#constantly tried to talk about sex or illegal things in front of my mom

[x-rds]

That post about huge red flags from exes is going around and I’m like well mine requires some background reading

[keanureevesisbae]

Coach Cavill - Chapter 7

Summary: Amelia is about to go on her first date with coach Cavill

Coach!Henry Cavill x Amelia Jung (Asian ofc)

Wordcount: 3.3k

Warnings: None

A/N: To celebrate the fact that I am done with school for a while, I thought I’d post (part one of) their date with you! I hope you like it 💕 please let me know if you want to be on the taglist!

Masterlist // Previous chapter // Next chapter

Within an hour I had to dress up to look splendid that Friday, because I didn’t want Dean to see how beautiful I was going to look. Maybe the stress dressing up under sixty minutes also had to do with the poor state of my planning today, but we are simply going to ignore that.

The entire week I have been looking forward to this. During the training yesterday, Henry kept stealing glances from me, after he made me a wonderful cup of cappuccino. It’s weird really, how head over heels I’m becoming, in just a matter of a little more than a week.

While everything Dean was exciting and somehow terrifying, since he was mysterious and a little hard to get, this instant connection I have with Henry feels so safe and familiar. I can’t stop thinking about him, to a point where Ricky, Annabelle and the rest of the little ones in my class kept asking me if I was doing okay. However, they figured out pretty soon I was a bit in love and now they continue to make kissy sounds during the day.

‘You look fucking hot,’ Eve says, as she brushes through my hair. ‘Lucky mister Henry Cavill.’

‘Is it too much?’ I ask, as I smooth down my tight dark blue dress, that Isabella insisted on me wearing and it’s a good fit: I mean, it accentuates the few curves I have. I look down at the matching high heels and sigh deeply. ‘It’s too much,’ I conclude.

‘No, honey, it’s not too much. You look beautiful and I know that Henry will think so too. Besides, he is already smitten with you, so I don’t think you have anything to worry about.’

I let out a sigh again. ‘It’s just that I’m nervous. How long has it been since I had my last first date?’

‘When you were nineteen,’ Eve answers my rhetorical question. ‘I know that, but that went well too and since Henry is an absolute angel, this date will go without a hitch, I can guarentee. And besides, you have done things much more terrifying than this. You went to South Korea, debuted in a girl group. A full one eighty in career choices when you got here, went on a date with the mysterious hottie Dean, somehow made that work. Plus, you were a total bad ass and gave birth to Isabella on your own, who was breeched.’

I roll my eyes. ‘I highly doubt you can compare giving birth to a first date.’

‘What I want to make clear to you, is that you are fierce and awesome and Henry knows that too.’ Eve and I both yelp when the doorbell rings. ‘Your future husband is here.’

‘Shut up,’ I say, as we walk down the stairs. She stuffs something in my clutch and hands it to me. ‘What on earth did you put in here?’ I hiss, as I grab my coat from the rack.

‘A condom.’

I halt all my movements. ‘You did what?’

‘Better to be safe than sorry.’

Before I can tell her off and that I’m really not going to have sex with Henry on the first date, she pushes me to the door and I quickly put on my coat, before I open the door.

I’m hit with the realization that I’m going on a date with the most beautiful man on this planet. He looks illegally handsome, with his nice suit jacket hanging open, that matches with his black pants. He is wearing a white blouse, nicely tucked into his pants and the tease has the two top buttons open and the sight of his chest (and the chest hair) is making my mouth dry.

‘Wow,’ he says with a beautiful smile, ‘you look beautiful, Amelia.’

This is going to kill me. How am I supposed to survive this entire night? ‘It’s not too much?’ I ask, just to be sure and first date jitters taking the upper hand.

He shakes his head. ‘This is exactly right.’

I turn to Eve, who is holding in a squeal. After being friends with her for so long, I know every facial expression. ‘Only call me if it is a matter of life or death,’ I tell her.

‘Have I ever called you when it was not important?’ I cock an eyebrow and she nods. ‘Right, I have done that before. I’m sorry. Won’t do it tonight, promise.’

‘Very good. Please, don’t wait up and don’t sit on the front porch with the twins, because I know you three want to do that.’

Eve slaps me on my ass, before I step out of the house and I sincerely hope that Henry hasn’t seen that. From the looks of it seems like he hasn’t seen that, but maybe he is just polite and doesn’t show me he has seen it. ‘Don’t look back,’ I tell Henry, as we walk towards his truck. ‘She’ll embarrass either one of us if we do so.’

Henry can’t help but laugh and he opens the door of his truck. ‘Do I have to give you a boost or can you manage?’

‘Oh shut up,’ I chuckle as I get in the car, after I took his hand. ‘Because I’m short, I have developed cat woman like skills. You should see me in the classroom, when I have to grab something from the top shelf.’

‘I’ll believe that right away.’ He closes the door and I wave to Eve, who nods approvingly and gestures something about how firm his butt looks. I mean, I can only agree to that, but once again, sure as hell hope he hasn’t seen any of that.

Henry gets in the truck and before he puts the key in the ignition, he looks to the side, meeting my eyes. ‘What?’ I ask him.

‘You look breathtaking,’ he whispers, almost as if he doesn’t want me to hear this compliment.

I’m at a loss for words. ‘Oh,’ I manage to choke out. ‘Thanks…’

He clears his throat. ‘I’m just a little nervous.’

‘What? Why? If someone should be nervous, it’s me. One, I’m going on a date with you and two, my last first date was sixteen years ago.’

He chuckles, but he sounds really nervous. ‘Well, mine might’ve not been that long ago… But I have never been on a date with someone like you.’

‘Do you mean that in a good way or…?’

Henry’s eyes widen. ‘In a good way, of course,’ he hastily says. ‘It’s more that you are way out of my league.’

What? ‘I think I was hallucinating. What?’

‘I mean, have you even seen yourself? You are admirable, in any way.’

Is this how it feels when your heart not only is figuratively melting, but also literally? ‘Oh.’

‘You are truly one of a kind, Amelia and I sure hope I meet up to what you deserve.’

Okay, I’m officially blanking. What are words?

Henry smiles and starts the car. ‘I hope you like the place I booked. I heard some pretty good things about it.’

✰ ✰ ✰

Leave it to Henry fucking Cavill to not only book a spot at my favorite restaurant here in town, but also to have a secluded spot that I didn’t know was here. We sit on the patio, a heater pointed at us to keep us warm, as we look over the lake. We are surrounded by romantic Christmas lights, as we sit next to each other on the soft couch. His arm is resting on the back, his thumb softly drawing circles on my shoulder.

He hands me a glass of wine and I can’t help but melt a bit against his frame. ‘You did amazing,’ I say. ‘I really like this spot. I never even knew it was here. How did you discover this?’

‘I might’ve had some help from Greg.’

‘Convenient store Greg?’ I ask. ‘You two becoming friends?’

‘Yeah, I’m there quite a lot. He sometimes watches Kal when I’m not home for too long of a time. Annabelle constantly tells him that she loves Kal, so that’s a plus.’

‘Annabelle is in my class,’ I say. ‘A true angel. A cheeky one, but she is such a delight to have in class.’

Henry smiles, taking a sip of his wine. We’re still waiting for our food to arrive, but the wine will do just fine for now. ‘It’s quite the one eighty, to go from a K-Pop idol to a kindergarten teacher.’

‘Oh, you have no idea,’ I chuckle. ‘It was so weird, to go from that hectic world, fans screaming your name, photoshoot here, there, dance practice and just never not busy, back to Luna Meadows, where every second seems to tick at least three times. I had to spend three months in the barn in the back of my parents yard, to simply talk with Eve and Johnny, getting used to this pace again. It was nice to be back here though, since this will always be my home.’

He nods. ‘So, you come back to Luna Meadows when you were eighteen, go back to college and…’

‘And I met Dean, when I was nineteen, was twenty one when I had Benji, somehow got my degree and after I graduated, I married Dean.’

‘Wow,’ he says. ‘That is top tier multitasking.’

‘That’s what I thought so,’ I chuckle, taking a sip of my wine. ‘It was really important for me to finish college, because, I wanted to be able to provide for myself and even after I graduated, I worked three days a week. I’m not equipped to be a full-time house wife. I tried that for two months and then I became mad.’

Henry laughs. ‘And now you work full-time.’

‘I do, indeed. It’s the only way I can continue to pay for the house. I don’t want to move away from Eve and her baby sit service.’

He nods in agreement. ‘You are very lucky to have friends that care so much and do so much for you.’

‘I sure am,’ I say with a smile. I take another sip, before I ask: ‘What about you? Why did you leave Jersey to move here?’

‘I was a judo coach there and worked in a cafe. However, some family stuff happened and I had to get out of there.’ Henry clears his throat and shakes his head. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘No, no, you don’t want to talk about it, I totally understand it. Just, tell me how you got into judo then.’ I turn a bit to the side and oh my, I can feel his strong body against mine, but weirdly enough it doesn’t make me nervous anymore.

‘Oh, that was something me and my grandpa had together. All of my brothers were into team sports, like lacrosse, football and rugby.’

My eyes widen. ‘You have brothers?’

‘Mhm, four,’ he says.

‘Your mom had five kids?’ I ask him.

He can’t stop his laugh. ‘She did.’

‘Mad respect,’ I say. ‘I don’t want to be too TMI, but I had to recover six years after I had Benji before I even thought about adding another one. Not the point, Amelia,’ I quickly realize letting out a soft chuckle. ‘Your brothers were into team sports.’

Henry nods, a smile evident on his lips. ‘My entire family was obsessed with everything team sport related, including us as a family. I liked to do things solo, just like my granddad and that’s how judo became our thing. My family supported me and judo, of course, but… I knew they didn’t really like the sport as much as my granddad and I liked it. When I was twenty, I was actually doing pretty well. Competing in national tournaments, even some international ones.’

I frown. ‘Why do I feel a however coming up?’ I ask him.

He snickers. ‘However, I broke my leg in three places when I was in the gym.’

‘Oh no,’ I say, as I shiver.

‘Yeah, it was pretty bad,’ he chuckles. ‘But judo was my life and I couldn’t just let it go, so I started to work as a trainer and coach, but I didn’t make enough money to provide for myself, so I also worked in a cafe.’

I nod. ‘And why did you choose Luna Meadows?’

He shrugs. ‘It just felt right. And that’s where I met the most amazing judoka I have ever seen. Benji is miles ahead of not only everyone here, but also to everyone I have ever encountered.’

‘Including you?’

‘Including me,’ he laughs. ‘He is amazing.’

‘That’s because he has some judo genes from his amazing mother,’ I chuckle, as I throw my hair over my shoulder. ‘I was quite something back in the days.’

He chuckles. ‘So, what does Isabella do?’

‘She is in a drama club. When she was younger, she would force Benji, Yara, Jake and Lola to be side characters in a play she made up, where she was the main character. She is overly dramatic and I figured that I would do the other kids a favor if I would put her in a drama club. Yara and she go every Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday after school with Eve.’

‘It must be amazing to have a friend this close living to you.’

‘It does,’ I say, as I stare at my wine. ‘Made the whole divorce thing a whole lot better to handle.’

‘I imagine. Divorce is never easy.’

‘Experience or…?’ I carefully ask.

‘I was married,’ he says, ‘but the second we said ‘I do’, it was already a lost cause, really. Actually, we never really fit together.’

I take a sip of my wine, but I place my other hand on his strong leg. Normally I wouldn’t be this forward, but it feels so warm and comfortable. ‘Is she part of the reason that you had to leave Jersey?’

He shakes his head. ‘No, we were married from my twenty fifth to my twenty seventh.’

Okay, he doesn’t want to continue to talk about it and for some reason I can’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth. ‘You know, I never thought I’d go on a date again.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because everyone in this town knows that I got divorced and everyone had an opinion about it,’ I whisper. ‘You know, I wasn’t exactly the most loved. A lot of them thought it was my fault that Dean started to see someone else. I wasn’t a good enough wife, who didn’t love her husband enough.’

When I look up, I see that Henry has clenched his jaw, before taking a sip of his wine. ‘That’s bullshit.’

‘I know,’ I say mostly out of disbelieve. ‘But good things happen to good people and now I met you.’

‘Moving to Luna Meadows was a good move on my behalf.’

Our pasta arrives and I sit up a bit straighter. ‘This looks delicious,’ I say, twirling around my fork, to twist the spaghetti around it. ‘Henry Cavill, you sure know how to swoop a woman off her feet.’

Henry smiles, taking a bite of his pasta. It’s different than mine, but it looks delicious. I can see him ogling my plate as well and I guess the grass is indeed greener on the other side. ‘Here,’ I say, with a fork full of pasta. I hold it above my other hand, so I won’t spill something on any of us. I now realize that it might be weird to feed a grown man on our first date, but I can’t go back now.

‘You’re a natural,’ he chuckles, before taking a bite. ‘Oh, yours is really good. Want a bite of mine?’

‘Sure,’ I say with a blush creeping up on my cheeks. He is a little clumsy, but somehow manages to bring the fork to my lips, without it spilling on my dress. With his thumb he wipes the corner of my mouth clean. ‘Am I tasting some cinnamon?’

‘That was what I was thinking,’ he says. ‘I would never put cinnamon in my pasta, but it is really tasty and it actually works.’

‘I once accidentally added honey to the chicken and somehow it turned out to be pretty okay.’

‘Yeah, Benji told me you weren’t a great cook.’

I hide my face in my hands. ‘I may have burned quite a few meals in my kitchen. One time, for Thanksgiving, I attempted to cook for Eve and Johnny, because they were having a bit of a rough time, with Lola being admitted into the hospital and all. However, I burned the entire meal, the kitchen was filled with smoke and I had a complete meltdown. Isabella called my parents and somehow my mom saved the day.’

Henry’s shoulder shake as he laughs. ‘That would be quite the sight.’

‘Oh, it was terrible. Can you imagine if I was a full time housewife? I think I’d have the fire department on speed dial.’

I want to add something to this (believe me, I have tons of stories of me nearly burning down my place), but my phone starts to ring and I quickly open my clutch to check the screen.

It’s Eve.

Part of me doesn’t want to take it, but I know that she took her promise serious. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I say.

‘Please, take it,’ Henry encourages me, when he sees me hesitating.

I pick up and say: ‘Eve, this better be very important.’ However I don’t hear her voice, but I hear Benji yelling in the background and that is something I barely understand. ‘What’s wrong? Is everything okay?’

‘I have no idea,’ Eve manages to say. ‘Isabella is just sitting in the corner of your living room, not speaking at all.’ That can’t be good. ‘Benji is on the edge of losing it, but I feel like he is too much in a rage to listen to any of us and Dean is outside, trying to let himself in, but we locked the door. I’m really sorry to interrupt your date, but I feel like both of your kids need you right now.’

My heart sinks. ‘Oh no,’ I mumble. ‘I’m coming back.’

‘I hate dad,’ I hear Benji yell in the background. ‘I fucking hate him.’

‘Benji, please stop it!’ Lola pleads.

‘This is not working, man,’ Jake adds.

‘Mom, Isabella is crying,’ Yara says.

I hang up, shaking my head. ‘I’m so sorry, Henry, I have to get back. Something is really wrong and according to Eve, Benji is really close to losing it completely and Isabella is not talking, Dean is outside of my house…’

‘I heard it,’ he says, already standing up, holding up my coat. ‘Let me get you home.’

[onisiondrama]

Killstream w/ Onision 3/30/2020 - Summary Part 1

Re-Upload

(Unless specifically stated, everything written is from Greg / James’ words. Parenthesis are my notes/thoughts.):

Greg / James asks what the host’s relation to him online is. Host says none really. Host says he talked about Greg on stream a few times. (Host doesn’t introduce himself so Idk what to call him.)

Greg asks if host thought the Kombucha video was real. Host says no, they played it on the show. Greg says Hansen thought it was real. Says there is a video of Hansen at his house realizing it was all bullshit. (Why would he show up to your house if he thought those videos were real when the plot line had you divorced and homeless at that point?)

Greg says grooming is only when you get someone to do something illegal. Says someone on his discord told him that.

Sarah said her mom beat her, so they brought her in their home. She thought something was going to happen and Greg had to get in through her head it wasn’t. Kai was dating Billie. Sarah got so upset when she saw Kai and Billie kissing in a theater that Greg had to pull her aside and tell her she's part of the house, but not part of the relationship. He wanted her to still feel included, but know there’s no future for her.

When she found out nothing’s going to happen, she sent a text saying if Greg found out how she felt, she’d be kicked out. He says he only found out about this later on down the line. 

He was mean to her, like Meg Griffin. Someone jokes “treat them like dirt, they’ll stick to you like mud.” Everyone laughs, but Greg. He says no.

He says one time she asked him to c-m in her when she was 18 1/2, but he was upset because the relationship wasn’t supposed to be just himself and Sarah. He didn’t want to have babies with her. (He just jumped right into that. I swear I didn’t skip anything.)

She said she’s only going to sign an NDA if they fuck her. He can’t believe they were put in this situation.

Sarah was pushing so hard to get with Kai. It’s hard because she was constantly trying to “UwU” Kai and Billie left a gap when she left. Greg stopped treating Sarah like shit because she was an adult. She knows she have a chance now she’s an adult and has shown loyalty. He was trying to find someone to make Kai happy.

He told Sarah there was no potential for her to be with himself if Kai doesn’t want her. Greg says Sarah kept trying to kiss Kai and one day when she was 18 1/2, she planted a kiss. Kai jumps back and made a weird face. Sarah says “fuck”. (He’s skipping the part where he told Sarah to kiss Kai. He admitted to this in one of his 30+ rambling videos from January.) Someone asks if Sarah was thinking about that kiss since before she turned 18. Greg says he doesn’t know. (He just said before she wanted to be part of the relationship since she was 16. He even acknowledged this publicly back then.)

Kai tweets about Grey from Grey’s anatomy being hot and Sarah was upset, like Kai was cheating. Sarah and Kai have a falling out.

Ayalla comes out and says they groomed Sarah. At that point the only thing that happened was Sarah planted a kiss on Kai. Greg asks Sarah to make a video and to be honest. After he saw the video she made, he realized how much she liked Kai. She would say people that trashed Kai were terrible people.

He says Sarah tells them she was raped by a black man. Greg’s hero complex takes over and he wanted to help. She flew back out and she proposed an actual relationship.

