#coupled with bullying I received in my early adolescence

[amlao]

Day 84 of Being Alone for the First Time in My Adult Life

Sometimes I think about the fact that I had serious avoidant/insecure attachment traits up until my mid-20’s and literally all it took to fix them was Logan and his family promising to love me unconditionally.

And it’s taken me a long time to realize it, but I think that actually says more about my strengths and abilities than it does about him.

Has that made it hard to move past him, despite the fact that he crossed boundaries in our relationship that I considered to be irreconcilable? Sure.

But like…what I gained from it was so unbelievably worth it, and it was honestly me who put in the work. I’m so proud of myself.

I read my posts from early 2015 to 2017, and see this shift of me going from, ‘I never want to love anyone fully and also have horrible self-esteem and rejection issues,’ to, ‘Holy shit, I love this person so much and it’s really fucking scary, but I’m letting myself feel and express it,’

And now, at this stage of my life, I’m in such a healthier place. I don’t regret loving Logan as much as I did, even if he ultimately lied to me and betrayed me. It didn’t make me look weak or stupid. Learning to openly love like that was rewarding. I’m glad I have the privilege of looking back on that relationship and knowing that I gave it my all. Knowing that I’m capable of growth. When I would look back at his emails expressing regret/trying to make amends, he repeatedly mentioned that one of the things he missed most about me was that the way I looked at him made him feel more deeply loved than anyone ever has…and reading that has never made me feel anything other than proud. I have the capability to love an enormous magnitude, I did love him an enormous magnitude, and I’m so proud of myself for having the strength to convey it instead of stifling it for some twisted form of self-preservation.

Those strengths didn’t leave me when I left that relationship. It doesn’t have to be him giving the love—simply knowing that there are people out there who will transparently, earnestly, and repeatedly express their love for you; who will pull you closer when you try to push away; and can make you feel secure the way I did in the better half of that relationship…that’s enough to make me want to change.

After seeing that Brad was home in KC on Snapchat for several weeks, I reached out to him and told him that I wasn’t mad about my birthday three years ago, that I’d love to see him but would also understand if he wanted to keep his space if that’s where he feels more comfortable, and that regardless, I’d always cherish our friendship and be rooting for him. Was he kind of a bad friend to me? Yes. But I also wasn’t always the best to him, and I don’t want him to think that there’s standing resentment between us. I’m not doing anyone any favors by holding a grudge for him flaking. He’s the one who has historically struggled with feelings, and I can afford to be the bigger person.

As I left Veronica’s after we booked our upcoming trip to New Orleans, she sent me off with a, ‘Byee, love you!’

‘Love you too!’ I yelled back, only slightly hesistantly, immediately remembering the story she told me of her grandmother, unused to such blatant displays of affection, responding to ‘I love you, grandma!’ with an uncomfortable and bewildered, ‘Well, alright,’

I’m getting used to expressing love. Slowly and surely and not always romantically, I’m getting used to it.

[rckfllrs-blog]

☁ * ⋆ : aw, look at this photo! it’s ORION ROCKEFELLER with their family! they’re an ARCHITECT, right? this photo must have been before HIS SON WAS BORN, but after HE RENOVATED ROCKEFELLER MANOR. i heard that when they were younger, they used to DRAW/PAINT – i can’t imagine them doing that now! man… i wonder if their family knows they ARE SUFFERING FROM UNDIAGNOSED PTSD. ( c, 18, pst. )

hellllooo everybody! i’m c ( the shawn mendes mascot on the main ) and this is my dorito of a muse, orion rockefeller. i’ve been working him up in my mind ever since we started working on goldstone and i am so freakin’ hyped to be able to finally write him with u all <3 so pls, keep reading for some info about him! ( and buckle up, bc it’s kind of a wild ride! )

tw: death, mentions of ptsd.

orion was born on february 14th, 1979 which makes him an aquarius, and also a valentine’s day baby

he's a GIANT goofball. ever since college, he's always been sort of a social butterfly and a people pleaser

genuinely one of the most caring people on the planet??? as a kid he'd get into fights with bullies who were picking on the smaller kids

has the DEEPEST divide between his private and public life. even his own son is mostly unaware of his childhood/background

he's an architect, and designs buildings/infrastructures for communities and stuff like that. he's won tons of awards for his work and travels a lot for conferences and things like that

his mother passed away during childbirth, so he never got to meet her, but her name was emily rockefeller ( originally adams ) and from what his father told him about her, she was a lovely, kind, but passionate woman and she would’ve loved him fiercely. ( his father also often told orion when he was being particularly stubborn that orion reminded him of emily, and that he has her eyes. )

his father was james “jimmy” rockefeller, a decorated US airforce pilot. he was also a descendant of the rockefeller family ( if you’re not from america/not too versed in american history, the rockefellers are considered the richest family in american history — john d. rockefeller was a stupid wealthy man! )

growing up without a mother was difficult, but he and his father were extremely close, and james made sure that he was close with his mother’s family, especially her sister and her parents. as for his paternal family, he didn’t know much about them growing up, besides the fact that he’s distantly related to america’s first millionaire. he was also pretty close with a lot of his father’s friends from the military and their children as well.

orion had a relatively normal childhood, save for the slight melancholy around mother’s day every year. his father did his best to deter him from any sort of toxic masculinity, and made sure he was getting the best education possible. when his father was away on assignment, he was usually in the care of his mother’s sister. he rarely got into trouble at school except for the occasional fight when he’d stick up for the smaller kids who were getting picked on.

his father was rarely away on assignment, maybe only once or twice, and when he was he usually returned within a few months. in the summer of 1990, he was deployed to iraq to serve in the gulf war, and he promised orion it would be his last deployment.

in february 1991, when orion was about to turn twelve, his aunt picked him up early from school one day, and said they were going to see one of his father’s military friends. orion thought it was odd, but he wasn’t going to complain — what kid doesn’t want to leave school early? when he got there, the home was full of people he didn’t recognize, all with solemn looks on their faces. his aunt had to turn away as they bore the news.

that afternoon, one week before he turned twelve, orion learned that his father had passed away. he was spared the details, but learned later in life that the plane he’d been piloting had been shot down in a freak ambush.

orion doesn’t remember much of the next few years of his life. they were a blur of a young boy learning how to mourn all over again, and trying to grow up at the same time. at first, he was placed with his mother’s sister, but as a traveling artist, she was deemed unfit to care for him. he was then sent to a distant uncle on his father’s side somewhere in rural Iowa who treated him like he wasn’t even there. orion attempted to run away twice, and succeeded on his third try when he made it all the way to chicago. he survived there, somehow, for a few weeks before he was found by a few federal agents — lo and behold, his uncle ( who probably wasn’t even his uncle, but orion doesn’t remember ) refused to take him back. so, orion, at the age of fourteen, was put in the foster care system.

on paper, nobody would’ve wanted him. riddled with the deaths of his parents and a habit of running away, coupled with the fact that he missed the “desirable adoption age” by about thirteen and a half years, most people didn’t even want to try. the ones that did, decided he would be too difficult to handle after they met him and saw the cold isolation in his eyes, and the stubborn set to his jaw.

he was moved from foster family to foster family over the next four years, all over california, and had been re-placed five times by his eighteenth birthday. but all the while, he managed to get through school and save as much money as he could, selling five-minute portraits in downtown LA and getting small gig jobs here and there. by the time he turned eighteen, he was determined to have enough to go to college — or at least move out on his own and finally do something on his own volition for once.

little did he know, someone would come knocking on his foster home’s door asking for him a few days after he turned eighteen. they represented the rockefeller estate, and they wanted to have a chat with him about his father.

james had left him his entire estate. all of it. every penny, everything he’d ever owned, all of his mother’s belongings — and on top of it all, the massive manor passed down through the rockefeller family located just at the edge of goldstone, california. his hometown.

he used some ( a relatively small portion ) of the money to accept his offer at university of california, san diego as an architecture major, and was at the top of his class there all the way up until he graduated as part of the class of 2001.

in his junior year of college, like any other guy, he slept around a bit, and thought nothing of it — up until a girl he’d slept with months ago approached him in the middle of his senior year and told him she was pregnant. she didn’t want to keep it, but it was also too late to terminate the pregnancy, so she was thinking of putting the baby up for adoption. immediately, memories of his entire adolescence flooded back to him, and he begged her not to — instantly, he offered to take full custody of the child, and she could visit whenever she wanted, if she wanted to at all. she agreed, and lo and behold, branwen rockefeller was born. ( he named him branwen after somebody his father had told him about when he was a kid — he doesn’t remember the story, or if he was related to him, but he remembered the name. )

he then went on to pursue a masters in architecture, and his main project was actually renovating the rockefeller manor — obviously, after 22 years of being owned by a bank, and many years before that of no upkeep, it needed some renovation. orion spent his entire MA studies renovating it and actually presented the whole process to receive his masters degree, which he did.

he spent the next few years traveling — with branwen by his side, they’d stay in goldstone for most of the school year, but every chance they’d get to take a vacation, orion would take them somewhere he’d always wanted to go as a kid.

finally, in 2014, when branwen was starting high school, orion figured it would be a good time to completely settle down in goldstone, stop travelling so much and pour his attention into the one thing he’d left unfinished — the manor. it wasn’t unfinished from a construction perspective — it was stunning actually, fully furnished with a gym, a home theater, countless bedrooms, and fully ready to be lived in — but for orion, there was one thing he’d always wanted to do when the timing was right: give kids who felt lost a place to call home. give kids who were like him, back in the day, a place to call home.

so that’s what he did. he spent months gathering the proper licensing and credentials to finally open rockefeller manor to the public. he’s a licensed social worker now, and rockefeller manor offers a place to stay to anybody between the ages of fourteen and twenty one, so long as they display a significant need for help. ( orion often ends up taking the “tougher cases” — the ones with nowhere else to go. and sometimes, kids just show up on their own, nobody to represent them — and who is he to turn them down? )

now, he divides his time between architectural projects for work ( he’s designed countless buildings all over southern california, and is incredibly busy designing new projects all the time ) and taking care of the manor, whether that be the kids that live in it or the building itself.

