, and he clamped his other hand over my mouth, shaking his head quickly and pulling out of me.

“On the floor, lay down.” he pointed to the floor and I laid on my back, he fit himself between my knees and covered my mouth again, using his other arm to support his weight above me. “Silent. This is your last warning.”

I nodded, eyes wide, boring into his serious, caramel colored irises.

He snapped his hips to mine, this new angle filling me even better, and his pace was fast, desperate, hard. He never took his hand off of my mouth the entire time he whispered praises against my neck while he bit, kissed and licked my tingling skin.

I stayed silent for him, taking in his hushed praises through heavy lids and flushed skin, My breathing hitched as I felt the waves of my orgasm begin to ripple through me.

“Cum for me, Sweetheart. I want to feel how good my cock is to you.” he pressed his hand down more firmly, a reminder of my task. Silence.

My eyes rolled back sharply as I arched into him, clenching desperately as his cock, breathing labored as my nails clutched into his hips, leaving small crescent shaped marks in his skin.

“Good girl. Good girl. Look how pretty you are when you fall apart for me.” he bit his lip as he continued his pace, riding out my high while chasing his own, and I held my breath against his hand.

It wasn’t long after mine that he began to crumble, his pace faltering, his breaths ragged as he ground his hips against mine slower and slower. Softer and softer. He pulled himself out of my throbbing pussy and let his warmth burst out over my thigh.

Finally removing his hand from my mouth I clutched the fabric of his shirt desperately, pressing his lips to mine. He grunted against my lips; a satisfied, unconscious noise. When he pulled away and pressed his forehead against mine, I could only imagine the expression I was making for him. Fucked out, touched out, desperate to take him again. Properly, not on the bathroom floor while a party raged on around us outside.

As if having the same thought, he cleaned me up with a washcloth from the linen closet and slipped into his jeans, buckling the belt. “Go to your room and wait a few minutes. Don’t wanna look suspicious.” he shrugged.

“Right.” I nodded, scrambling for my shorts and grabbing the bikini bottoms from the floor, only bothering to put the shorts on before pushing the door open and hurrying to the stairwell.

“Wait.” Joel’s voice was a harsh whisper, and I turned to face him, “Let’s do this properly next time.” He suggested, “Not in a bathroom.”

I nodded once before running up the steps, feeling empty now that he wasn’t buried inside of me but knew time was of the essence right now. I figured I’d make up some excuse about being clumsy and spilling a drink or food on my outfit and that’s what took me so long inside, fabricating a lie I’d hold onto forever if I had to. Ensuring that nobody would ever find out about the questionable dynamic of Joel and my now extremely complicated relationship. 

When I returned outside around ten minutes later, I was thankful nobody batted an eye. Nobody missed me, and Joel was making himself busy at the snack table, popping a pretzel in his mouth and chewing with a knowing, cocky smile on his face.

“There’s my girl.” my dad’s voice cut through the yard and I snapped my attention to him before I could fall apart looking into the eyes of his best friend.

[atlafan]

Hi lovie hope all is well. Hope your week is going good!! How’s school? How’s life? Love you lots!! Okay time for bookclub!! I love their little routine they have!! Sleepovers, library, dinner! That is lowkey wax! Andy not being subtle about thanksgiving!! I love this kid!! Awww hes coming over for thanksgiving!! Andy being so comfortable and really liking y/n is melting my heart!! Why am I getting soft for a space in the bathroom or a drawer? “Pieces of him around” goddamn the tears!! Part 2!

Part 2 “now turn over so I can have that booty” Why is he so weird and why do I love him sooo!?! Sleepovers on school nights *gasp* scandal!!! Y/n wanting to help with Andy, my heart!!! “Feel like a horny teenager with you sometimes” 👀👀 holy shit... fuck me.. why do I want this?! Am I horny on main already?!? Is this a new record? We’ve known dad Harry for a long time and he still does things to me!! I don’t know why?! I don’t understand!! I want to bond by looking at planks of wood! Part 3!!

Part 3 first off Harry is doing great with y/n’s parents! Second tbh when Harry swears irl it turns me on (lol we are already horny on main) it does something! 👀 oh my gosh one of my podcasts I listen/watch was JUST talking about doing your business in your so’s place! “He’s dreamy” you are correct!! “I’d let him leave marks on me too” you are also correct!! “Keep your shrimp dick to yourself” YES y/n YES! “The only tight, little hole I wanna fuck is yours” WTF!! The wax is BOILING! Part 4

Part 4 I’m still screaming to that last sentence in part 3!! My mouth is dry my eyes are wide my pussy is wet my heart is racing! My god hotel sex hits different!! The “I like you a lot” during sex!! 🥺 Andy is definitely the head of the house!! If Harry ever uses 😈 in a tweet, or in an insta caption or story, will fucking die and slap him through the phone! I love Andy always asking to invite y/n or trying to give ideas to his dad for them to hang out! I’m soft for a lock screen!! Part 5

Part 6 I want a man to “watch me leave and sighs dreamily” please god it’s not much!! When you said minor character death I was just thinking when Harry talked about paiges grandparents passing! Not her father?!? OMG!!! I’m shocked and want to cry!! Shit that hit hard... But wow this part was such a good character development part and relationship growth! You love to see it!

Not sure if you skipped over part 5 or not lmao, but...I’ll be honest...every night when I go to bed with my bf...I say turn over so I can have the booty hahaha so I don’t think it’s that weird for him to say, right? maybe it’s just a big spoon thing

[purplesurveys]

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-What was the last song that you sang out loud? I played a Destiny’s Child playlist when we were out for a bit earlier so I was most likely rapping along to Bug A Boo before we got home. -If someone has bad breath, do you tell him or her? I don’t think I can. I’d rather just not have my face directly on them when talking. -With which friend are you most likely to share a secret? Angela. She knows e v e r y t h i n g. -Do you have an item that comforts you when you are sad/scared? My...phone? Haha. If I get anxious I need to watch videos to distract me. My phone has YouTube. Also bracelets that Gabie has given me over the years. -When are you likely to hide your emotions? When I’m with people that don’t really know about my anxiety. People I’m not close to, in general.

-Which is scarier: Dying of thirst or of starvation? I think both are equally terrifying??? Both put the body in immense pain and it goes through a slow, agonizing shutdown and I don’t even want to think about experiencing other lol. -Who was the last person to take your breath away? MY GIRLFRIEND -When you turn on the TV, what channel do you flip to? Probably a movie channel but I legit have not watched television in yearssss. I watch everything on Netflix now. -Have you ever tried to help someone quit smoking? No. -What was the last comment someone made on your music taste? I don’t have much of a music taste so it’s not really something people tend to make comments on. -Where do you go/what do you do when you need to calm down? My room. Or to my best friends. -What was the last mess you cleaned up? I had a stack of readings and stationery scattered all over the dining table last night when I was studying, so I cleaned everything up before going to bed. -Have you ever had to talk anyone out of suicide? Yes I had to talk to Toby because he made a series of disturbing tweets a couple of weeks ago. We aren’t close per se, but he’s an orgmate and therefore a friend, so I messaged him immediately. I’m happy it worked, cos he showed up to school the next day and gave me a bear hug. -When you think of tomorrow, what feelings come to mind? Work. -Who, in your opinion, has an amazing voice? Hannah sings a lot, and I really like it when she does because she sounds great. -Would you ever camp out on a beach, under the stars? Of course.

-What is the last thing you complained about? I need a printer to print out my readings (I absolutely cannot study from an e-book) but ours has been broken for years and there’s no Internet/printing shop nearby. UGH I’m serious about complaining over not being able to study haha.   -What was the last curse-word you said? Fuck. -When you fake sick to get out of school, what do you say or do to convince your parents that you are sick? I would never fake sick to my Asian mom.  -How did you recover from your last bout of tears? I slept. As is always the most effective way to stop crying. -Do you still talk to your very first best friend? Yes. I talked to her last night. -When was the last time something went terribly wrong? Well a couple of weeks ago Gab and I had a huge, really serious fight that had just been unfixable–it was the kind of fight that you just had to wait. And the wait was torture. I was really scared then and I stayed in bed for what was probably 48 hours and ate like two times in that period. -How do you console someone when he or she is upset? I stay with them and listen to them if they have to let things out. -Have you ever seen either one of your parents cry? Just my mom. I don’t know what I’d do if I saw my dad cry. -Choose one: Trip to outerspace, or trip underneath the oceans? OUTER SPACE. I’d do anything to have a glimpse into my astronaut dream. -How often do you feel overwhelmed? 7 days a week. -How do you deal with everyday life? Get by. Aren’t we all forced to? -Do you have any secret obsessions or guilty pleasures? I don’t think so. I’m never guilty of whatever it is I’m obsessing at the moment haha. I am into serial killers, like reading and watching docus about them; and obviously I never announce it the world unless it comes up in conversation. -Aside from on this survey, what was the last thing you wrote about? I was writing down notes on my readings from my Southeast Asian history class. -Who in your family do you act like the most? I’m a mix of my mom and dad. I seriously can’t tell you who I act more like. There are certain phrases my mom says that I say, and certain intonations and mannerisms I got from my dad.  -What is the most romantically sweet thing someone has done for you? I’m into intimate, more between-the-two-of-you kind of stuff, so I always appreciate it when Gab volunteers to drive my car if I ever drink a little bit too much for the night. She helps me get to bed and gets me some clothes to wear too, which is always sweet.

-When you go out to the mall, do people stare? Not me, but my girlfriend and I obviously will get stares from time to time for holding hands. -Have you ever been confronted by a mall cop for your behavior? No. -What just tears at your heartstrings? Videos of dogs reuniting with their owners, abused dogs getting saved and all groomed up, or dogs getting adopted. -Is there a show you swear that you will never watch? GAME OF THRONES -What was the last topic that you ranted about? The lack of a printer that I delved on several survey questions ago. -Is there someone that makes you feel like you're walking on eggshells? Jane lol. She’s the president of our org and will easily get pissed the fuck off sometimes, and it never does my anxiety any good. -Were you ever afraid of one of your past teachers? Yes. We had this monster of a PE teacher in 2nd grade who would literally kick down doors if she gets angry and would yell at 8 year olds. How she ever got employed in the first place still baffles me. -Have you ever been in a physical fight on school grounds? That’s a huuuuuge no-no in our school, so no. Plus I came from an all-girls’ Catholic school; it just wasn’t in anyone’s nature to pick a fight. -Have you written anything in a bathroom stall? What, if anything? No, I feel so iffy about vandalizing in public. -Is your school like the drama capital of the country? HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You can say that, damn. -A homeless man asks you for 50 cents; how do you respond? I give them a little more and a snack if I had any. -When was the last time you visited a thrift store? I don’t remember. I don’t think I have? -Was there ever a time when you wished you'd never been born? Always. I didn’t even choose to be born lol. -Can you handle constructive criticism? Uhhhhhh only if it’s from someone I truly respect. Otherwise I can honestly be a big baby about criticism. -Who is the most sensitive person that you know? ME. Also one of my friends, Mils. -Have you ever had a tooth (or teeth) pulled? Nope. -You can have one famous person's wardrobe; who do you choose, and why? Kate’s!!! She dresses so well and looks pretty in all of her outfits. -When was the last time you wrote someone a note? I think December? Aya was down in the dumps pretty bad so I dropped her a short message on Facebook to let her know that I’m always around for her. -Do you tell your parents before you go somewhere, or just leave? I ask permission. Duh. I’m Asian.  -What was the last thing you tried to get out of doing? Agatha’s birthday party. She’s a good friend, but I���m not friends with any of her friends and I just can’t relate with the college block we both belong to. I scheduled a date with Gabie’s dad on the same night because I didn’t want to go to the party. -On average, how many surveys do you fill out in one day? If I had a lot of time, I could fill out three. Nowadays it’s like once a day/a couple of times a week. -How many hours a day do you spend on Bzoink? I don’t stay on Bzoink; I just go on there to look for surveys. -Which season do you dread the most? I hate Philippine summers. -Do you ever brag about your achievements? Oh god never. I hate putting any attention on me. -If someone makes fun of you, are you able to laugh it off? Tbh no, I’m pretty sensitive and serious in that aspect. I mean I’d smile to be polite but will most likely be whispering something evil about them in my head hahahaha. -When was the last time that you watched the sun come up? Three years ago, in Sagada. -What did you do last Halloween? I think I went out with Gab that day, but it wasn’t to celebrate Halloween. -Last Thanksgiving? -Last Christmas - if you celebrate? I like how Christmas has the *if you celebrate* disclaimer but the North American-centric Thanksgiving doesn’t. Anyway, we had several family dinners and we ate and drank and caught up with one another. -How did you celebrate the arrival of the new year? Also saw some relatives and ate and drank and bonded with my cousins. -Is there a foreign culture you'd like to learn more about? I’d like to know more about all of them if I had the time and the chance. -Have you ever (purposely or accidentally) played with someone's heart? I possibly might’ve with Mike but I don’t want to be an ass and assume. -Has anyone ever played with yours? Sure, you can say that. -Have you ever seen a famous painting and thought "I could have done that?” Not famous, but expensive ones. The ones that are paint splatters hah. -Fire drills: Did you ever wish they were real ... just once? LOL YES. I’m terrible for thinking that but yes. Mostly because everyone was such kids about it and never took the drills seriously. I secretly wanted a real one to happen just to see those people regret not being any more serious.

