#cptsd game is strong

[cassandrasimplex]

Listen, when I say, as an abuse survivor, that Astarion's storyline is written with care, delicacy, and profound understanding: Since I completed it a few days ago, which I found incredibly cathartic and fulfilling due to points of commonality with the nature and causes of my CPTSD, I've been sleeping 7-8 hours a night straight through (instead of 3-5 at a time), my resting heart rate has dropped almost 10 beats per minute, I've had zero nightmares (based not just on what I remember but also on how much I move and talk in my sleep), and my fitness tracker wants to know what I've been doing different lately and whether I can keep it up.

I don't expect this change to be permanent or even long-lasting, but not even months of therapy at a time have ever had a positive effect so strong my tracker picked up on it. Not even when I was in crisis mode and only able to sleep 2 or 3 hours a day was therapy able to improve my sleep and my well-being so immediately. Astarion's storyline from finding Cazador's prisoners to the final confrontation, which took me a bit over an hour, did. If you want to count all the narrative build-up to that climax that gave it meaning, call it six weeks' investment for such a dramatic improvement.

The idea that trauma-aware roleplay can help people with PTSD and especially CPTSD find short-term peace and even a long-term improvement in overall functioning and mental health isn't new to me. I stumbled across it on my own, unguided, 30+ years ago. It's a bit newer to most therapists, but it's an approach used in experiential therapy and some related strategies and had been studied for much longer before its incorporation in such toolkits. But BG3 isn't being sold as therapy; it's being sold as a fun video game to play in one's free time.

The thing about CPTSD and recovery from abuse in general is that you have to practice new ways of reacting to the world. Therapies like cognitive behavior therapy focus on helping the patient replace old, maladaptive patterns of thinking that helped them survive a traumatic situation but hinder functioning in safer environments with intentionally-created ones that would have been too dangerous to practice in the traumatic environment but are healthier and more supportive outside it. These patterns have to be practiced, though; it's not enough to just correct yourself once with a more affirming statement and wait for results. You have to do it over and over until it becomes your new default. And results matter. If practicing the new behavior or thought results in the kind of negative outcome it would have prompted in the original abusive situation, the effect is that the old, maladaptive pattern is reinforced instead: "See? I knew acting that way would be too dangerous. I knew thinking that way would just be lying to myself. I already know what's best. The way I've always behaved in order to survive is what serves to keep me safe."

Which is why Astarion's storyline is both so effective and so astonishingly well done. Over and over, you get the chance to reassure him that your friendship is not merely a set of opportunistic transactions, that you don't want to control him, that you see him as a person rather than a puppet or a tool, that he can refuse to manage your feelings for you or even outright hurt your feelings without being "punished" for it. You can comment out loud to him when you catch him being manipulative and tell him that's not how your friendship works while still accepting and supporting him as a person, as a friend. You can make your friendship with him an environment completely opposite in nature to his relationship with his abuser. You can teach him -- and, if you need it, yourself -- what a safe environment looks like. And you can teach him that his abuser's behavior was successful in an environment created specifically to reserve all power for the abuser, but doesn't serve as well outside that situation, to encourage him to find healthier ways of dealing with the world than the ones that were modelled for him within that trauma. (Am I projecting? Of course I'm projecting; that's precisely what makes roleplay such an effective tool. It's a natural human tendency that can be used to advantage.)

And somewhere in your psyche, if you're a person who needs to hear all that as much as Astarion does, your mind is taking note: "How I thought the whole world works was wrong. Only that one little part of the world worked that way. The world is much bigger than the limited environment that hurt me. There are better ways to live and be." The parts of the brain where trauma plants its deepest roots can't tell the difference between play and reality, between past and present. They can't tell the difference between "I can make a safer environment for this person in front of me" and "I can go back in time and make a safer environment for the person I used to be." (That's why so many abuse survivors feel compelled to help other abuse survivors -- empathy, yes, and identification, but on a deeper level than that; we try to become the person who never showed up to help us.)

And if "this person in front of me" happens to be a fictional character, well, it can't really tell the difference between fiction and reality either -- especially when the fiction has a visible face and an audible voice and convincing expression in both.

I'm not in the slightest saying, "Go out and buy BG3 to fix yourself!" because using roleplay as therapy is far too highly personal and variable to expect consistent results from a script. There might be people whose trauma is reinforced by the same things that spoke so soothingly to mine. Larian is a video game company, not a therapist. But I can't get over the way a video game company for fuck's sake has created such a sensitive, tender, supportive story that it can even accidentally function this way. They didn't have to go so hard. They didn't have to lean so far into empathy. They didn't have to bring so much realism into it. They could have just told an interesting story. They did tell an interesting story -- but someone here decided they needed to tell it so well, so powerfully, that they were going to need to know exactly what living through events like those would do to a person, and how a friend would have to act to support that person in working toward happiness and health.

Well fucking done, Larian. Extremely well fucking done.

And although I can't reasonably expect the current effects to last, I can carry something lasting from here on; I can add "What would I say to Astarion right now?" to the list of questions I ask myself when triggered, when I realize I'm experiencing an implicit flashback. What would I say to Astarion? What would I say to a friend? What would I say to someone I care about who's been through the same things I have? What would I say to myself if I thought I deserved to be happy and free?

[littleguypumpkinsheep]

IHNMAIMS CAST RE-INTERPRETATION

Due to my visceral hatred of the game and the way they handled the characters, I’ve decided to re-write their stories a little bit! I’m using the book, comics, and radio drama as reference, and my own headcanons too for fun. This is all For Fun

Ellen

Things I’m Keeping

Born in Trenton, New Jersey

Computer scientist

3 degrees

Went to Stanford university 

Graduated high school early

Lived with her grandparents 

Hope in humanity

Self assured

Sympathetic

Rape survivor

Little to no interest in sex in general

Work driven

Career focused

Things I’m Changing

Black rights advocate

Queer rights advocate 

Feminist

Outspoken

Trans woman 

Lesbian

No interest in motherhood

Fell into a depression when her assault left her with chronic illness and pain

Has OCD

Character Notes

Highly distrustful of people. Kind and caring, but her concern for others is surface level. Struggles with the fear of men and violent intrusive thoughts. Favorite color is red. It calms her.

