#cordelia 035

[cagenewman]

WHO: Cage & @cordelianewman

WHERE: home in the countryside

WHEN: November 23, 2024

The plan had been steady: after the honeymoon, Cage had just wanted to come home, watch football, start decorating the house for Christmas, get back to work, love his family, and be steady, still, content. Life that year had been hectic; they had gotten married, Cordelia had started school, they had moved into the house, taken in Shawn, gotten married again... but steady wasn't ready for them yet. And he was slowly coming to accept that. But at least everyone was settled. Shawn and Cienna's aunt was taking up residence in their office until after the services, the girls were playing in the living room, cartoons on in the background, Colton and Shawn were sticking together like glue, the younger boy filling the older in on every move on the field the night before at the kitchen table, sharing chips and queso. And Cage was exhausted. His eyes felt tired, his limbs heavy, his head still swimming as he tried to adjust to everything that had happened in the last few days. He was sitting at the bottom of the main staircase, listening to the hum of the house and all of its occupants when he felt her hand on his shoulder, looked up with a small, half smile, reaching up to cover it with his own. "Hey."

[red-eft]

my brain went into the void and i don't think i sent asks back to you, but if you still want asks from that 100 questions one--have 8, 20, 21, and 35 for whichever of your folks you'd like! :D @kerra-and-company

no worries :0!! hmm.. think i'll talk about lorne tonight :]

008. What is their favorite fairy tale?

it's a fairy tale his mother told him when he was really little! she told him a story about knights, monsters, and a village.

the monsters were stealing valuables from the village at night, so the villagers requested help from knights. the knights figured out why the monsters were stealing (they wanted beautiful things but did not know how to make them). rather than killing them, the knights brokered a peace between the villagers and monsters- the monsters would protect the village as long as the villagers taught them how to make art :-)

his mother made up the story herself while trying to keep lorne calm during a really awful thunderstorm. she included the knights because she believed they were a good example of bravery (she's never met them lol).

that story is what made lorne want to become a knight. it never happened, but he still holds it close to his heart.

020. What are their hobbies?

lorne enjoys swimming, sparring, and origami. his favorite thing to fold out of paper is a little dragon. he makes the same one with the same black paper every time, always leaving it someplace for adonis to find later.

021. How do they display affection?

he likes offering small touches to his loved one- a pat on the back, a light hand squeeze, etc... for everyone else, he doesn't touch them unless they ask for it. he likes to give compliments and the occasional small gift.

as mentioned above, another way he shows affection is through his origami hobby. he's assigned animals to the people he cares about. adonis = dragons, ivy = boars, fiensal = deer, and cordelia = rabbits.

035. What is the most important rule your character lives by?

"everything in moderation." lorne used to struggle with a very unbalanced life. he nearly worked himself to death trying to become a knight, and once that failed, he started drinking a little too much. fortunately, neither habit lasted too long. he's since resolved to take better care of himself.

[sunnydaleherald]

The Sunnydale Herald Newsletter, Tuesday, August 27 - Wednesday, August 28

CORDELIA: Would you come on? ANGEL: What's the magic word? CORDELIA: Urgh! ANGEL: No, I don't think 'urgh' is the magic word, if one would *call* it a word. And even then, certainly not a magic one. CORDELIA: We don't have time for this! ANGEL: There's always time to be considerate of others, Cordelia. CORDELIA: Oh, please! ANGEL: See? That wasn't so hard now, was it?

~~Sense and Sensitivity (Season 1)~~

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[buffyboys]

Buffy Boys 035 - Secret Identity (S03E01)

It's been one bummer of a summer for Buffy - living as a runaway under an assumed name in LA while the Scoobies try to fill her punning protector pumps in Sunnydale. But what'll happen when vulnerable teens get snatched to a brutalist Hell dimension by a youth pastor with a penchant for unsubtle foreshadowing?

Abandon hope all ye Buffy Boys who enter S03E01 "Anne".