Greg says he told Sarah when she was 17 he was shitty to her because he wanted her to stay away from him. Late 2018. They were more chill after that, but he didn’t want to explore the idea of a relationship until Kai approved. It was a mess because Kai didn’t feel like it was appropriate.

Greg says at this point she hadn’t lived with them for a while. She lived in her own state, had her own car, job, etc.

Greg hates that he works constantly and Kai doesn’t have someone to spend time with. (I hate this excuse so much. If that was the case why does he always get involved in the relationships?)

He says Sarah put her mouth on Kai’s genital region the first time. The second time, Sarah shoved her boob in Kai’s mouth. Kai said he tried not to vomit. Kai laid there and did nothing both times except kiss. (He’s not mentioning he was also part of these incidents.) Kai was upset and teary. It was horrible for Kai so it’s whack when people make fun of him for crying. He’s the one that suffered. Greg says it’s not going to work and Sarah went back to her life. 

He says there’s a leaked text of him arguing about virginity. He says he was talking about vaginal and mouth virginity. He says it was stupid. He told Kai he took her mouth virginity ? He felt bad for Sarah and was telling Kai he wasn’t being fair to her.

He comes up with idea where he can be with Sarah while Kai figured out if he wants to be part of the relationship. Sarah was cool with it and Kai told them 7 days only. If it doesn’t work out, they’ll all move on. They lasted 2 days. After the cum inside me thing, he couldn’t handle it.

They saw Aladdin together and she kept looking up at him like she wanted to make out. He was really irritated. She was guilt tripping him for not making out with him. This combined with the c-m thing, he realized Sarah doesn’t give a shit about Kai. Otherwise she wouldn’t be so desperate for his attention.

She accused him of using him for sex. He asks then why would he only be with her for 2 days when they had 5 more?

They weren’t allowed to have vaginal stuff. He weaseled around it by having his hand in front of his junk. Says if you give him an inch, he will find a way to manipulate it.

Greg says the only instance of anything underage was when he was with Kai when he was 17, but Kai was able to consent because of their state laws. (Shiloh was also 17.)

The police showed up with Shiloh because they thought they were making porn in their hotel room. He was just a Youtuber with a tripod. The police looked through his laptop and said he was fine. He thinks this Hansen doesn’t want to talk to him because Greg has a huge history of not breaking the law.

The host asks about the hand thing. (Greg goes into detail. I don’t want to write about that, sorry.)

Later on when Sarah was at the airport, she was crying saying she just wanted a boyfriend. He asks, if she just wanted a boyfriend, what the fuck was she doing? She didn’t have it through her head she would be dating two people. (I don’t understand this argument. They both would have been her boyfriend, no?)

Someone asks if Greg has time for a job with all this relationship stuff. Greg says he’s a Youtuber so he makes his own hours. (So he can make time for thirds, but not Kai?)

Greg says Sarah turned the relationship into being with one person instead of the other and tried to get pregnant.

When Sarah was at the house they’d hand out together, talk about memes, group wrestle. He would take them both on, but win every time.

Greg says he doesn’t want to be with anyone under 25 now. (What happened to his I only want to be with sex dolls plan? Does he have his eye on someone?)

Greg says he criticized people with BPD and Sarah lost her mind. Greg says he thought he had BPD before, but you have to be diagnosed. He says Sarah was diagnosed twice, but was underage. Her symptoms freaks her out. He asked her to give him a baby and she made a gremlin face while holing the baby.

Someone asks how she got the baby. He said she would help out a lot. He says before she was 18 she would do everything she can to win them over, but nothing was going to happen. He wasn’t interested in it because she was underage.

After he said he was done with stoners and people with BPD, she made a tell all livestream.

She blackmailed them into having sex with the NPA, so he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to talk publicly about it. The host asks about the blackmail. Greg says she told them she could destroy their lives. The host says he can’t imagine how. Greg says that’s why he didn’t take it seriously and it was a “ha ha” thing at the time. Greg says he had a Patreon member who visited and some of his friend sign an NDAs. He wished he made one with Cyr so they wouldn’t attack each other publicly. They could still be friends. That taught him to have his friends sign NDAs. The host makes fun of the NDAs and Greg says it’s common for celebrities to have people sign sex contracts to prove it was consensual in court.

When he asked Sarah to sign the NDA, she said only if she gets what she wants, implying sex. At the time he thought it was kinky. They warmed up to each other because everything that happened that day and the vibe was good. (Did he just admit it wasn’t blackmail then?)

Way down the line he slept in his garage because he was afraid she was going to kill him because people with BPD give off a certain vibe when you piss them off. They go from extreme love and hate.

Says he went through that with Shiloh a lot. She would have mental breakdowns and he would have to call the cops. She wouldn’t leave him alone in his room and body slammed the door. She kept bashing it open. It was hard for him to hold it closed because she was 180 lbs and 5′ 0″.

[darkpoisonouslove]

Hi! Valtor×Griffin highschool!AU headcanons if you don't mind. I think It would be pretty interesting🤭

This took some time because finals left me unable to use my poor fried brain. But I’m recovering so let’s do this!

I was thinking of keeping magic in this but then I thought that it will be more interesting, actually, if they were ordinary people who didn’t have magic. They’re high school seniors.

Warning for mentions of parental abuse and sex.

- Griffin is sort of an outcast. She’s friends with Ediltrude and Zarathustra but mostly everyone else hates her, and the ones who don’t are simply dismissive of her. She’s a straight A student and teachers like her despite her outspoken attitude and tendency to contradict authority which definitely does not help her likability. She pretends not to care but it does bother her. Not that she’d ever admit it.

- Valtor is the playboy of the school. All the girls are sighing after him except for Griffin, Ediltrude and Zarathustra (Ediltrude had a brief thing with him but that’s what it was - brief; she’s over him (not that there was anything to get over except for hurt pride)). He is also a good student but a bit of a troublemaker too. However, for some reason the teachers don’t really like him. And you’d think that his mothers being so powerful and scary would save him the trouble with the teachers but it doesn’t. His mothers are eager to know when he misbehaves so that they can have reasons to punish him. So he’s doing his best to stay out of trouble and have good grades.

- Griffin and Valtor are partnered together for the project they need to do in their Biology class which they’re in together. This isn’t exactly the best news for Valtor because out of all the girls, Griffin is the only one he can’t charm with his words. He’s watched her remain completely impassive and serious during all the lessons, even when other people were laughing at things that were very sexual. She must be a robot so charm won’t help there. But luckily for him, there’s another angle he can exploit. He knows she’ll want an A and won’t fail just because he refuses to help. So she’ll do his work for him. (He’s usually not one to wait for others to get his job done but he has so much shit on his head that another assignment will be the death of him.)

- However, in the day when they have to present their project, it turns out that Griffin hasn’t done anything and they get an F. Valtor is furious and drags Griffin outside when class is done to argue with her. She tells him that he can’t have expected her to do his work for him. It’s a partnership because they have to partner each other. Valtor basically growls at her but agrees to work with her this time so that they can fix the mess because they both want a good grade. And the teacher is willing to give them another chance. Just because of Griffin, Valtor knows, but because it works in his favor, he’s not complaining.

- Valtor shows up unannounced at Griffin’s doorstep. She gets angry, of course, because this is violation of her privacy, not to mention probably illegal since who knows how he got her address but when he reminds her that they can’t fail again. she lets him inside so that they can start working on their project that is about how lizards survive and adapt to their environment (Valtor’s idea and she went with it because she didn’t want to argue even though she’s not big on animals and would’ve preferred to do a project about plants.)

- Valtor doesn’t miss any chance to make a terrible joke or innuendo, though. Griffin: What are you, ten?Valtor: Oh, yes, I’m definitely a ten.Griffin: Should’ve chosen another number.Valtor: Then I’d say “No, but I’m definitely a ten.”Griffin: *shakes her head* You’re terrible.That suddenly has Valtor shut up and retreat in himself and Griffin feels bad and reaches out to put a hand on his shoulder and comfort him but he recoils with a terrified look in his eyes and the pieces click for her. He’s being abused. That’s why he was so mad for the F. His mothers must punish him for bad grades.

- Valtor figures out that she figured it out and asks her to just stay out of it. He says that he’s not a victim and he doesn’t want anyone treating him like he’s one and he asks her to just help him get through this assignment and then he’ll be out of her way. That’s not what Griffin wants anymore but she agrees because what she wants is to help him. And making sure he doesn’t get punished because of his grade is a good start.

- They do the project and fix their grades. And Valtor tries to stay away from her but he can’t. She’s the only one who knows so she’s the only one who can even begin to understand. And she seems to be helping him and standing up for him whenever he gets in trouble with one of the teachers and he finds himself feeling more and more gratitude even when he tries to push it out of his heart. Feelings only lead to hurt but he can’t stay impartial to the fact that she seems to care.

- So when his mothers abuse him once again, he finds himself at her house. Griffin makes him some tea that she says will help him calm down and begs him to let her tell her mother so that they can get him some help but he refuses. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be free from those monsters but he knows they can’t do anything against them currently. His mothers are rich and influential and if he lets Griffin and her mother get involved, his mothers will run through them and he can’t let that happen. It’s more than he could’ve hoped for to just have her in his life as someone he can confide in. He’s never been a talker but it turns out it’s because he didn’t have anyone to talk to. And Griffin listens. She listens and she cries the tears that he couldn’t have no matter how much he’d wanted. And it pains him that her heart hurts for him with the pain he’s been put in but it also makes him feel cared for for the first time.

- He kisses her one time they’re out on the lawn stargazing (she loves that, loves it so much her whole eyes light up and it feels like she’s set something inside him on fire, it makes him alive and he wants to know that that flame is free to burn and not threatened constantly by his mothers). They end up having sex and it is incredible. (He kind of expected her to be a virgin just as much as he expected the opposite but it turned out that she wasn’t which may or may not have made him a little jealous.) Griffin kisses every scar she can see even if the only source of light is the moon. She sees all of them, even those that remain invisible at all times. And he feels loved. For the first time in his life.

- He ends up not calling her but not because he thinks he may have feelings for her. He knows he does and he’s scared. If his mothers understand, there’s no telling what they’ll do to her. So he does his best to stay away and only approaches her at school. She’s not even waiting for an explanation (and it hurts him a little bit with the possibility of her not caring even if he knows she cares deeply and is the only one who does) and says she knows when he lays out his motives.

- They do their best to stay away from each other but when it’s time for prom Valtor asks her to go with him. He has to take someone anyway and he can’t stand the thought of taking anyone but her. So they’ll have to risk it. If she agrees, of course. He’s prepared for her denial and knows it will be the smarter move. Griffin accepts, though. She’d been thinking of not going at all but now that he’s asked her, she’s happy to be his date.

- His mothers arrive with him when he comes to get Griffin on their prom night and they are every bit as intimidating as Griffin imagined them and more. (Valtor lied to them that the project failed the first time because Griffin was really sick and they couldn’t work on it. She was a bit mad at first but when she remembered what the consequences had been for him even that way, she got her temper under control and was ready to play her role.) They act like they’re better than her and her mother and they say directly in her face that Valtor should’ve chosen one of the popular girls to take to the prom. Griffin can barely stand the ride to the school in the same space as them as they’re making her not just anxious but downright afraid and she has the feeling they can snap her neck like a twig any moment and get away with it. She doesn’t know how Valtor’s lived with them for so many years. Not that he’s had a choice.

- They dance at the prom and it is an unforgettable night. Griffin knows she’s in love and wants to get him out of that nightmare that is his life. She asks him to run away with her but Valtor says that is a foolish move. His mothers won’t even try to find them. They’ll frame her for a crime and let the police find them or they’ll threaten her mom and force them to come back. They can’t run away now. But he’ll find a way. They have to part for now but he’ll find a way to get rid of his mothers and he’ll find her when he has. If she’ll just wait for him, he promises he’ll find her when he’s free.

- They part ways and Griffin doesn’t see him again until it’s time for the class reunion. She can’t find him among all the other people and she thinks he didn’t make it but just then she hears “Looking for your ten?” and when she turns around, Valtor is in front of her. “I hear you have a lizard named V. I appreciate the gesture but there was no need.” “He was taking after you, going after all the females. I thought it’d be a shame to ignore the similarity.” “There’s only one woman I’m after now that there are no longer any monsters. Have you seen her?” “I don’t know. What does she look like?” “Like the woman of my life.” He pulls her into a kiss that is just the start of their happily ever after.

[closemyeyesforgood]

It started when I was just a kid. Our father was always on a war path of beratement, with my mom, brothers, and me. He never hit me directly, but he would grab and smack me, hold me up by the collar of my shirt. Scream at me nose to nose. and I got it the mildest. Everyone else would get hit, unless they obeyed.

I was told every day that I was worthless, useless, pathetic etc. By everyone but my mom, one aunt,  and my grandmother. These were the only people I trusted.

My best friend from age 0 to 11 was...arguably my only friend. Already feeling unworthy of love, I did anything she asked. She eventually went power hungry, always manipulating and threatening me to do as she wanted. She would abuse an assault me, as well as say fucked up things to me so I would hate myself. 

She would get me to tell her classified info, tell me she cared, make me feel loved, then just turn around and use the info to manipulate me. A very intelligent 10 yo. This went on and got worse and worse until some horrific and unspeakable things happened. We were always left unsupervised with her brother, and no one would believe anything I said, because she was always the better diplomat. I stopped contact after the things that happened. She still tries to get back in touch.

Right after this, my dad was kicked out as he started hitting me forcefully, and telling me how stupid, and worthless I am incessantly. My mom couldn’t handle it anymore and at the time he was having an affair, he moved the woman and her son in with us. They all left at the same time, and i think it was mere days before Stepdad moved in.

Stepdad was never physically abusive, but he was a  teenage party animal trapped in a man’s body. I didn’t sleep, because there was suddenly a non stop drug party at my house every night with people having sex in my hallways. And injecting heroin on my couch. The same men would repeatedly break my door down, sometimes passing out in my bed, on my floor, or getting knocked out by anyone who noticed them trying to get in my room. No nothing happened, but its likely because they were too drunk.

Mom got heavily addicted to the party scene, and I barely saw her, and when I did, she was very very rarely sober. My brothers had both more or less found other places to hang out at this time. I had to start cooking my own rice suppers, and making my own lunches, begging for money, and clothes etc. At the time I didn’t really know how to “cook cook”, but I learned.

Every day, stepdad would tell me how stupid and ugly and useless I was for the next 8 years. Always reassuring me that nothing I say or feel matters to anyone. I retaliated, but it would only make his words sharper, and make my mother resent me more and more. The more I stood up for myself the more horrible he would get.

I start middle school at this time. and made a new friend. Coincidentally the same name as the previous friend. Again, the only friend who would put any effort in, and made me feel like no one else would want to know me. She was incredibly manipulative. More so than my previous friend. She would dig and dig and dig so much that she would even “entrap” me into saying things I didn’t even mean, just to use them against me, or use it as ammunition to gossip about me to other people that I also though were my friends. She tricked me into doing humiliating things, degrading things, illegal things. Things I still have actual scars from

She forced me into several relationships with guys she liked so she could make them cheat on me. She would torment me by manipulating other people to berate and make fun of me publicly, and also  harass me on the phone or via msn, just to see me fall apart, and then “help put me back together”.

Manipulating me and turning everyone I trusted against me. Her manipulations and rumors cased me to be assaulted and betrayed several times, and convinced me I should be happy to take the compliment, because no one else would ever want me.  It took a long time, but eventually, 5 years later I realized her motives were all poisonous, and she was more or less pimping me out. Convincing me i’m ugly and disgusting, and I owe it to these boys to give them attention. Its fucked up what taking advantage of vulnerability can do.

it was around this time I started drinking vodka as often as I could get my hands on it. I had run away from home and was staying with a friend. My boyfriend at the time could get me booze, and his friends all had cars, so I was able to find some escape from all the trash in my life. I was 16 at this time. Eventually I had to accept that begging for money, and doing odd jobs wasn’t enough. I had to go back home and face the mess. At the time mom was on meds for her back, and I started hand feeding her supper, because she was on opiods. Then the hurricane hit and I had to move in with my aunt. 

Within the first few weeks of living there, I was still coming home to see my mom once a week. But, her and my brother just kept stealing my things and my money to buy weed or booze or whatever. I got fed up and called her out on it. To which she slapped me across the face, shoved me out the front door and told me I wasn’t her daughter. I fucked right off and didn’t look back.

My aunt treated me like a dog. I wasn’t allowed to use the hot water, or turn the heat on in my room. I wasn’t allowed to go with them on trips or dinners or anything. I wasn’t allowed to enjoy much at all. Not allowed to go to the mall with my cousin, not allowed to go fishing etc. Despite my dad sending her $1000 a month for me. But at the same time was in charge of 4 other kids, plus 3 more when the cousins were there for a visit. All the while, cooking and cleaning and making lunches, and delegating chores and helping with homework etc. These kids still consider me to be more like an aunt than a cousin or foster sister. 

Each day, the only things my aunt would have to say is that I was not good enough, no one cared about me, i was worthless, and useless, and barely a person to her.  People only pretend to like me because I am pathetic. When people would visit, they would call me cinderella, if that doesn’t say enough She would always talk about how I was a worthless slut who didn’t appreciate her generosity, and would never amount to anything. I would just be an addict like my mom, blah blah blah. This never stopped me from telling her off. But telling her off only made her angrier and more viscious. 

One day, I had come home from visiting with my other aunt and found a van packed full of my stuff. My uncle had just had a heart attack and was recovering in the hospital. She blamed my uncles (who is nothing but pie) heartattack on my insolence and had made the decision to kick me out before I even reconciled with my mother. My mom took me back but she was pretty fucked up about it. My previous boyfriend had also recently left me for a girl he had been seeing, my new boyfriend was a very cruel and distant guy, always telling me how stupid and weak and etc. I was, and I just had my wisdom teeth removed so I was not in a great headspace either. Thankfully it was only a few weeks away from staying with my grandmother for the summer.

By this point, I was “adopted” by another girl, who was also a victim of the previously mentioned girls abuse. Though it turns out she simply learned the tactics for herself. It was a repeat of the previous two friends. She was very clung to me, as I think she became addicted to abusing me. So much that she even followed me to the city when I moved for school. She squatted in my dorm room and refused to leave. 

