#cuz they were still there on thursday when said friend and i went to the mall

[ashtonisvibing]

lads guess who's got a dogsitting thing in a few days (from my friend's mom, aka the only people i'd be dogsitting for) and will thus be getting money :3

you can go look around at the mall

but watch out!

[introverted-author]

This is random but a memory that would keep me from Vecna would be this one night from October when my church had this fun hangout thing for their anniversary and the place where The people lived was HUGE like 50 acres of land and they had dogs and some chickens and a big pond with a paddle boat and a few kayaks. We had just finished bible study that morning and the pastor's went fell asked me if I wanted to go. I asked my friend if she wanted to go (cuz she's the only reason i'd want to go she was my only friend at the time) and she said yes. So later we went to the people's house 2 hours before the anniversary thing started so we had the whole place to ourselves. The later it got the more fun it was and I spent basically all of the day with her and it's definitely my favorite memory. But now we don't go to that church anymore and I haven't seen her in months and she's the only friend my age I managed to make without failing miserably and the only other irl friend I have is 11 years old (no offense I love that kid) but STILL. Anyways it was just a really fun night and I'll probably never see her again but then I remember:

There's an episode of bluey where Bluey goes camping with her family and she meets this kid named who speaks French and she couldn't understand him but they still played together every day. Then a few days later bluey goes the to play with the French kid but then her mom tells her they left. Then later that night Chilli (blueys mom) is taking Bingo (Bluey's sister) outside to pee and bluey asks Chilli why Jean Luc (French kid) had to leave.

Bluey: mum?

Chilli: yeah?

Bluey: why did Jean luc have to go?

Chilli: their holiday was over, honey.

Bluey: but I wanted to keep playing with him. He was my friend.

Chilli: Well, look. Sometimes special people come into our lives, stay for a bit, and then they have to go.

Bluey: but that's sad.

Chilli: it is. But the bit when they were here was happy, wasn't it?

Bluey: yeah. We caught A wild pig together.

Chilli: maybe that makes it all worth it.

Bluey: will I ever see him again?

Chilli: Well, you never know. The world's a magical place.

So yeah I miss her a lot but that episode really gave me hope that maybe I'll see her again one day.

And holy shit I did not mean for this to be so long. I swear this was meant to be a what would save me from Vecna thing not whatever this is.

Also please watch Bluey more it's my secondary hyperfixation

Also the Bluey episode is S1 E43

Thank you if you just read all that

The memory that would keep me from Vecna is from Easter this year. I've had a pretty shitty time with my physical and mental health this year and struggled to find reasons to keep going. My church does this youth event every Maundy Thursday where we stay after the service and stay up all night doing bible studies, worship, watching movies and being generally silly. Then in the morning we go to the Good Friday service and play bingo in the message to help us stay awake!!

Anyway, I was feeling particularly hopeless that night and I confided this in a leader I really trust and she helped so much. And in the morning, I went to watch the sunrise with three of the leaders who I'm friends with and watching the sunrise with them and being silly with them helped me feel so much better and gave me new hope. I treasure that memory so much and it would definitely save me from Vecna.

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 2016 I was surprised to find my blog included on the list of Top 2016 Blogs. :) I learned this when I saw it was the referral page of one of my visitors.

Went to the pool just before 6pm. It was 100 degrees and desert dry. The water aerobics was just finishing up. I saw a woman (Debby?) I recognized from the afternoon aerobics that’s been here 7 years and met a couple that just moved in 2 weeks ago.

Here’s the shocking part… the pool is to be locked at 8pm due to vandalism. Here?!?! I guess maybe some kids were jumping the fence and cutting the locks, so they started using these cable locks. But why close the pool 2 hours earlier due to this?

Contacted a local rattery about their rats, but haven’t heard back from them yet. That’s too bad because I’m very hesitant to get any more rats from pet store chains. They simply don’t take the time to handle them enough from birth so that they’re not as shy.

Noticed that I’m not as hungry much lately, not that I’m complaining. I also noticed I haven’t had that intense PMS hunger in months where I’ll have a day or two before my period where all I want to do is eat yet I never feel satisfied. These days, however, I don’t know when it’s coming because it’s gotten erratic.

Still hear from the woodpecker every now and then in the early mornings. Fortunately, it can’t wake me up thanks to the sound machine I play during my sleep, but it’s annoying when I am up. It usually only makes a few pecks, but any more and I must shoo it away with a broom. During vacation, Tom’s going to blow leaves and debris from the roof. It’s after fallen seeds from trees and stuff like that.

So it took me 3 pillows to find the right one. Surprisingly, the longer bamboo pillow I got with shredded memory foam was harder to shape to my liking than the shorter one, so now I’m back to using that one, and that’s the one I’ll stick with. It’s ideal for all sleeping positions.

Although I know I won’t get a reply, I messaged Joan’s family and explained that I live in California now, was a student of hers, and would love to see any pics of her from the 70s if they had any.

Later…

So Holly must’ve seen my message on Facebook cuz now her friend list is invisible. Although I didn’t tell her or Shannan that I found Shannan through her list, she obviously put two and two together. Or she told Shannan she heard from me and Shannan said, “Funny, cuz so did I.”

Still kinda insulting if you ask me. Not replying to someone is one thing. Hiding like a coward is another. It makes a person feel almost feared for absolutely no reason at all, not to mention insulted. Maybe she just figured that if I could find her and her friends, so could others. But all I did was say hello to them. I didn’t stalk, harass and badger them. So why be so rude about it? It’s almost like she might as well have replied with, “Ew! Who the hell wants to hear from you? Go away! I’m gonna hide my friends from you now, you ugly, unwanted, crazy loon.”

It will be interesting to see how she acts the next time she cleans my teeth.

The more I see Aly bitch about the depression she tried to pin on me, the less I miss her

Contacted a local rattery this evening. Hope to hear from them soon. Really want to check them out over his vacation. One more day!

3.5 hours to go till Camp NaNoWriMo begins! Not very prepared, though. I mean I have a basic plot mapped out, but no real details as of yet. With this soft word count of 10K, that’s less than 400 words a day needed to hit my goal, so I’m not worried about it.

Shane is now fully finished. I shared it on Facebook with Tammy, but don’t know if I’ll share it elsewhere just yet. It’s over 16K.

How did Bob manage to get the blinds up over the garage window that faces the afternoon sun without waking me up? That’s like right outside the bedroom window, and I would think that would take some hammering, unless he drilled the hooks in.

I told Tom that I hoped he wasn’t trying to cool the garage for upcoming projects, and he said he doubted it or else he’d just throw an AC in the window. I’m surprised he hasn’t already.

The new people are still behaving, but that could be because of the heat. It’s safe enough to say the people next to them won’t be a problem, but it’s still too soon to judge them.

Started the only diet that seems to work for me, once again, due to waking up at 154.8. That’s getting a bit high for me. Wish I knew the magic number I could safely diet down to without my meds backfiring on me, though if it were under 120 it wouldn’t matter. I’m more interested in not being so damn fat than I am in getting “skinny.” I’m probably a size 14. Well, I don’t need to be a size 3 again, but somewhere between 8-10 might be nice. It would give me a little more mobility.

I had a dream I was running across the street and opening a mailbox the size of a round Pringles potato chip can. In it was a tennis ball. I shut the “mailbox” door and raced back across the street. A young Hispanic man grinned at me lustily and I found it odd being a fit but aging fatty.

Then a delivery truck pulled up with only 1 of 3 (coloring books?) I ordered. Tom took the one that was handed to him and told the guy that we were expecting 3.

For some reason, I thought the guy might turn violent and I wanted to be prepared to try to fight if need be, so I slipped on a pair of long bright yellow pants that were skin tight and totally see-through.

But then the guy left and I told Tom that we better stop using “off-brand” delivery services and just stick to the well-known companies.

In the last dream, I was floating on this thick gross mossy “raft” on a pond somewhere. Something dangerous, though I don’t know what, lurked in the waters and I was afraid the makeshift raft would sink.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29, 2016 I was watching the 90s movie Flowers in the Attic. I’ve read the book and seen the movie but watched it anyway since it had been a long time. I thought of how the evil grandmother reminded me of Joan Bowe, a 5th-grade teacher in the elementary school I went to that I had a “crush” on, or whatever the proper word is for being just 10 years old at the time and therefore totally non-physical. I might have even been as young as 8 when I first saw her.

So out of curiosity I ran her name and found she JUST died last month. Wow. This is the first obit I ever saw that gave the cause of death – dementia and diabetes.

My mind then reflected on some 40-year-old memories. She hated me. She would never dare say as much, but looking back on it now, I’m sure she must have at least a little bit. In modern times she probably would’ve been quicker to catch on to why I was such an obnoxious kid and maybe even felt a bit sorry for me. But this was the 70s. Nobody felt sorry for kids that acted out due to their shitty upbringings. Your home life was private and you were expected to be “normal” in every sense of what the word meant back then. Yet I got on her nerves, acting out mostly for attention, and even called her a few times. Not to prank her, but just to talk, which eventually got back to my parents, of course. They ordered me never to call her again and I didn’t.

Mrs. Bowe was heavy but had a pleasant face and nice long dark hair. Interestingly enough, though, I never saw it down. She put it up every single day. Buns weren’t a big thing back then, so she sort of clipped it up with a large barrette. Never even wore it in a braid or a ponytail. Guess it wasn’t considered very professional back then.

I feel bad for the letter I sent her back in 2000 or so before the freeloaders really raked me over the coals. My main point was to point out what I just said; yes, I was obnoxious and I was sorry for that, but kids don’t usually behave in the way that I did without a damn good reason. One that’s no fault of their own. We’re responsible for our own actions as adults, but are we really as children? I don’t think kids are 100% responsible for their actions and behavior. Then again, sometimes not even adults are. If a man comes at me with a knife and I kill him for it, did they really leave me much choice?

It wasn’t pointing this out that I regret. I shouldn’t have mindfucked her while I was at it and said I dated her son just to shock and maybe piss her off. I never even met her son. The obit says he was married with 3 kids. I’ll bet she treated him similarly to how my mother treated my sibs and me. Mrs. Bowe was a very stern woman. No one really liked her.

The last time I saw her was at some teacher meeting at Williams Middle School. I was in grade 7 or 8. She was then around 40 and had cut her hair off.

In 1988 at age 49, she lost her 63-year-old husband. Damn, that’s a long time to be a widow!

RIP, Mrs. Bowe. You were a bitch, but a hard worker who probably had quite a bit of her own baggage to deal with.

I can’t stand to be on Facebook right now with all the daddy posts the girls are slamming on the feed. Ugh! I get it. I really do. I just don’t need the unwanted reminders/memories.

His obit said Lisa’s got a “life partner,” Michael Beebe. What happened to marrying Jasper?

Remembered that Aly could actually read my only public blog without me knowing it. I remembered last night that I tested and verified this for her not too long ago. She might not have been so quick to admit it but she always preferred to follow me on my-diary because I couldn’t track visitors there. Then she set things up so she’d appear invisible to my tracker when I dropped my-diary.

So much for me making Aly depressed based on the tweet I just read about how getting overlooked triggers her depression and how it’s hard being a newbie. A newbie where? shrugs Either way, I think she’ll always be depressed until she realizes that most of it comes from her, physiological or not, and stops blaming others for it. Yet she always does, sometimes directly, other times in a roundabout way. Sure, people can influence our moods; I just think she’s putting more of it on others when it should be on herself. But it’s her life, her moods, her choice. :)

LOL at her always having to repeat herself to Kim… as always. His fault or not, I hated having to do that with Andy.

Kim must’ve been really curious about Aly’s “real” and “happy” dream because she got her to elaborate even more on it. She said it was just her getting an email from me. How is it “unrealistic” to get an email from someone? Perhaps it’s because I don’t know her current email account. She changes accounts more than anyone I’ve ever known and I’ve always wondered why, too. Not judging, just curious.

Ask her what I said in that email, Kim. :)

I must be more psychic than Aly at least this time around because my ultrasound showed NO signs of plaque building up in my arteries – yay! It would explain why I had no nightmares warning me that trouble was amiss. If I have dreams warning me about others I would certainly get a heads-up if my own ass were on its way up Shit’s Creek. :) I was a little worried, though, cuz these people don’t usually call with good news.

So if the retrial is a bust I can tell the doc that I’m not only sick of the medicine drama and need a serious break from it, but I don’t have any plaque anyway!

The only negative is that we’re back to square one as to what’s making me dizzy. We’re still thinking it’s perimenopause-related. I had a nice week off, but it’s been bad again these last few days.

Tom may have a point when he suggests that my earaches could be allergies, which would also explain why it’s intermittent. I have no toothache on that side, and I do sometimes feel fluid draining in the very back of my throat that seems to come from that side. Afterward, my ear feels better. But why did it take nearly a decade after surgery to become an issue, and why does congestion make it ache? Damaged nerves from surgery? Inner ear tube issues? The problem is I can’t take decongestants just anytime I want to because they make me so drowsy. I don’t want to feel like napping when I go to work out or run out to the store. I just hope I feel good and well-rested for our vacation. Can’t wait!

I thought I might sleep shitty since I slept well the last time around, but I slept ok. Surprisingly, I only slept 6-7 hours the last two nights. Usually, I need 8-9 hours.

TUESDAY, JUNE 28, 2016 Happy birthday to Tom! Too bad he has to work today. He’s got 5 goals he hopes to accomplish by the time he hits his 60s next year. He wants to get to 200 pounds or less, get his blood sugar to 90, sell at least one computer program, do the floors we want to do, and get rid of those hideously ugly Cypress trees alongside the carport. Well, he won’t get rid of them, but whomever we hire to come and feed them to their wood chipper will.

The thought of him entering his 60s is a bit of a sad and scary thought to me, though I typically don’t consider one to be “old” until they’re over 65. Then again, I know it’s how the person feels and that age is just a number. Still, the 60s is a far cry from the 30s, which is where he was when we met. He was just about to turn 35 actually.

Later…

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a dead Bill G! I feel horrible for my nieces, but being the mean little shit he was to so many others, I can only say that I hope his suffering was immense and intense in the end.

I also hope Tom’s right in thinking that no, Tammy’s not still in love with him. I know we can’t help who we love, but I sure would wonder about her if there were still any lingering feelings other than for the girls’ sadness and at such a young age.

While the girls see him as their oh-so-wonderful daddy, I still see him as the guy that abused women and children and helped get me thrown in jail for daring to speak up about it. He never did a day in jail for his abuse, as he should have, while I did time for words on paper. God only knows what other people the freeloaders may’ve pissed off that sent things to them that were automatically assumed to be from me and therefore pinned on me.

Meanwhile, I slept really well (which means I’ll probably sleep shitty next time around), so if the dead can pick on the living, he hasn’t gotten to me yet.

Doc A’s office left a message at 5 o’clock asking that I call them back. I left the damn phone on the bathroom counter when they called and was in the living room. I know it’s pointless to worry about it now, but I couldn’t help but feel a stab of fear course through me. I also couldn’t help but remember Alison’s tweet about having a dream that scared her the day before my ultrasound. I know she was referring to me, but to the best of my knowledge, she has not been reading my blog at all.

If I’m up late enough I’ll have to call in the morning. If not, I wonder if maybe Tom should try to call and get information or not. I’m hoping that like he said they’re just calling to tell me everything’s okay, but that’s not the feeling I get, even though it doesn’t seem reasonable that they’d wait this long to contact me if something were wrong. It’s been almost 2 weeks since the ultrasound.

I’m having “normal” anxiety right now where I’m a bit shaky and feeling like I have to take a dump I can’t take. The kind I’d get in the hotel and trailer. My heart isn’t racing or pounding. Just slightly trembling hands and shaky breath, but I don’t feel like I’m suffocating. Just got a bad feeling. When are things ever that easy for me anyway? My ear’s been worse (especially laying down), I’m dizzy again, and well, something’s been determined to shit on my health these last 2 years, just like I feared it would if we got a nice place to live and were comfortable financially.

Oh, to go back to having my worst problems be getting rejected by someone I was interested in. Or wanting something I could never have. Or wanting to be something I could never be. I miss these so-called problems as opposed to worrying about my health and mind and how medication may affect it. I still worry about growing old, too.

If those who believe we’re not given more than we can handle are correct, then I’ve got to be “killed” with Tom or before he dies.

The reincarnation theory still makes no sense due to population fluctuations, and I think it’s still safe to say that the dead can’t influence the living. If they could, wouldn’t our loved ones influence more of us to win the lottery? And wouldn’t they help end or prevent our suffering? Think of a murder victim whose killer goes on to have a great life with all kinds of great things. Well, certainly they would see to it that they were miserable if they could, wouldn’t they?

But what I don’t know is whether or not there’s a God up there punishing me or why it would inflict me with so many issues if there is. Earaches and dizziness may not be as bad as kick-ass anxiety that leaves you feeling like you’re about to die, but it’s bad enough to make me wonder about things. Did I stab someone in the ear in a previous life if I had one? Or could it be that ant I stepped on in 1996 or something? I just wonder if I’m going to be forced to scramble to try to figure out one issue after another until I die. Yet so much of it remains shrouded in mystery. No ear doctor has ever helped my ear and no one’s ever told me why I’m dizzy. I can only guess it’s the perimenopause or my ear. I don’t think I have low BP or low blood sugar. I don’t think it’s anxiety either.

After thinking Aly wasn’t going to tweet today, she just tweeted that she’s back on iron shots. But is her blood cancer cured?

Also, I’ve been wondering if the dream Aly last tweeted about was positive or negative, and thanks to Kim, she answered that question. I can’t actually see Kim’s tweets as they’re protected, but it was obvious enough that she was asking about it just from Aly’s side of the conversation. Aly said it was “nice. Unrealistic but a happy dream.”

I love those kinds of dreams. I’ve had some pertaining to Nane, but most of the dreams I’ve had about Aly were either neutral or negative, to be honest. Would really love to know what that dream was that scared her because she too, has proven to have dream premonitions. She’s as intuitive as she is smart. Hoping that the fact that I myself haven’t had any questionable dreams is a good sign, though, but time will tell. As Tom, Tammy and Stacey always say… think positive and don’t worry about what isn’t actually happening yet, if it does at all.

Firecrackers sure are happening now, though. Sounds close too, like it could be in the park, but maybe not. Sound travels better at night. But why now? It’s not the 4th yet.

Anyway, a part of me feels guilty for following Aly’s tweets even though they’re public and technically anyone can see them. She’ll change accounts soon, though. She always does.

I don’t remember exactly when it was, but a while back I was the one to actually dump Aly. This was the first time I caught her being deceptive, though she promptly owned up to it, took total responsibility, and apologized. I quickly came to regret my decision to cut ties with her, realizing how much I’d miss her and how she has so much more good in her than bad, reached out to her, and we resumed our friendship. A part of me is hoping that she is or does eventually read this and does the same for me, but not expecting it.

I feel worse for how I handled her dumping me. I realize I shouldn’t have said and done some of the things I did, and while I’m truly sorry for it, I can’t go back and undo it either. Nothing’s changed… I miss her, I would take her back into my life even if I shouldn’t, but she has decided she’s totally sure she wants me out of it, so I’ll stay out and remember what others have told me… true friends are always there for us. Always. They may not always agree with us and they may voice their opinions at times, but they always love and accept us just the way we are.

They say that if we’re thinking of someone, they sense it and think of us too, if it’s someone we know. In other words, I can’t think of Kate Jackson and expect her to think of me in return or anything like that. Maybe I should make a point of thinking about Aly more. LOL, I’ve always wanted to “make” people dream of me. Only thing is that most of those people wouldn’t be happily skipping through a park with me or enjoying a nice chat with good food, know what I mean? I don’t want to chase Aly through a dark forest or toss her off a rooftop, but it’s nice (and kinda funny) for her to be reminded of my existence, the person she one day tossed aside.

Love reading about myself on the rare occasion I’m mentioned (that isn’t in an insulting way). I know it sounds funny as hell, but it’s almost like being in touch without still being in touch. I know I should let go completely and never ever look in on her, but it’s harmless and time will cause me to do just that anyway.

For now, I sometimes wonder if I should, well, not “fight” for her, but make one last-ditch effort to see if we can work things out and resume the friendship, but I feel I’ve been the one to play that role one too many times in life. I’d like to see someone fight for me for once. I just don’t want it to always be on me, you know? Yet the longer she stays away, the more I’m sure she really meant it when she said there was no going back.

As I’ve learned, never think anyone’s in your life to stay, cuz maybe they’re not. I wasn’t 100% sure that Aly and I would always be friends but I was in the 90s. They say, however, that in 7 years from now, we won’t have the same friends. Well, we were friends for 8 years, and I’m still friends with Christine, Adonis and Mitch, but many friends and acquaintances from 2009 are no longer in my life. Nothing bad necessarily happened with all of them; we just went our own ways.

Another thing I’ve learned is that cyber friends are just as “real” as face-to-face friends. They’re not just a name on a screen, but real people behind those names, avatars and profiles.

I’m still extremely hesitant to make any new friends, cyber or not. Yes, I miss getting to know different people from all over the world. But I don’t want the drama either. I may not be perfect myself, but I’ve been stalked, I’ve been lied to, and I’ve been hurt. I just need a break from any possible newbies/drama right now.

MONDAY, JUNE 27, 2016 Tonight I’m feeling a little dizzy and depressed. I still don’t get how I can miss someone who continually lied to me and then dumped me, but nothing lasts forever, right?

Death is on my mind again, probably because of the dying bastard back east. I’m thrilled that he’s dying. No one who can do the things he’s done deserves to live. I wonder, though… is he contemplating the afterlife? If he believes one exists, does he fear what lies beyond? Or does he believe he’s going to heaven to have one big happy eternal blast? Undoubtedly, he doesn’t believe he did anything wrong. Most abusers don’t.

Wherever he ends up, if there is an afterlife, I just hope he can’t have any influence on my “nowlife!” Many believe it takes a few months before the dead can affect the living, while others argue that they can do it right away because there is no such thing as time in the afterlife.

Anyway, I was thinking of Tom’s family. I miss having his family close by but still loathe how they gave up on us simply for having one too many rough times in life.

IDK, I just miss having local friends and family, but am also glad we don’t at the same time, if that makes any sense.

I REALLY miss the days when Tom was always home like he was during those 2.5 years, minus the Jes pest, his mutts and trailer, of course.

Later…

“Had such a real dream involving a former friend that I can’t help but wonder… There is no going back though.”

Last night I asked myself how I could miss someone who, as she herself admitted and apologized for, continually lied to me and then callously dumped me. When I read the second sentence of this rather interesting tweet, however, I realized there really is nothing to miss, is there? Yet I do. I miss checking in with her on Twitter, I miss her intelligence, and I miss swapping writing ideas with her.

I still don’t understand why I still feel hurt, and a little angry, over someone that clearly doesn’t give a shit about me and probably never truly did. Not if she could lie to me the way she did and make certain comments she never thought I’d see. So I asked myself…if you wouldn’t forgive certain people for what they’ve done to you, why her? The only answer I can come up with is that she didn’t screw me over nearly as much as some others have. There’s no comparison between what she did to me, as shitty as it is to be lied to by phony people, and what some others have done to me that cost me a world of emotional grief, freedom, money, lost sleep and a whole lot more. Seriously, it’s like comparing a little slap in the face to being viciously beaten over and over again with a bat. Well, Alison was that little slap in the face, though that slap still stings at times and I’d probably be dumb enough to talk to her if she contacted me.

I briefly considered and then changed my mind about contacting her because then she’d just do what she always does and deactivate her account and create a new one. She’ll no doubt do that soon enough anyway, but if I contacted her she’d do it even sooner. I like reading her tweets, though I can’t understand why. Maybe it’s because this is the most “honest” she’s been about me. If someone doesn’t think you’re reading them, then they tend to be more honest about what they’re really thinking of you. Believe me, Tammy would never write how awful I looked (unless she was pissed at me) any more than I would publically write, “Great to finally see my big sis as horrible as she looks.”

While I don’t think the blood cancer thing was one of her many lies, why no tweets about that and the chemo treatments, etc.?

She put a selfie on Twitter and Fitbit where she’s leaning a cheek on her fist. Great way to hide what’s no doubt a chubby face. She said Fitbit stretched it and made it look chubby. Maybe because she is? I’m not that active on Fitbit, but I’ve never known them to “stretch” pics, and the pic looks the same on Twitter. Seriously, I’ve seen pics of her from years ago and she was clearly heavy. Like as big as I am if not bigger. Yet I’ve never known her to describe herself as being fat and has said that obesity doesn’t run in her family. Could be in denial like Kim is about her own weight, but that’s their problem. I just write my observations and figure that if some can see themselves as fat when they’re not, maybe some see thinness where others see fat. At this moment I doubt she’s 150-152, which is my usual weight range these days. She’s probably between 120-130.

Good to know I’m haunting her dreams just like she’s haunted mine (LOL), though I haven’t had any of her recently. Would just LOVE to know the details of the dream, too. Maybe she’ll miss me a decade from now, read this and tell me.

I also have to wonder… Was I really that bad of a friend???

For dreams, I had very faint snippets of thinking I was hearing the voices of some guys that broke into our house, which didn’t look like our house, as usual, and something about taking a statin. I did it fearlessly, so it seemed, and I hope that’s a good sign. Really REALLY want that retrial to work!

SUNDAY, JUNE 26, 2016 Slept as horribly last night as I slept well 2 nights ago. After just a few hours of sleep, I woke up every other minute. So I took melatonin and lay there for quite a while before I finally returned to sleep.

Although the dizziness has been wonderfully minimal, I worry about it returning with a vengeance. It seems worse today, and as I learned years ago, few things are ever really quite gone forever. The past really does have a way of returning to haunt us.

Meanwhile, Bill’s in New England, not Florida. This I learned when Sarah & Becky posted that they’d flown up to him yesterday. So I guess the shitster’s days are numbered. I only wish it could have been me to kill him instead. Slowly. Very slowly. And painfully.

Those girls sure do spend a lot of time on Facebook despite the circumstances, and I’m sure Sarah will post another selfie that looks just like most of her others any time now.

Not passing judgment or anything, but I don’t get why some people pray for what can never be changed. You know, sort of like me praying to be tall. Some things just are, like it or not, and there isn’t really much we can do about it but accept it and try to make the best of it. Meanwhile, I guess it’s something for the believers to understand and me to wonder about, not that it really matters. They’re not harming anything. Harm is only done when we try to make others like us and force their minds and hearts to go places they just don’t want to go.

The AC had me worried yesterday. When I’m sleeping or doing something physical I set it to 76° and to 77° when I’m not. Well, when I saw the thermostat read 81° after setting it to 76°, I was really worried that something was broken and we’d have to go to a hotel. But Tom simply turned it off, waited a minute, then turned it back on. A few minutes later it was running just fine. Not sure what happened, but during the vacation we’ll have it checked out and given a Freon charge. Really don’t want to have to shell out 2 or 3 grand on a new unit right now when we’re still paying other things off. The heater crapping out would be one thing since we have portables, but there’s no substitute for the AC. Couldn’t help but think, though, that as much as a broken AC would suck, it sure beat feeling like I was having a heart attack and literally about to die.

The master bath’s drain plug pulled out of the sink. The metal stick in back that you pull up and down, I mean. Tom attempted to fix it but says he needs to do it when he has more time, like over the vacation. As I told him, it’s not necessary that I fill the sink to soak off nails. I can always pour soapy water into a Tupperware dish and do it there.

Played around with the sculpting clay last night and found I just couldn’t get into it like I hoped to and like I once could have. I can still sing, but for the most part, my artistic side has morphed into a technical side over the years. That’s ok, though. I enjoy writing, languages and tech stuff immensely.

In the middle of this dry 105-degree day, we decided to head out to Raley’s with the slow drivers and screaming brats. Well, we got hung up by our typical Cali creepers, but any kids we saw at the store were civilized.

Really wish they’d ban public smoking! Others may not give a shit about their lungs, but I care about mine. Go kill yourself at home, I say. But you know how our twisted laws are… feelings first, actual damage second. Secondhand smoke doesn’t “hurt my feelings” or offend me. It’s only bad for my body. rolls eyes I’ll probably never go to casinos again mostly due to that. Haven’t won much since our Vegas/Laughlin days anyway.

So we grabbed some things we needed at the store, and also another set of Impress nails in a bright pinkish-orange color with accents. For now, I’m giving my nails time to breathe. I treated them with that expensive hair, skin and nail oil I got on the ship that smells really nice, like suntan lotion. My cuticles are dry and my nails are a little beat up. It’s also nice to take a break so I can type easier and not snag them in my hair or catch them on objects.

Eating some oatmeal and Greek yogurt. Never seen this combination before so I had to try it. It’s edible but I doubt I’ll get it again.

What else… Got half of my book edited, Bob and Virginia returned yesterday, and the new people are quiet. The car stereos blasting down the freeway at night, well, that’s a whole ‘nother story. Again, I don’t get the twisted laws in this country. It’s not just allowing for a huge disturbance of the peace, but how the hell can they hear sirens over that shit?

Trying not to think of a certain person in NE who lied as easily as one breathes, then so callously dumped me, leaving me virtually friendless. Sorry, but it’s hard to consider people like Christine or Charlotte as the kind of friend I once considered Aly to be. Thought of befriending her through a bogus account, but it’s not worth the time or effort. I’d only be the same liar she is if I did that anyway.

