#cuz i really allowed myself to get put through those weird situations and felt bad about it afterwards

[teddybear-shownu]

.

[littleoddwriter]

Naughty | Roman Sionis x Male!Reader | Smut

"And last but not least 10, Roman/black mask x male reader (nsf/w again cuz we be horny). I don't have a super specific scenario for this, but it could either be reader genuinely doesn't know who they're talking to and Roman decided to teach them a lesson

Or reader knows *exactly* who they are talking to but is fishing for punishment/a lesson/just being a brat. You're welcome to decide what the lesson is (ideas include idk man spanking, orgasm delay/denial, public (am I thinking of an opposite to the other horny fic we came up with? where reader is not a good boy? maybe,,,,), whatever you want really lol)" @iscariot-rising​

summary; You’re in a mood and seek punishment from Roman to get out of your head for a bit. 

notes; KINKS: Daddy!Kink; Spanking; Sexual Punishment; Consensual, but neither safe nor sane tbh; Coming basically untouched; Slight exhibitionism. Male!Reader; PWP; Lemon; Smut; Using sexual punishment to stop feeling bad/thinking.

Having woken up after an awful night and feeling your mood decline with every thought that tumbled through your brain, you were feeling that need for Roman to put you in your place and make you lose every train of thought possible. Usually a good punishment would get you out of your head and that weird mood, because no doubt it would only get progressively worse the more you dwelled on it. Roman wouldn't punish you if you asked for it, though. He wanted you to have earned it. Fine by you. You would make sure you've earned it, alright.

Roman was downstairs at the club, which wasn't even due to open for several more hours. So you went and joined him there, seeing to whatever he was doing.

When you reached downstairs, you saw a couple of his men mopping the floor. It smelled awfully like bleach. It assaulted your nose for a moment, as you scrunched your face up in reaction to it.

Side-stepping the working men, you went further into the club's area and saw Roman sitting in a booth with Zsasz, cackling about something. There was some blood on Victor's face. That would explain what they've been doing then, and possibly even what they were laughing about.

When Roman finally noticed you coming closer, he sobered up a little at first, then a wide grin spread on his face. It still had some sadistic, sinister touch to it, but for the most part it was charming, happy even.

"Look at you, baby! What are you doing down here, hm?" He exclaimed, still grinning, as Zsasz looked at you curiously.

You sat down next to Roman and playfully smiled up at him. "Oh, you know, I got a little bored all by myself and wanted to see what you were doing."

"Did you now? And haven't I told you not to come downstairs when I'm busy here outside of business hours, baby?" His tone already took on a dangerous edge; so going down here despite knowing you weren't allowed to did pay off. Good.

"Ah, well, I might have forgotten, sorry," you said, not sounding sorry at all.

Roman hummed, his grin slowly vanishing from his face.

"You know I don't like it when my orders aren't being followed," he rasped.

Shivering, you bit your lower lip and grinned cheekily.

"Didn't know that applied to me as well, Daddy."

"Hmmm, you're just being a little shit now, sweet boy, aren’t you? What is it?"

"I'm not! It's nothing, Daddy, I promise! What should it be?" You said, playing up the part of being completely oblivious.

"Do you just act stupid or are you really it?" He rasped.

By then, you knew he had caught on, probably even knowing that you did it on purpose; but his quick temper often got the better of him when you played your cards right. Like right now.

"Now, now, Daddy! That's rude, isn't it? But that's to be expected from you."

You knew that what you just said would make his blood boil, it might have hurt him a little, too, but you were willing to pay that price right now.

Clenching his fists, he fixed you with a fierce glare. "Do you have any idea who you're talking to?"

"Of course I do, Daddy! But y'know, sometimes you really can be a little rude."

"Is that so? Do you hear that Zsasz?"

Zsasz nodded, "I think you should teach him a lesson, Boss."

You were sure that Victor wasn't talking about sexual punishment like you were aiming for, but rather peeling your mug off because he wanted Roman to himself.

"Yes, I believe you're right, I should. Would you be so kind and leave us alone then, Victor?" Roman said, looking at you intently.

Disappointment was clear in Victor's expression, but he got up without another word and left the two of you alone in the club, as the other staff had left by that point, too.

Roman nudged you, "C'mon, over my lap. Now."

Fucking finally!

Swallowing thickly, you shifted and leaned over his legs and laid face-down on his thighs, your chest and stomach pressing against them, while your ass was up for him to do whatever he liked with. He rubbed his gloved hand over your still clothed ass cheeks, seemingly admiring them.

"Count," was his only, huskily rasped, warning before he lifted his hand and let it come down on your right ass cheek, hard.

You yelped and moaned out a "One".

Then again. "Two."

Again. It felt harder. "Three."

This continued on until you reached spank number ten.

Because then, he reached under you and unbuttoned your pants, sliding them down your hips, over your straining erection, and over your butt, situating them right where thighs met cheeks. Your bottom already felt so fucking raw. Roman's spankings were always forceful. As much as he looked like he never lifted a finger on his own, he actually worked out, and it showed in his strength.

You've been hard and aching for the past three spanks already and you didn't know how many he's planned for you to receive. You might come practically untouched, depending on it, because your cock kept rubbing against the cushion beneath you and his thigh. It was driving you crazy before, when you were still clothed, and now, with your dick bared, it would only be so much worse.

All those thoughts were ripped from your mind, as his leather-clad hand came back down on your bare rump again, alternating between the left and right cheek and where he hit. It was relentless.

By the twenty-fith spank, your counting was barely intelligible anymore, as it was caught between shouts, moans and dry sobs.

Somewhere in the back of your mind, you figured that his hand must have gone numb by that point, but he kept spanking you. You could feel his hard cock against your stomach, though. So as unaffected as he seemed by all of this, he wasn't it entirely.

At the fiftieth hit, you couldn't control yourself anymore and came all over his thigh and the booth's cushions, sobbing and moaning pitifully, as tears streamed down your red face.

He stopped for a moment, rubbing over your cheeks soothingly, although it only made them burn more.

"Tell Daddy how sorry you are for disrespecting him and for coming unprompted all over him. C'mon," he rasped, his voice even deeper than before.

It took you a moment to even register what he's said. You blinked rapidly, trying to come back to the now. You felt so floaty.

"Sorry, Daddy." It was a quiet, unintelligible mumble.

"I didn't quite hear you there, sweet cheeks. Try again." To underline what he just said, he spanked you twice on each cheek again.

Obediently, you slurred the numbers. He paused again.

"Daddy, I- I'm sorry. 'm so sorry," you mumbled a little louder, your voice shaking.

"'Kay then," he whispered.

Roman then lifted his hand off your ass and helped you to sit up. You were so out of it that you just barely registered the pain it caused to sit.

"Ew, you've made a fucking mess of my suit pants. Ugh," you could faintly hear him complain.

A moment later he had gotten up apparently, as you felt his arms around you. One around your back, under you arms and gripping onto your side, and the other one under your thighs. Then he lifted you up, bridal style.

"Let's get you upstairs and taken care of, my little prince."

Completely out of it, you smiled and pressed your wet, red face into his chest. Your plan had worked out to the best possible result. 

[hood-ex]

For the post about plot bunnies for short fic about Dick and Jason! 1) Dick and Jason going train-surfing before his death and after his return. 2) 1st time one of them got the other a birthday gift. 3) Jason finding out that Dick was the one who finally took down the memorial case in the Batcave and realizing his brother hated that thing as much as he did. 4) Bonding over ranting about Dad. 5) Jason lowkey trying to get Dick and Kory back together cuz he shipped them hard when he was younger.

@bigskydreaming​ These are all great prompts! I decided to take a whack at #2. I might write for some of the other prompts though. Anyways, hope what I wrote is somewhat satisfying lmao. 

Link to read on AO3

Jason’s so glad the 250 pound goon he was fighting earlier decided to leave him with a brand new spankin’ set of bruised ribs. Really, truly, he shouldn’t have given Jason such a nice gift for his birthday. The goon should’ve been embarrassed though. Giving Jason the same gift his dad used to give him? Tsk, tsk. Tactless.

Jason sucks in air through his teeth, mentally preparing himself for the pain, and then tries to sit up. He barely raises himself up three inches before sharp pain shoots up his torso and forces him to thunk back against the rooftop floor. Yeah, okay, he really doesn’t want to try that again.

This is just great.

He sighs. There’s nothing that says happy birthday quite like staring up at the smog that keeps him from seeing any of the stars he’d normally wish on or the fact that he’s probably lying on heaps of bird shit. Alfie is definitely going to give him the stink eye for the latter.

A shadow crosses over the corner of the rooftop. It doesn’t look distinctly Batman shaped.

Jason tenses and reaches for the smoke pellet in his belt. Normally he chooses fight over flight, but he doesn’t want to take any chances with his ribs this time. Creating a distraction and then using whatever adrenaline he can muster to get the hell away is probably the smartest decision. That’s what Batman would say, anyways.

Whoever is creeping around is being way too quiet. Goons don’t usually bother being quiet around Jason. They just see him as a small kid in a costume. An easy target. The whole Robin getup is good for creating that kind of misconception.

“Hey, shorty,” a somewhat familiar voice drawls right before a guy in a blue costume flips into Jason’s view.

Black hair. Plunging neckline. A collar somewhat akin to the cone of shame.

Nightwing.

Jason relaxes his muscles, relieved, and stares at Dick in surprise.

Dick’s got a big stupid grin on his face. The niceness of it is what throws Jason off. He’s still not used to people smiling at him and shit. He’s used to grins that are meant for mocking or that are sleazy and spell trouble. Dick Grayson’s grin is none of those things. His is all playful and good-intentioned. Something about it feels safe, and safe’s not something Jason feels a lot outside of the manor.

“Hey, Old-Timer,” Jason says, “fancy seeing you here.”

He suddenly remembers how much his ribs hurt when he tries to sit up again to see Dick better. He can’t help the small sound of pain he lets out as he settles back into his original position. God, bruised ribs are such a bitch.

Jason can’t see Dick’s eyes because of his mask, but he just knows Dick is looking him over from head to toe, mind probably tripping over itself to analyze Jason’s situation.

“You good?” Dick asks, already kneeling by Jason’s side.

“Oh, totally,” Jason says. He tries to adjust his position without hurting himself more. “Sometimes I just come up here by myself to stare at the smog. Just contemplating the rampant amount of pollution in the city—ow fuck. I don’t know if Bruce told you, but I’m an environmentalist first and Robin second. I’ve always been that way. Since the womb.”

Dick frowns and presses his fingers against Jason’s pulse point. “Have you been drugged?”

Jason smacks Dick’s hand away. “No, I haven’t been drugged! I got my ribs busted by some Hulk Hogan wannabe.”

“Ouch,” Dick winces in sympathy. “Been there, felt that.”

“Yeah, well, how about you give me a hand so I can stop rolling around in bird shit.”

The worried furrow in Dick’s brow melts away and is replaced by an amused grin. God, Jason needs to learn how to become immune to Dick’s stupidly genuine face. It’s stuff like that that makes it easy for Jason to see why Bruce has such a hard time letting Dick go. And if he’s honest with himself, he’s a little bit jealous that Dick can warm people over so easily. If Dick is the gooey middle of a s’more then Jason is the hard-coated graham cracker that takes a little time to chew through.

“I’m going to lift you up a bit and then I’m going to come under your arm so you can stand up, capeesh?” Dick says, moving just beside Jason’s right shoulder.

“Capeesh?” Jason grunts in pain as Dick levers him upwards. “Who are you? Uncle Jesse?”

