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writtingsparxx · 4 years ago

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Turn My Grief to Grace

Title: Turn my Grief to Grace Rating: Hard E. Very smutty. I regret nothing. Pairing: Genji/Zarya Notes: This was such a fun piece to write! I want to thank @unseaworthy for issuing me the challenge to write this off an interaction between the two.

Also, check it out on Ao3 as well!

Genji knew that there were some people who were still weary about working with him. After what he liked to refer to as his accident, he could understand why. There was still a lot of tension between people and omnics, and it made sense that people would be weary of him being mostly cybernetic. When he first started to recover he found himself struggling with everything. It wasn’t just because he had to relearn how to use 90% of his body, it was also because he felt completely alone and angry and lost. On the nights when he was trying to learn how to walk again, or on days when talking was more difficult than he remembered, or when his right hand shook as he tried to make a fist or move his shoulder Genji would start to wonder if this was even worth it anymore. Not only was his body in constant agony, but it wasn’t like he had much to live for any more. His brother had betrayed him, his family believed that he was dead, and he had no real other relationships in his life. Sure there was the young doctor who helped to save his life, but while she was pretty, he didn’t feel right trying to hit on his doctor. Genji literally had nothing left to live for.

But then Overwatch stepped in. They offered him the chance to help the organization and save the world at the same time. Not to mention they had one of the largest cybernetic facilities at their disposal in the world. It was a chance for him to start again and have a new life. Originally starting out in the Blackwatch unit, Genji mostly kept to himself and his few teammates. He kept his distance from everyone else, knowing that he wasn’t necessarily welcomed by some recruits who had joined to fight against people who were just like him. So, Genji stayed quiet, kept to himself, and worked with Blackwatch to better himself and the world that he was in.

However, the years in Blackwatch took its toll on his body. He soon found himself needing even more cybernetics in order to keep his body from deteriorating or getting too injured. By the time that he was out of Blackwatch’s control he was unrecognizable. If he didn’t know better, Genji would have said that he was an omnic. Now completely under Overwatch, Genji found himself avoiding the new recruits like a plague. It wasn’t necessarily because Genji thought that he was above the new recruits, but he figured that most wouldn’t want anything to do with the cybernetic man that looked exactly like the very enemy that they had signed up to defeat. Not to mention that people around Overwatch got curious about people’s histories very quickly. The last thing that he wanted to do was to bring up his accident. It had already taken him this long to be okay with what happened, he didn’t need a curious new recruit to cause him to spiral again. Plus, if he didn’t get close to anyone then he wouldn’t find himself as devastated when someone died at the hands of Null Sector or the new terrorist group, Talon. No, keeping to himself was the best way to protect himself.

But, despite his efforts to keep away from people in Overwatch there was one who didn’t give him that opportunity. She was a force to be reckoned with and she never gave him the opportunity to shut her out. She was a new recruit that had joined Overwatch after seeing the destruction that the omnics had caused to her home country. There were a few rumors running around the base that she had been a world champion weightlifter at one point and that she had pulled her weapon of choice off a downed omnic with her bare hands. Other than those few rumors, Genji knew absolutely nothing about the new recruit. It didn’t take long for her to make herself known.

The two first met as Genji was leaving commissary with McCree. Reinhardt had caught the two of them and introduced the new recruit, Aleksandra Zaryanova, or as she called herself, Zarya. Genji just stood back, away from the other three, letting McCree turn up his usual charm and Reinhardt dominate the conversation like usual. But, even with those two, Zarya kept her eyes on Genji the whole time. No matter how nonchalant he tried to play it off, he could feel her staring at him. Finally, as everyone started to depart, Zarya addressed Genji directly.

“I didn’t know that they let omnics into this organization,” Zarya said simply. Her Russian accident was thick and dripping with disdain.

“I am not an omnic,” Genji replied, turning away from Zarya. It hurt to hear someone call him an omnic. He was certain that people thought of him as an omnic already, but actually hearing someone actually call him that to his face was a completely different story. It reminded him just how far away from being the same Genji that he was years ago. Now he felt like he was more of a machine than a man. Zarya just huffed in response before leaving with Reinhardt, leaving Genji with his thoughts and a chatty McCree.

For the rest of the night, Genji’s mind was wrapped up with the idea that he was honestly mistaken for an omnic. He knew that he didn’t owe anyone an explanation, nor did he have any reason to tell Zarya the story of how he ended up like this, but Genji wanted to do nothing but explain what happened. He wanted to tell her the truth and maybe she would understand. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to end up more of a machine than a man. He didn’t want to sit there and hear the hydraulics in his legs that moved him, or the small filter that helped him breathe. He didn’t want to hear the liquid rushing through tubes that circulated his blood… Most of the time these weren’t issues. He had grown used to these sounds by now. They were just a part of him. But tonight, with the word ‘omnic’ ringing in his ear, his mechanical parts seemed to be louder than ever.

Realizing that he wasn’t getting any sleep, Genji decided to get up and head to the base’s gym. At least if he pushed his body to its limits he would pass out and he wouldn’t have to lay there listening to his body betray him. And apparently he wasn’t the only one who had the same idea. When Genji entered he realized that Zarya was already there, easily benching more than what Genji weighed. It was incredibly impressive to watch, just admiring how her muscles moved and how calm she seemed while doing it. It actually caught Genji off guard for a minute, He just stood there, watching her. That was until Zarya spotted him in the mirror.

“I didn’t know that your kind needed to work out at a gym,” Zarya commented, moving to sit at the end of the bench, her legs slightly spread as she took a towel and wiped the sweat from her forehead.

Genji crossed his arms across his chest, watching her in the mirror. He was trying to decide what he wanted to do. Part of him wanted to leave and let Zarya keep thinking that he was an omnic, but another part of him wanted to tell her the truth. He wanted someone to know the truth and to understand that he wasn’t this monster that she was trying to make him out to be. Exacerbated, Genji reached up, lifting up his face plate to show her his still human face. “How can I convince you that I am still a man?” he asked simply, staring at her in the mirror.

“I know what you are. I am only sorry that you do not,” Zarya responded simply. She caught Genji’s eye in the mirror, just watching him for a second.

The two of them just stared at each other for a few seconds. Finally, Genji was the first one to look away. “Maybe you are right,” Genji said, feeling absolutely defeated. If she had made up her mind that he was an omnic there was nothing that he could do to change her mind.

Zarya huffed, standing up and turning to look at Genji. She was taller than Genji remembered. Or maybe it was because she had been next to Reinhardt she didn’t seem as tall when they first met. It was then that she realized that Zarya could easily hurt him if she wanted to. Planting his feet better, Genji was ready for her to attack him, but instead Zarya reached out, taking Genji by the chin and forcing him to look at her. When Zarya wasn’t looking at him with complete disdain, she was one of the most beautiful people that Genji had seen. “I can show you what you are,” Zarya said softly, her eyes raking down Genji’s body.

“How are you going to do that?” Genji asked, a little scared about what Zarya could be thinking of.

Zarya smiled slightly, keeping the grip on Genji’s chin. She smiled slightly, catching his eye once more. “You can still feel, right?”she asked. Her words were heavy with implication, something that Genji wasn’t expecting. Curious as to where this might lead, he just nodded slowly. He definitely still had sensors across his body that allowed him to feel pain, and he imagined that he would be able to feel pleasure as well if it came down to it. He hadn’t really gotten the chance to test that theory out since he had recovered. “Then let me help you feel like a man. I’m in room 2642,” Zarya said, finally letting go of Genji’s chin before turning and leaving the gym.

Genji stood there for a moment, stunned about what had happened. Earlier that day, Genji was sure that she was going to murder him. She definitely had the strength to kill him with her bare hands. But now, she was offering to make him feel like a man for the first time in years. Part of him wondered if this was just a set up. After all, cleaning a room of evidence was much easier than cleaning an entire gym. As he stood there, his back against the wall, Genji pondered if he wanted to take the chance of going to her room. If she was going to attack him, he didn’t believe that he would resist it at this point. Genji understood. Most likely if he was in the same situation he would be upset as well. Still, there was a possibility that this was a legitimate offer. And it had been so long since he had felt anything sexual that it would be a welcomed experience. Plus, when Zarya wasn’t so intimidating she was gorgeous.

It was maybe half an hour after his run-in with Zarya at the gym that Genji had made up his mind. He was ready to face whatever Zarya had in store for him. When he knocked on her door, he didn’t know what to expect. But it definitely wasn’t Zarya in only a sports bra and a pair of shorts, every one of her muscles on display. Genji had never seen someone built like her before, and was completely taken by how good she looked. So much so that he didn’t even know what to say. Part of him wished that he had put his face plate back on because he was sure that he was blushing at the sight of her.

“I did not expect you to come,” Zarya said simply, opening the door to let Genji in.

“I was not sure that I would either,” Genji admitted, stepping into the room. He turned and watched as Zarya closed the door. There was no going back now. Genji’s heart was racing, and he was already making note of any escape routes that he might need. But, his escape route didn’t seem necessary. Zarya made no attempt to attack him. Instead, she stepped close, putting a hand on his chest.

“Let me remind you what it’s like to be a man,” Zarya said softly, running her hand down his chest, stopping at his waist.

Just that small gesture was enough to set every sensor in Genji’s skin on fire. It had been years since someone touched him like that. It was enough for him to gasp out loud, reaching out to put his hand on top of Zarya’s. He just stood there for a minute, feeling her skin under his fingers, feeling the warmth radiating off of her. He wasn’t warm anymore.

That was all the encouragement that Zarya needed. She leaned forward, kissing Genji deeply. One hand ran up his chest again, the other on his hip as she brought him closer to her. The kiss was soft, tender, and cautious. It was like Zarya was afraid that he would change his mind. He wondered if she was like him: An outcast in her world just hoping for a little bit of human connection.

Genji reached forward, letting one hand wrap gently around Zarya’s neck. He pulled her closer, deepening the kiss, wanting to be close to her, wanting to give her everything that he could. Genji’s other hand moved from hers, running along the muscles of her stomach, up until his fingertips barely touched the edge of her sports bra. Then he trailed his fingers back down to the edge of her shorts. Zarya emitted a soft moan at the feeling of his fingers running along her skin, and that was all the encouragement that Genji needed.

Gently, Genji started to push Zarya back toward the bed, happy that she didn’t resist. With her sitting and him standing, she still came up to about his chest. God she was so tall. Kissing her deeply again, Genji reached down, pulling her sports bra up over her head. “You are so beautiful,” Genji said softly, letting his fingers linger on her cheek before moving to run along her shoulders, her arms, her chest. Anywhere that Genji could touch, he let his fingers linger.

Zarya’s fingers ran along the panels of his legs, his chest, his waist. It was obvious that she was nervous about touching him or how this was going to work out, but she wasn’t shying away. In fact there were a few moments when her fingers dipped lower toward his crotch, only to pull away quickly. Her fingers then went to trail along his waist again and along his back. Zarya pulled Genji closer, placing a few open-mouth kisses along his stomach. The feeling of her breath on his cybernetic skin was almost enough for him to short circuit. Genji gasped, putting his hand in Zarya’s hair and using it almost as an encouragement to stay in place. “Can you feel that?” Zarya asked as she looked up at Genji from under her lashes. One hand stayed by her mouth, slowly running up and down his chest. Her other hand was on the back of his thigh, keeping him close.

Genji shuddered slightly as her hand trailed up his skin. “Yes,” he whispered softly. He didn’t know that someone could have this kind of power over him. Something as simple as the fingers on the back of his thigh was making him weak in the knees. Partly trying to hide that weakness in his knees, Genji slowly sunk down in front of Zarya. He ran his hands up her thighs to her hips before running them back down again to her knees, just feeling her muscles. The second time that he ran his fingers up her thighs, he went and tugged at the waistband of her shorts, encouraging her to take them off. Zarya obliged, raising her hips to slip out of her shorts and underwear, leaving her completely naked in front of Genji. He noticed that she had a bit of blush across her cheeks, almost making her skin match her hair.

“You are so beautiful,” Genji said again, letting his fingers run up her thighs once more. Slowly, and still keeping eye contact with her, Genji leaned in, pressing his mouth to the skin on the inside of her skin. Hearing the small gasp from her made Genji smile. He continued to kiss up her leg, passing over her slit and going to kiss back down her opposite leg. The teasing didn’t last long though, as Zarya’s hand reached down to rest on the back of Genji’s head, directing him toward where she really wanted. Genji chuckled to himself, kissing back up the inside of Zarya’s thigh before placing a tentative kiss right above her slit. Zarya let out a soft sigh in response, her legs opening a little further.

Seeing the reaction from her, Genji just smiled, placing a few more kisses along her slit. When he got to the bottom of her slit he stuck his tongue out, running it along her slit tentatively. Hearing Zarya moan as he reached her clit made him smile. He circled his tongue around her clit a few times, enjoying the sounds that Zarya made. He couldn’t believe how wet Zarya already was. Just the thought of her getting this worked up for him turned him on even more. Going further down, Genji stuck his tongue inside of her slit, finally getting to taste her completely. Without any hesitation he added a finger in as well, causing Zarya to gasp and roll her hips forward. The movement caused Genji to smile, his free hand going to rest at her hip, trying to keep her from bucking up too much. When he was satisfied that Zarya had been worked up enough, Genji added a second finger, hearing her moan under him once again.

Zarya moved her hips under him, adjusting until he hit the spot that made her gasp again. Genji smiled, bringing her closer to the edge. He heard a few whimpers from her, causing Genji to smile. When Genji could feel Zarya’s thighs start to twitch, he pulled away, leaving her on edge. Smiling widely, Genji moved up, leaning over until he was just a few inches above Zarya’s lips. He smiled bright before Zarya’s hand was on the back of his head, pulling him in for a deep, open mouthed kiss. Chuckling slightly, Genji kissed back deeper, moving one of his legs in between Zarya’s thighs. He smiled again, feeling her grinder herself against his thigh.

“Please,” Zarya whispered, breaking the kiss and looking up at Genji. He looked down at her, his eyes scanning her face. She was beautiful like this. Her skin tinted a slight red from being worked up, her blue eyes blown from lust. She was panting like she had just run a marathon. She was gorgeous.

“I have not… Not since I have been…” Genji said, all of a sudden feeling nervous. He knew that it would eventually come to this, but still. Now, in the face of actually finishing what he started he was scared.

“I don’t care. Please. Show me how much of a man you are,” Zarya said, reaching out and pulling Genji closer.

That was enough for him to regain his confidence. Genji leaned in, kissing Zarya deeply again. He ran one hand up her stomach and over her chest, letting his thumb circle her nipple to tease her. Another smile played at the corner of his lips. It seemed that whenever he was with Zarya he couldn’t stop smiling. Nervously, his other hand reached down to his hip, finding the latch for the panel that was between his legs. Zarya was going to be the first person to see him as naked as he could be since his accident. He was glad to be sharing it with Zarya. Once the protective panel was out of the way, Genji reached down, stroking himself a few times.

Zarya sat up on her elbows, watching as Genji stroked himself. With her eyes watching him, he felt even more embarrassed than before. He looked away before he gasped, feeling Zarya’s hand on his cock. He looked back toward her. She was stroking him at the same pace that he had been, her blue eyes looking up at him from under her lashes. Seeing her like that made him twitch in her hand. When Zarya’s lips wrapped around his head, his eyes rolled back and he let out a moan. Just something that simple was enough to almost make him blow his load in her mouth.

Reaching out, Genji wrapped his hand in Zarya’s hair, moaning as she took more of him in her mouth. He gripped a little tighter on her hair, smiling as she moaned at that. Genji didn’t want to push her too much and allowed her to set the pace, sighing deeply as she started to bob up and down on him. He knew that he wasn’t going to last that long after not doing anything for literal years, but he didn’t want to finish this quickly. “Z-zarya,” Genji stuttered out, encouraging her to lean back.

“Hmmm?” came her reply from around his cock, looking up at him.

Genji shuddered as he looked down at her beautiful face. She pulled off his cock with a small pop, keeping her hand wrapped around his shaft and stroking slowly. Genji ran his hand through her hair gently. “Let me make you feel good,” Genji whispered softly.

Zarya’s hand stopped. She looked up at him for a second before nodding and scooting back, spreading her legs. With her lying there, Genji felt like the luckiest man in the world. She was beautiful, strong, and wanted him. Of all people, this goddess of a woman wanted to be with the broken, cybernetic, shell of a man. Genji stepped forward, one hand around his cock as he ran it up and down her slit. His other hand went to cup the side of Zarya’s face. He pulled her close to him, kissing her deeply. At the same time he rolled his hips forward, pushing into her for the first time. She gasped against his lips, letting out a moan right afterwards. As Genji pushed in slowly, he lowered Zarya back onto her back. The hand that was on the back of her head moved so that it was beside her head, supporting him.

As Genji pressed all the way in, he paused, looking down at Zarya. He paused, leaning in to kiss her softly again. In that moment, as he continued to kiss her slowly over and over again, the rest of the world stopped mattering. It was just that moment. Just the two of them. Zarya was the first person to make him feel whole again.

After a few seconds, Genji paused his endless stream of kisses, pulling back slightly. “Are you okay?” he asked softly, running a hand through her hair. He didn’t want to start going too fast or move too soon and end up hurting her. Even someone as tough as Zarya could be sensitive to things like that.

Zarya didn’t respond, instead she just nodded her head furiously, moaning a little as Genji moved a bit. Genji found his footing under him and slowly started to pull out. When he was pulled out just enough so that his tip was still in, he pushed himself off the bed, straightening himself out. Both of his hands went to rest at Zarya’s hips, steadying her as he pushed back in again, going slow. He wanted to do everything in his power to drive Zarya to the edge. When he bottomed out again he rolled his hips against hers, loving the way she gasped and moaned.

This time he was quicker pulling out, still leaving just the tip in before rolling his hips against Zarya’s, going harder and faster. Each time he pulled out he sped up how fast he pushed into Zarya, loving the sounds of her moaning and gasping out his name. Zarya’s hands were above her head, grasping the bed sheets as she rolled her hips up to meet Genji’s. “Fuck. Fuck me harder,” Zarya gasped out between moans.