( as for his secret, he’s experienced symptoms of ptsd ever since his dad passed, but never really knew what it was. it worsened when he began moving around, unable to ever really call one place home, and now that he’s completely boxed away the memories of his adolescence, he’s completely compartmentalized it and honestly made it worse whenever he does get around to thinking about what he’s been through. he’s also never told anybody about his background -- the furthest he’ll go is that his father was an air force pilot, and he grew up in goldstone. he’s always just tried to push through it and ignore it, but when he’s under significant stress or there’s a lot on his plate, he’ll tend to shut down or even spiral into a panic attack. he keeps himself so busy because he can’t be by himself for too long, as his past has drilled into him an innate fear of being alone. during these episodes, he’ll often shut himself in his office with the door locked until it passes, terrified that one of the kids will see him like this — too stubborn to let any of them, especially the ones who look up to him, see him as weak. )

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

obvs, the kids from the rockefeller manor !! he's definitely a parental/paternal figure to them and runs a pretty tight ship to keep everybody in line, but he also knows when it's time to just let them be.

childhood friends?? he lived in goldstone until he was twelve and then disappeared after his father passed until he was in his thirties, essentially. so it would be interesting if there was somebody who knew him as a kid and can see the huge difference in him now (he used to be really irreverent and rambunctious and is now a Certified Gentleman)

his personal assistant !! this one is on the wc page on the main, but he has an assistant that helps him organize his work as an architect. they're probably the closest person to him other than his own son, so maybe they've caught glimpses of his ptsd episodes??

friends!!! he def has a lot of friends around town, he's a pretty familiar face throughout goldstone

perhaps??? a past love interest??? he swore himself off from dating after he had branwen, at least for a while, bc he wanted to focus on being a dad and taking care of the manor, but uh .... love doesn't work like that buddy pal ! hehe

literally anything else i am a heaux for plots

[dalhousiediaries]

A Suicidal Rant.

♪ Currently listening to: Playlist: Café montréalais by Spotify ♪ 📚 Currently reading: A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki 📚 

Writing about suicide has never come easy for me.  

Or maybe it has, since every time I sit myself down to write about something, that’s the first thing that comes to mind.  Perhaps I’m fascinated with death and the idea of the paradoxical “life-after-death” belief so many people possess.  But, who hasn’t thought about death once in their lifetime?  I’m no exception.

I’ve been really thinking about this topic, whether to post it up on this blog (dalhousiediaries) or whether to start up a new blog entirely, a new personal blog to post content with topics like this, whenever I feel the urge to write about something philosophical or I guess, whenever I feel the powerful urge to write the deep thoughts that linger in my mind.  The unspeakable content that rests only in the deepest and untampered portions of my brain.

Personally speaking, as a child I never really thought about the afterlife, or what would happen to me after death.  It seemed so laid out to me, almost mechanical.  People would mourn, a funeral would be held, a celebration of life that has passed, and then I guess, people would get over the fact that I was no longer breathing on this planet, in this world, living in this time. However, as I grew older, that changed.  Not the actual process aforementioned, but the sociological and the emotional process of “getting over someone”.  I say this because I’ve felt this firsthand.  

Living in Halifax, being separated from my family and friends back home was basically like dying socially.  I was no longer present to take part in hangouts, physically be there to make new memories and the only way people could interact with me was through the Internet.  You’d think a lot of people would contact me and at least, try to keep in touch, but when everyone’s busy getting their own life together and amid their own worries, I don’t particularly blame anyone for growing distant.   It’s just interesting, in the beginning of the semester, so many people missed me, talked to me, and even cried about my departure – just like a real death had occurred.  It really made me think “is this what would happen if I died?”.  Of course, time stops for no one, and as the months went on, perchance my friends had realized I would be back soon enough or had gotten swamped by the amount of work they had to do in their respective programs, I had stopped receiving such messages and contact from friends back in BC.

I’m not upset about that at all.  Despite what it seems like.  It’s just interesting from my point of view, almost like a simulation of life on earth after my death – only on a much, much, smaller scale.

Why am I writing about this? Did something happen to make me contemplate my own death? Am I suicidal? No, I am not.

I’m currently reading a novel called A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki (a tantalizing read, might I add).  The novel talks quite a lot about one’s inevitable demise, whether it be intentionally sparked or a natural one.  The setting is partially set in Japan around the 1940s(?), and the other half set in modern-day Whaletown, BC, a very real place on the Cortes Island.  The novelist, Ruth Ozeki, encounters a Hello Kitty lunchbox that acts as a safe keep for the diary of a Japanese girl, Naoko Yasutani, who narrates her daily life through purple gel pen ink and a DIY diary.

The perspective switch between Ruth and Naoko is not only well done, but gives a different insight and contrast between the two characters, and their very different lives, despite the same ethnic heritage.  The reader follows Ruth as she reads the log of Naoko, following her life page by page, discovering information at the same time as the audience.  It’s as if Naoko’s reaching out from the right side, while Ruth and the audience are reaching towards Naoko from the left – hoping to collide in the middle.

Okay so, why did this book spark my interest in death and suicide again?

It’s a topic that Naoko toys with a lot in the novel, or I guess, in her diary.  She writes about her and her family’s experience moving from Japan to Silicon Valley in the States due to her father being a computer science programmer or some sort like that, settling down in Sunnyvale, California, where she spent the majority of her life there.  Her family dynamic is drastically flipped on its head when her father gets laid off, and Nao (as she’s commonly referred to) and her family emigrate back to Japan.

Nao gets bullied relentlessly by her classmates. Her mother spends all her days watching the jellyfish in the aquarium before getting an office job. Her father becomes a hikikomori (ひきこもり), spending his days in the park, feeding the crows.  Feigning work in the early days of returning to the Land of the Rising Sun.

Nao’s father, Haruki as his name is revealed, decides to commit suicide by jumping in front of a train, the Chuo Rapid Express, which apparently; is one of the more popular methods of self-execution according to a self account Ruth finds whilst searching for the history and the current whereabouts of the Yasutani’s.

I had understood why Haruki Yasutani would want to commit suicide, his shame from lying to his family about finding a new job, the fact that he had fallen from such a successful position and left with nothing, the stripping of all pride and dignity spending his days feeding the crows at the nearby park, feeling sorry for his wife and daughter especially for not being able to support them.  I guess you could say, he was spiraling into a deep depression.

I, unfortunately, could tie this with the current situation with my father.

I now realize why this topic has been on my mind for so long, why this situation with Nao and her father captivated my interest and cultivated my thoughts to yield this fruit of epiphany.  I suppose I can conclude that I’m writing this, and have been writing about this topic for months because it’s a very real situation that I simply cannot ignore anymore.  Am I venting? Yeah, I think I can say that I am.

Though I’m frustrated, I know someone who’s even more frustrated with themselves – my father.

He’s not dead, readers.

But there’s something that tugs at my heartstrings and some evil spirit that puts in unfavourable thoughts in my daily life.  What if he had died?

It’s natural to see your parents or guardians suffer, to struggle through with the adulty-responsibilities we all have to one day face.  Having said that, there’s nothing wrong with suffering a little bit, to have a bit of hardship in your life to harden yourself into a better person.  The more experience one accumulates over their lifetime, more often than naught, they are more valued, wiser, knowledgeable and so on.  I don’t doubt that at all.

I strongly believe in strength acquired by difficult situations and times.  After all, I have had my fair share of disturbing moments in life, times that have disrupted my, at the time, established rhythmic pattern that made up my daily (mundane) life.  It’s like an iron sword in the making.  The more you forge and burn it in fire, the more strengthened it becomes, or it could take on a different shape entirely and the blacksmith may decide in last minute haste, to produce a sickle or a dagger instead.  Of course I’m no ironworker or familiar with blacksmithing, but there’s my poor attempt at creating a relatable metaphor.

I can confidently say that my parents have seen their fair share of difficult times, for Heaven’s sake, they immigrated to a foreign land with no family other than themselves and me, little to no money and what connections do you think a middle aged Korean couple would have overseas in the land of the maple leaf, hockey, and apparently endless winters, the land Koreans called Kenada (캐나다) rather than the rounder sound that native English speakers called, Canada? I’ll tell you that they had no connections.

I’ve always appreciated the work my parents have put in their life here in Canada.  I’ve always admired the strength they’ve showed over the past 18-19 years, or maybe it was feigned strength in hopes that their only daughter doesn’t catch on to their fears and sense the very real struggles and hardship that living as immigrants unfortunately brings to the table.

Recently, and mayhap this is just me putting up my father’s dirty laundry for all to see, but my father has been acting drastically different – even he’s saying he’s “no longer the same dad as [he] was in the past”, which of course I’ve noticed the change as the years flew by – living with the man for 18-19 years, one would hope I noticed the changes.  He’s a man that would do anything for me, well not anymore I guess but back in the earlier days, I suppose.

The whole reason why we have Sien (my dog) now is because I’ve pestered him for years to get a dog, to which he promised we would when our family became homeowners – a promise that seemed farfetched now, but in 7-8 years we had become just that, homeowners. Along came the dog in another 3 years or so.  Initially against the idea, he gave in just to see me happy, and perchance he noticed my own change in personality, he wanted to see me change positively, secretly praying the dog would aid in my transition back to the positive daughter I once was.

But anyway, my father explained to me the other day, in blind rage, a firm voice with an angry tone yet one can sense the slightest bit of tremble at the back of his throat, that he was changing, like an adolescent in the middle of puberty, like how my mother would one day go through menopause. This is a phenomena I’d like to dub as manopause.

Over the years, I’ve heard some pretty unsettling things fly from my father’s mouth.  Like him asking me whether I’d approve of him dating other women, getting a divorce with mum, or what would happen if he had enlisted in the possible war that might occur between South and North Korea, and if he had died.  He had asked me about the matter of his demise on numerous occasions, each with different executions – from his death in the war, to him killing himself, and how.

I always knew what to say to his questions; his life was his own and if he wanted to get a divorce with mum because he’s had enough, that’s good on him and he can go for it, if he wanted to date other women, sure – only except that I had to pre-approve of my potential step-mother before their relationship escalates.  But when it came to his death, I never knew what to say.  Or more like, I didn’t want to say the wrong thing that could possibly, even if there was a slight chance, intensify his desire to carry out the action.

Anyway, I’m pretty content with what I’ve written and though it wasn’t originally what I had intended to write about suicide and my unruly fascination with it, I feel like this took priority.  If this triggered anyone, I’m sorry – but it really needed to get off my mind and keeping it private or unpublished seemed to defeat the purpose of writing it down in the first place.  Maybe, this is my silent cry for help.  That maybe God is reading this, and can restore peace into my father.