While Jason’s torso is off the ground, Dick positions himself under Jason’s right arm and then quickly, but gently, helps Jason onto his feet. Jason squeezes his eyes shut and takes a few deep breaths while he waits for the pain to calm down.

“You’re alright, you’re alright,” Dick assures him softly, draping his arm over Jason’s shoulders.

If anyone asks, Jason totally does not lean into Dick for support, he does not. He just. Trips. Into Dick’s side. Yup. That’s what happens. The bird shit is witness to it.

“Would this be a bad time to tell you that I got you a birthday present?” Dick asks suddenly, taking Jason off guard.

“Birthday present? What birthday present? How did you know today’s my birthday?” Jason demands, leaning closer to Dick’s face so he can stare into Dick’s… eyelets.

Dick places a finger on Jason’s forehead and gently shoves him backward.

“O ye of little faith. Give me some credit. You think your big bro doesn’t know when your birthday is?”

Jason stares at him with a knowing look.

“Alfie told you, didn’t he?”

Even though he meant it lightheartedly, he’s a little surprised to see how Dick’s mouth tightens into a frown.

“B sure as hell didn’t,” Dick grouches in a tone Jason’s come to associate with Dick and Bruce’s yelling matches.

“Yeah,” Jason drawls, “I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole.”

Dick’s expression levels back into a neutral look. “Right, yeah.” He gives Jason’s shoulder a squeeze as a silent apology. “So do you want your gift or not?”

Thank God for Dick’s ability to smoothly change the subject.

“You know you’re not supposed to ask stupid questions in the field,” Jason says in mock horror. Dick makes a bitch face at him and Jason cackles. “Too bad Poison Ivy isn’t around to give you some aloe for that sick burn!”

Dick stares at him before walking towards the edge of the roof.

“Wait!” Jason says, quickly snagging Dick by the wrist. His ribs only scream a little bit, but honestly, who’s paying attention to that kind of thing when the person with his present is about to disappear into the night. “Fine, fine, fine. I’ll stop being a brat. Although, for the record, you’re an asshole for even pretending to leave me all alone with my busted ribs.”

Dick’s stupid grin makes a reappearance.

“An asshole and a brat walk into a bar—”

“Shut up,” Jason says, shoving Dick away from him. “Are you going to make me stand up here for eternity or can we get to the whole gift-giving thing.”

Jason’s not sure what he expects the gift to be. From what he knows, Dick’s not exactly rolling in money, so he doesn’t expect it to be something as extravagant as what he received earlier in the day. Alfred gave him six new books and also made him a buffet of breakfast food. Then Bruce had given him a new bookcase for his room, an insanely gaudy watch Jason doesn’t know what the hell he’s going to do with, and an entire set of baseball equipment for him to play with in the yard.

Compared to his other birthdays, the gifts he got this year are almost too much to comprehend. Hell, the price of the watch alone will probably be enough to put him through college. The gifts are nice but… overwhelming. Honestly, Jason doesn’t think he deserves shit that nice. It’s not like he can refuse them, though. It’ll make him sound like an ungrateful little snot, and Jason doesn’t want to give Bruce that impression at all.

“I’ve only been in your room once,” Dick says as he pops open a compartment on his glove, “and I saw a Poison Idea poster over your bed. So—” he brandishes two blue rectangular pieces of paper in front of Jason.

Eyes wide, Jason snatches them from Dick’s hand. “Holy shit—”

“I got you two tickets to their concert,” Dick finishes with a smile.

Jason stares at the tickets and reads the print on them over and over again. Hands shaking, he throws his arms above his head, ignoring the sharp pain it causes.

“Shut the fuck up! No way! No waaay, dude!” he chatters. He grabs onto Dick’s arm and shakes it in excitement. “You’re not allowed to be this cool! Dude, what? Are these real?”

Dick’s sudden laughter only fuels more excitement in Jason’s chest. He shoves at Dick again.

“Don’t even tell me these are good seats, dude. Like. These are nosebleed seats or something, right?”

“Nosebleed?” Dick squawks indignantly. “These are VIP tickets! You get access to the venue before general admission and you get to meet the band backstage.”

“What!” Jason yells, genuinely shaking now. “Di—Nightwing! Are you serious?”

Dick laughs again and grabs onto Jason’s shoulders to squeeze them. “Yes, I am completely serious.”

There’s a feeling in Jason’s chest that he’s not sure how to describe. It’s a weird mixture of excitement and gratitude and… awe. It’s something he only feels rarely. Kind of like the first time he went out as Robin or like the time he got to work with the Titans. Special moments like that.

Jason reads the print on the tickets one last time, unwilling to vocalize just how touched he is that Dick’s given him such a personalized gift. He didn’t expect to get anything from Dick at all. Hell, he didn’t even expect a phone call, knowing how busy Dick is. And now that Dick’s given him one of his favorite gifts he’s ever gotten, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Doesn’t know how to act.

All he can think of is to extend his fist and to blurt out a quick, “Thanks.”

Luckily for him, Dick’s had a lot of time to adapt to emotionally inept people. Dick extends his own fist and bumps it against Jason’s.

“No problem. Happy birthday, Little Wing.”

Notes:

I don’t know if any of you have ever hurt your ribs before, but I’ve bruised mine, and trying to move was a bitch. My mom had to help me sit up because it was too painful to bend my torso. I don’t know why in fics people constantly break the batfam’s ribs and then have them running around like it’s no big deal. So that’s why Jason is like I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up.

In comics, Robin Jason called Dick “Old-Timer” and Dick called Jason “shorty” and “Little Wing”. So I incorporated that into the story.

Jason referring to Dick as Uncle Jesse is a reference to the TV show Full House. On the show, Uncle Jesse asks “capeesh?” a lot when he’s talking to his nieces or sons.

Poison Idea is an actual band that Jason used to like when he was Robin. In comics, he had a Poison Idea poster on his wall and I thiiink he might of also had a shirt with their name on it. So yeah. Jason is a punk rock bitch.

[elejahfanfic]

The Vampire Files/1

Fanfiction

Part 1

AU crossover story

Elena  Gilbert and Nick Amaro are FBI agents, investigating paranormal activity and all different strange cases involving demons, witchcraft, vampires.

There will be other tvd/to characters in it. All of them and they will all have different roles, completely different than those on TVD/TO and some Law&Order svu characters like Olivia Benson.

As always- love plays a great part too!

I hope you enjoy this story- as always thanks for reading. xoxo

@miguelsbrat​

a/n: blame this one me still watching Law&Order svu and other shows  like Penny Dreadful, City of Angels. And been rewatching X files and - cuz I can’t get enough of Nick, the detectiveguapo.  😊

****

Elena Gilbert extended her condolences to her partner's wife.

"I am so sorry", the Agent said,"Jackson was a really good man."

"Yes, he was."Freya said numb. Elena could see in the woman's eyes that she still blamed her for her husband's death. To tell her that she was going to do everything to avenge her partner was not appropriate at that moment. Elena just nodded as a goodbye to the woman and walked off.

To be a Special agent of the FBI was a tough job. Death was everywhere. A daily occurrence. She has seen the most heinous crimes in the seven years she had been with the Bureau, and although she looked like she was stoned faced and nothing much moved her, she hid a very warm and tormented heart under the made up facade. The picture of Jackson with his heart ripped out kept lingering in her head and although she tried to block it with her usual methods of removing herself from the pain, it still was so vivid and it made her contemplate leaving her job altogether.

****

At the FBi HQ- the Executive Assistant Director stood up greeting Special agent Nick Amaro offering him a seat. The Agent  sat down ready to listen why he was brought in taken away from a case he was investigating. The two men obviously knew each other well, but still there was a certain coldness that made this meeting a very brief affair.

"It is the extension of the X-files, you are familiar with I know. Elena Gilbert, your new partner, has been working on it for the last two years. I believe you have heard that she had lost her partner two weeks ago."

"I have. And I suppose you are assigning me to the X-files?!" Nick said with no particular emotion.

The EAD passed him the file Elena and Jackson were working on adding a simple yes.

"That is all, I guess." the Agent  said taking the folder standing up.

"This is off record" Rafael Barba said. "Just so you know, you were not reassigned because of the shooting. We thought that agent Gilbert would need someone with your expertise."

"Is that all?" Nick sais standing up, ready to leave.

The man just nodded and with that Nick left the office. He wasn't particularly surprised at the reassignment. And it had all to do with the shooting. Him losing his cool for a moment was something he knew he would pay severely. He took his phone and pressed the speedial.

*********

Meanwhile

Elena walked in her office. Another agent was waiting for her to leave the last forensic data she had received.

"Wasn't expecting you here today." Olivia said as she handed her the file over.

Elena sat down at her desk. "If I work and get Jackson's killer then I am useful. I just couldn't be there any longer or go the house. Freya still blames me. And maybe she is right. This is all my fault."

        "Come on. He was a professional. And you were in far worse situations before." Olivia said.

"We should have done it differently. Like all the the text book stuff got lost on the way. I don't know. I am playing it over and over in my head at what moment the investigation went so out of hand. I will almost believe he was cursed. Like that voodoo priest said." Elena lamented.

The women were interrupted by the knock on the door and a man walking in greeting them politely as he introduced himself, "Hello. Agent Nick Amaro. I've been assigned to -  I’m your new partner."

Elena stood up looking at him nodding a little. She knew that eventually someone would be assigned to take Jackson's place, "Gilbert -uhm, this is Olivia Benson, FSS ( Forensic Science Service)"

Olivia welcomed the Agent and then excused hersel, leaving the Agents.

Elijah looked around at a very small office. with the most strangest posters and a board of It felt like he was demoted. But it actually it didn't matter. They would be out in the field lot more than in his place. He walked over to the desk that was set exactly opposite from Elena's. It was still cluttered with Jackson's things and notes, other personals stuff, like the photo of his wife.

"Yes. I have not yet come to clearing it up. It will be done today." Elena said standing up, taking the photo off the desk and collecting the notes jotted on the papers scattered on it.

“I know how it feels.”Nick inhaled softly.  He remembered his own loss. Losing a partner is one of the hardest things, as this person is more than a friend. Someone you put your lives in hands on a daily basis, especially in their line of the work. He knew of her, seeing her in the building numerous times, and always wondered how someone like her got to work with the Bureau. 'She is tough as nails' Rollins said to Nick once as they had heard of a case a kidnapping of a little girl being solved by her and Jackson a year before.

"Nick Amaro - Ah, I remember now. You worked on the cold cases, and then with the Jeffersonian. Here it is about monsters and paranormal. Voodoo, witchcraft, demons. Take your pick."

"I heard you have PhD in demonology?!" Nick said.

"Did you not read my resume. Anyway, how do you stand on that?" Elena shot back.

"Demons? am here to investigate criminal activities. I had a fair share of twisted cases."

"Twisted cases, ha?" Elena said not so happy his take on it.

"Maybe not a clever choice of words." Nick corrected himself seeing the deadly look she gave him.

"Maybe." Elena said. "so, I guess you read the file?!"

"I did. Actually skimmed through it. I heard also that another body was found in Virginia, Mystic Falls." Nick said.

"Yes. All drained of blood. No markings on the obvious places, suspecting vampire activity."

"Vampire activity?" Nick said with a surprise in his voice.

"Yes," Elena replied,"File under the number 88. Vampires, beings from who subsists by feeding on the life essence, generally in the form of blood, of living creatures. "Oh, I guess they will finally send someone down to install your own computer. We are here like non-existent as you can see. It's like weird doesn't really is real."

"Agent Benson brought the forensics in? Nick now asked to change the mood.

Elena handed the latest update sheet to him."There."