——

Ted

Things I’m Keeping

Born near Shelby, North Carolina

Grew up extremely poor

Lived on a farm

Interest in reading

Knack for mechanics and engineering

No traditional education, self taught

Studied intensively

Education focused

Grooming victim

Charming

Relied on his body for money

Philanthropist

Rich

Good sense of morals

Kindhearted

Things I’m Changing

Closeted bisexual

Not a con-artist

Not a racist

Not a womanizer

Has anxiety

Has a paranoid personality disorder

Touch adverse

Struggles with dermatillomania

Demisexual

Character Notes

Had always been paranoid and anxious even before AM, but it made his problems even worse. Struggles heavily with internalized homophobia, and gets visually uncomfortable when queer topics or people are discussed. Prideful and egotistical out of habit, but is deeply insecure in reality.

——

Gorrister

Things I’m Keeping

Born in the Midwest

Troublemaker as a child

Disrespect for authority 

Did poorly in school

Moves across states for work

Practically friendless

Has experience as a construction worker, electrician, mechanic, and a trucker

Interest in reading

Prefers to stay home and eat home-cooked meals

Wants to settle down

Divorced

Anti-war

Left-leaning political activist

Strong sense of morals and justice

Wanted a family

Things I’m Changing

Marriage with Glynis was not abusive

Did not strike his wife 

Divorced due to wanting different things out of life and overwhelming mental health issues

Bisexual

Queer rights activist 

Has depression

Has CPTSD

Born in Texas specifically

Struggles with alcoholism

Struggles with anger issues

Is an artist

Character Notes

Very deeply loved and adored his wife. He did everything he could for her, but it just wasn’t enough. Glynis’ worsening mental state became too much for either of them to handle, and Gorrister didn’t know what to do. Sending her to a mental hospital was a non-option, things got worse, and she commuted suicide. He blames himself for it every day of his life.

——

Nimdok

Things I’m Keeping

Born in Düsseldorf

Jewish parents

Went to medical school 

Apparent lack of compassion

Gay

Scientist

German

Has dementia

Had a partner in Brazil

The oldest of the group

Self assured

Logical

Things I’m Changing

Not a nazi 

Not decrepit 

Has early-onset dementia specifically

Not AM’s favorite

Low empathy

Low sympathy

Has a general disinterest in other people

AroAce

Struggles with schizophrenia 

Character Notes

While unable to sympathize or understand other people’s emotions, it wasn’t ever in his nature to be outright mean or cruel. Rather, his dementia is what caused the change in behavior. Sometimes he has moments of clarity, where his true nature can be seen for a few fleeting moments. Still retains his sharp scientific mind.

——

Benny

Things I’m Keeping

Gay

Professor

Good looking

Intelligent

Born somewhere in America

Strong willed

High perseverance

Self assured

Physically strong

Things I’m Changing

Had absolutely nothing to do with the military 

Did not have a wife

Is not needlessly mean or violent

Career driven

Focus in academics

Knows sign language

Struggles with chronic fatigue and pain

A softer man

Interest in nature and the outdoors 

Character Notes

Never one to start a fight or even anger much at all, Benny was laidback and easygoing. He had a calm life, and his personality was upbeat. Nothing ever seemed to bring him down. Not even his chronic illnesses, as frustrating and disheartening as they could be. In his free time he was somewhat of a survivalist. 

[charlotttte-427]

CW: Childhood Trauma, SA, CPTSD, Discussion of Art that depicts trauma.

Major Spoilers for Alice: Madness Returns

I've been thinking a lot about American McGee's Alice series and how much it seems to connect with me. It's hard to describe the odd relief I get from witnessing art that tries to decipher the chaos of childhood trauma -- particularly sexual trauma -- from a personal lens.

There's lots of media that contains this subject matter, but I rarely get the impression that the author actually understands it. Ignoring the writers who merely exploit the shock value of such an event for melodrama, I think it's rare because it takes a lot of self-reflection to comprehend the influence that such an experience has on you.

I feel like Alice: Madness Returns, in particular, spoke most profoundly to me because it managed to communicate through a coherent set of metaphors and allegories that somehow made sense to the way I remember the things that happened to me. It's not linear, sensical, or fully intelligible, but it is oddly comforting.

His reasoning is fascinating to me here. I've been struggling to think of a way to interact with my trauma in an artistic medium without somehow hurting myself more. His answer seems to be catharsis, which is something I hadn't really considered much before, but, ironically, I think it's part of the appeal that this had for me in the first place.

I imagine a lot of other people get a similar relief out of it due to that ineffable articulateness that seems to surround the game's subtle but strong depictions of very heavy subject matter. It walks the razor-thin tightrope between allusion and bluntness. And I think the catharsis is what makes it work.

I've seen plenty of art that deals with this kind of subject matter, but I think the thing that sets this piece apart is its catharsis. It's a grim comfort.

[strangeite]

OC-tober Day 1: Fav OC

To the surprise of no one who pays any attention to my tags, it's Izz/Candor lol. My changeling rogue/paladin (oath of the ambling rose, a homebrew sublcass by L. on itch.io, go check them out!), though I would like to adapt their story away from d&d eventually. Candor is one of Izz's Personas. My partner and I have been obsessing over them for 2 and a half years and we're still going strong ✌

More info about them under the read more 'cause I'm gonna be rambling.

So there's Candor. A tiefling paladin, an itinerant knight traveling to help those in need, whether those needs be big or small. A kind man, a good man. He has dedicated his life to the betterment of others. Almost too good to be true, really, a caricature, but he is earnest in his beliefs and his purpose.

All of that is true. But it is not the whole truth.

Izz was stolen from their birth family as a very young child and placed with a changeling "family". They were trained as an assassin and information thief/spy, with the ultimate goal of taking on the family's legacy Persona of renowned assassin/spy Varna Shadowhawk.

This was not a pleasant process. They were extremely isolated, and their training was rigorous and intense, even more so as it became evident that Izz was quite talented and they were put under further pressure to aim for perfection. They also developed other Personas, full people separate from themself with their own memories, a tactic meant to ensure information could be kept secret between identities as well as have specialized skill sets.

Now, I think that changelings are naturally inclined towards plurality and it's generally totally normal and healthy. In this situation, however, their mind was purposefully broken down to be able to have more complete separation and to prepare for the insertion of the Varna identity, which resulted in both an unhealthy system and an unstable psyche. They effectively have fantasy-enhanced DID and also experience psychosis (usually triggered by stress or by forcing switches between Personas or reaching for information or skills of another Persona without switching). Part of their long term story and character development is working on getting their system to a more healthy place where they can cooperate with their other Personas, and finding happiness and support as they continue to live with psychosis (and CPTSD).

