#comfort character = terrible mental health & going through some absolutely heartbreaking trauma

[fallingin-like]

november 20

back to the start by @fuzzballsheltiepants��� [requested by @nikothespoonklepto]

see which other fics i’m reviewing this month! / my review request post!

containing an injured!andrew who loses all of his recent memories, this fic is has heartbreak and healing. this fic has great pacing and flow, you don’t even notice that you’ve read 30k words until you’re done.

this is an absolutely amazing fic. you did such a great job writing the characters in a way that was in depth and stays really true to them. it was funny, serious, angsty, and fluffy in a way that tied everything together and made it really easy to read. i loved having the opportunity to see andrew fall in love with neil again and see neil really fight to protect andrew.

parts that i especially liked:

”andrew and neil had watched kevin’s interview the night before on exy night in america from andrew’s apartment. neil had spent the ten minutes grinning at kevin’s well-practiced persona while andrew drily commented what they both knew kevin was really thinking” this is so cute! there’s really nothing that brings people together more than making fun of kevin

EXCUSE ME HOW DARE YOU INJURE ANDREW IN THAT WAY

andrew waking up so disoriented and confused and afraid is so heartbreaking. to be brought back to that terrible night, surrounded by strangers, in so much pain. i really cannot handle it, he’s already suffered so much in his life ;-;

ohmygoodness andrew sort of recognizing kevin? is this based on andrew having seen kevin before the club incident or because he’s actually recognizing kevin?

”’did they kill him?’ he asked dully.” ahhh i can feel andrew closing himself off, resigning himself for bad news

”he didn’t know why he was talking, he was revealing too much, he needed to stop but not as  much as he needed to know” i hate seeing andrew so distressed, to the point where he can’t contain himself

”he almost laughed, it was such a ridiculous idea that andrew’s perfect memory could be compromised, but dr. kupra’s face was serious.” oh no, what a terrible and ironic injury, for andrew to lose the memories that he likely actually wanted to keep

what in the world kevin, why would you not call nicky to get him to talk to andrew??

”that voice… it tickled something in his chest” AHH even without his memories, something within andrew recognizes neil, so soft

”and you need to understand that you can’t just start touching him when  he’s asleep” it’s so comforting to know that neil is around to protect andrew while he is extremely vulnerable.

it’s really not surprising that andrew has a panic attack, to learn that you’ve lost seven years of your life? i can’t even imagine how upsetting and scary it would be

ah yes, of course neil forgets to charge his phone

”like i’m worth something, like i matter” oh no i totally forgot that since andrew is back to his 17 year old self it means his mental health is probably a lot worse. oh my goodness 17 is so young! 

”it’s amazing how many words they can say to avoid telling you they don’t know” oh my goodness neil

ANDREW REMEMBERS SOME THINGS, I HAVE HOPE. and it seems like now neil does too!

to hear that they’ve had conversations with andrew that he can’t remember, that they’ve explained the situation to him multiple times already, it sounds hard for anyone, but andrew who is used to his eidetic memory? oof

”this felt more like he had read it in a book, like if he turned the page he would already know what was on the next one, but he couldn’t manage to turn the page. and the next page was important, of that he was sure” wow this description is so so good.

OH NO ANDREW THINKING NEIL AND KEVIN ARE TOGETHER and then “it didn’t seem such an unreasonable question to andrew… the alternative didn’t make sense. the alternative was impossible” ahhh this is so painful, at least neil is not around to hear this.

”that didn’t really surprise neil; he had suspected that andrew had been interested in kevin at some point” ooo i like this

neil talking to andrew’s coach oh my goodness he really can’t help himself. but also it’s his way of caring too, protecting andrew from everyone

ahh i love andrew falling for neil again. “aggression of an eight-pound terrier” THIS IS SO TRUE. picking fights, but too small to actually fight them

”neil was reading on his phone and andrew watched him through his lashes until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore” this is so so sweet, i love being able to see things from andrew’s perspective, he hides so much from the outside that i am always interested in what he’s thinking

”he wouldn’t be the first who thought andrew could be ‘healed,’ whatever that meant.” the thing i like about their relationship is that i think that neil doesn’t think andrew ‘could be healed’. i think neil thinks that andrew doesn’t need healing. that bad things happened to andrew and yes, these things changed him, they shaped him to be the person he is now, but they don’t mean he is broken. uhh i don’t know how to say the words i am thinking. BASICALLY, NEIL DOESN’T THINK ANDREW NEEDS TO CHANGE. HE LIKES (LOVES) HIM AS HE IS

