#considering all we got was a 'now you've got FEELINGS please don't explore them HERE' i think he's given up on us XDDD

[lilithofpenandbook]

Snape: *makes it abundantly clear that we must not smell the potion*

Us:

[yooglefics]

Reveal — Part one: recording

Pairing: Yoongi x fem!reader ( camboy!yoongi x camgirl!reader ) Wordcount: 2,198 words Genre: smut. 18+. mdni. don't use fanfics as your only source of sex ed, pls. Summary: your friend convinced you to record an audio for your OF, but doing it alone is nerve-wracking so you turn to your favorite creator for help.

Includes: Mentions of selling sex content. Mentions of sexual activity ( doing things and also talking about doing things ). Implicit masturbation instructions. Masturbation ( f and m ) ( wash your hands before putting them anywhere, folks ). People filming/recording sex acts. Use of pet names? ( baby, doll ). Dirty talk. Mentions of Jungkook x fem!reader but they are just frieeends. Author's note: I started writing this with hopes of it just being alright because I wanted to write something quick but then it got longer and here we are. Hope you like it! If you do please remember to leave a comment, reblog, ask, follow and what not. Thank you for reading <3

It's been six months since you started this side job. At first, it was a combination of curiosity and a little desperation since money was tight after your roommate and best friend decided to go back to live with her parents. You didn't complain too much about it because you didn't want her to feel bad, and besides, you actually missed having your own space. 

But lonely nights with insomnia thanks to the stress at work, let you to explore sides of the internet you had only heard about in bathroom conversations. Curiosity got the best of you and so, here you are, going through comments on your last onlyfans post.

You've been able to grow a decent-sized audience, it may be a bit small to others but it’s manageable and you like that. Some of them are people you followed before, during your investigation stage, and now became your mutuals. You truthfully see them as your friends, like Jungkook.

He was the first person with quite a big audience who followed you back and you truly believe half your followers came from his page, even though he denies it and tells you it is all your doing. He really has a way of lifting your confidence and that's why after a few months you meet in person to shoot things together, nothing too spicy, just a shoot with Calvins and denim jackets. You were surprised when he didn't suggest something more than that, but Jungkook said “You're too sweet to fuck in a first meeting, but maybe later”.

You thought he was just partially joking, although a few meetings have passed and he hasn't tried anything. To be honest, is a bit disappointing since he is so attractive, but at least he is still willing to help you with fun photoshoots in your apartment.

A comment in the picture where Jungkook’s hand is around your throat caught your eye. When you suggested it, it was funny. A silly little joke about what people thought actually happened behind the scenes and a way to hide your face from the camera.

When you saw it after, it was less funny and much hotter. Even if he wasn't applying pleasure on your neck, the muscles on his forearm were visible under the ink, the lighting and shadows reflected on the skin of your chest that wasn't covered by the cami top you were wearing that day, and your gold babygirl collar sat perfectly on top of your breast.

You couldn't be mad at the people saying they wished to be in your place. You were jealous of yourself, damn it.

That's why the comment popped out between the others, because it was jealousy of Jungkook they were talking about.

[ JustADude: “Fuck. He is the luckiest man alive if he gets to hold you and listen to all your pretty sounds.” ]

Cheeks blushing, you giggle thinking about how Jungkook hasn't done those things. But you have to admit that the idea of people being interested in hearing is a turn on. And maybe it shouldn't be a surprise considering taking pictures for others does but… could you… ?

Your phone rings, indicating a text and interrupting your thoughts.

Kookie: told you, a voice reveal would be amazing!!

You laugh at the attached image been of the comment you were just reading.

Y/n: but i'm shyyyyy

Kookie: you can just record a masturbating session Kookie: and review it and decide if you post it or not

Y/n: if i review it i’ll not post it lol

Is true. You'll get too much in your head and shy away.

Y/n: i barely go over pics before posting because of it

You remember him as if he didn't check your newest pictures for you.

Kookie: i can help too! Kookie: i mean Kookie: no pressure, ofc Kookie: but it would be SOOO HOT

Not sure if it's for the idea of recording yourself or the fact that Jungkook is encouraging you, but your pussy reacts to the words on screen and is settled. You are doing it.

Following the suggestion of just recording a session, you prepare as usual, sitting cross-legged on your bed, laptop in front while looking for something… inspiring.

You think about maybe looking through Jungkook’s page, rewatching his last video, but at the end get too paranoid about him listening to himself in the background even if your mic is hooked up in your bra strap, as closest as it can to your mouth.

So, you think of something else. The image of a hand around your throat still fresh in your mind leads you to the page of someone whose hands you've been thinking about in many other sessions. SugaD.

A few taps on your keyboard and his page is flashing on your screen, those exact veiny hands greeting you on his last post.

“Oh, well… here goes nothing.” 

Embracing yourself, you turn on your mic, giving a few taps to make sure it’s working, “hi,” a nervous giggle echoes your room, suddenly making you aware of the silence and glad you'll have noise beside your own.

Inspecting better Suga's post, you realize is an announcement for his last video, and the line “for all those asking for more hand porn, i got you ;)” feels like is calling you out, but you can start feeling the need between your legs so there's just so much shame and fucks to give left.

A few more clicks and the video is on full screen, starting with an empty black leather chair and then Suga coming into frame and sitting down. His face is not visible as in any other video, but following the movements of his hand, you realize his neck is. Pale skin in contrast with black t-shirt.

“This angle is kinda…” he trails off, soft laugh at the end.

“Hot,” you complete, confident Jungkook will, after laughing at you, delete it from the final audio. 

“You can't tell me I'm mean anymore. I'm spoiling you,” Suga continues in the video, “I'm giving you this view and I'm giving you what's probably the thing you all ask the most for: hands.”

And there they are. His goddamn hands. Close frame and adorned with silver rings in a few fingers. And when he turns them around you can admire how veiny and manly they are.

“I hate him. I'm gonna sue him,” you murmur, because in the month you have been following him, something you've come to find out is that Suga always knows what he is doing. He knows that jiggling his fingers and making the accessories click, paint a picture on people's minds. He knows how to dirty talk without making it cringe. And, more than anything, knows how to tease and keep his audience on their toes. 

You turn the volume down a bit more to make sure it really isn’t audible through your mic.

“Are you sitting, doll? Imagine you're on my lap right now,” he pats his tights and finally you move, positioning yourself on your knees as if you were, as he suggested, straddling him.

“That view would be amazing. You right here,” he pretends to hold someone by their hips in front of him and yours play pretend on your own body, moving them up and down as he does. “Maybe I'd tease you first, play with your tits, your nipples first. Why don't you do that, baby? Touch yourself for me.”

Letting out a groan is your way to express frustration against the fabric covering your chest, unable to remove your bra so the mic stays in the right place. Controlling your breath, you focus on the video again. Suga is playing with himself, hand against his chest just like yours, “How does it feel?” 

“I want you to touch me,” you whisper. And clearly, you know he is not able to hear you, and you're scared you'd sound like an idiot at the end, but you figure this is your chance to experiment being a bit vocal. After all, this whole thing is supposed to be a voice reveal, not just moans. 

Although, it's quite difficult not to do it with the sight on screen. “Look what you do to me,” he complains, voice raspy and hand traveling south to the bulge on his joggers.

“Are you hard?” You cringe at that one. Shaking your head to not let it get to much on your head and sending everything to the trash. Breathing, your right hand mirrors his actions and travels down your body. 

He gropes himself with a groan and you moan just at the sound. Imagine a smirk on his face as you cup yourself through your underwear. The lace is so thin is impossible to hide the fact you're already so wet. 

Another moan and you debate on skipping a few seconds on the video since you need him to do something. Give you anything.

But he is a teaser. 

He strokes through layers of fabric even when his own noises let it be known is torture for him. “I wonder…” he breathes, “how much clothes do you have? Are you dressed like I am, or are you completely naked?” His hips thrust up, into his hand and he pulls it away. “Would you come by just grinding on my cock?”

“F-fuck,” you moan when he intentionally bucks his hips upward, veins on his hands popping up when he holds into the chair. You hate him, you really do. Because he is holding back and you just want to see him.

“Please, please,” and as if it were even possible he hears you, he takes his dick in one hand and out of his pants.

You moan in appreciation and finally allow your hand to sneak into your panties too. The much desired contact makes your legs feel like jelly for a second and you have to sit back on your heels while the guy on screen keeps driving you insane.

His hand moves up and down his length, thumb collecting precum at the tip and using it as lubricant, but when that is not enough, his hand disappears off the frame, up to his face. The sound is enough to help with the imagination and quickly he is back in business.

Your eyes are fixed on every movement, every sound. Your hand matches his speed and you don't know what is hotter, the wet skin sounds or the bracelet on his wrist? Because the silver chain moves as fast or even faster and makes a sound of its own. Ah, it is so impossible for you not to imagine what it would be to look at it from your perspective. If the fingers in your pusy were his.

You push into yourself, your breath caught at the sensation before adding another one, “ooh… oh.” 

Can't master more than a few sounds, your mouth dry, it has been open since he uncovered himself. Oh, what would you do to have him in your mouth at least once. 

“The things I'd do to you.” The recording continues, “And I bet you would let me, no questions asked, right?”

“S-so good,” your knees dig into your bed and you're glad you follow Jungkook's advice of protecting your duvet with a towel. “It feels so good, oh god.” 

“Are you using your fingers? A toy? Would you like my dick instead?” He laughs breathlessly, “I would like to feel your pussy too. F-fuck, I'd fuck you so good, baby. Don’t you think so?”

“Uh uh,” short moans leave your lips, the palm of your hand rubbing on your clit before going back to back and forth motions. Fingering yourself and your eyes close as you enjoy the pleasure, and let more noises flow.

When you open them again Suga on screen has his other hand around his neck, head tilted back. Is not choking him, but you assume he is into that. “Oh… f-fu… pleasee,” he is going to be the end of you. How can you not imagine being on top of him, riding him, your hand on his throat or maybe his on yours. “I'm… oh, I'm…” a loud moan interrupts your announcement as you cum practically riding your hand. 

There's silence. Well, your breathing is fast and the mic most likely will pick it up, but you try to compose yourself for a few seconds while looking at the blank screen that indicates Suga finished too. He never shows it on camera and the only indication he did is the aftermath, this time, on his black t-shirt when he says his “you did great, kitten” to sign off.

The next day Jungkook sends you the audio archive as promised. And is up on your page as fast as possible, it doesn't matter if it doesn't get attraction for a few hours because it's too early on the day, but if you think about it too much, you'd scratch the whole idea.

But not a minute passes and you have notifications of a new follower and a comment.

[ SugaD now follows you ] [ SugaD: the cutest. ]

➪ Part two. | ➪ Part three. | ➪ Updates for this verse | ➪ Ko-fi

➪ Main masterlist. | ➪ Updates in general | ➪ Request & chats ♡

Edit: i forgoooot! If you want to be tagged on part 2 or future projects let me know <3

Edit 2: I made a post with different options for tag lists in case anyone is interested. You know, for future projects and stuff. But don't feel preassure to request it, and thank you for following this mini series.

[veryintricaterituals]

I understand people love Baby Colin Robinson and why it's so important to them. But with the conversation about queerbaiting going on I can't help feeling a bit baited about Laszlo and Colin. I remember binging seasons 1-3. In especially season 3 I could tell there was some kind of thing developing between them. It felt so jarring to see Colin getting turned into a baby like that after all that set up. I think there could have been a million different ways they could deal with Collins regeneration without doing that. And now I see some people feel uncomfortable at the idea of Colin and Laszlo because of that. It feels so unfair that laszlin already existed and seemed so possible just for that to get thrown out. Like I'm happy with how Colin is written in season 5 and 6 but that season 4 crap just keeps coming back to ruin things. I don't understand why they couldn't have a side romance in the background. It feels like this show it just allergic against letting a same gender couple be romantically affectionate on screen. It's such a tiny thing and I hate complaining about it, but I hate that Colin and Laszlo didn't kiss in the elevator. It felt uncomfortable that the idea of them kissing was being used as a joke

Season three really got us all, didn't it? I don't really go here, as in, I've never even considered Laszlo/Colin, but I'm very much a person who says ship and let ship. And now that you've mentioned it, they did have their moments in season three and onwards. I guess it just turned into parental bonding in my eyes, but again, I can see it, I can see the vision.

I don't think it was baited in the same way that nandermo was, and by that I only mean: the marketing, the interviews, the articles that focused on the ship and that were clearly designed to bring LGBT audiences and viewers to the show. And that is one of my main problems with the ending and with this season as a whole. That doesn't mean that I think nandermo is better than any other ship, it is mine, so I like it, but please don't take it the wrong way.

You're absolutely right when you point out that this show is allergic to showing affection or love to anything except for the straight appearing relationships. It's a huge problem. For a show that calls itself queer and welcoming I sure haven't seen any same sex couples besides some jokes and allusions. Say if we had Baron/Sire explicitly confirmed (a comment about them even, a hug, anything) I wouldn't talk. If Guillermo had been able to have a boyfriend for more than one episode, if Nandor's search for love had involved men in more than a comedic way, if... If.. if.. if... Then I wouldn't be angry at all, but the thing is that none of that happened, and our "queer rep" ended up being just jokes (mostly at our expense: as in the only reason this joke is funny is because "haha gay". The only reason Nandor and Laszlo hook up is because it's clearly a joke to the writers, it never goes beyond that, it never explores that dynamic between them, same with Laszlo and the Baron).

I think you get to feel whatever you're feeling and it's absolutely valid. I'm mad and disappointed at the whole season, at the time and potential wasted. I'm waiting for next week's episode so that I can put canon firmly behind me and turn to what I have always turned to when canon fails me: fic and art.

I'm probably going to get really mad for a while beforehand though and I feel that as a lesbian, a queer person, who looked for a queer tv show and ended up being queerbaited I get to do that, I get to feel betrayed and upset. And so do you.

[amethystviolist]

holy shit you wrote so much since march??? that is so fucking impressive!! and hey, creating things for older fandoms is the best, it's always good to see people still keeping them alive. now when you give updates i will finally know whats it about :'D would you wanna give a summary of the fic's premise?

Thank you for the appreciation and the ask again! Yeah I went kinda crazy with it lol; I slowed down to a more normal rate again in May, thankfully.

And sure! It's not a terribly original premise I'm afraid, and I don't have a real blurb yet, but basically, the fic revolves around Bilbo being a dragon with a limited ability to shapeshift. I've read multiple dragon!Bilbo works (and enjoyed them!), but I wanted to do a pretty different take on dragons compared to canon Tolkien or other fanfics I've read.

A teaser might be something like: Five hundred year old former dragon Bilbo Baggins has successfully kept his private vow of peaceful hobbitish living for fifty years when Gandalf turns up with an inviting offer of adventure and less-than-inviting dwarvish company. Bilbo is forced to weigh his need to protect his new friends against his fear of discovery every step of the way to the mountain, and by the time he realizes some secrets are truly too big to keep, Bilbo will have to decide exactly how much a dragon is willing to sacrifice for the dwarves of Erebor.

So for the conception of the fic, Tolkien's dragons are of course based on medieval epics where they're no more than cunning, cruel, and greedy creatures, and while that simplicity can be a good narrative tool, I got interested in the Middle Earth creation of dragons and then what else they might be besides vehicles for plot or embodiments of evil.

From extant theories on their creation (I'm skipping a lot of details on that or we'll be here all day!), I got really into my own take on draconic culture in Middle Earth, and then really into exploring Bilbo's trauma from his draconic past and how he's handling it as a hobbit (spoiler: he's just avoiding it). His canon character arc takes a naive bachelor to worldly adventurer, but my fic starts him from a place of power already. Dragon!Bilbo knows evil intimately and so he's terrified of himself. His arc instead involves accepting all parts of himself and allowing himself to really live again, and of course there's a lot of secrets and lying and oh god feelings that he has to deal with along the way.

Anyway, at its emotional core, the mega fic is about identity and self-acceptance/forgiveness. At its plot core, it's about keeping a terrible secret from thirteen people you want to befriend and how that causes a lot of interesting problems. I've written all the way through canon events (which are definitely more guidelines than rules, considering the impacts of Bilbo's true heritage) and am now in the murky waters of post-canon. I've got an outline and am working through it now. Post-canon deals mainly with the aftermath of a major sacrifice during BotFA (no spoilers!), and then what to do with the One Ring.

If you've read this far, thank! If you're still interested, please enjoy a little early excerpt below.