And again, found my best friend trying to pimp me out so she could get the guys on her radar. Or just to watch me suffer, or berate me for allowing my weak mind to be manipulated. After countless abuse and manipulation, I just snapped out  of it, and wasn’t falling for it anymore. I started to be resistant to her manipulation. Not enough though, again she was still me only real friend in a new world. 

I had told her many secrets and personal things that I hadn't told anyone before, and again, all she did was use it against me, calling it “experience” instead of “trauma” and used me as a pawn because of it. Just like the previous friends I had also trusted.  We ended up moving in together, and lived together for a year until I eventually became a lost cause for her.  She moved out, leaving me with no way to pay rent, and i ended up renting a room to a sleezeball whose cheques always bounced. She too, lied to me constantly, telling sob stories and manipulated me out of thousands of dollars.

Unfortunately you would think this would have opened my eyes, but I was so lost and confused, it only made me blind and unsure. I felt I could no longer trust friends to respect anything about me. I stopped opening up to friends, and assumed boyfriends would be a better bet.

I started seeing someone who I had been friends with for a few years. I had dated a few guys, but they were all more interested in their ego than anything else. Again always telling me I was nothing, worthless, stupid, gross, ugly, unreachable expectations of respect or consideration etc. This guy though. He was very sweet, always knew the right things to say to make me feel sorry for him, make me trust him, find him non threatening etc.

He became physically and sexually abusive almost immediately after he got me to open up to him about myself. As soon as I told him anything personal, he would use it as a bargaining chip, or as a threat, or would use it to manipulate me into thinking he was being normal. I was trapped with him for a little over a year before I found a weak link and broke free. I am still unable to have showers with an obscured curtain without the risk of a panic attack. 

Not ONE of my friends would listen to me when I tried telling them what he was doing to me. They just told me I misunderstood him, and that he is a sweet guy with his own issues and I just have to be okay with that. “Don’t throw him away and disrespect him like all the others”. Not even telling me to leave if I’m unhappy, but that I owe it to him to try harder to accept him.

He then stalked me for a few years, and still even now, most of my friends don’t want to hear it, they love him, and whatever I say is probably a fabrication to make myself look better than him or whatever it is they tell themselves.

I had finally broken things off right before moving to  new place. I started seeing another old friend, who was fairly reliable and a lot of fun to be around. We had lots of mutual friends, and his parents took me in a lot in high school. We started to talk, and open up to eachother, and slowly but also quickly, I found out he too was a very troubled guy. It didn’t sink in until it was too late, I knew things were shitty, but he convinced me that moving in together would be the best thing for us. 

He was incredibly controlling right away and I don’t believe one day went by where he didn’t sit me down and berate me into crippling despair. He would not be affectionate even in the slightest with me, other than to humiliate me in front of our friends. After he would have one of his “talks” with me, I would be a ball on the floor sobbing, and he would just leave the room and tell me i was a “stupid worthless bitch”. I was confined to his parents house. If I went out for a walk, or anything of the sort without getting permission first, he would scream at me and berate me. If I got out of bed before him, same thing, if I didn’t make him breakfast perfectly before work, same thing. He was never physical, but he would throw things around, and scream and yell. He is still one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, which basically just means he knew all the right words to rip someone apart. And all the right arguments to make them feel wrong.

Every minute detail I told him about me, became a tool. Every single bit of knowledge became a point of manipulation and control. He didn’t want a girlfriend, He wanted an outlet. He even forced me to go on meds, so I wouldn’t be so emotional about it. SO I wouldn’t retaliate and see what he was doing.

I eventually started seeing what was happening, when i got used to the feeling of my face being swollen, but it took a year and a half of it for me to realize I didn’t deserve what he was doing to me. Unfortunately during this same time I had found a new friend, who I was only kind of open with, but I was on meds at the time, so I may have been more open with her than I realize. She was using 100% of the info I gave her to turn other friends against me, and to eventually alienate me entirely for reasons I couldn’t really figure out. She claimed she was helping me deal with my abusive situation, but she was just using the opportunity to manipulate, and control someone so she could feel superior. 

Her recently exed boyfriend realized what she was doing, and decided to tell me about it. we started talking more and more, and we started an emotional affair. my boyfriend found out about it pretty quickly as he was always reading my e-mails and texts while I was sleeping or out. at that time we were just about to move to another town for him to finish school. We broke up, but he convinced me I needed to make a friendship work with him. Keep in mind, I was living with him in an unfamiliar own yet again. 

I then didn’t sleep for months, as each night he would sit at the foot of my bed and tell me how much of a piece of shit I am, and that I don’t deserve to live. If he kills himself it will 100% be my fault etc. I would go to work exhausted with swollen eyes. He would visit me on lunch breaks to berate me some more. making me cry in public, them making me feel like shit for embarrassing him for crying in public, and being weak and pathetic enough to do so.

During this, I was still talking to the other guy, we were meeting in hotel rooms and whatnot. he was the only person who would listen, or help. Eventually I made my brother move to the town and get a place with me so I could escape. and this guy moved in also.

He was smart, and kind. We opened up to each other quite a bit. I don’t believe any guy has ever been as open with me as he was. I felt comfortable being 100% transparent with him in no time, same on his side. This probably sounds great, but sometimes you forget that fact knowledge isn’t always emotional knowledge. and when you know enough about someone, you think you can rewire them.

Instead of accepting me, and loving me for who I was, he spent the next 5 years trying to groom me and change me to what he wanted. Using every aspect and detail I had opened up to him about to use as leverage. He often told me I was disgusting, or weak and that no one could ever love me like he does. On a daily basis he would tell me no one would ever care about me or my feelings or my life. I was never pretty enough, or well dressed enough, or clean enough, or organized enough. Nothing about me was perfect enough for him. Like previous boyfriends, he spent a lot of hours trying to convince me to just not have friends. He would make me feel like shit for spending time with people, or investing in them, and always try and convince me I don’t need them and shouldn't trust the,.

Always bringing up things from the past  as evidence I should only ever trust him, and depend on him. The worst part about this, was that I always believed him, always. Every word he said, every action he took, every opinion, every resistance. Every time he would discourage me, I always was convinced it was “for my own good”. He seemed to resent me for everything I did, or said, or thought. I was unhappy for most of the relationship, but was convinced no one else would ever love me.

If this wasn’t enough, I was simultaneously being abused and manipulated by my boss. She had successfully convinced me I was worthless, and without any value what so ever. That I always needed to be “taken down a peg” because i was so full of myself. Daily she would plant a seed of doubt, and watch it grow into fruition. As my home support was not helpful, It was not easy for me to see what was going on from either front. She would play me against coworkers so I wouldn’t have an opportunity to see that she was puppeteer all of us. She would set me up with a false sense of security, by being seemingly nurturing, convincing me to open up to her when we would be stuck in a room alone for hours. Then use it against me, telling me I deserve nothing, and she has been so generous, and understanding, how could I have the audacity to question or disrespect her.

When I became pregnant, the beratement, and doubt, and hate and resentment got much worse from both of them. They saw me gaining more confidence, and they were losing control. My pregnancy brain gave me more clarity as it wasn’t about me or them anymore. It was about my baby. I started seeing the relationship was toxic, and that my boss was a fucking horrible person. I started seeing what I wanted for myself and my baby, instead of what everyone else wanted of me.

I had already made the decision to try and work from home after the baby was born, and I was going to try and make things work with my boyfriend, as he had convinced me the problem was my boss, and taking her out of the picture would fix everything.

Then, my baby died, a week after her due date. So I was completely fucked up, I felt like JFK when Jackie tried to put his brains back in. I lost what little support I did have in my life. And the two of them saw it as an opportunity to gain control of me again. For a little while it worked, until I started seeing a Councillor for the loss. My boyfriend continued to insinuate that it was somehow my negligence that killed our baby, and my boss bullied me back to work after 6 weeks.

The abuse and manipulation and beratement became overwhelming, and I started a blog, which my boss read and dissected and would use as reference when trying to berate or manipulate me some more. My boyfriend would just constantly be bitter toward me, and resentful for any reason he could think of. Always telling me I was pathetic and no body wants to hear about my problems and I need to get over it etc.

Then I quit, started a new job, left my boyfriend, and started a new life with the only man who has ever been considerate and kind to me for purposes of love, and not an agenda. First guy to not try and change me for what he wants from me. 

So basically I had a constant stream of abuse and manipulation form every person I trusted until now. Each person I opened up to, used the info for their own gain, and never once used it to consider my personality or feelings. So its really difficult to open up to or trust anyone. I didn’t stop drinking heavily until I got pregnant, I didn't stop drinking all together until my mother passed away, and its still a struggle to not get trashed, but my stomach issues help me stop thankfully.

Alcohol made life bearable, and fun. I was able to enjoy myself and let go of things. Unfortunately it didn't make the thoughts and feelings and memories go away. It repressed them, and when my mother was no longer in my life, all the memories and feelings began flooding back in. So minimum 14 years of me shutting out emotions and memories. This is what caused my "mental breakdown" among some other circumstances.

[maximows]

Against the Odds - Chapter V

Doppleganger,

MASTERLIST (mobile) AO3 

Warnings: a lil’ bit of smut (kinda), fluff, emotional distress, fighting, 

I swayed my body along to the music coming from the large speakers at the edge of the stage. Bastille were playing Durban Skies and I closed my eyes to enjoy the beautiful sounds.  

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve  And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground  Dig them up; let's finish what we've started  Dig them up, so nothing's left untouched 

I opened my eyes slowly as the song ended and the lead singer, Dan, started to talk to the audience. „Are you stoned?” Sebastian asked, standing right next to me, looking into my eyes carefully. 

„What?” I narrowed my eyebrows. „Of course not.” 

He tilted his head to the side, not letting it go. Well, he did let go, but just for another few songs, until the band left the stage. „So, what’s up? Why are you being so weird today?” 

I sighed. „It's nothing, I guess is just wasn’t in the mood today.” 

Seb stopped. „Bullshit,” he said. „You had an orgasm, as Chris put it, when you found out that I had tickets to see Bastille.” 

I flinched a bit at the mention of Chris. „Let it go, Seba.” 

„Oh my God, is it Chris?” he asked. „Have you guys been fighting? I mean it’s none of my business, but you’re both my friends and...” 

„We're not fighting, Seb,” I interrupted him. „We broke up.” 

Sebastian didn’t say anything and followed me, when I moved to start walking back to my car. I saw that he really wanted to ask, but didn’t know if he should. 

“It happened two months ago,” I started as I settled in the driver's seat. “We had a fight and went our separate ways.” 

“But why? You were so good together.” He shrugged, looking out the front window, as if searching for an answer. 

“Chris is looking for a wife,” I stated. “and I’m just looking for a boyfriend.” 

It had been a quiet night. Chris had seen my interview promoting a movie I’ve just filmed. It’s about a woman in her early twenties who gets pregnant and has an abortion, because the father of the baby isn’t willing to help her. After he finds out, he sues her, seeing this as an opportunity to get money. 

In the interview, asked about my opinion on abortion, I said: “Well, I wouldn’t let myself get pregnant, if I didn’t actually want it to happen. But shit happens, you know? Pregnancy is a big deal and anyone who’s trying to restrain access to abortion is a terrorist. People think that it’s so easy, that it’s such an easy decision – it’s not. Which is why we need sex education, that’s what prevents abortion, not making it illegal.  

And then, asked if I see myself settling down is the nearest future, I said: “Not for a long time, no. Having a family is a huge deal, I don’t feel like I'm ready for it.” 

Chris didn’t like that. Not the idea of someone not wanting to settle down, of course. The idea of me, his girlfriend, not wanting to settle down right now. 

He come up to me and sat on the couch next to me. “What did you mean by that?” 

And that was the conversation I had feared. At more than 6 months of being together, Chris was comfortable enough to ask me about the possibility of being married and having children together. I still hadn’t been ready to talk about it, although I did think about it constantly.  

“Chris, I’m 22,” I said. “I might want to have children in the future, but it’s definitely not now.” 

“And I’m 33.” he stated. “And, uh, I think I’d prefer it to happen in a nearer future.” 

In this very moment, I knew it was possibly the end of our relationship. Neither of us was going to give up on our needs. It was basically the moment, when we finally stopped lying to each other. 

“Chris, I definitely won’t have kids before I’m 25. It might be 25 or 30. I can’t tell you that right now.” 

“Well, I’m not getting any younger...” he sighed, sensing the same thing as me. 

The whole conversation had been very awkward. We didn’t know what to say, because we were faced with an obvious thing we should’ve discussed months ago.  

“Me neither.” I whispered, looking at the floor. 

The conversation had escalated to a fight very quickly, though. It was a fight between two people who wanted to be together, but had non-negotiable terms.  

“Are you really that afraid of commitment? You know I’m committed and responsible, you say you love me and yet you still can’t see yourself having a family with me in like 2 or 3 years!?”  

By now, Chris was standing a few feet from the sofa. “I never said that! I only said that I cannot specify when I will definitely be ready to do that! It’s a big decision and I don’t want to regret it.” I explained, trying to be as calm as possible. The truth was, I was on the verge of tears. 

“For me, it sounds like you don’t trust me,” he shrugged. “It feels like we’re wasting each other’s time.” 

I raised my eyebrows. Is he being serious right now? “Are you fucking kidding me right now? You should have started our first conversation with ‘Hey, just curious, you wanna have a kid real soon?’ You wouldn't have to waste your time on me.” I yelled. 

“You know very fucking well, that it's not what I meant.” He hissed. “But, yeah, we should've had that talk months ago. At least your commitment issues would've came out earlier.” 

That was enough for me. From that moment I just yelled and yelled into his face about how he’s paranoid about anyone finding out too much about us, like he’s ashamed of me. About how he doesn’t want to confirm our relationship to the media, because he’s the one with commitment issues. And how he expects me to understand that he’s getting older and doesn’t want his children to be born too late, but at the same time doesn’t respect my choice of not having them until I’m at a certain point in my life. 

And that was the end. 

“I can’t believe it happened 2 months ago,” Sebastian said in disbelief. “I can’t believe he would act like that.”  

“Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either.” I scratched the back of my head. “But that’s finished.” 

I was sure that Sebastian wouldn’t just leave this matter. Too much of his party humor relayed on Chris' and mine relationship. I drove him back home and then back to mine.  

The only thing keeping me going was work. I’ve had a busy couple of weeks and it’s been keeping my mind off the ugly break up. Tomorrow, I’m renewing my contract with Jaguar at their dealership in New York and giving some interviews afterwards. Next week, I’m flying back to the UK to film Top Gear. Thankfully, I hadn’t had to fly to LA for the last 2 months and it’s been refreshing.  

The next day I woke up just in time to start preparing for my meetings. I had started to spend more and more time in bed, as if I were in the first stages of depression. My period didn’t help either. Thankfully, Hannah was always beside me and my friends were only one phone call away. I still had some trouble sharing stuff like that with my family, but it was still alright between us.  

The car drove me to the Jaguar dealership in Manhattan, where I saw photographers waiting for me, as it was a media event. I went inside to greet the owner, who proceeded to show me some of their newest models. Later, I signed a promotion deal stating that I would become an ambassador for Jaguar. They also “premiered” a commercial starring Tom Hiddleston and I.  

I took some pictures next to the cars, had a few short interviews talking about the cars, my preferences in cars and if I’m actually interested. “I grew up with two older brothers, so I don’t think I ever even expressed any interest in tea parties or dolls. They made me into an actual tomboy. My mom tried making me wear those cute dresses and I liked them, but always ended up coming back all dirty. I like cars very much, I know a lot about them, so I’m incredibly happy to be partnering with a company that is one of the best in the business.” 

It was my time to leave, as I had a few more things to do. On my way back to the car, I found that the  crowd outside had doubled at least. “Emilia, have you seen Chris’ new photos with Stella?” 

“Are you guys off?” 

“Is he cheating on you?”  

I was a little bit distraught when I heard the first question. My heart sunk a little bit. It took me no time to find my phone, once the car door was closed. 

I googled “Chris Evans” and felt years pool in my eyes. 

What’s going on? Chris Evans was spotted out with his ex, Stella Smith. The pair have a rich history as an on and off couple. This shouldn’t be a surprise, right? It is, because the Captain America actor has been in a relationship with his Avengers co-star and gorgeous British actress, Emilia Dawson, since earlier this year and there have been no rumors of a break up. 

Looking at this now, we do have to admit that Mr. Evans seems to have a pretty defined type. Kelly and Dawson do seem to look alike these days. 

I looked at the photo of them walking their dogs and suddenly, I felt like cancelling all my plans. Until now, I still felt like our break up was just a temporary thing and we would find our way back to each other. The feeling of being replaced by just “another model” of me was making me nauseous.  

I tried to pull myself together and make sure I looked as best as I could, when I walked into the studio. The make up artist has worked with me on numerous occasions and I saw that she wanted to ask me, but she never did. She did a great job giving my red eyes though. 

It was a Vogue cover photo shoot, so I tried to switch my emotions off for the time being and do my best while I was there. 

Hannah joined me when the photo shoot had already started and she could tell I knew. Normally, she would ask the photographer to cut the shoot short, but it’s not a thing you can do when it’s Vogue and Mario Testino.  

By the time we were actually finished, I was pretty sure, I only wanted to bury myself under my bedsheets. Working on a photo shoot gave me too many opportunities for my mind to just wander off to places I didn’t want it to go to. I didn’t even ask them to remove my make up, because I desperately needed to go home.  

“Em, I’m pretty sure it’s nothing,” Hannah assured me on our way to the car. “They’re probably just friends. And she’s not very busy, so maybe she was the only one he had.” 

“They’re not friends. Things ended badly between them,” I snapped. “Can you get me an appointment at a hair-dressers today?” I asked. 

Hannah raised her eyebrow and lifted her phone immediately. “I’ll see what I can do.” 

Three hours later, I was off the chair at a salon, sporting a new haircut – blonde, shoulder length hair styled into beautiful waves. To be honest, that was incredibly impulsive of me. And stupid, probably. The only reason I did that was to make sure I’m not known as her doppelganger. That’s how salty I am. 

That didn’t help me, still. She’s older, doesn’t work as much as I do and they’ve known each other for years. They could be trying to get back together. I mean, she could be willing to give Chris what he wants, without making him wait. Hair colour isn’t going to change anything.  

