#comes of making the most interpersonally insane guys i could think of i guess

[spellsparkler]

the most fun thing to do when writing bg3 things is making everything terrible that happens to everyone about my terrible guys instead. these assholes are trying to hog all the trauma

[carbootsoul]

erika+ephriam+lyon for ask game 👀? and a witch hat character of your choosing if you like as well :3v

omg clint you're spoiling me :) also this is mostly unrelated but i was listening to kat flint today and a) her music is so good thank u for introducing it to me years ago and b) VERY witch hat atelier vibes which was fun. im putting my answers under a cut bc i am sooo verbose about characters

eirika: a song that reminds me of them: this is just the first that came to mind but oh what a world by rufus wainwright! oh what a world my parents gave me / always traveling but not in love. the rly interesting mix of idealism and pragmatism that she embodies- both being in awe of and in love with the world and the people in it but also not hesitating to accept that they are in a war and the tragedies that come with it what they smell like: i think for most of the game she smells like sweat and dirt an otp: eirika and l'arachel is actually the best ship in the whole entire world they're sooo funny. they keep meeting and every time eirika is like ???? and l'arachel is just falling head over heels in love a notp: eirika and lyon romance honestly very textually relevant in the game and adds to the story and whatever but they're both so absolutely homosexual that i can't conceptualize it favorite platonic/familial relationships: eirika and ephraim 🥺🥺 but also eirika and seth he's such a good big brother figure!! but also eirika and colm and eirika and tana and eirika and lyon. it's like.. rag tag army as family.. a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: there are like two posts about her on tumblr dot com but her fire emblem heroes characterization makes me insane shut up about your brother shut up about your brother the position they sleep in: on her side one leg curled to her chest

ephraim a song that reminds me of them: omg lies by marina abt his relationship with lyon. you're too proud to say that you made a mistake / you're a coward till the end i really wish we had been able to see more of ephraims reaction to the true story of what happened with lyon, since he obviously forgives him but also seems to be angry about it and that's such a good dynamic. also oc can't let you go / i just want it to be perfect / to believe it's all been worth the fight. they make me... ugh what they smell like: he has also been living in tents for months so he probably also smells like horses and sweat an otp: ephraim and lyon do get to me... 🥺 also he and innes as a like teenage fling is hilarious to me they're so funny to each other i can't believe they don't have supports a notp: if i ever see another incest joke i'm killing someone favorite platonic/familial relationships: he and his sister are so good!! they're so siblings! a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: again i have never rly interacted with the fe fandom but something from canon i disagree with is the assignment of the sun to him and the moon to his sister he is so obviously the lunar twin im furious abt this the position they sleep in: absolutely sprawled out. he takes up as much space as is given to him

lyon a song that reminds me of them: ache with me by against me just happened to be playing rn but it's very him. do you share the same sense of defeat / have you realized all the things you'll never be / ideals turn to resentment, open minds close up with cynicism / i've got no judgement for you / come on and ache with me. what they smell like: roses but in a fucked up revolutionary girl utena way like the roses symbolize something sinister an otp: lyon and ephraim.. admittedly lyon is kind of carrying why this ship is compelling with his tragic backstory but ephraim is such a boy so he's important too a notp: see eirika :/ favorite platonic/familial relationships: he and eirika and ephraim as a unit are so important to me they are so [unintelligible] a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: i haven't rly seen this much but i guess any tendency to soft-boy him bc of his character design like this guy sucks a lot and he has a lot of flaws that almost ended the world :/ the position they sleep in: hugging a pillow

and for the wha character.. agott bc she's so girl :) a song that reminds me of them: pretty little things by the crane wives! but trust is now something i make people earn / so i'm not inclined to just give it away / to a pair of blue eyes with some nice things to say what they smell like: grass in the best way possible! an otp: she and coco are SO !! im in love with them. sasunaru dynamic but better in every way. all the panels of coco hugging or complimenting agott and agott blushing furiously are the new wonders of the world. shipping kids in media always feels a little weird but i think they're a rly cute like first crush dynamic a notp: i dont think she's been shipped with anyone else lol favorite platonic/familial relationships: agott and olruggio are rly interesting to me! i've probably just drawn lines between them because they're both grumpy but i could definitely see agott becoming for coco what olruggio is for qifrey and i love when children are friends with their adult narrative foil it's about helping the younger generation overcome the things that they couldn't! it's also about olruggio being able to connect with agott because they're both grumpy :) a headcanon that is popular in the fandom but that i disagree with: not a headcanon bc again the fandom is tiny but so much of her tag is ppl being mean to her about what she did in the second (?) volume like yeah that was mean but she's like 12! 12 year olds do fucked up stuff all the time they're still learning what interpersonal relationships are the position they sleep in: on her stomach clutching her pillow a crossover au i’d love to see them in: anything that would allow her to say swear words my favorite outfit they’ve ever worn: the like single panel where tetia is getting mad at her about not liking wearing costumes and it shows her dressed as a prince! she looks so good

djskflj i feel like i wrote a novel about each of them and tbh i do not know if u will make any sense out of it but thank u for sending this it was super fun to think about them for a while!!!