As soon as he entered the room she noticed a certain assurance and command in his demeanor. He was about the work. There was no reason for her to act so defensively towards him. She knew very well that someone would be assigned to take Jackson's place. But, his appearance made the reality that Jackson was gone for good absolute. And it was harsh. Jackson's dead face came back to her and suddenly went pale.

Nick noticed the change in her. "Gilbert, are you all right?"

"Fine." Elena replied coolly, obviously trying to hide the pain.

"No, you're not. And it's perfectly acceptable. You are allowed to grieve."

Elena just put a small dismissive smile on as if thanking him for his truthful concern, but she was not ready for anything personal yet, so she overrode the moment and continued to talk about the case.                  

Nick listened, letting her brief him fully. It was clear that there was vulnerability under the facade of a woman made out of steel. He listened to her like in a trance. Everything about her captured his soul from the moment he walked into the office. This he could not deny, although he ignored it.

*****

Elsewhere

Rebekah walked in the diner, and sat down at the table at the end, taking her phone out, reading a message. The waitress came around with the cup of coffee, serving her, "Bad day?"

Rebekah thanked her for the coffee and replied, "I had worse."

The waitress left and she put the phone aside and looked out. It was still raining. There were days one wish they could be erased altogether. This was one of these days for Dr Rebekah St. Claire. She looked at her finger, where once a diamond ring was.

Flashback "I can't do this Bex. And it's noz because I don't love you. But, I am not myself. Everything inside of me is about the kidnapping. You've seen me. I could have hurt you yesterday. I can't. Let's call this all off" Marcel said.

"Please- we can do therapy- together. You can't just- go-" Rebekah said tearing up feeling like someone had kicked her in the guts.

Marcel felt the same- and looking at her so cut made his psychosis brew up wanting to set the world on fire for having messed with him.

”I can't” he slipped and walked out of the room.

Her attention was soon diverted by her friend Caroline, who sat down opposite from the doctor.

"Hey" Caroline just said without adding anything else. She knew all about her fiance's trouble.

"It hurts. And - you know what today is?"

"Yes. Would have been W-day"

"And look at it- pissing down with rain," Rebekah said, "maybe it is telling me something."

"I know this sounds like a cliche- but it will get easier" Caroline said.

"Not till I know that he is healed - somehow"

"You still blame yourself - the kidnapping had nothing to do with you" Caroline tried to comfort her friend.

"Come on, Caroline, we know it's not true. I had the evidence."

"And you could not give them - we don't negotiate with criminals" the blonde reminded her.

"No-" Rebekah said pensively.

Caroline's phone buzzed and she answered it-

"Klaus?- No. Still waiting the evidence to be released. Yeah- Later"

"You still hate his guts?" Rebekah now remarked "Pretty much. Hate having to work as his deputy" Caroline said.

"But since he was appointed as DA things are getting done- and you rock as a team"

"Can we not talk about him and work. Pie?" Caroline suggested.

Rebekah  nodded as in yes, please.

********** At the FBI HQ

Nick was left reading Elena's notes from the File 88 - as she was called away to the Field Director.

He tried to cross-reference the data with the present case. Everything indicated that Elena was right. This murder was very much related to these mythical creatures.

A knock at the door made Nick look up as a man entered asking for Elena.

"Hi. Elena?" the man said, obviously inquiring for her whereabouts.

"Out," Nick said simply,"you are?" He knew who the man was, but he still wanted formal introduction, "Agent Salvatore, Stefan."

"Nick Amaro" the Agent replied turning away from the file.

"You"re her new partner?!"' Stefan cocked an eyebrow at the Agent.

"I am." Nick replied adding,"leaving a message?"

"No. I will call her later. See you" Stefan said and exited the office.

Nick returned to reading the file when his phone buzzed.

"Third body appeared in the woods," Elena informed him, “I’m outside.”

Swiping the call off, he put his coat on and went out.

*******

Elsewhere

Caroline walked in the pub called 'Georgetown' putting down her bag on the bar stool next to Stefan.

"What are you having?" Stefan asked.

"The same as you." Caroline said."it stopped raining."

"It did. I went to see Elena. She got a new partner." Stefan informed his friend.

"So, she did?! Who is it?"

"Nick Amaro" Stefan said.

"Right." Caroline said."I tried to call her. Today was Jackson's funeral. She hasn't answered any of my calls yet."

"She has just sent me a message that she is going to be out of town for a few days. The case." Stefan updated the attorney.

"She is allowed time off, but she has not taken one day off," Caroline said,"one day she will come crushing down."

"Not until this case is over and they find Jackson's killer." Stefan said."But even then she might just sweep it under the mental carpet."

Caroline now took the Bourbon that was served- and inhaled sharply.

*******

Three and a half hours later, Elena and Nick arrived in Mystic Falls. Although it was quite late, Elena wanted to see the Sheriff and get a brief update.

"Sheriff Donovan? Elijah said.

"Yes," Matt said,"come to my office."

Elena and Nick followed the Sheriff in. As they recieved the report, Elena asked when she could see the body. And of course it was first thing in the morning.

“Right.” Elena muttered and then asked if there was anywhere they could grab something to eat.

"The Grill. It’s the best place if you like home made type of food." Matt said.

"Pie - I actually really need some pie." Elena said.

“They served the best pie in all of Virginia” the Sheriff replied putting his hat on. “I’m on my way there, too.”

Soon, Elena and Nick were at the Grill with a burger and a slice of apple pie each.

After taking a bit of the pie, Elena seemed to change into a different person, making Elijah say, "Lack of sugar?"

"I think better when I had something sweet.” Elena said raising her eyebrow at her new partner.

Nick looked at her as if taking notes.

"Ready for the vampire hunt?"

"Excuse me?"

"Everything you said on the way here makes perfect sense, but trust me everything will defy logic." Elena said.

She spoke as if she already knew that they would be tapping in the dark, and there was a whiff of darkness from her heart kicking at him. A strange kind of resignation. It was not that particular case, it was clear to him that she was talking about Jackson's case.

"Agent Salvatore is on Agent Kenner's case?!" Nick then said.

Elena nodded with a small bitter smile.

How, why- at that moment he wished he could take the pain away from those stone cold dark eyes.

Come out while the rain is gone Slow down breathing on your road And the world keeps spinning around while we dive in it And the world is . in stone leaving marks on our skin

[shnowbilicat]

How kids ruin the internet

(This could get kinda long soo yee :’3)

It didn’t get past me that Sonic93, the famous/infamous ranter who did videos with Amy-Chan calling out DA peepz, got themselves in a huge drama of their own. Little Fun Fact: I actually wtched all of those vids and even liked them alot back in the day. Back then they were interesting, entertaining and I even started to stalk out Jane’s, previously known as Akai, Ink Bunny page to see what she would be up to.

But I always had a weird feeling in the back of my mind; I mean, alot of the things Sonic93, Amy-Chan and many more on YouTube said about Jane were ... weird to me.

For example, the thing about Sonic being not in character is confusing to me. People pointed out he’s not acting like the Sonic from the games ... so? Neither is my Sonic, he never really did back then, nor does he now and that’s totally fine. Everybody has their own Universe, if they like it or not, some things are different, even if you ‘stay in the canon’.

Or the fact that her own Sonic OC, formerly called Akai Dalia, looked like Amy. Bruh ... do you need glasses? Want mine? Cuz I can see the similarities, Akai is a female hedgehog with a magenta fur and green eyes... aaand that’s it.

I’m not really going much more into this, since that’s not the point of this here post. What I AM focusing  on is the aftermath about all that.

This is speculation, so don’t take these things as fact, but due to the rants on the following people, their lives changed very bad.

Jane changing her own character, left DA, before returning and having a huge warning that says that she won’t allow the name ‘Akai Dalia’ to be used on her.

Then there is Brandon, or YoshiWii1 for those who remember. After the rants he pretty much left the internet as a whole and had to deal with his mental health. Bruh, this dude can’t look at anything Sonic related anymore and that’s just sad.

Amy-Chan herself had to deal with Sonic93′s abusive relationship with her.

And Sonic93 has dug her own grave and refuses to think or learn about her mistakes. Her obsession for a fictional character is going to be her downfall, espacially if she lashes out on people because of her love for said character

Please make sure to look up any videos about this situation itself, since I’m horrible at sharing information :’3

In any case though, this really felt close to home actually. If anybody remembers my breakdown on DA about the Purple Man drama-situation-thingy.

tl;dr a very popular artist left the FNAF community because their version of the Purple Man got so popular and glorified that people started sending creepy and sexual messages towards their character,.

This though got even bigger and more horrible when people started to harrass other artists about their version of the PM. Mind you, alot of people really liked that version, which was a simple design considering that it hardly was any different than the sprites we see in the games, and started using it.

I was one of these artists. Now, I didn’t get harrassed exactly, though I wasn’t allowed to upload my own PM art to the biggest FNAF group on DA and got a couple of comments saying that Vincent ain’t canon or whatever. There was also that one time when someone grabbed a crossover AU thing, featuring Vincent as a skeleton from Undertale and putting it into a Reddit that’s all about making fun of ‘cringy’ stuff ... I can distinctly recall someone saying something along the lines of ‘ Why must failed abortions ruin the things I love?’ (I seriously looked up the post I made back then on DA and it’s still there, yay~, though now the Reddit seems to have called their tits and do some nice (???) stuff idk o3o)

At that time of all the PM stuff I was severly depressive, because of my own IRL reasons, so this ... this was heavy on me. Being scared to be called out, cancled for having a Purple Man,

I admit whole heartedly here; my Purple Man was based on that popular PM. I didn’t get around him afterall either, so inspiration was a requirement pretty much. I took the aspects of long, tied up purple hair and the name from that PM and of course alot of inspiration got to Vinnie’s Ghost design. But that’s it, after I made Vinc, I concentrated myself on my own FNAF AU, so I don’t even know what all happened in the fandom.

But I do see alot of people in fandoms going up to others and try to cancle them, say how much their wrong, without thinking or talking it out. Nobody, and I say NOBODY talked it out with me back in the day. The Admins of the DA group said to me that if I wanted my PM art on there, I had to change Vincent’s design. That’s it, no talking, no figuring out anything. It hurt that artist that people were creepy to this specific character and the rest, the innocents that are merely associated get to suffer for it.

Just back in June 2018 I got someone who argued with me about ‘Vincent’ being a nickname for William Afton, because they were very adamant that William is confirmed canon. I admit, I was really nervious talking to them and probably got really defensive too, but I  tried to explain to them that I’m an old fan and about AUs being a thing, but no, no resolution sadly.

And all of these things come down to this: Kids are stupid.

I’m positive that most of these people were and are kids. Kids who didn’t and still don’t know any better. Kids who follow their favorite creator without question, who don’t want to be part of the problem so they side with spreading the drama, kids who don’t understand that having canon characters act or look different is OKAY, kids who don’t know about AUs, kids who weren’t there, back some years ago when the community and fandom started.

So ... all my ramblings aside, I think this is unacceptable. Not trying to be understanding, being adamant, agressive and refusing to open their mind is killing fandoms and is one of the reasons any kind of fandom is toxic af.

After everything that has happened to me over the course of 11+ years on the internet, I ended up being anxious of talking to people, literally getting my anxioety and depression triggered by Purple Man art or just mentions, not being able to look up any fandom stuff of fear getting beaten down and much more.

Just little things can break down a person, so please be mindful and talk to people you think are ‘toxic’ or get ranted on or you think they made a mistake.

I’m still working on my own anxiety towards ‘negative’ comments about my Purple Man, even if it’s really tough for me. But I really REALLY don’t want anybody to go through things I did, or the things Jane and Brandon went through, or anybody else who got cancled because of their passions.

