#coz i literally mentioned every little detail

[msbhagirathi]

IPKKND LIVE BLOG - Season 1 [Episode 1]

Sooooooooooooo, I thought of live blogging the show, coz I have not yet watched the whole series at one go. Yeah, I know that's a little weird, coz what the hell then how the fck do you call yourself a fan then see the thing is from the very first time I used to skip a lot of episodes in between of watching only the 'interesting ones' *cries*. I KNOW OKAY !?!?! I RUINED THE EXPERIENCE MYSELF BY HITTING A KULHARI IN MY OWN LEGS!?!!??! But how would I have known that I would be hooked to this show like this, like obsessively hooked, like what the fck. Okay, in some other post I will share my first impression of this show and my POV for ITV today(altho no one asked for it *presses a tight lipped smile*) Let's start the epi thennnnnnn, come onnnnnnnn.

Hmm. Lucknow. Gomti Sadan (Since 1943)

Buaji's very first 'Haye Re Nandkisore' makes an appearance.

"Arre Khussi ka mauka hai." Irony. I might be over analyzing it but this sounded like it's Khushi's chance today(at luck? at love?) maybe because today she will meet him for the first time. Also the next dialogue we hear is from a silhouette of Khushi.

Payal doubts their decision to negotiate this with 'jijaji'. Khushi is shown from the back. Then, eyes. Then, back. Then, eyes. Then, lips. Then, again eyes.

Buaji is in the mood to dance. Babuji is worried about the dowry, but one look at his Payalia smiling and now the only thing important for him is his daughter's happiness. I realized that I loved this scene. There's something special about a father beaming with joy on seeing his daughter smiling that makes him forget all about his worries.

Khushi tying her laces of the tennis shoes while looking down at the dance sequence going on.(What was that song, was it an OST? I couldn't find it anywhere) Tennis shoes. Hmm. we all had that same shoe for PT uniform.

Ads. Ads. ADS.

Khushi is revealed in full at the mandir in front of her best friend, Devi Maiyya.

'Maaf kijiye kaka ji abhi thodi si jaldi hai, baaki ki maafi laut kar maangte hain." Lol. Nothing. Just Khushi being herself for 10 seconds straight.

Dowry. 10 Lakh in cash and his shop papers for another 10. Babuji already doubtful (very rightfully so!) of the kind of family that they are getting Payal married into. Garima trying to erase those doubts by her sick 'excuses'.

Lol. Khushi, in a green and pink lehenga, driving a scooter having milk canisters attached to it, and guess what, everyone, literally EVERYONE, in the road is staring at her. Ughhh. Girls facing eve-teasing in India, unfortunately a very common thing.

A cute scene is here, guys. Like wow. Look at her excuse. She is going to school for a drama competition looking like princess. "Then where is your prince?", asks that kucchi-mucchi kid(yeah I feel like pulling his cheeks.)

Khushi looks up, to the kid, at the question ANDDDDDDDDDDD FINALLY GUYSSSSSSSS.

The bg score changes to an-introductory?-'important?'- instrumental. And there comes the first scene of Sobti flying in, in a helicopter. Lol. I remember an interview where he said this that he still remembers that first scene, and later getting demoted to SUVs. Lol.

Anyways, homies. Get ready. Drone shot of Lucknow and then-

UGHHHHHHHH. ADS. HOTSTAR WHAT IS THIS BEHAVIOR!?!?!!?

Sheesh Mahal.

There aren't even enough guards to stop the media from running further towards the helipad. They can easily do so but- maybe they were given a warning for not crossing a line. Who knows? *shrugs*

ASR revealed. His ASR BG playing in its full bloom. Full bloom. Lol. Does that even make sense? I hope it does.

Is it only me or anyone else also feels that there is a huge distance between where Bitwa is standing and where the reporters are? *shrugs*

Btw he seems like he does not even give a fck to what they are saying.

We get a glimpse of Arnav's traumatic past. And the scene cuts to Arnav getting jolted out by-a Dove?- Coincidence? I think not. Dove is a symbol of peace. Metaphor playing at its best. As today he will also meet the person who will become his solace for forever.

Also, that transition from Arnav to ASR. Take a bow, Mr. Sobti. *bows down with joined hands*

Chachaji. Epitome of Hypocrisy. Talking about morals. Arnav's face is like 'Just shut the fck up, chachaji.'

Here, chachaji thought he would be getting the money. But, to clear his doubt, Arnav shuts the suitcase and passes it to Khan Saheb, indicating the opposite.

Arnav's first dialogue.

He said two lines, here. I think the first line clears the air for chachaji that things are serious, and the second line was a hint given to him to realise who he is dealing with, that is, his late brother's son. Arnav hinted at his greed for money and property. But, for him money is his occupation, his business. "Paisa mera shauk nahi, pesha hai." But, unsurprisingly chachaji did not get it.

Khan Saheb reveals that he has sold the Sheesh Mahal to Raizada Sa'ab. Chachaji's face is worth looking at.

D-dddd-did you see the contrast in their opinions about zameer, asul aur paisa....???? My goshhhhh. Like they are exact opposite, poles apart.

Okay a little glossary here : Zameer- conscience Asul(or usul, both are the same, only accent is different)- morals paisa- money

He finally let his chachaji know who he is. Lol. Look at his (chachaji's) face.

Fashion Show.

The first two models walk in with ASR. The right one's dress was fine, but. Umm. Look at the left one. They simply took a red dress and stitched a net dupatta to it. wOw. fAsHiOn. And this is nothing. There's more to come. Just wait till ASR's introduction speech is over.

Raizada Show, the biggest annual show. Collection name was- Sonar?- can anyone decode it? Why did Sobti had to mumble it?

First personal question. Ignore. Second personal question. Lashes out politely. Third personal question. Just shut the fck up and mind your own business. Very apt representation of Indian Media, today.

Chicky?-Tricky?-Chicken?- Textiles', What the hell did you mumble Mr. Sobti???? have introduced a new technology, then obviously i-is it only me or anyone else as well that seriously didn't understand what did he mumbled here-?? But guess what, Anjali Di understood it. DI PLEASE TELL USSSSS. PLSSSSS.

His sister can read him so well. Even tho he MUMBLES everything he says. Which is also not very much.

Arnav is saying that he has already moved on long ago while getting teary eyed about getting reminded of his past. The most painful scene. No, bitwa you haven't moved on you have just suppressed all your emotions under this tight lid called 'ASR'.

Every one at Gomti Sadan is worried about Khushi and the papers' absence.

It took Khushi almost the whole day to reach Sheesh Mahal. Arnav what is this behaviour??? Why didn't you send a car for your wife?? Heh. Lol. JK.

Khushi proves that she is a child trapped in a body of a late teen here. Lol. Look at her. "Bhool bhoolaiya, chale hai paiya, raah bata do mori maiyya, aaj batado humko rasta, tumhe khila dun puri khasta." while turning round and round for the hint of the correct 'direction'. And Devi Maiyya directed her straight to her prince.

Tears pooling in her eyes, lips taking devi maiyya's name continuously, closes her eyes. Khushi has absolutely no idea what is she expected to do. She is just standing and waiting for something to happen.

This sequence is the eye sequence. You might already know the symbolization. Khushi closed her eyes for strength and support just as Arnav opened his to open a new chapter of his life.

Arnav is quite shocked and angry as well. And then the famous fall and catch happens.

Here, Arnav, on getting a close up of Khushi's face, kind of likes what he sees. Guys, Khushi's fingers clutching on Arnav's collar is just- *takes a deep breath and starts hyperventilating*

He looks at the eyes. Hazel brown. Then, looks down at the lips. Pink gloss. Shiny. Trembling. Back to the eyes. quite the same rhythm that they followed while introducing Khushi.

The Aesthetic of the scene is so beautiful. Arnav's face, Khushi's face, them in an intense eye lock along with the Golden lights and sparkles in the background. Khushi taking a look at his lips in turn. *sighs dreamily*

Screen fades. Precap starts. *quickly pauses it* I am not a huge fan of spoilers so I generally don't watch them.

P.S.: Okay so the other dresses weren't that bad. I am sorry I doubted your skilz, bitwa. You are bhery talonted.

I hope you loved it coz I had a lot of fun doing this. :)

Next Episode!

[iwillneverforgiveyousunghanbin]

hey omg yes 🎻 anon is good i love it

it makes sooo much sense that u played viola LOL snare drum & singing sounds sooooo cool... it makes sm sense that u do music LOL after reading taedros (ya i noticed the choir detail) and the hao chapter. and idgaf if its bad for me... if its hao, ill let him do anything ❤

and omg the matthew chap is so amazing but god am i mad i feel like im being edged literally. Like since the 1st chap ive been waiting for some dick in pussy action & i finally got it just for it to be ripped away from me so quickly 💔💔💔 the way every chapter gets dirtier is so perfect though. im glad that its just dubcon coz noncon is a little much for me too. but i love dubcon. also i love that the bully levels r complete opposite to what i expected (like. taerae & hanbin being the meanest is basically unheard of LMFAO) and taerae being at the end is making me giggle im sooo excited. but take ur time i can wait 😁

also!! idk if u mentioned it alr but whos ur bias? like id guess taerae... if it werent for ur username 😭 im guessing hanbin & taerae r ur 2 favs tho??

lmk if this is a lot to read i tend to ramble & talk a lot but i can cut back if its too much 😋. hope the rest of ur day goes well!!

xoxo, 🎻

yesss i tend to add in music/theater details when it comes to fics that take place in an academic setting since that was my experience

aaaagh i’m glad you liked it!! no, i know… the cutting off right when things are gonna get super good was actually my goal for these single member parts. it’s so the last part can be as good/satisfying as i would like it to be!!

hanbin’s and tae’s parts are going to be the most emotionally complex/have the most duality. i’m pretty excited for those different personalities/scenarios (though they’re gonna be really mean/intense) :)

gunwookie was actually my one pick. he’s just my precious little angel and i honestly see my younger self in him so i have the softest spot for him.

in terms of like a real bias in the fullest sense of the word, i’d actually probably say matt. i unfortunately have a long history with matthews and it looks like it’s not stopping any time soon 💀

but i like to write smut for hanbin/taerae the most i think, hao being a close second. and i like to write fluff on my main for ricky/gyubinnie cause they’re both nuts

i clearly also like to write a lot so you came to the write ask box 😎 also who is your bias, i’m v curious

[rain2bow2]

MY THEORY WAS RIGHT (perhaps)

So, a while ago, I made a repost at an Alastor appreciation post and noted some details about him. Now, after watching the finale and SEEING THAT had made my brain start cooking.

Mental breakdown girlie. My friend - emotions are FLOWING to the top. They have been the entire season - definitely not what I had expected. Many people had characterised him as some sort of unfeeling, all powerful, fantastic guy who 'doesn't need emotions' and 'can survive without them'. I can tell you straight away that you are too relatable, Alastor. Truly

A) Eyes. Eyes are everything. When he encounters the egg bois in the beginning, you can see the patience running thin.

B) Dialogue with Charlie - something behind the smile. He's extending an olive branch! my friend is opening up about his feelings (this is early days and his mental state is severely declining)

2. THE POWER IS IN THE MICROPHONE. And he freely gives it to Charlie?

3. Red eyes during breakdown. Transforming into final form? Too overwhelmed by emotions to do so?

4. HIS COAT IS RIPPED AFTER THE FIGHT WITH ADAM. From the left side to the side of his torso. Wears dark red undershirt underneath

5. HIS VOICE WITHOUT THE FILTER OH MY GOD OH MY DAYS

6. the shield that he had made? the weird puppet smile like creatures that he had spawned? what powers have he not got?

