#contrary to popular belief neither of them sat down to justify evil they were both trying to derive ethics from reason yk

[roxannepolice]

Just one of those things I just need to yell out so my executive functions work but make a separate post because I'm already getting blocked for my hot takes...

Are Doctor and Master trying to change each other? Oh, lately it's been framed as this, sure, but are they really? Or are they just trying to convince each other that when you get right down to the bottom of it, what the other wants is the same that they want, the other just hasn't realised this yet, but surely with a mind like that they'll arrive at it eventually, because it's the only rational conclusion?

[loopyhoopywrites]

Departments and Dragons

Months ago, @kindaresilient mentioned wanting more Malec Office/Corporate AUs. This is 100% not what you asked for, but I hope you like it anyway, because you deserve all the nice things. The setting is completely stolen from The Portable Door by Tom Holt, so don’t blame me if it makes zero sense.

Read on AO3.

Contrary to popular belief, Alec’s job as head of Pest Control was 90% paperwork.

Also contrary to popular belief, paperwork was the part of his job Alec enjoyed the most. There was a strange sort of thrill that came from correctly filling out a QW-1627M form for the acquisition of an eighteenth century lance, or finding the perfect wording for his post-business trip report justifying the use of noxious gas in a public area, or signing his name on an eviction warrant so airtight the stock markets would be safe for the next thousand years. To everyone else, the never-ending paperwork was a necessary evil. To Alec, it was quiet, orderly, and the sort of mental challenge that kept his mind as sharp as the weaponry he’d just successfully obtained.

The other 10% of his job was a wholly different sort of challenge.

“The dragon give you trouble?”

“No.” Alec replied, face blank as he stood smouldering in the foyer. “The dragon was fine. Her mate wasn’t too happy with me though.”

Safely behind the reception desk, Maia winced, but Alec wasn’t finished.

“Neither were their six children.”

Maia’s eyebrows shot up, and her hands flew to cover her mouth. Her shock would have been more convincing had Alec not been able to hear her sniggers from the other side of the room.

“That would explain the…”

“Dragon guts?” Alec provided in response to the hand waved in his general direction. A large glob of green slime detached itself from his elbow and oozed its way to the floor. The rest stayed stubbornly attached to his body.

“Gross.”

Alec shrugged, then immediately regretted it as the movement caused a string of slime that had been nestled in his hair to fall into his ear. Gritting his teeth, he closed his eyes, and breathed.

“Tell the bank to expect an invoice within the next few days.” He said, without opening his eyes. “And tell them I’m charging them triple.”

“Triple? Isn’t that a little harsh?”

“Six. Baby. Dragons.” Alec hissed, eyes snapping open. Usually, he would consider himself a fairly patient person. He had to be, working for this company, but right now he’d just spent five hours removing a family of very angry dragons from a pile of money they’d claimed as their hoard but the bank was pretty keen to have back, he was covered in the remains of said dragons, and he was fairly sure his favourite leather jacket was still on fire.

“Triple it is.” Maia said quickly, giving Alec a double thumbs up and then wondering why she’d thought that would be a good idea. Alec just rolled his eyes.

“I’m going to shower.” He said. “And then-”

“Paperwork.” Maia chorused along with him, laughing as Alec glared at her. “You’re nothing if not predictable, Lightwood. Now go, you’re scaring off our clients.”

Grumbling, Alec did as he was told, leaving a trail of green ooze behind him as he made his way to the elevators. Maia scrunched up her nose in disgust, turning back to her computer to fire off an email to the cleaning crew, when something suddenly occurred to her.

“Alec!” She called, spinning back around just in time to see the elevator doors close. For a moment she considered calling Alec’s mobile, but by the time she’d dialled the number he’d be stepping into his office, and it would be too late.

Nothing I can do about it now, she thought as she returned to her emails, although what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall.

                                                        * * * * *

 Alec stepped into his office with a sigh, dropping his still smoking jacket into the incinerator by the door and making a mental note to add it to his expenses. His shirt quickly followed, and Alec made a half-hearted attempt to wipe off the globs of slime that had somehow soaked through his layers before giving up and reaching for the zipper of his jeans.