-What is the scariest thing about attending your school? Nothing’s scary about UP. If you’re scared to be in UP you can’t survive in it. -Are you a good judge of other people's intentions? Meh. I can tell sometimes. What was the last thing that you felt strongly about? I’m not so sure, it’s been a while. -Shopping: best with friends, parents, bf/gf, or alone? Girlfriend. -What is one insecurity you have about your body? Teeth. -What is one part of your body that you are proud of? My overall figure. -When was the last time someone told you to turn your music down? Ages ago. I’m getting old myself and don’t want my music too loud lmfao. -When you don't know how to spell a word, do you look it up? Yes, of course. -Are you one to spend a lot of time in the bathroom? Nope. I hate making people wait. -Have you seen the movie Super Size Me? No. -Do you still eat at McDonald's, regardless of that film? I’d probably continue eating at any fast food establishment even if I watch a billion documentaries exposing them, being completely honest. -Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a different race? Sometimes. -Do you ever consider the challenges other races go through? Of course. Except for one snowflake race out there, lol. -When was the last time you doubted your abilities? Now? -At your favorite restaurant, what do you order? I don’t pick favorite restaurants. -What was the last thing you wished for? A DAMN PRINTER. -How many times a day, on average, do you look at the time? Too many. I’m perpetually impatient.

[deeeelightfuldee]

How many cats and dogs have you had as pets in your lifetime? oooo boy. ok lets see. 5 dogs, 9 cats?

Can your mom and/or dad play any instruments, or how about anyone else in your family? My mom doesn’t play anything. My dad is a drummer

Have you ever colored in an adult coloring book as a stress reliever? Yes. I’ve done it this week alone, just to try and calm down a little.

Can you crack crab legs without a tool? i have no idea. I don’t eat crab or anything in the sea for that matter. 

How many light sources are in the room you’re in? ooo good question. umm, eight? lol

What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? uhhh cream cheese.

Who’s your favorite director? i really don’t know, i don’t follow who directs what.

Bats: cute or gross? i mean, I don’t really care.

What was the last really intense pain you felt? lung pain during this whole nonsense.

Would you rather vacation by a beach or a lake? either. 

How would you feel about traveling abroad alone? I would love to, but I don’t see it happening with the travel restrictions these days.

What is your father's middle name? He doesn’t have one. he’s got a family name and the men who have it do not have a middle name. Where did your last kiss take place? uhhh I believe on my driveway 

Which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? no clue, tbh. none that come to mind

Do you stick your tongue out often in pictures? I don’t think ive ever done that. 

Which one of your family members are you closest to? My mom. one of my brothers and my sister.

Would you rather have name brand shoes or name brand clothes? brand names just don’t matter to me, but if i was forced to choose i guess shoes?

Are you a good liar? no. not at all.

Are you proud of your parents? Im super proud of my mom.

Which is better: orange or grape soda? orange

Was the last thing you ate hot or cold? hot. so yummy.

Who was the last person in your house who isn’t family? uhhhhhhh, idk who was here when I wasn’t in town, but prior to that I would imagine em/nathan

What color was the last swimsuit you wore? green 

Can you remember the last song you listened to? something from the toy story soundtrack lol. I’m binge watching all four today... I am using Kile’s disney+ for as long as he has it. I don’t think he watches it ever, so I imagine it’ll cut off soon.

Have you ever been dumped really harshly? once. it was horrible. every other time I’ve done the break up.

Can you do a back flip, or anything else of that sort? heck’n no. unless im going into a pool maybe.

Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? yes

What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? he sexually assaulted me

Are you more of a phone or a computer person? my preference is laptop, 

Do you have a job, and if so, where do you work? not currently.

If not, do you want one? yeah i’d like to have income.

Do any medical afflictions run in your family? yes. a few.

What’s your favorite Mexican dish? pork tacos from mama marias omggggggggggggg.

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? yes. bulls games, bears games

Have you ever ordered a specially made cake from a cake shop? of course.

What months were you and your siblings born in? january, july, august, august

What did you have for dinner last night? nicks.

Do you do anything to groom your eyebrows? absolutely. to keep the shape n such.

Has your town ever flooded? uhhhhh to my knowledge once. it had rained SO heavily for like a week and the local ponds and lakes were over-flowing. a car literally floated down my road. it was so weird.

Have you ever played at the McDonald’s play place? when I was a kiddo yes. not often tho cus I didn’t like the smell, it was always sticky, and there were always bratty kids.

Have you ever taken a picture of snow? only every single day it snows

Do you cry easily? i notoriously do not cry in front of anyone. I am not a crier. when I lost Kile I cried for weeks.

Are you happy with where you live? I love it.

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race? No

Do you hate the last person you kissed? no, i’m not a hateful person

What genre is your favorite movie? drama, romance, kids lol

Who was the last person you were in a car with? Mom. she picked me up from the airport.

Do you like the picture on your license/I.D. card? yes. I always seem to get the nice workers and they help so much.

When was the last time somebody hit on you? yesterday. blegh. 

Was the last person you met a male or female? hmm. Iiiiiii wanna say male. 

What brand is your underwear? I think the pair im wearing is hanes.

What’s your favorite Thanksgiving food? usually green bean casserole.

Do you have a TV in your room? yup. watching TS1 right now.

Are any of your electronics charging right now? my phone. of course it was on 2 percent.

What was the last video game you played? acnh on the switch.

What’s the biggest promise someone’s ever made to you? Did they keep it? that they will be there for me forever and always take care of me. no. 

Google, Bing, or Yahoo? Google.

What was the last song you had on repeat? more by bobby darin

Who is your favorite person to watch on YouTube? froggy fresh

How many college degrees do you want? i have two. I’d like my masters and/or phd

Can you wink? yes but I dont think it looks good lol i have to get better

Do you own any jerseys? I did, I dont know if I have any still

Have you ever tried to snort Pixie Stix as a child, or even an adult? No. i wasn’t a dumb child and i certainly wouldnt do that as an adult

Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? not really no. 

Has there ever been a time in your life, you felt sexually undecided? no. 

Do you think tattoos and piercings are sexy on the opposite sex? im not into piercings on guys. tattoos are fine if they arent trashy

Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? all the time.

What color are the headphones you have at this moment in time? kind of a creamy taupe-y color

Ever choked severely on something during lunch at your school? no

Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? i probably consume more fruits? but i love both. 

What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? white

Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? no. sadly

What do you usually buy when you go to the dollar store? i cant even tell you the last time i went to a dollar store.

Ever peed in the pool? Be honest! I would have been murdered lol no i dont do that. it grosses me out.

When you’re older, what kind of house do you want to live in? something on a lot of land, big front porch.

Where do you want to get married? probably a courthouse. maybe outdoors?

Do you plan on having both your parents at your wedding? no. just mom.

What is your favorite childhood TV show? recess

Honestly, do you like school? no. i looooooooooooooooooooooooove it.

Last thing that made you cry? probably dejavu.

Honestly, are you keeping a big secret right now? sort of yes.

Last person you took a walk with? liza, em, dutch, della

Have you ever liked someone who didn’t like you back? i think currently to be honest. 

Who was the last person to actually pick you up in the air? lol either mario or an old friend david

Does any part of your body hurt? yeah. my muscles have been weakening sooooooo bad it is so painful. 

If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a regret what would you do? Million bucks. noooooooooooo question.

Can you keep a secret? Sure.

Your favorite romantic movie? sleepless in seattle probs.

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day? I loved it for the longest timeeeeeeee. i dont think ill love it as much this next year, but maybe by then ill have met someone new who knows.

Who was the last person you took a picture with? uuuuuhhh probably one of my nephews/niece

Do your jeans have rips, tears, and holes in them? Some do, some dont. 

Do you celebrate 420? Nope. verrrrrry much not my thing.

Have you ever kicked a vending machine? i think so lol

How do you eat Oreos? with milk. 

Do you wear your shoes in the house? sometimes. my preference is slippers. we usually wear something on our feet because gram needs to and so does mom.

Would you survive in prison? probably not, tbh. 

Ever been to Georgia? the state, yes. many times. the country? never.

Do you get your hair cut every month? gosh no. my dream is to get my hair done professionally again sometime, but its so daggum expensive.

Current relationship in detail. I am single. i will probably start casually dating soon. 

If you were kicked out of your house, who would you call/go to? i dont even know. I always imagined I’d go to kile. but who knows now.

List things you spend money on in an average week. i can go several weeks without spending.

Rate each of your sexual partners (if any) from 1-10. ooooooohhhhhh, id rather not.

Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship? i am convinced bill would not give a fig whether or not im in a relationship. mom, however, would probably be EEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXtra cautious now.

Think of the last person you had sex with. Do you think they’ve slept with anyone else since they last slept with you? oh im sure. 

Is there someone that you believe you will always be attached to? yes. even if we don’t talk anymore... theres just always a connection.

What board games are you good at? oooo, i’m very good at board games.

Is there a sport/hobby you keep thinking about taking up, but that you’ve never quite gotten around to starting? quilting. its expensive and im not wanting to get it all cvid-y

Do you think pranks like egging/toilet-papering someone's house are funny or immature? Immature.

Do you think “sleeve tattoos” are a good idea? there are people who can pull it off, but it is notttttttttt my style.

Is there anything in particular that your parents argue about? What? debt bill put my mom in. they don’t speak tho.

Do you ever actually read the “Terms and Services” when you sign up for websites and such? the first couple years. 

If you have a handheld games console (a DS or GameBoy, for example), how often do you use it? I don’t use the switch handheld, despite really wishing i could. the controllers are broken and beyond what I can afford. so I just use the tv dock.

Your phone is ringing. It’s the person you fell hardest for, what do you say? i’d pick it up 1000000000000000% , I just would be so curious what they would say.

If your best friend was kicked out, would your parents let him/her live with you? absolutely.

Are you afraid of falling in love? I am. I don’t ever again want to feel the way ive felt with my two heart breaks. 

Is there anybody you wish you could be with right now? yes, but the feeling is lessening. I responded to him for the first time in... idk how long. thinking he’d be eager to talk and be responsive. he wasn’t. it just pushes me further and further from feeling those feelings.

Have you ever kissed someone & wished you didn’t? no, i dont think so.

Did you get kissed last night? goodness no. 

Do you enjoy going through a carwash? I love it.

How did you get most of your scars? benny. by far.

