#cptsd is so wild because tonight I’m having like a good night but that feels so unsafe and scary that it’s hard to let myself feel happy

[butimnotseventeen]

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[dorksideoftheforce]

I had a dream about you last night where you kept popping up in my notifications and when I went to take a picture of the moon for you, I took a picture of the sky but then the moon was my face and I was like woah! So I took another picture and the moon was a waffle and I just sent you a poem about how it’s always brought me comfort, to know that you are out there on the other side of the moon. Even though you aren’t here anymore, you are and have always been with me - just like my love for you. I miss you and I’ll always be here for you if you ever need a friend in me.

It’s so funny to me because I made this song last night and I truly had no idea that the moon tonight is a Wolf Moon lol that’s my last name haha. I hope you think of me from time to time and it warms you up.

I finally got my date for starting EMDR and I’m so relieved, I could cry. I’ve lived with this stuff at the front of my mind for so long and I’m ready to move on with my life where I don’t feel like this stuff is actively happening. Like where everything that’s ever happened to me in life is actively happening. It’s been so debilitating and traumatic and I’m sorry for all the pain I ever caused you personally. You brought out the good in me and I just want to be everything I possibly can be in a better and healed way for my own self and show up in the best way I can too…best way = real. I had already healed from so, so much…it’s not like I haven’t. I started healing a long ass time ago but this was seriously something so massive, to me, and I had to face it and I’m sorry for all the harm I caused you cause I never, ever meant to. I want to be free from having CPTSD, from this trauma, from me without taking myself out of here. I promised Amber that I would do right by you when we were walking up those stairs at the funeral home and I held that promise for her and you in my heart. You weren’t just anybody to me; you were absolutely a soulmate of mine and I understand and accept that this had to happen because more than I love you, I respect you and value you as a person. I’d rather you trust me than to love me and your peace and freedom, I support you in all your efforts to get free. I’m doing my best to let all of this go so this is going to be the last post I make about you. I hope you can forgive me and that you heal too from all the pain I caused you too.

The poem that inspired that song I made is this one

I wholeheartedly understand that you can’t save people, all you can do is Love them. My grandma put her hands on my shoulders, looked me deeply in my eyes and told me that. I know we all have free will and people can do whatever they want. I accept this and this is how I honor you both. I also want to post the oracle card I got at the first of the year cause I asked what I can do to help me grow even more and I had already gone to do this; I just felt like it was important to let you know too.

53…5+3=8 which is strength and there was so much stuff that happened and keeps happening and it’s all so fucking wild like I am constantly mind blown like everyday. Like I have so many stories but since I’m about to start this therapy, I’m told that I need to write this stuff out because I’m not going to be the same after, like emotionally and that it’s good that I do this now, before. I can’t thank you both enough for all that you ever did for me because even after we broke up, you being there for everything, you truly were a light to me and I’m so grateful and thankful for you, Amanda. I will always love you for as long as I live. Forever and a day.