Hearing Zarya’s request, Genji pulled out completely. He tried to catch his breath before smiling. “I would like you to get on top,” he requested, running his hand up Zarya’s thighs.

“I would crush you,” she pointed out, biting her bottom lip a bit.

“I am stronger than I look,” Genji teased, leaning in and kissing her again.

When Genji pulled away from the kiss he went to lay back on the bed, stroking himself. He watched as Zarya hesitated for a few seconds before she went to straddle his waist. Her large thighs on the outside of his legs. Her hands were near his head as she arched forward, looking down at him as she lowered herself onto his cock once more. Genji let out a slow exhale, running his hands up Zarya’s thighs and smiling. When she was lowered down completely, Genji reached out and put his hands on her hips.

“You feel amazing,” Genji said softly, looking up at Zarya. He smiled softly when he noticed the blush across her cheeks. He ran his hands up and down her thighs again, letting Zarya get used to him again.

Slowly Zarya rolled her hips against Genji’s, making him smile and let out a shuddering breath. It was slow but deliberate. Soon, she rolled her hips again, moaning out. Genji smiled and started to match pace, rolling his hips up against Zarya. Once the two of them seemed to have a good pace, Genji moved his hands from Zarya’s thighs up to her hips. His fingers dug into the soft skin at her hips, encouraging her to go faster as he started to buck his hips up Zarya’s. She took his hint and started rolling her hips against his faster, causing him to moan out once more.

Genji had already been close. It was a combination of not having sex since before his accident and the way that Zarya was driving him absolutely crazy. Genji could tell that Zarya was close too. Her legs were twitching again. Genji sped up, bucking his hips up against Zarya’s as hard as he could, his hips moving more erratically, moaning as he started to come. He threw his head back, closing his eyes as he heard Zarya swear in Russian above him. He felt Zarya’s walls tighten around him, spurring his orgasm to last longer. The pink-haired woman leaned forward, nearly collapsing on his chest.

Wrapping his arms around her securely, Genji just kept her close. He ran his hand lazily through Zarya’s hair as they both laid there, panting. After a few seconds Zarya looked up at him, smiling. She leaned in, kissing him slowly again. “We should do that again,” she joked. Her voice was low and raspy.

“I would not mind that,” Genji said softly, running his fingers through her hair again. He leaned in, kissing her slowly once more. In that moment, as Genji lay there with Zarya on his chest, one arm around her protectively and the other running through soft pink hair, he felt whole again. For the first time in years he felt like he wasn’t hiding anymore. This was where he was supposed to be.

#My writing #Overwatch #overwatch fanfic #overwatch fanfiction #genji overwatch #genji shimada #genji/zarya #pwp

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lilacflamesss · 6 years ago

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Shattered (Chapter 10)

Smutty Ayahina College AU

Summary: Hinami tries to deal with her sorrows through seeking Ayato out. Ayato can never turn away the girl he loves far more than he should. Two people with unrequited feelings, dealing with them in very different ways. Human AU. (14.9k words)

Warning: This fic contains unhealthy coping mechanisms, heavy sexual content, and plenty of problematic/ dubious things which I absolutely do not condone at all. This is a work of fiction that takes on a more mature, physical take on Ayahina’s relationship as opposed to the typical conventional one. Please feel free not to read this fic if it’s not your cup of tea! Additional trigger warning for stillbirth since this is an add-on to the previous chapters and infidelity.

A/N: I spent so long debating if I should post this and then I decided, hey, why not? Enjoy! There might be a lot of typos and spelling mistakes in here but please just ignore them because I am way too sleepy to proofread them lmao. Please do reblog this and feel free to leave some comments!

Preview:

“It’s going to be okay, Ayato,” she says softly. She pushes him away slightly, just so she can cup his face and stare into his eyes. “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not.” He furrows his brows as he speaks. He sighs and closes his eyes. “It’s not going to be okay, Hinami. This is all I’m going to have.”

“That’s not true,” she argues. “I’m sure it’ll get better.”

He pulls away from her, turning away. For a moment, she worries he might leave but instead, he sighs again and sits down, leaning against the cabinet. They’re silent for a moment-- him looking up at the ceiling and her watching him. Ayato shakes his head.

“It won’t. I know it won’t,” he whispers.

If there’s any time for her to say it, she supposes she should say it now. “Ayato, if I say something now, will you promise to take it seriously?”

He shrugs. “I don’t think there’s anything I won’t if it’s from you.”

“If… I say I love you, how will you react?” she murmurs.

He shrugs again, his nonchalant disposition starting to really bother her. “I don’t know.”

“That’s upsetting.”

“Why?”

“Because I kinda do think I like you… in that manner,” she admits.

Normally, she’d be asleep at this time of the day. But she had started a very good book and it’s far too interesting to drop it to go and sleep. In fact, when her phone rang, she’s tempted to ignore it and continue reading. It’s the semester break now and she has no projects or assignments that would require anyone to contact her. She doesn’t even call or text her friends much. Tomoe is rarely on her phone and Hinami doesn’t really have any other friends. She had hung out with Miza and Naki before but she was never really close to them. They were more of Ayato’s friends and when he was with them, she had joined in. But now that Ayato and her barely talked, she doesn’t interact much with them either.

Hinami lets out a sigh. She puts her book down, gets up and walks to her table. Her phone continues to vibrate. The screen is lit and she sees a name that some time ago, would probably have made her very excited. She’s actually surprised that when ‘Big Brother’ continues to flash at her from the screen, she doesn’t hesitate in nervousness, her palms don’t sweat and it doesn’t feel like there’s a change in her heart rate at all. She picks it up casually.

“Hello?”

There are different kinds of sounds aside from Kaneki’s breathing on the other end of the line. She can hear background noises— clinking of glass, laughter and people talking. But she doesn’t hear his voice.

“Big Brother?”

“Touka… is that you?” Kaneki’s voice is soft and haggard.

“No, Big Brother. It’s me, Hinami.”

“Hinami?” he murmurs and for a second, it sounds like he doesn’t recognize the name. A brief moment of silence follows before he coughs and chuckles a little. “Oh! Hinami! What are you doing with Touka’s phone? Did you come over?”

She’s confused for a moment. She checks the phone in the hand. It is hers— Ayato had gotten her that custom-made cover for her birthday in their first year of college. She places it back to her ear. “This is my phone and I’m in my dorm.”

“I am pretty sure I called Touka though,” he sighs. His voice is a little slurred and she’s never heard him like that before.

“Are you drunk, Big Brother?” she asks.

“No, I’m not!”

“You’re drunk, aren’t you? Where are you now?”

“I’m at Miss Itori’s place. Uh… what’s it called again?” He’s louder when he asks for its name, probably directing it at someone else. Whoever is with him, perhaps the Miss Itori he mentioned, answers him, though her voice is too muffled for Hinami to make out. Hinami freezes. A ‘Miss’. He’s at a woman’s place. What does this mean? Who is this Itori anyway? Does Touka know about this?

“Big Brother, where are you again?”

“I told you. I’m at Miss Itori’s place. It’s a bar called Helter Skelter.”

Hinami relaxes. So Miss Itori is probably the owner of the bar he’s at now. She’s still a little suspicious, though. He seems well-acquainted with her. Hinami wonders if Touka knows about this person.

“Big Brother, it’s late. Don’t you think you should be going home—” She’s cut off as she hears some crashing noises, followed by loud voices talking over each other. She tries calling for Kaneki a few times, but there’s no answer. The call continues on without being cut, but Kaneki doesn’t seem to be on the phone anymore.

Her heartbeats might not have picked up just now but now they’re racing. She doesn’t get a response from him at all and she knows that he’s in a shady and probably really dangerous place. Something might have happened to him. Without much hesitation, she takes her coat and pulls it on. As she leaves her dormitory, she pulls up the map on her phone, searching for directions to the place he had mentioned. She wonders if she should inform Touka about it. The last time she had talked to Touka was the day they had gone for lunch together three months ago. After that, she hasn’t seen or heard from her. Touka will probably figure that something is up if she calls her. Hinami really didn’t want to worry Touka, especially not if it turns out to be nothing at all. She’ll check up on Kaneki and then she’ll decide what to do.

Helter Skelter is a bar in a more quiet part of town. It’s a pretty secluded place. She had to walk through an alley before she could arrive at the entrance. The moment she steps into the area, she already dislikes it. She wonders why Kaneki would even be here. It looks like the kind of place someone like Ayato would hang out in, not Kaneki.

A small lump rise in her throat. Thoughts of Ayato continue to surface in her mind, even at the most random of things. She thought that it would be easier to forget him. After that night they had, it felt like she had gotten to understand his side of things before and that she had gotten the closure she didn’t manage to when he broke it off with her the first time. She believed that it would have made it easier for her to forget him, but it didn’t. She couldn’t stop herself from pulling him back when he was about to leave. They did it twice in the morning even though she had promised herself that night was their last. She didn’t want to let him go. She didn’t want to lose him.

But she did and now she has to live with it.

She shakes her head before she pushes the door and slides in. The bar doesn’t seem too crowded and it’s a lot quieter than she had expected it to be. Things did seem pretty wild when Kaneki had called her but now it looks like everything had died down. There were a couple of others seated around the place, but Hinami finds him at the counter immediately, hunched over and holding a half-filled glass in one hand. In front of him, on the other side of the counter, stands a woman. She’s dressed pretty erotically. Even though she’s wearing a dress that Hinami assumes probably falls to the floor, the back is completely bare and her cleavage is emphasised a lot from the low-cutting collar as well. She’s without a doubt beautiful, despite her heavy make-up. Her hair is bright pink. It’s probably dyed, but it’s a colour that seems to suit her a lot.

That woman is probably Miss Itori.

Hinami walks over to Kaneki and sits on the seat beside him, lightly shaking him. “Big Brother!” she hisses.

Kaneki groans but other than that, there’s not much response. Hinami tries again, shaking him harder.

“He drunk quite a lot today,” the woman says. “I’ve never seen you around before. Such a beautiful girl. Are you perhaps the Touka I keep hearing about? I’m Itori. I run this place. Could I get you anything to drink?”

She really does seem close to Kaneki. Hinami finds herself being wary of this woman. Even if there’s nothing suspicious going on between Kaneki and her, this woman herself is just too shady. “No, it’s okay. I’m good. And I’m not Touka.”

“Oh?” Itori seems surprised. “Kaneki has never mentioned another beautiful girl in his life before. Are you perhaps… his side bitch?” There’s a glint in her eyes as she speaks.

Hinami can probably throw up from the thought. “No, he’s my Big Brother.”

“How adorable! I didn’t know he has a little sister,” Itori laughs, clapping her hands together. “The two of you look nothing alike, though.”

She could admit that they’re not related, but somehow, she feels that it might only bring about more complications. Instead, she shrugs and changes the topic. “I really should bring him home now, so if you’d excuse me.” She turns back to him, trying to shake him again.

“That’s easy,” Itori says. Hinami pays no mind to her, though she can see the woman moving about from the corner of her eye. She’s still shaking Kaneki when it happens. One moment, everything is normal and the next, his head is wet and he’s jumping to his feet. Hinami looks over at Itori, who’s holding an empty glass in her hand with a smirk.

“What’s the big deal, Miss Itori?” Kaneki groans aloud. “I’ve had a long day.”

“Your dear little sister here is trying to take you home but you’re not waking up so I thought I’d help her.”

“Huh?” Kaneki frowns and then looks to Hinami, taking his seat in the process. “Oh, why are you here, Hinami?”

“You called me and then you stopped talking all of a sudden and I heard some weird noises so I was worried and I came to check up on you. Is everything okay?” she asks.

“Everything is fine,” Kaneki insists.

“So what was the noise?”

“I don’t know.”

“Nothing really happened. If you’re the one he was calling just now, some fight was happening and someone happened to bump into him in the process and he turned his attention away from his phone. He must have forgotten about the call,” Itori sighs. It seems like she’s about to talk some more but a middle-aged man appears and sits down three seats away. Itori excuses herself and goes to him instead.

“Come on Big Brother, let’s go home already,” Hinami sighs, tugging on his arm.

“Let me finish this drink first,” he murmurs. She watches him. At the speed in which he’s sipping the drink, it’s going to take a long time. “You can go back first if you want.”

“No, you’re too drunk to be going home by yourself,” Hinami sighs.

“I’m fine. I’m not that drunk.”

“You were asleep when I came in,” she points out.

“I had a long day at work and I came here for more information. I’m not so drunk that I cannot return home on my own, Hinami,” he says.

“Drunk people do stupid things. You’re not fine.”

“That sounds like experience,” Kaneki chuckles. “Didn’t think you were the type to drink. What happened?”

“It was only once,” Hinami admits, turning away from him. She hesitates before she speaks again. She’d rather not tell him about this, but if Touka knew what was going on between her and Ayato, she won’t be surprised if Kaneki does too. Maybe she might get something out of being honest with him as well. Her feelings for Kaneki aside, it’s also true that she misses the time she was able to confide in him about everything, back when they were still close and he really felt like an older brother. Siblings confide in each other a lot, don’t they? It’s the impression she got from the books she’s read before. “I lost my virginity.”

Kaneki’s silent for a moment. He takes a sip of his drink and places it down before he starts to rub his temples. There’s a slight grimace on his face. “Touka is right. You’re not a little kid anymore. I need to stop thinking that way,” he sighs.

“What do you mean?”

There’s another moment of silence from him as he stares at his glass, rubbing the sides with his thumb. His face seems thoughtful. Perhaps he’s remembering the conversation he and Touka had when she had told him that. He places it on the countertop, crosses his arms and lets out a sigh.

“You and Ayato… when Touka told me the kind of relationship the two of you have, I didn’t like it at all,” Kaneki admits. Hinami feels her cheeks heat up immediately. She never wanted Kaneki to find out about this, but she had never told Touka to keep it a secret from him either.

“Big Brother, about that,” she says quickly, “we’re not doing it anymore.”

“Yes, but you’ve already done it, haven’t you?” he laughs. “You’re already over 20. You’re an adult now. Even though to me you’ll always be that little girl I had to look after at one point, I have to move on from that thought and accept that you’re all grown up.”

“Is that so?” Her cheeks are probably still red. Yet, this embarrassment doesn’t feel like those in the past which had her timid and sheepish around Kaneki. It feels like Kaneki is doting on her too much and Hinami simply has no idea how to deal with all the attention he’s giving her. She really has changed after all.

“Ayato is…” Kaneki pauses to take a sip and then stare blankly at a wall for a second or two before continuing, “Ayato and I have our differences. Things have happened in the past that can’t be undone. I don’t think I will ever forget all the pain he has put Touka through and he definitely will never forget what I did to him. Even then, he’s really worried both Touka and I a lot the past few years. I tried my best to look for him and with my resources and my job, I could, but Touka wanted to give him space so I had left it be. Still, she continued to worry about him like the caring big sister she is.”

Kaneki chuckles to himself and takes another sip. It feels weird sitting with him and talking to him about this of all things. Hinami doesn’t know how exactly to take all this. She remains silent, not knowing what to say. She’s supposed to move on from Ayato, but here she is talking about him and thinking about him again.

Just like every single day since they’ve separated.

“Despite all that happened,” Kaneki continues, “he’s a good person deep down, Hinami. I know he’ll take care of you so please take care of him too. The two of you suit each other.”

And now, her heart starts to race and it’s almost hard to breathe. The place is well-ventilated and it is far from being crowded and stuff. But even then, it’s suffocating. Kaneki’s words hang in the back of her mind like an added burden. The two of you suit each other. She feels like choking. She feels like being honest. No. No, we don’t suit each other. She can’t suit him, especially not after how much of an idiot she had been around him and how much she had unknowingly done to hurt him.

“We’re not together anymore,” she admits.

“Huh?” There’s genuine surprise in his voice as he turns and looks at her. Hinami wonders if Touka had told him about this too. Maybe he’d forgotten, or maybe Touka really didn’t. Either way, he seems completely taken aback and Hinami can see it in his eyes that he doesn’t believe her.

“We stopped doing that. We promised to stay on as friends but we barely spoke after that unless we really need to. It’s awkward being around him. I can’t even look him in the eyes when we pass each other in hallways,” she sighs.

“You two broke up?”

“Didn’t Big Sister tell you?”

Kaneki frowns. “Touka? She didn’t tell me anything.”

“Big Sister told us the kind of relationship we had wasn’t healthy and she’s right. We’ve only been using each other and it just became too complicated for either of us to bear,” Hinami says. “I shouldn’t have done it. Because Ayato was in love with me, maybe he really wanted it but I was never in love with him so I should have objected to it.”

Kaneki’s frown doesn’t falter. He simply stares at her for a long while before speaking. “I think you’re misunderstanding a lot of things.”

It looks like she’s getting herself into another lecture. First with Touka and now with Kaneki.

“Like what?” Hinami asks.

“Well for starters, are you sure you’re really not in love with him?”

It’s almost instinct for her to deny any attraction to Ayato, especially when she’s talking to Kaneki. But she hesitates. The truth is, she still doesn’t know what kind of feelings she has for him. He’s important to her. Living without him right now makes her feel empty. She still longs to touch him again despite the long night they had shared with each other before separating.

Kaneki watches her for a moment, but it seems like her silence gave him the answer he needed. He turns away and takes another drink. This time, he chugs the remaining liquid down, finishing it all in one go, before slamming the cup on the countertop.

“You’re still not all that grown up after all,” he muses.

“Big Brother?”

“It’s cute how lost and confused you are right now,” Kaneki chuckles. “But listen to me, Hinami, you are in love with him.”

This time, her instincts take over. “No, Big Brother, I definitely am not in love with him! Ayato isn’t even my type and I’m not really into hot guys either. The one I love is you and—” She stops, cutting herself off immediately. But it’s too late by then. She’s said it and Kaneki clearly heard it.