A)HOW IS THE DEAL LIMITING HIS POWER? 'Clip his wings' (mentioned in breakdown).. perhaps the deal gives him the power instead of limiting it? But why would Alastor want out of it then? We had already confirmed that he hates being out of control and not being able to be the most powerful in the room. Removing the deal would take away his power in that case. And he's too insecure and too scared to do so.

7. ear movements are EVERYTHING. He truly reminds me of my own cat - what the eyes don't tell us, the ears do. Body language can reveal much more than words.

8. Gossip girlyyy full on waving feet in the airrrr

9. Right, because I have been seeing so much of this - we still do not have Alastor's confirmed last name. The line that was used in the breakdown scene was "Altruistic Alastor Dies for his Friends" or something of the short. Now, at first glance it may seem as if the last name of Alastor is revealed but after a FAIRLY QUICK GOOGLE SEARCH we are able to find out that altruistic means someone who holds the best interests of others, selfishly unconcerned. This line was delivered by him with the intention of showing how he is self-loathing - The unselfish Alastor had died for his friends. this indicates the change that even he had spotted within himself, but seeing as this had been mentioned in the middle of his meltdown, it means that he is ashamed of this - he doesn't want this to be a reality, he wants to not have emotions and feelings.

Again - NOT A LAST NAME.

9. Deal with Charlie - why not her soul, but just a favour? perhaps because of FEELINGS (awful i know) and coz he considers her of a high regard because if he too her soul he could make her do as many favours as he possibly want. Breaking out of the contract etc etc. Change baby change.

10. Acting, my dear friend, acting is BEAUTIFUL. Mental breakdown? not a problem. seeing friends after it and pretending everything is fine? easy peasy. letting them TOUCH him and invite him back into the family and visit the place that they had built especially for him....

11. Crossing legsgsssssgsgsgsgsggsgsgs

12. Patting charlie's headdddd

13. Proud parentttttt

14. Him wanting to mentor charlie <33

15. Him just... STANDING and SITTING and AHH

16. Literally every single song that he interrupts is my favourite

17. SMILE LIKE YOU MEAN IT AHAHAH even when you don't have a choice? well, looks like that is exactly the problem with our favourite little deer here! Glasgow smiles (i will stand by this), stitches lined up across his face. The neon rope also goes over his teeth and gives the impression of a muzzle - perhaps a result of the deal or one of the drawbacks of the demon form, I don't know. It looks sick as hell, but god that looks painful as well. I mean, if someone literally wire-trapped him up, someone is literally controlling his speech and actions.

18. He has friends. He had made connections!!! (Rosie, Mimzy is literally only taking advantage of him and he literally cuts her off in favour of the safety of the hotel. He protects it - only because of the deal, or because of the change in his attitude towards the hotel?)

19. His little costume and the way that hes dressed? He didnt even change for the final battle - everyone else did. He was so confident that he would win that he decided not to bother. After all, the most anyone had ever taken of him during a physical battle was a slip of fabric from his coat.

20. And finally... the photograph on the stand. Vox and Alastor used to be friends as Alastor trusted him enough to take a photograph OF him. Of course, something ruined it - Vox inviting Alastor into the Vs? or something else entirely?

Well, yes these are just some of the thoughts that I had after browsing Tumblr for a few hours and after watching the show finale. I am actually really excited about how Vivienne is going to change his character in S2 and of course, about the fanfics that are going to erupt from the ending of the season.

Catch y'all later.

Had to get the gifs for this scene. The way he's animated really sells the desperation. I'm also sure he's none too thrilled thinking about the idea of being remembered as selfless and self-sacrificial, rather than the proud Radio Demon he is.

[joyisntyoj]

04: LETTERS TO NOBODY OR MAYBE MAYARI

Seal stamps, stamps with whatever designs, papers and pens, stickers, pictures, dried flowers, heartwarming messages, and a lot more.

When was the last time you wrote something on a literal piece of paper for someone?

Have you ever personally given someone a handwritten letter or sent it from the post office?

Is writing a letter still a thing today, or you just use whatever app you have because what is the point if other ways are more convenient, right?

Maybe, you are more the vocal type of person and, you just say what you feel instead of writing it down?

Perhaps, you are none of the above because what is important is your presence in their lives and, that is more than enough?

Still, how lovely it is to keep something that has sentimental value. It unnecessarily means that you are hoarding something because what's to not treasure from precious memories in a small piece of paper in an envelope?

This story is for those who never get tired of expressing themselves in whatever form they know, but most especially to those who write.

May you never run out of papers, inks, and thoughts to compose. to more unforgotten memories preserved in letters.

^^^

To: Mayari.

How are you? I wish things were getting better, just like what I always pray. These days, sleeping at night suddenly became serene as well as waking up in the morning. Sometimes my days are dull and typical...I believe? But most of the time, it's either I'm feeling blue or extra sad, or was that the same? I kept on blaming the pandemic, but for real, I'm just a mess. Silent battles are truly tough. I wish I had the courage and strength just like yours. Be safe. Stay sane. I'm really trying my best to be legit all right.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Liway is the name, exhausted with life. Mayari, someone out there, maybe a supreme being or plausibly not always receives Liway's letters. Sometimes Liway writes 10 messages at once and sometimes none at all. Mayari is the only recipient of such letters that even Liway never knew they were received by the random recipient it thought was just nobody. It all genuinely started on having a recipient written on the "To:" part at the post office. Though seriously, it doesn't even have any home address. It's super weird that it's for Mayari and no address, and were received.

HOW?

^^^

To: Mayari.

The night has come. This time, it feels heavier than usual. Tears are suddenly falling. I noticed that an unwelcome visitor came. The familiar pain is hugging me again, so tight that breathing is getting harder. I hate everything. Yet, I came to realize a lot of things. Afterward, I'm feeling blessed and grateful. Am I getting crazy? Before I went to bed, at the dinner table, I felt uncomfortable with the conversation we had, my family, about myself back then. I really hate it when they keep on bringing up what happened in the past. I already moved on... I think... so can they stop mentioning those moments? Honestly, whenever anything from the past is introduced again and remembered, I tend to feel like it just happened yesterday. Everything is coming back so fresh and new; fun, pain, sweats, and tears. I hate it.

PS. Mayari, can you send me some courage? Preferably in capsules, So I can have it in my intakes and be sure I'll be really having it in my system literally.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Continues writing so many letters filled with how living is like. Liway felt tired and exhausted. A few days ago, it was super overwhelmed that crying is unavoidable. Then this morning, Ms. Walmy called for a little chat and checking up because it's never too bad to check up on somebody, most especially when you're a counselor. It's your job, so uh? Anyway, though Liway was out of focus on the call, it was able to be accomodating and warm in return. It reciprocated the thoughtfulness with a sweet smile.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey! Today I was mad because firsthand, I experienced that thing I usually hear from other people. The "don't-post-something-revealing-on-social-media-but-love-yourself-but-that's-not-appropriate". Well, I don't even know why I'm reacting super outrage towards it. Because knowing that my family is just concerned for me since the internet is frankly scary. I mean, I did nothing wrong, so why? Maybe deciding to be confident on the internet is not necessary for them. But for me, it is! So how should I deal with this? A friend consoled me, and I feel better. Still tho, my mood is already ruined. Oh gosh.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

 Liway.

Welcoming a new week, the usual Liway is busy with the household chores. Some may find it stressful, but this one is pretty different. Scrubbing the floor, washing the dishes, brooming on the side. Later on, folding the clothes, fixing the bed, and a lot more things. It looks like it'll be tiring its body out until the nose bleeds, and passing out is the last resort to rest. How come it's easier to clean an actual mess than the one inside the head and heart?

^^^

To: Mayari.

Beloa visited me today. My childhood and the only friend left I have up to this day from elementary school. If you get what I mean? It's been a long time since we had a chat, especially that things are super complicated these days. She's doing really well, and I couldn't be more proud. I'm still amazed at how we manage to be friends because we both don't like each other to begin with. It's so funny that we even pulled each other's hair in the 4th grade while the class is taking the annual picture for the school year remembrance. What are the odds in this even, right? HAHAHA. Today was warm and bright.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Dates suddenly don't vary in these letters. Even the concept of time is somehow gone. What's important is regardless of not having these "important details" like the usual, Liway can keep up and be consistent in sending its letters. Liway never missed a chance to send a letter to the address less recipient, which left the post office staff to ponder with it. But as time goes by, Alle, the clerk, is no more surprised 'coz she's used to everything now. The envelopes unfailingly vanished the moment it was dropped inside the mailing box. Indeed, a magical mailbox.

^^^

To: Mayari.

I never knew how amazing pretending could be. You know that thing where someone usually says I'm okay, but really not? The inner saboteur that was triggered by their trauma is real-real-real. A car is useless when it's not moving if you wanted to travel to faraway places. Does that make sense?

PS. It sucks that our bathroom is the only "semi-safe space".

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Polar bears are really fascinating. They get to hibernate. Then, after the time being, back on hunting and living their lives. Ligaya was one of Liway's hero. A lot knew Ligaya for being a superhero, although she does not have that fantasy powers. Just like the polar bears, too, Ligaya has been hibernating for quite some time but kept on saying that she was not. Liway saw it all. Maybe a bear's hibernation is different from a human-being, hmm?

^^^

To: Mayari.

IDK what to say, but I just wanted to be consistent at the very least in sending you letters.

PS. The radio was broken, but in my head, it's working. It kept on playing nonstop music. Is this a poetic way of saying I'm overthinking things?

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari.

A lot happened lately. Somebody lost a precious one, and here I am, having a renaissance moment. It's a crazy ride, but for all it's worth, the pea has grown into a beautiful plant. Hope it made sense coz finally, everything is making sense to me now. Little by little, slowly and surely.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey!! I hope you are doing great!!! These days, everything felt surreal. I get to be active everywhere. It's draining, yet I feel so alive than ever. I had this thought that time is indeed just a concept, hmm? I mean, anytime is the right time to do what you want and whatever it is. Nothing is too late, most especially when it comes to growth. OH, being late in class still counts but FOR REAL RIP TO THE ONLINE CLASS SETUP -_-

PS. May we never run out of time to be the best versions of ourselves. LOVE WHOEVER YOU WANT. fck the situation, but SOON, GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT. SPEND FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR LOVED ONES. FEEL EVERYTHING.

PSS. May we leave this world with fewer regrets and more amazing memories.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Quite a lot of letters were already sent. The post office is getting more and more letters, as well as Mayari. Still, NO REPLY. Maybe some other, Liway will be able to hear Mayari's words.

^^^

To: Mayari.

*here's an envelope just in case you want to write me something*

With so much love annd kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

'Tis the season to be jolly. LOL Nah. Liway has been out for the past weeks. By out, means on a hibernation mode. A L O T R E A L L Y happened. It's hard to put it into words. I guess Liway will end these letter-sending shenanigans or just lazy and trying to give out some excuses //

^^^

To: Mayari. 

Ever since I was taught how to move around the kitchen, I've been assigned to be Mom's assistant while cooking for the feast every event/occasion we'll be celebrating. It's tiring but super fun. Getting your fingers bleed and while unaware is cool LOL~ 

PS. Why does it feel so good to overthink things while doing the dishes? What's with that scenario.........