I’m also trying not to think of the fact that the statin retrial is less than a week away. “What if I do ok, then have a problem when you go back to work?” I asked Tom, and he said that wouldn’t be the case, and that if I were going to have a problem it would happen within the first 2 or 3 days.

And he’d be the only one to believe me if I did. Decided I wouldn’t ask for an alternative if it does backfire on me. After 2 years of this on-and-off hell related to medication, I can only take so much more of this shit. I just can’t keep putting myself through this hell. Really hoping I can tolerate the medication, though!

A part of me wishes I could see Stacey every month for life since I feel so much better afterward, LOL, but I’ll probably be seeing her every 3-4 weeks for a while. Every 1-2 may be more ideal, but 3-4 suits my schedule better. Love that woman for how helpful she’s been!

Actually got horny and got off last night without the pounding heart. Get Tom in on the action? Nah. He hasn’t shown any interest in years, and what’s the point if I get a rare surge of horniness when he’s asleep? We’re getting older. I just thank God (figure of speech not meant to be literal) I don’t have the appetite I had when I was younger. I would never love him any less, but would probably have to hunt for a sex partner.

Last night I dreamed I visited Andy. He said something had worsened about his health and I said, “And I gained weight. Like 3 pounds.”

Then I called a hotel to make a reservation (not a bad sign, I hope), and the woman I spoke to said she tutored me back in school. So I guess the hotel was in MA. After hanging up from the woman I tried to recall who she may be, but couldn’t. It seemed like any tutors I could think of should be very old if not dead by now, and wondered how she knew who I was since I gave my married name.

In another dream, I was telling someone how good it felt to “hang” myself. That is in hanging from a bar by my hands.

In the last dream, I was in an indoor pool and someone was blowing a huge fan onto the water’s surface and I wasn’t too happy about it.

SATURDAY, JUNE 25, 2016 It may not be so hard to peel these nails off after all. One popped off after I showered and the others are loose. No sticky residue left behind like with the other nails.

Xfinity was across the street again, and so is the American flag. That reminds me…maybe I’ll put up my cute, colorful floral and kitty flags. I just get sick of the damn things wrapping around the pole, even though we got one of those things that is supposed to prevent that from happening.

They still have the “sale pending” sign up.

I slept surprisingly well and long, and I wonder if the ibuprofen I took before bed for an earache had anything to do with that. I doubt it, though.

Not doing much today. Yesterday was cardio day so today is strength training day. I will also make out the grocery list and continue proofreading and editing my last book.

Though no fault of her own, Tammy hasn’t exactly had positive news of her own to share for a while, and so I’m hoping that the surgeries they’ve done to help alleviate her chronic pain are helping her to have a more active life. She too, lives in a beautiful place and it would be nice if she could enjoy it more.

Apparently, Bill is in Rhode Island and not Florida because Becky and Sarah are flying there right now. No matter what, I will never forgive the guy. I will always see him as the abuser that he was, and the guy that helped get me sent to jail. In my eyes, he deserves any suffering he may experience.

Tomorrow Tom and I will enjoy his only day off this week, then he has to work a whole week, and then it’s vacation time!!!

Since using Squigle (no, that’s not a typo) Tooth Builder toothpaste I have noticed less sensitivity within my teeth as it closes up and repairs any cavities in my hopelessly soft enamel. No wonder Tom said someone said it was much better than Restore. It’s fantastic!

Last night’s dreams were strange and sexual in nature. I was getting on with Doc L, LOL. Then I was watching a news broadcast about a woman who was sent to prison and how people said she would now get what her infamous

FRIDAY, JUNE 24, 2016 I spoke with a neighbor today but not the new ones. It was Geri in the gray house across the street. She’s been here seven years. She said she just had a $2000 roof repair that the inspector missed when she had it inspected. Yes, inspectors like to miss things, don’t they?

We ended up chatting as I was pulling in the recycle bin, and I caught her out trimming bushes.

I still can’t get a handle on who moved into the new house, but there could be as many as three people living there. I’ve seen a couple in their 50s or 60s and I’ve also seen a very old man who walks with a cane. There might also be a younger guy who could be some kind of caretaker if not a family member that’s helping them get settled. I just can’t say for sure.

My biggest concern was loud vehicles and projects. It’s too soon to say whether or not anyone’s going to be obsessed with hammers and saws, but the good thing is that it does look like they’re a one-vehicle household, and their white SUV is quiet.

They were out and about until after 11 when a brown SUV that was a little loud left for the night. I’m glad that thing is not going to live there, even though there are louder vehicles like the car across from Bob and Virginia.

There was a work truck there around lunchtime, but it wasn’t there for long. They have a lot of stuff sitting in their carport. The white SUV has been sitting in front of the place for the afternoon.

It doesn’t look like they have any dogs, but it’s too soon to judge how they’re going to be. I never really had any bad vibes about them, but I’ve had more important things on my mind like the upcoming statin retrial, and dealing with how unbelievably shitty I sleep.

Fell asleep at about midnight and every time I would conk out I would wake back up. Finally, after two or three hours of doing that, I took a lorazepam and I did sleep a little better. Because I’ve gotten too used to the lorazepam, I won’t take it tonight. I’ll just let myself keep waking up and sleep shitty and be a little tired tomorrow. I don’t have any cleaning to do or anything physical other than working out on the Bowflex (today’s the treadmill). Tom will be working.

I worry about him because he has an abscessed tooth but won’t go to the dentist because of his phobia. He said he would get antibiotics if he got sick, but that his body is still young and healthy enough to fight infections. Let’s hope so! His wife has enough shit to deal with so we don’t need his health going down the drain or anything like that.

I dread my next trip to the dentist! Really afraid she’s going to come out and tell me I have several cavities, or worse, teeth that need to be crowned. Either way, I am trying not to think of my health until I am actually faced with certain issues.

Dropped the cap to my lip balm under my desk and I can’t find it at all. One of our future rats will no doubt drag it out being the kleptos that they are.

Got some mushroom ravioli at Raley’s and it is so damn good!

Later…

Today’s one of those days where I feel the exact opposite about Aly than I felt a couple of days ago. Despite my own faults, she bullshitted me like crazy, and I don’t miss that or all the hypochondriac drama, or the crazy nutjobs connected to her that would latch onto me. I’ll probably go back and forth in my mind for some time to come, however.

I like to at least check her tweets every now and then to see what’s up with her. That way I feel like there’s still some sort of connection, but without the toxic drama.

My nails still look amazing and like they were just done. I want to switch out to something new but I never want to take these off either. I used to think people paid a lot of money to have these designer nails done in salons, and they did, but now that I know you can stick them on in seconds for a fraction of the cost, I will definitely be looking for more. It’s a little more expensive than regular nail polish as what you pay for a set of these is around the same as you’d pay for a bottle of nail polish that you can use multiple times. I still think it’s worth the extra cost. I love how they never chip and always look perfect. Still find it hard to type with the longer ones, and I don’t like catching them in my hair, but they’re pretty awesome. No more ridges either. :-)

The box these Impress nails came in says it’s not recommended you wear them for more than seven days. I wonder why.

They also say that to remove them just gently peel from the sides or use polish remover. I can’t believe it’s possible to just peel these things off!

Two cars came to visit the new people, and at one point at least half a dozen people were chatting in the street, one of them going by on a golf cart. They weren’t that loud, and again I’m so glad we couldn’t end up with welfare bums, college kids or large families to deal with so close to us! I do NOT miss those days.

Still too soon to say exactly how many people live there and how they’re going to be as neighbors until they’re settled in, but my guess is that it’s a couple living there (the old man I saw might also live there) and that their only vehicle is the white SUV.

I’m loving that I’m 100% anxiety and pain-free, but dreading the eventual return of these things that can’t seem to stay out of my life forever. I don’t expect to never experience pain again, of course, but it would be nice if I didn’t have to have any serious anxiety. It’ll come back, though, at some point. It always does. After two years of dealing with it on and off, I can’t expect it to go away forever.

THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 2016 It was actually Kim who mentioned Auburn, so I saw after I reread the tweets. But at least Aly didn’t correct her and tell her my real town, even if it would have been harmless.

It seems like Kim has stopped checking up on me, so for the millionth time, I deactivated my old Twitter account, and this time it’s probably for good.

A huge moving truck showed up about an hour ago, but I still can’t see any people or tell who’s moving in. I did see a white woman exchange greetings with a black woman who was visiting next door to them, but I don’t know if the white woman is going to be living there or not. She asked the black woman if she was living there and all I heard was, “No, I…” and then blackie took off.

There is also a large pickup parked in front of the gray house in front with tons of boxes in it, but I don’t know if that’s connected or not. I’m guessing whoever they are must have decent money to be able to hire movers, and such a large truck, too. I’m hoping they work and therefore don’t have the time to move themselves, but I agree with Tom, they’re probably retired and can’t move themselves easily enough. As able-bodied as Bob is, I can’t picture him and Virginia moving themselves. I know we couldn’t get lucky enough to get working neighbors, so yes, I’m sure that they’re retired, whoever they are.

I still have a lot to worry about… loud vehicles, motorcycles, too much company, screaming kids visiting, cars blasting stereos visiting, mutts left to bark outside windows and doors, and most of all… projects. Tom suggested that since they hired movers they might be too old for projects. Not necessarily. Bob’s 86 and he can handle power tools just fine.

I just find it hard to be optimistic with my track record for neighbors, Retirement community or not. I’m just so glad we’re in a retirement community, though, where the chance of trouble (or at least as much trouble) is lower. It would also be easier to do something about it if the problem was serious enough. I would hope so, anyway. Another thing is that the chances of them being black or Muslim aren’t good. God, I hope that’s not what we’re in for! Honestly, though, I’d rather quiet Muzzies than rowdy whites. But with them, I’d still have to worry about being killed whereas blacks are just rude and tend to be more trouble.

Yesterday there was a pickup and an SUV over there, but I think those were workers of some kind. Xfinity was there this morning.

I could probably escape most of any noise they made by going into the bedroom, but they could really make hanging out in the living room in the daytime pretty annoying.

As for Bob and Virginia, they definitely took off somewhere. If one of them were in the hospital, then the other one would be driving in and out to see them. I’m just a little surprised they didn’t tell us they were taking off, but due to the heat and how I feel at times, I haven’t been out and about as much. Therefore I’m not running into them as much.

That car that came early in the morning probably took them to the airport, and I would bet their SUV is in their garage, which has been closed up. The last time they went on vacation a year and a half ago, their son and English daughter-in-law stayed at their place. They were quiet but left their really bright garage light on all the time.

The Egyptian cotton sheets are luxuriously smooth and comfy. I should have gotten two sets of those instead of one of those and one flannel.

If it weren’t for difficulty typing because these nails are longer, I would definitely vote Impress nails as the #1 artificial nails I’ve tried so far. They’re easier to apply and they don’t snag my hair as much.

The light on the toilet is on once again, but everything still seems to be working fine.

Two days ago I had a headache and I did the tapping routine twice and it actually went away! I didn’t need to take ibuprofen or anything.

Today I woke up both tired and dizzy because I didn’t sleep well. I fell asleep earlier than I thought I would, but as usual, I woke up a million times along the way. So I tapped for dizziness and fatigue, and I actually perked up! It’s just amazing. I was able to finish the rest of the cleaning, but like yesterday, I didn’t work out. I’ll make sure I do tomorrow.

Tom is working this Saturday, but I’m okay with it. As long as he’s at this job, he’s never going to work just 40 hours a week. That’s simply not part of this job. I’m just glad it’s a European company so he gets more time off, especially with all the damn appointments I have.

I had a dream I met this skinny woman and was shocked to learn she had Hashimoto’s and was on levothyroxine. I asked if she could eat all she wanted and she said no.

In another dream, I was (visiting? Living?) with Andy. He was whining and bitching at me from two rooms away. I put some bags that contained his laundry just outside the room I was in which was between my room and the room he was in and said, “I put your stuff in the corner here.”

He came into the room and said he didn’t hear me, and I said, “Sorry, I can’t hear people when they talk to me from other rooms either,” hoping he’d think he wasted his breath complaining about whatever it was about me that was irritating him.

Then I went back to folding more laundry on my bed and seemed to fold some of Tom’s shirts.

Then I had some dream about Tom wishing he could show me to his co-workers so they could see that at my age, no, I wasn’t beautiful, but I was ok, LOL.

In the last dream, the roof was leaking, but it didn’t make any sense because it was leaking in front of the refrigerator and over the part of the counter where I color.

Last night Aly tweeted: I always hate that I feel so awkward and hesitant around those who have an obvious disability.

But she has no problem around those who are fucked in the head? For once Kim told the truth on one of her accounts. In one where her handle is “paranoid ghost,” her bio says: I am a Paranoid Ghost. I get paranoid all the time and also I can be delusional at times. Mess with me and you will face the consequences.

This is the only time I’ve ever known her to be honest and tell it like it is. So Aly feels perfectly comfortable around the delusional?

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2016 I admit it. I still miss her. I know I shouldn’t and that it’s pointless, but I do. Maybe the dreams I had about her last night are the reason she’s on my mind so much today. They weren’t bad dreams, but she’s been showing up in my dreams more often since she let me go. I wish I could say I was 100% totally over her, but I still have mixed emotions about our friendship ending, and sometimes it still hurts.

I admit that I was the one who dumped Andy and I shouldn’t have said otherwise. I don’t miss him, Paula, Nane, Maliheh or Mary, though I will always remember and wonder about them from time to time.

I wish I could put Aly, however, completely in the past just like she did with me. I guess it’s not that easy when you were friends with someone for eight years regardless of how dishonest they were to you along the way. We had as much in common as we had our differences. I never minded our differences, though. I didn’t care that she was more accepting of Muslims. I didn’t care that she preferred colder weather while I prefer warmer weather. I didn’t care that she preferred short hair while I prefer long hair. But being similar mattered to her and she chose to cut ties on account of that and my bluntness, and I have no choice but to respect her wishes. We can’t make people want to be in our lives. I get that. She wanted me gone from her life and so I’m gone, like it or not.

I don’t expect her to ever contact me, but if she did I know I wouldn’t do what I should do. No, instead I would be glad to talk with her. I would take her back into my life in a heartbeat, even though it would be against my better judgment and I would probably end up regretting it. I would have to be a lot more cautious than I ever was before because, as she herself admitted and apologized for, she wasn’t always honest and she probably still isn’t.

She hated my bluntness and honesty, so if she were suddenly back in my life I would have to make sure I wasn’t as quick to express my opinion and say things I was pretty sure she didn’t want to hear about whoever and whatever. Not sure I would like that kind of arrangement, but sometimes you just have to compromise. She was just more sensitive than I realized.

Like I said, I don’t expect to hear from her ever again, but I sure do miss her at times. I really do. Today’s one of those days where I would have gladly texted with her which I know is something she always loved to do. Maybe she’s sick of that sort of thing by now, but today would have been a good day for that for a few reasons.

So yeah, even though it’s probably best that I never do, I would really love to hear from her, even if my logical side knows that you don’t dump people you truly, honestly care about and accept as they are. Anyone I myself have ever dumped in the past; it was because there was something about their behavior or personality I simply couldn’t accept or tolerate. If I could have, they’d still be in my life unless they chose to cut ties with me.

I keep thinking of her tweets. She’s been up to the usual kinds of things for the most part, but there were a couple of tweets that grabbed my attention. One was surprising and the other was a bit chilling.

Like me, Aly has been known to have dream premonitions. The one that was a little scary was how she mentioned having a dream that had her scared for someone she shouldn’t be. Why do I get the feeling she was talking about me? If she was, the thing that was a little unnerving was that this was the day before my ultrasound. However, I didn’t have any bad dreams warning of impending danger, and no one ever called about the test results. They haven’t even been posted online.

The surprising tweet was when she said she was thinking about a former friend and wondering how she was doing, but wonder was all she would do. Pretty sure that one was in regard to me. So she’s been thinking about me, too. Wow. Well, if that’s the case and she was scared for me (assuming I was the one she was talking about) then that goes to show that a part of her still cares just like a part of me still cares about her. No, I didn’t like the lies and clinginess, but I liked everything else and I miss her at times. Just those little things like doing CampNano together and things like that. A part of me wishes we could be friends again with me assuring her I’d keep more of my opinions to myself, and her promising to just not say anything at all rather than bullshit me, but life will go on and I will survive.

Speaking of camp, I have 11 cabin mates in the cabin I have been assigned to. So I guess I’m going to camp in July. :) Until then I will be editing the book I just finished.

In observing her tweets with Kim, I appreciated that she still refers to me as being in Auburn and hasn’t told Kim my real town, not that it should matter. Kim’s obsessed with two things (besides lying), celebrities and weather. So they discussed the weather, and my old town came up when they were discussing the heat most of the West is experiencing.

Later…

Tom checked Social Security and we’d really be hurting if he retired at 62 with just a grand a month. We could barely live on that in the $300 studio they had in the Klam, which is probably now going for $500 and will be over a grand by the time we’re old.

Still sleeping shitty. I’m tired all day yet up forever. Lorazepam doesn’t cut it for me anymore. It doesn’t knock me out like it used to, nor does it prevent me from waking up so much. So I guess I’ve gotten too used to it and can forget the stuff for a while.

We’re trying to decide if we want to go anywhere during vacation that’s just a couple of hours away like Reno, Lake Tahoe or San Francisco. The thing is that I’ve pretty much been all over the country as well as to other countries. So while I’d love to live in Maui during the winters, traveling just doesn’t excite me like it once did. I won’t rule it out completely, though. We have plenty of time to decide.

Although I’m still a little lightheaded at times (especially if I’m active), I’ve been free of pain and anxiety lately, so that’s good. Still feel like a first-class wimp for how I handled certain things, even though I know I shouldn’t. We all handle things differently, as Stacey and others have reminded me, and it’s pointless to play the comparison game. If you want to compare a sore throat to someone paralyzed from the waist down… ok, I can see that. But hardships are hardships. Some things I handle better than others, some things I don’t, and I know that’s ok. I’m human just like anyone else. All I can do is my best. I try to think positively, be optimistic, and focus on the good. If I could’ve been less impacted by certain events, I would’ve been. I didn’t actively choose some things to get to me as much as they did, but I’ll just leave it at that. :)

Love these artificial designer nails, but I hate snagging them in my hair. I think I’ve pulled out more hairs with these than what fell out when my thyroid crashed.

Just got the leggings with the colorful candies printed all over them and while I love those too, I couldn’t get into these things if I were still 100 pounds. :( So, gotta return them.

Also got our new light blue 600-TC Egyptian cotton sheets. They feel nice to the touch, but I’m not sure how well they’ll stay put despite their deep pockets. I think they’d fit a queen better. So far only flannel and jersey sheets stay put best. The only problem with jersey is that they shrink like crazy.

The light on the toilet finally went out. Still don’t know why it got stuck on in the first place, but it made a nice nightlight.

Something’s definitely amiss next door. I just don’t know what. Pretty sure someone was there this morning, though. When you’re a homebody you see things and you get to know the normal routines of your neighbors. Well, they always have their garage door open in the daytime unless it’s cold or raining. Always. And they always make 3-4 trips in and out each day. Both today and yesterday the door has been shut and I haven’t seen anyone come or go.

They’ve been quiet since September, and as selfish as this may sound, I really hope nothing happened to one of them, or else the other will move. I don’t want to deal with any more newbies. As it is I’m still worried about what we’re in for on the other side of us. The carpet was cleaned this morning, and I saw what I’m pretty sure was the realtor and some workers over there for a little while.

TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2016 Physical and emotional report first: No anxiety. Slept shitty, but got a lot done, including cleaning and exercising. Started off mildly lightheaded, but after 5 hours it intensified (not to the point that it got scary and I felt all weak in the legs or anything like that) and I also became more fatigued.

Stacey told me that I should not only tap every day for anxiety, but that some people do it for pain, too. So I tried it and it worked on my headache! Yeah, I had one of those intermittent, “moving” headaches, but after two rounds of tapping it diminished. I just wish the dizziness wouldn’t be an everyday thing, even when it’s mild. God, I miss more and more aspects of the old me the older I get!

YES! My book Shane is finished! It’s not quite a short story and it’s not quite a novel. More like a novella. Next comes the boring part… editing the 16011-word story. It’s 19 chapters, including the epilogue, and 50 pages long at point 12 Cambria font.

I wonder if something bad happened to either Bob or Virginia because, at just 5am, I saw a car pull out after I heard a series of door slams. I had just gotten up and was like, you’re kidding me. It’s 5am and the traffic and door slamming has already begun? I first wondered if they were going on vacation, but realized they probably would have told us, as well as the fact that they usually go in the winter (except for last winter). At least one of them was home by 8 o’clock.

I was browsing some YouTube videos on EMDR therapy sessions, and wow. The brain really is a fascinating thing. We may not know everything there is to know about it, but what we do know is pretty amazing. The technique seems pretty straightforward. The client is told to focus on their most disturbing memory while they follow the therapist’s hand movements with their eyes, and the therapist may also tap alternately on each forearm. Our memories basically get filed into little folders, and sometimes a traumatic memory doesn’t quite get filed away in the proper folder and gets “stuck” on one side of the brain instead of on both sides where memories are supposed to be stored. You have your artistic side of the brain and your intelligent side of the brain, with memories being stored on both sides. This technique files the traumatic event on both sides thus disallowing the memory to have such an impact on a person so they can cope with things easier. So I guess that when “smile,” “think positive,” and “don’t dwell on old shit” doesn’t quite cut it, then it’s EMDR to the rescue.

Aly has been haunting my dreams lately. I don’t remember the particulars but there were two different dreams. In one she didn’t look like herself and was considerably bigger than me, even though I knew it was her.

In another dream, she commented and “liked” something of mine on some site (I don’t know which) and so did Kim. I was delighted that they had reached out to me in a kind way and I looked for something on their pages to “like” in return.

In real life, a part of me misses Aly. Why, though? Why? She was nothing but a phony liar. Yes, I was overly brash, blunt and brutally honest with her. Some people just don’t want to know what you’re thinking if it’s not something they’re going to like or agree with, and she was one of them. But that’s just the thing; I was honest with her while she bullshitted me left and right. Having learned my lesson on how forgiving people often backfires, I hope I will be smart enough to ignore her if she ever contacts me, and the same goes for Andy and anyone else in my past.

Now that I have this sculpting clay and all these tools here, I may as well go YouTube hunting for demonstrations on what the tools are best used for.

Later…

So I go through one of Kim’s fan sites out of curiosity (never contacting either one of them), and find Aly’s latest and obvious account. IDK, I guess the dream has caused her to be on my mind. Although I know it’s silly, pointless, stupid, immature and all things negative, I still miss the little liar at times and a part of me wishes she’d contact me, knowing I’d be dumb enough to accept her back into my life, if only with a lot more caution on my part (I doubt she’d ever contact me, though).

Yes, she’s clingy, she puts guilt trips on you if you don’t practically smother her, and yes, she’s a true liar at heart with poor taste in friends and no ability to handle the truth from others if it’s not what she likes/agrees with. But she was smart and we had some good talks.

I went through her 120 tweets, both to see what was up and to see if I was mentioned. Well, when I saw “Had a couple of strange dreams overnight. One that has me fearing for someone I shouldn’t be” posted on the 15th, I wondered if she was referring to me.

This tweet, however, was obvious. “Sometimes I think about a former friend. Wonder what she’s up to. But wondering is all I’ll do.”

So as cold as she was by dumping me, she’s thinking of me, too.

I KNOW her and I KNOW some of the tweets about being misunderstood and feeling ignored were aimed at Kim. She would always tell me how selfish Kim seemed and how much she lacked empathy. Part of me has been hoping Kim would dump her to give her a taste of her own medicine. Kim is the only “real” friend she has left. But Kim doesn’t tell her the truth, something Aly can’t deal with, so Aly wouldn’t dump her, though you never know with Kim. As soon as I called Kim out on the “anonymous” insults on Ask, I got dumped. If Aly ever gets fed up enough with the lies and phoniness, Kim will dump her too.

Then there’s the usual, “Don’t want to bring anyone down so I’ll suffer in silence” shit that really means she wants attention or else she wouldn’t have publicly tweeted such a statement.

Again, I still have mixed emotions concerning her as much as I wish I could say I was 100% totally over her. Someday, though. It’s only been a few months.

MONDAY, JUNE 20, 2016 Bombed the house on this hot, dry day and saw Stacey during the two hours we had to be out of the house. Well, we only saw her for an hour or so, but it took a half-hour to get to Rocklin, and then we stopped at a drive-thru.

Stacey’s going to be doing EMDR therapy on me beginning on July 7th, which can take up to 8 sessions. When today’s session started I updated her on what’s been going on since I last saw her in January. I told her about the heatstroke on vacation, the lightheadedness I’ve been experiencing since April, the attempt to go back on statins, plans for a retrial, the anxiety that’s returned, etc. I haven’t, however, had much anxiety for a few days now. It’s only when the lightheadedness gets real bad that I start getting anxious, and then eventually depressed.

I’m just panicking too often lately. All I do is worry. I suffer or I worry that I’m going to suffer, and this is no way to live. I’m just tired of feeling like a first-class “mental case,” as I told Tom. Tom, who seems totally unbreakable. He assures me, though, that anyone can be traumatized, even him. I hope to hell he never is, but if God forbid he ever is, I’m sure he’d handle it a lot better than I’ve handled my own trauma. I feel like a wimp, even though I know I shouldn’t.

So Stacey wants to see how I do with EMDR sessions; to help lessen the negative effects of two years ago. I still would’ve had the perimenopause symptoms, for example, but she suspects that because my brain may not have processed the event, it has led me to have more anxiety than I might have otherwise had over the last two years, making even ordinary things harder to cope with. I don’t know much about it yet. She said something about blinking and tapping to process the memory on both sides of the brain. You use one half of the brain for creativity and the other half for things like processing math problems and stuff like that. Memories, however, are typically processed on both sides of the brain. My memory of that traumatic day is apparently stuck on just one side. This is a technique that’s been used on those in combat as well as others suffering PTSD after experiencing something traumatic.

So telling myself to just “smile” and “think positive” isn’t always cutting it for me. Believe me, I’d love to be able to relax and do just that and live with less fear, worries and anxiety. But it hasn’t been that simple. EMDR will hopefully turn 7/9/14 into what it is… just a memory, instead of something that negatively impacts much of my life. Too bad brains don’t come with delete buttons! Life would be so much simpler that way.

As I told her, I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what I believe. Is there something up there punishing me? Something about this house? Or is it just random? Tom and Stacey think it’s just random, and I guess they’re probably right. If we all lived the same lives with the same experiences, that would suggest some sense of order, but since some people have better lives than I’ve had while others have worse, it suggests randomness.

Jackie (across the street) moved today and my fingers are crossed that we’re in for people as quiet and as respectful as the women that recently moved in next to them. Really, REALLY hope they don’t have a motorcycle, are company junkies or are obsessed with doing all kinds of outdoor projects! Time will tell. I’m definitely not as worried as I would be if we weren’t in a retirement community. Fido isn’t going to be outdoors 24/7 and barking up a storm every time they go out so that much is good. Sure wish this could be my biggest concern right now. Yeah, some of my old problems, like worrying about neighbors, really seem like nothing nowadays.

For now… goodbye Jackie and good luck. We never met, but you were a good neighbor who was only “noisy” when you had workers clean up the water damage caused by your old hot water tank.

Was thinking of deactivating my Google+ account since I never use it, but haven’t decided. I just have no use for it and it’s a rather annoying and complicated thing to use anyway. My Blogger entries auto-post there, but that’s not necessary.

Ordered some stuff on Amazon, including toothpaste like Restore (which they no longer sell) that’s supposed to help close up cavities. Restore was great. I never should’ve stopped using it, but we were pretty broke back when I was first told about it. It was even better than what the dentist gives me and it’s a bit cheaper, too. It’s called Squigle Tooth Builder and it has great reviews.

I also decided to bring back a little of my old artistic side that went dormant the more technical I became over the years. I was into singing, musical instruments, dancing, painting, and drawing before I got hot and heavy into computers, writing and languages. I’ve always been into writing and languages; just not like I have been since the 90s. So I got some sculpting clay and tools.

Got a couple of cute pairs of leggings too, though I don’t know if they’ll fit. If they don’t, I can always return them. One is pink shiny “mermaid scales.” The other has jellybeans printed on them.

I also got a set of light blue Egyptian cotton sheets. I’ve heard good things about those types of sheets and always wanted to try them. So we’ll have that, plus the plum flannel sheets I just got. Anything but that thin crappy microfiber, and jersey material that shrinks like crazy.

Was thinking of going in for CampNano in July but I don’t know that I can focus on that right now. The book I’ve been working on since April probably would’ve been done by now if I didn’t have so much going on, so I don’t know that I’ll even finish that. It’s too bad too, because the story was coming along well.

The light on my toilet, even after changing the batteries, is staying on and we can’t figure out why. It still flushes, though. Tom emailed American Standard and asked why.

SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2016 Starting this entry off with my glittery rainbow nails. This is by a brand called Diva and is also for little girls or those of us who are all grown up with little girlie-size nails. They were just as simple to stick on and they hold on well. This rainbow is in soft pastel shades of lime, lemon, pink and sky blue. I absolutely LOVE these things. I just have to remember not to rake my fingers through my hair or else the hairs will snag on the backs of the nails.