He had told me, again in blind fury; “At least you’re gone in Halifax.  At least you have somewhere else to go here.  I have no where to go.  I’m stuck, stressed.  But it makes me feel better knowing that you’re over there”.

In the odd chance my dad is reading this, because occasionally my mum will read my posts and share them with my father;

Sorry Dad, I love you.

[someaulone]

I feel I’ve a very different perspective on being stealth then most of the lads I’ve seen talking about. I see lads discussing it as if it’s a choice they made and sometimes feeling like they are disingenuous by living stealth; feeling like this is something they have to work to hide and feeling like they can’t talk about certain aspects of their life because of it. I definitely don’t ever have those feelings. 

For starters I’ve always lived a life of extreme social isolation. Although I’m not as isolated as I was when I was young I still live a solitary life. As a child I had no friends at all. I didn’t speak to my classmates, I spent my entire life immersed in books and my pets. I went to school, I came home and I read books and played with my toys and pets by myself. I spent my weekends and holidays alone. My parents worked a lot, my dad worked partially at home and my mother juggled two jobs so I didn’t receive a lot of attention from either of them. The kids I was around the most were my siblings and cousins who had absolutely no time for me and went out of their way to ditch me. My sisters are fluent in Irish while I don’t have any Irish so my sister constantly spoke Irish around me to exclude me as much as possible. In my late teens 16/17 I managed to have a couple friends (who I am still friends with) and I tried desperately to claw into their social circles but failed miserable. I was a weirdo and my friends’ friends were all embarrassed that they were friends with me. 

I don’t feel I had a female childhood; I grew up mentally ill and asexual which completed effected how I navigated the world, how I was treated and how I related to people. When my sisters and my female friends talk about female experiences they’ve had I can never relate to them. I could never relate to any girl’s experience of being female or any boy’s experience of being male and I still can’t because I’ve always had an atypical life in particular an atypical childhood.

When I started living as male I was extremely social inept. I couldn’t make eye contact, I always mumbled,  I couldn’t maintain conversations with anyone outside of my family or the couple friends I had. Any social interaction for me felt like drowning and was just beyond me. Through therapy and transitioning I came out of my shell, learnt how to make eye contact and how to have small talk. Within a year of transitioning I was able to order coffee and buy groceries and make eye contact and speak properly to whoever was serving me. Things I never thought would be possible for me. I came on in leaps and bounds basically. 

The socialisation I experienced while being perceived as a young teenage boy was far, far more valuable to me than socialisation that happened in the 18 years previously and was far more vital to my development as a person then anything that happened in my childhood or adolescence. 

But I was still pretty socially isolated. I went to college, I had a part time job but I didn’t have any relationship with my peers or co-workers. While I was able to speak to them (which was huge for me) I only spoke to them about work I never spoke to them beyond that. I kept to myself. So, it wasn’t a conscious decision for me to go stealth it was just that I didn’t make any new relationships in the early part of my transition.  It wasn’t anything I ever gave any thought to really. Navigating my social problems was far more paramount in my mind than my gender issues. 

After my dad died I went through a period of deep social isolation. I didn’t have work or college and I didn’t leave the house. This was also the time I went through all the legal changes; deed poll e.t.c and when I started hormone replacement therapy. I went to college for a few months, dropped out then went back to isolation. But even when I was in college I was still isolated because I didn’t interact with my class mates and I spent all of my time not in college shut up in my bedroom. 

I still live a solitary life. I’m going to college and while I’m friendly and chatty to my class mates now I don’t interact with them outside of college. I have only a couple friends that live near me and I don’t see them that regularly.

I don’t see being stealth as a choice because it’s not something I consciously decided because of my circumstances. I’m a loner, I will always be a loner. I spend the vast majority of my days in my own company. I will never date out of personal preference.  I live with my mother who still works two jobs and is hardly ever here.

I just don’t see my transition as hugely relevant to who I am. I don’t see being raised as a girl as particularly relevant to who I am as a person because I don’t feel I had a female childhood I feel I had an atypical one. My mental illness and asexuality and social problems have had a far greater impact on my development as a person then my gender dysphoria.  While yes my gender dysphoria has made those things harder to deal with if I had been born male with the exact same personality traits and sexuality and illness I would have turned out pretty much the exactly the same. I would have been discriminated and bullied the same and I would have struggled the same. 

Worth noting, this isn’t a “pity me” post my childhood is what is and I don’t harbour any residual sadness about it. It could have been a lot worse so it doesn’t bother me.

[juniousuniverse]

