#coping mechanisms: drawing the 3rd life ending over and over and over

[sherlockggrian]

71 with Scar?

#71 - A House in Nebraska / Ethel Cain

bro you have no idea how much this was destined for me, I have always associated them with this song. for all my fellas who've never gotten over 3rd life. I'm still in that sand castle.

[ribbonverse]

Chapter 2

Notes on chapter 2.

Rukia is the most difficult to write for me, emotionally speaking. Maybe because she's the most like me, or maybe I appreciate her too much and don't think it's really possible for me to do her character justice when writing from her perspective.

This is also the only chapter written completely from Rukia's perspective. Most of the rest is from Ichigo's perspective, and occasionally from someone else's.

What I am satisfied with in the last two chapters is the charaterization of Ichigo's time with Rukia in terms of how hard the work was for him. I consider this a very lore friendly element.

Already in Bleach chapter 7, Ichigo complains about losing some of his sleeping time to Shinigami work. This isn't really brought up again as far as I remember, at leat not directly, but in the anime episode 10 (or at least one English translation of it), Rukia states how there's going to be more difficult fights in the future. Which indicates that things didn't really get easier for Ichigo over time.

In the same chapter, there's a pretty sweet moment where Ichigo is surprised to hear that Rukia cares about his well-being. We don't hear these thoughts of his in the anime episode, though you can still see his surprise.

In any case, this moment does make clear that Rukia does understand the need for a Shinigami to rest, but in my continuity, she doesn't yet understand how much rest a living human needs. This is one of the ideas I like the most, as it draws from Rukia's canonical background. Since she died as a small babby and has lived her entire life as a spirit, she would have had no personal experience on what being alive is really like. This would've affected how she treated Ichigo while he was helping her with Shinigami work.

Just a note on Rukia being a 3rd Seat now. I really don't like it when promotions are used in fiction as rewards. It's a dangerous way of doing things when it comes to running a serious organization, though that's sometimes how it works in real life as well, so I guess you could say it's realistic.

It's just really dumb when at the end of a story there's a time skip to show where everyone's life has gone since the story concluded, and instead of the characters having done something that fits their previous charaterisation, it turns out everyone and their mom has become a Captain/CEO/President/insert-highest-position-here. You know, because after everything that happened, the author still needs to highlight how the main characters are Very Special And Amazing People™ and therefore they must occupy the highest positions in the Hierarchy of Life™.

That's not why I made Rukia a 3rd Seat in this story. Similar to the Reiatsuppressors, it just arose as a device to fill a purpose, in this case to give her enough autonomy that she could leave for the Human World on her own initiative without getting into too much trouble.

The hierarchy within the Divisions isn't really covered enough where you could say how much power the position below a lieutenant would have, so I decided to just make her a lieutenant. And since the 13th Division doesn't actually have a lieutenant/2nd Seat and instead has two 3rd Seat officers, a third person sharing the position didn't really seem so far fetched.

It also served as an excuse for Rukia being buried in work and was the catalyst for making workaholism a coping mechanism for her. Her insecurity about her position also adds a dash of realism, I think.

I'm not all that satisfied with the conversation between Byakuya and Rukia. I say conversation, it's basically just Byakuya talking and Rukia listening, which is how it would go, seeing how their relationship is depicted by the end of the Soul Society arc. This part of the chapter was incomplete for the longest time and held up publishing the fic almost all on its own. I finally decided to just finish it up the best I could, even if it still leaves a lot to be desired.

One aspect of Byakuya that was mentioned but never explained in canon (as far as I can remember, anyway) was that Byakuya has never really looked at Rukia. In light of the reason for her adoption to the Kuchiki family, the reason should be pretty obvious, but IMO it should've been mentioned explicitly in canon. So I've just gone ahead and done it here.

For the record, I don't like "the Old Ways" as a name. It was originally just a placeholder or a colloquial in-universe name, and I intended to come up with an "official" one at some point. But I'm terrible with names and just couldn't come up with anything better. It would've held up publishing even more, so I'll just leave it as-is for now.

[kuunibal]

Wanting to stalk/kidnap/kill your beloved is a normal 'young love' thing?

Obviously wanting these 3 things is not normal. Because if someone 'says' this, it should ideally BE taken seriously❗ So yes I'm all for NOT ignoring this.

But still, in your case, I'm considering 8 things:-

Hormonal effect: everyone's feeling extremes during this time, now if u r someone aware of the world, obviously your extreme isn't going to be drawing a moustace on her face while she's sleeping, realistically, it's going to be smth like that only. I think this point is rightfully suppressed in the society to keep the kids on their best. But still, it's smth very much there, cuz this transition is usually tough n almost everyone's being stupid.

