#creativeprocessdiet

[bengadams]

I began feeling aroused about it

Tuesday morning. Worked out at 5:15 a.m. again. All day yesterday I knew I wanted to work out again today, again at 5:15 a.m. I looked forward to it all day yesterday. But then in the evening, I got to feeling nervous about it again. I don't know exactly what I mean by 'nervous'. Maybe 'avoidant' is a better word. No, because I don't want to avoid it. Here's a better word -- 'aroused'. I began feeling aroused about it. As in, when I go to bed knowing that I can sleep in as late as I want the next morning, there's a certain feeling of, I can just completely let go and relax myself into this experience. But when I know the alarm is going to be calling me out of bed at 4:40 a.m., the entire vibe of bedtime is different. It feels more like, okay, let me rest here for a brief little moment before I get up to go attend this very satisfying early-early morning ritual. So I went to bed and had a dream about my book, The Creative Process Diet, in which I had a copy printed and shipped to me, and discovered that the printer had messed up the cover in all kinds of different ways. Things were out of alignment, some of the printed letters were handwritten, even the title itself had been changed. At 4:40 the alarm went off, and I wasn't thrilled to hear it, but I thought, well there it is. I stood up, got ready, and drove to CrossFit Dixie. I will admit that the moment when the alarm went off was an unpleasant moment, but it was all downhill from there. When I pulled into the CrossFit Dixie parking lot, I felt nervous as usual. I saw people in there moving around doing various things and thought, um okay . . . so where do I fit into all of this? Visually -- at the level of the retina -- it looks overwhelming, but I just walk into the middle of it, and it always works itself out. The person who is in charge always finds me, or I find that person, and everything flows. Today Stacey led the process, I met her last week and she is super nice like everyone else I have met there. By the end I am drenched in sweat and feeling amazing. I drove back to the house, and even right now at this very moment the sun has not yet come up. I'm going to be putting in my eight hours of work today, and I will finish in the early afternoon, which means I will have plenty of time to play video games, hang out, and enjoy the day.

[bengadams]

would someone like to come peel me off the floor?

I just got back from my first CrossFit workout. I feel amazing. I had a million things I wanted to say, but I put most of that energy into actually creating the blog. I only learned about CrossFit a few days ago. I was making a list of fitness blogs for the purpose of finding people who might be interested in writing about the book I published a few months ago, The Creative Process Diet. I started noticing people mentioning CrossFit . . . my curiosity was piqued. I started watching YouTube videos about it. I started asking people about it. I heard people refer to CrossFit as a cult . . . that only added to my curiosity and interest. Do you have any idea how deeply I want to feel like I belong to something? I've been lifting weights and doing cardio workouts off and on for several years now, and while I always enjoy working out and going to the gym, there is a loneliness about going to the gym and working out there on my own. I may have an occasional 'hello' here and there, but in general when I go to the gym I feel painfully alone. If anything I feel an unpleasant tension with others when I am at the gym: Is someone going to be on the machine I want to use? Stuff like that. Life in New York City is lonely enough as it is. I love the idea of doing something fitness-oriented that is also social. But before now I haven't been interested in classes. Most classes seem to put the majority of the emphasis on cardio. But CrossFit includes weight training, yet in a way that feels more human (compared to traditional weight training). The movements in CrossFit feel more human. I still don't know a lot about it, but what I do know is that I am already obsessed. That's what's annoying about people who get into CrossFit, right? They get obsessed with it and talk about it all the time. But what's wrong with that? I love it when people get turned on inside by something they're into, especially when it's something that is so good for the body and the soul. So I researched all the CrossFit locations in St. George, Utah (where I am staying with family for a few weeks, before I start my new job at Kings County Hospital in Brooklyn), and decided on CrossFit Dixie. I went there this morning and was greeted by the kindest man you'll ever meet, Kade Boyer. He said I could enroll in a three-session introductory course for $20 -- first class tonight (Monday), second class tomorrow (Tuesday), and third class on Thursday. I told him I'm heading back to NYC soon, and he assured me he would work out a prorated deal for me to work out while I'm in town. Everything about this felt right, so I signed up for the introductory sessions. I came back to my parents' house and worked for a few hours, and to be honest I started feeling really nervous about going in for my first workout. I was excited about it though, and kept telling myself, just show up and Kade will be there to walk me through the whole thing. I showed up at 7:30 p.m., and Kade said a couple other people had cancelled, so it was just me. I got a 1:1 training session and actually felt kind of guilty about how little I had paid for it. Kade showed me a few different things, and I was beginning to feel a little tired, and then he said we would soon start the workout part. What? I thought we were already working out! I didn't say that, of course, I just went with the flow. As I got into the workout I began to dig it. I liked feeling my body burn up a little bit. But then it started getting really intense. I had to stop and rest here and there, because I was getting very exhausted very quickly. I kept on at it, but it was a struggle. And to be honest, I have been craving a real physical struggle for several days now. Too much nervous energy and too many annoying negative and nihilistic thoughts. But once I was actually in that physical struggle in the CrossFit session, I wasn't craving it at all. I was fighting with myself to keep going, and I loved being in that fight and continuing on with it. It wasn't like life-or-death type intense, but it was intense. Kade encouraged me to stop and rest, get a drink of water, as often as I needed to. I did that, but I really wanted to push on, which I did . . . and then I finished. And then in the next few moments I began to feel kind of funny. I felt light headed. I felt high. I thought I might throw up, but I didn't. Kade was chatting with me, and I felt like I was mentally talking to him from some other planet. I felt really good. I pictured myself melting into a puddle on the ground. As I got into the car and drove home, I immediately decided I would start this blog. I'm not actually on the floor, and I don't need to be peeled off of it, but . . . I feel grounded. I feel serene. I feel worked out. I worked a lot of the crap out of me. I feel kind of an empty kind of ecstasy. I'm already kind of nervous about my next session tomorrow, but whatever. Just show up. Kade will be there to guide me through.