From: Christopher Jordan Dorner /7648 To: America Subj: Last resort Regarding CF# 07-004281 I know most of you who personally know me are in disbelief to hear from media reports that I am suspected of committing such horrendous murders and have taken drastic and shocking actions in the last couple of days. You are saying to yourself that this is completely out of character of the man you knew who always wore a smile wherever he was seen. I know I will be vilified by the LAPD and the media. Unfortunately, this is a necessary evil that I do not enjoy but must partake and complete for substantial change to occur within the LAPD and reclaim my name. The department has not changed since the Rampart and Rodney King days. It has gotten worse. The consent decree should never have been lifted. The only thing that has evolved from the consent decree is those officers involved in the Rampart scandal and Rodney King incidents have since promoted to supervisor, commanders, and command staff, and executive positions. The question is, what would you do to clear your name? Name; A word or set of words by which a person, animal, place, or thing is known, addressed, or referred to. Name Synonyms; reputation, title, appellation, denomination, repute. A name is more than just a noun, verb, or adjective. It's your life, your legacy, your journey, sacrifices, and everything you've worked hard for every day of your life as and adolescent, young adult and adult. Don't let anybody tarnish it when you know you've live up to your own set of ethics and personal ethos. In 8/07 I reported an officer (Ofcr. ——-/now a Sergeant), for kicking a suspect (excessive force) during a Use of Force while I was assigned as a patrol officer at LAPD's Harbor Division. While cuffing the suspect, (——-), ——- kicked the suspect twice in the chest and once in the face. The kick to the face left a visible injury on the left cheek below the eye. Unfortunately after reporting it to supervisors and investigated by PSB (internal affairs investigator Det. ——-), nothing was done. I had broken their supposed "Blue Line". Unfortunately, It's not JUST US, it's JUSTICE!!! In fact, 10 months later on 6/25/08, after already successfully completing probation, acquiring a basic Post Certificate, and Intermediate Post Certificate, I was relieved of duty by the LAPD while assigned to patrol at Southwest division. It is clear as day that the department retaliated toward me for reporting ——- for kicking Mr. ——-. The department stated that I had lied and made up the report that ——- had kicked the suspect. I later went to a Board of Rights (department hearing for decision of continued employment) from 10/08 to 1/09. During this BOR hearing a video was played for the BOR panel where ——- stated that he was indeed kicked by Officer ——- (video sent to multiple news agencies). In addition to ——- stating he was kicked, his father ——-, also stated that his son had stated he was kicked by an officer when he was arrested after being released from custody. This was all presented for the department at the BOR hearing. They still found me guilty and terminated me. What they didn't mention was that the BOR panel made up of Capt. ——-, Capt. ——-, and City Attorney ——- had a significant problem from the time the board was assembled. Capt. ——- was a personal friend of ——- from when he was her supervisor at Harbor station. That is a clear conflict of interest and I made my argument for his removal early and was denied. The advocate for the LAPD BOR was Sgt. ——-. ——- also had a conflict of interest as she was ——- friend and former partner from Harbor division where they both worked patrol together. I made my argument for her removal when I discovered her relation to ——- and it was denied. During the BOR, the department attempted to label me unsuccessfully as a bully. They stated that I had bullied a recruit, ——-, in the academy when in reality and unfounded disposition from the official 1.28 formal complaint investigation found that I was the one who stood up for ——- when other recruits sang nazi hitler youth songs about burning Jewish ghettos in WWII Germany where his father was a survivor of a concentration camp. How fucking dare you attempt to label me with such a nasty vile word. I ask that all earnest journalist investigating this story ask Ofcr. ——- about the incident when Ofcr. ——- began singing a nazi youth song about burning jewish ghettos. The internal affairs investigation in the academy involving ——- was spurned by a complaint that I had initiated toward two fellow recruit/offifcers. While assigned patrol footbeat in Hollywood Division, Officers ——- and ——- (both current LAPD officers) decided that they would voice their personal feelings about the black community. While traveling back to the station in a 12 passenger van I heard ——- refer to another individual as a nigger. I wasn't sure if I heard correctly as there were many conversations in the van that was compiled of at least 8 officers and he was sitting in the very rear and me in the very front. Even with the multiple conversations and ambient noise I heard Officer ——- call an indivdual a nigger again. Now that I had confirmed it, I told ——- not to use that word again. I explained that it was a well-known offensive word that should not be used by anyone. He replied, "I'll say it when I want". Officer ——-, a friend of his, also stated that he would say nigger when he wanted. At that point I jumped over my front passenger seat and two other officers where I placed my hands around ——-' neck and squeezed. I stated to ——-, "Don't fucking say that". At that point there was pushing and shoving and we were separated by several other officers. What I should have done, was put a Winchester Ranger SXT 9mm 147 grain bullet in his skull and Officer ——-'s skull. The Situation would have been resolved effective, immediately. The sad thing about this incident was that when Detective ——- from internal affairs investigated this incident only (1) officer (unknown) in the van other than myself had statements constistent with what actually happened. The other six officers all stated they heard nothing and saw nothing. Shame on every one of you. Shame on Detective ——- (same ethnicity as ——-) for creating a separate 1.28 formal complaint against me (——- complaint) in retaliation for initiating the complaint against ——- and ——-. Don't retaliate against honest officers for breaking your so-called blue line. I hope your son ——-, who I knew, is a better officer than you, Detective ——-. The saddest part of this ordeal was that Officer ——- and ——- were only given 22 day suspensions and are still LAPD officers to this day. That day, the LAPD stated that it is acceptable for fellow officers to call black officers niggers to their face and you will receive a slap on the wrist. Even sadder is that during that 22 day suspension ——- and ——- received is that the LAPPL (Los Angeles Police Protective League) paid the officers their salaries while they were suspended. When I took a two-day suspension for an accidental discharge, I took my suspension and never applied for a league salary. Its called integrity. Journalist, I want you to investigate every location I resided in growing up. Find any incidents where I was ever accused of being a bully. You won't, because it doesn't exist. It's not in my DNA. Never was. I was the only black kid in each of my elementary school classes from first grade to seventh grade in junior high and any instances where I was disciplined for fighting was in response to fellow students provoking common childhood schoolyard fights, or calling me a nigger or other derogatory racial names. I grew up in neighborhoods where blacks make up less than 1%. My first recollection of racism was in the first grade at Norwalk Christian elementary school in Norwalk, CA. A fellow student, ——- if I can recall, called me a nigger on the playground. My response was swift and non-lethal. I struck him fast and hard with a punch an kick. He cried and reported it to a teacher. The teacher reported it to the principal. The principal swatted ——- for using a derogatory word toward me. He then for some unknown reason swatted me for striking ——- in response to him calling me a nigger. He stated as good Christians we are to turn the other cheek as Jesus did. Problem is, I'm not a fucking Christian and that old book, made of fiction and limited non-fiction, called the bible, never once stated Jesus was called a nigger. How dare you swat me for standing up for my rights for demanding that I be treated as an equal human being. That day I made a life decision that i will not tolerate racial derogatory terms spoken to me. Unfortunately I was swatted multiple times for the same exact reason up until junior high. Terminating me for telling the truth of a Caucasian officer kicking a mentally ill man is disgusting. Don't ever call me a fucking bully. I want all journalist to utilize every source you have that specializes in collections for your reports. With the discovery and evidence available you will see the truth. Unfortunately, I will not be alive to see my name cleared. That's what this is about, my name. A man is nothing without his name. Below is a list of locations where I resided from childhood to adulthood. Cerritos, CA. Pico Rivera, CA. La Palma, CA. Thousand Oaks, CA. Cedar City, UT. Pensacola, FL. Enid, OK. Yorba Linda, CA. Las Vegas, NV. During the BOR an officer named, Sgt. ——-, from Los Angeles Port Police testified on behalf of the LAPD. ——- stated for the BOR that he arrived at the location of the UOF shortly before I cuffed the suspect. He also stated that he assisted in cuffing the suspect and that's old the BOR he told me to fix my tie. All of those statements were LIES!!! ——-, you arrived at the UOF location up to 30 seconds after I had cuffed Mr.——-. All you did was help me lift the suspect to his feet as it was difficult for me to do by myself because of his heavy weight. You did not tell me to fix my tie as the BOR members and everyone else in the room know you lied because the photographic evidence from the UOF scene where ——-'s injuries were photographed clearly shows me wearing a class B uniform on that day. A class B uniform is a short sleeved uniform blouse. A short sleeved uniform blouse for the LAPD does not have a tie included. This is not Super Troopers uniform, you jackass. Why did you feel the need to embellish and lie about your involvement in the UOF? Are you ashamed that you could not get hired on by any other department other than port police? Do you have delusions of grandeur? What you did was perjury, exactly what ——- did when she stated she did not kick ——-. What they failed to mention in the BOR was ——- own use of force history during her career on the LAPD. She has admitted that she has a lengthy use of force record and has been flagged several times by risk management. She has a very well known nickname, Chupacabra, which she was very proud to flaunt around the division. She found it very funny and entertaining to draw blood from suspects and arrestees. At one point she even intentionally ripped the flesh off the arm of a woman we had arrested for battery (sprayed her neighbor with a garden water hose). Knowing the woman had thin elastic skin, she performed and Indian burn to the woman's arm after cuffing her. That woman was in her mid-70's, a mother and grandmother, and was angry at her tenants who failed to pay rent on time. Something I can completely understand and I am sure many have wanted to do toward tenants who do not pay their rent. ——- was also demoted from a senior lead officer rank/position for performance issues. During my two months of working patrol with ——-, I found her as a woman who was very angry that she had been pulled from patrol for a short time because of a domestic violence report made by Long Beach Police Department because of an incident involving her active LAPD officer boyfriend, ——-, and herself. ——- is the same officer investigated for witness tampering. She also was visibly angry on a daily basis that she was going to have to file for bankruptcy because her ex-husband, a former LAPD officer and not ——-, who had left the department, state, and was nowhere to be found had left her with a tax bill and debt that she was unable to pay because of a lack of financial means. ——-, you are a POS and you lied right to the BOR panel when ——- asked you if you kicked ——-. You destroyed my life and name because of your actions. Time is up. The time is now to confess to ——-. I ask that all journalist investigating this story submit request for FOIA with the LAPD to gain access to the BOR transcripts which occurred from 10/08 to 2/09. There, you will see that a video was played for the BOR members of Mr. ——- who suffers from Schizophrenia and Dementia stating that he was kicked by a female officer. That video evidence supports my claim that ——- kicked him twice in the upper body and once in the face. I would like all journalist to also request copies of all reports that I had written while employed by LAPD. Whether in the academy, or during my 3 years as a police officer. There are DR#'s attached to each report (investigative report) that I have ever written so they all exist. A FOIA request will most likely be needed to access these at Parker center or at the Personnel/Records. Judge my writin/grammar skills for yourself. The department attempted to paint me as an officer who could not write reports. Even though Sgt. ——- a training officer who trained me stated for the BOR panel that there was nothing wrong with my report writing and that I was better than all rookie/probationer officers he has ever trained. Officer ——- stated the same but refused to testify as he did not want to "get involved" with the BOR's. Contact Sgt. ——-,(now a Captain at Lompoc PD), Sgt. ——-, and Sgt. ——-. All will state that my report writing was impeccable. I will tell you this, I always type my reports because I have messy handwriting/penmanship. I never had a single kickback/redlined report at Southwest division and Sgt. ——- and Sgt. ——- can testify to that. I never received an UNSATISFACTORY on any day or week. The same can be said within the U.S. Naval Reserves. All commanders will state that my report writing was always clear, concise, and impeccable. Even search my AAR (after action reports),chits, Memorandum's, IIR's (Intelligence Information Reports) which were written in the Navy. All were pristine. I had worked patrol at LAPD's Harbor Division from 2/06 until 7/06 when I was involuntarily recalled back to active duty (US Navy) for a 12 month mobilization/deployment to Centcom in support of OIF/OEF. I returned back to LAPD's Harbor division on 7/07 and immediately returned to patrol. I worked at Harbor division until 11/07 where I then transferred to Southwest Division. I worked At Southwest division until 6/25/08 when I was relieved of duty. I have exhausted all available means at obtaining my name back. I have attempted all legal court efforts within appeals at the Superior Courts and California Appellate courts. This is my last resort. The LAPD has suppressed the truth and it has now lead to deadly consequences. The LAPD's actions have cost me my law enforcement career that began on 2/7/05 and ended on 1/2/09. They cost me my Naval career which started on 4/02 and ends on 2/13. I had a TS/SCI clearance(Top Secret Sensitive Compartmentalized Information clearance) up until shortly after my termination with LAPD. This is the highest clearance a service member can attain other than a Yankee White TS/SCI which is only granted for those working with and around the President/Vice President of the United States. I lost my position as a Commanding Officer of a Naval Security Forces reserve unit at NAS Fallon because of the LAPD. I've lost a relationship with my mother and sister because of the LAPD. I've lost a relationship with close friends because of the LAPD. In essence, I've lost everything because the LAPD