[drawbauchery]

The First Session

(fic by cartoons-tothemoon)

Skipper couldn’t believe he was doing this. He couldn’t believe he was actually doing this.

It had been a few months since he had gotten kidnapped by the odd bird that made him Denmark’s Public Enemy #1, and now, was he really sneaking out for a THERAPY session from the guy? It seemed downright insane of him.

He knew that Rico wasn’t convinced of any of his excuses, but didn’t care enough to question him.

Kowalski was suspicious, but that was only because Skipper never went out for casual reasons. There was always a mission to be had with him, to go out for a night on the town by himself…pretty uncharacteristic to begin with.

And Private seemed to know all his odd tics and tats as is, so lying to the kid never seemed to register as believable, even if all his ducks were in a row to begin with.

Regardless, he was out of the house, and that was all that mattered at this point.

Or so, Hans said.

“What matters is you’re here now.” He said with a smile. “You know, when I suggested it all those months ago, I thought you had forgotten, or disregarded the idea entirely.”

Skipper wasn’t really sure what lead to him being stuck inside a periwinkle room about as big as a walk-in closet, one that was lined with wooden cut-outs of boats it looked like Hans picked out from the craft store, but undeniably, he was there. Physically anyhow.

He didn’t even know what lead him here to begin with, it’s not like he really WANTED to be here. The last thing he’d want to be on a night like tonight was schmoozing with Hans, or any night for that matter. And besides, that was the past. This was now. What was he doing there?

“Well, what can I say, doc.” Skipper said. “I already have an in with a therapist with you AND you work for peanuts. It’s a win-win don’t you think?”

“Consider it a…friends and family discount?”

“So do you consider us friends or family?”

“That depends. What do you consider us? This is all about you, you know.”

Skipper rolled his eyes at that. He wasn’t attending this therapy session actually looking to be HELPED. He just knew that if he took him up on his offer he might get some insight into what was going on with him. Not for his sake, of course, but just so Skipper didn’t have to deal with him all the time. Sometimes, it was easier to concede than it was to fight all of the time.

It was the same reason that he’d sometimes watch those girly cartoons with Private sometimes. It wasn’t because he liked them, it was because Private would pout if SOMEBODY didn’t, and that usually fell on him.

“What’s the difference?”

“I’d say that’s defined by you, but we don’t have to go down this train of thought if you find it uncomfortable.”

“I don’t. You’re just boring about it. Your job is to talk to sad sacks for a living, I’d hope you’d be just a tad better at it.”

“So, are you defining yourself as a ‘sad sack’ under that definition?”

He crossed his arms in defiance and scoffed at such an idea, refusing to look at him. This whole therapy thing was irritating to him. It felt like Hans was getting away easy, only asking questions of him, waiting for him to reveal more and more so he’d have enough info to use against him. Well, loose lips sink ships, and he wasn’t going to talk any more than he was required.

Even if the scribbling pen scratch of “defensive posture” and “erratic eye-contact” in his notes made Skipper’s skin crawl.

“Let’s get back on track, there is a structure to all this after all.” Skipper’s eyes darted back to his, suspicious and squinty to Hans’s relaxed and half-open. “Normally, during first sessions like this, you would introduce what you consider a form of normalcy to me. Your family, childhood, home life, etcetera, etcetera, but I understand that you wouldn’t want to share that with me. I also know that given the basis of your life, your…missions, and whatnot, you probably don’t want to share that information, let alone with me.”

“Huh. So I guess you found yourself in a rock and a hard place, doc.” Skipper couldn’t help but let a smirk crawl onto his face.

“I guess I have.” Hans said, gravely. “Now, there are two ways we could go about this. You could share with me what you’re dealing with, just cut out any details you wouldn’t want me to hear about-“

“-Hard pass.”

“OR, I could give you a psychological profile now based on previous interactions, and what you’ve displayed in here tonight.”

“Displayed in here tonight?” Skipper asked. “We’ve only been at this for 15 minutes. What could you have possibly learned within 15 minutes?”

