#crazy how Light was the ONLY person to have actually genuinely mourned for L

[astersofthesky]

this is too good to be hidden in the tags

something about light being so in love with L but only realising it after L's death makes me feel so miserable

[xiaolindude]

when does it stop // raijack ficlet

There’s a lot of uncertainty in Rai’s life at the moment. Not only is he directionless and lost without a cause, but now Jack Spicer is popping in and out of Rio as he pleases; Rai can’t help but wonder how and when this is all going to end.

---

“Is it just me or is it really fucking loud in here?!”

Raimundo is not, by nature, an anxious person. Sure, he’s insecure, uncertain about a lot of things, impatient, often over-dramatic… the list goes on, but anxious isn’t on there. It’s a rarity.

So this weird, uncomfortable buzzing surging through him right now (not to mention the associated nausea) is remarkably unfamiliar. So unfamiliar that it’s just making him feel worse, because what the hell is going on?!

His heart hammers, palms sweating; he feels his blood pounding wildly in his ears, notices the shake of his fingers and the way his entire body twitches with unused, nervous energy. What’s happening to him? He’s sick. He’s gotta be sick. He needs to sit down. Or maybe run, he can’t decide.

Jack just stares.

“Uh… no, it’s not that loud. Rai, are you—”

“It is loud. That overhead voice thingie?! What were they thinking, making that so loud? What, they wanna deafen people?” He mutters a few things in Portuguese, the words coming too fast, tripping over each other on their way out. “And there’s too many…” Too many other noises! Too many other people! Too many colours! Too much of everything. It’s like everything has been amplified ten times over and he’s starting to feel closed-in, trapped, stuck in this supermarket with Jack and too many strangers.

They’d only come out to stock up on junk food.

As if out of nowhere, there’s a hand on his arm and Rai whips around wildly, only to find Jack closer now and wearing a concerned frown.

“You’re being weird, Pedrosa. What’s happening? You okay…?”

Rai can’t answer. They’re exactly the questions he’s been asking himself.

His panic must show plainly on his face because Jack let’s his hand trace down his arm until their fingers are linked together and he gives Rai’s a squeeze.

“Alright, Wind Bag, let’s go. You can finish this freak out somewhere else.”

For now, Rai doesn’t have the presence of mind to argue. They leave empty-handed.

After the oppressive heat and noise and crowds of the supermarket, it’s a relief to be outside. He stands smaller than usual, huddled in on himself and trying to ignore his shortness of breath and the crazy rate of his heart beat. He watches Jack’s mouth open as if to speak, only for the other man to seemingly thing better of it and start walking in silence.

It doesn’t help. Rai wishes Jack would speak, just so he has something to distract him from the endless thoughts spiralling in his head. Where has all this come from?! One minute they’d been happily bickering over which chips to get and the next, Rai was suddenly thinking about stupid things like his direction in life and the choices he’d made and the very real possibility of Jack leaving Rio one day for the last time. Forever.

The thought has his throat sticking and something in his chest tightening like it’s been screwed up into a tight ball. It’s all weight and pointy edges and he doesn’t know how to shift it, and the more helpless he feels, the worse it gets, and the worse it gets, the more helpless he feels.

It’s awful. He can’t bring himself to voice any of this and he’s silent but twitchy as they walk, eyes darting all over the place and his hands shaking, even the one Jack is still holding.

It’s only when they’re back in the Airbnb and Jack is hanging up his jacket that something inside of Rai snaps.

“What’s happening?” he asks, mind too full-up to worry about the way his voice trembles.

Jack looks up and frowns at Raimundo like he might be crazy. “You tell me, man.”

That is entirely unhelpful and has Rai clenching his teeth. “I don’t know!” he blurts. “I don’t know anything!”

He stalks past Jack, goes to throw himself down on the couch but then thinks better of it. No, he needs to keep moving.  So he paces instead, staring unseeingly at some point in the distance and trying to push down the rising feeling of nausea.

The sun has gone behind heavy clouds and there’s no lights on; the place is quiet and dark, but Rai prefers it that way. Less overwhelming. Way better than the supermarket. Jack’s voice is quiet and careful, like he’s choosing his words deliberately, but it breaks the silence suddenly enough for Rai to jump a little.

“Sounds a lot like a panic attack from where I’m standing…” Jack’s voice almost sounds sympathetic.

What?! A panic attack?! He’s never had one of those in his life! Why now?!

Still, it’s good to have a label and a reason for what’s happening with him, plus it’s something he knows Jack has experienced a few times. He’d seen it at least once and had felt utterly helpless, unsure of what to do or say to help. But Jack’ll know what to do, right?

“I hate it. How do I… when does it stop?”

“… I don’t know? When it stops. I guess?” Rai glares; Jack just shrugs. “It depends.”

‘It depends’? He’s heard that one too many times for his liking. A lot of stuff seems to ‘depend’ these days. What if he asked Jack ‘hey, you keep leaving and I get why, but you’re always gonna come back, right?’ That’d be another ‘it depends’, he imagines. The thought worsens the sickness in his stomach, and he paces faster, practically frenzied as he lifts a hand to clench in his hair, panic throbbing through him and making his limbs ache.

“Just… jeez, breathe, Rai… Okay, can you just tell me what’s got you so worked up out of nowhere?”

Rai wants to get mad, but the look on Jack’s face is genuinely concerned. Caring. So he swallows, staring for a couple of moments before letting out a sharp sigh, shaking his head and resuming his pacing.