As I was getting deeper and deeper into assumptions, I had already ordered my food for the evening. I asked the driver to let me out a little bit further away from my building, because I wanted some air. It was dark already and the streets seemed to me more quiet than usual, so it was a perfect moment for a short walk. 

When I reached the reception of my building, the man behind the counter called me. “Ms. Dawson!” 

I turned to face him. “Yes?” 

“There’s something for you.” He barely managed to put a huge bouquet on the counter. I noticed a variety of flowers, many of which I couldn’t even name. “I’ll bring it upstairs for you.”  

The receptionist set the bouquet on my kitchen island and once I was alone, I moved it to the middle. As it was so big, it was in a decorative wooden box. There was an envelope on the side. I saw “Emilia" written on it and immediately knew who it was from.  

Emilia, 

I am so sorry it took me such a long time to do this. I think you can imagine how many drafts I’ve created for this letter. At least I hope you can. 

I had started to regret everything I said the moment you left my house. Or the moment you went to sleep to the guest bedroom, before the morning you left. I wish I had just shut my mouth, because this last month (I really have been writing this for a long time) has been simply one of the most awful periods of my life (it’s easily in TOP3).  

I don’t want to get into details here, because that would be just another time when I’m talking and you have to listen to my bullshit. I only want you to know I sincerely apologize for how insensitive I was, how I refused to look at your point of view. I cannot believe that it took me so much time to remember that 11 years ago, having a family wasn’t my priority either.  

I’ll be in New York tomorrow afternoon and I would love to see you. Let’s meet at 7pm in Central Park near the bench where you spilled a chocolate milkshake on your white pants (trousers). If you want to meet, please just text me “OK” and I will be there.  

I love you, 

Chris.  

I saw that different paragraphs were written with different pens, which meant didn’t write this letter during one sit-down. I looked all the way down to see a post scriptum.  

PS. I’ve just noticed the pictures paps took of me yesterday. How cliché will it be if I say that it wasn’t what it looked like? 

I grabbed my phone immediately, but then had to stop myself for a moment. Should I?  

On one hand, a meeting means nothing. I don’t have to go back to him immediately. Or go back to him at all. On the other hand, I might just want to drop to my knees in front of him the moment I see him. 

“Ok.” I texted.  

“You’re such a stupid weak bitch.” I whispered to myself.  

My food care just in time for it to stop overthinking and imagining how tomorrow’s gonna end. I played some comedy shows and tried to just forget about everything. It really helped. 

The next day I didn’t have to go out anywhere. It was the day I wanted to spend on memorizing my lines and reading scripts for new potential projects. But was I able to focus on anything? Of course not. 

I kept thinking how should I act around Chris or what should I tell him.  

What if he just wants to apologize and leave? What if he decided that there’s too many differences between us? I mean, should I just let him put babies in me or what? 

I wrapped my coat tight around myself as I crossed the road to enter Central Park. The spot we were supposed to meet at wasn’t far from the gate I was entering through, so I tried not to look too needy or ready for reconciliation. 

I was a little bit of a petty bitch. I made myself look more than presentable, in case things didn’t go well. I needed him to know when he was missing. And that thing he was missing was a girl hopelessly in love with him, stopping herself from just jumping into his arms and kissing life out of him. 

I turned into the next alley and there he was. He was wearing a leather jacket with dark jeans and a baseball cap. Also, he brought Dodger with him. At least I can always say that I’m only crying because I’ve missed Dodger. 

Chris was sitting, but when he noticed (and recognized) me, he stood up immediately. “Hey,” he took the NASA cap off as I approached him. “Wow, I barely recognized you, Emily...” He said. 

“Um, hi.” I said, kneeling down to greet Dodger, who seemed to be very excited to see me. 

“I mean, you look great, the colour suits you... Anyway, thank you for agreeing to see me,” Chris said, sitting back down on the bench. I sat next to him, keeping my distance. Once he was sure it was me, Dodger put his head on my lap expecting me to scratch him behind his ears. “I know it must’ve been a tough decision after what I said.” 

“We both said things we shouldn’t have said.” I sighed, looking up from Dodger to Chris.  

There was a moment of silence between us. We both wanted to say something, but were too afraid. The good thing was, I think we were on the same page. We both wanted to get back together.  

“I’ll start,” Chris mumbled. “The last few weeks have been a torture. Not just because we broke up, but how we broke up. I hated the fact that I said some stupid, demanding things and then had no courage to reach out and apologize. I acted like a selfish idiot and the fact that I said things that hurt you has been keeping me up at night.”  

“Chris, we both said things we didn’t mean,” I said. “We’re in different phases and it will cause conflicts. The only solution for that is finding other…” 

“I don’t want anyone else.” He stated firmly. “I… I’m guessing you saw the photos of me with Stella. You know we had a very ugly break up. She called me asking to meet and fix this. I’m on good terms with all of my exes. I thought that maybe, if I talk to her, maybe it’ll help me to be a better partner to you. She actually wanted to get back together when she found out about us, but it wasn’t something I was interested in.” He paused for a moment. “Anyway, I thought about what you said and what I said. I was being my most selfish self in years. I knew how old you were when we met and I chose to just hope that your goals will meet mine. I just feel like… I hope it doesn’t make it sound trivial, but I feel like you tick all the boxes and I just don’t want to lose you…” 

That was really all I needed to just run back into Chris’ arms. I mean, that’s all I’ve been thinking about since I saw him. “Chris, let me tell you something now,” I tucked some loose hair behind my ear. “I overreacted. I had been afraid of that topic since the day we met and the moment we started talking about it, I panicked. To be honest, I’ve always said that if I even choose to be a wife and a mother, it’ll be before I’m 30.” I explained, noticing a faint smile on Chris’ face. “And I hope it’s with you because I know you’re going to be an amazing father and husband.” I reached out with my hand to touch his. 

He looked down at our intertwined fingers and smiled. “So are we on again? Because my mom’s going to kill me if we aren’t.” 

I smirked. “I think we might be, but there’s still some less important stuff we need to discuss.”  

Chris nodded. “I know, I know. But it’s a good start.”  

I got even closer to Chris and nuzzled my nose into the crook of his neck. I inhaled his scent lightly and felt secure for the first time in weeks. “I’ve missed you so much, Evans.” 

Chris wrapped his arms around my waist and brought me closer to him. “Let's go. Dodger is getting cold and it’s getting too dark here for me to look at you.” 

We chose to go back to Chris' hotel because he had Dodger's food there. We agreed I’d spend the night there and then we’d move to mine.  

Chris was taking a shower and I was just scrolling through my Instagram feed, when his phone ringed. It was right next to me on the bed, so I saw that the photo of me, sleeping with Dodger by my side was still his background. I smiled at it, but then got the stupid idea of going through Chris' phone.  

No. No. No. No. “Em, can you check who texted me?”  

I sighed and unlocked his phone (we know each other's codes). “It's Scott. He’s asking how it went.” 

“Oh, uh, he means our meeting. So if you could just text him that we’re fine now.” Chris shouted back, so I took a photo of myself with my thumb up and a smile and sent it to him. Unfortunately, I am a stupid idiot, so right after that I checked Chris’ inbox to find text exchange with Stella from 2 days ago. There was nothing he hadn’t told me about, which made me feel way worse about myself.  

“My mom was actually very mad at me for our break up,” Chris said as he left the bathroom in a towel around his waist. “She yelled at me and stuff.” 

“I didn’t even tell my parents. My mum would probably freak out that it’s their fault, so I decided to wait to see if it’s... definite.” 

Chris sat next to me, I laid across the bed so my head was on his lap. He put his hand on my cheek and stroked the flushed skin delicately. “I’m glad it’s not definite.” 

I looked into his eyes for a moment. He was smiling so brightly; my heart was melting. “Chris, I checked your texts with Stella just a moment ago, I’m sorry.” 

I was actually expecting him to be at least a little bit mad. “I’m not surprised,” he shrugged. “I mean, I did meet up with her 2 days before I came up here to ask you for forgiveness.” 

“Yeah, but you explained and I should’ve believed you. And I’m not saying I didn’t, but I just saw the thread and... And by the way, I dyed my hair yesterday after seeing your photos with her and being compared to her.” 

Chris’ eyes went wide open. “Are you fucking kidding me?” 

“I know, it was really stupid.” I sighed. “I hated the idea of you being attracted to me only because I look like your ex.” 

Chris combed my hair with his fingers delicately. “Please, stop. I love YOU, not your hair or whatever,"  Chris leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Let’s just forget about all of this and everything else tonight, ok?” He moved to my nose and then my lips.  

I forgot how much I loved the feeling of his lips on mine. Especially now that he was growing his beard back. I love that rough sensation against my cheek every now and then.  

I reached out with my hand to tangle my fingers into Chris' hair. He bit my lower lip delicately as his hand travelled to my neck. “I’ve missed your soft skin, miss.” He whispered against my lips. “And you always smell like strawberries, I’ve missed that in bed.” 

I smiled and licked his upper lip playfully. “I missed your dog.” 

Chris grinned and looked around the room. “Well, he seems to be asleep in the living room, so how about we do some catching up?” he moved his finger slowly across my collarbone, but I grabbed it and intertwined our fingers. 

“Someone seems to have forgotten what time of the month it is.”  

He seemed to be confused for a moment and then realized what I was talking about. “Ohh, right,” he sighed. “Hot chocolate, then?” 

I got off his lap and walked up to my handbag. “I'll go take a shower. Can you give me like a shirt or something?” 

“Yeah, I’ll leave it on the bed.” Chris nodded and reached for his phone. 

I went into the bathroom. Since the first night I spent with Chris, I’ve been carrying spare underwear in case of such emergency. I took a quick hot shower, pulled on the underwear and quickly left the steamy bathroom so I could jump right under the covers. To be honest, Chris was incredibly pleased with me being topless in bed, but once there, I grabbed his shirt and put it on. 

“Aw, why won’t you sleep without it.” He moaned. 

“It’s not that comfortable when you actually have boobs.” I snuggled into his hot (literally) chest and hid myself under the covers. “This is a really nice hotel, why is it so cold in here?” I whispered. 

“It's not, you just take insanely hot showers.” Chris lowered himself to face me and pulled me against him. “Now I can finally sleep in peace.” 

The next morning I woke up with my cheek pressed against Chris' naked back. I could hear he was talking to someone on the phone, trying to be really quiet. 

“... I mean, we did just get back together, Ma. I have to give her some space.” He whispered. “I can’t just say that were going to Boston for Thanksgiving...” 

“Get me the Lisa Lasagne and I’m in.” I murmured against his skin before kissing it. 

“Ok, she said yes.” Chris chuckled and listened to Lisa speak for a moment. “Mom wants to talk to you...” he handed me the phone over his shoulder. 

I took it and turned to lay on my back. “Hey, Lisa.”  

“Emilia, you have no idea how glad I am to hear your voice! Your break up had an awful impact on Christopher.” She started. “Anyway, so are you coming to Boston for Thanksgiving? I know you don’t celebrate it back home, so I though you could spend it with us.” 

“I’d love to, very much. I’m looking forward to all of the delicious food you will make.” I said as Chris wrapped himself around my waist.  

“I’ll definitely make more of that lasagne you like so much.” She assured me. “I’ll let you two spend some time alone, now that you’re back together. See you in a few weeks!” 

“Bye!” I said and hung up. Chris was already peppering my lower stomach with delicate kisses. I tangled my fingers into his hair to scratch his head. “You won’t give up, right?” 

He looked up at me while slowly lifting my (his) shirt. “I just can’t help myself.” He answered,  taking my nipple between his teeth and pulling lightly. “I mean, people have period sex.” 

He moved up to nibble on my neck and I acted my back a little at the sensation. “I’m off the pill.” I said. “I suppose you don’t have a condom.” 

Chris fell back onto the bed next to me and sighed. “We should get going then, I’m really close to dying from blue balls.”  

Once we were out, I held on to Chris' arm as we walked back to my flat and holding Dodger's lead. Chris decided to reschedule some of his meetings for today, so he wanted to walk me back and leave his stuff. 

“Now that we're back on, how do you feel about me posting stuff about us on Instagram?” I asked. “I mean, like, sometimes, not all the time.” 

He sighed. “Yeah, but not too much, you know I like to keep it all low-key.” 

When we reached my building, Chris left his baggage in my bedroom and walked up to me. I was spread out on the sofa, waiting for my prince Charming to pay attention to me. “I should be back in two hours and then we can do whatever you want, alright?”  

I nodded as Chris' hand found my chin to keep me in place while he bent down to kiss me. It was slow and sensual. I could barely hold back a moan. “Don’t kiss me like that, because I won’t let you out.” I murmured.  

"I won't be long, baby girl," he grinned. "Take a nap, choose a movie, I'll buy all the chocolate snacks I can find on the way, alright?" 

"God, Christopher." 

@daybreak96 @coffeebooksandfandom @smilexcaptainx @betinalunardi @rollinsuh @lily2089@stella2445 @hy-pocrite @l0rd-disick @beholdoritou @klaussstilinski@achishisha@givenchymercury @just-trying-to-survive-marvel @henry-cavill-gossip-girl @rock-titties @bombsandsparkles @marvel-fan23 @cap-just-said-language @blackaestheticislife @justsomemarvelspam @nerdchester17 @shyofaspark @cssrogersse@crispyearthquakezombie@ultragalaxy @bit-of-a-timelord @kingofallthingsz @morguleth@calicokitkat @areelphony@gemgemswift @donut-crazs @dontchawishyouknewhowtosalsa@kandomeresbitch @deafeningpsychicpandahands @severely-theoretic @chmedic @patzammit@winterssoliderss @metalarmlover @saturnki @coolkimchijoy16 @sammyjammy92 @coolkimchijoy16

[peachymhaechan]

“How could you not know?”

Genre: angst to fluff 

Warning: language, underage drinking, drug use, mentions of sex 

Pairing: Haechan x female reader 

I’m sorry but this gif killed me so now you all have to suffer with me:) love you, babes!!

you and donghyuck had been best friends for as long as you could remember

you had gone to the same elementary school but didn’t really talk until middle school

the first time y’all had talked to each other was a full on roast session

he walked up to you with a few of his friends and went, “who let you out of the house with that shirt?”

oh no, sis

he did NOT just say that to you

“who let you out of the house with that damn attitude? fix yourself before you try and come for me, dumbass.” 

and that was that

he looked at you with wide eyes and a blush on his face and he was Sold

you owned his ass and he owned your ass from that point on

you two became inseparable pretty quickly

anywhere one would go, the other would follow

that included parties, sleepovers, vacations, etc

your parents loved hyuck so much

they loved him like he was their son

sometimes you would have to stay after school and you’d get home to find hyuck sitting at your dining room table with your parents, eating dinner and gossiping like he was part of the family

anyways

you and hyuck were very close, the definition of best friends

as a result, you both had the same friends for the most part

it was senior year and most of your friends had left and gone to college, but you had a solid group of friends: renjun, jeno, jaemin, Chenle, and jisung

Chenle and Jisung were your freshmen babies okay

haechan was like their dad and you were Mom™️ 

full on Mother

one time some little freshman bully tried being mean to your boys

the entire friend group (aka Dreamies) were not putting up with it, but you went fucking ape shit

you dead ass found him after school in the parking lot

you waited in your car for three hours for the dick to be done with baseball practice so you could kindly talk to him:) 

and by that I mean scare the ever living shit out of his bitch ass

to make a long story short, you basically said that if he ever tried to talk bad about the boys, talked to the boys, looked at the boys, or even breathed near the boys you would show up at his house at three in the morning and cut his dick off and tape it to his forehead, then everyone at school would call him a rated r unicorn :)

needless to say, the boy started crying, ran home, and jisung and Chenle never dealt with him again!!

so one day you were driving your children to school

hyuck was in the passenger seat with the aux, jamming out at seven in the morning, how the fuck did he have so much energy?

the other boys squeezed in the back (very illegal, pls don’t do this!! not safe at all, babes, pls be good drivers and follow the laws of the road and be conscious of your safety and the safety of those around you!!)

you stopped at the local coffee shop bc hello?? tired teenagers trying to make it through the day

so y’all drank your coffee and jammed out to shitty early 2000′s pop while on the way to school

when you pulled into the parking lot, nobody wanted to go inside 

I mean,,, it’s school, who tf really wants to go to school when you don’t have to

so yall waited in the parking lot until right before the bell for first period rang

during that time, hyuck took the opportunity to tell everyone about a college party mark had invited everyone to

“what??”

“mark told me to invite all of the Dreamies to a party that him and his friends are having, and-”

“A college party?”

“Yes, and-”

“Where there will be alcohol?”

“Well, yeah, and-”

“No way.” 

you stood your ground (at first) which made everyone upset

“But Y/N, we want to go!” a chorus of whines answered you

“No way, you’re all too young, and I don’t want to have to drag your bitch asses home when you get plastered,” you argued

“Y/N we are literally the same age,” Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin and Hyuck all said at the same time

“Okay but who drives y’all everywhere? Who gives y’all the answers to the homework? Who fakes your parents’ signatures to get y’all out of school early? Who helps you when you are injured and becomes a nurse? Who lets y’all take over my house when my parents aren’t home? Who cooks y’all food all the time? Who stands up for y’all when people try and be mean?” 

radio silence was the response you got

“That’s what I thought. We might be the same age, but I take care of you guys all the damn time, and most of the time, nobody notices. Plus, Chenle and Jisung are fucking babies. There is no way in hell they are going to a college fucking frat party.” 

for a couple of days, you had won that argument

but then you were facetiming hyuck one night at two in the morning and he managed to convince you otherwise

“FINE FUCK OKAY, WE CAN GO TO THE PARTY” 

cue his squeal and “thank you thank you thank you!” 

the next day at school you told the boys to be ready in time for the party

“if you’re not ready and at the door when I get to your house, you’re not going. You can walk,” you told them, still a very strict mom

they all were very excited obviously

bc I mean,,, wow very cool, high schoolers at a college party?? wow very cool

the days leading up to the party were normal

for you, at least

normal drives to school, normal things during school like sleeping through college algebra, skipping class with hyuck to watch Netflix in the basement janitor’s closet, and normal drives home from school, normal dinners with hyuck and his parents, and normal facetimes at one in the morning with hyuck

like I said earlier, you did everything with that boy

no wonder so many people at school thought you were dating

I mean, that and the whole holding hands and hyuck kissing your cheek and hyuck constantly clinging to you thing

but ya know sometimes a homie just needs a kiss on the lips😔🤠 

but then the day of the party came and all the boys could talk about was what they would do at said party

“What do I wear?” Jisung asked

“Wear that cute little umbrella hat and your “mommy’s little angel” shirt, dumbass. you wanna be flexin on them hoes, don’t you?” you replied

“How do I not get drunk but still drink?” Jeno thought out loud

“Drink water, fool,” you answered in typical mom fashion

“I’m scared, what if there are scary college kids there that make fun of me?” 

