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lk-ramblings · 4 years ago

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Carpe Noctem

Seize the Night

Meral x Aydın

MenajerimiAra

"I want movement, not a calm course of existence. I want excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I feel in myself a superabundance of energy which finds no outlet in our quiet life."

-Leo Tolstoy

* * *

Her thumb hovered over the number, only to be used in case of an emergency.

Well, this qualified as an emergency in her opinion. Dicle had not responded to her texts for an hour about whether she had reached Barış or not, and worry was clawing at Meral's insides. She decided to call.

'Merhaba. Aydın? This is Meral.....Dicle's housemate."

A low chuckle sounded at the other end. "Merhaba. Yes, this is Aydın, Barış's brother."

"I know who you are."

"And I know who you are."

She rolled her eyes. " Harika. I was just calling to ask if Dicle texted you or......" she trailed off, suddenly realising how awkward this was. Damn it. She was never anything less than sensible.

"Not since I texted her the address. Is there any problem?"

"Yok. Yok. I just worried since it's quite late and the neighbourhood.....well they must be talking and she forgot."

"Hmm. Yes. Talking. Probably."

She had the feeling he was laughing at her and bristled. " Well, thankyou. Sorry to bother you. Iyi geceler."

* * *

He could imagine her derisive look, the one he had seen her wearing when talking about Beren. The idea of her rolling her eyes sparked something in him and made him want to snatch the opportunity.

"Wait-"

"Yes?"

"Um....." he did not know what to say, and he was sorely out of practice with conversing about anything other than work. "Your concern for Dicle is very touching," he finished lamely.

There was silence on the other end and he could not really blame her.

"Well...thankyou I think? I hope Barış feels better and comes back soon," she sounded sincere in her goodwill and it warmed his heart, as anything related to Barış always did.

"Yes, InşAllah. I met him today, he's doing better now."

"Good to hear..."

"I was wondering, if you wanted to meet up and discuss? Barış and Dicle, yani. Or general things. Actually more of general things. Since, New Year's was fun and...."

Silence again. He was just about to make sure the call had not dropped, when she spoke, "That sounds great. Where do you want to meet?"

His heart gave an excited thump." Wherever you want."

"Oh, I have a great idea," he heard the smile in her voice that already had him looking forward to tomorrow with a new excitement.

* * *

Her favourite restaurant was roaring with white noise, the air perfumed with spices. Her mouth was watering and she was already anticipating the pleasure the meal would bring to sate her growling stomach. Even her great love of food was not enough to occupy her thoughts entirely, though.

She was nervous and excited; wondering if they would still have the connection she felt at the New Year's party. It was hard to determine what he felt from the few glances they managed to exchange at parties. Her imagined conversations, however, kept being interrupted by the couple arguing right behind her booth.

She sighed. She was just about to turn around and jump in their quarrel, when he arrived.

Meral had convinced herself that her years of romance and dizi infatution had embellished her memory of him. She had taken extra care dressing up, all the while telling herself she was being silly. Neyse, what had all the effort on that doomed Singles Party been for? Only a single glance?

She did not need to worry or dress up, she reassured herself. It was just a pair of acquaintances meeting. It could be fun even.

The reality of him exceeded her memory. He was snug in a crimson sweater, bold and festive; his hair and face shining from the outside cold. He looked brooding in a dangerous sort of way and she was suddenly glad she had gone to the extra effort.

But then he smiled and Meral was forced to consider that smiles always won over broody pouts.

"Hoş Geldin!"

"Hoş Bulduk. Pardon, did I keep you waiting? You seemed to be frustrated when I came in."

"Ha! That wasn't you." She leaned forward and lowered her voice- motioning to the booth behind her- and he did the same." I was about to join in their fascinating discussion about stocks and resolve the issue for them. As an unbiased third party."

"Ofcourse, because you are an accountancy expert."

"No, because I'm incurably nosy."

He barked a surprised laugh at her.

"Do you often get involved in things that are none of your business?" he said, trying to match her tone.

"Unfortunately, no. That's Dicle. I always gather information but only get in fights that are my business. And I win." She sent a quick prayer of thanks for the loud couple for kickstarting their conversation.

"Öyle mı?"

"Aynen."

"Speaking of Dicle, how is Kiraç Bey doing?"

"Much better!"

"Good to hear. Geçmiş olsun."

"Sağ ol."

She was just thinking they were in danger of lapsing into an awkward pause, when the waiter arrived to save them from it.

"Hoş Geldin. Meral Hanım, the usual?"

"Yes, please!"

"You come here often? I'll have what the lady is having then," Aydın said, closing the menu.

"Yes, I love this place. It's so close to our home too," she continued after the waiter had left. "You're sitting in our special booth, actually."

"Whose?"

"Dicle and mine. We always sit in the same place everytime so the staff practically has it reserved for us."

He smiled but then a teasing glint came into his eyes, "Same place, same order. You don't like new possibilities?"

She could not believe he had hit close to her vulnerable spot so quickly. Half of her wanted to welcome the exploration, delighting in someone trying to know her. The other half, the dominant, ever-sensible one wanted to retreat.

"I do. But there's comfort in familiarity. Honestly? I've realised I would thrive in a communist setting."

Aydın laughed, spluttering, the glass of water raised midway." You say the oddest things."

The pleasure of making him laugh made her glow and she relaxed. "If I have too many choices, it’s my fault if I make the wrong one. But if decisions have been made for me? Not only can I complain to my heart's content, but I also feel like I have triumphed against great odds in the struggle to become the independent woman that I am."

“You see odds in everything? I see now why you chose this job." He was regarding her with respect and curiosity. The combination made her feel heady, wanting to let her guard down.

"Why?"

"You get to calculate odds and meddle with everyone's business on a professional basis.”

It was her turn to laugh in surprise.

* * *

As they ate, they talked about everything from history, to food to dizis, the conversation darting in different directions. Meral could see his quiet intelligence, his attention to detail. She could not remember simply enjoying talking this much before. He had a ready response to everything. Words and laughter were bubbling inside her.

