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mixed-verse · 5 years ago

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[For Mobile Users] Compiled Info

(everything in the links is re-posted here!)

Season 2 Information

Ｈｅｒｅ　ｗｅ　ｇｏ　ａｇａｉｎ．．．

“Here we go again…”

Welcome back to Mixedverse!

The previous server ended awhile back, but due to prolonged interest in the AU and people wanting to do more for it, we’ve rebooted it! It’s a bit different now, though.

When we began the last server, most people didn’t really understand how things worked or exactly what was happening. Our biggest misunderstanding was assuming that MV (Mirrorverse) characters were being brought into the NV (Normalverse) world, rather then them both being merged into a middle ground.

Although that is still our official lore for this AU, we decided for the RP server we would go along with it! So…

For our AU, it’s the opposite of that.

The characters from the NV world have been sucked into the MV world, while going about their business. All you have to do to get there is blink.

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The most important changes have been to the application and muse receiving processes.

Applications for the most part have stayed the same, however there’s a new concept called muse lock that we’re using.

There are short periods where muses are unlocked. You may claim characters, trade characters with other people, and whatever else you wish to do with them during this time. However..

When you are muse locked you may not claim any new characters or obtain new characters in anyway. The only thing that you can still do is drop muses, however they may not be replaced with a new one until the next time that muses are unlocked.

Well, what are the times that muses are unlocked? What does that mean for joining?

Sadly, another thing that we’re going to be including is that you can only join while muses are unlocked. However, we will be accepting applications at any time! They’ll just only be approved once new muses can be taken. This also gives us time to look over everything and make sure that everyone has a fair shot at getting the muses that they want.

We are currently accepting applications!

The next time muses will be unlocked: July 1st - 4th 2019 ---------------------------

Mixedverse AU Information

ＷｅｌｃｏｍｅｔｏＭｉｘｅｄｖｅｒｓｅ

Ｔｗｏｖｅｒｓｅｓｍｅｒｇｅ，ｔｈｅｙ’ｒｅｓｉｍｉｌａｒｂｕｔｔｈｅｐｅｏｐｌｅｔｈａｔｒｅｓｉｄｅｉｎｔｈｅｍａｒｅ．．ｖｅｒｙｄｉｆｆｅｒｅｎｔ．Ａｎｄｎｏｏｎｅｋｎｏｗｓｗｈｏ’ｓｗｈｏ．

“Two verses merge, they’re similar but the people that reside in them are.. very different. And no one knows who’s who.”

Welcome to the Mixedverse AU! It’s a Mirrorverse AU where MV characters and normal characters (Normalverse) have been introduced to a similar, middle-ground verse.

At first, they might not notice anything at first. Maybe they only run into people from the same verse at first- But then, they notice that one of their friends is actually COMPLETELY abnormal. Slowly but surely they’ll eventually realize that something is wrong.

This is a good opportunity to explore different types of relationships! As well as have a slightly over-arching plot over the entire story.

ＭｉｒｒｏｒｖｅｒｓｅＩｎｆｏ

Mirrorverse is an AU that was inspired by the Spookyfish episode of South Park, where a mirrored version of Stan, Kyle, and Cartman came into the world. It’s most commonly known where it was represented in a Kyman fanfic, as well as artwork from sleepyeule. You do not need to have read this fic.

The basic premise is that the characters are.. well, mirrored. That doesn’t mean they’re complete opposites, but some of their most important traits are removed. The best example of this is with Cartman. Mirrorverse Cartman has his general horrible and selfishness removed- Which leaves him kind, empathetic, but he’s still pretty gullible and manipulative like he is normally.

[Note; if anyone is shying away from taking an MV character because they either don’t know how a character would act or haven’t done it before- I suggest taking a muse you normally wouldn’t do since they’re going to be mirrored. As well as, ask for help if you’re having trouble at all.]

ＮｏｒｍａｌｖｅｒｓｅＩｎｆｏ

Normalverse is a weird thing to call it, but it’s basically just the canon world! The characters are just as you know them, and there’s nothing too big to note.

(Tumblr is ran by Teal)

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Rules

Rules for the Discord group!

1. Have common decency. I’d prefer not to have multiple rules just telling you to be a chill person and respect people. No harassment, bullying, shaming people, etc. Just be reasonable, you don’t have to get along with everyone or be completely unconditionally nice, obviously, but be civil!

2. If you’re uncomfortable, tell someone. This goes hand in hand with the first thing, but if you have drama going on with someone, if you’re being harassed, or if you have a problem with someone, tell a mod or the owner. They’re there for a reason: to help you!

3. Stay in character. Keep in character, there will be a bit more lee-way for Mirrorverse characters than for Normalverse characters since they’re up to interpretation. There will still be standards for them, though, and expectations for how they should act in a mirrored sense. Relationships shouldn’t be changed entirely and characters shouldn’t have sporadic personality changes.

4. Whatever’s in the show is okay. South Park uses slurs constantly, is generally inappropriate and gross, and if you’ve watched the show then you should expect this. I’m completely up for helping people feel more comfortable if they do have things that really upset them, but I’d like to make it clear that I want people to be comfortable using what’s been aired on public television.

5. Minors are allowed. We’re more selective when it comes to people that are underage, but we do allow them! There’s no NSFW allowed, and be aware that some of the people you might interact with could be under 18.

6. Roleplay etiquette. Basically, follow the basic, more well-known roleplaying rules. No god-modding, auto-hitting, mary sues, self-inserts, match post length, try to keep from really small posts if you’re doing literate RP.

7. IC =/= OOC. If a character says something mean to a character in a roleplay, that’s from a character to another character. It’s not to you personally, and those things should be entirely independent of each other.

8. Please be active. If you know you have issues with activity, which is perfectly fine, please inform someone and try to take a role that’s not going to require you to be there constantly. IE, someone playing Stan and only being here once a week could be a problem, but someone playing a character like Pip or a kinder would be completely acceptable.

9. No ship drama. Please, don’t force-ship, don’t shame people for certain ships, for liking things, for not liking things. Shipping is really subjective and some people are different. However, on that note, pedophilic and incestuous ships aren’t accepted in this server in any respect.

10. Characters can die. Muses can be seriously injured and even killed! If a muse is killed, they will never be brought back.

11. Joining? To join the Discord server, submit an application to this Tumblr using the application. If you know someone that’s already in the server, it’s generally easier to get in.

We are accepting applications at all times!

We will be approving applications and letting people join the server through July 1st - 4th 2019.

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Masterpost

A list of all characters, available and unavailable.

[There are separate lists for Mirrorverse and Normalverse, scroll past the Normalverse list for the Mirrorverse one.]

Ｎｏｒｍａｌｖｅｒｓｅ

Main boys:

Eric Cartman

Kyle Broflovski

Stan Marsh

Kenny McCormick

Butters Stotch

Craig’s group:

Craig Tucker

Clyde Donovan

Jimmy Valmer

Token Black

Tweek Tweak

Girls:

Annie Knitts

Bebe Stevens

Charlotte

Esther

Ferrari (Raisins Girl)

Heidi Turner

Jenny Simon

Jessica Rodriguez

Leslie Meyers

Lexus Martin (Raisins Girl)

Lisa Berger

Lola

Mercedes (Raisins Girl)

Millie Larsen

Monica Ryland

Nichole

Patty Nelson

Porsche (Raisins Girl)

Rebecca Cotswolds

Red

Sally Darson

Tammy Warner

Wendy Testaburger

Goths:

Firkle

Henrietta Biggle

Michael

Pete Thelman

Vamp Kids:

Allison Mertz

Annie Bartlett

Larry

Katie “Bloodrayne” Gelson

Mike “Vampir” Makowski

Ryan Ellis

Vladimir

Kindergardeners:

Carlos/Billy

Conner Davis

Dave Harrison

Filmore Anderson

Flora

Ike Broflovski

Jenny

Quaid

Sally Bands

Other kids:

Baahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem

Bill Allen

Blanket Jefferson

Bradley (Cartman Sucks)

Bradley Biggle

Bridon Gueermo

Chris Donnely

Christophe Delorne

Corey Lanskin

Damien Thorn

David Rodriguez

Dogpoo Petuski

Douchebag (Stick of Truth)

Dougie (General Disarray)

Douglas

Estella Havisham

Fosse McDonald

Gary Harrison

Gregory of Yardale

Herbert Pocket

Jessica Pinkerton

Josh Myers (TP Kid)

Karen McCormick

Kelly (Rainforest Schmainforest)

Kevin McCormick

Kevin Stoley

Kip Drordy

Kyle Schwartz

Larry Feegan

Loogie

Mark Cotswolds

Nathan

Pip Pirrup

Romper Stomper

Scott Malkinson

Scott Tenorman

Shelly Marsh

Terrance Mephesto

Thad Jarvis

Thomas (Le Petit Tourette)

Timmy Burch

Trent Boyett

Tricia “Ruby” Tucker

Yao

Ｍｉｒｒｏｒｖｅｒｓｅ

Main boys:

Eric Cartman

Kyle Broflovski

Stan Marsh

Kenny McCormick

Butters Stotch

Craig’s group:

Craig Tucker

Clyde Donovan

Jimmy Valmer

Token Black

Tweek Tweak

Girls:

Annie Knitts

Bebe Stevens

Charlotte

Esther

Ferrari (Raisins Girl)

Heidi Turner

Jenny Simon

Jessica Rodriguez

Leslie Meyers

Lexus Martin (Raisins Girl)

Lisa Berger

Lola

Mercedes (Raisins Girl)

Millie Larsen

Monica Ryland

Nichole

Patty Nelson

Porsche (Raisins Girl)

Rebecca Cotswolds

Red

Sally Darson

Tammy Warner

Wendy Testaburger

Goths:

Firkle

Henrietta Biggle

Michael

Pete Thelman

Vamp Kids:

Allison Mertz

Annie Bartlett

Larry

Katie “Bloodrayne” Gelson

Mike “Vampir” Makowski

Ryan Ellis

Vladimir

Kindergarteners:

Carlos/Billy

Conner Davis

Dave Harrison

Filmore Anderson

Flora

Ike Broflovski

Jenny

Quaid

Sally Bands

Other kids:

Baahir Hassan Abdul Hakeem

Bill Allen

Blanket Jefferson

Bradley (Cartman Sucks)

Bradley Biggle

Bridon Gueermo

Chris Donnely

Christophe Delorne

Corey Lanskin

Damien Thorn

David Rodriguez

Dogpoo Petuski

Douchebag (Stick of Truth)

Dougie (General Disarray)

Douglas

Estella Havisham

Fosse McDonald

Gary Harrison

Gregory of Yardale

Herbert Pocket

Jessica Pinkerton

Josh Myers (TP Kid)

Karen McCormick

Kelly (Rainforest Schmainforest)

Kevin McCormick

Kevin Stoley

Kip Drordy

Kyle Schwartz

Larry Feegan

Loogie

Mark Cotswolds

Nathan

Pip Pirrup

Romper Stomper

Scott Malkinson

Scott Tenorman

Shelly Marsh

Terrance Mephesto

Thad Jarvis

Thomas (Le Petit Tourette)

Timmy Burch

Trent Boyett

Tricia “Ruby” Tucker

Yao

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Application: [OOC Info] Name: Age: Pronouns: Extra: [IC Info] Name: Verse: (Mirror or Normal) Age: [Main four are 17-18] Gender + Sexuality: Height: Appearance info: Extra: Personality: Headcanons: (Around 5 total) Roleplay sample: (Paragraph) [Don’t worry about formatting, formatting will be fixed after submission.]

(Use the submission option to send this!)

#info #rules #links

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themarchblessing · 6 years ago

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HEAVY WEIGHT

SABRINA

Throwing myself back on my bed I threw my arms over my chest to shield it from the fan’s power. I woke up before the sun did this morning and went for a long run/walk. I had a lot to think about during that time I made for myself. My thoughts were of the past, the move, Izaiah and how he’s doing in school, Julian not giving up on me, and what happened with Corey a few nights ago. That’s what’s been on my mind ever since it happened.

At first I was shocked because Corey has never ever made a move on me. So why after 27 years did he just plant one on me? Beats me. I do have to confess though, it was a really good kiss. It was different from my experiences with past boyfriends and Julian. It had a lot of emotion behind it because of the relationship we have. And because of whatever he was thinking about before it happened. We agreed that we wouldn’t talk about it and we would pretend it never happened. So far we’ve stuck to that. But when I’m alone I find myself thinking about that kiss more than I want to.

Getting off the bed I wandered onto my bathroom to take a shower and wash this sweat off of me. Why can’t I get him off my mind? He’s literally taking up so much of my thinking space.

“It never happened. It never happened..” I chanted as I moved my arm behind me to wash my back. Throwing my hair over my shoulder I continued to scrub my back and think of other things I have going on except Corey.

When I finally got done in the bathroom all together I moved into my bedroom seeing a few boxes that still needed to be unpacked. It’s another Friday and Izaiah is away at school until three. I have to go my Cypress office in a little bit. But on another hand I’m in the mood to just stay in the house. Just being in our new home having so much to finish setting up is exhausting to my mind. This señora life can be so tiring especially when I’m doing it on my own most days out of the week.

Like I always say to myself when I start to get frustrated, I can do anything in the name of faith.

“So do you want the job or not because if you don’t take this deal, you know that bastard Mark will steal her and get that promotion. Everyone knows he only gets ahead because he fucks, bribes, and steals his way to the top.” My assistant, Natalie rambled coming into view.

Sending off this email really quick I pushed myself away from the computer and over to the flat top she was standing at. I took the papers from her and scanned through the contract for the second time.

“No I’ll take this. Mrs. Hayes only wants me to work with her.” I said, jotting down some side notes. “I’ve ordered some new stamps with my signature on them. Stamp these documents and fax them over to Mrs. Hayes now. Thanks Nat.” Smiling at another successful deal I waited for Natalie to leave to make a personal call.

When I’m here at work I rarely make personal phone calls but this one is important.

“My angel I have been waiting for your phone call. Are you ok? How’s Izaiah? Is he adjusting well?” My mom fired off before I can even say hello.

“Mama, first off hi to you too. Yes we’re alright and he’s getting there. Corey has been such a big help when it comes to taking Zay’s mind off the move. How are you mommy?” Sitting back in my chair I spun around in my chair slowly, listening to her rustle around.

“Well..soy bueno para la mayor parte pero te extraño chicos. It’s not the same without you and Zay here. But nonetheless I’m very proud of you Sabrina for taking such a big step. I know being a single mother is hard but you make it look easy.” Hearing my mom share such intimate thoughts of how she views me is heartwarming.

“Thanks mommy. I really needed to hear that.” Twirling the ends of my hair and spinning around in my chair I replayed her comment over and over in my head. My mother and I talked for a continuous, uninterrupted thirty minutes. I vowed to mail her a check so she can take care of whatever she may need help with. She argued with me about not taking my help but I won that fight.

After our conversation I placed the check in a new envelope writing on the front a message to myself. Sticking it into my purse I threw my body back in the chair and spun around to look outside. I scanned my scenery loving the feeling of being back in my element. New York is all I know and although I enjoyed my time in Chino, I’m happy to be home. California and New York are both my homes but New York has treated me so very well. I wanted to give Izaiah a new adventure and coming back here was the right choice.

Having Corey and my other close friends and distant relatives in the same state is a big help as well. The only new path I’m going down is merging Julian and Izaiah’s life into one.

A ping from my phone forced my eyebrow upward. Who could that be? Spinning around and picking my cell up off the desk I saw a text from Julian. That’s weird..I haven’t really heard much from him since we met at the coffee shop. Not that I was expecting a daily morning and night text but at least something to know he’s still interested in what we discussed. The last thing I expected was to get a random text from the guy today.

I opened up his text and scanned over it feeling my heart stop.

From Julian: i miss u sabrina i really do. seeing you and us talking about Izaiah and you saying i can be apart of his life really fucked my head all up. anyway..i want to see you tonight. you remember where went the first time we went out? call me and I’ll meet you, I miss you and I can’t wait to see you..

“Wow.” I gasped. I don’t know how to feel or think about this. Him expressing his desire to see me and on such short notice is nerve wracking. Every time we went out back in the day ended up with us in a situation. Because of that it made being with him not necessary to go the sperm donor route, if you get what I mean. He’s a sweet guy, he’s very caring and attentive. But he’s reckless with the biggest parts of life. For example his sexual preference of when he wants some ass. He thought that just because of our arrangement that I owed him sex for fun. Almost like my lady parts were some sort of extracurricular activity he can invest in during his spare time. I explained to him exactly what I was expecting of him, just his sperm. I didn’t want the relationship to go as far as it did. I was careful not to lead this guy on but what happened anyway? He became very territorial and clingy. My 30th birthday was the last time Julian was truly comfortable to be around for me.

I finished my day out here inside the office and by the time I was stepping foot into the house I realized I forgot something. “Aw dammit..” I scoffed at my stupidity to not pay attention and slammed the door shut.

As I locked the door I set my things down and immediately called Corey. I asked him to pick up Zay from school and I completely forgot to go and get him after I left work. How could I forgot about my son’s whereabouts? What is going on with me? I’m serious when I say that night at Corey’s has really thrown me off track. I couldn't focus at work, I’m forgetting the littlest and sometimes most important things. I think I understand why his ex girlfriends were so hung up on his ass. Even such a simple act as a kiss can really shake a girl up. That’s exactly what I am, shaken up.

“Well..well..well. Did you have a busy day or are you just tired?” He teased as soon as the line connected.

“Corey..” I sighed. “Not now. Please.” I plead walking down the hall and stripping out of my clothes.

“Are you ok? You’ve been real off lately and Izaiah is starting to notice.” He pointed out making me freeze. I stepped right in my doorway and dropped my pants to the floor.

“He is? What has he said about me?” I frantically asked. This boy of mine is too smart for me to handle sometimes. At a time like this where I’m the subject of his questions makes me feel out of whack even more.

“Hold on a minute,” Corey stepped away from the phone and I just listened in. “She’s on her way man. No she didn’t forget you boy stop saying that. Chill out Izaiah, look just relax until she gets here. I’m stepping outside.” I heard his footsteps loud and clear and then a door opened up. Wind blowing past him came through the receiver confirming he’s out on his balcony.