“‘Bilbo Baggins’, is it?” a deep voice read out.

The hobbit by that name, a middle-aged and bronze-haired fellow with a green waistcoat and a pipe in his mouth, looked up from the book on his lap and startled quite violently. 

“Gandalf,” Bilbo gasped, barely saving the book before it fell to the ground. The wizard in question was standing by his front gate and frowning at Bilbo’s nicely-labeled mailbox, his brow tight with confusion.

“My old friend, what in the names of the Valar are you still doing here?” Gandalf asked, sounding as genuinely surprised as Bilbo had ever heard him. 

“Ah.” Bilbo shifted a little on his nicely cushioned bench. “Well, you’ve been away for quite some time… I daresay I’ve changed quite a lot since we last met.”

“On that, we are agreed,” Gandalf replied, and stared at Bilbo as if trying to see through his very bones.

“Er, do come inside,” Bilbo invited him politely, and got to his feet. “I’ve got a kettle on, and some biscuits which aren’t too terribly burned.”

“A real achievement for one of your kind,” Gandalf chortled, until Bilbo shot him a glare. The wizard hurriedly quieted his amusement and let himself in the gate, following Bilbo up the grassy steps and through the green door that led to Bag End.

As soon as Bilbo closed the round door, he found himself unexpectedly nervous. He had nothing to fear from Gandalf, of course, but his situation was… inexplicably odd.

“So,” Bilbo began a little more hesitantly then he would have liked to admit, “What… brings you to the Shire?”

Gandalf fixed Bilbo with a disgruntled stare. “I was seeking you, of course! Imagine my surprise when I found your old caves deserted, your books and blankets all gone! I thought you’d been slain, and your treasures carried off, and yet somehow no one I asked knew anything about a-”

“Yes, yes, alright!” Bilbo interrupted with a suspicious glance out the nearest window. “I appreciate your concern, but not so loudly! I’m treated with enough suspicion as it is,” the hobbit grumbled, and motioned for Gandalf to follow him through the halls of Bag End until they reached the pantry, which was windowless and had two doors with sturdy locks. Bagginses of course protected their food well, as any respectable hobbit would, but Bilbo had also found that it was an excellent space for less-than-respectable happenings. 

Which he himself had no prior experience with, naturally.

“Olórin,” Bilbo breathed after he had lit a candle and closed both doors, sealing the wizard into the wide room. “My friend, it’s good to see you! I was going to send word, but I had no idea how a letter would reach you. You’re not called the Wandering Wizard for nothing, it seems,” Bilbo said with an amused smile.

“You could have left a note in the northern Blue Mountains!” Gandalf complained, shaking his head. “I had to fight my way through three dozen goblins before I found the levels where you used to reside.”

Bilbo gave him an unimpressed look, for only three dozen goblins were no match for one of the Istari at full strength, and they both knew it.

“It was an annoyance,” Gandalf amended at Bilbo’s expression. “And more importantly, it caused me no small amount of worry for your well-being.”

“Well, I didn’t mean to worry you. But you also could have come back sooner,” Bilbo said rather stiffly. He found himself compulsively organizing the jars of jam by size, until he realized he was acting a bit too much like Bungo and tried to stop fidgeting. “Belladonna and Bungo offered me their home and their name as my own, and Bag End is a much better place for reading than my old drafty caverns. It would have been ridiculous for me to refuse their kind offer.”

“And how are the dear Bagginses?” Gandalf asked, his eyes crinkling happily. “It’s been far too long since I’ve seen them…” The wizard trailed off. His countenance sobered all too quickly as he saw that Bilbo’s expression had turned cold and stony, his hands stilling on the many jars of jam. “Oh. Oh, I see,” he murmured. “I’m terribly sorry to hear that, my friend. I know how much they meant to you.”

The pantry was unbearably silent for a time.

“We shared books,” Bilbo finally said very quietly, and Gandalf looked so shocked that Bilbo would have surely found it amusing under other circumstances.

“Indeed,” Gandalf finally managed, eyeing Bilbo with fresh concern. 

The room was once again silent, and Bilbo shook his head to clear it. “My loss is not the reason you’ve come, though,” he said after a long moment, glaring at an innocent wheel of cheese, for anger was better to keep moving on with than sorrow. But he forced himself to gentle his gaze somewhat to look back up at Gandalf. “Is this merely a social call, then?”

Gandalf’s lips quirked back up into a typically mysterious smile. “I’m afraid not. In fact, I came looking for you to share in an adventure.”

“Adventure?” Bilbo snorted loudly, and ignored the twin wisps of smoke that emerged from his nostrils. “Gandalf, please, I’m far too old for such nonsense. Surely you have many other - and far more pleasant! - options for traveling companions.”

“I’m not going on a walking holiday,” Gandalf corrected him with a huff, now looking rather put out. “I’m escorting a third party on a quest to reclaim their homeland, and your skill set would be most helpful on this dangerous journey.”

“My ‘skill set’?” Bilbo repeated incredulously. “And what exactly is that supposed to mean? My ‘skills’ primarily consist of reading voraciously and offending the delicate sensibilities of my neighbors.”

The wizard fixed him with a piercing, knowing look. “We both know you’re more than a simple hobbit, my old friend.”

Bilbo scowled as fiercely as this face allowed, and crossed his arms in annoyance. “Maybe I don’t want to be more than a simple hobbit anymore,” he said sharply. “Has it ever occurred to you that I am safe and comfortable here, in this form, in this life? I’m Bilbo Baggins now. I’ve changed, Gandalf, and I don’t want to be… who I was. I’m nothing like that anymore, and have vowed to never be again.”

Gandalf’s blue eyes twinkled a little, and he nodded once. “Very well. Bilbo... I understand your feelings on the subject.” He pointed one gnarled finger at Bilbo, and added firmly, “But this will be very good for you.” With that cryptic pronouncement, Gandalf turned and unlocked one of the pantry doors, knocking his head on the low doorframe and cursing to himself as he hastily exited.

“Gandalf!” Bilbo exclaimed, his annoyance now tainted by his damn curiosity. “What do you mean? I will not be going with you on any sort of mad adventure, and I mean it! I couldn’t leave my hoard for that long as you should well know!” He ran after Gandalf, who was finding his way to the front door much too quickly.

“I expect I’ll be seeing you again soon,” Gandalf said instead of offering any kind of explanation. “Do try not to incinerate anyone while I’m away.”

“Pfft, incinerate anyone,” Bilbo scoffed. “You’re the only one in danger of that, Gandalf the Grey! Stop running away and tell me what you meant by that! Ah, you confounding-”

Bilbo tripped on the upturned edge of a rug (undoubtedly Gandalf’s fault, as so many things were) and tumbled most ungracefully to the floor. By the time the hobbit had regained his feet, the wizard was long gone, his gray-clad form hurrying down the path away from Bag End.

“Blasted, meddlesome wizards,” Bilbo muttered, not for the first time and certainly not for the last.

[If you've read this far, please let me know! I'll be wanting a beta reader probably at some point, or someone to bounce ideas off of would be lovely as well.]

[thelostgirl21]

Me: Jaskier and Radovid are just in their infatuation phase, it's not true love yet...

Google Newsfeed: Here's an article that should interest you...

Me: Alright, let's see what it has to say...

"When you love somebody, you actually begin to consider their needs, not in a 'I want to please you' way, but 'I want what's good for you.' When you love somebody, you are willing to sacrifice things that you may not have been able or willing to sacrifice in another relationship."

She adds that in true love, partners begin to consider and care for each other in the same way they consider themselves.

... becoming deeply curious about them in an "honest and overwhelming" way, and wanting to share parts of oneself with them that haven't been shared with others before.

However, she believes the most important defining factor of true love is that it involves action.

"When you truly love someone, you want to have acts of service, you want to do things that are good for them," Shaw says. "How can you actively show that you love somebody? Usually it's in the things that you do and the way that you speak to them, and being willing to invest and sacrifice and maybe even look at your own personal issues, and being willing to adjust and change in ways that maybe you wouldn't have before."

"Knowing that they have your back and they're always supportive," Edwards says. "And your willingness to be their 'ride-or-die,' your willingness to support them no matter what, no matter what they're going through, no matter how they show up each and every day. The ups and downs and the left and right."

Me: Alright! You win! It's true love! Damnit!

Okay, but seriously though, it's still mostly infatuation, although the foundations to allow said infatuation to naturally evolve towards "true love" are most definitely there.

My partner and I kissed on the 2nd time we saw each other, and said "I love you" on the 3rd (I kid you not)!

Except the first time I told him "I love you", it initially meant "you deeply intrigue me, I feel highly affectionate towards you, care about your happiness and well-being for some reason, and want to further explore that connection between us. I want us to learn to become a team and to rely on each other, if you want it, too, and you're willing to work with me towards that objective."

Now, 17 years into the relationship, it means "I see you as you are, with all your wonderful qualities and quirks, your amazing heart, your vulnerabilities, your annoying little habits, your ability to frustrate me and drive me totally mad sometimes, while at the same time feeling like something would be missing from my life if you didn't. We can bicker and fight, and three seconds later forget the argument ever happened because those fights don't even matter. Because, when things do matter - when the subject is important, we're a team. I've got your back, you've got mine, we try to find solutions without there ever being a "winner" or a "loser", and do our best to protect each other from hurt as much as we can."

And, contrary to popular belief, "true love" isn't restricted to romantic feelings, nor a single person.

Geralt, Jaskier, and Yennefer have pretty much all reached that "ride-or-die" stage together, combined with that unconditional love and acceptance of who they are, and the ability to find happiness in each other's happiness.

They are able to think in terms of "I", of "we two" and of "we as a family".

It's "true love", bitches!

Jaskier and Radovid are well on their way there, given that neither of them seem to expect the other to be perfect, there's a willingness to compromise and find common ground, and desire to listen to, and understand each other.

Even share resources, as Jaskier was quick to offer Radovid access to his Sandpiper network to keep him safe, and Radovid didn't hesitate to suggest using his financial resources and presence to help Jaskier.

The initial attraction is a very loving one that is turning out to be sufficiently grounded in reality to have the potential to become a truly epic love story.

[pacifymebby]

Hiii, seeing your responses to that virgin anon I have a similar question and I hope it’s ok to come to you with it. So I’m in my mid twenties and I’ve also never had sex nor been in a long term relationship before. I’m using some dating apps here and there and I’ve recently matched with this girl that’s kinda looking for a third person to be/sleep with her and her boyfriend and maybe also start like an open relationship thing with said boyfriend. She seems really sweet so far and if everything works out we’re all going to meet up for coffee next week and see how we feel about each other in person. Do you think that’s a good idea to do for me, given that I have no experience in that department? All I care about is that I feel respected and comfortable before I sleep with someone, but I don’t need it to be the love of my life or something, to lose my virginity too

Hi lovely, I've spent a wee while mulling this over this evening because my gut instinct was to tell you not to do this and I wanted to make sure I wasn't just advising you against something based on my own personal feelings about sex and stuff.

That being said I don't really think it's a great idea for your first time, not because of anything to do with the whole "virginity is sacred" type myths but more to do with safety/safeguarding yourself against potential messy situations and stuff.

I feel like you've potentially outlined my main reason for saying don't do this yourself. When you talk about not needing your first time to be the love of your life, but like you need to feel comfortable and respected etc... generally my experience of dating apps is that when you see a couple looking for a third, they're looking for a prop to use in their own fantasy. And obviously thats not true of every single one (and I'm not slagging poly here either because I know people that poly works for!) It is true of a lot of them and the term "open relationship" sets alarm bells ringing in my head.

Like (this is from my personal experience of sex now btw) I feel like when youre having sex with anyone for the first time, but especially if you're having sex for the first time, you need to be comfortable/safe but you also need them to completely care about your experience and the danger with getting involved with a couple who are experimenting with a third is that they see you as an accessory to their relationship, like not a full third person but someone to use for the alloted time and then kind of shrug off or forget about. The third person can quite often end up being "used" and like not really shown the right level of respect or empathy, it can often feel like the couple and then you, like third wheeling a shag? Or it's fine but then afterwards the third person doesn't receive aftercare in the same or necessary way because that level of respect isn't there.

Again this isnt the case with every threesome/open relationship situ but it happens quite a lot with certain types of couples hanging out on dating apps "looking for a third" and it's something I'd be wary of if I were you.

Like threesomes and open relationships and poly relationships are all good and well and things to experiment with but not for your first time?

This is a fucking silly analogy but, if you were gonna start motor racing you wouldn't strap yourself into Lewis Hamilton's F1 car first, you'd get to grips with the basics and then move up and explore more complicated faster cars once you'd learnt to drive you know? I know that sounds daft as shit but hear me out please haha.

I've got a friend who is poly and when I've talked to her about her relationships it's become really apparent that they're more complicated than monogamous relationships, there's more people and more emotions to be considered and you can really easily start crashing around in them and doing untold emotional damage to yourself and others.

If the couple are just starting out experimenting with a third person or whatever then like, that could be about to cause crazy issues in their relationship, they might not know how to do open relationships "right"/safely and like that could all come back to cause you a lot of stress.

And obviously losing your virginity is largely a social construct however, that doesn't mean that it won't have an emotional impact on you. Whether that emotional impact comes from the ideas society projects onto you from an early age, or whether it comes from something else, you still feel the impact and if stuff goes wrong or like, the aftermath isn't good then it can have a lasting effect on you.

I know lassies that have had shit first times and not been phased by it, and then I know lassies that have been really bothered by it. And I always struggle to give chill advice on here cause I fall into the latter category and am quite instinctively protective of other girls.

All of this being said though, you could be someone who is totally not like me at all and you obviously know yourself better than I know you, I think if you're asking for advice about whether you should or not then that's for one of two reasons

1) your own instinct is telling you to be wary and you're not really sure about it - if this is the case I would say you should maybe wait, you can be involved in that kinda stuff later when you have more experience and feel more confident, you'd probably enjoy it more then anyways

2) you're more asking because you're excited by the idea and want to share it with someone, in which case like, try and take a step back and assess the situation to make sure its right for you/what you want... Weigh up the risks and decide whether you can live with the consequences of going through with it (this sounds way way more dramatic than I mean for it too I just can't think of another way to word it) like, are you a resilient enough girl to just brush it off if it doesn't work out the way you imagine it etc...

Anyway I'm sorry this feels like such a negative response, I think it's cool that you're so comfortable to consider what your virginity means to you personally and stuff, and I think honestly like you have to take some risks in life sometimes, I wouldn't take this one personally but I have been involved in a similar situation before so ya know... If it's something you want to do or feel right about then go for it, even if you just meet for coffee and then decide the vibe isn't right or whatever like... Ultimately with these things I think your gut will tell you in the end, if you've got anxieties about it then I'd listen to them. Obviously we have unhelpful anxiety sometimes but if it's anxiety based on risk assessing a situation which could in fact be risky then its always worth at least considering them haha.

Let me know what you're thinking/what you decide? I hope this was helpful in some way xx

[queerfables]

No, please, by all means be argumentative ;) I love your work as well. I've tried to be respectful in how I talk about this (and I can see you are too) but it's an argumentative stance for me to take in the first place, and I don't mind the disagreement. I hope you'll forgive me, this response got long.

I'm not sure if "fanon creep" is a term people use but "fanon" is a fan interpretation that gets widely accepted as canon even though it's not definitively established. So what I'm talking about when I say fanon creep is the way people's headcanons become entrenched over time, and other fans are forced to either adopt them or specifically challenge them in order to engage with the fandom.

The more entrenched a particular fanon interpretation becomes, the more it's accepted as a fact on par with things that are definitively established in canon, and the harder it becomes to distinguish between these tiers of certainty. It also becomes much harder to explore alternative possibilities which limits creativity, because over time the fanon becomes the expected interpretation and fans either don't consider alternatives or they feel like they have to justify taking a different reading. People coming in new to the fandom get presented with this interpretation as a fact, and without knowing where it comes from or how people arrived at the idea, often repeat it uncritically because they assume the fandom veterans know the canon better than they do. And this is a problem because not understanding the rationale behind the idea leads to the idea being flattened with each retelling. People can't build on it effectively if they don't understand what evidence supports it and what evidence challenges it. People can't come up with alternative theories that fit the evidence if they're confused about what the evidence actually is.