It’s all over now. He found out. They won’t be able to keep this relationship any longer. It’s going to be too awkward. Maybe he might even find her strange and creepy, to fall for the older brother figure in her life. Maybe he’s going to be warier around her now. Maybe he’s going to cut her off completely. She doesn’t want that— not at all.

Ayato’s already gone. She doesn’t want anyone else to leave.

She expected a weird expression on Kaneki’s face but when she gets the courage to look up at him, he only seems thoughtful. He doesn’t even look shocked. In fact, he’d seem more surprised when she said she wasn’t in love with Ayato.

“Big Brother, about that—”

“Hinami,” he cuts in, sighing softly. His voice is soft and gentle, just like the Big Brother she had always known and loved. “You’re not in love with me.”

“No, Big Brother, I was— I am. My feelings for you are real,” she says. She can’t bear to look at him. It’s too embarrassing. She’s terrified. She doesn’t know what this would mean for them. She doesn’t know how he’s going to handle it. “I know this might come as a big shock but I hope this doesn’t change anything about us. I won’t come between you and Touka or—”

“It’s not really a shock, not right now at least,” Kaneki interrupts again. “Touka had told me a while back that she suspects you liked me and well, it was a shock back then. Maybe you might have those feelings for me at one point and maybe they were real back then but I know for a fact that it’s not the case now.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Do you remember that rainy night when Ayato came over to our place? You had thought something happened to him and you came here too, right?”

Of course, she remembers that day. It was the day that changed everything.

“Yes.”

“Do you remember what happened when you entered my place?” Kaneki asks.

She takes a moment to think hard and she realises she doesn’t. She’d been a mess at that point. She was so worried that she hadn’t cared about anything but Ayato. She was trying her best to look for him. Nothing else registered in her mind except that she had to find him and she had to make sure he’s safe. She can’t remember anything, aside from finding Ayato in the living room and pulling him into a heated make-out session. She wonders if Kaneki was talking about that. He had caught them after all.

“That was… I thought he was going to do something to himself and I was worried. I lost myself in the worry and kissed him and then things started getting more heated and that’s all!” Her voice gets muffled the more she speaks. It’s too embarrassing admitting all these to Kaneki, even though she knows he saw it all.

“Not that,” Kaneki sighs with a slight annoyance lingering in his eyes. “I mean when you first stepped in. You couldn’t be bothered to give me a second glance, you were not listening to what I was saying and you pushed me away a couple of times. It’s like you were possessed or something. All the time I was holding you, you were trying to pull away from me. It’s quite hard for me to believe you’re in love with me when you acted like that.”

“I was worried, Big Brother.” She doesn’t know why she’s arguing with him. What’s the point of continuing this conversation? What does it even matter who she likes? Kaneki is married and she has no chance with him. Ayato doesn’t want her anymore— he shouldn’t.

“In my line of work, I’ve seen a lot of worried people. I can tell from your eyes. You weren’t worried about any random friend. There’s something different about him— something special,” Kaneki says.

Kaneki’s words are so cheesy and absurd. Hinami knows it must be the alcohol talking. She shouldn’t take any of this seriously. She hopes he doesn’t remember this conversation when he wakes up the next day. She knows that she’s the kind to forget whatever had happened when she’s drunk. Till now, she can’t recall the first time she slept with Ayato. He’s able to remember it so he’d told her about it, but since she can’t remember, the experience still feels foreign, like she’s watching a scene from the lenses of a third party.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she huffs. “You’re too drunk.”

“Drunk or not, I’m not blind and I wasn’t drunk then,” Kaneki argues. “Hinami, listen, when I saw you the other day, I realised that you’d do anything for him without even realising it.”

“He’s just a good friend, Big Brother. Why can’t I be this dedicated to a friend? He still is important to me,” she insists.

“Why are you so desperate not to be in love with him?” Kaneki asks, genuinely interested. He scoots closer to her and raises an eyebrow. “Won’t it be easier if you really are in love with him? That complicated and weird relationship you had won’t be complicated anymore, will it?”

She wonders why herself. She remains silent, thinking about it. She’s yet to come to an answer when she feels Kaneki shifting closer and she turns to see his face merely inches away from hers. He’s close enough for her to feel his breath on her, for her to see the minute details of his face and for her to bask in the complete attention he’s giving her. Kaneki has never looked at her like this before and he’s never been this close to her before. This is everything she’s ever wanted.

Or so she thought.

“Big Brother?”

“Can I ask you a question?” he asks slowly, voice deep as he takes his time to articulate every word. He sounds… sexy.

She forces the lump down her throat. Her palms are starting to sweat a lot. “What is it, Big Brother?”

“If I’m not married right now, what will you do?”

Her eyes go wide at this. Kaneki’s close enough for her to see herself reflected in his eyes. She looks like a total idiot-- confused and somewhat flustered. She considers his question, genuinely pondering over it. If he’s not married right now, she can do whatever she wants. If he’s not married, they won’t be cheating or betraying anyone. If he’s not married, there’s nothing stopping her from getting what she wants.

If I can’t have you, then I’ll have to live with it.

She feels suffocated. Her eyes are burning.

One day, someone amazing will come into your life. They’ll sweep you off your feet and they’ll love you deeply as well.

She feels like crying.

That person will make you forget all about Kaneki.

Her stomach churns. She feels like throwing up.

When they come, trust me, you will be happy and you’ll never be alone again.

This is everything she ever wanted, right? Even as she keeps reciting it in her head, it hurts all over. Her hand moves to her chest, clutching her top.

So even if it might be hard, you have to stay strong and wait till that person comes, okay?

She made a promise to him.

Ayato…

“No, I--”

Kaneki looks away and she stops. He raises his head. His face lights up, as if he recognises someone from behind her. “Oh, Ayato?”

Hinami freezes. He’s right behind her. God knows how long he’s been there. Kaneki had been watching her. He wouldn’t have noticed it either if Ayato had been there earlier on. He might have seen them; he might have seen them being so close. She can’t even start to imagine how it’ll feel for him to see her and Kaneki sitting this close, looking into each other’s eyes. He might get the wrong idea.

He might think something is going on.

She doesn’t want him to think that way at all.

“Ayato! This isn’t what it looks like!” She’s up on her feet, screaming as she turns around. Only, she doesn’t see Ayato. The only person before her is the old man sitting a few seats down, who’s too drunk to pay any mind to her, and Itori who was serving him. Itori looks over at her and raises an eyebrow and Hinami turns away immediately, glaring at Kaneki. Her heart is still racing in her chest. She’s breathing hard. Sitting in silence now, Hinami realises just how unsettled she had gotten from that small incident. Kaneki, on the other hand, is sitting upright and watching her with a victorious expression.

“Big Brother, what was that?” she hisses.

“You got really worked up over him,” Kaneki muses.

“I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea! What if he tells Touka about it?” Hinami cries out. Kaneki raises his eyebrow at her in complete disbelief and he’s right to feel that way, she supposes. Touka hadn’t crossed her mind at all. It wasn’t the thought of Touka that had prompted her to say something. It was the thought of Ayato seeing them and getting the wrong idea. Somehow, for some reason, Hinami hadn’t wanted Ayato to think that there’s something going on between her and Kaneki.

What is this feeling?

“Well whatever you say,” Kaneki sighs. He gets up, slamming a couple of notes onto the countertop. “I should go home now. Touka would probably still be up waiting for me.”

He sways as he walks and Hinami knows that she really shouldn’t let him go off on his own, even if he isn’t driving. She gets up and follows after him.

“I’m coming with you. I’ll send you home,” she says.

“All the way home?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah but he is--” Kaneki pauses, frowning for a moment before he smiles and nods. “Okay. Thanks, Hinami!”

“This is boring,” Ayato says, amidst his yawn. Beside him, Touka nods in agreement. Despite their boredom though, both siblings continue to watch the action movie playing on the tv. Ayato has no idea what’s going on anymore. The plot was lost to him halfway through the movie. The actors and actresses are pretty good looking but there’s only so long before he starts losing interest in watching hot people do the same stunts over and over again. His mouth itches for a stick but he’s made a promise to himself not to smoke in Touka’s house. “Sis, why aren’t we in bed again?”

“You can go to sleep if you want to. I’m waiting for Kaneki. I have no idea what that idiot is up to so late in the day,” Touka says flatly, eyes still glued to the screen. Even though she’s looking in the direction of the television, she looks preoccupied. Something must be bothering her.

“What’s so special about the gem they’re protecting, again?” he asks.

Touka shrugs. “I don’t know. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Then what were you doing?”

“I was thinking about stuff,” Touka admits.

“Stuff?”

“You, mainly.” He looks over at her. Even though she had started talking about him, she’s still not looking at him. The two of them are silent for a short moment before Touka sighs and slumps further in her seat. “How are you doing?”

He knows where this is going the moment she asks him that question but he chooses to feign innocence. “I’m fine.”

“I find that hard to believe when you keep coming here to sleep over almost every night,” Touka points out.

“You want me to come home more, don’t you?”

“I do and I’m really glad you do come back frequently,” Touka says, though her voice betrays her bitterness. She turns and looks at him, frowning. “Why don’t you just move back in here then? You’re wasting money on rent.”

“Not a chance,” he scoffs.

“Why?”

“Why? Because…” Ayato pauses. He had immediately discarded the idea of moving in; it had been almost instinctive. It would be financially easier on him if he simply moved back home. He and Touka aren’t on bad terms anymore so there’s nothing keeping him apart. He had broken up with Oohashi and she had left the place, which meant he’s just alone in there. Hinami and him are supposed to remain as friends, but she still keeps her distance from him. She’s not living with him anymore.

But what if she comes back?

He brings his knees up onto the couch and hugs them tightly, eyes returning to the tv screen. There’s nothing going on much in the film now. The main characters are having a heated, intimate moment after narrowly escaping danger with their lives— a very generic and boring scene.

“I need space for my fishes,” he says flatly after a long time of silence. Touka’s sigh comes immediately. Glancing at her from the corner of his eyes, she sees her shaking his head.

“There’s enough space here for your fish tanks,” Touka says.

“Fine. I can’t smoke in here with Ichika around,” he snaps.

Touka frowns. “Then you can just drop the habit entirely.”

“Never happening.”

“You could do it outside the house. No one would have a problem with that,” Touka points out. He falls silent again, trying to think up another excuse. When he’s silent, Touka smirks and continues, “You worried that you won’t have the privacy to bring girls home or something?”

“No,” Ayato snorts. “I don’t even bring any home.”

“Sure you don’t.” Touka doesn’t sound like she believes him and she would be right on that aspect. He does bring girls home, but it’s never a frequent thing. Aside from Hinami, there were only two others times this year and they were with the same girl, whom he’s very sure isn’t going to appear before him anymore.

“Maybe I should consider moving,” he relents. Maybe it’s for the best.

“What if Hinami comes back then? You gonna ask her to live here too?”

He tries his best not to react much, but his body language must have given more away than he intended it to. When he turns to Touka, she’s smirking at him victoriously. He can’t help the way his throat tightens up or the way his heartbeat picks up when she mentioned Hinami. He doesn’t have an idea what kind of expression he has on right now. But even without him saying anything, Touka has it all figured out.

He could really use a stick now.

“She won’t come back,” he says. She shouldn’t. He shouldn’t let her.

“You sound really disappointed,” Touka chuckles. “I didn’t tell you about this at all but a while back, I met Hinami. We talked a lot. I got to know her better.”

“I know. She told me.”

“She did? I thought you guys weren’t talking anymore.”

“I met her the day after to pass some of her work to her. We talked a bit,” he recounts. “Hinami told me that you told her everything, even the things I don’t want her knowing. Why did you do that?”

“I wanted her to know. It isn’t fair that she only knows half the story,” Touka says it frankly. He knows from her tone that no matter what he tries to say or do, Touka won’t change her mind. To her, this is the right thing.

“She got hurt by it.”

“Knowing that we were hiding stuff from her also hurts her. At least with this information, she’s given the chance to come to terms with it herself and move on afterwards.”

“I hope she gets over it quickly,” he murmurs. “I don’t want her being held back by this.”

“Really? You don’t want it at all?” Touka snickers. “The thought doesn’t appeal to you at all? Hinami thinking about you every day, every moment of her life? Don’t you want to be that important to her as well? Oh, you’re turning red.”

His cheeks are burning indeed. He feels terrible about it but Touka isn’t completely wrong. It never used to matter to him what kind of relationship they had as long as he could be close to her. Maybe he really was acting selfishly all along. Sometimes he finds himself wondering: was everything really about making her feel better or was it about making himself feel better? What does it matter how she feels if he could sleep with her? He can’t be her boyfriend but he had her in bed, he was her first and he was the one she’s only ever been with for now. Hinami’s a popular girl and a lot of guys would die for the chance to do anything with her; but it’s only Ayato who’s been able to touch her, kiss her and fuck her almost every night when they were together. It was a good arrangement for him. He had nothing to lose.

No.

He shakes his head. No. That isn’t it. That’s never been it. He doesn’t want to think that way, not even to comfort himself.

He doesn’t care about those other guys. It wasn’t supposed to be about him. It was supposed to be about her. It was supposed to be about making her feel better. Just thinking about all this is making him feel really sick. It’s too tiring to think about it. He doesn’t have the energy to do it. Maybe if he could smoke something now it would be good. Perhaps he should head back to his apartment that night instead of staying here. Touka might be fine with him smoking on the porch, but he doesn’t have any cigarettes with him. He had made a vow to himself that Ichika should never see him with them. He doesn’t even know why he did that. Pretend as he might, the fact still remains that he’s probably the worst person she’s associated with right now.

“Ayato.” He turns to his sister when he hears her voice. Touka isn’t smiling anymore. Her face is more serious now. Her brows are furrowed. She’s leaning towards him a little. “Hey, I was just teasing you. Ayato? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” It’s obvious from his tone that it’s a lie but Ayato couldn’t care much about it. He’s with Touka. He has nothing to hide from her.

“You know, I’m actually glad I had that talk with Hinami,” Touka admits with a sigh. She scoots over to him so they’re now seated beside each other, arms touching. “We talked about a lot things. She told me stuff about you I didn’t know as well.”

“Like what?” Ayato can’t think of something about him that Hinami would know which Touka didn’t. Hinami doesn’t know anything about him. He’s never told her anything about himself. He never wanted to worry her with his problems, especially when she has her own issues to deal with.

“You know, about Dad.” Touka’s a little hesitant as she speaks. Their father is still a sore topic. Even when they had made up, she hadn’t brought it up and neither did Ayato. He was the reason they both fell out completely in the first place. As much as he hadn’t confessed out loud, Ayato is happy to be reunited with his family. He doesn’t want them to fight again. Bringing up their father was too much of a risk. But here Touka is mentioning him. Ayato isn’t sure if he should keep the conversation going or end it before things got bad. Touka doesn’t end up giving him a choice though. She simply continues talking. “It feels a little weird saying this but, I always thought it was my fault, you know. If I hadn’t told him about your accident, maybe he’d still be here. If I hadn’t said it over the phone, maybe it wouldn’t have been that big of a shock. Maybe I could have done things differently. If I hadn’t fallen for Kaneki—”

“Don’t,” he cuts in. “None of those are your fault, especially not the last one. Kaneki is… good for you.”

He sees a small smile surfacing on her face. “Yes, he really is good for me. He’s so important to me, you know? I’m happy I met him. I’m happy to be married to him. I can never ask for a better husband. But when I’m missing Dad I sometimes find myself wondering if he’d still be around had Kaneki and I not gotten together. If Kaneki wasn’t there with us, the accident wouldn’t have happened. Dad wouldn’t be dead. Maybe… I should have gone there myself, without bothering Kaneki. Or if I hadn’t only thought about myself. Or—”

“If I hadn’t gotten into a fight with those boys, you wouldn’t have had to come to fetch me. If I hadn’t been an asshole and picked a fight with Kaneki, he wouldn’t have pushed me. In the first place, if I hadn’t caused Dad so much stress in the beginning, his health might have been better. There are so many reasons all those things happened, Sis, and when you look at the chain of events, there’s nothing suggesting that you were the cause of it,” he says.

“So Hinami was right,” Touka murmurs. “You do blame yourself for it.”

It sounds pathetic when Touka says it like that. Ayato scowls and turns away from her. “It’s not that. I don’t blame myself at all. I’m just saying that if you want to find the cause of the accident, it’ll be me so you don’t have anything to blame yourself for.”

“It’s not your fault, Ayato.”

“It’s not yours, Touka.”

Touka laughs a little. It’s easy for them to say such things. Telling the other that they’re not at fault isn’t hard at all. But admitting that they themselves hadn’t done anything wrong would be harder, especially after three years of punishing themselves for it. It’s been a while since their father had died, but neither had moved on from this tragedy, simply clinging onto whoever they had left by their sides after it all went downhill— Touka to Kaneki; him to Hinami. They hadn’t had each other when they needed each other the most. But now, maybe they could make amends.

“I hadn’t been to Dad’s grave since the time you brought me after I got discharged from the hospital,” Ayato admits.

“I go there every Sunday,” Touka says.

“Then, is it okay if I come along as well?”

Touka smiles again. “Sure. I’ll be happy to have some company.”

He’s on the verge of dozing off when he hears the doorbell. Touka gets up and starts heading over. It’s probably Kaneki. She had been up waiting for him anyway. Touka hadn’t said anything about it but Ayato could tell that it’s gotten late enough that she was starting to worry about him.

Ayato picks up the remote control and starts changing the channels. There’s really nothing on the tv. Everything is such a bore. He hears voices in the background but he doesn’t pay much attention to it. Touka seems to be annoyed with something. Kaneki must have been out doing something stupid and Touka probably feels stupid for worrying about him. The thought puts a small smirk on his face.

And then he freezes, right as he hears a familiar voice.

Ayato’s throat clenches up. He’s staring right at the tv but nothing on it seems to register in his mind. He’s too focused on that voice— Hinami’s voice. Why is she here? Why is she coming back with Kaneki? What were the two of them up to so late in the night? His mind jumps straight into the worst possible solutions, images that make him want to throw up surfacing in his mind.

