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hyperfixonthis · 4 years ago

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LONG POST | personal vent thing feel free to skip

Tbh I think I'm coming down with an eating disorder. I have noticed how for a while I've done nothing but eat one thing after another, even if I just finished eating.

I'd be like "alright time to get to writing, I ate my lunch and put off writing for long enough. Time to get to work" and then my mind would be like but what about desert?? And then I'd want ice cream. I tried to write, knowing myself well enough that I should give myself time to digest my other food because it was at the tiping point of "one more bite and you'd feel sick"

So I tried writing, but couldnt focus because I couldn't think of anything but food. Sitting there mentally squirming to get up and grab a ice cream bar. I eventually gave in, but felt bad afterwards because I, once again, didn't get any work done and just consumed more calories to procrastinate.

After that ice cream, my sister made mozzarella sticks and she made some for me so I ate those... then later I finished off a family sized bag of sun chips. And THEN I ate yet more ice cream but this time my pint of Ben and Jerry's. There's also some fudge rounds thrown in there between large snacks whenever I thought about the possibility of getting to work on some of my drawing and writing ideas.

Every time I thought of being productive... my brain just shut down and would only think of food. As if being creative made me extremely stressed and I was using the "I can't, I'm eating rn" excuse to get out of it (which is frequently used in my household to get out of having to put the cats outside, to do various little chores, and to avoid dealing with any small children who are visiting, etc)

Which, I guess, when dissecting my own brain about it- is because I've done nothing but sit on my ass for so long, that doing something feels too big of a challenge or hurts my self image when I see what I actually produce VS the idea that I had, and my way to avoid that feeling and yet still not feel like a total lazyass anymore... is to say "I'm eating. I'm not doing nothing, I just can't do that thing right now because I'm eating" so... I kept eating.

Once I REALLY realised I was doing this (like a few days ago) noticing how all my favorite foods have been eaten and I don't have them to distract myself with anymore... I tried to deny myself food from then on. Of course, this made me feel like shit, so I kept giving in anyways.

I felt like shit if I ate, I felt like shit if I denied it. It went on like this for about 2 or 3 weeks, maybe even 4 since I might have not noticed it.

But, yesterday, I limited myself on the chips. It was another day of one snack right after the other. I was eating them late at night and I was like... No, I need to type. I don't want greasy chip fingers on my keyboard, so I can't eat too many. And, though it had a slow start, I got another page done within only about 2 or 3 hours and ended up just leaving the chips open next to me the entire time. It wasn't much, but it was something. I felt better and I wasn't as scared or stressed to write than I was when I had spent a solid 5 days away from writing. Also the motivation to not eat in order to keep my keyboard nice and tidy was a smart move, bravo to myself on that.

Today was a busy day or driving back and forth from place to place so that helped me deny cravings... But, guess what? I didn't stop and get a Dairy Queen blizzard like I usually do. I am proud of myself for that, because even before this I would usually get one. I felt shitty at first, until I finally drilled it through my head that it's for my own good, I shouldn't feel like shit because I made this choice and I should respect that. There's no reason to feel like shit, it's just ice cream, a temporary fix, and not having it isn't hurting me. And there's a legitimate, warm lunch waiting at home for me (Because I was hungry for real). I also thought about that time I got a wonder woman blizzard and only like the top 2 inches had any toppings blended in >.> Which made me kind of dissapointed-mad

Ah, and guess what? Today I ate my lunch, and haven't had a snack since! Thanks to the busy day.... but, it's setting me on a better path! And right now I am legitimately hungry, not just bored or procrastinating (well, I'm always procrastinating but that's beside the point!) So... I will make myself some actual food, and NOT get a snack or ice cream!... If you would call Ramen noodles actual food.

Maybe I'll just make a sammich instead. Idonno if the meat is old. And I kind of feel like something warm to calm my bleeding uterus. So probably noodles. Though, the sweetness of the ice cream (Ben and Jerry's phish food, the best one) is calling me... But I deny it! I must save it for another day, as celebration for putting out another chapter update! I will. The ice cream bars are for dessert only. They're best when I can see them melting in the warm daylight as I sit with my back to the sun, proof reading what I've written so far through my shadow on the screen.

Hm, yes. I think I got this. Both this story and my possibly newly developing food addiction. Stopping it before it gets to the diagnosable point.

Anxiety is a bitch. I'm going to run my constantly freezing cold hands up anxiety's back and grab it by the neck, and tell that little bastard that I DON'T care, I'm going to write shit and have fun with it and once again for the self consciousness in the back, I D O N O T care I'm having fun with this and going to YEET those who try to douse my fun time right outta my brain. I need to make room for better things like drawings I'll never make because I have yet to reach this level of... whatever I'm typing here... to say all this about my drawing ability. Not yet.