"I better warn Barış. You've watched too many serial killer movies and would leave no trace."

"You can relax. He's not on my hit list yet."

At his devious smile, she pointed at him with her fork. "For now. He's on my good side for now."

"Don't worry, he's a true romantic. He would never do anything that would get him on your hit list."

Her face softened into a smile, "He really his."

"You know, sometimes I feel like I'm their Teyze."

"Barış and Dicle? From a hitman to a teyze?" he grinned at her.

"Yes.Yani, I cook and clean, which I love to anyway. But then being the unwanted third wheel living in her children's house, I leave quietly once I know he's coming over."

"Oh well, I'm the teyze in our house then. You know when- " he stopped at her burst of laughter. "What?"

"I'm sorry- I just-" she said between gasps, "imagining you as a cranky teyze is- actually that's a pretty good description."

"Oh, you think so? As I was saying," he said in mock affrontery, "after Barış got shot, he was trying desperately to be alone with Dicle. But-'

He was laughing so hard he could barely get the words out and she joined in aswell.

He gathered himself and began again," But every single person we know other than Dicle was appearing at our doorstep. And, you remember, Celal Bey? He brought a mountain of food over. And then when Dicle was finally coming over, what did Barış do? Beyeffendi handed me a couple of boxes and told me to disappear."

"How cruel."

Their laughter gradually faded into comfortable smiles. "That man eats like every meal is his last meal," Meral said.

"Evet, but who does not enjoy food though?" he said with a pointed look towards her just to see her reaction and earned an olive in his face for the jab.

"Ow! How do you know how Celal Bey eats anyway?"

"I saw him. At the TV dinner? In the restaurant you recommended?"

"What?"

Her subconcious writer, which had been busy penning their story, suddenly deflated at him not even remembering their first meeting. What hope did a romance have when one party did not even remember the meet-cute? And since when was she considering this a date? Or a romance?

She shook her head and focused back to the present. His expression was serious now, devoid of all the teasing warmth.

"Yes, I remember. I'm sorry you had to see me that way. That wasn't my best behaviour."

He gazed out the window. Meral was dying to know more, to smooth over the lull in the conversation but afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Finally he met her gaze, having made a decision. "I've always been practical all my life. Had to be. Barış and my father are quite hot tempered and.....impulsive, so I was mostly making the money, holding down the jobs. Keeping the job and the peace. I don't apologise for doing what had to be done."

"Tabi canım, you don't have to explain to me. Pragmatic is my middle name." she agreed easily, yet touched that he had shared some small part of himself.

'To doing what needs to be done," she raised her çay in a toast. He smiled and some of the light heartedness returned.

"I understand that life is more than making money and looking attractive. I know I pressured Barış- even got into a fight with Dicle," he glanced at her embarrassed.

"Growing up, our mahalle just reinforced that a happy life is the type of life that photographs well. I know this isn’t true- now- but it’s hard not to think this way. I’ve internalized it."

"I know." Her voice was soft and sincere, easing some of his discomfort. "That's what our lives have become these days. If only we remember to live the moments that we love to photograph."

"Evet. How right you are."

"And this isn't off the back of some truck. This is my own wisdom." She was grateful to see him smile again.

"Gathered during hours of repetitive work. I sit in that room each day, half my mind on the numbers, half in my infinitely more adventurous world."

"You call that repetitive?! I would love that! The assurity of routine."

He sat back with a sigh. "I had so many jobs, never knowing when one would end. Mesela, my current job with Serkan Bey? I finally know some part of what each day brings."

"But don't you miss the excitement of new things?"

"I guess I would thrive in a communist setting too, Meral Hanım. But this sector already has so many new weird things happening everyday, it's never the same."

"Oh you're a veteran of 'this sector' now?"

"Absolutely. Ha! But truly I.....feel like I belong? Actually, Serkan helped me in a difficult situation and I ended up here. I realised I actually enjoy it. I find I have a talent for organising. And persuading and cajoling. Although, if you listen to the whims of all these people! You come across some complete- well I shouldn't say but- Even more than what I met as a taxi driver. I-"

He stopped and seemed to gather himself. "Just glad I have security. The comfort of certainty."

Meral was fascinated hearing him talk, his eyes lit with keen intelligence. She wished she could revel in the comfort he described, but lately she felt stuck in a rut. She had told him she did not like choices but that was not true. She yearned to take chances. Her life had become a collection of the same days, same nights out with the same people. This evening was the only thing breaking the endless monotony.

"I bet you have great stories to tell though. I love listening to stories. We get absolute weirdos at our place aswell but it's ultimately boring. I live vicariously through Dicle."

"I think we should stop talking about them as if we're the side characters."

"Yani?"

"Yani novel falan filan. We keep talking about Barış and Dicle. We should focus on us a little, I think."

His voice had dropped at the end, his eyes on her felt like a caress. Meral could feel something tugging at her to explore this new territory, to take the chance she kept telling others to. But, imagining something in your head was vastly different than having that play out in real life. She fell back on her customary sarcasm.

"Ah, novels. I see I've already corrupted your practicality. 50 points to Ravenclaw."

He had been giving her a lazy smile but groaned at her words. "You're both 'Potterheads'?"

"I thought we weren't talking about them."

"We won't. Because I don't know where to even begin about this. We watched the movies when we were younger, but apparently that's not enough and Barış has been trying to get into 'the fandom'." His voice was a mix of exasperation and affection.

She cried out in mock outrage trying to hide her glee, "Did you just air quote again? And ofcourse that is not enough. I'm glad he is on the right path."

'Neyse. And before you say anything, yes, I know I'm a Slytherin.'

'Oh absolutely," she laughed at his disgruntled form languishing in the booth.

'Ee?'

She raised an enquiring eyebrow.