And to make my points clear one last time;

Let people have their own Universes. Let people have their own Characters. Let people enjoy themselves. Have an open mind.

Be NICE in your fandoms!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

weird to think back on things like the funky experience of being The All A’s/B’s gang and then The All A’s person during middle school and the Smart Kid designation cuz we all have a godawful time within the k-12 education system and also in Higher Education / academia as well and the setup isn’t like, good for anyone though natch between the “lack of attention / occasional positive attention” and “frequent / negative attention” ends of the experience the former is preferable; apparently weird to have been Good Student passing b/c again idk i have good retention and could memorize shit in homeroom for a quiz that day and that was great b/c actually i had godawful / nonexistent study habits and actually basically hated school and did anything last minute and all but like whatever, i could figure out / understand and remember shit more efficiently / faster than usual so like, idk, i’d get wild results ig. and anyways yeah Smart Kid throughout all of k-12 but like, although i don’t think i’m Not smart in any way, it’s like, but no i hated school and never really tried, that inferred correlation wasn’t there but like also there’s the weird Presumed Identity for you. and it Was weird b/c idk i was like, okay? “perpetually nebulous / imprecise / uncertain sense of identity” gang out here and i’m like hmm okay Am i “the good grades getter?” and then apparently you are cuz like welp that’s the Expectation, and also in my case i was also in the “oops let’s minimize ptsd party” gang of Gotta Get As/Bs motivation..............the point is like, it’s funny how despite that concept of what The A’s Getter is, by now i’m like oh but that’s not even like, my Main Thing, much less my Whole thing. my main thing is that i get wildly interested and passionate about stuff and when i’m really about shit i’m So about it and into it and all that yknow. and it’s like, would be cool if i hadn’t had to like, first fight past this arbitrary Assigned Box to even start to figure out what i’m Really like. but Schools aren’t out here about like allowing for people to be varied individuals and shit. plus, weirdly i’m not sure if i hadn’t had that “Positive” Label to supplant any others that my autistic ass would’ve been largely left alone as much as it generally was............even I didn’t get through middle school w/o some light bullying peppered in there but hey for the most part i got by. and like, i remember 15 was a time for a wild Agonizing Spike cuz that was the point i was having to try to settle on a college major and i was like bitch i don’t know!!! for starters how is every 19 / 20 y.o supposed to know!!! but like litchrelly a year and a half ago my ass was in middle school and barely had any opportunities to individually choose what to pursue, and even if i Had an interest i would sometimes assume if it didn’t seem like The Smart Kid choice i would just assume that like, my interest would only be Allowed to go so far. so yeah i’m 14-15 for the first time having a little breathing room and allowed to pick out my own shit and investigate various stuff (cuz of the luck of getting to live on campus aka parents are Not around and i can be around for more than just Classes) and yet like, that wasn’t enough time to suddenly Fully Realize The Whole Of My Own Identity And What My Actual Passions And Life Goals And Etc Are. plus i kinda remember that i figured i’d flunk out and so was kinda Not spending freshman year expecting to actually be able to do this college thing.....so yeah i always distinctly remember the Stress of sophomore year with this Timer counting down of “gotta declare a major oh god” and trying somehow to Realize What I’m Even Like (i did partially lmao outside of the Academic aspect of it) and obviously like, that’s a Lot.......................plus it was kind of doomed anyways cuz i do remember that when i even mentioned the fact of like “hey what if i majored in ______ [cuz i’m evidently actually like thinking social issues are what i’m thinking i could dedicate my attention to, i’m 15 idk trying to figure this shit out]” and it got immediately brushed off cuz of my mom’s assumptions about what i was like based on my being Smart(tm) and my not wanting to tell my parents about anything Actually about myself by that point so that was like..........well cool to know that that’s not an option for me anymore thanks to immediate dismissal........................like i totally remember that by sophomore year i was def Swiss Idol and “i don’t have a clue what to major in” was a big part of that 9_9...............and like, doing college early is kinda crazy but also Not having high school to mayyyybe figure things out for a bit before hurtling towards Declare Major at 92384 mph is like, would it have helped? who can say. but for example, i know Now i’m a theatre gay, and the limited number of friends-ish i made at college was basically all theatre gays what a surprise, but i myself didn’t ever touch that because i had No direct experience with it, because middle school didn’t have that extracurricular, and then being dropped into hs with people who did? i was like fuck i’m not auditioning for shit i really don’t know how to do. i’m not even Supposed To Be Here goddamn!! i can karaoke avpm in the first floor lounge that’s IT!! fuckin r.i.p. but i mean also i Know high school is it’s own fuckin mess that’s hardly like “flourish as individuals!!” all a sudden. like how i don’t know if i’d’ve been “solid B’s” gang if i would’ve had more room to just figure out my own shit earlier, or if things would’ve been even More miserable cuz of my replacement Type being something more frowned upon cuz weird loser was def waiting in the wings............and then of course Smart Kid expectation constraints wasn’t hardly the only issue in holding back that “oh wait but what am i like *Actually*” process cuz if i was in high school i would’ve been around my parents every day and That was just as much if not more a hindrance in figuring myself out. like going to college may have been useful in that yes i did learn shit but if nothing else i am glad for it b/c the strides i made in “god damn i have to get away from these people (my parents lmfao)” and knowing at least that i’m not Like what THEY thought i was like was E ssen tial Knowledge..........but anyhow like the point of looking back on this shit isn’t to figure out How To Have Run The Perfect Course cuz obviously what’s the point in imagining as broad a what-if, but it’s good for Understanding shit currently..........like oh yeah this crap probably Affected me!! and you gotta know the history to understand the present...............it’s just really wild how like, Passion and (rarely activated) Energy And Intense Interest is like, what i consider my Thing now, and that was like. not what i ever heard anyone else tell me that’s what i’m Like, like, ever basically. i mean not that i don’t think i’m Not smart. it’s just like, not my whole thing and it just kinda feels more incidental, right. What If the whole time i’d been able to pursue whatever i felt like is a wiiiiiiiild question i don’t even know. there’s been so Little of that that’s its absolutely off the shits to be able to put together “oh right i’ve been a theatre gay all along” and “actually i Have performed on stage a decent number of times and supremely thrived in those experiences and i Know i was interested cuz i wished like (@ my family: dni)” and have this very simple (and thus far unusable) Knowledge about something i actually like and am interested in, cuz for the most part it’s [??? ?? ? ?? ???]

on a shorter but related note: the Camaraderie i feel with everyone in the “either has or wants to or would even seriously consider Cutting Ties with parent/s" gang and like, always very Interested in the various experiences within this v broad category. cuz there are so many factors playing into Why you’re in this group and then there’s so many factors in regards to whether someone actually feels able to ditch a ‘rent or two, and then beyond that, all the factors in whether someone’s actually able to............like, knowing that it’s never “lucky” to have to be in this group in the first place, i fairly am Lucky about it in many ways cuz, first of all, lucky to have been able to actually execute [eff off from parents] maneuver, and lucky to get to Know that’s what i totally needed to do........we are all Valide in how we try to deal with relations w/ parents that are so bad you even have to think about “maybe i have to Not Have This Person In My Life At All” and like, when people are dealing with that but Don’t feel they have the option to truly cut that parent or two out of their life, that’s like, well as someone who once felt that way and can Empathize and yet also had these Factors Line Up which let me peace out which aren’t factors that are in play for everyone (as well as a lack of other factors which Are relevant for others and which might mean Leaving Behind Parent/s 5eva isn’t an option they’d consider) it’s like Oh wow, let me hear more about that experience. tldr the camaraderie

oh and ps. it’s funny how like, in my post-being-in-school life, i thiiiiiiiink people usually probably assume i’m Kinda Dumb if anything. cuz the Grades don’t exist anymore but i’m still autistic!!!!! which is another wild factor in thinking about like “well what if [some aspect of my life] had been entirely different, hmmm” cuz it’s like. well i’d’ve still been autistic lmao..............the Social shit has like, been an issue even before the other usual shit in school cuz i Knew i wasn’t fitting in at preschool when all we were doing was like, learning colors and going outside. and it always was a bit distressing to me Never really having more than a couple friends and even then not that close or anything, right? and also how i’d try to Fix this with various strategies and trying out different situations like “oh well i’m not putting myself out there i’ll put myself out there” [tries it and it half-backfires] or “well if i’m spending a weekend with people who know me from Online they’re gonna like me for sure” [majority of ppl in a sub Friend Group i’m peripheral to and i’m intermittently stressed the whole time] “Ah Fuck” lmao and honestly only recently am i like oh right..............when you’re autistic socializing just in a very fundamental way is really like That*.................(*a way i can’t easily explain lmao)............like really just in mad recent times kind of realizing like, oh, okay, i don’t think i can ever Adjust My Approach and just suddenly become good at Easily Makes Friends and that kind of shit..............finally just kinda realizing like ohh right okay i really just do Not do “normal good conversation” like you’re supposed to and that’s just chill The Way It Is not necessarily “not good enough at it” way but It Just Is Different way like........yeah it can be Not Pointless to try to modify your social approach and that’s true for absolutely anyone, but like say, if i’m like oh if i simply get Better at [social interaction task] i will then finally be Good at it, it’s like, shit well that’s honestly just not how it works for me. like, #getting how after a point it’s like “okay learning to do [task] in a way that’s more [like this] is maybe gonna be better for Masking / seeming allistic but like, not for Actually giving me a social experience that’s more fulfilling for Me.” Plus, it’s like, i’m also way more (or okay at least As Much) socially limited by external factors, probably. 

pps oh and also, tangentially related b/c Autistique, it’s wild how every time you delve into (something At All specific about autism) you’ll probably learn something Utterly new about autism which is like god damn this isn’t That niche why haven’t i heard this!! why do i have to know there are 538 other would-be “i should already know this” revelations waiting for me about this topic cuz you have to manage to dig up this stuff on your own and dodge all the unhelpful bullshit types of sites where it’s Not about info from people / for people who are autistic? please. it’s almost like this is a constant and important part of my identity that affects p much every aspect of my life and is helpful to hear others’ info about the collective experience of it b/c like, it’s literally all in your own head and you can’t just somehow Know the ways you’re different in that realm just from emergent traits you can pick up on and figure out. ugh!!!! anyways

this is LONG but NO readmore b/c eh. who am i if not [i hope everyone hates my blog this week.jpg] every week

[slightlyinsanemind]

The Most Important Video Game Of My Life (And How It Saved Me)

Sorta dramatic title isn’t it?

Yeah well, it’s me, so...

You’re probably wondering now what game am I even talking about. It’s called Persona 3, a JRPG about a bunch of high school students that have badass powers and fight monsters until they save the world. 

So, now that you know that, the other thing you’re wondering is “why the fuck did it save your life and became so important you’re talking about it?”. Well, answer that question here’s some context.

8 years ago there was a girl (big surprise) that I loved. We had a... complicated relation. We didn’t date exactly, but we liked each other. I mean... I loved her, she never really understood how she felt about me. Anyway, long story short, she just decided we should stop talking and move on, leaving me completely broken and shattered and in tiny little pieces. It... changed me. And it took years for me to recover. In a way I still am. For the months that followed I was pretty depressed, barely ate, would wake up crying and screaming, feeling like I’d rather die than go through another day of feeling like that. I’d randomly start crying, sometimes I’d have to look away from people I’d be talking to so that they wouldn’t see my tears.

Fast forward a few months and I remember this game a friend had told me many years ago. 

So let’s talk more in depth about this game.

