#compared to tumblr esp bc things get old quickly

[haichengtual]

in all possibilities, only you

(crossposted on instagram @/luvrpdf)

[dont-reblog--i-moved]

Thank you, little side of tumblr.

This post might be pretty heavy for some so tw for depression/mental illness/abuse uwu

It's also really long. Sorry. 😅

🌸

As many of you already know, I struggle a lot with my mental health. Especially living at a time and place where I can't really get the help I desperately need to handle it appropriately. As some of you may not know, I have struggled with my mental health throughout my entire life, stemming from disorders I was born with to several different sources of trauma and abuse during my childhood alone. This all went unchecked and untreated in me until it accumulated into an intense, months long breakdown in 2015/16. It was so bad that I am still very slowly recovering from the nothingness I filled my days with, which caused my brain to lower its tolerance a huge amount to everyday things like fatigue and typical life obstacles. I am so meek and timid compared to how I used to be. Not that I was super confident by any means, but you get my drift.

Now, one of my biggest coping mechanisms has always been little stuff. I never knew anything about littlespace or cgl growing up, so I never had a Daddy or anything like that when I was younger, I can promise you that much. But I did naturally enjoy doing (ns) little stuff like watching Blue's Clues and wearing Yo Gabba Gabba t-shirts in middle school and similar stuff. I did, however, feel like a freak for always really wanting to watch even smaller shows unironically or playing with baby toys and the like. So I avoided getting too deep into it. Still, little things were a very strong and reliable source of comfort for me for most of my life.

That's why I was so ecstatic to find out about cgl a couple years ago. I was already learning about bdsm and d/s dynamics in general, and was already calling my bf Daddy in bed bc it felt good, so connecting all these dots in my life really helped make me feel whole. It made me feel like I wasn't a freak. That I belonged somewhere, and that there were people just like me, who just need a little extra help bc of the cards life had dealt them being so shitty.

Anyway, one of the things I struggle with a lot more now than in the past (or maybe I'm just more aware of it) is sensory overload. I mostly get it from light/sound, but I get it from things around or in front of me moving too quickly as well. Especially if I'm forcing myself to keep up. I sometimes can get to where I can move on that level, but then I can't shut it off when I step away from the fast moving whatever and my anxiety is fucked for a while. Sometimes a long while.

When I got into sex work back in August, I was enjoying it a lot, but Daddy got uncomfortable so I took a break for a bit. He got more comfy with it after I explained some of the aspects in more detail and promised not to overwhelm myself by offering services I wasn't fully confident in doing. This helped me enjoy it a bit more when I got back into it in December. The bad thing tho, is that this is when the nipple purge happened on tumblr, so I was forced to move to Twitter. I deleted my old blog soon after for many reasons, one of the biggest being all the stolen porn I had on there from when I didn't understand the severity of sharing it. :/ So having only my sex work and littlespace Twitter really started eating at me when I realized that it moves so incredibly fast compared to other sites (esp tumblr) and the fact that on Twitter, you are just you. You are not hidden behind a page of pretty aesthetics unless you really work at it. It's catered much more to people who love to blab all day long about whatever they want to talk about. This made me feel pretty vulnerable, and I wound up deleting my ls Twitter bc I disliked it and (some of) the people on it so much.

I was already struggling a lot with a rough seasonal depression on top of my normal disorders, and Twitter littles were really alienating me from littlespace bc of how personal each of them took the different ways people would be little. It was very discouraging, to say the least.

Now that I've stepped away from sw and Twitter for a bit, and plan to stay away for a while, I've found myself falling in love with littlespace things again. Seeing all the cute things here on tumblr, especially seeing how littlespace can help so many of you with your personal issues, has really made me feel closer to home with being little. I'm drawing and coloring more, I'm talking little more, but most importantly, I'm feeling little again. I was so scared I was losing that side of me due to that depression. But more than anything, I think I was investing myself in the wrong type of community. I can't stand the toxic hostility of Twitter. Everything is a witch hunt there. While we do have strong antis here on tumblr, we have what I believe to be an incredibly strong support system as well. I love my fellow littles who show respect, follow rules, and work to educate others, even just thru reblogs. You guys really make me feel like I belong. And when I see y'all talking about handling your stress better thru being little, it makes my heart so very happy and filled with hope. I'm so proud of you all. But I'm also so proud of me, for stepping away from something I thought I needed, and coming back to where I feel needed and appreciated.

So thank you, little friends. Your cute pictures and drawings and colorings and stories and ask games and littlespace ideas are such a huge source of inspiration for me! And I hope my content can be inspiring for you as well.

Let's all love being little together, forever. :) 💖