“Maybe save that for our second date, daring.”

Alec jumped, instinct taking over as he grabbed his sword out of the umbrella stand and spun to face the intruder. A man was sat in the high-backed chair behind his desk, raising both his arms and an eyebrow as he took in the sight of Alec; half naked and dripping with foul-smelling ooze. Alec stared back, wondering what he’d managed to do to piss off the universe this badly.

Because the man was gorgeous. Alec was suddenly all too aware of his own appearance, and briefly wondered if it was too late to run and hide in the bathroom. Any inclination to flee was quickly overtaken though, by thoughts that were significantly more important. Like I wonder if he likes Italian food or how soon is too soon to ask him on a date or, most importantly, does his lipstick taste as good as it looks? He didn’t say any of that aloud, however.

What he actually said instead was,

“Who the hell are you?”

“Magnus Bane.” The man said, seemingly unoffended by Alec’s tone as he stood, rounding the desk and stopping a safe distance away. “I’d shake your hand, but, well.”

“Dragons.” Alec explained automatically, running a hand through his hair without thinking. A small stream of slime seemed to object to this, and decided to slide its way into his eye.

“What are you doing in my office?” Asked Alec, trying to subtly blink the slime from his eye without crying. He wasn’t convinced he was successful.

“I was informed we had a meeting arranged.” Magnus replied, ignoring the fact the Alec’s idea of subtlety looked a little like having a seizure, “That is, assuming you are Alexander Lightwood, head of the Pest Control department?”

“I, um, yes?”

Silently, Alec groaned, and gave himself a mental slap around the head.

“Yes.” He repeated, managing not to make it sound like a question this time, “Although everyone calls me Alec.”

“Pleasure.” Magnus replied, “I’ve been told we’ll be working together rather frequently, and I can’t say I’m disappointed.”

“Right.” Said Alec, confused about a) why they would be working together, and b) the fact that Magnus appeared to be flirting with him. Quickly dismissing the second point, he decided to focus on clearing up the first.

“What exactly do you do around here?”

“My apologies,” Magnus said, “I’m the new head of PR.”

“Oh.” Said Alec, “That’s… nice.”

Alec had never been a fan of the PR department. He couldn’t deny the need for it, goodness knows how much terror would erupt if it was up to Alec’s people skills to tactfully inform a bank manager that a dragon had adopted their vaults as its new hoard, but interactions with PR always made Alec slightly uncomfortable. The department’s main income came from its clients; more money than sense celebrities wanting glamours that would make them appear more charismatic, more intelligent, more beautiful, or all three. Usually the latter. Those who worked at PR were experts at illusion magic, and consequently Alec could never trust that was he was seeing was actually the truth.

In Magnus’ case though, he couldn’t quite bring himself to mind.

“As much as I’m enjoying the view,” Magnus said, finally realising Alec didn’t plan on expanding his earlier comment, “I suspect you’re enjoying this whole situation rather less than I am. Shall I suggest we rearrange this meeting to a time more suitable?”

“I- yeah.” Alec stammered, having somehow forgotten his state of undress, “I’m free tomorrow morning, if that works for you?” He suggested, before a fit of confidence had him adding, “We could go out for coffee?”

“I love coffee.” Magnus replied, smiling, “There’s a place on the corner I’ve been dying to try. Shall we say nine?”

Alec nodded, and Magnus’ smile grew even wider.

“In that case, darling, I shall see you tomorrow.”

Magnus nodded a goodbye, and headed for the door. Alec watched him leave, waiting until he’d disappeared down the corridor before giving in and burying his head in his still ooze-covered hands.

“Oh, and Alexander?”

Alec’s head snapped back up, finding Magnus grinning as he peered around Alec’s doorway.

“Feel free to forgo the shirt again tomorrow.”

A wink, and Magnus was gone. Alec waited, but his doorway remained empty, leaving Alec with nothing but flushed cheeks and the conviction that yes.

Magnus had definitely been flirting with him.