It puts you, the main character, moving to a new school, staying in a dorm where only a few special people stay. There you find you can summon a persona, a physical manifestation of your feelings, and use it to fight to monsters during a 25th hour of the day that only persona users stay conscious, everyone else just turns into some weird coffin things. After that the game is pretty much simple, fight monsters at night, go to school every day and hang out with friends. This is where it starts to become important. One of the games mechanics is called Social Links. These SL’s are how close you become with others characters and get to go from acquaintances to great friends or even lovers. And the story itself is rather emotional, it follows characters that deal with loss, depression, anxiety, insecurity, the lack of strength to defend their loved ones and puts them in situations that makes them have to go behind their weaknesses and rise above challenge. You follow these characters through their hardships and help them overcome whatever comes their way. 

In total it took me 100 hours to get to the end of the game. But after some 15 hours it had already started to affect me. Because in that game, during a time where I had no one to help me deal with everything, I had them. Those characters became the closest thing to friends that I had. It became something that I could hold on to, to try and deal with my own emotions. And I needed it. So for those 100 hours I laughed and I cried with them and got invested in their stories as if they were real people. 

So when I got finished with it, I cried for a bit, but I also felt like I was ready to move on. To, not ignore my grief, but allow it to run its course without bringing my life to a stop. To finally be ready to look myself in the mirror (which I couldn’t for like 6 months, like I literally avoided mirrors cuz I hated what I’d see in the reflexion. 

So yeah, people still talk crap about how bad video games are, how they make people violent or that they’re just wastes of time. But in short, they can go fuck themselves.

Because this is the story of the most important game of my life and how it did save me.

[kdenbibi]

Endless Chapter 6

Warnings: none

Authors note: holy shit ya girl updated, yes its currently 2 in the morning and I have work tmo but do I give a damn? No Anyway I really hope you guys enjoy thank y’all so so so much for being as patient as you are I can’t tell you hoe much I appreciate it, anyway lemme shut up, it’s been a while since I've done this and I forgot if people actually wanted to be tagged in it anyway hmu if you do ilysm feedback is always appreciated -Admin A 

It was one of those mornings where you wake up a minute before your alarm goes off and sleep is pulled from you forever.

Okay I'm being dramatic but who can blame me, it's so early the sky was still dark, not even the birds were up yet. Thankfully, due to being a human punching bag the last few weeks the sharp pain shooting up my feet from the freezing floor did nothing more than wake me up. I felt like a zombie as I shuffled my way towards the expansive kitchen of the base, I could still easily get lost in the place, thankfully I knew exactly where the essential spots were, like the kitchen, the training room for our daily sessions, the little rooms I could hide in to avoid said sessions, all in all I had a system.

I sat on the countertop staring blankly at the fridge, my brain still in the process of waking itself up. I took the rare moment of silence to break down all that had lead me to this moment.

I remember telling Jon, at his request, everything that went down with Nightwing in detail. He went to my house that day, after school we decided it was high time to come clean with each other about our powers.

The sun had made another rare appearance but did nothing about the bitter winter air nipping at any exposed skin, we walked fast, I wanted to get out of our uncomfortable uniforms and into my Superman PJs my mother gifted me ironically after I told her about my childish crush, if you say Superman isn't even the least bit attractive you're straight lying to yourself.

When we finally got in I wasn't surprised to see my the apartment was empty, minus cheezers our pesky cat who sprawled himself out on Jon's lap as soon as he sat down.

"Want anything to drink?" I yelled over my shoulder from the kitchen, I rummaged through our refrigerator waiting for his response. "No thank you!" He chimed in from my couch, his voice was always light, I’d noticed, it carried through the air like a breeze. 

I came back in the room with a can of coke for myself tucked under my arm and two half eaten bags of chips squished in my hands, I plopped in the recliner adjacent to him, not before ungracefully tossing the junk food in his lap of course, and sat back with a sigh.

He stared at me with those ridiculously pretty eyes, a nervous expression on his face as he waited for me to speak, his fingers were running through cheezers fur absentmindedly. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to?" I offered after taking in his expression.

"No no!- I want to tell you I do, I'm just not sure how you'll take it." I shook my head at the taller boy, popping a chip in my mouth. "You don't gotta trip chocolate chip- I don't think there’s anything you could say that would change how I see you, powers or not your still my Ramen buddy." I finished with a wink. His nervous smile broke into a real one. He cleared his throat, opened his mouth, then closed it.

He did this a few more times before I stopped him.

"How bout' I go first?" He nodded releasing a breath.

"Well, it started when I was younger, I can't pinpoint exactly where I got them, I just realized after a while the string of luck I had wasn't just luck, it was something else entirely, something watching my back at every turn."

 He nodded along, an unusually serious expression gracing his soft features."For awhile it was just that, a helping hand that lead me out of sticky situations," I shook my head taking a long drink of my soda. "Up until that night on the roof that is."  He nodded once more, his fingers rhythmically tapping along his knee.

"What do you think triggered it?" He asked sounding more stern than I'd ever heard, I eyed him before shrugging off his strange behavior. "I'm not sure really, I think its because I was scared, I mean any other time the light has come out hasn't been in a situation where I felt that unsafe." I laughed thinking of the boy wonders face as he flew across the roof. "And then at the bank well, you were there." He leaned back against my couch, cheezers lifted his head to stare at the boy in displeasure before laying back down. 

"You're mom isn't a meta?"

"Not that I know of- as long as we're not counting her inexplicable ability to know when you're lying, although that may just be a 'her' thing." He shot me a smile, but a second later his face returned to it's neutral state, his head turned slightly as if he heard something he didn't like. "So it must come from your father- I think." He offered, I gave him a half smile, my nails tapping against the smooth metal of the now nearly empty can.

"I wouldn't know." His baby blues widened. "(Y/n) I'm Sorry-I didn't know.."

"Oh it's okay! He peaced out before I could really know him, so I got lucky." His face remained uncomfortable, as if he was guilty for asking, so I reassured him. "Really I've made my peace with it, after all, can't really miss someone who was never there." Jon nodded before abruptly standing.

"I uh, I need to go to the restroom!" He said, I cocked a brow at my friend's outburst before motioning in the direction of the bathroom, I chocked it up to him simply being nervous about telling me, I walked over to the recently disturbed cat and placed him in my lap. His big brown eyes stared back at me as I scratched behind his ears. "Is it me or is that farm boy acting all kinds of weird?" The animal simply blinked before resting his little head on my arm. "Yeah, that's what I thought you'd say."

Jon's POV 

I practically ran to the bathroom, turning on the water to try and hide all the noise I could. I quickly yanked out the expensive and inconspicuous flag ‘pin’ Damain had given me, I brought the tiny microphone to my mouth knowing he could hear me. "Was that good enough?" I couldn't hide my irritation with the young Wayne, he had me spying on my best friend, her personal story she trusted me enough to share was just information for the kid to put in his computer, it made my chest sink, I felt like garbage.

"Yes, although I wouldn't be surprised if she caught on, your acting skills are awful." I could hear the smirk in his voice, the earpiece he'd given me to hear the questions he wanted to ask felt even more uncomfortable than before. "Excuse me if I'm not good at lying!"

"You aren't lying to anyone, I simply was apart of the conversation, besides, you're one step closer to being ready for the team."

I felt stared at my reflection conflicted.

I knew what I did wasn't necessarily lying but it still felt wrong, like I'd used her trust for something bad. On the other hand this opportunity- this team they were building, it was my chance to finally step outside the huge S shaped shadow my father cast- I could become a hero all of my own.

Yes, I was conflicted, and Damian's smug voice in my ear wasn't helping anything.

"-kent? Are you even listening to me?" He spoke, voice rising in impatience. "Honestly no, now do you have what you need?" There was a moment of silence on Damian's end, the sound of tapping on a keyboard could faintly be heard before he finally responded.

"Yes but-" 

"Good." I yanked the earpiece out of my head and crushed it, along with the microphone, between my fingers. I have no doubt in my mind I'd just destroyed a thousand dollars worth of equipment but that was the least of my worries, the guilt was still there, but it seemed to wash down the drain with the remains of the machine. With a deep breath I made my way back out in the living room, (Y/n) sat there, doing absolutely nothing but still looking like someone from a movie, her head snapped up as she noticed my presence. "You okay there Jonny boy?" I smiled at her nickname, taking my previous spot on the couch now much more relaxed. "Yep! Just needed a moment but now I'm ready." Her pretty brown eyes stared at me unsure. "You don't have to tell me if you're uncomfortable, I understand-"

"No! I'm okay really! I promise." Finally that smile returned to her face as she nodded, gesturing me to continue when I was ready."I'm Kryptonian! Well half Kryptonian anyway!"

(Y/n)'s POV

I stared at the bright grin etched into his face, an uneasy smile on mine as his words bounced around my skull.

Because if he was Kryptonian that meant-

Wait-

"Your dad is- you oh, oh okay that's um oh man am I allowed to know this? Is this legal? Oh, oh man, oh jeez." He suddenly rose from his seat and made his way over to me, a wide smile on his face. "Relax, (y/n), trust me okay? Everything's alright." I laughed rubbing my temples in the process. "Okay okay, so um, wow this is-" the blood drained from my face as I realized our previous conversations- the late night, sugar high induced conversations where I openly gushed over how fine Metropolis's space savior was.

"You let me sit there and talk about how hot your dad is?! To your face?! Jonathan Samuel Kent we are fighting- not really cuz’ you'd probably mop the floor with me but yes! Definitely fighting!" 

We spent that afternoon talking about everything, good and bad. He told me he was scared he'd never fill the shoes of his father, I told him I was afraid I'd never understand what I could do, it wasn't until later that evening when my mom came home from work did we realize how long we'd been talking, she offered him a ride home but he just smiled and politely declined.

I was brought back to reality by the helpful AI program we knew as Athena spoke to me, her automated voice calmly called out from one of the many speakers littered around the base. "Miss (Y/n), the time is approximately 5:34 AM, would you like me to initiate your 'get ready playlist?" I looked around the empty room, still not used to having to talk to someone without a body. "Uh no thanks Athena, I don't wanna wake anyone else up." I spoke in a whisper afraid to disturb my teammates sleep. "Robin is currently in the gym, would you like me to alert him of your presence?" 

"Oh absolutely not, no thanks A."

"Okay miss (Y/n), if you need anything don't hesitate to call me." I gave her a friendly wave off as I made my way towards my room, unsatisfied with what I found in the refrigerator.

It still felt pretty unfamiliar living somewhere without my mom, not waking up with her music blasting throughout the walls was a very foreign concept to me. Few weeks back, when Nightwing first came to my house to lay out the ground rules of what exactly was gonna go down, my mother was less than thrilled.

"So you want my daughter to move into some secret location? Not only that, but live with a bunch of other teenagers with incredible abilities and just you to supervise them?" Dick shot her a smile bright enough to blind someone if they looked directly at it.

"Misses (L/n), I get why you'd be concerned I really do, but this is all for the benefit of these kids, besides she almost an adult." He paused at the glare my mother gave him. "-but, but, yes, I would be there to supervise the team, not just me though, other hero's will come in to help train them." My mother was silent as she processed his words, she glanced at my face, taking in my hopeful expression before sighing.

"...If I say yes, I get to know where this facility is right? Just in case I need to go down there and whip some sense into somebody."

"Absolutely! And if it makes you feel better Jon's gonna be there with her." At this my mother visibly relaxed, I knew she trusted Jon so before this impromptu meeting I made sure to let Dick know about it, just in case she needed some extra convincing. "Well, I guess I can't say no, especially with her giving me those damn puppy eyes."