Varna, btw, was a her own whole separate person at one point. How did she become an inherited changeling Persona? Why? Dunno. We never learned in the game before it dissolved, and my partner and I haven't come up with the specifics yet on our own. I can tell you that the process of inserting her into a new changeling involves a necromantic ritual where the changeling is killed and a portion of Varna's soul is placed in them before they're resurrected :) From then on it's a slow process of her presence growing and subsuming the other Personas and then eventually the changeling themself, becoming the Singularity. It's fine, don't worry about it.

Now Izz was all set on this path, forged into a ready vessel and living weapon. They didn't know any other way...but there was one small hiccup. One of their other Personas, Karim, a survivalist and cartographer, while out in the woods one day ran into a man named Veylan. A paladin and do-gooder, with an oath to travel wherever help is needed. And, surprisingly, they hit it off. And they keep running into each other, over the years. Karim learns about this crazy thing called "morals." Compassion. Caring for others. Veylan, so often alone on the road and apart from others even as his life's mission is to help them, finds a friend.

And one day Izz gets a glimpse of him through Karim's memories. Curious, they dive, rooting through their past interactions. And it's like the world opens up to them. A way to exist they had never conceived of. They become obsessed, and terrified, hoarding the memories that are not theirs but keeping them hidden and buried, knowing the punishment from their guardians if they found out would be swift and brutal, and Veylan would be in danger. But the thoughts of another life linger and grow. Especially as their younger adopted sibling, Yan, nears the time when the ritual will be performed. They have no concrete plan, but... what if they could get out. What if they could get Yan out, before they're cursed with Varna's soul.

Their older sibling, Ged, finds out. They find the barn where Karim will next meet Veylan. And, wearing Karim's face to get close, they kill him. Karim shows up and finds his friend dead, his own face above the body. Izz sees the death of their god. And in a fugue state of grief and rage, they kill their sibling. They take Veylan's holy symbol and armor. They take his face. They should not have been to walk out of here alive, so they don't. They make Candor in Veylan's image, and he walks away instead, knowing nothing of Izz or any past beyond his own hazy, half-formed memories and a desire to do good.

[human-artificer]

A little bit about my Tav

Name - Artifice (Non-Durge)

Race - Zariel Tiefling, large stature but not particularly strong.

Pronouns - They/Them

Sexuality - Panromantic Asexual, Demisexual

Class - College of lore Bard

Preferred Instrument - Lute & Voice

Age - I have no thought about this 🙈 they’re not a kid

Personality - Neurodivergent, people pleaser that likes keeping small things. Difficulty keeping track of faces (including their own) and remembering names. Struggles with body dysmorphia from extensive scarring and identity. Has a sketchbook journals to keep track of things as well as illustrated calm their nerves. Usually masking and as a result has very few friends or social experiences, most fond connections are parent/teacher roles. Extremely vocal about things they find unjust to their peers even when it causes them harm. Struggles with CPTSD.

Education - Extensive schooling, ward of school system under wealthy donor for good PR until new younger ward was chosen.

Before events in BG3 - Homeless and bar hopping in Baldur’s Gate. Has been attempting to weasel in some type of residency as a performer.

Family - Main family deceased with village in a goblin raid, leaving them mangled. No information about extended family as they were too young to have retained that information when they were orphaned.

Romance - Astarion (this was an accident, was not sure when I started the game now we’re in too deep).

Closest Friends Pre kidnapping - Thomas C. Quirkilious, owner of Chromatic Scale. Allowed Artifice to intern there.

Closet Friends during BG3 - Tia (Dragonborn Druid), Tiriana (Drow Paladin of Selune), Astarion, Lae’zel, Wyll & Alfira. Sees Karlach & Tiriana as older siblings, Wyll as a brother and teacher. Neutral/Indifferent to Halsin & Gale. Complex neutral relationship with Shadowheart.

Sees Omeluum & Blurg as distant uncles that always have something interesting to say when they finally visit.

Short lived but important connection with Bernard of Arcane Towers, wishes to revisit the underdark & myconids colony.

Confused by Elminster.

Passive aggressive friendship with Volo.

Spiteful and childish towards Mizora.

Has CPTSD situations with most larger animals but is being helped by Tia with their Druidic connection to nature.

Plans for if they survive - Get Astarion a cat, host parties with Tia, repair someone. TBA

[nerves-nebula]

You might've awnsered this before, but do you think any of the brothers would dissociate?

Yea I’m pretty sure I said they all dissociate hah, comes with the cptsd. Raph dissociates the most and has the most lost time/memories. A lotta depersonalization and retreating/being forced into the back of his mind. Kinda scary but he’s the strong brother so he doesn’t talk about it much.

I think Leo and Donnie de-realize a lot too. Like they’re there but their body doesn’t feel right and their surroundings are just a little too… nothing. Their hands aren’t their own. Everything is so dull.

Mikey dissociates but also kind of intentionally detaches himself from his surroundings and intentionally ignores things like his brothers fighting or his dad yelling in favor of thinking about his daydreams. The result is that he also just kind of doesn’t always know where he is or what he’s doing but idk if you can count that as dissociation. To be honest I never really figured out what exactly you’d call that.

As a fun game you can guess which parts of these I’ve experienced personally and which I’ve only read or heard other experiences of.

[sincerelystesichorus]

astarion, anne carson, & autobiography of red - small character study blurb

In which I've written 40k words of Astarion character analysis fanfiction and I'm definitely still normal.

Astarion used to be blue, but ever since that night two centuries ago, he was reborn red. And he had spent at least the past century thinking that red was irreplaceable. It was – red, it was in his blood and the little blood Cazador would let him wring from rats, corroded and stained. His very life force. He was Cazador’s, his spawn, his jewel, his ruby. There was no cure for red. Not until you became the successful means to an end. He had been sure of it. Being red wasn’t good. It made everyone who wasn’t red, and that felt like most everyone, stare at you like you put off a certain aura… like they knew you were a monster that could only act off of instinct and emotion. And it was so frustrating, because parts of Astarion were blue still, knew what was better, but they were nothing in comparison to the suffocation of red. The emotions, and especially anger, fear, came on so strong. It was hard not to act on them, to test out what the boundaries of pure action were. Astarion knew the color and impulse all too well.

I expand way more on the idea of people as colors within my writing than Autobiography of Red does, where Geryon is the only one who is red. This further pushes Geryon's feelings of being separated from humanity in his narrative, but there's a lot of inherent evil and fucked up things within Faerun so I felt expanding on colors and specifically shades/hues was a better way to communicate this for Astarion.