”... but he could still taste his old grief and guilt and fury” ANDREW FEELING GUILT SO MUCH GROWTH

”nicky had been there; he could call nicky, and find out what - who - had broken neil so badly” ahhhhhh i love this!!!

ohmygoodness, all the things that neil is remembering. i love it so much

ugh i want neil to go off on all the people trying to pin down andrew, but at the same time, i guess they had a somewhat reasonable reason for doing what did. BUT STILL THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. andrew has been through so much!!!!

i love these moments of andrew finding out what happened to neil. we get to see his genuine reactions, even what he’s feeling, not just what he’s emoting (which i’m sure is not much). it’s a little different, because although he still feels this emotional connection to neil, he doesn’t understand why, but his reactions are so pure and unfiltered. i love it

”it’s who i am, it’s not something i can forget” I LOVE THIS LINE and i love love love nicky’s reaction. 

ugh, neil fighting to protect andrew is just *clenches fist* so good

okay i love neil, but woah. when he thinks of how lucky he is to have andrew and the first thing that comes up is andREW BREAKING RIKO’S ARM. LOL what a legend

ohmygoodness i forgot that neil is still in school. i really cannot believe that he is able to balance everything, like it’s just so wild to me.

i’m so glad that neil has matt. he has andrew yes, but matt is just a good friend, something that neil has never really had. someone that is openly affectionate and talkative enough to balance neil’s anti-social personality. someone he can go through during these tough times when andrew is not around

NEIL JOSTEN CERTIFIED HOTTIE HAHAH

oh, hearing andrew’s perspective of millport is so good, so interesting

ANDREW ASKING WHICH SCARS ARE FROM HIM ACTUALLY BREAKS MY HEART. nonononono

NEIL ROASTING THE REPORTER IS WHAT I LIVE FOR. but also i’m pretty mad that this guy was able to get into the hospital and approach neil like this. people are so rude and have no sense of privacy somethings UGH

”neil was a trouble magnet. andrew didn’t remember too many specifics, but he knew it with a bone deep certainty” hah

oh, the way that you wrote andrew regaining his memories about riko and drake and maybe easthaven. it’s so impactful seeing it from neil’s perspective. “he watched as that bomb hit, the slow motion ripple effect it had as memories resurface and deductions were made.” your descriptions are so good

the contrast between the texts from the foxes and neil trying to deal with andrew remembering is amazing

it’s so interesting to me the way that the sense of distance between neil and andrew are for different reasons. neil is being so careful not to cross andrew’s boundaries because he doesn’t know what andrew’s okay with, etc. and andrew is still learning about the relationship that he previously shared with neil and doesn’t know where they were at with that, doesn’t know what past him did

oo i love twinyard moments, the bonding. “i didn’t forget you” AHHH i like that they’re so civil now, aaron is probably less stressed (now that he’s not trying to balance school, exy, and the MAFIA) and has matured, he doesn’t repress as much of his emotions maybe. he cares about andrew and both lets himself care about him and allows himself to show it, even if it’s in small ways

so much growth/development to see that neil turns to betsy and actually calls her!! she knows so much about their history, i’d be interested in what kind of relationship neil had with her after their first year

”didn’t know how to tell him that he remembered other things - remembered bits and pieces of meals and drives and games and shared cigarettes on the roof, the weight of neil’s mouth on his own and the feel of his skin, the sound of his hitches of breath. because none of that felt real” THIS IS SO GOOD BUT ALSO HURTS. NEIL IS A PIPE DREAM BUT ANDREW DOESN’T KNOW THAT HE’S ALSO A REALITY TOO

”then neil came out of the bathroom and andrew decided maybe he didn’t hate the girlfriend after all. not if she’d picked out those clothes.” ohmygoodness andrew

”four years. four years since andrew had been nearly torn apart by terror. four years since he had felt that anguished need that seemed so fresh in his memory. and yet neil was still here” THIS IS SO GOOD AHHH

EXCUSE ME HOW DARE YOU BREAK MY HEART LIKE THAT BY SAYING NEIL CAN’T HELP DECIDE WHAT HAPPENS TO NEIL ALSO “everyone but andrew, whose glam intensified” WHAT DOES THIS MEAN AND THEN NEIL SAYING “do you think if andrew cared he wouldn’t let them kick me out in the first place?” AHHHH

oh okay you have redeemed yourself by having aaron and andrew BOTH agree with neil. “look, i might have head trauma but i’m not an idiot” LOL