"So how did you get into the wonders of accounting. I've been spilling all my secrets to you and you give nothing away. Hadi, don't make me take out my truth potion."

"Tsk, tsk. Banning magical discourse and then indulging in it yourself? Shameless."

His quick smile seemed to seep into her.

"Lütfen ya, give me something here. You mentioned you shifted to Istanbul?"

"Yes I did. But that is a story for another day. It's getting late. I think the owner might be coming to personally throw us out."

Her humour just kept surprising him anew; he could not remember when he had last laughed so much.

* * *

As they walked back to her house, he noticed her slowing slightly. "Are you tired?"

"Biraz. My soul wants to party but my body is of an old woman."

"And what do old women like doing at night?" he cringed at how it sounded.

"Well it's winter so, we drink hot chocolate wrapped in blankets, and avoid people."

"Well people are sources of warmth aswell." Damn. There she was, throwing out words in bright clusters all night, like the gentle snow falling around them.

And everything he said was coming out like an innuendo.

"I mean, figurative warmth. The pleasure of company."

She just raised her eyebrows and hid a smile behind her hand.

"We revel in solitude."

"I didn't know you were that eager to get away from me."

"Oh, you have no idea."

"I think I have some idea." There was something about her, that just made him fall into this teasing, snappy rhythm.

"But we've only met twice. That's not enough data points to form an accurate picture."

"We have met more than twice. And you're doing this on purpose aren't you?"

"What?"

"Mentioning data points now that I've confessed my love for organisation."

Her laughter rang out in the hushed street.

The snow was falling around them gently, giving everything a glittering glow. Her impish face was turned upto his, the snowflakes in her hair like diamonds and dissolving on her lips.

He had the sudden urge to taste that snowflake, run his tongue along the seam of her lips.

Something inside him held him back. He was afraid it was too soon. Afraid to burst this, whatever magic they had between them, just as it was beginning.

Meral could see the moment he decided to forego kissing, the fire in his eyes cooling as they returned to their normal lazy depths. Keen disappointnent burned inside her but was chased away by the still buzzing energy that had been between them all evening.

This evening had already proved to be much more than her normal. An outlier. She wanted to capture the bright feeling, like a firefly; bask in the light for a brief moment and then let go.

"Thankyou. It was..." Unique. Comfortable. Thlrilling, all at once. "Fun. I enjoyed spending time with you."

Surprisingly, her shyness made him bolder. "Me too. I would love to do this again." She looked up. "If you want to, I mean."

"I wasn't angling for an invitation."

"I know. But it stands regardless. I would love to do this again." He could not believe he had managed to get that out without tripping over his words.

The tentative smile on her face made him add, " I must prove I'm the ultimate teyze between us. I'll cook for you."

"Şaka?!" she gave a delighted laugh. "Well then, let the Battle of the Teyzes commence."

When he took her proffered hand, their was a slight shock, as if their bodies were completing the circuit, that energy finally finding a closed loop.

"O zaman, iyi olan kazansın," he said softly.

"Iyi olan kazansın."

"Iyi geceler. Meral." he said, finally breaking the handshake.

"Iyi geceler." She went in and turned at the doorstep. "Aydin."

His name on her lips, materialising in the cold air for a second.

He smiled that slow smile again. An outlier. An input that could start new trends, open new possibilities, change everything.

* * *

#MenajerimiAra #Meral x Aydın #AyMer #CarpeNoctem #my writing

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lk-ramblings · 4 years ago

Text

Eve Geliyor

Dicle ve Barış

Menajerimi Ara

(Bu sahne 30. bölümde Dicle ve Barış'ın buluşmasıyla başlıyor.)

* * *

Sana dokunabilmek için sonsuzluktan vazgeçerdim

Çünkü bir şekilde beni hissederdin biliyorum

Benim olabileceğim cennete en yakınsın

Ve bu gece eve gitmek istemiyorum

-Iris

Goo Goo Dolls

* * *

Küçük televizyonda genç versiyonunu, umutlu gözlerini - şu anki durumundan uzakta - izledi ve etrafına baktı. Evle ilgili her şey bir müze gibiydi; eski TV, duvarlardan boya soyma, kalıntılar gibi keten kaplı kanepelere. En kötü anılarınızı olduğu gibi saklamak için korunmuştur.

Hiçbiri burada yaşamıyorken bu evi neden bu durumda tuttuklarını merak etti.

Ama sonra önündeki yolun çok kasvetli göründüğünü hatırladı, orada ne kadar para olacağını ve şu anki evinde ne kadar kalacağını bilmiyordu. O kadar ev var ki ama gerçek ev yok.

Çok fazla sadece ev vardı ama hiçbiri ev gibi hissettirmedi.

Küçük Barış o anı ona tüm parçalanmış hayallerini hatırlatmak için seçti, "...... sonunda kendimi tebrik ediyorum. Önümüzde güzel günler olduğuna eminim!"

Kapı zilinin delici halkası videoyu kesintiye uğrattı; birisi parmağını zile açıkça yapıştırmıştı.

Bu günlerde her zaman yüzeyin altında köpürüyor gibi görünen öfkesi yükseldi ve öfkesini memnuniyetle karşıladı.

"Biraz huzur bile edemez miyim, NE VAR YA?" alt kata gelirken, diye bağırdı.

Aptala ağzının payını vermeye niyetiyle kapıyı açtı- ve gözlerine inanamadı.

Yine halüsinasyon görüyordu. Olmalıydı. Burada olamaz. Dicle-

'Sen bana bunu nasıl yaparsın ya?'

Şokundan tokat attığını zar zor hissetti. Ama henüz bitmedi. Dicle'yı hiç böyle bir öfke içinde görmemişti.

'Nasıl öylece ortadan kaybolabilirsin?! Sana bir şey olduğunu düşündüm. Kaç gündür seni arıyordum? Kaç gündür endişeyle ölüyorum ben ?! '

Onun kalbi hasret dolu bir ritim attı;

sevinçliydi, şok olmuştu, alçakgönüllüydü, utanmıştı, hepsi birden.

