#counsellor session
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The real pain of Getting Into Fountain Pens is the fact that this is an item that is a Luxury Purchase in the higher-end forms, where the quality legitimately massively improves by putting more money into it, and we have personally experienced how much better a spendier fountain pen is compared to a cheaper one, but we are also the kind of person where everything over $10 gets sorted into the category of "major purchase" and the fact that there are people in the hobby who say that, like, three hundred dollar pens are must-haves is doing a process to our brain, and it is not a good one.
It is remarkably hard to comprehend that there are people who can just spend three hundred dollars on something. It is also remarkably hard to comprehend that we could spend three hundred dollars on something and it would not take out our entire food budget for all of that month. The government should give us money more often
#we speak#note: we are in a weird situation with these rn where basically all of our “not keeping us alive” money#is going into this one hobby exclusively. and we dont necessarily get That much spare money but we have the cash rn#that we can afford to support fundraisers and also get cool junk for ourself without starving#(because of the grant from the program that is currently putting us in situations the counsellor has described as “that's actual torture”)#(but you know how it is with capitalism)#(very funny to us that we got into the counsellor after a bunch of “it's not that bad” and “you just have to show up”)#(and on legitimately the second session she described the conditions we've been going through as “legitimate torture”)#(vindication! we get more breaks now! very funny to get another point for the “we do actually know what we're doing with ourself”)#(after like. a month and a half of people telling us that we don't know whats best for ourself)#(ah well. we got another two months of this before we can get the rest of the grant. heres hoping we survive this gamers)
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bad days bad days
#i spent it fully in my bed#skipped breakfast lunch#don't have the energy to talk about it even#i went to my institute counsellor today#rough session. cried in that horrible way (just instant waterworks while talking)#now im going to make noodles eat then go to studyroom#it hurts that it's just unfair#it's so unfair#studyblr#student#uni student#uniblr#academia
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how have i gone from being difficult and quiet to being a catastrophic yapper oh my god 😭
#i did counselling a couple years ago#and it took that poor woman so much to get a word out of me#first session with a campus counsellor today#i yapped til kingdom come 😭#i dont think i have ever said so much so fast#she just sat there blinking#so real for that tbh#i mentioned soy luna and rtc 😎#funny thing is i barely looked at her 😭#just full on yap sesh
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"well i WASNT a problem child i was just really really bad at submitting assignments on time" no. untrue. you only think that because every time you were "being bad" you didnt register it cause you just thought the adults were being unreasonable. well anyway not like anyone has any proof anyway (no memories of childhood + no desire to ask anyone whod remember. so its like it didnt happen)
#leologisms#vaguely remember that in primary school when i was like. 7 or 8. i had to go to the counsellor weekly to do this session w a handful of#other kids. because i wasnt good at socialising or because i was too shy or something like that. well. whatever. it didnt happen
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this is not helping my case when i say im pretty sure im not manic but straight up my best posts are made when im sleep deprived or tired if only because i lack inhibitions and actually fucking post and say what im thinking instead of worrying if i sound stupid.
#dils declares#first session with my new counsellor she looked at me and was like hey i think you have severe social anxiety. like really bad.#i knew i had social anxiety. but severe was news to me.
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“Where Will Graham is concerned, if you feel the impulse to step forward, you must force yourself to take a step back.” “And just watch him lose his mind?” “Sometimes all we can do is watch.” no the thing is its not though is it you can do you job for gods sake both of you
#hannibal#hr3#my mother (cbt counsellor) would probably find that funny#psychiatrist prescribes drugs and 'all we can do is watch'#neither prescribe any drugs though sjdcbjsjs#bedelia could have said yeah dont be his friend its unethical. but she went with 'give up' what is ur problem#fully believe she gets smashed on wine before every session and just says bullshit since she's technically not working anymore#and if hannibal wants to ignore that then thats his problem
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:)
#had my last session with my counsellor today shes been really helpful#but i forgor it was our last one#so I fuckin sprinted home#made cookies and wrote her a card#and managed to bring them back to her just as she was leaving work#think she really appreciated it!
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Thinking about when my last therapist asked me what I found physically attractive and she'd already been so "I can't help you until you're dating someone" and "so you think you're bisexual" at me (for context: I was 25 at this point and had been out for 13 years and I'd only mentioned that to her for context when talking about an ex-girlfriend) that I really didn't want to get into anything like "well actually the thing I find most attractive is when someone is incredibly passionate about something and incredibly skilled at that thing" or god forbid "honestly people become more attractive to me after I've got to know them well and I've developed a strong friendship with them", so I just gave a generic answer of "well, I like dark hair and dark eyes" (which is not untrue! that's a general trend and definitely things I find aesthetically attractive! but they're not... y'know... top of my list of attractive traits or in any way deal breakers) and before I could expand or even like say a third thing she gave me this really pitying look and went, "Oh, so the opposite of yourself 😔" and I just... I was in my pastel pink hair phase. It was very obviously a fucking chosen colour, and I had told her I liked dying my hair because she had commented on it before, so I don't know where the hell that psychonalysis was coming from. Frankly, I find people who dye their hair or enjoy changing things like hairstyle up frequently attractive because it's a common interest, and that aside, my natural hair colour isn't super dark, but I am brunette, which was obvious because my roots were showing. (As for eyes, I do have blue eyes, but they're not ice blue, my former housemate thought I had brown eyes for the first, like, four years that we knew each other so they're not the lightest shade in the world.)