“Would you like to know?”

Hans knew this was the best way to get through to Skipper. He was a stubborn bird, a strategist, and rather cunning, but he was also rather short-sighted and narrow-minded. Skipper probably wasn’t ever going to see Hans as an emotional outlet for anything, let alone overnight. However, if he framed this competitively, as a tip of “hey, this is what I learned about you, keep this in mind so others don’t learn this about you,” he might concede at the very least. Well, never concede, but compromise.

He liked a lot of these things about Skipper. He couldn’t help but wonder if Skipper liked anything about him, or knew him just as well. He probably knew the answer to that, deep, deep, down, but such is life.

“Let’s start with a foundation for us to work from. You’re neurotic.”

Skipper looked as if he was going to raise his voice and object to that.

“Ah, ah, ah. Let me elaborate.”

Skipper slumped back into his seat, rolling his eyes. He had been doing that a lot tonight.

“You’re known for being a rather neurotic, paranoid individual. You go through life looking over your shoulder, assuming the worst, probably because for most of your life there has been something over your shoulder. That vindicates you, but also leaves you short-sighted in the long-term as the most minor of stresses can lead to fits of anxiety that can carry on from the span of hours to days or even weeks. However, your anxiety manifests as more often aggression or insomnia than the idea most people have of anxiety of rocking back and forth in a ball in the corner, so it generally goes undetected as anxiety in the first place.”

“On some level, it’s likely that you’re paranoia comes from your over-independence, in which you believe that you are the only capable person in the room, which is kinda rich coming from the leader of a team. Sure, you’re able to work off your team’s strengths and you strategize both around and for them, but, when you can work alone, you often do. The team is well aware of your solo missions, and I’m well aware of our time together in Denmark. On some level this comes from your egotism, but I’m guessing even that masks insecurity, but more so, I believe that somebody must’ve let you down in the past, and they, or you, suffered immensely for it. You took it as a lesson. So, to protect others as well as yourself, you act out. When a mission isn’t going your way, you separate. You believe in the idea of strength in numbers, but you also believe you can be that strong alone on some level.”

“How am I doing so far?”

Skipper looked stunned. He wasn’t looking at Hans at all, his arms had long since uncrossed, but now his fingers danced at his sides. He wanted to fidget, to pull at his lip, but the last thing he wanted to do was give Hans more ammo against him.

“If you want me to stop, let me know. Nod your head yes if you want me to stop.”

Skipper hesitated, but shook his head no. A look of derision was sent Hans’s way, but he ignored it.

“Well, then. Let’s continue, shall we?”

“I suppose there’s only so much left to say. I could talk about how often you act outside of the law, thinking that it doesn’t apply to you, but we both know that we’d be calling the kettle black at that point, even if Officer X’s no tolerance policies are so goody-goody they fall into lawlessness. My knowledge of your interpersonal relationships is slim, so trying to characterize them at all would be more assumption than astute knowledge, but I do pick up on the fact that you don’t have many friends outside of the people you’re working with, however, by choice or by circumstance, who’s to say. However, your relationship with Private is fascinating, as you seem to show more open positive feelings or affection with him than anyone else on your team, or anyone else for that matter. Affection is a strong word, but I’m going to use it. You act kinder, more patient with him, and in return, he seems to make you more vulnerable.”

Skipper twitched at that. Must’ve touched a nerve. He’s certain he’s probably touched a lot of nerves, but he’s probably used to at least some of them being poked and prodded. Just not this one. Or perhaps it’s a more sensitive flesh wound? Semantics.

“Again, I don’t know enough to make assumptions.” Hans shrugged passively, back-tracking.

“But let’s move onto what I was able to learn in the first fifteen minutes. You’re not supposed to be here. Or, at the very least, you lied about being here. You were very hasty and fettered, and took you a few moments to relax, even if you still haven’t fully, it’s more than you were when you first arrived. You then proceeded to lash out at me and crack wise, indicating that you were defensive, though this would later be supported by your posture. You’ve given every indication from the moment that you walked through the door that you do not want to be here, everything from belittling my salary to belittling my profession to belittling me. You don’t make eye contact, you don’t sit up straight, you don’t show me so much as an ounce of respect.”

“But, here’s the thing. You still came here. Even if it was only out of curiosity, or just to make fun of me on my own turf, you still came. I’ve been transparent this entire time about what I planned to do if you came here, and that is my job. And you came anyway.”

“I think that means something. I think on some level, you’re self-aware. You know what people think of you, and you know what you think of yourself. Somehow, you must’ve put two and two together, and realized something about yourself that you wanted to change. Or, at the very least, wanted to fix.”