'Nasıl bir durumda olduğuma dair HİÇBİR fikrin var mı? Bir şey soylesene! Ya cevap versene Barış!' Dicle sorgulamaya devam etti ve her saniye kendini daha suçlu hissediyordu. Sadece sessizlik içinde öfkesinin çarpma taşımaya devam etti.

"Ben neler yaşiyorum senin haberin var mı? Nelerle uğraşıyorum, ben yine de senin gibi çekip gitmiyorum! Sevdiklerimi yüzüstü birakmiyorum!"

Ne söyleyeceğini bilmiyordu, doğru kelimeleri kavrayamadı veya cümleler bile kuramadı.

"Biz böyle mi devam edeceğiz? Birlikte savaşmayacak mıydık? Ya sen beni yanımda olmayacak mıydın?" Sesi yalvararak, acının boyutunu açığa çıkardı.

Ve daha fazla dayanamıyordu.

O yüzden onu öptü.

Nazikçe, o kadar nazikçe, kelimelerle ifade edemedi bir hassaslık, söylemek istediği tüm özürler için. Nefesi şaşırdı ve tereddütle ağzını açtı.

Dudaklarını hafifçe çekti - o kadar şekerli - son bir tat alarak. Bu bile kafasındaki kaosu yatıştırmaya yetmişti.

Barış ona baktı ve tepkisini bekledi. Dicle yanağından düşen bir gözyaşı gördü. Söyleyemediği her şeyi içeren öpücüğünün hayaletini hâlâ hissedebiliyordu. Benim için önemlisin. Seni özledim. Üzgünüm.

O yüzden cevap vermeye karar verdi. Onu tekrar öptü, kendisi gibi nazik değil, ama onu yuttu, hapsolmuş özlem sonunda bir kurtuluş buldu. Ben de seni özledim. Şimdi buradayım. Girmeme izin ver, birlikte olalım.

Barış dişlerinin keskinliğini dudaklarında hissetti ve yalnız olmadığını biliyordu. Ağzına inledi. Vücudu tutuştu. Bu. Bunu nihayet nasıl doğru yapılacağını bildiği bir şeydi. Onun uçaklarını mükemmel bir şekilde sevmeyi, hayal etmek için sayısız gece geçirdi.

Ceketini açtı, elleri her yerde dolaştı, ona dokunmaya doyamadı, asla. Dudaklarından, yaşam çizgisinden kopmadan giysilerini çıkarmaya çalıştı. Dicle'yı duvara yaslamıştı.

Dicle vücuduna bastırdı, kendini ona karşı şekillendirdi, ve o zevkle tısladı. Artık ayakta durmak yeterli değildi.

Öpücüğü asla bozmadı, onu aldı ve yumuşak bir şekilde yatağa yatırdı. Önceki geceleri dalga geçip öpüştükleri geceleri hatırladı, ama bu çok daha fazlaydı. İkisi de ihtiyaçtan deliye dönmüştü ve gömleği çabucak çıkmıştı.

Sütyeninin tokasını açtı ve onu öptü; evin soğuğu ve vücutlarından gelen sıcaklık, her hissi yükseltmek için birbirine karıştı. Bir an bile Barış'ı bırakmak istemedi, sabırsızlık onu kemiriyor.

Saçları darmadağınıktı, sakalı hiç görmediği kadar uzundu. O kadar güzeldi ki ağrılıyordu. Öne doğru eğildi ve Barış'ın köprücük kemiğinin çukurunda parlamaya başlayan ter parıltısını yaladı.

Gözleri arzuyla doluydu, her kıvrımın üzerinde geziniyordu. Barış'ın yeterli sözü yoktu. O sadece muhteşem vardı. Tüm kıvrık uzuvlar ve çil takımyıldızlarıyla tozlanmış kremsi cilt; her birini bir öpücükle saymak istedi. Ve onun saçı.

Saçları erimiş bir havuz gibi etrafına dökülüyor, ona doğru ilerlediğinde. Sanki trans halindeymiş gibi ona uzandı. Barış ona gözleri kendi arzusunu yansıttığını gördü.

Aniden utanan, Dicle ellerini yüzüne koydu ve fısıldadı, "Ya yanlış yaparsam?"

Ellerini yüzünden uzaklaştırdı ve nazikçe başını onunkine yasladı, "Burada yanlış yok. Bu sadece sen ve ben."

"Sadece Barış ve Dicle."

Tekrar ağzına girmek için ihtiyacı olan tüm cesaret buydu. O biraz keskin ve sadece 'Barış' olarak bildiği bir şeyi tattı. Ağzı ıslak, yumuşak ve lezzetliydi. Dicle yeterince alamadı. Durduğu anda, nefes almak ya da onu başka bir yerde öpmek için bile, onu geri çekti.

Dicle'yi nazikçe okşadı, gıdıklandığını bildiği yere. Vücudunun yumuşaklığını ve sıcaklığını kendi bedenine karşı yutuyor.

Sanki yüzüyormuş gibi hafif hissetti, bir his kendini hem tüketen hem de hayret verici. Birlikte hareket ettiler, sürtünme güzel bir son vaat ediyordu.

'Barış....,' Dillerinin dansı bile arzusunu doyurmak için yeterli değildi, onun yerine onu daha da ateşliyordu. Omuzlarından tuttu, yaklaşmaya çalıştı, öpücüğü daha da derinleştirmeye çalıştı, ona her yere dokunuyor. 'Barış ... yakına ihtiyacım var ... Senin içinde olmak istiyorum.'

Sert bir eğlence sesi çıkardı ve dudaklarına karşı konuştu, 'Sanırım repliklerimi çalıyorsun tatlım.'

