#crazy how Light was the ONLY person to have actually genuinely mourned for L

[astersofthesky]

this is too good to be hidden in the tags

something about light being so in love with L but only realising it after L's death makes me feel so miserable

[xiaolindude]

when does it stop // raijack ficlet

There’s a lot of uncertainty in Rai’s life at the moment. Not only is he directionless and lost without a cause, but now Jack Spicer is popping in and out of Rio as he pleases; Rai can’t help but wonder how and when this is all going to end.

---

“Is it just me or is it really fucking loud in here?!”

Raimundo is not, by nature, an anxious person. Sure, he’s insecure, uncertain about a lot of things, impatient, often over-dramatic… the list goes on, but anxious isn’t on there. It’s a rarity.

So this weird, uncomfortable buzzing surging through him right now (not to mention the associated nausea) is remarkably unfamiliar. So unfamiliar that it’s just making him feel worse, because what the hell is going on?!

His heart hammers, palms sweating; he feels his blood pounding wildly in his ears, notices the shake of his fingers and the way his entire body twitches with unused, nervous energy. What’s happening to him? He’s sick. He’s gotta be sick. He needs to sit down. Or maybe run, he can’t decide.

Jack just stares.

“Uh… no, it’s not that loud. Rai, are you—”

“It is loud. That overhead voice thingie?! What were they thinking, making that so loud? What, they wanna deafen people?” He mutters a few things in Portuguese, the words coming too fast, tripping over each other on their way out. “And there’s too many…” Too many other noises! Too many other people! Too many colours! Too much of everything. It’s like everything has been amplified ten times over and he’s starting to feel closed-in, trapped, stuck in this supermarket with Jack and too many strangers.

They’d only come out to stock up on junk food.

As if out of nowhere, there’s a hand on his arm and Rai whips around wildly, only to find Jack closer now and wearing a concerned frown.

“You’re being weird, Pedrosa. What’s happening? You okay…?”

Rai can’t answer. They’re exactly the questions he’s been asking himself.

His panic must show plainly on his face because Jack let’s his hand trace down his arm until their fingers are linked together and he gives Rai’s a squeeze.

“Alright, Wind Bag, let’s go. You can finish this freak out somewhere else.”

For now, Rai doesn’t have the presence of mind to argue. They leave empty-handed.

After the oppressive heat and noise and crowds of the supermarket, it’s a relief to be outside. He stands smaller than usual, huddled in on himself and trying to ignore his shortness of breath and the crazy rate of his heart beat. He watches Jack’s mouth open as if to speak, only for the other man to seemingly thing better of it and start walking in silence.

It doesn’t help. Rai wishes Jack would speak, just so he has something to distract him from the endless thoughts spiralling in his head. Where has all this come from?! One minute they’d been happily bickering over which chips to get and the next, Rai was suddenly thinking about stupid things like his direction in life and the choices he’d made and the very real possibility of Jack leaving Rio one day for the last time. Forever.

The thought has his throat sticking and something in his chest tightening like it’s been screwed up into a tight ball. It’s all weight and pointy edges and he doesn’t know how to shift it, and the more helpless he feels, the worse it gets, and the worse it gets, the more helpless he feels.

It’s awful. He can’t bring himself to voice any of this and he’s silent but twitchy as they walk, eyes darting all over the place and his hands shaking, even the one Jack is still holding.

It’s only when they’re back in the Airbnb and Jack is hanging up his jacket that something inside of Rai snaps.

“What’s happening?” he asks, mind too full-up to worry about the way his voice trembles.

Jack looks up and frowns at Raimundo like he might be crazy. “You tell me, man.”

That is entirely unhelpful and has Rai clenching his teeth. “I don’t know!” he blurts. “I don’t know anything!”

He stalks past Jack, goes to throw himself down on the couch but then thinks better of it. No, he needs to keep moving.  So he paces instead, staring unseeingly at some point in the distance and trying to push down the rising feeling of nausea.

The sun has gone behind heavy clouds and there’s no lights on; the place is quiet and dark, but Rai prefers it that way. Less overwhelming. Way better than the supermarket. Jack’s voice is quiet and careful, like he’s choosing his words deliberately, but it breaks the silence suddenly enough for Rai to jump a little.