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Tireless hands, heart, and mind with countless thoughts and feelings, papers, and pens everywhere—WRITING; it surely is one of the best ways to vent. Though letters can’t hug and wipe one's tears, witness waves of laughter, ease the pain, and such, the comfort from every word written is more than enough.

Suddenly time barge in and reminded me that this is enough. THIS IS ENOUGH FOR 2020...

A new chapter has arrived, and maybe it's time to move forward. Maybe this is where it all gonna stop for a while. I mean, writing is somehow tiring, literally. Probably, Mayari might reply with the number of letters sent anytime soon, so maybe waiting is all that needed.

No rush in moving on.

MAY YOU GET THE REPLY YOU LONG FOR SO LONG.

PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND HAVE COURAGE.

BE KIND ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Little did nobody know, Liway is writing a letter to her "ideal" self.

The letter-sending-to-nobody thingy of Liway is really mind-boggling, right?

Mayari is Liway. Liway is Mayari.

The things that Liway wanted to say but cannot articulate well were always sent to Mayari. Mayari is the version of Liway it wishes to become in the future. 

The weak Liway longs and hopes to have "that" someone by her side to look up to. That's why she always writes letters and keeps them in the memory box.

The post office thingy was actually her shared room at home: the table at the corner with no lights but so much mess. It's that post office.

It's pandemic, so how can a post office be open and how brave she is to go out, right?

That saying, "be the hero you wanted to have when you were little", is the best explanation of Liway's way of venting and expressing.

Nobody knows when Mayari will come to life because it's no certainty that we can be the ideal self we all wanted to happen. 

For now, Liway is fighting her battles and screaming louder to the universe,

UNTIL WHEN DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY?

To be continued...

Happy New Year, Mayari. ✨💜

This is like an excerpt from my quarantine shenanigans for 2020 LOL.

[claymorecut]

Journey of a shipper: Kontae and how I fell for this ship?

OKAY! SO I'M FINALLY DOING THIS. Writing a long ass meta about this ship because hell, I love them and this ship is beautiful and I just need more content for this ship, so I'm making some myself! Before I start, it's just my opinion and I don't mean to offend anybody and second, I'm not a great analyst. I'm just going to ramble about stuff here and it's pretty long. So, enjoy!

I remember making this post about gintama ships back when I first started watching Gintama and I remember mentioning Kontae there. The sweet and kind guy falls for the hard-core and strong willed woman. A ship dynamic I really love. And their interactions, so damn funny I can't even say! And the 10 years gap didn't look like a big issue to me; they are both adults so I was okay with it. This ship looked funny to me, Kondou blushing, asking her to marry him, butt hair and all xD but also made me feel like "it may not get too far". But Idk why, I decided to stick with it. Because i was just so much in love with Kondou and Otae's characters. But in between all that, I really didn't see any kind of romance happening between these two and I was like maybe in an AU, they'd make a really good couple. It's not happening in Gintama 'cause I really don't see any kind of romance happening in this universe (and yet, I continued shipping xD)

But, I was wrong.

When the Yagyuu arc came and I watched episode 81. And my faith in this ship was restored. I know there were some ship-tease moments for gintae in the benizakura arc and the yagyuu arc but then this scene came:

I know, I know, it wasn't literal but what if it was? Well, that's not the question here. I was pretty surprised to hear this myself. Gintoki saying "She'll make it up to him" and Hijikata saying "She loves him. She's just playing hard to get" and all then Otae comes and saves Kondou from his Gorilla marriage. I got the verdict here tho. Maybe it was just for comedic purpose, maybe not. But still, it was enough for me to continue shipping them coz they looked hella cute and I just thought I'd just stick to it. Maybe, I'm gonna find something big soon. I found other ships like Hijimitsu and Gintsu! But that's a topic for another day.

AND, YES. I DID!

The pool arc came, which is like ep 217 and yes, nothing huge happened but remember how Gintoki was a making fun of Otae's breasts and how he wasn't interested in looking at her flat chest but Kondou, who was, like always, stalking her, then says he's ready to explore every part of her to find the nipple xD and Otae just punches him. Yeah that was funny. And then Tae later again comments that she can see right through Gintoki's actions and Gintoki retorts again by saying that he's not interested in her camel toe. Then this scene happens:

Kondou says he has no interest in camel toe and Tae again punches him while yelling "YOU DON'T?!"

Weird, right?

I know, it was weird for me too! But what can I say, these short details were what made me feel like maybe, JUST MAYBE, Tae has a thing for Kondou. Just look how offended she is. I know Kondou didn't mean to disrespect her neither was he rejecting her but I think Tae feels like he is. And so she goes like "what do u mean u don't?! Don't you love me!?" Even if it was just a sexual reference, it made me think that maybe, Hijikata was right. She does try to play hard and that there is something.

Then came the love choriss arc and I got a major hint.

How Sayaka-chan was Kondou's virtual girlfriend and how he introduced her to everyone in the Shimura residence. Yup then this happens.

This was stupid and weird and funny and my Kontae heart screamed "YER JEALOUS TAE!"

Just look at her going all dramatic while getting worried about Shinpachi. Well, of course she'll be worried about Shinpachi's well being and how her brother is just drowing into his own virtual world but Why. Throw. Kondou's. Game? If she really doesn't feel anything for him then there's no reason for her to throw Kondou's game. Why not let him stay in his own virtual world with his own virtual girlfriend? What were you planning, Sorachi-sama?

It was the very first time when it looked very evident to me that Tae has something for Kondou deep inside. That whole dramatic scream "THIS CAN'T BE!" just after Kondou introduced Sayaka-chan. I listened to that dialogue very closely and it first started with Kondo introducing her then Gintoki saying something like you're in this shit too? And soon was followed by Tae's dramatic "this can't be! Is Shin-chan going to be like this too!?" while throwing Kondou's game out and Kondou screaming "Sayaka-chan!!"

Tae's jealousy is still a mystery here but I still feel like, somewhere she was.

Moving on!

They went out on a date, which was a disaster and then alongside Kyubei in the Beam Saber arc, how Kondou fought for Otae I started to feel a lot more from Kondou's side. Yes. The stalking is a running gag but Kondou's feelings were given more comedic effect rather than highlighting it in a very serious tone. But that's how Sensei does his work. Gintama is supposed to be funny and this ship is supposed to be funny and I really wasn't expecting any intense and serious Kontae moment in the series.

Well, Sorachi-sama proved me wrong. AND I THANK HIM SO, SO VERY MUCH!

The Genderbender arc came, Kyubei is now this handsome hunk and Tae is blushing furiously and Kondou is this blond bombshell which is his too good! It's been shown over and over again that even if Kondou is a stalker, he just wants to see Otae happy. That's what he always wanted even if he isn't the reason for her happiness. When Jyubei and Tae starts meeting frequently, Kondou comes and encourages Jyubei to stop worrying about other and enjoy himself with Tae. He even says that he's happy with just being her friend and I think this proves how much he cares for her. He gives them those movie tickets telling he actually wanted to ask her out but now that he's like this, can't be with her like the way he always wanted to and now Jyubei is the only one who can take care of her. He was genuinely hurting but what matters most to him is Otae and so he leaves them while saying "if you make her cry, I'll arrest you". Even Kyubei later mentions it that it was him who was hurting and crying and he just happily sacrificed Otae so that she can be happy.

Then came the roach motel arc and OTAE WEARS THE KIMONO THAT KONDOU GAVE! Yes, not in the episode but in opening 15 she does and even in the manga cover! Ah..the feels. Well, coming back to the point, this episode was basically everybody bullying Kondou but the good part here was the ending of this episode. Kondou knowing that he was getting bullied and that Tae was a part of all this but he still says "that's how Otae-san is. This is what makes her, her." That was beautiful; he accepts her for who she is. He knows that she's brash and manipulative and even abusive but she's also kind and strong and beautiful; even after all her flaws he still continues to accept and love her. That's true love. And then comes Otae's part. She slowly starts to learn more and more about him, I think she knew he wasn't stalking her. And then she finally admits that she actually had fun with Kondou and that she got to see a new side of him while hugging that roach mask. She was happy to discover a new side of him, no stalking attached. I was so amazed to see this happening coz like I said, I wasn't expecting all these serious Kontae moments but these were actually happening. It was a breath of fresh air and I was really happy to see a developed relationship between these two characters which just made me ship them even more.

Then comes the love incense arc which was just....bizarre. What was Sensei thinking while writing this arc? Why would you do that to my poor kokoro!? But whatever, nothing is properly explained here, everybody is falling in love with everybody, Kondou turns gay, Gintoki just loses his senses and is sleeping with practically everybody, Tsukuyo's feelings for Gintoki starts to go havoc. But then, Tae and Kyubei comes in the picture. And they're in love with Gintoki too. But then, things change. Take turns out to be in love with Kondou! Hell, she was actually JEALOUS! Yes, it was the love incense and yes, this arc is just too crazy to explain anything properly but hear me out. What if, the love incense actually triggered some of Tae's hidden feelings for Kondou? Just like Tsukuyo's. Coz she actually saw Gintoki's dick first when she inhaled that smoke. Not him. But she ended up discovering her own feelings towards him. So what if this was the same case with Tae? We all saw that she was under the effect of that drug and was in love with Gintoki so Sensei, why this change of plans?

No answers, right? I don't have them either. It's just the little theory I came up with. What was Tae's real feelings? But soon the Shogun Assassination and the Farwell Shinsengumi arcs are followed after this.

And GOOD LORD! Sensei actually proved me wrong! By giving one of the most beautifully written scenes between these two characters.

It isn't always when Sorachi-sama actually decides to go for the romantic plot but in Kontae's case, I felt like he actually hinted a LOT. The very first ship in Gintama where I felt like no, this isn't just one-sided but actually, feelings were shown from both the sides, especially Tae. Like everyone, she misses him. But Tae remembering him like this and crying when she's about to get her neck slashed:

"A real man, a real samurai would never do something like this. That man, would never do something like this."

She knows him, she knows what kind of a man Kondou really is. And even at a time like this, Kondou is the man who comes in her mind. A true man, true police, a true samurai who not for once tried to force himself upon her. Not for once showed any kind of disgrace towards any other people or her. All this time, she comes to learn more and more about him and you know, it was worth the time.

Even Shinpachi sees it.

"I'll bring that man, and everyone, back to you for sure. So wait for us with the same old smile on your face, Sis."

Why exclude him from everybody? There has a meaning behind this and a deep one and tbh, I see a romantic meaning behind this. Shinpachi addressing Kondou like this, it was new. It's not always when Sensei uses such points to evoke a romantic gesture but when he does, it sure leaves an impact.

And this is not the last time he used such implications for KonTae. Fast forward to ep 316, Tae is at Kozenigata's place and she's now leaving. Haji and Konzenigata both tries to stop her because it was dangerous outside and the police organisation isn't working properly and she replies,

"That's exactly why police need to go back to their jobs, and cabaret girls have to go back to their job."

It's like foreshadowing their relationship- the police and the cabaret girl. And then Kozenigata just simply puts a cherry on top.

"They must have come back. Her police."

And Kondou pops out of that dustbin!

FREAKIN' POETIC CINEMA!

And then come the dialogues.

"Don't you think it's high time you stop doing this....You'll catch a cold."

"Why did you have to say that out of all days? I wish you had acted like always, called me a perverted stalker and hit me like you always do. You're....making it hard to say goodbye."