Went to Walgreens this morning and got the rainbow nails, along with another colorful set of theirs, plus a set from a brand called Impress. This set doesn’t all look the same. It has some plain turquoise nails, some white nails with zigzags of turquoise and gold glitter, and some with just gold glitter. Plus I still have the rainbow zebra set by Little Fingr’s.

I also grabbed a pair of black leggings that finally fit great and I love the super soft material. Gonna run out later while I’m still feeling good for a couple more pairs.

So glad I have been working out like I have as I have this little black spaghetti-strapped dress that was a bit snug in the waist. Well, not anymore, thanks to my dedicated efforts! Planking just 20 seconds a day really goes a long way. Plus I have my cardio and strength training. As for yoga… forget it. I tried and tried but just can’t get into it. It’s just not me.

Anyway, this is the best I’ve felt in a while as short-lived as I know it’s going to be. I felt like utter shit for most of yesterday and the morning started off shitty, too. So much so that I became depressed. They kinda go hand in hand, you know? If you feel like shit physically, you feel like shit mentally.

When I first woke up, I just did NOT want to get up and face the dizziness. But sure enough, not only were the dizzies on, but so was the headache. What is it with all these headaches lately? Tom asked if I was still taking my allergy spray. Yeah, I started back up on it cuz I was getting a little sneezy.

I moved slowly around Walgreens and noticed I began to feel better. Then when we got home, before the bastards could turn our water off again like they did yesterday, Tom dyed my hair. He did a great job. My hair looks the best it’s looked in ages. I’m a brunette again with a hint of deep red. It’s medium golden brown foaming dye by John Frieda.

Later…

Signing in again 98% dizzy-free! I love it! Sadly, though, I can’t believe I’ll stay this way for long. Not gonna work out till the end of my day in case that brings on the dizzies.

The only thing pointing away from our peri theory is how Charlotte said she went through the same thing for a year and never knew why. Well, she certainly wasn’t going through perimenopause. She’s only in her 20s.

Ran back out to Walgreens. By then there were more people, including the standard screaming brat. But I got a couple more pairs of those awesome leggings! They’re all size L-XXL and fit great. So now I have black, pinkish-orange, and mint green.

Last night I dreamed I was staying with Aly. Ugh. How many more years am I going to dream of that liar? The “friend” I could use through all this turmoil when Tom’s not around. She may’ve been clingy and she may’ve put guilt trips on me, but at least she never got fed up with my drama as Tammy seems to have despite rarely having any positive news of her own to report. But hey, that’s why I keep the blog she reads generic.

Anyway, in the dream, Aly was working graves. I sat on a chair in a small room waiting for her to return. I guess I couldn’t go to bed till she got in, or something. I had no lights on in the room and seemed to be the only one in the house. Moonlight or the streetlight shone through a glass door. Finally, I realized it was pointless to just sit there in the chair doing nothing, so I got up intending to color or do some word find puzzles.

I went into a bedroom (a guest room? Her room?) to get what I needed, but couldn’t find a light switch in the dark. My hand ran along the walls only to find no switches of any kind. Finally, I pulled a string in the center of the room with a red feather at the end of it, but that only turned on the ceiling fan. I figured that was ok since I tend to overheat in my sleep.

Then a large orange cat jumped up onto the bed and started swatting at the feather. I tried to discourage it, not wanting it to damage anything, but gave up after a few useless minutes of trying.

SATURDAY, JUNE 18, 2016 Up and ready for another day in dizzy mode, though I expect less anxiety since Tom will be home. No calls about the ultrasound. So everything’s ok? That would be my guess.

Anyway, I felt like such shit in the early morning hours yesterday that it was almost scary. I called Tom once. It eased up as the day progressed. Trying not to think of how many years this may go on and just learn to accept that I just have to live with it, just like I had to learn to live with regular ear pain.

Last night was the first night I slept without lorazepam so we’ll see how long I can go without it. I’ll probably take it the night before I see Stacey, though, so I have a better chance of being well-rested.

Twitter stopped playing their locking games once I got on them about it.

The dream about the old lady in Texas did mean something, as expected. She had an attack that screwed up her vision even more. She can’t even read. She has her daughter do it for her, but she’s out of the country right now, and some volunteer was helping her that got into her account and apparently did some things she wasn’t too thrilled with.

Decided to switch back to a non-electric toothbrush. I realized that the bulk of my cavity issues began when I went electric in the late 90s. Well, if I’ve got soft enamel, wouldn’t it make sense that electric toothbrushes would wear down the enamel easier? Guess we’ll find out soon enough. I know I’ve got something going on in front, though, near where my crown is.

I had a dream Tom and I were on a ship and he wanted to go watch a circus that was performing in the ship’s “auditorium.” Tired and not feeling well, I told him to go on ahead by himself and I went back to our stateroom.

But then it seemed like that room became where we lived. Nice soft recessed lighting was overhead, and I thought how most modern places had speakers in the ceilings as I listened to whatever was playing at the moment. I was also trying to fix something but I’m not sure what it was.

FRIDAY, JUNE 17, 2016 I feel like such shit that I have to do this entry from bed. The persistent dizziness is interfering more and more with my daily life and I can no longer enjoy the things I normally do nearly as much as I used to. I get up, I have a few good hours, and then I spend the rest of my day dizzy. I’m going to have to decide… do I want to live my life in a dizzy state, or do I want to just end it all? Honestly, I don’t think I can stand this much longer. I feel so sickly and unhealthy for someone who is supposedly not, and I really feel like never before that I’m never going to get better. First it was anxiety making me panic and feel like shit and now it’s the dizziness making me panic and feel like shit.

The tapping still helps but not as much as it used to. I feel just awful. I’m constantly dizzy, my legs feel weak, my hands feel jittery, I feel warm, I feel cold, I feel downright SHITTY. I can’t even finish my book, and I don’t know that I’ll be up for CampNano, even at just 10K words. It’s really affecting my ability to live my life and to do things. I want to take up sculpting and get some clay and supplies, but like I’d have the energy or feel well enough to concentrate on that?

The night before last I got up at around 11 p.m. and I felt like shit pretty much until after I met with the vas tech for my carotid ultrasound. I had quite a “bipolar” day. Crying one minute, perky the next. The good thing is that he did say that he didn’t see anything for my doctor to get too excited over, though he could not discuss the particulars with me. What I’m not sure is good is the fact that they called in the evening. I was already asleep.

I asked the guy if nothing bad turned up with the ultrasound, would that mean the dizziness was nothing dangerous. He said not necessarily, but that the ultrasound was a big thing.

I went to bed at around 2 p.m. and at 8 p.m. there was a power failure that lasted for about 20 minutes at which time I got up and took couple of ibuprofen for my ear, which isn’t aching today for the first time in days. I was really hoping that oiling it daily would reduce the dizziness, but we’re both still thinking it’s perimenopause-related. The question is how many months, or years, am I going to have to suffer??? And when this is finally resolved, what will my next problem be? I have done nothing but suffer for the last two years and I’m so sick of it that I’m thinking more and more of ending it all. I just want my life back, just like that woman said in her post, and if I can’t have it back then what’s the point of living? I can hardly do anything anymore. I can, but it’s a struggle and I have to take constant breaks and I have to improvise some things. It’s very frustrating and scary. Do other women really have it THIS bad? I wonder. Or could there be something up there punishing me for who knows what? Due to the fact that I have one long-term problem after another, I have always wondered and if I’m destined to always live like this; suffering one thing after another. One thing I have learned is that the medical stuff is always the worst. How I miss the days when achy teeth and ears were my worst problems along with restless/noisy neighbors.

Bob’s been working around his place the last couple of days, though he hasn’t been noisy. Still, it’s not fair! Here’s this 86-year-old guy with endless energy while I sit in here dizzy, fatigued, depressed, anxious, worried and feeling totally helpless and hopeless. It’s with envy that I saw someone jogging by. I want to go out walking. I want to Bowflex. I want to focus on my story, but it’s a struggle just to bitch and whine in my journal as it is. Tom says there’s nothing dangerous going on with me and that I’m going to get better, but when? When????

I also feel like I have to take a dump a lot when I don’t have to. I realize part of these symptoms is anxiety. Maybe that means the statins didn’t do anything to me after all, though that 135 beat down makes me wonder.

I really hope Stacy has more tricks up her sleeve, because I don’t know that Doc A is going to do much for me. It’s like she doesn’t believe me. I think she thinks all my anxiety is just my phobia of medication. In that case, I’m not going to get her to help me and I might have to see someone else. But will they believe me? Sometimes I wonder if anybody can help me.

When we returned yesterday I actually perked up and had more energy and felt better emotionally even though there was still an underlying sense of dizziness. It just wasn’t as intense. But now it sure is.

The weather has been unusually cold. Yesterday morning was the first time we had to run the heat in the month of June to take the chill out.

Anyway, the ultrasound didn’t take long. What I saw on the monitor made no sense to me, though after looking up a video on YouTube, I learned some things. It made these weird sounds at times like PSHOO! PSHOO! PSHOO!

After we left the building we went to Raley’s where we picked up some groceries and I also found these really cool stick-on designer nails for girls. Because I have small fingers they’re perfect. Grabbed some Always a Flirti nail polish by Nicole too, which is like a frosty red color.

Picked up some ginger ale hoping it would help with the dizziness, because various forms of ginger are recommended, from what I read online, but it hasn’t helped much if at all.

For now, I’m trying to do “easy” things and not worry about the tougher things like book writing that isn’t necessary. So I pulled out some of the old Word Search magazines I’d get in Phoenix and thought I’d do some of them before they disintegrate.

Now that it took me nearly an hour just to write this entry, I’m going to go relax.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 15, 2016 Happy 22nd anniversary to us! Now if only I felt better. Found a post in a forum describing similar symptoms as mine and they were saying how much they want their life back.

Yeah, I want mine back, too! This sucks. This totally sucks. I know the ultrasound is going to come back normal and I’ll probably be told that I’m anxious no matter how much I insist this is NOT normal for me. I’ve been this way since early April, from what I could tell looking back in this journal.

I felt like such shit yesterday morning that I almost had Tom come home from work. Every day is still a struggle and I have to do things in spurts.

They have three seasons of The Bates Motel on Netflix and I just started watching that. It’s really good so far.

My dark purple flannel sheets and new pillow arrived yesterday, though the pillow is exactly like the last one I got; it’s just a little longer.

We got Cappy a wheel but the bastard won’t use it.

Was thinking of going for CampNano in July where you set your own word count goal (I chose just 10K since I’m often lightheaded and lacking energy), but I don’t know if I can even finish Shane.

Soon I’ll get into bed and try, speaking into my phone into an email draft.

Had a dream I was talking to Andy. I don’t remember what was said; just that he was the one to contact me. Oh, I won’t talk to him if he does. Or to Alison. They blew it for good. Same for Nane and Maliheh, but they’d be the last ones I’d ever hear from.

Then I skipped something called “motto class,” and was given a pass called a “day or daymorrow” by a huge lady in a shiny pink dress. It was a weird one alright. It’s like I was living in some dormitory and I had all these classes. Only I was too beat to go to “motto” class so I skipped it.

TUESDAY, JUNE 14, 2016 Just had to chase two woodpeckers off that were beating on the patio roof. I hear squirrels running around out there now.

I am also feeling totally overwhelmed, totally helpless, and totally ready to give up on my health and my life completely. I fear I’m never going to get better. I don’t know if it’s perimenopause, anxiety, or something going on with my heart/arteries, but every single fucking day I’m lightheaded. I’m dealing with that and fatigue more than anxiety these days.

My ear was bugging me, then it got better, and now it’s bugging me again. Could that be connected to the lightheadedness? Tom doesn’t think so cuz ear-related things usually give you the sensation that the room is spinning and I don’t have that.

I’m just so frustrated I want to beat my head in the wall!

MONDAY, JUNE 13, 2016 Trying to do yoga just now is a sad reality as to just how fat and old and out of shape I’ve gotten. I’m still in shape for things like cardio and strength training, but my joints and flexibility have really gone to hell. I am really starting to feel the effects of my age, something I had hoped not to feel until I was over 65. Instead, I’m feeling old and even sickly. The anxiety has been minimal since I’ve been up, but I’ve had a lot of lightheadedness and some fatigue. I now try to get things done as early in the day as I can because I know I’m going to lose the energy to do much.

I’m sitting here in tears now totally fearing I will never get better no matter how sure Tom is that I will. A part of me wishes they would find something wrong with the ultrasound and tell me that that’s the cause of my lightheadedness and say they can fix it easily enough. But with what? More drugs that I’m going to have a bad reaction to? I feel like I’m stuck in a total no-win situation. I have to choose the lesser suffering. Do I choose to suffer from whatever ails me, or do I suffer the effects of the medication they give me to treat it?

I had the runs last night and I started to feel a spark of hope that it wasn’t the statins after all, but with the statins, I didn’t actually have the runs, I just had to go a lot. It was also for more than one day. The chicken I made smelled a little funny so maybe it was that. Either way, there’s still the beat down I had which is the biggest sign saying that a retrial of the statins won’t work. I really, really hope to hell it does work, but I have my doubts. That’s still almost a month away, however.

I just miss the old me. I miss not having the types of fears and concerns that I have now. The fact that I felt better for most of the night reflects on how much more I was able to get done. I wrote three pages of my story and did other things, but I’m still not right. The person who looked so forward to spending most of her time alone without fear is gone. And so is the person whose worst problem was usually hoping it wasn’t too noisy that day.

When I’m in a good mood and feeling well I tend to run around a lot, and sometimes my body sort of tenses and vibrates with positive energy if that makes any sense. I’ve felt this way less often lately. My mind hasn’t wandered to other subjects as much as it should and usually does. The more I think about anything other than my health concerns, the better I’m doing. But I dwell on my health and simply don’t have the pep I usually have.

The only thing I don’t have now on a regular basis that I had in the past is the beat downs (assuming the statins don’t bring those back), but when I was suffering hardcore anxiety, I didn’t have the fatigue and lightheadedness. The kick-ass anxiety was by far the worst symptom, but feeling like shit is still feeling like shit. The butterflies feel worse, but there are ways to kill them. I haven’t figured out what to do yet for the fatigue and lightheadedness. For now, I sit and wonder… can perimenopause really do ALL this for this long?

As tough as yoga is, I realize I really need to just do the best I can and move my hips, spine, neck and shoulders more often. Especially the hips. The fat will hinder some of my flexibility, but I think I can loosen things up a bit more if I add yoga to my exercise regimen. Different exercises do different things after all.

Later…

Ear got better but is acting up again, so I just oiled it.

Woke up the calmest I have in a week, but then felt faint underlying traces of butterflies. My first thought was that it was a good sign pointing away from the statins, but maybe this is WHY the statins made me feel as they did. I think that no matter what, Doc A is always going to blame 100% of my problems on my medication phobia when in fact that’s just a part of it.

Really hope to hell the retrial works out. Oh, how I want it to! But I honestly don’t see much indication to suggest it will, even with Tom home. Still gonna hope for the best, though.

Was sickened and saddened by the news of some psycho killing 50 people at a gay club in Orlando.

Just think… some hater could’ve come into the Pub or the Frontier in Springfield when Andy and I would go, and gun us all down with an assault rifle.

I don’t know why, but Sarah’s selfies, which are becoming more constant and similar in appearance, really annoy the hell outa me. So, so conceited. Is approval from others really that important to her?

Finished watching Psychic Detectives (wow, if it’s for real), couldn’t get into Aquarius, so I watched a documentary on the world’s most dangerous places. I need to find another series to watch; preferably that doesn’t have just one season.

I’m glad modern shows don’t focus so much on childbirth and child abuse, as that got really old and sad. Today it’s more about political correctness. Gee, what a surprise.

I guess my HR doesn’t have to be in the 60s for good sleep after all. I took a lorazepam after being up 17 hours, then I slept 7 hours without waking up much, yet my HR was in the 70s, 80s and even the 90s. Only once did it hit 69 and it wasn’t for long.

SUNDAY, JUNE 12, 2016 Fell asleep without lorazepam and again I couldn’t stay asleep. HR stayed in the 70s till I took a lorazepam a few hours later and could then get into a deep enough sleep in the 60s.

Although I managed a quick bike ride and a trip to the Walmart we used to go to when we lived in Auburn (ours isn’t open 24 hrs.), I felt like shit most of the day. Goes to prove that while Tom’s presence helps, especially if things turn scary like with killer racy HRs, he can’t make it all go away. I still have the butterflies, fatigue and lightheadedness.

I’m totally losing hope of ever getting better for good. Those pre-Citrus Heights days are gone forever. :( So, so depressing. Sometimes I wonder if I should just kill myself.

I just downed 1.5 chicken wings. Mood’s stable but not normal. What I mean by “normal” is the pre-park days. Lightheadedness and fatigue haven’t set in yet. That seems to happen later in my day. I swear I’d rather go back to being pissed at the whole world if I had to have any negative feelings at all! Worrying about an external source is always easier than when it’s internal and has no end in sight. I get breaks, but no permanent relief and I’m beginning to fear I never will. It’s been 2 long years now. When I said over a year ago, “This is the new me,” I think I was right. This is me now, and I either have to live with this internal torture or end it all completely and hope for the best as far as any possible afterlife goes.

Noisy neighbors, hoping traffic doesn’t wake me up, earaches, toothaches, allergies… how I wish to hell those were my worst concerns! But what if there is a God up there who hates me and plans to make life progressively worse and worse for me? What if my life “peaked” in the Oregon house, that was the best it was going to get, and from here on out it’s just going to get worse and worse? What if I do have a stroke and end up half-paralyzed like my grandmother was?

My moods simply don’t match my life. I have a beautiful house and everything I need and most of what I want. So then I fall apart? WTF? Being anxious doesn’t go with my life, and I wish I could be as sure as Tom is that this is just the perimenopause talking and that it’ll eventually back off for good, but there are no guarantees. The not knowing for sure compounds the misery.

I even had a headache yesterday that was hard to kill and that I rarely get, and my eyes are noticeably worse. I hope the pressure isn’t up! We plan to get eye exams and new glasses during his vacation.

Although it’s a ways off yet I really hope the statin retrial works. I really want it to, but again, there are things that suggest it will while there are things that suggest it won’t.

God damn, do I wish he could be home for 2.5 years like when the economy collapsed! I just don’t look forward to my alone time anymore; a great thing if he were retiring, but he’s still got many years to go and we don’t even know for sure that he’ll retire at 66. Might need to work till he’s 70. In that case, you’re talking over a decade.

He has to work on our anniversary but will be off the next day to cart me to the ultrasound.

I try to think positive thoughts and imagine there are a few people around, but my games don’t always cut it, cuz again, adults just can’t see pretend games through the more convincing and imaginative eyes of a child. I just want to be happy! Carefree. Full of energy. Able to enjoy my hobbies and what I’ve got going for me.

Instead, I know that any second, I will be too lightheaded or fatigued to do much of anything but lay around depressed about it. Better try to get some work done on my story, though, and see if I can finally focus on that before I lose the energy.

First, I dreamed of meeting with Becky from VH only she was skinny unlike in real life. She’s bigger than me.

Then I was sitting on a couch in our “home” with the laptop looking at some survey about food. A female voice listed off names of foods and I muted her. Then Tom appeared to step out from a room from a hallway that appeared both shorter and wider than ours. He cleared his throat and I glanced at him. He wore a strange black robe that was wide at the hem and at the end of the long sleeves. He asked if I was hungry.

Then there was some strange dream about a black woman raping me and later laying in bed looking up at a strange tube of dust and thinking how I should do some serious cleaning.

FRIDAY, JUNE 10, 2016 Woke up feeling the most refreshed and the least anxious in days. Just a touch of “butterflies” early on. Enjoying it while it lasts. Tom is 100% sure and guarantees this will end someday. It better! It’s the most horrible thing I ever endured physically and emotionally. Honestly, I don’t know how many more years of this shit I can take.

He got the days off he wanted, so he’ll be off from July 2-10 using only 4 of his days off. This means that if I can get past the second dose, I will take 5 doses during this time, probably on odd days.

Figuring it was the right thing to do, but knowing they wouldn’t actually call to cry about their “wonderful” daddy, I gave Sarah and Becky my number. As expected, I got a “thank you” from Becky and nothing from Sarah. If people don’t appreciate me in their lives, then why don’t they unfriend me? It could be her grieving and nothing personal, but really, if you don’t want to stay in touch, just dump me. I think I’m pretty used to it by now. I just hope she’s not staying connected out of a sense of duty or anything like that. But the best remedy for those you don’t hear from (unless you ask them a question or something) is for them not to hear from you.

Instead of a simple “thanks,” Sarah’s plastering more and more of the same selfies while her beloved daddy’s dying, and yes, I know this sounds wicked judgmental (that’s part of why I switched to private writing), but it’s a true sign of narcissism. It could also be a low self-image thing, from what I read, where she’s fishing for compliments. She does get them, though I’ve stopped the compliments only because they all look the same after a while and I’m not hearing much in return from her. I hate one-sided relationships of ANY kind.

I reconnected with my top PB besties but haven’t heard from the old lady. Funny too, since I recently had a bad dream about her. Either way, I didn’t feel right about abandoning them for no good reason.

The back light is out. I jumped and waved and it never saw me. Made my 2 rounds around the circle and did my 15 minutes of Bowflexing and 15 seconds of planking (any more hurts my back and abs).

You can’t leave the Bluetooth speaker on, so I learned. After a while, it beeps like a busy signal on a phone.

Later…

Sarah did “like” a post of mine after all where I claim to plan to be too busy to check in much this summer (made visible only to her), so please email or call if anyone needs me. Did she like the part about me not being around? Or the offer to email/call?

Decided I needed a new “game” of sorts to help distract me from my anxiety whenever I start to feel wound up or a little down. For the longest time, I’ve wished I could get into role-playing, but unless I were ever as crazy as Kim, I’m just too old to play pretend games. I’d love to be able to play “make-believe” in the way that I could as a child. As a child, we’re not only quicker to believe what others tell us, but what we tell ourselves as well. With age, however, we tend to lose that brainwashing power. It’s not that I ever believed my pretend games were real or that my imaginary friends weren’t just that… imaginary. But I saw my made-up fun in a whole different light than I could ever see it as an adult.

But interviews… interviews like what Andy would pretend to do as a famous rock star, and what I would sometimes do as well… is a different story. It’s a form of verbal journaling, be it my past, present or future that I may be discussing.

So I chose to do these things when I was lying in bed awaiting sleep. At these times one’s mind tends to wander a bit more and I’m more vulnerable to negative thoughts. Therefore, I pick a person I know or have seen, and pick a random topic to “discuss.” I could talk pet rats with Doc A or languages with Stacey.

As only Tom knows, my talking to pictures was NO pretend game. But it got me rethinking the afterlife again. The pics were the hosts to the entities that dwelled within. But WHO were they? Spirits of the dead? I guess I’ll never know.

I thought I had some dream about winning a vacuum, but I know it doesn’t mean anything.

I also dreamed of riding an electric bike. It went the same slow steady speed of about 5-6 MPH.

Then I felt a lump in my upper right boob in the next dream. I felt that area again a few minutes later and it was gone.

Then Tom and I were sitting in a room by a large window. Andy walked by and waved to us without turning his head. We just laughed at this 70’s hairstyle.

Then I was in our house, which didn’t look like our house as usual (we don’t have a slider), and saw Tom put some recyclables into the regular trash. I told him to stop putting recyclables in there. Then he went out a slider and into a dark chilly morning. A man stood across the street with his hands in his pockets and it seemed like we were in the mainstream.

Then I had some dream about a power outage while sleeping, and peeking into our neighbor’s place, which seemed to be just another room in our “house,” and it didn’t belong to Bob and Virginia. I guess they were about to move, but still had the place set up. Large pictures were on the walls and there was some furniture present, too. Tom told me I should return my barrette to them. I took it out of my hair and placed it on a table by their door.

Later…

Miss Nosy did some more digging into Dr. A. Let’s see… married, no kids (I think), 2.5 stars on Mercy, 3.5 on Yelp, loves to camp, travel, run and bike ride. They all love the same shit, only Dr. O added cooking and gardening, Dr. D playing with the kids.

Well, she’s going in my July CampNano story along with Stacey. Was thinking about the interview game thing and might do something along the lines of that. A wants to learn all she can about someone’s life, for example, cuz she’s involved in a secret medical experiment to see if memories can be altered/destroyed. Then Stacey can rescue her and try to help her figure out which memories are real vs. fake.

I’ve really got to get back on with Shane, though, once I catch up on journaling. Amazing how one who works at home, has no kids, and no real friends can often have so much to say.

Like the fact that I created a document to back up my tweets. I also back them up on my-diary and Prosebox.

Later…

Wanting to understand more of the “logic” American law is based on, I read around a bit. Well, the philosophy is this: Physical wounds heal, but emotional ones don’t. This is why violence isn’t taken nearly as seriously as non-violent crimes and rapists get less time than I got for saying shit no one wanted to hear. A woman can beat the shit out of her BF/husband for cheating and get just days, while thieves get months or even years.

Sorry, but their belief system makes no sense. If you beat someone up; sure their wounds are going to heal, but you mean to tell me they won’t have the memories and be emotionally damaged by the attack as well? If you called me names when I was a kid, of course that would have hurt. Today, I don’t give a shit if some stranger online or on the street calls me fat and ugly. But if they shoot, stab or beat me, that’s going to do a LOT more damage than any nasty words could ever do.

Sometimes I wonder if some of these crazy judges give crazy sentences just to get famous. Getting famous in a good way is like winning the lottery, but getting infamous only takes a second. Just threaten the wrong person online and you’ll be all over the news worldwide, for example. But what a great way for the cock to get famous while remaining within the “law,” huh?

Saw something about witches hexing that rapist who will be serving just 3 months (to lessen the impact on him, said the sick judge). What good will that do? And so what if the American Swimming Association or whatever the hell it’s called banned his membership for life? He can still swim elsewhere. I wish someone would kill him, but if no one killed Casey Anthony, why would anyone kill him? People can only wait till he rapes again and hope that the next time (since rapists can’t stop or be rehabilitated) he’s put away for years if not for good, and raped silly in prison before being killed, thus saving the taxpayers on his food.

Don’t know the details or even what the name is, but someone’s suing Ellen Degeneres for making fun of their name. Now THAT’S a case that may receive some punishment, even against a rich celeb. You know how it is, feelings matter more than the actual damage/crime.

Later…

So I ended up having anxiety when I first got up yesterday, then it backed off from 6-midnight, then returned for about 4 hours till Tom got up. This is the butterfly kind of anxiety. Not the booming heart or anxiety you feel welling up in your chest that’s more associated with when I was on too much levothyroxine.

I wanted to go to bed without lorazepam but felt too wound up and as I’d never get to sleep, so I took it and slept about 9 hours. Fitbit says 8 hours and 26 minutes to be exact.

Sure enough, about an hour after I got up, the butterflies flew outa my adrenaline gland to annoy the fuck out of me till I roasted chickened them away. Had a headache too, and took one ibuprofen. When that didn’t help I took another, even if it meant I might be drowsy.

The emotional tapping isn’t as effective as it was (all good things come to an end while so many bad things don’t), and so much for the power of prayer. There definitely either isn’t a God or it doesn’t give a shit about me. If it did it wouldn’t be letting me suffer so much for so long in the first place.

Again, gotta wonder what I did to deserve this. AND why it keeps coming back. AND when/if it’ll ever stop for good. The not knowing is what’s very hard on me, like when we didn’t know when he’d find work again. He’s totally sure it’s the peri and that it’ll be over someday, and while this makes sense to me (even if A might not believe it), how can I be sure? Yes, it’s hard to believe I’d become this whole different person for no reason just like I tried to explain to C, but what if I’m one of those flukes destined to be tormented till the day I die and no one can ever really help me?

Last night I dreamed I had a job (don’t know what) and I wondered if it would be as easy as I thought it would to just disappear once my schedule prevented me from working.

I also dreamed I was in some place with Andy and Jessie. I’m not sure how many rooms there were, but in the bedroom was one long bed, like a super huge king-size bed, and that’s where we were to sleep that night. The next morning we were to continue on with our travels, be it going home or to wherever we were going next.

The bedroom was off of a large room in which I started to stack a few chairs but then changed my mind. I shuffled some stuff around the bedroom, including a large wad of cash that might’ve been Jessie’s. While I did this I figured I’d have trouble sleeping and would be up listening to music long after they crashed.

THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 2016 Sometimes I wonder if I should drop ALL meds and ALL docs. They’ve made me worse, not better. But the suffering I’m once again doing (mostly anxiety in the solar plexus that I call butterflies, fatigue, dizziness and a few hot flashes) can’t have anything to do with the levothyroxine at this point. At least I don’t think I could have pocket flares that could bring my T4 high enough to make me anxious. Plus, this isn’t the kind of anxiety I’d have on the levothyroxine.

Headaches, toe pain, ear pain, anxiety, depression, beat downs, hot flashes, fatigue, lightheadedness… it never ends. Dark thoughts cloud my mind once again, and once again I wonder how much more I can take. Will I ever get better? I’ve been asking this on and off for nearly two years now.