“Sounds a lot like a panic attack from where I’m standing…” Jack’s voice almost sounds sympathetic.

What?! A panic attack?! He’s never had one of those in his life! Why now?!

Still, it’s good to have a label and a reason for what’s happening with him, plus it’s something he knows Jack has experienced a few times. He’d seen it at least once and had felt utterly helpless, unsure of what to do or say to help. But Jack’ll know what to do, right?

“I hate it. How do I… when does it stop?”

“… I don’t know? When it stops. I guess?” Rai glares; Jack just shrugs. “It depends.”

‘It depends’? He’s heard that one too many times for his liking. A lot of stuff seems to ‘depend’ these days. What if he asked Jack ‘hey, you keep leaving and I get why, but you’re always gonna come back, right?’ That’d be another ‘it depends’, he imagines. The thought worsens the sickness in his stomach, and he paces faster, practically frenzied as he lifts a hand to clench in his hair, panic throbbing through him and making his limbs ache.

“Just… jeez, breathe, Rai… Okay, can you just tell me what’s got you so worked up out of nowhere?”

Rai wants to get mad, but the look on Jack’s face is genuinely concerned. Caring. So he swallows, staring for a couple of moments before letting out a sharp sigh, shaking his head and resuming his pacing.

“Everything? I dunno. I don’t know where it came from but I feel like such shit. Like, dude, what am I doing? With my entire life, I mean? I was supposed to be a Xiaolin Dragon! But I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t even go Heylin. I can’t… I keep trying and I can’t do shit! And now…?” He scoffs. There’s no need to finish that thought. Jack knows well enough how badly Rai is floundering these days.

“And you?” His tone is suddenly accusatory. “When are you gonna leave Rio and just not come back, huh?”

“’When’?! Like that’s a given?!” Jack actually has the nerve to look affronted; Rai glowers right back and there’s venom in his words as he spits them out.

“Would it be a surprise? You’ve done it before.”

Harsh, but true. If Rai wasn’t enough to stick around for five years ago, then he sure as hell isn’t now, when he’s completely devoid of purpose or direction. This is like round two for them – some insecure, bitter part of Rai has just been waiting for Jack to decide he’s had enough and take off again.

For a moment, Jack looks like Rai slapped him. “Did you really…” His voice rises in anger for a moment, only for him to cut himself off, take a breath and stride over to Raimundo, grabbing his arms and pulling him to a stop. Rai tugs back, resisting. “Will you just stop for a second? Fucking hell, Pedrosa, just stop. Stop.”

Finally, Rai does. He stares at Jack, face drained of all anger, and now? He just looks scared. And about 10 years younger.

Jack swallows. “I can’t promise anything. But you know I have no intention of leaving for good.”

It’s not enough. Rai winces, screwing his eyes shut for a moment and turning his head away. “You can’t promise anything, Jack, that’s exactly it. You can’t… give me a solid answer. And I get it, but I never know when I’m gonna see you again and I can’t…” He shakes his head, turning away completely so Jack doesn’t see the tears in his eyes.

This whole panic attack thing can kiss his ass. This is the worst.

“… I don’t know what to do.” His voice cracks; he hears it and it’s painful and pathetic.

There’s a moment of heavy stillness and then Jack’s hand is at his shoulder, turning Rai around to face him. Rai’s gone too far – he waits for Jack to yell at him, to argue against his accusations and answer back and maybe call Rai a name for good measure. What he is absolutely not prepared for is a very gentle, mournful look and to be pulled into a tight hug.

For a second, Rai is stiff in Jack’s arms, just processing what’s going on and trying to make sense of it all. It’s too easy, though, to melt into the embrace and he presses his face into Jack’s shoulder, arms winding round his neck. This lasts a while. They’re silent and still, except for Rai’s shaking and Jack’s hand easing up and down Rai’s back.

“This is a panic attack,” Jack eventually mutters into Raimundo’s hair, and his voice is about as gentle as Rai has ever heard it. “It sucks ass, I know, trust me. But it’ll pass.”

