#d20 I owe you my whole life I love her SO MUCH

[heyitsphoenixx]

SHE’S HERE I’M GONNA CRY

@caitmayart I’m in love with this box art I opened it so carefully to save it for when I move it’s too gorgeous

SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL OH MY GOD 🥹🥹🥹

WIZARDRY

[bemorecronch]

You Should Ask Him Out (Jared Kleinman X Gender Neutral Reader)

WARNINGS: Fluffy fluff. Swearing, Jared being awkward and weird. INCLUDING: Michael Mell from Be More Chill An anon asked for one where you worked in a nerdy store and he comes in to see you, so here it is! Every day at Hitchhiker’s Comic Books was the same. You thought it would be awesome working where you loved to shop, but all you got were parents who didn't know what they were looking for; kids who tried to steal shit; or neckbeards who thought they knew more than you. You didn't hate it, you got to read comics in your spare time and the people who you worked with were sweet. “just this.” You looked up. He was chubby with glasses and a nervous grin. In his hands was the new Saga. You smile back, “sure!” You take it from him. He looked shy and actually a little cute. You glance at the comic and notice some rips, “ah, crap. It's tore. Some kids that come in here are assholes- I'll get you a different one.” He nodded, “oh yeah, uh, OK.” You turn and step up the small ladder to reach for the spare comics. You can feel Michael; your co-worker, watching and smirking. You find what you're looking for and hand it to him, “$2.99.” You smile and he scrapes around his pocket for the money, giving it to you with a shaking hand, “here. Thanks.” He was blushing as he left the store, and you glanced over at Michael who was chuckling. “What?” You ask, he shakes his head and smiles, “he was kinda cute.” He moved closer and you rolled your eyes, “I guess.” He wriggled his eyebrows, “he was staring at your ass on that ladder.” He laughed in a sing-song voice. You smacked his shoulder, “no he wasn't!” Michael raised his hands up in surrender, “whatever. But you couldn't see him. I thought his eyes were going to bust out of his head.” You throw one of the d20’s at him and he bats it away. -- A week had past before you saw him again. He was buying a Rick and Morty issued comic. He looked up and smiled, “hi, just this one please.” He wasn't making eye contact with you and you scanned it, “it's a good one. This issue, I mean.” You comment, he nods “yeah- they're sort of getting me through the hiatus.” You smile at each other and hand him the comic. He stares at you for a second longer before someone in the queue coughed. He looked panicked, “alright, later.” He left the store and you served the next person. After the rush died down and you and Michael were alone you could here him chuckling. “You're so into that nerdy kid who comes in here.” “We work in a comic book shop Mell; you're gonna have to be more specific.” But you can feel yourself turning pink. He mimics your posture, batting his eyes, “it's a really good one. The issue, I mean.” His is voice is really high and he suddenly snaps back to himself, “that's you. That's what you sounded like.” Your eyes are wide, “no I don't!” He leans against the bench, “you should ask him out.” You scoff, maybe a little too theatrically, “I don’t even know his name.” Michael shrugged, “so ask.” - You were stocking up Pop! Figures when you see the guy walk through the door. He browsed the ones you were stocking and you look over at him, “oh, hi.” You smile. He smiles back, “these are so lame.” He commented. You glance at him, “I know. I have some at home.” You laugh. There's alarm in his eyes, “oh- no I mean- like they're cool! Whatever.” He coughed and you shook your head, “oh I'm super aware how dumb they are, don't worry.” “You were right. The Rick and Morty issue was really good.” He wasn't looking at you, but he seemed really nervous, “I know right? It's airing on Netflix in a week and I'm so ready.” God he really is cute. Nerdy and a little awkward. Your eyes drift to Michael; who's holding up a piece of paper with the words “GET SOME.” Written in sharpie. You're whole face heads up and you look away. “You ok? You look like you saw a ghost.” Jared turns behind him and Michael slams the paper on the desk before he can read it, “no! That's just my face, that's my- that's what I look like.” You babble and he cocks an eyebrow, “OK.” “So- uh, are you looking for something?” You try to change the subject and he looks away, “no I- I'm just looking.” He stumbles. You finish stocking and nod, “OK, come get me if you need me.” You go to walk back to the counter to smack Michael for the sign. “JARED!” You turn, “what?” The guy was blushing, “I said Jared. That's my name, so I… So I said it.” He stumbles out his words and you nod, “I'm (Y/N).” When he leaves without buying anything you feel yourself grinning. When Michael gives you a quizzical look you shrug, “his names Jared.” He rolled his eyes, “just know I'm