Mind & reality: technology- blurring of the line bw the outside n the inside (mind) world [Just as how brain can't differentiate bw fantasies & past. It just stores it in the memory] blog being an extension of the mind , anons as just diff 'voices' in the 'head', I say this cuz I've myself gone to similar experiences. I've 2-3x done things over a period of time, anonymously, it gives us the best sense of freedom so we end up doing things we wouldn't normally say/do. Like seriously I'd never ever do that shit, in reality, with all of my senses & my 'name'. And now, "which one is the 'real' me" is smth which can be argued.. But still I like to think the latter w the belief that the line should never be blurred bw the outside n the inside. Like eg, I'd just simply walk off the topic (offline) or refrain from msging this long (online), if I wasn't anonymous.

Mind-Coping mechanism/comfort zone: your mind is supposed to be the ONLY place in the world, free of judgements & w full freedom. Think of the freakiest or the kinkiest shit u come up with.. But, it should all stay in the head only.

Transition to adulthood: All these new '-ve' extreme emotions, I like to call them 'adulthood'.. ½ or ⅓rd of the married couples do wish death upon their spouses on certain events, but they don't actually… Similarly, we do wish for the absolute worst shit sometimes for the person we envy/dislike.. But doesn't mean we won't realise/control our emotions n ultimately end up treating the innocent person as crap.

Emotions x logic/perfection: easier to judge others thru a 3rd person's pov, but not ourselves, don't expect yourself to be 'likeable', 'logical' or perfect when u are really feeling stuff.. Just try your best to control it, n forgive if u can't.. And move on w life. You're not supposed to dwell on stuff.

Normalising of souvenirs: no. of souvenirs/'shrines'/memories we keep actively + how much we interact w them… is directly proportional to.. the effect it has on us. You don't think about the food u ate last month, unless u start maintaining a food log, n condition yourself over it.. I've literally bent my entire social life acc to this, cuz I don't wanna dwell on stuff. You invite the guilt n precursors to further emotions.

First love: first time feeling stuff, it being the START to your love life, nothing to compare, blah blah blah, u dvp your.. How should I put this.. 'mate' value thru your 1st love, 1st loves are supposed to be memorable

Emotions=helplessness & forgiveness: you felt too strong, for too long, it wasn't reciprocated, so.. Obviously, the bitterness. I mean seriously, you're just WANTING to kill/kidnap her in your headspace.

So yeah i do think YOU are fine for JUST WANTING to kill/kidnap/stalk your girl.

🌬..

I see your point, I admire your dedication in writing all this out. I don't think that everyone's situation (or possibly mine) can completely be attributed to these natural factors, especially seeing how conditions like obsessive love disorder (O.L.D.) and relationship OCD exist, but this does provide a good reference to possible causes. Normalcy is something of a sliding scale, isn't it.

[cafedanslanuit]

Legend

♡   —   personal favourites

☆   —   fan favourites

♠   —   nsfw

♫   —   includes songs

Headcanons

RFA + Saeran - Dirty Dancing  ♫ ♡

RFA + Saeran - MC wants to have her own business

RFA - MC is ten years older than them ♡

RFA - What goes through their mind when they’re cuddling? ☆

RFA + Vanderwood - Having a rebellious kid ♡

RFA - MC can’t sleep unless with them

RFA - A bubbly MC makes self-deprecating jokes as a coping mechanism ♡

RFA - MC that is bubbly, confident and never afraid to stand up for someone

Yoosung dragging MC back to bed because it’s raining

RFA + V - MC blasts music when she’s upset ♫

RFA + V + Saeran - MC with a passion for anime and drawing

RFA + V + Saeran - MC with a major in fashion

RFA + Saeran - Quarantine edition ♡

RFA + V + Saeran + Obey Me! brothers on a trip to the beach ♡ ☆

RFA - MC with a hand fetish

MC has Jumin trying commoner food

Zen + Jumin + Saeyoung - MC is selfconscious about being chubby and they make her feel better  ♠ ♡

Jumin comforts MC about a guy who is texting her constantly and making her upset

RFA reacts to a MC that is called Elizabeth

RFA + V + Saeran - As Les Misérables songs  ♫ ♡

Saeyoung messes with Yoosung’s phone to help him out

Saeyoung x MC - MC makes her own music

Latina!MC and Jumin get stuck with MC’s latino parents during quarantine ♡

RFA + Saeran - MC gets her wisdom teeth out ♡ ☆

RFA + V + Saeran - MC has a bad coping mechanism of punching her thighs (tw!)