Ever had to take an inkblot test? I have taken 2. One for a fellow student in a classroom who had to administer it for a project. another time in a psych class the prof asked me to for a demonstration

Have you ever been in trouble for something you honestly didn’t do? yep! the only time ive been grounded.

Have you ever seriously slapped someone in anger? no. I do not get physical in my anger. I withdraw. 

What/who woke you up this morning? Just me.

Who was the last person to be in your bedroom besides you? My mom. dropping off ice water and benny.

What’s one of your locked text messages? I don’t even know if this phone locks messages tbh. I used to do that all the time on my t9 phones.

Have you ever finished a game of Monopoly? I think maybe 1 time.

Is there anyone you know who’s in any way paralyzed? Yes.

The truth all comes out when someone is drunk, true? I wouldn’t say alllllllll, but i do think inhibitions are lowered so it makes it easier

When was the last time you felt disappointed in yourself? messaging kile and realizing he isn’t interested in responding. makes me feel so dumb.

How about feeling disappointed in someone else? something a family member did to me this past week.

For you, do you commonly feel more jealousy or envy? ummm. lately it’s been jealousy. i dont like people taking what was mine. but i’m learning if they had access to it, that likely means that it is best to let it go. so maybe im now leaning towards envy of like beautiful relationships.

Do you rely on the heads/tails flipping of a coin sometimes for decisions? uhhh, not unless its like in a joking, light-hearted manner.

Do you have any specific chores you do around the house? when im not sick... i vacuum, dust, do dishes, wipe counters and table, do laundry of others, disinfect, etc.

For you, does comfort or fashion come first in dressing? I would say 51% comfort and 49% looking nice

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? yes. lots of jealousy due to their feelings toward me.

Do you like Laffy Taffy? No. not my style of candy

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? manual.

Are your biceps at all noticeable? hardly.

Have you ever seen a walrus? absolutely!

Did you ever have one of those Easy Bake ovens as a kid? no. one time moms friends daughter (who was significantly older than me) lent hers to us... but there were no mixes of anything. so I didn’t know what to do with it.

Does your bathroom have a theme to it? nope.

From inside of your house, how many doors lead outside? uhhhhhhhh 3 if you dont include the garage door.

Are there a lot of trees in your yard? i wouldn’t say a lot. I wish.

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? treating me like crap cuts down my interest like immediately.

Have a best friend? meh.

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? no.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? yes. I dont need to concern them or worry them.

Does anyone hate you? kiles ex(?) i am sure does.

What’s the one thing you regret more than anything? hm. i dont really have any.

Do you remember important dates? yes. almost always.

What’s some lyrics from a song that means a lot to you? “what if we could put the world on hold and finally meet somewhere inside of the world? I would meet you... would you meet me?”

Who gives the best advice? mom

Who do you usually see in your dreams? :) It varies. depends on who I think about.

What type of cake did you last eat? graduation cake. 

How many of your friends are gay or bisexual? I have like 4 casual friends that are, but my closest friends are all straight.

What’s your favorite type of sandwich? buona chicken one. bless it.

When was the last time someone asked you out? Did you accept or decline? tonight. I said maybe once this quarantine business is over.

Do you like The Offspring? I know a couple of songs but I definitely can’t call myself a fan. << same

One pillow or two? 12

Do you like Mad Libs? not really no.

Are you suicidal? no. I mean there are moments where I think wow, i dont want to be here. but not like let me put together a plan.

Where do your grandparents live? my fathers parents were killed by a drunk driver bout ten years ago. My mothers father passed away maybe 12 years ago. My gram is fine and lives in the room down the hall. 

Do you cut yourself? not purposely

What is your pet’s name? benny and lottie.

Have you ever been to Canada? not yet.

Aren’t babies overrated? no, no. theyre expensive af though.

Have a built-in pool in your backyard? i wish more than anything but no.

Ever won yourself a stuffed animal? maybe once or twice. I one time had a guy win me an animal at a carnival and i found that sooooooooooooooooo attractive.

Ever had someone else win you a stuffed animal? woops. yes. lol

Ever been to a circus? i think when i was really little.

Ever shot animals? I have not. i couldn’t. 

Do you consider yourself intelligent? I do. It is something I have some confidence in.

Have you ever run away from home? when my dad was abusive, yes. 

Do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else? faith, family, friends, school, relationships (only cus im not in one)

What’s something you’ve stood up for in the past? my faith.

What’s something you worked extremely hard to get? my degrees and honors.

Are you satisfied with your body image? no. I am honored to have a body that is capable of all that it is.. that has been my “home” all these years. the body that still breathes life every day, thats all incredible. I dislike having the fat that I do, as I worry it could be off putting to others. but then I realize im fine being single, so then my body imagine is fine. its a weird cycle.

Have you ever been labeled negatively or otherwise been called something extremely derogatory? yes. when I worked and a customer didnt like a policy or whatnot.

Have you ever seriously taken advantage of someone or been taken advantage of? never to my knowledge have I taken advantage of someone else seriously. I have been VERY seriously taken advantage of.

Have you ever been seriously ill? trying to get over it now tbh

Have you ever befriended a former enemy? uhhhh, not that I know of. I tend to be friendly to everyone, but I can’t think of a situation where it was an enemy.

If you’re not religious, would you ever pray as a last resort? If you are religious, do you often pray for other people? I do pray for others quite often. it’s important to me. I sometimes will see strangers and immediately start praying over them. I actually almost started my GRE late because I was praying over every person I saw in the room lol.

Have you ever dated someone, then after you dated they came out of the closet or switched (for lack of a better word) sexual orientation? no. not to my knowledge anyway.

Has a boy/girl ever walked a ridiculous distance just to see you? How about vice versa? yes! like 8 miles lol. I have not. 

When was the last time you felt really uncomfortable? this past week.

Is there anything that your mom is really known for as to how she is as a person? shes everyones favorite. shes kind, funny, sarcastic, down-to-earth, warm.

Who have you been talking to the most today? mom lol

Are you nosy? I think it could be perceived as nosy but I love to make people feel ridiculously special. So I will sit and ask questions just to get them talking about themselves. If I recognize the personal questions are not working, I’ll keep it totally light.

What’s the meanest thing you have done to a friend? i really dont know.

If your ex called you crying, what would it most likely be about? if we consider kile an ex, it would probably be that he feels overwhelmed and feels alone because he doesnt have me or his ex anymore. :(

Who was the best kisser out of all the people you have kissed? ooooo thats hard to narrow down.

Have you ever been told that you have an annoying laugh? no. everyone comments on how they love when it turns wheezy.

[thedepressedweasel]

Please don’t assume that everyone had a wonderful family.

My ex-brother (whom I cut out of my life two years ago) has always been abusive to me since I was born and is also an ableist dickbag to boot. He’s also the kind of person who will beat you up, scream at you, call you names, harass you, badger you, cuss you out, etc., but won’t ever take it back.

And yet people always get so personally fucking insulted enough to say “But he’s your brother, you shouldn’t say those things about him, you should just always love, worship and respect him, no matter what!”

Excuse me, go fuck yourselves!

If your brother treats you like some brothers treat their siblings, you wouldn’t call him that either.

I will say whatever the fuck I want about him; therefore, I will also call him whatever the fuck I want!

He had called me many names to boot, such as stupid, fat, ugly, retard(ed), slut, whore, bitch, cunt, skank, ho, hooker, autist (I’m autistic BTW), stinky, smelly, (fucking) animal, useless, worthless, fatass, piece of shit, beached whale, annoying, obese prostitute, unfuckable, etc.

I call him a beast and an asshole because that’s what he is, he’s a fucking monster!

Before I go on to list abusive things that he did, please don’t say things like “Oh I hate my brother because he got an iPhone X for Christmas and I didn’t”. Don’t get me wrong; I won’t try to belittle your problems, but there are times that there’s nothing to belittle.

When I was little, I tried to get him to play with me and he kept saying things like “Go away!”, “Nobody likes you, etc.”, and yet I wouldn’t shut up, so he beat me up.

Also, even when I was little, he wasn’t above and, therefore, thought nothing twice of, belittling my intelligence (even though I was a good student).

One time, I wanted to watch Timon & Pumbaa and when I was watching its one episode in his room, he kept screaming abusive words in my face and even said that he would beat me so hard he could “send me flying to China”.

He even had horrible fantasies about murdering me in different ways and even beat me so bad that he “would send me flying to Australia or China”.

Then when I was in middle school, he became progressively worse; he would belittle me for watching cartoons (when he would do the same, just to be a hypocrite). He belittled me over my healthy appreciation for Pokemon and Super Smash Bros., tried to rip my Pokemon Stadium 2 poster, Pokemon Gold & Silver poster and Pokemon Crystal poster, respectively (just because he hated them), told me that nobody liked me, that everyone hated me, and even told me to shut up all the time. He would also punch and kick doors everywhere within my ear range (which even carried on well into adulthood until he moved out to New York two years ago) just because he could.

One night on my 14th birthday party, he beat me on the head so hard that I was afraid that I was going to get brain damage after that and it was all because I called him a “motherfucker” for being an abusive scumbag (but that’s what he is TBH). A couple of days later, he beat me up again and it was all because I was trying to kill a mosquito with a fly swatter and I called it the same name that I had called him for being abusive. He also became increasingly hostile towards me and even my “parents”, and yet they wouldn’t try to do anything about it.

Oh, and one time, when I rented Sonic Adventure 2: Battle (say hello to Shadow, people, because that’s what I did) and I chose to start with the Hero Story and, therefore, was already fighting the first boss, my ex-brother walked in on me during said boss battle and, instead of encouraging me that I could beat it, he said that I sucked. Also, when I finally got Sonic Heroes for my eighth grade graduation present, he tried to steal it from me whenever he got the chance.

Oh, and the last time we came to Calistoga (my grandpa was having a birthday there atm), my ex-brother was watching TV and at the same time, screaming at my “mom” and my grandma to shut up just because they couldn’t stop talking.

When I was 15, when a family friend’s father died and my “parents” came over to her house for condolences, I was using my “dad”’s computer when that hideous scumbag of a brother chased me around the house and even threatened to bash my head against the wall until it turned into mush (it sadly wasn’t the first time, though, since he also kept threatening to do that a year prior).

Also, when we went to this even in high school called “Breaking Down the Walls” and I misunderstood something and, therefore, embarrassed him by mistake, other siblings would simply sit their siblings down and talk to them about it and how they feel about it. But not my ex-brother; he really took it the wrong way, so when he came home from school, he immediately beat me up (even while I was trying to do my homework) and it was so bad that I came to school with several bruises and cuts everywhere on my body the next day.

When I was 16, I remember hiding in the water closet with the door locked because my ex-brother was punching and kicking walls and doors and even said that he would break and destroy my face; it was all over the fucking heat machine (which also doubled as an air conditioner every summer) working, since he saw that I was cold and just didn't care at all.

When I was 18, he beat me up on Thanksgiving...and it was over a fucking middle finger.

A year later, he beat me up because I was upset and crying after my “mom” verbally abused me.

I remember being mostly homeless (and living with my grandparents) at age 19.

When I was 22, he called me stupid because my “parents” sent me to get him to help and since he was eating something atm, I couldn't get him to help them with their groceries or something while they (and even my grandparents) just stood idly by and did a big fat nothing about it (my grandpa tried talking to him about it, though).