“Then Y/N starts a fist fight and we leave the party early, no big deal,” Hyuck told a worried Chenle

anyways

it was time for the party

and you were lookin cute or whateva

so you left the house- an EMPTY house bc parents were out of town, YEET

first stop: bitch ass hyuck’s

you honked the horn to let him know you were outside and he ran outside with two bowls of ice cream in his hands

“Hyuck?? What the fuck??” you asked as he got in the passenger seat and handed you a glass bowl, full of ice cream

“I thought you’d want some,” he sweetly replied, thoughtful as ever

“I mean yeah, I’m always a slut for ice cream, but I’m literally driving.” 

“Don’t worry, I’ll feed you.” 

and so he fed you spoon fulls of ice cream as you drove to pick up your dolphin, flirt, panicked gay, toddler, and aggressive baby

once they all were in the car and ready to go (aka nervous as shit), y’all headed out to Mark’s party

you knew you were in the right place bc y’all could hear the music from the party a block away

bitch?? it’s 11 o clock?? aren't your neighbors pissed??

but then you remembered you were surrounded by different frats and sororities and nobody within a three mile radius cared bc they were most likely shitfaced, so. ya know

you parked the car and piled out

you ever see a clown car?? bc that was y’all getting out

anyways

there are string lights thrown everywhere, beer cans littering the front yard, some guy throwing up in the bushes, a couple making out on the front steps, and a random fog machine in the doorway

cool

the freshies and even your fellow seniors were in awe

you were the only one who hadn’t been pumped for this party but you were starting to look forward to it?? 

but you had to be the designated driver:/ 

sike hyuck could drive

you led the group of scared but excited little ducklings into the house and were greeted by a tipsy Mark picking you up in his drunken happiness

“Y/N!!!!” he yelled into your ear and fucking. spun you around and shit 

“Hello, Mark! How much have you had to drink so far?” you asked, shocked that he could be that fucked up when the party had only started less than an hour ago 

“So much!! Haha anyways-” he set you down on the floor and greeted the others

he knew the freshmen babies from going to hyuck’s “bangers” and shit

and by banger I mean the #gang watching john mulaney in hyuck’s basement and playing cards against humanity until three in the morning

he gave the boys hugs, him and hyuck did their dope ass handshake, and he took everybody into the kitchen for drinks and to socialize

“this is my frat house, do you guys like it?” 

“Mark, since we are best friends I think you deserve my honesty....” you started and glanced at Hyuck

“It’s a shithole,” you both said at the same time

Mark laughed and told you both, “Thanks, I appreciate it. It usually looks better when red Solo cups aren’t laying everywhere.” 

mark led y’all into the kitchen and the first smell that hit your nose was alcohol, and the second was weed

luckily the people carrying a bong left the kitchen and went out in the backyard so the initial impact was gone

the scent still lingered tho which was not so cool!! 

and as a result, made you latch onto your children

there were people in there making out, and they were about one clothing item away from doing the deed in the middle of the kitchen

Chenle and Jisung grabbed your hands so you knew they were //afraid//

Mark stopped and said hi to people along the way, all matching the stereotypical frat boy look

“Hey Yuta, pour everyone a drink, would you?” he asked some guy standing at the island with a bottle of vodka in his hands

the boy oozed narcissism and made you want to punch him in the face when he made eye contact with you and winked

the boy had the audacity to wink ?? boy if you don’t

donghyuck scooched closer to you and introduced himself

“hey, I’m donghyuck.” 

“I’m Yuta, and you are?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows at you

“Jailbait. Fuck off and hurry up with the drinks.” 

a cackle sounded behind the group and a few boys appeared next to mark

“I think that’s the first time any girl has ever talked to Yuta like that. I’m Johnny and this is Jaehyun, Taeyong and Lucas.” 

opinion on Johnny: chill, very tall

opinion on Jaehyun: tall, pretty smile

opinion on Taeyong: sharp features, mom friend vibe

opinion on Lucas: tall (again), fuckboy but a sweetheart

opinion on Yuta: fuckboy and full fuckboy at that

Yuta handed your drink and you took a sip while everyone watched, waiting for you to make a face or something

“Really?” Jisung asked, shocked that you didn’t have a problem with it

“Mama didn’t raise no pussy,” you told him, taking another sip 

Yuta handed everyone their drinks (thankfully he gave Chenle and Jisung hardly any in their cups, bless up bitches)

Mark dragged y’all outside where the pool was

and bc there was a pool there, there were a bunch of drunks swimming

and beer pong set up, which meant more drunk party goers

“you still have to meet more people!!” - drunk mark gesturing to literally everyone in the damn building

“this is Ten or Shitty Phone, whichever you prefer,” he said, smiling at a short boy who was engrossed in a game of beer pong

“Doyoung and Jungwoo....” the two boys were terribly dancing to a Chase Atlantic song

“Winwin, Kun, and Taeil..... that should be it.... I don't know half of the people here to be 100% honest with you guys.” 

“Great, thanks! We will leave you to it, dude. I’m sure we will find you later on in the night,” Hyuck said, telling Mark to go and socialize at his own party instead of just standing with the lame high school kids that were there for some reason

jeno and jaemin clung to each other, fighting over who would be on their teams for beer pong while Chenle and Jisung were fascinated by everything

“wanna play beer pong?” Hyuck asked, to which you automatically agreed

let’s just say that wasn’t your first rodeo to beer pong and you knew you could kick some major ass at it

“you and me on a team?” 

“yes, you fool.” 

so you two played against the winner of the game that was going on at the time (Yuta and Taeyong) and completely forgot about your children oof

since they won the previous game, they went first and missed the first shot:)

you and Hyuck did rock paper scissors to see who would go first on your side

you won, so you picked up the ball and got it in a cup on your first try (you go sis!!) 

Yuta and Taeyong looked at each other in shock and also slight worry while Hyuck smugly smirked like //yeah bitch that’s my bff, what’s good//

to make a long story short, you and Hyuck only missed one shot the entire game

Yuta and Taeyong, however, missed seven 

obviously team full sun won

by the time you had played over half the party guests, both you had quite the buzz while Hyuck didn’t drink that much so he was A-Okay

after a short bit of time, you decided “It’s too hot out here” 

“Y/N, so help me God, don’t-” Hyuck started but got stopped mid sentence by buzzed Y/N starting to strip

rip to your favorite jean jacket that was ripped off and thrown into the pool

rest easy queen, you will be missed:(

after that, the party was a blur

you thought they’d play a bunch of rap but they played indie and alternative over the speakers (not that there are any complaints here tbh)

occasionally you’d spot your kids and stop to talk

of course there was a red solo cup in your hand, full of some hard ass liquor that you definitely should not be having

“RENJUNNIE, MY BABY BOY!!!” 

“Y/N, I’m two months older than you-” only to be stopped by a completely drunk Y/N pinching his cheeks 

let’s be real tho: we’d all love to pinch that boy’s cheeks, sober or not

“Y/N, where is Donghyuck?” Renjun asked, slinging an arm around your shoulders and trying to get through a crowd of people to find Hyuck

“I don’t know but I miss him.... can we find him? Oh, wait, can we find Jeno and Jaeminie and Jisungie and Lele? I need to make sure that they’re okay!!” 

“Y/N honey, I think you’re the one that they should be checking on to make sure you’re okay...” 

“Junnie, I love you so much, I hope you know that. I’m so incredibly glad you are in my life, and- oh, is that tequila?! Doyoung, be a doll and pour me a glass of that, would you?” 

cue Renjun trying to motion to Doyoung to stop but doyoung really had nothing to lose so 

you grabbed the cup from doyoung before Renjun could reach it so he was very :)))))) oh really doyoung haha :)))) yotl bitch !! haha :)))

he dragged you to the backyard where donghyuck was talking to mark

“HYUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!” 

about half of the people outside turned to you, who had been practically laying on Renjun

you yelled hyuck’s name with your head down and after a couple of seconds you popped right up like nothing was wrong and walked over to him

him and mark looked at each other like //fuck dude// 

“my boys!!” drunk y/n cooed

you had no idea where jeno or jaemin or Jisung or Chenle were but it was okay bc at least you had three of your sons together

“I want to go swimming. Mark, can I go swimming?” you asked, sounding completely normal for a couple of seconds before cackling and telling everyone that it was a false alarm

“Y/N, honey, I don’t think that is a good idea, please do not go in the-” 

nice try, mark. you tried. 

the devil works hard but shit faced Y/N works harder

within seconds, you ripped off your shirt and shorts and shoes and jumped in

which then caused everyone to stare, which then caused everyone to realize what a good idea swimming was, which then caused everyone to jump in the pool

meanwhile, Hyuck, Mark, Renjun and the others (who were all standing on the side and getting videos of everything your kooky ass did, thanks guys) were in pure shock

never did they ever think that you’d be the difficult drunk

but whaddya know!! life sure is crazy sometimes :)

“Y/N, please get out, Y/N, please-” Renjun kept saying, reaching down for your hand on the side of the pool

you remained unbothered tho

until Hyuck came over and all he did was give you a look but you understood and became very uwu

“hyuckie!! my baby hyuckie!! I love you so much!!” you screamed and swam over to him

he smiled and said, “I love you too, Y/N, but I need you to get out of the pool.” 

“Why?? Are we going to get something else to drink?? Are we going to dance??” 

“Yes we can dance, but only if you get out of the pool,” he said

he helped you out of the pool and put his jacket around you and mouthed to Renjun “get the keys and get in the car”

cue Renjun immediately collecting the others and bolting to the car

“Donghyuckie!! Can we talk to Mark before we go and get another drink??” 

“Yes, sweetheart, let’s go say goodbye to him and thank him for inviting us, yeah?” 

“Are we leaving so soon?” 

“Yes, unfortunately we have to go home.”

“But why?”

“Because the party will be done soon and we have to go and get Jisung and Chenle home before their bedtime.”

“TIME TO TUCK IN THE BABIES!!” 

“Yes, exactly!! Now say bye to Mark!! Bye, Mark, thank you for inviting us!!” 

“Bye, Mark, I love you! I will miss you so much, thank you for inviting me! I love you so much, I- I would kill someone for you, you know that? I will literally murder someone if it means you are happy. I will do it. You say the word and I will cut off the problem immediately, and-” 

mark was fucking shaking in his boots but also slightly flattered??

wow, get you a best friend that is as dedicated as you are to mark

mark cut you off by hugging you and giving Hyuck a look that said //get her home right now lmao she is fucking wasted//

so before you got the chance to run off (Hyuck already knew you were gonna do that smh) Hyuck threw you over his shoulder and carried you out

Renjun, jeno, jaemin, Chenle and Jisung followed and watched as angry y/n pounded on hyuck’s shoulders and back because she wanted put down

“DOYOUNG! TAEYONG! MAKE HYUCK PUT ME DOWN!” 

“sorry, sweetheart,” Taeyong said, knowing that Hyuck wasn’t doing that just for the fun of it

“JOHNNY, TEN, YUTA, WINWIN PLEASE HELP ME!!!” 

they laughed, and Yuta said, “Nope, looks like Donghyuck has everything under control.” 

JUNGWOO, KUN, LUCAS GET ME DOWN- JAEHYUN, PLEASE HELP-” 

meanwhile, Jeno had his phone out and recorded the whole thing

Hyuck managed to make it through the party and to the car without losing anyone

AND without you causing any serious damage to his back

Renjun ran to the car first and unlocked it and started it up 

Renjun got in the driver’s seat, Jisung got in the passenger seat, and the rest of y’all piled in the back

again, illegal, don't do that

also don’t drink underage

you sprawled out on everyone’s laps, your feet on jaemin’s lap and head on hyuck’s lap

“Hyuckie, play with my hair please,” you whined, looking up at him with puppy dog eyes

of course he played with your hair, he wasn’t a damn idiot and also heard you talking about how you’d kill for mark so.....

“Renjun, take the backway, there is almost never any cops there.” 

“I know.” 

Renjun tried his best to drive home as quick as he could even though he had your ass in the back of the car

“Can we stop at McDonald’s?” 

“No, Y/N.” 

“But chicken nuggets!!” 

“We have those at home.” 

“No we don’t!!” 

“No nuggets, Y/N.” 

and then you started crying real tears because no nuggets:(

but finally you guys got home safe, thank you Renjun

the people in front got out first, then jeno and jaemin who were by your feet

Chenle and donghyuck helped you out, helping you walk since you were too wobbly to do it yourself

Renjun unlocked your front door and everyone went inside

they all practically lived there so they knew where the blankets and pillows were, and they went into the kitchen to get snacks

Jeno ran upstairs to get clothes that the boys had left there before in case of an emergency sleepover

Hyuck helped you up the stairs

“Do you want to take a shower?” he asked you

“Yes. Can you bring me clean pajamas please?” 

“Yeah, go jump in the shower and I’ll lay them on the toilet.” 

You somehow managed to shower without throwing up or falling over and when you got out you found new pajamas laying on the toilet and that Hyuck had taken your dirty clothes (aka your bra and underwear and his jacket since you stripped at the party)

you stumbled to your room, where Hyuck sat on your bed and played with the frayed end of one of your blankets

“I got you a glass of water and medicine,” he said when you walked in the room

you flopped down on the bed next to him and laid face down on your pillow

“Are you okay?”  

“Mmmmmmmphghapppp” (y’all know what that means)

“I’m going to go downstairs now-” 

“Don’t.” 

he couldn’t hear you because you mumbled, so he walked away but before he was out of your reach you grabbed his arm and said, “Stay.” 

he stood still for a couple of seconds, just processing what you said

finally, he laid down next to you and rubbed your back bc he knew you were feeling very not so good

“You okay?” 

“No. I feel terrible,” you told him, not slurring your words anymore (yay!) 

“Well, you drank a shit ton, so I’m not surprised.” 

“I don’t think I’m ever going to drink that much ever again,” you groaned, rolling over to look at him

Hyuck smiled, but noticed you rolled over to look at him

poor boy was so whipped that he stared into your eyes and didn’t even realize it

“What are you looking at?” you asked, smirking a bit

“You.” 

your brows went up and all you could think was //oh shit//

“I like you,” Hyuck boldly admitted, deciding that that was it, enough was enough, 

he was going to finally admit his crush on you after five years

it was like he was the drunk one and not you

you responded with a stunned silence

“How could you not know? I’ve liked you since we first met. Any time I’m around you, I feel safe, I feel- I feel like me, like I can breathe, like I can do anything I put my heart to. You give me butterflies in my stomach, you make me dizzy, you give me reason to try and do my best in life. It’s you, Y/N.”

o o f

y/n.exe has stopped working

“That’s good to hear,” you said, smiling and blushing

“Why?” Hyuck asked, confusion and scared bc he just laid his heart out to you

“Because the feeling is mutual.” 

Hyuck immediately broke out into a big smile and started giggling

“I’d kiss you but I’m still kind of drunk and fee shitty and my mouth probably tastes like alcohol.” 

he smiled and then yawned, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you into his chest

“I really shouldn’t be doing this in case you throw up but I don’t really care, this is... nice,” Hyuck whispered into your hair

“But the lights are on and hurting my head,” you whined, wrapping your arms around his waist and snuggling closer

“I’m too lazy to get up..... RENJUN!!” 

cue tired Renjun running up the stairs bc he thought something was genuinely wrong

Renjun burst into the room yelling “IS EVERYTHING OKAY? WHA- yo what the fuck?” 

“Shhhhh, she’s asleep. Can you turn the lights off please? I’m scared to move and piss her off,” Hyuck sheepishly asked, partially lying

there was a reason he yelled for Renjun

he knew Renjun wouldn’t make a big deal out of it but if you or Hyuck ever crossed him, he’d tell everyone in a heart beat

so all you guys had to do was not do him dirty and y’all would be okay !!

you fell asleep in hyuck’s arms and woke up a couple hours later with one bitch of a hangover

but you being you, you wanted to cook food for the boys so you forced yourself to get out of bed

somehow you got away from Hyuck without waking him up

you went downstairs and saw jeno, jaemin, Renjun, Chenle, and Jisung all in one big pile on your living room floor, blankets and pillows thrown everywhere

you took a picture of the boys to use as blackmail (but also because those boys were your best friends and the most important people in your life and wanted to treasure one of the rare moments where everyone was 100% peaceful and calm)

you started cooking pancakes and bacon, all while nursing a hangover

Jisung was the first one to get up, and he wandered into the kitchen half asleep with bedhead

he sat down at the dining room table and zoned out

you set a glass of orange juice down in front of him and ruffled his hair, saying “Close your mouth, you’ll catch flies.” 

one by one the boys woke up and wandered to the source of the delicious smell coming from the kitchen

“Y/N, are you wearing sunglasses?” Jeno asked, stealing a piece of bacon and going into the dining room

“Yes. Don’t steal any more bacon, you fucker.” 

donghyuck was the last one to get up, so he stumbled into the kitchen and didn’t even notice the glasses, but he saw you and

homeboy

homeboy done did it

he gave you a back hug

in front of all of the kids ?! 

you weren’t upset about it tho lol

he rested his head on your shoulder and said, “Damn, we knew you were a classy bitch but you didn’t have to flex on us this early in the morning.” 

“Hyuck it’s literally 11 in the morning and I have a hangover,” you told him, leaving your spot to take the food over to the table

Hyuck smirked and sat down next to you, avoiding the many stares of the others

others including mark, who randomly was sitting at your dining room table?? you asked no questions

“Close your mouths, you all look like trout,” you replied to the stares, putting a couple of pancakes and bacon on your plate

“Are you guys going to explain or should I ask what in the fuck is going on?” Jaemin asked, cutting right to the chase

and of course Renjun sipped on his orange juice, knowing exactly what in the fuck was going on

“I mean.... Y/N is cute or whatever so....” Hyuck announced, blushing and trying to act tough but failing miserably

“He’s alright I guess...” 