Domestic Texts Series: Zen & MC || Saeran & MC ♡

RFA - MC is obsessed with Elizabeth the 3rd

RFA + V + Saeran with a MC that likes going to protests

RFA - MC grew up in really bad poverty

RFA + V + Saeran - They find out MC is only eighteen after everything that happened during their routes ☆

RFA - How do they calm MC when she’s anxious?

RFA - MC has dyslexia

RFA - MC with chronic pain

Royal AUs with Jumin, Zen and Yoosung

Love Language Event with Yoosung, Zen, Jumin, Saeyoung, Saeran and V

Happy New Year Event with Saeyoung, Saeran, Zen, V and Yoosung

Thirst Asks [+18]

[All Asks]

[Jumin] [Jihyun] [Yoosung]

Fanfiction

Mystic Messenger as failed love stories  ♡

reminiscing about the characters and your failed love stories in an alternate universe

You get me ♡

What happens when you’ve finally found your prince charming, but he doesn’t seem to fit in your life anymore?

Bet you can’t leave me

Mystic Messenger Week 2020. “The first time she threatened to leave me, I felt like I was dying.”

Who are you?

Drabble prompt - Zen always sought recognition for his work. Lately, he’s been using other resource to achieve his goals.

Dance with me

Latina!MC tries to teach Zen to dance bachata.

Jealousy [Kinktober 2020 - Day 2] ♠

When Zen agreed to be MC's plus one at a fancy party, he never expected she would lock them both inside a bathroom in a fit of jealousy. The hunger in her eyes could only indicate she was about to remind him who he was with.

A plan gone wrong [Mysme Angst Week - Day 1]

You convinced Zen to stage a fake coffee date in order to give Jumin, your fiancé, a wake up call about how much he had been ignoring you lately. However, things don't go as planned.

i could buy you anything but i cannot buy you  ♠ ♡

[kinktober 2021 - day fifteen: body worship] Zen had always had the need to be in control for a lot of years. (...) His guard may not be up as much as it did back then, but to this day Zen still takes a second look at any situation he’s in. He can’t let anything drive him away from his acting career so he always has to give his best and not take anything for granted.

You get me  ♡

What happens when you’ve finally found your prince charming, but he doesn’t seem to fit in your life anymore?

I always wanted to marry rich

Jumin Han stood with his hand holding the doorknob, not believing what he had just heard. There was no way this was happening. Not days before his wedding. Not only that, days before he married who he thought was the love of his life. The one who he thought he could trust, the one that didn’t ask for anything but his love and attention.

Home

You are staying at Jaehee’s after Jumin did something that made you really angry. While staying there, you start feeling sick and end up at the hospital. What you first thought was nothing to worry about, quickly turns into a nightmare that could change your relationship.

Sweet Creature  ♫ ♡

Jumin gets stuck in another country away from his wife due to the pandemic. He’s been having trouble falling asleep, so MC decides to tell him a bedtime story. A simple request ends up making Jumin open up about a small insecurity he had over his wife and his best friend.

If I could tell him  ♫

Request: “can i request a jumin fic where MC has a crush on jumin but is very shy and so ends up talking with the other members more and then jumin confronts her about it and she accidentally confesses/he confesses.”

Animal I Have Become  ♫

500 followers event. “So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become. Help me believe it’s not the real me.”

Young God ♫  ♠

500 followers event. “He says: “Oh, baby girl, don’t get cut on my edges. I’m the king of everything, you know my tongue is a weapon. There’s a line on the clock that’s separating your thighs, if you wanna go to Heaven you should fuck me tonight.”

Crowded Room  ♫ ♡ ☆

500 followers event. “Baby, it’s just me and you, just us two, even in a crowded room, baby it’s just me and you” - [SMAU Epilogue]

Dear Jumin ♡ ☆

What if after all the events that happened during Jumin’s route, he didn’t fall in love with MC?

A new life

When MC gets into a car accident, Jumin ends up with her medical records. He never thought he would find out about what happened to his wife six years ago.

You see me in my room, wish you were here right now [Kinktober 2020 - Day 12] ♠ ☆

Jumin Han clicks on a pop-up ad and gets stuck into a cam girl website. As he waits for someone to come to his penthouse and fix his laptop, he can't help but notice a young woman giggling as she read through he comment section. From that moment on, he's hooked. And he can't wait to see more of her.