Rai doesn’t know what to say. He’s not even sure he could speak if he tried right then. Being held and comforted and listened to and taken seriously had always meant so much to him, but from Jack? It means so much more. He knows just how big a deal it is that Jack is being so tender with him.

He’s getting lost in his thoughts again – it’s too good, it’s going too well, he’ll want to leave soon, he’ll get bored – and the panic is bubbling up in his chest when he’s caught off-guard by the gentle press of lips against his head. He blinks in surprise, swallowing and nuzzling closer into Jack.

Saudades de você. “I… I just missed you.” Well. He had. Was that stupid? Pathetic? They were never even really together. But they’d loved each other, that much Rai was absolutely certain about.

“That’s pretty gay, Rai,” Jack murmurs playfully; Raimundo actually smiles at that. He feels Jack smile too, but doesn’t look up, not ready to pull away from the hug just yet. Not when it really does feel like Jack is physically holding the crumbling pieces together.

“Strictly off record,” Jack adds in a would-be-casual voice, voice still soft, “I missed you too. But don’t go blabbing and ruining my reputation.”

This actually makes Rai laugh, the sound more a breath than anything. It hits him that his breathing has calmed enough for him to be able to laugh like that and with this realisation, he notices that his heart rate and swirling thoughts have slowed too. He draws back a little so he can look at Jack, who lifts a hand and brushes his fingertips along Rai’s cheekbone. Rai leans into the touch, eyes closed, letting out a slow, shaking breath.

Jack waits for Rai’s eyes to open again before speaking. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

Rai swallows, gazing right back and nodding his head.

“… ‘kay…”

Despite it all, Rai can’t help but believe him.

One hand curled into a fist at the front of Jack’s shirt, he drags the other man in for a kiss that’s a thank you and a please and a cry for help and a plea to stay all in one, knowing that Jack will listen.

--

Rai doesn’t thank him until later.

They’re curled up in bed, legs tangled together and each lost in their own thoughts. Rai’s still shaken, but the worst has passed and he knows that Jack is to thank for that. His first panic attack was one of the worst things he’s felt in a long time and he’s unspeakably grateful that Jack was there to talk him down.

A strong, callused hand lifts, fingers brushing through Jack’s hair and kissing him slowly, easily, because dammit, all of this feels so good and natural. “… obrigado, meu querido,” he murmurs, nudging his nose against Jack’s and watching his eyes light up and his cheeks flush at the term of endearment. He knows how much Jack loved that. His arms wind around Rai; Rai settles in, thumb rubbing circles at Jack’s hip.

“Hmm… how do I say something cute and sappy, like ‘you’re welcome, my love?’” Jack asks, clearly in two minds – half teasing, half serious.

Rai laughs, ignoring the faint blush on his own cheeks and starting to talk Jack through the pronunciation. “C’mon, man, you know ‘meu amor’, I told you that one yesterday…”

If nothing else is certain in this moment – and it sure as hell isn’t - he at least knows Jack loves him. That’s enough.

[thejustknowing]

"I never said that"

The Truth You can't See.

This is my story and you are the first to see it.

"I Never Said that”

The Truth You can’t see Yet

He keeps telling you you’re being irrational and need to get help. He yells “Why are you trying to start a fight with me?” and slams the door. Your daughter is barely 2, and you find a hint of comfort knowing that she probably won’t remember this. He tells you he's moving out and taking your little girl because he needs so badly to start a manipulative argument. He says you take everything the wrong way. He calls you a victim and tells you it's all your fault. He makes false references about your own childhood to try to break you apart. He thinks he can still convince you of things about yourself that aren’t true, he wants to so bad. You can tell he truly misses those days. When he could gaslight you and play confusing mind games disguised as a conversation you 'think' you are having with your husband; about something real.