“And so, you came.”

Hans took a sip from his water bottle, and looked to Skipper. He looked tired. He also looked like he wanted to cross his arms again, but worried about what that would say about him. Hans couldn’t help but feel a twinge of guilt.

“Skipper, I want to help you, and I think you want to be helped as well, but I can only give as much as you yourself give me. If you give me nothing, I’ll have nothing to work with, and this’ll be a waste of both of our time. Speaking of which, looks like our times up.” Hans said, looking to his watch. “You can pay at the front desk, I’ll walk you there.”

Skipper stood. He felt like he was more troubled than when he walked through the door. He didn’t know what he was looking for from therapy, but the last thing he was thinking would happen was for Hans to do his job. Maybe he was hoping he’d just look at him and be like, “wow, you live like this?” and prescribe him some Xanax, and then he’d be on his way. But no.

This was the one time Hans wasn’t going to be easy.

He settled for crossing his arms behind his back, at last. It looked formal, but also gave him a way he could hold himself after having his defenses utterly ripped from him. Hans noted this, but didn’t say anything. Skipper dropped the $35 to the lady behind the desk who seemed far too enamored with her computer to even register the wad of bills being dropped onto her keyboard. The two left the office complex together, something Skipper knew he wouldn’t have done a mere hour before.

The sky was pitch black, and based on the lack of light that usually seemed to crowd their view, it looked like the city that never sleeps finally decided to take a breather. If only for this brief moment as Hans and him looked up at the night sky and Hans pulled a lollipop out of the pocket of his pants.

When Skipper looked at it, seemingly inquisitively, Hans merely remarked, “had to quit smoking some time.”

They stood in silence for a few minutes.

“I wonder what I’m going to say to the boys when I get home.”

“That’s on you, bud. You don’t have to tell them you’re seeing me, but what’s wrong with telling them you’re seeing a shrink in the first place?”

“Save that for the second session, doc.” Skipper elbowed him, smirking. “You’ve already deconstructed my main personality traits, at least let me have this while I can.”

“Does that imply there will be a second session?”

Skipper was still smirking, though the light from his eyes seemed to dim.

“I guess we’ll have to see.” He shrugged. And that was that. Skipper began his covert walk home. There was no goodbye, no “drive safe,” not even a “I’ll get you for this” like they had in the good old days, things just seemed to…end. Hans noticed it, but didn’t take it seriously. Skipper wasn’t that kind of guy, though he wondered how he’d be able to even be in a relationship with the cutesy doe-eyed Private if he couldn’t even vocalize the slightest bit of care to an old friend like himself. He wondered how he even planned on going about such a thing in the first place. He had to, right?

(We had to see the return of therapist Hans sometime, right? I should’ve titled this “Skipper gets psychoanalyzed” or “Skipper gets vibe-checked by his psychiatrist twink ex,” but…why do that when I can just choose A Sentence I Use Within The Text To Really Pull The Piece Together. “…somebody must’ve let you down in the past, and they, or you, suffered immensely for it” was about Manfredi and Johnson!! I hope you guys were able to catch it. Also I’m so sorry, I don’t usually hear the dialogue in the character’s voices when I read it back but imagining all that psychoanalysis in Hans’s voice is so funny I’m sorry.)

(I’ve also been considering making an ao3, just so I can archive a lot of these fics. What do you think?)

[d0ntw0rrybehappy]

i’m going insane lol

so i feel like the next step in working hard is to not even perceive the work i’m doing as tiring. (rereading this it’s making me lol.) it seems weird that i find a part time job at a restaurant this exhausting? and like i can’t pretend that i’m not tired, but i have to somehow take better care of myself and set the conditions to not be tired from it.

i’ve been thinking about baudrillard/barthes a lot still -- pleasantly surprised that their theories are interesting to apply to any- and everything. for example, they both go into how every statement can also be read as its opposite or negation. so, to quote baudrillard, saying “i am not afraid of communism” also implies that communism is something you should be afraid of.

i’ve been using this as a kind of paranoid way to gain insight into why people tell me that i am “strong” because i don’t really know what that means. (other things i am told i am often: sweet, intense). it’s like what they’re saying is, there’s some kind of context, a milieu of weak people i’m being compared to. or like they want to reassure me that i am strong, because i actually come across as how i feel: like a particularly lost, unstable, emotional, sensitive, and lonely person.