Sometimes I think about Elizabeth [Mysme Angst Week - Day 3]

Jumin tries to deal with the grief of losing Elizabeth the 3rd.

A late night conversation

A late night conversation with Jumin takes another turn into a much better scenario. [Fix-it fic for Jumin's DLC. Set on Episode 3]

Seven Minutes in Heaven - Holidays Edition  ♠

You’re home for the holidays and your friends invite you to a party. After a couple of drinks, one of them proposes playing seven minutes in heaven and makes everyone at the party leave an item of theirs in a small basket. When it’s finally your turn, you walk over and inspect the items before choosing the one that will decide your fate for the night.

A day off

For @/mysme-rbb event! You convince Jumin to take a small trip to the theme park. Taking into consideration it was the first time either of you had stepped foot in a place like that, it went exactly like expected.

you know i’m just a flight away (if you wanted you could take a private plane) ♠ ♡ ☆

[kinktober 2021 - day five: sex tape] Knowing Jumin is about to leave on yet another work trip, you suggest recording something for him to see while away. A little souvenir so he doesn't miss you too much- but now he's not sure he wants to leave at all.

Superstar  ♫

500 followers event. “Before I met you, I pushed them all away / Soon as I kissed you, I wanted you to stay.”

What you always wanted

Mystic Messenger Week 2020. As MC’s anniversary with Saeyoung is approaching, she asks her friends of the RFA for advice on what present is the best one. After several recommendations, she decides on what she should give him. Her only hope is that he’ll be happy with her choice.

The Ghost Of You   ♡   [ Vietnamese translation ]

A love story between a man with a mysterious job and a nurse during the Second World War. “And all the things that you never ever told me and all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me. Never coming home, never coming home.”

Loving You ☆

Drabble Prompt. “I am profoundly enchanted by the flowing complexity in you.” - John Keats

Discoveries [Kinktober 2020 - Day 27] ♠

After you find a transparent light blue dildo hidden in Saeyoung's room, the question hangs in the air. Why not trying it out together?

Lost on you [Mysme Angst Week - Day 2]

A discussion about how to handle Saeran's recovery turns into the worst fight Saeyoung and MC have ever had. Both of them bring back past memories that should have never been talked about, in a desperate try to prove their point, not noticing how much they're tearing their relationship apart.

Just like him [Mysme Angst Week - Day 7]

No one teaches you how to grief. Sometimes you just do whatever it helps the pain go away.

give me the stars

For @/gureishi’s event. A small piece to celebrate Saeyoung’s birthday. A late-night escapade for two young lovers.

Wildest Dreams  ♫ ♡

500 followers event. Slightly NSFW. “He says no one has to know what we do, his hands are in my hair, his clothes are in my room.”

Seven Minutes in Heaven - Holidays Edition ♠

You’re home for the holidays and your friends invite you to a party. After a couple of drinks, one of them proposes playing seven minutes in heaven and makes everyone at the party leave an item of theirs in a small basket. When it’s finally your turn, you walk over and inspect the items before choosing the one that will decide your fate for the night.

Beautiful  ♡

Jihyun has a couple of burn scars on his torso after the fire that took his mother’s life. You make sure you know he loves every part of him.

Wait for me

When the pandemic starts, MC gets stuck in another country, away from Saeran who was just starting his recovery. She tries to work a system with him so they can feel close even when they’re kilometres apart.

How ♫

500 followers event. “I’m asking for your help, I am going through hell, afraid nothing can save me but the sound of your voice.”

Vanilla ♠ ♡ ☆

NSFW. Saeran’s favourite place was between MC’s legs.

Apricity

Drabble Prompt. He never understood the reason behind this change (...). All he knew was that when winter came, he would start feeling tired out of nowhere and he would lose his appetite.

Gardening

Drabble Prompt. In which Saeyoung and MC break one of Saeran’s pot and they try to cover it up before he gets home.

All I’ve Ever Known  ♡ ☆

Drabble Prompt. Saeran has some doubts before his wedding. Thankfully, you’re there to send all his worries away.

Not to be able to love

Drabble Prompt. He wants to love her, he does. But when you’ve been through that much, it gets hard to love and not need.

Four Seasons (15 chapters)  ♠ ♡

Saeran’s After Ending. Saeran has finally found MC and is ectasic to finally be able to enjoy the good ending his tumultous life has reached. But with Saeyoung still missing and Mint Eye around, his happiness may have to wait a little more. Was love really capable to win against his inner demons or will he have to learn to fight for himself?

In another life [Mysme Angst Week - Day 4]

When MC knows her time is coming, she promises Saeran she will do whatever it takes to find him in another life. The only mistake was that she didn't expect to find him like that.