When I was 23, he lied to my “parents” about me writing stuff about him on Facebook everyday (when, really, I was writing more on JustRage.com instead) and forced them to take away my laptop. Then a few weeks later, when we were moving from Henderson to Las Vegas, I was taking a shower and I was going to blowdry my hair and then straighten it (since I took and still take pride in maintaining straight hair) and he took it the wrong way and not only punched and kicked walls and doors everywhere, but also beat me up (even when I finally got the courage to fight back), bashed my head against the wall and even threw away my GameCube, blowdryer, etc. (I did get them back, though) and even stole my phone, only for my “dad” to make him give it back to me. Then the bext day, we were going to Soyo Barstaurant (it is the weirdest Korean restaurant that I know) and I did what other humans did best, such as breathing, to which he took it the wrong way and screamed at me for breathing. Like, do you really want me to die, asshole? He also screamed at my “parents” and told them bad things about me and even said that they should have me euthanized, all the while misgendering me. Then once we were insude the restaurant, he was still screaming in my face, as if he was possessed by some demon and when I tried to reason with him, he screamed things like “Shut the fuck up, you fucking retard! I’ve always hated you since birth!” My “parents”, though, still did nothing about it. Then the next day, he was still badmouthing me, misgendering me on purpose (I was an AFAB), and even terrorized me.

He also did many more bad things to me, even when we moved again a year later.

At age 24, I tried to get some ice cream and he called me a fat pig and even threatened to beat me up over it, since he cared more about sleep instead of my happiness.

At age 26, he not only did more bad things to me, but even beat me up in the head, punched my rib cage to the point where the bruise on it would last for several weeks on end and even punched my belly so bad that I not only almost died after that, but I was also afraid that because of him, I would never be able to have any children...and it was all because I had enough and tried to run away.

Then a few months later, when my “parents” had to go to California to see what was up with my grandpa (he had dementia and was in the hospital atm because he was hitting my grandma, who had called the cops on him, thrice), my ex-brother beat me up for having cheesecake (I called the cops on him for that, even though they let him go after coming over the next day) and then pulled me out of class the next day, even stealing many of my electronics just because he could. Then the next day, he even stole the keys from me and wouldn't even let me check the mail, even saying “shut up” when I nicely asked to have them back...and then eventually beat me up. That was when I started breaking down, crying and even thinking “How can my own brother, my own flesh and blood, hate me so much? What the hell have I done to him to make me hate him so much?”, to which he just stood there and laughed sadistically in my face. I was not allowed to even lock my door or hide anywhere, even when he chased me with a knife and said that he was going to kill me (I think he might've been in gangs or something like that since high school, just an assumption). Then the next day, he punched and kicked my bedroom door as well as the walls upstairs, belittled my intelligence, badgered me, taunted me, laughed at me, called me names like fat, ugly, stupid, piece of shit, worthless, useless, obese, etc., said that all I did was “eat, shit and sleep” (when in reality, I was---am---the one who has always helped even more than he ever did) and even said that I would never be able to drive or get a job (when in reality, I could go to job training and he was the one who had prevented me from getting a job for several years on end) and that I was only good for sex. He also had tried to rape me for a few days and, therefore, a few times. When I was eating a chocolate muffin, he cruelly snatched it away from me and even crushed it into mush and threw it out in order to prevent me from eating, and then he deliberately jabbed at my throat and punched me. He also then told me that if I told anyone about it, he would murder me in cold blood and rape my corpse and that when my “parents” would die from old age, he would leave me out in the cold and kick me out and that not even my uncle and my grandparents would ever look for me neither (when in reality, I’m the one who has spent more time with them than he ever would) and that everyone hated me. He would also only let me have one meal a day and even told my “parents” through the phone that they should buy me lots of extra-strength diet pills. He still beat me up again the next day (my “parents” were finally coming back atm).

Then the next month, he called me stupid again after he called my “mom” and she forced me to pick up the phone for her against my will.

He did everything he could to make me even twice as miserable as himself.

Then when he moved out to New York, I immediately cut him out of my life and as a result, he could never hurt me again.

Please don't say things like “I hate my brother because he's autistic and annoying and I want him dead” or “I hate my brother because he got an iPhone X for Christmas and I didn't!”

Believe me, all I ever wanted for Yuletide/Christmas (or Hanukkah when I was younger) was a brother who was really nice, loving, caring, mutually helpful, mutually supportive, thoughtful, nurturing, protective (but not overprotective) and very kind so we could be best friends for siblings instead of a monster and his broken little ASAB (assigned sister at birth).

I could go on, but this is my story, so please don't belittle it by saying “I hate my brother because he's annoying” or “I hate my brother because he got an iPhone X for Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa and I didn't.”

Reblog if you know what real sibling abuse is.

[kentonramsey]

6 Foodies Share the Best Cooking “Cheats,” From Pancake Mixes to Pre-Made Sauces

Exciting news! We’ve launched MR Think Tank, a digital braintrust we want *you* to be part of. We’re kicking it off with a survey that will help us get to know you better, so we can keep making stuff you love. In exchange, you’ll receive exclusive content and other fun things. Interested? Sign up by taking the survey!

After weeks of inhabiting the body of an industrious pioneer woman, Freaky Friday-style, my natural inclination toward food laziness is beginning to restore itself. I enjoyed my period of experimentation, and I still want to eat large quantities of delicious food, specifically bread or bread-adjacent delicacies—I would just prefer if I could secure these things by walking into a restaurant or bakery. Since this option is not available, and my passion for measuring out numerous ingredients by the teaspoon appears to be waning, I’m interested in brokering a compromise: cheating.

Not the bad kind of cheating, though, like the kind that might get you kicked out of school. The good kind! The kind that enables you to cook great stuff with extremely minimal effort. I acquired my taste for this particular breed of cheffing when I tried Purely Elizabeth’s “Ancient Grains” pancake mix last week.

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BS (Before Syrup)

A post shared by Harling Ross (@harlingross) on Apr 30, 2020 at 6:41am PDT

The “cheat” was using a pre-made mix instead of whipping up the pancakes from scratch, and do you know what? The resulting breakfast was so good I made it again the next day. All you have to do is add an egg, some oil, and water. It takes like two seconds, which in addition to being addictively fast also made me wonder what other cheats I can incorporate into my feeding rituals. So I put on my “hungry investigator” cap and asked six food people to spill the beans (pun intended) about their favorite cooking cheats–i.e. specific food products that expedite their cooking adventures to delectable effect. Read their answers below.

Brinda Ayer

Managing Editor at Food52.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Brooklyn Delhi simmer sauces! For context, back in March, I had this rosy vision of what life would be like at home all day. I imagined myself nurturing loaves of sourdough (I ran out of flour two weeks ago) and simmering elaborate curries all morning to enjoy for a leisurely lunch (to date, my most involved afternoon meal has been pesto pasta). So, in order to feed myself properly, I’ve necessarily had to find ways to streamline and save myself some work. That’s where the simmer sauces come in—my favorites are Dad’s Savory Tomato Curry and the Coconut Cashew Korma sauce. I heard about the sauces last year when we worked with Chitra, the creator/owner of the company, on a video project we were doing at Food52, and I picked up a couple bottles for myself. They are so fresh, and flavorful, and fully life-changing! They also save me hours—it takes so long to make the same kind of sauce from scratch and develop that kind of flavor.

And then—can I be totally honest?—I love pre-fried crispy onions. I’m talking good old French’s onions, the kind you probably busted out for every Thanksgiving in your childhood. I hadn’t eaten them for years until a few months back, when they happened to be in the Food52 office from a recipe test. I took home the container that I saw at work, and then when that was finished, I bought… another one. They’re so good to throw in salads and on top of soups, and TBH just to snack on.

What it’s useful for: For the Brooklyn Delhi sauces, particularly the tomato kind, I just heat the sauce in a sauté pan and add in a can of drained chickpeas, plus some cut sautéed vegetables (mushrooms, peas, cauliflower, potatoes, a big handful of kale and spinach—anything, really), just to heat all of it through. It seriously takes minutes for a really great meal to come together, which I then eat with leftover rice or naan or even a flour tortilla.

For the fried onions, my favorite thing to do with them is to actually crush them finely and coat planks of pressed, seasoned tofu with them (h/t Food52er Emily Connor for this one), then pan-fry them in a skillet or bake them in the oven, kinda like these chicken fingers. The crusted tofu gets super crispy and the onions add so much great flavor and texture. They’re also really delicious over a big arugula or dinosaur kale salad with a healthy squeeze of lemon on top.

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Adriana Urbina

Chopped winner (three times!), culinary consultant, and founder of Tepuy Collective.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Maesri Fried Shallots and Lars’ Own Crispy Fried Onions (because making fried shallots or onions at home is very labor intensive, since you have to have the oil at the perfect temperature).

What they’re useful for: They add soooo much texture and flavor to sooooo many recipes–salads, roasted veggies, potatoes, pasta, lasagna, nachos, avocado toast, eggs, fish, meat–basically anything! I love them so much I eat them as a snack. You’re going to become addicted.

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Roxana Jullapat

Pastry chef, master baker, and co-owner of Friends and Family in East Hollywood.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Nutella!

What it’s useful for: Nutella can withstand oven temperatures, so I use it to fill hamentashen cookies or brioche buns. For the latter, punch a hole in the middle of each of them and fill with a good scoop of Nutella. You can top with streusel after or just leave them plain.

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Sierra Tishgart

Co-founder of Great Jones and former New York Magazine food editor.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Haven’s Kitchen sauces—particularly the Nutty Lemongrass flavor. Quarantine or not, I never want to deal with my blender (such a schlep), and this Haven’s sauce elevates even the simplest bowl of rice.

What it’s useful for: I use it to make a lazy stew with coconut milk, tofu, whatever vegetables I have in the fridge, and rice! I pile all of those ingredients in my Dutchess and let them hang out for 20 minutes or so—it’s really not precise, but I’m convinced you can’t mess it up. Oh also, I discovered it because I’m a big fan of the Haven’s Kitchen cooking school and café in Flatiron! If you’re looking to learn how to cook or just refine your skills, I highly recommend.

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Mattie Kahn

Culture Director at Glamour and the brains behind Disaster Baking, an objectively perfect newsletter.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: I have a bunch, but most fall under the general umbrella of pastes, dips, and sauces. With the help of a few trusted condiments, plain rice or pasta or a can of chickpeas can become at least five or six different meals. (Start with: gochujang, harissa, Soom tahini, and chili crisp from the new-ish Fly By Jing.)

With that said, the absolute best cheat I can recommend comes via my friend Indy, who showed me how to make the speediest and most delicious salad dressing with hummus. I’m obnoxious about true hummus—the luscious kind that’s made from scratch and served warm ruined the stale stuff on store shelves for me. But on a visit to Indy’s apartment in Berlin, I watched her make a dressing with a spoonful of supermarket hummus, thinned out with lemon, water, and a bit of oil. She used it on greens, avocado, and tomato, and it became a perfect meal—a dip and vegetables, masquerading as a salad.

I’m otherwise so, so reluctant to make salad dressing, which isn’t even that much work but just feels taxing to me. This is the best and most delicious and simplest hack I know, and it justifies the existences of store-bought hummus, IMHO. All brands work, but I like Abraham’s and Tribe better than the ubiquitous Sabra.

Also, if you’ve never used Ghirardelli’s dark chocolate brownie mix, please don’t be a hero and go find some. It’s better than homemade, and that’s just the truth.

What it’s useful for: [Ed note: Mattie over-delivered not only with her wealth of answers but also her instinct in answering this next question before I even asked it. Proceed!]

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Zoe Kanan

NYC-based pastry chef and two-time James Beard Foundation Award Semi-Finalist.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Trader Joe’s Hash Brown Patties are my freezer MVP. I have it on good authority (my mouth) that these are the exact same frozen patties that are fried and sleeved in fast food chains for breakfast, only rebranded. I first discovered them shuffling through the frozen food bins at TJ’s and haven’t looked back since.

What it’s useful for: I’ve never followed the oven instructions because they are so easy to reheat in a pan and get extra crispy. My #1 favorite use is breakfast tacos: fry up a patty, slice in half lengthwise, and snuggle each hash brown baton in a corn tortilla with egg, hot sauce, avocado, whatever else you have around. I’ve also been known to use them in place of a bagel: schmeared with labneh or cream cheese and topped with a few slices of smoked salmon, capers, black pepper, and a squeeze of lemon.

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Okay, your turn! What culinary cheats make your world go ’round?