Geryon's red is tied very instinctually to emotion though, and so representing red as a chaotic force of emotion in my fic didn't feel like too far a step. I took a lot of inspiration from Magic: the Gathering's color pie lol. While you never get an exact description of what's wrong with Geryon, you get a lot of the symptoms, reminiscent of some sort of innate childhood mental illness, on top of the obvious trauma present in his story.

Back to Astarion, though. I've just never not been able to code him with CPTSD, I think that's obvious, but I also know that poor bastard has a personality disorder skffkjdf. The game always hammers in he has no sense of self outside of his looks, which he can't even be sure of because he can't see himself. Astarion has to work his confidence and self-image off of memories of his body and face from two centuries ago, and from his master's word. Cazador has assigned him to this seduction role (or, I feel its at least implied that Astarion was ultimately forced into it because he was seen as the Szarr runt, he was pretty and easy to push around, and I'm also pretty sure Petras has a line about getting to eat dogs now and then?) and Astarion fulfills it because it's all he can do. All he feels good for. His actions aren't his own for two hundred years, and in a morbid way of coping with constant sexual trauma, he functions off of "Well, at least I'm pretty," but even that assumption comes from Cazador's rule.

Astarion had decided he was mostly pure red, splashes of black and blue coming in, bright and visible. The remnants of his past and an even deeper level of Cazador’s corruption, bruising his psyche.

Carson is again sparing with other color imagery as to fully emphasize Geryon feeling like this big red monster, but I love this little excerpt on fearful anger.

Black/shadow is already a strong force and theme within the game so it was easy to work with, acknowledging it as a sort of staining evil. Astrion has his later lines about how he never stopped viewing himself as Cazador's slave, and I think showing that corruption is obviously important. He's hurt but can still heal (as opposed to an ascended Astarion... who I have little if any hope for sdfkjdskf).

Cazador had spent the last two centuries branding it into his skin and mind, breaking his psyche to the point Astarion was worried there’d always be little cracks that remained. That he’d always be Cazador’s wilted poppy, ashamed and folding in on himself, his neck miserably drooped aside for the taking. 

Cazador is Astarion's Herakles, and I think that metaphor works even better considering that whole little side lore with Vellioth in the ruins. Herakles kills Geryon because he must, Geryon is a way for Herakles to ultimately reach a life free of consequence, but it's not like Herakles is innately malicious in the act. He is hardened after already facing so many labors and the trauma that was forced on him by Hera that induced his journey in the first place.

Cazador wants power, some part of him is probably truly convinced he's easier on his spawn than Vellioth was to him (a lot of insults to Astarion are about his feelings and "whining", Cazador feels vindicated in his trauma and is far gone), and sacrificing Astarion is simply a part of that journey. There is no world where their destinies do not intertwine. Geryon will always be pierced by Herakles, and Astarion wouldn't be the Astarion we know without being pierced by Cazador (and without his ultimate decision to finally separate himself from him, or to become him.) Astarion, understandably, will never not feel some sort of shame or agony over this moment, from natural emotions and I'm sure years of Cazador victim-blaming him. He consented to Cazador's help that night after all, didn't he? (And we simply won't acknowledge the coercion.)

Astarion’s attempts to prolong the inevitable were shattered by thick layers of stone suddenly slamming in front of his face, muffling sound and casting him into a void. He could hardly hear Cazador’s foul laugh as he departed. Astarion waited all night for Cazador to return. And then all of the next day, and the next one after that. Days became weeks. Weeks became months. Astarion started to agree that dying would have been easier. More peaceful. He had pondered hundreds of ways to attempt to kill himself while stuck in this abyss, the voices that had started developing only giving further inspiration, but it was impossible. He was sure.  All he could do was wait. Beat and claw at the stone around him. Curse. Repeat. Sometimes he'd wonder. If he'd ever get out of here. If Cazador would remember after forgetting. If this would be his forever. The voices began to recite to him again. Just how long eternity can be.

I think this is the greatest and most obvious similarity between these two, within Carson's retelling. Geryon feels somehow trapped and doomed by the narrative from his early childhood, and receives some blunt confirmation of it when he faces early sexual abuse. This affects his entire life, his early relationships. Geryon can't be older than ten in this excerpt, but knows the pain of isolation because of his trauma and for feeling different.

Astarion was plucked up by Cazador right out of law school. While for us it's not all that young, for elves he was fiercely immature, basically just starting to come into himself at his first big-boy job. Astarion was likely raised with a lot of privilege that also made him a bit more naive, his book smarts not meeting street smarts, which has him meet his end. In his undeath, that basically flips, Astarion plays his manipulation games and indulges in petty crime and seduction, unable to dedicate himself to studies. He reads and he's witty, but can you imagine the Astarion we know as a judge? It's giving Divorce Court. It's giving Judge Judy. (Honestly maybe that's what got him whacked in the first place.)

Astarion is already constrained to what Cazador lets him be as a slave. He's less than a person, and his own body is one of his greatest trauma sources.

All of this, to be punished so supremely when making an act of slight self-preservation. Astarion wanting to maintain some of his principles and let someone go. It becomes his greatest regret, his worst and most defining punishment. It's how Cazador breaks him.

I restructure some of the circumstances within my fic, as to better tie in the main romance, but it still functions as a punished act of self-preservation for Astarion. I'm also sure most people are familiar with the pain that solitary confinement can bring, but if not, it's genuinely inhumane and dehumanizing. Lack of stimulation is extremely damaging to the psyche, I wrote in Astarion breaking into psychotic episodes while enclosed, but even in game, he speaks about going catatonic. I'm sure minorly from exhaustion after fighting, but also from the isolation. His mind likely just drifted and dissociated beyond belief, and I can't imagine it. This is my favorite piece of Astarion's story we are given, it really is just so pivotal and heartbreaking, to be punished for having freewill in the most objectifying circumstances.

In summary to Astarion Ancunin I just sorta feel like this I guess...

ddfsdfdk but yeah just emo about my poor boy feeling so weird and disconnected yet so drowned in his own emotions you know...

[my homage to autobiography of red, fic series page, my ao3 page]

[edwinspaynes]

In ur HC, what novels and fandoms would AU Modern day, Historical TSC be into rn?

Follow up, if each of them had a Tumblr , what would their blogs about be and why?

I'm just going to do my favourite characters, hope that's alright!

MATTHEW

Tumblr handle: @/wilde-wanderer. He posts travel content and dog pics a lot, and there's a lot of crossover with his travel Instagram. He also is in the Oscar Wilde fandom for sure and posts a ton of Ben Barnes thirst traps (@belle-keys, thinking of you).