not covering shifts so you can fuck in the stock room.” - The third time you saw him he buying the second issue of Saga, but you weren't serving him. You were looking for an issue of Monstress for a parent. Michael was serving him. He took one look at Jared, “you want me to go get her/him?” “What? No. Who? What?” He stammered, leaning against the counter and instantly losing his balance, trying to steady himself. Michael chuckled, “Jesus you're perfect for each other.” “What?” “Nothing.” He shakes his head and scans the comic, “but like… Is (Y/N)… Seeing anyone? Like…” “Totally single. Completely single.” Michael cut Jared off and they watch you stock up shelves, Jared glanced at him, “and you're not…” Michael shook his head, “my boyfriend might have an issue with it, so no.” Jared nodded, “not that I'm interested.” He backed away grabbing his comic, “oh sure.” Michael nodded. Jared left, blushing and smiling a little. After stocking you move back to the counter as Michael leans against the counter, “why do you look so smug?” You ask. He shrugged, “your boyfriend was asking about you.” You spin to look at him, “what? No. Who? What?” He's grinning and you have no idea why, “asking if you were single.” You browse nonchalantly through the pokèmon cards, “what did you say?” “I told him we were dating.” “WHAT?” “I'm kidding! I told him you were totally completely single.” Your eyes widen, “really dude? I sound desperate.” You place your head in your hands, “yeah well, you are. He's nice and interested. Ask him out.” You bit your lip, “yeah. Yeah. I will.” - Jared walked into the shop, greeted by Michael shouting his name to obviously let you know he was there. You slammed into the manga section in a panic and heard Michael laugh in the distance. You walk up, adjusting yourself, “hey Jared.” He smiled at you and you tried to buck up the courage. Michael took it as his queue to grab his phone and go to the back of the store. You feel your phone buzz with an alert: Text from Michael: GET SOME!!! You close your phone and look up, “I uh- and this isn't like an obligation. I don't know. I was just wondering if you wanted to go for a coffee?” You're trying so hard to sound casual, and his eyes are wide. You can feel heat rising to your face and your brain goes into over drive. He looks worried, “I uh… I can't.” He whispered, leaving and shutting the door. You want to die. You want the ground to swallow you up. You want every villain in every comic to jump off the pages and beat the shit out of you because it would be less painful. Goddamn it. Goddamn it! You put your head in your hands. Michael looked out from behind the comic stand, “shit. I… Fuck I'm so sorry. I thought…” You lean against the desk, “no it's, it's fine. I thought so too.” You looked up, “like- shit. I really… Really thought he liked me… Am I stupid?” You ask, Michael shakes his head and squeezes your arm. - Three sulky days had passed as you were over-corrected by guys in duster jackets and yellow sunglasses. Michael had cheered you up as much as he could, but you couldn't help but feel cheated. “Hi.” You look up at who had addressed you to see Jared. He doesn't have anything in his hands and he's not making eye contact. You lean back in your heels, “hi.” There's a moment of silence and you watched him take in a deep breath, “look,” he started and you held up a hand to interrupt, “it's fine. Don't- don't speak. You don't have to make it awkward. I thought there was some sort of thing between us and I was wrong. It's ok, no hard…” You were cut off when he kissed you. Leaning over the counter to get closer. His lips were a little chapped but he smelt amazing. You pulled away, “I'm so confused.” He looked down, “I am a wreck. I can't communicate and I substitute actual emotional progress for sarcasm.” He rambled off, “the only reason I can even say this is because I've been standing outside that door for 40 minutes trying to psych myself up. Nobody hot ever really looks at me… Saying no was a panic move and… And I'm sorry.” “Oh.” He looked around, “sorry for kissing you.” You smile lightly, “it's ok… So, coffee?” You ask. He's turned pink, “even after that neurotic breakdown?” You nod, “no ones perfect. Plus I can't just go around kissing customers. I think you owe me a coffee now.” You smiled and he rested on his elbows, “cool. Good. Ok. Whatever. Sure.” You lean forward, “you're being neurotic again.” “Sorry.” “I won't tell anyone. I finish at 5 if you want?” You ask, he stands up straight, “yeah. 5 sounds good.” He walked directly into a stack of comics, adjusted his glasses and walked out. After a second Michael scooted next to you, “you like a boy.” You feel like your cheeks are on fire, “shut up.” You chuckle and he nudges you, “you kissed a boy too.” You hit his shoulder, “stop.” He starts laughing, “you want to fuck the b…” “MICHAEL.” - Bonus: Michael was right, you did end up in the stock room. Michael was scarred for life.

