#controlled vocabulary
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Modest claim to modest fame: Got autigender into the homosaurus.
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one of my favorite things to come out of the book of bill is all of the bill possessing ford content. like both in canon and in fanworks. bipper did something irrevocable to me back in 2014 but ciphord/bord is such a unique clusterfuck of possession horror and it haunts me.
#one of the things to come out apart from bill HEYO *slaps knee*#anyway to quote that infected paul post it's about the fight for control#most possession situations are one-and-done but ciphord is constant#and i can't really think of anything like it#there's just something about it#this entity that you thought was your friend can and will take over and torment you. no way of knowing what he's doing with your body#dealing with the fact that you let it in. you blame yourself for being so foolish#waking up with blood on your hands and threats written over the walls#the paranoia the struggle the horrors the betrayal the sharing a body with someone who wants you to suffer#and also 'i removed the word burden from your vocabulary and replaced it with sea otter!'#gravity falls#tbob spoilers#the book of bill#ciphord#bord#i loooooove ciphord please recommend me fics that dive into how fucked up it is
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i love that my therapist was like . “bitch, lie more”
#i give way too much access to myself to people who don't respect it#and i need to be more protective of my time and energy and vulnerability.#she’s like. if you get a phone call you don’t wanna answer. if you’re in a conversation you don’t wanna continue to be in. LIE.#say you need to go cuz you have plans. pretend you’re in the middle of something. fake an incoming phone call.#if you need to spend an entire day in bed and someone thinks that means you’re available. say you’re running errands all day instead!#if you don’t want to answer a question. you actually have to go pee really bad all of a sudden!#the autism makes this so so so hard for me. i do not think well on my feet. but i need to like.#pre-load some of these excuses into my vocabulary and my toolbox.#cuz my mom & my stepmom both run me the fuck over if given more than very controlled allotted access to me.#and i cannot keep living like that.#izzy.txt
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Found some paperwork from when I was in kindergarten
Guess who was supposed to get a referral for a physiotherapist (that never was filled)
#its me that's who#i knew about everything else on there (like how I was supposed to be evaluated again in grade 2 [7 y/o] but never was)#and all the results say basically “this child is really advanced and has a abnormally large vocabulary for the age”#“but also noticable gross motor control issues that should be monitored”#nothing was monitored or readdressed#basically a ton of early signs of developmental issues that went ignored by everyone that was supposed to take care of me :)#I understand why the autism went unnoticed - it was 2006 and i was hyperverbal and outgoing#but the gross motor control (proprioception walking running jumping etc.) should have been addressed#ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S STILL AN ISSUE 20 YEARS LATER HOLY FUCK#if i could've gotten a diagnosis for any of this at 5/6 y/o everything would have been so much easier#i am upset.
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Adding the Supervillain tag to Catwoman but shaking my head as I do it so you know I think her character is more complex than the categorisation system.
#control vocabulary#meche chatters#had to ask a coworker of Bucky Barnes was like Catwoman for this cleanup project
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sometimes I wonder how obvious it is that I grew up writing on rp forums lmao
#every time I look over a chunk of writing and see it all from One character's PoV despite it involving multiple people like#huh weird wonder how that happened#as if that wasn't the way you had to write each post because you were controlling One Person in each scene (give or take)#12 year old me on the neopets rp forums like “yaay 24 hour writing with people!!”#and then I went to clickcritters/pokeplushies and wasn't seen again until like 2013 or some shit LMAO#I miss forums tho it genuinely made me a better writer just by pure volume of posting#and I like crafting stories with people it got me to work on topics and issues I wouldn't normally have faced#I don't think I could keep up with that scene anymore even if I had a forum to haunt again and maybe it's nostalgia goggles#I simply Miss It#also my vocabulary and ability to interact with people is heavily influenced by this too for better /and/ for worse lmao
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I also find it difficult to articulate the general sense of what things have been like for me instead of having to list granular aspects of my upbringing or having to resort to the excessive broadness of it being "bad"
#i find there to be a lack of vocabulary#there's no roadmap term in the way that like 'my parent was an alcoholic' provides a roadmap#'my parent had a gambling addiction'. etc#both of those describe patterns of behavior in a way that 'my parent was extremely controlling' does not
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if you watched all of abaab and you're still like 'ah shame about the power imbalance though' then you missed the point entirely
#confiscating that phrase from everyone's vocabulary bc y'all legit do not know what it means#their relationship is inappropriate because cher gets special treatment not because gun uses his status as cher's boss to pressure him#cher is never like omg i can't turn him down he's my boss. which would be the actual issue of that so-called ''power imbalance''#what part of ''you can't control me'' was hard to understand?#LIKE FOR FUCK'S SAKE GUN IS ACUTELY AWARE OF IT HIMSELF THAT'S WHY HE'S SO HESITANT DESPITE CHER BEING OBVIOUSLY INTO HIM#LIKE WERE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTIONNNNN#their ACTUAL power imbalance is their class difference - and that's not inherently bad#power imbalances aren't inherently bad!!!!!#do you think that everyone has to keep a Social Measuring Tape around with them everywhere?#measuring everyone they're interested in to make sure they're the Same Exact '''''Power?''''''#to what end?#on that basis alone all het relationships are inherently bad and wrong#all interracial relationships#cis/trans relationships#disabled/abled relationships#i could go on and on#it's such a childish view of human relationships#grow UP#fb
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Every time a character has a weird way of speaking, I absorb it and all that weird stuff becomes part of my vocabulary
#me with skizz and bdubs rn I'm obsessed with how they speak#i constantly call impulse dippledop and pearl pearlypop and cleo clebert#and I can't even describe what bdubs has changed within me but trust me. he's CHANGED me. I constantly find bdubs inspiration in my texts#that creature man has taken over me BRAIN YOUU!!! WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS. CANT YOU OBSESS OVER HOW NORMAL PEOPLE TALK!#but nooooo it's got to be BDUBS and SKIZZLE. the two guys who speak the WEIRDEST. sheesh#if you've paid attention that was my inner bdubs coming out#carime rambles#oh that does Not mean I don't steal others' way of speaking though not at all. i constantly say 'cute' the way scott says it#but bdubs and skizzle man... (hehe get it. skizzle man. skizzleman)#anyway#even the way i say 'yes' is DIRECTLY inspired by bdubs I'll have you know! DIRECTLY!! it sounds nonsensical I know but Trust me.#i wouldn't normally just say 'yes' at a request. I say sure or yeah or go ahead. and when i say yes before smth else... yes. bdubs insp. 💯%#lmao didnt even notice i did it here too. the yes thing. whatever. bdubs you have GAINED CONTROL OF MY VOCABULARY YOU
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I have no idea how well this will show up but it occurred to me that I never shared my custom shrug emojis I made just because 'shrug emoji' wormed its way into my spoken vernacular. How? Ill never know.