Dicle iç çekerek güldü ve sonra inledi, onun uyluğunu usulca öptüğünde, önce biri sonra diğeri. Sakalının teninde keskin bir şekilde kayması onu çılgına çevirdi. Gitgide daha yükseğe çıkıp onu ihtiyaçtan kıvranarak sürdürdüğü için ondan bunu her zaman böyle tutmasını istemeye karar verdi.

Tam olarak nerede olduğu hakkında hiçbir fikri yoktu; onu her yerde hissedebiliyordu. Nefesi saçlarında, sevgiler fısıldıyor, sıcaklığı onu çevreliyor, bir eli kafasında, diğeri belini sarıyor.

"Dicle. Dicle. ... Siktir.....Sen o kadar yumuşaksın....."

"Dokunduğum her yerde bana uyuyorsun. Çok mukemmel. O kadar kahrolası mukemmelsın. Bunu defalarca hayal ettim, sevgilim.....'

Sonunda, sonunda içeri girdi. Ten cilde. Sıcağı harikaydı. Yavaşça boğazını ısırdı, onu boynundan aşağı öptü. Parmaklarını parmaklarını birbirine doladı ve o anda nasıl geldiklerini merak etti, arzunun öfkenin yerini aldığı yer.

Ama sonra Dicle, muhtaç bir hareketle kalçalarını hareket ettirdi ve artık düşünme kapasitesi kalmamıştı. Vücudu onunkine karşı, Barış'ı daha ağır, daha hızlı bir ritme teşvik etti.

Bu. Bu vardı.

Aşk ve arzu, baş döndürücü bir karışım halinde dönüp durdular, saçları etraflarını sarıyor, vücutları eşzamanlı hareket ediyor, salıvermenin peşinde koşuyor.

* * *

"Ben bunu planlamıyordum."

" Hmm-mm. Bende değil."

Birbirlerine sarılıp yatıyorlardı ve Dicle sonunda soruyu sordu bu bir süredir aklının arkasındaydı.

"Yani fırsat kendini gösterirse diye her zaman her yere- um yani.....prezervatifla- gidiyorsun?" onunla dalga geçti.

"Ah- ne diyebilirim ki- eski alışkanlıklar zor ölür. Arabamda her zaman yedek bir cüzdan bulundurdum."

"Ne?" aniden oturmak için hareket etti.

"Ne? N'oldu?" ses tonundaki ani değişime ayak uydurmaya çalışarak onu da takip etti.

"Yani, biriyle bir araya gelirseniz, cüzdanınızda her zaman bir veya birkaç tane bulundurursunuz- diye düşündüm- "

'Sen düşündün?' yavaşça onu teşvik etti.

"Her zaman hazır olduğunun sanıyordum çünkü - yani bizden beri - daha önce sorduğumda bizden bahsediyordum." diye mırıldandı, sesi gittikçe küçülüyordu.

Sonunda anladı ve Barış doğru kelimeleri bulmaya çalıştı. Ona güven vermek için. Sadece onun ilham verdiği duygu derinliğini dile getirmek için. Bunun onun için başka bir gecelik ilişki olduğunu nasıl düşünebildiğini anlayamıyordu.

"Dicle...bak, ben....."

Tekrar denedi.

"Abi ve ben, babamızın öfkesinden kaçmamız gerekirse, paramızı ve temel eşyalarımızı üzerimizde tutmayı öğrendik. Ve sonra ..... ölümünden ve birkaç küçük oyunculuk işi aldıktan sonra, içine düştüğüm bir yaşam tarzı oldu. Tiyatro partileri. Elimden gelse, akılsızca zevkin peşinde koşmak. Ancak sadece birkaç kez ..... " aceleyle ekledi.

Dicle, koridordan gelen ışıkta en hafif kızarıklığı görebiliyordu.

"O zamanlar ünlü değildim, bu yüzden çok da yoktu- ama ....." diye mırıldandı ve sonra içini çekti. "Dikkatli olmak benim için rutin hale geldi."

Bir duraklamadan sonra ona gülümsedi, "Ve rutininize sevindim, yoksa şu anda biz nerede olurdu?"

Onun sözlerine rahatladı ve saçından bir tutam yakaladı ve parmaklarının arasından geçirdi. Aralarındaki rahatlığa hayret ediyordi. Loş ışıkta bile parladı.

"Ama bilmelisin," diye durarak konuştu, net bakışlarına bakarken kelimelerin ona gelmesini umarak, 'sana olan hislerim ..... şimdi benim tutkum ... Okyanusu bir damlaya benzetmek gibi. Güneşi bir lambayla karşılaştırmak."

Sözleri ona gömüldü ve onun ilkel bir parçasını tutuşturdu. Dicle kendini ona attışaşırtacak, bir şekilde ona sarıldı. Barış onu içgüdüsel olarak yakaladı, bir yığın karışık saç ve uzun uzuvları.

Sahiplik boğazını yaktı ve öpücükler arasında fısıldayarak onu şiddetle, içgüdüsel olarak öptü.

"Sadece bana bak." Dudaklarını göz kapaklarına en hafif dokunuşu. " Bana gül." Tekrar dudaklarına döndü. "Bana dokun." Sırayla her yanağını öptü, keçeleşmiş sakalının altındaki minik gamzeleri.

"Benim ol."

Öpücüğüne gülümsüyordu, ama hemen ellerinin altında gergin olduğunu hissetti, omuzları gerginlikten sertleşti. Dicle onun gözlerine bakmak için geri çekildi ve usulca, "N'oldu?" diye sordu.

'Hiç,' diye gözlerinden kaçtı, gülümsediğini taklit etti ve tekrar dudaklarını tutmaya çalıştı.

Onu öptü ama tekrar sordu, yüzünü okşayarak, 'Barış, n'oldu?'

"Bu söylediklerimle mi ilgili? Orijinal değil, biliyorum ... ama sen ... Seni okuduğum ve sevdiğim her şeyde görüyorum, bu yüzden sadece ..... ," bu noktada gevezelik ettiğini biliyordu.