I went from the freeloaders’ grasp to poverty to this. How sad. And yes, very negative. Sorry, sis, but it’s why I resorted to private blogging. I’m having more bad days than good lately. My bursts of wakefulness and energy are getting scarce. Believe me, I actually miss some of my old/lesser problems. I wish noisy neighbors and landscaping were my worst problems in life.

This definitely can’t be a lingering effect of statins either. I felt horrible yesterday till Tom got up, and borderline from when I got up till just a little while ago. I did sleep better last night too, so I took the opportunity to get some cleaning done and did a 10-minute walk by making two rounds around the circle. The weather was beautiful. When I did it a couple of evenings ago it was cool and windy.

I just miss the old me and I wonder if I’m ever going to have her back again for more than a few weeks or a few months if I’m really lucky. I don’t get it… my life gets better, but I fall apart? I’m tired of feeling as tired as an old lady and I’m sick of feeling like the unhealthy person I’m not.

Dr. A continues to frustrate me and said exactly what we expected her to say; that she thinks hot flashes could be responsible for perimenopause, but believes most of my anxiety is my medication phobia. Oh, come on! Anyone knows that my symptoms are very common for perimenopause, and what about my other phobias? I fear spiders and heights yet they never made me feel the way I felt when I was on higher doses of Levothyroxine and when I took the Statin. It’s just frustrating that no one seems to believe me because how can she really help me and work with me otherwise? I just can’t believe that not one single doctor I’ve seen has mentioned peri.

I can’t blame yesterday on the statins since I’m not on them now. Again, I’ve never been this way before two years ago and this is very uncharacteristic of me. No booming heart yesterday, though, and I still worry the statins may have caused that and the excessive bowel movements. It’s sometimes hard to tell exactly what’s causing what when so many things can mimic the same symptoms. But I know what’s normal for me and some things are just rather obvious. Tom and I both would be willing to bet just about anything that the vast majority of my symptoms are perimenopause and that certain medications can enhance those symptoms.

I can see waiting to test my thyroid and cholesterol in the fall, but why wait till then for the estrogen/hormone tests? I just don’t get that.

Another thing that frustrates me is all the fucking foreign doctors out there whose first language isn’t English. This calls for the patients to have a harder time understanding them due to their accents, and them possibly having a harder time understanding us as well. If I wanted an Ecuadorian doctor, I’d go to Ecuador.

Like Tom said, we’re not locked into these doctors or this Medical Group. Yeah, but like Charlotte said, would getting a different doctor or group really make any difference? I would still prefer older American doctors whose first language is English and who are more likely to understand perimenopause if they’ve gone through it themselves. No wonder someone’s review said Doc A doesn’t do well with older patients. 55-57 would be a good age group for doctors for me. Old enough to understand, but young enough to be my doctor as long as we’re here.

Again, I wonder if I should say “fuck A” and try the estrogen Tammy recommended, but you know me… always afraid to try anything.

Although I still think the statins are going to escalate my anxiety and give me the runs and a booming heart again, I’m willing to give it one final try, but as I told the doctor, this might not be until early July. Tom is going to try to get time off around the holiday, which would give him 9 days off counting weekends, and he would only be taking 4 of his vacation days off. I worry about hogging up too many of his days too fast with all the fucking appointments I’ve got. Or worse, he getting fired and then a low-paying job with an American company that doesn’t give as many days off per year. Sometimes I wonder if something up there led him to this job, knowing it was going to pick on me and that I’d need all kinds of doctors. I just want to be happy! I want the anxiety, fears and worries to just fucking stop! Stress is one thing, anxiety is another. I’d rather worry about things in my mind than feel the physical effects of the anxiety like the butterflies and racy heart.

Worst case scenario I tell the doc that Take-Two failed and ask if there are alternatives to statins. If she remains stubborn with a statin-or-nothing attitude and won’t help me find what’s right for me, then yes, I’ll be done with her. Meanwhile, I highly doubt I’ll die the next day or the day after. I couldn’t get that lucky.

She also recommended getting in to see Stacey and a new psychiatrist since Dr. L left. Even though I don’t see what good that’s going to do me, I made an appointment with the only doctor they had available. Sure enough, it’s male and foreign. Asian this time. I looked up Dr. Chiu to see what he looked like and confirmed my Asian suspicions. Can’t get in till December, though. Stacey, I’ll see in 10 days. Her I’m kind of looking forward to even if it’s more time and money that Tom says not to worry about because she really listens and has been the most helpful so far.

I don’t know what to do for now, though. Do I tap more often? Do I try giving prayer another shot? I hate to say it, but coincidence or not, prayer did seem to keep things going in the OR dump as well as after our motel crisis. Only problem is I don’t know if I believe in God, or that it’s a very good God with all the shit I see going on in this world, along with what I’m going through. It’s hard to believe it would care, but I guess it can’t hurt to try.

I looked in last year’s journal for when I did the Return to Sender spell. Did it on December 30th. Things got worse before they got better. The first week of January was bad, then it got better… until the statin. Can one tiny 10 mg pill really do all that? Probably not all of it, but I still think it did part of it.

Then there’s the rock. That possibly cursed quartzite rock from that possibly cursed land. It may seem silly as hell, but just in case unpacking it and handling had a hand in making me worse, it’s sitting out in the trash now.

I can’t help but ask… why is this happening to me so severely? Why do some women make the transition so easily while I get to sit and suffer big time? I feel so cursed, but then I think how lucky I am not to be blind or paralyzed or anything like that.

So much for hoping for a shorter, lighter period. It’s a little shorter, but definitely had more kick than the last one.

Tom said he wants to pull my medical records from the thyroid ultrasound done at Sutter cuz he swears there was something there about my arteries looking good. Well, the 16th will tell us if there’s likely to be any imminent danger, and again, I couldn’t get that lucky. Then again, while dying instantly may be “lucky,” I wouldn’t be so lucky if I ended up parlayed on one side like Nana Bella.

As I was telling Tom, as strange as it may seem, the two years we were in the OR dump may not have been perfect, and I hated the climate, but it’s the only place he and I ever lived where our lives weren’t predominately bad in some way.

Phoenix = money and freeloader issues. Maricopa = money and freeloader issues. Duplex = money and neighbor issues. Dump = winning and shopping. Trailer = money and mutt issues. Here = terror, terror, terror!

And the next state? Really, I hate to think that those two years could’ve been our “best” years despite not having shit. That place was a total dump and we had shit for furniture. I had yet to know what real insecurity was. I could read without prescription glasses. I wasn’t as fat. I had no concept of the true meaning of the word anxiety.

More to write about, but not enough energy. I’ll just end this entry by saying that I “did the right thing” by giving my nieces my number in case they ever want to call and chat. But I’m SO glad to know I’m the last person they’d call to cry about their wonderful little daddy! Again, I’m sorry for them. Being in your 20s is awfully young to lose a parent. But I hate the guy with just as much of a passion as I did in 2000.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8, 2016 Heard from Tammy who’s in pain and expecting more surgery next Monday. So much for her own positive attitude, but there is some good news… the guy who helped cost me my freedom and us thousands of dollars is now in the hospice. Yay for us, boo for the girls. At least I would think Tammy’s “yaying” and Lisa’s not “booing.” IDK, though, cuz I once saw a pic of her and Bill, arm in arm at some kind of family function, smiling happily at each other, and did a real WTF? I would think Lisa’s more right in the head than she was in 2009 or 2010 or whenever it was that she went ballistic on me, but who knows? Many victims of abuse still worship their abusers, and I even wondered if Tammy was still in love with the bastard when the unwanted subject of him came up in Florida.

I told Tom I hoped to hell his theory of those in the afterlife not being able to affect the living is correct, cuz he’d shit on me every chance he got if he could. Tom doesn’t think he can do anything when you consider how many assholes out there have it well, and how many good people are suffering. This is part of what makes me unsure if there is a God. Besides, if they could influence us, wouldn’t my parents have seen to it that we won big bucks? Well, we didn’t win the smart home in NC or else they’d have ambushed us with the news by now.

So much more I want to write about, but I slept like shit and so I feel like shit. I only slept 6.5 hours and am VERY fatigued and dizzy. Got enough of a period to need to take something for the cramps too, but I’m hoping it will be shorter and lighter like the last one. Hopefully, I won’t have to spend nearly 3 weeks waterlogged before the next one either.

It’s just so fucking frustrating cuz it never ends. I have a few good days here and there and that’s it. I have shit for energy most days where I used to have an overabundance of it. It sucks. It really does. I want to write, I want to take my Italian lesson, I want to work on my story, I want to start some ideas I had, but I just don’t have the energy. Gotta go lay down now. Maybe later I can write more.

Later…

At the risk of sounding as negative as Tammy pointed out… I’m not only fatigued as hell and dizzy (my right ear rang for a minute and I had a huge head rush earlier in the shower) but depressed as well. I cried a bit and wished Tom were up, but was glad he wasn’t so I wouldn’t depress him, too.

I’m just sick of suffering most days and feeling like an unhealthy person who really isn’t. In the past when I’d be shorted on sleep and a bit tired, I’d still be able to get more done than I have today, and I’d even be pissed cuz I’d usually perk up at the end of my day. Only now I’m so fatigued that I feel drugged. I miss my energy! I’m still afraid I’m never going to get better. It’s like sinking into this quicksand you can’t pull yourself out of.

Tom was right… people are either overly sympathetic or they complain that you complain. That’s why I stopped public blogging. I don’t need either one of those things yet I got the same thing when I broke my arm; I either got smothered or turned against. Why is everyone so black and white? But society’s warped attitude isn’t my problem. I’m my problem. And I feel like I’m never going to be able to fix it.

I’m pissed that the doc has blown me off. I feel like she’s not being helpful enough, but when she does do something to help it backfires on me. :( Why can’t I just take whatever pills they recommend and be ok? I am so fucking frustrated that I wonder if I’m going to eventually lose my will to even live. I’m just not a strong person.

I fear that she’ll never believe me no matter how much I try to tell her that extreme anxiety is NOT normal for me and I don’t think it was all just me manifesting the side effects through my fears. I fear spiders and heights, yet still don’t react that way. In my most stressful times in life, I never reacted that way. So why now???

I still want the option of going back to visit Hawaii someday from here or to sail/fly to Jamaica from Florida if we move there, yet none of that will be possible if I feel this bad this often. I’m not having a few bad days anymore. I’m having a few good days. :(

I still like the idea (I think) of moving near family, but then again, what could they do if something went wrong? Tammy’s got her own problems, I don’t know that I trust Becky and Sarah, (especially Sarah), and Lisa wants nothing to do with me.

I think of some aspects of the past and miss them. I didn’t know as much then as I do now, but I also didn’t know what it was like to have scary beat downs and I miss those days. Those young, carefree, adventurous days where my worst crisis was usually a kick-ass sneezing fit. Ugh, gonna cry again. :( Maybe it’s time to tap for depression?

Later…

Well, I did perk up a bit after some tapping, coffee and food, but we’ll see how long it lasts.

I asked Tammy, but she doesn’t know how old Mom was when her periods stopped. This period is still lighter overall in that I haven’t needed a big pad, but who knows what tomorrow may bring? Hard to believe it’ll pick up at this point, though.

If there’s anything good to her marriage with the little weasel not working out (and I told her this) it’s that if it had, she would be about to become a widow and she’s not even 60.

I’d like to think Bill’s suffering, but what’s sad is that unlike what we’ll have, he has this really great support system. If I really did die before Tom, whom would he have? No one? A bunch of strangers who don’t feel anything for him?

Tom said that he sees things differently than I do, and it’s true. He does. He said that even if he got cancer right now, suffered and then died in 5 years, it’s still a small percentage of his life. I totally see his point, but that 5 years may seem like a lifetime. The more we suffer, the more time slows to a crawl. It sure does for me anyway.

I just wish I could stop worrying about an end that’s not here yet. Until something actually happens to one of us other than me feeling like shit, why worry? But I do. All the fucking time. What if, for example, we’re both “destined” to live to 85? Well, that would mean I’d still have 8 years to go after he died. No way. Just no fucking way. Not only would I not be able to fend for myself, but even if I could, I couldn’t live with the horrible, horrible depression of knowing I’d never see him again.

And then there’s the suicide issue. What if I don’t have the guts to go through with it or I fuck it up? If I’m afraid to take something I’m pretty sure won’t kill me, then how could I take/do something I was sure would kill me? So if I couldn’t kill myself, but I couldn’t live, where would that leave me? Forced to commit a crime so I could at least have a prison house/feed me? And maybe give me medication I needed that I could actually stand to take? I would have to do it right cuz I couldn’t stand the depression of not having Tom no matter where I lived.

Later…

Another lie. Yeah, I happened to glance at the list of new users on Prosebox and thought a certain one sounded like something she would pick. Does she want to be obvious? I clicked on the name, and sure enough, I was blocked. So much for “severing” those ties, huh? I knew damn well she/they’d be back sooner or later.

I asked Tom if he thought the constant creating and deleting of accounts meant they were up to no good. He said it could be the case, or they at least think they’re doing something wrong. Whatever the reason, I’m SICK to death of them playing victim over there. So not wanting to be public anymore anyway, I deleted that account and disappeared in the night. Now they can only play their blocking games on Google and Facebook. Pretty sure they don’t use LiveJournal, and my-diary has no blocking. Also, if they do block me on other sites, I won’t know it.

I created another account in a bogus name. I casually scanned the room and my eyes rested on a doll called Peyton. So Peyton I am, with a close-up of a golden retriever for a profile pic. No age, gender or bio info is visible on me, though the gender should be obvious. Most people who keep a journal/diary are female anyway.

What was surprising was that after resurrecting my old Twitter account long enough to mention SaltyAlty and call out an account of Kim’s, which I even tweeted to, she totally ignored me. I fully expected her to run and change the link, but nope. So now I’m back to using just my secret Twitter account to tweet whatever comes to mind, some of which I may not even bother to mention in my journal.

I copied all my Prosebox books to the new account but the journals. I have a plan for that which I’ll discuss in my next entry. I’m out of energy to write much more, and it looks like today’s Italian lesson and getting any work done on my story will be out of the question.

A couple of quick dreams: In one, I was being interviewed. The interviewer and I were outside a poor, rundown apartment complex with the neighborhood people watching.

“You recently moved from a posh neighborhood to this. How does it make you feel?” the interviewer asked me.

“Well,” I said, “the other place was more comfortable, but poor folks are more real.”

Then there were the pistol-packing ladies in pink gowns. I was talking with a woman about guns, and she pointed to a picture of some people at some social event. Her daughter wore a long hot pink gown, and she told me she had a gun on her. I thought she hid it very well as the woman went on to say that she’d had some weird boyfriends, so the protection was nice to have.

TUESDAY, JUNE 7, 2016 Period’s late again. I get watery and my boobs get sore, then it lessens. Then it creeps up on me again. But no period other than that spot from two nights ago.

Did a quick public entry on Blogger and then on Prosebox to let Karen know about the anxiety. Charlotte said it probably wouldn’t be helpful to get a new doctor since they can’t know about every single symptom but the important/common ones.

Then this came in:

Jodi, Dr A and I reviewed your message below and we understand your anxiety regarding taking medications. We are very concerned about your risk for cardiovascular disease including heart attack and stroke at a young age due to your very elevated cholesterol levels. You are likely having a surge of stress hormones related to your worries about medications–this leads to symptoms of elevated heart rate, shaking, diarrhea, sometimes even lightheadedness. We recommend a re-trial of the pravastatin at this very low dose. We could even arrange for you to take this in the clinic for the first and second doses so that you have medical attention for evaluation if needed. We really want to work with you to reduce risk and try to calm your fears related to these medications.

Please let me know how you want to proceed.

As I explained to them, the symptoms didn’t start as soon as I took the medication. I explained that I took it Thursday and Saturday night and that I awoke a few hours after the first dose with a sore throat, which Tom also had, and that went away in a day. The frequent bowel movements started right away, but the attack occurred about a day and a half after the last dose.

Again, having found it listed as a rare but possible side effect online, and not having this kind of anxiety before a couple of years ago, makes me think the peri is affecting how the meds affect me. I still don’t think it’s all just me worrying. I was actually beginning to relax and think I had it made after the second dose.

Although… I was first started on a higher dose of Simvastatin, so if it was really that that caused some anxiety, all the shitting I did, and the weight loss, why did it take half a year to do it?

So some things support their belief that it’s just my phobia making me anxious, while others suggest it’s the peri/meds.

Although it was rough, this time around was less hellish than when the levothyroxine got me last fall. This time I didn’t have the band of tightness around the chest or any funky emotions. I just felt wound up and then my heart took off booming. Not quite as fiercely as when I was on the levothyroxine, but fierce enough to make me very glad I wasn’t working out at the time.

Not sure what they mean by “clinic” either. I’m assuming this means that I would take the meds at their office and not a hospital? If I could have a doctor around 24-7 then I would consider a retrial, but I don’t think they’re going to put me in the hospital for this. Besides, even if they did, what’s to say I might not have problems later on down the road?

Then Tom had an idea. After I clarified things for them and told them I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do next, he said to wait till I heard back from them and think about him taking a week or so off from work. Aw, that’s so sweet of him. I feel so grateful yet so guilty at the same time. Not a great way to spend time off, though I’m sure he’d agree that anything is better than working. He gets 5-6 hours off for every 2 weeks of work.

Last night I had a dream I was talking to Linda Ronstadt, only she looked young and thin again. I told her I once had a crush on her and asked her what she thought of that idea. She smiled, laughed, and didn’t seem fazed or offended by the idea, but then she started talking about God, and I immediately regretted revealing my crush.

In another dream, I was in a beauty store of some kind where there were scattered sections of nail polish. I had most of them in my collection and was telling a mother and daughter about the ones I had.

The daughter commented on a bright glow-in-the-dark color and I told her I had that and that it was lighter than it appeared.

The mother then showed me her deep purple nails and I said, “That’s Twilight. I have that one, too.”

MONDAY, JUNE 6, 2016 Bad news. News I wouldn’t dare tell Tammy or anyone else.

The statins backfired on me. Just when I thought I had it made, too. I noticed I felt more on edge than usual last night. I wrote it off to just being nervous about it being the start of the workweek and him having to work every single day, even though it seemed a bit extreme since my anxiety has been mild since January.

I went to bed and told myself I’d feel better in the morning, especially since I wouldn’t be getting up too early, and therefore wouldn’t feel like I had as many hours to be alone. But I lied to myself as much as Dr. A apparently did when she told me it couldn’t cause anxiety. Well, it can. It’s rare, but according to what we found online, it very well can. Even the pharmacist was dishonest, in a sense, by saying it couldn’t kill me. You can actually have a life-threatening allergic reaction from it.

I felt an underlying sense of anxiety since getting up at 10:30, but managed to get through the day’s planned housekeeping. Then just after 2pm, my heart pounded into the 130s. Well, Fitbit showed it at 135, but online it was averaged out to 116. I don’t wear it round the clock, but mostly when I sleep instead. It was too fast and too hard. Let’s just put it that way. This isn’t my only symptom. I’ve also been shitting my ass off.

So Tammy and Karen in Texas were right… statins CAN cause anxiety. Why did Doc A lie to me? Now I’m wondering if I should get another doctor, though I hate to have to put myself out and start all over again with yet another doctor. She should’ve told me anxiety was unlikely but possible.

Because I panicked and called Tom, he suggested seeing Stacey again, and I might if it doesn’t ease up soon. I’m hoping it won’t take 3 months to recover since I didn’t take it for a month like I took the 88s for a month.

Although the attack didn’t last long, I had a horrible thought later on. It’s not likely, but what if I had a pocket flare and the anxiety is from my thyroid meds? God, I hope not! No tightness in the lungs, though, or funky emotions, so I’m still hoping it’ll dissipate soon… even though my problems are rarely short and sweet.

I’m 99% sure it is the statins, and this has taught me something, too. The weight I lost two summers ago was because of the statins, not the levothyroxine, which would explain why I didn’t lose weight last fall. The statins don’t just make me anxious; they lower my appetite and make me shit up a storm.

Another strange thing (though I don’t think this has to do with either drug) is that I can’t try to get myself off without my heart pounding like a motherfucker. In that case, there’s no anxiety involved; it just pounds like a possessed hammer.

I guess something up there doesn’t want me taking anything to keep me from a stroke or a heart attack, though Tom says there are alternatives to statins. Like what? And what’s to say they won’t cause the same problems? It seems I can’t take hardly anything without it fucking me up. I’m just tired of suffering! TIRED of it! We’ve almost been here 3 years and I’ve suffered about two-thirds of the time. As I told Tom, I worry I won’t make it to his retirement and to get out of here someday. He said I thought the same thing about the trailer. True, but you know what? I’d rather die of a sudden heart attack than live to suffer! You know that perfect vision I said I missed most from my youth? Not anymore! I miss not having anything worse than a bad case of stress. Never did I have anxiety like I’ve had the last two years.

I was hoping I’d feel calmer with age, but an article I read doesn’t suggest I will. It said that older people have more problems, so they worry more. Also, they take lots of medications, many of which can make them anxious. Not very promising, but I think I’ll feel better when Tom’s retired if I live that long. I miss the days of feeling smothered by his constant presence like when he was on unemployment. I used to love spending most of my time alone. Not anymore!

I was stunned when Tom read an article about a guy with arrhythmia whose heart was clocked at 310 BPM!

I’m not sure I can fully trust A. She’s going to leave me with sleeplessness and lightheaded issues (other than to do the carotid ultrasound) all summer long? And she’s going to tell me something can’t cause anxiety that can?

I messaged her, told her what happened, and that I was stopping the statins.

Tapping still helps, but it doesn’t get rid of the anxiety completely or keep it from returning when it does. Speaking of it, though, all of a sudden I feel fine again. breathes a huge sigh of relief I don’t know how long it’ll last but I’m THRILLED to say that I just noticed I suddenly went as calm as can be. No anxiety. It’s like it’s gone. Just gone. I’d be shouting for joy if Tom wasn’t asleep, but instead, I cry tears of relief after crying tears of frustration and depression. I hope the worst of it is over! Anxiety is THAT bad. I’d go blind and gain 100 pounds first. Still concerned with what the future may hold, but gonna enjoy this wave of calmness while it lasts.

Wonder if the Ylang Ylang helped at all. I just remembered that when the dentist and I were talking about oils, she mentioned lavender and Ylang Ylang having calming effects. I knew about the lavender, but not the Ylang Ylang, so I threw a few drops in the diffuser.

Managed to work out, though not as long as I wanted to. I was hot, flushed in the face, lightheaded, and my heart pounded.

Anyway, my carotid ultrasound has been rescheduled for 8am on the 16th. Just not sure what doctor I’m seeing at the sleep clinic. I was given one name over the phone, but another name has been checked on the pre-appointment questionnaire I received today.

As for my period… it’s getting stranger all the time. Had a spot last night, but absolutely nothing today. Still got sore boobs and lots of water on me, though.

I rearranged some areas of the laundry room, hallway, and bedroom. I’m a little tired and lightheaded to do much more than listen to my audiobook for the rest of the night, but anyway, I came across a couple of rocks, one of which I shouldn’t have saved.

The first one is a white rock I got in SoCal in the mid-90s. Hardly exciting anymore since I now live in the state.

But then there’s that quartzite rock from our Maricopa land. If the land was as cursed as it seemed to be, then was it wise to take the rock from it? My life may not have gotten nearly as terrifying there as it has here, but it was pretty damn shitty being a slave to the freeloaders and courts the way I was. They fucking owned me. I wasn’t me for most of the 5 years we were there. I was just a number.

In my dream notes, I wrote that I was bike riding at night and something about parked cars and Donna A, the old evil witch, but can’t remember any details. Oh well.

SUNDAY, JUNE 5, 2016 This is too funny. Tom went to the grocery store and said he decided to try Gelato instead of ice cream to see what the difference was. I burst out laughing and let him know that Gelato was simply the Italian word for ice cream. So he really wanted to see if there was a difference between ice cream and ice cream, LMAO!!!

We went to the pool and it was nice. Just slightly chilly, but nice. It’s in the mid-90s out there.

Met a woman named Mona who works full time (and of course she couldn’t be our neighbor) who was nice, but never shut up. I prefer those that talk here and there as opposed to non-stop where you just want to cork their mouths with your flip-flop.

Doing the emotional tapping and feeling more awake so far today. No pain, minimal dizziness.

The pill dreams are back, but the last one I had didn’t scare me at all, and probably wouldn’t have even if Tom hadn’t been home. I took a small cupful of 8 tiny pills in the dream but wasn’t trying to kill myself or even scared. They were pills I had to take for some reason. I dread the day I’m on that many pills!

Rode my bike alone in another dream and turned around somewhere at the bottom of the rollercoaster. I felt ok; I just needed to get back in a hurry for some reason, unless I was going somewhere else.

Had a dream that the old lady in Grande Prairie was frail and ill. I hugged her and told her she’d been like a grandmother to me.

Wondering if something was wrong with her in real life, I did a FO entry, but she did view it, so she’s alive.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2016 OMG, Facebook really needs to stop shoving headlines in our faces! Argh! I’ve had it so much with them (and the lack of privacy issues) that I’ve removed Facebook from my toolbar so I don’t absent-mindedly click in. I’ll check it every other day by accessing it the old-fashioned way.

A fucking judge (it’s gotta be male) gave a rapist just 6 months instead of 6 years in jail to “lessen the impact” on him.

That’s what I got for a fucking letter! OMG, I wish I could strangle both the rapist and judge to death right now! Ugh! So mad now. So yeah, it’s best that I blog for myself. I don’t think my “negativity” has others concerned only for how it could affect me, but for how it could affect them as well to read it. And sometimes, like it or not, my “negativity” is just the truth. It’s a very negative article I’m talking about, but it happened. It’s real. And I’m through with the people-pleasing shit. Tammy may’ve really meant well, but how much of her “concerns” were that she was just tired of reading it? And then why did she continue to anyway?

I can’t fucking believe, though I can, that a rapist would get what I got for words on paper. And all because it was to a black person. Had the person been white I may’ve gotten 90 days if even that.

Thanks, God. You’re just so fucking wonderful.

Throat’s ok, slept ok, but after I ate the fatigue got me again, another thing Tammy wouldn’t be too thrilled to hear. “Perimenopause is rough,” she said. Yes, it is. And I have a right to say so in my journal, too. That’s what it’s FOR.

I complained to Twitter Support – yes, another negative thing – about the lockout issues, which I suspect, are glitches on their part, but they’ve ignored me. I wonder if Aly’s account wasn’t deactivated but locked. Maybe I’ll return to Histofme if it happens a 4th time.

Later…

Had so much fatigue today that I couldn’t finish writing. That’s the beauty of private writing; no deadlines to feel pressured into meeting. Throat’s ended up being sore on and off too, but Tom’s also had a scratchy feeling in his throat. Really hope it’s not my statins! Taking my second dose tonight, so we’ll see.

While I had a burst of energy I got a head start on the home reorganization project I’ve been planning for weeks. I’m looking forward to doing more of it as energy permits.

Tom replaced the broken stem in my shower and while it may not look the greatest, it’s much easier to turn on and off and doesn’t drip.

For last night’s dream, I got a call about a job, had ice cream late one night somewhere with Tom before we caught a bus, and played with an adorable brown rat Tammy might’ve caught from wherever. It was cute and playful. I kissed its back and Tammy shrieked, “Don’t touch him!” I asked why and she said, “Because we don’t know where he’s been.”

FRIDAY, JUNE 3, 2016 Happy 29th birthday to Becky, and thank you, Tammy, for clinching my decision to stop public journaling. Now I have the freedom to say what I want, whine all I want, be as negative as I want, be as controversial as I want, be as blunt as I want… all without censoring names or anything personal.

It's not that she said anything wrong and it isn't that she didn't have a point when we talked yesterday and she mentioned that my blog was very negative and that it was affecting my health and moods. Even so, to me, nobody should hold back in their journals, even if that means an over-expression of negative thoughts, experiences and feelings.

When she mentioned my fear of being left alone, she was under the impression that I felt this as of just last week instead of months ago, and I realized that she had no concept as to the depth of what I went through, saying I’ve got it made compared to her and others, I’d never make it in her shoes, etc. She’s probably right, but her suffering doesn’t devalue mine. Yet understandably, it's very hard to really relate when you haven't gone through something somebody else has. Without experiencing firsthand how the higher doses of Levothyroxine affected me both physically and emotionally, she's never going to get just how bad it was. It was a medical disorder making me have those fears, not a conscious choice. I didn't choose or decide to feel afraid. Still, I get her point. She may not get it like many don’t get my sleep disorder, but yeah, I can be harsh and negative all the way.

But the thing is that while I don’t want to worry others or bring them down in any way (is it really anyone’s business anyway?) I have a right to be me. I don’t feel ashamed or a shred of guilt for speaking my mind and I welcome back the days of writing for me and for me only. I miss being “selfish” with my writing. Unless it was a work of fiction I was being paid fairly for, I never wanted to write for an audience. Yes, public blogging was fun and maybe I’ll return to it someday, but people reading and commenting on my journals have lost its excitement, and visitor tracking is nothing new anymore either. So… time to write for me and be me. I’m not even going to worry so much about spelling and grammar. Just gonna pour it all out.