“Is he mad at me?” I asked continuing on to the bathroom.

“He's curious and he’s worried about you. Listen Lori I know we agreed not to talk about what happened but I can’t seem to get it out of my head. I know you’re not thinking straight since I kissed you and I’m sorry for crossing that line. I told myself I never would but in a moment of weakness I was thinking with the wrong head. We gotta find a way to move on from this I just don’t know how.” He’s right. Us being on the same page is a breath of fresh air, I just don’t know how to move past what happened.

Dropping my bra to the floor I stared at myself in the mirror, my vision going straight to my scar. Leaning to the right I traced the length of it thinking about the moment Corey changed my view on him. Forever.

***Earlier in the week...

“I still have nightmares about it. I don’t think I’ll ever get the images of him hitting me out of my head.” I stated. I got Corey to focus on my eyes again and not just empty space. He looks so concentrated. He’s clearly deep in his thoughts but I can’t decipher what’s making him act so weird. “What’s wrong?” I asked holding onto his arms for support.

I know that look. I’ve had it directed at at me way too many times not to know what’s going to happen next. But Corey doesn’t strike me as the type to take a risk like this. And there it came. The initial shock of Corey kissing me wore off after about ten seconds. I would be a fool to say I’m not enjoying this even a little bit. Reality is, I haven’t had much intimacy in my life lately either so this right here is sort of giving me what I need.

I could never admit this to him but I’m enjoying the kiss more than I should. If my life was set up differently and I could have Corey as my man, I’d be all over him all the time.

“Mm..Corey..” I moaned accidentally but as a natural reaction. He stopped kissing me and retreated with guilt written all over his face.

“I’m sorry.” he apologized letting go of my face. His jaw muscles tightened and relaxed as he got lost in his head, not saying anything. “I don’t know where that came from.” He mumbled shamefully.

I found myself touching my lips wishing I could experience that at least one more time. Just once more.

“Can you do me a huge favor? I’d owe you…” Going to turn the shower on I walked out to my bedroom to gather some clothes. I found my most comfortable sweatpants and it’s matching crewneck along with my slippers to wear around the house.

“What you need?” he inquired.

“Can you bring Zay home? I don’t think I’m in the best shape to drive and I really just wanna get off my feet.” Closing the bathroom door behind me I set my things on top on the sink and lit a few candles. I even turned on my humidifier to keep the moisture in here last for a while.

“I got you B. I’ll call you when I’m outside. Take some time for yourself and just relax. Don’t let this boy see you fall apart especially over something like this. He depends on you and he loves you so pull yourself together. He don’t need to see his mom out of sorts and shit.” he preached in brutal honesty.

I smiled at how much he cares and set my phone on the counter. Pressing the speaker button I braided my hair and clipped it back, not wanting to get my hair wet tonight. “Thank you for your honesty. I don’t know what I’d do without you or you charming wit.”

Corey chuckled as a gust of wind went past the mouthpiece of his phone. The breeze sounded so loud because of how close it was to the phone. “You would struggle. Alright I’m getting off here girl. I’ll hit you up.”

With our talk over for the time being I went along with my shower doing exactly what Corey said. My hair ended up coming out of that braid. I wanted to give myself some t-l-c while I have the opportunity to be alone. When Zay is with me I make everything about him and what he needs so I utilize my alone time to pamper myself. Unscrewing the cap off the lotion bottle I moisturize my entire body from neck to toe. That shower did a good job of making me feel more at ease. Now all I need to is lay eyes on my baby boy and I’ll be good as new. .

I finished up in my bathroom and walked out to the room brushing my hair up into a ponytail while it dries. My phone began going off in the bedroom as I was putting the dishes away from the dishwasher. I quickly jogged down the hall to grab my cell. Answering it quickly I put the device to my ear hearing Izaiah laugh. “You’re outside?” I said.

“Yeah we’re here..do you need more time or can we come in?” I gave Corey the okay to bring Izaiah inside ‘cause I’m excited to see my baby. The doorbell sounded off throughout the house scaring me a little at the echo it left behind. Going to let them in I stepped aside watching the boys walk in.

I shut the door and hugged myself not sure if Izaiah would even want to be near me.

“Hi mom.” He smiled coming forward and wrapping his arms around my hips. A sad and happy smile graced my face as I hugged him back.

“I missed you.” I mumbled, running my fingers through his hair. Kissing the top of his head I scaled back and cupped his little face in my hands. “How was your day? Are you alright?” Searching his exterior I was relieved not to see any bruises, cuts or anything like that.

“School was boring but yeah I’m ok. Can Corey stay a while? He promised to play one game with me. Please mom, please!” Zay begged unrelenting while squeezing his arms around me.

Looking up I met Corey’s awaiting eyes and felt my shoulders relax. “If he wants to. It’s up to him.” I said looking back at Izaiah.

He turned around in my grasp to face Corey himself. “Will you stay please? Just one game?” he asked kindly.

“I always keep my promises.” Corey sighed shoving his hands in the pocket of his sweats.

“Go to your room baby ’ll be back there in a minute.” With a little push from me Izaiah reluctantly walked to his room and disappeared from our view slowly. The elephant in the room caused a shift in energy.

“So..how was your day? We haven’t really talked much today.” he sat down on the couch turning to the side so he could see me. “Come here..sit down, relax. Stop looking scared to be near me.”

I shuffled over toward the couch and sat down with my hands in my lap. “Work was ok. Kind of hectic but I can’t complain. How was yours?” I rebutted.

“It was good. I have a shoot coming up in Miami in two weeks. XXL called me today and offered me the job so you know I jumped on that shit before they could change their mind.” Corey expressed, sounding so happy.

“That's great, I’m happy for you. Can you give me like fifteen minutes, I’m gonna help him get ready for bed and then he’s all yours.” I left Corey in the living room so I could get Zay bathed and dressed for bed. Once Corey leaves, all I have to do is get Zay into bed, maybe read to him and my night will be over.

Izaiah and I talked about me leaving him at Corey’s and moved past it. I apologized for making him feel unwanted or forgotten because I never want my child to feel that way. He said he understands that I get tired and doesn’t want me to feel bad about me leaving him with Corey. Can you believe it? My six year old told me not to feel bad for forgetting about his location. That made my stomach turn.

I sat nearby while Zay and Corey went back and forth talking smack to one another over this game. I have to admit seeing them bond as much they have since we’ve been back has really helped to ease my concern. Back in Chino as I was preparing for the big move I kept wondering how Izaiah would take it. He made a lot of friends and I had and I felt torn between staying for him or leaving for us both. Now that he’s in school I’m just praying that his peers like him for what he is. Corey being around to be part of my sons life is beyond what I’ve prayed for. I hope that someday Zay will be able to confide in Corey when he can’t come to me. I hope that my best friend and my son can build a wonderful, close relationship that will last for the rest of their lives and mine. My other unanswered prayer is to have Julian and Zay bond as well.

After an hour and a half of trash talking Izaiah admitted that he was tired. He fell right to sleep once I laid him down. With a kiss to head I quietly left his room and closed his door silently.

Going down the hall I found Corey stretched out on the couch with his face in a photo album. “He’s knocked out. What did you guys do?” I asked going to sit next to him.

“Nothing much I just kept him entertained the whole time to take his mind off everything.” Corey shrugged flipping to another page.

As he was in fully invested in looking at the pictures I studied him. My mind went to another place during this quiet time.

“Can I ask you something?” I spoke up shyly.

“Anything.” He answered, sitting up and turning to face me. He closed the book, setting it between us as he gave me his undivided attention.

“Do you think there’s something wrong with me? Like, is there anything about me that would make you second guess what type of person I am?” Julian’s text is still in the back of my mind from earlier today. I have yet to reply and obviously I’m not going to see him. The content of his message threw me all off hints why I’m questioning my own character.

“Where is this coming from?” Corey cleared his throat pushing back on the sofa. “Why are you asking me that?”

“I really don’t know. I um..” I zoned out as I reflected on Julian’s message and our last meet up. What changed from then and today that caused him to tell me that he misses me? I’m so confused. Between these two guys I can definitely say I have man problems. “Julian told me something earlier that’s making me think a lot. But I don’t want to. I’m not on the same page that he is. That chapter was closed a long time ago and although he’s ready to give it another try, I’m not. I’ve had this talk with him way too many times over the years. And I do not want to repeat myself for the millionth time.” Exhaling sharply I curled my legs up to my chest.

“What you mean? He wants you back doesn’t he?” Corey didn’t have to sound so displeased. That’s what I’m trying to say but in less words.

Throwing my head back I turned my head back to stare at the ceiling. “Yes. He asked to see me tonight but I never responded to the message. I didn’t want to see him. And I know what he would’ve been expecting if I agreed to go out with him.” With extreme slowness I turned to my left to see Corey already giving off a look of anger and disgust. I know he can’t stand J. He gave off the vibe when they first met each other. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Because you already know what I’m about to say.” I detected a lot of attitude and anger in his voice but this time is nothing like when I was dating Ace. Nothing!

“Corey this is not a repeat of history. Julian is not crazy, he has never hit me and he never forced me to sleep with him.” I feel like I need to defend Julian at this point only so Corey doesn’t think I started something with another psycho.