No. Kaneki would never do that. He’s too loyal to Touka for anything to happen. He might not get along with his brother-in-law, but Ayato knows that he can at least trust Kaneki when it comes to this.

He hears footsteps and he gets up, walking forward a little. He stops the moment Touka and Kaneki come into sight.

“I don’t know why I wait up for you sometimes,” Touka scoffs, marching on ahead as Kaneki trails after behind her.

“I’m sorry, Touka. Listen to me. I promise you I wasn’t out drinking! I went to see Miss Itori for some information and she offered me some drinks and that’s about it.”

Their petty argument over that continues as Touka heads towards her bedroom and Kaneki follows after her. He can’t hear them the moment the door slams shut but he’s sure that they’ll make up in a matter of minutes like they always do. Kaneki and Touka argue over the silliest of things, but he supposes that is what makes them such a good couple in the first place. No matter what the argument is, Ayato knows that they will never fall apart and they know that too.

“A-Ayato?” He hears that voice again, this time in a loud, sharp gasp.

Here he goes. He turns his head towards it and she comes into view. Hinami is staring at him in disbelief. Her fists clench harder around the strap of her small bag. She looks so pale-- like she’s seen a ghost.

“Hinami,” he greets. He tries to keep his voice as steady as possible but he still sounds like he’s gotten pins in his throat. He wants to pretend he doesn’t care about her— he shouldn’t anymore— but just seeing her face is enough to send him spiralling down into the depths.

He’s really a hopeless case, huh?

Hinami stares at him for a couple of heartbeats, before her eyes widen and she turns away. Her face reddens. “W-what are you doing here?” she asks quickly.

What a ridiculous question. This is his sister’s place. This is his home. There’s nothing weird about him being here. It’s weird that she’s here. But instead of pointing that out, he simply shrugs. “I wanted to see my niece so I decided to come over and it got late so I’m staying the night.” That’s a lie. But there’s no way he’s going to admit to Hinami that he couldn’t bear staying in a place that reminded him so much of her, that he felt it would be easier to get over her if he surrounded himself with other people rather than live in silence with nothing but cigarettes and alcohol to distract him from his own thoughts and memories.

“I see,” she murmurs. She fiddles with her bag, still refusing to look at him. Her hair falls forward and he can’t see her face any longer. He can’t tell if she’s still blushing. Probably not. Even if she is, he shouldn’t think too much about it. She’s likely just embarrassed. Nothing more.

“What are you doing here?” he asks. He’s stupid. He doesn’t know why he’s continuing the conversation. He shouldn’t do this. He should just walk away right now and pretend she isn’t here.

“Big Brother was drunk so I thought it would be better if I escorted him back home,” she admits.

“Oh, so you were with Kaneki all the while, huh?”

Hinami stiffens and she turns to him immediately, her fingers grasping her bag strap so hard that her knuckles are turning white. Her face is completely red and her eyes are wide and teary. “Nothing happened between us I swear!”

Her outburst is so sudden that even Ayato is taken aback for a moment. Hinami looks so flustered; she turns away the moment she realises her words. He doesn’t think her face can get any redder but it does. This is starting to get really weird. She’s never blushed this hard before, not even when they were having sex.

He stops himself there. That’s the last thing he needs right now. Picturing Hinami in bed isn’t going to get him anywhere good. What he needs to do now is to leave her, go to his room and get to bed. He’s right about to leave when Touka returns, sighing as she rubs the back of her neck.

“What a pain… I’m sorry about the bother, Hinami. Thank you for accompanying him back,” Touka sighs.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Hinami admits softly. “He was drinking so I got too worried about leaving him alone.”

“Yeah. I don’t think he’s that drunk but you can never be too safe. People do stupid things when they’re drunk after all,” Touka laughs a little.

“I-I know. That’s why I followed him back,” she whimpers. Her body’s stiffer again and Ayato knows exactly what she’s thinking about right now. God, if he hadn’t been an idiot that night and gave in to her, all this wouldn’t have happened. They’d still be just friends. His feelings for her would just be a simple one-sided attraction instead of the mess that it is right now. There would be nothing stopping him from being by her side. There are so many things that went wrong because of that one night. Touka is right; people do stupid things when they’re drunk.

“I’m going back now,” Hinami says. “It’s good to see you, Big Sister.”

Big Sister? When did Hinami and Touka get that close? Ayato turns to Touka, hoping for some answers, but Touka’s attention is still fixed on Hinami. She’s frowning right now. Touka glances at the clock on the wall and then back to Hinami.

“It’s too late for you to be walking back by yourself,” Touka argues. “Stay the night.”

Hinami’s eyes widen. There’s no hiding that the suggestion horrified her. “No, it’s fine. I don’t want to impose!”

There’s also no hiding that she glanced at him when she spoke. Though she really had nothing to worry about. If she does take up the suggestion, he’d leave for his apartment on the pretence that he has something urgent to tend to.

“You’re not imposing. We don’t have extra rooms so you can easily just sleep in Ichika’s room. I could get a futon out for you. It’s not that hard,” Touka says.

Hinami glances at Ayato again before she shakes her head. It’s either she’s not bothering to be inconspicuous and wants him to know how uncomfortable he’s making her feel or she’s too flustered that she’s doing it subconsciously. At this point, Ayato doesn’t even know which one he prefers.

“It’s fine. I really should be getting back to my dorm before it closes,” she says.

“Oh, is that the case?” Touka murmurs thoughtfully.

Ayato glances at the clock. Hinami is lying. Her dorm had closed hours ago. He really ought to point that out. But if he does, Touka might force Hinami to stay here. The streets aren’t that dangerous right? He’s been out there at this hour before. It’s not like he’s gotten killed or anything before. But Hinami’s a girl— a really pretty girl at that. There’s no way it will be safe for her. It would take just one creep and god knows what could happen to her. Ayato doesn’t know what to do. He wants her to be safe of course. But they had promised not to get involved with each other anymore, hadn’t they? He can tell Hinami glanced at him again and he knows that she saw him looking at the clock. She knows full well that he had noticed what’s going on. She’s probably waiting for a reaction from him as well.

What would she think if he said nothing? Would it hurt her if he doesn’t care?

It doesn’t matter either way. Touka continues talking before he’s able to say anything.

“Well, then, I guess I’ll see you soon?” Touka says, smiling a little. She pulls Hinami into a brief hug, but as she pulls away, she pauses and turns to look at Ayato. “Actually, since you’re here, why don’t you walk her back?”

“What? No! That’s fine!” Hinami cries out before Ayato could even finish processing what his sister had just said. “I’ll be okay. I’ll get home myself. It’s fine. The streets are safe. I won’t walk into dark alleys—”

“Bullshit,” Touka cuts in. “Anyway, it’s better to be safe than sorry, right?”

He wants to scream at Touka. She’s the one who told them to part ways in the first place. But he knows that Touka is right. He’s never going to forgive himself if something ever happens to her because he has too much pride to forget a stupid agreement and walk her home.

“No, it’s okay! I’m fine by myself.”

“That’s stupid. I can’t leave you on your own out there.”

Hinami is still trying to turn the suggestion down, pushing Touka away and shaking her head while Touka keeps forcing the idea. It looks like neither of them are going to back down.

“The streets are safe!”

“Hinami,” he sighs. Hinami freezes but she doesn’t turn to him. “It’s fine. I don’t mind walking you back.”

“I don’t think…” she trails off, shaking her head while still fiddling with the strap of her bag. If she really doesn’t want it, he supposes he can’t force her. He’s right about to give up when he catches Touka’s eyes. His sister is staring at him demandingly and he knows Touka isn’t going to give either of them an option. Ayato sighs and walks forward, taking Hinami’s hand and tugging her towards the door. “Come on, let’s go.”

“I really don’t need you to—”

“Shut up.”

Ayato doesn’t let go of her hand even when he’s pulling her out. Hinami doesn’t know if he’s doing it knowingly or if he simply just forgot to let go. She supposes it’s the latter. He doesn’t look too pleased about being out with her right now. He’s only here because Touka didn’t give him a choice. The atmosphere around them is already awkward enough. Knowing that he doesn’t want to be here just makes it worse, especially when her mind is still reeling from her conversation with Kaneki.

Are you sure you’re not in love with him?

Her heart is going to leap out of her chest simply thinking about it. She dares herself to look up, staring ahead at Ayato’s back. She doesn’t want to even consider the thought that she might be in love with him and that too, at such a point in time. How would Ayato even react if— hypothetically speaking— she suddenly confesses to him right now? Would he be happy? Would he get angry? Would he tell her she’s too late? Maybe if she’s lucky, he might just forget everything and they would be able to get together and become a happy couple. Everything would be good.

But even that is just a fantasy, she supposes.

She remembers seeing him glance at the clock and yet remain silent back at Touka’s place just now. He hadn’t wanted to walk her back. He knew that she was lying about her dorm being open right now. It didn’t seem to matter to him as much as it mattered to Touka that she was going to walk home alone. Hinami herself hadn’t wanted him to come, but she feels a sting deep down realising that it didn’t matter to him if anything happened to her.

“Where are you going to go now?” he asks. Ayato breaks the silence so suddenly that she almost jumps. She looks away from his head, dropping her eyes, only for her gaze to fall to their connected hands. He’s still holding her. They’ve never held hands outside before, except for that one time when they met Touka and Kaneki and Ayato had wanted to get away from there quickly. Thinking about it, didn’t she get upset on that day? They had a big fight and she had thought he was only using her.

Every time you looked at me like that, it felt like I fell in love with you all over again.

Will he still feel that way, she wonders, if she looks at him like that again?

“Back to the dorms,” she replies.

“The dorms, huh?” he sighs. He stops and it’s too sudden for her to keep up without running into him. She moves away quickly but it’s not like she can move too far from him with him still holding her hand. Does he not notice?

“Yes, the dorms.”

He turns to her with a raised eyebrow, their eyes meeting. “It’s closed now isn’t it?”

“I’ll climb over the gates,” she says as an excuse— anything to just get him to start walking or to turn away again. She can’t keep staring at his eyes like that, not with Kaneki’s words still playing in her mind. Are you sure you’re not in love with him? Are you sure you’re not in love with him? Are you sure—

“In that?” he laughs out.

She hadn’t thought much about her outfit but she looks down and regrets it immediately. There’s no way she’ll be able to climb over the gates in a tight pencil skirt without tearing it or lifting up far too much. But the only other option she has right now is to go back with him. If it has to come to this, she supposes she could do with one less skirt.

“Don’t underestimate me,” she scoffs instead.

He blinks and then smirks. “Oh, I know better than to underestimate you, Hinami.”

She’d have given him a light punch for that had it been some other time but right now, all she can do is stare at him in silence. The smirk fades from his lips and his eyes drop to their hands. He smiles slightly— weakly— and releases her. He slides his hands into his pockets and turns around, continuing to walk as if nothing had happened. They hadn’t been holding hands. They hadn’t talked. Nothing.

If there’s anything that she picked up about him the past two months, it’s that Ayato is very capable of pretending that everything is alright with him even if his world is in shambles. She’d been with him for two years and never once had she ever guessed all that he was harbouring from her. Even till now, he’s never going to be honest about anything.

“Ayato,” she calls out. He stops and looks over his shoulders. He doesn’t say anything, simply waiting for her to instead. It feels like she has a lot of things to say to him, but now that he’s standing there waiting for her to say something, she realises that she has nothing to say to him. She can ask him a lot of things she supposes but she already knows all the answers to them. The only answers she doesn’t have are to the questions she has to ask herself. Why did she get so upset that day at the alley? Why had his disappearance that night worry her so much? Why did their separation change her life so much? What exactly does she want from him?

“What is it?” he grumbles after a moment of silence. Hinami shakes her head and he frowns. “Then let’s go—” Ayato stops talking, looking up to the sky. She could feel it too.

It starts as soft pats on her face and arms. But in a mere matter of seconds, it starts coming down harder and harder, until she can barely see what’s in front of her. Her hair and clothes are plastered against her skin. She’s soaked and it’s freezing. The rain had been sudden but it didn’t come with a surprise. The weather had been pretty overcast that day. In front of her, Ayato squints as he walks towards her, grabbing her wrist to start pulling her along again, this time into a run.

“We need to get to shelter!” he shouts, trying his best to be loud enough for her to hear him. Even then, she can barely hear him over the rain. “There’s no time to get the dorms. Let’s go back home.”`

“No!” she cries out. He ignores her, trying to pull her back down the direction they had come from, but Hinami tries her best to struggle against it. It’s too weird being in the same place as both Kaneki and Ayato. She’d get no sleep the whole night and her heart would probably never calm down. She’s still thinking about that conversation. “I’m going back to the dorms.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” He stops trying to pull her, turning to glare at her. “We’d get sick.”

“I don’t want to go back there,” Hinami insists.

“Why not?”

“Because I just don’t want to!”

“Something happened between you and Kaneki just now, didn’t it?” Ayato snorts. She thinks he’s smirking. She can’t see his face clearly amidst the rain while she’s squinting her eyes, but she hears the victorious haughtiness in his voice. “Fine then. Let’s go to my place.”

“No!” Her cry comes out faster than she had meant it to, almost as if it was an instinctive response to his suggestion. But Ayato’s place is definitely a worse idea. Not only will she go crazy thinking about everything that had happened, Hinami doesn’t trust herself alone with him anymore, definitely not after what happened in her dorm room. They’re not supposed to be doing anything, she reminds herself, but she also knows that the both of them have terrible self-control.

“What now?” Ayato yells. “The dorm’s way too far, Hinami, and there’s no way you’re climbing up the gates in this rain. You’re going to get hurt.”

“You’re exaggerating,” Hinami argues back. She can tell that Ayato’s right on the verge of losing his shit and she can’t blame him. He didn’t even want to accompany her here. He got forced to then and now he’s caught in insanely heavy rain with her out of all people. “Look, you can go back first. I’ll be fine by myself.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m serious— Ah!” She’s cut off as he pulls her closer to him and lifts her up. It takes a moment for her to realise that he’s carrying her and that she’s pressed against him, with his hands on her waist. She feels herself stiffen, everything freezing around her. She’s too close to him. They hadn’t been this close in so long. He hadn’t touched her in so long. Even though she has her clothes, her body prickles at his touch. By the time she snaps out of her slight trance, he’s already thrown her over his shoulder and is walking off in the direction of his apartment.

“Hey! Put me down!” she screams.

“Shut up. People are going to get the wrong idea about this if you keep struggling,” he growls.

“Let me go!” Her voice gets shriller but it doesn’t make much of a difference as the rain gets louder and heavier. She’s way too soaked and cold to put up a decent fight against Ayato, but she has no plans on giving up. She doesn’t want to go back to his apartment. It’s loaded far too much with her memories of him. She doesn’t trust herself to be swayed by them and to give in to whatever drives her at that point in time. It’ll be a miracle if she can get through an hour without either pulling him to his bed or being pulled to his bed.

He reaches his apartment complex in less than half the time it would take them to get to the dorms. Even when they’re under shelter, he doesn’t put her down, ignoring her screaming and cursing. People definitely will get the wrong idea and if any of his neighbours happen to open their door right now, it’ll probably land both of them in hot water. But Hinami can’t be bothered about that right now. She just wants to do whatever she can to stop herself from entering the place.

“Ayato, please wait—” She’s cut off as he lifts her off his shoulder and pushes her against the door. He’s still holding her off the ground. Back pressed to the door, she’s staring straight ahead, at him. Their faces are levelled and close, less than an inch apart even.

He furrows his brows and speaks in a soft whisper. “If you’re uncomfortable with it, I don’t mind going back to my sister’s place.”

“What? In that rain? No,” she grumbles. “If you’re going to run back through the rain, I might as well do the same and return to my dorm.”

“I’ll come in my apartment, change and leave. I have umbrellas. It will be fine. I won’t get caught in the rain on my way back,” he says.

Being alone in his place doesn’t sit well with her either but it is a better option than being with him in there. Maybe she’d find some time to think through everything that’s going on right now. Maybe being in his apartment might actually help. She’ll also get to save her skirt.

“Fine,” she relents. “But you promise you would leave, right?”

“If that’s what you want,” he murmurs. Just like that, he releases her. As Ayato unlocks the door, she waits slightly behind him, trying to calm herself down and even her breathing out. It’s easier to breathe now that he’s not touching her but she realises something else she hadn’t notice immediately when she was so close to him.

His breath started smelling like smoke again. She had paid not much mind to it a month ago when they slept together, being so overwhelmed by everything else that she hadn’t put time and effort into thinking about it. But it’s worse now. He must have started smoking more this month. Simply entering his apartment is enough to tell her that. The smell is almost suffocating.

“God, how much did you smoke in here?” she complains the moment he shuts the door.

She sees a flash of panic in his eyes before he pushes past her to enter the kitchen. “Not much. I didn’t open my windows so the smoke must have stayed too long in here. I have some air freshener somewhere.”

It’s a stupid excuse. She knows he’s been smoking a lot and the number of empty beer cans she sees on the kitchen counter and the table in the living room doesn’t help his claim. He always smokes when he drinks.

“I thought you promised to stop,” she says when he comes out of the kitchen. He’s silent for a moment, placing the can of air freshener on the table before proceeding to pick up his empty beer cans.

Eventually, he says softly as he picks up the last can, “You promised to kiss me whenever I needed a stick.”

He’s right. That was the promise. But she can’t kiss him when they’re apart. He must have fallen back to his old habits when they parted. She knows it’s not her job to babysit him and lecture him over things like that. He should take care of himself on his own. He’s not a kid anymore and even if he is, he’s still not her responsibility. But she does wonder why every single one of his coping mechanisms had to somehow be harmful in one way or another. If he’s not kissing and sleeping with the girl he loves who doesn’t love him back, he’s smoking and drinking himself possibly to death.