I'm not saying we have to go back to basics and lay out our reasoning every time we want to discuss this idea. I'm saying that when we talk about it, we should talk about it as what it is: a possibility. Lots of meta takes an "if/then" approach and it's still possible to build on this idea while making explicit the assumptions we're relying on when we do. Because while I do think there's evidence to support this idea, I'm nowhere near as confident in it as you are.

The thing is, the theory of evolution is a scientific theory. I apologise for this digression but you've invoked one of the things I'm geeky about, haha. A scientific theory relates to the physical world and we trust it because it's been repeatedly tested and is supported by observable evidence. This just isn't a model that applies to literary analysis, which is based in trying to understand a creative human construct rather than our physical existence. I get that you're saying "it might only be a theory, but it's one with lots of evidence" but the kind of evidence we're talking about is really different. We just can't have the same degree of confidence in our predictions about fiction because fiction is inherently unpredictable.

This is controversial, but I'm not completely convinced Good Omens season 2 is supposed to be viewed as a puzzle box mystery to be solved. This probably ought to be a meta in its own right but I'm here now and it's hard to explain my stance without going into this so I might as well.

Crowley and Aziraphale's conversation about Clues is a Terry Pratchett reference, and specifically it riffs on the beliefs of Samuel Vimes, a no-nonsense police detective who rejects the entire paradigm of Clues.

From Feet of Clay:

Samuel Vimes dreamed about Clues. He had a jaundiced view of Clues. He instinctively distrusted them. They got in the way. And he distrusted the kind of person who’d take one look at another man and say in a lordly voice to his companion, ���Ah, my dear sir, I can tell you nothing except that he is a left-handed stonemason who has spent some years in the merchant navy and has recently fallen on hard times,” and then unroll a lot of supercilious commentary about calluses and stance and the state of a man’s boots, when exactly the same comments could apply to a man who was wearing his old clothes because he’d been doing a spot of home bricklaying for a new barbecue pit, and had been tattooed once when he was drunk and seventeen and in fact got seasick on a wet pavement. What arrogance! What an insult to the rich and chaotic variety of the human experience!

From The Fifth Elephant:

Mr. Vimes had told him never to get too excited about clues, because clues could lead you a dismal dance. They could become a habit. You ended up finding a wooden leg, a silk slipper and a feather at the scene of a crime and constructing an elegant theory involving a one-legged ballet dancer and a production of Chicken Lake.

I can't say for sure what Neil intended by this reference, of course, but I do think that maybe we're supposed to take the emphasis on Clues as a little bit tongue in cheek. This is especially true given Crowley's skeptical reaction, and the fact that the Clue ends up being important to Gabriel personally but not very significant in unravelling the mystery surrounding him.

The other thing that makes me think we can't assume there's a big underlying mystery left unresolved from this season is the enormous barrel of actual red herrings cavorting through the opening credits. Maybe it's pointing towards a mystery-genre type reading, or maybe it's telling us to be skeptical about Clues. And this is really my fundamental point: when there are multiple possible readings supported by the evidence, we really can't take anything for granted. There's a certain level of subjectivity involved when we speculate about what's most likely.

That's why I say it's important to be aware of the assumptions we're making. If we assume season 2 is a mystery puzzle that we're supposed to try and solve, then it's reasonable to assume there must be important questions left unanswered. If we assume there are important questions left unanswered, it's reasonable to give extra weight to discrepancies and patterns, like the way Crowley talks about memory. If we assume there's weighted meaning behind the way Crowley talks about memory, it's only sensible to add up all the things he says and consider it through the lense that season 2 is a mystery we're supposed to solve. And when we do that, we get: of course Crowley lost his memory. Only, we started from an unproven assumption. Maybe season 2 isn't a mystery puzzle we're meant to solve! If that assumption is wrong, the whole theory's credibility comes into question. It doesn't necessarily fall apart but the evidence behind it is weaker. And each new assumption we make introduces new places where we could be mistaken. So if we make three assumptions that we don't realise are assumptions when we conclude that Crowley lost his memory, that's three hidden sources of potential error. And if we approach our next meta from a foundation of, "as we know, Crowley lost his memory when he Fell" we're carrying those potential sources of error into our next analysis, still without being aware of them. It leads us to overestimate how confident we can be in our claims and misrepresent them as stronger than they really are. And to circle back to my initial post, this is why I think it's so important to distinguish between canon and interpretation.

In any case, I highly encourage you to write the meta laying out the evidence for why you feel so strongly about this. Perhaps I'll write a counter meta explaining my doubts, and we can have it out the old-fashioned way like bitter academic rivals (I think the tradition is pistols at dawn?) <3

At this stage, Crowley having lost memories from before the Fall is a theory, not a given. There's some evidence for it but nothing like proof. It's fine to base analysis on the possibility but your argument will be much stronger if you acknowledge that it's an if. If Crowley lost his memories, then - whatever it is this implies or raises questions about.

Maybe I'm being too precious about What's Really Canon but we're only a few months into a hiatus that's going to last years, and I'm desperately hoping we can avoid fanon creep as much as possible. So I'm encouraging us, in all areas, to notice when we're accepting possibilities as givens. We can build theories on top of theories but it's really crucial that we acknowledge which parts are assumptions. Because each incorrect assumption that we rely on takes us further away from the truth. This is such a smart fandom and I love reading everyone's perspectives. I want us to keep all our avenues for speculation open, including the ones that go against dominant fandom readings.

[nellie-elizabeth]

The Handmaid's Tale: Motherland (5x08)

Man, this is a good episode. This is a good show.

Cons:

The only thing I can think of as a con for this episode is the things it didn't include. Moira hasn't had a lot of connection to this season's main plot, and I've been missing her perspective on things. She and Luke and June are all co-parenting Nichole together, and she has been pushed to the side of things for a while now.

Pros:

June's plot in this episode centers around the big question of whether or not she should go back to Gilead for Hannah. On the one side, there's Lawrence, setting up this New Bethlehem project that will hypothetically begin to mend some of the human rights violations of Gilead. He wants June to come there, to be able to live with Luke and Nichole, to be near to Hannah when she becomes the head of her own household. And then on the other hand, Tuello is telling her to please, please not go back, that she is symbolic of American resistance to Gilead, and her giving in will be a huge blow. He promises to work as hard as he can to get Hannah out, as long as June will stay put in Canada.

I love this dichotomy. It's such a culmination of June's struggles over the entire history of the show. All she's wanted to do is save Hannah, she has felt like such a failure leaving Gilead without her. And yet this is a real issue, a choice that has huge ramifications. Rita says she'd do anything if her son was still alive and she could be with him. But Luke points out that Gilead cannot be trusted. The chance to be closer to Hannah likely isn't worth the risk of putting themselves, and Nichole, under Gilead's control once again.

This plot thread teased out the tensions between Luke and June brilliantly, and thus this was probably my favorite episode of the season in terms of exploring their dynamic as a married couple. When Luke tries to talk June out of going, June accuses Luke of not being able to understand what she's feeling, and she uses what Luke did to Serena as evidence of that. How could he separate a mother and child like that? But then Luke points out the obvious truth that June is putting her trust in Lawrence, the Architect of Gilead, and that she seems to be sympathizing with her tormentor, Serena. It's hard to trust that she's thinking rationally right now.

The thing is, they don't understand each other. And whatever happens from here, whether Tuello is able to return Hannah to them or not, I don't know if they're ever going to be entirely on the same page. I'm excited for Hannah to come to Canada, if indeed we're going to get that. We saw how hard reintegration was for June, and Hannah is going to have a much harder time, considering she was so young when her brainwashing began.

Commander Lawrence is a fascinating character, and this episode gave us new and important insight into his motivations and mind. Why did someone as irreverent and and seemingly reasonable as Lawrence, create something like Gilead? Well, because he was trying to save the world. Late stage capitalism was killing the planet and its inhabitants. He thought he could use religious fanatics as the delivery method, and then it all went way too far. He knows it's not enough, he knows the suffering he's caused, but he's hoping Gilead can improve, and that New Bethlehem can be a step in the right direction. He basically says that if he can't help make things better, he might as well kill himself like his wife. My favorite part of the scene with Lawrence was when June pointed out that Hannah is going to be a child bride, but he said Nichole wouldn't be. That in the next five, ten years, things will get better. His hope is palpable, but he also can't make any real promises. He doesn't know how to fix what he's broken, but this is the only way he knows how to try.

And then you've got Serena's plot thread. The magnetism between June and Serena remains one of the most compelling things about the show. I liked that they got this one-on-one meeting here, as it sort of wrapped up some of the things left hanging after last week. I appreciate that Serena didn't assume June had betrayed her, and indeed continues to try and reach out to her until she comes. June has to shut her down, telling her they're not friends, and June can never forgive her, but Serena clings to the connection she feels they've formed, after all they've shared together. In the end, June gives Serena some advice: go back to the Wheelers to be near her son. Play the meek Handmaid, and all the time, plot on how to get her revenge and keep her son by her side.

The Wheelers are so... spooky. Especially Mrs. Wheeler, who has this cultish devotion to Gilead but who's also clearly a super unkind and unpleasant person at her core. Serena is in this house, allowed to breastfeed her son but otherwise told she must keep away from parenting decisions. The irony is clear, and stated several times in the episode, that Serena is now a victim in the system she helped to create. That now she has to live with a woman who wants to steal her child, the same way she did to June. I can't wait to see where this goes.

The pieces on the chessboard are all set up. The American government is making its move, just as Lawrence and Nick make progress on their plan to make Gilead a better place. June is remaining with the Americans for now, even as mounting tensions with Canadian citizens makes it a hard place to live. Luke and Moira and June are dancing up and down and celebrating Hannah's imminent return, but how will it all shake out? Just a couple more weeks of this season to find out!

9/10

[maskyartist]

*kicks door down, scatters my Augustus thoughts everywhere* PSPSPSPPSPSPSPSPSPSPS AUGUSTUS AQUATO STANS CMERE I GOT CONTENT FOR U

to make a long story short, it's 5am and im vibrating with these disjointed ideas i got for Augustus' mindscape so yall get to hear me ramble about it :D it probably wont make much sense? but these are super rough concepts that im just puttin down to see how i vibe with it (and maybe get feedback if yall end up throwin asks my way just sayin just sayin i will ramble MORE if u enable me and i'll do it for FREE)

so yeah enjoy my nonsensical ramblings about the only man i'd trust with my drink ever

a quick note, all of this is post-Psychonauts 2 so expect spoilers :D

|

okay so i dont have a catchy name for Augustus's mental world just yet but im considering "Augustus' Anomalies" or somethin i'll get back on that anyways-

|

i so badly want Augustus's mind to be a walk down memory lane. the whole place is like extreme platforming, think those super hard final levels in mario or somethin, so yeah this is Raz's home here he's gettin all over the place so easy. the idea is that the further you get, the more you find his repressed memories and feelings, things he's pushed down until he's forgotten so he doesn't need to face them. he doesnt have time for that with 5 kids, his wife, and his Nona around! he's a busy man!

but now? after everything? he only has time to think on his hands. and it's making it much harder to keep it all down, especially since he's just started remembering everything.

in comes Raz (and probably a few others. maybe the family too? or just Trouble Trio i aint sure) offering to do a mental wellness check on his dear ol dad, to clean up a bit and help him think a bit clearer

and to everyones shock, Augustus agrees, offering his mind for Razputin to explore as he pleases. when he's asked he just smiles. it's sad and tired.

"I don't want to hide things." he admits with a shake of his head. "Not after so much was hidden from me. My son deserves better."

so into the mental world we go! :D

|

we start in front of a small blue tent, similar to Raz starting in a dark room with just the Caravan in front of him when he explored his own mind, and going through reveals a whole new world. its full of bright lights and colorful displays, rides and games and everything you'd expect to see at a circus. a properly funded circus at least.

however, that's below you. in actuality, you've spawned on a rather narrow platform with a tightrope in front of you leading to Mental Augustus who sits atop it with little issue. talking to him reveals that he's not...entirely "all there". he's still very much Augustus, but there's parts of him missing. in terms of design, he's completely monochromed (and maybe wearing a mask he cant take off? im futzin as we speak) and to bring him back to full color you gotta find these missing parts of him.

there's three parts missing, kinda similar to Cassie's level. but unlike Cassie's level, these arent archetypes that Augustus needs back. they're memories he genuinely can't find on his own. the ones that were either repressed by the Astralathe or by Augsutus's own subconscious to prevent him from feeling more hurt then he already is.

the missing parts are

- Happiness

- Anger

and - Sadness

at least so far. im still feelin it out.

|

each section is held in it's own large looking tent that is slowly leading to a Big Top in the center. the level is made up of two sections, a "ground area" with concession stands and a bunch of figments and some mental constructs of people like his family, random carnies he's met when he was in Grulovia, and even some of the psychonauts :D only Milla, Sasha, and Oleander tho. they're the only ones that are important to him atm.

(Milla and Sasha are viewed rather nicely while Oleander seems to be getting the cold shoulder so....Augustus isn't over the whole "trying to kill my son and making him sneeze out his brain" thing quite yet)

the other part is a "sky area" or rather an area that's entirely off the ground, with tight jumps and carefully placed tightropes and trapeze placed all over to get around. on the ground you'll find the Emotional Baggage while in the air you'll find their Tags (to show that Augustus would rather repress his emotions then fully recognize them and accept them yknow?)

|

first area's Happiness. the tent is seemingly from the early years of the Flying Aquato's Circus, very well made and well decorated as you head inside. there's a performance going on and your job is to help it move along smoothly since it seems they're missing a few people...

you help set up some balance balls, tie together some tightropes, and adjust the spotlights while the show goes on under you. once everything's in place, the show finishes with a human pyramid which is topped by a young Augustus colored yellow. he smiles all broad and gap-toothed and waves at you until you jump on and land on his hands to finish the show properly

(if you look close, you can see the Gzar and a young Gristol watching the show from these theater seats. they look out of place in the tent, as if they're too....nice looking to be there. but they're there, and they look bored as hell.)

once it's over, Happiness (as we'll call him) goes over to Raz and asks him to take him back now. the show's over, after all! he can't just stay here forever when there's so much more to see! like Bob's Bottles you end up essentially teleporting back to the tightrope the Mental Augustus is still sat at. Happiness essentially tackles Augustus and the man laughs before hugging the young version of himself. a bit cautiously but it gets easier once he actually commits to it. Happiness melts away and Augustus gains some color, but not all of it.

first area complete :D

|

aaaand thats all i got rn. unfortunately. this is a super rough idea rn, and it'll be polished a lot before im satisfied with it in some kinda way, but i have a lot of thoughts

so tldr ; Augustus' mind is about digging up old repressed memories, good bad and ugly, and learning to accept them as part of you. even if they hurt, it's worse to ignore it all and let it simmer.

i also would like Maligugustus to be a final boss? but idk m thinkin.

if yall actually read all this im very impressed???? and if u have thoughts on this stuff definitely send em my way cause i have ideas for the Second and Third area and THATS where the angst is gonna hit i assure u

...anyways imma go get some sleep

[archive-of-bones]

Home is where you are

[Yan! Dainsleif x reader]

[Prologue]

Parts:

[Summary: "I will be with you after all of this is over."]

[Unedited]

Prologue

You were but a simple farmer, with a love for the world and everyone that resided in it. Adventure was one of the things you longed for, to see the world outside of the lush gold fields that dominated your sight.

But it seemed that your freedom couldn't be obtained, the knowledge you wanted to seek through adventure out of your reach due to the lack of prowess. That was until /he/ came to pass by your village, dressed in peculiar garb you never really questioned; appearance was merely an illusion for what was truly hiding inside a person after all.

Now, you weren't exactly ignorant and couldn't help but notice the similarities of his profile to creatures of the Abyss. You've seen them a couple of times before hired adventurers would ward them off of your crops and stop harming people, you were an odd child, you wanted to know where exactly they came from and what they actually want.

Your curiosity is what perhaps had drawn you to him.

"Hello, I don't exactly have a set identity. My name is Dainsleif, I assume you have some sort of business with me?" His hands are interlocked with each other as he faced you across the table of a busy tavern.

"I know I'm no traveler but... You're accepting commission regarding the Abyss right?" You mustered all the confidence you found within yourself just to look at him in the eye seriously.

"Yes, is there anything I can do for you?" His head slightly tilts and you felt your palms sweat.

"I was thinking about commissioning you to accompany me in exploring places like domains," you paused, pulling out a book of notes containing your rather dangerous observations while people slaughtered the monsters for the village's safety. "I'm going to be honest with my intentions, I'd like to go out and explore the world and knowing where and what the Abyss is. I'd like to see it for myself, I am not content in hearing it from the words of adventurers alone."