i can’t with restaurant work anymore. it. SUCKS. i want to fucking get out, i am like a rat scrabbling at the walls of a glass aquarium. all novelty has worn off, all misguided overtures of honest work or “people skills.” and i’m still stuck here, still holding my breath in the deep end until i can find the eject button. i am tired, my body aches. my body aches!!

i want to just grind my way out (here we are with barthes again -- well if you truly wanted to do that you’d just shut the fuck up and do it instead of writing about it), but here i am, eating another round of chocolate (i don’t smoke, i don’t have sex, i truly just eat), constantly fucking hungry. then like a bull mowing into a red flag i realize i have been grinding...in a completely useless direction. it is like my passion for learning about things gets scattered every which way and i just can’t start, every path is equally exciting and awful and the injunction to “choose” is not “clicking” in my “head.” it’s like my mind cracked open at some point in my teenage years (when i started smoking weed, when my child universe was decisively fractured by a friend) and now the crack is snowing fireworks and glitter and i shift in and out of unreality. 

reality is almost too painful to bear. nobody’s happy: you can find contentment by accepting your current lot, but “happiness" is really just contrast or relief from pain. it comes in and out. most people are too lazy or small-minded or too busy complaining to feel content, or their lives are just too twiggy, got too long in the wrong direction or are just too fucking hard. i guess i still am happy, and still love life, in a sort of ferocious and bloody and hungry way. 

love is bleak, though. i barely even know how to define it anymore. (culture defines a love which we yearn for; we experience “love” insofar as our real love fleetingly resembles this model, only to come up short -- baudrillard). re: love, to use my mom’s favorite school-of-hard-knocks memory device for the laws of thermodynamics -- a subject she took? -- you can’t win, you can’t break even, you can’t get outta the game (and death and taxes). you are going to get royally FUCKED by love just like everybody else, and you are STILL gonna play, you beautiful mortal fool. like the tarot cards lauren dealt me, putting away the three cards she’d used to describe my near future and then flipping through the entire deck, picture side up, without realizing that i was quietly watching it describe my whole entire life -- clinging at the edge of my seat to see some eventual combination that spelled good, strong, lasting love and seeing only struggle, happiness, struggle, pain, struggle, and finally ending, at my death, in a small statue made of gold. 

see also, other realities i hate to swallow: nearly all interpersonal problems are insurmountable and better left undealt with, and work basically sucks unless you are very lucky and very smart. 

work. let’s go back to that. i used to think my work would be respected off its merit; now i see the merit in literally fucking my way up. i wonder if i should even be an artist at all. artists are kinda like showponies or whores; they’re not actually important. the more honest and wonderful they are, the less important they probably are, like schoolteachers. they have an impact on an individual level. but on a societal level, you have no control as an artist. you just get played by bigger fish. better to find a way to have your hands on the gears; that way you have a shot at making a higher-order change to society. but alas, the (capitalist) system is totally out of everyone’s hands and will keep running as usual no matter what you do, still savage in equal amounts, i think. doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. but at this point i’d give a toe or finger to work for someplace like youtube. at least it’s reached critical mass where i could do something cool and make a difference with emerging media. 

that or i pander to whatever blathering brain-melting slop, drivel, they’re putting on tv for kids and adults. or manage to convince a smaller nonprofit that i am “good at talking to people from diverse socioeconomic backgrounds,” whatever the hell that fucking means. or maybe, ugh god, i’ll work for an ad agency? or do digital strategy? and um, i could say some shit about how capitalism is darwinism and money is a form of social control that works so well because it’s out of the hands of any individual person, and i should probably just stick with art and believe in it, and maybe like, apply for grants. but i want a job, a full-time job. i want stability and enough money that i don't feel guilty buying new underwear and i don't want to hustle to keep the tap running month-to-month and i want to spend the majority of my time doing something i find fulfilling. and soon enough i'll get that, and all my dreams will come true: i’m going to get married and become a fat mom taking my kids to piano practice and saying “the meeting went on forever today,” and i’ll have a husband who never cleans the house enough, and then we’ll get divorced and he’ll find someone 20 years younger and i’ll live out the rest of my years semi-happily alone and i don’t know how i will ever have time to make art again. or if i do i just hope it’s not hobby-like, second-rate.

i wish i could have (feel) the bare-faced honesty and love of sha’carri richardson hugging her grandmother after she worked her ass off for a race. instead everything is this weird simulation where i never feel like i love anybody enough or like i’m working hard enough. i can’t speak honestly except when i am writing about myself (strong, sweet, intense, narcissistic) or things i have noticed, as directed to my own imaginary friend. when i try to communicate irl (or, worst of all, “be real”) it’s all so overthought, overwrought, self-conscious. the only person who knows my real private self is the girl winking at me on my black lives matter poster. i hope she doesn’t mind being here in my room. ducky, the stuffed animal brandon gave me, was also supportive but i put him away because it seemed bad to tell future guys that my stuffed animal is “the child of divorce.” and now /you guys/ know me a little bit, because i took the time to pretend you were all my imaginary friend, my dearest pen pal who laughs at all my jokes and gets all my references, and stopped pretending i was anything besides what’s written here. 