I’m nobody’s liar. I’m not going to sugarcoat a negative experience or omit it completely just to not come off as negative. I’m going to do what I’ve always done and simply write what comes to mind. Sometimes it will be negative. Sometimes it will be neutral. Other times it will be positive. But yes, I need to worry less and think more positively. It’s just hard to when you’re either worried or not feeling well.

I’m still going to use my blogs because the different platforms are fun and they make for a good backup. They just won’t be public. I know my 4 Prosebox besties are going to wonder where the hell I am, but I get a kick out of Andy and Aly wondering where the hell I am. I mean, sooner or later they’re going to check out my blog out of curiosity, I would think.

So I’m going to blog privately on Blogger and Prosebox and put a hold on my dream blogs for now. They really don’t serve much purpose anyway, and I can always gather future dreams to post later on if I want to.

Not gonna back these posts up to blogs every single day. More like every 10 days or so.

Might also drop the book list, too. It serves no real purpose either. I don’t need to remember what I’ve read cuz Amazon tells me if I accidentally go to order a book I’ve already got.

Since I only have one appointment between now and September, believe it or not, I think I might take a break from my allergy spray. It’s not the time of year for nasal allergies, but if I have an attack, at least I won’t have to worry about sneezing through appointments and can jump back on it if need be.

Finally slept better last night and therefore I’m in a better mood. Got the laundry done today, the grocery list, and completed a handful of other tasks. I found a good way to use up our remaining pods as we transition to liquid detergent, is to put it in the sock bag. That way it can’t get stuck in the seal again.

So while it was through teary eyes of fear that Tammy and most of the public wouldn’t get, I bravely swallowed my first half a Pravastatin last night. Woke up with a slightly sore throat, but then it diminished. Hopefully, it won’t become more of an issue the more I take. I would really like to safely reduce my risk of a heart attack or a stroke, something no one wants to believe can really happen to them.

I don’t fucking believe it. Twitter locked my account again. It’s GOT to be a glitch. Again, I verified my number, unlocked it, then deactivated it. I’m not going to play games with these assholes.

Last night I dreamed I was checking out pictures of Alyssa on my computer with Tom asleep in the adjacent room. As usual, the place didn’t look like ours. I heard a bump and assumed that Tom bumped his arm against the exterior wall above his bed.

Ah, it was nice to write like it was pre-June of 2008 again!

THURSDAY, JUNE 2, 2016 Today’s observation: Aly changed her Twitter handle, not surprisingly. Well, I actually noticed last night. I was surprised I never found the new one through a friend of hers. I would love to think she finally had enough of Kim’s shit and just dumped her and Twitter forever while she sits and regrets dumping her one sane friend that was honest with her, but I’m sure she just didn’t re-follow the friend, knowing anyone could look for her that way.

I’m so done with her, though, that I deleted her from my contacts on my phone. Under no circumstances will I ever again talk to her, Andy, Maliheh, Paula or Nane. It was her decision to throw me away and she’s going to have to live with it.

The only thing that confuses me (not that I’m complaining) is why I haven’t heard from Molly or her mother. Scared of me? Yeah, probably. They should be too, though any future contact would go ignored unless they wouldn’t let me ignore them. Like I should have taught the freeloaders, put your hand far enough into a lion’s den and you just might not be able to yank it back out so easily.

I expected to sleep better last night, even without lorazepam, but instead, I slept worse. Finally took a lorazepam 4 or 5 hours after waking up constantly and slept a little better from there on out. Like it or not, I’m going to have to take one before bed till I get through this so I can sleep shitty instead of super shitty.

Just wondering what it was I did to deserve this shit. It’s like I’m healthy but don’t feel healthy. Technically I’m healthy, but with so many issues to deal with, minor or not, and with so many appointments, I feel like I’m anything but healthy. Again, I wonder what I did to deserve it, but that’s just the thing. Just like so many people tell themselves there’s a good loving God up there, I tried to tell myself I must deserve to suffer for some reason, but you know what? I don’t. I don’t deserve to suffer. I may not be perfect, but I didn’t beat anyone up. I didn’t rip them off. I didn’t break into their house. And I don’t deserve to suffer.

I just feel overwhelmed right now. I’m starting the statins tonight so I’m anxious about that. I’m a bit down now, but mostly pissed, frustrated and feeling helpless. While it’s great that I’ll only have one appointment between now and September, I’m not going to the lab or the sleep doctor until then. So what do I do in the meantime as far as my sleep goes? Just continue to not sleep and to feel like shit most of the time? She was afraid to recommend anything OTC, saying she wouldn’t have any way to guarantee side effects as easily that way.

It really sucks because while I’m tired, I’m not tired enough to go back to bed for another hour or two and catch up on lost sleep. So I’m dragging all damn day with barely enough energy to do things. I do them, but I really have to push myself and take several breaks along the way where I just close my eyes and rest.

I don’t get it, though. My sleep HR did register low enough for better sleep, yet I kept waking up constantly. I even woke up warm once and my heart was about to take off racing. I pushed the covers off and let the air from the fan rush over me.

Anyway, I’m on for Dr. A, the sleep doctor, and my dentist in September. I scheduled the ultrasound for the 13th, but might have to reschedule because Tom doesn’t think my schedule will line up for that day. Me and my fucking math!

I’m going to hold off on bumping the dentist up sooner because I haven’t had much pain in that tooth. Fortunately, the sleep doctor seems to be an American guy. I just get sick of the funky accents, and getting American doctors these days is hit or miss. Trump wants to “make America great again?” Let’s try putting the American back in America.

Since nothing lasts forever and I assume that someday – someday – this shit will end which I still suspect is mostly perimenopause-related (possibly sleep apnea, too), it’ll just be on to something else. I seem to have one long-term problem after another. I still say it was a lot easier being broke.

At least it hasn’t been noisy today… yet. Yesterday it was landscaping, and the day before that it was 45 minutes of sawing trees, but that wasn’t in the park. That was just over the wall where the golf course is. The car stereos, also which might not be coming from in the park, are totally annoying at this time of year. Not even an hour passes that I don’t hear one thumping by. I STILL can’t believe the damn things are STILL legal. But don’t you dare hurt anybody’s poor precious, sensitive, eggshell feelings with your opinions and beliefs! rolls eyes

It’s been very hot and dry. It’s nice in the shade, but my God have I gotten sun-sensitive lately! Is it age? Cuz I’m fat? Something else? I just can’t handle being in direct sunlight for long when it’s over 80° unless I’ve got a pool nearby.

To finish up with yesterday… We went to Smog-n-Go for emissions testing which took no time at all since it’s a luxury car. Didn’t care for the little girl in the waiting room who just couldn’t shut the hell up. Not just that, but the damn brat was so LOUD. I could hear it all the way in the bathroom. After several minutes of waiting outside, its father led it to their car and it was still yacking non-stop. How do the parents deal with this shit on a regular basis and not want to tear their hair out, throw their hands up and scream, “Will you just shut up already!” My mother never would’ve let me go on at the mouth that loud or that consistently. It’s like, my God, make it come up for air at least while it’s around other people, will ya?

Went to Chili’s after the car was done and got beef quesadillas and French fries that weren’t very good. Our food only cost $3, though, since we used the GC he got from work.

Went treasure hunting at the GW after that and got a couple of sun catchers and a pair of pink scissors.

Last stop was to Walmart to pick up my statins. I’ll be anxiously starting that tonight. I just want to stop having so many damn problems! I miss those 15 years I didn’t go to doctors, though right now my biggest problem is sleeping. I just want a decent night’s sleep a little more often. Is that too much to ask for?

As for my weight… I’ve been in the low 150s lately and decided to compromise. Although I still don’t think I can do it, I’ll aim for 145 rather than 120. I shouldn’t have any issues at that weight. It’s only 6 pounds away, but to an older woman with Hashimoto’s, it may as well be 60.

Last night I dreamed we were still living with Jesse. He had one of his many projects lined up and I asked him when he planned to start working on whatever he was going to work on next. He said, “I don’t care about your schedule.”

I told him well, I did care and was asking so I could be up when he’d be working.

Then I was sitting by an indoor pool of his. A few others were swimming in it. At one point I patted some guy on the back and told them they were like a big brother to me. They didn’t seem too thrilled with that idea.

Then we were in a hotel. I was asleep when a few bumps and bangs woke me up from the next room. I got up, thinking it was daytime, but then when I looked out the window I could see it was still the middle of the night.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1, 2016 Just noticed Maliheh’s got me blocked again, and no, I have no idea why any more than I can guess why Twitter locked my old account the last time they locked it. Could be the “I’d wish you a happy birthday if I gave a shit” photo card I sent her two weeks ago, but that was sent by email, not Facebook. I’ll check every month or so to see if she unblocks me again. As soon as she does, I’ll take the honor of blocking her… for good.

As for Kim, she’s definitely not reading my blog and I’m not going to bother with any further “tests” on her. I don’t care what else she sees/blocks. I just wanted to get away from her on Twitter where she has a million accounts to block me from and knows I can’t track her. She had to have been checking my tweets every few hours, though, based on how fast she’d change links after I’d mention them.

Woke up a million times throughout my sleep and slept worse than usual as Fitbit reflected. My HR only dropped to 73. It needs to be 68-71 to get me in a sound sleep. Tom noticed the same thing with him. After a good night’s sleep, he finds he drops to the high 40s, but only to the low 50s when he doesn’t sleep well. Now that my appointment is over and I have a better sense of what’s going on, I’ll probably sleep better tonight. Maybe even without the lorazepam. She’s ok with me taking it before bed if I need it, though.

Got up at 6am, took my thyroid meds, had coffee and a kiddy smoothie in a half-hour, then we were on the freeway just after 7:30.

Every year they give you a Depression Screening questionnaire, so I filled that out, confirmed my meds, then took Tom back in to see A with me so he could be an extra set of ears in case I forgot anything.

My BP was 150/90 but only cuz I was nervous. My pulse was 88, but it’s normal for me to be high.

While my lungs and heart sounded good, the doctor talked me into taking half a 10-mcg tablet of Pravastatin every other day. That’s a little less scary than daily Lipitor at 20 mg. She assured me it can’t kill me and to just stop it and let her know if I have any problems like muscle aches. For some reason, I was under the impression it could paralyze your muscles and then kill you cuz you couldn’t breathe. She said it wouldn’t make me anxious either. According to her, I should worry more if I didn’t take it than if I did as my numbers are high and so is the risk of stroke and heart attack.

While I agree that it was the wrong dose of levothyroxine that was causing my killer anxiety and not the 25 mg of Simvastatin I was on a couple of years ago, I still have a medication phobia in general, so starting the Pravastatin is going to be a little scary. I appreciate her patience and understanding, though. As she told me the first time I saw her a year and a half ago, it’s best to expose people to what they’re afraid of in small doses, pardon the pun.

She also wants to do an arterial ultrasound for what I believe is my carotid artery to make sure no blockage has been causing my dizziness. Dizziness has been better overall, though.

We discussed my perimenopause symptoms and the trouble I’ve been having sleeping, as well as my non-24 sleep disorder and suspicions of sleep apnea. She thought it would be best to go to the Sleep Disorder clinic and talk to their specialist before participating in a sleep apnea test, which will be VERY hard for me. Not just because of schedule issues but because I’m used to sleeping with a loud sound machine since everything wakes me up, and I mean everything. Forget the loud traffic and landscaping sounds; if Tom so much as sneezes or uses the microwave if I sleep with no fans or sound machines, I wake up instantly. So to fall asleep with no sound machine in a strange environment will be quite a challenge. Still not sure it’ll come to that, though. Also, she said there was a test that could be done from home, but it’s not as accurate.

Because lorazepam is a narcotic, I had to sign their yearly contract and take a random urine test. That was easy enough as often as I have to pee. At least I didn’t have to endure the humiliation of it being observed!

We explained how they wanted to charge us money we’ve never had to pay before at the lab and canceled the test after waiting for nearly an hour for nothing after having my thyroid tested 6 weeks ago. Apparently, they read the computer dates wrong. They need to stop doing that, too. That really bothers me when I end up put out due to their carelessness. What if it were something dangerous?

So as O and I agreed, my thyroid is just a hair above normal and I feel best with my T4 at 1.0 – 2.0. So I’m staying on 75 mcg.

In 3 months I’m to report back to her. The week before that I’m to go to the lab for the following list of tests.

Lipid Panel wRfx Direct LDL

CK Total

FSH Follicle Stimulating Hormone Level

Luteinizing Hormone LH

Estrogen Level Total

TSH Ultrasensitive (3rd Gen)

T4 Free

[the1975attheirverybest]

ignore this if you want to but basically last thursday was a bit of an awful morning that ended up with me missing my first lecture of the day, sat in bed crying and then bailing on going out to the pub and ignoring everyone which ended up being quite nice. i cant actually remember what i did over the weekend other than not work and then monday was okay like i went to the library and somewhat organised myself but got distracted as i ended up meeting up with friends and then buying wine from tescos do do a greek lit reading night which was fun but really overwhelming (i also dont actually like wine that much) but then tuesday as much as i got out of my flat i then did actually nothing all day and it made me feel awful and then yesterday i dont think i properly got out of bed until 5pm and ive just felt a bit horrific because i feel like im failing academically, ive not been eating properly at all and i kinda just hate myself and i kinda just want to go home but i dont really have the time and i feel like it would just make everything worse when i come back. i also git into a slight argument with a couple of home friends because i sent some a selfie of me as a reaction to something that was said and got a how are you still in bed (i think it was gone midday at that point) and i said ive been trying to will myself out of existence (which in retrospect does sound fucking stupid but i was being sincere) and got basically omg same in response which pissed me off. i then later send some matty related meme which got some form of light-hearted response along the lines of being insane and i then went on a bit of a tirade about how you dont know how mentally ill i actually am and the response kinda was yeah were worried but dont know how to show it lol which again kinda annoyed be given that i have been a mediator to a lot of their quite serious relationship issues but then got a bit of a more sincere response after but i didnt read it properly and havent really said anything bar sending a tiktok because i dont want to have to address me being a bit of an immature dick so now i feel kinda isolated because im not close enough to any of my uni friends to be like hey im having a bit of a crisis can you make sure i actually eat real meals and maybe even force me to the shops to buy food - 🐸

Hey,

I need you to listen to me and know that I am being 100% serious. I don’t think any of this was immature or dickish. Cuz, like, I don’t know. I’ve been in situations where I’m having a bad depressive episodes and when I can finally muster the courage or energy to tell someone about it, I’ve gotten “mood” or “same” in response. And it’s kind of hard because no not “same” you’re not just having a bad day or feeling sad about something like a bad grade on a test or something. You’re literally struggling with an illness. That, on top of getting a comment about not getting out of bed on time when you’ve already been beating yourself up about it is hurtful. Your feelings are totally valid.

Of course, they don’t know that / didn’t mean to hurt you. They thought they were just making a simple comment. But that doesn’t mean you should trivialize how you feel about it.

Maybe once you’re feeling a bit better and more clear headed you can talk to them about how best to support you in moments like this?

In the meantime, I’m happy to force you to go to the shops. What, is it like….1 pm UK time right now? You have until I’m done teaching for the day. Like, 4 hours from now. I better come back on here and see that you’ve gone to get something for a home cooked meal. Otherwise I won’t post what I wanted to post tonight hahaha. No but for real. Do check in and tell me that you went. Mental illness is gross. You’re doing the best you can. He gentler with your brain.

[notebookmusical]

Hi!!!! I'm so sorry I didn't reply again until now. I wanted to reply the other day but basically my ask got deleted halfway thru replying and I didn't have time again until now. I'm so glad you had a great time at the movie. It seems like you had a lot of fun and i'm glad you were able to see it again. I expected there not to be a lot of people at the last show since it was so late and it was an added show on Thursday. It did make me wanna see it again just to experience it with other people but I don't know if I will. I hope it comes to streaming so I can watch it over and over. I loved noticing new things seeing it up close. What did your friend think of the whole show? Sometimes I forget how incredible it is how Taylor created and came up with it mostly by herself..a true mastermind! I'm grateful that I was able to go to the show at least once compared to the people that didn't. It did make me nostalgic for my show but I also loved the surprise songs cuz it was like how the fans that have been there from the beginning since Our Song to now with You're On Your own Kid just made it special. Aww she really put it on and said it was her favorite!!! I knew about the cut songs beforehand but my sister didn't and it took her some time to realize any were cut. I understand some of them cuz it didn't have choreography and I guess the movie maybe felt a little long but also everything went by fast too. But that was the one that hurt the most cuz its one of my favorites. It's also the only single from the album so I couldn't believe she cut it. I love them all but my favorites are probably Speak Now and Folklore too, along with rep.

I never listened to Renee's EP cuz I was waiting until her album but I do plan to hear them together probably next week. The few songs I've heard so far I've liked though. I have to give Holly's album a few more listens as well before I know my favorites but which ones did you like the best? I also enjoyed Boygenius as well. Ya I am curious about the movie version but I'm not excited about it or anything. I don't think it would change much from the stage version, but I'm happy it's at least people kinda from Broadway. I never saw anything from Sabrina if she ever was on Broadway, cuz I can't remember..but I agree..she could've been a great Cady. I remember the stunt cast for Cameron Dallas and apparently he was so bad lol. I'm sorry you didn't get to see it on Broadway but I might see it on tour in a few months to compare it to the movie. I also heard a Waitress proshot is coming soon so I'm probably more interested in seeing that, cuz I couldn't on tour.

So one of the reasons I didn't reply to you was cuz we went to see Les Mis last night!!! We were trying to go on Wednesday but it didn't work out so I didn't wanna tell you I was seeing it if I wasn't sure I could go. But it was so amazing and probably top 5 shows I've seen. I would want to go again to have better seats and cuz there was a lot going on, on stage, that I missed. It was really funny though cuz I hadn't thought of the musical in a while but of course I still knew all of the words haha. It felt really fast paced and I wish I could've paid more attention or soaked it in more..that was kinda my first time seeing a sung through show, so it was a good thing I knew it so well lol. My favorite parts were I Dreamed a Dream, The Confrontation, Stars, and One Day More, but I really loved the flow of Act One. The barricade scenes were good too, but the set was pretty dark which made it kinda hard to see. Of course I thought of you every time they said Cosette! And I noticed it was a lot haha. Anyway I also remembered I saw Moulin Rouge on tour almost the exact same day last year which is a crazy coincidence! I only know that cuz it was around when Midnights came out..which is today and I wanna know how you feel about it when it first came out compared to now. I think it's grown on me a lot and I do love it way more now. I can't believe 1989 is only a week away! I'm so excited to hear new Taylor songs to react to..it's so fun and will be fun to see if we have the same favorites.

Wow cool..that's awesome that you met up at your show! You're so sweet to say that and I realized we have been talking back and forth for a while now. I definitely think of you as my friend! Sometimes I worry that I have nothing interesting to say but then I also worry I talk so much lol. But that's why I say you shouldn't worry about replying..but I didn't want you to feel like I forgot about you either. I really do enjoy our conversations and how we just talk about our interests since I don't really have anyone else to talk about this stuff with. It feel weird that you don't know what I look like or that I'm just online, and sometimes I feel weird about it. Books are something I'm glad we can bond over, since my sister doesn't have as much time for reading, and I'm excited to start the book soon. If we are reading the Night Circus too, it's okay cuz I can read two books at the same time but just let me know. I read the summary of those on Goodreads and it reminded me of Only Murders in the Building, even if I haven't even watched the show yet but it's on my list. If you've seen it, let me know how it is. I am not a big thriller or mystery reader but it did seem interesting so I'm glad you enjoyed them! I'm sorry if I forgot anything, but I might not be able to reply until Monday if you reply to this though..just to let you know. I hope you have a nice weekend!

hi friend!! hope you're having a good weekend 🤍 i saw something on twitter about it maybe going to prime, but i take most things i see on twitter with a grain of salt 😭 my friend really liked it — and is super excited to see her next year 🥺 i understand why a lot of them were cut (choreo, etc) but i was really bummed because i love long live and the archer and cardigan and - well, all of them. i was talking to some friends on thursday about how if we could change anything in the eras setlist in a way that wouldn't alter production too much (i.e. costume changes, choreography, speeches, giving her time to rest a bit, etc) what would we change and so i want to ask you the same question! what would you change if you could? i think i said i'd switch out i knew you were trouble with holy ground or red! i would personally also maybe switch all too well 10 for the 5 minute version, and then add our song or i'm only me when i'm with you (or both) instead, just so i could get my little debut songs in. but i do think it's pretty perfect and even the songs that i don't gravitate towards listening to regularly are SO much fun live. the rep set is SO good; we've talked about how it's not my favorite album of hers but honestly one of my favorite eras performances i think.

i think elvis impersonators, cocoon, and ghost me are in my top 3, but i'm not entirely sure yet! i can't wait to hear more of your thoughts on holly's album!! sabrina was only cady for like, two days so not a whole lot exists out there! but i really liked her take on cady. i feel like more often than not i am disappointed with stunt casting (i understand why they do it though) — speaking of stunt casts, i'm curious to see how jordan fisher does as orpheus in hadestown! i'm seeing the tour in a few weeks and i'm super excited to finally see someone who isn't reeve carney haha! and yes — waitress proshot! it was announced yesterday or the day before, i think! my friend texted me about it but i'm not sure if i'll have time to go see it in cinemas. hopefully it gets put on streaming sometime soon too!! i just remembered broadwayhd exists — there's so much on there that i haven't seen (that being said, if you've never seen daddy long legs the musical, i do recommend it because megan mcginnis' voice is beautiful and i just love her — although the actual musical content/plot is a bit questionable — and of course, she loves me and allegiance are also ones i'd recommend)! i didn't know they did a proshot of snapshots — john cardoza was in it and i really like him (i saw him in the notebook + really like what i've heard of him in moulin rouge + like what i heard of him in the snapshots cast recording) so i might give that a watch sometime! and i forgot they filmed the production of first date that sam barks was in! i was also just thinking of submissions only, which was a web series back in like 2012 and is pretty scrubbed from the internet now, unfortunately but i loved it. did you ever watch smash? now i'm feeling incredibly nostalgic!

oh my gosh did you have fun at les mis!!! i really liked the marius on tour (gregory lee rodriguez) — his marius is so earnest and so charming; i saw him in a show here in seattle a few years ago and i remember thinking he was a very likable actor so i was really excited to see him in les mis when i saw the tour in june! the barricade scenes are some of my favorites, but yes — lighting can be tricky! i've been meaning to rewatch the movie at some point as well, but it's so long and such a commitment. i was also ... doing a VERY good job of working at my les mis reread/annotations but then ... did not do that. so we'll see if i pick it back up or if i decide to push it off to next year haha. and no way! that's such a cool coincidence!

i really like midnights; i think it's a solid album — but i do find myself reaching for the 3am tracks over some of the songs on midnights proper a lot! it's interesting because my friends and i did a little ~ prediction ~ of our favorites based on names and i could not have been more wrong. i said lavender haze, anti hero, you’re on your own kid, question…? and sweet nothing were ones that stood out to me, and i do like them, don't get me wrong, but the only one i listen to A LOT is you're on your own kid. i think my top listened to midnights tracks/favorite midnights tracks are (in no particular order): yoyok, mastermind, the great war and dear reader. what about you?

you don't need to worry about not having anything interesting to say! i love chatting with you — you can literally come talk to me about anything you want! and you don't need to apologize for taking your time to reply either! and i'm happy to do whatever works for you reading schedule wise / buddy reading wise! i haven't watched OMITB but i've heard really good things and there's apparently a lot of broadway people cameos in the third season? which is fun!

hope you're having a good weekend 🤍 🤍 !!

[megismorallysunny]

HIHI

not too much happened, yknow that bb gun i was talking about tho or atleast i think i did, well the school didnt take it seriously just asked him if he had one and that was it, he was lucky to not have it that day. its not like i like being a snitch but my mom was asking about it and she was gonna tell the school about it and listen if anything is against apricot and he doenst know its me, then im all in if there are 1000 apricot haters im one of them if there is 1 im them and if there is 0 im dead.

anyways he keeps bullying melon which kinda sucks for her and he thinks its her who reported. anyways it was wellbeing week so we had to do stupid shit. yay. i absolutely loathe drawing pictures and ofc we just had to do that often. it really sucked. my friend made me move in cspe and then she moved away from me again i was so ready to punch her in the face. i nearly stapled her jumper together but missed.

on tuesday we had a sub for pe so basically no pe, got our test scores from maths scored a 76% twas a little disappointed but every1 got sort of that or lower except for very few. in french it was good and me and diorite somehow got onto the topic of costa and said that on friday we should have a goss sesh and drink the new maple hot chocolate (it was really good) so yeah we planned that out. in graphics our teacher said we would be starting our project which is basically worth 30% of the junior cert (yikes) but that was on wednesday we had graphics. also on wednesday our woodwork teacher came back and he collected the cbas except the sub told us these were all drafts and that we would have more time (spoiler alert we didnt) and our woodwork teacher is not a kind man. mine was pathetic. did i talk about the irish test?? i got on ok wasnt even a test tbh. i think our nurture teacher is avoiding us cuz idk but hes in but just doesnt show up and gets other teachers to sub which is weird..

ALSO on tuesday nearly missed the main event whoopsies, its kinda ironic considering wellbeing week and being healthy and shit for that but this girl in my year was so high that her hands started shaking and her eyes were rolling back, so the school called an ambulance bc (well one of my classmates who sits beside her) said that they thought she was gonna have a seizure. so scary shit, every1 was more worried about the weed pen she had rather than her getting seriously screwed up in the long run.

on wednesday we were supposed to have an irish test but then we got to have a wellbeing walk. i snuck in chocolate crisps or whatever you call them kinda felt like a fat bitch by the end so that was really mental health of me. Lapis (maybe someone i havent introduced but hes in my class) and this other guy got into a fight, idk what about bc no one will tell me but yeah. thursday was BORINGGGG we got hot chocolate but it was like 2 euro like wtf inflation im a student. like we have to pay 2 euro for good hot chocolate but they gave away a whole trolley full of laptops last year and just that day they let students take full ass monitors, computers and keyboards. even a fucking cars cannot park here sign. some dude took a laptop cover HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE A LAPTOP. friday in irish turns out the test was a real one and im waffling, im waffling dude, so badly, im straight talking out of my ass. anywayyys i did shit but its me so i tried. on tuesday me and diorite specifically told granite "DO NOT BRING APRICOT, WE ARE SPILLING GOSS, DO NOT BRING HIM"

guess what i hear when i walk in huh, check whatsapp, i do, i see the message and it says granites ditching us for apricot, and then granite says oh no im sorry and then diorite says he invited him to costa. and my mind goes red i go up to granite and i start telling him i do " DID WE NOT TELL YOU NOT TO INVITE HIM HUH??" "yess.." "AND YOU INVITED HIM?? im disappointed im really disappointed in you" anyways we still went costa without him and it was fun until apricot showed up outside granite waved and then apricot and his friends looked at us through the window and then me and diorite buck t out fo there go to penneys catch some bargains and then go to granites house and theres granite, OD, apricot and ODs friend. we say hi but then i have to go ten minutes later. also i changed in the tesco bathrooms and i looked rly fucking hot ok. also me and diorite held an entire conversation in irish so like go me yesss. anyways good morning, day and night.

[poetinacity]

Days With You

Woke up on a Sunday

Your t-shirt over me

Saw the time, it was 5.58

Turned around and saw you sleeping soundly

Your little lips parted letting out the air

Smiled to myself thinking how this came to be

Yesterday you were a dream and now watch you be all dreamy

Held you close, breathing in your sweet smell

You smiled a little and put your hand in my hair

Woke up on a Monday

Felt your arms around me

Had to let go but almost didn't want to leave

You whined in your sleep and tried to hold on to me

I kissed your cheek and told you have to go baby

Came out of the shower and saw you weren't in your bed

Smiled to myself cuz i knew where you exactly might be

Got dressed, went to the kitchen and saw you make my morning tea

Told me all your plans for the day while i munched on the food you made for me

Middle of Tuesday

And I already feel exhausted

My eyes search for you but I know you're not here

Saw the time it was lunch, time to have some time with friends

My mind wanders to you, you might be a little busy

Took my chance and texted, cuz i just couldn't anymore resist

2 seconds later my phone ringed, told my friends "go ahead, it's a call from him"

Heard your voice and felt you took all my worries away

You told me you missed me and I felt my heart skip a beat

It's not one sided, he loves me, just had an epiphany

Evening on a Wednesday

And i still have so much to do

Oh, how I wish if i could just already see you

Heard my friends giggle on the other side of the room,

One of them told me, they were looking down waving at you

I rushed outside and saw you stand with some snacks

You told me i thought you'd be hungry and they also left me early

Took you inside made you meet all my friends,

Took you away cuz I wanted you all by myself

I offered you could leave since i had a lot to do,

You told me you'd wait for me i don't want to be without you

Had an epiphany it's not one sided and you love me too

Pouring rain on a Thursday

And I couldn't leave

Called you I'd be late, you don't have to wait for me

My friends offered a ride but I couldn't take it

Regretted it cuz the rain didn't want to be easy on me

But you knew I can't ask for help so you pulled in front of the street

Saw your car and suddenly relief washed over me

You shook your head as you saw running to you

I said "you're a life saver! What I'd do without you, I love you, OMG!"