But that’s his problem and she knows she has to leave it to him to deal with him. She drops the subject there as Ayato turns to his room. Hinami wonders if she should follow him. She could always use the bathroom in the living room if he’s using the one in the bedroom. She opts to follow him nevertheless, entering the bedroom behind him. Lightning flashes in the distance, followed by the loud, sudden rumbling of thunder. The rain is getting heavier. Hinami wonders if it’s really a good idea for Ayato to leave now.

“I have extra towels here and clothes. I don’t have your clothes anymore so you can borrow mine if you want,” he says, opening his closet.

“What about you?” she asks.

“I’ll leave after I get changed,” he replies. He reaches into the closet and pulls out a towel, holding it out to her.

“Aren’t you going to take a shower as well?”

“Nah. I’ll just head home instead.”

Hinami nods, walking over and taking the towel from him. She doesn’t look at him, simply walking to the bathroom before closing it instead. She stands still for a long moment, back to the shower, face to the mirror. She’s stood here many times before during happy times and sad times as well. This bathroom itself holds a particular memory. She still can’t tell if it’s good or bad— that moment when things started to slowly change, initially for the better and then, for the worse. She probably didn’t realise back then how much of a false hope she was giving him. She had been sincere. She seriously wants to try. But maybe they were really not meant to be and there’s nothing she can do about that.

You are in love with him.

She chokes and shakes her head. She shouldn’t let those ideas get into her head. She just needs to focus on what she has to do now-- her shower. Besides, Ayato would be leaving anyway. She shouldn’t worry about him.

Her shower is faster than usual. She tries not to think about it but she continues remembering their moments in there-- her promising him that she’d give him a chance, him taking care of her after what happened in the alley. They were very different memories, but both make her heart ache. The relationship with him that she had held so dear has come to an end. It feels like there’s an evil being beside her right now, continuously whispering and reminding her of the times, tempting her to give in and run back to him, to fool him into thinking that she’s giving him what he wants.

Tell him.

If she tells him she loves him, maybe he will let her stay.

Lie to him.

But is it truly a lie now? Kaneki surfaces, reminding her once again what he thinks. Her mind is like a courtroom, both Kaneki and her throwing out their opinions, arguing over everything that’s going on. But nothing gets resolved and thinking too much only gives her a headache. She needs to leave-- not just the bathroom, but his apartment too.

There’s nothing she can do about the clothes. Hers are still too wet to wear. She supposes she can leave them in the laundry basket for now. Since she’s taking some of his anyway, she could always take them back from him when she goes to return his clothes to him. She picks out a sweater from the closet which he had once complained to her over how oversized it was. When she puts it on, it’s as good as a dress and she didn’t have to worry about showing anything she didn’t want to like the previous time she had dashed out of Ayato’s apartment on a rainy night while wearing his clothes. Holding her bag tightly in her hands, she starts to walk out, only to stop when she’s in front of the door, right at the entrance of the kitchen. The stench of smoke was too overbearing. She knows it’s new.

Entering the kitchen gives her answers immediately. Ayato is still there. It doesn’t seem like he had expected her to show up so quickly. Sitting on the floor, with a stick in his mouth and two other buds on the floor beside him, he looks up at her with wide eyes.

“Hinami? Wait, what are you doing here?” he asks.

She’s tired of this. Even though she knows it’s not her business, she knows that she can’t just leave this be.

“Stop it,” she says.

“Stop what?” He knows damn well what she’s talking about. She can tell he’s faking it.

“Stop smoking,” she snaps.

“It’s too rainy outside. I can’t smoke there,” he says. “It shouldn’t bother you in the bedroom if I smoke here in the kitchen. Not unless you stupidly decide to show up here anyway. What are you doing here?”

She ignores his question. She can’t tell him that she’s planning to leave. “Why are you still here?” She sounds so haughty and she hates herself for it. She’s in his apartment. She has no rights to chase him out.

“I was going to leave after… this.”

“After that stick?” she asks.

Ayato hesitates before answering. He clears his throat. “No. After this box.”

That did it; it’s way too much. She drops to her knees and pulls the cigarette out of his mouth before flicking it to the floor. Ayato scowls at her and reaches for it, but Hinami manages to kick it away in time, barely avoiding getting the soles of her feet burnt in the process. Ayato seems annoyed but he makes no effort to take that particular stick. He does have a box, she remembers. Ayato tries to push her away, probably to get up and leave so he can smoke the rest of his box in peace since she knows she’s making it obvious that she isn’t letting him smoke anymore. The box is in his hands and she tries her best to take it away from him. But Ayato is so much stronger than she is and it’s barely a hard task for him to overpower her physically. The scuffle ends with him pinning her down on the floor, pressing her hands down at the sides of her head. Their faces are so close, him still glaring at her while breathing hard.

“Your breath stinks,” she snaps at him.

“Why does that matter to you?” he yells. “Just leave me alone already. Let me do what I want. I have no business listening to you when we’re not doing it anymore.”

“So you stopped smoking just to have sex with me, is that it?” she challenges and Ayato grits his teeth in response, the hesitation evident in his eyes.

“Yeah. Yeah, I did that. I did so many things so I could fuck the girl I like. You’d do the same with Kaneki, won’t you?”

Again.

“Why do you keep bringing him up every time?” Hinami feels like crying, though she knows she’s not sad. She feels angrier right now. It feels like she isn’t the only one who’s holding them back from moving on with this relationship. Nothing is going to come out of it if Ayato doesn’t change as well. She might fall heads over heels in love with him but as long as Ayato is convinced that he’s a mere replacement, they will never find satisfaction with what they have.

And maybe, that really was the case. Maybe they really are in love with each other. Maybe there isn’t a complication at all. Maybe it’s just them, them being so convinced that this relationship was messed up that it clouded their eyes to the realities of him; her being so obsessed with the idea of being in love with Kaneki that she fails to see that she’s long moved on from it and that she’s found someone else. Ayato was right, perhaps. Someone really did come and sweep her off her feet.

“What else is there to talk about?” Ayato shouts back. “It’s always been about Kaneki and it’s always going to be about Kaneki, both here and back home. I’m never going to be free of it, am I? Everything I care about, everything I want-- he’s going to take it. He has it all and I’m left in the dumps with nothing.”

“Your smoking has nothing to do with Kaneki--”

“You shut up! You know it damn well has to do with Kaneki. He’s the reason everything fucked up in the first place!” Ayato continues, cutting into her. “This relationship has never been about the two of us at all. It was always about him.”

Even when he’s yelling at the top of his lungs, she can see just how miserable he is. Hinami doesn’t know what she can do to convince him of anything right now. He seems so staunch in his beliefs. It’s as if he’s recited all these things to himself over and over again that he genuinely believes in them-- Kaneki is the reason everything went wrong, Kaneki took Touka and Hinami away from him, they will never love him, she will never love him. But he’s wrong. She knows he’s wrong but she doesn’t know how to tell him otherwise.

But listen to me, Hinami, you are in love with him.

She needs to let him know, but how does she convince him of it even when she’s questioning it herself?

They fall silent and Ayato’s hold on her weakens, before he moves his hands away, releasing her and resting his palms against the floor. His body is heaving and his head hangs forward. She can’t see the expression he has on his face right now but she can imagine how anguished it must be right now. She can’t think of anything else to do, except to each forward, wind her arms around his trembling frame. Sitting up, she pulls him to her, resting his head against her shoulder and stroking his hair gently.

“You’re wrong, Ayato,” she murmurs. “Kaneki didn’t do anything to you.”

“Except push me in front of a truck,” he says immediately.

“He didn’t steal Touka or me away from you, Ayato. We’re here.”

Ayato’s silent for a long moment before he relaxes in her arms. “I know,” he says slowly after a while. “I know it’s not his fault but it’s not fair. I know I stand no chance and I told myself-- I keep telling myself that-- but… I… I don’t know. Kaneki is so good to my sister. He’s so kind and caring to you too. He’s never actually done anything to hurt me aside from one accident and even though we don’t really get along, I knew he’d help me out if I ever need anything.”

“It’s going to be okay, Ayato,” she says softly. She pushes him away slightly, just so she can cup his face and stare into his eyes. “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not.” He furrows his brows as he speaks. He sighs and closes his eyes. “It’s not going to be okay, Hinami. This is all I’m going to have.”

“That’s not true,” she argues. “I’m sure it’ll get better.”

“It won’t. I know it won’t,” he whispers.

If there’s any time for her to say it, she supposes she should say it now. “Ayato, if I say something now, will you promise to take it seriously?”

He shrugs. “I don’t think there’s anything I won’t if it’s from you.”

“If… I say I love you, how will you react?” she murmurs.

He shrugs again, his nonchalant disposition starting to really bother her. “I don’t know.”

“That’s upsetting.”

“Why?”

“Because I kinda do think I like you… in that manner,” she admits.

He’s silent for a long time again. There’s barely any change in his sullen expression. It’s a far cry from the overwhelming ecstasy she thought he’d respond with. She’s convinced herself for a long time ago that if she ever falls for him and confesses to him, he’d be happy. But now, she doesn’t feel any of that and a part of her worries she might be too late. Has he gotten over her?

“Where did this suddenly come from?” he asks.

“I was talking to Kaneki just now and--”

“Kaneki?” he cuts in, looking at her with raised eyebrows.

“Yes, Kaneki,” she responds somewhat annoyed. “Listen. Anyway, I was talking to Kaneki and I told him what happened. He says--”

“Let me guess,” Ayato cuts in. “You made a fool of yourself and confessed to him and he says that you’re wrong and the person you’re in love with is me.”

Hinami turns to him. “How do you know that? You weren’t there, were you?” She can’t help but remember that slight moment Kaneki had pretended Ayato was there-- he wasn’t, was he?

“No but it sounds like the kind of dumb shit you’d do,” he scoffs. “So because he said that, being the idiot you normally are, you believed him, right?”

She pauses before responding, raising her eyebrow at him. She’s sensing so much hostility from him that it’s confusing her. Maybe given the circumstances, it’s understandable that he might not be happy to hear this but she doesn’t think it would make him annoyed, but there he is, sitting in front of her, with a scowl scrawled on his face.

“What’s with you, Hinami?” he grumbles. “Can’t you ever think for yourself?”

“I do. I’m not saying this because Kaneki told me. All he did was make me realise that--”

“No, all that’s bullshit!” Ayato cuts in, raising his voice again. “You’re always like that. You’re always bringing him up. It always just goes back to him. I bet he also said some shit about how we’re made for each other and how he wants us to be together and you completely bought into that poor boy Ayato thing Kaneki was playing at. Just know that’s not the case and I am completely fine living without you!”

She doesn’t realise when it got so tiring to deal with Ayato. At one point, he always listened to what she said and his cynical attitude was generally bearable but mostly because he never directed it to her.

“It didn’t feel that way when you were whining about your life on my shoulder just now,” she mutters. She annoyed. She’s getting angry and upset as well. Nothing is going well; nothing is going like how she anticipated it to. “Ayato, can we just… try again?”

“Try again?”

“Or do something at least, I don’t know. I don’t want to keep ignoring everything. We’ve been apart for one month and nothing has changed for me. I still feel so empty,” she continues. “Do we have to pretend there’s nothing? Can’t we just get back together again?”

“I’m leaving,” he says, getting up.

“What? Why? That’s the opposite of what I’m asking for,” she cries out. “Ayato, for once, please!”

He’s walking towards the door and she scrambles to her feet, just in time to grab him by his sleeves before he could reach for the door handles. She tugs him backwards and he turns to scowl at her again. “What do you want Hinami?”

“Do you really have to go? Can’t you stay?” she asks. “The rain is still heavy. It’s dangerous for you to go.”

“You were really hellbent on me leaving just now. Why does it matter now?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” she says. “I don’t know but… don’t go.” Not when I’ve just said all that. She would have said out her thoughts. She would have been honest with him. She wanted to. But Ayato’s looking at her like she’s crazy, like she’s just said something wrong.

“I don’t believe you, Hinami,” he admits. “This is so sudden and after Kaneki told you all that too. I don’t want to hurt you, but I can’t trust you when you’re saying things like this. The last time you said something like that, it didn’t work out.”

“I promised you that we’d take it slow and that one day it would work out, but it won’t happen if you’re not going to give it a chance,” she says urgently. She holding onto his sleeves with both his hands right now.

“How do I know you’re not lying right now?” he challenges.

“How do you want me to prove it to you?” she shoots back.

They both fall silent because honestly, there isn’t a way. There’s no way Hinami can prove her words to him, especially not when she’s thinking about them herself. Ayato has a point-- does she really love him or does she only think she does because Kaneki told her so? Is she perhaps still being swayed by her feelings for Kaneki? Her mind’s a mess. She can’t decide even if she should let him go now. Him staying might make things awkward and perhaps, it might make everything worse. But him going might do the same.

“How about you just think about it?” he says, roughly pulling his arm away from her grasp. “Just stay here. I’m going home.”

Perhaps his apartment didn’t feel like home anymore. Maybe he too can’t stand the memories in it.

Hinami remains silent, unable to say the right words to convince them both of what she had just said, completely clueless over what she should do to get him to stay. He leaves the apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. She’s left alone now and she simply stands there, staring at the door, her mind a blank slate. Eventually, she moves, having nothing else to do. It’s late. She throws himself on his bed, pulls the blanket over herself and tries to sleep. She’s exhausted but even then, it is hard for her to keep her eyes close.

It smells just like him.

He doesn’t think it’s a good idea to be leaving the apartment right now, but he doesn’t say anything either. Nothing good is going to come out of the both of them spending the night together. Even meeting her in her dorm the other night just to pass a piece of paper to her was a bad idea. He can’t imagine what would happen if they were staying together. Simply staying there too long must have made her insane for her to say those things to him.

If… I say I love you, how will you react?

No.

Because I kinda do think I like you… in that manner.

He doesn’t want to hope again.

He needed to discipline himself, to stop turning back to her and clinging onto false hope. He’s already told himself that nothing is going to come out of waiting and wishing. As long as a little inkling of desire and hope resides in him, he is going to keep his distance from her. Until he’s sure he’s not going to do anything stupid again and start something that would once again hurt both of them, he will not approach her.

He didn’t have a choice when Touka made it clear that she wanted him to walk Hinami back but he has a choice now. Even when Hinami suddenly changed her mind, he stuck to it. He doesn’t trust himself anymore. He’d eventually have chosen to believe if he had been there.

The rain had gotten heavier from when he and Hinami had run to his apartment on the way back from Touka’s place. If it was cold then, it’s colder now. Even with an umbrella, he’s getting wet. He can barely hear anything over the sound of raindrops. He can’t see that far ahead in front of him either. It’s so late in the night already. It’s really a bad idea to be out right now. He’s stupid for doing this. Touka will probably yell at him when she hears about this. But he’ll deal with that when it happens. Right now, he has to focus on walking forward despite the temptation to turn back to his apartment and to tell Hinami he changed his mind.

The rain continues to fall down on him. The umbrella offers not much protection, especially with the strong winds. He’s trying his best to stay under it, but with every blow of the wind, the umbrella is tugged along with it and he’s staggering as he tries to pull it back and to stay beneath it. His jeans are already drenched, weighing him down with every step he took. He wonders why he’s pushing himself so much like this. He wonders why he isn’t turning back. Turning back is the logical solution, but he supposes stubbornness runs deeper through his veins than he initially thought so.

There’s a flash followed by a clap of thunder again, so loud and sudden it makes him jump. Right after that, another blast of wind comes and he hasn’t had enough time to get over the shock from the thunder and to pull himself together. He staggers again as the umbrella is pulled along, but this time, it slips out of his hands. He tries to reach it but the wind has it in a matter of seconds, taking it along. His sight is so compromised that he can’t see where it landed. He’s squinting too hard to keep the water out of his eyes.

It’s so cold. His clothes are soaked in a matter of heartbeats. He can feel his hair plastered against his head. His bangs are falling too much into his eyes and it’s making visibility worse. He continues to walk but bothers him but in truth, his body is trembling from the cold, his muscles are contracting and his teeth are chattering. Screw going back to his apartment, he doesn’t want to move an inch from the spot he’s at. He wants to sit there, curl into a ball and just wait out the storm. But it doesn’t look like it’s stopping any time soon. He can already feel his nose stuffing up and his throat itching. If he stays out any longer, he probably would fall really sick.

He pulls his hood on and continues walking. The walk feels like forever, much longer than when he had dragged Hinami back to his apartment. He did feel pretty bad about it. Maybe he should have apologized to her about it. He wonders why she had hesitated to come with him in the first place. She wouldn’t have done that if she meant what she said to him. The conversation with her replays in his mind. Her touch was gentle as always and she’d spoken to him understandingly again, even when he’s pissed off and screaming at her. He doesn’t know how Hinami remains so calm whenever he loses his shit but she must have gotten used to him after spending time with him for so long.

Maybe they should have talked things out a little more. Simply storming out and leaving her like that was probably not a good idea. He’s probably going to see her again the next morning. He doesn’t think she’ll leave so early unless she doesn’t want to see him which he supposes would be unlikely since she’s almost begged him to stay earlier on.

He stops, turning backwards. Maybe he’d acted too rashly. Maybe he should go back and talk to her. Maybe he should just pretend that everything’s okay and take Hinami’s words as the truth. Lie or no lie, what matters, he supposes, isn’t what Hinami truly feels but what he believes she does.

He should go back. He really should.

But he supposes he doesn’t really have a choice. Everything happens in a blink of an eye. He hears the screeching of tires somewhere behind him and when he turns towards it, he sees two bright spots of lights— headlights— hurling right towards him. His heartbeat quickens and he hears something inside him screaming at him to jump away. But his feet are rooted in the ground. He feels himself being transported to sometime back, to a memory he’s tried so hard to forget but has only ever been unsuccessful in doing so. Yet never once has he remembered it so vividly as he does now— a rainy night, screeching of tires, bright headlights and then pain. He closes his eyes, squeezing them tights as he waits for the impact to come, to feel the strong vehicle ram into his feeble body to send him flying, to feel all his senses dull as his body erupts into excruciating pain.

All that comes is blackness again.

