#cursed to have absolutely negative rizz

[heartfullofscience]

I get why people often headcanon sampo as very promiscuous like I get where they're coming from but personally I just think the man is absolutely rizzless. Idk I think it's a combination of the disproportionately negative attitude of pretty much everyone towards him and just his general way of talking. I just think he'd go up to someone and say some cheesy ass pickup line and they'd promptly kick him in the balls

[eclipsecrowned]

so. potential new muse + engagement/feedback poll.

based in an 80s horror series. egregious mary sue, but popular among friends hence her potential port over here. sibling to a latecomer teens party member, but tooled to have been involved in sideplots since s1. diana s*lvers fc.

goes by 'rio' but was born maureen. recognized young that maureen in conjunction with her surname sounded like some kind of disease and said 'no.' originally went by rini in childhood til duran duran dropped a single that encapsulated all she has ever wanted to be.

starts off a tiny teen swimming in her brother's hand-me-downs. the smart guy of her team. has a growth spurt around s3 that renders her as lanky and awkward as said brother. there is no escape from the muns0n curse. dark wavy hair, big brown eyes, cute but kind of awkward and made worse by her absolutely negative rizz.

town geek and frequent bully victim, academic above all, anxious and avoidant but occasionally shows a spine of iron when others are at risk. has a minor thread of ruthlessness in service to those who treat her kindly, and knows how to clean a crime scene if needed. tutors for spare cash, has pawned off her late mother's jewelry when times get tough before, and generally has a mature demeanor under the intense anxiety due to her lack of positive social interaction.

discord call to adventure has her run up on something spooky one terrible night and gets sucked into her own scooby gang while trying to hide this from her family. spends intervening seasons on the fringes of the action until her brother gets sucked into it in s4, at which point she's on the warpath.

bisexual, female preference, is aware of it but not of labels. keeps a lid on that because it's small town 80s america and she gets her shit metaphorically kicked in enough being trailer trash from a bad family and a nerd to boot. is tentatively open for shipping but it's not a priority compared to character development/plot propulsion.

rolls a little dice. reads a lot of scifi/fantasy/historical fiction. bikes around town. writes a little vintage self insert x canon. sneaks in some wham! and duran duran because a teen cannot survive on metal and country alone. get down tonight. get down tonight.

a dear friend has described her as 'hypercompetant because of trauma confidence.'

has been tested vetted and built on discord for several months now but we'll see how she does here mb.

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

here we go!:

-repeating my wish that they had gotten a disabled actor for richard iii, but *heavy sigh* we cannot have nice things

-why does roger booth (hastings) look so absolutely Done in every credits photo of him

-the cocktail party continues!

-they knew that barry stanton made the perfect narrator

-margaret’s death stare lmaooooooo

-THE BENJAMIN BERNHEIM LOOKALIKE WEARING A TERRIBLE MUSTACHE AND PLAYING AN ELECTRIC GUITAR GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY

-the listing of deaths is hilarious

-the acknowledging by the characters of said deaths is even more hilarious

-“supporter of those in power…he will live to a ripe old age” well if that ain’t how it ends up happening lmao

-“and now, the ladies!”

-okay those kids are adorable also i hope those cups are filled with juice

-“duchess of york…mourning everybody” lol

-bravi to everyone involved in this introduction that was wonderful

-where’s that one post about shakespeare wii games where the richard iii character intro is just the entirety of this speech and you can’t skip it

-also this speech is wonderful with moody jazz in the background

-it’s your big monologue. you make sex jokes about your big brother. honestly iconic

-richard: hold on a moment, i need to pull a curtain, i need my MOMENT

-way to be subtle there, richard /s

-“i am subtle, false, and treacherous” you got 2 out of 3 there (see previous note)

-most discourse ever over the letter G

-yeah that’s not how that works

-the king is sick. his days are numbeeeeeeered

-richard: *talks to a person*

person: *leaves*

richard: *turns to audience* actually i was lying hahahahaha

this has happened twice already

-“i’ll marry this girl!” “but i killed her husband…and her father…” uhhhhhhh yeah!

-richard pulling a don ottavio but with more murder? it’s more likely than you think!

-“i run before my horse to market” you might wanna go get that horse and make sure it stays with you (joke)

-poor anne

-GO OFF GIRLIE

-richard iii normally: *big book*

richard iii if anne had a gun: *tiny book*

-are you seriously flirting with a woman over her father-in-law’s casket after you murdered him

-“did you kill henry?” “…okay, fine, i’ll give you that one” LMAOOOOOOOOOO

-richard your flirting, even without the fact that you murdered her husband and father-in-law, has negative rizz.

-STAB HIM STAB HIM STAB HIM

-i would like to redact my comment about richard iii if anne had a gun bc clearly she’s not doing anything when literally given a weapon

-this is so fucking stupid

-anne you would not make it out of a horror movie

-richard: i can’t fucking believe that actually worked

-michael pennington has “subtly unsettling politician” DOWN

-elizabeth pls punch him in the face <3

-OH HELLO MARGARET

-okay go off

-yeah i don’t think ANY of you are innocent

-well that’s how to do a curse!

-margaret: *to elizabeth* fuck you

*to rivers* fuck you

*to dorset* fuck you

*to buckingham* you’re cool

*to richard* and fuck you. i’m out!