It's something wrong in your relationship that you actually want to fix, so you tirelessly try and try because you want things to be OK again. Over time though, this constant cycle sucks all of your energy and everything that is good out of you, but you don't know that yet. You feel broken hopeless and destroyed and you don’t understand why, but you eventually start to realize that something is very wrong. You must have missed something somewhere, this no longer even resembles an argument you would have in healthy relationship, probably not even in most unhealthy ones. It's irrational, it's confusing, it skips around from one thing to another, its fact twisting, it's blaming, it's accusing, it's getting another person's pain and problems thrown at you and piled up until you can’t breathe at all. At it's the worst, it's doubting your own perception of anything because of someone telling you that you're crazy over and over and over. He is starting to convince you that you remember things wrong, and saying that you make stuff up in your head. It's someone denying what they have said so many times that you can't be 100% sure of anything. Your trust in yourself is dwindling. You start to ask yourself "Who is this person in the mirror? It's being told that 'you' said what 'they' are denying having said, even though they said it to your face two minutes ago. It's being locked out of your house in the middle of January with shorts and a tank top on. It's being told you are a horrible person and nobody likes you. It's being told you can’t be trusted to do anything right and then getting guilt tripped because they have to do everything and you do nothing. It's having your baby used against you, it's being threatened to have your baby taken to a hotel by someone who is drunk because, "What you deserve is to be in a dark house with the power out, alone." It's being told that the cops are coming and it's because YOU are the actually the abuser and you are scaring them. It's real FEAR. It's slamming doors, sighs, silent treatments, and dirty looks. Its lies aimed to control how other people view you. It's an argument about money, laundry, what time the kids should be in bed, work, who left the lights on, a dropped dish, spilled milk, the way you said something, a choice you made. It's everything you do is wrong, and it's not Real. It's dealing with it, and on some level knowing, and saying nothing because you know it will make things worse. It's walking on eggshells every single day. It's downplaying your successes, it's really jealousy and deep resentment of your accomplishments, but you don't know that yet. You just aren't good enough, and that even what you thought was good about yourself isn't. Your strengths, talents and most admirable traits were the first thing he targeted, but you don't know that yet. The constant and unending ridicule and forever reminders of even the insignificant mistakes. You are careful never to make a real error in judgment or a bad decision because he will never stop reminding you. He will say "The truth hurts, doesn't it" He will exploit and expose any weakness or vulnerability you show him, he does not have the capacity to genuinely love, he has no regard for the feelings of other's. He is a victim when presented with any information suggesting he is at fault. He is a victim to control you and suck out your compassion even after he breaks you down for hours. He has a huge RED Flag, it's one of many you don't realize you missed yet. He is 100% incapable of admitting he did or said anything wrong. He cannot take responsibility, he only knows how to blame, twist and project. He is not capable of a genuine apology because 'You' are the problem and he is the victim. His personality makes him capable of one of the worst and most dangerous forms of abuse. You don't know it yet but you never did anything wrong, you were never the problem. You didn't deserve this.

It's slow and intentional and you can't understand it yet. You think this person loves you and would never try to hurt you. You are so wrong though, and if you don't figure it out soon you might never recover. How will you be a mom to this beautiful baby if you don't figure out what has changed in you? How do you get up for work and do your job that "the old you" used to excel and thrive at? How will you and be able to function much longer if you can't find your confidence and strength, 'your edge'. You don't know how to survive without the one thing about you you've always counted on when everything else was gone. But it's no use, it's not inside you anymore. It's gone. You ask yourself how could this happen? How could you have let this happen and not see it coming so you could stop it? You start researching and searching for something, anything to fix this. You'll one day be an expert on this type of personality disorder and the pattern of behavior that goes with it, but not yet. You've always been able to fix anything, but you can't fix this. You hit bottom, and you do the only thing left to do when you are truly helpless. You beg and pray to God and angels to help you. You can't get through this on your own, you beg for help and look up at the sky while tears roll down your face, and you cling to hope.