“Well it’s about damn time!” mark exclaimed

“Mark how the fuck did you get in my house?” 

“I still have the spare key your parents gave me four years ago,” he admitted, shoving his face full of pancakes

the rest of breakfast was spent eating with your boys and reviewing the night before

you said, “I DID WHAT?!” at least ten times (I can’t say I blame you tbh)

by the end of breakfast, everyone was full and had laughed so much that their stomach hurt

they all helped you clean up and do the dishes (angels!!) and then it was time for everyone to leave:(

since some of the boys lived close, they just walked home

but Renjun and jisung’s parents had to pick them up (and since hello!! your parents weren’t home!! they had their parents pick them up from hyuck’s house next door, oooo clever boys)

and since you and Hyuck were ever so kind, y’all drove mark back to his frat

Hyuck drove tho, you were still too fucked up to drive so you sat in the passenger seat and mark was in the back blabbering away

when everyone except for you and Hyuck had gone, it was.... pretty nice

instead of beating around the bush, y’all got right to the chase

“want to go on a date on Saturday?” Donghyuck asked, not caring to phrase it differently since the feeling was mutual 

“Yeah, sounds good, text me details,” you said, giving him one last hug before he went home

as soon as he got home, the boy texted you details for your date (a moment he had been dreaming about since middle school)

and let’s be real, you had been waiting for that moment for a really long time and you’re glad drunk y/n was impulsive because hey! 

you snagged the best boyfriend ever! and there is nothing you wouldn’t do for him, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you!

[gillianfoster]

hey nerd here’s your special fic preview @basinhounds

Ever since Eddie was born, his soulmate mark had been illegible. His mother all but ignored it. She said it was a mess. When he’d been born, and it had been smaller and practically just a solid bar, she always said that she and Eddie’s father had doubted it was even a real soul mark. As he’d gotten older, it still never got clearer than two utterly messy squiggles, and it seemed like his mother was determined it would never amount to anything.

Sometimes Eddie would stand in front of the mirror and just stare at the signature on his hip, trying to make it out. He would stand there for hours, guessing and second guessing. For the first hour he’d think maybe the first letter was a B, then he’d think it was an R, then he’d think it was a D. Around hour four, everything stopped looking like a letter and started looking like thick, black scribbles that no one would ever be able to read. Then Eddie would give up, and take a shower, and not look at his mark again for weeks and weeks, as long as he could avoid it.

If there was a person behind his mark - if it wasn’t just all some big fucking joke from the universe and he did actually have a soulmate, somehow - Eddie knew their only hope was his own signature, on them. He had practiced his handwriting constantly growing up, day in and day out, and he made his signature as neat and as legible as he possibly could, just in case. He knew the mark was based on a particular signature, and it was already there, but it made him feel better somehow. It was the one hope he had.

When Eddie met Bill and Stan and Richie, when they were kids, none of them could read their soulmate’s signatures, so none of them felt left out. None of them had even really understood what a soulmate was - it had barely been explained.

As they get older, they learn to read cursive writing - Stan is the first of them to really master it. Bill’s always been the only one of them with his soul mark in a really visible place, right on his arm. It wasn’t a name any of them knew yet, then, but Stan helps Bill read it, and it’s obvious that Bill would never forget it. Mike Hanlon is the name. Apparently. His signature is written in thin, slanted letters that were still fairly small on Bill’s arm.

They’re still fairly young, around 10, when Richie and Eddie are lying on Eddie’s bed and reading comics and Richie turns to him. “Eds-”

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie says automatically.

“Eddie,” Richie says, and it sounds like he’s being serious for once.

Eddie closes his Fantastic Four comic and turns to face Richie. “What is it, Rich?”

“Do you, uh. Do you know what your signature says? Your one. Is it... What does it say?”

Eddie blushes, and looks down at his bed. “I don’t know. I can’t read it. Neither can my mom. Neither can Stan. I tried to get him to help. Nobody can read it. I’m not even sure it’s... a name. Or anything. Sometimes I think it might be a fake one or something.”

“Oh. Can that happen?”

Eddie shakes his head, and shrugs, and Richie doesn’t say anything else. Part of Eddie wants to ask what Richie’s says, but he bites his tongue instead, so hard it hurts. He doesn’t want to know. Even then, he was scared to know.

They all get older. They meet Ben, who’s met Bev, and the two of them join the group. They’re not really together yet, but they’ve identified their own signatures on each other, and they sit close and whisper and Ben blushes every time Bev gets close, and Eddie can barely stand to look at them sometimes, and then he hates himself for it.

He loves them both, they’re his friends, and he found himself caring about them quickly. He’s glad they’re happy - but he’s also getting closer and closer to thinking he doesn’t have a soulmate. It hurts. It makes him angry. He doesn’t like the way jealousy rises up in his chest, sticks in his throat, but he can’t seem to stop it.

Sometimes he scratches at the mark on his hip like that’ll make it change or go away, scratches until the skin around it is red and angry and it stings, and then he’s glad again that it’s hidden easily under his clothes.

They’re all 16 when they meet Mike. The great, mythical, Mike Hanlon. He’s good and strong and he smiles at Bill and his whole face lights up. They’re perfect for each other.

Eddie really can’t be around them. He loves Mike, too, loves when he can sit among all seven of them and pretend he’s normal and they’re all only friends and that they all love each other equally as much - but he knows it isn’t true.

He still hangs out with Richie, alone, because he feels comfortable with Richie. Even Stan has a name he can read, he knows who his soulmate is, too, he just hasn’t met him yet. Richie never talks about that stuff.

One day they’re at the quarry and Eddie finally forces himself to ask. “Rich. What’s your mark say? Your signature?”

Richie drops the rock he was holding and turns his head so fast his glasses nearly fall off. He pushes them back up. “Uh. Why, Eds?”

“Just. You asked me about mine like a million years ago, I never asked about yours. Is there something wrong with yours too?”

“It, uh. I mean. I can read it.”

“Oh. What’s it say?”

Richie picks up another rock, turns to look down at the water again. “...Amy Thompson.”

“Like from school?”

“No, not like - I mean we don’t match. She’s got somebody else’s name so that’s. I mean either it’s another Amy Thompson, cause it’s like a name, right, or we’re just. Mismatched somehow.”

“Can that... Can that happen?” Eddie asks, quietly.

Richie shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s possible, isn’t it?”

“Did you have her sign her name to check?”

Richie tosses the rock, then turns around. “I’m not even sure I believe in soulmates, Eds. I mean if yours is all fucked up and people can get matched wrong, and then there’s. There’s too many people around here who shouldn’t fucking be together or got hurt trying to be with somebody just because some shitty birthmark, basically, says they should, it’s all just bullshit.”

Eddie blinks at him. “What about Bill and Mike? Or Ben and Bev?”

Scoffing, Richie kicks at the dirt, looks down at his own dirty Vans. “Fucking good for them, I guess.”

The tone in Richie’s voice is familiar because Eddie’s felt it, too. Feels it, all the time. He stands up and walks over, nudging at Richie’s shoulder. “Rich...” He says quietly. He pulls Richie towards him, and Richie actually comes.

Richie’s arms go around Eddie’s waist, and Eddie’s go around Richie’s shoulders, and Richie puts his face against Eddie’s neck, and Eddie even slides a hand into Richie’s curls. They stand there, in the chill, holding each other. It’s almost enough. Not quite, but almost.

He and Richie have always gravitated towards each other, for whatever reason. Now they spend more time together than ever. With both of them having given up hope, they find comfort in each other. It’s not the same - and Eddie isn’t sure if the others think it is or not - but he and Richie are both able to go back to spending more time with the group. They lean against each other, and Eddie finds his jealousy eases a little. He’s not alone in his hopeless mess - he and Richie are both alone, and that’s completely different.

Now when the seven of them hang out, it’s BillandMike and BenandBev and Stan  - and then Richie and Eddie, not quite all one word, but still set apart together somehow.

They watch movies at Bill’s house, and Stan takes the only single chair. The rest of them curl up on the floor in pairs - or Richie and Eddie tend to take the couch, Richie sprawled over it with his head in Eddie’s lap. Sometimes he reaches up and flicks at the ends of Eddie’s hair, where it’s started to curl up.

“You should keep letting your hair grow out, Eds. It’s cute.”

“What, so we can match? How ridiculous would that be?”

Richie hums, looking up at him. “No, your hair is lighter than mine. And it’s softer. It’s different.”

“True, I like yours better.” Eddie ruffles both of his hands through Richie’s curls, mussing them up completely, and Richie laughs and grabs at his wrists.

“God, stop it, dipshit.”

Eddie grins down at him. His hands slide down to Richie’s face. “Yeah? Why should I?”

“Got a hot date with your mom tonight, that’s why,” Richie says with a wink, and Eddie scoffs and smacks the back of his head, lightly.

Interactions like this are commonplace now, so none of the other losers really react, focused on the movie or each other or generally just ignoring Richie and Eddie. Stan smirks at them a little, Bill seems to be smiling, too, but Eddie doesn’t really mind. He’s warm, and he can go back to running his fingers through Richie’s soft curls, and surrounded by his friends and with Richie so close, he feels whole. It doesn’t feel like there’s some part of him missing.

Things stay like that for a year or so. He and Richie are close, and comfortable, but not romantic in the traditional sense. There’s no kissing, except the occasional kiss on the cheek, and there’s definitely no sex, but other than that he and Richie are draped all over each other, touching constantly more often than not.

Then everything has to go to hell - because of course it does.

He and Richie have decided to apply to schools together, so they’re filling out applications in Eddie’s room, alone. They help each other figure out what to put, and Eddie even fills out some of Richie’s forms for him, because his handwriting is shit. Except obviously Eddie can’t sign it for Richie.

“Here, you just need to sign it down there at the bottom.”

“Eds, your handwriting is so much nicer than mine,  you know mine’s shit, can’t you just do it?”

“Rich, you’re basically signing, like, a contract, that’s so illegal. There’s no way I’m signing your name for you. Just sign it.”

Richie huffs out a sigh and scribbles a little signature on the line.

Only Eddie would know that little signature even if he was brain dead, he would practically recognize it from feel, with his eyes closed. He would know the shapes from miles away. For a second, he thinks maybe his heart stops.

“Richie-” he chokes out, but he is nearly choking, definitely panicking, and Richie’s immediately crawling over to put his hands on Eddie’s face.

“Eddie, baby, what is it? Come on, breathe. God, my signature’s not that bad, is it?”

Somehow, even near tears and halfway into a panic attack, Eddie laughs. It’s wheezy and pathetic, but he gets it out.

Then, because it’s Richie, and only Richie could do that - make him laugh at a time like this, get him to start calming down, touch his face and call him baby and just leave Eddie leaning into the touch - Eddie starts freaking out all over again.

Eddie knows what Richie’s signature said. Richie told him. Amy Thompson, but not like Amy Thompson at school. Even if Richie doesn’t believe, even if he thinks the whole thing is bullshit, Eddie’s signature isn’t the one on Richie’s skin.

There’s finally a person behind the mark on Eddie’s skin, proof that it isn’t just some cruel joke - except that it is. Eddie’s got the signature of the person he loves most in the world right on his hip, but it also turns out that Richie was right - mismatches can happen. And they have.

He spends the rest of the time he takes to calm down his breathing thinking of what he’s going to tell Richie. He could tell him the truth, but he refuses to ruin what they’ve got - it’s good. It’s the closest Eddie is ever going to get to his soulmate. He won’t fuck that up.

His breathing calms down, and Richie asks again, “Eds, what is it?”

Eddie’s breathing is calmer, he can speak, and he’s got his excuse all settled. “I just. It sort of. Became real? When you signed it, I just realized that we’re doing this, the whole. College thing and we’re gonna go off, and like, God what if you get in somewhere you really wanna go and they don’t accept me, then what are we gonna do?”

Richie sighs at him, seemingly partly with relief, and smiles softly. “Eds. Don’t be silly. We’re gonna go somewhere we both get in - we picked a whole fucking. List of schools. I’m not gonna just run off without you. What would I do without my little Eddie Spaghetti?” He says that, and he starts pressing smacking kisses all over Eddie’s face, and Eddie starts to laugh and blush at the same time, overwhelmed by the silliness of it but also by just how sweet and affectionate the gesture really is.

Once Richie’s winded down, he presses one last kiss against Eddie’s temple, and then lays down on top of Eddie, covering him like a blanket. Eddie puts one hand in Richie’s hair, and another just resting on his back.

“I mean it, Eds,” Richie says quietly. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”

It feels a little like someone’s twisting a knife in Eddie’s chest, but he smiles still. “You’d better not.”

The realization that Richie is his soulmate - but that he’s also not Richie’s - doesn’t change as much as Eddie feels like it should. It changes the way he sees Richie, maybe, a little - but Eddie also has the sneaking suspicion that feeling has always been there, and he just hadn’t been ready to acknowledge it.

Now, kissing Richie is most of what he thinks about. If he wakes up next to Richie - and he nearly always does - he spends some time watching him sleep, looking at the bridge of his nose, the areas just below his eyes, where Richie’s freckles are prominent and where his glasses are normally in the way. Once, Eddie presses a kiss there, just a gentle one at Richie’s cheekbone, and Richie just wakes up and smiles at him - and Eddie nearly dies, just overwhelmed by it all, but it turns out he only feels like he was having a heart attack.

Other times he just sits and watches Richie talk - he’s always listened, but now sometimes he gets distracted from listening to Richie talk by watching him talk instead. If he gets too dazed, Richie will poke him or nudge him or even deliberately brush over a ticklish spot to pull Eddie back into the conversation.

It’s pure chance, the day it happens. The fact that it happens just three weeks before graduation, that it happens after they’ve known each other for over ten years, that it happens when it does and not somehow ages and ages before - Eddie can’t find a reason.

But finally, one morning, Eddie wakes up, and he and Richie have kicked off all the sheets in the night. Richie’s pyjama bottoms have ridden down, and his shirt has ridden up, and the skin on his hip is actually visible.

Eddie knows looking will only hurt, but he does it anyways.

Only instead of any girl’s signature, what he finds there is his own neat, practiced signed name. Eddie Kaspbrak.

Immediately, it feels like Eddie’s lungs are going to collapse. He tries to calm down, but he wakes up Richie in the process - only this time, when Richie gets that concerned look in his eyes, and reaches over, Eddie shoves him away, breathing on his own - or trying to.

He starts to gesture, and Richie looks down himself and seems to realize what’s happened. He goes completely pale, and pulls his shirt down, covering up Eddie’s name just as quickly as Eddie had accidentally first read it, only minutes ago.

“Eds. Eddie. Look, it’s not - I mean I can’t change the name I’ve got, I can’t change what’s on here, If I could-”

Eddie can’t hear the end of that sentence, can’t imagine why Richie would have lied, so still hyperventilating, he goes into the bathroom and locks himself in, going straight to his knees on the floor because it feels like his heart just rose up into his throat, just imagining that Richie might have finished that sentence If I could I would.

He hears Richie outside, smacking his open hands against the door. “Eddie, don’t. Please don’t.”

“You lied, why would you lie? Why’d you lie?” He finally forces out - but it’s as thick in his throat and as breathless with panic as Eddie has ever managed in his life.

“I didn’t... Eddie I don’t wanna do this through a door.”

Eddie closes his eyes, and feels his head thump back against the door. The linoleum in the bathroom is cold on his legs, too hard to sit on comfortably. There’s nowhere he’d rather be than back in bed with Richie, warm and comfortable and almost happy.

Except Richie knew. Richie’s known this whole time, since he could read the writing, and he never told Eddie. Richie’s known since they were teenagers, and he knew about Eddie’s name in neat handwriting on his hip, and he said it’s all just bullshit. Eddie thinks about the fact that Richie’s never kissed him on the mouth, and how apparently it’s all just been intentional.

“I don’t want to do this at all. Can you leave, please?”

“Eds...”

“Don’t call me that. Just. Leave, Richie.”

He hears footsteps, then, and there’s a finality in them. Sitting on the bathroom floor, he starts to cry.

Except the footsteps come back, after a few minutes, like Richie only got downstairs before he changed his mind. “Eddie. Please just let me explain. Don’t... Can you just open the door? Don’t make me leave like this.”

“...Give me a minute.”

Eddie can’t make it look like he wasn’t crying, but he wipes his tears and stands up. He tries to pull himself up to his full height, to seem more put together than he really is, but it can only do so much when Richie’s still taller than him. He’s hoping that at least his posture will make him seem more composed than he feels, because he feels like the last stitch holding him together just finally fell out and like he’s going to just collapse into pieces at any moment. He opens the door.

Richie looks up at him and then back down at the floor.

“I. I knew your mark was... inconclusive, or what the fuck ever. You told me. When we were kids. So when I knew mine was you, but yours didn’t have to be me, I figured you had an out. I wanted to let you have it. Only then you asked me, and I didn’t know how to tell you that everything just... was shit, you know, so I sort of lied. Not completely, because I let you think I was mismatched, but I didn’t want you to feel bad. I just figured with yours all fucked and mine matched to you with no way to-”

“Mine’s not fucked up, you idiot.”

Richie blinked at him. “What? What does that mean?”

“It means I.... It means I figured it out. A while ago. While we were still applying for colleges. Before we’d got our stuff back.”

“...Who is it?” Richie looks anxious, and annoyed, and Eddie loves him but he’s also completely fed up.

“Just... look at it.” Eddie pulls up his own shirt, pushes down his pyjama shorts, and watches as the realization dawns on Richie’s face.

“That’s why you had a panic attack when we were applying for college.”

“Yeah. Because that’s the only thing that was fucked up. Was your fucking... shitty handwriting.”

“Then why did you lie?”

Eddie frowns at Richie. “You told me yours was Amy Thompson! I thought we were-” His voice gets stuck in his throat for a moment. “After all that shit you said, I thought you were right, I thought mine was fucked up and we were mismatched, because that would be about my fucking luck, after all the trouble it’s given me. So I didn’t say anything or do anything because there was supposed to be some girl out there you were matched to, probably, you were just... Not gonna find her for a while or maybe didn’t want to, but I wasn’t going to take the option away from you like that.” He pauses, thinking for a second he’s done, but then he remembers why he’d really been upset in the first place. “But you! You... Rich, you knew the whole time that I was yours, and whatever your stupid reasons, you knew mine was just unreadable, but I. I used to practice my handwriting so it would be neat, I used to sign everything for practice, you used to watch me do it. I thought the only way, that it... I was doing it so they. You’d. Whoever could... Read it and know. But you... And then you haven’t...” He trails off. He can’t say any of the things he wants to do - he’s too scared. This is all bad enough without him making it worse.