5 books he'd love, because he's a romance and fantasy lover like me (queer books are blue):

The Charm of Magpies seriously. It's got Wildean weird vibes and also is just genuinely an oddball series unlike any other.

Don't Want You Like a Best Friend by Emma Alban (this is NEW btw and incredibly good, an immediate favourite

By Any Other Name by Erin Cotter

The Adventures of Amina Al-Sirafi by Shannon Chakraborty

The Carnivale of Curiousities by Aimee Gibbs

ALASTAIR

If he had Tumblr, I think his handle would be @/grumpycatcarstairs. But he'd post minimally and just let it sit and sit forever. Periodically, Thomas would remind him it exists. He'd just post aesthetic paintings and cPTSD content.

5 books he'd love, because he likes mysteries and philosophical works that make him think:

The Six of Crows duology by Leigh Bardugo

The Scythe trilogy by Neal Shusterman

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

The Sins of the Cities series by KJ Charles

Not really modern, but after his time. I think Maurice by EM Forster would hit him hard in the solar plexus.

THOMAS

His handle is @/thomas-the-tree. He's a pretty active Tumblrina and he posts a lot of his own content, mostly aesthetics and moodboards. Maybe some stimboards ala @caterpillarstims. He also posts a lot of positivity for people with mental illness.

5 books he'd love because he loves both action and comfort literature:

The Sum of All Kisses by Julia Quinn

Two Rogues Make a Right by Cat Sebastian

The Heartstopper comics by Alice Oseman

A Lady for a Duke by Alexis Hall

Stalking Jack the Ripper series by Kerri Maniscalco

CORDELIA

I am of the strong belief that her handle would be @/kickitwithcordy and she'd have a sideblog for Cortana pics called @/kickitwithcortana. She and Alastair would also have a joint blog called @/kickitwiththecarstairs, but it's mostly on YouTube and they just have gossip videos. There's a full one where they roast Matthew's famous travel Insta.

5 books she'd love about kickass women:

Girl, Serpent, Thorn by Melissa Bashardoust

A Stitch in Time by Kelley Armstrong

The Divine Rivals duology by Rebecca Ross

Innocent Traitor by Alison Weir

The Rhapsodic series by Laura Thalassa

James, of course, always reads them aloud to her even when they're not to his personal taste. <3

[arzen9]

✨ writing interview tag game!!! ✨

Thank you @nerdallwritey for tagging me in this, yay!! I love talking about writing lol. Mind you, I'm not a fic writer, but I DO have an MFA in Creative Writing, and I did JUST start writing my first novel after BG3 came into my life & basically jump-started my healing journey. It is in fact a literary fiction vampire novel, ahem ahem. Here we go!

When did you start writing?

I learned how to write when I was seven just like most people I guess, and started with little poems or stories as I had always loved reading and wanted to imitate what the writers I loved were doing. That is still good advice to anyone who wants to become a writer- to start by imitating (not copying!) the style of those who you enjoy reading. Whenever I wrote something for a school assignment my teachers would compliment them, and child me definitely needed the encouragement lol. So I started very young, and the passion for writing never went away.

Are there different themes or genres that you enjoy reading than what you write?

Big YES. I read the themes and genres I write about as well, but I also enjoy reading differently because I think it improves my writing. Even if it didn't though, I truly enjoy reading different genres. For example, I don't write romance but I do enjoy reading it.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I don't know if I want to be compared to them necessarily, but I do have lots of writers that inspire me: Toni Morrison, Harper Lee, Flannery O'Connor, and Gillian Flynn are some I have off the top of my head.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I live in a very small studio apartment with my boyfriend (we even call it a hamster wheel lol) so I don't really have a space per se, but I do like doing a few things to get in the writing mood. A nice candle, some nice music. I have playlists for every different writing idea that I work on whether it be a short story or something else. My biggest dream is something I wrote to get adapted into a movie or a TV show so I tend to imagine scenes and pick out songs for those so-called scenes. Place doesn't really matter for me, in the sense of where I write- as long as I have a strong idea and some music to back it up.

What's your most effective way to muster up a muse?

More professional writers don't really believe in inspiration, they believe in sitting down and getting to work, but I'm not one of them unfortunately lol. Writing without the strike of inspiration is difficult for me, and forcing that inspiration even more so. However, it can strike anytime, anywhere. My notes app is FILLED to the brim with one-liners that came to me at 3 AM.

are there any recurring themes in your writing? do they surprise you?

YES, and they don't really surprise me because they are semi-intentional. I like working with the struggles of minority groups (the LGBTQIA+ community specifically), difficult relationship dynamics especially when it comes to dysfunctional mothers and daughters, and metaphors for love (vampirism is probably the biggest one). I also write a lot about trauma.

what is your reason for writing?

Sappy answer incoming! I had a very difficult childhood (I have CPTSD thanks to it yay me) and my only escape was reading, reading and reading. Once I realized I needed to start dreaming about a future career I immediately decided I wanted to become a writer, because the words of the writers I love literally saved my life, and I want to be able to do that for other people.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Any feedback or piece of constructive criticism is more than helpful. Just knowing someone read something I wrote, spent time on it and engaged with it makes my heart flutter.

how do you want to be thought about by your readers?

As someone relatable, above all. Or someone who wants to help.

what do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I'm pretty good at approaching difficult subject matter in a way what one of my professors called "cool to the touch". I don't like sentimentality and I'm usually pretty good at avoiding it in my writing. I write about difficult, borderline dark themes with flawed characters and I think that requires a particular way of writing to get right. I'd like to think that I'm pretty good at that!

how do you feel about your own writing?

I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but I believe that I'm a good writer. I've never had another dream in my life than to become a writer, it has always been everything to me, so it was never just a hobby- it's all consuming lol. And I like it that way!

when you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

I guess I'd say it's more for myself- I of course want people to enjoy my writing but I won't change the way I write just for that reason. I write so that people will read my stuff, but the writing itself is never too influenced by trends or anything like that. On top of that, I know that my stuff can be difficult to read, and I tend to enjoy that part of my writing.

I don't really have anyone to tag, so anyone who sees this and wants to join in is more than welcome!

[cryptid-husband]

spoilers for doki doki literature club ahead!