Our time

Saeran is saying his goodbyes but this time, you decide not to let him go. || Fix-it fic for Saeran's After Ending

even in the dark

For @/gureishi’s event. A small piece to celebrate Saeran’s birthday. Some days are better than others. But the people who love us stay through it all.

[marinarasbench]

Astoria: A Journey in Threes

“Everything happens, it happens in threes” a statement in trimeter, sung in 3/4 time, in an overture of 3 movements. Astoria is the title track off of the album, Astoria, the band Marianas Trench’s 3rd concept album, meant to emulate the coming-of-age 80’s movie soundtrack and heavily influenced by its namesake, The Goonies. This in mind, the metaphor of 3’s extends further to tell this story, referencing the superstition that bad things come in 3’s. The three movements of this piece reflect that, telling the story of the hardships of songwriter Josh Ramsay’s life post the highs of winning a Grammy for writing Call Me Maybe and landing a US record deal with his own band’s double-platinum album, Ever After. The movements follow the pain of learning his mother has Lewy Body Dementia and the rapid deterioration that followed, his struggle and consequential frustration in trying to write music that lived up to his recent success that led to his fiancé calling off their wedding, and finally, his resulting drinking problem that landed him in the hospital for pancreatitis.

The first lines of the song open over a synth motif, “Astoria, I’m warning you, / Not ready yet, not for you,” a shout into a void of reverb. These lines set the tone of the coming-of-age tale, never being prepared to grow up but being faced with the journey ahead. The next line, “Don’t want to know my darkest lows / my blackest pitch, murder of crows” enhances this denial as the notes descend. Each phrase starts with a step up one pitch followed by a fall of three steps, continuing this descent into adversity when forced to say, “goodbye mother’s fairy tale”. The entire first movement then references being forced to grow into adulthood by losing his mother. This is wrapped in a beautiful metaphor in the second verse of the first movement by the phrase, “slow rebirth,” that could mean two things, one is that Lewy Body Dementia attacks the brain so aggressively that it forces people “to the cradle again”, a common theme throughout the album of helping his mother as her adulthood disappears. The other option is that this is meant to talk about how these experiences reshaped who he was as a person and forced him to grow up, something he feels he struggled to do his whole life. This is followed by the desperation found in the lines, “Don’t remind me what the price is / When left to my own devices’ / Cause I'll find out in all due time / What happens to never say die”, saying that he feels he can’t be responsible for himself and can’t survive on his own. This is possibly a reference to the drinking problem that sent him to the hospital a year later. The use of “Never say die” from The Goonies is another example of this childhood mantra fading from his head, having to come to terms with the fact that someone he loves is dying and he is helpless. The movement ends referencing the role this played in his downward spiral to his hospitalization, mentioning, “I’ll say whatever doesn't make me stronger kills me / But it's going to be a long year / Till the hospital can find hope in me” Two new voices enter in a call and response. “Tell me I survive,” sings Miles Ramsay, the songwriter's father, shadowed by Josh Ramsay’s sister, Sarah, asking, “Do I survive you Astoria?” The repetition of the lines implies a growing urgency. This makes this moment a family struggle in which everyone is unsure if they can grow past this and learn to live without their mother or wife. This is finalized with a trio of Josh Ramsay joining his father and sister to sing, “Do you know everything happens / It happens in threes”, another layer of the metaphor of threes that leads into the second movement.

The second movement completely changes the musical motifs, taking away the rock drums and bright guitars and replacing it with fuzzy synthesizer over a heavy 4-on-the-floor pulsing bass drum beat. This introduces the first line, “A fever blur through names obscured”. You can immediately feel the drunkenness in the distant, quiet, haunting music, “And speech is slurred” confuses your brain with the layers of chorus and vocals that don’t quite line up and emphasize the onomatopoeia of “slur” by packing in alliteration with “speech” and elongating both S’s with a lingering, whispering, creepy voice that is distorted out of existence as the story of how he ended up here unfolds. “I'm on my own you came alone / All dressed up in bad news / I know you can hurt too / This would be the wrong move / Maybe we should leave soon”. To have come alone, dressed up in bad news meaning he is there alone as a direct response to something, presumably relationship issues. By the time we reach “This would be the wrong move” we get the impression of the rebound hookup contrasted with this hazed judgement. He knows its wrong and he’s going to do it anyway, made clear when he throws caution to the wall and sings, “Hey ever just say fuck it? / Maybe I'll drink this all away in buckets / Oh, hey, might as well say fuck it / I want to hurt myself until I love it”. This gets into the vice of drinking as a response to his mother’s health and his fiancé leaving him, the lack of parental guidance and being left to his own devices, his coping mechanisms having never formed past substance use and self-destructive behavior. “And the little deaths / Are a little less even if its just for a moment / Hey lets all say fuck it / I’m gonna make my mother so proud of it,” tells the listeners of the song that this is both a sardonic dig at his own behavior and feeling like he’s letting his mother down as well as letting the listener know that this is something he’s hurt over, that he so desperately wants to make his mother proud and he feels both that he as a person is incapable of being someone she could be proud of.

