#currently my ONLY dark forest cat and not even there bc she did anything wrong.... my tragic little girl....

[bumbleclan]

strike stripe you will always b famous...

[clowngore]

thank you for tagging me ?? @fucktional-slytherpuff idk you but wow great Rules: Answer all questions and tag 20 people. 1. What is your nickname? nizh probably 2. What is your zodiac sign? sagittarius 3. What is your favorite book series? i can't read 4. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts? hell ya 5. Who is your favorite author? i can't read 6. What is your current favorite song? tbh the first youtube result for kashmir metal cover because kashmir is the song gwendoline thinks of when she's in character as phasma so it's like, her theme song, but the metal cover fits her more y'know 7. What is your favorite word? fuck 8. What was the last song you listened to? haunted mansion theme song 9. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch? game of thrones bc i'm stereotypical 10. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? idfk but airplane and tombstone are always things i'll watch 11. Do you play video games? (sims music playing) (minecraft grass blocks breaking) (star wars lego theme song) yeah i'm a gamer B) 12. What is your biggest fear? being average 13. What is your best quality, in your opinion? every single thing i love myself 14. What is your worst quality, in your opinion? my ability to get overwhelmed after being alive for .5 seconds 15. What is your favorite season? autumn? or winter but i just really love halloween 16. Are you in a relationship? nah 17. What is something you miss from your childhood? cali-fucking-fornia 18. Who is your best friend? yumi n izzy n felix are the best friend trio 19. What is your eye color? l ight br o wn ?? ? 20. What is your hair color? rn it's purple but naturally it's dark brown almost black 21. Who is someone you love? the goddess of the universe who saved all of our souls simply by existing, gwendoline christie, 22. Who is someone you trust? the friend trio 23. Who is someone you think about often? ....................gwen 24. Are you currently excited about/for something? death 25. What is your biggest obsession? star wars or game of thrones idk 26. What was your favorite TV show as a child? spongebob hell yea 27. Do you have any unusual phobias? cherophobia 28. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? both 29. What is your favorite hobby? crying 30. What was the last book you read? i can't read 31. What was the last movie you watched? my cousin vinny i think 32. What musical instruments do you play, if any? sort of guitar but i'm shit 33. What is your favorite animal? bears bears bears bears bears 34. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow? literally blog that consistently posts abt gwendoline 35. What superpower do you wish you had? shapeshifting 36. When and where do you feel most at peace? in my room, at night, aaaaaaaa and also the haunted mansion and pirates of the caribbean (the disneyland rides) lmao my childhood 37. What makes you smile? gwendoline. captain phasma. brienne of tarth. people complimenting me. cool clothing. me, when i look good. 38. What sports do you play, if any? is suffering a sport 39. What is your favorite drink? i fucking love matcha frappuccino with two shots of espresso 40. Are you afraid of heights? more like "don't push (person) off don't push them off don't push don't push them do not push them off don't do it i swear to god if you push them, which you will not, i will kill you do not push them" 41. What is your biggest pet peeve? gender roles and biases 42. Have you ever been to a concert? (laughs for an uncomfortably long time) (wipes tear) yeah 43. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? an actor or a singer or a president and damn nizh 2/3 44. What fictional world would you like to live in? star wars fuckin duh 45. What is something you worry about? currently school and This Person 46. Are you scared of the dark? nah 47. Do you like to sing? FUCK YEah 48. Have you ever skipped school? refer to 42 49. What is your favorite place on the planet? my room or disneyland 50. Where would you like to live? kerry co ireland or outside of sapporo japan 51. Do you have any pets? ya i got a cat n a dog 52. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl? night owl 53. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better? i like when the sun is on the opposite side of the world 54. Do you know how to drive? ): 55. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones? headphones kill me 56. Have you ever had braces? yeah it's hell 57. What is your favorite genre of music? is rock too vague 58. Who is your hero? i can't answer these questions with anything other than gwendoline dhjsfjkdjs 59. Do you read comic books? i wish i would get around to it 60. What makes you the most angry? refer to 41 61. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book? i like real books but i'm so lazy that i'm more likely to read digital 62. What is your favorite subject in school? leaving 63. Do you have any siblings? unfortunately i have two 64. What was the last thing you bought? that implies that i have money to spend (probably clothes) 65. How tall are you? 5'0 or 5'1 idk 66. Can you cook? can i use my brain ever 67. What are three things that you love? gwendoline, my ego, sleeping 68. What are three things that you hate? refer to 42, homophobes/transphobes, overwhelming things 69. What is your sexual orientation? bi???? idk but i love girls and in between and boys are kinda iffy i'm not sure if i like them i don't think so but it's Confusing 70. Where do you currently live? unfortunately the united states of prejudice 71. Who was the last person you texted? yumi 72. When was the last time you cried? idk last night prolly 73. Who is your favorite YouTuber? no one ? 74. Do you like to take selfies? ya way too much but it's justified bc i'm great 75. What is your favorite app? tumblr idk 76. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like? it's fine 77. What is your favorite foreign accent? gwen's 78. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit? idfk i'm too tired for this 79. What is your favorite number? 13 because i like to be edgy 80. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting? space, the ocean is confining 81. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? idk i do what i want to 82. Are you allergic to anything? chocolate. dairy. idk 83. Can you wiggle your ears? i don't think so? 84. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something? i'm never wrong 85. Do you prefer the forest or the beach? hhhhhhhhhhhhh idk??????? 86. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? nobody has given me advice but, everything gwen says is rly good and basically what i can say is: do things that you want if they, logically, make sense and are reasonable and don't hurt anyone. rules that are based on nothing and are just rules to be rules don't need to be followed. judge whether people need to be respected, only respect authority that deserves respect. society is wrong most of the time. if people don't like you it's not your problem and they can cry about it, you're still great and just because some ugly loser is wrong about you doesn't mean that you're automatically worse. 87. Are you a good liar? i'm an actor so 88. What is your Hogwarts House? idk 89. Do you talk to yourself? mhm 90. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert 91. Do you keep a journal/diary? i don't even keep my thoughts consistently 92. Do you believe in second chances? depends 93. Do you believe that people are capable of change? yeah but i don't wanna be the one to do it 94. Are you ticklish? literally nowhere 95. Have you ever been on a plane? ya a shitload 96. Do you have any piercings? my ears twice but i want more 97. What fictional character do you wish was real? literally take a fuckin guess (phasma) 98. Do you have any tattoos? god i wish 99. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? refer to 86. the decision to not care and to judge things for myself def makes me feel better about myself and the world because the pressures of society need to fuck off 100. Do you believe in karma? sorta 101. Do you wear glasses or contacts? no 102. Do you want children? adopt older (10+) children when i'm older 103. Who is the smartest person you know? lmao me (idk) 104. What is your most embarrassing memory? when i was in kindergarten this girl said her favorite color was either pink or purple and i really aggressively raised my hand pointing 1 finger and said "black!!" and everyone stared at me and my life has never been that bad 105. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? way too many times 106. What color are most of you clothes? black 107. Do you like adventures? idk i don't do shit 108. Have you ever been on TV? god i wish 109. How old are you? no 110. What is your favorite quote? "i became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity" and it's not because of the emo reason you think it actually makes sense if i explain it 111. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods? idk 112. Have your friends ever badly disapponted you? side-eyes That Person 113. What is your favorite scent? cold 114. Random fact you know? every penny made before 1982 is actually almost fully copper, and if melted down is worth 2 cents 115. What is your opinion on long distance relationships? hard. just, really hard. not sure if it's worth it 
Tagging: @yumikoflare @one-bad-apple @boxer-pup @erosiian @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell and if anyone else wants to do them you should message me so i know to tag you in the future LOL