took my name and new I was INNOCENT!!! ——-, ——-, ——-,——- and ——- all new I was innocent but decided to terminate me so they could continue Ofcr. ——-. I know about the meeting between all of you where ——- attorney, ——-, confessed that she kicked ——- (excessive force). Your day has come. I'm not an aspiring rapper, I'm not a gang member, I'm not a dope dealer, I don't have multiple babies momma's. I am an American by choice, I am a son, I am a brother, I am a military service member, I am a man who has lost complete faith in the system, when the system betrayed, slandered, and libeled me. I lived a good life and though not a religious man I always stuck to my own personal code of ethics, ethos and always stuck to my shoreline and true North. I didn't need the US Navy to instill Honor, Courage, and Commitment in me but I thank them for re-enforcing it. It's in my DNA. Luckily I don't have to live everyday like most of you. Concerned if the misconduct you were apart of is going to be discovered. Looking over your shoulder, scurrying at every phone call from internal affairs or from the Captains office wondering if that is the day PSB comes after you for the suspects you struck when they were cuffed months/years ago or that $500 you pocketed from the narcotics dealer, or when the other guys on your watch beat a transient nearly to death and you never reported the UOF to the supervisor. No, I don't have that concern, I stood up for what was right but unfortunately have dealt with the reprocussions of doing the right thing and now losing my name and everything I ever stood for. You fuckers knew ——- was guilty of kicking (excessive force) ——- and you did nothing but get rid of what you saw as the problem, the whistleblower. ——- himself stated on video tape ( provided for the BOR and in transcripts) he was kicked and even his father stated that his son said he was kicked by ——- when he was released from custody. The video was played for the entire BOR to hear. You're going to see what a whistleblower can do when you take everything from him especially his NAME!!! Look what you did to Sgt. ——- (now lieutenant) when he exposed the truth of your lying, racism, and PSB cover-ups to frame and convict an innocent man. You can not police yourselves and the consent decree was unsuccessful. Sgt. ——-, I met you on the range several times as a recruit and as an officer. You're a good man and I saw it in your eyes an actions. Self Preservation is no longer important to me. I do not fear death as I died long ago on 1/2/09. I was told by my mother that sometimes bad things happen to good people. I refuse to accept that. From 2/05 to 1/09 I saw some of the most vile things humans can inflict on others as a police officer in Los Angeles. Unfortunately, it wasn't in the streets of LA. It was in the confounds of LAPD police stations and shops (cruisers). The enemy combatants in LA are not the citizens and suspects, it's the police officers. People who live in glass houses should not throw stones. How ironic that you utilize a fixed glass structure as your command HQ. You use as a luminous building to symbolize that you are transparent, have nothing to hide, or suppress when in essence, concealing, omitting, and obscuring is your forte. ——-, this is when you need to have that come to Jesus talk with Sgt. ——- and everyone else who was involved in the conspiracy to have me terminated for doing the right thing. you also need to speak with her attorney, ——-, and his conversation with the BOR members and her confession of guilt in kicking Mr. ——-. I'll be waiting for a PUBLIC response at a press conference. When the truth comes out, the killing stops. Why didn't you charge me with filing a false police report when I came forward stating that ——- kicked Mr. ——-? You file criminal charges against every other officer who is accused and terminated for filing a false police report. You didn't because you knew I was innocent and a criminal court would find me innocent and expose your department for suppressing the truth and retaliation, that's why. The attacks will stop when the department states the truth about my innocence, PUBLICLY!!! I will not accept any type of currency/goods in exchange for the attacks to stop, nor do i want it. I want my name back, period. There is no negotiation. I am not the state department who states they do not negotiate with terrorist, because anybody with a Secret or TS/SCI has seen IIR's on SIPR and knows that the US state department always negotiates by using CF countries or independent sovereign/neutral country to mediate and compromising. This department has not changed from the ——- and ——- days. Those officers are still employed and have all promoted to Command staff and supervisory positions. I will correct this error. Are you aware that an officer (a rookie/probationer at the time) seen on the Rodney King videotape striking Mr. King multiple times with a baton on 3/3/91 is still employed by the LAPD and is now a Captain on the police department? Captain ——- is now the commanding officer of a LAPD police station (West LA division). As a commanding officer, he is now responsible for over 200 officers. Do you trust him to enforce department policy and investigate use of force investigations on arrestees by his officers? Are you aware ——- has since promoted to Sergeant after kicking Mr. ——- in the face. Oh, you Violated a citizens civil rights? We will promote you. Same as LAPD did with the officers from Metro involved in the May Day melee at MacArthur Park. They promoted them to Sergeant (a supervisor role). No one is saying you can't be prejudiced or a bigot. We are all human and hold prejudices. If you state that you don't have prejudices, your lying! But, when you act on it and victimize innocent citizens and fellow innocen officers, than that is a concern. For you officers who do the job in the name of JUSTICE, those of you who lost honest officers to this event, look at the name of those on the BOR and the investigating officers from PSB and ——- and ask them, how come you couldn't tell the truth? Why did you terminate an honest officer and cover for a dishonest officer who victimized a mentally ill citizen. Sometimes humans feel a need to prove they are the dominant race of a species and they inadvertently take kindness for weakness from another individual. You chose wrong. Terminating officers because they expose a culture of lying, racism (from the academy), and excessive use of force will immediately change. PSB can not police their own and that has been proven. The blue line will forever be severed and a cultural change will be implanted. You have awoken a sleeping giant. I am here to change and make policy. The culture of LAPD versus the community and honest/good officers needs to and will change. I am here to correct and calibrate your morale compasses to true north. Those Caucasian officers who join South Bureau divisions (77th,SW,SE, an Harbor) with the sole intent to victimize minorities who are uneducated, and unaware of criminal law, civil law, and civil rights. You prefer the South bureau because a use of force/deadly force is likely and the individual you use UOF on will likely not report it. You are a high value target. Those Black officers in supervisory ranks and pay grades who stay in south bureau (even though you live in the valley or OC) for the sole intent of getting retribution toward subordinate caucasians officers for the pain and hostile work environment their elders inflicted on you as probationers (P-1′s) and novice P-2's. You are a high value target. You perpetuated the cycle of racism in the department as well. You breed a new generation of bigoted caucasian officer when you belittle them and treat them unfairly. Those Hispanic officers who victimize their own ethnicity because they are new immigrants to this country and are unaware of their civil rights. You call them wetbacks to their face and demean them in front of fellow officers of different ethnicities so that you will receive some sort of acceptance from your colleagues. I'm not impressed. Most likely, your parents or grandparents were immigrants at one time, but you have forgotten that. You are a high value target. Those lesbian officers in supervising positions who go to work, day in day out, with the sole intent of attempting to prove your misandrist authority (not feminism) to degrade male officers. You are a high value target. Those Asian officers who stand by and observe everything I previously mentioned other officers participate in on a daily basis but you say nothing, stand for nothing and protect nothing. Why? Because of your usual saying, " I......don't like conflict". You are a high value target as well. Those of you who "go along to get along" have no backbone and destroy the foundation of courage. You are the enablers of those who are guilty of misconduct. You are just as guilty as those who break the code of ethics and oath you swore. Citizens/non-combatants, do not render medical aid to downed officers/enemy combatants. They would not do the same for you. They will let you bleed out just so they can brag to other officers that they had a 187 caper the other day and can't wait to accrue the overtime in future court subpoenas. As they always say, "that's the paramedics job...not mine". Let the balance of loss of life take place. Sometimes a reset needs to occur. It is endless the amount of times per week officers arrest an individual, label him a suspect-arrestee-defendant and then before arraignment or trial realize that he is innocent based on evidence. You know what they say when they realize an innocent man just had his life turned upside down?. "I guess he should have stayed at home that day he was discovered walking down the street and matching the suspects description. Oh well, he appeared to be a dirtbag anyways". Meanwhile the falsely accused is left to pick up his life, get a new, family, friends, and sense of self worth. Don't honor these fallen officers/dirtbags. When your family members die, they just see you as extra overtime at a crime scene and at a perimeter. Why would you value their lives when they clearly don't value yours or your family members lives? I've heard many officers who state they see dead victims as ATV's, Waverunners, RV's and new clothes for their kids. Why would you shed a tear for them when they in return crack a smile for your loss because of the impending extra money they will receive in their next paycheck for sitting at your loved ones crime scene of 6 hours because of the overtime they will accrue. They take photos of your loved ones recently deceased bodies with their cellphones and play a game of who has the most graphic dead body of the night with officers from other divisions. This isn't just the 20 something year old officers, this is the 50 year old officers with significant time on the job as well who participate. You allow an officer, ——-, to attempt to hack into my credit union account and still remain on the job even when Det. ——- shows the evidence that the IP address (provided by LAPFCU) that attempted to hack into my account and change my username and password leads directly to her residence. You even allow this visibly disgusting looking officer to stay on the job when she perjures (lies) in court (Clark County Family Court) to the judge's face and denies hacking into my personal credit union online account when I attempted to get my restraint order extended. Det. ——- provided the evidence and you still do nothing. How do you know when a police officer is lying??? When he begins his sentence with, "based on my experience and training". No one grows up and wants to be a cop killer. It was against everything I've ever was. As a young police explorer I found my calling in life. But, As a young police officer I found that the violent suspects on the street are not the only people you have to watch. It is the officer who was hired on to the department (pre-2000) before polygraphs were standard for all new hires and a substantial vetting in a backround investigation. To those children of the officers who are eradicated, your parent was not the individual you thought they were. As you get older,you will see the evidence that your parent was a tyrant who loss their ethos and instead followed the path of moral corruptness. They conspired to hide and suppress the truth of misconduct on others behalf's. Your parent will have a name and plaque on the fallen officers memorial in D.C. But, In all honesty, your parents name will be a reminder to other officers to maintain the oath they swore and to stay along the shoreline that has guided them from childhood to that of a local, state, or federal law enforcement officer. Your lack of ethics and conspiring to wrong a just individual are over. Suppressing the truth will leave to deadly consequences for you and your family. There will be an element of surprise where you work, live, eat, and sleep. I will utilize ISR at your home, workplace, and all locations in between. I will utilize OSINT to discover your residences, spouses workplaces, and children's schools. IMINT to coordinate and plan attacks on your fixed locations. Its amazing whats on NIPR. HUMINT will be utilized to collect personal schedules of targets. I never had the opportunity to have a family of my own, I'm terminating yours. ——-, ——-, ——-, and BOR members Look your wives/husbands and surviving children directly in the face and tell them the truth as to why your children are dead. Never allow a LAPPL union attorney to be a retired LAPD Captain,(——-). He doesn't work for you, your interest, or your name. He works for the department, period. His job is to protect the department from civil lawsuits being filed and their best interest which is the almighty dollar. His loyalty is to the department, not his client. Even when he knowingly knows your innocent and the BOR also knows your innocent after ——- stated on videotape that he was kicked and ——- attorney confessed to the BOR off the record that she kicked ——-. The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants-TJ. This quote is not directed toward the US government which I fully support 100%. This is toward the LAPD who can not monitor itself. The consent decree should not have been lifted, ever. I know your TTP's, (techniques, tactics, and procedures). Any threat assessments you generate will be useless. This is simple, I know your TTP's and PPR's. I will mitigate any of your attempts at preservation. ORM is my friend. I will mitigate all risks, threats and hazards. I assure you that Incident Command Posts will be target rich environments. KMA-367 license plate frames are great target indicators and make target selection even easier. I will conduct DA operations to destroy, exploit and seize designated targets. If unsuccessful or unable to meet objectives in these initial small-scale offensive actions, I will reassess my BDA and re-attack until objectives are met. I have nothing to lose. My personal casualty means nothing. Just alike AAF's, ACM's, and AIF's, you can not prevail against an enemy combatant who has no fear of death. An enemy who embraces death is a lose, lose situation for their enemy combatants. Hopefully you analyst have done your homework. You are aware that I have always been the top shot, highest score, an expert in rifle qualifications in every unit I've been in. I will utilize every bit of small arms training, demolition, ordnance, and survival training I've been given. Do you know why we are unsuccessful in asymmetrical and guerrilla warfare in CENTCOM theatre of operations? I'll tell you. It's not the inefficiency of our combatant commanders, planning, readiness or training of troops. Much like the Vietnam war, ACM, AAF, foreign fighters, Jihadist, and JAM have nothing to lose. They embrace death as it is a way of life. I simply don't fear it. I am the walking exigent circumstance you created. The Violence of action will be HIGH. I am the reason TAC alert