The voice acting, the dialogues, the animation, honestly everything screams romantic here. And yeah, the close-up happy-sad faces, if you've seen/read romantic anime/manga, you should know it's a shoujo trope used to display romantic feelings between two characters. And if I'm just making speculations, they're sharing the same umbrella...

Two people, especially a man and a woman, sharing an umbrella in rain is considered as a symbol of romance in Japan.

This kinda proves that romance is present in this scene.

And then finally this.

ANOTHER SHOUJO TROPE. THE CLOSE-UP EYES!

These eyes literally says it all. It's like Tae saying I'll wait for you and when you come back, I'll happily welcome you and then we can go back to those old days. Just like how Shinpachi said.

And I think, this is the very first and the only time, Sensei used this gesture. And this is just too much for me to not ignore it!

The way Kondou looks at Tae while talking to her, it almost feels like he's telling her to not look so sad. Like I've mentioned before, Kondou wants to see her smile. And i think, in this scene it's crushing for him to see her with such a sad smile on her face. That is the last thing he wants to see. That's why he said he wanted to see her react the way she always did. And Tae not acting like that and instead showing such emotions towards him, it's too overwhelming. Just think how Kondou would be feeling there. Tae seeing him off, her eyes glistening while she sees him walk away but also waits for his arrival in the near future, its simply poetic.

The reunion between these two is as funny as ever, Kontae was back in its own color. When Okita said Kondou was always okay with their usual type of setting, he meant to say that Kondou was happy in those old days. That's what he said in the FS arc, he wanted to see her in her usual self, no sad face, no crying, just a happy Otae who loves to beat the crap outta him but also respects him. Things really were pretty intense in the SA and FS arcs but I don't think Sensei wanted to continue this for long. It was like Sensei saying, we're back to the old days, happy days. The Silver Soul arc and the ongoing arc isn't as intense as these two arcs and that's what Sensei wants to say "we're back to those good ol' day". But that doesn't mean he threw away all those meaningful moments between these two; it was so heavily implied. Just because of a troll scene, one cannot disregard the whole development and say "it was never there" because of course there was something which was very much visible to the viewers/readers, even if it isn't present now doesn't mean it was all a joke or just some i-just-wrote-it-but-now-it-doesnt-mean-anything bullshit. Yeah, the ship isn't canon but that also doesn't mean it sank. I mean, Kondou is not gonna marry that gorilla anymore so....

Imo, KonTae is the only ship in Gintama where romantic feelings are implied from both the sides. It really didnt look unrequited. It's not only Kondou or Tae, it's both of them and both of them have actually shown interest in each other in a way which I won't say is completely ambiguous. The FS arc was the part where it is shown how far their relationship has come and how they have come to learn and respect each other, maybe even love each other. I'm not forcing these ideas on anybody, these are facts and I'm sure even non-shippers must have noticed these moments as well. Honestly, the romantic implications were heavy here, the scenes, the dialogues, the "Take care" which is just too beautiful to not to be ignored. Even if I don't see canon pairings happening here, I still somehow hope for this ship.

My love for Gintsu is eternal but Kontae, this is the only ship where I feel like has come a lot far. And even other characters have mentioned their relationship and in a serious note. Check all those subtle hints, pick up the whole FS arc, it's there. A relationship that started with a gag but now is fully developed where I can see loads of potential. It's a ship that's been here from the very beginning of the series and it didn't look rushed at all. Another universe of how I met your mother lol.

People can ship whatever they like and I'm really not trying to push my thoughts onto anybody here.

But KonTae, this ship is no gag or joke and it deserves more love.

It's stupid, it's hilarious, it's beautiful and it's properly developed and that's why I fell for this ship so hard.

[forthebetterevil]

my first exo concert!

just gonna detail my experience going to my first exo concert as a 1.5-year-old exol. this is the Singapore 190915 EXplOration concert, missing ksoo (my crown prince) and xiu (my second prince). (p.s. jun is my third prince so that’s why i bought his fan ---- my face when i realised i unknowingly stanned exo’s enlistment line after ksoo dropped the bomb on us: 😊🔫)

and still missing lay, of course (*rolls eyes at china*). it was a blast but i didn’t die too hard, probably because it’s just 6 of them haha. my throat still died from screaming so hard though.

in my rambling i shall cover details of the merch in the picture, and comments (babbling) on each member.

to my great fortune, i was seated in the middle of a middle block facing the stage. i didn’t want to attend the concert in the standing pen area because i prefer observing the group as a whole to being up and close with them but missing out on all the dance formations. i’m here forking over S$302 for a concert where i can’t see ksoo or xiu so... anyway even if they were here i would still prefer to sit and watch the full performance.

the black banner (which i still can’t read) was laid on every seat, and overleaf, exols were asked to hold this banner up during their ending ment. the community is really cute.

the eribong v.3 is pretty when lit up (more later). it came with the bottom right sticker set, and a random photocard. i managed to trade for a ksoo card in the end :-)

the 7th anniversary pink leather keychain is not part of concert merch, but it’s pretty so i threw it into the pic (only for this concert did i break it out of its box to attach it to my bag LOL)

[ksoo]

i got a ksoo ... vertical banner? thin poster? thing after the concert was over, when merchants were desperate to sell their unsold goods. of course there was a ton of baek yeol 5ehun jun and j0ngin merch, but i was surprised i didn’t see as much of dae than i did ksoo. perhaps dae’s merch already sold out?? anyway, i saw ksoo’s marie claire photo and IMMEDIATELY shuffled over to ask for the price, which wasn’t too bad ($5, which became $4 because the merchant didn’t have exact change)

[xiu]

i pasted a xiu name sticker on one side of the eribong, and ksoo on the other. doubles as a “yeah these are my first 2 princes″ and a “at least they’re still with me today in spirit” ... *bursts into tears*

for xiu’s merch, there was NOTHING except maybe a tiny photo of him bunched with other members’ photos. i kept asking “do you have xium1n?” *merchant who usually isn’t a fan is confused* “um... kim minse0k?” *?* “this one, *points to xiu in a group photo*, do you have?” *shows me a j0ngin pic* “ok nvm” this was extremely upsetting. but hey at least i got to see xiu in printed group photos. because...

[lay]

lay didn’t even make an APPEARANCE amongst the goods. rip xingmis. a fellow exol told me someone in the standing pen was waving a ZYX banner around though, so there’s still hope amongst the singaporean xingmis at least

[junmye0n]

i got a fan-produced jun fan before the concert because i didn’t know the venue was air-conditioned haha whoops.

during the concert, his second outfit (after the tempo perf) was a poofy white long-sleeved top and rather well-fitting black trousers/pants and lemme tell you.... HE’S PRINCE ERIC. HE’S SO HANDSOME AND HE’S SO NICE AND SWEET AND HIS ENGLISH WAS SO GOOD, LIKE, EVERYONE IS WHIPPED FOR KSOO’S ENGLISH BUT HONESTLY JUN REALLY TRIED TO COMMUNICATE TO US IN ENGLISH IT WAS AMAZING AND HE PUTS IN SO MUCH EFFORT AND HE SHOULD BE APPRECIATED MORE (and this is coming from a ksoo stan..). you have no idea how upset i was when everyone was screaming their heads off for the other 5 performing members during their little video interludes, but when jun came on screen, there were just screams. heads did not pop off. NO! WHAT IS THIS DISRESPECT AND UNDERAPPRECIATION???!!!! i screamed my head off for him but one person alone can’t make up for the difference... jun was so nice and kept waving and making eye contact with the audience, doing cute poses for us here and there, being his little awkward leader self (as SM boy band leaders seem to do...), and basically tanking the transitions between performances. christ. also he freakin CARRIED the backing vocals AND the main vocals (i mean dae and baek too but everyone already explicitly appreciates them so i don’t need to give them special mention for carrying). he is ALWAYS being slept on, and it’s just not doing him justice. what the hell. junmye0n deserves the world :-(

for his BEEN THROUGH 👀👀👀👀 performance, he told us he decided to change the shirt colour to red because he thought it would match Singapore well (or something along those lines). like. WOW????? THANK YOU FOR EVEN CONSIDERING MY COUNTRY IS WORTH NOTICING TO CHANGE YOUR OUTFIT???? i hope i’m not sounding sarcastic - it’s such a small action but i felt a little touched?? like wow, he noticed.

my binoculars was glued on him half the time. he’s so handsome and pretty at the same time. part of the reason why i still went was to see if everyone’s claims that “suh0’s pictures don’t do him justice” were legitimate because when i first saw jun′s pic (i forgot which exact one), i literally thought, “that’s the handsomest man i’ve ever seen”. so i suppose the claim depends on angles. because ALL of em look like their pictures - their GOOD-ANGLE pictures. MEANING, jun looks as good as his best photos (which tend to be the ones where he faces straight to the front), but now he looks good from whichever angle in motion. he is actually very fair-skinned too! his face was like a beacon of light.

also, in his first ment greeting us, he was such a cheeseball saying our country is beautiful... like us. JUNMYE0N PLEASE.

nearing the end of the concert HE TOLD US NOT TO CRY (along with j0ngin or yeol, can’t remember). THEY’RE GONNA SING THEIR LAST SONG, BUT IT’S NOT GOING TO BE THEIR LAST SONG, BECAUSE THEY’LL ALWAYS BE IN OUR HEARTS, RIGHT? HJAGKN;KLSKGKS :”””””(

so to reiterate: i have the biggest soft spot for junmye0n and i love him.

[5ehun]

OH, DURING ONE SONG, 5EHUN CAME OVER TO RUB HIS HEAD ON JUN’S CHEST, AND I WAS LIKE AAAWWWW!!!!! and died. but jun’s back was facing me so i more or less couldn’t see much. after the concert, i found out that  5EHUN TRIED TO LIFT JUN’S SHIRT TO SHOW HIS ABS DURING THE NUZZLE. so i revived and died again. there were a lot of other small interactions too. seho stans won tonight.

below are some of my friend’s standing pen privilege pics:

what i could see from my seat behind -

what i DIDN’T KNOW 5EHUN TRIED FOR A HOT SECOND:

seho stan: *dies*

anyway... i wasn’t paying close attention to 5ehun during group performances (other than when it was his solo dance break and exo-sc perfs), tho i felt like he wasn’t as “engaged” as, say, jun or yeol. but i thought that was normal because yaknow... he’s not very talkative, and i was probably getting that impression just from his naturally stern (rbf LOL) face. 

his dance break was COOL and his exo-sc performances were LIVELY. and when he actually gets to sing (... T_T) nothing went wrong so i thought everything was fine.

however, during one of his ments, 5ehun admitted to us that he felt bad coz he wasn’t up to standard today (because he’s sick?? translator was not doing a thorough job, i got this info from another friend), and he’s sorry. some of us were like “huh?? no?? GWAENCHANA!!!!” and the translator said he said, “no i’m not saying this just so yall will say that, if you continue i’m not gonna share my feelings like this anymore” so we all shut up.

i can’t remember if it was in that same ment, but during one of the ments, the whole time 5ehun was talking, jun was standing waayyyy in front of the line to turn his body to look at 5ehun. i think he was worried for him :”( 5ehunnie bb please don’t beat yourself up over this. my friend in the standing pen said yeah, he was pretty out of it today, he kept staring into space instead of making eye contact with fans. :-(

[j0ngin]

spEAKING of out of it, the same can be said for j0ngin. don’t get me wrong, his dancing was still otherworldly. i was looking through my binoculars to focus on the dance formation and/or jun, but suddenly i was like “wait, i’ve been looking at ka1 dancing this whole time”. IT’S SO FLUID AND SHARP AT THE SAME TIME. EVERY MOVE IS EXECUTED PERFECTLY. IT JUST DRAWS YOU IN.