[housebeleren]

Top 15 Unstable Jokes

UNfortunately I have been inUNdated with work and UNable to post for just how UNbelievably excited I am for UNstable! 

Okay, I’m done with that, I promise.

I should cosplay the shit outta this...

The reason I’m so excited is that I’ve never actually had a chance to play with an Unset. And honestly, as much as I love Unglued & Unhinged from a joke/gag perspective, both of them looked like kinda a pain to actually play with. Unstable, on the other hand, looks like an absolute blast. The right blend of  shenanigans and actual playability.

But today, it’s all about the comedy antics. As the previews came out, I found myself laughing out loud more than once. And, as I prepare for my first draft this weekend, I find myself getting increasingly excited and amused. So today, I’m going to talk myself through the top jokes from Unstable. So let’s get cracking!

Honorable Mentions

Phoebe, Head of S.N.E.A.K. for stealing text boxes with fierce dominatrix style

Overt Operative for some top-notch flavor text

Riveting Rigger for doing it!

Masterful Ninja for being really, really fucking sneaky

Side Quest for being all too real to gamers everywhere

Old Guard for keeping us safe from whippersnappers

Krark’s Other Thumb for allowing us to thumb war with his first thumb

Faerie Aerie for dropping some sick rhymes

Do-It-Yourself-Seraph for being an inspiration to us all, sans serif

Beast in Show for reminding me that Parker Posey is fucking brilliant and needs to find her busy bee

And now, the actual countdown!

15) GO TO JAIL

I adore the idea behind this card. Send your opponent to jail a la Monopoly, and make them try to roll doubles to get out.

Gurl got a facelift

14) Sword of Dungeons and Dragons

I love this. This spin on the rest of the swords (Light & Shadow, Body & Mind, etc.) is super fun and flavorful. There aren’t many Rogues & Clerics in Unstable, or Magic in general, but they’re iconic creature types in D&D. And I love, love, LOVE the D20 roll.

13) Animate Library

Okay, not only is this card just an awesome concept of enchanting an entire fucking zone (seriously, what’s next: Enchant Battlefield? Enchant Hand? Enchant Exile?), but it also totally wins on flavor text. 

Sometimes the books hit back? I LOLd.

Also, Raymond Swanland absolutely crushed it with the art on this piece.

12) Arms Depot

All of the contraptions are funny, to some degree. But this one, once I got a good look at it and understood what I was seeing, made me giggle like no other. Name, art, ability, and overall flavor are just so perfectly on point. Bravo.

11) Really Epic Punch

For those who don’t know, this is a mashup of these two cards:

Now, Maro said there was no combination of human, bear, and dragon that would be funnier than a bear smacking the dragon, but I disagree. I think having Sarkhan do a double uppercut to a bear and a dragon at the same time would be pretty fucking epic. Either way, this card is a fantastic inclusion. Well done.

10) Just Desserts

Okay, first, some education. The phrase this is playing on is “Just deserts.” Deserts are rewards or punishments deserved or owed to someone. So if you’re using the real life phrase, it’s not “just desserts,” it’s actually “just deserts.” Looks like deserts as in the Sahara, but is pronounced like desserts as in cake.

Aaaaaaanyhoo, the real reason this card earned its spot on the list is because of its flavor text. Time to put the “die” in diameter? That’s world class punning right there.

9) Extremely Slow Zombie

For this one, we’ve got to see the whole lineup:

Last strike is sheer brilliance, but what pushes this over the top is the art and flavor text. This zombie is so damn slow, it takes an entire year to not only get close enough to swipe at you, but even to tell you what it’s after. Of the common cycle of creatures with alternate art, this is my second favorite.

(Yes, the best is yet to come...)

8) Better than One

Of all the cards that seem like they’d lead towards an awesome time at draft, this seems like one of the most fun. And I love the name of the card, as it’s perfectly evocative of the saying. Also, I love the ... turtle-bird-thing in the art, and kinda want one for a pet.

7) Entirely Normal Armchair

Cheatyface 2.0 is hysterical and I adore it. This is a not only a hilarious joke when it reveals itself, but is also a super high draft pick.