This time I brought myself back to reality, when I came to just in time to realize my feet had taken me somewhere that wasn't my room, to the training gym. I paused wondering why on Earth I walked there only to be met with quite the sight.

Robin, beating a training dummy like it personally hurt him, I still had yet to find out his identity, no one had actually, so no it wasn't a surprise to see his iconic mask adorning his face. He thought it was best if everyone remained anonymous, something about secret identities - but full disclosure at the time, I wasn't paying attention, I was too busy trying not to stare at the green kid a few feet away from me, i shit you not he was green, like head to toe green- that and I couldn't agree, mainly because I didn't even have a super persona yet, so when it was brought up I laughed and told the other members my name. "If you were smart you'd keep some form of anonymity, at least until we can trust each other." Robin scolded, The other four people in the room stayed silent, and I couldn't help but scoff. "You expect us to trust you when you're gonna have that mask on 24/7?" His glare turned to me, I tried not to flinch. "If you want to expose yourself fine, but I refuse to be apart of it." And with that he walked off leaving the rest of us in an awkward silence.

"Well, he's just a bundle of joy now isn't he?" I said watching his retreating figure, Jesus the kid even walked like he was pissed off.

"Real life of the party." The tall boy to my right spoke, he left quite the impression too, being that he looked like a blue iron Man, ya know suit of badass armor kinda guy. He was introduced as the blue beetle. I looked at him with a smile, relieved the rest of the team wasn't as stuck up as the bird boy.

"I can't imagine you'd wanna wear that the entire time either." 

This earned a laugh from beetle, and much to my surprise, instead of taking off a helmet it seemed to disappear, a light flash of blue with it as his face was reviled. "I'm Jaime Reyes, nice to meet you." I grabbed his hand with a wide smile. "(Y/n) (L/n), I'm sure you hear this all the time- but holy shit that's cool." He laughed again, this time the sound was clear, no longer blocked by, well whatever was on his face moments ago. It was nice, the kinda laugh that made you want to join in.

"If we're really saying fuck it to Grumpy's rules I'm Garfield Logan." The green boy spoke from behind me. I shot him a smile, he returned a smirk, his sharp canines peaking though the half smile. The only other girl in the room remained silent, weighing her options before she quietly spoke up."Rachel." Was all she spoke. I gave her my friendliest smile before walking over. "It's nice to meet you, I'm so glad there's another girl here." She met my eyes, a hesitant smile on her face as she agreed. "It is...nice, thanks for thinking so." Her voice was level as she spoke, I almost couldn't hear her over the two loud boys now chattering like they were best friends. 

I turned away from the shy girl to look for my friend. Noticing his unsure stare I walked over to him, away from everyone else.

"Yo, you okay over there farm boy?" Jon looked up from the floor, his eyes uncharacteristically troubled. "I'm fine!- just a bit, I don't know nervous? All of you guys are so great I mean, I guess I'm just scared I won't be able to keep up." I stared at the large 'S' on his chest, looking for the right thing to say.

"Umm?? Have you met yourself, are we talking about the same Jon Kent? We'll have to be worried about keeping up with you if anything." He gave me a bashful smile, looking down at the symbol on his chest then back to me.

"Don't give up before you've even started you dork." I said patting his shoulder and motioning for him to join the conversation, which he happily did after a small nudge.

That was weeks ago, Robin still, with his stubborn ass, kept that mask on. I wish I could say things were okay between me and the stern boy but they weren't, I get the feeling he wasn't too pleased to be here.

Whenever we would train, Dick was there to supervise, and since Robin was the most experienced out of all of us, he was in charge for most of the training- scratch that, it's more like the royal ass kicking he dished out.

I got the feeling he didn't like me very much, mainly because of the whole, almost throwing him off a roof thing, but the feeling was mutual. He just, he rubbed me the wrong way, like he genuinely believed he was above everyone else and no one could match him in anything. Not to mention the way he had to comment whenever I'd fail.

"You're stance is terrible, you're just asking to die."

"Do you enjoy your face meeting the mat (L/n)? Because you seem to do that every time we're in here."

He was just one of those people you had to try not to throw out of the nearest window whenever he opened his mouth.

"If this is your attempt at stealth you're fired."

I rolled my eyes dispite him facing the other way and walked into the gym room. "If I wanted to sneak up on you I could, don't get it twisted boy wonder." I knew I was bullshitting, he knew I was, but there was no way I was backing down from a fight with this asshole. He turned, wiping some sweat from his brow with a small towel, I could feel the squint get gave me through the rubber mask. "Why are you here?" I shrugged making my way to the closest bench and taking a loud seat. "For your information- I wanted to get an early start with my training." "Really?" He questioned leaning against the silicone dummy.

"Yes."

"In that?"

 I looked down to my PJs and gave him a shrug. "I could be in a fursuit and I'd still kick your ass." His face scrunched up in confusion before he scoffed."I have no idea what that is but don’t make me laugh, you'd be lucky to get me on the ground for a second." He turned back towards the dummy before sending a swift kick to it's neck, I flinched from the loud smack that echoed across the walls. 

Confidently, he spoke again, without even turning back.

"You got lucky once- never again."

The way he said that would have sent shivers down my back, had I not been raised a bad bitch, but alas, I was. 

I quickly stood marching over to the male. "Okay let's go-" 

My back hit the mat, the air from my lungs escaping with the force I was smacked against the floor. His smug face leaned over me. "What was that you were saying? I don't think I heard you (L/n)." I groaned before throwing myself up, glaring at the figure before me. "That was just the practice round-" his hand shot forward to, I assume toss me like a rag-doll again, but this time I was ready, I grabbed his wrist, stopping it mid swing and a force of golden light pushed us apart. He smirked from across the mat. "Without your powers you're as defenseless as a baby- you need to learn not to rely on them." I bit back my retort about his hairline being as defenseless as a baby because 1. It didn't make sense- I was just mad and 2. The son of a bitch had a point.

So I sucked up my pride and rolled my shoulders, cracking my neck with a satisfying 'pop'.

I gestured him to come forward with my hand.

"Then teach me."

[brooksalistair-blog]

brookofsky || para

location: dave’s house time: monday evening summary: alistair goes to dave’s house so they can discuss what’s going on with them with the hopes of being friends.

tagging: @as4dave

Alistair walked a little slow to Dave’s house, feeling down that he had been an ass to Dave just because he wasn’t having that great of a day to begin with. He rang the doorbell knowing that he’d need to call whatever this was off if they were to ever remain friends. He slipped his hands in his pockets and bit his bottom lip, hoping Dave wouldn’t deck him as soon as he saw him.

Dave answered the door, sighing when he looked at Alister. Even sober he was still gorgeous. He had fucked up a lot, didn’t he? He liked him, he really did, but it was like...everything was so sudden. And he was so drunk that night; drunk Dave does not always make good decisions. Drunk Dave really needs a babysitter, he thinks, as he pulls the door open further to allow Alister inside. “Mom’s and Dad are in the kitchen.” He says lamely, heading toward the stairs, hoping his family doesn’t say anything to Alister. “We can go upstairs...they won’t bother us.” He says softly. He’s almost not sure what to say, it was like he wanted to kiss him, but he also wanted to hide away alone.

"K..." Alistair said softly, his nerves taking over. He took off his beanie when he entered the house and swallowed as he followed Dave to his room. "I'm sorry for making you feel like you were being rushed. That was the last thing I wanted to do, trust me." Al said quickly as he closed the door behind him, wanting to say it before he lost his nerve. "I just let myself get caught up in the idea of being with someone without thinking about what that actually means."

Dave didn't know what to say, and he knew that his parents would be listening, they tended to do that. It wasn't that they got into his business, but they liked to know what's going on. "It's...It wasn't bad. I'm not mad at you...or trying to push you away..." Dave says as they make it to the top of the stairs and into his room. He sits on his bed, and pulls at Alistair's hand to make him sit next to him. He doesn't want him on the floor, or in the chair. He just wants it to be comfortable, like it was at the party. "Look...Alistair...I...I really like you. A lot." He starts, then he pauses, and bites his lip. It sounds like a break up, and Dave's never really done this. He really doesn't like the way it sounds, so he starts over. He doesn't want it to be...break-upy. "Drunk Dave makes shitty decisions." he blurts. "And I suppose making out with a high schooler was...probably a poor one? A very very good choice, but in retrospect, it was probably a bad idea." Dave knows he sounds like an ass. He doesn't mean to. "Being in a relationship...isn't something I wanna jump into...when I just met someone. It's like...it's like Anna in Frozen...When she falls for that Hans guy? And he turns out to be a huge creep? Not that you're a creep...but you know? She didn't know him...You don't really know me..." And he thinks that maybe once Alistair does know him, maybe he won't think so highly of Dave.

Alistair was a little confused, but he smiled when he realized that Dave didn't want him to leave completely. He sat beside Dave and continued to chew on his bottom lip anxiously, listening and hanging onto every word the other male said. He laughs at Dave's confession and shrugs. "Drunk Alistair is no better it would seem." He deadpanned. He listened further and felt guilt in his chest forming. shit I didn't even think about the age thing, really. That's so selfish, Al. "I get what you're saying, and I feel the same way. We're not about to be Anna's. I didn't even think about our age difference. I mean, Dave...you could go to jail. I'm so fucking sorry for being selfish. All I was thinking about was how good it felt to be into someone and to have them like me back. But, for the record, I still think it's really cute when you bring up animated movies in conversation." He bumped his shoulder on Dave's and sniffed. He would be lying if he said this didn't hurt, but it was the right thing to do. "We can still be friends, though, right?"

Dave laughed a little. "I'm not...gonna go to jail, oh my god. But seriously, you're like...a junior in high school. I feel...weird about it." he said, looking away. " It was something Dave worried about. His dad asked about his new friend, and Dave told him. Paul had warned his son that he should be careful, if he was still in high school and he knew his dad wasn't trying to scare him off or anything, but it still worried Dave. Besides that, it seemed like Alistair was all about them jumping head first into a relationship, but speaking to him, maybe he knew that already. "I do like you...and I like that you like me back....you just...you came on really strong, alright? I know what it's like...and I know how to scare off a guy, I've done it a time or two. Thinking about a relationship...it sounds...amazing. But I just came out for real in February...I was going to Scandals before that, but that doesn't count...It's a long story." Dave didn't want to tell Alistair about his past. It wasn't that he wanted to hide everything, but it was more like being protected. Dave was still working through things, and being vulnerable with his sexuality and his past was scary. Besides that, Dave really doesn't know why anyone would wanna date someone who'd had depression like he did, or attempted to kill themselves in such a way as he did. And he didn't think Alistair would understand how Dave had felt. Or still felt. "We can still be friends...we can definitely be friends. I like you...and I want you around. I'm just not ready to just...jump into   a relationship with someone I just met."And Dave thinks maybe they can get to know each other better, see if a relationship even logically made sense to begin with, or if they'd ever get that far into their feelings. And wait out that small fact that Dave was a college freshman and Alistair was a junior in high school... "I watch a lot of animated movies, so sue me! I'll have you know, I watched Finding Nemo again today. Disney channel has some kind of obsession with those movies this week." Dave teased, trying to lighten the mood.