The final movement is ushered in by Josh Ramsay’s lead vocals screaming the main musical motif that has been present through the entire song while the set player goes crazy with drum fills and the bass and guitar hit their power chords to radiate and take up space underneath him in an epic climax of emotion. After the moment of silent reflection, the lines from the first movement return, “I'll say whatever doesn't make me stronger kills me / Buts its going to be a long year / Till the hospital might find hope in me”. Ramsay makes it a point to draw out the word “long” in a screaming belt that emphasizes just how much pain he’s going to go through that feels never-ending. The continued motif of tipping the common “Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” on its head helps describe the catastrophic impact of all of these issues in his life, feeling like everything is so hard, taking such a large toll, that he’s slowly dying, that all this hardship is killing him. This leads to a desperate call and response of the title, “Astoria” between Josh Ramsay and his family on the album, one again in a set of three. The desperation of his scream contrasted with the angelic harmonies of his family’s support create such a dire dichotomy that completely changes the effect of the word. The calls for “Astoria” fade out and the only thing left is a desolate quiet filled only with the slow pings of a piano, so high it sounds like a music box slowing down to a stop, and single broken voice singing over it. These final lines feel like a lullaby, repeating the last wish in the night, “Let the melody save me Astoria / Let the melody save me Astoria”, feeling almost child-like, begging for help from some kind of savior. “The quid pro quo's that will compose / From esoteric to common prose” is the line wrapped in the most layers of metaphor. Quid pro quo’s being an exchange, a bargain, and esoteric to common meaning it is something that started obscure but became something common, constant and expected. The important words in this phrase then are “compose” and “prose”, which relate it to language, this is something that is being sung or said. Likely, this is then about denial and coming to terms with his mom’s health, his fiancé leaving him, and his drinking as a result that led to his hospitalization. It’s all a form of grieving, and the exchange happens in composing lies and attempts to deny and justify behavior. The more you try to convince yourself that things are okay, the more you say the same things, the same lies, until they are “common prose”. Finally, the song closes with a chorus of voices from the band, their families, and friends singing, “Astoria”, leading into an upward key change that provides a hint of hope at the end of the journey.

[ruinouss-archived]

Dossier

Disclaimer: This contains the basics that mainly center around a more modern world. Any verse specifics can be found under her VERSES page.

The backstory TL;DR of her bio is at the bottom. Backstory tws: child/domestic abuse mention, alcohol, drugs, and death.

Mini Ref  - Other Visuals - Tattoo and Scar Guide (coming soon)

General

Name: Faye Rivera

Nicknames: Red, that bitch

Race: Human (most verses)

Age: 28

Gender: Cis-Female

Orientation: Demiromantic pansexual

DoB: May 3rd

Occupation: Gun for hire

Appearance

Height: 5'3"

Body Type: Hourglass

Skin Tone: Tanned

Hair: Reddish Brown

Eyes: Heterochromia blue (left) & brown (right)

Notable features: Freckles over bridge of nose, beauty mark on left jaw, notch in right ear, scar across right side of neck, and small ones scattered over body

Modifications: Three piercings in right ear, five piercings in left ear, behind left ear, and on her left hip/thigh.

Face Claim: Adria Arjona

Personal

Skills: Expert hand to hand combat, expert marksmanship, expert swordsmanship, first aid, cooking, minor mechanical knowledge, minor hacking knowledge

Weapons: Dual swords/daggers, hidden blades, retractable bo-staff, dual pistols, various other weapons depending on the job

Likes: Cooking/eating, drawing/painting, danger, drinking, the ocean, music (listening and playing)

Dislikes: Authority, failing, spiders (borderline phobia), being alone, losing her temper

Fears: Blackout darkness, claustrophobia

Family: Fiona Rivera (mother), Ryder Rivera (older brother), Cesar Steele (father), Joseph Duvall (Mentor/adoptive father)