Tw/cw for mentions of sh and suicide/everything ddlc needs a warning for! Please stay safe :)

i just finished my first playthrough of ddlc yesterday, and I just wanted to say how well it's done. It's a really great example of how the form of media a story is being told through can make or break storytelling; the horror of ddlc is only really possible as a game. Yuri and Sayori are ironically really good representations of certain mental illnesses, and your character's reaction to Sayori's death is also very well done. The guilt you'd feel in real life is well represented, and to really hit you hard, it adds on a reminder that you're playing a game of choices; theoretically, you should've been able to prevent this (even though you can't). Yuri's self harming behaviors and obsession tying into each other reminds me a lot of my OCD and how certain anxiety triggers can in turn trigger sh urges, even if I don't exactly feel anxious (but rather some sort of other strong emotion). The fact that after Monika messes with her a lot, any strong emotions or thoughts are completely too much for her is also very relatable as someone with sensory issues who's also very emotional. So even if it was unintentional, Yuri ends up becoming a good (albeit obviously very exaggerated/intense) example of autistic, OCD/anxiety, and depressive traits, along with some borderline personality disorder or CPTSD traits being exhibited. I unfortunately don't have much to say about Natsuki as of now, as I don't remember her route very well and I chose Yuri's route during my playthrough since her and Sayori have always been my favourites.

Anyway, even without all of that, I really do think it's a great psychological horror game and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and why it's so effective. As a horror fan and someone interested in the possibility of making my own stories, it's a really interesting case study for me while also being enjoyable as a horror experience! It might end up becoming a hyperfixation for a while, so I do apologize in advance for that hehe

[newhologram]

10 whole years ago, Cleo died and my world came crashing down. My mental and physical health tanked, with 6 new diagnoses within a year. I dropped out of acting class, and auditions and set work came to a screeching halt for a while. For years, it took me hours each day to get out of bed. I had to navigate disability and illness in young adulthood alone, with those closest to me telling me what a burden I was because I was too sick to work full time and move out. So I forced myself to work multiple jobs even when I was in and out of the ER and constant appointments (like I still am today) when I really should've been resting and taking care of my body. I was in constant burn-out, throwing up in secret at work, because the feeling of shame and being a useless loser being put upon me was so great, I felt like if I didn't "earn" being alive, that I shouldn't be alive at all. I felt completely worthless.

I almost didn’t survive the past 10 years. But I did, and I don’t think any of it made me “stronger." But it did teach me a lot that I'm glad I can use to help others. I'm proud of how far I've come and I like the person I've become. But I don't think suffering in isolation like that or enduring abuse is necessary to make us strong; we should be there for each other, not turning away from another's suffering out of discomfort (that's selective empathy and it kills). This path was like being put through a spiritual meat grinder and it forced me to make a lot of “cuts” to who is allowed access to me. It showed me what my family really thinks of me and which friends were real friends. 4 years ago, on the 6th anniversary of Cleo's death, I brought Ashley and Maxwell home. It was a beautiful way to bring things full circle and that feeling is even stronger now. It's hard to reconcile that 10 years went by because I couldn't see myself living past my 20's in this same sort of situation: at home, disabled, too sick to follow my dreams. I feel like a ghost, or a misplaced collection of memories put into a body and a life that I can't always identify with. Especially after last year, with over a hundred appointments, so many tests, and being monitored for multiple different kinds of cancer while on ketamine therapy... That was a new sort of trauma that has given me a strange mixed sense of numbness and freedom. Somehow I've come back around to a piece of myself that was lost in trying to be "something" or "not a waste/burden" 10 years ago, when this started. Now I can just be. There will always be more that I want to do with myself in this world, dreams that I want to make real, creative ambitions to fulfill. There is so much medical care I need but can't access in this broken country. For me, there will always be depressive or CPTSD relapses to recover from, agonizing chronic illness flare-ups to manage, new medications to try. But ultimately, happiness is simple. It's sitting here on a rainy morning with Maxwell asleep next to me and Ashley running around with her favorite toy. It's taking a nap after editing videos or enduring stressful doctor appointments. It's long baths to help with the pain and playing video games after. The only thing to do is to live. There is no "wasting" when you're having fun, even with these apparent "little things." I'm grateful to Cleo for her love, and for the things I learned losing her as well as losing Opie and Jeremy. I'm grateful to Blue, Ashley, and Maxwell for teaching me again, or maybe for the first time, the simple contentedness of just being alive.

[2004angels]

Rant about cptsd

cptsd has ruined my life brah. I want to live. I want to live without the constant torture of my own brain. There’s nothing more I wish for than to be released from the captivity of the never ending punishment I jail myself to. Just because it’s what feels the safest. To torture myself? Just so that an imagined version of a person of my past will be satisfied? It’s ridiculous. How can I still, 6 years later, at 19 years old, STILL feel an undying need to make sure she knows I’ll let her ruin me just to prove my love for her.

We don’t know each other anymore. I don’t even fear her anymore. All I have left to fear is my own head. My own psyche. What’s left of that time. I don’t fear her. I fear what she has done to me, what she and my own psyche has done to me. What this illness has accomplished.

I trust nothing no more. Not even myself. It’s not even people I don’t trust. It’s my reality. I know my friends wouldn’t do horrible things to me. They probably wouldn’t reject me if I asked for something. But in the reality I live in inside my head, they always do and they always will.

They do not want to visit me. They only came to my graduation because they felt forced to. They only spend time with me because they feel bad.

Yet I know they probably mean the sweet things they tell me when I’m hurting. But my head forgets. I forget. Because while it means the world to me the fear is so great, all too great. I don’t feel safe enough yet.

I just want to feel safe. I just want to feel protected again. Whole again. Certain, that what I’m living is real, consistent, solid.

I know I’m not different. I know there’s nothing wrong with me that makes me different from other people. I’m just like everyone else.

My emotions matter and my needs do to. My friends care about my emotions and my needs. They want to see me happy, they want me well.

Do my emotions and needs matter to me though? Do I care?

Sure, I do. But I fear that if I do then something bad will happen. If I choose to say no, something bad will happen.

She will get hurt.

She will hurt herself.

I thought I was over that.

I thought I conquered that that same day it happened.

I guess the armour isn’t as strong as the heart.

If I do what I want, you will hurt yourself and say I am the devil reincarnated.

If I say no, you will punish me for it.

I often say to myself that you were just 13 and I shouldn’t blame you for it.

That sure it was bad because I was 12.

And today I still won’t say it. But today the 12 year old me will tell you to go to hell. That doing such a thing is an awful awful thing to do. I’m happy we stopped being friends. I’m happy I left you. I should have left you. That was the absolute right thing to do.

Not because you didn’t deserve the love I gave you, but because I deserved better than how you were treating me. And you didn’t change.

So for both of us, but mainly for myself, I had to leave.