and i think, like, a lot of people now live in this weird simulation? and are so confused about romantic and familial love to the point where everyone is getting off on family members fucking each other and can’t decide if it’s normal to think kids are hot? but i guess that was always some weird fucked-up demon side of human existence? another thing i’m supposed to accept. (also sorry trigger warning.) and another thing i took for granted as a child, that most people, if not everyone, is weird/gross/evil, but now that my mind is cracked this shocks me all over again and i seek some sort of explanation. it’s like i can’t find a real hunk of closeness anywhere. i’m close to my own family, but in my other relationships we’re either too distant or too close and i’m desperately searching for just some normal friends. and to be able to give a speech where i tell someone i really love them and for it to ring true. but i try to be grateful that i live in driving distance to the beach and there’s air conditioning and once i stop being a stupid baby there’s probably more friends and work and stuff out there for me. and then i’ll have some new problem.

[c-k-mack]

Between Us - Chapter 7

[meandmymentalhealth67220]

I feel like the trauma that was induced in me... is induced the right word? Maybe incepted is better? It was an altering of my mind and ways of thinking, to be fair. Anyway, I feel like the trauma I suffered has led my brain to found a connection to people that might not have been remotely good for me for a variety of reasons. This process may mean that my brain struggles with moving on from those past relationships for a variety of reasons, even if they are long over, even if they were always damaging, even if they caused me pain, and even if I am better without them.

They have led me to believe I have low value, because if these relationships did not work out, then surely it shows I am an awful person? And if that is the case, it fulfils ever dangerous and bad thing my parents made me feel about myself. Which is triggering, because if puts me back in the emotional space I was in, and leads to flashbacks and anxiety. Which are now starting again after a long period without them.

But do those relationships really define me? Do they truly show my actual value? How many people, say, stay with the same group of people forever, anyway? Take me in primary school. By high school, my peer group was entirely different. Me in high school was somewhat different to me in college, and then different again at uni. With different jobs come different people, moving to different places changes things. You lose touch, you grow, you meet new people, your tastes change.

My best friend in primary school would no doubt think I'm a weirdo and a pervert. My best friend from high school doesn't, as I still know him and he's still my best and most loyal friend. My best friend at uni wasn't even really that much of a friend. My best friend at my first proper job is long gone from my life, and the friend after that became a drug addict. My best friend from my days clubbing is now ever so slightly fucking crazy. On and on.

And what do these relationships say about my self-worth? Is my value dependent on the opinions and lasting friendships with others? No, because interpersonal relationships have no real, measurable value. They are intangible concepts, only existing as a side effect of chemicals in the brain. So, if the emotions we attach to them have no value in and of themselves, why bother?

I guess because emotions are what stealth-Christian tosspot right-wing dipshits would call a "hidden economy". They aren't, but belief in an intangible thing can affect our worldview of intangibles and concepts and emotions. What it kind of means is that these things have value to us, and there is some kind of emotional give and take between us via our bio-organic feedback loops with reality.

Worse, the filters on such communicative loops can become warped and distorted by trauma. Someone hits you, and so your filter always anticipates violence, for example. So a friend raises a hand to brush hair from your face, you see it, your brain tries to protect you, you react as though they are about to hit you, and then their own feedback loop kicks in to react to that.

But trauma always means others will assume guilt on your part for a reaction, rather than seeing the hidden hurt that was caused by others. The gossipy low-rent Judgy McJudgepeople will always say that a flinch away is you judging them, as a pretense to allow them to judge you. Rule number one: most people reinforce social rules that will allow them to behave in a certain way should they deem it necessary. That's why we should ostracise anyone who thinks assault or sexually abusive behaviour is something worth explaining or worthy of being an apologist for.

So, back to my friends who, because of trauma, I may have a needless attachment to which should probably end.

Let's consider them.

J was an assault/abuse apologist, a manipulator, and a liar, and likely saw it as a way to allow space for her own similar behaviour. Is the loss of them a reflection on me? No. Is my going insane a reflection on me? I couldn't control it, and begged the NHS for help they didn't give me, so no.