Personality: Upon first impression Faye comes off as a cocky, audacious smartass with a death wish. She lives life to the fullest and tends to be rather reckless in some of her actions. But don’t let this fool you, she’s very calculating in her risks and has at least two back up plans already in the works. She’s slow to trust and can come off as a bit callous in some of her mannerisms and responses and her chaotic neutral disposition can prove unfavorable if a higher bidder comes along. It’s a cruel world and she’s learned the hard way to do the double cross first. She’s constantly looking for the next job/adventure and can find the silver lining in even the most bleak of situations.     Her mouth tends to operate faster than her mind which often gets her into some sticky situations but she’s learned to adapt and roll with the punches. Literally and figuratively. If one manages to tolerate her and stick around long enough to gain her trust they’ll earn themselves a friend who’ll gladly trade her life for theirs. They’ll also learn there’s more to her than meets the eye. And as a final warning, be mindful as she has a nasty temper that can get the best of her in the blink of an eye.

Bio:     Ever since she was born, life was difficult to put it simply. Her father, Cesar, was a cruel man who took over a criminal empire at a young age. Her mother was forced to be his property in exchange for her sister’s life. He found his men to have too many morals and decided to treat his two children as experiments, forcing them to commit heinous acts at a young age and severely and inhumanely punishing them when they disobeyed. Faye got the worst of it as her she got his tenacious and rebellious spirit. Her mother did what she could to protect her children, attempting many times to escape with her children. Each failed escape ended with a worse punishment that only fueled a fire and hatred for the man. It wasn’t until she was around eight and her brother was eleven that they finally got their chance to escape.     A highly trained mercenary had been hired to infiltrate Cesar’s domain and gather what intel he could. Upon discovering the family, he decided to assist them in escaping, believing Faye’s mother, Fiona, would be able to divulge valuable information. It was an escape as Cesar always seemed to be a step ahead. They managed to escape the compound but didn’t get very far before Cesar had tracked them down. The mercenary, Joseph, was badly injured during the firefight, leaving the three basically defenseless. In a last ditch effort, Fiona gave her life to save her children. Faye and her brother took to the woods, using their smaller size to their advantage as night fell. Assuming they’d succumb to the elements, Cesar gave up the chase and returned to his base of operations.     The pair waited for hours before finally moving, knowing there was nothing else but to look forward. Eventually they came across train tracks and followed it to a city where they survived in the slums by stealing and taking advantage of anyone that crossed their path. Over a year passed before their luck took a curious turn. Faye was attempting to pickpocket a stranger when they managed to catch her by her wrist. To both their surprise it turned out to be the same mercenary who had rescued her and her brother. He had survived his injuries that fateful night and spent days searching for them before ending up in the city. He decided to offer her a deal; he would adopt her and her brother but they’d have to follow his every command or they could remain on the streets where eventually their luck would run out. At the thought of becoming mercenaries themselves and avenging their mother, they agreed.     The following years were exhausting and difficult as they went through rigorous training to prepare themselves for the cruelty of the world while also having to balance school work. When their vindictive intentions came to light, Joseph confronted them with him and Ryder having a huge falling out who refused to bow down. A fight ensued but Joseph was quick to put Ryder back into his place, showing their was still much the eighteen year old could learn. This only upset Ryder who took off, leaving Faye to train alone. Despite the pain she felt from her brother’s abrupt disappearance she remained with Joseph, continuing to learn the trade and feeling the first sting of betrayal. They had been on a mission when one of their comrades double crossed them for a large cut. While they managed to complete the mission, Joseph suffered injuries that required him to retire.     Faye continued on and when she was twenty-one fell in love with a man named Ethan who showed her an even more lucrative world dealing in the underworld. She ignored her father’s warnings and pleas to not go down that path, running off with Ethan who manipulated into doing just about anything. A few years went by before she was ultimately betrayed by Ethan who attempted to kill her, slicing her neck and setting the building they were in on file. Miraculously, Faye managed to survive and pull herself out where she was able to get medical help in the nick of time. Her father came to visit where they reconciled. However, it was a short lived reunion as Ethan had heard of Faye’s survival and sent some men to dispose of her. Joseph was killed protecting his daughter. Grief stricken, Faye gave in to her rage and spent the next several months tracking Ethan and anyone associated with him down before brutally killing them.     Unable to properly cope with her grief and pain, she dissociated, becoming a living weapon. She reached out to contacts in the underworld, taking damn near every job offered to her no matter how gruesome or cruel the specifics might’ve been. She turned to alcohol and drugs to help dull her senses. This continued for about a year until her brother managed to track her down. It was a rough month as he forced her to detox and face what had happened and what she’d been doing the past year before finally bringing her back to normal. He helped her grieve and the two caught up where she learned he had in fact killed their father and took over the criminal empire, changing things so it was mainly just guns and drugs they dealt with. He’d always kept an eye on her but it wasn’t until she really went off the rails that he decided to step in.     Ryder remained with Faye, accompanying her on a few missions and showing her a few of his contacts that assisted in more training and fine tuning her abilities. He stayed until he was certain she wouldn’t slip back into a dark place. The two remained in contact and Faye continued working as a gun for hire with jobs ranging from being a body guard to contract killer. She remained rather neutral with the jobs she took, only stating killing animals and most children were off the table. Old habits died hard and she found herself finding some comfort in alcohol on the lonely nights.     TL;DR: Father was a crime lord and murdered her mother in front of her and her brother as they were trying to escape. The siblings lived on the streets for a year before a mercenary took them in. She trained with him even after her adoptive father and brother had a falling out and her brother left. She eventually ran off with some guy who manipulated her and introduced her to the underworld before eventually betraying her. She managed to survive and reconciled with her father right before her ex’s men tried killing her and instead ended up killing her adoptive father. This sent her in a rage where she hunted down her ex and his associates.     After successfully killing them, she was unable to cope with the guilt that came with her father’s death. She cut herself off from her emotions and started taking just about any job even if it meant killing innocent. This continued until her brother decided to step in and try and get her back on the right track. When he managed to break through they caught up and she learned he’d killed their father and had taken over the criminal business with some changes. They remained in touch and eventually Faye started working as a gun for hire again, taking jobs that ranged from being a body guard to a contract killer with a slightly better moral compass than before.