We froze on the spot and suddenly the rain stopped too

You asked me to say it again and I whispered again in viridity

You came closer, melted your lips into me

Told me you loved me too, it was real this time and not an epiphany

White clouds on a Friday

But I felt like a rainbow

I could still feel your touch and your confession in my veins

My friends all ask me why my face is glowing

I tell them nothing but they catch the lie slowly

My heart beats a little faster now and my stomach has butterflies

The petrichor from the rain reminds me of you now each time

A smile dances on my lips as I make a call to you

You pick up in a heartbeat making me die in felicity

I tell you I love you and you say it back to me

This was all real it wasn't an epiphany

Night on a Saturday

You decided to binge a show tonight

Picked up a random and your eyes had that light

We cuddle and your touch starts to electrify

Before we knew it, the movie was just a background noise

We kiss and laugh and kiss again,

You say something funny while you make me yours again

Cuddled to each other, I pulled your t-shirt off the floor

You told me I look dreamy with only your clothes on

I blushed to myself and you pulled me in

Told me you'd love me always

That's when I slept right on your chest

I hope you spent all your days like this around me

One day you'll get down on your knee, just had an epiphany

[cruisinfdr]

[sharuruwrites]

Bread?

Summary: An assassin questioned the artist where she got the audacity to touch him so freely.

Tags: Fem!Reader x Toji, Reader got drunk, Reader's friend is concerned about your roommate, Toji in denial stage, Tension so thick, Slight Dubcon, Body worship (male receiving), mention of sex and alcohol, unedited

Words: 1.6k

A/N: In celebration of everyone's favorite dilf, Toji Fushuiguro, and my friend asked me when's part two of Rent or Model. Also, I do apologize that it felt rushed, and this is something I want to get it out of my head.

This oneshot is inspired by my cousin's comment on a kpop idol's abs back when I was still a kpop fan almost a decade ago. She told me if she could, she would like to bite into idol's abs because they look like a pack of dinner rolls. So, thanks cuz if you stumble upon this fic! (^u^)>

Note: Aki isn't related to the one in CSM, but the name just popped up to my head.

Masterlist

---------------------------

"Dumbass," Your friend, Aki, looked at you. "Heh, you dislike called one, yet you respond to it."

Aki furrowed his brows, bringing the lid of his beer mug to his lips. "I hope you trip on your own shoelaces."

His threat caused you to chuckle. Almost a decade worth of friendship was enough to tell you that he didn't mean anything by it. If anything, you knew him so well that you have tales to tell that could make or break with his future partner.

"Anyways," Aki took the chance to talk in hopes of changing the subject. "What's with the sudden hang out? You barely went out unless you're shopping for groceries."

To be honest, your roommate, Toji Zen'in, was currently away on a mission. He didn't gave you an exact date he would be back as its been already a week. The only good side of his absence was the lack of noises you heard from his room throughout the nights of Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Why those specific days? You don't know as it's not your business who would be in Toji's bed.

Does Aki know you're living with someone who kills people for a living? No

Does your friend know you posted an roommate advertisement in some shady ass website? No

Does he know Toji's usual nightlife? No

If Aki knew about your roommate, he would turn his mothering and nagging up to its max settings. You appreciate his concern, but, honestly, his way of thinking was too normal for you. You needed something or someone that could spice up your mundane life.

Hence, the impulsive decision to get a roommate. So far, Toji was reliable enough when it comes to doing chores. But, you learned not to trust him shopping for groceries with your money.

Only for you to find out that he threw the money away on those horses and jockey. To be fair, he did win the highest bid on that day, treat you to dinner at a fancy restaurant in Aoyama.

"What can you say?" You swirled your glass of whiskey, the ice cubes clinked to one another. "I thought of changing my routine for once."

"Right…" Aki said, not believing you as he took a sip of his beer. "You didn't invite me because you're missing someone?"

Shit. Were you that obvious?!

"You kept looking at your phone at least ten times in thirty minutes." Aki added. "So? Who?"

An image of Toji's soft smile popped into your head. In response to both your friend's question, you shook your head.

"There's no one." You took another sip of your drink. "I'm content with being single for the rest of my life."

That's right. It would be better for you anyway. Yet, thinking about it left a bitter taste in your tongue.

And, that's the beauty of alcohol came in, to make you forget about it by drinking.

-------------------------------------------------

It's been 7 days since he left.

168 hours had passed since the last time his roommate saw him.

30 minutes he spent traveling from the airport to see you at your shared apartment.

Surely, nothing would change within a week, right?

"Who the fuck are you?"

The question left from Toji's lips upon seeing an unfamiliar man coming out of your room. He's average looking at its finest. It didn't helped that the black thick frames of his glasses sold the mundane look.

A new roommate? For fuck's sake, Toji knew you could and would be impulsive with your decisions, especially what happened last month from your request to be his model. But, seriously, it had to be a fuck buddy of yours?!

The bespectacled man sneered at him. "Who the fuck are you?"

"I asked you first."

"I asked you second."

Toji sighed, near the end of his patience. "I'm her roommate, Toji Zen'in."

He almost gagged on the spot after he said his last name.

"Aki Sakamoto, I'm a friend of the weirdo who's currently sleeping now." The bespectacled man crossed his arms, glancing at the door to your room. "How come she didn't tell me about having a roommate? I'll ask her the next time we meet."

"What? You're jealous?"

"Nope, that idiot is too weird for my type." Aki scrunched his face in disgust, sticking his tongue out afterwards. " I knew her long enough that if I date her, I feel like I'm committing incest."

Upon hearing the latter's words, Toji crossed out the possibility of you and Aki being fuck buddies. That's gre- Wait…Why did he felt a sense of relief from your roommate's words? That couldn't be right.

Maybe just maybe. Once you slept with him, the crush weird feelings he had on you would be gone within a snap of his fingers.

"Thanks for looking out on this weirdo in my behalf." Aki slightly bowed a little. "Despite how nonchalant she is, she does get a little lonely from time to time."

"No need for thanks." Toji waved his hand dismissively. "I enjoy the special company she brings."

Toji snorted at the sight of your friend's disgusted expression. "And, that's my cue to leave you with the drunk weirdo."

After your friend left the apartment, Toji chose to linger at your room. He began to think on the words that Aki told him earlier as he brushed off a stray strand of your hair from your face.

Honestly, it shouldn't surprised him, but it did. It's hard to tell especially with the eccentric outlook you had towards in life. Maybe, you did express it at some point throughout the months he lived with you. His job as an assassin prevented him from contacting you, or telling you when he would be back.

Because of it, you always ended up waiting for him.

He knew couldn't always be there for you, but heavens knew he would raise hell if something bad happens to you because of him.

His train of thoughts were derailed when he heard you groan from your sleep. He watched your eyes fluttered open as you try to sit up on your bed.

"Toji? Ish…zhat..you?" The alcohol in your system slurred your words. "I neeeeeed you…."

With a small smile and hands on his waist, Toji asked. "What is it that you need from me, doll?"

Without any word, you jumped onto him, throwing off Toji's balance. You both fell on the wooden floor with a heavy thud.

Fortunately for you, you landed on top of your roommate. As for Toji, he couldn't tell if it's a blessing or a curse to have you straddled on him. The disheveled look didn't help either. Your shirt was too big for you, showing the strap of your bra on one of your shoulder.

"Toji~" You sang his name, grasping the ends of his shirt. "I'll take a quick peek of it, okay?"

Winking at him, you pulled his shirt up, revealing his well toned muscles.

Your index finger lazily traced the outline of his defined abdominal muscles. Eliciting a groan from Toji much to his dismay. He bit his lip to prevent any more sounds coming from him as your lips became dangerously closer towards his stomach.

It took every ounce of his will to restrain the temptation to flipped you over and took you on the floor. His pants became tighter with frustration when your hand accidentally brushed against one of his thighs.

Fuck! Why was he acting like some horny teenager right now?!

"If I bite into this," You looked up, meeting his gaze while giving a quick lick to your lips. "Will it be firm?"

Before anything else could happen, whether it would escalate into sex or not, you passed out. Toji shook your body a couple times, only for him to confirm you're dead asleep from the soft snores he kept hearing.

Once he tucked you back in bed, Toji released probably the biggest sigh in his life. The frustration he felt knew he would have to spent a long time in the cold shower later.

'What the fuck did I do in my past life to experience this?'

-------------------------------------------------

The next day had arrived, and not so surprisingly, you woke up with a banging headache like someone ran you over with a truck.

Maybe you did, and by some miracle, you came out of the ER unscathed. Man, that would be one hell of a story to tell to Aki.

As you got out of your room, you gave your arms and legs a nice long stretch before noticing your roommate. He's currently sitting at the living room, but you noticed the slight dark circles underneath his eyes.

"Morning," You yawned loudly as you wiped the tears from your eyes before rubbing them. "You're back…how was the mission?"

Instead of an answer, he replied with a question of your own.

"Do you remember anything last night?"

"Let's see…I knew I went out drinking with Aki…" You closed your eyes, trying to recollect any memories that happened after your stupidity took over your senses. "My brain got fucked over by four full glasses of shochu, then I don't remember after that…"

Once you opened your eyes, it landed on a brown paper bag. It's sitting nicely on your dining table. Suddenly, you remembered what happened next.

"Oh!" You exclaimed, pulling out a a single piece of bread roll from the brown paper bag. "We went to a bakery for me to get something for today's breakfast, and then- Toji? What's the matter?"

"Nothing," Toji shook his head. "I'm a bit tired from yesterday's mission."

"Then, let me take care of today's breakfast…unless you want to get take out." You scratched your cheek. "I just remember I have a commission due next week."

'Out of all the people, it had to be this oblivious weirdo.' Toji thought.

[sebyplay]

after a week of knowing everything how el died and how lucas went missing and suspected to be dead, broke max heart she tried to smile but it always fade by just remembering the two person who made her cold heart warm is dead, everything change and also the surrounding for her...

max: i might be blind and paralyze but i could sence this is not the hawkins anymore.

her mom heard max while driving and replied: this is still the hawkins max it was just fix by the goverment.

max left a sigh and replied, yeah... but not the same as before, said with a cold expression. her mom knows its going to be hard for her because of the injury she had when theres an "earthquick" and specially when her two friends are dead, after a few minutes max mom stop the car and got out to get her daughter wheelchair. when max is on her wheelchair she felt something different.

max: hey mom, is there someone in here exept us?

max mom whos opening the door quickly turn around to look if someone's there but its just them and the dog.

max mom: no honey, its just us and the dog why is there somrthing wrong?

max: no, no everything is fine, lets go.

but max knew someone is there, she felt it behind her back. she didnt mind it first, but weeks past she suddenly felt something differently like-her sences become so stong. one time when her mom going to buy some food she felt something bad about to happened, she told her mom not to go she doesnt feel like its safe, her mom listen to her and after an hour theres a fire happened in a market no one survive, she thought it was just a coincidence but things starting to felt like its not anymore.

she decided to call steve, nancy, robin, dustin, mike, and will to go to her house and tell everything, they were shock because this is new to them, mike decided to test her, he grab something to her kitchen and slided it on her hand but remove it fast.

mike: if its true that your sences are going stronger then before what did i slided in your hand?

everyone is waiting for her answered and not even a second later she answered mike question,

max: its a wooden spoon.

everyone including mike was shock because it is a wooden spoon that mike slide in her hand, nancy quickly grab a ruler.

nancy: max do you feel like your reflexes are fast?

max: yes, my mom was making a sandwich last thursday, the bread almost fall but i catch it on time.

nancy sigh and then drop the ruler without a warning, max start to have a tingle and Immediately grab it before it falls. nancy was amazed so does everybody suddenly dustin shouted

dustin: that is so cool max, its like your spiderman- NO your like daredevil!

steve and nancy look at him: whos daredevil?

dustin: wait- you dont know him?

nancy: should we?

robin answer steve and nancy: daredevil is a character from a comic, his blind but he have a fast reflexed, his hearing is strong and he can sence danger also a great fighter and more.

nancy and steve: ohhh, okay

max sence that mike and will are so quite and there heart beat is so fast and they are breathing heavily this time

max proceed to ask them: mike,will are you guys okay your heart beat and breathing seems so fast and heavy.

mike and will stutter and replied to max: WHAT?

max: i said "your heart beat and breathing seems so fast and heavy." are you guys okay?

everyone look at mike and will

will : y-yeah! were fine were just...

mike: shock about this! cuz this is the first time we will experience this after 1988

will: yeah! his right.

max know something was off, there heart- beat is wrong and she could tell there lying to her but she didnt say anything and just said oh okay, both of them exhale and at that moment max knew they were hiding someting.

(you can add some lines up if you reblog it😉)

[cheelseaaaa]

Corndog Obsession

Pairings: (Platonic)cap's Quartet x Reader + (Platonic)Scott lang

Summary: Craving for corndogs, Y/N had thought of a brilliant idea to find and eat one

Warnings: None,

Word count: 559

A/N: English is not my first language.

a friend wrote this story, and I'm posting it. He thinks it sucks but I think it's good. So, what do you think?

Masterlist

⊱ ──────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ──────── ⊰

You got up early in the morning. You went straight to the couch after getting a fresh cup of coffee. Turned the TV on for some morning news.

It was but an ordinary day.

You suddenly caught a glimpse in your peripheral vision. You turned that way to see what was going on. It was Natasha, Steve, Bucky, and Sam prepping up for a morning run. “You coming, Y/N?” Nat asked, “Nah, I’m good. I’ll just eat breakfast.” you replied. “Suit yourself,” Steve said as they all exited the compound to go to the park for their run.

“Welp, I should grab something to eat.” You said to yourself. You went to the kitchen to grab something to eat. It seems that nothing fascinates your appetite. You suddenly got the thought of craving a corndog as if someone whispered into your ears to go get a corndog.

You started to wonder where could you possibly get a corndog. A light bulb goes on in your head. You have thought of a brilliant idea. You decided that you want to join the others with their morning run with a hidden motive to find a corndog cart in the park.

You immediately got dressed and went outside. Fortunately, you were able to catch up to them. “On your left!” You said catching up with them. “It looks like you changed your mind,” Nat smirked. “A new change in lifestyle I see?” Sam said. You nod while looking from right to left looking for the jackpot. You didn’t get to hear what the others said because you are too focused on your goal.

It has been 25 minutes and still no sign on any corndog stand. You all rested on a bench for a water break. You almost lost your hope when suddenly, you caught a familiar aroma. You stood up from the bench and faced the direction of the scent. Voila, A corndog cart just arrived.

“What’s up Y/N?” Nat asked after she noticed you acting strange. She sees that you’re facing the corndog cart. “Wait… you’re not thinking that-“she was cut off when you suddenly rushed to the cart. Steve grabbed your arm “I thought you wanted a change in lifestyle?’ He spoke. “You were even nodding that time!” Sam and Bucky said to you. “I am not actually listening, sorry!” You slipped away from Steve’s hand.

As you were about to take another step, Natasha grabbed your hand. “Let me go.” You said “No…” she replied. “It’s okay,” you said as you let go of her hand.

You finally ran to the cart and got a corndog. As you were gonna take a bite from your corndog, Scott grew to normal size from your shoulder. He took your corndog and started eating. “Thanks for the corndog!” You froze and had a moment to think. “So, you were the one who told me to get a corndog. I thought it was my conscience.” You said, “I am your conscience. And as your conscience, I asked you to get a corndog. Surprised that it actually worked. Cuz here I am eating one.”

You don’t mind Scott taking your Corndog because the cart is still there. So, you got another one. Soon you realized that you forgot your wallet. “Hmph, I’ll pay…” Nat sighed. After that, the others got themselves a corndog too.

⊱ ──────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ──────── ⊰

A/N: Feedback is very much appreciated. I am posting every Monday and Thursday around 3am EST.

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, APRIL 30, 1990 I just got back from therapy and I’m at the store now.

We went to the Pub Friday and Saturday night. We saw Kacey. She was dancing with Linda who called a couple of times asking questions. I told her like it is. Or like it was.

I saw Tracy too, (not Fran’s friend) and we were talking for a while. Can you believe she’s still with her lover Nancy?! That’s a long fucking time. She said she just got lucky and she too, was about to give up thinking she’d never ever get a girlfriend. Yeah, well I’m still not stupid. I know what’s destined for me and what’s not.

There were some very feminine girls there too, who were mostly straight, of course. One was both ways, though, but seemed the least bit interested in me. Another girl, who was gorgeous, was with another girl but she kept eyeing me. She was weird, though, and I don’t know if the looks she was giving me were sexual and perhaps violent, too. It looked it. Or maybe she was on something. People are weird and very confusing. Andy says she was checking me out for future reference cuz she can’t be with that girl forever which may be true, but will God let me have someone looking like that? Even if I got her she probably wouldn’t be around too long and may be a liar, thief and a druggie.

Then I met this girl, Cherrie, who’s pretty, but she and the guy she lives with, who Andy knows too, are coke addicts and they’re also into threesomes and orgies. No way could I ever dig that!

After the Pub on Saturday night, we went to Longmeadow and egged a dozen cars. When I told Martha about it and why I did it she was actually amused by it. I told her that since I behave so damn well most of the time, I felt I was entitled. Also, I get so much anger built up inside cuz of the way people are and how life is a lot of the time that I feel the need to lash out periodically. I’m tired of having to be perfect while everyone else fucks up and gets away with it. No more Ms. Nice Girl, although I’ll never do a fraction of what most people do.

It’s freezing in here. Carl’s supposed to be on his way to fix the heater.

FRIDAY, APRIL 27, 1990 I made it to work exactly on time. In fact, I was 3 minutes early. This guy just came into the store that I would’ve flipped head over heels for if I was straight. He was very good-looking.

Last night, after I finally got home, I watched Twin Peaks and took a shower. You could see I got massive color from the beach. Jai noticed it immediately, but it was mostly on the front side since it was just too cold to lie on my stomach.

Later…

This guy just came in and right away my ESP said he was trouble. He came up to the register with two cans of soda, and as I was ringing them up, he quickly snatched my lighter. I simply grabbed his wrist, took the lighter out of his hand and said, “You want a lighter, you ask, and it’s 59¢.”

Patrick, this regular customer, asked me if I had a boyfriend and when I said I was gay he confessed that he was bi and had been to the Pub and the Frontier before. It’s amazing how many people out there are gay or bi or have thought about it. Andy would definitely be attracted to this guy. I know his type.

THURSDAY, APRIL 26, 1990 At last, we are on our way to the beach! We’ve been dying to get here. We’ll be there in about half an hour. I’m totally starving so we’re gonna stop first at the old Cumberland Farms right outside the gate that enters the beach.

I wonder what the fuck Mom and Dad plan on doing with the cottage? I really hope they don’t sell it, or if they do, I hope they at least give it to Tammy and Bill and let it stay in the family.

Later…

My parents do have their cottage up for sale. Andy’s is for sale, too.

It was fucking freezing! We were so pissed! I did get some color, but not a whole heck of a lot cuz I couldn’t put up with being so cold that both me and Andy put our shirts and pants on and then we even had to put our coats on too. It got cold fast and foggy, too.

We went to see Mrs. Labriola, an old lady I’ve known since I was a kid. She looked good, but for some reason, I can’t help but feel she doesn’t have too much time left.

After that, we went to the Ames department store in Old Saybrook. I bought two tube tops, a shirt, and Opium scented lotion, but it’s awful.

Then we went to Tammy’s. She looks ok but seems stressed out. I think it’s got something to do with Bill. Lisa looks great, and Becky is turning out to be so cute!

TUESDAY, APRIL 24, 1990 Right now I am watching Matlock. Next is In the Heat of the Night, and lastly (I hope it’s still on), is Midnight Caller.

After work today I laid out on the back porch and I did get a faint trace of color. Better some than none.

This Thursday Andy and I are going to the beach!!! On the way back I guess we’re gonna stop at Tammy’s.

MONDAY, APRIL 23, 1990 I’m at the store now. Saturday I had a blast. I met Paula on Friday, then Saturday I went over to her place like I did Friday after work. Saturday night, Andy and I went to the Enfield Mall where I finally got the jacket of my dreams for $86. It’s black suede with fringes. It’s beautiful!

SUNDAY, APRIL 22, 1990 I came into the store to relieve Dotty and just a few minutes ago Joel came in and I asked him in Spanish if he spoke Spanish and he nodded. Then about 30 seconds later, he goes, “What did you say?” I said that I had told him that I spoke Spanish too, and he nodded. Then he said, “I nodded as if it was just anyone speaking, but I didn’t expect it from you.”

It’s amazing how most Spanish people are surprised if an American speaks it. They usually expect it from only other Spanish people.

I’ll be here from 3-7.

I ran into Paula B at the store the other day who’s a year younger than me, and gorgeous with nice white teeth and dark hair and eyes. She’s flaky, though. She’s part Italian. She’s on disability like Fran, Stuart, Bobbie and myself, and has a 2-year-old son, Robert. I don’t think she really enjoys being a mom, though.

I knew her from the Harley Hotel. She bullied everyone but me around till she got fired. We were both housekeepers there 5 years ago. I worked there for 16 months. She lives a few buildings away, and I stopped up to see her earlier.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 18, 1990 I woke up to the landlord ringing the doorbell to check the thermostat, and I looked at the clock that I forgot to set before going to bed last night and said, oh shit! I thought for sure I was fired and I said to myself, “If you lose this one, you have no one to blame but yourself.” But everything’s ok.

The landlord said he had to readjust the anticipator, whatever the hell that means. Then I told him I was sorry for the mess in here and he laughed saying, “I thought it looked pretty good.”

I’m glad he thinks so. I have so much clutter and so many dishes to do. He came in last week, noticed my hall light was out and changed the bulb which was really nice.

TUESDAY, APRIL 17, 1990 Here I am at the store again, and I’m finally waking up fully now. I fell asleep last night at 10:15 and got up at 7:15. I would’ve gone to sleep earlier, but I ended up over at Steve’s and we had a great talk. He is the most positive and understanding person. Why are all the good people either straight, gay and taken, gay and uninterested, or guys? I know Springfield’s the wrong place to be if you’re looking for an attractive, feminine woman who’s decent anyway. The whole state is mostly full of jerks, be they male, female, gay or straight.

MONDAY, APRIL 16, 1990 I am at the store once again after only sleeping 1½ hours, but that’s my fault cuz yesterday I slept all damn day.

Last night I was so fucking horny for Kacey. She was fantastic in bed. I wished I could call her up and ask if we could just have sex here and there, but it wouldn’t be purely sexual cuz we do like each other and are attracted to each other, and we wouldn’t have to spend days or even a whole night together cuz she doesn’t want commitment and neither do I. It’s gonna be years before I’m ever gonna be ready to consider another short-term relationship. I also know God would only allow me to be with someone very briefly, anyway, like 2-4 weeks and that’s ok, but I hope the next woman is my type like Kacey was and just as attractive if not more. I’ll never be with anyone. I may not have a child, but I don’t know for sure. It’s too soon to say, but if I ever do, it’ll be years from now. But I am not gonna give up my music, no matter what.

People say to me when I’m not singing well, oh, it’s only a temporary setback. Well, I have too many setbacks. Why oh why can’t I fucking quit smoking?!

Later…

I can’t believe how dead this store is. It usually is, but now it’s deader than dead. The kids are all on school vacation, therefore, I figured it would be busier, but I guess they’re all sleeping in late. It’ll pick up later, though I hope it doesn’t. I’m exhausted.

I wanna get laid so bad! To fantasize is always my favorite way so I can have it just the way I want it with someone gorgeous who accepts me and loves me for what and who I am, but since the “in” thing these days is just sex, it would be nice once in a while with someone as good in bed as Kacey was and with her personality, too. And looks too, naturally. The day I settle for someone who’s both ugly and a jerk or someone that’s right for me who’s ugly, or a beautiful asshole is the day I win the lottery. Gotta have my cake and eat it too, no matter what.

Later…

I wish 3:00 would hurry the fuck up and get here.

Steve just came in and bought $8 worth of stuff, and I forgot to give him my keys to forward my line in case that girl tries to call.

I called the Harley to see what kind of reference they’d give, and all the general manager said, whom I never knew, was that I worked there and gave the dates. He said he didn’t feel it was right to say anything more since he wasn’t there when I was there. He also said that if I, who gave a false name and business, of course, wanted any more information I had to mail him a company letter and then get my permission for a release of information.

Louis said he called there and the manager had said I was a good worker.

Later…

Why does everyone hit the store at once!?! I mean, really! As soon as someone comes to the window, someone knocks on the door, then, someone else comes to the window. Or, someone comes to the window and you get them what they want as two more people come to the window. Then you ask the first person if that’s all they want, they say yes and you go to wait on the second person, then the first person wants something else. Another thing is that as soon as the phone rings or I go to make a call or to the bathroom, someone just has to come in.

Is God testing my patience?

FRIDAY, APRIL 13, 1990 Good God was I tired this morning! I didn’t fall asleep till almost 3:30 again. No noise kept me up. It’s just that I’m a night person. Always have been, always will be.

Yesterday I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. Just the rapists and murderers. I had the worst period cramps in a long, long time and had to leave yesterday at noon. Maybe it’s cuz I’ve gained 5 pounds. Shit, it looks like I’ve gained 10 and I think I have a hideous shape, although people think I’m nuts when I say that. Anyway, the more I weigh, the worse my cramps are.

I’m really enjoying this job, even though I sit here doing nothing 90% of the time. I see no difference between sitting at home or sitting here.

I spoke with Steve and Jai briefly yesterday, and Steve should be stopping in soon. His ex-wife is really doing a number on him or trying to, and in this case, I have to admit it’s the woman who’s fucked up.

Although I’ll always be attracted to women, and we all know they’re far less brutal than men, I’m starting to be a little turned off myself. I don’t trust them as much anymore. I mean, they’re supposed to be calling the 900-line cuz they want to meet someone, right? So, why do they always give you the wrong number then? Or no number? Or set up a time to meet and not show up? What’s the fucking point? Do they just get a kick out of leading someone on? Well, it’s my turn now. If this girl Lisa shows up this Sunday, that is. She sounds pretty sane compared to most and I like the idea of someone not too close (she’s from Fairfield, CT), but I’m just not ready to get involved and if I ever am able to get involved, it’s not gonna be for many, many years. Maybe occasional sex here and there, but that’s only if we click right away and if she’s gorgeous, though I doubt I’ll meet someone all that gorgeous unless she’s straight, gay and taken, or gay and not interested. But either way, it’s not worth the hassles, and I find I really want to be alone more and more as time passes. I’m so used to it, too. And again, I’m usually too moody. I get scared. I know it’s bullshit if they say they care and have feelings for me. And they don’t want to get to know you. They’d rather watch TV, go to the movies, read a book, eat dinner, and meanwhile, you remain very calm and say nothing about yourself and don’t dare mention music, cuz it’s in one ear and out the other one. You simply talk about your sexual appearance, if you speak about yourself at all, then they’re gone.

Later…

I feel so much better today. No cramps, though I woke up pretty damn congested, but what do you expect when you only sleep 3 hours?

I tried to call Steve, but his computer was hooked up to the phone.

I’m amazed that the second my alarm goes off, I hear it instantly. I’m not on any medication. When I was, I could never wake up to it, but now I can, even with just a few hours of sleep.

Louis is such a nice guy. He and I have the same personal feelings about how much easier it is to be alone. He told me not to tell anyone, but that he was in the funny farm for a while. I told him I was, too. He’s very encouraging and cheerful. Practically all my fears of working have vanished. I’m a little tired in the morning until I have my coffee. I like this job even though it’s dead. Better dead than a zoo, like I said before. And it’s under the table even though it’s only $3.50, but any bit will help. And I don’t have to take buses.

Later…

Well, only 3 more hours to go. I got 19 hours in, so that’s $68.35. Pay day’s Friday.

Dotty’s son Chad’s here doing his laundry. He has to work after I leave in a few hours. He just woke up. I told him he could go back home and that I’d finish his laundry.

Maybe Betty, the woman next door in the salon, can trim my hair after work. It hasn’t been trimmed in 15 months and needs a good inch hacked off. I want it one length. It’ll take a while to get it even, but it’s a hell of a rat’s nest. If I could get a dollar for every split end I have, I’d be rich.

Later…

Two more hours to go. I guess Andy and I are going shopping later. I hate grocery shopping, though I really need to go. I still have to get my food stamps first.

Tracy, and possibly Bobbie too, are supposed to be coming over later tonight. If for some reason they don’t, I’m gonna tell Tracy to just mail the $10 I loaned her. I’m not waiting any longer for it. I should’ve known better, though, than to give it to her. I’m gonna try and call her now.

THURSDAY, APRIL 12, 1990 I was about to write, then had to stop to wait on a few people. Now it won’t pick up again till noon and right around 3:00 when everyone gets out of school.

Both Andy and Nervous stopped in yesterday.

I hope everything’s ok with Steve. I know he’s been working his ass off at the base like crazy cuz of an inspection. But last night around 9:30, as I was trying to fall asleep, my doorbell rang. It was a cop who gave Steve a summons. For what, I have no idea. This cop was nice and I could tell he liked me, but if I was straight I could never get a cop. I never could get people with certain jobs like lawyers, doctors, or anything like that. And women seem to want ugly or plain-looking women.