Key Buffy Bits from this episode include: 

Helping the hopeless: existential despair as a tangible threat in dispossessed youth

Xander and Cordelia's death fueled passion (Cordander? Xordy?)

Seizing the Means of Infernal Production: Marxist themes in Buffy's aesthetics and performed politics

"I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. And you are?"

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  Yours in Slaying,

The Buffy Boys

Check out this episode!

[cagenewman]

The moment that he saw her flinch, he felt his entire body soften, the anger seep out of him, because he wasn't going to do that. Not to her, not to the kids, not to his family. There had been an angry part of Cage when he had lost his father, the part that went out at night and came back stumbling over his own feet, hungover and useless in the morning when Colton crept into his room to ask him if he wanted breakfast. A stormy sky that had raged in him until he had thrown himself into work and gave himself purpose, gave himself something to focus on. But he wouldn't do it again, because he had something to focus on. Two little girls playing with dolls in the living room, a boy in his junior year that had just lost his world, his own boy growing into a young man every single day; his wife. "It's not," he said quietly, shaking his head and reaching for her hand again, taking it gently in his and bringing it up to his mouth, pressing a kiss to the back of her knuckles. "I didn't mean to snap, I'm sorry, I'm -- you're right," he murmured against her skin, "I'm upset. I'm sad and confused and I'm angry, you know? I don't want to be mad at Travis and Maddie, but I'm mad that they're not here. He was always so much smarter than me, you don't even want to know how often he gave me advice about you in high school," he let out a half laugh, squeezing her hand gently, "and then after you dumped soup on me... I remember him telling me that it wasn't a total loss, that it was a story we could tell our kids someday. I just didn't think that," he felt his eyes fill a bit, blinking away the tears and finishing his thought quietly, "we'd be telling their kids that story someday, too. And I can't call him to ask him for advice, I can't ask my mom or dad what to do, your parents aren't in our lives -- it's just us," his voice broke a little bit over the last word and he didn't bother trying to stop the tears that formed then, looking more fully at his wife as he spoke, "and I don't know what I would do without you." Yes, he'd find a way, of course, he'd do whatever it took, there was no part of him that would hesitate to move mountains to take care of their kids, Shawn, Cienna, their family, but the idea of going through this -- again -- without Cordelia there to hold his hand, he couldn't fathom it. Wouldn't. Using the back of the hand that wasn't holding Cordelia's, he swiped at a few errant tears that had slipped down his cheek, nodding when she said to go at Shawn's pace, aiming for a bit of levity as he offered her a small, lopsided smile, sniffing as he spoke, "sure, yeah, so we'll be having pizza and bread sticks and making root beer floats, if we leave it up to him." But in Cage's mind, that suddenly seemed like the world's best idea. It was what Travis and Maddie would have wanted.

"I think you'll be better at figuring out what she needs," he admitted, glancing up the stairs again. He liked the woman just fine, but she was younger, a woman, didn't seem to have a lot of overlap in interests with Cage, other than the very obvious one that they both wanted what was best for the kids, wanting to make sure that they had the best life possible. "She's welcome to stay as long as she wants," he agreed readily, knowing that they could go without their home office. Cage could do paperwork at the shop, Cordelia could study in their bedroom; he'd build her another desk if she needed, give her space. Five years might have been a bit of an exaggeration, but at the same time… he knew that they would do whatever they needed to do to be sure that she was comfortable and in a safe space. That everyone in the Austin Family was. "Absolutely," he agreed with a nod of his head, glancing into the living room where the girls were still playing, clueless, happy, knowing that the boys -- especially Shawn -- being around that would be good for them, give them both something to focus on, put their minds to. Someday, Cienna would need her big brother. She would want to talk to him about what had happened, go to him for advice, but for now, he wanted her to be a little girl, live her little life, be happy. And someday, they would be happy, too, all of them. Their family of six. Keeping his gaze on her face as she said she was fine, sat up, brushed the hair out of her face, he reached out to touch her chin, turning her face more towards him. "Cor," he said softly, thumb rubbing gently against her jaw, the callused, rough pad moving so carefully against her softer, smoother skin. "It's always about you, to me. I love you." Yes, it was about Shawn and Cienna, and it was about their aunt. It was about helping Colton and Rosalyn adjust, and it was about legal documents and finances and living arrangements, but it was also about them. As husband and wife, as mom and dad, as caregivers. And Cordelia was right; they had to mourn, too, and feel grief and sadness and anger, and to go through that together. Grow through that together. "Stay?" he asked, tightening his grip around the hand that he was holding, as though he was suddenly scared to be alone there on the steps. "Just for a couple minutes more."