To your complete surprise the help does come, and it comes quickly, within days. The help sent to you is unfamiliar and strange, it's almost spiritual. It's an untraveled path of self-realization of how you ended up where you are. But this is no quick fix. You don't understand for a long time that there is no quick fix for this, and why. Help is sent in all different forms you couldn't see before, you start a sort of awakening. You start to see signs, coincidences, information, people appear in your life that seem to have been strategically placed there at just the right time. It’s truly amazing. But the dark realizations keep coming. As you put all the pieces together and start to truly understand what happened, you really hit the bottom. You'll see later that this is the only way to come back to life, but not yet. This is the lowest and darkest place there is. You could easily stay in that place forever. Getting yourself back to where you were, and who you used to be seems more and more impossible the more you come to terms with the reality of it all. There is nothing of what was. You can't even muster up the courage to ask for help because you are so ashamed of yourself and you are constantly blaming yourself for being so blind and so naive.

The worst is over now, but you don't know it yet. You are still just trying to survive. One thing you come to realize at rock bottom is that you have two choices, and that one of them is giving up and believe me it will be the obvious choice. It seems like the only way out, but it means giving up on your chance to be the Mommy your baby was meant to have, before all this. It means giving up on the "YOU" that you remember being your whole life. I know for an absolute fact that God, the Universe (undoubtabley both) showed me the ONE tiny glimmer of "the old me" that was left, and for good reason. They knew that giving up is something 'She' would NEVER choose. She would FIGHT and SEARCH and never stop until she found a way, just like she always had; with or without her edge.

So that's what I did, with no idea if it was even possible at all or if it would ever work. I spent two long and painful years of exploring, awakening and trusting in a plan I couldn’t even see yet. Then one day I started feel like me again; the NEW me. I’ll never forget the way I felt, it was like I had completely let go of control over anything and just let myself be guided by a higher power. It felt like freedom, it felt like light, it felt like love, for myself. The old ‘me’ was gone, and there was a period of mourning ‘her’ but eventually I came to accept it, and let her go. I hid this journey from every other person on the planet even those closest to me. I faked a smile, worked as hard as I could and hid the ugly, shameful truth. Out of the darkest place I began to emerge a new better version of myself, one I didn't know was inside of me. It turned out this whole experience was the start of a new phase of my soul's journey. I had a new purpose, and I understood the "Old Me" wasn't meant to travel with "Me" this far. So I left her behind and kept going. I understood the laws of attraction and the power to manifest strength where there is none. I now have faith, I realized my gifts, and amazingly I came back!

This is a story with a happy ending but there are remnants of it all that I carry with me. So much of 4 years of my life is still gone, my daughter is now five. There are huge parts of these years l still can't remember. I’ve found pictures of my daughter’s birthday parties and I don’t recognize the cake or the decorations or the event. When I try to remember, memories of the abuse like him taunting me because I asked for help while putting up streamers are what come back. I remember stepping down off a kitchen chair and just kneeling on the floor with my head in my hands crying on my daughter’s birthday, and hating myself for it. I remember sitting in my car crying on multiple Christmas Eve’s because he knew it was my favorite holiday and loved to make it miserable. I will continue to write In hopes of bringing back the precious memories of my little baby girl, memories still covered and buried by the painful ones that I unknowingly blocked. I am a survivor of a long encounter with a monster I could have never seen coming. They don't teach you about these kind of monsters growing up, even though ARE the REAL ones. They don't live under your bed, or in your dark scary attic at night. They don't wear scary masks, or have horns and sharp teeth. They look like whatever you want them to, they are the greatest of imposters. They look like love, infatuation and friendship. Sometimes they look like your parent. They are all the same, they have the same cruel games and tricks up their sleeve to break you. And trust me, if you think you are unbreakable or immune to this, think again. I was one of strongest, most confident, and intelligent woman I knew on my 30th birthday. I was successful, healthy and happy with where I was at in my life. I felt the best I ever had, my mom surprised me and flew out from NY to help me pick out my wedding dress that day. This nightmare started before I turned 32. I hope to someday be able to educate as many people as I can about narcissistic and emotional abuse. Woman and men both need to be able to recognize the hundreds of subtle little tactics that these people use to slowly destroy you. There ARE so many red flags and you can protect yourself, but only with knowledge and awareness of what this type of abuse is and how it happens. If this sounds anything like your life, know you are not alone and know that THIS IS YOUR SIGN. If this sounds like something you have never experienced, you were meant to see this so you never have to.