The post 6 Foodies Share the Best Cooking “Cheats,” From Pancake Mixes to Pre-Made Sauces appeared first on Man Repeller.

6 Foodies Share the Best Cooking “Cheats,” From Pancake Mixes to Pre-Made Sauces published first on https://normaltimepiecesshop.tumblr.com/ 6 Foodies Share the Best Cooking “Cheats,” From Pancake Mixes to Pre-Made Sauces published first on https://mariakistler.tumblr.com/

[cicinicole-14]

coco’s college story

I just need to vent and get things off my chest. this is going to be quite long, and I’m going to add more to this, but we’re starting a new segment on this blog called #coco’s college story. I’m going to get personal and real and you don’t have to read, but I just need to write it all out. feel free to come talk if you feel inclined to. and since this will be long, I’ll put it under the cut. lets hope everything is spelled right...

college really sucks sometimes. I’m really stressed out from it and I have no idea what to do or what I am doing. 

I’m going to start at the beginning, or try to at least. which, brings me to grade 11. I think this is really where it started. everyone was starting to take the ACT/SAT (American standardized tests required for most college admittance) and I hadn’t even begun to think where I truly wanted to go for college. yet some kids in my class had already started applying wtf. all I thought I knew was that a. I wanted to go out of state and b. I wanted to go far from home and c. I wanted to be a doctor. 

summer of 2016 (summer after I finished 11th grade) I was in Virginia visiting my best friend Autumn (she plays a huge role in this). Autumn is 6 months older than me and would be at this time starting her first semester at GMU in the fall of 2016. so she asked me where I wanted to go to school. my reply? “haha that’s a great question!!! I have no fucking clue.” (literally word for word) and she was like “apply to GMU!!!” and I was like, “dude, Noah fence but you’re going there to be a hISTORY major and I literally slept thru that class for all of middle and high school. nah fam” and she’s like “yeah, but they have a great science program and then you can go to Hopkins after.” so I was like ok maybe. so I did what everyone does best: listed my pros and cons

pros: 

going to school w/ bff since age 3

1,025 miles from home and from my mother* 

good science program so I can be a dr?? 

location wise: gr8 bc autumn’s fam lived 2hrs north and my stepsister (who I’m close with) lived 2hrs NE and its a 2hr plane ride home to florida

cons: 

is hella expensive**

1,025 miles from home 

current number of people I know going to this school: 1 (and pls note: I hate doing things alone even tho I love to be alone. idk how to explain this but like like I enjoy being alone but I don’t like being alone. I know some of y’all understand this?)

leaving friends I have in florida

tbh, the pros outweighed the cons and I applied to GMU and I was accepted. (I applied to other schools and got accepted to one and denied at another because they closed the program I was applying for but I can assure u had they not, I would’ve gotten accepted)anyway, I took my ACT in October of 2016 and got accepted to gmu in December of 2016. I think that’s really when the stress started kicking in, because while I was happy to be accepted to my dream school, I had a lot of emotions I wasn’t ready for and then later on experienced them. 

2017 started off decently. I went into the second semester of senior year knowing I was accepted and 100% planning on going to my dream school, ready for a new future, ready to leave Florida, excited about going to Italy that march with my class etc… 

but it also brought hard times because I ended my friendship with one of my best friends in the whole world: olivia. we were inseparable and had been for 8 years and knew each other for 13 years. it was seriously really hard, especially because not only was I close to her, I was close with her mom, little brother, big sister, niece and nephews. it really sucked. 

and, I had the daunting task of telling my mother I was going to Virginia for college. 

now, as some of you may know, my relationship with my mother is very strained. and whenever I refer to my “parents” on Tumblr, I’m talking about my dad and stepmom, because I always refer to my mom (as mother) separately. and add to the fact, my mother flipped out on autumn’s mom a few years ago and told them to never speak to me again. so, since I was 12 years old, my mom has had no idea I’ve kept in touch with autumn and still has no idea I go to school with autumn. (my dad and stepmom love her family and her and see no problem with them same as me and she’s my best friend and my mother has issues we will not be addressing rn) anyway, so I didn’t tell my mother I got accepted to GMU until April of 2017. (mind you, I found out mid-december and my dad found out when I got the email because I made Claudia stop the car before we headed to a Christmas party lol) and so I told my mom in April that I was going to GMU and she asked me if autumn went there and I lied right thru my teeth and told her I had no fucking clue because we weren’t friends, remember? and that was one big thing that really started the stressing because a. I didn’t have olivia there as my bff to help me thru the stressful time, and b. I so badly wanted my mother to be happy for me but I knew deep down she really wasn’t because she also flipped out a bit and was like “wtf ur going to college? u leave in august?” and I was like yeah, what did you expect me to do?” and honestly, she was angry about it, but I was an adult, its my life and she had no say in where or whether or not I was going to college. 

so, fast forward to college. idk how chronological this will be so we’re just going to list some stressors I’ve had with college. 

it’s 1,025 miles away from home

I grew up in a town in Florida, in the same neighborhood I was brought home from the hospital in (I almost said same house, but I moved down the street long story…) I went to a preschool from ages 2-4 and then started elementary and middle school ages 5-13 at one school and then half of my eight grade class went to my high school. and I was there for four years. these people were family. out of the 7 people who went to high school with me, 4 I knew since kindergarten, one I knew since fifth grade and the other since sixth and the last one was me. and I made two friends (chelsey and Claudia) in ninth grade who are my sisters. I love them both so much. I would talk thru fire for them (and autumn, Robyn and belle ofc but we’re talking about my friends at home) anyway, I grew up there. Florida is my home. I like small places. I lived in a kinda small city in my two bedroom condo with my parents and doggo and I had neighbors who I’d known most of my life. my whole family was in Florida basically, minus my aunt (dad’s sister who we visit in NY or she’d visit us).

I was leaving my friends

I went from seeing Claudia every day in school, and once every two weeks during the summer or a few times a week because of our movie dates lol, and chelsey who graduated the year before me and lived an hour away from me at home, made it a point to still come to my school to see me and sleep over at my house, and then during the summer she came over once a week and stayed over. I saw them all the time. we’re three peas in a pod. I saw them a lot. and I only have 5 really close friends. friends I would walk thru fire for, and trust with my life. mentioned above: Claudia, chelsey, autumn, Robyn and belle. and we all have different relationships. autumn moved away when I was 11 and I coped with that in middle school (another dark time in my life) and I learned to live with that. Robyn and belle I met over Tumblr, so I’d never entertained the prospect of seeing them regularly. (tho Robyn and I have kinda made a pact of visiting each other during the summer and thus every other summer I get to see belle when Its my turn to visit Canada) but chelsey and claudia? I saw them a lot, and I hadn’t had to cope with a friend, who I saw a lot and was inseparable with, be away from me for a huge long period of time in a long time (age 11). and to add to the fact, both chelsey and Claude go to school at home and they became close with my family too so like idk it all just kinda fell apart 

I get really homesick/leaving my parents and dog

this one wasn’t as bad solely because, I left home august 2nd. I was traveling by myself most of this month. I saw my parents at the end of the month when they held me move in for college. then, I got a surprise visit from them and my doggo in September because they drove up to my sister’s house 2 hrs from my school to escape the hurricane that was to hit Florida (bless, my house was fine). then I saw them again in October, because my sister got married!!! and thanksgiving I saw them again, November, because ofc its thanksgiving ill see them, even though it flew by. and now here, its December and I’m going home for a month. so I’ll see them thru January. and then lbr, because my dad works in Maryland a lot, he’s probably gong to be up north most of 2018 too and he vowed to visit me when he could because he’s a mush and misses his kid even if he denies it. also, the homesickness; I don’t like being away from people/be by myself in a house for an extended period of time, but I kinda built up my tolerance because my dad travels a lot and I have speration anxiety from it (he travelled all my life and I was left with my mother for a lot of it so stress but I built up a tolerance for it when I was like 15 and my homesickness started getting better from then on out) and like I did really well when I spent 8 days in Italy without my parents etc which I only had 1 tiny little freak out and Claudia helped me thru it and was proud at the fact that I only had one like 2 days in to the trip and was fine after that. 

my life plan

holy f u c k. ever hear the saying like “you plan and god laughs”? well, holy fuck, it can’t be more true. I don’t care what god or thing you believe in, its fucking true. I’m a planner. not a detailed one, but its a rough outline, I have a plan of my life, roughly outlined; its got a few bullet points mainly looking like this:

my life:

go to college out of state

make money

be a doctor in the nicu

be a mom/foster/adopt kids

own lotsa pets

have enough money to build my own house

were going to focus on the “be a doctor” point. because this is where everything got fucked. 

since I was five years old, five. I wanted to be a doctor. since that age, I narrowed down the specifics and specialty etc. I picked out what school I wanted to go to for medical school and whatnot. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five fucking years old. 

college has since changed that plan...

about a month into school this semester, I changed my major of–––biology degree> medical school> be a doctor to uh, now I’m currently in the pre-nursing (BsN) program at my college (and I’m minoring in photography, but that I knew about and hasn’t changed). I remember this day very clearly when I decided. it was a Monday. idk the date, but it was Monday and I was sitting in the JC (the main campus building) with autumn eating food and I was like “I’m having a crisis and I want to change my major to nursing” and so then I called my dad and told him I was going to do it. thankfully my while family was very supportive (minus my mother I have not talked to her since September[?]***)

so that happened, and threw me for a loop. 

college is just extremely different in general.

I really don’t even know how else to categorize this. so here are just random things. 

professors are weird. all of them. no matter their age: which this ranges too because I have some that are like two coughs away from dying and others who are literally only like 5 years older than me… fucking weird. 

your syllabus is your fucking roadmap. don’t fucking lose it. 

nothing ever gets graded at a decent time. I literally got two papers back without grades on them and they aren’t online either but the prof said that they’re recorded in the gradebook he has so like????

I grew up going to private christian schools since I was 2… which means no cussing in class and wearing a uniform and your parents drive you to school, we don’t have busses. 

college: no dress code. I wore pj’s (with jack skellington on them) to class and Christmas and halloween printed leggings and hoodies with just a bra underneath and fucking whatever the hell I wanted to class, strapless/sleeveless dresses, whatever. my professors cusses in classes/lectures. I was taken back by this at first. but thoroughly loved the chillness and laid-backness that classes had tho because I could say whatever I wanted (vulgarity wise). and I now blame my worsening swearing habit on college because I’m not in christian private school or nannying 3x a week anymore so I haven’t needed to curb my language… walking…everywhere… I live on campus in a dorm without a car (autumn has one but we really only use it to run errands on Fridays) and damn that was a shock. because while yes, I lived in a smallish city and there was a Walmart and dollar store close to my house to walk to if I was bored, I didnt really walk much, we drove a lot. because my school was 15 miles away. and like idk nothing wasn’t super close. and now here that I live on campus, my whole life is here. I eat sleep and breathe campus, so I walk everywhere. to all my classes, to get food, well thats basically it because thats all college leaves you time for… 

college is stressful. 

and finally, here are more things that I wasn’t expecting. 

I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult. Im currently taking 6 classes (16 credits altogether) and out of those 6 classes, I’m currently passing 2 I think? college is fucking hard. it didn’t help that I had a few major major major anxiety attacks and literally disassociated with everything for a week, two different times, plus I got sick with a nasty ass cold, and like idk, just it sucked. I moved 1,025 miles from home and then homesickness an that reality of “I’m living a thousand miles from home by myself” hit me. and I literally know no one here except autumn who I see once a week on Fridays. (because we both have off) and like it killed me. I left my only home I’ve ever known. I moved my whole life here. and I had a shocking realization that yeah, I’m going to Florida during breaks and whatnot, but I left Florida August 2, 2017 and I knew it was for good. I packed up my whole room last summer and knew that when I got on the plane, I wasn’t going to ever be coming back home home for good. I left my keys on the kitchen counter and said goodbye to my room. and yes, its still my room, but it’s been a guest room for the past few months and its not my room anymore. I did move out. and so that hit me too. 

and I’m alone here. I had a mental breakdown one day when I was texting chelsey and Claudia and all I really wanted was a hug from them but they’re a thousand miles away and couldn’t give me one, so I was stuck crying in the middle of our campus chick-fil-a. and so I texted autumn at 9am on a Thursday and she came in her pj’s and walked across campus to give me a hug so I could hug her, cry on her shoulder and breathe a little easier. 

and while I know this decision to move states away and leave everything I’ve ever known was hard, I know it was the right decision and the best decision I ever made, and the scariest.