The clip to Cage's voice caused her to flinch slightly, the amount of exhaustion made everything short. She understood his feelings, or she could understand them. How he was tired of loss and grief, that he had had a lifetime and then some that no one needed to experience. It was something Cordelia would never be able to take away that kind of pain, no matter what she wanted to do for him. This was part of his life that made Cage who he was, even if it was painful, and she loved him all the more for being there every single day despite the hard shit. "It's fine." she said when he apologized, she knew this was going to be hard, that it was going to bring up raw memories that Cage didn't want to deal with himself, let alone watch children that he loves go through it. Only she could imagine, she had lost her family in a far different kind of way, one where she hoped someday she could tell Shawn and Cienna that they were so very loved by their parents up until the day they left them. That there had never been any question about it, where as Cordelia would never know that, but it was something she was okay with. Something she had come to terms with, at least in some capacity. Or maybe this happening had made her think about it more than she expected. How could any parent not love their children and she was here bursting at the seams broken for these children that were not her own flesh and blood? Life didn't make sense sometimes, that was something she was finding out all too frequently, that it wouldn't no matter how much time they tried to pull at the fabrics of their life to understand. Cordelia could never understand how two people just trying to make life better for their family would be ripped away from the earth and just gone. "I agree." she said leaning more against the stairway railing now to hold her balance. "Something small, something private. I don't want Shawn overwhelmed, Cienna doesn't even understand but pushing her in front of a bunch of people that we know would show up because of our family's names, that isn't what I want. I want this for them." For Travis and Maddie who deserved so much more than what they had received, for Shawn and Cienna who deserved to not know that life could be so cruel at such young ages. "We'll take it by Shawn's speed. If he wants a dinner after, or if he wants to just do something more memorial and just some time afterwards." It wasn't like she wouldn't make sure he got food to eat but she didn't want to push.

"I can do that, if she'd be more comfortable having a day out." Of course she was more worried that the aunt needed more than just a day out shopping, but she also wasn't one to judge if it was something she couldn't do yet, or wasn't ready. Everyone was on their own timelines, no matter how much Cordelia wanted to help, she had to follow theirs and what they could do. When he went over all the stuff he had done with Rafael she nodded, she was glad that he had someone in his corner that was legally equipped for things and could go to. "Let's give her another day or two before springing this on her, I want her to know that we're here for anything she needs. Even if it's living out of our spare bedroom the next five years." Alright, maybe that was overkill but she'd do it if that helped anything for anyone at this point. "Think Shawn needs Cienna more than Cienna needs Shawn right now." Which someday she knew it would be the other way around and that as a big brother he'd step up but right now, she was bringing a peace to him that he didn't realize when he did get down and play with both Rosalyn and Cienna on the floor with their barbies, she figured feeling young again made his brain shut off just a tiny bit. When Cage asked her how she was doing, she cleared her throat, shifting her body to sit up brushing the hair out of her face. "I'm fine." she said, "I'm just tired. I've always been nauseous when I don't get enough sleep." Which was pretty much her state of being, not enough sleep, nor letting herself really sleep. Needing to check in on everything at any moment, not able to really drop her guard. "I'm fine, really." she said shifting again, "It's not about me." Even if every bit of her wanted to burst at the seams into tears, to scream, cry, yell, she wasn't really sure she wouldn't make this about her grief, not right now. If Cage wasn't, she couldn't or wouldn't either. "I should get some food up to her to make sure that she eats."