The end.

#long post #vent

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bolontiku · 8 years ago

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*not my images*

A Joker A/U

“Smile Kitten”

Part 4

Summary: The Joker finds you wandering the streets and decides to take you home. The Batman has ‘saved’ you from the Joker and leaves you at your best friends home.

***

You felt groggy. The last thing you remembered was fighting the Bat as best you could, you werent sure what happened. Where were you? You looked around the room, it was smaller than Jay’s bedroom, still it looked familiar as if you had been here before.

The door opened and all you could do was scoot further up the bed. A head popped in and you let out a sigh of relief. “Fuck! Ohh, my god! Dick! Where am I?!” you asked running your hands through you hair, you put a hand over your chest where your heart thudded. Your best friend from collage smiled as he stepped into the room.

Richard John ‘Dick’ Grayson, he had actually worked with you on your BatApp. He had heard through mutual friends you were working on an App that would and could track the Batman in real time. Giving people plenty of time to clear an area. He had dated your friend Barbara Gordon while in high school, was adopted by the billionaire Bruce Wayne and was hot as all hell. After meeting him you and he had hung out several times, you had always harbored a secret crush on your friends boyfriend, but you were not the kind of girl to steal a friends man. When they had broken up you were dating Matt. Not that you knew that he felt more than friendship towards you. Either way you were happy that Dick was now a great friend to you.

He flashed you his million dollar smile, “Glad your awake,” he pushed past the door a tray in his hands. he balanced a bowl of soup on it, “Hey so i brought you some chicken noodle soup. It always made me feel better.”

You smiled as you took the tray from him and sat it in your lap. “Thanks. DIck, uhhhh, not to sound ungrateful but how did i get here? This is your room right?”

He smiled as he sat down next to you. “Yeah about that, Barbara’s dad showed up here with you. Barbara’s outta town he didnt know who else to turn to and since he recognized you he brought you here. He said Batman rescued you from the Joker. I guess he found you in the Joker’s closet??” he perked an eyebrow at you as you stuck the spoon in your mouth. “Are you okay? Did that guy do something to you?”

“NO! God no! Joker wouldnt hurt me!” you exclaimed earning a confused look from your best friend. you sighed and set the tray aside. “Dick, its not like that. Well he’s not like that. I know!” you yelled throwing your hands in the air as he looked at you. “I know I sound crazy!” shaking your head you sighed, “He was nothing but kind to me...”

He crossed his arms across his chest pursing his lips. He couldnt tell you that he was the vigilante known now as Nightwing and he worked alongside Batman every now and again. He didnt mention he had seen video on your App of Joker kidnapping you or that he had made plans to rescue you with Batman. “Tell me what you mean,” he sighed.

You looked down at your hands. How could you explain? “I guess its because, its because I broke up with Matt.” You hadnt thought of your boyfriend, you cringed and corrected yourself mentally. Ex-boyfriend.

Dick perked an eyebrow, now completely interested. “Matt and you broke up?” he asked, “how is it Matt’s fault that Joker kidnapped you?”

You cleared your throat. “No, it’s not that Jay kidnapped me- well, he did, but thats beside the point.”

“He didnt kidnap you? I saw the video, you know he’s a bad guy right?” you shook your head and then rubbed your face. Dick took your hands in his, “Y/N you know he’s a bad guy? clinically insane, hes a psychopath. No one understands what the guys thinking! He kills people.”

You took in a shaky breath, “But he didnt hurt me.”

“He probably wanted you to be his new Harley, you know she left him right? Thats what everyone is saying, she is working with Poison Ivy now. He treated her so badly-hey,” Dick wiped the tears that started falling and pulled you into his arms. “I’m sorry, I didnt mean to hurt your feelings.”

“Why am I never good enough?” You sobbed clinging to his shirt.

‘Way to fucking go Grayson,’ he thought. ‘Nice way to put yourself in the running!’ Dick sighed, “Hey, no look at me,” pulling away he tipped your chin up till you met his gaze with your watery one. ‘Fuck shes too damn cute!’ he cleared his throat and couldnt resist planting a kiss on the end of your nose. “Lets get out of here. I’ll take you out and we will have lunch, I’ll buy you whatever you want. We’ll catch a movie, what do you say?”

You sniffled, “I can get anything?”

Dick chuckled, “guess I cant say no now can I? Where did you get these clothes, is it what you were wearing when you broke up with Matt?” You nodded looking up at him. Dick smiled, “Look jump in the shower, you can borrow a pair of my sweats and a Tee, we’ll go out and buy you a proper outfit first thing.”