was established. I will bring unconventional and asymmetrical warfare to those in LAPD uniform whether on or off duty. ISR is my strength and your weakness. You will now live the life of the prey. Your RD's and homes away from work will be my AO and battle space. I will utilize every tool within INT collections that I learned from NMITC in Dam Neck. You have misjudged a sleeping giant. There is no conventional threat assessment for me. JAM, New Ba'ath party, 1920 rev BGE, ACM, AAF, AQAP, AQIM and AQIZ have nothing on me. Do not deploy airships or gunships. SA-7 Manpads will be waiting. As you know I also own Barrett .50′s so your APC are defunct and futile. You better have all your officers radio/phone muster (code 1) on or off duty every hour, on the hour. Do not attempt to shadow or conduct any type of ISR on me. I have the inventory listing of all UC vehicles at Piper Tech and the home addresses of any INT analyst at JRIC and detachment locations. My POA is always POI and always true. This will be a war of attrition and a Pyrrhic and Camdean Victory for myself. You may have the resources and manpower but you are reactive and predictable in your op plans and TTP's. I have the strength and benefits of being unpredictable, unconventional, and unforgiving. Do not waste your time with briefs and tabletops. Whatever pre-planned responses you have established for a scenario like me, shelve it. Whatever contingency plan you have, shelve it. Whatever tertiary plan you've created, shelve it. I am a walking exigent circumstance with no OFF or reset button. JRIC, DOJ, LASD, FBI and other local LE can't assist and should not involve themselves in a matter that does not concern them. For all other agencies, do not involve yourself in this capture or recovery of me. Look at the big picture of the situation. They (LAPD) created the situation. I will harm no outside agency unless it is a deadly force/IDOL situation. With today's budgeting and fiscal mess, you guys can not afford lose several officers to IOD or KIA/EOW. Plus, other officers should not have to take on the additional duties and responsibilities of dead officers. Think about their families, outside agencies, Chiefs/Directors. Outside agencies and individual officers on patrol. If you recognize my vehicle, and confirm it is my vehicle thru a dmv/want warrant check. It behoves you to respond to dispatch that your query was for information purposes only. If you proceed with a traffic stop or attempt to notify other officers of my location or for backup you will not live to see the medal of valor you were hoping to receive for your actions. Think before you attempt to intervene. You will not survive. Your family will receive that medal of valor posthumously. It will gather dust on the fireplace mantel for years. Then one day, it will go in a shoe box with other memories. Your mother will lose a son or daughter. Your significant other will be left alone, but they will find someone else to fill your void in the future and make them just as happy. Your children, if you have them, will call someone else mommy or daddy. Don't be selfish. Your vest is only a level II or IIIA, think about it. No amount of IMINT, MASINT, and ELINT assist you in capturing me. I am off the grid. You better use your feet, tongue and every available DOD/ NON-DOD HUMINT agency, contractor to find me. I know your route to and from home, and your division. I know your significant others routine, your children's best friends and recess. I know Your Sancha's gym hours and routine. I assure you that the casualty rate will be high. Because of that, no one will remember your name. You will merely be a DR# and "that guy" who was KIA/EOW or long term IOD/light duty in the kit room. This is exactly why "station 500″ was created. Unfortunately, orphanages will be making a comeback in the 21st century. The Violence of action will be HIGH. I am the reason TAC alert was established. I will bring unconventional and asymmetrical warfare to those in LAPD uniform whether on or off duty. If you had a well regulated AWB, this would not happen. The time is now to reinstitute a ban that will save lives. Why does any sportsman need a 30 round magazine for hunting? Why does anyone need a suppressor? Why does anyone need a AR15 rifle? This is the same small arms weapons system utilized in eradicating Al Qaeda, Taliban, and every enemy combatant since the Vietnam war. Don't give me that crap that its not a select fire or full auto rifle like the DoD uses. That's bullshit because troops who carry the M-4/M-16 weapon system for combat ops outside the wire rarely utilize the select fire function when in contact with enemy combatants. The use of select fire probably isn't even 1% in combat. So in essence, the AR-15 semiautomatic rifle is the same as the M-4/M-16. These do not need to be purchased as easily as walking to your local Walmart or striking the enter key on your keyboard to "add to cart". All the firearms utilized in my activities are registered to me and were legally purchased at gun stores and private party transfers. All concealable weapons (pistols) were also legally register in my name at police stations or FFL's. Unfortunately, are you aware that I obtained class III weapons (suppressors) without a background check thru NICS or DROS completely LEGALLY several times? I was able to use a trust account that I created on quicken will maker and a $10 notary charge at a mailbox etc. to obtain them legally. Granted, I am not a felon, nor have a DV misdemeanor conviction or active TRO against me on a NCIC file. I can buy any firearm I want, but should I be able to purchase these class III weapons (SBR's, and suppressors) without a background check and just a $10 notary signature on a quicken will maker program? The answer is NO. I'm not even a resident of the state i purchased them in. Lock n Load just wanted money so they allow you to purchase class III weapons with just a notarized trust, military ID. Shame on you, Lock n Load. NFA and ATF need new laws and policies that do not allow loopholes such as this. In the end, I hope that you will realize that the small arms I utilize should not be accessed with the ease that I obtained them. Who in there right mind needs a fucking silencer!!! who needs a freaking SBR AR15? No one. No more Virginia Tech, Columbine HS, Wisconsin temple, Aurora theatre, Portland malls, Tucson rally, Newtown Sandy Hook. Whether by executive order or thru a bi-partisan congress an assault weapons ban needs to be re-instituted. Period!!! Mia Farrow said it best. "Gun control is no longer debatable, it's not a conversation, its a moral mandate." Sen. Feinstein, you are doing the right thing in leading the re-institution of a national AWB. Never again should any public official state that their prayers and thoughts are with the family. That has become cliche' and meaningless. Its time for action. Let this be your legacy that you bestow to America. Do not be swayed by obstacles, antagaonist, and naysayers. Remember the innocent children at Austin, Kent, Stockton, Fullerton, San Diego, Iowa City, Jonesboro, Columbine, Nickel Mines, Blacksburg, Springfield, Red Lake, Chardon, Aurora, and Newtown. Make sure this never happens again!!! In my cache you will find several small arms. In the cache, Bushmaster firearms, Remington precision rifles, and AAC Suppressors (silencers). All of these small arms are manufactured by Cerberus/Freedom Group. The same company responsible for the Portland mall shooting, Webster , NY, and Sandy Hook massacre. You disrespect the office of the POTUS/Presidency and Commander in Chief. You call him Kenyan, mongroid, halfrican, muslim, and FBHO when in essence you are to address him as simply, President. The same as you did to President George W. Bush and all those in the highest ranking position of our land before him. Just as I always have. You question his birth certificate, his educational and professional accomplishments, and his judeo-christian beliefs. You make disparaging remarks about his dead parents. You never questioned the fact that his former opponent, the honorable Senator John McCain, was not born in the CONUS or that Bush had a C average in his undergrad. Electoral Candidates children (Romney) state they want to punch the president in the face during debates with no formal repercussions. No one even questioned the fact that the son just made a criminal threat toward the President. You call his wife a Wookie. Off the record, I love your new bangs, Mrs. Obama. A woman whose professional and educational accomplishments are second to none when compared to recent First wives. You call his supporters, whether black, brown, yellow, or white, leeches, FSA, welfare recipients, and ni$&er lovers. You say this openly without any discretion. Before you start with your argument that you believe I would vote for Obama because he has the same skin color as me, fuck you. I didn't vote in this last election as my choice of candidate, John Huntsman, didn't win the primary candidacy for his party. Mr. President, I haven't agreed with all of your decisions but of course I haven't agreed with all of your predecessors decisions. I think you've done a hell of a job with what you have been dealt and how you have managed it. I shed a tear the night you were initially elected President in 2008. I never thought that day would occur. A black man elected president in the U.S. in my lifetime. I cracked a smiled when you were re-elected in 2012 because I really didn't think you were going to pull that one off. Romney, stop being a sore loser. You could've exited graciously and still contributed significantly to public service, not now. Mr. President, get back to work. Many want to see you fail as they have stated so many times previously. Unfortunately, if you fail, the U.S. fails but your opponents do not concern themselves about the big picture. Do not forget your commitment to transparency in your administration. Sometimes I believe your administration forgets that. America, you will realize today and tomorrow that this world is made up of all human beings who have the same general needs and wants in life for themselves, their kin, community, and state. That is the freedom to LIVE and LOVE. They may eat different foods, enjoy different music, have different dialects, or speak a second language, but in essence are no different from you and I. This is America. We are not a perfect sovereign country as we have our own flaws but we are the closest that will ever exist. Unfortunately, this is not the first time an authoritative figure has lied on me. ——-, assistant principal, Cypress HS. Remember when you lied to my mother and the police officer in your office about stating that you never stated to me in a private conversation that you know the theft suspect (——-) stole my watch. Let me refresh your memory. A physical education teachers assistant, a student, stole the list of combination codes to peoples lockers, from the P.E. teacher. That student then opened many of those lockers and stole students personal property. My watch was taken in that multi theft an I reported it to you. A week later you discovered that the theft suspect was ——-, a student. You stated to me in private that you know for a fact he stole my property. When I attempted to retrieve my property from the suspect. Campus security was called and you lied and stated that you never stated to me that you "know he stole my watch". You sat there and lied to their faces right in front of me. You said it with such a deliberate, stern face. I never forgot that and was not surprised when 13 years later I was lied on again in the BOR by ——-. maybe you can confess to your family at the very least in the private of your own home. After that, contact my mother and apologize for lying to her in 1996. If possible, I want my brain preserved for science/research to study the effects of severe depression on an individual's brain. Since 6/26/08 when I was relieved of duty and 1/2/09 when I was terminated I have been afflicted with severe depression. I've had two CT scans during my lifetime that are in my medical record at Kaiser Permanente. Both are from concussions resulting from playing football. The first one was in high school, 10/96. The second was in college and occurred in 10/99. Both were conducted at Kaiser Permanente hospitals in LA/Orange county. These two CT scans should give a good baseline for my brain activity before severe depression began in late 2008. Sure, many of you "law enforcement experts and specialist" will state, "in all my years this is the worst........", Stop!!! That's not important. Ask yourselves what would cause somebody to take these drastic measures like I did. That's what is important. To my friends listed below, I wish we could have grown old together and spent more time together. When you reminisce of our friendship and experiences, think of that and that only. Do not dwell on my recent actions the last few days. This was a necessary evil that had to be executed in order for me to obtain my NAME back. The only thing that changes policy and garners attention is death. ——-, greatest friend, Marine officer, aviator, and an even better father and husband. I Couldn't have had a better big brother than you. Your spoken wisdom was always retained by me, you old salty Mustang. You sternly told me that no matter what I accomplish I will always be a ni#%er in many individuals eyes. At the time, I did not comprehend your words. I do now. I never forgot the quote you state below. I love you bro. I never saw a wild thing feel sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever feeling sorry for itself. -D.H. Lawrence It's kind of sad I won't be around to view and enjoy The Hangover III. What an awesome trilogy. ——-, greatest friend, Naval officer, aviator, Great Father, husband, doctor, and even better human being. I always strived to live my life parallel to your similar values and personal disciplines. ——- is lucky to have found a man like yourself, and you are fortunate to have married an irrefutable imperfect woman. Always focus on your IMMEDIATE family as they are the ones who have loved you unconditionally and always been their to support you in difficult times. I always lived my life as WW——-D (what would ——- do). ——-, take care of this guy. ——-, I'm sorry I missed your wedding and you had to find another best man. I'm sorry my predicament with the department stopped me from watching you and ——- get married and arguing with you about issues that were insignificant when I was really angry at the LAPD for what they did to me. I'm deeply sorry and I love you guys. ——-, great friend, attorney, father, husband, and the most cynical/blatant/politically incorrect friend a man can have. Best quality about you in college and now is that you never sugar coated the truth. I will miss our political discussions that always turned argumentative. Thanks for introducing me to outdoor sports like fishing, hunting, mudding, and also respect for the land and resources. Us city boys don't get out much like you Alaskans. You even introduced me to PBR. A beer, that when you're a poor college student is completely acceptable to get buzzed off of. I'm sorry I'll never get to go on that moose and bear hunt with you. I love you bro. ——-, greatest friend, accountant, entrepreneur, and even better Human being. You are probably the most well balanced person I've ever met and the most driven for success. In college, and after graduation, I was inspired by your personal drive. Never settle. When you make your first million, promise me you won't forget to enjoy it a bit. I know your first reaction will be to invest it somewhere else. Spend a little, just a little. I love you bro. ——-, great friend, entrepeneur, husband and father. You showed me the importance of fatherhood and friendship. Love you bro. ——-. You guys were all important and very special to me. Don't be angry with me. I missed some of your weddings and