Dainsleif got the impression that you were a very curious person much like himself. Exploring the unknown? With such straightforward statements towards him? Your intentions are pure, he noted as he chuckled. "I don't see why not, all I ask for is 500 Mora and three answered questions."

"That's oddly specific.." He heard you mutter under your breath.

"This is a one time time fee only." He added, not commenting on your remark on his requirements. "First question, who do you think holds importance to the eyes of the gods in this world? Those with visions or those without visions?"

You shrugged. "For me it would be none, if they actually cared then there would be no people who are suffering and or wearing visions as a badge of what they've gone through." You stole a glance at the leather bound book you have written your observations into. "I have a feeling the gods only want to sit on a throne, not actually guide or look after people."

He nodded at your response. "Second question, what sparks your fascination?"

"Random things people consider unorthodox, bones or stars or monsters, there is no in between." He sensed a slight deadpan tone on your voice upon such answer.

"I see, let's get on to the third." He shifted for a bit in his seat. "What are you willing to give up to sate your fascination?"

"My peaceful life I guess, I mean why stay and do the same cycle people have been doing in this town for generations when there's something to really live for in this world?" Your smile was as bright as the sun as you talked.

"You know what you want, good. Should we get going then?" He asked, preparing to get up from his seat to leave.

"Please allow me to prepare for this journey, we will meet here again tomorrow morning." You bowed.

"I'll look forward to it then."

[Notes: I know there's not any yandere here, but trust me it will progress. Sorry if it's shitty and rushed bc it's really my quick brainrot hours rn.]

Tags: @yostresswritinggirl @mutsukittylckyouma @sporadiclilbook

[alj4890]

Angst Prompt

Dawn’s Early Light

(Part Three to One Fateful Night)

As requested by many of you.

(Liam x OC) in a one shot continuation of the angsty One Fateful Night.

A/N Here's some happiness to the angst so many sent messages about. I know it is still bittersweet in a way, with Riley being dead and all, but I think it gives our favorite prince a chance to find true love after all. On another note, I had at one time considered Liam meeting someone in Washington D.C. in another story where Riley died the night of the Homecoming Ball in Book 2. I guess this makes up for deleting it and never posting, LOL.

Part 2 The Dark Before the Dawn

 @kingliam2019 @texaskitten30 @yourmajesty09   @gkittylove99 @krsnlove   @mom2000aggie @twinkleallnight @lodberg @sweatyrysconnoisseur ​ @motorcitymademadame ​

Masterlist

Dawn’s Early Light

Somewhere in Maryland...

"Sir?"

Liam grimaced at the voice coming through loud and clear from his cell phone. The one time he convinced Bastien that he could travel on his own and the man still made certain to call every hour.

"Yes?" He huffed.

"Your current location?"

"That at the moment is a little difficult to pinpoint." Liam squinted through the pouring rain. "One of the roads was flooded and the numerous detours have sent me further east of D.C."

He could hear frantic mutterings in the background, papers shifting and clicks from computers.

"Pull over and we will try to locate you." Bastien ordered.

Liam looked about at the flour lane highway, barely able to see five feet ahead of him. "There isn't a spot to do so. I'll call once I find a safe place."

"Your majesty," he could hear the frustration in his Head of the King's Guards' voice, "this is why I insisted we fly down together."

"And I knew this was my last chance to take a road trip of sorts." Liam countered. "You worry too much, Bastien."

"And you don't worry enough." Bastien muttered. "If you haven't found a place within the next hour, I am coming to find you."

"Make sure to bring a rowboat." Liam teased. "That's probably the best way to travel here."

His jest was met with silence.

"Bastien?" Liam glanced down at his phone and saw the call had dropped. Tossing it back in the passenger seat, he continued on down the road.

*****************

Outside of Annapolis...

"No!" Autumn pleaded when her tire burst. "You've got to be kidding me!"

Pulling over onto the shoulder of the highway, she tried to call her parents.

"Gee, thanks for no bars." She grumbled, chucking her phone back into her purse.

Reaching for her coat she prepared herself mentally to change her own tire.

Why did Dad have to make it so boring? He knew I wouldn't pay attention!

It had been ten years since she had sat through that lesson, day dreaming of the cute guy who sat next to her in chemistry class.

And just like her lack of luck with Mr. Chemistry, she was about to fail miserably with her tire.

She pulled the flashlight and tools out her father insisted she keep in her vehicle at all times and stepped out into the rainstorm.

"Any creepy serial killers out there," she yelled towards the darkened woods that lined the highway, "now is NOT the time to mess with me!"

She paused in removing the jack from her trunk. "That goes for any wild animals unless you're the helpful kind from fairy tales."

She snorted at her own joke as she set reflectors along the road. "And if you know of any princes, do send them my way."

"Alright car, you and I have been through it." She patted it's side. "All the snow storms in Pennsylvania. New jobs. New apartments. Ex boyfriends." She knelt by the flat tire. "Let's get through this and I'll treat you to a tank of premium gas."

She removed the hubcap and blinked when a pair of bright headlights pulled up behind her.

"Didn't I specifically demand no serial killers?" She muttered to herself as she saw the silhouette of a man start walking her way.

"Pardon me?" A cultured voice called out. "Are you in need of any assistance?"

She lifted her hand to shield her eyes from the light. "I wouldn't say no to some help."

Her mystery person stopped a couple of feet away from her and studied her tire.

"Where's the jack?"

She handed it to him and watched as he expertly began to raise the back end up.

"Here's the tool kit." She handed it over, discreetly keeping a screwdriver in her hand in case he was a psycho.

"I hate to keep you out in the rain, but could you shine your flashlight here so I can remove the lug nuts?"

"Right. Of course." She dutifully lifted it where he directed.

"Perfect." He turned to smile at her. "Thank you."

She blinked at how handsome he was. "I, no problem. I should be thanking you."

"My pleasure." He looked around. "I don't suppose you know where we are, do you?"

Oh no. A hot psycho. Just my luck.

"Um, don't you know?" She took a cautious step back.

"I've never been in this part of America before." He explained, unaware of her trepidation. "I lost GPS about two hours ago."

"Oh." She relaxed and stepped closer. "We're about forty-five minutes from Annapolis.

"How far is that from D.C.?" He asked.

"About forty minutes or so depending on traffic." She tilted her head. "Let me guess. You're a politician or aide of some sort."

He chuckled. "Not really."

"You certainly don't sound like the men in Washington."

"Oh? And how do they sound?"

"Arrogant jerks. Every last one of them. Even the mailroom guys act like they rule the world." Her nose wrinkled.

"Ah." Her handsome stranger removed her flat tire and placed the spare on. "Not fond of men in power, I take it."

"Not really." She squatted next to him, hoping she would remember his actions in case she had another flat tire some time in the future. "I guess there's bound to be one man out there who actually wants to serve the people instead of having them serve him."

"I see." He glanced over at her. "I like to think there are honest rulers out there."

Her brow furrowed. "Rulers?" She studied his profile. "You're not American, are you?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Where are you from?" Her eyes narrowed in thought. "Your accent is hard to place."

"Cordonia" he grunted as he tightened the lug nuts. "Have you heard of it?"

"It sounds familiar." She muttered.

"It is a tiny but beautiful country in Europe." He explained.

"Isn’t every European nation?” She teased. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard of of one that I would turn down a vacation to.”

He began to lower her car back down with the jack. "All done."

"I don't know how to thank you." She pushed her wet hair back, wondering how horrible she must look as she picked up the safety reflectors

"No need." He smiled warmly. "Have a good evening, my lady." With an instinctive bow, he turned and walked back to his own car.

"My lady?" Her lips quirked with humor. Perhaps the fairy tale animals had sent her a prince. "Hey! Wait!"

He paused with his car door open. "Yes?"

"There's an all night diner a few miles ahead." She took a deep breath. "Would you like to follow me there? We could dry off and I could buy you a piece of pie as a thank you."

Her hero's smile grew brighter. "I'd like that. Lead the way."

********************

"I'm Autumn." She held her hand out as they waited to be seated.

"A pleasure to meet you. My name is Liam." He took her hand and bowed over it.

"Is that how people greet one another in Cordonia?" She asked.

"It is the norm from where I grew up." He responded with a sheepish grin.

He shook her hand. "Is that better?"

"Your way was fine." She glanced down at their clasped hands. "I just feel a little under dressed for such a proper greeting."

"Nonsense." Liam continued to hold her hand. "A little water logged perhaps, but lovely nonetheless."

Her lips parted in surprise.

"Just the two of you?"

The pair turned toward a waitress.

"Yes." Autumn replied. "Just us."

"Follow me." She sat them at a table and handed over some menus. "What can I get you to drink?"

"Coffee, please." Autumn replied.

"I'll have the same." Liam added.

"Coming right up."

*********************

"Autumn?" Liam tested her name. "Were you given that name due to being born in the fall?"

She shook her head. "My parents have a warped sense of humor. I was born in April."

He laughed causing her to smile once more.

She thought his laughter had such a warm encompassing sound that made her want to hear it often as she could.

"They also wanted to have their kids' initials for Pennsylvania." She rolled her eyes. "My older brother, Patrick, took care of the P while I completed it with an A." Her own laughter bubbled out. "Then my unplanned younger brother was born and threw those initials out the door."

"What did they name him?" Liam asked.

"August, since he was born in January. Being that he was a surprise, they went with another A name to have an, aaahhh, moment at the end of P.A.."

Liam shook with his laughter over her parents. "They sound delightful."

"They sound that way," she teased, "but when you live with them..." Her smile softened. "They really are great parents and my brothers aren't too bad either."

"I have an older brother." He told her. "Leo and I were never as close as I wished we could have been. He spends so much time traveling and exploring the world that I don't have the heart to pressure him into coming home more often." A sadness came over him. "I've never seen him so happy as when he sends me pictures from his latest adventure."

"He's a wandering soul." She added.

"Precisely." Liam refocused on her. "And a wanderer withers and dies if tied down."

"What about your parents?" She asked.

"My mother died when I was very young and my father passed away about five years ago." He explained. "I'm close to my stepmother, Regina. She and Leo are all I have left for family."

"I'm sorry." Autumn mumbled. "I didn't mean to dredge up painful--"

Her breath caught when he laid his hand over hers. She thought she could actually feel herself getting lost in his blue eyes...which was something she teased her friends over every time they mentioned something like that. Yet here she was, finding herself falling for a man who changed her tire in the rain.

He gently squeezed her fingers. "Nothing to apologize for. I miss them but I am done grieving."

As their waitress brought them a fresh pot of coffee, Liam realized how true that statement was. He was done grieving for all of his lost loved ones.

******************

"Now then." Liam looked up from his menu. "Do you work in Washington?"

"I do." She replied. "Not in a political aspect though."

"What do you do?" He asked.

"I'm an archivist at the National Air and Space Museum."

His expression brightened with interest. "I've always wanted to visit the Smithsonian. To work and preserve the very fabric of your nation's history must be fascinating."

"It is!" She leaned forward as she became more animated about her work.

Deciding to prolong this conversation, the two ordered a meal before indulging in pie.

Liam listened, asking questions that only made her more excited in sharing this piece of her life.

It was rare for Autumn to find anyone interested in what she did.

"Right now, my team is working on digitizing everything we have on rocket tests during the 1950's." She explained. "Reading through the vast paperwork, various film and photographs, all audio recordings; I get to sift through every bit of it for our records."

"I once assisted an archivist at the palace library." Liam told her. "I discovered long ago manuscripts and journals in a hidden nook." His smile softened at the memory. "It was all by accident. My best friend and I were playing in one of the ballrooms when the soccer ball we were kicking around struck a piece of the baseboards, causing a hidden door to open."

Autumn's eyes widened. "It's a wonder you didn't get in trouble with the palace curators. They do not appreciate anyone playing around the exhibits."

Liam chuckled. "I was lucky the curators were fond of me."

"You knew them?" She asked. "Were they family members?"

"They aren't family, but I did know them." He replied, being deliberately mysterious about who he was.

He hadn't had a normal conversation in years. When she didn't recognize him, he felt a lightness he had felt on that long ago night in New York. He had forgotten how it was, how it made him feel. So often, people said the things they thought he wanted to hear. He missed the back and forth of sharing personal tidbits.

Autumn grimaced when she realized she had basically dominated the conversation for nearly an hour.

"Enough about my work," she smiled at him, "what do you do? Did you come here for business or to finally see the Smithsonian?"

He chuckled before taking a sip of his coffee. "As much as I would prefer spending my days wandering through museums, I am here to meet with government officials."

Her nose wrinkled. "I’m sorry. I do not envy you for that." Her eyebrow lifted. "What's the government like in Cordonia? Do you have a prime minister or something similar to our president?"

"We are a constitutional monarchy with the king as the Head of State." He explained.

"I see. Then you work in some capacity for him?" She continued. "You must to be here for meetings."

Liam lowered his eyes. "I suppose you could say that."

"So what's your job title?" She persisted. "Are you a member of the house of lords or whatever you have? Aide to the king?"

"I have a higher position than anything like that." He hedged. "Which is why I'm the only one to attend these meeting the next couple of weeks."

Her brow furrowed. "The king doesn't handle stuff like that?"

"He does which is why I'm here." He focused on her eyes. "The king is the only one to handle the approval for trade agreements and maintaining friendly relations with other countries."

"Then why isn’t he..." She burst into laughter. "You really had me going there for a moment." She shook her head at him. "Nice try, but no king travels alone on highways in a Nissan Altima."

"I do when I want to appear a regular man." He explained.

"Because isn't that royalty is all about?" She giggled some more. "Living life as a middle class man."

"I'm sincere." He argued. "I really am the King of Cordonia."

Her laughter died. "And just when I thought you weren't mentally unhinged." She sighed while picking at her piece of blueberry pie. "I knew you were too good to be true. No man can be both selfless and handsome without a few screws loose."

Liam's elation she found him attractive caught him by surprise. It wasn't that other women had not said similar to him at various functions. It was that he actually felt attracted to her too.

"I can prove I'm the king."

"How long have you believed you were king?" She asked. "Any chance you've thought you were someone else at one time? Napoleon Bonaparte? King Tut?"

He snorted on his laughter. "I've been king for over six years now. The rest of my life was spent as a prince."

"Uh huh." She poured them each another cup of coffee. "Guess that explains why you weren't banned from the palace for playing soccer."

"It is my home." He pointed out.

"Sure it is." She patted his hand. "And I'm sure you're the best king out there who knows how to change a tire."

"I only know because my best friend taught me." Liam explained. "He was one of the few people in my life who did not allow me to become a spoiled prince."

"Right." She smiled at him. "It's been great and all." She reached into her purse for her wallet. "And I do thank you so much for your help with the flat tire, but I should go."

"You don't believe me?" He asked.

"I believe you believe it." She said cautiously.

Liam quickly pulled his phone out and handed it to her. "Look up Cordonia."

"Just because you think you're a king doesn't mean you can order me around." Her eyes narrowed in warning. "Besides, I wouldn't use your phone. You'd probably have me looking at some doctored photos of yourself."

"Forgive me I didn’t mean to make it sound like a command." Liam ran a hand through his hair. "I've never met anyone who didn't believe I am who I say."

"First time for e everything, huh?" She hesitated when she saw his disappointment. "Fine." She searched for her phone. "I'll play along if you find our waitress. I'm going to need more pie as I research you."

He grinned while doing as she asked.

Autumn wandered of it was because it was the middle of the night that made her sit here with some guy claiming to be--

"No!" Her eyes darted from the images of King Liam of Cordonia to the Liam sitting at her table. "You're really a king?!"

"Would you care for another slice of blueberry or a different type of pie?" He asked with a bright smile.

"Blueberry." Her jaw was still dropped.

"Another slice of blueberry please for the lady and I'll have a slice of apple."

"Why on earth are you traveling lone highways in Maryland?" She asked when their waitress left.

"I flew in to New York for a few meetings with U.N. representatives. Our representative is new to her job and I wanted to encourage her." He explained. "Then I suppose I caught a bit of wanderlust from my brother and wanted to drive down to D.C." He took a bite of his new slice of pie. "It's rare I am able to convince my security team to let me out of their sight, but there are times when I like to be alone with my thoughts."

"I guess you have a lot of people demanding your time." She conceded.

"I do, which is why I make time for the people and activities that are important to me." He looked up at her. "Experience has taught me how fleeting time can be and we should make the most of every moment we are given."