”andrew wasn’t sure why his stomach clenched, why his fingers dug into the blanket” HHHH HURTS

AARON YELLING WRONG MINYARD YES

oh! so cute to have bonding between andrew, neil, katelyn, and aaron!!

oHH no i forgot that people might hold andrew’s sexuality against him and that makes me so mad

”aaron said mildly ‘out of all the men in this world, why did you have to end up with one who’s too stupid to feed himself?’” LOL

”it would only be a week tomorrow, but it felt like he had always been here, that the rest of his life had been something he’d seen in a movie or read in a book. like this was the only part that was real” oh oh oh. this is so sad, but also it makes so much sense. “it was always like that, though” OH. this, and the rest of the paragraph is so interesting. i love the way that you explain it. and the end of this chapter is so good. it really sets us up for the last chapter and leaves me aching for resolution. for andrew to realise he can and does have this. that it’s real and won’t be taken away from him

i’m a little bit confused about the whole discussion about sexuality and mental illness. why did katelyn misunderstand and what was she thinking? i think i’m just missing something here LOL

”the way andrew hesitated before he nodded meant no, but neil wasn’t going to push him” ugh it’s so good to know that neil can read andrew so well, can tell what he’s not saying, but knows when to push and when to back off.

NO SELF-CONSCIOUS NEIL IS SO SAD

”aaron refusing to sign anything, turning it all over to andrew and neil” aaron is such a complicated character, we don’t get to see him fully explored in the books and i love the way that you used this fic as an opportunity to do so. he cares, but in his own way. even though they have disagreements, at the end of the day, he wants what is best for andrew and i really liked how you portrayed him and throughout this fic.

WHY IS ANDREW SINGING WITHOUT KNOWING

ANDREW KISSING NEIL AND THEN GIVING THE PAPARAZZI THE MIDDLE FINGER IS THE BEST THING

i love that you have parts of this fic from andrew’s perspective. it’s so so interesting to see his honest reactions to memories and people and to experience his introspection. and it’s not super obvious, but i love that with perspective shifts, we also see your writing style adjust to reflect that. you handled this whole fic so well, there was a great balance between humour, softness, and angst that made me really enjoy reading this. 

you did such a good job with the characterization, it was so wonderful seeing andrew rebuild his relationships and fall for neil again, the interactions between everyone (including your OCs). i appreciate that, although andrew and neil have kind of re-established their relationship (they both know that they like each other and are comfortable with each other), there’s still some sort of distance. things are still a little bit off and they still have work to do to continue to learn each other. it keeps things realistic and, for some reason, brings me closure. this is such a significant event for both of them and things are different because of that and i’m glad you didn’t ignore that aspect of it. this was just such a wonderful fic, thank you so much for writing it!!

[wallofweird]

This Is Us Q&A

Thanks @madsdefencesquad for tagging me. :)

1. The first character I first fell in love with:

Dr. Nathan Katowski. He just seemed to be such a charismatic, generous, wise and kind person and the way he comforted those two nervous young people (Jack and Rebecca) who were entering parenthood for the very first time was simply beautiful. Specially because nowadays some doctors are so arrogant and cold that make you feel so bad to the point of almost apologizing for needing their care (not most though, we have real life heroes out there on the front line of the COVID-19 pandemic and I’m forever thankful for them!). Anyway, it was pleasant to see a character with so much heart. Now the first regular character I fell in love with was Randall. He was just so relatable and Sterling and the writers really managed to show all the affliction he kept inside from early on. All the things he had accumulated through the years, with the questions about his biological parents, his identity, finding out that William was dying the same day he met him and everything... Even before we got to dive into that story, you could see it in his eyes. And I empathized with him immediately.

2. The character I never expected to love as much as I do now:

Kevin. I used to find him very annoying and self-centered and now I’m eating my words, but I guess that’s always been the writers intention: to show a character that came off as really shallow and immature and slowly change our minds about him. It definitely worked. My opinion about him started to change on the ‘Number One’ episode. It broke my heart to see what he was going through, specially when he lost the only thing he had left from Jack. That was hard to watch. And now that I’m rewatching the show, I can get his actions a lot better now and see that a lot of the stuff I used to hate came from his insecurities. So I’ve changed my mind about his behavior on the first episodes and I’m enjoying seeing him back then as well. I can see the bigger picture now.