I know that because if I went to school at home, I would Never have ended up moving out. I know I needed to experience college dorm life, and living by myself more, and being independent. I know for my health––mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally––it was for the better. mentally: I am able to escape my mother being here where she can’t visit me or I won’t run into her here. physically: I walk everywhere and I’m attempting to eat healthier etc… spiritually: I’ve had a rough time with my faith, but I’m a christian and like autumn helps me a lot with this in strengthening my faith etc etc, (I’m more spiritual than religious) and emotionally: I’ve been able to heal and accept who I am, and I came out as bi to my friends, currently 4/5 of them and all of you guys. its a new zone here and I can live and be free and be me. I don’t have to worry about the people I knew from high school judging me because I’m bi and we went to a christian school etc. I’m who I am here and my decision to move here has helped me grow. 

and also, yeah, I’m stressing currently about my future, but I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m failing classes right now, but I’ve realized thats because I haven’t been on my A-game. I went thru a major life change, I’ve had a bit of family health issues, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues and stress surrounding my mother and my relationship with her since starting college, and like a lot more, and so I have decided that while I had a mental breakdown about not making it into the nursing program, I’m going to take it slowly. fuck doing this all “fast and in four years and yada yada”. Its only been one semester, this is a whole new ballgame for me. college is so different from high school. so, I’m going to be better next semester, focus more on my passions, maybe take summer classes, and not pressure myself to be in the nursing program in my 3rd year, take my time. there’s no rush. 

notes:

*– mother and I have a very strained relationship due to her years of mental abuse (and very little but still prevalent physical abuse) towards me. I’ve been trying to get out from under her thumb since I was 10. moved in with my dad when I was 12 but since he travelled for work a lot, I stayed with mother etc until I was about 15 when I stayed with friends or by myself. and so being away from her like this has only brought peace and less fights because I don’t have to see her or talk to her

**– college out of state tuition is hella fucking expensive, but thankfully, my granddad had set aside money for his grandkids (there’s only 2 of us, me and my cousin Kiersten who is out of college now) and has put us thru school (private school) our whole lives. we have been blessed so very graciously with being able to go to any school we chose debt free because our grandpa has it covered no questions asked and truly its the best thing ever because while I grew up not worrying about tuition, I still grew up with a tight family income because mom had a fixed income and then when I moved in with dad, he worked for himself, so he has seasonal work… some months its great, other months were scrounging for the last few dollars to put food on the table… 

***–since moving to college and being out from under my mother’s thumb, I’ve been talking with my parents (again remind u this means dad and stepmom) about me needing to learn to heal and forgive and just live my life and I can’t do that if I keep having my mother call or text me or expect me to visit her etc… I’m an adult. I’m going home this Christmas to tell her that if she wants to be my mother in the long run, she needs to play by my rules, and this is now going to happen my way. I need to cut contact with her for however long. and she’s not to reach out to me. I need to be the one to do it because if she pushes it, our relationship is so strained right now because of her actions, if she attempts anymore, she’s going to lose me forever as her daughter and deep down, we both don’t want that. so I need space and need to learn how to forgive her. and she needs to get help and learn to be a better person herself. she needs to do a lot of things I’m not going to get into here but yeah, basically. 

so that’s it. this was really long and I’m sorry about that. if y’all feel inclined to talk to me about any of this, feel free to do so. I needed to talk through this. I’m probably going to talk about #coco’s college story a bit as my life goes on. I will keep everyone updated. college is stressful, and crazy, and scary and wild and fun and terrifying and a lot of emotions mixed in one

xx cici 

[circeswife]

October 2006, 8 years old-- My mom brings home a copy of the self-titled album from the library and we listen to the songs together.  I’m 8 so I don’t understand all of it yet, but I know instantly that I love it.  I know Taylor is young, and I’m awed that she’s accomplished so much already.  I’ve already decided I want to be like her when I grow up.  At that age, I'm obsessed with Eragon and dragons and swords, and would dance around my room with a ruler (my sword, obviously) and pretend I was battling with evil kings.  The self-titled was my soundtrack.

September 2008, 10 years old-- I’ve just started 5th grade and my alarm goes off in the morning for school and the radio is playing.  A brand new song starts (Love Story), and I don’t know it yet, but I can tell I’m going to love it.  Later I found out the song was by Taylor and I’m ecstatic because that means there’s new music coming.  The very next year in 6th grade in my chorus class, we have karaoke Fridays every week and from day 1 I know I want to sing Love Story.  Later in the year there’s a Karaoke Concert and students Ms. Stanley chooses get to perform.  I sing Love Story and the whole night I’m all smiles.  (A few years later, my grandfather is in a Veterans Affairs nursing home in Richmond, VA.  They hold holiday dinners for the veterans and their families.  At one of the Thanksgiving dinners, there’s a DJ who is having people do karaoke if they want.  My dad walks up with me and asks the man if he has Taylor Swift songs.  He says he does, and I sing Love Story again.)  The album comes out a few months later and Change quickly becomes my new dragon fighting anthem.

October 2010, 12 years old-- I’m introduced to Speak Now the same way I am Fearless, with hearing Mine on the radio before school.  By then, I’m old enough to recognize it as a Taylor Swift song without needing to be told.  When I learn that Taylor wrote every single song on the album, I love her even more.  I’m not in chorus anymore, but there are new electives at my middle school, and one of them is karaoke.  I take it as many times as possible (they only lasted a quarter and then you were supposed to sign up for different things).  My friends and I make a goal to sing as many Taylor Swift songs as we possibly can (we get through quite a lot).  I love every single song on the album, but I’ll always have a soft spot for Long Live (the dragons, again).  My dad hears Haunted, and for the first time he starts to like Taylor’s music, too, not just because I do.

October 2012, 14 years old-- I’m a freshman in high school and I’ve spent a lot of the last few months listening to Taylor’s first 2 albums again.  I’m at a point in my life where I’ve realized I don’t have very many close friends (maybe 1).  My group of friends from middle school fell apart all too quickly when high school began and I’m not sure where to sit at lunch or who to talk to.  I latch onto Red and all its songs because at this point, Taylor’s music has been in my life for a while and I almost consider it a friend.  I feel weirdly passionate about We Are Never Getting Back Together, considering I’ve never been in a relationship.  All Too Well is beautiful and breaks my heart every time I hear it (which is why I listen to it a LOT).  My dad decides his favorite song is The Moment I Knew off of the bonus cd, and to this day it still is.  I’m on the swim team at school, and one of the meets is fairly far away and my parents come to it and instead of riding home on the bus with the team, I ride home with them and we listen to the album the whole way home.  I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pick a definitive favorite Taylor Swift song, but as of right now in my life, Red is my favorite album.

October 2014, 16 years old-- 1989 is released and I’m nervous because it’s a different style of music this time around, but I buy it anyways because it’s Taylor Swift and she’s never let me down before.  I love it.  Every time I listen to the songs, I notice something new about them and find something new to love.  At this point in my life, I’ve long since realized I want to be a writer and this album reminds me that Taylor Swift was one of my first inspirations since she writes most of her songs.  At Christmas, my parents surprise me with concert tickets to see the 1989 world tour in D.C. July 13th.  I have bronchitis that Christmas and a little out of it tbh so my reaction was definitely a bit more laid back than it normally would’ve been.

July 13th 2015, 17 years old-- This is the summer I started my job as a coach on my long time swim team. My coworkers and my swimmers have heard a lot of my excitement about the concert.  It finally rolls around and it was and still is the best day of my life.  I was up in the stands of Nats park with my mom and dad dancing and screaming along lyrics with people I’d never seen before and it was such a surreal experience.  It was the first concert I’d ever been to, not just my first Taylor concert.  I think I cried at least 3 times.  I wanted to live in that moment forever.  The next day, I went to swim practice/work despite getting less than 4 hours of sleep, and BOY did I talk about it all day to my swimmers.

Summer 2017, 19 years old-- This was the first summer I was too old to swim on the team, so this year I’m just a coach.  One of the lifeguards decided to play from Taylor Swift’s spotify a couple times, and every time a song came on, my swimmers knew I was gonna be dancing and singing as loud as I could.  One day a different lifeguard was playing music so there wasn’t any Taylor in the playlist, and one of the parents asked me about it.  At the end of the season all the coaches got thank you cards that the swimmers signed and 3 different people signed mine as Taylor Swift (it was adorable and its on my insta @llyceab).

Taylor’s music has been a part of my life for a long time, longer than the swim team I now coach for.  Her music always seems to fit my life like a soundtrack, and its been like a friend to me.  Idk if she’ll ever see this, I just wanted to say it bc as an artist and as a person, she’s so important to me.  I’m at a point in my life where I’m starting to push back against the people who aren’t really there for me and become who I want to be.  LWYMMD inspires me to not take crap from anyone and be myself unapologetic about it.

@taylorswift

[accidental-butt-touch]

Multiples of 6, because I do hate you as much as you hate me

bitch. you made me do actual math

3: Zodiac sign?

Aries

5: Book/series I reread?

I attempted to reread the Leviathan trilogy but the only one that I have actually reread was A Series of Unfortunate Events. I reread books all the time (although lately i haven’t been able to finish books anymore lol)

6: Aliens or ghosts?

Aliens are real. Ghosts are not

9: Favourite flavour of anything?

I don’t think I have a favorite flavor of anything but usually cherry is a safe flavor

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

fantastic

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better?

what’s ur name?

15: Last song I listened to?

Sidewalks - The Weeknd

18: Movie I watch when I’m feeling down?

my favorite ones, jurassic park and the fifth element

20: Favourite video games?

i’m not really a video game player but I loved my psp game Daxter and Sims Castaway so much. i wish my psp still worked…

24: Cats or dogs?

i’m a dog person tbh

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in?

used to be Robin Williams but i guess now it’s…

27: Am I in a relationship?

HA! i never been in a relationship in my entire life

28: Something I miss?

being able to stay home

30: Eye colour?

Dark brown

33: Someone I trust?

i trust different people for different things but i trust my mom for most things

36: My current obsession?

killing stalking…

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to?

no not really

39: Am I superstitious?

nah

40: What do I think about most?

mostly i’m calculating when i can get free time

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

definitely behind it. i hate pictures of myself so much bc i hate myself

45: Last film I watched?

i didn’t get to watch the whole thing bc i had to get back to my homework but it was national treasure

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow?

50: How do I destress?

i take long showers and stay up late fucking around in the internet

51: Do I like confrontation?

no

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off?

shroud me in darkness

55: Play any sports?

HA no

57: Favourite drink?

iced tea

60: Pet peeve?

i CANNOT STAND IT when people make noises with their mouth while eating or chewing (not even myself)

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger?

i wanted to be a paleontologist

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

66: Something I worry about?

if i’m gonna finish my work on time

69: What do I admire most about others?

depends on the person

70: Can I sing?

I wish i could

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do?

depends on the amount but if it’s a substantial amount i’d pay off my loans, buy my parents a car, then save the rest

75: Where do I want to live?

i don’t necessarily have a specific place that i want to live but i really want to get out of florida. it’s too damn hot

78: Early bird or night owl?

100% night owl.