"I like that." She cut into her slice with her fork while scrolling through images of Cordonia. "A lot of people get so easily wrapped up in their work and don't realize that they are missing out on so much more."

"Are you one of those people?"

Autumn paused chewing to consider his question. "Sometimes. I can get so wrapped up in a project and shut out the world going on around me." She shrugged. "Then something happens to shake me back to reality."

Liam grinned when it hit him that his being confirmed king had not changed the way she spoke to him.

As if reading his thoughts, her fork clattered on her plate. "I can't believe you really are a king." Her head tilted as she studied him. "You really don't act like how I imagine one would."

Liam folded his arms on the table and leaned forward. His bright blue eyes held her gray ones. "How should I act?"

She snorted. "For one thing you wouldn't have stood out in the pouring rain to change a tire."

"Aren't fairy tales filled with princes rescuing damsel in distress?" He countered.

She rolled her eyes playfully. "It isn't like you slayed a dragon."

"According to your imagination, what should I have done in that situation?" He countered, delighted with her not putting him on a pedestal.

"First off, if you were on a," she made quotation marks with her fingers, "road trip, you'd probably be in a limo since your private jet is tucked away in a hangar somewhere."

"But then I would have a driver and thus not able to be alone." He reminded her.

"True." She propped her chin on her hand and smiled. "We'll forget the car then since you are chivalrous and in need of a break." She gestured with her free hand around the diner. "A king wouldn't come her, happily order food, nor be willing to sit here for hours listening to some girl talk about museums."

"Why not?" Liam asked. "He could have been hungry since he had been lost for a while."

"I guess that's a reasonable possibility." Autumn muttered.

"And if he wanted to know more about the damsel he rescued, then shouldn't he be at least willing to remain here with her?"

"Maybe." She forced herself to look away from him. "Then again, maybe this is a night for things out to the ordinary to happen." She asked their waitress for their check.

Autumn shushed his arguments, insisting on paying for his meal.

At that moment, Bastien and some guards walked in.

Liam's eyes widened. "Bastien? How did you find me?"

"We have a tracker on your phone, your majesty." He explained. "We really need to get you to Washington. You have an early morning of..."

Liam tuned him out and focused once more on the lady he had met tonight.

"It's my fault." Autumn spoke up. "I wanted to thank Liam with some pie for his help earlier."

She stood up and held her hand out. “Thank you again for helping me.”

Liam pressed a soft kiss to her knuckles. "It was a pleasure to meet you, Autumn."

"I..." She could feel her entire body blush with that simple touch. "I'm happy to have met you too, Liam." She grimaced. "I mean, your majesty. Should I curtsy?"

He chuckled. "Just Liam with no curtsey is fine."

"Liam no curtsey." She winked at him. "Nice name for a king." Nodding farewell toward his guards, she slipped out of the restaurant.

Liam watched her drive off from one of the windows.

He wondered if he had just met the one.

[lk-ramblings]

Carpe Noctem

Seize the Night

Meral x Aydın

MenajerimiAra

"I want movement, not a calm course of existence. I want excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I feel in myself a superabundance of energy which finds no outlet in our quiet life."

-Leo Tolstoy

* * *

Her thumb hovered over the number, only to be used in case of an emergency.

Well, this qualified as an emergency in her opinion. Dicle had not responded to her texts for an hour about whether she had reached Barış or not, and worry was clawing at Meral's insides. She decided to call.

'Merhaba. Aydın? This is Meral.....Dicle's housemate."

A low chuckle sounded at the other end. "Merhaba. Yes, this is Aydın, Barış's brother."

"I know who you are."

"And I know who you are."

She rolled her eyes. " Harika. I was just calling to ask if Dicle texted you or......" she trailed off, suddenly realising how awkward this was. Damn it. She was never anything less than sensible.

"Not since I texted her the address. Is there any problem?"

"Yok. Yok. I just worried since it's quite late and the neighbourhood.....well they must be talking and she forgot."

"Hmm. Yes. Talking. Probably."

She had the feeling he was laughing at her and bristled. " Well, thankyou. Sorry to bother you. Iyi geceler."

                      *     *     *

He could imagine her derisive look, the one he had seen her wearing when talking about Beren. The idea of her rolling her eyes sparked something in him and made him want to snatch the opportunity.

"Wait-"

"Yes?"

"Um....." he did not know what to say, and he was sorely out of practice with conversing about anything other than work. "Your concern for Dicle is very touching," he finished lamely.

There was silence on the other end and he could not really blame her.

"Well...thankyou I think? I hope Barış feels better and comes back soon," she sounded sincere in her goodwill and it warmed his heart, as anything related to Barış always did.

"Yes, InşAllah. I met him today, he's doing better now."

"Good to hear..."

"I was wondering, if you wanted to meet up and discuss? Barış and Dicle, yani. Or general things. Actually more of general things. Since, New Year's was fun and...."

Silence again. He was just about to make sure the call had not dropped, when she spoke, "That sounds great. Where do you want to meet?"

His heart gave an excited thump." Wherever you want."

"Oh, I have a great idea," he heard the smile in her voice that already had him looking forward to tomorrow with a new excitement.

                      *     *     *

Her favourite restaurant was roaring with white noise, the air perfumed with spices. Her mouth was watering and she was already anticipating the pleasure the meal would bring to sate her growling stomach. Even her great love of food was not enough to occupy her thoughts entirely, though.

She was nervous and excited; wondering if they would still have the connection she felt at the New Year's party. It was hard to determine what he felt from the few glances they managed to exchange at parties. Her imagined conversations, however, kept being interrupted by the couple arguing right behind her booth.

She sighed. She was just about to turn around and jump in their quarrel, when he arrived.

Meral had convinced herself that her years of romance and dizi infatution had embellished her memory of him. She had taken extra care dressing up, all the while telling herself she was being silly. Neyse, what had all the effort on that doomed Singles Party been for? Only a single glance?

She did not need to worry or dress up, she reassured herself. It was just a pair of acquaintances meeting. It could be fun even.

The reality of him exceeded her memory. He was snug in a crimson sweater, bold and festive; his hair and face shining from the outside cold. He looked brooding in a dangerous sort of way and she was suddenly glad she had gone to the extra effort.

But then he smiled and Meral was forced to consider that smiles always won over broody pouts.

"Hoş Geldin!"

"Hoş Bulduk. Pardon, did I keep you waiting? You seemed to be frustrated when I came in."

"Ha! That wasn't you." She leaned forward and lowered her voice- motioning to the booth behind her- and he did the same." I was about to join in their fascinating discussion about stocks and resolve the issue for them. As an unbiased third party."

"Ofcourse, because you are an accountancy expert."

"No, because I'm incurably nosy."

He barked a surprised laugh at her.

"Do you often get involved in things that are none of your business?" he said, trying to match her tone.

"Unfortunately, no. That's Dicle. I always gather information but only get in fights that are my business. And I win." She sent a quick prayer of thanks for the loud couple for kickstarting their conversation.

"Öyle mı?"

"Aynen."

"Speaking of Dicle, how is Kiraç Bey doing?"

"Much better!"

"Good to hear. Geçmiş olsun."

"Sağ ol."

She was just thinking they were in danger of lapsing into an awkward pause, when the waiter arrived to save them from it.

"Hoş Geldin. Meral Hanım, the usual?"

"Yes, please!"

"You come here often? I'll have what the lady is having then," Aydın said, closing the menu.

"Yes, I love this place. It's so close to our home too," she continued after the waiter had left. "You're sitting in our special booth, actually."

"Whose?"

"Dicle and mine. We always sit in the same place everytime so the staff practically has it reserved for us."

He smiled but then a teasing glint came into his eyes, "Same place, same order. You don't like new possibilities?"

She could not believe he had hit close to her vulnerable spot so quickly. Half of her wanted to welcome the exploration, delighting in someone trying to know her. The other half, the dominant, ever-sensible one wanted to retreat.

"I do. But there's comfort in familiarity. Honestly? I've realised I would thrive in a communist setting."

Aydın laughed, spluttering, the glass of water raised midway." You say the oddest things."

The pleasure of making him laugh made her glow and she relaxed. "If I have too many choices, it’s my fault if I make the wrong one. But if decisions have been made for me? Not only can I complain to my heart's content, but I also feel like I have triumphed against great odds in the struggle to become the independent woman that I am."

“You see odds in everything? I see now why you chose this job." He was regarding her with respect and curiosity. The combination made her feel heady, wanting to let her guard down.

"Why?"

"You get to calculate odds and meddle with everyone's business on a professional basis.”

It was her turn to laugh in surprise.

                       *     *     *

As they ate, they talked about everything from history, to food to dizis, the conversation darting in different directions. Meral could see his quiet intelligence, his attention to detail. She could not remember simply enjoying talking this much before. He had a ready response to everything. Words and laughter were bubbling inside her.

"I better warn Barış. You've watched too many serial killer movies and would leave no trace."

"You can relax. He's not on my hit list yet."

At his devious smile, she pointed at him with her fork. "For now. He's on my good side for now."

"Don't worry, he's a true romantic. He would never do anything that would get him on your hit list."

Her face softened into a smile, "He really his."

"You know, sometimes I feel like I'm their Teyze."

"Barış and Dicle? From a hitman to a teyze?" he grinned at her.

"Yes.Yani, I cook and clean, which I love to anyway. But then being the unwanted third wheel living in her children's house, I leave quietly once I know he's coming over."

"Oh well, I'm the teyze in our house then. You know when- " he stopped at her burst of laughter. "What?"

"I'm sorry- I just-" she said between gasps, "imagining you as a cranky teyze is- actually that's a pretty good description."

"Oh, you think so? As I was saying," he said in mock affrontery, "after Barış got shot, he was trying desperately to be alone with Dicle. But-'

He was laughing so hard he could barely get the words out and she joined in aswell.

He gathered himself and began again," But every single person we know other than Dicle was appearing at our doorstep. And, you remember, Celal Bey? He brought a mountain of food over. And then when Dicle was finally coming over, what did Barış do? Beyeffendi handed me a couple of boxes and told me to disappear."

"How cruel."

Their laughter gradually faded into comfortable smiles. "That man eats like every meal is his last meal," Meral said.

"Evet, but who does not enjoy food though?" he said with a pointed look towards her just to see her reaction and earned an olive in his face for the jab.

"Ow! How do you know how Celal Bey eats anyway?"

"I saw him. At the TV dinner? In the restaurant you recommended?"

"What?"

Her subconcious writer, which had been busy penning their story, suddenly deflated at him not even remembering their first meeting. What hope did a romance have when one party did not even remember the meet-cute? And since when was she considering this a date? Or a romance?

She shook her head and focused back to the present. His expression was serious now, devoid of all the teasing warmth.

"Yes, I remember. I'm sorry you had to see me that way. That wasn't my best behaviour."

He gazed out the window. Meral was dying to know more, to smooth over the lull in the conversation but afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Finally he met her gaze, having made a decision. "I've always been practical all my life. Had to be. Barış and my father are quite hot tempered and.....impulsive, so I was mostly making the money, holding down the jobs. Keeping the job and the peace. I don't apologise for doing what had to be done."

"Tabi canım, you don't have to explain to me. Pragmatic is my middle name." she agreed easily, yet touched that he had shared some small part of himself.

'To doing what needs to be done," she raised her çay in a toast. He smiled and some of the light heartedness returned.

"I understand that life is more than making money and looking attractive. I know I pressured Barış- even got into a fight with Dicle," he glanced at her embarrassed.

"Growing up, our mahalle just reinforced that a happy life is the type of life that photographs well. I know this isn’t true- now- but it’s hard not to think this way. I’ve internalized it."

"I know." Her voice was soft and sincere, easing some of his discomfort. "That's what our lives have become these days. If only we remember to live the moments that we love to photograph."

"Evet. How right you are."

"And this isn't off the back of some truck. This is my own wisdom." She was grateful to see him smile again.

"Gathered during hours of repetitive work. I sit in that room each day, half my mind on the numbers, half in my infinitely more adventurous world."

"You call that repetitive?! I would love that! The assurity of routine."

He sat back with a sigh. "I had so many jobs, never knowing when one would end. Mesela, my current job with Serkan Bey? I finally know some part of what each day brings."

"But don't you miss the excitement of new things?"

"I guess I would thrive in a communist setting too, Meral Hanım. But this sector already has so many new weird things happening everyday, it's never the same."

"Oh you're a veteran of 'this sector' now?"

"Absolutely. Ha! But truly I.....feel like I belong? Actually, Serkan helped me in a difficult situation and I ended up here. I realised I actually enjoy it. I find I have a talent for organising. And persuading and cajoling. Although, if you listen to the whims of all these people! You come across some complete- well I shouldn't say but- Even more than what I met as a taxi driver. I-"

He stopped and seemed to gather himself. "Just glad I have security. The comfort of certainty."

Meral was fascinated hearing him talk, his eyes lit with keen intelligence. She wished she could revel in the comfort he described, but lately she felt stuck in a rut. She had told him she did not like choices but that was not true. She yearned to take chances. Her life had become a collection of the same days, same nights out with the same people. This evening was the only thing breaking the endless monotony.

"I bet you have great stories to tell though. I love listening to stories. We get absolute weirdos at our place aswell but it's ultimately boring. I live vicariously through Dicle."

"I think we should stop talking about them as if we're the side characters."

"Yani?"

"Yani novel falan filan. We keep talking about Barış and Dicle. We should focus on us a little, I think."

His voice had dropped at the end, his eyes on her felt like a caress. Meral could feel something tugging at her to explore this new territory, to take the chance she kept telling others to. But, imagining something in your head was vastly different than having that play out in real life. She fell back on her customary sarcasm.

"Ah, novels. I see I've already corrupted your practicality. 50 points to Ravenclaw."

He had been giving her a lazy smile but groaned at her words. "You're both 'Potterheads'?"

"I thought we weren't talking about them."

"We won't. Because I don't know where to even begin about this. We watched the movies when we were younger, but apparently that's not enough and Barış has been trying to get into 'the fandom'." His voice was a mix of exasperation and affection.

She cried out in mock outrage trying to hide her glee, "Did you just air quote again? And ofcourse that is not enough. I'm glad he is on the right path."

'Neyse. And before you say anything, yes, I know I'm a Slytherin.'

'Oh absolutely," she laughed at his disgruntled form languishing in the booth.

'Ee?'

She raised an enquiring eyebrow.

"So how did you get into the wonders of accounting. I've been spilling all my secrets to you and you give nothing away. Hadi, don't make me take out my truth potion."

"Tsk, tsk. Banning magical discourse and then indulging in it yourself? Shameless."

His quick smile seemed to seep into her.

"Lütfen ya, give me something here. You mentioned you shifted to Istanbul?"

"Yes I did. But that is a story for another day. It's getting late. I think the owner might be coming to personally throw us out."

Her humour just kept surprising him anew; he could not remember when he had last laughed so much.

                       *     *     *

As they walked back to her house, he noticed her slowing slightly. "Are you tired?"

"Biraz. My soul wants to party but my body is of an old woman."

"And what do old women like doing at night?" he cringed at how it sounded.

"Well it's winter so, we drink hot chocolate wrapped in blankets, and avoid people."

"Well people are sources of warmth aswell." Damn. There she was, throwing out words in bright clusters all night, like the gentle snow falling around them.

And everything he said was coming out like an innuendo.

"I mean, figurative warmth. The pleasure of company."

She just raised her eyebrows and hid a smile behind her hand.

"We revel in solitude."

"I didn't know you were that eager to get away from me."

"Oh, you have no idea."

"I think I have some idea." There was something about her, that just made him fall into this teasing, snappy rhythm.

"But we've only met twice. That's not enough data points to form an accurate picture."

"We have met more than twice. And you're doing this on purpose aren't you?"

"What?"

"Mentioning data points now that I've confessed my love for organisation."

Her laughter rang out in the hushed street.

The snow was falling around them gently, giving everything a glittering glow. Her impish face was turned upto his, the snowflakes in her hair like diamonds and dissolving on her lips.

He had the sudden urge to taste that snowflake, run his tongue along the seam of her lips.

Something inside him held him back. He was afraid it was too soon. Afraid to burst this, whatever magic they had between them, just as it was beginning.

Meral could see the moment he decided to forego kissing, the fire in his eyes cooling as they returned to their normal lazy depths. Keen disappointnent burned inside her but was chased away by the still buzzing energy that had been between them all evening.