Barış hafifçe güldü. 'Yok, seni söylediğin her şeyi seviyorum,' yanağının eğimini dudaklarına kadar takip etti.

"Bana sadece hatırlattı ... onları - onların bir versiyonunu - çocukluğumdan hatırlıyorum. Çok farklı bir tonda ve farklı bir niyetle."

Sadece boynuna hafifçe masaj yaptı, paylaşmak isteyip istemediğini bekledi.

Derin bir nefes aldı ve düz bir sesle soyledi, "Babamın bunları anneme söylediğini sık sık duydum. Sarhoş döndüğünde, mahalle dedikodusu ne olursa olsun duyarak, zihninde bükerek."

"Bu benim odamdı." bir bakışla etrafına baktı, duvarların etrafındaki geçmişi canlandırmasına izin vermemeye çalıştı. Karanlığa minnettardı, bu yüzden Dicle'yle bir yerde bir odada oturuyormuş gibi yapabiliyordu, ona sadece bunları anlatıyordu, onları yaşamıyordu.

"Abi ve ben buraya taşındık ki- yani size zaten söyledim. Kapıya yukarıdakinden daha yakın. Uykuya dalmadan önce bu şeyleri bağırdığını, şüphelendiğini duyardım."

İkisi de konuşmadı. Elini saçında hafifçe okşayarak hissedebiliyordu.

"Anne bazen burada bize katılırdı," diye omuz silkti.

O anda o kadar savunmasız görünüyordu ki ona baktı ve sıkıntılı gözlerle geçmişini anlattı. Geri dönüp o küçük, daha genç Barış'ı yatıştırmak için her şeyi verirdi; onu koru.

Ama sadece şimdiki zaman vardı. Ve bu Barış, hayatı ona zor gelse de yumuşak kalan. Ve Dicle verecek sadece kendi sözlerine ve yüreğine sahipti.

Dicle elini tuttu. "Çok üzgünüm," diye yumuşak bir sesle başladı.

"Anılar böyledir." Avucuna bir öpücük bastırdı. "Geçmişin sonsuz bir hatırlatıcısı. Kendi başlarına şekilleniyor ve iltihaplanıyor. En hazırlıklı olmadığın anda, sana gizlice yaklaşıyor."

"Ama yenilerini yapabiliriz; şu anda daha mutlu olanlar. Kasıtlı olarak. Bunu aynı yerde."

"Yani gelecekte, geri döndüğünüzde, korktuğunuz sinsi bir fısıltı yerine onları bir hazine olarak aramaya başlıyorsunuz. Tamam mı?"

Endişelerini sindirmeye çalışarak ona sarıldı. Kalbinin atışını kulağının yanında duymak, onun sıcak, bütün ve yanında olduğunu bilmek yeterliydi.

"Dicle....."

"Mmm ?"

"Sen.......teşekkürler. Çok teşekkür ederim." Sonsuza kadar onun kollarında kalmaktan memnun, içini çekerek ona sarıldı.

"Burada, daha önce ne diyordun? Sabiha'dan daha fazla şiir mi? "

Melankolisinin yavaş yavaş eridiğini görünce gülümsedi. "Oh, hayır hayır, o Kürk Mantolu Madonna var...."

"Hmm, görünüşe göre Shakespeare'den sonra onu da okumam gerekiyor yani," dedi, aralarındaki mesafeyi kapatarak. Dudakları birbirinden sadece birkaç santim uzaktaydı, ikisi de gülümsedi.

Sinan ve Serap'ı ima ederek geceyi hatırladıklariyor biliyordu. Birbirlerini test edip alay ederkendı. Ama bu sefer yaklaştığında, bu bir oyun değildi. O onu öptü.

Bu sefer sıcak ve aç değildi. Yavaş, seksi ve şehvetliydi. Üstüne uzanana kadar onu belinden daha da yaklaştırdı. Ağızları tekrar kolayca birbirine düştüğü için vücudunun sıcaklığını seviyorlardı.

* * *

Saatler gibi gelen bir sürenin ardından, Dicle geri çekildi. Onun yanında tembel tembel uzandı.

"N'oldu?" Diye sordu, omzunun altından bir parmağını hafifçe sürükleyerek çilleri birbirine bağladı. Ona çok sevdiği yaramaz bakışı verdi, "Yorgun musun?"

"Hayır, sadece .... Susadım," dedi, birdenbire açıklanamayacak kadar utangaç hissederek.

Barış güldü ve doğruldu. " Ah pardon. Davranışlarım nerede, misafirime düzgün davranmıyorum. "

'Oh, ben bunu söyleyemem," onunla bu şekilde konuşmayı o kadar özledi. Sadece konuşmayı.

'Bana çok iyi davrandın Barış Bey.'

"Oh, öyle mı?"

"Evet. Ah- ama burnum ağrıyor.'

Ona sırıttı, "Mutfaktan biraz su alacağım ..... başka bir şey yok var yani" diye ekledi utanmış.

"İhtiyacım olan başka bir şey yok, sevgilim."

Ona hızlı bir güven öpücüğü vererek, Dicle yerden gömleğini giydi ve mutfağa gitti; sonsuza kadar bu anda yaşayabilmesini dileyerek.

Olmayı tercih edeceği başka hiçbir yer yoktu.

* * *

#menajerimi ara #dicle x baris #turkish translation #eve geliyor #my writing

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lk-ramblings · 4 years ago

Text

Coming Home

Dicle and Barış

Menajerimi Ara

(This scene picks up from Dicle going to meet Barış in Episode 30.)

* * *

And I'd give up forever to touch you

Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't want to go home right now

-Iris

Goo Goo Dolls

* * *

He watched his younger self on the tiny television, eyes full of hope- a far cry from his current state- and looked around. Everything about the house seemed like a museum; from the TV, to the peeling paint, to the sheet covered sofas like relics. Preserved to keep his worst memories intact.

He wondered why they even kept this house in this condition when none of them were living here.