Nothing to see here...

6) Infinity Elemental

So the joke behind this one has more to do with the context surrounding it than the card itself. Maro tells the story way better than I ever could, but as someone who’s been following the back and forth on the “Vanilla Mythic,” seeing this made my day.

5) Urza, Academy Headmaster

Headless Urza cracked me the fuck up when I saw it, and the fact that all his abilities are randomized abilities of other Planeswalkers is genius. (Would Urza be anything other than genius?) This is another one that’s been teased around on Blogatog for a long time, and seeing it realized is everything I could have dreamed of.

Well, not quite everything... If they had printed “Urza, Academy Headmaster can be your Commander”, that would have been everything.

But having Therese Nielsen paint this piece more than makes up for it, so I can’t really complain.

4) Target Minotaur

Unlike Really Epic Punch, which is more a joke on recent Magic, Target Minotaur is a joke on old Magic. When they needed to illustrate spells hitting creatures, they had to pick a creature that we didn’t feel bad pummeling. So minotaurs got more than their fair share of abuse in early Magic cards (along with drakes), and this is a reference to that. I especially love the umbrella he’s holding in variant B.

It’s such a small umbrella!

3) Steamflogger Boss

The prodigal rigger returns. This card was originally printed in Future Sight as a joke “future shifted” card, full of references they never intended to follow-up on. People started asking: What’s a Rigger? What’s a contraption? How are contraptions assembled? Will we ever see a set built around contraptions? 

Maro will surely go through the story in more detail soon, but the short story is that it was said by the Magic Rules Manager that Contraptions would never happen, to which Mark said he’d make sure to solve them. Then Maro kept silent for years, even after he knew Unstable was happening, without revealing to the endless questioners that Steamflogger Boss, and Contraptions, were already solved. Well played, Maro, well played.

2) Crow Storm

Oh... very well played. This is the single best pun in the set, hands down. Just in case it’s not obvious, this is a riff on this card:

A sorcery called Crow Storm that makes a whole bunch of Storm Crows? My hats off to everyone at Wizards who had a hand in making this card. Bravo, Wizards team, bravo. My hats off to all of you.

Final thought on Crow Storm. Maro was asked if it could ever be a black-bordered card, and he said no, they would have had to cost it outrageously high in order to make it black-bordered. But Empty the Warrens is only 4 CMC, and that makes two creatures at a time. A lone storm card, such as Aetherflux Reservoir (yes, it is a Storm card, even if it doesn’t say so), doesn’t break a format. It’s the enablers that break formats. The free mana spells and cantrips are what make Storm cards ridiculous. I fully believe that Crow Storm could have been printed at 3U and been totally fine in black border without breaking anything.

And now, drumroll please because:

Muahahahahaha!

No, that’s not it. The last one is:

1) Very Cryptic Command

The very best joke in all of Unstable is this, the multiple variants of cards. And no card exemplifies it better than Very Cryptic Command. When this card was first previewed (variant B above), the general reaction was “nice, cool, whatever, but it’s not really anything that couldn’t be in black border with a minor tweak).

Aaaaaaaand then... different versions started appearing online. Rumors started flowing that there were alternate printings of this card. And slowly it dawned on all of us watching that the joke was on us the whole time. Drafting Unstable will be a unique experience each and every time, since you don’t know what versions of cards you’re going to get.

Simply magnificent.

And that wraps up the top jokes from Unstable. Truly, I cannot express enough how excited I am for this set.

BUT... before I sign off, I need to add one caveat. And that is that I think there are a few missed opportunities in this set. So let’s go through those really quickly.

Top 3 Missed Opportunities

3) Faerie Aerie

Wait, but wasn’t this one of my Honorable Mentions? Why yes, yes it was. The missed opportunity is that there is no card called “Faerie Derriere” in the set. Maybe it’s just the big ol’ queen in me talking, but that is a fabulous bit of rhyme, if I do say so myself.

2) Tread Mill

Love the name, love the art, just one problem. Why the crap doesn’t this actually mill your opponent? Seriously... this should crank and mill your opponent. 

1) Slaying Mantis

Don’t get me wrong. I love this card. I love the art. I love everything about this card. But what I would have really loved to see was a Mantis, all dolled up like Ben Delacreme, sashaying her way down mothafucking RuPaul’s runway, throwing shade left & right.

Slaaaaaaayyy mama slay!

That card would have made my life. 

Even more than Unstable already does.