[accidental-butt-touch]

Multiples of 6, because I do hate you as much as you hate me

bitch. you made me do actual math

3: Zodiac sign?

Aries

5: Book/series I reread?

I attempted to reread the Leviathan trilogy but the only one that I have actually reread was A Series of Unfortunate Events. I reread books all the time (although lately i haven’t been able to finish books anymore lol)

6: Aliens or ghosts?

Aliens are real. Ghosts are not

9: Favourite flavour of anything?

I don’t think I have a favorite flavor of anything but usually cherry is a safe flavor

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

fantastic

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better?

what’s ur name?

15: Last song I listened to?

Sidewalks - The Weeknd

18: Movie I watch when I’m feeling down?

my favorite ones, jurassic park and the fifth element

20: Favourite video games?

i’m not really a video game player but I loved my psp game Daxter and Sims Castaway so much. i wish my psp still worked…

24: Cats or dogs?

i’m a dog person tbh

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in?

used to be Robin Williams but i guess now it’s…

27: Am I in a relationship?

HA! i never been in a relationship in my entire life

28: Something I miss?

being able to stay home

30: Eye colour?

Dark brown

33: Someone I trust?

i trust different people for different things but i trust my mom for most things

36: My current obsession?

killing stalking…

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to?

no not really

39: Am I superstitious?

nah

40: What do I think about most?

mostly i’m calculating when i can get free time

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

definitely behind it. i hate pictures of myself so much bc i hate myself

45: Last film I watched?

i didn’t get to watch the whole thing bc i had to get back to my homework but it was national treasure

48: Top 5 blog on Tumblr that I follow?

50: How do I destress?

i take long showers and stay up late fucking around in the internet

51: Do I like confrontation?

no

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off?

shroud me in darkness

55: Play any sports?

HA no

57: Favourite drink?

iced tea

60: Pet peeve?

i CANNOT STAND IT when people make noises with their mouth while eating or chewing (not even myself)

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger?

i wanted to be a paleontologist

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

66: Something I worry about?

if i’m gonna finish my work on time

69: What do I admire most about others?

depends on the person

70: Can I sing?

I wish i could

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do?

depends on the amount but if it’s a substantial amount i’d pay off my loans, buy my parents a car, then save the rest

75: Where do I want to live?

i don’t necessarily have a specific place that i want to live but i really want to get out of florida. it’s too damn hot

78: Early bird or night owl?

100% night owl.