Corey nodded as if he understood and looked around the room. He stopped at the entertainment center and studied whatever has his attention very closely. The faint, airy laugh that he did rose my suspicion by a few levels.

“I remember one night I was with this girl right and she said some slick shit that you probably would say and I looked at her sideways. To this day I have never figured out why I got mad at her. To keep it a hundred I stopped fucking with her after that night. Something inside me just didn’t like how much she reminded me of you. There was something about her that always bothered me but that sarcastic humor she tried to get away with stuck with me.” Corey opened up little by little.

I’m all the way in tune to his moment of confessions. And since this talk is about his love life I’m all the more intrigued.

“And then there was this chick in London that I really liked. She reminded me of you but in the compassionate, kind hearted way. Everything else was all her. We fucked around for maybe a year but I broke it off a week before I moved back here. That was the longest relationship I’ve ever had and Brian still makes jokes about it.” Corey ran his hand over top of his head and down the side of face. He turned to face me and threw an arm over the back of he couch.

I want to ask why is he telling me this but I don’t want to seem rude. Corey had a bad habit in the past of not finishing his statements if you asked him why he was sharing his thoughts. Or if you even so much as looked at him in a confused way he would shut down. As his friend I’ve learned to respect whatever he has to say no matter how personal it may be to him.

“Basically what I’m saying is, you’re part of the reason I can’t stick with one girl. I don’t know why but that seems to be the only explanation as to why I have issues with every chick I get with. As far as your Julian troubles go, if you don’t want to be with that nigga then you need to tell him. Men these days are crazy as fuck Lori and I really don’t want to catch a case for killing no nigga that hurt you. I don’t care that he’s Izaiah’s father, if you don’t want any romantic ties to that dude then make that clear. It’s not cool to lead people on or left to wonder where you stand. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing but I’m telling you anyway.”

I nodded in solidarity to his speech and started thinking over a response to that unanswered message. I think talking to Julian in person will be more beneficial than a conversation over the phone.

“When you told me that Ace tricked and forced you to have sex with him I wanted to kill him. I almost did I just never told you. Please tell me Julian didn’t do the same thing..” Corey touched my hand in a supportive and demanding way for me to confess.

Shaking my head I felt like I was under a spell because I can’t seem to look anywhere else. “No. I just didn’t like the fact that he expected sex and so much more from me after I told him what it was. He knew from the beginning that I didn’t want to take it that far. And now, ever since I told him that I want him in Zay’s life it’s like he’s back to the same way of thinking. I don’t und-“

“Corey?” Both of us turned towards the direction of the hallway seeing Izaiah hiding halfway around the wall.

“Why are you up baby? What’s wrong?” I questioned feeling concerned.

“I wanna talk to you..” he muttered pointing to Corey. He instantly stood up off the couch and walked over to where Zay was standing. The boys disappeared down the hall leaving me to wallow in my thoughts. I know Corey has a point in telling me that I need to upfront with Julian. Even though I have repeated myself a thousand times about what I want I’ve got to say it a thousand and one times if I want him to understand.

#the march blessing #short story

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nothingman · 6 years ago

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(Tomdispatch.com) – It’s easy — and not wrong — to think that truth is in dire danger in the era of Donald Trump.

His own record of issuing breathtaking falsehoods from the exalted platform of the White House is unprecedented in American history. So is his consistent refusal to back down when a statement is proven false. In Trump’s world, those who expose his lies are the liars and facts that show he was wrong are “fake news.”

In this war on truth, Trump has several important allies. One is the shameful silence of Republican politicians who don’t challenge his misstatements for fear of giving offense to his true-believing base. Another is a media environment far more cluttered and chaotic than in past decades, making it easier for people to find stories that fit their preconceived ideas and screen out those they prefer not to believe.

These trends come in the context of a more general loosening of the informal rules that once put some limits on the tone and content of political speech. American politicians have always done plenty of exaggerating, lying by omission, selecting misleading facts, and using slanted language. Typically, though,if not always, they tried to avoid outright, provable lies, which it was commonly assumed would be politically damaging if exposed.

Nowadays, the cost of being caught lying seems less obvious. Somepoliticians show no apparent embarrassment about lying. Take, for instance, Corey Stewart, the Republican candidate trying to unseat Virginia’s Democratic senator, Tim Kaine. Stewart unapologetically told the Washington Post about a doctored photograph his campaign distributed, “Of course it was Photoshopped.”

In the altered photo, an image of a much younger Kaine is spliced in to make it appear that he is sitting with a group of armed Central American guerrillas. The caption under the picture says, “Tim Kaine worked in Honduras to promote his radical socialist ideology,” suggesting the photo proves that he consorted with violent leftist revolutionaries while working at a Jesuit mission in Honduras at the start of the 1980s.

In reality, the guerrillas in the original photograph (which dates from well after Kaine’s time in Central America) were not leftists and not in Honduras, but right-wing Contra insurgents in Nicaragua. So the visual was a double fake, putting Kaine in a scene he wasn’t in and then falsely describing the scene. When I read the story, I wondered whether Stewart would think it legitimate if an opponent Photoshopped him into a picture of American Nazis brandishing swastika flags. (If anyone asked him that question, I have not found a record of it.)

It may still be uncommon for a politician to acknowledge a deception as forthrightly as Stewart did, but it does seem that politicians today feel — and probably are — freer to lie than they used to be.

So, yes, truth is facing a serious crisis in the present moment. But two things are worth remembering. First, that crisis did not begin with Donald Trump. It has a long history. Second, and possibly more sobering, truth may be more fragile and lies more powerful than most of us, journalists included, would like to believe. That means the wounds Trump and his allies have inflicted — on top of earlier ones — may prove harder to heal than we think.

An Early Lesson

I began learning about the fragility of truth many years ago.

George Wallace, the segregationist governor of Alabama, taught me an early lesson. In the spring of 1964, less than a year after his notorious “stand in the schoolhouse door” attempt to block two black students from enrolling at the University of Alabama, he came to Maryland as a candidate in the Democratic presidential primary (not to be confused with his more widely remembered presidential runs in 1968 and 1972).

His real target wasn’t the presidential nomination but the 1964 Civil Rights Act, then being filibustered in the Senate. There were plenty of segregationist Democrats in Maryland then and Wallace calculated that scoring a significant vote there (as well as in a couple of other states) would send a message to Senate Democrats that supporting civil rights was politically perilous.

I was 23 that spring, barely halfway through my second year as a reporter, when I was assigned as the (very) junior half of the Baltimore Sun‘s two-man team covering the primary campaign. I was under the direction of the Sun‘s chief political reporter, an old-timer named Charlie Whiteford. But Charlie didn’t hog all the big stories, as would have happened on most newspapers. In an effort to show balanced and even-handed reporting — an appearance the Sun in those days went to extreme lengths to maintain — he switched off with me, so that his byline and mine would appear alternately over stories about each candidate. As a result, young and green as I was, I got to cover Wallace’s rallies on a roughly equal basis with my senior colleague.

From the start, I heard the governor saying things about the civil rights bill that weren’t just misleading or slanted in ways I was already accustomed to hearing, even that early in my reporting life, but unequivocally false. After the first rally I attended, I got a copy of the bill from the Sun‘s library and carried it with me for the rest of the campaign, so I could accurately cite Wallace’s misstatements as I was typing my stories.

The first time I nailed his lies in print, I was smug. Maybe he can get away with this stuff in Alabama, I remember thinking, but the Baltimore Sun will keep him straight in Maryland. Very soon, though, I found out that I couldn’t have been more wrong. The people Wallace was speaking to believed him, not the Sun, and Wallace knew that. He didn’t care in the least what I wrote about him and kept right on offering his untruths about the civil rights bill.

More than a half century has passed since I learned that lesson, and it’s still sobering: when people like a politician’s lies better than they like the truth, it’s tough to change their minds, and even after lies are proven false, they can remain a powerful force in public life.

Learning Another Lesson, Far from Home

Thirteen years later, in a factory on the other side of the Earth, I had anothermoment of truth that taught what might be an even more chilling lesson: lies can still have power even when we know they’re lies.

That moment came during my first trip to China in May 1977, eight months after the death of that country’s leader, Mao Zedong. As the Sun‘s correspondent in Hong Kong, still under British rule at the time, I had been writing about Chinese affairs for nearly four years. But that visit, seven days in and around the city of Guangzhou (then commonly called Canton), was the first time I was able to look with my own eyes at a country still largely closed to the outside world.

On one of those days, my minders took me to the Guangzhou Heavy Machinery Plant, which manufactured equipment for oil refineries, chemical and metallurgical factories, and other industrial facilities. Its walls were plastered with posters showing standard images of Chairman Mao and of soldiers, workers, and peasants heroically struggling to realize his socialist ideals. The scene I saw from a catwalk over the factory floor, however, looked nothing like those melodramatic images. A few workers were tending machines or trundling wheelbarrows across the floor, but most were standing around idly, sipping tea, chatting in small groups, or reading newspapers.

I was startled by that very unheroic scene and even more startled when it dawned on me why I was so surprised. It wasn’t discovering that those propaganda images were false. I knew that already. Instead, I realized that even knowing that, I had still unconsciously expected to see workers looking like the men and women shown on those posters, faces glowing with devotion while giving their all to carry out “Chairman Mao’s revolutionary line.”