This evening had already proved to be much more than her normal. An outlier. She wanted to capture the bright feeling, like a firefly; bask in the light for a brief moment and then let go.

"Thankyou. It was..." Unique. Comfortable. Thlrilling, all at once. "Fun. I enjoyed spending time with you."

Surprisingly, her shyness made him bolder. "Me too. I would love to do this again." She looked up. "If you want to, I mean."

"I wasn't angling for an invitation."

"I know. But it stands regardless. I would love to do this again." He could not believe he had managed to get that out without tripping over his words.

The tentative smile on her face made him add, " I must prove I'm the ultimate teyze between us. I'll cook for you."

"Şaka?!" she gave a delighted laugh. "Well then, let the Battle of the Teyzes commence."

When he took her proffered hand, their was a slight shock, as if their bodies were completing the circuit, that energy finally finding a closed loop.

"O zaman, iyi olan kazansın," he said softly.

"Iyi olan kazansın."

"Iyi geceler. Meral." he said, finally breaking the handshake.

"Iyi geceler." She went in and turned at the doorstep. "Aydin."

His name on her lips, materialising in the cold air for a second.

He smiled that slow smile again. An outlier. An input that could start new trends, open new possibilities, change everything.

                        *     *     *

[chaosstar290]

Reasons try out Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore.

Nintendo's been pretty casual with porting Wii U games over to the Switch, and for good reasons. Normally, I'm not all into porting games that I've already played, but my personal favorite games on the system that lack good marketing and advertising are now getting the attention and love they deserve.

Take Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze for example, one of my favorite 2D platfomers. The game originally sold 1.72 million copies worldwide on the Wii U. Not very good numbers, huh? However, the Switch port managed to beat those sales numbers with 2.25 million units sold worldwide by the end of March 2019.

So while this could be seen as a way for Big N to earn more $$$, this is also a way for those who never owned a Wii U and missed out on some of the system's best titles to give these games a shot. Now we just need a port of Xenoblade Chronicles X and The Wonderful 101...and Star Fox Zero, I guess.

But that's a topic for another time. This post is specifically for my favorite JRPG on the Wii U only to be tied with Xenoblade Chronicles X....Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE.

This'll be a long one, so here's hoping you'll stick with it until the end.

Development

Before I get into the reasons, lemme educate you guys a bit. Back in January 2013, both Atlus and Intelligent Systems made a teaser trailer for a potential Shin Megami Tensei x Fire Emblem crossover for the Wii U.

The trailer was mostly just a slideshow with various character artwork. Despite this, there was a decent amount of hype surrounding it. But development around the game was pretty silent. That is, until we fast forward to the Nintendo Direct in April 1, 2015. We got a trailer of the ambitious SMT x FE crossover that fans were waiting for...but this was the final product.

Needless to say...neither SMT nor FE fans were happy about this. The fandoms were incredibly salty and foaming at the mouths, basically calling it a Person 4 Lite with a hint of FE. Heck, they're probably still posts on this site from 5 years ago that'll show that.

Fast forward to the games initial release, and you'll see quite a few positive reviews and thoughts about TMS. Unfortunately, the sale numbers were not all that great for the game. Obvious reasons being that it was a Wii U game, and many fans of both SMT x FE were not happy with how it turned out.

And to be honest, I wasn't feeling the game myself at first. It seemed too lighthearted and upbeat, and the J-Pop, anime-ish aesthetics were very off-putting. However, the more I saw about the game, the more I was drawn into it. Somehow all that disappointment I had about TMS originally just washed away. And considering it was a new IP, I decided to give it a chance. And hoo boy...I was generally pleased.

With that outta the way, let's get into why I'm excited for the Switch port of game, and hoping people will give it a fairer chance.

The Setting

The plot of Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE is mostly simple. You start out as high schooler Itsuki Aoi, the main character of the game encountering his childhood friend Tsubasa Oribe at an audition event to become a idol. It isn't until moments later in the game that the area gets overruned by shadowy creatures known as Mirages that suck out the creative energy known as Perso-- ah I mean Performa from the other idols and audience.

Poor girl doesn't know what's gonna happen next.

Despite our main characters seeming unharmed by the effect, the Mirages drag Tsubasa into their world known as the Idolsphere. And of course, courageous Itsuki takes action to follow and rescue her.

After trying to make a daring rescue, Itsuki gets bombarded by a Mirage, but somehow manages to awaken it. Taking the form of Fire Emblem Awakening's protagonist Chrom. Itsuki does the same with the Mirage that captured Tsubasa that takes the form of Cedea from Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon. The two awakaned Mirages, however, suffer from a bit of amnesia and can't quite remember who and what they are.

From there on, Itsuki and Tsubasa form a partnership with Chrom and Cedea, encountering various characters trying to reach their way to stardom while trying to draw back the opposing forces from taking over Tokyo and the world. Typical RPG stuff, am I right?

It's a fairly standard and slightly cliche plot with some common anime tropes, but for this game...it works. It's a plot that's incredibly silly, upbeat, and over-the-top, but again...it works for this game. And I love it. It may not be original, deep, or complex, but the story does its best to not take itself too seriously, and it doesn't fail to keep a smile in my face.

Aside from the vanilla cookie-cutter MC Itsuki, the various casts that you meet are incredibly charming, and go through their own personal growth as celebrities. Though you mileage may vary on this.

The Gameplay

The combat is the real star of Tokyo Mirage Sessions. Basically, it's your standard turn-based combat system...but with a few twists. If you've ever played a SMT or Persona game, then don't be surprised that elemental weaknesses make an appearance here. Along with that, the Triangle Weapon system from Fire Emblem also makes an appearance in the game.

But if you're not familiar with either franchise then give you a basic example how this works. Say that you've encountered an armored Mirage wielding an axe. The weaknesses on that enemy are both lightning and swords, and Itsuki just so happens to have both the necessary element and weapon equipped.

In case you're wondering...how the Triangle Weapon mechanic works in FE is that Swords beat Axes, Axes beat Lances, and Lances beat Swords.

The interesting thing about this is that once you exploit an enemy's weakness, other characters will jump in and combo extra attacks. These are called Sessions, and their not only powerful...but also flashy as all hell and it's glorious. Not only that, but there's also Duo Arts where two certain characters will sometimes perform a song that unleashes a powerful attack...which also strings up more Sessions. As broken as this sounds, it actually is pretty strategic for taking down harder enemies, and they can also form Sessions...so be careful.

There's more to the gameplay like roaming Tokyo, exploring dungeons, and upgrading your characters and Mirages by Tiki from Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon as well.

There's mixed opinions on the dungeon aspects of Tokyo Mirage Sessions, but...I personally enjoyed them. Aside from the first one. Once you get past the first dungeon, they get better as the game progresses. From exploring a darker version of Shibuya where you have to avoid giant cameras from sending you back to the entrance of the of the room you currently entered, to venturing through a maze-like TV studio.

There's also side-missions that you can do with your main cast that'll help them grow and develop even further. You'll be rewarded with either a special cutscene or a special attack. Or maybe both.

The Visuals

Go go...Persona Rangers?

If it wasn't obvious from the amount of images I'm posting, Tokyo Mirage Sessions is a very colorful game. Fitting with it's lighthearted theme, the amount of colors the game throws at you makes visuals aesthetically pleasing. Heck, you could make these your personal wallpaper on your phone or something.

Sure, Tokyo Mirage Sessions isn't nearly as strong as Persona 5 graphically or even artistically, but like most Nintendo games...what their games lack in terms of detailed ultra-hyper graphics, they make up for it with giving their games gorgeous artstyles.

Also, this game has some reeeeeally good artwork.

The Music

J-Pop plays a pretty big role in Tokyo Mirage Sessions, so expect a lot of vocal tracks. If you're not into this kind of genre of music, then you might wanna stray away from this game. If you are (or if it doesn't bother you), then you're in for a treat. As someone who really isn't into J-Pop myself, the songs in this game are incredible and catchy followed by some beautiful cutscenes. Reincarnation from Kiria Kurono and Feel from Tsubasa Oribe are some of my personal favorites.

The music from outside the vocal tracks are pretty good too. The normal battle theme and the Illusion Shibuya dungeon theme are just to name a couple.

What's New?

Like I said before, Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE Encore is a port of the Wii U version, but with added content. Any DLC that was added in the original game will part of the base game in the Switch version. But let's talk about the new stuff.

EX Story and Songs

The EX Story is basically a dungeon that you explore in short bursts. Here you'll find new costumes such as a Joker outfit from Persona 5 for Itsuki, or an Annette outfit from Fire Emblem Three Houses for Mamori Minamoto. Or you can have a much easier time grinding for EXP. Also, much like the side-stories, this dungeon will also explore the main casts' issues and help them grow.

New songs will also be added in this port. A duo song called "She is..." sung by Tsubasa and Kiria is one of them.

Sessions

By making Sessions even more powerful and ridiculous, unplayable characters like Tiki, Maiko Shimazaki, and Barry Goodman will also join in Sessions.

In addition, a Quick Session option will be added. Which is a major upgrade in my book. One of the big issues the Wii U version had was while the Sessions were fun to watch, they took forever to get through with the more characters that joined your party. There are also smaller improvements like the Switch version having faster loading times.

Conclusion

Hopefully, this long as hell post will spark some interest into those who'll give the game a shot. I know there's small nitpicks like the lack of English voice acting and censorship, but the latter is a topic I'd rather not delve deep into.

Regardless, these small cons are greatly outweighed by the large pros this charming game has. If you're an Atlus fan, a lover of JRPGs, or wanting to play something that'll ease the wait for Persona 5 Royal, I highly recommend you give Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE encore a shot.

If you're also waiting for Persona 5 to actually come to the Switch like me, this game is next best thing we've got for the time being.

This is one of the most stylish menu screens ever.

[rixxy8173571m3w1p3]

The Little Big Things (1/4)

(@ricksanchezdwc) So like we had done not too long ago, me, @hoodoo12 @porkchop-ao3 @rickstexaschick are doing the same prompt cause we all loved the idea.

__________

Chapter 1: The Phyto Princess

Within the span of time it took for him to pull out his portal gun, and type in the coordinates, you had already imagined about a dozen places, and twice as many scenarios.

Rick made it look so easy; twisting dials, and pressing buttons in order to get from point a, to point whatever, but without the proper coordinates and code input, one could scatter their fragments all across the cosmos, without the hope of joining back together all in one piece; the thought often a source of uncalled for anxiety. True, this wasn't like star trek, with its one episode plots, or backstory to reference when you least expected it, but a valid concern that you had yet to address; you blamed it on your curiosity. Having read the notes of Zeta-7s early portal gun schematics, there was the blemish of fear that arose when you least expected it. Sometimes, it didn't feel like it mattered all that much, especially when you were in one of your moods, but more often than not, you hoped Rick would never mess up; or be two cups of coffee short. Contributing factors to your anxiety included the day to day annoyances, time, or how your hair looked that day, but in another one of his attempts to brighten your spirits, he made plans for a surprise adventure; your assumption being anywhere away from buildings or people.

You knew he was trying his best to keep you happy, but you wondered sometimes what he'd say if you told him he didn't have to. It wasn't his job, but you refrained from telling him, because if it weren't for the fact that you trusted and adored Zeta-7, then you would have refused in favor of staying local more often, especially when you weren't in the mood. Oh, but where was the fun in that? Maybe, it'd help; likely it wouldn't.

Today, there were other things the matter, like the doubt which appeared when you recalled the memories from a false dream, and you were confused about what had been the reality and what had been the dream. With thoughts of the past, also came the remembrance of old regrets; many you thought you had buried under reasoning and change, but you were terribly human. You weren't a genius, and you didn't always think about what you'd say before you said them, so you made mistakes; a lot more than you'd care to admit. Because of this, you had been a source of concern, and added to Zeta-7s stress, and this made you stressed because he already had enough on his plate, and this made you worry for his well being. Waves of dread which would wash over you at the thought of getting lost, or forgetting him, misunderstanding, even while gripping his hand as sure and tight as you could when you stepped through the portal were but impediments to your happiness; the worry you felt for scenarios that hadn't occurred, these too fed the monster of anxiety.

It would be okay, you'd say to yourself. It should've been okay, to step through the portal as you had done so dozens of times before, but then there was your heart beating a mile a minute, begging otherwise. You've watched Zeta-7 do it hundreds of times as well, coming out safe and sound, so you could do this, and would do it. Still, what reason did you have to worry or doubt?

Well, there were places no one came back from; you've heard the stories, you listened to Ricks theories, but again they were stories; cautionary tales that taught lessons. And like now, you fought that lingering fear, the tingling in your limbs, the bloom of tightness in your chest, and made sure you still felt Rick's long, thin, bony fingers laced with yours, holding on for dear life while repeating you're little mantra. On the other side he was still there, and you felt his relief, and with your other hand, you shielded your eyes from the resplendence of the sun, until they could adjust to the scene around you. “Rick,” you gasped, glancing a little at everything; your confidence building as delight overcame your anxiety. “where have you taken me?”

This must have pleased him, cause when he smiled, every wrinkle spoke of his laughter, and his electric blues were brimming with happiness.“W-why don't you look and - and see?”

Curiosity got the better of you as you let go, but reassured by his gentle smiles, you explored what was all around you; his warmth one of the best certainties. All around, the landscape stretched, it curved and there were bends a little ways ahead; you could smell hints of petrichor, and the ground fertile and verdant, with patches of silver grass which whistled when touched. You wondered if they could do more than whistle; laughing because many thoughts of yours had been but a velleity, and you almost moved on, but when the fuzzy blades of grass leaned forward to pat you on the head before returning to their place, you gasped. Were they supposed to do that? Nearby, exposed roots shimmered, and when you approached them, they pulled away from the ground, and bowed in obeisance before returning to their place. You flashed Rick that look that said you were confused, and his mouth hung open in astonishment. Still, he hadn't said a word, and watched on; his hand moving a mile a minute as he took down notes.

Above your heads, were bell like flowers that changed their tune whenever you passed them, and the walkway was littered with mushrooms that made your skin tingle pleasantly when you sat upon them; as unsettling as it was, you were feeling good, as though they absorbed all the negative feelings, and left you with the good ones. Where your feet hung above the ground, an indigo milk cap sprung up so that you could step off. At this point you began to wonder if the forces and plants around you were bending at your will. Considering Rick hadn't warned you yet, or impeded your curiosity in anyway, then he was either waiting for you to ask, or he was studying you; as he usually would. “Rick,” you wondered, as you stepped over the small stones that buzzed like worker bees. “did we shrink, or has the world gotten bigger?”

“Well,” he chuckled, eager to hold on to your hand again. “it’s - it's neither. Everything here is bigger, while w-we remained the same. Neat isn't it?”

Neat was an understatement.

“It is,” You agreed, which made him stand a little taller, and smile a bit brighter. “but I could have sworn we stepped into a Honey I shrunk the kids movie or something. I guess not, but something strange is going on. Haven't you noticed? You probably have, but I just want to check.”

“You're right, I-I-I have, and it makes me wonder what w-would happen if you wanted the flowers to walk? I-I guess that sounds silly.”

“No,” You softened. “it doesn't, but I don't think it works that way. I'm not a god or anything, and I'm pretty sure fairy dust ain't going to cut it, and make these giants move. But if you want me to, I could try.”

The only giants you had ever seen were the western sequoias. You had walked amongst those natural giants, whose respective histories were their own, and you wouldn't question how they came to be; for they existed before you, before Rick. They were the testament of endurance, withstanding centuries of rain, fire, and growth, but here….like many things he showed you was a first. Curious as to what might happen, you thought about the orange star like flowers moving, and bending down to your level. And, because it was your will, they did.“Rick,” you continued, after your initial shock passed. “I'm not imagining things am I? Did…. did that just happen?”

Reading the results from his scanners, and checking the footage from his camera, he exclaimed. “It - it did. It really did!”

“Is that good? I don't know.”

With raised brow, he chuckled to himself, and put away his scanner, and notepad. “Gosh, y-you're just full of - of surprises aren’t you?”

“Honestly, I have no point of comparison. So you're going to have to be upfront with me, and tell me if I'm going to be okay.”

“Y-you're more than o-okay, you're perfect.”

____________

The sun bathed the earth in delicious warmth, the sparkling dew feeding the thirst of the green.

The pleasant sounds of humming, and their songs had become an uplifting melody. Like kisses upon your skin, the wind made you ticklish, and you needed Ricks assistance so that you wouldn't fall over laughing. It seemed you were sensitive to the environment, which made you go through waves of pleasant emotions, but it was exhausting. Hopefully your life force wasn't being absorbed by them.