80: Can I drive?

yep. drive to class at least 3 times a week

81: Story behind my last kiss?

never been kissed

84: Story behind one of my scars?

i’m gonna give you two cause i’m feeling generous

The one i have on my right knee was because I was being a dumbass and was “interpretive bike dancing.” I was twisting gracefully on my bike and then i either hit a small pebble on the road or turned wrong and just splatted on the road lol

the one i have on my left eyelid was when i was four and i was at my babysitter’s house. she was also taking care of her granddaughter at the time and she was the same age as me. she wanted to cut my hair so she took a pair of scissors and tried to cut bangs. she but both my hair and my eyelid open. fun times

85: Favourite genre of music?

I don’t necessarily have a favorite but lately i’ve been really into electronic music

87: Favourite comic book character?

harley quinn

90: Favourite sporty activity?

staring at the ceiling. it’s pretty athletic  

93: Siblings?

1 little brother

95: How tall am I?

5’2” lol

96: Can I cook?

i can cook some things but I’m no chef

99: 3 things I hate?

snoring

thanksgiving/holiday scented things

country music

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?

i have more girl friends. i have no idea what happened to all of my guy friends lol

102: Where was I born?

Florida

105: Last person I texted?

this group chat i have for a group project i have for tv class

108: Favourite Youtuber?

TerryTV

110: Do I like selfies?

no lol

111: Favourite game app?

words with friends, although i haven’t played it in a while

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit?

Japan

115: Favourite number?

5

117: Am I religious?

this is kind of a difficult question. I’ve been raised in a strict christian household so i do hold some of those beliefs but i’m kind of in a spot where i’m not sure what my beliefs actually are. so i’ll get back to you on that

120: Am I much of a daredevil?

i can be just to spite someone

123: Can I wiggle my ears?

actually this is a recent skill that i have randomly developed. so yes

125: The Beatles or Elvis?

I was raised with the Beatles so the Beatles

126: My current project?

technically it’s an edition of drypoint prints in printmaking class AND IT’S KILLING MY WILL TO LIVE

129: Forest or beach?

i like and hate both

130: Favourite piece of advice?

i’m not sure

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district?

friends say i’m a ravenclaw. I actually passed to Dauntless but i was one point away from Erudite. i have no idea how you find your district but i want to know now

135: Do I like gossip?

not really but i am guilty of partaking in it sometimes

138: Do I believe in second chances?

yes

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do?

find who lost it. look inside for the id and see if there’s a number to call if no one claims it. if they never respond i’d figure out where i can turn it in to

140: Do I believe people are capable of change?

yes

141: Have I ever been underweight?

i have never been a normal weight no

144: Have I ever been on a plane?

yeah. when i was extremely young tho

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family?

let them be my actual family

147: Do I have any piercings?

i had two in my ears but i think the second ones closed up cause i lost the earrings

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

i don’t know

153: What was my first car?

2008 nissan sentra

155: Who is the most intelligent person I know?

leah @trashcanbees

156: My most embarrassing memory?

why tf would i put that on the internet and let that be used as blackmail

159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty?

brains

160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe?

black, grey, and blue

162: What do I hate most about myself?

EVERYTHING

165: Do I believe in fate?

not really no

168: Have I ever been on TV?

technically yes. when i was a baby, my dad when he worked at the local fox station  put a clip of me sleeping in my crib for a local commercial

170: One of my favourite quotes?

i had an answer for this and then i lost it

171: Do I hold grudges?

not normally i don’t think

174: Best gift I’ve ever received?

this light up cherry blossom tree that sarah got me for graduation and an infinite CD that leah got me when i first got into kpop

175: Do I dream?

yes and either they are weird as fuck or very violent

177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind?

i used be able to remember my dreams a lot but lately it’s not as often

what comes to mind are the ones that had to do with showers

180: Do I like shopping?

i abhor it

183: What is my spirit animal?

idk

185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose?

to speed draw and have it look good af

186: What is my greatest failure?

attending college

189: Love or career?

i don’t understand why you can’t have both??

190: If I could time travel, where and when would I want to go?

i’d be afraid bc time travel could mess up shit but i’d go to the future to see if the world actually does go through an armaggedon. either that or just see if i do end up being alone for the rest of my life

192: What is “home” to me?

my house???

195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens?

no cause i’m almost sure they would be hostile

198: Zombies or vampires?

……vampires…..

200: Dragons or wizards?

dragons?

201: A nightmare that has stayed with me?

i haven’t had any real traumatic nightmares lately so idk

204: Have I ever had my heart broken?

no i don’t think so

205: Do I like my handwriting?

my handwriting is shitty but i’ve just learned to accept that

207: Worst job I’ve had?

i am a potato and have never had a job

210: What is on my bucket list?

to go to France to see the gothic cathedrals and to go to Japan to see the cherry blossoms

213: Do I use sarcasm a lot?

nooo

215: What is the weirdest talent I have?

apparently i make really good coffee??? but i don’t do anything to it???

216: Favourite fictional character?

Spencer Reid from criminal minds

Walter Bishop from Fringe

Nozaki Umetaro from gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun

honestly i have no idea if i chose the right ones bc towards the middle i kinda got confused

[chemrxn]

1-150 ty I gave u a break ok

:( 

i’m gonna put this under a read more so other people don’t have to suffer 

1: My name?

Ris (this is a nickname sorry)

2: Do I have any nicknames?