80: Can I drive?

yep. drive to class at least 3 times a week

81: Story behind my last kiss?

never been kissed

84: Story behind one of my scars?

i’m gonna give you two cause i’m feeling generous

The one i have on my right knee was because I was being a dumbass and was “interpretive bike dancing.” I was twisting gracefully on my bike and then i either hit a small pebble on the road or turned wrong and just splatted on the road lol

the one i have on my left eyelid was when i was four and i was at my babysitter’s house. she was also taking care of her granddaughter at the time and she was the same age as me. she wanted to cut my hair so she took a pair of scissors and tried to cut bangs. she but both my hair and my eyelid open. fun times

85: Favourite genre of music?

I don’t necessarily have a favorite but lately i’ve been really into electronic music

87: Favourite comic book character?

harley quinn

90: Favourite sporty activity?

staring at the ceiling. it’s pretty athletic  

93: Siblings?

1 little brother

95: How tall am I?

5’2” lol

96: Can I cook?

i can cook some things but I’m no chef

99: 3 things I hate?

snoring

thanksgiving/holiday scented things

country music

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?

i have more girl friends. i have no idea what happened to all of my guy friends lol

102: Where was I born?

Florida

105: Last person I texted?

this group chat i have for a group project i have for tv class

108: Favourite Youtuber?

TerryTV

110: Do I like selfies?

no lol

111: Favourite game app?

words with friends, although i haven’t played it in a while

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit?

Japan

115: Favourite number?

5

117: Am I religious?

this is kind of a difficult question. I’ve been raised in a strict christian household so i do hold some of those beliefs but i’m kind of in a spot where i’m not sure what my beliefs actually are. so i’ll get back to you on that

120: Am I much of a daredevil?

i can be just to spite someone

123: Can I wiggle my ears?

actually this is a recent skill that i have randomly developed. so yes

125: The Beatles or Elvis?

I was raised with the Beatles so the Beatles

126: My current project?

technically it’s an edition of drypoint prints in printmaking class AND IT’S KILLING MY WILL TO LIVE

129: Forest or beach?

i like and hate both

130: Favourite piece of advice?

i’m not sure

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district?

friends say i’m a ravenclaw. I actually passed to Dauntless but i was one point away from Erudite. i have no idea how you find your district but i want to know now

135: Do I like gossip?

not really but i am guilty of partaking in it sometimes

138: Do I believe in second chances?

yes

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do?

find who lost it. look inside for the id and see if there’s a number to call if no one claims it. if they never respond i’d figure out where i can turn it in to

140: Do I believe people are capable of change?

yes

141: Have I ever been underweight?

i have never been a normal weight no

144: Have I ever been on a plane?

yeah. when i was extremely young tho

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family?

let them be my actual family

147: Do I have any piercings?

i had two in my ears but i think the second ones closed up cause i lost the earrings

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

i don’t know

153: What was my first car?

2008 nissan sentra

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know?

leah @trashcanbees

156: My most embarrassing memory?

why tf would i put that on the internet and let that be used as blackmail

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty?

brains

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe?

black, grey, and blue

162: What do I hate most about myself?

EVERYTHING

165: Do I believe in fate?

not really no

168: Have I ever been on TV?

technically yes. when i was a baby, my dad when he worked at the local fox station  put a clip of me sleeping in my crib for a local commercial

170: One of my favourite quotes?

i had an answer for this and then i lost it

171: Do I hold grudges?

not normally i don’t think

174: Best gift I’ve ever received?

this light up cherry blossom tree that sarah got me for graduation and an infinite CD that leah got me when i first got into kpop

175: Do I dream?

yes and either they are weird as fuck or very violent

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind?

i used be able to remember my dreams a lot but lately it’s not as often

what comes to mind are the ones that had to do with showers

180: Do I like shopping?

i abhor it

183: What is my spirit animal?

idk

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose?

to speed draw and have it look good af

186: What is my greatest failure?

attending college

189: Love or career?

i don’t understand why you can’t have both??

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go?

i’d be afraid bc time travel could mess up shit but i’d go to the future to see if the world actually does go through an armaggedon. either that or just see if i do end up being alone for the rest of my life

192: What is “home” to me?

my house???

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens?

no cause i’m almost sure they would be hostile

198: Zombies or vampires?

……vampires…..

200: Dragons or wizards?

dragons?

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me?

i haven’t had any real traumatic nightmares lately so idk

204: Have I ever had my heart broken?

no i don’t think so

205: Do I like my handwriting?

my handwriting is shitty but i’ve just learned to accept that

207: Worst job I’ve had?

i am a potato and have never had a job

210: What is on my bucket list?

to go to France to see the gothic cathedrals and to go to Japan to see the cherry blossoms

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot?

nooo

215: What is the weirdest talent I have?

apparently i make really good coffee??? but i don’t do anything to it???

216: Favourite fictional character?

Spencer Reid from criminal minds

Walter Bishop from Fringe

Nozaki Umetaro from gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun

honestly i have no idea if i chose the right ones bc towards the middle i kinda got confused

[gracia-suficiente]

it’s been a long time since I’ve done an update post so here’s a GIANT 2019 post. 

I’m about to go back home for the holidays and I wanted to write out this post before I left. Here’s just a few highlights of the year that I want to remember:

January: I went to one of the art museums here in Austin for the first time. I also saw (my now favorite musical) Waitress for the first time. For the first couple of months of the year, I was talking to (for a lack of better words) this real sweet guy and whenever I think of January, I think of him. 

February: My grandmother passed away at the end of this month and it will always be one of the worst days of my life. I went back home for the funeral. When I came back to work the following week, a few of my coworkers came together and bought me a plant and card and it was the sweetest thing ever.

March: Looking through posts and pictures, I don’t think anything major happened in March. I was probably anxious and sad because I can’t seem to remember anything from this month either.

April: I went to an Austin Symphony Orchestra concert for the first time. I traveled to Houston for work. It was great. I really liked this audit team and they were fun to travel with! I think it was in April that Luke (the January guy) and I stopped talking. 

May: That same audit team and I traveled to Ft. Worth for work. I really enjoyed this second round of traveling even more. My sister graduated from college with her bachelor’s degree and it was nice to go back home for a short trip to see her graduate! 

June: My family came to visit me in Austin because my brother had a state competition for orchestra. I’m so glad that I got to see him perform with his quartet (I really miss getting to see his performances now that I’ve moved away). My family spent a week with me and they even got to come to my company’s summer pic-nic (my mom won second place in the games we played lolol). 

July: It was hot so I stayed indoors and didn’t do much. I really hate summer y’all. OH WAIT I just remembered that I had a brief encounter with this guy I met on Catholic Match (ugh I know so lame that I was even on that site lol). I thought he was super sweet and we had so much in common and one day he said he really liked me and wanted to get to know me and literally the next day, he sent me a text saying that he felt like God wasn’t calling him to a relationship right now. HE USED THE GOD CARD. Siri, play “I Forgot You Existed” by Taylor Swift. 

August: I went back to Houston for work. It was just me and the project manager so I was a bit nervous but it went really well! I also volunteered at the animal shelter with my coworkers. Mid-August, I found out that I got promoted! That was super exciting and made me so so so happy! My cousin moved to this part of Texas for school this month and I got to hang out with her, my tias, and a family friend. But August 2019 will always be a dark month in my mind because of the El Paso shooter. That day was the second worst day of my life so far and I just remember feeling so furious and incredibly sad that whole weekend. I’m still heartbroken over it.

September: My favorite month of the year! It was my birthday month and I went to NYC to visit my sister! I also finally got to meet my tumblr friend (and favorite tumblr/internet person tbh) Daniel. I saw Vampire Weekend for the second time with my sister at Madison Square Garden! I also started my favorite audit and I was accepted to be a part of the Wellness Committee at work. My family also came to visit for a super quick trip because one of my dad’s cousins got married. Oh and one of my favorite coworker friends asked me to cat-sit for the first time. Wow September really was a dream month.

October: This month was also fun! I went back home for an impromptu trip because my brother won Homecoming King and I wanted to celebrate with him and my parents. It was a quick weekend trip but I’m so glad that I went! One of my other favorite coworkers invited me to this spooky Halloween event at the Austin Public Library and it was so much fun getting to hang out outside of work. We got to dress up for Halloween at work for the first time and I was an angel and I got so many compliments on my costume. And I met this cute guy (Tanner) on Hinge and we started dating.

November: Tanner ended up being not so cute so I broke up with him a couple weeks after our first date. I went to Houston to see Sara Bareilles for the first time ever! I went on a hike with some of my coworkers.I cat-sat again. Then I went back home for Thanksgiving!

December: I had been helping plan a couple of charity events at work for the holiday season and we donated quite a few toys and coats to children in the area! I also helped plan the Holiday Reception at work. We got to dress up in ugly sweaters for the first time and that was also super fun! I got to see my boys, the Jonas Brothers, for the first time in nearly a decade and I am young again. This coworker that I appreciate and look-up to nominated me to be the new Wellness Coordinator (president) since the last Coordinator stopped working at our office abruptly. It was so nice to have his support and nomination and I’m so excited to be in this small leadership position at work! I bought my own little Christmas tree for the first time and it’s a small boy but it’s precious and lights up the room.

I feel like most years I can say if they were good or bad but this year was such a wild mix of both that I can only describe it as bittersweet. The lows I had were some of the lowest places I’ve ever been and the highs were monumental for me. I’m not sure what will come in 2020 but I’m ready for a new year. 

[birdieboob]

Talk about quiz

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie.

The one movie which I can watch a million times and not get sick of is Shawshank Redemption. It used to be my most hated movie until I actually sat down to watch it because it plays pretty much every day. I love Andy!


2:Talk about your first kiss.

My first kiss was with Steven in second grade! I dont remember exactly where it happened but he was my first boyfriend.


3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for.

Oh boy thats tough. The most intense feelings was with this one ex. We dated for a short amount of time but our whole relationship was intense. There was such a sweetness to it but also a comfortable feeling. I felt secure. But alas that ended.


4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

I regret not being able to save for texas! Its just so fucking hard!


5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

The best birthday I had was also one of my worst. It was my 16th birthday and we were all supposed to go out to play pool along with my boyfriend. But my younger brother threw this HUGE fit about mt boyfriend coming so he had to go home so it was just my dad, me and my older brother who went. It was nice to spend time with my dad like that. Then when I got home they sat me down and gave me this little box. I opened it and it was a sweet 16 necklace! I have it still in my jewelry box.


6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

See above.


7:Talk about your biggest insecurity.

My belly. Ugh. I have a beer gut.


8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

My daughter! She is the most amazing little girl I have ever known. She knows how to make me laugh but also knows how to warm my heart. She is the silliest girl and has her mama’s sass. Im so glad I created her and I get to watch her grow up. 😭


9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

I love my eyes. Ive been told my eyes are my best feature! My mom calls them Jeepers Creepers eyes lol


10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

Ive had a few lol but the biggest one? Ima tell you top 2. One boyfriend was asking me what I did last night (he was possesive) and I told him I hung out with a friend who was a girl. He asked what we did and I said we just hung out in a friends clubhouse in his backyard. He then got very angry accusing me of cheating and went to punch my face but I moved my head fast enough and he hit the lockers. I ran away crying to my resource room and he came in after me with his hand tripled in size. My teacher must of clued in because she made him leave and comforted me. Another one was I had been disagreeing with a boyfriend for a few days and we fought for a fucking week straight. He dumped me on thanksgiving. I cried for 5 minutes and was like “oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️”


11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. No idea tbh.


12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. Sooooooo maannnyyyy


13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time.

Lol oh shit here we go. Im gonna get hate for this! I was dating my first serious boyfriend for a year and half and I decided “you know what its almost valentines day Im gonna have sex with him”. So we walked around in the winter then I told him. We tried to find a spot (because my parents had no idea I was doing anything sexual so we couldnt do it in the house) so we found a gas station. He asked for the key while I waited by the door. We got in, turned on the hot water to warm up the bathroom and we had sex lol. Honestly... i couldnt feel shit. Like for my first time I thought “is this sex? Am I not doing it right? Is there something wrong with me?” Fuuuckkk Ill be waiting for the comments on this.