"Technically, I would be a senior this year, but I had cancer when I was 10 and missed a lot of school, so really in two months, hit me up." He gave a playful wink, trying to lighten the mood again. "Yeah, I know. I feel shitty about that. I think a part of me is just ready to fall in love in case...you know...it comes back. It's stupid." He teared up, giving a shrug and trying to prevent himself from going there. "But yeah, I was an idiot. I'm sorry." He said pathetically. "Wait, what's Scandals?" He asked, furrowing his brows. "I know it hasn't been easy for you to be out. I kind of had it easier than you, and I forget that sometimes. I promise to be cooler about what we have, as long as you promise to tell me if I'm being a creep again. I can't go back to being a Hans. I don't look good in dark blue tights and riding boots. I like you, too Dave. I don't wanna make you feel guarded around me. I want you to be able to talk to me like a friend." He scooted a bit further from Dave to give them some space and smiled. "Friends sit this far apart." He added with a playful grin. "Disney knows that you're watching them specifically due to the cameras in all our TV's. They're coming for you Dave!" Alistair teased by wiggling his fingers in front of Dave's face ominously.

Dave nodded. He wasn’t sure what to say about that, and he was sure Alistair wasn’t saying it so that Dave would feel sorry for him. But he was tearing up and it was like he didn’t know what to do now. So he put an arm around the other boy and gave his shoulder a squeeze. “It’s not stupid. But you don’t need to rush into something just cuz of that, relationships are more than just liking someone a whole lot.” He said, dropping his arm and giving him a small smile. “Scandals is a gay club.” He told him, mind flashing back to the last time he was there, with Sebastian. “It’s just...somewhere I go to drink...I’ve hooked up a few times..” he blushed a little, then moved on. Alistair was pretty funny, and cute. And he seemed like he was going to take this alright. So he watched him scootch away and he had to laugh. “Disney must see a lot of me. I think I watch a lot of their movies lately. So anyway, what do you wanna do?”

"I didn't take you for the gay club kind of guy." Alistair laughed. "They let you drink underage there, too? Sounds awesome. Might have to check it out. You know, on my own, so it's not another house party situation with us. I know you enjoy my lips when we're drunk..." He teased, hitting Dave lightly with one of the pillows beside him. "Well, I do think I was promised some Shark Week." Alistair suggested, looking at Dave with a smirk.

"Hey, I can be a gay club kind of guy!" he laughed a little, shoving him back a little after he hit him with the pillow. Dave knew he did have a point, so he didn't offer to take him with to Scandals, but he laughed anyway, because it was true for the most part. "Don't go with Sebastian." Dave warned, letting out a snort. Not that he felt that the other boy was a terrible person or anything, but he didn't suppose Alistair and Sebastian would get along well. Or perhaps, they'd get along too well. Either way, he didn't think he liked the pairing. "You wanna watch Shark Week? We can have a marathon. I think we have some snacks downstairs, we can raid the fridge."

"If you say so. And don't worry. I don't know who Sebastian is, but from what I hear about him, I don't think I want to." He promised, rolling his eyes a little, remembering all the crap that he had heard about that Dalton student. "Of course I wanna watch Shark Week. I was promised some sharks and damn it, you better deliver." Alistair stood up and cracked open the door, then looked over at Dave mischievously. "Come on, you gotta come with or your parents are gonna ask me thousands of questions. Plus, I need to know what I'm allowed to eat. Without rules, you're all gonna have to go food shopping tomorrow."

Dave stood up and shook his head, "Finneeee, fine." he teased, following the other boy. He knew that between the two of them, it was very likely that they would eat out the house. "Mom'll stop us, don't worry." he laughed as they reached the bottom of the stairs. True to Dave's word, Max stopped them in the kitchen and gave them a playful roll of her eyes and started pulling snacks from her cupboard, telling them to not to eat too much. Dave and his mom joked around a little, and she even teased Alistair a little, before sending them on their way. It wasn't too long before they were gathered up on Dave's bed, food surrounding them, as the first Shark Week recording started.

[completewaste]

changes

TW: Suicide, self harm, depression, and sexual assault

So the last time I posted was April 2017.

It’s now May 2021.

It’s so insane for me to reread my old posts, I was in such an entirely different mindset and place back then. I always felt like it was such a cliche when people said ‘it gets better’ but it really does. Things are far from perfect, and I still get depressed and such but my perception of life has drastically changed. Even within the past two years. I felt so hopeless back then. I literally wanted to kill myself on my 21st but my sister didn’t allow me tried so hard to be there for me and really was. I had lost my best friends, one of which I was totally in love with at the time. I was really hurt trying to start relationships from meaningless hookups with people who weren’t interested. I felt disgusting, I had no self confidence and was so hard on myself. I self harmed a lot more and developed a coke addiction for a while. I was so lonely, all I wanted was to find someone to love me back and to have the ability to socialize and make friends. I had left a job I was super attached to even though it was actually a shitty minimum wage food industry job. I was so incredibly unhappy living with my parents. I had constant issues with my family, would get kicked out a lot, and had a bad relationship with them all. I had no control over my emotions, was constantly exploding and didn’t know how to change. 

2019 was a pretty rough year I survived, dealt with a break up where I got super depressed and lost a lot of self confidence. That lasted a short period of time, I turned that into motivation for change. I worked out a ton, started working two jobs and kept myself super busy. In April I went to Vegas for my birthday and got sexually assaulted. That triggered a massive depressive episode for a while, I started putting weight back on because I couldn’t bring myself to want to work out or still look good. After a while, I had to pull myself out of it. I had another situation that happened too, but I was able to cope with it much better after a few times of dealing with this shit. Working was a major help with that. My second job I really enjoyed, it was such a good environment for an extrovert. I worked for House of Blues, which is a restaurant/venue. I worked on the restaurant side but I’d work special events and I was always running around everywhere. I was the only one there that literally talked to EVERYONE. It was so good for me as an extrovert, there were so many people to interact with. I felt so good about myself, my confidence become so high. I got a lot of attention, it was really nice.  Had some brief dating, some crushes, some flirting, and some hook ups. I was social as fuck, had lots of friends I made from work that I’d always hang out with. Some coworkers that were like best friends for a while and I still appreciate those relationships even if after this past year with covid they have drifted. Fast forward to 2021, here I am pretty happy even when things are shit. I went from being stuck at home in toxicity to moving out of my parent’s house, am sharing an apartment with my sister and her gf. My relationship with my family has improved so much, even my dad doesn’t fully hate me anymore. Being an actual grown ass adult is so fucking great. I literally can do whatever with my life.I learned why I was struggling so bad with my emotions. I found out I’m bipolar, got on medication for that and depression and I have to say it’s changed my life. I used to be such an angry, over emotional, irritable person. I used to be disgusted with my behavior, so ashamed of how badly I treated people especially my family. I’m not perfect at all, I have my moments but I’ve become much more patient than I was. I went from being homeschooled with no friends, feeling lonely and trapped to being the strong and happy person I am today. I have to say, I am not suicidal at all. There are times where I do feel like I dislike my existence but to quote biggie “I don’t wanna die, I just feel like I’d be better off dead.” I don’t see a point in killing myself, I’ve got so much fucking potential and opportunity. I’m such a great person, I’m nice, social, fun as fuck, beautiful, energetic and so much more. I’ll be looking for a new job soon (lost my old ones due to covid) and I have so much fucking confidence I’ll be able to get something good and do fucking great at whatever it is. I’ve been told by so many people I’ve met they’re jealous of how easily it is for me to talk to people, how I am not afraid to be so authentically me even if I’m hyper or weird sometimes, even employers fucking love me and say I have the perfect personality, energy and professionalism. I applied for jobs for 1 day, got SO many responses, and after a couple interviews had offers from all of them. I have finally gotten a good group of main, close friends and was able to move on. It took me quite some time to get over my ex best friends, I still keep a distance with people I can’t help that after being so hurt years ago but I can say I genuinely have great fucking friends. My girls are the best, they actually love me, they’re mature, they’re confident, they have shown me they’d NEVER do what Amanda and Dulce did to me years ago. They are always looking out for me, always taking care of me, and are real as fuck with blunt honesty (even if it can be a lil bitchy sometimes) it’s because they do actually care. They’d never let me look like shit just to make themselves look better. They’re all about lifting each other up and wanting to see me do good. That’s just my main group of friends too, I have so many other friends who constantly want to hang out that I kind of blow off. I’ve changed so much, I’m social as fuck and make friends literally everywhere and anywhere. People actually love me, but I’ve become a lot more exclusive on who I actually give my time to. I don’t feel desperate for friends, I don’t feel like no one likes me, I don’t have that self doubt anymore. I am actually always ignoring people and shit cuz I just cba and it’s funny they all STILL hit me up and wanna hang out. It feels good, I don’t ignore people purposely but I just don’t feel like doin shit all the time or talking anymore. I don’t feel lonely in the same way anymore. I have 0 desire for a relationship at all, I am SO happy on my own. I feel like I’m much better living the single life, having freedom to talk to whoever and do whatever. I’d rather not have that emotional connection and take anyone too seriously rn. I’m so young and I want to focus on myself and setting up for my future. Even right now, the only thing I can say I actually want is a child. I can totally see myself having a child all on my own and I am so perfectly ok with that. I used to want a relationship so bad, used to want to find love and was so upset that I never had that experience. I still haven’t had a long term relationship only like half a year but I’ve had enough ‘dating’ and hooking up experience to know what I want now (or don’t want I guess). Overall, all I have to say is I am literally living breathing proof that it DOES get better. I never thought I’d have the ability to maintain such positivity even after going through such shit times. Every day is a new opportunity to start over. It is 2021, and I am hopeful happy.

I don’t even think I have any followers anymore, if I do I know they for sure aren’t active. I don’t expect anyone to ever read this post, but it will be nice to look back on in another few years.

[rezilient-m3]

Dec 12

So, a lot of changes has happened since my grandma's funeral. We came home that Monday. My sister C ended up getting sick with liver failure, from taking a shit ton of Tylenol & drinking herself stupid for years. This I will come back to.

In our home, Alex got upset at my eldest girl, T again (on the 29th). Flat out said to me, in front of all the kids, mind you, that "either he's going or she does." I said "okay, we'll go." I was so upset. I cried a little. Then, got busy on my computer. I looked for jobs and rentals. And I slept on the couch, without really saying anything to Alex. I told my girl, she shouldn't worry, but she did. I seen it in her face. That was the piss off part. Like, how dare you threaten our security, once again, especially knowing this is the one thing she's terrified of. Like, my kid has had it rough. She grew up problematic and got shit taken out on her. Her step-mom would tell her how bad she is, call her a bitch within hearing range, and always kick them out of her house. So, understandably, she has issues with trusting that she'd be welcomed here no matter what. He should know these things. He should know we have to try to make her feel wanted, and loved, and secure for her to start changing her behaviours. So, why say that shit to her? Geez.

Anyways, next day I went out and viewed a place, emailed a bunch of other ones AND got an interview. Alex carried on asking me if I was leaving, I said I'm trying to, he says I shouldn't "but should try to make her act better." 😒 Boy, I wanted to scream. I didn't tho. I'm so non-confrontational and that sucks about me, so I didn't say much. I slept on the couch again. Following day, he asks why I slept on the couch again. So, again, that bothered me, but I didn't say anything. We ended up carrying on, like nothing happened. I bet our counselor is gonna have a field day with that one, cuz I wrote to her the night of complaining about everything. I really thought we'd leave. Lol. But I didn't get the houses. "Too many kids" and no job. I tried to explain I was good for the money, which I would have been. Not the point tho, they can't just trust my word. Lol. Understandable. 🤷‍♀️ Weird thing about all of this whole situation is, I felt completely fine and maybe a little bit relieved at the thought of being on my own with my kids. I hated the thought of leaving my youngest here, and sharing him. But still, that thought bugs me now cuz I'm still here. Wondering what it means? Lol. Shit. Plus, he left for work. Today is Sat, he left Sunday. Even that, I was okay with him being gone. I get to chill out with my kids not worrying about him losing it again. He'll be back after Christmas break starts. On the 20th, I think. We still msg everyday, telling each other we love each other. Cuz we do, I don't doubt that. It's just all a bit confusing. We'll work on it. 🤞

I got the job tho. 😁 I'm a EA sub for the city's school division. I got the interview on the 4th, I got everything I needed to hand in that Monday the 7th, started working on the 10th. Could have been the 8th, but I put start day for the 9th, then said I was unavailable lol. But, main thing is I'm working now. Like, for real. Crazy. I'm 32, with my first real ass, legit ass job. I was emotional that first drive up to the city. Thinking about how differently I felt bout myself. It may not seem like much to most, but hf, I did it.! And best part is, the city is short on EAs apparently, so my boss offered me a contract, starting in Jan. She offered me before I even got dispatched, so that was on Wed. So, I'm waiting. Hoping I can get papers signed before the province decides to shut down schools again. Cuz everyone thinks they will. 😬 But we will see.