Ris

3: Zodiac sign?

Virgo 

4: Video game I play to chill, not to win?

I don’t usually play video games, but I recommend Journey

5: Book/series I reread?

Harry Potter

6: Aliens or ghosts?

Aliens

7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write?

Idk maybe Haruki Murakami even though I haven’t read all of his works yet

8: Favourite radio station?

WQXR or WNYC, but I love Welcome to Night Vale even though it’s a radio podcast and not a station

9: Favourite flavour of anything?

Matcha

10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great?

???? maybe amazing

11: Favourite song?

Classical: Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No. 2

Modern: “What’s It Gonna Be” by Shura

12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better?

What do you like to do in your free time? lmao

13: Favourite word?

Aesthetic (but usage is becoming exponentially ironic) 

14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them?

No, but I think I forgot about them because right now I can only think of the time someone hurt me 6 years ago 

15: Last song I listened to?

End Credits (Pride & Prejudice, 2005) by Dario Marianelli and Jean-Yves Thibaudet (lmao)

16: TV show I always recommend?

Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey :’) 

17: Pirates or ninjas?

Ninjas

18: Movie I watch when I’m feeling down?

Spirited Away 

19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song?

Idk I always put it on random

20: Favourite video games?

Journey 

21: What am I most afraid of?

Failing everyone’s expectations of me and failing in general

22: A good quality of mine?

I’m a decent baker?

23: A bad quality of mine?

Too shy/introverted

24: Cats or dogs?

Both

25: Actor/actress you trust enough to watch whatever they’re in?

Idk but I am increasingly loving John Boyega 

26: Favourite season?

Spring 

27: Am I in a relationship?

Maybe? I really hope so? 

28: Something I miss?

My motivation to do things

29: My best friend?

I have several, including (but not limited to) @kafkaeasque ;) 

30: Eye colour?

Brown

31: Hair colour?

Black

32: Someone I love?

@jdk98

33: Someone I trust?

My dad

34: Someone I always think about?

@jdk98

35: Am I excited about anything?

I’m excited to meet up with my friends!!!! @kafkaeasque

36: My current obsession?

Brooklyn 99

37: Favourite TV shows as a child?

Literally every show on PBS Kids as well as Thomas the Tank Engine when I was 3 for some reason

38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to?

My dad lol

39: Am I superstitious?

Not really

40: What do I think about most?

How unproductive I am

41: Do I have any strange phobias?

No

42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

Behind, though I wish I could be more photogenic

43: Favourite hobbies?

Art, crafts, baking, reading, going on this trash website and looking at memes

44: Last book I read?

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe

45: Last film I watched?

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

46: Do I play any instruments?

Cello, piano 

47: Favourite animal?

Now I have less of a preference for one animal but besides all cute animals I like owls…when I was younger I really liked polar bears, then dolphins

48: Top 5 blogs on Tumblr that I follow?

@floccinaucinihilipilificationa, @ladyhistory, @thatsthat24, @thebootydiaries, @fleamontpotter in no particular order

49: Superpower I wish I could have?

Shapeshifting

50: How do I destress?

Arts/crafts, laughing at memes

51: Do I like confrontation?

No

52: When do I feel most at peace?

When I’m sleeping or cuddling with someone

53: What makes me smile?

My family and friends

54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off?

Off, but I have been known to fall asleep with them on

55: Play any sports?

Lol no

56: What is my song of the week?

I don’t have songs of the week but see the question on my fav songs 

57: Favourite drink?

Coffee tbh but sometimes I crave tea

58: When did I last send a handwritten letter to somebody?

Just last week! But it was the first time in a while and it took 3 tries for me to correctly write the recipient’s address on the letter

59: Afraid of heights?

A little

60: Pet peeve?

Mismatching chopsticks

61: What was the last concert I went to see?

My school’s acapella + organ holiday midnight concert

62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian?

No

63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger?

A doctor

64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy?

Luckily, no, but I did have a friend who some other friends had a falling out with, and I distanced myself from her bc I started seeing how problematic she was

65: What fictional universe would I like to be a part of?

Harry Potter 10000000%

66: Something I worry about?

Failing, not being good enough, etc.

67: Scared of the dark?

Not really

68: Who are my best friends?

See question 29

69: What do I admire most about others?

How they have their lives together even though they tell me they don’t but they do

70: Can I sing?

A little? The quality of sound has something to be desired though 

71: Something I wish I could do?

Stop procrastinating so much

72: If I won the lottery, what would I do?

Buy gifts for my loved ones and for myself, pay my college tuition, pay for grad school, donate to charities, put the rest away in a bank account

73: Have I ever skipped school?

For mandatory music rehearsals, yes, and also on days after prom

74: Favourite place on the planet?

With my loved ones

75: Where do I want to live?

Far away from my responsibilities, preferably close to nature but still conveniently near important stores

76: Do I have any pets?

No :(

77: What is my current desktop picture?

It’s something I embroidered a while ago

78: Early bird or night owl?

Night owl 

79: Sunsets or sunrise?

Sunsets…it’s not ‘both’ because I can’t wake up early enough to see the sun rise

80: Can I drive?

I have a permit but nah

81: Story behind my last kiss?