14:Talk about a vacation.

I went to Ottawa when I was 16, cody watched my rabbit, we had to bring my sisters rabbit cause she just had 6 babies, got super sunburt, ordered a hot dog and they forgot to ask for the money lol.


15:Talk about the time you were most content in life.

Right now! Life is perfect!


16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

No one invites me to parties lol.


17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

Idk lol


18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school.

I joined gymnastics which meant I had to be at the school for 7:30am to practice. I didnt have a leo like most girls but going through the lost and found I found a purple one. I wore it the next day and everyone was questioning it so I never wore it again.


19:Talk about something that happened in middle school.

I got bullied like hell. I got dog treats thrown at me every day.. my bully and her friends would mimic my lisp and everyone called me dumbo. So I cried to my parents. On a hearing appointment my ENT randomly brought up pinning my ears back because he noticed how out they were. My parents were hesitent but I convinced them I needed it.


20:Talk about something that happened in high school.

Grade 9. I heard about this guy who all the girls “fawned” over which is what I heard from the guys. One day he comes over to me and says hello. My heart skipped a beat and said hello back. From then we became close friends alongside a girl named jessie. One day we were all at jessies house and both me and him were upstairs. He was on the computer and I was on the bed. Suddenly he turned around and grabbed a pillow and began smothering me with it. I managed to get him off me and I went to go be with my friend so I laid on the couch. He came down after a few minutes and got on the couch with me. I whispered “please no” and he covered us with a blanket. He began molesting me while I cried and kept pleading him not to. His body held me down while my friend sat there and watched. Once he got off I just ran out the door and he followed me to the bus stop. Once I got to the stop I kept crying but he grabbed me and pushed me up against the glass. His hand was on my neck and he kissed me aggressively. Tears were streaming down my face when this guy comes to wait for the bus and he noticed so he said something. The guy who did that to me left. The next day and until he graduated he would shove me in the halls and punch me. He said I wanted him and Im making it all up. He made high school hell.


21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

Omg. Lol. I was in the mental ward and this one guy was crushing on me so hard. We were in the tv room and he was writing me notes waiting for me to reply so I started answering him. This is how the convo went.

Him- are you single?

Me- yeah why?

Him- wanna date?

Me- i dont know you

Him- but I wanna eat nesquick out of your pussy.


22:Talk about your worst fear.

My worst fear is someone hurting my family. :(


23:Talk about a time someone turned you down.

Uhhh cant think of anyone.


24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

My parents and people close to me tell me Im a good mom. It just feels ao goos to hear.


25:Talk about an ex-best friend.

Oh idk which one to talk about. The one who watched me get molested? The one who stalks and harrasses me still to this day? The one who disappeared randomly or the one who kept choosing her other friends over me. Bleh.


26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

I woman up and take care of my child. Its like Im not even sick. I dont moan about it.


27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body.

I looooveeeee @zombiepearl666 lips!

28:Talk about your fetishes.

I just like rough sex. Nothing too fancy lol


29:Talk about what turns you on.

See above.


30:Talk about what turns you off.

Missionary... where you lay ontop of me and thrust. Cant breathe. Gah.


31:Talk about what you think death is like.

I believe you get to watch over your loved ones. Like sit in the same room they are in and just admire them.


32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

I dont remember places lol


33:Talk about what you do when you are sad.

I used to cut. But now I just lay in bed and vent to megan.


34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

My gallbladder attacks. Fuuuccckkkkk those were so bad they had to knock me out till the attack was over.


35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. I wish I would stop not saving.


36:Talk about your guilty pleasures.

I like to eat out when I know its bad for me. Does that count?


37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

Im still unsure if I ever felt love with any boy.


38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

Fast car reminds me of my mom. Any nightwish song reminds me of my dad. The last night by skillet reminds me of cody and a million reasons by gaga reminds me of gator.


39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

I wish I knew who would hurt me.


40:Talk about the end of something in your life.

16. The end of all normalcy in my life. It was when I got schizophrenia.

[kentonramsey]

6 Foodies Told Me Their Best Cooking “Cheats” 

Exciting news! We’ve launched MR Think Tank, a digital braintrust we want *you* to be part of. We’re kicking it off with a survey that will help us get to know you better, so we can keep making stuff you love. In exchange, you’ll receive exclusive content and other fun things. Interested? Sign up by taking the survey!

After weeks of inhabiting the body of an industrious pioneer woman, Freaky Friday-style, my natural inclination toward food laziness is beginning to restore itself. I enjoyed my period of experimentation, and I still want to eat large quantities of delicious food, specifically bread or bread-adjacent delicacies—I would just prefer if I could secure these things by walking into a restaurant or bakery. Since this option is not available, and my passion for measuring out numerous ingredients by the teaspoon appears to be waning, I’m interested in brokering a compromise: cheating.

Not the bad kind of cheating, though, like the kind that might get you kicked out of school. The good kind! The kind that enables you to cook great stuff with extremely minimal effort. I acquired my taste for this particular breed of cheffing when I tried Purely Elizabeth’s “Ancient Grains” pancake mix last week.

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BS (Before Syrup)

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The “cheat” was using a pre-made mix instead of whipping up the pancakes from scratch, and do you know what? The resulting breakfast was so good I made it again the next day. All you have to do is add an egg, some oil, and water. It takes like two seconds, which in addition to being addictively fast also made me wonder what other cheats I can incorporate into my feeding rituals. So I put on my “hungry investigator” cap and asked six foodies to spill the beans (pun intended) about their favorite cooking cheats–i.e. specific food products that expedite their cooking adventures to delectable effect. Read their answers below.

Brinda Ayer

Managing Editor at Food52.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Brooklyn Delhi simmer sauces! For context, back in March, I had this rosy vision of what life would be like at home all day. I imagined myself nurturing loaves of sourdough (I ran out of flour two weeks ago) and simmering elaborate curries all morning to enjoy for a leisurely lunch (to date, my most involved afternoon meal has been pesto pasta). So, in order to feed myself properly, I’ve necessarily had to find ways to streamline and save myself some work. That’s where the simmer sauces come in—my favorites are Dad’s Savory Tomato Curry and the Coconut Cashew Korma sauce. I heard about the sauces last year when we worked with Chitra, the creator/owner of the company, on a video project we were doing at Food52, and I picked up a couple bottles for myself. They are so fresh, and flavorful, and fully life-changing! They also save me hours—it takes so long to make the same kind of sauce from scratch and develop that kind of flavor.

And then—can I be totally honest?—I love pre-fried crispy onions. I’m talking good old French’s onions, the kind you probably busted out for every Thanksgiving in your childhood. I hadn’t eaten them for years until a few months back, when they happened to be in the Food52 office from a recipe test. I took home the container that I saw at work, and then when that was finished, I bought… another one. They’re so good to throw in salads and on top of soups, and TBH just to snack on.

What it’s useful for: For the Brooklyn Delhi sauces, particularly the tomato kind, I just heat the sauce in a sauté pan and add in a can of drained chickpeas, plus some cut sautéed vegetables (mushrooms, peas, cauliflower, potatoes, a big handful of kale and spinach—anything, really), just to heat all of it through. It seriously takes minutes for a really great meal to come together, which I then eat with leftover rice or naan or even a flour tortilla.

For the fried onions, my favorite thing to do with them is to actually crush them finely and coat planks of pressed, seasoned tofu with them (h/t Food52er Emily Connor for this one), then pan-fry them in a skillet or bake them in the oven, kinda like these chicken fingers. The crusted tofu gets super crispy and the onions add so much great flavor and texture. They’re also really delicious over a big arugula or dinosaur kale salad with a healthy squeeze of lemon on top.

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Adriana Urbina

Chopped winner (three times!), culinary consultant, and founder of Tepuy Collective.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Maesri Fried Shallots and Lars’ Own Crispy Fried Onions (because making fried shallots or onions at home is very labor intensive, since you have to have the oil at the perfect temperature).

What they’re useful for: They add soooo much texture and flavor to sooooo many recipes–salads, roasted veggies, potatoes, pasta, lasagna, nachos, avocado toast, eggs, fish, meat–basically anything! I love them so much I eat them as a snack. You’re going to become addicted.

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Roxana Jullapat

Pastry chef, master baker, and co-owner of Friends and Family in East Hollywood.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Nutella!

What it’s useful for: Nutella can withstand oven temperatures, so I use it to fill hamentashen cookies or brioche buns. For the latter, punch a hole in the middle of each of them and fill with a good scoop of Nutella. You can top with streusel after or just leave them plain.

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Sierra Tishgart

Co-founder of Great Jones and former New York Magazine food editor.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Haven’s Kitchen sauces—particularly the Nutty Lemongrass flavor. Quarantine or not, I never want to deal with my blender (such a schlep), and this Haven’s sauce elevates even the simplest bowl of rice.

What it’s useful for: I use it to make a lazy stew with coconut milk, tofu, whatever vegetables I have in the fridge, and rice! I pile all of those ingredients in my Dutchess and let them hang out for 20 minutes or so—it’s really not precise, but I’m convinced you can’t mess it up. Oh also, I discovered it because I’m a big fan of the Haven’s Kitchen cooking school and café in Flatiron! If you’re looking to learn how to cook or just refine your skills, I highly recommend.

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Mattie Kahn

Culture Director at Glamour and the brains behind Disaster Baking, an objectively perfect newsletter.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: I have a bunch, but most fall under the general umbrella of pastes, dips, and sauces. With the help of a few trusted condiments, plain rice or pasta or a can of chickpeas can become at least five or six different meals. (Start with: gochujang, harissa, Soom tahini, and chili crisp from the new-ish Fly By Jing.)

With that said, the absolute best cheat I can recommend comes via my friend Indy, who showed me how to make the speediest and most delicious salad dressing with hummus. I’m obnoxious about true hummus—the luscious kind that’s made from scratch and served warm ruined the stale stuff on store shelves for me. But on a visit to Indy’s apartment in Berlin, I watched her make a dressing with a spoonful of supermarket hummus, thinned out with lemon, water, and a bit of oil. She used it on greens, avocado, and tomato, and it became a perfect meal—a dip and vegetables, masquerading as a salad.

I’m otherwise so, so reluctant to make salad dressing, which isn’t even that much work but just feels taxing to me. This is the best and most delicious and simplest hack I know, and it justifies the existences of store-bought hummus, IMHO. All brands work, but I like Abraham’s and Tribe better than the ubiquitous Sabra.

Also, if you’ve never used Ghirardelli’s dark chocolate brownie mix, please don’t be a hero and go find some. It’s better than homemade, and that’s just the truth.

What it’s useful for: [Ed note: Mattie over-delivered not only with her wealth of answers but also her instinct in answering this next question before I even asked it. Proceed!]

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Zoe Kanan

Head Baker for Simon and The Whale, Studio, and the George Washington Bar, all at the Freehand NY.

Favorite culinary “cheat” product: Trader Joe’s Hash Brown Patties are my freezer MVP. I have it on good authority (my mouth) that these are the exact same frozen patties that are fried and sleeved in fast food chains for breakfast, only rebranded. I first discovered them shuffling through the frozen food bins at TJ’s and haven’t looked back since.

What it’s useful for: I’ve never followed the oven instructions because they are so easy to reheat in a pan and get extra crispy. My #1 favorite use is breakfast tacos: fry up a patty, slice in half lengthwise, and snuggle each hash brown baton in a corn tortilla with egg, hot sauce, avocado, whatever else you have around. I’ve also been known to use them in place of a bagel: schmeared with labneh or cream cheese and topped with a few slices of smoked salmon, capers, black pepper, and a squeeze of lemon.

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Okay, your turn! What culinary cheats make your world go ’round?

The post 6 Foodies Told Me Their Best Cooking “Cheats”  appeared first on Man Repeller.

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