“Rick, I think I hear music. Can you tell me why? Or is it my imagination?”

“I'll ugh - I'll be able to tell y-you in a jiffy.”

Flipping through his notes, his brow was raised in confusion. “Um, t-t-to be honest, this is the first time I've seen them act this - this way. They seem t-to be imitating a song, possibly from your subconscious. Do y-you recognize it? Does it - it remind you of anything?”

You stopped in your tracks, and took a moment to earnestly listen before you answered. “It reminds me of your ukulele being played on a refreshing afternoon.”

Eyes wide, you knew he was eager to hear more, curiosity coloring his response. “Is th-that so?”

“Yeah. I love hearing you play,” Which was very true. Rick was a wonderful musician, able to play almost any instrument he picked up. Other Ricks were probably just as talented, but unless they were the legendary Steinway, you doubted anyone could play with as much emotion. You continued. “and the happy sounds that are made in between your laughs, and the strumming of strings, and the way you look at me when you play. Goodness, it warms my heart, and makes me love you even more. You…you always have a way of stirring my emotions.”

“Y-you really like it that much?”

“Like it? I adore it, and your guitar playing too. Why, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you practically seduced me with those serenades on the front porch, and those evenings indoors when it was raining. I have no idea what you were thinking about at the time, but hopefully it was of me.”

Sentimental words always made him pliable, and he never really knew how to answer, or what the correct words should be, but he tried, and in his earnestness, he'd lean towards you as though he were about to kiss you, but he'd stop before doing so. As though he were reigning himself, he'd close his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before he'd continue. Pressing a light kiss on your forehead, he softened. “I - I always have you on my mind, though I-I didn't - it wasn't my intention back then to….I didn't know you felt that way. I'm not in the habit t-to seduce anyone or….” He faltered, his cheeks dusted in a lovely blush.

Silly man. One of these days, maybe he'd understand when you were flirting and teasing him, and not misconstrue your delight with accusations. You cupped his cheek, encouraging him to look at you. “You're so sweet. I know you wouldn't do that. But either way, I enjoyed it all the same.”

Leaning into your touch, you saw the beginnings of a smile, but his blush was still going strong. “Gosh, now I'm not s-s-so sure, but I - maybe I - oh, I'm s-sorry.”

“Don't be sorry dear. If I didn't want you to, I would have stopped you at the point when you first asked me over for dinner. I mean, I never really thought you were trying anything either. We were just friends, having a good time, and I fell in love with you. Maybe we should thank that ukulele of yours for all the happy hours we had singing silly little songs.”

“I ugh - I should have brought it with me then, because y-you like it.”

“There's always next time. Though, it's been awhile since you played. You must miss it.”

“I-I do,” he admitted, passing a hand through his hair. “but it's because I've been b-busy. I'm sorry a-about that too. I've been away and w-we haven't had much time to ourselves.”

“Rick it's okay, I understand. You have important stuff to do”

“You - you say that, but it bothers me when I have t-t-to leave you for extended periods at a time. I don't like it, and I-I guess maybe I'm being silly. That's what happens when y-you get old. You either want t-t-to be alone or have company all the time. What am I even saying? I'm going off on a-ag….”

Pressing a finger to his mouth, you quieted him. “You already do a great job in trying to make me happy, and I'm not disappointed.”

“Y-you're not?”

“Of course not. I mean, I can't help but miss you, but you've always been a busy guy. How you manage to make time for me and still have time for your hobbies is beyond me, but that's the thing about you Rick, you're not like most people. And every moment with you is wonderful. The question you should be asking is what have I done for you? What can I do to make you feel better?”

“By p-p-putting up with me.”

Pressing a kiss on his cheek, you giggled. “If you mean by loving you, then I'm on it.”

_____________

After a series of small, quick experiments, Rick had come to realize that these plants listened mostly to you and not so much him. Oh, he had his theories, a few of them making you giggle, but for the most part, this is what he understood.“These plants here, I-I had thought they were empathic, but they must - must be trying to trigger a response. I believe they are fascinated b-by you, because I've already spent many happy hours here on - on this planet, but you haven't.”

Placing your hands on your hips, it was your turn to raise a brow. “Rick, if you put it that way, then it means I'm trending.”

“Gosh, I-I-I suppose. Is that the terminology these days? Does it mean you're popular?”

Zeta-7 really could be adorable when he wasn't trying to be, especially when he wasn't always aware of what was current. “Yes, but what are you really saying?”

“That they must r-really like you,” he smiled, jotting down a few notes, before taking out his scanner, and checking the results. “and if I'm correct, then they prosper off these pleasant emotions of - of yours. How fascinating.”

“Can they hear my thoughts?”

“N-no mi corazón,” he chuckled. “they can feel you. Plants are - are surprising organisms—without brains and central nervous systems, they are still able t-t-to sense the environment that surrounds them. They - they can perceive light, scent, touch, wind, even gravity, and are able t-to respond to sounds, too. These plants here are a-a little different, and can sense your every emotions, reflecting your feelings, which I-I guess means you're currently in a pleasant mood.”

“Of course I am, it's beautiful here, and I'm with you.”

After you had said this, a gust of wind rushed by, which rustled the golden leaves, the force of it almost knocking you over, though Rick was quick to grab you by the waist. “Are y-y-you okay?”

You could hear the bell flowers ring, and quietly you thanked them and the forces at work around you, which seemed to bend and curve at your will; whose comedic timing was cliché to say the least. “I am now. Thank you Rick.”

Scratching the back of his neck, he let go, and made himself busy by scanning the branches and plant debris. “L-l-like you already said it's ugh - feels like a-a land for giants. I know their size is attributed t-t-to the mineral rich soil. And I-I thought it would be nice to spend a-a day here, but you look tired. Not t-to mention the plants behavior.”

“I'm not that tired. But man, it's incredible to be able to will the elements, but I'm sorry Rick, I kind of don't know what I'm doing here or whether I have any control over it. Imagine, that kind of power in the wrong hands could be dangerous. So, I'll try not to cause too much trouble.”

“It's okay, I'm sure y-you won't. I-I do wonder if they can understand what we're saying.”

With a shrug, you replied. “It's worth a try.”

You smiled up at the canopy of leaves, admiring the way the light filtered through the spaces in between. “We appreciate the hospitality, and the lovely music, as well as your stimuli. Oh, and as much as I appreciate you playing matchmaker, you don't have to try so hard. You see, we're already together,” you winked at Zeta-7, who blushed at the gesture. “but secretly, I think Rick's enjoying it. Either way, I hope you'll be kind to us.”

When you had finished, a mushroom ran by, and dropped a gift at your feet before returning to its place. You waited for Ricks approval before peeling back the leaves that were held together by dried vines, revealing a pair of matching bracelets, that seemed to be nothing more then weaved, golden branches. “I think this is for us. See?” you pointed to the inner branch. “This one has your initials.”

Scanning them, Rick found that they were safe, and you two proceeded to try them on, and all at once, you felt warmth wash over you as you glanced at Rick. And when he glanced at you, a vine began to grow and flower, decorating his bracelet in magnificent, lapis blue blooms. “Wow, that's - I've never seen anything like it.”

You haven't either, but that was thing, you always experienced new things when you were with him. Like now, you felt all jittery, and nervous, and when he took your hand to kiss it, your bracelet bloomed, and you just had to pull away, because it felt strange; like a little piece of you was taken away. “Rick, this place is something else. Are you sure it's safe?”

You wanted to be sure, because having him near you all of a sudden was overwhelming, like a dozen butterflies fighting the wind. What was with this place?

“Mhm, I'm sure. I've done extensive research over th-the last couple of weeks t-to make sure we can relax.”

“Really? Nothing toxic or poisonous? No animals or creatures to worry about?”

Taking your hand in his again, you felt a great calm, and the bloomed flowers grew, and vines spread; everywhere they touched, made you feel cozy, and sleepy. So, so sleepy. Perhaps you should say something, but he was happy, and you didn't want that smile to fade, and you allowed him to explain. “Creatures? No, not - not yet. Maybe in a-a couple of years, but not now. This planet is still fairly new, and there's no telling when it - it will be inhabited. For now there's just us, and these w-wonderful plants.”

It was going to be fine you told yourself, and smiling up at him, you replied happily, with a voice soft with affection. “Okay, whatever you say Ricky.”

And like a deep yearning, the vines on his bracelet grew three times their size, and stretched out, just to kiss your face a dozen times; they wanted to delight you. It scared Zeta-7 a bit, but you could only giggle, cause they were just like him; earnest, eager, and sweet.

TBC

[ketso]

Episode 29

I hate my job. Truly, I do. I should have never resigned from Thomas' company. People valued me more when I was there. Now, I am an executive, but I get treated like trash. I hate it. I hate everyone here.

I never take lunch because I don't want anyone thinking we are friends or that we should lunch together. None of these people are worth me having lunch with. But today, I need some air. I need to breathe in a different kind of environment because if I stay a minute longer in my office, hell will break loose around here.

I get into my car to go get lunch then plan to go eat with the one person I can tolerate right now, Qaphela. While I drive to get food then to Qaphela, let me tell you a bit about my job.

I am an executive lead in the external affairs team. I have about seven people reporting into me then I report into a director who reports into the CEO. I have a dotted reporting line to the CEO because my line of work impacts the CEO's agenda in interviews and other public appearances. But the place is not nice. My ideas are not Bible. People are lazy to work. This is the corporate space. Who knocks off at 4pm and refuses to work before 7am? Who? They always feel the need to remind me that they take wellness and well-being seriously. I never said they shouldn't. Not once has an objection toward wellness and wellbeing come out of mouth. But we have customers that don't care about wellness and wellbeing, they expect us to deliver. We have key stakeholders in other companies and in the government that expect us to be available for meaningful engagement when needed. This company is known in our industry for dropping the ball. This company is notorious for having slow service delivery. I'm not saying it's because they take wellness and wellbeing seriously. All I'm saying is that even I am frustrated by them and I'm not a customer or a stakeholder.

So, I, Pearl Shange, put in the hours that nobody wants to put in. I am the most knowledgeable executive in the department and my team has the honour of having the toughest boss in the business. But we deliver. I put in the work and I don't complain. The CEO has me on speed dial and has learned to trust me more than he trusts my director which now has caused a rift between my director and I.

"To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?" Qaphela asks me as he opens the door for me.

"I come bringing lunch. I hope you still like braaied meat and that entire unhealthy diet sold at Solly's corner because I just spent quite a bit of my time walking through drunk unemployed people at midday, waiting for this food and risking my car being scratched", he is already in stitches as I say this. I'm glad he finds it funny.

"Nobantu, you are not human, wena. Come in", he says as he leads me into the house.

I come in and close the door using my bum because this man whose supposed to be a perfect gentleman has not taken all this food from my arms. I mean really. Am I supposed to teach him that?

I make my way to the kitchen and put the food on the kitchen counter. He has disappeared into the house, not sure to where. I plug the kettle and start getting plates out. I bought my own coffee because Qaphela is the Ricoffy type and honestly, I need the strong and good stuff. If I were not headed back to the office after this, I would be having whiskey.

I am exhausted.

I start dishing up this meat that has been braaied. I got him pap which I dish onto his plate, but I got myself garlic rolls because I am not prepared to be running off pap in the morning. My morning runs are already tough in all those heels in Umhlanga.

I hear arguing. Hai bo, kanti Qaphela has company? Also, I'm not fazed. I'm not going anywhere. I need company and Qaphela will do for now. I would have sex with him too, but now that I know that his penis was in another woman minutes before I arrived, that opportunity immediately flies out of the window.

I see a girl march down the passage. Really, Qaphela? Seriously? This girl and I used to be friends back in the day. She's even ashamed to look at me and I plan to make this as uncomfortable as possible for her. I left to go to Gauteng and she feasted on my baby-daddy? A friend, ladies and gentlemen - a friend.

"Nobantu", she says, breaking the silence between us.

Should I be petty? Nah, my outfit, my beauty and the car parked outside is reminder enough for her that I'm ten levels ahead of her and all she has left are my leftovers.

"Hello, Sizakele", I say.

"It’s good to see you", she says.

"I can't say the same about you, considering where we are bumping into each other", I say. Yeah, I decided to be petty. But she doesn't back down.

"I thought you had the Venda man and Qaphela was useless. I didn't think that you'd care that some of us found him useful", she says.

"And I didn't think that my friend was patiently waiting for me to leave KZN so she would jump on my boyfriend's penis. Then again, you've always enjoyed my left overs. From my left over food to my old bras that I'd give to you while your mother took your grocery money, underwear money and school fees money to spend on alcohol." I say. I don't know why I took it there, but I did. KZN makes me so angry. There is something here that just makes me a horrible person.

"You still here?" Qaphela comes into the kitchen and sees the staring match between Sizakele and I.

"Lalela la wena Nobantu, Qaphela and I are together. I don't know what you came back for, but it better not have been for him", she says. Oh please. Get the fuck out of here. If I want Qaphela, I'd have him. I wish women realized how they actually dare us to explore their penises when they threaten us, demanding us to stay away from their men. I made that mistake with Thomas and all his other bitches. Qaphela and I have a child together and Sizakele thinks she can control my access in Qaphela's life. I'm actually laughing at her because she is so pathetic.

"You think this is funny?" She asks me.

"I find your audacity extremely hilarious. You are the one that Qaphela is kicking out barefooted and wig uncombed while I'm the one preparing food in his kitchen. Yet, you think you can tell me what to do around him?" I say.

She charges at me ready to hit me and Qaphela throws her over his shoulder and takes her out of the house. They argue on the streets while I finish preparing food and coffee.

Such ghetto behaviour!

Qaphela comes back into the house alone and sits next to me where I have placed his coffee and food. Black Coffee with cream. I'm putting him on.

"Nobantu, you can't do that. I respect you as the mother of my child, but you can't disrespect my girlfriend like that", he says.

He should have said that when she was still here. He disrespected her, not me.

"I don't want to talk about Sizakele." I say.

"Nobantu -

"How are you feeling, Qaphela? You look a lot better", I say.

"I am a lot better, thank you. And thanks for taking me to the doctor the other day. I appreciate it", he says.

I nod my head and eat. He is eating too.

"So what brings you here?" He asks me.

"I don't really like my work environment. I needed some air and a friendly face. I thought of you", I say.

"What’s wrong with where you work?" He asks me. He has always been good at this - at listening to me. Thomas never listened to me. Ever. I miss being listened to.

"I guess I took for granted being the CEO's wife when I was working at Thomas' company. Now, I'm just another employee who gets abused at work and my knowledge as well as the work I put in is not appreciated", I say.

"It’s corporate, Nobantu. The only time your work is appreciated is if someone is benefitting from it. If you are one of those who have thankless jobs, you are replaceable. You were replaceable at your ex-husband's company. What makes you think you are irreplaceable in a stranger's company?" He says. That cuts me and he sees it.

He eats instead of apologizing.

"I'm worried about Gcina", I tell him.

He looks at me, waiting for me to elaborate.

"Gcina is irresponsible. She doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. She couldn't get a matric just to start her off. She lacks vision and ambition. I'm worried that she has decided ukuthi this is the rest of her life."

Qaphela looks at me for a long time, analysing me almost.

Then he says, "Nobantu, you left her with your parents when she was a toddler. She doesn't even remember you being a mother to her. I'm not saying that she shouldn't take responsibility for her decisions, but I'm wondering when you are going to acknowledge the part that you played in messing her up."

"The part that I played?"

"The part that you played, Nobantu. You went to Gauteng and forgot all about your child. She had to get over it, on her own. Her life froze when you decided to go out there and be a wife to a man who wanted nothing to do with your child. You deprived her of having a mother and she just had to figure shit out. You have no right to judge her ten minutes after you come back here and decide to be her mother so many years later. Where was this concern when you were –

"Don’t you dare! I took care of Gcina! There is nothing that Gcina lacked and I made sure of it. I sent her to the best schools and she managed to get herself expelled from those schools. I made sure that she was fed! That she had everything I would have never been able to give her had I not married Thomas because unlike uGcina, my parents did not make sure that I had the best to set me up for the rest of my life. I needed a Thomas to pull me out of the shit that my parents left me in so that my daughter could have more", I have lost my temper now and so has he. This is a screaming match.

"Money is not everything, Nobantu", he says.