But then he remembered he didn't know how long he could afford his current house, when the path ahead seemed so bleak. So many houses, no home. Younger Barış chose that moment to remind him of all his shattered dreams, " ......lastly, I congratulate myself. I'm sure there are good days ahead of me!'

The piercing ring of the doorbell interrupted the video; someone had clearly glued their finger to the ringer.

His temper, which always seemed to be bubbling under the surface these days, spiked and he welcomed the anger.

'Can't even be miserable in peace, NE VAR YA?' he shouted, going downstairs.

He opened the door, fully intending to give the idiot a piece of his mind- and couldn't believe his eyes.

He was hallucinating again. He had to be. She couldn't be here. Dicle-

'Sen bana bu nasıl yaparsın.....'

The sting of the slap barely registered. But she wasn't done yet. He'd never seen her in a temper like this.

'How could you just disappear like this? I've been losing my mind with worry! I thought something happened to you. How many days have I been looking for you? How many days have I been dying with worry?!'

His heart strummed an aching beat; he was elated, shocked, humbled, ashamed.

'Do you even have ANY idea what kind of state I was in? Bir şey soylesene! Ya cevap versene Barış!' She kept questioning him and he felt guiltier with every passing second. Just bore the onslaught of her fury.

'Do you even know what I'm dealing with? What I'm going through? And yet I'm not leaving everything and running away. I'm not leaving my loved ones alone.'

He didn't know what to say, couldn't grasp at words much less sentences.

"Is this how we're going to continue? Weren't we going to fight together? Weren't you going to be next to me?" Her voice turned beseeching, revealing the extent of her hurt, and he couldn't bear it any longer.

So he kissed her.

Gently, so gently, with a tenderness he could not find the words for, for the all the apologies he wanted to say. Her breath caught in surprise and she opened her mouth hesitantly.

His pulled softly at her lips- so sweet- taking one last taste. Even this had been enough to quieten the chaos in his head.

Dicle watched a tear fall unbidden down his cheek, as he waited for her reaction. She could still feel the ghost of his kiss, containing a wealth of things unsaid. You’re important to me. I missed you. I'm sorry.

So she decided to answer back. She kissed him again, not gentle like him, but devouring him, the pent up longing finally finding a release. I missed you too. I'm here now. Let me in, let us be together.

Barış felt the sharpness of her teeth on his lips and he knew he was not alone. He groaned into her mouth. His body ignited. This. This was finally something he knew how to do right. How to love the planes of her perfectly, countless nights spent imagining it.

He opened her jacket, his hands roaming all over, he couldn't get enough of touching her, never. Tried to get off his clothes without breaking away from her lips, his lifeline. He'd backed her against the wall.

Dicle arched into him, eliciting a hiss. Standing was no longer enough.

Never breaking the kiss, he picked her up and laid her smoothly on the bed. She remembered the night where they had fooled around, but this was so much more. Frantic with need, they both made quick work of her shirt.

He opened the clasp of her bra and kissed her; the cold of the house, and the warmth from his body heightening the sensations. She didn't want to let go of him. His hair was disheveled, his beard longer than she'd ever seen. He was so beautiful, it made her ache. Just before he pulled away, she licked at the sheen of sweat beginning to shine in the hollow of his collarbone.

He watched her, his eyes hazy, roving over every curve. She looked magnificent. All lithe limbs and creamy skin dusted with constellations of freckles; each of which he wanted to count with a kiss. And her hair.

Falling over him, unbound, when she moved forward. Reaching for him as if in a trance, he saw her eyes reflecting his own desire.

Suddenly embarrassed, she put her hands over her face and whispered, "What if I do it wrong?"

He removed her hands and gently touched his forehead to hers. "There is no wrong here. This is just you and me."

'Sadece Barıs ve Dicle."

That was all the encouragement she needed to claim his mouth again. He tasted of a slight tang and something she just knew as 'Barış'. His mouth was wet, soft, delicious. The moment he stopped, even to take a breath, or lavish attention anywhere else, she tugged him back.

He caressed her lightly, gently, where he knew she was ticklish. Devouring the softness and warmth of her body against his.

She felt untethered, the feeling both consuming and bewildering. They moved together, grinding, the friction promising a lovely high.

'Barış....' Even the dance of their tongues wasn't enough to sate her desire, instead stoking it higher. She grabbed at his shoulders, trying to get closer, trying to deepen the kiss even more, touching him everywhere. 'Barış...I need close...I want to be in you.'

He made a rough sound of amusment and spoke against her lips. ' I think you're stealing my lines, sweetheart.'

Dicle laughed on a sigh and then moaned as he kissed her thigh softly, first one then the other. The graze of his days old stubble was driving her insane. She made up her mind to ask him to keep it like this always, as he kept moving higher and higher making her writhe with need.

She had no idea exactly where he was; she could feel him everywhere. His breath in her hair, whispering endearments, his warmth surrounding her, one hand at her head, the other engulfing her waist.

'Dicle. Dicle. You're so soft. It's fucking ridiculous.'

'Everywhere I touch, you just fit me. So well. so fucking well. I've imagined it so many times, sevigilim.....'

Finally, finally he slid in. Skin to skin. The heat of it was exquisite. He bit her throat softly, trailing kisses down her neck. He tangled his fingers with hers and wondered how they they arrived at this moment, desire burning away the blazing anger from earlier.

But then she moved her hips in a needy motion, and he had no capacity for thought anymore. The pressure of her moving against him spurred him into a heavier, faster rhythm.

This. There was this.

Love and desire swirled together in a heady mixture as they fell together, her hair surrounding them, their bodies moving in sync, chasing the release.

* * *

'I didn't plan on that.'

'Hmm-mm. Me either.'

They lay cuddling together and Dicle finally voiced the question that had been at the back of her mind.

'So you've been going everywhere with protection at all times, in case the opportunity presents itself?' she teased him.

'Ah-what can I say- old habits die hard. I've always kept a spare wallet in my car.'