[cagenewman]

There was an edge to Cage's voice when he spoke, a bitterness that he couldn't help as it slipped into his tone, making the words clipped and short, an anger that he hadn't expecting to be harboring in his gut when he opened his mouth. "I've had enough grief for a fucking lifetime." His mother, his childhood without her, being a single parent to a boy who deserved better, losing his father; maybe a teeny, tiny part of him was angry at Travis and Maddie, mad at them for leaving this world, for leaving their friends, their kids -- and he hated himself for that. It wasn't their fault, what happened was horrible, and it wasn't their fault, but God, he meant it with his entire soul -- he had dealt with enough grief to stoke a fire, to burn for centuries, and he didn't want anymore, he didn't want to let himself grieve, even if he knew that he needed to. "Sorry," he murmured after a moment, rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes and then pushing fingers back through his hair, letting out a breath. "I'm sorry, I know, I just -- when my dad died, I didn't… handle it well. Handle myself well, and I can't afford to do that right now," he couldn't spend every night in a bar, chalking it up to 'reminiscing on old times' with friends when in reality, he was drinking his feelings and trying to cope. He took in another breath, deeper this time, steadier, sitting up a little more and nodding his head; she was right, they were in this together. "We're going to want something small. Travis and Maddie didn't have a lot of family, it's not like dad, we had a line up and down the sidewalk to get into the church, I never shook so many hands in my life," he had been the second oldest son, the one that had been home the most with their father, he had stepped up to do as much as he could until Kellan could take over as 'patriarch,' be the person squeezing shoulders and trying to keep a dry eye. But he remembered the pressure, the stress, the overwhelming sadness, and he didn't want that for Shawn, shook his head. "The kids can't handle something big... a small service, something private, maybe a dinner afterwards?"

Glancing up the stairs behind him, as though he could get some sort of intel as to how the kids' aunt was doing, Cage nodded his head, knowing that it couldn't have been easy for her. Moving away from home, convincing your brother to move soon after, losing him and his wife the way that she had. "If not a doctor, at least a day out, maybe, when she feels up to it. Spa, shopping, nice restaurant, something she wants to do, no kids, just to two of you?" he suggested, looking back down at his wife, and watching as she asked about Shawn, nodding his head, shifting his weight on the stairs to pull out his phone, unlocking it and opening the documents that Rafael had sent over earlier in the day, turning to show Cordelia the signed paperwork they had completed at the end of the summer. "I called Raf. Since he drew up the original guardianship deal for Shawn, I wanted to make sure that we knew where we stood; we have full rights for Shawn until June, which means unless he tells us otherwise, he's staying here with us," if nothing else, he hoped that could provide his wife some relief, flicking through the documents, "he's drawing up a copy of Trav and Maddie's will first thing Monday morning. That should give us more intel on exactly who the kids' legal guardians are, what our next steps should be, but I agree with you. About Cienna. I can't imagine separating them right now, I can't imagine surviving losing my mom without Kellan, without having Lou to take care of and I can't do that to them," he shook his head, setting his phone aside. They could talk to the kids' aunt, explain how they were feeling, work up some sort of temporary custody agreement, at least through the holidays, make sure that the kids were together for that, tackle all of it in the new year when things didn't feel quite so… raw. When everything didn't still sting the way that it did now. They would figure something out, they always did. They were Newmans. Watching as she leaned forward, he lifted a hand, rubbing it gently along her spine, watching his wife closely. While she mourned for Travis and Maddie, for Shawn and Cienna, for him, he mourned for her, too. Cordelia had never been through something like this, he knew that his wife had looked forward to the holidays, her first as an official Newman after so many years of wishing and dreaming, and although he knew that family would always be a sore spot for her, he also knew how important it was. He kept his voice quiet and between them, not just asking about right then and there, but… every moment, every day with this. "Are you okay, baby?"