-make that FOUR “actually i was lying” monologues

-someone had a really rough night

-“kingdom of perpetual night” goes hard tho

-Area Would-Be Murderer Has Attack Of Catholic Guilt

-“you gonna murder me?” “…yeah…” 😂

-you did the one thing richard specifically told you not to do

-clarence is a smol boi with good points

-yeah no clarence sorry you’re wrong

-did you just throw him in a barrel of wine

-edward continues to not do so well

-everyone put your hands in the ✨friendship circle✨

-totally not suspicious to be the first person to report the death you’re responsible for

-oh edward is PISSED

-well i guess edward just died rip

-“king shuffles off mortal coil!” LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

-“ed’s dead” i’m dying

-you should know about henry vi you literally played him

-also: from king of england to newspaper seller announcing the death of the guy who usurped you. hahahahahaha

-“when clouds are seen, wise men put on their clothes.” thank you random person for that nugget of wisdom

-this scene is just “three people making increasingly dumb comments on a street corner”

-ah yes i remember practicing my piano scales over and over. not as much political intrigue though

-wait why are they in prison

-you know the kid’s british bc he’s drinking tea

-y’all need to watch disney’s the hunchback of notre dame (1996) and get a refresher on the concept of “sanctuary”

-yeah the kids are so cute

-this little kid is genre savvy

-the older one not so much (but the tea handoff was hilarious)

-he said that (“chop off [hastings’] head”) without even flinching

-“dude it’s litchrally four am why are you doing this”

-“y’all woke me up so i might as well shave” lol

-just chatting about death in the street and out the upstairs bathroom window lmao

-why is everyone showing up at hastings’ house at four am

-from richard ii to richard iii—pomfret is bringing it full circle baby!!!

-well that was fast

-you can’t just pull a henry v treason scene on someone who didn’t do anything wrong

-yeah of course margaret is right

-hastings is just like: i wanna go back to bed. i haven’t even had my coffee yet. what the fuck is this bullshit *gets murdered*

-they’re just pulling an edmund in king lear

-alternatively, shooting in the air to keep the property prices low

-who’s whistling omg

-the lord mayor is just so confused

-oh so now you’re spreading rumors that edward was a bastard

-richard is disguised as a monk???

-correction: not disguised as a monk

-the lord mayor continues to be confused

-you know, richard could’ve had a really great career in acting (“savannah acting was not the same in the late 1400s” i don’t care)

-“gee, how could i accept the crown?”

-annnnnnnnnnnnnnd there it is

-not the photographer dashing off lmao

-hey welcome back anne!

-stanley sees what way the wind is blowing

-ope anne realized

-oh hey is that a computer

-noooooooooooooo don’t kill the kids

-rumor has it ooooooooooooh rumor has it oooooooooooooooh

-wait anne has literally been standing there THE ENTIRE TIME???????????

-“the name’s tyrrell. james tyrrell.”

-anne: guess i’ll die (stole that from @shredsandpatches)

-oh buckingham is PISSED

-richard looks like a gamer. i think it’s the sunglasses.

-THE HEAD TILT

-also damn a lot happened offstage in the last ten minutes

-oh hey margaret’s back!

-margaret sitting on the throne WHAT an image

-poor elizabeth :(

-the women altogether…three women who hate each other but are all grieving

-“teach me how to curse” well you picked the best to learn from

-it’s fine i didn’t need my emotional stability

-mic drop moment from mama!

-elizabeth what the fuck (but i guess she’s certainly learning from margaret!)

-GET HIS ASS ELIZABETH

-“in your daughter’s womb i bury [your sons]” THE FACE I JUST MADE—

-dude you are IN the chair

-uh oh things are not looking so good for you

-everyone realizing too late that margaret was right about absolutely everything

-welp bye bye buckingham

-oh hi richmond

-this scene is giving henry v night before agincourt

-ooooooooooh it’s a ghost

-GHOST OF HENRY VI JUST STRAIGHT UP GHOST SHANKED RICHARD GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY

-clarence with the wine lmao

-it’s the murder victim parade

-okay i think the kids would freak me out the MOST

-ANNE SPITTING ON HIM GOODBYE

-that was spooky and delightful

-richard is spiiiiiiiiiiiiiraling

-“i am a villain” we know. we know. and now you’re sad about it.

-i mean really. he’s despicable just because of *gestures vaguely at his actions* and he’s also complex and intense and he’s been mistreated

-“i fear…I!!! FEAR!!!”

-iiiiiiiiiiiiiit’s BATTLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

-AND THERE’S THE ICONIC LINE

-barber adagio for strings jumpscare

-oh this is staged just like the hal/hotspur fight in this cycle’s henry iv part 1! with the medieval armor in the otherwise modern-ish setting and everything

-and thus ends the life of richard.

-it’s all about the press

-at least elizabeth made it out

-clever to make this a tv address

-thus begins the reign of the tudors, and thus ends the wars of the roses AND the richard/henry/edward cycle!

-and we take it out with god save the king!

guess it’s time to watch richard iii (not electric boogaloo), still from the esc bc consistency i guess?

@shredsandpatches

[slipping-lately]

THIS!!! Dude is a smooth talker, he can fake rizz but once it actually matters it doesn't work. He can only rizz up his clients and even so it's not even him doing it like that, he's just buttering them up with pretty little lies to get the best deals for himself if able.

Dude tries so hard to rizz people up but he just can't which is hilarious as much as it's sad given how handsome he is.

I get why people often headcanon sampo as very promiscuous like I get where they're coming from but personally I just think the man is absolutely rizzless. Idk I think it's a combination of the disproportionately negative attitude of pretty much everyone towards him and just his general way of talking. I just think he'd go up to someone and say some cheesy ass pickup line and they'd promptly kick him in the balls