I’ve only kissed people on the cheek/been kissed on the cheek so idk

82: Earphones or headphones?

Headphones

83: Have I ever had braces?

Yes

84: Story behind one of my scars?

Skinned my elbow playing foursquare as a kid

85: Favourite genre of music?

Classical/neoclassical

86: Who is my hero?

Rosalind Franklin

87: Favourite comic book character?

I don’t read comics but Captain America is pretty cool

88: What makes me really angry?

Really ignorant, irresponsible, and/or selfish people

89: Kindle or real book?

Real

90: Favourite sporty activity?

Badminton

91: What is one thing that isn’t tight in schools that should be?

In my old high school we had a testing schedule that some teachers wouldn’t follow, which would result in pileups of exams on one or two days, so that should have been more strictly enforced

92: What was my favourite subject at school?

Biology

93: Siblings?

I have a brother

94: What was the last thing I bought?

Some parts for a project my dad and I are building

95: How tall am I?

5′2″ :( 

96: Can I cook?

Yes?

97: Can I bake?

Yes

98: 3 things I love?

Sleep, soft things, space

99: 3 things I hate?

Condiments, too-sweet desserts, torque and rotation in physics (like wtf is precession and how does it work????? I still can’t explain it)

100: Do I have more girl friends or boy friends?

Girl friends

101: Who do I get on with better, girls or boys?

Girls I guess

102: Where was I born?

California

103: Sexual orientation?

Me @ me: ?????????? (def not straight tho, leaning towards bi)

104: Where do I currently live?

Near NYC

105: Last person I texted?

A friend who came to my house to bake cookies

106: Last time I cried?

Last time I really cried was during the presidential election, but in general I tear up really easily for some reason

107: Guilty pleasure?

Reading cute gay manga/manhua like Komahoshi, 19 Days, and Their Story, and also rewatching videos of Yuzuru Hanyu breaking records like crazy

108: Favourite Youtuber?

Simone Giertz (queen of shitty robots)

109: A photo of myself.

110: Do I like selfies?

I like other people’s selfies but I suck at taking them…I just wish I was more photogenic!!!

111: Favourite game app?

Don’t have any games on my phone, but I loved Neko Atsume 

112: My relationship with my parents?

Really close :) 

113: Favourite accents?

Idk

114: A place I have not been but wish to visit?

Japan

115: Favourite number?

7

116: Can I juggle?

Kind of, but only with 3 objects max

117: Am I religious?

No

118: Do I like space?

YES

119: Do I like the deep ocean?

Eh there are some terrifying creatures down there

120: Am I much of a daredevil?

Nah 

121: Am I allergic to anything?

No, but for several years I had dermatographic uticaria, which is a condition in which scratching, slapping, or rubbing my skin really hard causes swelling that looks like hives. The condition involves mast cells and histamine, which are the mechanisms of inflammation also present in allergic reactions. And now you’re bored.

122: Can I curl my tongue?

Yes, but not in the cool w :(

123: Can I wiggle my ears?

No

124: Do I like clowns?

At first, I was ambivalent. After the killer clowns in the woods, no

125: The Beatles or Elvis?

Beatles

126: My current project?

Creating a non-invasive beta-amyloid plaque removal apparatus with my dad for my grandma, who has Alzheimer’s

127: Am I a bad loser?

Nah, even though I can get really competitive for no reason (also I don’t like competitions so it’s weird)

128: Do I admit when I wrong?

Yes, even though I admit it’s unpleasant

129: Forest or beach?

Both, as long as there are no swarms of mosquitos/gnats hanging out in the forest

130: Favourite piece of advice?

Fake it until you make it (except I’m always gonna be faking it until I die tbh)

131: Am I a good liar?

I’m okay at white lies

132: Hogwarts house / Divergent faction / Hunger Games district?

Hufflepuff

133: Do I talk to myself?

Sometimes

134: Am I very social?

Not really

135: Do I like gossip?

Once in a while

136: Do I keep a journal/diary?

Yes but I haven’t written in it in a long time

137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test?

Yes lol in high school sophomore year I got a D+ on my math midterm

138: Do I believe in second chances?

Yes

139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do?

Bring it to a nearby police station 

140: Do I believe people are capable of change?

Yes, if they are willing to

141: Have I ever been underweight?

No 

142: Am I ticklish?

Yes

143: Have I ever been in a submarine?

Only in a docked one

144: Have I ever been on a plane?

Yes

145: In a film about my life, who would I cast as myself, friends and family?

Idk don’t know enough Asian-American actors because there AREN’T ENOUGH

146: Have I ever been overweight?

No but almost (for my height)

147: Do I have any piercings?

No…I really want to, but my mom tells me I have to wait for next year because apparently there’s only one day of the year where you can get piercings without being attacked by spirits or something (she’s superstitious) 

148: Which fictional character do I wish was real?

Captain America so he can punch Trump

149: Do I have any tattoos?

No but I lowkey want one

150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far?

Going to the college I’m currently at :) 

Wow, okay, if you made it all the way here, kudos to you! Thanks for reading the entire thing

[wolcenvescor-blog]

Mirror in the Stone

so here is my complete love history 25+ years, no embellishments or falsities, hopefully i have left nothing out though i dont think i shall, names are all changed.