“Everything? I dunno. I don’t know where it came from but I feel like such shit. Like, dude, what am I doing? With my entire life, I mean? I was supposed to be a Xiaolin Dragon! But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t even go Heylin. I can’t… I keep trying and I can’t do shit! And now…?” He scoffs. There’s no need to finish that thought. Jack knows well enough how badly Rai is floundering these days.

“And you?” His tone is suddenly accusatory. “When are you gonna leave Rio and just not come back, huh?”

“’When’?! Like that’s a given?!” Jack actually has the nerve to look affronted; Rai glowers right back and there’s venom in his words as he spits them out.

“Would it be a surprise? You’ve done it before.”

Harsh, but true. If Rai wasn’t enough to stick around for five years ago, then he sure as hell isn’t now, when he’s completely devoid of purpose or direction. This is like round two for them – some insecure, bitter part of Rai has just been waiting for Jack to decide he’s had enough and take off again.

For a moment, Jack looks like Rai slapped him. “Did you really…” His voice rises in anger for a moment, only for him to cut himself off, take a breath and stride over to Raimundo, grabbing his arms and pulling him to a stop. Rai tugs back, resisting. “Will you just stop for a second? Fucking hell, Pedrosa, just stop. Stop.”

Finally, Rai does. He stares at Jack, face drained of all anger, and now? He just looks scared. And about 10 years younger.

Jack swallows. “I can’t promise anything. But you know I have no intention of leaving for good.”

It’s not enough. Rai winces, screwing his eyes shut for a moment and turning his head away. “You can’t promise anything, Jack, that’s exactly it. You can’t… give me a solid answer. And I get it, but I never know when I’m gonna see you again and I can’t…” He shakes his head, turning away completely so Jack doesn’t see the tears in his eyes.

This whole panic attack thing can kiss his ass. This is the worst.

“… I don’t know what to do.” His voice cracks; he hears it and it’s painful and pathetic.

There’s a moment of heavy stillness and then Jack’s hand is at his shoulder, turning Rai around to face him. Rai’s gone too far – he waits for Jack to yell at him, to argue against his accusations and answer back and maybe call Rai a name for good measure. What he is absolutely not prepared for is a very gentle, mournful look and to be pulled into a tight hug.

For a second, Rai is stiff in Jack’s arms, just processing what’s going on and trying to make sense of it all. It’s too easy, though, to melt into the embrace and he presses his face into Jack’s shoulder, arms winding round his neck. This lasts a while. They’re silent and still, except for Rai’s shaking and Jack’s hand easing up and down Rai’s back.

“This is a panic attack,” Jack eventually mutters into Raimundo’s hair, and his voice is about as gentle as Rai has ever heard it. “It sucks ass, I know, trust me. But it’ll pass.”

Rai doesn’t know what to say. He’s not even sure he could speak if he tried right then. Being held and comforted and listened to and taken seriously had always meant so much to him, but from Jack? It means so much more. He knows just how big a deal it is that Jack is being so tender with him.

He’s getting lost in his thoughts again – it’s too good, it’s going too well, he’ll want to leave soon, he’ll get bored – and the panic is bubbling up in his chest when he’s caught off-guard by the gentle press of lips against his head. He blinks in surprise, swallowing and nuzzling closer into Jack.

Saudades de você. “I… I just missed you.” Well. He had. Was that stupid? Pathetic? They were never even really together. But they’d loved each other, that much Rai was absolutely certain about.

“That’s pretty gay, Rai,” Jack murmurs playfully; Raimundo actually smiles at that. He feels Jack smile too, but doesn’t look up, not ready to pull away from the hug just yet. Not when it really does feel like Jack is physically holding the crumbling pieces together.

“Strictly off record,” Jack adds in a would-be-casual voice, voice still soft, “I missed you too. But don’t go blabbing and ruining my reputation.”

This actually makes Rai laugh, the sound more a breath than anything. It hits him that his breathing has calmed enough for him to be able to laugh like that and with this realisation, he notices that his heart rate and swirling thoughts have slowed too. He draws back a little so he can look at Jack, who lifts a hand and brushes his fingertips along Rai’s cheekbone. Rai leans into the touch, eyes closed, letting out a slow, shaking breath.

Jack waits for Rai’s eyes to open again before speaking. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

Rai swallows, gazing right back and nodding his head.

“… ‘kay…”

Despite it all, Rai can’t help but believe him.

One hand curled into a fist at the front of Jack’s shirt, he drags the other man in for a kiss that’s a thank you and a please and a cry for help and a plea to stay all in one, knowing that Jack will listen.

--

Rai doesn’t thank him until later.

They’re curled up in bed, legs tangled together and each lost in their own thoughts. Rai’s still shaken, but the worst has passed and he knows that Jack is to thank for that. His first panic attack was one of the worst things he’s felt in a long time and he’s unspeakably grateful that Jack was there to talk him down.

A strong, callused hand lifts, fingers brushing through Jack’s hair and kissing him slowly, easily, because dammit, all of this feels so good and natural. “… obrigado, meu querido,” he murmurs, nudging his nose against Jack’s and watching his eyes light up and his cheeks flush at the term of endearment. He knows how much Jack loved that. His arms wind around Rai; Rai settles in, thumb rubbing circles at Jack’s hip.

“Hmm… how do I say something cute and sappy, like ‘you’re welcome, my love?’” Jack asks, clearly in two minds – half teasing, half serious.

Rai laughs, ignoring the faint blush on his own cheeks and starting to talk Jack through the pronunciation. “C’mon, man, you know ‘meu amor’, I told you that one yesterday…”

If nothing else is certain in this moment – and it sure as hell isn’t - he at least knows Jack loves him. That’s enough.