Extras

Knows a few different languages

Claustrophobia and fear of darkness stems from being locked in a footlocker/closet/cellar as punishment from her father

Usually always has snacks on her

Sometimes gives people nicknames

Has used the pseudo name Sharon Peters (say it fast)

Has safe houses scattered all over

[ellyzsx]

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me

[miru-n]

it's 3 am

and it's my annual 'damn i hate my art so much'

i always draw something and never look at it ever again after i post/scrap it because whenever i do that, i know i will hate that piece and hate myself because i'm way too critical on myself. i always notice the smallest mistake that screamed so loud right in front of my face but i can't do anything about it because

1. skill-wise i'm not capable enough to fix said mistake

2. the algorithm on social media (insta, twt) would hurt my posts when i delete a post. hell, editing a fucking caption would screw the reach of said piece

but i know so damn well no one cares or realize if they even spot the mistake that bothers me

"you care about algorithm? what, you draw to gain popularity?" not necessarilly. i've been posting my art since middle school. i was stuck on 500 followers (that half of those are 100% bots) on insta from high school until almost the end of uni year. i'm literally a nobody who scribbled lines and colors

what i want is for people to see it. like it. comment it. feel it. idk, a sign of recognition that said 'hey, your hardwork paid off!'

maybe i do want popularity

i had a lot of pieces i tore apart or scribbled out or burned or slammed my fist on my digital tools or punch the wall till it hurt me physically because how unsatisfied i was with them

but i've learned not to degrade my own art like that around 3rd semester of uni because a lecturer told me that kind of view is toxic and will never help me grow both as an artist and as a person. i would love to thank her for that haha. i still got that tendency to not look at my art after i post/scrapped them still. but i've slowly grown out from that point i think

until today when those same feeling came back and slap me in the fucking face because i decide to look at my art that i posted and scrapped over and over. a mistake on my end honestly

how the fuck did I feel satisfied from this shit. i can see so many mistakes. a spot that i forgot to erase. a spot i forgot to color. a spot i forgot to draw, even tho those details are on the sketch version already but i still manage to forgot about it. a spot this, a spot that

it's painful

and it's even more painful because i can't just stop drawing

it's genuinely the only thing that brings me joy. it's one of my coping mechanism. it's the only skill i have. it's the only thing i've spend my entire life on. hell, i graduated from an art uni for fuck's sake.

i hate myself for feeling this way

but i'll probably forgot about all of this rambling i wrote the next morning like how i always forgot my other problems until it finally slap me again in the future

anyway i feel better from writing this lmao to whoever read this, you poor soul. i'm so sorry for dumping this into your face. but thank you for taking your time to read this nonsense

'why tf u post this then' lol idk. me in the morning or the future will probably say that as well and then delete this. or not because i forgot about it entirely

i hope you'll never experience this feeling. ok nite