3. The character everyone else loves that I don’t:

Cassidy. I don’t really believe there’s a consensus about her, it looks like the opinions are pretty balanced, but I’m not a fan of her. I wouldn’t say I hate Cassidy, but I don’t really like her. Like, the other characters can get me to laugh and cry so easily, but she doesn’t make me feel anything? She looks kind of cold to me, which I can understand it probably has something to with being in the military and the things she had to experience and do, but even with the whole drama with her son and husband... It's just never given me the same emotion I use to get from the other characters. Also, I really wanted the first half of the season to be only about Kevin and his uncle, but they threw a stranger in it and played with the idea of putting Kevin and Cassidy together the whole time. I just wanted to see their dynamic without anybody’s interference, specially because I haven’t got the point of her presence yet. I believe Kevin and Nicky would’ve done just fine in their journey to sobriety without her and I don’t really think the woman will marry any of them. I hope there’s something bigger planned for her that will explain her addition to the show, because I don’t really get it. So far it just looks like she’s there to mislead us with the whole “who is Kevin’s wife?” mystery.

4. The character I love that everyone else hates:

Madison. I wouldn’t say everybody hates her, for me the public has mixed opinions about her? I’ve seen people who hate her, who are indifferent, who like her and think she’s funny and people who love her. However, I do believe she deserves more praise. I think she’s kind of in the same situation Kevin used to be a few years ago. A lot of people have a pre-fabricated idea of Madison and see her as someone shallow and immature. Madison has always been there for Kate, even when she was nothing but rude to her. When Kate hit her car (I know it was accidentally, but still), Madison got over it the second she learned Kate was pregnant. She immediately forgot about her car and was filled with nothing but joy after hearing the news. Madison also helped Kate to enjoy the process of finding her wedding dress, staying positive with her second pregnancy after the previous miscarriage... She’s been there through thick and thin. And she is so loving, selfless and strong that was willing to raise her twins and go through all of that by herself to avoid getting in the way of Kevin finding his great love story. How can somebody not admire that? Even if you don’t like her, because that’s understandable and sometimes a character just doesn’t resonate with us, there’s absolutely no reason to hate or criticize her personality and actions. Madison is very underrated, but she is an amazing person. I just don’t understand why people have changed their minds about Kevin after seeing his struggles and evolution, but won’t do the same with her. The only difference here is the amount of screentime they have and the gender, because they’re both great people. I really don’t get it.

5. The character I used to love but don’t any longer:

One of the great things about this show is that I’ve never stopped loving any of the characters. There are characters I don’t really like, there are characters that have grown on me, but the opposite has never happen. However, I am a little angry with Randall and Kevin after that fight. I won’t defend any of them. They were both terrible to each other. 

I get where they’re both coming from when it comes to how they deal with Rebecca’s health. It’s understandable wanting to save your mother. It’s understandable wanting her to enjoy the time she has left. There is no right or wrong decision in these situations. And a lot of how they deal with it comes from their personalities and traumas. They both have this hole in their lives because of losing Jack. Randall blames himself and thinks about what life would’ve been if he hadn’t died every single day. His anxiety also plays a role in how he process everything. It’s consuming. On the other hand, Kevin regrets not having spent as much time with his father as he could’ve had. He’s also already gone through therapy, is a year sober and attending the AA meetings regularly... He can see things more clearly than Randall right now. So I don’t judge either of them for how they approach to the situation. Still, Randall should’ve respected Rebecca’s decision. Period. He was selfish and I can’t defend what he did. I can understand why he did it and I didn’t really see it as him manipulating his mother, for me it was more of a desperate moment, when he was telling Rebecca he cannot handle losing her. Not that Kevin and Kate can handle losing their mother, but he’s clearly overwhelmed with the whole situation, while Kevin and Kate are at a better mental state and looking at things with more serenity.

However, regarding their fight, Kevin’s got some fault too. I’m sure they didn’t mean anything they said to one another, they just happened to know each other’s deepest wounds and wanted to rub them. It was painful to watch. Kevin knows Randall feels guilty for letting Jack walk back into the house. Randall knows Kevin feels guilty for not being there. Kevin knows Randall have never felt liked he completely fitted in, because he was abandoned by his biological father and adopted only after Rebecca and Jack lost a child. He’s always felt a little lost or as a replacement to Kyle. And Randall knows Kevin is self-conscious and feels like people don’t take him seriously or believe he can be responsible. It was heartbreaking and cruel. And I’m rewatching season 1 and recently saw the episode where they finally begin to grow closer and there is this scene where Randall says:

“[Mom] showered me with attention. Took my side more often than not. And I ate every bit of her love up. Ate it up like Pac-Man. You know why? Because the one person I wanted it from the mo..