“I haven’t what?”

“You just never said anything. And you could have. I don’t know.”

Richie sighs. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied, Eds. Do you still want me to go?”

The fact that Richie knows they’re matched and he’s just offering to go brings the pain back to Eddie’s chest. “Do you want to go?” he asks.

“That’s really up to you, it’s your house.”

It’s obvious that Richie doesn’t really seem to want to stay - he hasn’t reached out to touch Eddie at all - but Eddie still can’t be the one to tell him to go. He just shakes his head. “You’re the one that thinks all this stuff is bullshit - I think that decision’s up to you.”

There’s a moment of quiet, and Eddie walks past Richie, carefully not touching him, and goes back to his room. Even his skin seems to ache at this point. There’s just pain, all over him. Once he’s in his own room, he can’t sit down on the bed - because it’ll still be warm, and smell like Richie. He just stands, in the middle of everything, and wraps his own arms around himself.

“I don’t really know that I’d say it’s bullshit,” Richie says from the door.

Eddie’s surprised, and he turns back to face him.

“I mean. There’s something here, right? And like you said last time, Mike and Bill are happy, Ben and Bev are happy, and I’m happy for them, I’m just. I’m jealous, too,” Richie continues.

“Yeah. I know. I was, too,” Eddie replies.

“You were?”

“Well before we... I mean before there were two of us, you know? Ever since we talked that day and things were... A little different, you know, I felt better. I guess with things... You know since this is... We’re... Whatever, that makes sense. Right?” Eddie can’t say that they’re soulmates, or a match, or whatever they might be, because he’s terrified that Richie won’t agree.

“You mean since we match?”

Eddie looks down at the ground, shrugs. “Yeah. That.”

There’s a pause. “Do you think... Do you think maybe there can be platonic soulmates?”

It’s the thing Eddie had feared most, but also thought Richie might say. He feels his shoulders curl in a little. “I don’t know. It’s possible. I don’t... know enough about this, Rich,” he says in a small voice.

“Eds, I can’t figure out what you want me to do.”

Eddie feels a little of his anger return. How the hell is he supposed to tell Richie what he wants when Richie is so reluctant about everything, asking about platonic soulmates and standing on the other side of the fucking room? “You’ve never kissed me,” Eddie blurts out, and then he immediately bites his own lip so hard it hurts, like it can stop the words that already escaped.

“I- What?”

“You’ve never... You’ve known this whole time that I was yours, and we’ve been doing whatever it is we’re doing for like a year and a half, and I’m pretty sure everyone else thinks we’re already matched or whatever but you’ve never... done anything like that or even tried. I mean there’s like kisses on the cheek and stuff and that one time after I freaked out about your signature, but... I don’t know why you’re asking me about staying platonic when it’s pretty obvious what you wanna do, I’m not gonna ask you to do stuff just to make an idiot out of myself. You won’t even touch me right now. I’ll be platonic, I’ll do whatever you want, just. Don’t. Don’t let it mean I have to go to college alone, or that everything’s fucked up.”

“You think I don’t wanna kiss you?”

Eddie can’t bring himself to look up. Richie still hasn’t moved, and now Eddie knows he’s fucked everything up, so he just shrugs a little. The answer is that he knows Richie doesn’t want to kiss him, but he’s determined to stay shut up.

“Eddie. Eds. C’mere.”

He looks up, and Richie puts a hand on his shoulder, and that’s all it takes before he’s wrapped his arms around Richie’s waist like he’s going to disappear, holding him more tightly that he really should, probably. Richie holds him just as tightly, though, and Eddie melts against him, finally able to relax, finally able to breathe again. “I’m sorry,” he mutters against Richie’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, too, Eds. I mean. Mostly I’m sorry about my fucking shit handwriting, but I’m sorry about lying, too, it was - that was fucking stupid. I’m sorry.”

Eddie lifts his head up and blinks at Richie, who close up is clearly as upset as Eddie is. Eddie reaches up and pushes his curls off his face with one hand. “It doesn’t really matter, Rich, I just. I freaked out because I was scared about how you’d react, as long as... As long as we’re okay, it doesn’t matter.”

“Are we okay?” Richie asks, blatantly nervous. His eyes are big and worried behind his glasses, and Eddie still feels a little of that, but it shrinks and shrinks while Richie’s holding him.

“Yeah, Rich. Of course we are.” Eddie leans up to kiss Richie on the cheek, and then moves back again, but Richie catches him with a hand on the back of his neck.

They’re so close their noses are still brushing. “Eds...” Richie says quietly, and then he presses his lips against Eddie’s, just briefly.

The last of Eddie’s uncertainty fades as he blinks it away. “Oh,” he whispers. Then he leans up and presses his lips against Richie’s, kissing him back, but this time the kiss turns desperate with obvious want.

They only barely know what they’re doing, but Eddie presses as close as he can and licks into Richie’s mouth, and bites at his lower lip, because now he finally, finally can.

When they pull apart, Richie’s eyes are wide and dark, his pupils dilated. His lips are a little swollen, and Eddie can’t help leaning in for one last kiss, a gentler, lingering one against Richie’s still parted lips.

“So... not platonic, then,” Richie says as Eddie pulls away again.

Eddie laughs, helplessly, and leans forward with it so his cheek brushes against Richie’s and then he’s pressed his nose and face right at Richie’s jaw, staying as close as he can. “Yeah, no. Not exactly.”

“Yeah, good. That’s good with me. I can handle that.”

Pulling back, Eddie looks up at him again, and they both smile. “I love you,” Eddie says, unable to hold it back. Only they say that all the time, so he pauses, revises his statement. “I mean. I’m in love with you. I have been for... a while. Maybe the whole time.”

“Yeah, well, we’re soulmates, aren’t we? Makes sense that you can’t resist me.”

“Richie,” Eddie says with annoyance - but he’s still smiling, too. He pokes Richie in the side for it, still.

“Alright. I love you, too, obviously, I’m also in love with you, you’re fucking perfect and it’s ridiculous that somehow you got stuck with me but I’m also fucking delighted. Better?”

Eddie kisses Richie again. He can’t seem to stop. “No, not exactly, because you’re being ridiculous, but it is better, so I’ll take it. I’m not stuck with you. I love you. You’re my soulmate. Asshole.”

“See? You know I’m an asshole.”

“Stop it!” Eddie says, but he’s grinning, because Richie is, too. Still, he shoves Richie and they both topple onto the bed, and Eddie leans in and presses kisses all over Richie’s face, copying what Richie did to him the day Eddie had first seen his signature.

Richie laughs, too, and grabs his face and eventually pulls Eddie into a real kiss to make him stop. When they pull apart from that, they just lie there, Eddie on top of Richie, Richie looking up into his eyes, and they stare.

“You’re really stuck with me now. For college, and everything else,” Richie says.

“Yeah, good. You’re not getting rid of me either. Not anymore.”

Eddie finally lays down, fully on top of Richie, and Richie puts his arms around Eddie’s waist to keep him there, and they’re RichieandEddie after all.

[youre-pretty-gay]

You Have a Pretty (Gay) Soul [Ch. 2]

It didn't take long for Philip's mom to come get them from the office. The first thing she did when she entered the room was grap Philip's face and ask if he was alright. What Ryan didn't expect, though, was hug from her as well and a quiet "Thank you," into his ear. Ryan didn't really know how but Francine (Philip's mother - she told him right before they all left) somehow got permission to bring Ryan home with them. (He had to feign pain, showing the nurse the bruises and bloody nose the jock had left him with. He also had to pretend to actually know Philip, who had meekly stated that Ryan was his best friend.) Now he was sitting with his hands in his lap in the backseat next to a basket of fresh laundry, staring at whatever passed by outside. It was a quiet and an easy, comfortable silence that drowned the sounds of the radio. "Your name's Ryan, right?" He flicked his eyes to Francine in the driver's seat, who looked at him through the mirror. He couldn't help but notice the similarity between Philip and her; the same dark skin, the chestnut wavy hair, hell, Philip even had her eyes (not that he spent too much time looking at them, he'd just noticed the midnight shade of blue they were). "Yes ma'am," he hummed out, occupying himself with the hem on his gloves. "You should probably give your parents a call when we get home, okay sweetie? I'll get you some ice for your eye." The rest of the drive was rode in silence, and he could've sworn he heard Philip's breathing deepen in the front seat. Was he sleeping? It felt like eternity he was in the car, just watching the overlooming trees covering backyards and sidewalks. Ryan saw a few younger kids playing in front of a house, playing with a bunch of jacks and a bouncy ball. When was the last time he's seen anyone play with those? When they entered the driveway, Philip had jolted awake in his sleep, groaning at the dull pain in his head from smacking it against the window. Ryan had to stiffle a laugh, covering his mouth with his hand. Everyone got out  at once, or tried, at least. Seems the back doors were baby proofed. Philip had to open the door for him, and when Ryan got out, his eyes drifted to his hair. It was still damp but it wasn't dripping onto the collar of his jacket anymore. Ryan helped Philip into the house, refusing to let go of his hand when the brunette tried to steal his hand away, letting out an embarrassing girlish squeal. It had practically taken him to drag the boy up to the house with the slight limp that Philip was giving. Everyone was inside now, and Ryan felt a bit out of place while he was there in the entrance hallway, numbly walking behind Philip. His mother was ahead of them talking, but he didn't really pay attention. He silently wondered when Philip had started leading him through the corridor instead of Ryan, but he didn't mind. His hand was being pulled along, too, and he smiled slightly. Phiip was escorted to the bathroom by his mother, while Ryan sat on the couch with a small bag of ice wrapped in a dish towel pressed to his jaw. He took the momentary silence to call his mom, quietly glancing around the living room he was in. It took a bit of persuading and a lot of "Are you okay?'s" before he hung up the phone and leaned his sore head back to listen to faint noises of running water and loud off-key humming. The sound made Ryan smile and the forgotten pain in his hand returned. It was more numbing this time, and his the back of his hand felt wet. In all honesty, Ryan knew Philip was his soul mate from when he first seen the boy being held with his face in the toilet. He knew that something was off even before he stepped into the bathroom - the feeling was there: not in his hand, but in him. Ryan truly didn't want to believe that Philip was his because it was really uncommon to get a soul mate of the same sex. It wasn't as rare as he thought, though. Emily and Ashley were paired together and they seemed happy to be in each other's company. He was also scared. What would Philip's mom think? Or worse. What would Ryan's parents think? Ryan's mother and father weren't even paired together. It's not like it was illegal to marry outside of your soul mate, or mates, in some cases. It was just very taboo. The fact that they were both guys made him antsy, too. He racked his hand through his blond locks and hummed out a loud sigh. Did Philip even know they were soul mates? Ryan pressed the palm of his hand right above his breast, feeling their heartbeats together. He couldn't tell who's was who's, but someone was shockingly calm. Ryan wished he could say that was his - and maybe it was? Maybe the nerves he was feeling was actually Philip's, but he added a different reasoning behind them. The poor kid was almost drowned in the most unsanitary way possible. Before he realized, Philip was sitting in the recliner next to the couch, watching Ryan lean over and fantasize about everything that could and would probably go wrong, When Ryan did notice him, though, he took a long look over the boy. Philip sat with his legs underneath him, drawled into the chair. His hair was styled into a sloppy bun at the nape of his neck which looked oddly tame against the brigade of curls his bangs were. He was constantly pushing them out of his eyes. Oh, god, he really did have his mother's eyes. They shared the same tempting deep blue hue to them. Philip had a simple white tank top on and a thick pair of sweatpants on. He looked away when he realized that he was technically staring - and there it was: that drawled out silence that should've been deafening, but it was oddly comforting, and Ryan had to focus on silencing the pounding in his chest. "Mom's got your jacket in the washer," he said, breaking said silence. Ryan leaned his head up to look at him properly and replied, "yeah, thanks." "C-can we talk?" Philip had to pause to move himself into a more comfortable position, and with a quick glance over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't being watched, he continued. "I'd really like to get to know you better, if you wanna, too. You don't have to, I mean! I know it's.. Can we go to my room? It's privater, and I don't know if you," he stopped short, probably because Ryan was already starting to get up. Philip got up too and rubbed his wrist, turning away to lead the blond to his room. God-fucking-damnit. Ryan took for granted how short he actually was because Philip was actually almost towering over him. There was at least a four inch height difference (not that it mattered). Ryan felt like clinging to the back of Philip's tanktop like a lost puppy because, damn, was his house big. They had already gone down two completely seperate hallways before they even reached the stairs to the second floor. When the soul mates (finally) slid into the room and closed the door shut, this was not something Ryan was expecting. There were small magazine posters of aliens and weird japanese creatures littering every inch of his walls and Ryan couldn't help but notice the larger map above his bed that had multiple blue, yellow, and red thumb tacks stuck in the paper. A line of rocks were displayed across the top of the headboard of the bed. "So, I guess that means we're like," Philip sat down on the bed and hugged a knee to his chest. "soul mates, or something?" "I guess." There was a small weight lifted off Ryan's chest - he knew, and he was okay with it, or, at least, he's not freaking out. The way Philip moved was with an awkward kind of grace, and Ryan couldn't help but admire his curvy, feminine figure when he pulled on Ryan's  wrist to tug him onto the bed next to him. "We might be soul mates, but that doesn't mean that we have to act on it if one of us is uncomfortable." Ryan found his hand resting on the right side of Philip's chest. It was weird, feeling the two heartbeats in one body. That was his heartbeat. "I don't think we should. It'll just end up hurting one of us," Ryan said, trailing his hand and eyes up to the shirt collar and tugging it down lighting to see the small inking of a star. It was smaller than a dime, but it was the same color as his eyes; that deep blue that anyone could get lost in if they looked into them for too long. "My teacher told me awhile ago that if two partners try to force themselves away from each other, their hearts will stop. Literally. So, yeah, no. That's not an option," he hummed out. Ryan pressed his fingertips to the star, felt the younger boy shiver beneath him and trailed his hand up farther his neck until he was plucking the bobby pins from Philip's brown hair. It softly rolled out, just a bit shy from his shoulders. He was truly an attractive kid. When he pulled his hand away, Ryan heard a sigh escape. He wasn't sure who made the noise, though. Probably both of them. Almost as soft as Ryan was touching the boy in front of him, Philip's hands were grasping his cheeks, looking straight into his eyes. His thumbs rubbing into Ryan's temples gently and he couldn't help the purr that came from his throat. The hands trailed back into the short blond locks and dragged fingers through his scalp. It was an odd feeling, but he didn't mind it. He couldn't mind it, because soon Philip's hand was grabbing at Ryan's hand and he pressed a kiss to the back of his palm, sending a wave of emotion over Ryan. As soon as it was there, it was gone, and Ryan knew it was because of their shared fear of getting caught being so intimate with each other.

---

It didn't take too long for Francine to set up a futon in Philip's room. He'd been invited to stay that night for dinner, and since it was a Friday she also agreed to letting him stay over (which Philip asked). It was close to seven when they were both laying in Philip's bed, Ryan's hand gently brushing through Philip's curls. He could honestly do this for hours, he felt.  Philip's hand was busy drawing with a purple ink pen, detailing Ryan's arm in a jungle of flowers. He'd joked and asked if it was nontoxic, which Philip just replied to with an uncaring shrug and a gentle nuzzle to his head. As much as he hated that Philip was younger and taller than him, the way his arms held Ryan's waist was kind of endearing. His touch was gentle and ready to pull away at any sign of struggle or distress. The two high schoolers laid like this for awhile: Ryan's head pressed against Philip's chest and listening to the quiet badump of their heartbeats. His hands were at the brunette's waist by then, pressing gently into his skin with the pad of his thumb. Philip's hand was in Ryan's hair, raking through the short sun kissed blond locks while he hummed a quiet tune that was off-key in the best of ways.

[ah17hh]

how to NOT do poly via /r/polyamory

how to NOT do poly

This is very long. My dysfunctional entrance into polyamory was a huge learning experience for me.

Summer of 2017, my marriage was crumbling. I was in denial about it, way too optimistic, and took full responsibility for my marriage alone. At the same time, one by one, my close girlfriends were all ravenously hitting on me. My underwear was soaked and busting at the seams but I went home to a dead bedroom. My therapist simply asked me when I was going to finally come out of the closet. I didn't realize I was in a closet, but when he asked me, something just clicked.

I wanted to take my newly out-of-the-closet self for a guilt free ride on the pussy highway. With my husband's consent to fuck around, I set up a Tinder account and swiped my tits off. A much younger lesbian was one of my many matches. We chatted, texted, made plans that I canceled a few times. She texted me pictures of her family, personal things. I just wanted sex so I didn't share anything personal back. She told me she just wanted sex too, but still sent me very personal things. After a few weeks, she downright demanded to meet me. I caved. She was really pretty and persistent is an understatement. My other matches would stop trying after a while, but she would not give up. I was scared to meet people. I was scared of rejection. I wasn’t happy with my weight at the time, and she was much younger, thin, and very out.

“Meet me Saturday night. My sister and my best friend will be out with me too.” It was my last chance, she told me later this was the last time she was going to push me to come out and see her. I walked up to the sidewalk and there she was talking to my friend, smoking a cigarette and decked out in young woman accessories, something I never quite understood how to accomplish. “Oh you smoke?” “Not anymore,” she thought. She put out her cigarette. We went into the bar. “Am I fatter in person?” I genuinely wanted to know.

The bar was getting packed. Someone tried to squeeze by my fat ass, so she pulled me toward her, her arm around the small of my back. Gay sparks flew off the charts. We danced until we couldn’t breathe and were covered with sweat. Shoes flew everywhere. I’m not exaggerating. We all had the fucking time of our lives together and it felt like I had found one of us out there when I thought my Squad Goals had already been fulfilled. “Come home with me.” She did. She ate me out on my couch and I came when her tongue and mouth weren’t even touching me. I came that easily and that hard on top of all the whiskey. She faked it, but years of vibrators had killed her clit. In my drunken haze and post-orgasm exhaustion, at 4:00 in the morning, I said, "Stay and spoon with me.” She did. I’d never cuddled with a woman before. It felt like magic. I’m not talking about the kind of magic that you see walking down a tourist area and a fat wrinkled magician wants to show you how to make a card appear in your pocket. I’m talking about the kind of magic people invented religion to explain. I’m talking about the kind of magic that Kelly Clarkson co-writes songs about. I’m talking about the kind of magic only two pussies can create together. It’s super gay and I see now why it’s illegal in some places. Just too fucking good.