A/N: I spent so long debating if I should post this. I actually have most of Shattered already written out! I’m already on the last chapter now. But posting is where it gets really hard, honestly. I told myself I don’t want to post anymore because of all the hate I was getting. I feel really unappreciated at that point in time. But then I found out that it was just one person sending everything to me and I began questioning if I really should stop. Maybe just finishing up this fic would be okay. But that creepy hater for some reason started asking me to continue the fic. I don’t know if all the hate was just for entertainment while they really like my fics, or if they found some joy in doing these sorts of things. But I started hesitating again because posting a fic like they wanted me to felt like I was giving in to them and letting them win. Thinking about it now, I shouldn’t have bothered about that person. The more they message me, the more I am convinced they’re just a fucking hater.

Anyway, I just wanted yall to know why I stopped and why now I decided to continue. They’re lifeless. I shouldn’t worry about them. I should hold myself and those who enjoy my work and are nice about it to high levels. So that’s why Shattered is out.

I ended up changing the ending a little bit! I wouldn’t completely call it a happy ending anymore but it’s less angsty than the bittersweet ending I had in mind. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to make Shattered too happy simply because of the tone of the entire story. Anyway, thank you for reading! I hope you had fun :)

Once again, please please do reblog if you like this! It’ll really help me out. Feel free to leave comments in the tags/ reblogs/ replies or through asks!

#tg #tokyo ghoul #ayahina #kirishima ayato #fueguchi hinami #tg fanfic #far writes stuff #my fic: shattered

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wetookanoath · 7 years ago

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the Ultimate™ big, fat, long ass shyan fanfic rec list by your local librarian, part II

So, tumblr fucked the format and apparently, it doesn’t allow you to post as many links as one may want. Fuck you, @staff.

Contains: More than 150 fanfictions on AO3 and tumblr. Commentary for each by me, rating, number of chapters and summaries. Divided by Top 25 Favorites, Oneshots, Multichapter, Ongoing, Series and On Tumblr Only.

[Part I] [Part II] [Part III]

Coming Soon: Rec Page.

~ Oneshots, part II

Something a Demon Would Say by EAST (WESTAGE)

Summary: Ryan wants to prove that Shane is a demon, and/or an alien, and Shane just wants to ask Ryan out on a date.

“The jig is up, Shane Madej! I know what you really are!”

Rated: G

Commentary: This fic has one of my favorite endings of all time. It’s fun and funny, and characterization is wonderful. Also, Shane has a not-so-secret crush on Ryan and it’s adorable.

i wanna see the sunrise and your sins by AmazingAida

Summary: ryan goes into heat while filming and shane is, thankfully, there to help.

also ryan and shane come face to face with their true feelings and it’s very confusing.

or, alternatively: in which shane and ryan have sex for one reason that ends up being a completely different implicit reason.

or, alternatively: feelings are confusing just don’t have them.

Rated: E

Commentary: Pure, fluffy PWP, if that’s you think– the only reason I don’t cherish as much this fic is because it is a cheating fanfic. And while they don’t cheat on their real life girlfriends in the fic, Ryan still has a partner and I just... don’t. But other than that, this is very sweeet and hot.

Mausoleum by ghostwheeze

Summary: How about…. Ryan and Shane are stuck in a room for some reason (Maybe the doorknob broke off…?) And Ryan is absolutely terrified. The sexual tension has been high between the two for a while and so Shane decides… fuck it, and does something to distract Ryan ;)

Rated: T

Commentary: This fic has something... something tht makes me love it. It’s so good and hot, even if they are just--- not doing it, and yeeeeet. I ove it.

SLEEPINGWITHAFRIEND by grapefruitghostie

Summary: it’s a risk but, babe, i need the thrillor; the author just wants to cry

Rated: E

Commentary: Alright, this one is kinky. In this story, Shane and Ryan also have a dom/sub relationship, with Shane being Ryan’s dom, and it also has– you guessed it right, daddy kink. I love it.

he is the one named sailor moon by schuyleryette

Summary: Ryan Bergara was just your regular college student trying to deal with classes, an asshole roommate, and one of the most insufferable jerks he had ever met. None of this prepared him for the talking cat who change the course of his destiny…

Rated: T

Commentary: Another big, but nice, surprise in the tag was to find a damn Sailor Moon AU. Look– I grew up watching this anime and this was the first manga I read, and I also probably became a little bit gay because of Michiru (and her wife Haruka), so this AU is everything to me.

That, and the fact that is. so. much. fun. Honestly, give Ryan a break– he had one weird night in this fic. It’s great, you all should read it.

satisfaction brought it back by ElasticElla

Summary: A true crime case turns supernatural, and Ryan gets a little too curious about Shane’s fanfiction references.

Rated: M

Commentary: Listen, Ryan’s curiosity in this fic is everything to me. I felt all the second hand embarrasment in the world while reading him go through smutty fanfics as Shane slept in the same room as him, getting hot at fanfic!Shane saying that “you are mine” and stuff like that. It was amazing.

Danse Macabre by americanchemicals

Summary: On your thirteenth birthday, a mark would appear on your body, a mark that only one other person in the world had. These matching marks, or soulmarks, were a physical connection between two soulmates.

Rated: G

Commentary: THEY GET– AT THE END THEY– DUDE, JUST READ IT. The ending of this, the climax of this fic, had me shook and It made me happy. Lovely fic.

and i’m puffing my chest, getting red in the face by pissedofsandwich

Summary: "Zack’s going to be there?“ Shane asks, masking his… whatever it is he’s feeling in his chest, with nonchalance.

Ryan blinks. “Yes?”

Well, never mind dancing with the fucking sun. He’s Icarus, wings melted and falling face-first into the asphalt.

Or: Shane is definitely not at all jealous of how close Zack and Ryan are getting during the making of Sports Conspiracies. Except that he is.

Rated: T

Commentary: One of my favorite fanfics that also has jealous!Shane and one of the most funniest climax ever. All their co-workers are damn angels, you gotta read this, it’s incredible. Also, kudos to poor Zack having the rage of a jealous Shane Alexander Madej with a cup of coffee in his hands.

Blood Buddies (with benefits) by Squeakyshroom

Summary: Ryan thought they were just friends, but one night and one bite has him questioning everything.

OR: Shane’s a fledgling vampire. Ryan’s an idiot.

Rated: E

Commentary: I’ve read a total of 16 times since it was posted a few weeks ago, lmao. Look– this author? I love her. She is one of the first people I talked to while doing the project, she kinda got me into talking to other authors and that helped me a lot to get through the reading happily.

She has a very unique style and the way she writes their dynamic is something else. This fanfic in particular is a lot of fun, and I hate the fact that I know one and every damn Twilight reference in it.

It also has one of my favorite mental images/scenes in a fanfic ever. If you guess which one is, come tell me about it, lmao.

give me all your poison by ElasticElla

Summary: Shane catches Ryan red-handed. Or well, red-shirted and fuck, this is not the romantic reunion he envisioned when deciding to surprise Ryan.

Rated: E

Commentary: AHHHHH, I LOVE THIS ONE. It inspired a whole series in which both are killers that you should totally read, too: the serial killer ryan quartet. This fic has… a scene I really like. If you get which one, I’ll love you forever. I’m so glad I read and commented this fic, because my comment helped inspire the rest of it.

distorted truths by hwsinbs

Summary: All of Shane’s entourage is convinced that his boyfriend is a ghost. Ryan takes it a little too well (and Shane wishes it was a real ghost).

Rated: G

Commentary: LMAO, this fic. Look– Ryan has to say a little lie and it becomes this big thing… he can’t even breathe properly after it. It’s incredibly fun, I enjoyed reading it a lot.

Eventually, the Darkness Stares Back by EAST (WESTAGE)

Summary: Shane realizes he likes Ryan exactly the way he is: alive.

Rated: T

Commentary: Oh, this one gave me the creeps. Shane is fucking scary, man, and the whole scenary, the moment when everything happens, I just– wow. This one’s good, really good.

Nana by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: I sat with you beside your bed and cried For things that I wish I’d said

You still had your nose red

And if I live past seventy-two, I hope I’m half as cool as you

Ryan is ready.

Rated: Not Rated (I’ll say T)

Commentary: This should be rated DEATH FOR YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES, because is a soul-destroyer fic. Dude, the ending. Dude, be prepared.

“Do you think there’s fanfiction?” by Anotherlostblogger

Summary: This is about to get very meta but it does not necessarily depict real life events and/or my actual opinions about the lovely fanfic on this site.

Rated: E

Commentary: The whole first part is a lot of fun, kinda on the nose, but really funny. And the smut is good, too. Very enjoyable fic, a lot of fun for everyone. Especially Ryan, lmao.

Fuck Fear by Squeakyshroom

Summary: Ryan can’t sleep and Shane invites him into his sleeping bag.

Sex and confused feelings ensue.

Rated: E

Commentary: From one of my favorite authors, this fic has ace!Shane who enjoys getting his partner off, and Ryan enjoys it of course. This fic is a lot of fun.

Ryan Bergara: The Biggest Fucking Tease in the World by ClaraLuna98

Summary: why was Shane so GODDAMN disheveled during the Sodder Children episode?

Rated: M

Commentary: This one is supposed to happen while they are filming the Sodder Children episode of True Crime, season 1. You know the one– when Shane looked like if he had just fucked. That’s the one. And it’s glorious. Also, daddy kink.

i wanna see your face and know ive made it home by isthepartyover

Summary: “I’m going,” Shane announces, blood smeared on his face and baseball bat still clenched in shaking hands.

They try to argue with him, tell him it’s dangerous and he might die and he should really leave it to the adults-Shane barks out a laugh at that one.

“I’m going,” he insists, and follows the scientists to the creepy-ass lab and down under to the gaping, disgusting maw waiting for them underneath.

Rated: Not Rated.

Commentary: SO THIS WAS DONE BECAUSE I SAID ON ONE OF MY SILLY, SILLY FANFICS POST HOW I WANTED A STRANGER THINGS AU IN THE FANDOM AND– and angels do exist, look at THIS. It’s wonderful, you guys, Shane’s POV is rich and fun, and is an interesting story that will make you want to die a little in the climax. Go read it!

Rogue State by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: “Who are you?” Ryan blurted out, once they had gotten away.

The line of Shane’s lips stretched into an amused grin. He chuckled. “I’m still your ol’ pal, Shane. I’ve just been keeping a few secrets.“

“And what secrets are those, Shane?” Ryan asked, voice wavering under the pressure of his anxiety and irritation. Shane pursed his lips and cocked his head to the side. With a small shrug, he explained, “Let’s just say I’ve been watching you for a long time.”

Spy!Shane AU.

Rated: M

Commentary: This is such an amazing fanfic, this AU is incredible and wow, I wish there was more of this. Shane and Ryan’s relationship is everything here, the things Shane has done for Ryan... amazing.

My Wings // Shyan by egofelix

Summary: An Angel by the name of Ryan meets a Demon by the name of Shane and let’s just say… the rest is history.

Rated: Not Rated (M, for sure)

Commentary: In which Ryan is an angel, Shane is a demon, there’s a war between their worlds, and they have some good dicking session. This fic is interesting, boning aside.

Compliment Each Other Like Colors by americanchemicals

Summary: When you look into your soulmate’s eyes, the world fills with color. Until then, people are forced to live in black & white, yearning for the day they’re able to see the universe in a different way.

Rated: M

Commentary: Can’t include a “you start seeing in color when you meet your soulmate” AU, especially when it’s kind of really original and well written. Very good fic with a good twist in it.

Angel With a Shot Gun by notimmortal

Summary: "I’ll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe. Don’t you know you’re everything I have?”

- Angel With a Shotgun by The Cab

Shane is an Angel and will never let anything harm Ryan, ever.

Rated: T

Commentary: Shane (and Sara) is an angel in this one. What I like the most about it is Shane’s POV and the universe it wrote, the world building is pretty rad. And also– Shane does has a gun. His spiritual weapon is a damn gun. It’s fucking awesome.

nothing’s making sense at all by isthepartyover

Summary: Ryan was drunk.

Very drunk.

The room was spinning slightly, making it hard to focus on anything in the room or any one thought, the anxious dread he’d had building in his gut since Keith’s disappearance only getting worse and less tolerable with the alcohol in his system.

The girls were laughing loudly over some joke Ryan couldn’t quite remember hearing, leaning on one another with the force of it, and the sound was making the terrible knot of feeling in his gut worse for some reason.

Rated: Not Rated. (Again, T).

Commentary: This oen is part of the Stranger Things AU. Like I said before, I love this AU. It’s awesome and Ryan’s POV in this one is one of my favorites.

Self care by Mega_purplezebracorn

Summary: Ryan likes to shower. The shower is a private place where he can think to himself and reflect the day.

However, sometimes a certain somebody will flash into mind and…distract him from this…

This is filthy, filthy dirt and I am both ashamed and proud. *sighs* wtf have I become?

Rated: E

Commentary: This one… has something… that I really like, and I don’t know where to put my finger on it. Both chapters of it are smutty. In the first one, Ryan takes care of himself and it’s… certainly sexy. While the second one is THE scene between them.

It’s also a “discovering you got a daddy kink” fanfic, they realize together they are into that. Good shit, good shit.

conflict of interest by spoopyy

Summary: Shane is a high school science teacher who really hates his job. He bumps into a passionate, but lonely history teacher named Ryan, who just might make teaching worth it.

Rated: Not Rated (but I would say, G)

Commentary: BOY, this is such a perfect fanfic, all of it. From how they met to how they get together, and how their relationship keeps going. READ IT.

and he takes and he takes by cooliohoolio

Summary: Shane wants to say I will be dead within the next year. He wants to say the flowers in my lungs are there because of you. He wants to say I’m in love with you and it’s killing me.

Rated: Not Rated (I’d say T)

Commentary: I love Hanahaki Disease, man. It’s so tragic and romantic at the same time, and I guess– sometimes, love does feels like that. It fills you up and yet, it’s killing you, takes your breathe away. And this fic? It killed me.

Bloody Hell by AussieBookworm

Summary: One of the gifts of being bitten by a vampire, Shane supposed, was his improved hearing. For example, he could hear Jen quietly humming a song she claimed she hated, Quinta having a conversation with her mother about her father’s surprise birthday party, and Ryan leaving a meeting room and walking over to him.

***

Shane is a vampire and Ryan starts getting a bit too close to the truth, completely by accident

Rated: T

Commentary: In which Shane and Ryan visit an actual Vampire Hunter for an episode, and Shane wants to destroy something. In this one, Shane and Sara are vampires and good friends, and Ryan doesn’t know his pal is exactly what he is looking for. And it’s awesome.

May I Say I Loved You More by Luntian

Summary: He felt Ryan’s warm palm on his shoulder. By then he knew he couldn’t lie anymore.“I—well, uh…” Shane inhaled deeply, “Promise me you’ll believe.

”Ryan was puzzled, but he nodded almost immediately.

After a long pause, Shane finally continued, “I’m not human.”

“What?” Ryan whispered. His eyebrows furrowed.

“Well, I was human, then—and then I died.” Ryan stared. Shane realized he was making no sense. He sighed, “Okay, listen. I am an angel.” Shane glanced at Ryan, trying to see his reaction but he saw no expression on his face. “I was sent on Earth to, uh, complete some mission.”

“You’re an alien?!”

“I’m an angel!”

/or/

Shane is an angel with a time limit. And a boyfriend.

Rated: Not Rated (T)

Commentary: Angel Shane AU that for a second seems to be all happy– then it’s not. I cried a lot.

find each other when we’re losing our minds. by alvaughn

Summary: “Gotta build up to it, baby.” Shane replies.

“Don’t call me baby.”

Rated: M

Commentary: We are in smut territory again. This one is FUCKED UP, like– all of these Seril Killer AUs are fucked, alright, but this one is just… oh, holy shit. Ryan, uuuuh, gets off of Shane coming to him every time he kills someone. But I like it. Another take on the “don’t call me baby” comment, also

.a short history of almost something by cooliohoolio

Summary: "I think I’ll wait another year.“Shane’s in love with Ryan, and will get around to telling him. One of these days.

Rated: Not Rated (G)

Commentary: This fic is… so damn cute. All of it. The scenes with them out in the grass, looking at the stars, are wonderful.

shelter by Hugabug

Summary: When Ryan comes home, covered in blood, Shane is ready for it.

Rated: T

Commentary: Serial Killer Ryan AU. Shane loves Ryan so much in this fic. And even though Ryan does– these horrible things, you can’t help but just want them to be safe. Protective Shane in this context is as wonderful as in any other.

waiting here for catastrophe by anarchetypal

Summary: “Ryan.” Shane breaks off and sits down again, slides his chair closer to Ryan’s, stares him down. “God, fuck, look at me, okay, I did this. I did this, this is my case, this is mine, everything you’re talking about—”

Ryan can’t help it: he laughs. It comes out a little anxiously, but it’s a laugh all the same, because Shane can’t really expect him to buy into this, right?

And Shane looks—well, murderous is either the wrong word or the right one.

“I’m not kidding.”

“You really want me to believe—”

“You entertain all possible theories, right?” Shane says, exasperated and angry, and Ryan notices it’s the first time he’s ever said that seriously. “That’s what this stupid show is—that’s what you do.So entertain this one.”

All at once, it stops being funny. Something the size of a golf ball seems to lodge itself high in Ryan’s throat. He realizes it’s alarm, fear, a caged bird thrashing against the bars inside himself. He’s waiting for Shane to break, to burst into laughter, to say it’s all a stupid joke, but it doesn’t happen.

“What the fuck,” he croaks out.

Rated: M

Commentary: Serial Killer Shane. In this one, Shane is offended that Ryan thinks he is an amateour in the Art of Killing, and also does the horrible, terrible pun of “Cereal Killer” as he eats Ryan’s cereal. It’s fantastic.

when the tide comes by AnastasiaYu

Summary: the disappearance of ryan bergara.