Andy says that yes, butch wants fem, but fem wants fem, too. Well, that’s not what I’ve noticed. That’s why Stacey wasn’t interested in me. She wants butchy. I’m glad, though, that that’s the way it turned out cuz she wasn’t my type. Again, she’s not ugly, but she doesn’t turn me on either. We had met at Andy’s NA meeting (Andy’s a pothead), and I’m not really cool with the idea of seeing an alcoholic, anyway.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11, 1990 Well, I am at the store now. Louis has finally gotten his full-time trucking job so now I’m here full-time, Monday-Friday. I just finished calling in the milk order. I got here at 7:30, but last night I didn’t fall asleep till 3:30 cuz I’m a night person and the fucking drug dealers wouldn’t shut up. What is this neighborhood coming to? It’s getting to be just like Oswego Street!

Ito, this 12-year-old kid who’s skipping school is here with me. We played a game of concentration. He’s a nice kid. The store sure is dead though. Everyone’s either in school or working. Maybe when Carl’s here at noon to get Ito to go shopping for store supplies, I can run up to my place to get some laundry. The washer and dryers are good here and I’ve got nothing better to do.

I wonder if Nervous will stop in later? I told him he could.

Dotty just stopped in. She works weekends and after I leave at 5:00.

SATURDAY, APRIL 7, 1990 I had a very good talk with Dad on his birthday. He enjoyed his tape and the card I made him and also the pictures I sent him that Kacey took. Yes, Ma still sounded quite grumpy. Tammy said she did, too.

Ok, I just put on a tape of Juice Newton in the kitchen.

Can you believe it’s snowing out there again? Anyone who lives around here probably can. I mean, that’s New England for you. We’ve been having crazy weather.

Guess what I got? Another guinea pig. This one’s huge!! Ten times bigger than any other one I’ve had before. I named him Tiger cuz that’s what his big furry face reminds me of. He’s so unusually friendly and calm, though, just like Toffee is. They seem to like each other, too. They’re each in a 10-gallon cage right next to each other where they can see each other.

It’s a lot easier to clean two small cages, rather than one big one, and a 10-gallon is certainly too small for more than one pig. I got him yesterday when I was out with Jessie.

I went to Food Fart with her, then we went to Friendly’s and couldn’t resist getting one of the egg and cheese specials, so I got one and I was fine! I’m thrilled! Plus, I really do feel much better since I got the antibiotic. Yes, I’m still a little stuffy and congested but I will be as long as I continue to smoke and who knows if I’ll ever quit? It’s great not always having to take my inhaler, though, or feeling like I’m gonna suffocate to death or have a heart attack.

I wonder what’s up with Steve? I haven’t heard from him in a while. Jessie says he changed his schedule. I gotta call Tracy and Fran and a few other people today. Nervous will call later. He called yesterday but I was asleep so the machine got it. Later, I’ll write about the piano and that 900-line.

THURSDAY, APRIL 5, 1990 Well, a few things have happened since right before therapy last Monday. Therapy was off to a rough start but then it ended fairly well. Martha’s really nice and she really does care, but she doesn’t quite understand me like Trisha did.

Hank didn’t show up so I got a little cash and went to McDonald’s myself.

Tuesday I received my fuel assistance check for the month of February and am still waiting for January and March.

Today I went down to see Dr. McGovern and he’s given me amoxicillin for 10 days. Already I feel a great difference! Thank fucking God! I have a sinus infection and bronchitis due to major congestion.

Me and Jessie called Mom cuz Jessie wanted to ask her if she still has any of those French-cut bikinis left like the black and blue one with glitter I have. She wore it when we went to the hotel. Ma sounded very grumpy and snobby. I guess she’s been sick and she herself is on an antibiotic. She said Dad got his tape.

I left another message on the 900-line. My main intention is to hurt people and screw them over. I know it sounds cruel and I don’t want to do it, but I feel I have to. I feel it’s owed to me. It’s my turn for once to lead people on.

MONDAY, APRIL 2, 1990 Well, when I finally fell asleep yesterday I had been up just about 24 hours, so I’m wide awake now and not too stuffed up since I slept with my humidifier on. I’ll just have to watch the cigarettes. I slept from 6:30 PM to 2 AM. Then around 2:30, I called Andy who was talking to his friend Brian, but he went to sleep right after he was done. He’s got to work today.

Andy left a good 10 minutes or so of his pitiful singing on my machine, but it was so funny. I strongly believe, though, that if a person loves to sing, they should sing, whether they’re good or not.

I briefly spoke to Steve, but he was talking to someone long distance and then he went to bed, too.

Why the hell is everyone awake when I’m asleep and dead to the world when I’m awake?

Nervous left a message on my machine saying he’ll call me today. I haven’t heard from Jessie or Fran, and I guess Tracy’s in Philly till Wednesday.

Well, Dad’s birthday is Thursday. Same day as court. I sent him a tape I made of songs from Linda and Gloria. Side A is Linda. Side B is Gloria.

I’ve got therapy at 10:00, and when I get out I may meet with Hank. He called yesterday like he does every now and then and he sounded good. Says he misses my music and temper tantrums.

Later…

I started making a Gloria medley. Right now I’m listening to a tape of Fran calling Nervous trying to convince him that Nervo’s line is cutting off his and pretending to be the phone company. This is last summer when he had a phone. I can hear Nervous getting so Nervous choking on his breath and spitting as he swears at Fran and Fran swears back saying he’s gonna send the phone company out to his apartment.

Maybe I’ll call Emily and see if she’s up. I haven’t heard from her in a long time, of course, but what else is new? How often does she call me anyway?

Later…

When am I gonna get the bus schedule straight? I stood outside at the stop on my street needlessly for 15 minutes. I should be there at 9:15. Oh well. Fresh air never hurt and I couldn’t fucking breathe. Of course, I forgot my inhaler.

I hope to hell Hank remembers to show up so I can eat first, before withdrawing cash but either way I have to pull out cash cuz my food stamps don’t come till the 11th and I need food. Badly. Very badly.

SUNDAY, APRIL 1, 1990 Last night I just watched a little TV, then talked with Jai some.

I spoke with Tracy, too. I was totally impressed with her drumming. She used to play the drums and so she drummed with her hands on the table when she was here to some music, and it was great. I hope she’ll be the drummer in my band someday, cuz not only is she very good, but I also like the idea of a female drummer, even though she’s a butch. A major butch. So, so ugly, too.

My rhythm has always been my weakest area of music, but I sure can easily see when someone else has it down pat.

Earlier I went to the store I work at to get a few things and chatted for a few moments with Carl who owns the place with Louis.

I’m gonna try to sleep as late as I can cuz I have to be wide awake tomorrow for therapy, then I’ll be working tomorrow.

[ssa-babygirl]

Out of My League [Part 1]

Pairing: High school!Spencer Reid x Popular!Reader

Word count: 3.7k (god i don’t shut up do i)

Summary: Spencer begins tutoring you in chemistry, and the two of you bond (I would say no pun intended but fuck it that was GOOD so I’ll say pun intended)

Warning(s): Mentions of bullying, mental illness, some swearing, I made one joke about herpes??? sorry if thats a sore spot with anyone, light angst and pining, Reader POV

Author’s Note: Here it is, folks!! The first official part! I’ so grateful for all the feedback I got on the prologue, I’m glad y’all are liking it, I hope you like this part just as much!! Next part I’m gonna have some baby spencer, and by that I mean whole ass adult spencer that just looks baby

[Previous Part] [Series Masterlist]

You absolutely despised chemistry. It’s boring. It’s simultaneously stupid and ridiculously complicated. You weren’t dumb, you were a decent student in all your other classes, but science was never your strong suit. You preferred literature over litmus paper any day. Unfortunately, your failing grade was bringing down your entire GPA, just below the requirement for you to stay on the cheerleading squad. Your coach recommended you get a tutor, or else you were off the team. So you went to the library to see the peer tutoring program, and all of them were booked. The next best thing would be the kid genius in your class. He was probably a better first choice, honestly, but you figured he’d be booked with other students too.

He wasn’t like other kids in your class, not just because he actually cared and was a good student, he was also twelve years old. The kid was a prodigy. He was bullied a lot because of this because no one really understood him. That’s probably why he looked so terrified when you approached him after class one day.

“Hey, Spencer!”

His eyes grew wide as he stared back at you, saying nothing.

“I was just wondering if you were available for tutoring?”

“Oh, uh, um, y-yeah, in chemistry?”

“Yeah, what are your rates like? Like say we do an hour every other day, how much would that be?”

“Oh! N-no charge.”

“Really?”

“The first couple of sessions can be a trial run, I don’t want your money if you’re not benefiting from it.”

That made you smile, this kid was so nice and you just wished that people actually cared about that instead of the dumb shit they bullied him for. Sure, he was skinny and short and dorky and you know, a literal twelve-year-old boy, but if someone would take time to know him, they’d see he’s a good kid.

“That’s sweet of you, but I don’t wanna waste your time if you have other students.”

“I don’t, so that shouldn’t be a problem.”

“Great! Are you free after school today?”

He nodded and avoided all eye contact before scurrying out of the room to his next class.

~~~

You met up later in the library. You greeted each other politely with simple hi’s and hey’s and nothing more. Then it was time to pour over your books for an hour and try to force the puzzle pieces into place and hope something finally clicked. Balancing molecular equations physically hurt. Just when you thought you got it all right, Spencer reminded you that you still had to balance the oxygen, which was always bonded with something else, which threw off the whole equation. Every time you made a mistake you just let out a groan and set your head on the table.

“It’s a lot of math, a lot of people have a hard time with it, don’t feel bad.”

“I’m so fucking stupid.”

“You’re not! It’s an easy mistake.”

“You don’t make mistakes like that.”

“That’s because I’ve been taking advanced math classes for the past two years, I’m good at this stuff.”

“You’re good at everything, you're a literal genius.”

“There are people who aren’t geniuses who are good at this sort of thing, just look at Johnny Abrams in our class. He answers every question Mrs. Gustin asks and I once saw him put his backpack on his car’s roof and start driving ‘cuz he forgot it was there. He’s just been practicing. That’s why we’re here, right?”

He always reassured you. Always told you that you weren’t stupid. You weren’t dumb. He always smiled when you got questions right and told you you were doing a good job. When your hour was up, you said goodbye and went home. 

Spencer’s mini lectures aside, most of your sessions were sparse in the conversation department. The first time he went off on a side about some chemistry facts, you couldn’t keep up. You just sat there, jaw hanging while he went into detail about saponification, which wasn’t even in this lesson.

“Sorry, I’m rambling.”

“Did we learn that in class? Cuz if we did, I’m screwed.”

“No, not yet at least.”

“How do you just… know that?”

Spencer avoided your eyes once again, something he did more than spouting random facts, “I read a lot.”

That’s how it happened the first time. All it took was you asking one question about different types of reactions for him to launch into another spiel. You figured you’d have to know it at some point, so you started writing down whatever you could catch from his fast-paced speech, taking notes in bullet points.

“And that-- Oh. Y-You don’t need to do that, that’s not even on the curriculum.”

“Well, I gotta keep up with you somehow, right?” You glanced up from your page and flashed an almost challenging smirk as you saw him stifle a smile as he avoided all eye contact with you, as per usual. He then cleared his throat and got back to the actually assigned chapter.

The more he went off on tangents, the more he realized you weren’t stopping him. He was actually able to make chemistry sound interesting to you, which is strange, but it was easier to understand through how he explained it all. Something told you that he wasn’t used to having someone listen to what he said, because he just lit up when he talked about this stuff. He was clearly passionate about it, so why would you make him feel bad about it? He always apologized, but you always reassured him it was no big deal. 

You didn’t know it at the time, but the kid was falling hard. This pretty, older girl was paying attention to him and didn’t think he was annoying? The bar may have been on the floor for young Spencer, but you were perfect to him. Eventually, he was able to look you in the eyes when you spoke to one another, he even smiled at you when you joked with him. That was another thing: you joked with one another now. You both warmed up to one another as your sessions continued. You said hi to each other in the hallways, you ruffled his hair as a greeting, he accepted your high-five requests every time you got something right.

You still didn’t talk outside of class much, which is why he was caught so far off guard by you calling his name from across the cafeteria as you approached his table.

“Hey, dude! Is it cool if we squeeze in an extra session today? I got a test tomorrow.”

“Y-Yeah, no problem, but, uh, it’s Thursday. Don’t you have practice after school?”

You did. And you had to be there because you had a competition this weekend.

“Yeah, I was wondering if we could meet after?”

“When does it end?”

“Five.”

“Library closes at four.”

“I know, but would it be too much of a hassle if I just… Pick you up tonight and we head back to my house to study?”

You could physically see his brain shut down in his eyes. After he realized he needed to respond, he picked his jaw up off the floor and gulped hard.

“Or you can stay after and hang out at practice and I can just drive you home?”

“Y-Yeah, um, yeah, tha-that works, I can, uh, yeah, we can do that.”

Spencer brought his books and homework and tried his hardest to not make it obvious he was staring at you while you danced. You looked like you were having so much fun and he loved seeing you happy and smiling with your friends like that, it was hard for him to look away and focus long enough to read a sentence, which is saying something, considering it does not take him long to read a sentence. 

After practice wrapped up, you told him to go wait by your car while you changed out of your uniform. The girls in the locker room were talking just as loudly as always, only this time, it was about something you actually cared about hearing.

“I mean, really, what was that little creep doing watching us today?” You heard one girl sneer.

“So fucking gross, I don’t wanna know where his prepubescent head was.” Another girl laughed.

You had to step in. You had to say something.

“I’m his ride home. He’s my chemistry tutor and I have a test tomorrow, so back off the kid, he didn’t do shit to you anyway.”

The squad learned to watch their mouths around you after that.

~~~

The neon glow of the golden arches shone through your car’s windows as you pulled into the McDonald’s drive-thru line.

“This isn’t your house,” noted Spencer, sounding confused.

You grinned, “Oh, shit… no way! Wow! I’m so glad my tutor is a genius! I would have never guessed this was not my family home!”

He let himself laugh for a moment, “Okay, okay, fine. Why are we here?”

“Uh… to get food? Duh.”

“But what about your food at home?”

“My mom’s visiting my dad, he works in D.C., and I haven’t gotten a chance to go grocery shopping this week, so I can’t cook for you. What do you want?”

“You don’t have to get me anything.”

“No, I insist, it’s almost dinner time. Lemme get you something. As a thank you for squeezing in an extra cramming sesh?”

“It’s fine! Really.”

“Hey, Reid, come on,” you attempt to stifle a stupid giggle as you gesture to the rather large window displaying the playroom inside, “you are a guest in my home!”

Spencer shakes his head and chuckles, but doesn’t dare let you think he found you funny, “I’ll have chicken nuggets.”

“Happy meal?”

He tried to look offended at your clarification, but he quickly dropped the facade, “Yes. Extra fries, please.”

“Of course, buddy.” You pulled up further to the ordering station, catching a glimpse at the menu and the ads they had displayed on it, “Oh no way! They have Strawberry Shortcake toys! I used to collect those when I was a kid!”

Spencer saw the look on your face and couldn’t help but smile at your childlike excitement, “Do you want my happy meal toy?”

You bit your lip and hesitated before throwing all shame to the wind and saying yes. Because it was Spencer. He got excited over chemistry, he had no right to judge you on your old Strawberry Shortcake doll collection.

After you got your food, you drove back to your house, and you ate together at your kitchen island while Spencer quizzed you on the last chapter. He had asked you eighteen questions so far, and you had answered all of them correctly. 

“Okay, this last one is for the Strawberry Shortcake--”

“Her name is Orange Blossom.”

“Whatever, this last one is for the Orange Blossom toy: Which type of reaction is represented by this equation?” He showed you his notebook where he had written a molecular equation.

“Substitution.”

“Correct! Now balance it.”

Your shoulders slouched as the pride drained from your body.

“Please don’t make me.”

“This is going to be on the test, Y/N, you have to know it.”

“What’s one wrong question, really?”

“You and I both know she’s not going to put just one balancing question on the test.”

“Fine.” You grumbled, grabbing a pencil and sliding his notebook closer to you. You worked it out after a few minutes, but everything looked right, and judging by Spencer’s proud grin, everything was.

He reached for the figurine, still in the plastic bag, and handed it to you, “You’re gonna do great tomorrow, Y/N.”

You took Orange Blossom from his hands and danced around the kitchen with it, overwhelmed with the sudden feeling of confidence you gained from nailing this practice session. You heard Spencer’s small laugh from behind you, causing you to turn around and face the boy as he lovingly mocked you.

Studying at your place became a regular thing after that, even when your mom was home. She loved him. She always invited him for dinner if she was home. He rarely took her up on the offer, but it was nice having him around the house with you. Study sessions turned into just plain hanging out. You spent more time bonding over Doctor Who than chemistry some nights, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

~~~

When Alexa Lisben invited him to meet her at the football field you were skeptical. You had good reason to be. She was never very nice to you or Spencer. You were able to be civil with her for the sake of the cheerleading squad, but something about her just didn’t sit right with you. You tried to warn him, but he wouldn’t listen. He seemed offended at the notion that Alexa would do something horrible to him. How dare you imply that the only reason someone would be interested in him would be to pull a fucked up prank?

“I’m not like you, Y/N, I don’t have a line of people waiting around for a date, no one’s ever had a crush on me before, and-and now that someone other than you is being nice to me, you’re telling me that they have some sort of ulterior motive?”

“Spencer. I know these girls, I’ve seen the guys they go for--”

“And I’m not like them?”

“No! You’re a sweet kid, you’re nothing like those guys and they’re gonna take advantage of that.”

“I really wish everyone would stop saying I’m just a kid!”

“You’re not! That came out wrong--”

“Listen, Y/N, I’m going whether you want me to or not, so if you really want to keep babying me, by all means, stay after and wait with me.”

“I don’t wanna baby you!”

“So stop it!”

You didn’t want to fight with him anymore, you weren’t his mother. “Ok, Spencer, fine. I’m sorry. You should go. How about you meet me in the library after and you can tell me all about it over McDonald’s? My treat.”

He warmed up and agreed.

So you waited in the library until four, and then you started to get worried. You went to grab something from your gym locker before you left to look for him and heard some girls from the squad gossiping about “the little dork.” Your blood started to boil as you heard the way they talked about Spencer. Your jaw only clenched harder as you recognized one of the girls’ voices as Alexa Lisben’s.

You poked your head around the lockers that divided the aisles and tried to manage a calm voice, “Hey Alexa? Spencer actually said he was meeting up with you today, do you know where he is?”

She just laughed and said, “I can’t believe you actually care about that loser.”

“He’s my friend.” All attempts to remain level-headed were tossed aside, “Where the fuck is he, what did you do to him?”

You could feel yourself starting to cry. It’s your fault, you weren’t there, you tried to warn him, but now you don’t know where he is or what he’s thinking or--

“Check the field.”

You sprinted out to the football field and saw him stripped down to his briefs, blindfolded, and tied to a goal post. You could kill Alexa. You actually considered turning right around and unleashing hell on that locker room, but your friend needed help. He was crying so hard he didn’t hear you coming until you called his name. You immediately went to untie him and grab his clothes from the fence beside him.

“You were right.” He sniffled, “I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize, I’m not mad, I’m sorry, I should have been there, I could have helped you--”

“No, you couldn’t. There were too many people.”

“How many were there? Who did this?”

“Y/N, please--”

“No, Spencer, tell me what happened.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it!”

You know when to stop, so you just shut your mouth while he got dressed, “Get in the car, I’m taking you home.”

You didn’t say a word to him as he buckled his seatbelt and you could tell he appreciated it. You just drove to McDonald’s and got him his usual. You parked in the parking lot and ate your food in almost silence, save for the radio in the background.

“You don’t have to tell me what exactly happened, you could pretend none of this ever happened, I won’t mind, it’s okay, but I just need you to know, Spencer, say the word and she’s dead. I have so much dirt on her, you have no idea, I can destroy her.”

“Don’t.”

“Okay, I won’t. At least give me names. I will personally make sure none of those boys ever get a date again.”

“Y/N, please.”

“I’m serious, I’ll tell everyone they have herpes.”

“I know you are and that’s what scares me, please don’t, I don’t wanna make things worse.”

You decide to drop it because if he doesn’t wanna talk about it, he needs a distraction.

After you finish your food, you ask him “Your house or mine?”

“Yours. Please.”

You drove back to your house and got yourselves set up on the couch in front of the TV, turning on an episode of Doctor Who that you had recorded. You made him popcorn as he curled up on your couch, clutching a pillow. You were mostly quiet for the rest of the night, but when you did talk, it was to ask him a question about the show or if any of the science was accurate. It was the best you could do to keep him mind off things. Eventually, he fell asleep and you felt too bad to wake him. He got up by himself around midnight, jolting awake as if from a nightmare, and considering how the last few hours had been for him, it probably was one.

“Hey, bud, I’m here, it’s me.” You didn’t touch him, knowing he got overstimulated sometimes when he got really stressed, but he felt around for you on the couch next to him, needing to know you were really there this time. You patted his hand when it reached across the cushion for you.

“What time is it?”

“Way too late for you to be here, let’s get you home.”

He nodded, slowly rising to his feet and looking for his backpack, which you reminded him he had left in the car. Your hand hovered above his head for a moment before he lazily drifted into you as he walked. You took this as an okay to touch him, so you ruffled his hair before loosely slinging an arm around his shoulders as you guided him to your car.

The drive back to Spencer’s wasn’t too long, thankfully, because you were sure his parents would be furious with him and the kid’s been through enough today. You wanted to take all the heat without making them think you kidnapped him. The lights were still on when you pulled into the driveway. They were probably worried sick about him.

When you knocked on the door, a frantic woman with short blonde hair opened it. When she saw Spencer, she grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him into the house, never breaking eye contact with you.

“Who are you? What are you doing with my son?”

“He didn’t do anything wrong, Mrs. Reid. I’m Y/N, he’s been tutoring me.”

“How do you know me? Spencer, what did you tell her?” She looked at him and back at you, “Get off my property and stay away from us!”

“Mom, she’s a fr--”

“Go up to your room, don’t come out.” She didn’t sound like an angry parent reprimanding her son, she sounded almost... scared.

A million alarms were going off in your head, and you needed to try to get through to her, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, he was helping me study and we lost track of time, it’s not his fault.”

“I don’t care, I don’t know you, get off my property!”

You decided it was best not to argue, so you hurried back to your car and drove home as quickly as possible so you could shower and go to bed and pray that Spencer would be okay tonight.

~~~

Your phone rang early the next morning. You rolled out of bed to answer it, sprinting to the hall table to take it off the stand. Checking the caller ID, you realized it was from a number you didn’t recognize. Answering it, you heard Spencer’s voice on the other side.

“Hello, this is Spencer, is Y/N home?”

“Yes, you woke me up on a Saturday morning, where else am I gonna be, kid?” Your voice was scratchy as you struggled to fight off the sleep still clawing at your throat.

“Sorry about that. I was just calling to apologize for last night.”

“No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get you in trouble.”

“N-No, I’m not in trouble, I just wanted to explain why my mother was all--”

“She was worried, I get it.”

“N- she… My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic, she doesn’t do well with strangers. She doesn’t even remember what she said to you last night, she was having one of her episodes. She was just confused.”

You didn’t know how to respond. You were so shocked by his sudden revelations, you just stayed silent. You didn’t want him to think he scared you, so you had to say something. And apparently, that something was “Oh.”

“She wanted to apologize, but she’s just a bit embarrassed, so I called for her.”

“N-No, it’s okay, I…” It was suddenly so hard to say you understood because while it made sense to you, you wouldn’t fully understand what he or his mom was going through, you didn’t understand it, but Spencer didn’t seem to mind. He was just glad it didn’t bother you. After the events of yesterday, he couldn’t afford to lose you.

“Tell her I’m sorry I scared her.”

“Will do. She said you could come over so she could apologize personally and meet her if you want.”

“I’d love to. And Spence?”

You felt him take pause. You never called him that before, “Yeah?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t wanna scare you.”

“You wouldn’t scare me, dude, you can tell me anything.”

“Really?”

“I promise. I’ll see you Monday?”

Spencer nodded, but you couldn’t see him, so he spoke up through the lump in his throat, “See you Monday.”

Taglist ~~~~~~

(Lmk if you wanna be added!!)

@lawnmoa @ellvswriting @reidsmyhusband-emilysmymistress @baby-pogue @rottenearly

[stevenbasic]

Looking at the IG of one of the new applicants, Dr J thinks: What's this one's story?

About a year ago, huh..?

...

The reunion was in full swing, and Angie sipped the straw of her vodka tonic, alone for the moment at the edge of the crowd, watching him. She’d come into the evening like she did into most crowds: thinking she was the smartest person in the room. True, it’s not like she’d ended up top of her class - it’d been ten years since graduating from Middlesex High with these morons - or had found herself at a top-tier college. She totally could have, she always thought, if she had really wanted to. She just never put in the effort, it hadn’t meant enough to her. But she could have been valedictorian, for sure, right? And gone to an ivy-league? She just never set her mind to it, she told herself. Plus, back then, she didn’t have the tits...

Angie Wade was, certainly, what most people would call a “late bloomer”. Not only had her academic and career successes mainly come after her teen years in High School - she’d graduated with Honors from Bowling Green, got her Masters, and now managed two (soon to be three) branches of KLG Bank - but her figure had taken some time to come in, also. When she had graduated, she had been a mostly forgettable member of the drama club, the thin, unremarkable brunette with the big forehead. But, soon, things changed. Since high school she’d put on - haha - nearly thirty pounds, the majority of it generously deposited into the fleshy curves she’d squeezed into this low-cut black top and tight, tight knee-length white skirt. She wanted these people - him especially - to see what had become of Angie Wade, to realize what they had missed. And, the evening had gone predictably. Most of the girls, even some she’d been friendly with in school, either wanted nothing to do with her or treated her with snobby derision - fuck them. Because every guy she’d spoken to tonight had been very keen to chat. Most had given her at least a fleeting glance down her top, and many could barely keep from staring. But she hadn’t talked to AJ Shaw yet....

...and he was right over there.

...

AJ stood at the banquet hall’s bar, idly stirring his bacardi and coke, while Megan Rommety chatted animatedly in his left ear. He’d learned, among a prattling twenty minutes’ worth of other things, that she was a recent divorcee (“her decision”, to hear her tell it) She was trying to flirt with him, he had no doubt.  He had been excited about coming to this thing, the 10-year reunion for his Middlesex High School Class. He still hung out, pretty regularly, with some friends from the football team; he’d even hired a couple to work on his construction team. He still touched base with old girlfriends from time-to-time, Facebook or wherever; it was cool to see them with kids and flirt with them behind their husbands’ backs. But maybe there’d be some people from out of town to catch up with. Like Megan here: they’d been in a couple classes together, she’d dated a friend of his, been on the tennis team. She was nice to see, for the first few minutes, but now she was beginning to overstay her welcome in the seat next to him. “...anyway, after I kicked Brad out, I sold the house and bought my own condo down by the lake,” Megan was saying, stirring the ice cube in her chardonnay, “sooooo nice. Real hardwood floors, a view. You just have to come see it! In fact, kids are at my mom’s tonight and…” WHoahhh...Who was THAT?

“Yeah, I uh….” he said Wearing a black, low-cut top that revealed an impressive bulge of soft, creamy cleavage, she was smiling over at him, from across the room. In fact, “smile” might have been too soft of a word. There was something dramatic about the look she was giving him, something….yikes. His stomach fluttered and everything Megan was saying was being droned out, dissolving to just a buzz on his left. Taking a sip of her drink, this woman held his eye contact for an uncomfortably long time, before she began to strut over towards him. My god, AJ thought, that is a strut. Straight back and proud, each step in her killer heels brought a new jiggle to her chest and an extra sway to her hips in her tight, white skirt. This was a woman who knew how to walk, he could see that for sure, and draw eyes to herself. Was this someone from his class?? He had forgotten that he was in the middle of a sentence, a conversation. Hell, he practically forgot where he was. He’d kinda found that happening, recently. Pretty women seemed to throw him off base more easily than they used to. Ones with boobs, especially. “Hiya, remember me?” she said, sidling up to the bar and unceremoniously boxing Megan out. He tried to keep his eyes up, on her face, on her wide, wide smile. He knew he would look like an asshole if his eyes dropped to her tits….but it was a struggle. “I…uh” he began, as his mind began to work. He was usually so good at this! He felt like he knew everybody from his class, or at least everyone important. Especially the hot ones! But he was having trouble remembering this one, her name. Her face was sorta familiar, but he certainly didn’t recognize those curves from high school. “Uhmmmm…”

“Angie Wade?”  Megan interjected, from half-behind the newcomer.

Oh yeah, Angela Wade.

“Angie Wade?” AJ finally managed, lights beginning to click on, “You were in drama club, right?” “That’s me!” Angie beamed, biting her lower lip flirtatiously, “You DO remember me!” He...he did remember her, yes, Angie. But certainly not like this. The Angie Wade he remembered had been...skinny. Maybe not quite a dork, but not someone with whom he’d ever associate. If he recalled, his friends had told him she’d been an admirer of his. God, if he’d known she’d grow up into this...wow, she really grew a pair. “Excuse me,” Megan piped in, pushing her short, coiffed-blonde hair behind her ear, “We...were in the middle of a conversation?” Obviously annoyed, Megan could see how AJ’s attention had suddenly been drawn to Angie Wade and her big new tits. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” Angie responded, not bothering to hide a note of condescension. She shifted to unblock Megan from the conversation, a move that just brought her closer to AJ’s left side, and in fact let her press her big right breast into his left arm. She felt him shudder, almost imperceptibly, but tried to keep her smile to herself.