Until that moment I would have said with absolute certainty that I was immune to such Chinese propaganda. I had seen too many of its crude falsifications, such as the doctored photographs of Mao’s funeral that had run only months earlier in the same publications that regularly showed those heroic workers. Mao’s widow, Jiang Qing, and her three principal associates had been in the front row of mourners when the photos were taken. Only a couple of weeks later, they were arrested and denounced as counter-revolutionary criminals. The Chinese media kept on publishing those funeral photos, but with Jiang and her allies — now labeled the Gang of Four — airbrushed out. Blurred smudges or blank spots appeared where they had been shown in the originals, while vertical rows of x’s blotted out their names in the captions. (Had anyone asked about the retouching, it’s a safe bet that Chinese authorities would have answered with the 1976 equivalent of “Of course they were Photoshopped.”)

Having seen those and so many other transparently false words and images, I could not believe I would ever confuse any official Chinese lies with reality. Still, there I was on that factory catwalk, stunned to realize that those propaganda images had shaped what I expected to see, even though I knew perfectly well that they were unreal.

That moment, too, taught me a lasting lesson: that truth could be a fragile thing not just in the outside world but inside my own mind and memory.

An Immunodeficiency Disease?

By these recollections from four or five decades ago, I don’t mean to suggest that there’s nothing new about the immediate crisis. Quite the opposite. President Trump’s outlandish untruthfulness, an increasingly chaotic media landscape, and the decline of traditional habits of political speech unquestionably represent a new and deeply alarming threat to public discourse and the foundations of democratic government.

One element of that crisis might be considered analogous to what doctors call an immunodeficiency illness — a disease that destroys or weakens the body’s ability to cure or control its symptoms. The immunodeficiency disease in today’s political and cultural wars is the campaign to undermine public trust in journalists and other watchdogs, the very people who are supposed to counter fake facts with real ones.

That campaign isn’t new. Attacks on news organizations (most prominently from the right but also from the left) go back at least to the 1960s. Under Trump, however, that assault has become uglier, more intense — and more dangerous.

Calling journalists “enemies of the American people,” for example, doesn’t just raise echoes of past totalitarian regimes. It gives aid and comfort to present-day officials and lawmakers who want to avoid being held publicly accountable for their acts.That applies not just in the United States but internationally. Trump’s anti-media rhetoric abets repressive rulers across the world who suppress independent, critical reporting in their countries.

A recent column by the Washington Post‘s Jackson Diehl documented the worldwide impact of Trump’s anti-media assault. He reported that his search for examples “turned up 28 countries where the terms ‘fake news’ or ‘false news’ have been used to attack legitimate journalists and truthful reporting” during Trump’s time in office. Around the world, Diehl found, authoritarian leaders like Rodrigo Duterte of the Philippines, Cambodia’s Hun Sen, and Turkey’s Recep Tayyip Erdogan have explicitly endorsed the American president’s attacks or echoed his exact words while cracking down on press freedom in their own countries.

Journalists have responded to Trump with an outpouring of indignant commentary — an understandable reaction, though it’s far from clear whether it helps or hurts their cause. A gesture like the Boston Globe‘s initiative last month that led more than 300 newspapers across the country to publish editorials on the same day calling for freedom of the press and attacking Trump’s stance on the media raised valid challenges to the president’s charges, but also may have cemented in place a kind of equivalency in the public mind: Trump is against journalists, journalists are against Trump.

Beyond reasonable doubt, that equivalency reinforces Trump’s side more than it defends good reporting or strengthens public knowledge. For his supporters, it validates his posturing as a president besieged by a hostile media — and his repeated insistence that stories he doesn’t like are “fake facts.” Pious editorials declaring journalists’ devotion to truth and fervently exalting the First Amendment may be justified, but as a practical matter, eloquent self-righteousness seems unlikely to be an effective weapon in the war against the war on truth.

It would be nice to think that tougher, more factual reporting would be more helpful, but as I learned covering the Wallace campaign all those years ago, that has its limits, too.

How to Be Right (Always)

I couldn’t read George Wallace’s mind in 1964 and can’t read Donald Trump’s 54 years later. So what follows is speculation, not verifiable fact. With that qualifier, my impression is that Trump’s falsehoods come from a different place and have a different character than Wallace’s. If there’s a Wallace reincarnation on the landscape today, it would be someone more like Corey Stewart. Wallace might not have said it to a reporter — though I did sometimes sense an unseen wink in our direction when he delivered some outrageous statement — but I strongly suspect that “of course it was Photoshopped,” adjusted for the different technology of that era, exactly reflected his attitude.

President Trump looks like a quite different case. He clearly lies consciously at times, but generally the style and content of his falsehoods give the impression that he has engaged in a kind of internal mental Photoshopping, reshaping facts inside his mind until they conform to something he wants to say at a given moment.

A recent report in the Daily Beast described an episode that fits remarkably well with that theory.

As told by the Daily Beast’s Asawin Suebsaeng, at a March 2017 White House meeting between the president and representatives of leading veterans organizations, Rick Weidman of Vietnam Veterans of America brought up the subject of Agent Orange, the widely used U.S. defoliant that has had long-term health effects on American soldiers and Vietnamese villagers.

As Suebsaeng reconstructed the discussion, Trump responded by asking if Agent Orange was “that stuff from that movie” — a reference evidently to the 1979 film Apocalypse Now. Several veterans in the room tried to explain to the president that the scene he remembered involved napalm, an incendiary agent, not Agent Orange. But Trump wouldn’t back down, Suebsaeng recounted, “and proceeded to say things like, ‘no, I think it’s that stuff from that movie.'” His comment directly to Weidman was, “Well, I think you just didn’t like the movie.”

What makes the Daily Beast report particularly revealing is not just that Trump was ignorant of the facts and would not listen to people who clearly knew better. That behavior is all too familiar to anyone even casually aware of Trump’s record. The argument with the veterans was different because his misstatement did not arise from any of the usual reasons. He was not answering a critic or tearing down someone who frustrated him or making an argument for a policy opinion or defending some past statement.

Sticking to his version of Agent Orange was purely a reflection of his personality. On a subject one can safely assume he had not thought about until that moment, he seized on a fragmentary memory of something he’d seen on a screen years earlier, jumped to a wrong conclusion, and was then immediately convinced that he was correct solely because he had heard himself saying it — not only certain that he was right, but oblivious to the fact that everyone he was talking to knew more about the subject than he did.

In effect, this story strongly suggests, Trump’s thought process (if you can call it that) boils down to: I am right because I am always right.

Lots of people absorb facts selectively and adapt them to fit opinions they already hold. That’s human nature. But the president’s ability to twist the truth, consciously or not, is extreme. So is his apparently unshakable conviction that no matter what the subject is, no one knows more than he does, which means he has no need to listen to anyone who tries to correct his misstatements. In a person with his power and responsibilities, those qualities are truly frightening.

As alarming as his record is, though, it would be a serious mistake to think of Trump as the only or even the principal enemy of truth and truth-tellers. There is a large army out there churning out false information, using technology that lets them spread their messages to a mass audience with minimal effort and expense. But the largest threat to truth, I fear, is not from the liars and truth twisters, but from deep in our collective and individual human nature. It’s the same threat I glimpsed all those years ago at George Wallace’s rallies in Maryland and on that factory floor in China: the tendency to believe comfortable lies instead of uncomfortable truths and to trust our own assumptions instead of looking at the evidence.

That widespread and deep-rooted failure of critical thinking in American society today has helped make Trump and his enablers, like other liars before them, successful in the war against truth. In the words of the mid-twentieth-century cartoonist Walt Kelly’s comic-strip character, Pogo the Possum, “We have met the enemy and it is us.” That’s a powerful enemy. Whether there’s an effective way for the forces of truth to oppose it is far from clear.

Arnold R. Isaacs, a journalist and writer based in Maryland, spent 18 years as a reporter, national and foreign correspondent, and editor for the Baltimore Sun. He is the author of From Troubled Lands: Listening to Pakistani and Afghan Americans in Post-9/11 America and two books related to the Vietnam War. He is a TomDispatch regular. His website is www.arnoldisaacs.net.

Follow TomDispatch on Twitter and join us on Facebook. Check out the newest Dispatch Books, Beverly Gologorsky’s novel Every Body Has a Story and Tom Engelhardt’s A Nation Unmade by War, as well as Alfred McCoy’s In the Shadows of the American Century: The Rise and Decline of U.S. Global Power, John Dower’s The Violent American Century: War and Terror Since World War II, and John Feffer’s dystopian novel Splinterlands.

Via Tomdispatch.com

via Informed Comment

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bkfitmama · 7 years ago

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Outside of Salivar’s on the Harbor

Pool time! That shark hat though!

Delicious cocktail from @Fletcher’s

Roasting marshmallows @HavenMontauk

Thanks for the board @CoreysWave

@MontaukBrewingCo

Our perfect little beach babe!