The first love i can recall was called Snail, in the 4th grade. She was the nicest girl in the class, everyone was her friend. She had awkwardly thick glasses and a sad smile. I told her years later that she was my first crush and she said but i was so ugly. she gave me a worn-out stuffed animal for my birthday one year, the best birthday present ive ever gotten.

The second was at the beginning of 7th grade, i met a girl named Tiger. She had beautiful green eyes which she frequently thrust in my face and made me very flustered. She had a great enthusiasm for everything, almost like a desperate passion. She held my hand but withdrew quickly.

I said not to leave anything out, but what follows is a bit of a mess of connections for one reason or another.

The third was Kitty. I would remain in limerence of Kitty for a number of years, during which she and i dated and broke up with several people and in between she sent me (and i no doubt sent her) confusing signals. Kitty was a lefty guitarist who wore short skirts and mismatched argyle socks. She lived partly in dreams and i felt she thought a lot like me. We always seemed to create something when we were together. When she looked at me, i felt she really looked at me. When she was not looking at me it felt awful. I wanted more. I made a beautiful thing for her. It was lost.

in 8th grade i kissed a girl named Wolfcharm. She called me after that and I couldn’t return her affections.

similarly i dated Wasp for about a week, a large loving boy who called me “baby.”

i dated a girl named Eagledog who would rough me about and later joined the marines. i “dumped” her for my best friend, who was ALSo dating her at the time and dumped her also straight after.

I did mention i was still in limerence of Kitty?

After that i had a brief connection with a boy named Tarantula, to whom i told my dark secrets, as he told me his. I had told him i could not stop thinking about him, which was true. we brought about catharsis in each other briefly, just through the talking, and crying. he was arrested soon after that and i never saw him again.

There was a boy i dated briefly in the first year of high school called Stork, and i was too nervous and broke it off quickly.

i had a brief encounter with Duck, who i have known a long time, but while she was in limerence of me when i was a child, we did not want to pursue it either of us.

And then there was Mongoose, who i will get back to later. Mongoose and i did mushrooms together and performed an odd mating ritual that collapsed into some kind of nightmare mythology. It fell apart and I continued my limerence of Kitty, until my best friend suggested i move on from both her and Mongoose with the seemingly-sweet Marmoset.

Marmoset was actually a nightmare. He lured me in with x and fast chemicals, he was high constantly and constantly trying to get me high. I was going to move in with my friends in a city we’d decided, with money they’d saved. I was going to get any wage job i could get. Marm decided to tag along. Did nothing. After i failed to hold a job and eating nothing but potatoes, and after Marm had already gone back to his parents, imploring me to return, i moved back home.

I moved in with my best friend, who was pregnant.

it didn’t work out. it never did and i kept trying to tell her that we could not live together. during that time i worked packing SPICE, getting it all over my hands, absorbing it through my skin. it was a good thing, too, bc when an Evil Person (i will call him Jackalope) DOSED me & Mongoose with massive amounts of the horrid chemical, i probably would have died if i hadn’t had already developed a tolerance. no one believed that it was deliberate. i FELT what Jackalope was, my subconscious warned me. even, a week after he dosed us, when he got arrested for trying to kill someone with a knife, no one believed me.

i left there.

My sister, the evil Marmoset, and i moved into an apartment together. He got me a job at his parents’ work, which made good money, except when your "boy-friend” spends it on cocaine and hits you. this went on for a while, more than i thought possible. i believed it was not intentional, that it was “sleep-violence.” he convinced me of that. my dreams were always telling me to get out. my sister did not know. even when my other two sisters effectively moved into my tiny apartment with me, they did not know. it was secret violence. mind-violence. i needed to get away.

During this time, my best friend gave birth to my niece.

i was still in limerence of Kitty, and attempted to use her to get away from Marmoset. when that didn’t work, I used Moth, who was a person who showed up at my door, a friend of my sister’s, who came into my apartment as i was painting alone and listened to my problems at length. He convinced me to go with him, he said it would be ok, it would just be for a little while. I did. Moth was another nightmare, but i escaped much more quickly, emotionally, mentally, physically. he did hurt me but he helped me as well, no credit is due. anyone who would have helped me get away would have helped.

i walked to another city, just walked, Moth was there but he was silent, i was in pain for not being used to walking, but did not want to show it, Moth just kept going and going. i was grateful to have someone with me but it was not really companionship. he would often get angry with me for being “weak.”

i reached my mother’s house in the other city but she did not want me there. i got a job at a coffee stand in a grocery store where i was coworkers with Rabbit, a truly magnificent creature. She only wanted to talk about history. She was from Taiwan, and told me about Japan and China fighting over her country and people. She was twelve years older than me & was as habitual as i fear i will be in that time. i say fear because Rabbit had trapped herself, i tried to suggest she leave but it was too frightening once the loneliness had set in, she confided to me.

as i said my mother did not want me at her house. i could not go back to where i had been. i began talking to Moth on the internet, he said oh hey just come live with me. i’ll get you a plane ticket. so i took it.