None of the things you did were okay.

I deserved nothing of it.

Neither did you.

Neither of us did.

But still, you never had the right to hurt me like that. Make me feel like that. Twist my head like that. Restrict me like that.

I know that you are no longer what restricts me today. I can’t blame you anymore. It won’t do anything. It won’t help with anything. It won’t heal anything. It will just like up into a ball of resentment. Something I don’t want.

Instead of focusing on you I will give all my time and energy to heal what’s damaged and regain my own power. Regain my security. Regain my trust. Regain myself.

There are so many things I believe today that I have to rework, it will take time, lots of time, and it will be hard. I will probably want to give up, and give in to the belief I deserve the pain and terror, but I will do whatever it takes to heal, I will fight it, no matter how hopeless it may feel. Because there is always hope.

I will not succumb to fear.

(omori reference bc I love that game and it has meant so much for my journey of healing my cptsd)

[fiymywings]

i wont drag this out too long i prommy but i just wanna get some of my ymkr thoughts out

the one thing im most sad about ymkr eos'ing is, karma and alma genuinely were one of the better (i wont say one of the best since "best" in context to a very personal disorder that changes person to person is very very subjective) DID reps, esp in mobage

karma isnt this murderous evil dude and he doesnt attack people at random or for fun or anything, hes cold sure but its very clear in story he holds resentment towards the world and himself for being the "evil" that he feels alma cant bare to hold himself and talks a lot about just wanting to disappear once his job is over which i think is smth that resonates with quite a few alters that hold onto the trauma of the system and protect the host both in one

alma isnt scared or afraid of karma either, both because of his own personality and emma's own word that karma isnt a bad guy

i also really liked that switch triggers didnt feel too janky, though it did lead to me also getting jumpscared With emma when karma did show up but i much prefer that over a 10 second thing where someone yells "HES MORBING!!!" or overemphasis on the switch, sometimes switches do feel overdramatic but a lot of the times it just kinda happens

and to reiterate on my point from "karma isnt murderous", while he does attack people in some of the stories, a lot of it is justified in that alma is about to get seriously injured and hes often trying to de-escalate with no results. this is Wildly Different from media where say the alter is killing people to relieve stress (COUGH.) or just attacks people for being mildly annoying (COUGH .) protective alters, surprisingly, tend to be much more harsher or strict on perceived threats than random people! thats their whole job!

i know from experience some people tend to be iffy on the whole two alter only system format but i really truly dont think the alter count really matters, CPTSD does tend to cause more issues with your identity in context to dissassociation but if someone only developed one extra person in their noggin despite everything then more power to them, im Still splitting even in my mid 20's because of horrific depressive episodes alongside me recovering from some other trauma i experienced

this doesnt necessarily make the 2 alter thing Unrealistic, but its a testament to how strong they are at heart and moreover how strong their traumaholder is for having kept themselves together and helping the system move together as only two. obviously some people will also only have some issue with the same trauma while others will develop really bad issues (i.e. alma developing a system from his families death while hollow seemingly only developed OCD tendencies as a trauma response)

i think the difference of circumstance kinda matters here because almas case was a genuine arson due to slander while hollows case was a genuine accident that he holds guilt over unknowingly feeling like if he'd just taken the machines apart the fire wouldnt have happened (speculation! i dont know if he ever actually came to this conclusion yet but ... well :,) )

ANYWAY . going forward due to my lack of knowledge on the main story i hesitate to say i'll continue to write alma and karma's/hollow's story in plot to ymkr, but i cant really bare to leave them behind either, so ill probably just keep writing them with my oc/sona (oc for hollow, sona for alma/karma) and continue developing them within what i can !!! i'll love them forever and no service end will ever change that for me \o/

again, i'll be trying to archive their things, but i will have to do so cautiously because my phone storage isnt infinite...

i don't know, i think i just need some time T_T;; this isnt the only thing i'm kinda grieving the loss of in the span of a few weeks, though as silly as it is considering the game isnt living breathing, because its so personal to me im actually feeling a bit pained about it + the back to back losses is kinda taking a toll on me so i'll just be logging in and doing what i can... ill start archiving in october since i have quite a bit of time to grind and get the last meister pieces to fully max out the recent hollow

[recoveringhopefulsoul]

July 7, 2024

My bad for not updating yesterday. I spent a lot of time gaming and studying.

I have some ED-related thoughts today that I'm not necessarily proud of, but it is what it is. I was looking through some recovery meal photos and all of them look so high fat, as in all I saw were desserts for the most part. I did see some healthier options, but mostly all the sweets. I eat baked goods too, but the portions of these things were incredible and really grossed me out. I have had thoughts about people appearing overweight after recovery, specifically friends I was in treatment with who have, what society would say, "let themselves go." But they're happy, so I should be happy for them, and I am. Still, I have this terrible fear of looking like that and gaining that much weight in recovery.

I think it's why I'm a little upset with my weight right now. It is higher than I want it to be, but it's still under 100% of what my IBW is. But that fear is still there that if I'm not careful, I could end up like my friends and look too heavy, especially for my body type. I have a small frame, whereas some of my friends don't have a naturally small frame. Again, I feel terrible thinking like that, but I need to honor the thoughts I am having in order to work through them.

That being said, ED thoughts do still abound even though I am in strong recovery at this point. I can at least notice them and reappraise them, but that doesn't take away the fear. That may always be with me, and that is related I think to societal standards more than my traumas, which is sort of an odd thing for me as my ED has always been related to specifically my CPTSD and not to a fear of being fat. At least, not until now that I'm in recovery and suddenly started noticing these things. Perhaps I noticed them before and didn't realize it at the time because of the trauma stuff being so strong. I don't know.

In other news, it's been a week since I've showered again, and I am going to try to find the strength to go in and shower now, even if I don't wash my hair. I think if I don't wash my hair, I'll be able to handle it. For some reason, my brain sees it as this gigantic chore because of what happens after I shower. I have to brush through my extremely long hair, then put it up so it doesn't irritate me, and then I have to do all of my skin care stuff so my face doesn't dry out from just being cleaned. I deal with dehydrated and dry skin at times, so essences, serums, and moisturizers are a must for me or my skin looks awful. I wonder if I picked up dry shampoo if that would help? I've never looked into it before, so maybe I should and see if it would be useful or potentially damage my hair. I have extremely thin hair that's prone to breakage unfortunately, so I have to be very careful with haircare products.

Huh. My cat is in my shorts drawer. Why?