What was meant to be a quick 2 day getaway, turned into a glorious 5 day family vacation. Never having been to Montauk, I didn’t realize that 2 days there wouldn’t possibly be enough. The weather was perfect, the vibe was incredible, and all 3 members of my little family was has having a great time. I’m now a big believer in all things Montauk and hope to make it an annual, summer tradition. I feel like when you go somewhere for the first time, everything is a bit of trial and error. You ace some of the activities, and others you wish you would have known just wouldn’t be that great. Our trip was pretty impromptu, so we didn’t really do any planning or research when it came to…well, anything. In this post I’m going to include a few great things we did and a few things we weren’t so crazy about. The first two nights we stayed at a little motel in Montauk Harbor called the Sun N Sound. It was a no frills place with a pool and a kitchenette for added convenience (though it’s not like I actually turned on the stove at any point). The best part was having the ocean right outside your back patio. It was beautiful looking out into the ocean and waking up hearing the waves right from our room. Once we decided to stay another two nights, we moved to the hotel literally across the street called The Haven. We had met a couple of families on the beach highly recommending the accommodations there. Boy were they right! We loved this place! We were actually lucky to even get in there and at such a reasonable rate. The rooms actually reminded me of the beach hotels in Greece. They were very white, bright, and crisp. The pool was almost that of a resort’s. It had nice beds to relax on (def. couldn’t do too much of that with a 3 year old running around), a bunch of floats for the kids, and was just all around really nice. The hotel also had a huge outside space with tables, bbqs, and a big fire pit in the middle. It was awesome for the kids staying there to run around and play with each other after the sun went down. We even roasted our own marshmallows the last evening there, which Grace absolutely loved (turns out she’s a pyro at heart). Both of the places we stayed were about a 5 minute walk to a tiny, basically private beach. It was right on the Long Island Sound so the water was calm enough for the kids to play right on the shore without scaring the parents half to death. After dinner, we would head back down to catch the absolutely breath taking Montauk sunset. We were very happy with both accommodations and their locations, but will likely be booking The Haven for future family adventures. As far as dining, we had both hit and misses. Our first night we went to Salivar’s. Grace had a very healthy meal consisting of edamame, french fries, pasta, and ice cream! LOL Sean and I shared a bunch of really delicious appetizers. This place had a huge menu, but we stuck to the sushi portion knowing you couldn’t get it any fresher. We enjoyed this place for sure. For our first breakfast we were just looking for a simple diner in town. If that’s what you’re looking for, you basically only have 2 options: Anthony’s Pancake House or John’s Pancake House. We ended up trying out Anthony’s. Wow were we stressed in that place. It’s not that it was even crazy busy, it was just SO disorganized. Maybe New York has worn down our patience. Also, the fact that Sean and I were in the industry for so long, we notice everything. It took forever to get sat, not because there weren’t tables, but because the man doing the seating was soooo slow. We had to beg for water and coffee several times and the food was super subpar-even for a diner. The next few days we opted for a place called Bliss. This place was simple, easy, and good. We got giant coffees and just had bagels and breakfast sandwiches, which we ordered from the counter. For us, simplicity is key. They had a nice back garden with chalk to decorate the patio with. That kept Grace contained for a bit while we enjoyed our breakfast. For lunch, we brought sandwich stuff with us so we basically just stuck to that. Grace pretty much just had an array of Goldfish, Popcorn, and Pretzels most lunches (You can send me my mother of the year award anytime THANKS). Our second dinner was at a place, also on the harbor, called Fletchers. The food and cocktails here were tasty. The scallops were probably the freshest I’ve ever had. Once again, Grace had pasta. If your kiddos are picky eaters, a lot of the menus at these seafood restaurants become pretty limited. I was happy with this place, but it’s not somewhere I would go again with a child. It’s more for a nice date night. The next evening we kept it easy and just picked up a pizza from Primavera Pizza. We set it up in the hotel’s garden and enjoyed a nice, chill dinner. The pizza here was really good. Again with the easy. Our final night we had dinner at Gosman’s Restaurant. This was the biggest MISS of our vacation. The food was absolutely disgusting. I’m not one to bash a place, but this place is worthy of it. Sean got the 2 lb. lobster. His excitement over it diminished as soon as he tasted how old it was. I ordered the fish and chips. Both the fish and the chips were frozen. Like why? You’re right there on the water…why in the world would you sell frozen fish at your restaurant? The madness of it all was how busy it was. It did have a gorgeous view of the harbor and the staff was nice enough, but it was an obvious tourist trap. I’d rather have edible food than a nice view. But hey, to each their own. Our biggest lesson learned was to bring our own food next trip. With a huge grill at the hotel and even the mini kitchen, it would be so much better to grab our own fresh fish or even some burgers and cook ourselves. When it comes to grilling, it’s really too delicious and easy not to do it, at least a few times on the trip. Spending a fortune on vacation just seems to come with the territory, but I really feel like we were kinda suckers when it came to the food. We just didn’t know any better. Anyway, ya live and ya learn! On our third day, we drove out to the Montauk Point State Park. It had a cute playground where Grace could run around for a while. We walked down to the lighthouse, which was a sight to see for sure. We didn’t pay to go in. It’s something to do when Grace is a bit older. I had a feeling we would get in and she would be bored to tears. Instead, we walked down the path to the beach and skipped rocks for a while. Before leaving, we sat in the swings up top the overlook and stared into the never ending ocean. It was very peaceful. After, we ventured back into town, where we decided to stop by the Montauk Brewery. I would definitely recommend hitting this place up. You wouldn’t believe how cool it is. It’s literally run out of what looks like a barn house. They have a bar in front, with some tables and stuff outside. It’s very charming and the people working there do such a great job. The Watermelon Session Ale blew our mind. I never thought I would be into a beer with the word watermelon in it, but this one proved me wrong. Apparently, it is brewed as an IPA first, so as not too focus on the fruity side of it. This place had a really good ambiance about it. Was a favorite of the trip. We peeked in a few of the stores in town to grab hats, t-shirts, koozies, and some beach toys. In fact, Grace ended up being a walking, talking billboard for the town of Montauk. We got a few basics at Plaza Surf and Sports. It’s a massive beach store with literally everything from clothes to surf board rentals. The best piece of clothing we go was from Montauk Clothing Company. Grace got this adorable shark hat there (posted in photo). We have a tough time getting her to wear hats in the sun and this was one she loved wearing. She wore it everywhere! And everywhere she wore it, she got loads of compliments. My favorite thing we bought in Montauk, was selfishly, a stand up paddle board rental. I had never done stand up paddle boarding before until our second day at the beach. I borrowed one from a fellow beach goer after asking how tough it really was to do it. I immediately fell in love! I had a tough time finding a place in the harbor that would rent paddle boards. I wanted to find somewhere close where I could just carry it to the beach so we didn’t have to face the hassle of tying it to the car. Our last day at the beach, I found Corey’s Wave. What an awesome business. They provide surfing lessons and rentals. They actually delivered the board to the beach we were at and picked it up when I called them to let them know I was finished. The board was nice, the couple that dropped and picked up really friendly, and the convenience of it all was incredible! With all of that, I couldn’t believe how reasonable the price was. I had such an amazing day on that board. Being able to paddle out in the ocean and just take it all on was completely exhilarating. I will definitely use Corey’s services for years to come. Overall, this trip was one of the best we have had. Even with a couple of bad restaurant experiences, you lose all of that being at the beach. I guess that’s the whole point of going out there-letting go. Letting go of the city, letting go of the every day nonsense, letting go of all negativity… Being in a place like Montauk reminds you of the simple beauty in things and I cannot wait to get back.

Doing Montauk: Family Style! What was meant to be a quick 2 day getaway, turned into a glorious 5 day family vacation.

#Montauk MontaukBrewCo Coreyswave Summer2017 MontaukClothingCo Havenmontauk Beachlife Familyvacations Whattodoinmontauk LIBeachesNY

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silveliningsamongpandemoniu-blog · 8 years ago

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Friends & Their Beguilement

Life is a funny thing, when we were younger, we were eager to grow up. But now that we’re grown we’re eager to go back to the times when the world could go no wrong. Life is an idea that all strive to fulfill without knowing how. Life can sometimes be crappy. And it can sometimes be great. In this world, it is easy to lose yourself while on this journey to find yourself. The spontaneity of youth drives us to live how we see fit, regardless of the consequences. Every bad experience I got through temporarily leave me weak but forever makes me stronger. I’ve experienced loss when it comes to love, friends, family, and even myself. But through all the pain I’ve experienced, I haven’t forgotten how to love the life and the individuals I encounter in my life. At the end of the day, I know pain has a silver lining, whether that thing is a lesson or something that will make dealing with life easier. I know it’s all for a reason and that the silver lining in every bad situation will be light in my future and present happiness.

Blessings in Disguise

“Sometimes God teaches allows us to experiences disappointment only to teach us lessons that we could not learn other way, The way which we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meaning that is underlying them.” (Anonymous)

…

“You know Tosha is crying, right? Tati asked. It was a Monday, and I had just got to school. I was just talked to her on Saturday so I was really curious as to what could have her so upset.

“No. I wonder why?” I replied.

“You think she knows about that thing?”

“I mean…I doubt it but…” I began to truly wonder if she had known.