on December 25, 2010, i arrived in the north alone, walked from the airport to the woods. the airport had lost my bag with my blankets in it, and i waited there a long time before they kicked me out. in the forest i fell asleep in the night under all my clothes & the 1 blanket i had from my carrying on bag. the snow fell on my sleeping body and i woke in a sort of stupor. all i was was a quest for warmth, and i don’t know how i got anywhere because it took so much effort to move. eventually i wandered toward some buildings strip and got inside an airlock. my foolishness that first night showed me how to respect the cold.

i was homeless alongside Moth in the cold cold beautiful north for a while, as he did not actually have a place to live. aside from Moth, it was the most pleasant homelessness i have ever experienced. there was always food and always coffee.

we went together to a small town where we moved in to rooms in a house with 2 beautiful cats and their lovely monkey who played guitar constantly, as well as another human who was always always always working so so so so hard (i barely saw her, but i liked her, she canned pickles, a paramedic & forest ranger both! how?).

i felt so alone however i loved the land. abundant it was, i grew so many things. tomato plants sprang unbiddinly from the ground. i visited the beautiful clear cold river almost every day. i cared for her as a servant to the water, i worked at the water treatment plant and i loved it so much. but i felt out of place. wrong. and always a constant longing that threatened to defeat me.

on May 26, 2012, i wrote in my diary so i would not forget.

but i did forget.

my mind was full of terrible illusions, of being cut off from my family, thinking they did not want me anymore. because of Moth, but i did not know that. aside from that was another feeling that had been there since before i went to the north. it was stronger there, but it was still not right. and on May 26, 2012, my mind broke apart and let other things in.

and then so close to my “psychotic break” which change lasted 1 year exactly, which i can’t attempt to explain, i attempted to suppress those feelings. on June 19, 2012, i drank 2 bottles of cough syrup and the strongest wine i could get at the corner store and jumped in the river where the current was strong. As it was june it was not cold enough, but it was cold, and very dangerous. i knew that. i got myself out when i realised it would not be a very good birthday present for my friend Mongoose.

When i returned home again, this time from the far north, Mongoose kissed me on some parking garage (he was always trying to ever since the aforementioned failed weird mating ritual) and i felt so shaken that i believed for a moment that maybe i had found that other name, that it was Mongoose all along, but he only wanted to sleep with me and forget me again. he accused me of leaving my city “for a person”-- for Moth? no. Moth had been poison for me & i had extricated myself carefully from his friendship. Mongoose did not listen to me. Our tentative one-sided romance lasted for about two weeks.

i gave him 2 letters explaining about the other name, asking if it was him. He did not reply. i felt an overwhelming sense that something was passing me by. i spent so much time at his diy music venue that he had made with three of his friends, trying to find it, trying to find it.

i lost it.

I tried to deal with the pain of that for quite some time, i worked and saved money, i lived alone.

leading up to the day sometimes i felt frozen. strange. i would do things like i always would do, but sometimes was overcome with a feeling of helpless immobility. i would lie on the floor of my apartment for hours, not moving an inch.

on May 26, 2013, i experienced a ‘psychotic break,’ or i guess the world ended. i marked the day as it having been the start of my ‘psychotic break’ but it was actually the end, having echoed into the next year on the same date. i saw my grandfather soon before this, on the anniversary of his death.

After that i met Swan. she was so beautiful and seemed to really like me. but Swan was psychotic too, or whatever that is, and i did not know this for a long time, but she was also caught in the net of a psycho-killer, Muck Leech, who tried to catch me too. It began badly, it ended badly.

i kissed my beautiful friend Deer, with whom i was not in limerence but whom i loved dearly. Deer would often come to visit me as she lived close by. We did art together but nothing ever really came of the kiss, not in that way.

my best friend moved into a house in the neighborhood east of downtown, so i started spending a lot of time there. Swan lived there too, and i found i could use her energy and went to where she lived often, to paint. I had in fact abandoned my limerence of her because she had rejected me in that way, but was still preoccupied with her well-being.

i began dating Swan’s friend Peacock, who lived there too and with whom i was not in limerence but i felt i needed to be close to. i helped Peacock with her art while suppressing my own. it was comfortable, because i was still getting accustomed to my psychosis, and Peacock, though not ideal, was at least tolerant of that.

it was then also that i met a young boy named Chinchilla, who called me an angel and did magic spells with me.

and then on October 6, 2013, the world ended again, that was the day my best friend died. i didn’t find out until 2 days later, October 8, 2013.

i was in the outskirts, living with my uncle, having been in and out of mental institutions so often it all blurred together. when i found out she had died it was on the internet. it was real and not real. i called my sister. she did not know. she could not believe it. are you sure, she said. i was on the grassy lawn. it was a beautiful day, cool, clear. the trees rained their frission on me. i called Mongoose, her other closest friend. before i had said anything coherent he hung up on me. he never talked to me about her, then or after. but what did i expect? he never talked to me about her before, either.

i went to her funeral and i saw her body. it was not hers anymore. the hair had turned from fire to dirt. how, i wondered. but i knew.

the priest went on about rainbows and how to not be like her, how to accept god and never overdose on evil drugs. he did not know her. i imagined he had a piece of paper, scribbled with her name, a few words. “rainbows.” she loved rainbows, he said. it was then i took control of his body, not knowing i was doing so, made him say “the world is a bitch and i don’t care, all i want is her to come back.” he broke into tears then. collected himself. acted as if it hadn’t happened.