'What?' she sat up suddenly.

'What? What is it?' he followed her up aswell, trying to keep up with the sudden change in her tone.

'So you always keep one- or rather several- in your wallet incase you get together with some- I thought-'

'You thought?' he urged her on softly.

'I thought you were always ready because- I mean ever since we- I was talking about us earlier when I asked.' she muttered, her voice getting increasingly smaller.

Finally understanding dawned, and Barış tried to find the right words. To reassure her. To voice the depth of feeling that only she inspired. He could not fathom how she could think that this was just another one night stand for him.

'Dicle...Bak, I....'

He tried again.

''Abi and I learned to keep our cash and essentials on us if we ever needed to run from our father's rage. And then.....after his death, and getting a few small acting jobs, it was a lifestyle I fell into. Theatre parties. Chasing pleasure mindlessly if I could. Only a few times though.....' he hastened to add.

Dicle could see the faintest blush in the light filtering in from the hallway.

'I wasn't famous then, so, there weren't- but.....' he muttered and then sighed. "It just became routine for me to be careful."

She smiled at him after a beat, "And I'm glad for your care otherwise where would be right now?"

He relaxed at her words and caught a lock of her hair, running it through his fingers. Marvelling at the ease between them. Even in the dim light, she glowed.

"But you should know,' he spoke haltingly, hoping the words would come to him as he looked into her clear gaze, 'that my feelings for you.....my passion now....is like comparing an ocean to a drop. A sun to a lamp."

His words sank into her, igniting some primal part of her. She threw herself at him in a hug that took him by surprise. Barış caught her instinctively, a mass of tangled hair and long limbs.

Possession torched her throat, and she kissed him fiercely, instinctively, whispering in between kisses.

'Sadece bana bak.' The faintest touch of her lips on his eyelids. 'Bana gül.' Returning to his lips again. 'Bana dokun.' She kissed each of his cheeks in turn, the tiny dimples under the matted beard.

'Benim ol.'

He had been smiling into her kiss, but she felt him tense under her hands immediately, his shoulders stiff with tension. She drew back to look in his eyes, asking softly, "N'oldu?"

'Hiç,' he avoided her eyes, approximating a smile and tried to capture her lips again.

She gave him a kiss but asked again, caressing his face,' Barış, what is it?'

'Is it what I said? I know it wasn't original... but you...I see you in every thing I read and love so I just.....' she knew she was babbling at this point.

He laughed lightly. 'No, I love everything you say,' he followed the slope of her cheek to her lips.

'It just reminded me....I remember them- a version of them- from my childhood. In a far different tone and with a different intention.'

She just massaged his neck lightly, waiting if he wanted to share.

He took a deep breath and recited in a flat voice, " I often heard my father saying them to my mother. Whenever he would come back drunk, hearing whatever mahalle gossip there was, twisting it in his mind."

'This was my room.' He looked around, with a cursory glance, trying not to let the walls resurrect the past around him. He was grateful for the dark so he could pretend he was just sitting in a room somewhere with Dicle, just telling her these things, not living them.

' Abi and I moved here so- well I already told you. Closer to the door than the upstairs one. I would hear him shouting these things, doubting her, before going to sleep it off.'

Neither of them spoke. He could feel her hand in his hair, lightly stroking.

'Anne used to join us here aswell sometimes," he shrugged.

He looked so vulnerable in that instant as he looked at her and recounted his past with troubled eyes. She would have given anything to go back and soothe that smaller, younger Barış; protect him.

But there was only the present. And this Barıs, who remained soft despite life being hard to him. And she only had her words and her heart to give him.

Dicle took his hand. 'I'm so sorry,' she began softly.

'Memories are like that.” She pressed a kiss to his palm. “An endless reminder of the past. Forming and festering on their own. Sneaking up on you, when you’re least prepared for it.”

'But we can make new ones; better happier ones right now. Deliberately. In this same place.'

'So in the future, when you turn back, you go looking for them as a treasure rather than an insidious whisper you fear. Tamam mı?"

She hugged him, trying to absorb his worries. Hearing the beat of his heart next to her ear, knowing that he was warm and whole and next to her was enough.

'Dicle.....'

'Mhmm?'

'Just.....thankyou. Thankyou." He hugged her back, sighing, content to stay in her arms forever.

'Burada, what were you saying earlier? More poetry from Sabiha?"

She smiled, seeing his melancholy melt away slowly. 'Oh, no no, that was Madonna in a Fur Coat....."

'Hmm, looks like I have to read it aswell now after Shakespeare,' he said, closing the distance between them. His lips hovered over hers, and they smiled.

She knew they were both remembering the night she went over, hinting about Sinan and Serap. When they were testing and teasing each other.

But now, when she drew closer, it wasn't a game. He kissed her.

This time it wasn't hot and hungry. It was slow and sexy and sensual. He pulled her closer and closer by her waist until she was lying on top of him. Loving the warmth of her body against his, as their mouths fell together easily again.

* * *

After what felt like hours, she drew back. He lounged lazily next to her.

'What is it?" he asked, trailing a finger lighty down her shoulder, connecting the freckles. He gave her the mischevious look she loved so much, 'Are you tired?'

'No it's just....I'm thirsty,' she said, feeling unaccountably shy all of a sudden.

Barış laughed and sat up. 'Ah pardon. Where are my manners, not treating my guest properly."

'Oh, I wouldn't say that,' she had missed this, just talking to him, so much. ''I feel quite well treated, Barış Bey."

"Oh, öyle mı?"

"Evet. Although my nose hurts.'

He grinned at her, "I'll get some water from the kitchen.....there's nothing much else," he added embarrased.

'There's nothing else I need, sevgilim."

Giving him a quick kiss of reassurance, Dicle put on his shirt from the floor and made her way to the kitchen, wishing she could live in this moment forever.

There was nowhere else she would rather be.

* * *

#dicle x baris #menajerimi ara #my writing #episode 30

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