The school counselor, Ms. Martha, Tosha, and I sat in this room It was small, stuffy, and drab. Beyond all the messy papers, a desk that was too small for the both of us, the stinge of protocol drenched the air. Frankly, the thought that a school counselor has to be called to resolve this situation really irked me, and I felt it was unnecessary.

“Do you know why you’re here?” Marth inquired. Tosha glared at me with swollen eyes and a look that could kill. Oh shit…

“No.”

“Tosha.” She began, regarding her with pity filled eyes, “Would you like you to tell her?” She replied with a violent shake of the head.

“Well,” Martha paused to gather her words, “I called you in here today because Tosha was informed of a certain situation. Are you aware of this?”

That’s the day my life began to fall apart.

It was 2010 and it was my first day beginning my freshmen year of high school. I was excited to be placed in Mrs. Cameron’s advisory because I was already familiar with her, and she had really cute boys in her advisory. There was this locker in the back in the back of the classroom that I had wanted but because of senior priority, this boy named Leory had got it. I ended up getting the floor cabinet adjacent to it and was disappointed about it. During advisory, I got real familiar with Isaac Clay and Leroy Bean. Also, Chislon Palmer, but he wasn’t actually in our advisory; he just always hung around. The one that I paid most attention to was Leroy though. There was something about his 5’11 stature, dark skin, and personality that kept my eye. Soon after that, Leroy and I exchanged numbers and our relationship began. Our relationship flourished off the that we were both emotional through poems, writing, and songs.

Into our relationship, he shared with me that he had a first loves and that her name was Mercedez. He said he never loved anyone as much as he loved her and that he dealt with her mood swings because that’s what love as. At fifteen, I believed that was love because I trusted that he would tell me something that we he believed and would live by. Through hearing about his relationship with Mercedez and how reliant he was with her, I began to contemplate how it would be to be with him. Afterall, I met him at a time when my first love had left me unexpectedly and maybe I was looking for someone to fill that gap unconsciously.

By the summer of my freshmen year, Leroy and I had become extremely close and he started to come over about every weekend to spend time with me. During the time he would come over, we talk to each other, we would go to the park, and we would just chill. It was almost like we were in a relationship without titles. He was by my side at all times. At fifteen, I began to wonder if this was what adults called loved. Consequently, we became one, and I didn’t regret it.

It was a dreadful day…My eyes were swollen and I was shaking all out of fear. I slowly types the text:

To Leroy: Still no.

I waited…

From Leroy:…

To Leroy:What do you mean

I waited…10 minutes…15 minutes…then I got scared. Would I be in this alone?

To Leroy:Leroy?

From Leoy: Ill call you later

Seconds felt like hours and hours felt like days but he did manage to call me later that night. I had managed to avoid my mother all day. Had she saw me, I probably would have broken down and thrown away the little sanity I had left.

“Hello?” I answered raspily.

“Hey,: He replied softly.

“So,”I took a big breath to calm down. “It’s been a couple of days.”

“Member the first time?”

“Yes but then it came.”

“Yea”

“I don’t think it is this time…”

“Why?”

“It’s later than last time.”

“Don’t stress.”

“Ok.”

And with that, I resolved my stress only slightly to please him Around the sixth day the missing punctuation mark, I invited him over after telling him the news.

“I can’t cry anymore,” I said.

Silence. I snuggled myself on the couch and hugged myself. He rose from the floor and hugged me, then felt my stomach, and pulled his hand back, I guess alarmed at how hard my stomach actually was.

“I’m sorry,”I whispered.

“I’m sorry,” He replied, voice breaking slightly. I descended to his level and sat on his lap facing him as if he was cradling me. His eye was red and he sniffled. I pretended not to notice. It was funny that this was happening around the time it was. His birthday was coming up shortly and it would be one of a birthday present it say, “Congratulations, you’re a father!”

I imagined Leroy and I would begin to like that one rap song by J. Cole:

He said: “A nigga barely over 20, where the hell we gonna live?...

I refuse to bring my baby boy or girl in this world

When I aint got shit to give em…

And girl I know it hurts, but

If this world was perfect, we can it work but I doubt it…”

Then I’d say: “Trying to take away a life, is you God muthafucka?

I don’t think so, this new life here up in my stomach

Regardless if I’m your wife, this new life here

Imma love it, I aint budging”

We “Lost One” by divine intervention but Leroy wanted that anyways This, at the time, was the most traumatic thing I had ever went through, and it had emotionally left me weak. That instantaneous maternal love that mysteriously grows within a woman is a real thing and that love grows out of when that woman is young and misguided. My love for Leroy had grown to a certain level before that as well seeing as I had tried to make that lifestyle work. After we got over our lost one. He turned around and left me for my best friend and someone I considered a sister, Tosha. By doing that, I began to feel as though I wasn’t good enough to keep him around or even be labeled as his girlfriend. I did not begin to acknowledge my feelings of inferiority at this either. It was not until recently that I began to dissect where all this built-up resentment came from.

This was only the first traumatic thing that held Leroy and I’s relationship together. After Tosha and he began dating on September 13,2012, we vowed to be friends and nothing because couldn’t stand doing something behind Tosha’s back knowingly. When I logged on to Facebook and saw that was in a relationship, I felt my heart drop because I knew it could have only been one person. What made it worse, was I had just asked Leroy out a couple days before and he decline with a subtle, “My relationship life is hectic right now.” BULLSHIT. I literally couldn’t breathe when she told me that she was in a relationship with Leroy. I kept thinking, is this what heartbreak feels like?

My feelings for Leroy never disappeared though. When I asked him why he simply said, “I love her” as of his reasoning could explain why I was in so much pain. He wasn’t acknowledging the last six months of our secret relationship or maybe that’s why it was a secret? Ironically, Tosha and I began getting closer to where we began calling each other sisters. I was over her house every weekend, and she saw me as her confidant. This was hard for me while was happily in love with Leroy so was I. only one of his friends knew about us, Chislon. When Leroy and I shared lockers in advisory, it was obvious we liked each other. It made getting over him ten times harder. Every day, he messed with him, and I’d mess with him then. Then Tosha would get a pass to come mess with him. It made things very awkward. I felt as a sister, I needed to come clean about the history I had been hiding.

“Can I tell her now?” I pleaded.

“No, it’ll mess thing up between me and her,” replied Leroy.

“She deserves to know the truth…”

“Doesn’t matter. Don’t tell her.”

“She won’t. I only Chislon and you only told Ronya.”

I hesitated. I always heard that what is done in that dark always comes to light, but I reluctantly said, “Okay Bwestfrann.” I valued Leroy’s position in my life more than I did Tosha’s; therefore, I never told her, and I them live happily everafter.

Leroy and I’s friendship was deadly. In a figurative an literal sense. My mom always worked the night shift and he lived within walking distance so he would come over on the weekend with his friends. His friends were Chislon, Aaron, Donte, Francei, Corey, and Issac. Hanging out with these guys would prove to be the ultimate example of peer pressure.

These guys did not care about anything but having a good time and neither did I. Tp them, I was one them. I just happened to have a vagina. We would rife out late at night and nto get back until even later in the night. We would go somewhere to smoke, drink, or talk about the girls they treat like whores. I was considered part of the crew: the loyal female. It was Leroy who taught me how to smoke weed and roll up, therefore, I always smoked with him and the crew. The rule was what happened within the crew stayed within the crew the and we all obeyed it.

Soon, things began to become distorted. I was noticing Leroy was hinting that one of his crew membered to have relationship with me. That night, I was high and thought whatever, it’s just a little something. Hence, I took the crew member to the back room, anxious as ever. I was shaking. He noticed my hesitation. He told me to relax. I found it extremely awkward that I would something with him because although I found him very attractive, I never thought of

being in this position with him. It was the worse sexual encounter ever. We both agreed to act as it never even happened. Only the four people in house know about that one. But this started something that would soon spiral out of control.

I was dizzy, so dizzy someone assisted walking me in the house. Everyone was there besides Chisolm and Aaron. I didn’t know they had me smoking, but it was something unusual. I felt like I was completely unaware of my body movements. I begged Leroy for a hug. Two of the crew members said they have something to show me in the back room. I got real tired suddenly. I wanted lay down. I followed them to the room. They sat me in a chair and the next thing I know im giving head of them. Whatever, it’s just a little something, I thought. I thought it would be over soon, but then the second crew member stood me up, then enters me from behind. I tried screaming but those were muffled. I wiggled and moved. I’m so dizzy I thought I was going to fall over. The second crew member gets mad and leaves us. It’s pitch dark now. It was always dark now. It was always dark. The first crew member laid me down and my body felt as if it weighed a on. I couldn’t move. He entered me. I sat there and was completely silent.

I honestly didn’t register what was happening until it was already happening.

“Stop,” I said.

“I’m almost done,” He replied.

“No, stop,” I try getting up and can’t move. I try fighting and can’t fight hard enough. I laid there until it was over.

“I walk out to the couch, in a daze. They all leave first. Leroy and Francei stay behind.

“What’s wrong?” Francei asks.

“I think I was raped.” I reply.

Leroy didn’t believe what I said. Francei is shocked an hugs me. He tells me to call him later and I did. That’s when I thought about how a ‘doorknob’ could be raped? Everyone gets a turn, it was hard thinking to that I was raped because I blame myself for it. I shouldn’t have trusted a group of high, intoxicated guys in the first place, and my history with the crew probably made it seem like it was okay to take advantage of me like that. It made me wonder for a long time until none of it made sense. Soon, I repressed it to the back of my mind, and left it there hoping I’d forget about it.