"That’s very rich coming from you. You are the same person who left me pregnant at fifteen to go get money so our child and I could be okay, then went to prison. You were absent from our lives too because you chose money over being there for me through my pregnancy and when our daughter was born." I say. This hurts him.

We both take deep breaths, appreciating that perhaps this is not how this conversation should be going.

"I want better for her. She can still change her life and I want her to change her life." I say. I am calm now, walking around in the TV room. Qaphela stands up too and leans against a wall, facing me.

"I want that for her, too" he says.

"I have trusts set up in her name that she is supposed to be accessing by now. I want to buy her a car so she could drive my mom around and do errands for you. But she doesn't even have a license. I have millions set aside for her to study abroad and she can barely finish a bloody matric. Gcinumama frustrates me, Qaphela", I say.

"We can still fix this, but we have to be gentle with her. She's a bit on the fragile side", he says.

"She already hates me so I'm not scared of her. One of us has to treat her like the irresponsible adult that she is. You, on the other hand, she has you wrapped around her little finger", I say.

"Fine. But if you are going to pick that fight with her, you need to be woman enough to acknowledge the part that you played in fucking her up. Don't become your parents, Nobantu. You hurt for years because of them and you took forever to heal because they wouldn't acknowledge how much they fucked you up. Don't become them. Gcina deserves for you to acknowledge the pain that you caused her so that she can heal and move on in a way that you still struggle to because the people who caused your pain have not given you the apology that you need to heal and move on." He says.

We have a moment. I'm getting emotional. He is there for me like he always was when I ran away from home after my parents -

My cellphone rings. I wipe my tears and walk away from him, realizing only now how close he was to me and how close we were to doing so much more than just argue about Gcina. It is my CEO calling.

"Hello", me.

"Hey, Pearl. Where are you? I need you in a strategy meeting taking place at 5pm today. Will you be able to make it?"

"Sure, Richard, I'll be there" I say.

"Thanks. I was in your office to let you know, but I see you are not here", Richard says.

"I had stepped out to get something to eat. But I'll be back soon", I say.

"Alright. See you when you get back", Richard says then hangs up.

Qaphela and I look at each other, silently appreciating what just happened between us.

"You need to get a job", I say.

"No one on this earth is good enough to be the boss of me. I'm almost back in shape and I'm headed back to crime", he says.

"Until when, Qaphela? Why don't you take the money you've made so far and start something legitimate?" I say.

"Why? So you can be the CEO's wife again? That's your life, not mine. And you not my wife so stop telling me what to do. You are not going to change or control me. That's probably why that Venda man left you." He says. That was just unnecessary, honestly. Fuck him.

I wear my heels again then walk out of his parents' house then make my way back to the office.

[theskygivesmelife]

"I am the master of my fate,"

How ironic that a poem about self control uses this very phrase, whilst ignoring the fact that fate, or destiny actually imply that there can never truly be any control, for all is predetermined from the beginning of time.

...

I'd say we don't. Nonexistence is a superior state of existence in my opinion.

...

First things first: you don't love me, so stop saying you do. Even if you genuinely believe you do, you'll understand what I mean.

With that said, for the love of God can you stop messaging me? Not on WhatsApp because I will have *deleted* it, and not on Android messages because I can't respond as I don't have any balance. I use my phone only for music or gaming mainly anyway. Speaking of which, I thought I did make it clear that I don't want to talk to you. When was the last time we did talk? Right, your birthday. I don't remember ever being that drained after talking to you. Honestly, it was a pain—was it for you too? I guess that's what happens as one becomes truly apathetic. Seriously, I don't know who you're still trying to contact, but that person's dead. Well, not literally unfortunately, but if you do want to talk to some tired, disillusioned soul I'm still here I guess. As I mentioned, your little I love yous at the end don't really hold, because, you know, you're really just refering to the wrong person. For the record, I've started to think that not only am I incapable of loving, but am also incapable of being loved.

Anyhow, lets just say that if I were Jekyll then I'm Hyde now. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm responding to you. The "fuck her, why give a damn?" voices have been quite loud for some time. Well, I don't think of you all the time, so "fuck the world" might seem more apt as a generalisation. Back to the point: some time ago I'd have actually cared, but I don't give a shit now about anything.

I'll say it now: I don't think it'll ever be a good enough reason for you. I don't think any reason ever will. You'll probably still try to convince me to maintain contact, even though it's so horribly one sided. Well, I just couldn't care less for the most part. It'd probably be good if you wouldn't waste your time on me though. I mean, let's be real. You're not going to get my number once out if this country. Even if you miraculously did, you'd certainly make some replacement friends in college without the downsides that I have, so it'd be pointless. I know you won't listen anyway, and I said that I don't care either. So why am I even trying? I don't know.

If you'll remember I've tried to shut you out multiple times. It's funny now, ~because I feel absolutely nothing now.~ Quite often in the past I'd feel quite regretful or guilty, but now? Heh, just an emotionless robot just moving along now. Going through the motions you know. Still, if there's one thing I should mention, it's that I never lied to you when I said some sentimental crap like caring about you and such. Whoever I was back then, he genuinely ment it. And now, it seems like my wick is shorter than I imagined. It's going to burn up quick. You know what that means? Garima, it means peace at last. So, let me have my time now. I still dream of that little cottage far away, secluded from society. No-one for company. Okay, a cat and a dog. They'll be nice. A drum kit. Video games maybe? What'll I do? Electrician perhaps? Mechanic? Just so long as it isn't a crappy 9-5 job, and actually pays my bills. No people. No friends—do I really have any? No girlfriend—I don't want one (not asexual, but I'm not as horny as you I guess), and I doubt I'm capable of forming a proper relationship anyway. No family—I never had one to begin with. Can you imagine it? All alone and blissful. Just let me be. Please. One way or another, I'm gone. I'm actually feeling sad now typing this, tears in my eyes and all (I haven't cried in forever) but you shouldn't be. You've got a long, long way to go; you'll do well anyway. I don't know what I really was to you, or what I've done to you. I know that I was a hard person to deal with. I can't really list out all the times I've failed you; I hope you will forgive me for them. Believe me when I say that if there was ever I person I really tried to keep happy as often as I could, it was you.

" *Bye, stay healthy and happy* "

I won't—I can't.

Bye.

PS. Nice songs. I still appreciate music I guess, unless it's a really bad day.

...

[8/18/2018, 12:03 AM] Prathik: It seems not. Oh well, I was hoping I could talk one last time. Silly of me; you're probably either sleeping or studying for tomorrow's — should I say today's? — test.

[8/18/2018, 12:57 AM] Prathik: You know, I've been thinking: what if I wanted to talk to you one day? Would you then be ready to hold conversation? I think you would, but that doesn't strike me as fair. I mean you say that you'll miss me, but that's something you'll just have to take in your stride. On the contrary, if I miss you, then I try contacting you, and in all likelihood you'll just respond. What do you think?

[8/18/2018, 1:44 AM] Prathik: Maybe you're free tonight? I just want to talk; I don't know what I'm even doing now. Ugh I can't even explain it without sounding like some self pitying shithead. Forget it. I'm sorry

[8/18/2018, 12:42 PM] Prathik: Seriously, the very dynamics of our interactions are messed up. Everything is based on my mood and how I'm feeling. Don't want to talk? No problem! I'll go silent. Depressive episode? No problem! I'll go silent. It's like I can literally choose what and when we get to converse. Tired of our conversations? No problem! I'll just stop talking to you. And all you say is that you'll miss me. Sure, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, but bloody hell — why didn't you ever call me out for my behaviour? Gee, we screwed up...so many flaws and nothing was even done about them.

Yes, I'm ranting. I'll say stupid things, and maybe hurtful things too. If I were completely aware of what it is that sounded like that, then I wouldn't be saying them. Not that it's an excuse for saying anything I shouldn't. You probably shouldn't take anything personally, because in all likelihood, I'll probably just be projecting.

[8/18/2018, 12:52 PM] Prathik: Oh shit, I really need psychological help don't I? Do you think that if I got better, I'd finally stop sabotaging all the relationships I have?

[8/19/2018, 12:19 AM] Prathik: Goodbye

[8/19/2018, 2:25 PM] Prathik: Okay, I'll just leave this here. Just one last thing. I honestly am doubting my mental stability: I'd wager that I'm fairly unstable in general and more so at this point. My mood seems to swing like a fucking pendulum, and for whatever reason, I have and possibly might keep spouting unnecessary shit. So please, just *IGNORE EVERYTHING* I say. *EVERYTHING.* Except this one last message. Please. It's all I ask.

[8/19/2018, 2:54 PM] Prathik: I'm also not going to be using WhatsApp anymore — no point now right? — so I guess you'll be spared if having to reply to anything.

...

[8/8/2018, 10:24 PM] Prathik: Bloody hell, always nice to me even though I don't deserve it. Can't just go study like you ought to or talk to anyone else? You've got tons of friends after all. Perhaps one day they'll give you a consolation prize saying "good effort; hard luck" and maybe then you'll see how you're just wasting your time. Whatever. It's not like I can control you or force you to behave in a certain manner. Stupid world. Just leave me be

[8/8/2018, 10:52 PM] Prathik: I don't even know why you don't give in. I mean, what am I to you? Some depressed idiot that makes you feel better about yourself? I don't think that's the narrative you've sold to me, so that's probably not the reason.

It's kinda like you're an ant running against the wind. Not any wind, though, just that which is being blown by some sadistic little kid. It keeps running into it. Over and over it tries and fails. The wind keeps pushing it back, but the ant doesn't see how futile it's attempts are. It doesn't see that despite the fact that it keeps trying, nothing's going to change. It has so many other avenues of exploration, ones that would certainly lead to a great reception from the colony, but oh no. The ant keeps running, hoping that the resistance will decrease. Eventually the boy just blows harder, and the ant flies away and lands on its back. (Good thing it has an exoskeleton.) Only then does it see how pointless its efforts were, and that they were better off invested somewhere else.

...

You know how people throw that fucking annoying platitude around? That things will get better? Doesn't happen. It's no different in its progression from a physical illness, and once you go beyond a certain stage you're only living on fumes at that point. Limited time. But it'll get better they say. Fucking hell, it can also get worse, but who's willing to actually concede that bleak truth?

...

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm just getting worse mentally. I mean, I set the suicide date for when I'm 25. It's only kept dropping. I started considering pushing it to college years, and now I'm genuinely pondering whether I should just drop out of college like when I'm 19 or so and be done with it — at least I won't have to wonder about how you'll come meet me in USA lol. I'm also drawing more blanks in tests. It's not like I don't know, it's just making me more and more anxious. Like the psychology UT we had just some time ago. I left 12 marks because it seemed to easy to be true and I thought I was wrong. I got 17.5 . And meeting people, ugh. Worse than ever. Sure I'm introverted, but at this rate I'm practically going to become a hermit. My ability to function like a sane person is waning, and it's actually quite clear. It's makes me awe struck and horrified at the same time seeing how someone is so capable of self sabotage. Yeah, I don't think I was made for this world. Just one big mistake that hasn't been taken care of yet.

...

Oh, if you haven't listened to it already, you really should listen to Heroes by David Bowie. Please do, if you haven't yet. Just this one song.

...

[6/28/2018, 12:13 AM] Prathik: I love you.

[6/28/2018, 12:14 AM] Prathik: ^ I just felt like saying that.

...

You don't get it. I don't know for sure that you like talking to me. Yes, you've said so so many times that I've lost track. I'd be lying if I said that it were enough to convince me. It isn't; you can't do anything to change my perception of myself, and sometimes I'll project, being the idiot I am after all. There's never going to be a time when I can the voice that says you're you're just using me for some kicks or something to shut up. That doubt will never go, and every time you say something like that, I'll make sure to interpret it as evidence that even you don't care, that you just let your guard down. You can't ever really make me satisfied or happy, so don't throw away any more of your time actually trying to justify anything. If you know that what you've done is fine, then it's fine.

...

[6/12/2018, 8:51 PM] Prathik: Speaking of which, it's interesting that you brought up the fact that our relationship is dysfunctional. Not that I really addressed it well when you originally meantioned it. It does make me wonder, are the dynamics of the way we interact with each other actually healthy? Perhaps we're just fucking each other in the ass and not even realising it? While it's a possibility that I consider, you should know that I don't think the second one is too probable. All the same, it's bothersome enough to actually consider pondering over. Funny, though, how I've just turned a blind eye to it; best relationship you've had you say. Pretty much the same for me, I suppose that's why I've not considered anything that suggests contrary to that opinion.

You know, we never did our cliched apologies. I'm not sure what exactly to apologise for; however, I don't have any qualms admitting that I did fuck up. I'm not sure it makes any sense to apologise for going silent for a month. Honestly, while I did miss you, I'm not sure of how much I actually regret it. Heck, if I hadn't misunderstood your message and not responded... Moreover, what's the point of saying sorry for something I've done multiple times and might do again anyway? It probably does defeat the purpose of it. I do regret making you angry though. I'm not too proud of getting you pissed off, I honestly am sorry about that. That conversation just didn't go the way I'd have liked it to I guess...

[6/12/2018, 8:53 PM] Prathik: Also, is it just me or have things between us changed? I mean, the one month silence probably did more harm than good. It'd have probably been better had I never done anything, or had not stupidly misinterpreted what you said and stayed silent after all. I don't know, I'm not saying it has anything to do with you anyway. I know who's responsible if something is wrong after all.

[6/12/2018, 10:04 PM] Prathik: Oh, today I mixed NaOH with NH4Br, boiled it and inhaled it. I also had to do some speaking for a group activity in English, and I didn't really fuck it up at all or get shaky knees

Just saying. Anyway, which Tapasya acquaintances are you still in touch with?

[6/12/2018, 10:42 PM] Prathik: Oh look, they just killed off net neutrality in USA. Fucking Ajit Pai. As if he didn't have an incredibly punchable face to begin with.

...

[6/10/2018, 10:05 AM] Prathik: If you say so. Read at your own inconvenience.

Since I'm idiotic enough, I decided to read more of the dude's articles. Lost a ton of brain cells. Also, don't read the comments. Nutty, the lot of them.

[6/10/2018, 11:00 AM] Prathik: "The power of propaganda always surprises me. Only 30 years ago, homosexuality was almost universally condemned, and now it’s accepted in half the world and half the States. Clearly, the natural position worldwide is that homosexuality is a disorder, and should be condemned. The problem is, we lost the youth. Somehow, homosexual advocates were able to brainwash and indoctrinate them into accepting it. If you talk to anyone my age, they believe that homosexuality poses no health risks (homosexuals have a 5 times higher chance of getting HIV) and that they are born as homosexuals (despite no scientific evidence.) IMO this is a result of two things: homosexual propaganda (esp. through the internet) and the collapse of the traditional marriage model. The parents simply haven’t taught their children about Christianity and thus they are easy prey for the homosexual movement.

Honestly, I am very pessimistic and I feel that it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. More and more ‘Christians’ are accepting this behavior day by day and it’s heartbreaking."

Has to be the most ironic things I've ever read. Talks about propaganda and indoctrination, but completely turns a blind eye to how he's become what he is.

[6/10/2018, 6:29 PM] Prathik: And now, I've realised that I could have actually spent my time better by talking to you on the phone as you suggested. Not that I studied one bit as I planned to do.

...

[6/9/2018, 1:56 AM] Garima Joshi: Bye now, love you.

[6/9/2018, 1:57 AM] Prathik: Bye. Love you.

...

if I could really recover from the depressed, socially anxious, and suicidal person I am today, believe me I'd let you know immediately. I promise.

...

[3/20/2018, 3:01 AM] Garima Joshi: I know you said you were tired. Thanks for sticking around. Always great talking to you.

[3/20/2018, 3:02 AM] Prathik: It's always fun talking to you. So.. yeah. Do we say goodnight or goodmorning at this point?

[3/20/2018, 3:03 AM] Prathik: Yeah. Stay safe in Delhi will you? Bye.

[3/20/2018, 3:04 AM] Garima Joshi: I'll try, I'll try.

Have a good day (today)

Bye, love you.

[3/20/2018, 3:06 AM] Prathik: I thought you said cheesy stuff were grossing you out...

I'm sorry, did I sound a little overprotective?

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Garima Joshi: Okay Patrick I love you v much but I'll find you a wife tomorrow, for now you need those 2 hours 58 minutes of beauty sleep to rope in all those women

[3/20/2018, 3:13 AM] Prathik: Lulz. Fine. Love you too.