... but that can only be said for some stages. i felt like his moves were not as sharp/confident sometimes?? i mean they were still graceful, but somehow it feels kinda tired???????? k who am i to judge, i’m not the one dancing and singing for 2 hours straight lmao he obviously needs downtime...

THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. unfortunately, during the ments, he also wasn’t very hyper (like hE WOULD BE WITH A CERTAIN SOMEONE.............. UGH MY KADI HEART IS ACHING). he dance-bopped around and interacted with yeol a little but that’s all. i know j0ngin is actually a shy boi but he REALLY didn’t talk much. :-(  i honestly suspect the Other Project (s*perM) is tiring him tf out.

am i hallucinating? or maybe i’m being overdramatic. i don’t know. it’s not that i was constantly following his movements like i was junmye0n’s during the concert anyway.

[baek]

he didn’t SEEM as tired as j0ngin thanks to that Other Project. his diet of CDs didn’t change, and he was still the goofball during ments / soft toy fun times. also, man, the amount of screams he got. and MAN, THE UN VILLAGE ROLLING HILLS PART..................... *GURGLES*

perhaps i’m not a baek stan, so i didn’t realise, but my friend commented that while he was not in as bad a state as j0ngin, he COULD’VE been more hyper.

I HOPE BAEK AND J0NGIN ARE RESTING WELL. Slave Management Entertainment PLEASE HAVE A HEART.

[yeol]

okay DUDES this guy was the guy who warned the middle standing pen fans to stop f*cking pushing because they don’t want to get anyone hurt. “ok everyone in the back row (of the standing pen) please raise your hands. can those who raise your hands take one step back please” ... “ok yall raising your hands but you’re not moving back” ... (him/suh0) “we have to be very wary because if you get hurt then we can’t come back”  the entire stadium collectively went “oOOOHHHH” (not in a good way)... BUT THEY STILL DIDN’T MOVE BACK. (him/suh0) “okay you don’t want to move back? then we’ll retreat to the stage behind then” *walks from from the smaller stage closer to exols back to the larger stage all the way at the front*

he was legit not happy. and goodness gracious did he have the right to be. didn’t this nonsense happen with exo-sc kfans before? and at that time 5ehun was the one who got angry.

anyway not only did they leave to continue performing the second set of songs on a bad note FURTHER AWAY, i HIGHLY SUSPECT that the other punishment was to take away one performance. WHICH WAS MY MOST HIGHLY ANTICIPATED ONE - SIGN. YEAH. THEY DIDN’T PERFORM IT. SHOOT ME NOW. THAT WAS THE B-SIDE I WAS IMMEDIATELY WHIPPED FOR ONCE THE TEMPO ALBUM DROPPED. f*ck.

OKAY ALL THAT ANGST ASIDE, he’s still the main goofball of the concert. HE TRIED TO TEACH US HOW TO DAB INTO THE INSIDE OF OUR ELBOWS. HE GROPED CHEN ON STAGE. HE... he does his job of an entertainer well. OMG. HE TOOK SOMEONE’S PHONE AND TOOK PICS/VIDS OF HIM AND SEHUN????? when i finally noticed it happening i thought he literally took his own phone out during performance/fan-interaction-time to take a selfie but then i find out after the concert that NO, IT’S NOT HIS PHONE. ... that phone case must be enshrined immediately.

also he had to take over some lines for some songs, and BOI DELIVERED. he sounded really nice singing :”)

[dae]

not only did he eat CDs while looking super cute in that blue suit, he BELTED OUT LIVE HIGH NOTES AND ADLIBS AND WHATEVER YOU CALL THEM. I’VE NEVER HEARD EXO LIVE, SO, OH MY GOD. it’s like you’re either screeching or silent because they’re performing but there were parts of dae’s performance where had to stop everything, put down my binoculars and eribong, stare into the air for a second, and literally say “wow” out loud. it was surreal. it was crazy. it got to the point where he covered one of xiu’s lines (i forgot which song), and i thought “oh wow, he sounds better singing this line than xiu” and i IMMEDIATELY felt guilty (I ONLY THOUGHT THIS FOR *ONE* OF XIU’S LINES, DON’T KILL ME)

he was quiet during the ment until his turn. when he was engaged he... engaged. haha about the members’ comments that his solo perf was a “different kind of sexy” from j0ngin, where he had only one drop of sweat. HAHA. *does lunges on stage* *gets molested by yeol*

dae’s actually really low-key. he’s like... a “good” boi. will respond well and politely but only when spoken to. what else do i say. sunshine angel. his smile is cute. CAT SMILE :3

[overall]

speaking of cats... baek asked us at the beginning of the concert: why’s the dress code white?

here’s a crappy pic from my android phone one minute before the lights were dimmed:

us: POWER!!! POWER!!!

exo: oh?? baek: does it represent the light power??

us: (loud murmurs of disagreement)

exo/baek: so you’re saying that’s not it... (discusses with members in korean) is it... the white marble???

us: (louder murmurs of disagreement)

exo/baek: hm i guess we can continue guessing till the concert is over haha

im not sure if anyone in the front rows, perhaps a korean fansite, screamed “cat” in korean, but after some discussion again,

exo/baek: (korean) some exols: *SCREAMS* translator: is it cat? exol: *SCREAMS AND WAVES ERIBONGS*

and this was the only legit interaction i feel we got with exo this concert... after having a taste of it at the start, i was subsequently kinda bummed we didn’t get to do this back-and-forth talking with exo (even at a shallow level) likely because of a language barrier. it felt so cool.

also, eribong v.3 was SUPER PRETTY WITH COLOURS. IT WAS MAGICAL, I SAY, MAGICAL.

the entire spectrum could be shown on this eribong. this pic more or less covers the softer range of colours this eribong is capable of. it can also show the harsh red, blue, green, yellow, and of course, white.

a 1-pixel screenshot of my Telegram video to my friend in the standing pen:

the boys were great, the performance was overall astounding, the lights and effects were stunning and pretty, and the time we spent together was too! short! exo also mentioned it’s a shame they could only come this one day for a concert, next time they’ll do two, no, THREE days... for their next album

exols: ganrklflm;fsklflkgsrkg

... WITH “THE REST OF THE MEMBERS”

exols: NAGJSK;NLDFNLGRS *EXPLODES*

tl;dr i love EXO with my entire heart. i count myself lucky for being alive at the same time exo is active and performing live.

[mirhacreations]

A Drop Of Petrichor~Review Blog

Since the day, I’ve finished reading #ADOP, i was thinking of writing a long review post for this masterpiece. First i thought of making a thread on twitter (which i’ll surely do later now :-p ), then i thought of making a hand written review but again dropped the idea because i my hand writing sucks :-(. So finally after dropping like 122344456 ideas, here i am with a review blog for a book which is so special & so close to my heart, the master piece by Aimmy, “A Drop Of Petrichor”.

A Drop Of Petrichor: This is a little introduction for those who don’t know what  “ A Drop Of Petrichor” is. So, its a #wattpad, written by the amazingly talent Aiman aka Aims. A books which is so simple yet so beautiful & heart-warming. Read it for once & you can’t help but fall for the simplicity of this book. No exaggerating plots, no dramatic twists, no cheesy and filmy dialogues, no extraordinary romance, that’s what ADOP is. THE ONE & ONLY. <3 I LOVE THIS BOOK SO MUCH. <3

ME TO ADOP:

COVER:

So first of all, let me appreciate this so feelsy & aesthetically beautiful cover, made by the writer herself. The soft & soothing blue coloring  & the selection of such aesthetic pictures is what i call PERFECTION, and of course this is something only our very own writer can do.Aims is multi-talented ya’ll. <3 Claps Claps for Aims <3

Characters:

Rayyan Ahmed Khan(RAK): RAK,Someone who was happy living in his dark world, all alone.Allergic to words called “feelings”, “emotions”, “relationship” & above all “love”.  But then he met her, and she make him do things, feel things which he never ever even imagined. The fact that he changed for her, just because he fell in love with her, fell her, fell deeply and then his transformation from the cynic RAK to the selfless Rayyan Ahmed Khan is something i live for. <3 Rayyan Ahmed Khan has my entire heart & words are literally not enough to describe how much i love him. <3 no matter how many books i’d read or i would read in future, you’ll be my forever favorite Rayyan. I Love You <3

“Rain was the cause of everything bad. It had always been”~Rayyan Ahmed Khan.

Noor Fatimah:

Noor, my baby, my jaan😭🤧❤️. Noor Fatimah is probably one of the most strongest & brave character i’ve ever read on #wattpad. Despite of the cruel game, her fate played with her, she remained strong & firm. Not that she didn’t break down, but she picked up her broken pieces and mend herself without the involvement of any so called HERO, which happen in every other story. she was her own hero and that was her biggest strength. My noor is precious & of course i love her as much as i love Rayyan. <3

“Rain was the cure. It has always been.”~Noor Fatimah

Haseeb & Abeer: Apart from RayNoor, Haseeb & Abeer are two characters, whom i literally ship so hard. The bonding they share was just so pure and heartwarming. Their cute talks and sweet gestures has my heart. <3 The scene where haseeb was talking about love with Rayyan and imagine that all he could associate with the word love was Abeer’s face. Abeer’s confession, his rejection and then his decision of giving them space to think abou their relationship is what which makes me fall more and more for them specially Haseeb. I’ll forever be thankful to you for writing these two cute and precious characters Aims. My Adorable Munchkins <3

“I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS HAVE. ALWAYS WILL.”

Mr. & Mrs. Khan: To be very honest, no matter how good these two character were, i’d never be able to forget what they did with my baby Ray :-( He deserved 10000000000% of their efforts but they didn’t even make 1% of effort for him. He wanted to leave them, live alone and they just let him do that. His whole childhood was ruined just because they were silent, they didn’t do anything to make him understand that he was not alone, that he has a family and their ignorance is what make him the cynic RAK. So no soft corner for them and i am not sorry for this at all. That’s it. Izma & Maheen: Two miserable yet strong & such impactful characters. I love the way you portrayed izma’s character. you didn’t make her all weak and miserable but you didn’t show her like all strong & emotionless after whatever happened to her. Andddd what to say about maheen? she is cute, sweet,adorable and my jaan. I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HER. <3 

Rohail & Zirwa: Two cute, sweet and such entertaining characters. Zirwa’s equation with Noor & Rohail’s equation with his siblings was just so soothing and adorable. Individually, they were so understanding, and entertaining & together they were so LIT. All my love to these babies. <3

Umar: A true men, a sweetheart. His love and respect for izma and maheen has my heart. I love the way he proposed izma and then waited for her patiently instead of forcing her to accept because she needed someone in her life.They deserve nothing but all the happiness and love and with each other they’ll surely get it. <3

Sarmad & Asim & Regina:

inke liye meri taraf sy bohat saari gaaliyan khud he farz kar lein.

And a very special mention to that girl who was just a distraction for RAK. Damn! I LOVE HER. <3

REVIEW:

One Word Review: MASTERPIECE.