Peacock and i broke up a few weeks later.

It was the next spring that i moved into a room meant for Peacock. Swan entered my life again, and we entered some kind of holding pattern. i didn’t want her to leave. But she was still in a psycho-killer’s net. i couldn’t tell, nor could i care. she was the only one who held me in my grief, and that was all i really was.

i got bitten by a dog very soon after i moved into that room. i was very grateful to my roommate at the time, whom i had just met, and instead of freaking out or insisting i go to the hospital when they saw the dog bite, they just said ok and went back to bed.

on the other side of it my other roommate at the time, Stork, cornered me in the kitchen soon after i moved in to ask me if i was ok. i had been crying about my best friend, as i did excessively. i did not want to go into it, but Stork began to lecture me about how i needed to be ok or something, although i wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying, i was watching a crane fly hop around the kitchen floor, expectantly. Stork crushed the crane fly with his shoe, not seeming to notice. i made some noises that sounded like i would work on being ok and went back to my room.

my memories of this time are extremely muddled. i did not know a hunter was looking for me, the Muck Leech, or that he had already caught my scent. Had already entered my space. read my journals. read letters for me from my best friend. drawn on my walls.  yes, all literally. all almost a year before i met him.

Before i met Muck Leech (the psycho-killer, as in killer of psychos (me)) i had a dream about him (Swan had been telling me about him, and i’d seen his picture & some of his art). In it, he was a priestess of Ungit’s temple, with a long, flaxen wig and a heavily painted, masklike face. He told me he’d read a letter from my best friend to me. (i didn’t know this was true at the time of the dream.) “Be careful of myths,” he said in the dream. “They’re true.”

When i did meet Muck Leech, he manipulated my mind, and whatever friendship Swan and i were maintaining, he broke apart, slowly, painfully. i believe my friendship with Swan could have been good bc the limerence slowly faded, and eventually i knew it was just there in the first place bc Swan is a similar thing as me, like many others i know, however her pain was very, very great and i think i was drawn to that. i wanted to help her. she had been so badly hurt.

when i lived in the room i often listened to the guitar or the drums or the bass or all three, and it almost always put me to sleep. my next-room roommate was responsible for this music, however i did not know this as their bandmates’ (Stork and Stag) egos were pretty big & kind of made me think otherwise. Not Lynx, though, Lynx just played the drums really well. i never went to their shows bc no one ever told me when one was. i loved this music, however, and knew that my city needed it. i DID take it for granted, i did not examine the feeling.

and then there was TG. I will call her… Stoat. Her mouth moved all about. I met her in a cafe, and very soon after, she sat me down with a serious air and began to lecture me about how i needed to stop chasing after Peacock. Now i tried to assure her that this was the last thing possible that i wanted. But i was so flustered by her that it didn’t come out right. she patted my arm. i loved her then.

i knew then also many new people. i was grieving my best friend and wrapped myself gratefully in the circle of friends. i often spent time with Stoat, with Swan, Stork and Stag, & Chinchilla also.

i made a large painting drawing of myself, my animal self, and another person. i do not know still who this other person is, nor do i remember painting her, only that she looks very familiar and i have felt her comforting gaze for a long time.

I felt threatened by people who would come into my room and say it “used to be theirs.” i knew it was mine as soon as i entered it, i felt it.

Swan and Chinchilla & i started a band, we played at a speakeasy every week, it was wonderful.

Well except for Muck Leech. i accepted him as one of my friends, i felt affectionate towards him even as he was working to control me.

i did not know, having had a friend like my best friend, that i would not find that easily. i did not know the dangers of seeking that from that longing, finding other things instead, or having them find me.

I took a bottle of ambien under Muck Leech’s power, i went to the hospital with my father and my uncle.

when i returned he was angry, he tried to warn me and then he tried to fight me. my friends in my house did not listen to me. he wanted to hurt me.

i had bruises on my body and face from this encounter, still no one believed me. no one wanted to believe me.

i ran away.

near the end of my time there, i wrote this.

How long will you

hold back your own?

Sell your magic, break your bones

For some great mirror in the stone?

For years and years and years i’ve roamed

Searching for the mirror in the stone.

If an accurate longing

could bring me home,

Why i’d lift the souls from the statues,

From their clasping hands, and from carpets

who can fly, or cans

of coiled snakes.

Anything it takes.

But how could someone help me

If they sound just like my mother?

No one can protect me from their brother.

You follow someone’s face like a

mirror in the stone: she’s been here

Since the earth, here to hold, or to own

Build your secrecy on her out of touch

and brightness, spill your soul

The dripping-wet oil, atone

For any losses you have known

With the simplification of ashes on ashes

Longing stone for pain of bone

Each for the other’s.

Only the most comfortable same.

More, and it’s as if the other came

To break your fingers and your hold

On some great mirror in the stone.

Stop, you cry, and try to break your body

on the quay.

To be born was once the greatest thing

But one great mother took away

That longing for some other same.

That ocean in your name.

And so that someone, mother’s self,

And you, and broken, on the shelf,

And all your mirrors in the stone.

You’ll never be alone.