This was the kind of pain that Cordelia would wish upon no one, no matter what happened in someone's life. Hell, she wouldn't even wish this on her own parents, and that was a pretty tortured experience right there. To have that thrust upon two young children was the kind of heartbreak that she couldn't begin to understand, not in that way. Loss was different in her world, but she could still understand the basic feelings. Not to mention she had loved these friends as family, that had been Cordelia's chosen family. Her friends that stood by her side in good times and in bad, when she had rekindled her relationship with Cage had been the utmost supportive. Now she was supposed to live without them in her life, their kids had to face every day forward without their parents for the most important days of their lives. Part of her hoped to just wake up screaming, covered in sweat, from the worst nightmare where Cage would comfort her and say this would never happen in their world. She was an adult and didn't know how she could feel so much pain, but anger too building in her slim frame. "Crying isn't a bad thing, it's human, it's grief." Cordelia had no doubt that this brought up some very raw points for Cage no matter how much time passed. Somethings he never expected him to ever get over, loss. "But we have to help Shawn learn to grieve something... this big. Even if it means we show him our emotions too." Her voice soft, she knew there was so much stigma around men showing their emotions. Something she didn't want Shawn to feel he had to hide, that he had to be the 'tough' one because of his little sister. Taking a breath, "Then let me be there to help you too." She knew they were both grieving for their friends, for the kids in their home to keep them safe, for the fact that Colton now would fully understand what it meant that life was precious and not guaranteed. Something she didn't want him to learn, not this way, not fear anytime his father left the house. "We need to help Shawn plan a service, we are in this together." It wasn't about making this about them, it was being a united front to be able to handle the fear that their children would experience, soothing the pain as much as they humanly could even if they couldn't fix it.

"We have to check in on Shawn's aunt too, make sure she's okay before anything more happens." she let out a breath, "She looked exhausted earlier, wonder if I should take her to the doctor just the stress itself." she murmured. "I just... I hate not being able to fix things." she shifted and leaned more into the stairs railing. "Do you think... what if we -- you know? Do you think Shawn would want to stay with us?" she asked, "We can protect him, we love him, I just... don't know how else to keep him safe other than wanting him to stay with us. Which means Cienna too, because how can you look at her and separate them, is that crazy? I just want to put them in a bubble and keep them from the world and anything else that could ever hurt them." she knew this would mean so much if they went down this path, lawyers, therapy for Shawn, Cienna, and in her own mind for Colton wouldn't be a bad idea either. Leaning forward she held her head, "I feel sick."

[cagenewman]

As a boy, Cage could distinctly remember the feeling of grief that had settled into his bones after losing his mother. What he thought would be just another day, just another sibling brought home from the hospital, his mother in her flowing dress, happy to show off the tiny bundle in his arms, had been an entire shift in the Newman family. There was no Victoria there to tuck him into bed at night, kiss his forehead, pat Moose on the head and say, 'goodnight, Cagey.' Older, wiser, more mature, losing his father hadn't hurt any less, years of friendship built up between them in end, fully knowing that he would not have been able to raise his son without his help, his support. Sitting in the room with his siblings as he left them, it had torn a new hole in his heart, and when he looked back on those moments now, tried to put himself in Shawn's shoes… imagined experiencing that twofold… Cage shook his head, letting out a small breath, "I know." Because there were things that Shawn would never forget, and things that Cienna would struggle to remember, and that was going to be hard. "I don't know if that makes it harder or easier." He took in a breath, lifting his head from where it was resting against hers to meet her eyes, nodding a little. "I just don't want to start crying," he admitted, pulling his gaze away to look out at the girls in the living room. "If I start thinking about my friends being gone, about how Shawn's going to blame himself, or Cienna's going to start asking questions, how they probably had big plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas… and they're not here, I'm not going to stop," he loosened his hand from hers, keeping his arm around her shoulders as he rubbed a hand over his face and let out a rough breath. But the wetness in the corners of his eyes betrayed him, and even though he clenched and unclenched his jaw, did his best to keep his voice steady, it wobbled as he spoke, "I need to help Shawn plan a service."