Now lets come to the details: 😜 To be very honest, words are truly not enough to describe how much i love this book, my RayNoor & Aims’s writing skills. Starting from the little introduction, one thing or should i say one line that caught my attention and make me read this books in one was this line, “sometimes all the parched valley of heart needs is a drop of petrichor”. What an impactful line.

Aimsss.. how are you even this good with words? I CAN’T EVEN....

woiiii! ok! back to the review now. so when i started reading ADOP i thought it would be a typical story post noor’s marriage to that jerk. what my imaginary plot was that she would bumped in to him, he’d rescue her and eventually they both will fall in love but noor will keep pushing him away despite of loving him just because of her past. And then after like alot of drama, and some filmy tragic scenes they would end up together. shocked? stunned? well this was the shit i’d thought coz i am not Aims not even close. 😝😂 But no doubt that ADOP was totally different from my imaginary plot. RayNoor’s first meeting, then Noor’s stay at Ray’s home, Ray-Regina fiasco. All this was just a treat to read, so entertaining, so spicy. 😋

And then there ways parted, obviously on not so happy note and after that started the Rayyan’s realization phase, which is truly the most beautiful phase of this story. The way you’ve penned down his emotions, his feelings, his heart break and specially that realization scene at his mom’s place, PERFECTION. That’s what i call it girl. You are just amazing. its just so hard to find words that could describe how talented you are Aims. your way with words is just something else. I AM SPEECHLESS. (still i am writing this lengthy blog 😝😝😌😌😂😂) One more thing i want to add here is that Rayyan’s realization phase in ADOP reminds me of salaar and i couldn’t help think about that ghazal salaar used to listen. it just fitted so perfectly for RayNoor obviously in this phase only :-p

He realized, he tried his best to find her but couldn’t and whenever he cried for her, i cried along :-( And then when he’d almost lost all hopes of seeing her ever again, he bumped into her and how beautiful that scene was. <3

AND I DIED HERE!

From here, their journey start towards each other and how beautiful that journey was. The slow and steady progress of their relationship, the way noor slowly started trusting him, and finding her solace and safe cocoon in him was just so heart-warming and beautiful and their first hug damn. again i am at short of words. <3

Ok! now i won’t get into the details because it seems like i am leaking out the whole story here :-( Sorry :-( but i loved each and every single scene, from Rayyan’s proposal, to Noor’s acceptance, then their wedding and their relationship progress post wedding. I HEART EACH AND EVERY SINGLE SCENE. <3 They are just too precious for words. & I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THEM SOOOOOO DAMN MUCH. <3

Their bonding post marriage was just simply goals, each and every moments just make me fell more and more for them. Be it their cute banters, sarcastic talks, their little romantic moments, those nose kisses and their support for each other, everything was GOALS. JUST PERFECT <3

And not to forgot those little, sweet and precious moments of confessions:

woiiiiiii! i am so done with all the tareefs so here come some of my favorite dialogues from the book.

And the list goes on but i am ending this review here. Honestly, i still have so much to say, like i want to comment on every single line but i surely can’t do this being the lazy af. so bear with this chotu si koshish plz.  FOR THE WRITER:  Aims! I’ve said this many times, and i’ll say this again and again tht  you are multi-talented. A single adjective is just not enough to describe or praise your talent. Stay same, stay happy and keep blessing us with your masterpieces. Sending lots of love & prayers for you <3 

[taiblogcomics]

The War on Hearth’s Warming

Hey there, instant death spikes. I finally got an order in, so we can go back to letting Suicide Squad stagnate. Instead, we gotta do a bunch of My Little Pony comics all month, and this one needs to be done sooner than later. I mean, the holidays are only going to get further away and this comic less relevant~

Here's the cover:

Ah, toboganning. None of those sissy steering systems or handles. Just you, a slope of fresh powder, and a plank of wood. Also, it's way in the background, but I like Fluttershy's bunnyhat winter wear. It's a good look for her~

Location: Ponyville. Date: a short time before Hearth's Warming. Twilight Sparkle and Applejack are just about to leave a shop for the night, when the shopkeep starts putting up Hearth's Warming decorations. Yes, it seems the "every year it's earlier" thing even affects Equestria. To be fair, though, it's a crafts shop, and folks might need time to crochet a doll or something. Also, AJ's traded out her traditional hat for a green one with a white fur trim. It's just a nice detail I wanted to share. The pair of them are particularly worried about Spike and Applebloom noticing the season, since they go all silly with the holiday spirit. Cue Pinkie bursting out of their snow-dragon (which bears a strong resemblence to Ember) and announcing that Hearth's Warming is coming~

Twilight and Applejack gently remind everypony that Hearth's Warming isn't about getting presents (it's about getting good presents!) and that they have plenty of time to prepare. Cue another total coincidence as suddenly the Flim Flam Brothers ride up in a mechanical sleigh, welcoming everypony to the Hearth's Warming season. Applejack most especially is displeased to see them. Flim and Flam, of course, are all smiles and welcoming, and immediately begin using their ride to auto-decorate the nearby shops (and bill them for the expenses). They begin peddling their wares further, including an advent calendar (which has a minor dating mistake), and a set of cookies for their ultimate plan. For you see, what good is a holiday without some sort of marketable figure? You know, like how we have Santa Claus and A Christmas Story. So let me introduce you to Windy the Windigo~

And of course, Windy has a song to introduce her. Songs don't really work in comics, so we'll skip it. The gist of it is that while most Windigos are pure evil and will drop a blizzard on your face, Windy is just small enough to make the gentle snows that theme the season, and the simple act of leaving out cookies is enough kindness to repel them. And of course, you can only get just the right cookies from Flim and Flam. Not to mention a whole bunch of other fun merchandise featuring Windy, including a special holiday comic book explaining the meaning of the holiday. Buy a few bagged copies for everypony you love, as you should with all holiday comics, wink wink nudge nudge~

Twilight and Applejack are somewhat disgruntled, and lead their over-excited young charges away from the big crowd. Unfortunately, a night's sleep doesn't clear it out of their systems. Twilight wakes from nightmares of singing windigos, and Spike displays a terribly long list of Windy-based gifts he'd like to receive. Meanwhile at AJ's place, Applebloom is expressing similar sentiments to Applejack's ire. Granny Smith doesn't see any harm in letting a little kid be excited, but when a customer comes a-looking for the Windy spice cookies at the Apple family stall, Applejack snaps and breaks a barrel of her own apples. Twilight comes and collects Applejack before she can take her holiday traditionalism on actual customers~

Twilight suggests they go to a happy place, and Applejack questions if she means thinking of a sunny grove of apple trees. Twilight says no, she means a literal happy place, and takes her to a bookstore. Bookstores always make me feel happy too. But they've unfortunately picked up the retail habit of non-stop holiday music in the store, and Twilight already had all she can take of the Windy the Windigo song last night. She flees the shop and confronts the Flim Flam Brothers, cutting in line as they gloat over all the money they've made from merchandising. This is also the only time you see Rarity and Fluttershy in her cute hat in the comic. She accuses them of trying to obscure everypony from what's is important. They turn it around on her by stuffing her mouth with cookies during her complaint and calling this an endorsement.

Twilight turns it back around on them in turn, since they've credited her now with the idea of extending the Hearth's Warming season. She decrees that, in the spirit of the generosity of the season, in the spirit of Windy's gestures of kindness, she's making all Windy merch free, to the Flim Flam Brothers' horror. They've only just started turning a profit on the costs to make all their merch, so they're not into the idea of giving it away for free. And so, faced with the choice of free or flee, they pack up and run out of town. However, this doesn't result in good things. The townsfolk are now upset because of all the time they wasted waiting in line was for nothing. Some were there just to get a present for their foals. They're not heroes for doing this~

Spike, Pinkie, and Applebloom particularly call them out on their behaviour. Their attempts to adhere to a traditional Hearth's Warming has ruined their fun. And what's wrong with fun, really? Just because they all liked the stories and stuff doesn't mean they're idiots. They know the Flim Flam Brothers are trying to take them for a ride, but that doesn't mean they can't find the fun in what they're selling. Basically, they're judging them for what makes them happy, and that's not cool. The trio leave Applejack and Twlight behind, leaving them all alone in the street just as it starts to snow.

And so, later on, the rest of the Apple family, Spike, and Pinkie gather to make pies, while Applejack waits outside. Twilight stops by, since even if everypony else is shunning them, they can still hang out together. Applejack's waiting for Pinkie's family to show up. They're visiting this year, to keep anymore of their land from being destroyed. The two acknowledge they were in the wrong, and that while they respected traditions, they were pushing their opinions on others, and that's no good for togetherness. Being together is the point of the season, and it's not the time to argue ideology. The pair of them prepare to go in and apologise, but the others are already behind them, accepting it, and apologising a little in turn for getting carried away. But it's fine. Believe and celebrate however you like. The group goes inside where it's warm. Applebloom asks AJ if she thinks Windy really does bring the season's snows, and Applejack says to believe whatever she wants to believe. And it cuts up to a blue hoof and wing peeking over the clouds... Only to pull back and reveal Rainbow Dash, because who did you expect to be making it snow~?

And the last panel is a half page showing all the Mane Six and their families (including Cadance, Spike, Celestia and Luna, Starlight Glimmer, Sunburst, and even Scootaloo). It's very nice~

This is a great comic. It's probably my favourite of the holiday specials so far. Adding Flim and Flam is the perfect sort of villain for a holiday special, and the commercialisation of Hearth's Warming is a relatable story that we're all familiar with, and it's nice to see how it begins. It's an interesting story, and I like that Twilight and AJ aren't automatically in the right for driving off the Flim Flam Brothers just because they're the protagonists. It doesn't really get resolved here, though, you notice that? Twilight and AJ may have patched things up with their families, but the townsfolk are probably still out-of-sorts without the merch they wanted available. Oh well~

It also serves as kind of a nice metaphor for celebrating Christmas however you want. Just coz it's a Christian holiday doesn't make an atheist a hypocrite if they also like to get together with family and exchange presents as well. AJ's right: put that junk aside and enjoy each other's company for a day~

It's a bit late, but happy holidays to all our reader anyway~

[aquarianlights]

Still the anon about airport security. What would you do if you had to take a flight? Would you go through the full body scanner? Or if don't want to, you can opt for a pat down. You know the pat down has to be done by a officer of the same gender as yours. Would you be worried about being misgendered? I was misgendered once, so I am really unsure if it's better the body scanner putting your biological sex to avoid to find anomalies or the pat down where they could misgendered you.

Well, I’m most definitely going to have to take flights in the future. Idk when or how soon. I’m guessing it’ll be 2019 so I’m guessing they’ll not make any progress by then and they’ll not have made any advancements past full body scanners.

Just saying now, most trans people are not going to align with my views on this, but that’s perfectly fine. I have very specific views and very specific reasoning and very specific quirks. And that’s all perfectly okay. So. . .don’t worry about how weird this is all going to sound and how this is all going to be exactly opposite of what most trans people would think. Trust me when I say I am not most trans people. When I first came out about being trans on tumblr (a year or two after discovering I was trans), the LGBT community literally attacked me (trans people specifically) trying to tell me I wasn’t trans enough to be included. Lmao. So don’t worry that I’m going to be the opposite on most people. It’s not you, it’s me. Haha. I’ve come to learn that I am a seriously awesome individual and that I just have very unique quirks and that I just don’t align well with the LGBT community like majority of my fremily, who are all LGBT. Which is perfectly fine. Coz no one needs to. As long as we are all comfortable with ourselves. And as long as you’re comfortable with yourself? You don’t need to worry about being misgendered, honestly. Which is why I’m not.