[...]

You know, back there with those people, it's the first time in 36 years you've said the words, ‘he's my brother’, [as] claiming me.”

I’ve also just finished the episode where it shows young Randall having a nervous breakdown and Kevin ignoring him. Kevin and Randall did have some good moments growing up, but for most of it they weren’t close and Randall was the one who tried the harder to change that. It took them over 30 years to get to a place where they finally acted like brothers on a regular basis and now they have both ruined all of that progress. So I can’t really pick sides and blame one of them when it comes to that fight. They were both terrible. However, I’m just a little more disappointed with Randall because he interfered in Rebecca’s decision.

6. The character I would totally smooch:

Kevin. Justin Hartley just happens to be on my Male Celebrity Crush Top 2, so...

7. The character I’d want to be like:

Beth. She’s smart, successful, funny, wise and beautiful, I’d like to have at least 30% of that awesomeness. 

8. The character I’d slap:

Marc.

9. A pairing that I love:

Jack and Rebecca. Their love story, even with its ups and downs, remains epic. One for the ages, indeed. 

Still, I really miss a slowburn ship. We’ve had Jack and Rebecca, Kate and Toby, Randall and Beth since the very beginning. They were all love at first sight. They got together pretty quickly. I miss a ship that I can see go through all of those basic stages, like meeting, becoming friends and falling in love. I miss seeing a character pining for another and being a little bit jealous of them. I miss watching the scenes with the lingering looks, deep breaths, both staring at each other when the other isn’t noticing... All this tension building up until the moment it just explodes. Like, give me angst scenes! Give me a scene where they are hugging so tight and not wanting to let go and Character A can’t resist it anymore and kisses character B as if their his/her depended on it. Give me rain kisses. Give me character A pining for character B, but doubting that B feels the same way. Give me B being just as insanely in love as A and feeling frustrated whenever they’re around someone else. Give me character B being unconsciously jealous and fighting with character A. Give me A blurting out that he/she is in love with B and a passionate kiss. I know it’s cliché, but there is a reason why everyone loves scenes like these: they work. And This Is Us needs stuff like that. Hopefully Kevin and Madison can fill this gap, since I’m already in love with their potential. ;)

10. A pairing that I despise:

Kevin and Sophie. I genuinely have nothing against Sophie, she is a good person and she deserves happiness. If anything, Kevin was the one who wronged her. However, I can’t help sighing and rolling my eyes whenever she shows up or her name is mentioned on the show. I’m just tired at this point. I’ve never saw the appeal of it. I’m usually a slowburn kind of shipper, but I still have my ‘love at first sight’ otps. This one, however, never really convinced me. First, I don’t see the chemistry at all (in any timeline). Second, he’s cheated on her twice. Plus, the second time they were together, Kevin had fallen back into drinking and she didn’t even realize the seriousness of the situation. I’m not saying it was her fault or responsibility, because that’s a real problem and what Kevin needed was professional help. Also, he lied to her and broke Sophie’s heart again in the process, so I can empathize with her. Still, the fact that Sophie couldn’t see what was going on and they were never able to go through it together, whether it was his treatment, or the long distance or any real obstacle just proves to me they don’t work. They simply couldn’t work together. And Kevin has moved on. He moved on from her and genuinely fell in love with Zoe. They broke up because they wanted different things, but their relationship was real. So, the way I see it, the fact that he suddenly wants another ‘crack at it’ with Sophie, it’s just a result of his frustration. Kevin is so desperate to have his own great love story and children, that he is trying to get it from strangers on coffee shops or any ex-girlfriend that will reach out to him. He’s not thinking things through, but hopefully he will let life takes it course and find find them naturally, without forcing anything or insisting on relationships that have proved multiple times that weren’t the right fit for him. I also don’t really like when characters appear with the solely purpose to be someone’s love interest, I like seeing them in their own element and their dynamic with other characters. Like, even though each Pearson has their immediate family, we’ve seen bits of Beth and Rebecca, Toby and Kevin, Beth and Zoe, Kate and Madison (who at this point I’m pretty sure is Kevin’s fiancée)... Sophie wasn’t fully integrated into the family during their second attempt at a relationship, so that’s another reason for me not to like this ship.

I don’t wanna tag anyone specifically because I’m afraid I might forget someone, so anyone who wants to do this thing, just go for it. I’d love to see your answers. :)