L was an abuse apologist, a liar and a a vindictive, vengeful passive-aggressive abuser, who was using her own hurt to attack me in a way that would make me hurt. Her actions don't reflect on me, or my reaction to her which was to apologise, try to explain, and eventually walk away from most of a friendship group to put a stop to it, even if I had a screaming temper tantrum when I was grieving over my grandad dying.

J2 showed a distinct lack of empathy for my grief, when their own grief was treated with respect and kindness. She has been bossy, was nasty to me exacerbating a nervous breakdown, and throw whatever friendship we had in the bin out of spite solely because, like a lot of my friends, actual emotion terrifies them and is considered impolite. It doesn't reflect on me that she considers bullying fine so long as she doesn't have to deal with it, and my reaction was, again, beyond my control.

D suddenly vanished an abandoned me at a time when I was in greatest need of help and support, without explanation. Could constantly post online, but couldn't even send a message my way when I was trying my best the other way. It doesn't reflect on me that they behave in that manner, and my reaction was to do basically nothing, so no blame there.

A broke promises to me that made my health worse, kept getting me to come meet her and not showing up or replying to messages (despite being online 24/7 the rest of the time), had fucking unrealistically crazy expectations of the behaviour of others, and then tried to gaslight me. I exploded at her in anger, but, you know what? Good. The fact that I couldn't speak my mind around such a person without worrying it would end our friendship shows what a bad friendship it was to begin with. It doesn't reflect on me that they did this, the only thing that reflects on me was that I put up with it for so long. And in return, I have said and done nothing, and have been let down even more as a consequence by her.

Meanwhile, Z really hurt me, but we've made up and she apologised. She's growing and trying to change and get to a happier place, and I'm proud of her. And she's been through a lot of trauma, too, but you have to give people the opportunity to change and show they can get better and improve and be the awesome people you thought they were originally, even though that's only one side of a many-sided entity called "the human".

So, I feel down. But writing this put things in perspective for me. I'm not the bad guy. There are no bad guys. All these other people are just as fucked up as me, as any of us, and maybe they are just trying to save face, maybe they just react like I do. Well, except that some of them are quite frankly not good for my health and I'm better off not being around them, but how do I fix my filter so that I don't behave the same way with actual worthwhile people? Maybe I need to write on here more. Get more in touch with my own feelings on this. It might help fight off the flashbacks.

[rememberthedaze7-blog1]