But anyways. . .

If you’re asking my PERSONAL opinion like I THINK you are, like I said, on a personal level, I don’t worry about that stuff because I don’t have anxiety attached to my dysphoria like most people do. Public anxiety isn’t an issue for me and it never has been and I’m a 200% attention whore. I do worry about being misgendered but I take the opportunity to correct everyone and anyone I see as long as it’s not medically oriented. And since this isn’t a medical issue, I would already have been correcting them from the start and if someone dared pulled an attitude with me (ESPECIALLY a police officer), I’d be talking over them. As I normally do. I correct people on my gender already unless I want something from them (ie; I’m not really outing myself to my professors at school until I can feel around on whether they’re transphobic or not unless they specifically ask. I only make sure to correct them on my name. As for pronouns, I’m only going to tell them about it eventually. Whereas, in a PUBLIC situation where I will only be seeing these people once and it’s a one-time incident? Nbd).

I mean, I’ve seen that people normally tend to dwell on bad social interactions. You mention that you’ve been misgendered once as though you remember in vivid detail this one instance. I just don’t get those effects from negative social interactions. It’s generally intimate, private, negative interactions that have vivid memories for me. I don’t tend to really have vivid memories of negative, public interactions because they don’t stick with me and I think I have less than zero amount of social anxiety. I’m less than neurotypical when it comes to social anxiety. I’m whatever the opposite of social anxiety is. I enjoy the spotlight. I don’t tend to ENJOY it persay in a negative way but I’d rather have it than not have it. I don’t want the spotlight BY CHOICE. But I want it... by chance. If you get what I’m saying? Idk how that exactly works. So if I get picked out for a pat down... I guess that’s all the better?

As for pat-downs...Well, I’m a 200% brutally honest person so here we go. If a male officer were called to pat me down, I would have a hard time not having a breakdown. I have had so much sexual assault and rape history that has lead to PTSD and panic disorder that even if I didn’t have a female officer, I would request one and wait for one. If I had to have a male, I would specifically request that he not be white. All of the males that have sexually assaulted me have been white cis males (and to my knowledge, heterosexual or claiming to be bi and lying about being bi to manipulate me).

Also, if you know anything about me and have followed me for even 2 seconds, you know I’m the brattiest of all brat subs. And I quite enjoy toying with my dommes. So if a female officer were to just COME to me, it would make things a LOT easier, because then I would be able to just automatically avoid all the flashbacks and heart racing and feelings of fear that would flood back from PTSD. And I wouldn’t have any of that to deal with so I would be able to be my normal self and would be able to toy with her and tease her like I normally would and enjoy myself. If you’ve followed me for 2 seconds, then you’ll also know I’m ace. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. But I do appreciate the female form and I am romantically attracted to females. I consider myself biromantic (or panromantic, I really don’t know) because occasionally there’s a male or other person thrown in there, but it’s heavily leaning towards females. Always has been. But I quite enjoy when females of authority pat me down because it brings out my bratty side and gives me the chance to make snarky remarks and toy with them under my breath and it’s just a lot of fun for me, tbh.

This is all my personal opinion, though. I’m really not your average transguy, as you can probably tell. I’m quite the opposite and no one should ever follow my lead coz I’m a bad example. I mean... I’m your typical brat sub but I’m not your typical person. Like I’ve said many times before, I live the bdsm lifestyle, but I’m not a sexual person because I’m ace. I’m not into bdsm sexually at all. I just live the lifestyle. Which a lot of people don’t understand unless, y’know, they’re in the lifestyle, too, either both sexually/fully or just fully.

I get misgendered on the daily so it’s all part of daily life for me. It’s part of the norm right now. When getting misgendered becomes odd for me---I mean, really odd---then, we can talk. But that probably won’t be for long down the HRT line if it’s all even safe to do what we’re talking about and, er, whenever BRCA testing gets done and the state can pay for my surgery. But that’s hopeful thinking. I doubt if we try out what the doctor and I are talking about, it’ll work. I don’t wanna give out details because if I type it out, I will get my own hopes up and I don’t wanna do that. Coz when I get defeated and have to continue doing what I’m doing, that’ll be really sad. And BRCA testing will probably come back positive, but even if it does, I won’t have the time to go through with the surgery until, er. . .who knows when. :| The only thing that will happen FOR SURE is a name change. Maybe one day I can do what my doctor and I are talking about, but probably not. Ergh. I don’t wanna get my hopes uppppp. Do not want. But if my BRCA test comes back positive, at least I can keep it in my file so that I have it as evidence.

But honestly?

The machine wouldn’t bother me and a surprise pat down wouldn’t bother me. I’m 200% comfortable with how other people see me and how I hold myself. And I’m ALMOST comfortable with how I see myself. Almost. . .

You know what WOULD bother me? A strip search. You know why? Because it’s EXTREMELY uncomfortable to take my binder off. I even wear a sports bra to bed. I take super short showers simply because it’s uncomfortable to not have something binding the girls down. They’re fucking annoying. I barely have a B cup. BARELY. They don’t even really fit into B cups, but they’re slightly too large for A’s. But they don’t fit any A’s. So it’s hard to judge. But then again, any bra that isn’t a sports bra is too loose, imo, coz I’m wearing a binder as long as I can all day, but I wear a sports bra at night. I mean, ever since I started wearing training bras, I started wearing bras to bed. You know what’s also uncomfortable for me? People seeing my belly. That bothers me. That scares me to death. Because of my parents growing up. Which is why I turned to ana when I was a child and didn’t even know what ana was and still keep ana in my life. But having to take my shirt off in front of someone and not cover my tummy with my arm? That terrifies me. Hell, even when I’m sitting down or laying down, there’s always a pillow or blanket or stuffed animal or SOMETHING over my tummy. Even when I’m driving, I keep a jacket or something in my lap simply because it bothers me to not have pressure on my tummy. The only time I don’t have something is when I’m walking, working, exercising, or taking a test. Even when I’m sleeping, I have a long stuffed animal that I keep between my legs that I keep up close to my tummy that I keep pressed to myself because it scares me to not have pressure on it. Because of my parents. Again, thing in the shower. And also why I hate summer. Fucking can’t do layers that help with that feeling of pressure that helps keep my parents voices in my head at bay.

So THAT is the only thing that would bother me. A strip search. A pat down and a machine? Nah. Wouldn’t bother me for reasons stated above.

That is all going on the fact you just asked my personal opinion, yes? At least, that’s how I read it. I’m hoping I explained that thoroughly enough that it all made sense.

I know all my reasoning is kind of weird and I have very, er... specific reasoning for every little thing but. I tried to explain everything without going into too much detail. So, uh... yeah. Not gonna apologize for being me, but I am aware that I am a very specific character with very specific quirks about me and that most other trans people are not going to align with my views on this. And that’s perfectly okay.

[aquarianlights]

Are you okay? I wish I could be there for you to help you more, if you need anything please let me know

Idk if this is someone I know or not (I private messaged you about that coz I have a friend who is constantly changing his unsername and this would be a VERY appropriate icon and username for him), but nonetheless.........

I really, REALLY appreciate this message.

I haven’t been drunk in years, I believe. I get tipsy every now and then. But never drunk. Alcohol isn’t something I enjoy. At all.

Anyone who takes psych medications knows exactly why and I won’t have to explain that.

Nonetheless, I did. And it was, of course, terrible. Due to psych meds. Again, anyone who takes them knows why. But everything before that was.... a nice flashback to when I was a stupid kid and a stupid alcoholic.

And it turned me into a mess of emotions which...I am not an emotional guy usually. I USED to be. I mean, hell, look at ANYTHING on my blog prior to...oh, say, 5 months ago? Maybe 4? Maybe 6? I’m not sure how long it’s been, but. Nonetheless.. Anything that is not associated with the name Killian and is not associated with the name Killian AFTER I got my full diagnosis on this blog.....you will CLEARLY see I was initially a robot/Vulcan with NO emotions that sprung into a little emo boy with a INFLUX of emotions who just... spiraled into what borderline personality disorder really is...and fell into the category of the extreme outlier of BPD like I was meant to be all along and like I have learned to live happily with and like I have learned how to deal with.

SO

I don’t normally just....Idk.

But these past three days, now 4, have just..... I mean, man. I told my irl friends that if I got to the point of relapsing where it became a problem again...or if anyone say ANYTHING becoming a problem again....to PLEASE hold an intervention for me and that I would NEVER react like I did in the past to everyone who tried over and over to give me drug and alcohol and self harm and suicidal related interventions. It always went terribly because I was a brat and thought I knew better and had anger issues that I didn’t know I had.

Well, I told them in full detail that I would, for the first time in my life, be receptive to what they had to say, whether it be in person, in a video chat, in a group chat, via letters, emails...whatever... But that if it got to a point where I was out of control, that I needed help. And I trusted them to know the signs before I did because they ALWAYS have.

Maybe my catastrophic thinking is getting in the way and I’m just being paranoid? Maybe it’s not a problem. 

Or maybe I really have pushed my pretty expansive circle of good and best friends so far away that they only care and throw me a bone of hope when I’m literally on the verge of dying.

I always have to either be dying or already dead for them to care and throw me that bone of hope. That’s been proven with them. Normally, I’d have cut people like that out in 2 seconds flat. No questions asked. But this isn’t...normal for the people I’m referring to. Certain people I did cut out in 2 seconds flat like BYE. But the others.... it isn’t normal and I know there are certain major things happening and we are ALL at a very pivotal point in life..... but that doesn’t mean you just abandon your packmates. Your long distance ones, your fremily, or your new packmates. Your packmates are bonded for life, even if they leave your life, and you do not just cut them out and if they are doing the things they are doing...there is a reason for it and I will not cut them out until I hear an explanation as to why, whether it be a reason, an excuse with a justification, an excuse by itself, or an “I don’t have any excuse or reason or justification for why I’ve been neglecting you”. I just need to know WHY before I cut them out. And depending on what they say...they may not get cut. I mean, if it’s anything other than what I, personally, deem as a reason (other than one person who has the privilege of having ANY of the things I listed after and I would wholeheartedly respect any of those answers if he gave them to me, which I know he straight up would as he never lies to me and never would), you’ll be cut out. If you can convince me it is a reason, then okay. If I don’t see it as a reason and I want you to convince me it is a reason and you say you don’t feel like it and it’s not worth your time, then I damn well know it’s NOT a reason and that cutting you out is definitely the right choice.

But cutting any one of them out would hurt like hell. But I will not do it without hearing an explanation first, because they are all packmates. And when you’re a part of the pack, you do not get cut off by the pack. But I will come to your house, if you are long distance from me, and personally rip your pack mate necklace from your neck. If you are no longer a part of our pack. Because our code is if someone is wearing the pack necklace...we know we can trust them.

And I want to implement something further with the necklaces (as I have multiple packs so multiple necklaces) to where if one of us is in danger or need to send a message, they can send someone with one of our pack necklaces or a picture of the necklace and we won’t say a word and keep the secrecy until they show us the necklace without saying a word themselves and we will all silently know what it means. If they start to ramble about what it means, then we automatically know they’re faking and they have done something to our packmate...and we seek vengeance.

It sounds like a cult or a gang. But it’s not.