Angie glanced Megan up and down with a coy smirk before turning back to AJ. “So...Nice suit! You look great,” she said, knowing men’s weaknesses for flattery, “Seems like you’re doing well?” “Um, yeah! Thanks!,” AJ replied, wincing as he heard the weird enthusiasm in his voice. He can’t come across as creepy, just talking to this girl ‘cuz she’s built. He knew he had to maintain himself, his composure. “I’ve been good,” he continued, “Staying busy with work and-” Angie cut him off. “Yeah, I saw that your company has a bid in to renovate the stadium downtown,” she said, letting her eyes sparkle in admiration. Men loved that. “That’s soooo great…” They also loved this bimbo talk, she’d learned. “Yeah well, it’s um… an exciting project,” He finished lamely, glancing over at Megan, whose glare had gone icy. What was he doing? This was rude. He should try to involve Megan some more, but found himself just really not wanting to. “But enough about me,” he said to Angie, admiring the dramatically dark makeup around her eyes, “How are you doing?” “I’m doing SO, SO good!” Angie sang, right hand reaching behind AJ’s back, resting on a shoulder. Megan scoffed, watching as her left hand then found his knee. What a tramp. “‘So so good’?” Megan finally snapped, the derision in her voice unmistakable, “Last I heard you were working at Hooters. Brad said he saw you th-” “Oh, did he? Brad, your husband?” Angie smiled, turning finally to address Megan, smile big and white.

“Ex...husband…” Megan said, voice quickly fading.

“Hm. Well, did Brad mention that he used to come in every Tuesday and Thursday for lunch, with guys from work, or sometimes just by himself?” Angie continued, a new edge to her voice, “And when I moved to just weekends, he started showing up then, too?” She smiled as she saw Megan’s eyes go wide. She loved doing this shit to prissy bitches like Megan, when they thought they could flex. “Did Brad tell you that he always asked to be sat in my section, and when I finally left he’d asked the other girls about me? Where I went? Asked for my number?”

Megan’s jaw had started to quiver, and Angie had to keep herself from laughing. She remembered Brad, though it had been awhile. Guys from their old high school had often come to Hooters to drool, whether it was over her or younger girls like Shanette or Missy. Brad had been no different. “I guess he just saw something he liked…. “ Angie concluded, straightening her shoulders and pushing her boobs forward - which drew a glance from AJ, she noticed. “Maybe something he didn’t have at home?” “Holy shit y-you bitch,” Megan sputtered, doing her best to sound appalled but glancing down at her own modest bust, unable to keep from feeling a little inadequate. Yes, Brad had been “a boob guy”... Ignoring the insult with practiced aplomb, Angie turned back to AJ, catching him looking down her top. “Besides, you don’t mind...do you AJ?” she asked him, squeezing her right breast more firmly into his nicely-muscled arm, rubbing his broad shoulder through his suit jacket, “That I used to work at Hooters?” “Um, uh, what?” he stammered, uncomfortable with the tense exchange that had just happened between these two girls, feeling weird that he’d just sat here, passively. How was he supposed to answer this? “No...not at all,” he managed, “I think, uh, service work is perfectly dignified…” “See?” Angie giggled, still rubbing his shoulder and rewarding him with an extra bit of boob, “Good boy.”  Angie giggled again, so pleased with herself. Megan, for herself, looked aghast, watching AJ - who she always thought was a pretty well-put-together guy - fall for this bimbo’s simple little tricks. God, what a pair of tits can do... “I…” “..was just leaving” Angie finished for her, fixing her with a bright white smile and withering stare. She watched as Megan took her drink and stood from her stool. “You gonna go call Brad?” she added, for good measure, “Tell him Angie from Hooters said hello.” “Tell him yourself,” Megan sneered, and then turned to him, “And, AJ, nice talking to you. Have fun with the Titty Monster.” With that she stomped off, and Angie’s smile curled.

“‘Titty Monster’”, Angie repeated, chuckling to herself, “That’s rich. I think I’ll use that.” She bit her lip, narrowed her eyes. “So….” she began, turning all her attention back on AJ, her high school crush. She almost couldn’t believe it herself: here she was, little Angie Wade, proudly claiming Aaron Joseph Shaw for herself, just because she could. It was like wrapping him around her little finger. “Can I have a seat?” “Oh, uh, yeah,” AJ replied, shaking his head. What was wrong with him? He hadn’t even said goodbye to Megan. “Of course…”

AJ half-stood, chivalrously, as if to help Angie up into Megan’s now-empty chair. He sat back, finally, and began to order them both a drink from the bartender with the dramatic mustache.

“Two vodka tonics, please,” Angie had insisted, speaking over him with a will that made his loins clinch.

From there, the flirting began in earnest, disguised by a conversation about their jobs. Angie avoided divulging too much about her situation, her successes at the bank. She knew the male ego could be a fragile thing, and she didn’t want to scare him away. AJ seemed to be a successful guy himself, in his own way, but boys tended to like their girls dumb, and she could play that up a bit when she needed to. So, no mention of the degrees, no mention of the awards. Instead, she had leaned forward towards him just enough to open her cleavage for his approval. 

God, she has great tits, he thought to himself, marveling at their swell and mass, and I’m really getting to be a tit-guy these days. His eyes just could not keep themselves from falling down her top, and she seemed not to mind in the least. In fact, after their second drink together, her hand had found its way back to his knee and seemed to give him an encouraging squeeze every time his gaze strayed to her chest. She...she actually likes that I’m looking at her tits, he finally convinced himself, and had slowly started to relax.

After another drink, Angie finally sat up, stock straight, and slowly stretched her shoulders back to look around the room. Some of their old classmates had begun to leave, and the room was less abuzz than it had been. Predictably, his eyes had gone straight to her chest, and shot away before she met his gaze again. She waited for him to talk, knowing exactly what he wanted.

“So, it looks like things are starting to quiet down here,” he finally asked, “do you, uh, need a ride?”

Bingo. “No, I drove myself,” she answered, watching his face, seeing the old gears turning. 

“Well, I was thinking about, y’know,” he began again, poking at the remaining ice in his drink,  “heading back to my loft, downtown, if you wanted to, like, come with me…?” Angie smiled, and leaned in towards him, squeezing her arms together in a dramatic show of cleavage. “Hmmm, well,” she purred, watching his eyes struggle to maintain her gaze, “how about you come to my place tonight sweetie. It’s closer....” 

At that, she leaned in to his ear, and whispered into it with a voice thick with seduction. “And I still have my Hooters outfit at home. I can try it on for you….see if it still fits?” 

============================================

Angie attacks! A little GITJ tangent thread being co-written with AgeoftheGiantess, who you may know from GTScity. Look for her story to continue.

Next post, our first entry by new contributor Joyce Julep, available at my Patreon

[scammydoesstuff]

So about that 'Blue Bloods' episode…

I recently saw something come across my dash regarding Alex Brightman’s guest appearance on the season 11 episode of 'Blue Bloods' (The Common Good) and it reignited the vehement response I had to the episode as a whole. And, since I have this blog now, I figured…fuck it. I need to rant about it.

So that's what this is.

Take what I say with a grain of salt, of course. This show is so clearly not for me and I acknowledge that, but I went to school for and got my degree in creative writing and so much of this episode pissed me off from a narrative perspective and I just really need to talk about it. Putting it under a Read More, though, so you can ignore me if you’d like while I rage to no one in particular. Apologies in advance if you choose to read on. I'm super long-winded. Luckily I don't have pictures and this is more of just a lot of text, so…it could be longer?

So, to begin, I’ll freely admit that I’d never seen an episode of 'Blue Bloods' before this and I’ve not watched it since. I mean, if the rest of the episodes are as badly written as this one, I have no interest to either, but I digress.

Overall my main problem with the episode was how desperately it avoided ‘showing’ over ‘telling’ and, as a visual medium, that’s kind’ve a big deal. We were told pretty much every detail that was presented to us. These people love to hear themselves talk, but do little to actually show things as they happen and I believe a part of that has to do with the focus of the show itself, which is definitely unique to this brand of television. By that, I just mean that it’s not the format I might’ve expected from a show like this. Most cop shows give a lot of focus to the cases, and the intrigue you get with the characters is how they apply their own skills and knowledge to solve them, with the hi-jinks they get into along the way being more of a bonus.

This is not that kind of show.

No, 'Blue Bloods' as a show is way more interested in the cops and their familial ties than it is about the actual job that they’re doing, as shown prominently with the political plot of this episode which was also very focused on the relationship between Tom Selleck’s character and his daughter and the wholly unrelated dinner scene where they talk about lent for 2 and a half minutes and acknowledge nothing else that happened in the episode. This show doesn’t care about the job of being a cop so much as it cares about the cops themselves.

Which would be fine if I gave a shit about cops, but I don’t.

You could argue that the mentor plot is the exception to that, but that entire situation had no real consequences for the cop in question, Jamie, abusing his power. It was entirely focused on how the situation affected him and how it was fine that he’d nudged this kid to get information which ultimately led to the arrest of Dion's brother, and Dion quitting the program. Hell, if Jamie had, in his final scene with Dion, owned up to his abuse of power and left the program — to then urge Dion to rejoin so that he can have that positive outlet in his life without him there — I would’ve been way more okay with it, but Jamie faces no consequences past ‘I don’t wanna see you anymore’, which I was never convinced he actually cared about in the slightest. There's nothing cathartic about it, it's just shitty and left me feeling frustrated at the lack of consequences for the cop.

But hey, you prolly don’t wanna read me going on and on about those parts. You prolly wanna know why I hate it despite Alex’s plot — which I fully expected to love because he’s perfect and gorgeous even when he’s playing a bad guy and he was just so adorable in his lil suit and they let him keep the scruff this time, and he was all handsome an— I need to stop. That could go on forever.

Anyway, to put it simply; it was bad, but I'll definitely explain why.

Now, I don’t think any of the guests in this episode necessarily did a bad job. They still acted well enough for what they were given. I just think they had a shit script that wasn’t interested in that story line. I mentioned at the top of this that this show cared more about telling than showing and that’s a huge problem when you want me to buy a character being the culprit in your murder plot. I need evidence, not anecdotes. Cuz, yeah, by the end of the episode, I didn’t buy for even a second that Ralph did it. And it’s not because he was played by Alex who is just charisma incarnate. I can believe him playing a bad guy. I also watched his 'Law & Order SVU' episode where he scared the shit outta me. He can play a creepy and violent character very well, he just wasn’t convincing to me as a bad guy in this show.

And here’s why!

First of all, he confessed at knife point. That confession would be thrown away IRL. It’s the same problem with using torture to get information. If a person’s life is threatened or they're being harmed in some way, they’ll usually say whatever it takes to get you to stop threatening them/causing them pain. Same deal here. You can’t convince me with a confession like that.

But they didn't seem to be interested in convincing anyone as far as I could tell. They just expected you to believe it because, ‘no, didn’t you hear? He said he did it, so he did it.’ They had so many opportunities to portray this character as the shitbag that we’re told he is. Hell, great way to really implicate him? Give him a female assistant that Donnie Wahlberg and his partner overhear / walk in on him berating for something small like getting him the wrong coffee or something. Then have them talk to that assistant later on and her mention some weird behavior from him on the night of Andrea’s death. It's cliché, but it's more than what we got.

Or you could have him talk to Meghan in a super condescending voice when he approaches her after her interview later on. Or, hell, have him refer to the murder victim in a condescending way even as he talks about her death. But no. The most we get out of him is that he's maybe a little snarky and smug when talking to the cops, but that’s not enough to convince me he’s a bad dude. Frankly, his producer buddy came off as more of an asshole, if I'm being honest. Just cuz (we’re told) his character did shitty things to her in the past doesn’t mean he’s still shitty. Show me he’s still shitty. I wanna see it and I know Alex is capable of a performance like that.

Second, it’s also just…obvious to make him the culprit if we're to believe everything we're told about him. He and Andrea are described as having had beef a little while before the murder with him being abusive mentally and physically. He’s known in the community to be a misogynist and an abusive person overall. He’s the obvious suspect, but if there’s anything that Scooby-Doo taught me, it’s that it’s never the most obvious person. Like, once in a blue moon, sure — but it’s rare.

So yeah, I don’t believe that Ralph did it. You wanna know who I do think did it?

Meghan.

Alright, so bear with me. This'll prolly sound a little conspiratorial, but hear me out:

She had the motive. She confirms in the beginning of the episode that she’s also a female gamer like the victim, but that she was ‘no Andrea’. Andrea was her competition. They were (supposedly) friends and stuck together as female gamers, but Andrea was still competition. With her out of the way, Meghan’s able to rise in the ranks, if even a little bit.

She had a scapegoat in Ralph — again, the obvious suspect given his tumultuous relationship with Andrea sometime prior — and an obvious grudge against men in their community in general. And, don’t get me wrong, men in gaming can and often are hella toxic — I’m not, in any way, denying that — but she got way more emotional when talking about the men in their community than when she was talking about her supposed friend lying dead in the adjoining room.

Speaking of the adjoining room, how did she not hear the murder happening? It couldn’t have been when she was down in the bar, cuz we see Ralph there too in the crappy CCTV footage that was supposed to show him being an asshole, I think (hard to really see). Was she just fucking around somewhere else when it happened? She doesn’t mention as much that I recall (correct me if I'm wrong on that, of course). And Andrea was strangled to death. I would assume that there would’ve been a struggle with that. Are you seriously telling me she wouldn’t hear that in her adjoining hotel room? Those walls aren’t that thick. I find that kinda hard to believe. And that she wouldn’t have found her till the next morning after that, also strikes me as a little odd.

Going off on some previous points, she shows very little grief over her friend’s death. Not just in the intro scene, either, but later on as well. (Side bar: that intro scene itself was very misleading. Don’t lead with a murder plot if it only takes up less than 10 minutes of the overall runtime, kay?) The show did a pretty bad job at indicating the passage of time, but it’s implied that the convention is still happening when Meghan gets the confession out of Ralph, so it would’ve had to have been the same weekend, or possibly the same week (though most conventions I’m aware of don’t last that long — it’s usually a weekend thing, at most Thursday-Sunday — but it could be similar to AGDQ, which seems to last about a week). So, if this is only a day or so later, why would someone who is supposedly grieving over their dead friend do interviews like nothing is wrong? Wouldn't you, like, reschedule or just politely decline and say you need time to process the shock? Like, when we cut to ol’ Donnie Wahlberg calling her after her interview, she doesn’t look upset — as I imagine she might if they’d likely asked her questions about Andrea / her feelings about the murder — and she seems cool as a cucumber when she asks Ralph to go somewhere private. In fact, the look on her face indicates pretty clearly that she’s planning to do something. Specifically, not that she's scared, that she's angry.

Finally, she’s the one who’s attacking Ralph when Donnie Wahlberg and company arrive on the scene. She doesn’t seem to have any marks on her indicating that he made any move to harm her (again, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't remember seeing her with any marks / cuts), but he’s got a clear, bleeding cut on his face. She attacked him first and was going in for the kill.

Or…was she? Cuz right before Donnie Wahlberg pulls her into that bear hug to stop her from the attack, she doesn’t do a great job of actually trying to kill Ralph. She was close enough that a quick dart at him would’ve probably been enough to at least injure him pretty significantly — maybe even fatally — and would’ve surely led the cops to pull them apart to secure him, but she kinda just hops around a bit and screams before lunging for him. That’s a really weird way to attack when you actually want to kill someone.

But, then again, I don’t necessarily think she did want to kill him. I’m convinced she wanted that confession, but that she also wanted him in jail and was playing the part of the super sad and hysterical victim who was just so overcome with her grief that she wasn’t in her right mind. I think that’s what they were going for in regards to her character in general, but it came across as less sincere in the performance and more like the character was putting on an act. They then cart Ralph off while comforting her — despite the fact that she disobeyed a direct order from police, which should lead to her being detained as well! — and that plot ends.

So, she gets what she wants in the end. A person she despises is now in police custody, her competition is out of the way, and the publicity she might get for bringing that ‘murderer’ to justice might eventually lead to her own career getting a nice boost. I dunno, it just strikes me as her having a great reason to have initiated this over Ralph just being a misogynist who 'was really trying to kill Meghan and just got the wrong girl'.

So yeah, with what the show presented to us, I believe Meghan’s the real killer. Again, if they’d done more to show me that Ralph was a bad dude or that she was more affected by her supposed friend’s death, or if they'd just given that plot more room to breathe to show those things, I might’ve been more inclined to buy the narrative they were pushing but…as is, I don’t believe it.

That’s pretty much all I wanted to say on the matter. I had a lot of issues with the domestic abuse plot line too, but they barely gave that 5 minutes of the overall runtime, so does it really matter in the long run? This is just…my thought process of the only part of the episode I watched for and how disappointing it was for me. And yes, I timed each section of the episode to figure out how much time was given to each of the 4 plots, plus the dinner scene at the end, but not counting the intro theme, and the murder plot got just over 8 minutes, of which Alex was on screen for half of that time. He got less than 5 minutes of screen time. It was definitely worth it just because he’s wonderful and I just like seeing him on these shows, but from a narrative standpoint, it felt pointless.

Okay, I’m done. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. Unless y’all wanna talk about this some more, cuz I’m so down for that.

[llendrinall]

What if the golden trio + Draco magically get sucked into a universe where Riddle was killed before the potters were. And they grow up from babes to adulthood not remembering anything until they suddenly get their memories when each reach the age of 21 and ohh imagine how hard itd be on each's parents cuz they dont know whats wrong and all. Then bam Ron shows up engaged to a muggleborn he never spoke to in school and Harry and Draco are spotted on a date in a muggle zoo. The Malfoy's flip and so do the Potters.

It'd be a lovely story of healing, connecting and love and honesty I think they deserve it after the shit they went through.

The memories come to them in dreams. At first it’s just a strange, upsetting, dream that has a bit more consistency than dreams usually have and that lingers through the day while dreams fade away before you get out of bed. By the third night they have almost all the memories back, each dream slotting nicely with the previous one. Harry is understandably freaked out. He makes a quick trip to Godric’s Hollow to go hug his parents and then spends a lot of time looking at the one family photo they have in the living room, the one in which Harry and Dudley were seven. He stares at Petunia’s smile and wonders whatever happened to give him such horrible ideas about his aunt.

He and Ron are friends, living together as they went through the Auror training and now in their first year working as Aurors. Harry talks to Ron because he can’t shake that horrible feeling of dread; all the things he could lose or maybe all the things he has lost. That’s when they realize they have the same freaking memories, the same dreams, down to the nasty details like Ron leaving during the horcrux hunt or Harry being kind of a jerk about Ginny.

Ron, being Ron, is blessed with an eminently practical and down to earth sense of life. The dreams are strange and it would be very interesting to learn how come they got the same dream-memories, if something happened to their other selves and why are they suddenly remembering now. All those are very good and valid questions that someone should investigate. For now, Ron is going to find Hermione Granger and do whatever it takes to make her fall in love with him so he can marry her.

It turns out that Hermione has been getting the same dreams, the same memories, and when Harry and Ron – those two classmates she was friendly with but not super close to – come knocking on her door, she cries and she doesn’t know if it sadness for what they lost of joy to have them back. Ron once again shows his superior sense by grabbing her hand and saying that yes, this might be a super duper weird spell, and yes Hermione is right to suspect it and want to know why and where it came from, and yes, there may be some dark forces playing around; but none of that changes the fact that he loves her and even if the memories proved to be fake he will still love her because she has the courage and smarts to suspect the meaning of these memories and basically what Ron is trying to say is that he loves all iterations of Hermione. Sorry, but she is stuck with him.

They get married that same day, with Harry acting as a witness. Then they go tell their respective families. The Grangers take it surprisingly well and don’t even threaten Ron with dismemberment if he ever hurts Hermione. Instead, they ask him to do right by her. Ron, who might be going a bit mad, makes a vow of devotion and loyalty with his actual knee on the floor and the Grangers love it. They named their only daughter Hermione, of course they love it when an actual chivalric hero comes into their living room.

The Weasleys are a different thing. They know enough about magic to be suspicious of the sudden memories. Mrs Weasleys gives Hermione the stink eye because, to be honest, this sounds a lot like a love-potion. It’s only because Harry is there with the same memories and no wish to marry Hermione that Mrs Weasley doesn’t call the Wizarding Patrol immediately. Also, the twins and Ginny dislike Hermione. The twins slightly less so because they only had to suffer her as Prefect for a year, but for Ginny it was three long years of Hermione barring her from hexing and/or beating people. It was very frustrating and she blames Hermione for every pimple she got during that time. If Ginny had been allowed to hex Parkinson or Malfoy of freaking Finch-Fletchley every time they were their annoying selves, Ginny would have been much calmer and mellower and her skin would have reflected it.

So the Weasleys are not happy but there isn’t much they can do about it other than keep a close look on Hermione and wait for Ron to see reason.

It is a very busy weekend to say the least. On Monday Harry has vertigo because the week seems awfully empty (disarming a blood hex and capturing its creator, ppft, what is that for someone who remembers fighting Voldemort?). Harry would rather have his hours full so he won’t be overwhelmed by his thoughts. There is so much death in the memories! His parents, Sirius, Remus, Peter, even Regulus who is profoundly weird and very snobbish but James insists on inviting him to events and he keeps coming despite how uncomfortable he looks. They are all dead in Harry’s memories.

There is also Malfoy, who is even more of a jerk in the memories and who grew up to become an actual Death Eater like his father, someone who almost killed Dumbledore and who, when the time came, saved Harry’s life with a lie.

On Thursday the Auror office receives a call of dark activity in Minaford Park, which is where Draco Malfoy is living these days. Harry takes the assignment and makes quick work of the boggart and the ghoul that somehow were trapped under the stairs and were screaming at each other. As excuses go, it’s not too bad. Harry is certain that Draco could have done it himself, but it is messy enough that it seems believable that he would prefer someone else to fix it for him.

Draco offers Harry tea, which he accepts. There is a very odd tension in the air. Draco is down to his shirt sleeves and has shadows under his eyes and when he looks at Harry… It can’t be said that he looks at him funny. Draco was his usual snobbish self while he watched Harry getting rid of the creatures. But there is something in his eyes when Harry takes a seat and accepts the tea cup. Something almost like sorrow.

No, not sorrow.

Compassion.

“Look, Potter”, Draco says. “I am too old to start having prophetic dreams, but this affects you directly. You figure out if someone is playing with a timer-turner or what, here it goes.” And he tells Harry everything.

As one could expect, Minaford Park has a very beautiful garden. Draco and Harry spend hours after lunch walking through it. Ah, yes, Harry stayed for lunch. Draco insisted. He still had things to tell Harry and he was growing hungry.

They meet again on Saturday, ostensibly so Harry can tell Draco what he and Hermione had learned. Ron says he doesn’t give a damn where the memories came from. He only cares what he can do with them and so far he seems to be doing pretty well, having married Hermione and encouraged Bill to ask Fleur Delacour out. Hermione and Harry are a bit more worried, but Harry will admit the research effort goes 30-70% in Hermione’s favour.

Talking with Draco is good. He seems to share the same dread as Harry. Draco confesses that he is not happy with his conduct, or rather the conduct of the Draco that could be. He talks a lot about the fear and nausea at having the Dark Lord in his house, the smell of despair that took over the manor, the mad glint in his aunt Bellatrix’s eyes. Since Draco talks about his aunt, about seeing her mad and cruel and talking proudly about torturing the Longbottoms, Harry feels that he can talk about his own aunt Petunia and Draco will understand. Lily and Petunia don’t have the closest relationship, but to think that she could treat Harry like that…

The Sunday visit to the zoo isn’t a date. As soon as Hermione learns that Draco also has the memories she assigns work pairs and tasks. She sends Harry and Draco to check the reptiles in case they see something like Nagini in there. Both of them have the most memories of her. They should be able to recognize the snake.

Nagini is there and she is surprisingly cognizant for a snake which makes them suspect that she might be a horcrux. The discovery leaves them cold, a new kind of vertigo opening before them. They didn’t live through it, they are only memories, but the exhaustion of the war feels real and they don’t want to go through anything similar again.

Draco asks to go see the penguins and it might seem silly and contradictory, but watching them helps a lot to keep the chill from Nagini away. Neither can tell who initiated, but while in there they begin to hold hands. They go to see the butterflies next, which are in the next pavilion, and suddenly everything in the world looks much better. They don’t kiss when they part, but the way they look at each other is worth at least three kisses.

On Monday Harry receives a short message from Remus that simply says he has sequestered the Prophet’s copy but he doesn’t know how long he can keep Harry’s parents from seeing the news. Harry takes the morning off work and goes to Godric’s Hollow immediately so they can learn about Draco from him rather than the salacious gossip column.

James simply says, “MALFOY? You… MALFOY!?”.

He seems upset. Then he freezes and for the next ten minutes James says nothing. He doesn’t move. He is just there, in the kitchen, one hand in the air and the other holding a cup of tea that is growing cold.

“Harry, dear, I want you to come to dinner today.” Lily says. She has a worried frown but is otherwise unperturbed. “And tell us everything about those memories. Even the bad bits. This is important. It can be dangerous.”

“Yes! Dinner!” James screams, suddenly unfreezing. “Bring him to dinner. Tonight.”

“What?”

“No, you are right. It might be too formal, too soon. Quidditch, then. Does he like Quidditch? He must. I remember you complaining about him while you were in school.”

“He… likes Quidditch, yes.” Harry says hesitantly because even now he is not sure if his dad is talking about Draco.

“Perfect. We shall go see a Quidditch match, the three of us.”

“James.” Lily warns.

“Does anybody in this house know when the next Quidditch match is?” James cries over his wife’s warning that he is doing it again, just like with Sirius.

“Saturday.” Remus says.

“That’s too late! When is Sirius back?”

“Wednesday.” Answers Remus and despite his transformation exhaustion he nimbly steps away from Lily’s strike with the newspaper. Usually Remus would spend his transformation at home, but since Sirius had to go on a trip he came to James and Lily’s so he would have company, which led to the fortunate circumstance of being able to take the newspaper and delay the news.  

“Honestly, Remus.” Chides Lily.

“I’m not encouraging him! You can’t call answering his questions encouragement!”

“It is decided, then.” James announces from the chair. He has climbed a chair and is speaking from atop. “Friday, you bring young Malfoy home. We will play Quidditch and some board games and have dinner in the yard. Sirius shall bring Regulus so Malfoy is not the only Slytherin.”

“James, listen to me…” Lily tries with little faith that James would listen to anyone.

That same morning, at eleven, Lucius Malfoy receives a howler from James Potter composed of thirty-two seconds of mad laughter, which means that James must had listened to Lily at some point or most likely that she was able to take his wand.

It couldn’t be said that James Potter was happy to hear that his beloved son was dating a snobbish Slytherin prick, no, but as soon as he realized that Lucius Malfoy would be equally unenthused about it, it had awaken James’s unhinged tendency towards confrontation with the established power and forced adoption of families’ black sheep. He had done it to Sirius, he had done it to Remus, he had done it to Peter (even if it failed catastrophically) and he was doing it to Regulus now. He had even befriended Severus Snape. Oh! Snape! He should invite Snape too. That way they could make teams of four.  He would come if Lily asked him to.

And afterwards they explore those memories, and Lily looks worried and so does Snape. Regulus goes very quiet for a while but then he gives his opinion of what has happened and it’s the most words anyone has heard him speak but the multiverse theory makes a lot of sense.  

The Weasleys warm up to Hermione eventually. They can’t tell why, exactly, other that Ron is beaming these days. Also, every time she comes to the Burrow she brings a gift to Arthur. It is a very obvious ploy to make them like her but it works because she sees the gift through and answers all of Arthur’s questions no matter how long it takes. The twins took notes when she gave her physics lecture. It was most informative. They created two prank artefacts out of it.

They find the few horcruxes Voldemort managed to make. Peter, who had a falling out with the Potters years ago, resurfaces and tries to steal a horcrux and bring back the Dark Lord out of spite. According to Regulus some people are dedicated to bring their own destruction and you can’t do anything about it.  Barty Crouch Jr. also tries to bring Voldemort back, but by then Lucius Malfoy has been adopted by James even though he is a powerful adult man with his own family. It makes no sense. If anything, Lucius should be the one informally adopting people and grooming them under his wing to be his devoted friends and allies. But Lucius had become James’, just like Severus warned him it would happen, so he puts a stop to that Barty Crouch nonsense pretty quickly and to any other former Death Eaters with ideas. Lucius might not like the Potters but he likes the idea of Voldemort taking over his house even less, and whatever else his happening, it makes Draco happy, so.

What little of Voldemort remained alive, it is now dead.

The four of them, they have the shadows and regrets of two lives, the fear and pain of two wars, but the happiness afterwards… Oh, it is worth it, it is very, very worth it. It is the happiness of two lives, tenfold.