Locating the Greatest Items For Modest Adult men Manufactured Uncomplicated

dárky Does acquiring the finest items for males seriously make any difference? How essential are the gifts we give? Can men and women seem by means of the neatly tied bows and crisp, patterned wrapping paper and see the authentic you and attach a which means to it all? Is it genuinely that essential to your occupation, romance or impact about others? Completely! The artwork of finding the finest presents for modest gentlemen might appear to be a somewhat easy process, but when it will come down to it, it is not. Supplying inappropriate gifts or gifts that may well offend can wreck any emerging or previously solid relationship. Latest research concludes that getting a incorrect gift for a person can put a romantic relationship in jeopardy. This was based on the assumption that 'gifts act as markers of interpersonal similarity for both equally acquaintances and near partnership companions...' (Dunn et al 2008). In this experiment, men's evaluation of undesirable presents unveiled that they observed the reward giver as considerably less equivalent to them. Subsequently they imagined their potential with each other with such a individual would be substantially shorter. I guess the lesson for all of us is that undesirable presents reflect badly on our connection and us as people close to us think we know them well sufficient to find the best present for every occasion. It also pays to recall that finding a soul mate or 'kindred spirit' is thought to be central to a effective partnership and gratification (ibid. 2008). Where we identify a similarity with a associate, buddy or colleague, it is human nature to affiliate this with increased partnership gratification. We especially like to think our partners are similar to us. So this reveals the probable harm that getting a undesirable present can do because it damages that sense of similarity when we get a undesirable reward. Finding the finest gifts for adult men no matter whether modest or not is as a result, quite important in my belief. Do not eliminate coronary heart. Picking the best reward for Christmas or any other situation want not be an arduous activity as we will be wanting at how to discover the perfect existing for your dad, partner, son, male good friend or colleague, in particular if they are the modest variety. The regular epitome of the "modest man" is just one whose lifetime is marked by simplicity and has a humble belief of himself. To put it far more bluntly he is generally a easy man with straightforward tastes - not that it is a bad issue. It can be nearly impossible to buy presents for this type of guy, as you are continually second guessing your alternatives. Will he like it? Will it be suitable? It may well appear as a shock to most women that guys typically have uncomplicated tastes and are sentimental contrary to common perception. Though they could prioritise requirement from time to time, they also have an emotional connection to certain items and events. Coming again to our modest adult men, these guys are often not very materialistic which generally poses issues for anyone who attempts acquiring the perfect reward for them. We can draw some similarities involving the essence of present offering and our modest blokes. The artwork of present offering can be traced back to historical Roman festivals in which communities gave every other basic items this kind of as sacred evergreen branches through celebrations. With time and as all things do, there were adjustments to the types of gifts, which then involved gifts of honey and cakes symbolizing prosperity and sweetness envisioned in the coming yr. Presently, reward-supplying has develop into large organization specifically at Christmas with the introduction of St Nick, cutthroat advertising by the media and its ability to sensationalize this after modest gesture into a searching frenzy from early November until Christmas Eve. Ironically, there are nonetheless some cultures the place there is no present offering insanity throughout Xmas or any other situations for that subject! It is normal follow to be thankful to the powers that be for the extra a long time when it arrives to birthdays and a special meal, primarily chicken, rice and smooth beverages for lunch to mark Christmas. At finest the young young children get new outfits to dress in to church. With this background in brain, is it any speculate that some individuals prefer the uncomplicated items in existence? While the males we are involved about are modest, it undoubtedly does not imply that you can get the drained old socks, jumpers and cologne routine to mark every single occasion. With options only a mouse click absent, we need to set an finish to standard mundane present tips. Wide variety is the spice of daily life, it may be an old saying but that need to aid us refocus and convey out our feeling of creative imagination even though browsing for the very best presents for males. As these, reward buying need to be a method that requires the innovative expression of our feelings for the receiver, relying on the connection of training course, which really should be a pleasurable knowledge instead than be noticed as a chore or nerve-racking time. Acquiring gifts only will get difficult when remaining until eventually the last moment. When you make the selection to purchase a present, you require to retain in intellect the celebration, the recipient's personality and most importantly, your spending budget. I cannot emphasize this sufficient. What are his pursuits or hobbies? Is he an energetic outdoorsy kind of man? Is he a automobile enthusiast or eager on artwork, fishing, golf or sports activities mad? Does he delight in songs or films? There are also several fantastic gift suggestions for the modest traveler or adventurer. A weekend booking in a mountain cabin or intimate getaway are all options that can be explored relying on your price range and his interests of course. Choosing exceptional presents that thrill him these kinds of as expertise gifts may demonstrate rewarding for you in the lengthy run. We all know it is effortless to get any person enthusiastic about nearly anything if you pin it to an present enthusiasm. Exclusive items, personalized gifts, top quality seating tickets for his favored team, a present certification to a pretty cafe will mean a great deal more and show the recipient that a lot more considered has absent into the choice process. I have performed some analysis for you and have a several great reward supplying guidelines. I hope this helps. Usually, picking up a trace from the receiver, an notion below or there is all you require to get the ball rolling. My son is 1 of these individuals that will convey to you as the calendar year progresses the kinds of things he is into which would make existence much easier when birthdays and Xmas will come along. All I want to do is pick from the many hints dropped albeit knowingly! Therefore, listening to hints from a receiver is a excellent way to gauge passions and it is of good importance in acquiring the ideal presents for males. Acquiring said that, doing your shopping online opens numerous choices all at the touch of a button. Gifts on the web come in a assortment of classes to match all tastes and superior still, queries can slender it down to go well with your spending budget should you make a decision to established on your own value ranges in these periods where belt tightening has turn out to be the buy of the day. Cheap is the new great this year. Begin early and you get loads of time to look for affordable considerate items that match your recipients' taste, character and your budget. Whoever coined the time period 'boys and their toys' is surely a genius. My husband's ideal friend, a renowned doctor and modest guy I may well incorporate has a well-known rule, which rings genuine of most males if not all. He by no means buys his little ones any toys that he are unable to enjoy with. Funny that! As most of us have learnt, guys are but youngsters in more substantial muscular bodies. Thus, when purchasing them presents, even for the modest dude, preserve this gem in brain. Everyone has a function model. As such, all gentlemen can be classified into the James Bond type who adore all gizmos and his spirit of journey. This is manifest in adult men who love and acquire and or get the job done with almost everything digital, mentioned physician falls neatly into this class Walker Texas Ranger, John Wayne or GI Joe wannabes who in genuine life may be our gentlemen in uniform policemen, army personnel or firemen the MacGyver and the Diy Mr. Repair It crew who revel in their electrical power instruments creating and developing factors. All males enjoy toys of some kind and are enthusiastic about them.