Rated: T

Commentary: To quote Luke Skyalker, “this is not going to end the way you think”. This is… so sad. The ending is, wow, one of my favorites. The original ending. Althought the second ending is also good. But the first! So sad! So good!

i keep telling myself i’m not the desperate type by juniperProse

Summary: ““Hmm. Guess I’ll have to get you to shut up another way, then,” Shane says, and somehow he just sounds like he’s smirking.”

—

Or: It’s exactly what it sounds like. They just make out. That’s it.

Rated: T

Commentary: I know I keep saying this, but this is the cutest thing in the world and it’s gonna make you happy like it made me when I first read it. Besides, I really like this author a lot.

Short Stack by americanchemicals

Summary: An AU where the first words your soulmate ever tells you are marked on your wrist.

And Shane isn’t disappointed, because he knows he’ll know his soulmate right away, with how unique his words are.

After all, not many people greet others by saying, “You’re a fucking Sasquatch.”

Rated: T

Commentary: Listen, “You are a fucking Sasquatch!” has never been this romantic. This one fic is wonderful, def one of my favorites. Also, Soulmates AU are everything to me.

Love by JayCKx

Summary: "Do you not know how love works?“ Ryan utters softly, voice a little bit awed, looking at Shane with an expression that the taller man can’t quite place.

Immediately a million thoughts and memories spring forward into Shane’s mind.

Rated: G

Commentary: My heart warmed so much while reading this. It’s really cute, you just gotta ignore the unrequited love tag, lmao. Also a shorty but goodie.

The Desk Fic by SincerelyLeah

Summary: Shane was having a shitty Monday morning and it was all because of one person, Ryan Bergara. But, by now he should know that endless teasing gets Shane more than riled up.

Rated: E

Commentary: I have so much fun reading this damn fic. Because it’s funny– Like, Shane’s POV is funny and you can feel his frustration because Ryan is. such. a. fucking. tease. And THE moment is just– good. Also, lmao, beware of the daddy kink.

Under The Stars by SincerelyLeah

Summary: “I promised myself I would never fall in love with you. But it was four am, and we were laughing way too hard. I felt happy for the first time in a long time, and I knew I was screwed.”

Rated: G

Commentary: A sweet something you will be glad to have read once you are done. I loved it, it’s so sweet and warm, it makes me truly happy.

if we’re gonna do this, we gotta do it now by floatingonthelehigh

Summary: “How did you convince me to come here again?”

“My irresistible charm, of course.”

Ryan’s mouth settles into a hard line. He’s not wrong.

(Shane gets Ryan to come to an old abandoned house with him. One of them, and you’ll never guess who, gets more than a little freaked out. Featuring: pure terror! confessions of love! and a somewhat-terrifying framed photograph of a woman!)

Rated: T

Commentary: Pure, sweet, loving fluff. Ryan gets a little angry at Shane but he deserves it, but at the end everything is right. I love this fic.

mystery item by rycan_toucan

Summary: ” – okay. remember last week when you, jen, steven and i went drinking and i had, like, eight and a half shots of whiskey?“

“i specifically remember the half, yes.”

“impressive. anyway, i ended up not passing out when i got home and did some high quality online shopping, instead.”***

ryan bought a thing, they both find it extremely funny and have a good time.

Rated: T

Commentary: The boys are so silly and happy in this little thing, oh my God, I’m smiling as I remember this fic.

Nemo est Scire by KatHowellLester

Summary: Shane and Ryan are staying the night in a haunted building and Ryan can’t handle it so Shane cuddles him and makes him feel better by talking and holding him

No one has to know

Rated: E

Commentary: Say hello to the first daddy kink fic in the fandom, at least on AO3. Okay, so this one– I love the ending of this one a lot. And the use of the kink is pretty good, they actually discover they are into it during the act in the story. Pretty good and loving.

gayer than expected by juniperProse

Summary: Ryan sees Shane in his new glasses, and realizes that he may be less straight than he originally thought.

Rated: G

Commentary: NFNFINEIFRO, this one is so funny. I mean, just look at the title. Also, juniperProse is one of the best authors out there, you are gonna love this one.

Disneyland & Soulmates by anxiousdraco

Summary: Shane Madej is tired of looking at his Mark. He has yet to meet his Other even though he’s 26. So, he saves up his money and catches a flight to LA to get his Mark removed – something that is incredibly frowned upon. When he finds out he is to meet his Other in two hours, he goes to Disneyland. Why? Who knows. But it all works out in the end. // Shyan

Rated: Not Rated (I’d say T)

Commentary: Super cute, one hell of a meet-cute, even if at the beginning is a little bit angsty. Love this fic!

forever by catbrains

Summary: Prompt: “Can I kiss you?”

It’s an urge that comes on suddenly and all-consumingly, like starvation with no hunger to prelude it.

Rated: G

Commentary: In this one, they kiss for the first time and I melted when I first read it. The super poetic and beautiful way the kiss is written haunts me to this night.

The Lube Fic by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: Someone sends Ryan a 55-gallon drum of lube, and Shane finds a good use for it.

Rated: Not rated (M, I think)

Commentary: Like I said before, Joey is the best and he always gives us the best content. This one is hot and funny. Also, it’s in his oneshots anthology, Between a Crucifix and the Hollywood Sign. This fic is so much fun... and has daddy kink, lmao.

Popping Dilemmas by SincerelyLeah

Summary: A late night run and met a late night stranger.

Rated: G

Commentary: This is one of those fics a meet-cute that you just LOVE, and this one is the case for me.

But I would like to, with you by MPhoenix7

Summary: “Maybe I don’t”.

“But I would like to, with you” was left unsaid.

Rated: T

Commentary: As you can see, this little moment marked us all. This one is another take on that, “You don’t know how love works?” little question. It’s also incredible.

in a crowd of thousands by Hugabug

Summary: the parade traveled on, with the sun in my eyes you were gone but i knew even then in a crowd of thousands i’ll find you again

Rated: G

Commentary: And as you can see, I love Hugabug’s writing and wonderful AUs. This an Anastasia AU, Ryan is Anastasia and Shane is Dimitri, and this is BEAUTIFUL.

Unsolved by areneecz

Summary: The fluff-fueled antics of Ryan Bergara and Shane Madej.

Rated: M (but not really, is like T)

Commentary: OH THIS ONE. It’s so good, so pure, so cute. Shane calls Ryan “sweetheart” and I just fucking MELTED.

Candid by Planterra

Summary: ”The light shone through the window, hitting the younger’s smooth skin in just the right way. He was glowing. Ethereal. Beautiful, Light in an unworldly sense- and all of him belonged to Shane.“

Rated: E

Commentary: This is such a poetic little thing, in the smut realm also, and so beautiful…

I Only Need One Hand To Drive by gayunsolved

Summary: Ryan Bergara knows what he likes, okay? But he won't tell you if you ask, so don't ask.

(Alternatively, putting the 'size' in fantasize.)

Rated: E

Commentary: AHAHAHA, THIS FIC. So good, so hot, so-- listen, Size Kink it’s my thing and this fic gave me exactly what I wanted.

Oh Well, Oh Well by americanchemicals

Summary: Shane was just a typical demon, adventuring with his boyfriend through different haunted locations. Little did his boyfriend know, but he was there to make sure that nothing sinister hurt his human.

Ryan was just a regular demon, travelling to different haunted locations with his boyfriend for videos. Little did his partner know, but he was also making sure nothing hurt his tall partner.

Rated: M

Commentary: In this one, both of them are demons and it’s amazing, because none has any idea the other is, lmao. I love this fic.

Under no circumstances by Memefaego

Summary: Under no circumstances is Ryan getting in the tub with Shane.

Rated: T

Commentary: I bookmarked this one as “quality content” and that’s what it is. It’s the only fic about that bathrube scene, can you believe that?

things you said in the moonlight. by idkspookystuff

Summary: Ryan invites Shane to spend the night, only he hasn't told his boyfriend he's transgender yet. or ryan's trans, he gets his period, and shane loves him despite everything.

Rated: T

Commentary: Such a sweet little fanfic that I love with all my heart. Trans Ryan AU, he and Shane had just started to date and everything is cute.

crossroads by thescrewtapedemos

Summary: It’s not a good idea to try rituals you find on the internet.

Rated: T

Commentary: Ryan’s actions in this fic are horrible in the sense that he thought– he thought nothing had happened and yet, all nightmares come to him and he doesn’t seem to notice, until the nightmare starts getting more and more clear. It’s incredible. I love this fic. It’s short and terrifying.

force at play by historicandgay (dannylawrence)

Summary: Over the decades, the Queen Mary has become filled to the brim with varying spirits and ghosts. Most of them are tired and prefer to keep away from the living. Most of them, that is. On one fateful trip, a young Ryan Bergara gets more than he predicted when a nosy ghost ends up seeing the future he could have with a certain skeptic, if only Ryan could just, ya know, believe in ghosts.

"Everything always came together, perfectly so, whether you meant it to or not, whether you wanted it to or not, no matter how hard people tried to predetermine the answer to every aspect of life, there was always something more."

Rated: Not Rated (I’d say G)

Commentary: Such a sweet fanfic about the ghosts at the Quen Mary, and one in particular that sees Ryan grow.

but still let me tell you that i love who you are by BooyahFordhamYacht

Summary: Ryan says the most wonderful things when there’s no one there to listen yet.Or, five voicemails from Ryan that Shane refuses to delete.

Rated: T

Commentary: A most recent fanfic I read while doing this list, it’s such a little gem. I love it to no end, it made me cry with how sweet and raw it is. I looove it.

Sweaters and Glasses by SincerelyLeah

Summary: It was the middle of September and it was cold in the house.

Rated: M

Commentary: Another smutty piece that I love way too much. I have a thign for glasses, alright, don’t judge me and just read this wonderful fic.

secrets by rycnbergara

Summary: the day after a huge party, ryan’s hungover, to say the least. but he drags himself out to the street festival outside. there, he meets a magician around his age. maybe the best decision he ever made.

Rated: G

Commentary: A great magician never tells his secrets, but this fic needs to be known. I loved it, it’s a lot of fun and something just sweet for when you are feeling down.

i'll hold your hand (but only if you want me to) by cactsu

Summary: “When you, uh… when you called me babe, I… I kind of liked it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I guess I should do it more often, then,” Shane turned to lock eyes with Ryan, something dark and sultry in his eyes. “Babe.”

(basically based on the ‘I’m pretending to be your bf because you looked VERY uncomfortable with that person at the bar hitting on you’ prompt)

Rated: E

Commentary: Aaaaah, the smut in this fandom is just wonderful. And this fic? Amazing, one of my favorites.

the things you do to me (you know them too well) by Catherines_Collections

Summary: He thinks maybe it won’t last, tries not to think too much about the risk their both taking, but he’s going to enjoy it while it does.

Rated: Not Rated (I’d say T)

Commentary: Oh, man. This fic is wonderful, like everything this author ever does. I love it, the narrative is incredible.

the ghosts are screaming by ryan_bergara (ashtronomical_wander)

Summary: "Okay, not gonna lie, I'm still freaking out a bit about this hotel, so erm," Ryan says frantically, eyes shifting around the room in panic. "How about we, er…" he nods towards the bed, before giving Shane a pleading look.

"Wait, are you sure?" Shane blushes a little, not sure if he feels right doing this when Ryan was in such a state just moments ago.

"It'll take my mind off it, come on…"

- Basically -

Ryan has anxiety and Shane is his comfort.

Rated: E

Commentary: Man, I love this fic for the way it portraits their relationship. They are such a good couple and they are still best friends. It’s incredible well done and so hot, too. This smut is in another level for that. Also-- it’s fun, you are gonna smile and laugh reading it.

Flinch by oh-devil (conceit)

Summary: “Holy shit, you are ticklish.”

“Congratulations, you cracked the case.” Shane shot back the rest of his beer and tried to level his best glare at Ryan. “Now fuck off.”

Ryan’s laughter rang out through the trees.

Rated: M

Commentary: There is something special about this fic. I’m not sure what it is, but every fnfic during the Bigfoot hunt is just... blue. And wonderful. I really like this fic for some reason.

Good Enough by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: Shane couldn't stand the idea of Ryan regretting him, and such a regret could start that very night.

Or, both of these boys are massively insecure.

Conrinuation of The Proposal(s) by GhostWheeze and murphy's law by Spoopyy.

Rated: E

Commentary: Joey is back at it again with another wonderful fanfic. This one is a wedding night fic, so imagine that-- It’s amazing, alright. I will always love more some sweet and tender, and loving, errr, love-making, than any other kind of sex. And Joey here did an amazing job.

i think i'm still turning out by the_tenerife_sea

Summary: Shane is starting to think Ryan is using him for his baby, considering how much he’s already talked her up to all of their coworkers and friends.

____

Or the one where Shane is a new parent, and Ryan is always there for him (and his daughter, of course).

Rated: G

Commentary: I love parents AU and this one is just lovely-- I don’t know what happened that people started to post kid fics all at once in the same week, but I’m glad they did. I may not be a big fan of how Shane becomes a single dad, but I really liked this fic.

I Will Follow You Into The Dark by AmazingAida

Summary: Ryan likes looking into Shane’s eyes, so as to not look into the darkness, so as to not let his mind wander.

Rated: E

Commentary: Their relationship in this fic is so deep and beautiful, man. The smut is obviously great, but its the depth of their relationship that makes this fic incredible.

not with you by oMUSEo

Summary: "I'm always scared," Ryan whispers, afraid that if he speaks too loud the moment will be ruined and Shane will wake up and realize he's been hallucinating. That he should go back to his girlfriend who smiles like sunshine and likes her coffee the same way he does because Ryan is just unlucky when it comes to love.

Or when two dorks love each other and don't know how to act.

Rated: T

Commentary: One of the first fics I read and that I loved. Again, the way their relationship develops and the angst around it as it happens, amazing. I love this fic with all my heart.

Shane And Ryan Were Here by WhatWereMadeOf

Summary: “I’m...where are we? Did you just wake up? Are you okay? Jesus fucking Christ I’m so sorry...I’m so sorry Shane...”

When Shane didn’t reply, Ryan opened his eyes to see confusion on the other man’s face. He watched him lift a hand and point to his ear. He spoke slowly, and Ryan’s heart sank into his stomach when no sound came out.

“I can’t hear you.”

Or, Ryan and Shane get abducted and held captive by aliens. Maybe? Probably? There's some debate.

Rated: T

Commentary: This fic is amazing. It’s disturbing and all, but it’s also... kind of fluffy. I love it, to be honest-- It’s the greatest shit. Also-- IT WAS ALIENS, I KNOW IT!

Reluctant Cuddles by skepticalghouligan

Summary: Shane knows it’s his job as a Dom to take care of his boy after a scene. Sometimes he forgets he needs care too.

Rated: G

Commentary: One of the sweetest little things I’ve read in this fandom, especially as someone who loves dom/sub dynamics. This is so important and sweet.

Me & U (Village Bootleg Remix) by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: A possessive, drunk Ryan and a flustered, lovelorn Shane walk into a bar...

Rated: T

Commentary: In which one lowkey wants to punch Ryan for being such a bro, but then you realize he ain’t. This fic is awesome.

The Thing About Submission by skepticalghouligan

Summary: Shane and Ryan have a day to play. So they explore one of Shane's favorite things as a Dom: bottoming.

Rated: E

Commentary: Doms that bottom are the best and of course Dean, king of dom/sub in the shyan fandom, is the right person to write this. Honestly, this fic-- amazing.

Ghosting by Girlwithgoggles

Summary: Shane dies, and Ryan's world falls apart. Then a pen rolls off Ryan's coffee table.

Rated: T

Commentary: Man... You guys sure love your Ghost AU as sad as it comes, this one doesn’t disappoint.

Just Out of Reach by formosus_iniquis

Summary: A variation on the “I asked for your help getting a book off the top shelf and and you laughed at my taste and called me a nerd so I shoved you into a table of nonfiction best-sellers and that’s how we both got banned from the quirky community bookstore” prompt

Rated: T

Commentary: This fic makes me happy. It’s lovely and so well written, the situation it presents it’s also funny and overall, I love it.

while we all pretend to sleep by fructose

Summary: Ryan hears about a town in the Southwest, Shane takes him there.

They drove across the southern point of Nevada over two slow days, traversing that jagged shard of rock and dust with the static from the radio as their soundtrack. It crackled on even as Ryan pressed his hand between Shane’s legs, leaning over as they drove to growl obscene things in his ear. It was the white noise that played on as Ryan jerked Shane off in the back of the van, their bodies pressed close and hot.

Rated: M

Commentary: This fic… is another level of… awesome. I don’t know how to explain it, man. But it has something magical about it. I guess is the fact that I like melancholic and weird things. But it’s really In The Mood, you know.

Fresh Eyes by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: Soulmate au where when you reach 18 you stop aging until you meet your soulmate? After a few years of being roommates (they were roommates through college and then just moved in together afterwards) shane and Ryan realize they've been slowly aging together (Bonus points if one of them realizes first and has to bring it up to the other person)

Rated: T

Commentary: This soulmate AU is such a cute little thing, I love it. It’s like a bunch of wonderful tropes in one well written and perfect fic.

the mustang kids are out by sevencts

Summary: "Do you want to turn back?“

Ryan looks at his hands: Left– clasped around the handle of his pistol, right– clasped around the palm of his lover. "No,” he whispers, taking a deep breath in and coming to meet Shane’s eyes again. He says, in earnest with a twisted smile on his pink lips. “Never.

Rated: M

Commentary: Oh, boy. This is the Bonnie & Clyde AU you never thought you needed until you read this. Short, but I love it. I fucking love it.

what’s the opposite of recruitment? by kinderhook (mrs_nerimon)

Summary: Ryan has a problem with the newest member of his Paranormal Club.

Rated: G

Commentary: In which Ryan has zero common sense and his friends are so tired. This fic is a lot of fun.

i'm just curious by soyicedcoffee

Summary: Ryan thinks, in this moment, as Shane twirls a pen between her fingers idly, that she’s never been so viscerally irritated.