Lack of sleep was something that several were experiencing in the Newman household. Really the only ones who were getting any decent sleep were the two little girls sharing the dolls and small fake tea set between them that she could hear them chattering about from the other room. How could life be so cruel? To fundamentally change these children's life without a second though. It was true life didn't judge who you were, good or bad, if something was going to happen. She could see the heartbreak in Cage's eyes, wanting to take the pain away, he understood the loss of parents in a way she didn't. Her loss of parents was a totally different kind, Shawn's parents died and he knew he was loved -- oh he was loved by so many people that it was enough to bring an aching pain to her chest. One that she brought her hand up, rubbing against her lower ribcage, feeling the ache for both the kids. How she wanted to protect them from the pain but knowing it was inevitable that she couldn't. "Until she's older." she said, "And she's left wondering what they were like, does she have her mother's eyes, her father's smile." Hot tears slipping down her cheeks. Would they tell her about them? Show her photos? Of course. It just wasn't the same, those were fundamental cracks that would begin to form without even realizing they were there. "Shawn knows his parents love him, Cienna, she's so young." So was Shawn of course, "It's not fucking fair." she breathed out, her voice nothing more than a horse whisper. She knew Cage was attempting to be the man of the house, not showing his emotions, swallowing them as if he needed to be the strong one. "You know, not showing your emotions... Colton needs to know it's okay, he's trying for Shawn the same way you are for me." she said softly. "You know you don't have to be the tough guy all the time, right? I want them to know it's okay to feel this, or how else will we help them?"

[cagenewman]

The moment that Cordelia dropped down to sit next to him on the stairs, he shifted his body to let it mold against hers, the hand that was resting on hers taking it into his more fully, his other arm sliding around her shoulders to hold her smaller body in against his. "It's okay," he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. Neither of them had slept, he didn't know that it had come all that easy for anyone in the house, except for the maybe the girls. They could play, they could laugh, they could watch TV and enjoy their time together and not really have that understanding the way that everyone else did. But he saw the circles under Colton's eyes, knew that Shawn's were red. Their aunt had barely left the office space, except to be with the kids, to thank Cage and Cordelia a thousand times for letting her stay for a little while. "I don't think they mind," he responded, keeping his voice soft as he looked into the living room, where Cienna was handing Rosalyn one of the dolls they had chosen to play with, tottering it through the dollhouse. "Kind of a blessing and a curse that they really don't understand what's going on right now, you know?" Because Shawn understood, and Cage had been there. He was acutely aware of what Shawn was thinking, what he was going through, even if he couldn't imagine experiencing it all at once, and under the circumstances he was dealing with. He hesitated for a moment, chewing on his lip, having tried his absolute best to keep his emotions in check around his wife, to be the husband, the father, the head of the household, but… "God, this fucking sucks."

Nothing had gone to plan, they were supposed to come home, start decorating for Christmas, settle the kids in a little more, finish her classes for the semester, gearing up for the start of their own business together, but in a blink of an eye everything was shattered, changed, and lives disrupted forever. Cordelia was fundamentally changed in the moment of one phone call. Everything in her felt broken. Broken hearted for the loss of their friends they had known since they were kids, broken for Shawn, and his little sister. Broken for Colton who seemed to be understanding how life could be so cruel all of a sudden. There was a mix of Cordelia wanting to become an extremely protective mama bear and walking a fine line where she might break into tears to never stop again. By the time the kids were settled where they should be, she found herself sitting at the in their bedroom, her head in her hands. Exhaustion was very real, she wasn't sleeping. No, not really. There were a few times she found herself jumping up to go check on Shawn and then going to cuddle in bed with Cienna and Rosalyn. The need to protect the tiny almost four year old from anything. Before long she got up and headed downstairs finding her husband. She attempted to give some version of a smile but it was barely there as she sat down and rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I keep sneaking out at bed time. I just.. I feel this need to stay with the girls." she admitted, finally talking. "I can't sleep."