I'll either be saving for being ready to go out on my own, OR a life with Alex for an extension on our house. I hope it's all of us for the rest of one of our lives lol. But I just never know. I could be in love with him one moment, and the next, he just kills it with the shit he says. So, idk. I'll be ready for whatever.

& moving onto my sister. After the funeral, she went to the clinic, got sent to the closest hospital, then flown out here to the major hospital. They out her to sleep and breathing tube. She's had liver & kidney damage, and something about her gall bladder. (Idk how relevant this is, but this be the one that Alex first started dating, before we met lol). But we all thought we were gonna lose her. I was scared. Some how, she pulled through,and woke up after 10 days. She stayed in ICU for 3 or 4 days. Those days I was allowed to go visit. Then, last Thursday, she got moved to a floor where they'd monitor her, but ell enough to get out of ICU. What does she do? Check her damn self out of the hospital. And what did I do? Go fricken get her. This is the weekend Alex found out he was leaving, so we were really busy. I had no time to drop what I was doing to drive her home. She ended up staying on my couch for the weekend. Holy fuck, did she ever turn yellow. I was mad at her. But I still drove her home. I took her, and picked up my niece to come help me, so I can start working. Idk how she's doing. She says she's fine, but who knows for real? She has an appointment with the doctor on Monday. But that gets me mad. Like, try fucking living. We're all not ready to lose you woman. But, who really is "ready", right? Idk. We'll see.

And moving onto James' news. I found out from my girl's step sister, that he's been living at his grandma's. The same grandma that caused me so much stress in my life. Lol jk. I'll try not play the blame game. But, that bitch. (Srynotsry). So, I tried to call the lead investigator to tell her what I know. She was busy. That was 2 days ago. She was supposed to call me back but hadn't yet. Bitch, her too lol. Ugh, why do ppl suck?

And in other news, I got a ticket for being on my cell today. I might lose my.license for 30 days from being convicted. Long story, but I have a history of tickets. Got to a pint where, if I lose 2 or 3 more demerits, I get suspended. So, what to go dummy. My master plan is to drag it out and hopefully lose it during the summer months, so I could at least keep working. Idk man. Out of all the good things happening for me lately, it all went down the drain when this happened earlier today. I still feel like shit about it. Wondering whats gonna happen. I'm honestly scared. Fml.

But that's all I got for now. A lot to unload, and probably did a shit job telling it. Lol. But I'm tired. It was a long day, my dudes. G'night. ✌

[excerptsfrom]

Chapter 15: “While You Were Away...”

I feel bad for not really keeping up with this but you know me, shit happens. Back around February? I was putting some vague slightly emotional posts on Snapchat and surprisingly he watched my stories for once. At the time I thought he was with Maggie, but things never worked out for them, she played with his feelings I think and treated him like crap. That's at least what I overheard from them talking. He tried talking to me but I pushed him away cause I was starting something with Nate. Oh god what a mess that is. I wished I hadn't done anything with Nate and just stuck with Sam and maybe all of this wouldn't have happened. And I blindly believed Nate about Sam too which I shouldn't have because of remembering talking with Sam about how he is around his friends and in real life. We didn't talk for a little bit and then he tried hitting me up for that panty prank we laughed about a while back before he started talking about Maggie. Who I actually originally learned about from Shane on the bus from south. I overheard him talking about how he was obsessed with her and stuff so I backed away thinking they had Something and Sam doesn't exactly like just anybody like that without reason. So I wished for the best and gave them space. That's when I stopped talking to him around like late January/early February. But yeah a little while after that he hit me up for that prank and I was bitter about him and Maggie cuz he chose her over me after all that talking and stuff. And I pretty much blew up on him. One of our many arguments. He had just gotten his licence and was all like yo can I grab them and I'm like nope go ask Maggie. And then I almost yelled all my feelings about him but stopped myself before everything came out. I did let out a lot though about how I've been like pining over him for like 8 months and how it's shit that I'm being played with and so on and so forth. I can't remember what he said unfortunately, but I know it was a typical "oh ok" responses kind of conversation of him playing coy. We didn't talk at all after that until about a week ago. (It's 3/17/17 today) I didn't know what to do with the whole Nate situation and I really couldn't talk to anyone about it since everyone I'm close with knows I'm with Elliott already and they don't understand the whole me being poly thing. Like Scarlett thinks I'm happily with Elliott, and Joey thinks I'm with both? I don’t know? And I really couldn't talk about it with Rachel or Yuri or Evelyn. So I decided to hit up Sam because he always gave me really good unbiased advice because he knows me and can see right through me. So I was like "hey I know we haven't talked in a while but I remember you always have really good advice and I could use some right now" and he pretty much responded almost instantly and said yeah. So we tried to work it out so that we could talk in person by him giving me a ride home from robotics and such but that didn't work, so eventually he ended up picking me up after school. Although Noah was there. I was hoping we'd be alone cuz I was comfortable with him at the time and I didn't have the nerves of being alone with him from a crush or something. We talked and he gave me advice and shit and then we ended up going out for Panera afterwards. I thought we were all gonna stay there and talk and stuff but they decided to leave so I was stuck in the backseat for even longer listening to them talk about stuff. It was a little uncomfortable. I ended up doing the thing we joked about and left the pair under his seat. It was weird. Funny thing was, I dressed cute for him, but ended up impressing Noah instead. He added me by username on Snapchat and tried talking to me afterwards. Which was funny cuz I was snapping Sam at the same time and we were flirty. After that day we went back to normal like always, him hitting me up at night and the usual snaps and conversations happening. Apparently when he's high he's kinky. Which is funny. I ended up leaving him a message to find in the morning on the day of the second competition, but he ended up leaving me on read. I was afraid I freaked him out. One night he tried hitting me up with the "ill show you mine if you show me yours" and I was tired so I said no. I've been saying that a lot lately and being a tease about it and using the smiling devil emoji. But he actually cared? Like he was like oh okay then go to sleep. And I'm like I wanna talk to you though, but he's like no go to bed you need it. So I did. It was weird he cared. It had me shook for a little bit. Especially with the one conversation we had where he was complaining about how he wanted a girlfriend and then saying he might've found someone. I of course was disappointed but I was nice and was like oh nice hope things work out. And then we proceeded to have the typical conversation. It was same old same old til last night. (Today is 3/23/17) I think I finally realize what I am to him. Just a friend that's a girl that he can always fall back on for a good time or to talk to. Just a friend where the lines are slightly blurred on the friend and something else line. Because we'll actually talk sometimes about important stuff but then others the usual thing happens. And it's always at night. I know I'm kind of being used but I guess I'm used to it and okay cause it's him and that's just how he is. The only thing that's different now than back then is that we've hung out in person and gone farther over text and stuff. Like I never thought it'd actually happen but I actually heard the "ill how you mine if you show me yours" phrase. And for goodness fucking sake he has a pair of my fucking underwear and I know he's jerked off to the thought of me. Sometimes stupid stuff like that gives me hope that maybe I'll have a chance at something more. Especially when he drops what he's doing to help me like that time with advice or when I'm tired and he makes me sleep cuz I need sleep. But then other times it just seems as if I'm just a friend, like when he came over last night to rant about his parents and we went off to side conversations and talked about how hot other girls were around me. I completely felt totally friend-zoned and like one of the guys there. Like when your crush is talking about hot girls around you you know you're screwed cuz you're a friend or they're playing mind games to make you jealous, which by the way works. And other times I just feel like a fucking object and used because it seems like I'm just a fucking side hoe with how I'm the girl he falls back on when things don't work out or he just needs a good time. Like he only talks to me at night or when he's high and avoids actually going out and hanging out in person except for last night and the first time as exceptions. We were supposed to go out several times but he always forgot or didn't bother or care. I know I'm not important to him cuz I'm always put off to the side until he needs me, but for some reason I stay. Sometimes I think I'm slowly growing out of my crush on him, but then I'm right back at it again. Like when I think and go an analyze my feelings there's a definite physical attraction and I care for him but when I actually think that if we dated I don’t know. Like it's just be weird with everything that's happened. Like how I have a history with Harrison and Nate and Yuri. And we've both seen each other naked, well he hasn't seen me beyond my skimpiest underwear, but pretty close. And things have been said that can't be taken back. I also know that if things don't work out we probably wouldn't go back to being friends. I mean there's been the exception of every other time, but in those we were never tied down or did anything in person or hung out or anything. It wasn't real, just two people attracted to one another messing around over the privacy of phones. We never acknowledge each other in school and barely talk in person. We've only had a handful of in person conversations. From what we've had though we're comfortable with each other. It's just I know him but I also don't. And I don't know whether to distinguish from my theories about him to his actual personality. Like I like to think I know him, but he's actually barely let me in. I only know what he's allowed me to. Everything else is based off of observation and inference. I just don't think that if we actually dated it'd work out. He's been hurt too much and as much as he trusts me, he wouldn't. It's just how he is. His friends know me and I know them, but it'd be weird seen as how conflict of interests. He's into some things that I don't want to have anything to do with. I'm at school to learn and I don't want to screw up and fall into the wrong crowd, not to mention my parents would kill me and it's illegal id never be able to get a job or licence or into college or military. I'm just not gonna risk it. And he just doesn't seem like the kind of guy to actually like putting the effort in, and the romance. I don't know what his relationship was like with Olivia or Aly, but I don’t know. Before I was blind and thought we'd be perfect together and happy happy romance forever after blah blah blah. But I have doubts now. I've seen the reality. Like yeah there's chemistry and were comfy around each other and care, but I don’t know. I guess I've just gotten hit in the face with reality that he's not perfect and I've been blind the whole time. I mean I always knew he had his flaws, but I put them off to the side, they weren't deal breakers. But now I guess things have changed. Like how he doesn't put effort into school, or is into risky things, or just plain out offensive. Like I mean in not a social justice warrior or anything, but when you use "Jew" or "gay" or "retard" in derogatory manners and such, it's insensitive and offensive. Like how am I supposed to know that you'll respect me, if you use those words. And he also swears a lot, I mean I do too, but like damn if Tracey heard him his blood would be filled with so much soap that he'd be like a living soap bar or whatever. You want a guy you can be proud of around your parents and don't have to worry if he's gonna say something wrong. I mean the first time we really talked in person was like October/November freshman year when Harrison and I first started dating and he came over to my table to feel me out and made a Jew joke right in front of Ben. He's the kind of guy I wouldn't bring to one of Uncle Ricky's barbecues because one, my uncle’s a cop and I know Sam, and two my family is overprotective, and three my family is very opinionated and there's a large possibility of him saying something stupid. So as much as I keep trying for things to work out, they won't and I don't know why I bother even trying. Like my feelings have faded from intense to like eh.