Rated: E

Commentary: Genderswap AU. I never thought I would read one of these over here, but you guys always manage to surprise me in the best ways. This fic is everything. I’m conflicted because Shane reminds me of my crush in the city, who absolutely broke my heart, but man-- this fic is good.

I Think the Ghost Likes You by cactsu

Summary: "Dude, are... are you touching me?"

"...No."

aka shane is bold enough to touch ryan, but not bold enough to admit it.

Rated: T

Commentary: Man, this fic. It’s a lot of fun to read and it has something-- the tease of them being together, I guess. It has a great ending, but seriously all that part about the ghost wanting to feel up Ryan, Jesus fucking Christ-- that’s great.

Not Safe For Work by doctorkaitlyn

Summary: Of all the many, many meetings Ryan has had to sit through since becoming a full-fledged Buzzfeed employee, this one is probably the most painful, for exactly three reasons.

1) It's not even eight thirty yet, and his coffee has yet to kick in and wake him up.

2) Zack is on his left watching a muted stream of last night’s Warriors and Lakers game, which is nearly impossible to look away from.

3) Shane is on his right, and one of his huge hands has been planted just above Ryan’s knee almost from the moment he first sat down.

(Or, having sex in a sound booth during work hours probably isn't appropriate workplace conduct, even for Buzzfeed, but that doesn't stop Ryan and Shane.)

Rated: E

Commentary: Listen, these men are killing me and in this fic? Holy shit Shane is a smooth son of a bitch and I love him. And also, Ryan, dear-- wow.

The Conjuring by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: Omg yes...write a conjuring fic pls.

Rated: M

Commentary: I’m in love with AU. it’s so interesting and well written. It’s not the movie(s) but its own piece put in the universe of the movies. It’s incredible.

transgender dysphoria blues by ficfucker

Summary: shane and ryan find themselves in new hampshire to film an episode

and get a bit sidetracked in the process

Rated: E

Commentary: Trans Shyan. I’m in love with this fic, even though it’s kind of sad as the name suggested. It has something very special that I think speaks to many people. Shane is such-- I don’t know how to say this. But he is amazing and so is Ryan, and I love this fic.

two bros chilling in a sleeping bag by nastyboy (orphan_account)

Summary: “Dude. Dude. Shane. You gotta let me sleep in your sleeping bag.”

Shane rolls over. “”There- it’s a one-person bag.”

Rated: M

Commentary: I love this kind of dirty stuff, don’t judge me. Honestly, bless the authors of our fandom.

Revolutionary Road by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: can i request a shyan fic where the two get into a fight??? im in the mood for angst i guess lol. thank u!!!!

Rated: T

Commentary: Bro, this fic is... wow. A very interesting ghost story, passt lifes and possessions. It’s truly an amazing fanfic.

you get me closer to god by sessrumnir

Summary: Ryan wants to experiment. Shane is more than happy to comply.

Rated: E

Commentary: Also bless this fandom for writing such good Dom/Sub dynamics and in such different ways from one another, for making their relationship so deep and their trust so big, that’s love. This fic is wonderful. And hot.

And Then You by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: amazingaida asked: heya! same AmazingAida from ao3, I decided to check out your tumblr and I'm in love with it ngl <3 so, since i'm here, concept: ryan wearing shane's shirts bc shane is a very tol bean and just ryan wearing them when he gets scared for comfort and just ahhhh

Rated: T

Commentary: I have a Thing(tm) for Ryan wearing Shane’s clothes, and apparently, so does Shane. I love this little fic, it’s not only adorable, but sexy.

Honey by spectr

Summary: Alternatively: Ryan Bergara seizes the moment.

Rated: M

Commentary: Well, this is one of the sexiest things. And it’s not smut. Also, this fic is so poetic and aesthetically pleasing, I love it.

Ugly Sweater by skepticalghouligan

Summary: Shane hates the holidays. Specifically this holiday because he lost a bet. And the sweater is awful.

Rated: G

Commentary: Christmas fluff is always good and this fic is everything. Besides, ugly sweaters? My aesthetic.

Bloodflows by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: "Shane scoffed; the Force, the Jedi, balance, order, none of it made sense to him. It was too difficult to believe that there was some cosmic power responsible for ensuring the stability of the galaxy. He knew better than anyone what a joke that was. The cosmos were a boiling cauldron of chaos, wild and uncontrolled."

Shane discovers he has a power that could give him everything he wants, if he'll only let it.

Rated: Not Rated (T)

Commentary: Listen, I never knew I would need a Star Wars AU, but as it turns out-- I do. This idea of scruffy looking smuggler Shane and believer in the force Ryan is everything I’ve wanted. I love this fic a lot.

The Potion by 1967VivalaKITT

Summary: Basically Shane gets a love potion from a sketchy lady off the street, he puts it in Ryan's water gun and then accidents happen.

Rated: Not Rated (G)

Commentary: Listen, a love potion fic that is not used for sex it’s a big oportunity one can’t let go. I love casual magic in fics and this one is wonderful at it.

But if it's Not Right (What Can I Do?) by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: Ryan Bergara, host of True Crime on Buzzfeed Radio, attracts the wrong person's attention.

A twisted version of Pichiba's radio!au.

Rated: T

Commentary: I LOVE FUCKED UP SHIT, and this one is one of the bests in the fandom. For real, I love this AU and I love how well Joey wrote the sick part of it all. The ending just jfbnfdinfir gave me the chills, it’s damn amazing.

Let's just forget the Hollywood rules by tearupthesky

Summary: Ryan rolls his chair closer to Shane. "Did you hear that, man?" he says under his breath. "That dog hates me, did you hear it growl at me? It almost took my fucking hand off! It could smell the curse. It recognized me with its primordial wolf senses."

"It's a fucking labradoodle," Shane says.

Rated: T

Commentary: Ryan is such a smooth motherfucker in this fic, I love it. There’s a part in which Shane makes a playlist for the main event of the fic and it’s just so fucking funny to read. I love this fic.

It's a Ghost (Snake) by skepticalghouligan

Summary: Ryan's been courting the oblivious Shane for months. Jen comes up with a surefire way to win him over.

Rated: G

Commentary: I’m a sucker for fics with pets, and this one is so sweet-- Ryan is the best, and he deserves all the kisses.

Unconventional by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: …In that moment, [Shane] can’t find an elegant way to ask, “Hey, you’re exceptionally healthy, have a great personality and are well-educated. Want to be my baby’s daddy?”

Shane and Ryan take an unconventional path to parenthood.

Rated: E

Commentary: Trans!Shane. This is one of my favorite fics in the fandom. I just love it, the whole of it, and it explores parenthood for transmen. The author is trans himself and a wonderful person, so they know what they are talking about and I just– he is the author I respect the most right now.

pray to stay by halfwheeze

Summary: Prompt! Okay, imagine this: Shane and Ryan are investigating a house infested with demons, right? And the demons are like 'damn aren't they just cuter than a kitten in a basket?' So they start to purposefully scare Ryan in order to give him and Shane a proper push in the right direction!

Rated: Not Rated (T)

Commentary: This small weird fanfic deserves much more love,it’s so original and just-- so good. I love the POV and the strange story. It’s great.

getting late to give you up by middlecyclone

Summary: Nobody ever becomes a ghost the easy way.

Rated: T

Commentary: The ghost chick in this fic is everything More seer!Shane for the soul.

Mission: Brave New World by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: The Federation's rise to power had started years ago. When the great energy-producing deserts were destroyed, the world powers that depended on them collapsed. And in their wake, the Federation began to rise.

The Federation united all of South America under one banner, and devoured everything in its path as it moved relentlessly to the north. After turning ODIN against us, the Federation stood on the doorstep of America, poised for the kill.

They thought we were weak, crippled; prey waiting to be taken. We fought hard and we fought well. We fought them to a bloody stalemate. And here, just beyond the craters of "No Man's Land", we find ourselves in a defensive war against a more powerful enemy.

Rated: M

Commentary: Ah, man. The racism exposed in this fic is something else, and the way Ryan is written... wow. I love this fic, it’s very cool and interesting, and the boys are badass. And they sort of get married, I love it.

First Anniversary by skepticalghouligan

Summary: Shane's distracted, it's their first anniversary and Ryan doesn't even seem to remember.

Rated: G

Commentary: Such a sweet fic from a very amazing author that I love. I’m a sucker for established relationship fluff and this fic gave me al I need.

Might As Well Fall by middlecyclone

Summary: “I don’t trust this house,” Ryan says. “Something is really, really wrong here.”

Rated: M

Commentary: Fuck, this fic is amazing. It’s one of the best horror fics I’ve read, and while it’s not-- it’s not really scary or something, the tension it builds and the way it shows the boys’ feelings and relationship is incredible well done.

boys and their toys by ficfucker

Summary: some trans!shane for the soul

Rated: E

Commentary: Trans!Shane. I really like the way the writer made their relationship and Shane’s POV is veeery good.

ghosts can't pick up power drills (probably) by anarchetypal

Summary: “What you’re suggesting is that we have sex in the exact spot where a dude was once brutally murdered with a power drill. That is what you’re suggesting to me right now.”

Shane throws up his hands. “Well, sure, when you say it like that, it sounds ridiculous.”

Rated: M

Commentary: Alright, this fic is a lot of fun and I enjoyed it a lot when I read it for the first time. Shane is such a litle shit, it’s amazing.

Would U Be So Kind ? by Lizjames

Summary: There stood Shane Madej with his signature grin on his face

Ryan’s heart sped up and he groaned.

Ryan has feelings, and he doesn’t really know what they are and how to process them.

Rated: T

Commentary: Another poetic piece that blowed me away. The relationship between them is so wonderful and pure, and there is a lot of pool time involved.

breathe for me, baby by literalmetaphor

Summary: Shane loves seeing Ryan freak out.

But not like this.

Rated: T

Commentary: Protective Shane is my favorite Shane, and this fic builds the tension of what will happen at the end pretty good. It’s a very good story.

Maybe, Kinda by babbyspanch

Summary: Ryan is having a tough day. Okay, tough week. Alright it's been a tough few months but he's got it handled okay? He's handed over the editing of Unsolved to a team and now... well he's still distracted, but he's trying.

But, Shane just makes it really hard to focus.

Rated: G

Commentary: Such a sweet fic, man. I love the fluff in this... and the pining!

On Longing and Other Contrite Bullshit by sunshinewinchesters

Summary: All Shane can ever do is long for his ghost-fearing best friend, and apparently be angsty about it until something finally happens.

Rated: T

Commentary: More pining for the soul, and some more deep POVs that sound like poetry, this time from Shane’s view. Also, this fic talks about my city in such good light, I had to love it a bit more.

Removing the Mask by skepticalghouligan

Summary: Shane doesn't believe in luck. But even he has to admit it's a damn good coincidence that he got stuck sleeping in the same bed as Ryan that night.

Rated: G

Commentary: Kids, sometimes when we want to be funny, we end up almost giving our crush a heartattack. But for real, this fic is super tender and I love it.

Panem et Circenses by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: “As a reminder that even the strongest among you cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, on this, the third Quarter Quell games, the male and female tributes are to be reaped from the existing pool of victors from each district-”

Shane felt his world fall away. A cold numbness coursed through his body. His heart leapt in his throat while his stomach dropped to his feet. If not for Ryan beside him, he would have given into his urge to vomit.

Rated: M

Commentary: I was never a Hunger Games kind of girl but I did read the books, this crossover is super interesting and holy shit, it’s savage as fuck. I love it.

~ Multichapters

Someone to Stay by carrieonfighting

Summary: Ryan can't sleep at night, and Shane is an enigma

Rated: T

Chapters: 2/2

Commentary: Oh, man. This two-chapters fic is something else. There is a part in which Ryan puts holy water on Shane’s coffee because he can’t believe the things that are happening between them. The denial is real. Also, it’s just very good.

Me and You by SaturnineMartial

Summary: "Have you ever thought about getting married?""That's a loaded question if I ever heard one.""Never mind, forget I said anything."

Rated: M

Chapters: 2/2

Commentary: The start of a series I’m very interested in. This lovely fic has all I love in my fluff: love, cuteness, marriage proposals and sweet lovemaking.

Foolish Mortal by ghostwheeze

Summary: After a demon encounters a teenage Ryan Bergara on-board the Queen Mary, the spirit decides to follow the entertaining boy around, eventually possessing a vessel to spend even more time with the kid. When they both land their own show where they investigate the paranormal, the demon - Shane - takes glee in watching Ryan try to interact with spirits. If only he knew there was one right next to him.

Rated: T

Chapters: 8/8

Commentary: I will be forever in love with this fic and that one chapter when we got Ryan’s POV and we saw how he came into an understanding of who Shane is, and then-- he found out the truth. This is an mazing fic, a classic in the fandom, and you HAVE to read it.

Oblivion by InkStainsOnMyHands

Summary: Tragic consequences typically follow when a god falls in love with a human. Typically...

Based on the comment:"My theory is that Shane is the devil and was just super bored. Then one day he chanced upon a poor scared Ryan and thought “this is pretty fun” and now follows him to supernatural sights to have a giggle at his expense. But that’s also why they never capture anything on video, because the evil spirits and demons know Shane for who he really is and are too afraid to mess with him."

Rated: E

Chapters: 3/3

Commentary: One of the best AUs out there. Since the beginning, it traps you into the narrative and the way Shane is characterized. The story between him and Ryan is beautiful, this is literally soulmates without it being an AU, they are damn mean to be. This fic is the literal meaning of eternal love.

The Great Heist Of Shane Madej by Cat (ActualBuckyBarnes)

Summary: Have you ever wanted to run away?

Ryan Bergara, local troublemaker and scoundrel, has his whole world turned upside down when he finds out that his best friend, Shane Madej, is being abused by his parents. Ryan spends the next four years of his life trying to get Shane away from his family - but what happens when they finally make it?

A story about being lost, and then being found again.

Rated: M

Chapters: 3/3

Commentary: While I haven’t finished reading this because life is kicking my ass, I’m enjoying it a lot. As an abuse survivor, these are nice things to read.

You're Just What I Needed by doctorkaitlyn

Summary: In which Ryan and Shane first meet (and make out) at a party on the final day of the semester, officially fall for each other over the course of a summer spent two thousand miles apart, and then make out some more, all while having spirited debates about ghosts, cryptids, and whether or not Medieval Times is awesome.

(Spoiler alert: they agree to disagree on all of the above.)

Rated: T

Chapters: 3/3

Commentary: This fic is lovely and warm, I love the way their relationship starts and how it develops as the chapters keep going. It’s a lot of fun to read.

The Ghost Of You Is Close To Me by skepticseptic

Summary: Character A is a spirit medium that has the ability to see and communicate with spirits – the problem with this is that Character A has started to develop a crush on Character B, one of the friendlier spirits that comes to visit Character A.

Rated: T

Chapters: 2/2

Commentary: While this may not have a proper happy ending, I still think it’s happy and sweet. Ghost Shane is… adorable. You’ll see.

Don’t Want it Troubling Your Mind by Crimsonflowerz

Summary: Shane Madej really liked Ryan Bergara. He was funny, a joy to mess with, and took his brand of teasing pretty well. He would consider him a friend, kind of. But when the team goes to investigate the Franklin Castle for ghosts, Shane gets more than he bargained for, and the results could cost him his friendship with Ryan.

Rated: T

Chapters: 7/7

Commentary: One thing that makes this fic so original in its own is the fact that it has such a… charming demon. Anael is fuckig funny, he a bitch-- but so funny. He is evil and you hate him for doing all he does to Shane, the way he plays with his mind, and the three final chapters are just– horrible. But yeah, this fic.. it’s gooood. Also, ace!Shane.

Office Space by skepticalghouligan

Summary: The construction really was only supposed to take a few weeks on Ryan’s office. And it would have - it was a simple expansion and paint job. That was, until Shane Madej got brought onto the project. It only took two days (and three near misses) for Ryan to believe Shane may be trying to kill him. But could it be something else?

Rated: E

Chapters: 19/19

Commentary: Like I said before, this author is one of my favorites and in part it’s because of how well planned and build his fics are. This wonderful story is such a funny yet deep AU I love with all I am.

Hey, nude by y00ti

Summary: Shane drunkenly tries to send a nude to some guy he met on tinder. It doesn’t go as planned.

Rated: Not Rated (I would say T)

Chapters: 3/3

Commentary: I had so much fun reading this fic. I first read it here on tumblr and soon the author posted it on AO3 and it’s glorious. All the pining and the sexual tension... You will laugh a lot.

The Department of Unsolved Cases by trailsofpaper (Sanwall)

Summary: Ryan Bergara hasn’t been an FBI agent for long, but he’s seen enough inexplicable things during his career to know there’s more to the world than meets the eye. He comes up against the stubbornly skeptic Shane Madej, head of the Unsolved Cases department - the basement where low-priority cases go to die.

The case of possible alien abductions and UFO sightings become top-priority very soon however, and Ryan starts to think that maybe Shane has a reason for wanting to stay on the Unsolved Cases even though he used to have a very promising FBI career in front of him.

Come to think of it, maybe Ryan also has his reasons for wanting to stay by Shane’s side even when things get rocky.

Rated: M

Chapters: 10/10

Commentary: I’m on chapter three of this one, and so far, so good. It’s a great adaptation of The X Files and the boys characterization is very good. I’m liking it a lot…

Lost Buttons by Trash4bears

Summary: They have somewhat platonic sex in a haunted place it's as simple as that

Rated: E

Chapters: 3/3

Commentary: There’s nothing platonic about this fanfic, lmao. It’s hot, super dirty, but hot. Chapter three has some of the best positions I’ve read ina while. And dialogues are amazing.

Maelstrom by thewindupbird

Summary: Here’s the thing about driving halfway across the country to see someone. You can’t really deny, after that, that you’re pretty much head over heels for them.

Rated: E

Chapters: 11/11 (complete)

Commentary: Again, I haven’t finished this fic but everyone loves it and I trust the fandom’s good taste. Beides, I read the series before this fic, and they are amazing. I can’t wait to have time and read this; but so far (chapter 4), it’s really good. I aspire to be this good.

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