[bunnypopgal]

What does the future hold for me? Goals & Ambitions

Hello! Another day has started and I'm doing pretty alright today so far. I think I would like to discuss a bit about my future goals and dreams as well as what I want to come from this blog in more hopefully clear detail.

Let's start with the blog part! I originally made this blog a few years ago when I was still being hurt by many people around me. I would often write a whole bunch in diaries growing up as a way to help me find the joy in the small things. I'm aware I'm a very odd case of both CPTSD and just in personality. I have been told I am a very resilient and strong person not only for still standing here afterwards but for still being myself after it all. I am a very bubbly, sunshiney person generally. I do believe myself to be a very self aware person with a high emotional intelligence. Don't worry I didn't reach this conclusion on my own as some weird reflection of narcissism from what I've been through. Honestly it's only been a few months that I've been able to say that about myself and truly believe it. I’ve had therapists, LD professionals, teachers, random adults tell me that my whole life and it still took my partner the entire time up till now he has known me (almost 2 years) of hours long conversations to convince me. Building such confidence is a tad scary for me since I’m terrified of acting like my narcissistic biological mother (whom I call my egg donor normally). Also I hope this came out correctly as me just being proud of myself and not anything malicious! So all that to say I hope I can do some good to share about my healing journey! I also would love to share my thoughts here as well and share the joys of everyday normal life even after years of trauma.

Personal life goals! As mentioned before in this post and my last few I do indeed have a wonderful, most lovely partner! We are currently in a long distance relationship. We’re both from neighbouring countries to one another and we have plans to get engaged so I can move in with him. We don’t want to actually get married until we’re a bit older than we are now so we feel no true rush on the marriage part. Currently we’re just enjoying life and saving money as much as we can. We hope to one day have kids as well even though that’s super far from now we still have a list of baby names. 

On a sad note though is I don’t actually have any other people I’m close with other than him. I don’t go out much (mainly due to being broke) and I don’t really put myself out there even if I knew where to put myself in the first place. I would love to meet some gal pals who would not only want to sing barbie movie songs with me as lifelong best friends but also be my bridesmaids. Of course while I do have lots of time I do feel likely that I’ll get married without having a bachelorette party or any bridesmaids. For now I try not to think about it much since I am still so young and would only really plan to come back to my country to visit my Father’s, my grandparents’ and my great grandparents’ graves. I’m pretty disillusioned with the state of my country currently so I am very excited to leave.

Career future! Since my partner and I currently have to save a lot of money and just life in general being that much more expensive I’ve been trying to get a part time job. I’m pretty scared since advocating for support needs around where I live just gets you fired and I don’t have time, money nor the heart for lawyer stuff. I’m becoming more confident and honestly just more prepared to act as normal as humanly possible while having hallucinations. Sadly I still have no idea what triggers my hallucinations so it’s still very much a guessing game for me. I applied to a bunch of openings at a fast food place all around my town so hopefully they’ll reach out to me soon. 

What was I doing before, you say? Well I was working on my craft which is a bit embarrassing for me to admit honestly. I’ve been trying to improve my art so I can do a whole bunch of things. My biggest dream goal is publishing my magical girl comic book series! Which I’ve also been writing for as well during this time. I also plan to start streaming as a PNGtuber, making youtube, tiktok videos and doing art commissions which I’ve also been working on during that time as well. Drawing is hard but at least nowadays I feel my work looks nice to general audiences I think, I hope. I’m not sure if I will link any of my future work or social media here on this blog but just know if you see a magical girl comic making it big with it’s amazing art and storytelling made for an early 20’s adulthood audience from a singular female author and artist- yeah, that’s my work. If anything I know my magical girl series is gonna be adored in the girl centric media. Think Buffy the Vampire Slayer(the spinoff Angel too) meets 2000’s Barbie movies aesthetics, with Winx Club, Supernatural AND Charmed influences too! I’m so excited! This will be a very long running series so I am currently writing LOTS of lore to work with for a LONG time. Oh and yes there’s gonna be LOTS of amazing fashion that I hope will be timeless!

I am very hopeful and very sure of myself and that things will work out because I will make sure of it! I hold my power and my dreams WILL come true! That’s all from me for today! Don’t forget to brush your teeth and drink water today! Laters!

[anxious-acushla]

Alexa play Maggie Rogers’ Back in My Body...

I go to therapy every week but my therapist had an emergency and needed to cancel our appointment yesterday so today she called me on my lunch break just to check in. As usual, what was meant to be a very brief thing ended up being a very not brief thing. I told her about how bad my dissociation has been. And when I dissociate it’s like I’m an observer, watching this girl I don’t know, and don’t have particular interest in, live a very mundane (boring) and meaningless life. I didn’t know this wasn’t normal self reflection until I was about fifteen so today when I told my therapist about it she applauded me for being so self aware. We spent the rest of the time talking about my writing and why I’m not doing it. I think a lot of my aversion to writing is related to my dissociation habits which stems from my anxiety (GAD) which has been out of control since New York started opening back up after a strict COVID quarantine. I’d gotten very used to not having to leave my house. I didn’t have to spend most of my mental energy being the perfectionist workaholic. I didn’t have to get up every day and put on makeup and do my hair and look put together. I could do things I wanted to do: writing and yoga and napping. Then quarantine slowly ended and that rug was ripped out from underneath me; I was being thrust back into everything, and I really haven’t been able to find my balance since. What had become a very safe existence suddenly felt very unsafe - cue the trauma responses - cue the dissociation. Suddenly I was scared for all the immunocompromised people in my life and how the job I don’t really love (and most days don’t really like) put me in a position that could possibly cause them harm. A residual event at work (at the job that I left right before the pandemic hit) was gaining steam and then suddenly I was starting a new job, worried that I’d be dealing with the same workplace bullshit again. I was stuck in the past and being forced to live a future I really didn’t want - still don’t really want. I was just going through the motions, watching this stranger live her life, wondering how many more days I’d be forced to watch this god awful marathon of human nothingness. But the old work bullshit is just about done now. I’ve come to a realization with my job and my career that makes it all a bit more bearable. I’m more quiet now but I also care less and it’s honestly really nice. So I’m getting there. Things are a bit less foggy. For weeks the thought of writing made me nauseous. Then I didn’t think about it at all. Now I think about it almost everyday. I still don’t do it. I did put all of the dialogue I’d sketched out into a word doc. Almost 2K words of dialogue that once flowed out of me so easily. I loved CFDD and I want to love it again. I loved writing and I want to love it again. I just kind of need to get back in my body before that happens. And I hope that happens soon.