The way you become a pack member is just....by trust. And not in a gang or cult way. It’s literally just.... all of us in said pack (whichever pack) somehow come to meet you (usually and hopefully separately) and somehow we end up mentioning your name to another pack member and the other pack member goes “Oh hey I just met x the other day! They seem really cool. You met them, too???” and I go “Yeah! I met them the other week! We talked about blah blah blah....” And then suddenly another pack mate comes home and is doing dishes in another room and hears their name and goes “Wait...are you talking about x? I know that person.” “Wait what? How?”

And then after a few months, suddenly the whole pack knows them...and suddenly they start to join the group...suddenly we all start hanging out...and we start to get tight.... and we all (INDIVIDUALLY) assess whether they can be trusted or not. And it doesn’t take just months or whatever to join our packs. It takes literal like...YEARS of trust building. And it’s simple...y’know... actions, verbal....just hanging out, in groups, individually, relationships developing, etc etc etc.... and then one night suddenly the pack is talking and someone brings up, a year or so later, “Hey.... you guys think we should invite x into the pack?” We all grab our pack necklaces around our chest where the emblems hang. All look at each and shrug. “Sure. I mean. We can certainly sit em down and tell em about us and our values and what our pack means to us and how they can be a part of us if they want to and we can get them a necklace.”

It just....happens. Randomly. And there’s no real ceremony or anything. There’s no....ACTUAL pecking order but there is a little bit of a hierarchy in one of my packs. It’s basically just a bunch of us as friends just KNOWING that we can rely on each other and trust each other with our lives and love each other unconditionally and talk to each other about anything at any time and basically just... protect each other and stand up for each other BUT ALSO tell each other when the other is being stupid and correct bad behaviours and just....

THE PACK IS TO CREATE A COMPLETELY SUPPORTIVE, 100% PURELY POSITIVE ENVIRONMENT THAT SUPPORTS EVERYONE’S DREAMS, GOALS, ASPIRATIONS...AND EVERYONE IN THE PACK DOES EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER TO HELP EVERYONE ELSE IN THE PACK ACHIEVE THEIR DREAMS NO MATTER WHAT. That is mainly what our pack is for. The necklaces just help us have.... long distance... coz we’re away from each other a lot coz of hectic schedules. Me and another one of us especially. And ESPECIALLY with my long distance packmates. So we can wear them and touch them at any time and always be connected.

And I really want to suggest that method of using the necklace as a symbol of sending a messenger or an outsider to other pack members to tell them that they can trust said person with any information they have to give and that everything they say and do is legitimate and verbatim to what whoever pack’s necklace (as they’re usually all unique to us in some way/colour/shape/form) said/did.

THE REASON I’m elaborating on my packs is that.............

The people who are neglecting me......

Are these people. Our blood runs through each others veins. We are people who have all been abandoned and/or abused by our families.....so we have made our own. As a pack. As a friend family. As a fremily.

Which everyone should have....but ours runs deeper than most peoples. And most people don’t understand that. And most people don’t understand that when I’m wearing a necklace......it’s not JUST a necklace. Everyone is all “Ooooo what a nice pendant you’re wearing, dearie! Where did you get it?” And I just look at them, aghast, saying “I do NOT have the time to explain that.” And walk away while they look appalled at my “rudeness”. Lmao. I could just say “I don’t know” but that is disrespecting our emblems to me. So I can’t do it.

THE REASON I WENT IN DEPTH ON ALL OF THAT AND TOOK THE TIME TO DO THAT .....is to explain why NORMALLY.... I can cut out just about anyone, no matter how near and dear to my heart they are or how long they’ve been in my life (aka parents LMAO) or whatever they’ve done for me or whatever this and that blah blah blah.

But my packmates I will NEVER *just* cut out. Ever. An explanation will come first before I cut them out...if that even happens.

Again, this is a HUGELY pivotal moment for us all....... and I’m not there with a certain pack (my main pack) I’m having problems with to see it in person. The other packs I’m having issues with.... I’m not sure if they’re having pivotal moments, actually, because they’re not only neglecting me, they’re practically ghosting me. Which is not okay. But it goes both ways. I haven’t exactly been texting them either. But why haven’t I been texting?BECAUSE I HAVE SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE TO TEXT THAT I JUST POST MASS UPDATES ON EVERY FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA SITE I HAVE AND C/P SO THAT EVERYONE CAN FOOKIN SEE IT GODDAMNIT. I’m not gonna c/p the same message to like a million people over and over and over on my phone. I’m just not. I’m going to C/P on my major social media sites where everyone is and tag them if necessary.

And the fact I am being neglected and sometimes ghosted consistently ever since becoming physically disabled...and being SHAMED by my pack when I say that I’m not loved when I’m standing on a ledge ready to jump with only my phone to save me..... and then being p much ghosted by them for the remainder of ....well...until I’m right back on that ledge.... PROVES that I either have to be dying, in the hospital, or already dead for them to take me seriously, which I EXPECT from everyone else in the world because that is shitty human nature which shouldn’t be a thing, but is. But from my pack? My fremily? My inner circles? That doesn’t fly. No. Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I am not a different person just because I am physically disabled. Yes, okay, maybe I am actually.... I have become a lot more aggressive. And IF IT’S POSSIBLE, I have actually become MORE outspoken (is that possible? lmao) and I have become much louder and I am WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY more confident in my abilities than ever before.

But the fact that I am now HAPPY and can control my breakdowns and have healthy coping mechanisms and know how to healthily take care of myself........... THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU ABANDON ME. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE IN MY INNER CIRCLE AND I AM AT MY DEEPEST, DARKEST POINT IN LIFE.

Stagnancy is my biggest killer (hence why everyone has always tried to push me towards trauma surgery since I was old enough to be held in the lap of nurses in the overview seats of the OR watching room places when I was a wee lad waiting for my mom to get off work coz I always wanted everything to go fast fast fast and wanted to be an animal doctor and loved playing with blood and thought organs and stuff were cool and had a lot of questions but was so convinced I was gonna be an “animal doctor [veterinarian]” that i was adamant not to take any of their years and years of pushing medical training on me as a child growing up in hospitals running around the ER.... ahh, the 90′s were a simpler time. Lmao). Stagnancy comes with being chronically ill and in chronic pain. And when your doctors FUCK your medications up.........and you’re literally FORCED to be house bound........ and your roommates are up and out whenever they damn well please because yknow... THEY CAN..... (fucking able bodied people piss me off).....you can do nothing but relapse. Over and over and over again.

And one morning you wake up and wonder “Why the FUCK are both my benzos AND my pain killers EMPTY!????” and you’re frantically calling your doctors and every dealer you know.... And no one can help. No one can help.

And you’re housebound until the 23rd. Unable to even get the 3ish miles down the road to the wonderful little niche coffee shop you love to just study and do your schoolwork like you normally do.....so you try so hard to just....no more relapsing...no more slicing yourself to shreds.... no taking all those pills pumped full of potassium (which is a part of the lethal injection process) that you’re prescribed and overdosing on every single one of them. NO giving in. No becoming an alcoholic again. No quitting your medical studies just because you’re TRAPPED indoors. No quitting life just because you’re obese and you HATE yourself because you can’t FIX IT because you are TRAPPED. No more......

I have one person left to push away from me. I have managed to ostracize myself...... from everyone else. On purpose. I did it on purpose. I did so well, too. I really pulled that one off so well that even one of my two platonic soul mates fell for it. And now I’m left with one singular person holding on... and I need her gone so I can FINALLY say, TRUTHFULLY AND HONESTLY.... that “Yes. Everyone DID give up on me. And yes... everyone DID leave me. And no. NO ONE that matters who was that close to me, which is quite a good handful of people, even tried to help me after one point. And yes, I CAN tell you that exact date. And yes..... it is all written right here...in this suicide note.”

And that’s how I want it to be. But she won’t leave. But she’s also not giving me what I need to keep holding on. Which is not her fault. I don’t expect that from her or anyone. I need to give MYSELF that. But.... For fucks sake, I normally bounce back within 24 hours after a SERIOUS breakdown and a relapse. This is day 4... and I’m still on a downhill spiral. Not as badly as yesterday. I feel like I pulled myself up and last night and this morning were pure breaths of fresh air.... and now the downward spiral begins again.

Until the 23rd....I won’t know whether I should keep trying or stop.

Until the 23rd, I WILL keep trying because I did not raise myself to be a fucking quitter and I push myself 200% every single day otherwise I DID NOT do that day correctly and need to give 400% the next day. So until I find out what the prognosis is on the 23rd...... it is still the 200% every day, DESPITE the constant suicidal depression I feel that I NEVER thought would return. This lethargy and apathy brought on by stagnancy and being trapped in here and unable to leave because of my own BODY................................. is...... could be the end of my life.

But that’s a genuine reason for euthanasia. I will NEVER understand why humans are pro-euthanasia for the exact same types of sufferings in dogs, but against euthanasia in the exact same type of suffering in humans. If you’re gonna free an animal from suffering, why would you FORCE a human to continue living out its life in the same?

My grandmothers Alzheimer’s has progressed so badly that last I heard, she has now lost complete motor function to the point where she cannot stay in a chair and since my grandfather has dementia and all of the nurses aids quit, my grandmother slips out of the chair and falls to the floor and lays there and doesn’t even know it the whole time and neither does my grandfather while they’re watching TV the whole time. But since my grandfather is still “alert enough” despite his dementia, he is still her power of attorney and won’t allow us to put them in a home for stupid white manly man reasons. And all the nurse aids keep quitting on my family and the suffering is unreal and I just hope to fuck they die soon. Both of them. Some of you may think that’s cruel but those of you that do....obviously have not had ANY medical training in your lives. Because I would have thought so too before medical school. In fact, I was against canine euthanasia before I went to vet tech school. WOW was I an idiot. I was against a lot of things and called myself an animal rights activist just like a lot of vegans do before I went to vet tech school and became educated on what animal WELFARE actually is compared to the horrid world of animal “rights”.....

“In order to relive pain, one must suffer first.”“They tell us to do no harm and then hand us a 10 blade and tell us to slice a patient open in the OR.”“The only way you can do no harm is by harming the patient first to make everything better.”Things like that..............are things that opened my eyes GREATLY in medical school...... to the fact that there are MANY times when people have a goddamn RIGHT to euthanasia, aka assisted suicide is what it’s called in humans. But honestly... it’s just euthanasia.

The 23rd will determine a lot.

I’m in a lot of pain. Physically....and now EMOTIONALLY to a point at which I cannot handle. And no one can do anything for me except me.

And since I am a 26 year old man... I need to learn to take care of it myself.

Because that’s what everyone wants me to do, right?

Right.

So I will obviously take care of it myself like I always do. Set a timer on my phone for however long I am allowed to break down for, cry and break down for that amount of time, when the timer goes off... get up, wipe my face clean and my arms clean, put my glasses back on, fix my hair and clothes, and go back out and face the day and do what I’m supposed to do.

As I’ve been doing for months upon months. Maybe a good half a year now. It was working so nicely....until 3 days ago.

I just don’t know what happened.... Maybe today will make it better. Maybe it will make it worse...... Who knows.

The 23rd will tell.

Thank you caring enough to send me a message. And no I am most certainly not okay. At all. Physically or mentally.But I appreciate the ask. I do. As no one cares enough to even send one nowadays. I appreciate the offer.

But I should keep dealing with things on my own as I have been this whole time. I need to learn how to better compartmentalize and detach. I was doing so well until 3 days ago. I still don’t know what happened. But.... I’m sure I will figure it out. Somehow.......I appreciate this ask. A lot. It makes me feel a little better.