You nodded gratefully. “Thanks Dick, you have no idea how much i appreciate it.”

Dick shook his head as you posed for him in a ridiculous outfit, it even came with a hat. You had changed five times already, but you were having too much fun to stop now. Of course you only wanted two outfits, there was no way you could actually take advantage of him. He waited patiently as you went to change back into your outfit.

You came back out once you had changed into a pair of jeans and a top, pulling on a pair of knee high boots, a sigh of relief escaping you. “You know i feel much better now.” you smiled at Dick.

Dick wrapped an arm around your shoulders and dropped a kiss to the top of your head. “No problem beautiful. I want you to remember I will always be there for you.”

You bit your lip as he led you out of the building to the street, you looked around as you took a deep breath in. The last 24 hours had been hectic. Now with your friend by your side you felt more calm, it was crazy that you had been kidnapped by the Joker. It was even crazier to think he would be interested in you in the least. You were just....

There walking towards you in the light of day, strolling along the sidewalk as if he owned the damned place, wearing what looked like a black hooded cloak over his sleek pants and what you were sure was a button up was Joker. Several of the shoppers immediately recognized him and began running.

Dick saw your body language shift and he looked in the direction of your gaze and were the commotion had begun, “Joker.” He muttered as the King of crime came straight up to you. Dick pushed you behind him and was rewarded by several men jumping him.

“Jay! JAY! DONT HURT HIM!!” you cried out as Dick fought several men before they caught him and pinned him down.

Joker reached up and caressed your cheek, you couldnt help but turn your face into his hand placing a kiss to his palm. Jokers eyes brightened, “Hey there Kitty, kitty, kitty,” he purred before grabbing you and pulling you roughly against his body. You gasped as his grip on you was rough. “Daddy’s missed you, that bad Bat took you away did he? Aaaaannnnd...who’s this?!” he asked skipping away from you to circle Dick, giving him a swift kick in the side. Dick groaned and turned his head to the side trying to watch him as best he could.

You moved forwards, wrapping your hands around Joker’s arm and puling him away, placing a hand on his cheek you forced him to look at you. “He’s a friend.”

Joker perked an eyebrow at you, “A friend you say? He was being awfully chummy with you,” he grumbled glaring at Dick.

“Don touch her!” Dick warned, struggling against the hands that held him down. You were surprised at how many guys it took, six to be exact.

Joker laughed, pulling away from you and grabbing the bat one of the men carried. He swung it loosely, “Boy, do you know who your talking to?!” He demanded. One of the men moved as to not get hit if Joker decided to use it.

You needed to distract him, “Jay...you came for me,” you squeaked stepping towards him, you didnt want Dick to get hurt. He had been such a great friend, always listening to you when you need to vent about Matt while you dated him. Even after he had broken up with Barbara he was always texting you and making time to hang out with you. Never once asking about Barb but always asking about your day...you looked at Dick as he struggled. “Dick,” you whispered realization dawning on you.

“Dick? as in Dick Grayson?!” Joker clapped his hands together. “Frost, get the car.” he motioned for the guys to pick him up and they dragged him to his feet, Joker turned to you all of a sudden, “and of course I came for you kitten.” his voice was low and you felt a shiver run through you as he stepped closer to you, his hands slipping around your waist and pulling you closer to him.

“Jay, he’s a friend, Can’t you just leave him?” you asked looking up at him coyly.

He smirked at you, “Kitten, if I let every little snot nosed fuck walk away that would be bad for my rep, plus he will get daddy a pretty pretty penny.” He booped your nose and leaned in for a quick kiss.

Dick jerked away from the men holding him, you cried out as Joker shoved you roughly behind him and swung hard. You heard the crack as the bat connected with the side of Dicks head. “DICK!” you hurried to your friend who crumpled to the floor unconscious. “Dammit Jay!” you screamed angrily as you managed to get Dicks head into your lap. “I told you he’s my friend!”

Joker pulled you up to your feet and you pulled away, only to have Joker catch your arms in his hands. You stared up at him defiantly refusing to be afraid. Jokers fierce glare softened till he began to cackle, his laughter loud. “Damn Kitten, you arent afraid are you?”

You stuck your chin up, angry at him. “Why should I be? I know you can kill me if you wanted to Jay, so what? If ya want to go ahead and do it already!” your anger to great to keep your mouth shut.

Joker wrapped his arm around you grin spreading from ear to ear. “No, I think I’ll keep you instead. Look here’s Frost, I got us a new place Kitten.” He kissed your cheek and held the door open for you as his men grabbed Dick and tossed him into the SUV that followed Frost.

***

@hellkat2

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