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[andysandfordcomedy]

Standup Musings: Openers

Openers are probably the weirdest part of stand up to me. Whatever I say seems disingenuous, because the audience came to see comedians, and here I am, a comedian doing my comedy. I don’t know why but it’s just weird, and only the opening is weird to me. A comedian never looks silly just doing comedy to me, except for the opener. My best openers have either mocked the idea of an opener, or got past the opener hump so quick and smoothly that boom, we’re somehow past that already. I like when ya get em with a good opener, but I dislike having to, ya know? I’m sometimes tempted to open with, “don’t worry, I’m good.”

Two of my favorite openers are from Kyle Kinane: “so, this is what I look like.” And Myq Kaplan: “Thank you for that round of applause. Let’s have another one when I’m done.” 

Ever since my second or third year of doing comedy, I have purposely written as many openers as I can. All of which with the same goal of sounding like something a comedian would open with and then taking a turn somehow. Some that I remember are...

-”It’s good to be here right now, because earlier, I was back there *point to back of the room* and NO ONE noticed I was telling jokes.”

- “how are you guys doin tonight?...uhh, ok I believe you.”

-”*set mic stand off to the left* how are you guys doin tonight? (crowd cheers) ummm, I was talking to them *point to a couple to my immediate left*...but ok”

-”Give it up for the comics you’ve seen...Now really give it up for me tho!” 

- “Heyyy...how am I doin on time? Ok, I’ll leave you with these...”

- “I never know what to say up front. But comedy is a form of public speaking, and I read this book on public speaking once that said with most public speaking it’s good to start with something funny, like a joke...Damn, I shoulda done that.” (either works or bombs)

-(after following any comic who is nothing like me) “This is awkward, but the last comic just closed with MY opener. Guess I’ll have to wing it.”

-(brought on stage to very not-me song) “Thank you, thank you for playing the song I requested.” (fav song I did this to was “Ante Up”)

- “Good to be here, things are goin well for me career-wise. Last week, I shot a pilot. That’s nothing to brag about really, but, I also landed the plane... Again, not tryin to brag, but I killed a man, took his job. Not easy to do.” (was my opener on my album “Me the Whole Time”

- “Hey guys, here’s a lil joke I do...”

- “I’ll be honest, this is the first thing I’ve done all day.” (did this opener on Conan and I think it helped me get booked) 

- “Feelin pretty good, just got my 4th Moderna shot.” (booster shots killed this opener)

Comedy is so fun when you have a perfect/fun/timely opener, and so frustrating when you don’t. I’m about done opening with “it’s been a few years but I think 2020 is almost over,” and I don’t have an opener I’m excited about on deck as of yet. Farting into the mic is such a risk, and makes it hard to follow yourself; And “I ain’t scared of you mfers” has already been done. I like telling jokes to people, but I don’t like initiating conversation in any context; even when it’s my favorite thing to do, and how I make a living. That’s what makes me come up with an opener at all: the fact that if you want to do a set, you have to have an opener. I could do the CK “open with your old closer” thing, but it seems weird opening with “ok, I’ll get outta here on this.”

Ok well I’ll get outta here on that.

Toodles,

-Andy