I am going to be stuck on "oh, the opposite of yourself" as an "I've connected two dots" "you didn't connect shit" moment for the rest of my life. I don't know what the point of this post was, just like... my hair is dark violet at the moment and every time I'm doing it my brain goes "learning to love yourself 😌" or some shit, like it was such a stupid fucking moment, it lives rent free in my brain.
#she was one of the two experts in her particular field in country apparently#i met both of them though didn't bother going to see the other#she started our meeting with 'well you saw her so there's nothing different i can do for you'#so what was the fucking point#anyway shop around for your therapists/counsellors#because my first counsellor was an absolute gem and this isn't an anti-counselling post#there's just a lot of fucking idiots out there#couldn't get her head around me not getting into a random relationship IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING PANDEMIC just for our sessions#refused to believe I wasn't abused as a child#kept lying to me about treatment options that were openly listed on the nhs website#got passive aggressive when I said I'd seen a chiropractor#would not entertain the notion of 'this might not be psychosexual in my case'#top tier medical care I guess i'm just salty tonight#adventures in vaginismus#rowan rants
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remember when i said i was gonna drop out? yeah no my uni put me on a program for vulnerable students and i’ve been on trains since 6:30am just to sit in a room with someone and have them supervise me doing work <3 i love being belittled <3 i love my valid concerns about my physical and mental health being answered by being put in the equivalent of detention <3
#i feel like a child#i have a session with my uni counsellor today too but everyone knows how useless they are#also you only get six? like okay no time at all to build a relationship or open up in the slightest#jeantxt
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I really need a therapist that’s okay with the fact that I’m basically not a good person
#i feel like every counsellor i’ve had has been focused on trying to make me better#which… okay now that i’ve said it of course that makes sense. i was there to get better#but i mean it’s like… they don’t JUST want me less insane. they also want me to be a better person#which i GET and i’ll do certain parts of it but i mean. there’s a certain point where i’m just not living my truth anymore#like i’d foster a hundred dogs and start wearing grass shoes to help save the planet#but if you ask me to stay positive and channel my anger into something creative and to hold my peace when something pisses me off#telling me to have nice thoughts? telling me not talk shit? impossible#if i see bullshit happening before me; i will think ‘that’s fucked up’ and i will ask if anyone else saw it!#i really need someone to rant to who isn’t going to try to make it into a productive reflective time#let me essentially sit in your room and scream and swear and be irrational and DON’T point out how wrong i am#or how i need to get out of certain patterns of thinking. i already know and i DON’T need to hear it again#we’ll do that another time. for now you just need to let me go banshee mode until i’ve got it all out#i really need banshee mode sessions and personal development sessions to be spread the fuck out#personal
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Every time I have counselling, I go into the session thinking "hm, I don't think I have anything to talk about this week, I'm ok" and then I talk for an hour straight in the session and hang up thinking "well. fuck."
#ive only had a few sessions so far but she keeps handing me revelations about myself and its like. ok. what the fuck actually.#half a dozen counsellors before this one and they couldnt have pointed me in the right direction??#altho today i did have the pleasure of stumping her lol. she said “wow. ok. ive never come across this before ill have to think about it”#im doing so well in therapy. a+ for sure#ellis posts
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I want retired!john with a bad knee and a pudgy belly who spends his time helping at risk youth because I love to imagine that john was a troublemaker in his youth who just needed a strong role model in his life
being his pretty wife who brings baked goods for their group sessions, you remember every face who introduces themselves to you. make all the kids feel seen every time you greet them at the youth center, asking how the test they were talking about last week went
even if they give john a hard time, they can’t bring themselves to be mean to their youth counsellor’s wife because she’s just so sweet
being the “safe” house in the neighbourhood, door always open for the teens who’d rather not go home. who don’t have parents they can ask for advice or a warm meal waiting for them tonight
is this too niche and boring? or is there something here?
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i should be in therapy that's like 300% more intense honestly
#im in community center counselling#and i love my counsellor shes cool but the amount of like. Symptoms. and Issues. that i need to get thru#that i so will not in the. 10? free sessions? give or take?#is astronomical
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can my natural hair stop coming out randomly like😭😭😭
#[ caiti .ᐟ ]#its so annoying#IT JUST DID IN SCHOOL I WANTED TO DIE#MIDDLE OF MY CRYING SESSION WITH OUR COUNSELLOR BYE
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