I t is now November 03,2012 and I decided to spend it with the crew. I stopped talking a few of them due to prior incidents but it was Leroy, Francei, Donte, and some named Tavaughn. I found a bag of weed and had one of them sell half of which yielded me 50 dollars, and we smoked rest then brought more weed with the revenue. We were hotboxing with the Sour Diesel on the on the way to WSU, I was higher than I had ever been. I was inclined to jump out the car to get fresh air but the damage is already done. First, we’re in Francei’s dorm. I’m laying down because I am so sick from it. They’re playing a game, and I’m trying to sleep. Tavhaugn comes on the bed and starts feeling me up. I scream NO and he immediately gets up when everyone looks at him. I am no glutton for punishment…at least I thought I wasn’t at the time. Suddenly, I felt so sick and was trying to signal to someone get me a trashcan, but I was already throwing up everywhere: all on my clothing, the bed, the carpet.

Embarrassment was not even the word. I went in the shower fully dressed and washed off the vomit. Leroy paid to have my clothes washed, and I had to walk half naked, wrapped in a blanket to Leroy’s dorm. He wouldn’t let me lay down because he didn’t want me to throw up again. France was furious, and they made me clean it up with wet wipe. Later that day, drove me home and said it was all okay. He led, but the comfort was nice. I threw the extra 20 dollars at him because I felt he was mocking my embarrassment by shaming me silently. I got on Twitter to see that Donte had took a picture of me wrapped up in the blanket and posted on Twitter with the caption, “Sakena threw up every. This bitch threw,” He tagged the whole crew. Everyone responded but Leroy and Francei, but I was still angry because Leroy knew when it happened and didn’t stop it. I thought he was a friend that I could count on. That marked the decline of our friendship and the beginning of my insanity.

I told Tosha the situation, and she simply stated, “He can’t control his friends,” then I knew I was in this world alone. All the friends I thought I had, had their own agendas. I began think why I even allowed myself to go through all that pain just because of a single person. Because of him, my self-worth and value had been distorted to the point that I believed that if a boy would have sex with me, that was a beauty. He had me thinking that drugs were okay, that meaningless sex was okay. Guess I did it all to fit in, to still be call that loyal female to the crew. Maybe I did it because I did not want to lose Leroy. Maybe I did it because there was nothing else to do. These thoughts slowly manifested themselves into some else other than myself which I lived as for about a year.

After the train wreck with the crew, I feared serious relationship, but a girl had her needs. I did not want anything with a trust factor because that sets you up to be betrayed. I did not want anything with feeling that sets you up to get a broken heart and I didn’t want anything with commitment because that false notion did nothing but made it hurt more once they decided to they to leave. Sex was all I knew to ease the pain I felt – and I was feeling a long of pain I could not understand but it was real and constant.

There was this boy at my school that I kind of fancied. His name was Kassey. I called him Jiggly Puff. I did not like him but I was attracted him -- The most dangerous combo. He’s a 6”3’, caramel skinned, big lipped, and nicely dressed young man who was actually the completely opposite of what I am attracted to. He was a huge class clown which I usually hated, Our rendezvous began spontaneously. It was more of a mutualistic exchange of pleasure. At first, it was great. It eased the pain and everything. I told a few people. He began this hectic off and on a relationship with the presumed love of his life, Jai’lyn. I wouldn’t allow him to fulfill his need while that went on, but while they were broken up, we did our thang.

In spite of myself, I began to trust him. Maybe it was because he was there during the nights when the silent walls seemed to scream the loudest. He scared those walls into complete silence. We shared a few intimate conversations. Next thing I know, we’re talking at school. The whole thing was meant to be a secret. In lull moments, he’d randomly kiss me when no one else was looking. It’s leave me flustered. That’s when I began to realize I liked im, but I didn’t really know why.

When I came to this realization, it seemed he liked me too. He became more affectionate and more willing to walk that dreadful 45-minute walk to my place. He was nicer in public. He even asked me to be his girlfriend, although it was a joke. It was funny that he even contemplated it. I let my guard down it after that. I figured we had the same amount to lose at that point.

He had a friend which he regarded as a best friend. I hated that friend because he ran his ran his mouth to the world and the key to keeping our rendezvous a secret was to NOT tell him no matter what. He did not listen and told him the details of one of our encounters after some speculation was already in the air bout us. From that day, forth, my sophomore year turned into a living Hell, I knew I shouldn’t have trusted liked him. I just have left it alone. But who is really to blame?

It’s hard to lie about something you know is true. Especially, if you’re a bad liar. I decided I’ll ignore it. That didn’t work at all. I said okay, maybe owning up it will remove the fuel from it. That only made matters worse. The ridicule came from every direction and every person I ever considered as a friend it hurt. I hated going to school. I looked in the eyes of people I called brothers and sisters, people I had been friends with since 7th grade whom laughed and teased me all because I trusted a boy who exposed me.

My Twitter became a battleground for the class of 2014. I couldn’t tweet normally. I was being subtweeted about being a hoe, being trashy, being this and that when I was just minding my own business. What hurt me the most was one of the girls that attacked me was exposed the same way I was freshmen year, and I was there for her. But when the tables are turned, shit is completely different. Friends turn into foes. Some would mention me, some wouldn’t. I was damn near a trending topic. To make matters worse, he tweeted about how he exposed me and people that didn’t even attend DECA were calling me a hoe. It was free for all, and I was a target.

I played it cool on Twitter though. I acted as if none of it phased me. At first, I bickered back but then I realized it was pointless bicker with little childish females, and if they had a real issue, we could fight about it the next at day at school. I made tweets, “Y’all making me famous” & “It’s wonderful, isn’t it?” to try and deflect it. They got even madder, and I didn’t care after a while. I was being sad. I was filled with pure fury at that point. I went to school dressed to fight WHOEVER had something to say. I didn’t care. People take advantage of me because I’m too soft spoken, and I play the bigger person. Well, that shit was stopping today. Mrs.Cameron brought me to my senses.

“I’m frustrated,” I said.

“I’m sure. What happened?” She asked. The first bell had rung, and she said it’s best u talk to her before I go back to class to prevent any fights.

“He exposed me and think it’s funny. Now everyone on Twitter has something to say about it. And when I got to school, I told them I would be ready for whatever.”

“Stooping down to their level is not worth it. You can do much better than them and him especially. Why did you choose him anyways?

“I don’t know,” Then I about what she asked me. Why did I give myself to someone who made no kind of commitment to me? “….I was missing something and he filled it.”

She peered at me as if she knew instantly when my problems were. “How’s the relationship with your father?”

“Same ‘ol. Unreliable, so I don’t rely on him. It’s just mom and me.”

“You know, when I was younger, I used to smoke cigarettes?”

“No way. The health conscious, vegan, Mrs. Cameron?

“Yep. I was in college and I was going through a terrible breakup. It seems us woman need a male figure in our lives no matter how hard we act like we don’t. I was rebellious at that age and thought I could do anything I wanted. Anyways, I started smoking because I could. During the break, up, I was very frustrated and found I couldn’t believe that pent up stress. Then, I found art. I found myself no longer stressed, and I stopped smoking too. What I’m saying is, you’re trying to fill the void with sex, but it’s not going to work. Your need to find something with substance, something that truly alleviates your pain inside. But you must find that within yourself, not anyone else.”

Throughout the course of the day, I thought about this concept heavily. Is the void I’m feeling due to the that my father and I have a wrecked relationship? My mother doesn’t bring many men around so I never had a male figure around to look towards besides the boys at school. Could this be the reason why my feelings for boys stem from something as simple as reliability? It was a new perspective on life.

When that storm blew over, I found myself moving on to someone else. Its easy to find them. During this journey, I developed a lot of negative feelings towards myself. Pretty hurts when a dark skinned girl who didn’t take half naked pictures or dress provocatively. I hardly got any compliments. My light skinned friend, Ronya, got all the compliments. I hated going out with her. The only compliments I would get had a sexual connotation. My relationship with Leroy gave me confidently through sex, ironically. It was the sex that would ultimately destroy any positive image I had of myself as well as peer of me.

I hated looking, honestly. I had no kind og self-confidence to speak of at this point. I saw the ugliness of people and of myself and hated all of it. It left me lost in a world I was afraid to speak to anyone about. This is when I began eating lunch by myself and not including myself as much as I used to. I purposely isolated myself in hopes that I ever went through anything like that again, it wouldn’t hurt as much because would already be outcast I began believing I had no friends at that time. I did not know my insecurities were just particular to myself nor did I know I could become my own enemy.

Through all this pain, I learned a lot when it comes to a relationship. Most people use a relationship as a clutch to hide their own problems or use them as a vessel to express themselves. This could cause someone to become extremely reliant on someone instead of themselves. This leads to immense disappoint which would make someone disillusioned about friendships. This is what happens to me and I learned to depend on myself but it’s healthy to rely on anyone else. Believing that you can rely on yourself allows you to become invisible towards life. This is the silver lining that I learned from my friendship experiences.

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