unfortunately, some of your funerals. This was a necessary evil. Gov. Chris Christie. What can I say? You're the only person I would like to see in the White House in 2016 other than Hillary. Some say it is my fault that I was terminated. Yes, ——-, I remember you stating this to me in an angry fit. You said that I should have kept my mouth shut about another officer's misconduct. Maybe you were right. But I'm not built like others, it's not in my DNA and my history has always shown that. When you view the video of the suspect stating he was kicked by ——-, maybe you will see that I was a decent person after all. I told the truth. It still hurt that you abandoned me in my time of need. I hope you're happy, that's all I ever wanted for you. Sgt. ——-, you meant well but you should have known with your time on the job that the department would attempt to protect someone like ——- because of her time on the job, personal friendships, and ethicity. I'm not angry with you, but you should have known as an IA investigator. Sgt ——- LPPD, Ofcr ——- LPPD (ret), and Chief ——- LPPD, your guidance and mentoring as a young police explorer was second to none and invaluable as a young man, police officer, and naval officer. Sgt ——-, you forewarned me long ago about joining LAPD as they were "different" and operated differently from other modern law enforcement agencies. I now know it was your humbleness and respect for all who wear the badge and protect their communities that you didn't just express what you wanted to say, that they lack values and basic ethics as law enforcement officers. Chief ——-, your fucking awesome. Thanks for the long talks over the years when I was an explorer, college student, Naval officer, and Police officer. Your are a great leader and carry your heart on your sleeve. Your son will be a great Air Force officer with the upringing you provided. ——-, what can I say? Your just an awesome person and my first exposure to what law enforcement was really about was on our ride alongs. Your realistic approach and empathetic approach to treating all people as humans first is something I carried with me daily. Thank you, every one of you. Dr. ——-, thank you for the superb surgery you performed on my knee on 7/98 in Irvine, CA. I never had the opportunity to thank you for allowing me to live a life free of knee joint pain. Thank you. CM1 ——- (Ret.), I learned more from you about leadership than most of my own commanders. You lived by a strict ethos of get it done, and get it done right. I wanted to attend your retirement, I really did. But because of my predicament I was unable to. Hope you and Ritchie are still together. I've always held you in high regard. Wayne LaPierre, President of the NRA, you're a vile and inhumane piece of shit. Sgt Maj. ——- USMC, Thank you for the intense instruction and mentorship and time spent forging me into a never quit officer. You were challenging as a DI. You made sure the vicious and intense personality I possess was discovered. On a lighter note....Don't feel humbled you never broke me. I made it a personal goal to never give up years before. The Corp is lucky to have you at the front. Your leadership is essential and needed for all marines, especially staff NCO's and mentorship and advisement to company grade officers. You are the epitome of a US marine and never forget that. I thank my friends for the awesome shared experiences. I thank the unnamed women I dated over my lifetime for the great and sometimes not so great sex. It's kind of sad I won't be around to view and enjoy The Hangover III. What an awesome trilogy. Todd Phillips, don't make anymore Hangovers after the third, takes away the originality of its foundation. World War Z looks good and The Walking Dead season 3 (second half) looked intriguing. Damn, gonna miss shark week. Mr. Vice President, do your due diligence when formulating a concise and permanent national AWB plan. Future generations of Americans depend on your plan and advisement to the president. I've always been a fan of yours and consider you one of the few genuine and charismatic politicians. Damn, sounds like an oxymoron calling you an honest politician. It's the truth. Hillary Clinton. You'll make one hell of a president in 2016. Much like your husband, Bill, you will be one of the greatest. Look at Castro in San Antonio as a running mate or possible secretary of state. He's (good people) and I have faith and confidence in him. Look after Bill. He was always my favorite President. Chelsea grew up to be one hell of an attractive woman. No disrespect to her husband. Gov. Chris Christie. What can I say? You're the only person I would like to see in the White House in 2016 other than Hillary. You're America's no shit taking uncle. Do one thing for your wife, kids, and supporters. Start walking at night and eat a little less, not a lot less, just a little. We want to see you around for a long time. Your leadership is greatly needed. Wayne LaPierre, President of the NRA, you're a vile and inhumane piece of shit. You never even showed 30 seconds of empathy for the children, teachers, and families of Sandy Hook. You deflected any type of blame/responsibility and directed it toward the influence of movies and the media. You are a failure of a human being. May all of your immediate and distant family die horrific deaths in front of you. Willie Geist, you're a talented and charismatic journalist. Chris Matthews, Joe Scarborough, Pat Harvey, Brian Williams, Soledad Obrien, Wolf Blitzer, Meredith Viera, Tavis Smiley, and Anderson Cooper, keep up the great work and follow Cronkite's lead. I hold many of you in the same regard as Tom Brokaw and the late Peter Jennings. Cooper, stop nagging and berating your guest, they're your (guest). Mr. Scarborough, we met at McGuire's pub in P-cola in 2002 when I was stationed there. It was an honor conversing with you about politics, family, and life. Willie Geist, you're a talented and charismatic journalist. Stop with all the talk show shenanigans and get back to your core of reporting. Your future is brighter than most. Revoke the citizenship of Fareed Zakaria and deport him. I've never heard a positive word about America or its interest from his mouth, ever. On the same day, give Piers Morgan an indefinite resident alien and Visa card. Mr. Morgan, the problem that many American gun owners have with you and your continuous discussion of gun control is that you are not an American citizen and have an accent that is distinct and clarifies that you are a foreigner. I want you to know that I agree with you 100% on enacting stricter firearm laws but you must understand that your critics will always have in the back of their mind that you are native to a country that we won our sovereignty from while using firearms as a last resort in defense and you come from a country that has no legal private ownership of firearms. That is disheartening to American gun owners and rightfully so. The honorable President George H.W. Bush, they never give you enough credit for your successful Presidency. You were always one of my favorite Presidents (2nd favorite). I hope your health improves greatly. You are the epitome of an American and service to country. General Petraeus, you made a mistake that the majority of men make once, twice, or unfortunately many times in a lifetime. You are human. You thought with your penis. It's okay.I personally believe you should have never resigned and told your critics to shove it. You only answer to two people regarding the affair, your wife and children, period. I hope you return to government service to your country as it is visibly in your DNA. General Colin Powell, your book "My American Journey" solidified my decision to join the military after college. I had always intended to serve, but your book and journey motivated me. You are an inspiration to all Americans and influenced me greatly. To all SEA's (senior enlisted advisers), you are just as important if not a greater viability to large and small commands. It's time you take a more active role in leading your enlisted and advising officers. These are not your twilight years or time to relax. You can either strengthen the tip of the spear, or make it brittle. You decide. Pat Harvey, I've always thought you carried yourself professionally and personally the way a strong black woman should. Your articulation and speech is second to none. You are the epitome of a journalist/anchor. You are America. Ellen Degeneres, continue your excellent contribution to entertaining America and bringing the human factor to entertainment. You changed the perception of your gay community and how we as Americans view the LGBT community. I congratulate you on your success and opening my eyes as a young adult, and my generation to the fact that you are know different from us other than who you choose to love. Oh, and you Prop 8 supporters, why the fuck do you care who your neighbor marries. Hypocritical pieces of shit. Westboro Baptist Church, may you all burn slowly in a fire, not from smoke inhalation, but from the flames and only the flames. Tebow, I really wanted to see you take charge of an offense again and the game. You are not a good QB by todays standards, but you are a great football player who knows how to lead a team and WIN. You will be "Tebowing" when you reach your next team. I have faith in you. Get out of that circus they call the Jets and away from the reality TV star, Rex Ryan, and Mark Rapist Sanchez. Christopher Walz, you impressed me in Inglorious Basterds. After viewing Django Unchained, I was sold. I have come to the conclusion that you are well on your way to becoming one of the greats if not already and show glimpses of Daniel Day Lewis and Morgan Freeman-esque type qualities of greatness. Trust me when I say that you will be one of the greatest ever. Jennifer Beals, Serena Williams, Grae Drake, Lisa Nicole-Carson, Diana Taurasi, N'bushe Wright, Brenda Villa, Kate Winslet, Ashley Graham, Erika Christensen, Gabrielle Union, Isabella Soprano, Zain Verjee, Tamron Hall, Gina Carano, America Ferrara, Giana Michaels, Nene, Natalie Portman, Queen Latifah, Michelle Rodriguez, Anjelah Johnson, Kelly Clarkson, Nora Jones, Laura Prepon, Margaret Cho, and Rutina Wesley, you are THE MOST beautiful women on this planet, period. Never settle, professionally or personally. Dave Brubeck's "Take Five" is the greatest piece of music ever, period. Hanz Zimmer, William Bell, Eric Clapton, BB King, Bob Marley, Sam Cooke, Metallica, Rob Zombie, Nora Jones, Marvin Gaye, Jay-Z, and the King (Louis Armstrong) are musical prodigies. Jeffrey Toobin and David Gergen, you are political geniuses and modern scholars. Hopefully Toobin is nominated for the Supreme Court and implements some damn common sense and reasoning instead of partisan bickering. But in true Toobin fashion, we all know he would not accept the nomination. John and Ken from KFI, never mute your facts and personal opinions. You are one of the few media personalities who speak the truth, even when the truth is not popular. I will miss listening to your discussions. Bill Handel, your effin awesome. For years I enjoyed your show. Anthony Bourdain, you're a modern renaissance man who epitomizes the saying "too cool for school". Larry David, Kevin Hart, the late Patrice Oneal, Lisa Lampanelli, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK, Dave Chapelle, Jon Stewart, Wanda Sykes, Dennis Miller, and Jeff Ross are pure geniuses. I'm a big fan of all of your work. As a child my mom caught me watching Def Jam comedy at midnight when I should have been asleep. Instead of scolding me, the next night she let me stay up late and watch George Carlin, Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor comedy specials with her for hours. My sides were sore for days. Larry David, I agree. 72-82 degrees is way to hot in a residence. 68 degrees is perfect. Cyclist, I have no problem sharing the road with you. But, at least go the fucking speed limit posted or get off the road!!! That is a feasible request. Livestrong you fraudulent assholes. Cardinal Mahoney, you are in essence a predator yourself as you enabled your subordinates to molest multiple children in the church over many decades. May you die a long and slow painful death. If you continuously followed me while I was walking at dusk/night I would confront you as well. Too bad Trayvon didn't smash your skull completely open, Zim. While Trayvon's body erodes to bones 6 feet under, Zimmerman has put on no less than 40 pounds while out on bail. Zimmerman was arrested for battery on a Peace officer and avoided jail/prison because he completed a diversion program. Thats a history of being an asshole. Zimmerman couldn't get hired by a LE agency because of poor credit/and a history of violence/restraining orders with women. So what does he do? Designate himself, neighborhood watch captain and make complaints to his city council about the horrible work ethic and laziness of the officers patrolling his neighborhood. Good one Zim. How classy that your father attempts to use his veterans status "disabled veteran" during your bail hearing but doesn't state what his disability percentage is. Prior service personnel know it can be 5% disability to 100%. You and your attorneys always avoid mentioning your fathers occupation as a magistrate/judge because I'm sure he's utilized his position to get you out of way more jams then the public has discovered and that your family is not indigent. Oh, tell your wife to stop perjuring herself in court. KCCO Anonymous, you are hated, vilified, and considered an enemy to the state. I personally view you as a culture and a necessity that brings truth to a cloaked world. Forge ahead! Charlie Sheen, you're effin awesome. My opinion on women in combat MOS', Designators, Rates, and AFSC's. I wish all of you who attempt to pursue combat occupational roles the greatest success in completing, graduating, and qualifying in their respective schools/courses. Many want to see you fail. Remember, everyone of you is a pioneer. There was a time when they didn't allow blacks to fight the good fight. This is your civil rights. Don't quit!!! It's time to allow gay service member's spouses to utilize the same benefits that all heterosexual dependents are eligible for. Medical, Dental, Tricare, Deers, SGLI, BX, Commissary, Milstar, MWR, etc. Flag officers, lets be honest. You can't really give a valid argument to as why gays shouldn't be eligible as every month a new state enacts laws that allow same sex marriage. LGBT community and supporters, the same way you have the right to voice your opinion on acceptance of gay marriage, Chick Fil-A has a right to voice their beliefs as well. That's what makes America so great. Freedom of expression. Don't be assholes and boycott/degrade their business and customers who patronize the locations. They make some damn good chicken! Vandalizing (graffiti) their locations does not help any cause. Mr. Bill Cosby, you are a reasonable and talented man who has spoken the truth of the cultural anomalies within the black communities that need to change now. The black communities' resentment toward you is because they don't like hearing the truth or having their clear and evident dirty laundry aired to the nation. The problem is, the country is not blind nor dumb. They believe we are animals. Do not mute your unvarnished truthful speech or moral compass. Blacks must strive for more in life than bling, hoes, and cars. The current culture is an epidemic that leaves them with no discernible future. They're suffocating and don't even know it. MLK Jr. Would be mortified at what he worked so hard for in our acceptance as equal beings and how unfortunately we stopped progressing and began digressing. Chicago's youth violence is a prime example of how our black communities values have declined. We can not address this nation's intolerant issues until we address our own communities morality issues first. Accountability.