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crazy how every cult ever is actually exactly the same inside
#every single time i watch a doc or read an article or memoir or listen to an interview etc#i walk away like ‘this is my exact lived experience’#it doesn’t matter what the religion or spirituality or political affiliation the group follows#at the core they’re all the same bc the goal is always mindless devotion to the cause#(achieved through keeping members exhausted and terrorized)#+ total control over the members#(achieved through isolation from the outside world and some version of collateral and the practice of shunning)#it’s so wild like if you’ve never been in/close to cults it’s hard to get it#but once you understand it you can pick them out immediately bc#the only differences are aesthetics + vocabularies
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I forgot the word for "birth control" and instead said "anti-depressants"...
#i think this says more about me as a person than my vocabulary#but still...#antidepressants#depression#birth control#brain fart#lgbtqia#child free#mood
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i got 95 and above for the final grades of all my subjects this semester except for my native language subject which is just 90 so my average is just 95.3 😔
#i cannot control my grade for native language subject i know this 😔#its not like i can get my mom and dad's vocabulary in filipino overnight and i'm not committed enough to study for it everyday
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#i fucking hate that 10 yr old who wanted to read stephen king post#because for one i read king at 10 and it wasnt out of my fucking range#but two adults did that manipulative fakeass choice shit to me allllll the time#like i didnt know it was fucking propoganda and them trying to quietly control me#and a good fucking librarian would have sent the kid home w both#one for socializing with people his age and one to expand his fucking vocabulary#children arent dogs to train#read it for 15 minutes how about you hold your fucking breath for 15 minutes and fuck off
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are you "adornopilled" or do you have post-enlightenment moral ocd
#cro zone#suuuuch a tumblrina type post to make. not a real world issue im sure#and like i know its tumblr but like.#you guys really need to get critical thinking machines out and stop repeating vocabulary your well-read blogger of choice used this week#bc the issue with fascism isnt how you slam a car door. just like the issue with addiction isnt that lots of people rely on caffeine#its almost pathologizing how only the shallow surface symptoms of life seem to matter on here#and sure in an atomized world it may seem thats all you can control#but fascism is combatted by breaking out of that pattern and reaching for the root#not by changing how you close a car door or removing any potentially addicting substance from your diet#do not be sold individual solutions to societal problems!!!!
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#tag talk#learning language just makes my brain vibrate on just the right frequency#my goal for the rest of this year and the year coming is to get really good at Spanish#between Language Transfer (really fucking good go check it out thanks to my sibling recommending it to me) and then#then all the immersion I've been doing with music and TV#I feel like I stand a chance of getting genuinely good at it#I have this dream of knowing several other languages but I need to start by developing the skill with a language I'm already familiar with#and now I'm medicated I can finally push for like.. an actual goal and achievement#this feels like an extension of my obsession with communication.#which now that I think about it. a lot of things I love have a strong communication aspect to them.#music. fashion. art. they all communicate ideas.#that's even maybe what I like about porn. it's a work that's designed to communicate a very specific feeling and idea#and kink is an expression of power and trust. control and release. poetry.#do these tags read like the ramblings of a mad man? am I just throwing darts at a wall and connecting them with red string?#maybe I am crazy. but I'm not wrong. I'm autistic I'm incapable of believing I'm wrong.#is that joke in poor taste? probably.#anyway. I love communication and learning Spanish is my gateway to an entire world of ideas embedded in the structure of language itself#plus it would probably help my ability to keep up with my brother's dreams of traveling abroad#and I could help him learn languages cause I love teaching and he's not as hardwired for it as I am.#oh also I bought a vocabulary book to work through because language transfer is teaching me the grammar and structure#but I need vocabulary to back it up#I have a small work vocabulary I use with the customers who don't speak English very well. shit like “this. it works?”#but even like. idk. I'm really good at understanding people with difficult speech.#one resident at my nursing home had severe muscle degeneration and couldn't do much outside of vague flopping#but she would still try to speak and I got pretty good at understanding her and having conversations while feeding her.#she was in the navy and ate a bunch of neat food in Korea and she's the reason I finally watched Jaws for the first time#and like.. my ability to understand is what let her influence my life like that. I got to connect with another human being.#like. it's a gift that enhances my life and I want to choose to shape my life around this gift.#my love and obsession with communication is something I've had my whole life and if is something constant I need to consider it#so many other things in my life are shifting and uncertain. I want to chase the constant source of joy that's a part of who I am.
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