My husband woke up two hours after we had fallen asleep to find us spooning on the couch. He stormed out incredibly angry. I was panicking. She was lingering in my apartment, just lounging in her underwear completely oblivious, and way too comfortable. I craved touch so much, I couldn't resist her, I never cleared it with my husband about anyone spending the night. While still in her underwear, trying desperately to look enticing and sexy, she told me her credit score was 750. I was extremely worried about my husband and very uncomfortable at how comfortable she was. My body had alarms going off everywhere but I just calmly dealt with her and told her I had to go about my day. I didn’t know why she was telling me her credit score. I don’t care about anyone’s credit score, except my own after it started out in a dumpster fire during my first marriage to a complete maniac. I told her I had to get on with my day. She left without showering to go to the pride parade with another partnered woman, and I went about my day.

Now I see how vulnerable I was and what a chameleon she was. She was changing herself on the first date to fit in with my family, she quit smoking, she presented herself as this put together sexpot. My marriage was on thin ice and my relationship with myself was lackluster to say the least. I was the perfect target for a narcissist.

She love-bombed me, my sister, and my best friend with accurate precision. She learned my weaknesses almost instantly and told me everything I had been wanting to hear my whole life - that I am attractive, talented, special. She validated me, paid me attention, and took on my identity. She started going to my hairdresser, went blonde when I went blonde, moved to my neighborhood from an hour away, got a job near my job, commuted to work with me, and threw herself at me sexually constantly. I could not resist the sex, I could not resist the attention. 11 years combined with distant men, and here is this gorgeous woman giving me everything. She learned how to make my sister laugh, and flirted heavily with my best friend who hasn't had a relationship in years.

I was enamored by her, she became irresistible to me, and I ignored how uncomfortable I was with her total lack of boundaries. I made excuses for her, that she was young and could grow out of it. I was terrified of my feelings. What does this mean for my marriage? This relationship I was getting completely swept away with woke my husband the fuck up. "Let's go to the sex toy store!" "Let's take a trip!" His fear of losing me made him snap out of taking me for granted. I was getting all the attention and validation from him. Our sex life took a drastic turn.

While I was falling in love with this woman and rekindling with my husband, I resisted her very much. I was scared to lose my marriage. I would tell her I couldn't be with her. It just made her pursue me harder, love-bomb me more. Finally, eight months into my relationship with her, we stayed at a hotel and slept through the night together for the first time. When I woke up and texted my husband good morning, I realized the world was still there. I felt more secure, like maybe this could be a thing. Maybe we can have two separate relationships after all.

She pushed and pushed and demanded that I stay the night with her more and more. She demanded I come out of the closet to my parents, my husband's mom, at work, and to my daughter. I did. I wasn't ready but I did. I was met with open arms and joy. I felt so much pressure from her no matter how much I told her I needed more time, she coldly demanded. Ultimately I am glad I am out now, but I wish I hadn't done it under such duress. But, I was already hooked and scared to lose her. She dangled leaving me constantly. I couldn't lose her, she brought so much excitement to my life. She brought so much energy to my sluggish existence. I am a very outgoing person by nature, but had turned into a couch potato. Being with this charming woman turned my city into a red carpet. All of my friends were ecstatic for me, my daughter could tell how incredibly happy I was.

I gave into the pressure. I started staying over at her place once or twice a week. She stayed by me a lot. When she stayed by me, I was not allowed to have sex with my husband. Sometimes she would stay five days at a time. I wanted to avoid her harshness, her mean coldness, her tantrums, and my husband didn't want to rock the boat either so we complied. I was growing very resentful of her controlling nature. I expressed my unhappiness but it fell on deaf ears and she would just throw herself at me or love-bomb me until I forgot temporarily.

A year and a half in, she disappeared emotionally. I didn't know what was going on at all. A mutual friend was a contestant on Rupaul's Drag Race, and while watching his instagram live video, I saw her in the front row with her hand on another woman's leg. This person I changed my entire life around to be with met someone else. And I found out in the most horrific way. She told me she had to meet someone because I wasn't nice to her anymore. I blamed myself for her cheating. I was so confused. Was it my fault? Why don't I like being around her yet I am terrified to lose her?

Looking back, I didn't even realize how mean and rotten she had gotten. All the charm she used in the beginning was gone, and our time together was tense and moody. All she could see was that I wasn't nice and she wanted attention so she met someone else. It happened so slowly, her charm running out, I didn't even notice. It's like she trained me to accept crumbs and abuse. My whole life trained me. Still, our sexual connection, and the rare fun moments kept us together.

Desperate to get that charming one back, I lavished her in gifts and trips. She'd always play that Bhad Bhabie song Gucci Flip Flops. I got her Gucci flip flops for Christmas. I just wanted that nice one back. She'd give me crumbs and I'd hang on every word. I was scared if I lost her, my husband would go distant, and I'd be alone with no one. I didn't want to lose either of them.

I finally told her that her negativity is impossible to be around. I finally told her I am not driving 100% of the time or paying for 100% of everything. I was sick of blowing up at her after she would bait me while having to foot the bill and do all the heavy lifting. She would post pictures on instagram to make me insecure and jealous. I would freak out at her. She loved it when I got mad. It was such a sick game.

I hated this angry person I had become. I told her I don't owe her my niceness just because we are technically together and if her answer is to cheat on me she can fucking leave. I begged her to stop baiting me and stop pushing my buttons. She actually heard me. She changed overnight, I think she wanted to do anything to get my love and attention. For a week she was pleasant, nice, she showered regularly. I couldn't keep my hands off of her. When she was positive and nice, my entire world was shining in the sun. A week later, she left without a word.

Eight days after she left me, we matched on Tinder. I got drunk at my sister's birthday party, and asked her to meet me for coffee. She asked if we could have lunch. She sat next to me at the table. I had no appetite so I didn't eat. She told me she was unhappy with the inequality, that I cared more about my husband from her perspective. I just listened and felt nothing. A week or two later she texted me and asked if me and my sister wanted to go out. My sister was done with her but I told her I could meet her. We had a drink. She looked absolutely haggard. We went to karaoke and she sang one of my all time favorite songs with more heart than I'd ever heard her sing before. It was 3am and I told her I had to go. We didn't kiss or touch at all at any of these meetings. She texted me when we were both in our ubers and asked me to come cuddle. I told her I couldn't. I asked her if she could come over next week. She said yes. In the light of day, she said she couldn't come by anymore.

Then she changed her number and I never heard from her again. She gave her number to my sister, so I put it in my phone and blocked it.

It's been two and a half months since the discard. I have been picking up the pieces, and seeing why I got so swept in this. Underneath all the dysfunction, I do believe the two of us did love each other at one point. I think her narcissism and my codependency were a match made in hell.

My husband and I are doing better than we ever have. We are on the same page for the first time about chores, finances, and we have sex every day. We talk about everything. We talk about poly, boundaries, how it should have gone, what we learned, and what we want in the future.

I know now I am extremely co-dependent. I am easily taken for granted because of this. I am a narcissist magnet. I am generous and I feel solely responsible for other peoples' lives, feelings, and my relationships. I have so much inner healing to do to feel whole and to get validation from within.

I met another woman and we are very slowly getting to know each other. She is independent, kind, ambitious, and I am not letting myself get too attached. I want to meet more people and decide who is best for me. I don't want to "test" people, but I am going to pay close attention to how people respond to boundaries and my needs. Already I am noticing such a stark difference with how narcissists react!

I fly to Miami tomorrow to tag along at this new woman's work conference. We are going out Saturday night, hanging at the beach Sunday, and I am spending Monday by myself in Miami. I haven't had sex with her yet because I am being cautious. I am using the trip to get away from the mess, be in the sunshine (it just snowed by me), and to have spontaneous fun. I do not want to jump into a serious thing at all, and she seems the same. She's never had a girlfriend and wants to take it slow too. My therapist helped me frame this by saying it's have sex and not get too attached right away. He said you can meet 10 people and having sex is how you get to know them and you may like 1 or 2. He said to frame the weekend as a "get to know you" trip and not to ask a million questions or divulge a million things, but you can get to know someone just by the way they are.

I have a good hold on myself after this learning experience and I am not going to let someone hurt me like that again. I don't know I've been grieving, healing, and reading a lot (and watching youtube videos) about narcissists and co-dependency. We are both textbook.

All in all though, we both amazingly left each other better than when we met. Her love-bombing and validation showed me how good I am and that I am attractive. I switched careers, lost weight, came out of my shell finally, and see that I am worthy of attention. My adoration showed her she is lovable and deserves unconditional love and a good life. She tripled her income, and grew up. I taught her the practical things of life and how to live in the city. I showed her acceptance and what family can be and I hope one day she does have one of her own. She showed me I am hot, interesting, funny, charming, generous and I deserve someone who is the same.

So now, I'm out as bi and poly to everyone in my life and at work. I can take my sweet time finding the right partner(s) for me. I can and will say no when I am uncomfortable. I am going to work on healing this codependency in me. I am never ignoring red flags again. I am loving myself the way I am while growing to be the best me possible. I am happy being out as bi and having a woman in my life, it makes me feel complete. But I am not going to pay for that happiness by giving too much of myself ever again.

Submitted November 01, 2019 at 08:18AM by shinebrightlike via reddit https://ift.tt/2C1CGvd

[fendergirl87-blog]

Biography of a women with PTSD and bi polar

The child's short-term response to abuse: For instance, an elevated heart rate post-abuse has been documented as increasing the likelihood that the victim will be later suffer from PTSD.

When aspen was 6 years old, Back when her and her twin sister still shared a room, one of her earliest childhood memories were sitting on her bedroom floor Being so confused and lost about her existence. She didn't understand why she was alive.

Tho her child was full of heart felt memories with her siblings and grandparents, but her own parents hardly played a part in that picture.

Her mom as emotionally unavailable. And her dad was physical and emotionally abusive. And not the little kind. He had spurts of anger that became physical and verbal attacks. Only to apologize for it shortly after or sometimes not. You never knew when it would happen. One of the first memories- being 6 years old running down the hallway, with my dad kicking her ass with his logging boot because they were running late.

His control was humiliating.

Being drug out to the car in the middle of church to be spanked and punished for being to rambunctious. As aspen got older the abused got worse and her mother turned a blind eye. When aspen was 9 she got in trouble for pulling razor blades off of pencil sharpeners and collecting them. She never hurt herself but her and her friend Leif would make pretend weapons with them. Not knowing how dangerous they were. She caught the attention of her teacher and was sent to the principal.

Aspen started going to art therapy because of it. she made cool crafts and drank soda with the art teacher. The only thing that she remembers about them talking about was about how her brother ran away and that she would never see him again.

The abuse of aspens father worsened by age. By 11 or 12 it became her fathers constant behavior. His moods worsened, his rules were stricter, and his physical abuse more prominent. My families denial worsened too. She was viewed as disrespectful, mouthy, and moody.

The blur of memories, the constant walking on egg shells and the rebellion of aspen worsened with age.

When aspens dad got mean and started to yell, didn't even have to say a word and he would either slap her across the face or her would threatened and belittle her.

He flew off the handle and the drop of a hat. It was a cycle.

I was walking in egg shells, trying to keep, the peace then it would happen. He would freak out. He would slap me across the face, pin me to the ground. punch me. Shove me. Threaten to break my bones.

The it would be over. Sometimes he would act like I asked for it. And that it was my fault for being disrespectful. And sometimes he say that he was proud of me for standing up for myself. Then everything would be ok for awhile. He would be kind and nice. But it only last for a little while.

The it would happen again. Sometimes not for a few days. Sometimes not for a week. But it always happened.

Over and over.

The fist fights the screaming. The name calling. The constant belittlment. And my constantly feeling of feeling bad started.

The first time aspen cut herself wasn't because of her father. Aspen started sexually experimenting with boys at 12 when she had her first boyfriend. It all started innocent like a first kiss but then she let her boyfriend do things to her. She like the attention. The worse time was probably when they were in band class together and they were sitting behind the piano. Off to the side of the room while the music teacher lead the class. Her boyfriend stuck his down her pants right in the middle of class. No one could tell with them both sitting behind a piano and her with a guitar in her lap. It didn't last for a few seconds. It was several minutes.

This groping thing became a new thing with aspens bf. they didn't see each other outside of school so they didn't have sex yet. They dated for a year.

I can't remember why we broke up tho. All this can remember is everything time aspen tried to break up with him he would say that he was going to hurt himself and finally after the 8th time of finally trying to break up with him she did. And he cut himself over it. Bad. Really bad. And that's where Aspen's battle with self harm started. She was 14 now. Interested in a new boy. One that like the things that she liked and was even in the school band with her. She started sneeking see him. He didn't live very far away.

The last time that she snuck out to see him she got naked for the first time in front of a boy. It all felt very awkward and uncomfortable. They didn't have sex but he touched her and tried to finger her. It felt painful and dry. Something like off a porno. Luckily she was able to make up an excuse to go home.

She really liked this boy but he didnt hardly talk to her except when he was horny. It broke her heart to feel so abandoned and unwanted.

That's when it happened. She was in the bathroom with a pair of scissors. She was so upset over this boy that she decided to try cutting herself. It something her ex bf did.

The panic feeling, the unbearable pain, the kind that makes your heart hurt and you can't breathe, well it all went away when she opened the scissors up and used one blade slice her forearm.

It was like everything went away.

The physical pain was so overpowering that I couldn't feel the heart ache. I could see and feel was the blood pouring. And it felt relieving.

Start cut more more as the fights got worse. My mother, she was never there for me she would go in the other roomand pretend to make cookies or she heard my dad screaming and hurting me. I cut the escape. I cut because it hurt too bad. I cut too feel numb.

It's not like I didn't have religion in my life I did have a big support system but I could never believe in God like everybody else and never spoke to me it never came I pushed and pushed it was never there. But neither was my identity.

At an early age i began to seek comfort in women, mostly people that were close to me or related to me. My mom did show me affection. She would hardly even hug me. She wouldn't talk to me about the hard stuff. She wouldn't talk to me at all. I found abandonment in the person that was suppose to protect and nurture me. So I improvised, a lot of my friends were older. My 7th grade teacher was one of my best friends and helped me through a really hard time in my life.

i thought it was obsession.wantiing to be close to them, seeking the comfort i was missing in my life from my own mom. My 4th grade teacher was the first person than i went to to seek comfort and love. She was an identical twin too, so she made it a point to always talk to me. One day, i found myself in the girl bathroom. I was only 9 at the time, i remembering pulling my sweatshirt hood over my head and feeling so alone but seeking comfort. The kind that they confuse with borderline personality disorder,

It didnt make sense. How all these feeling stuck with me. they never went away, all i every felt way alone. When i was in middle school,Ms shanahan became the person i went to for comfort, i even kept in contact with her until shortly after highschool. I cant explain our relationship. she was my teacher but she also felt like a person that no matter i could go to. So i did, and middle school was the best years. full of memories and support. When i entered highschool. Shas still there but not completely. I was withdrawn, Everything hurt too bad, I searched for the closeness that i could never reach. I nurturing and protectence.

how could i be surrounded by people and feel this way,

i never told anyone about these feelings. the obessiveness. To me it was just me, creepy and uncomfortable, well thats atleast how i felt.

I went through highschool. With near perfect grades and with a lot of athletic activities. I was involved in band and played the guitar which was a way to help me cope. But most of the time. The hurt was so bad, I could hardly breathe with my head above water. In 9th grade my heart started to race and my blood pressure was high all of the time. I remember getti a physical exam, which was required to compete in volleyball and the doctor that examined me pulled me in a room with us and asked me a million different times and in a million different ways if I was using illegal drugs like meth because my heart rate and blood pressure was so elevated. When I was in the 9th grade. My doctor put my on a high blood pressure medicine that is meant for old people and I was on a a hearty dose of Zoloft. All I ever wanted to be was numb.

Highschool was probably the worst time in my life and parts of it are really hard to remember. I was barely keeping myself alive between the extreme physically abuse of my father and the emtional burder that I had been carrying my whole life of never really feeling whole as a person. With all the broke and missing feelings. I kept myself alive by staying numb. And I began to start cutting alot. My left forarm became the main spot that I would cut myself that I would wear long sleeves to cover it up. Everything is such a blur.

I began pto feel differently. My attraction to women began to surface more clearly and I began to become interested in some of the girls in my school.

The cuts started small. But I began to cut everytime I became stressed. Then I became psychotic. It was anything to calm me down. To stop the overwhelming and feelings. The hatred towards myself started to build. I was trying to be a good daughter a good Mormon. While subconsciously dealing with a fight with my sexuality that I didn't realize until years later. I hated the way I looked even tho I was thin and muscular had great boobs.but all I ever felt inside for myself extreme disappointment and hatred. I cut to numb the pain of never feeling good enough. Never being a good enough person for the Mormon religion . Fighting feelings of attraction towards women. It was really confusing because I hadn't thought of myself as being born a lesbian. Things that like didn't happen in the Mormon faith. It didn't exist.

I felt different. Out of place. Days where I was struggling to survive. I've always wondered if it was this hard for everyone else? I never opened up to anyone. I had no close friends but mutal friends in chior. There was no one my age where I could tell anything to. I was stuck inside my walls. Inside my shell. The one person who I considered a special person that has greatly impacted my life was my techer mrs noland. She was my English teacher starting in the 9th grade. She was a person I clung to because of her nurturing personality. The things i lacked. She has become a very important person in my life because she was the only one there when I had absolutely no one. The only one for several years. When I was 10 or 11th grade. I took her poetry class and it became a way for me too write my feelings down inside. All the nasty thougts. It's kind of parculiar though because when I was in highschool I kept a huge binder of my poems in it. And some pretty detailed graphic ones about my fathers abused and magically I haven't been able to find that binder for years. It's like my parents found it and through it away because they didn't want anyone to know. There was things written in there that were so descriptive, it went into the wrong hands. I wish I could just read it. The proof of child hood abused leading to life time problems like complex ptsd.

To be continued.