Christopher Dorner

[yespoetry]

A Review of Dean Kostos' ‘The Boy Who Listened to Paintings: A Memoir’

By Michael McKeown Bondhus

Early in Dean Kostos’s memoir of bullying and abuse, a childhood art teacher takes him and a couple of other kids out to the countryside to paint landscapes. In what’s clearly a formative moment, Kostos describes how his teacher complimented him on his “ability to find secret colors—a [farmhouse’s] rosy, ash-colored roof, which other students simply painted gray.” As it turns out, “finding secret colors” is a key to the book as a whole.

To describe The Boy Who Listened to Paintings (Spuyten Duyvil, 2019) as a memoir about trauma would be like describing the Mona Lisa as a painting of a woman—accurate, but oversimplified. It would also be reductive to describe it as a book about art’s redemptive potential. Given the book’s exquisite craft—its images, its motifs, its repetitions—it would be better to say that The Boy Who Listened to Paintings is, in its own way, a painting. And a poem. And a memoir.

It does not take long for the reader to be plunged into the depth of Kostos’s pain. Mercilessly bullied at school and trapped in the role of peacemaker between his feuding parents, he describes an adolescent suicide attempt that was disrupted by his hearing the Beatles’ “Eleanor Rigby” playing on the radio. Lennon’s plaintive lyrics “All the lonely people” resonate with the teenaged Kostos, as they might with any marginalized person, but Kostos takes it beyond simple identification—“With the words of the song pouring into my ears, my mind thought beyond words. The music filled me the way watercolor drenches paper.” This type of lovely synesthesia pervades the book as he realizes that “one ally would be there when everything else abandoned me. Beauty: leaves shot through with veins. Beauty: a brush dripping with color. Beauty: light streaming from a painting. Beauty: a song keening from my radio. I decided to live.”

While his suicide attempt is undoubtedly one of the most poignant moments in the memoir, less immediately visible is Kostos’s oddly beautiful description of the neckties he had used to construct the noose: “Neckties. I had a dozen: striped, paisley.” There is nothing florid about this description and it could easily be overshadowed by his subsequent epiphany about beauty, yet something about the simple image and its poetic syntax resonates. Perhaps it’s because it is so characteristic of this young man to recognize style and pattern even in such a critical moment. Though some might see this as “glorifying pain,” the writer’s ability to draw beauty out of his suffering is what saves him time and again.

Kostos eventually has himself committed to the Institute of Pennsylvania Hospital (known colloquially as “the Toot”)  to escape the extreme bullying he’s experiencing at boarding school. The bulk of the memoir is focused on his time in the Toot, the people he meets there, and his many encounters with “secret colors.” For example, one inmate Kostos encounters is the delightful Peggy, a patient he describes as “the clown lady” because of her orange wig and colorful bubblegum wrapper bracelets. Peggy comes across as something of an unconscious poet, describing snow falling into the Toot’s courtyard as “God’s dandruff falling jumbly from a tumble of white sky.”

In recalling events, Kostos shifts from Peggy’s observation to the following narration: “Many of us got up to admire the snow clinging to trees and houses…everything had been blanketed—immaculate, quiet. The therapist had us make snowflakes to decorate the ward with for the next holiday, Christmas.” Gently guiding us through three images—snow as dandruff, snow blanketing the earth, snowflake cutouts, Kostos reveals subtle gradations of white as if painting for the reader “a rosy, ash-colored roof, which other students simply painted gray.”  

A similarly well-crafted moment occurs later in the memoir. After experiencing a traumatic event involving one of his friends in the Toot, Kostos writes

I toweled off and walked to the ward for the first time that day. Reaching the dining room, I was silent. A blurry sensation pushed through my body. Everything got on my nerves: the dissonant sound of the TV and its canned laughter, somebody arguing with a nurse, the smell of greasy food. Dad’s words played in my head like a confusing static. After picking at a dinner roll, I drifted back to my room.

Again, the subtle art of these lines reminds the reader of Kostos’s background as an extensively published, award-winning poet. Quiet rolling r’s and softly hissing s’s pervade the passage as Kostos “drifts” between ward and room, dissociated, dully registering sounds and smells through a haze of grief. The near synesthesia of a “blurry sensation push[ing]” and “words like static” invokes both mental illness and his earlier observation that “colors had sounds and vice versa,” a discovery that allows for “a new way of seeing.” And it is, as this “new way of seeing” ultimately carries him through his dark nights of the soul.

Though there are many memoirs about abuse and trauma, what sets Kostos’s apart are its painterly and poetic sensibilities. While skimming The Boy Who Listened to Paintings to write this review, I found myself noticing motifs that I hadn’t on my first read. It was as if reading the book was akin to looking at a painting close-up, while skimming allowed me to step back and see how all the lines and brushstrokes worked together to create a deceptively simple whole. Not surprisingly, Kostos packs a lot of narrative and emotional content into this slim book, but by attuning their eyes (and ears) readers will also be strongly impacted by this wonderful memoir’s many “secret colors.”

Michael McKeown (formerly Charlie) Bondhus is an Irish-American writer. He's the author of Divining Bones (Sundress, 2018) and All the Heat We Could Carry (Main Street Rag, 2013), winner of the Thom Gunn Award for Gay Poetry. His work has appeared in Poetry, Poetry Ireland Review, The Missouri Review, Columbia Journal, Hayden’s Ferry Review, Bellevue Literary Review, and Copper Nickel. He has received fellowships from the Virginia Center for Creative Arts, the Sundress Academy for the Arts, and the Hawthornden Castle International Retreat for Writers (UK). He is associate professor of English at Raritan Valley Community College (NJ).  More at: http://charliebondhus.com.