#coercing me into a relationship I vocalized I didn’t want to be in multiple times

[brambleghost]

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” ~ anne lamott

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for "forcing" my best friend to break up with his boyfriend?

🧸

I (22 cis m) and my best friend 'A' (21 ftm) have been friends since we were 10 years old and I love him more than anything. He’s genuinely the sweetest, most thoughtful, and funniest person I’ve ever met. He means everything to me and we’ve been there for each other through the hardest times of our lives so far and I plan on staying until the end.

It’s always been us two. Btw, everyone mentioned here uses he/him pronouns exclusively.

A has been with his boyfriend (21 cis m) for about 2 years now, and from what he told me, things were going great. Even if I’m not too fond of his boyfriend. A few days ago, we got pretty drunk at a friend’s housewarming party. A and I live together, and as soon as we got home, he suddenly started rambling about how he wishes his boyfriend cared about him the same way I do.

Legit felt like I was in some dumb romance movie for a moment there. I felt a little uneasy and asked him to elaborate. In short, his boyfriend essentially treats him like a doll instead of a person with real emotions. He feels as though his boyfriend just uses him to get his daily fix of physical affection and sex, that’s it. The only positive thing his boyfriend can say about A is that he’s cute, which boggles my mind. It’s true but there’s so much more to him as a human being.

A is an incredibly talented artist, super kind, super emotionally intelligent, and has a plethora of interests he loves to infodump about. I’m trying my hardest not to make this entire post about how amazing he is. He’s helped multiple friends clean their depression apartments and took them out to get fresh groceries etc. because it’s basic decency to him. He has such a big heart and holds so much love in it for everyone in his life. Being around him is just so easy and makes life worth living.

He’s just an incredible person all around and every single person that has him in their life recognizes that, except his boyfriend. They’ve had issues in the past because they’re not sexually compatible, which led to some miscommunication and made A feel like he was coerced into things he didn’t want to do. He just did them to make his boyfriend happy. He does a lot of things for his boyfriend, actually. He’s constantly buying little gifts, remembering what he likes, and plans cute dates for them to go on. His boyfriend does none of these things.

I want to mention that A has bpd and avpd. He has an intense fear of rejection and will do everything in his power to appease others so they won’t leave him. I always take the time to reassure him that I love him for who he is and not what he can give me. Basically just making sure he feels loved. Keep in mind, his boyfriend is aware of this but he just gets annoyed when A seeks reassurance from him. His behavior has made my blood boil several times in the past already, but I always kept it to myself for A’s sake. If I was vocal about disliking his boyfriend, it probably would’ve caused A a lot of distress and emotional turmoil.

Still, I don’t think this relationship is healthy for A and I know him well enough to know he won’t break it off on his own. It’s just his combo of personality disorders that makes it impossible for him. I told him about my concerns and he agreed, but said he feels bad for his boyfriend since he apparently doesn’t have any friends outside of A. From my POV, it just looks like his boyfriend knows A is out of his league and is grasping at straws to make A stay with him out of pity.

This is where I might be the asshole. I got a little frustrated and raised my voice, which I severely regret. I don’t want to blame it on the alcohol but it definitely had a hand in it. I finally told him about all these grievances I have about his boyfriend, how much I dislike him and how A deserves so much better, etc.. At one point, I essentially gave him an ultimatum. It’s me or his boyfriend. I didn’t really mean it, it was just a heat of the moment thing I spat out. I would never leave him like that.

A started crying and begged me to calm down, at which point I realized how shitty I was being and immediately began apologizing. We hugged, I comforted him, and we spent the rest of the night cuddling and talking about how he could approach the breakup.

Now that I’ve sobered up I feel like absolute shit. I know it’s not my place to tell A what to do with his romantic relationships, even if I’m his best friend. Plus, I want to be 100% honest here and say I might have romantic feelings for A. I think I have for a long time, but I always wrote it off as intense platonic love. So I may be biased in this whole conversation about his boyfriend.

I didn’t say these things because of that. I genuinely think his boyfriend is a huge dick and full of shit, no matter how sweet and loving he pretends to be. It’s all in the way he treats A. He’s one of those guys that paint their nails (nothing wrong with that but you know the kind of guy I’m talking about), pretend to be feminists, and steal their romantic partner’s personality to seem cooler. He even asked A to stop taking testosterone because he didn’t like how hairy A was getting or some shit like that.

He’s pansexual but has only ever dated girls and started dating A before A began medically transitioning. There’s obviously nothing wrong with that and changes nothing about the fact that he’s pansexual, he just pisses me off when he criticizes A for being 'too masculine'. You can have a preference for feminine people but don’t make that shit your partner’s problem when they just want to pass.

I feel like A’s boyfriend just thought A would always stay the smooth, baby-faced twink he was before going on testosterone and now makes him feel guilty for looking like a grown man. Some people don’t know how to appreciate hairy tummies.

Sorry for making this so long but I just want to be as honest and informative as possible to get proper opinions on the issue. A is now dead set on breaking things off because he now knows that I actively despise his boyfriend and he always puts my opinion above everyone else’s.

Was I in the wrong for doing this or am I just protecting my best friend? I’m glad he intends on ending things but I feel a bit like a conniving snake considering everything. It feels like I’m taking advantage of his mental state even if I’m not doing it consciously.

[booksapphic]

Opinions/Analysis of ACOWAR’s Queer Characters

Considering that I have been vocal about queer rep for this fandom, I wanted to discuss the four queer characters that we got in ACOWAR and go through the good and the bad for each. Please note that, especially in regards to Mor, I approach this from a representation standpoint, how the way queer characters and queer identities are discussed in relation to how queer readers will interpret them. Trying to discuss queer identities and characters from the character’s perspective would make this monster even longer than it already is, and I would prefer to leave those discussions to those from more abusive/homophobic backgrounds than my (healthy, more heteronormative than homophobic) background. @illyrianazriel has been discussing this pretty consistently, and I highly recommend this post in particular for a discussion of Mor’s queer identity as a character. Finally, please realize that I am only one person, and while I have tried to take into account the opinions of others I have talked to, it is impossible for one bisexual to speak for all bi/gay/pan people. This post is meant to be part of the discussion of queer rep, and I welcome other queer people adding your thoughts and opinions. (If you’re straight, please make sure that all engagement is respectful.) 

I didn’t really have any issues with Nephelle or Thesan. They were both highly respected, in loving same sex relationships. Nephelle in particular was viewed as a hero, an idol, whose actions are meant to be emulated and upheld by both the heroes and the reader. My only issue with either of them was the use of “lover,” particularly in the case of Thesan. I find “lover” to have a very sexual connotation which is uncomfortable when queer people are so often simplified to just what they do in bed. I realize that “lover” was also used in regards to straight relationships, but because of the sex-obsessed view of queer people, it still makes me feel uncomfortable. Though Nephelle’s “lover” eventually becomes “wife,” I was uncomfortable that Thesan’s “lover” isn’t referred to even as “partner,” which takes away the solely sexual connotation. They mentioned that their relationship was ignored UtM for what Amarantha would do to him, and so it is understandable then that he isn’t “consort” or “husband” yet, but in the spin offs that are after ACOWAR, if he’s brought up in that, I hope that one of those other terms will be used. Additionally, it bothers me that in the ACOTAR universe, there is still no mention of same sex mates. The mating bond in this world is very heteronormative, but it would be awful for SJM to make a world in which all Soulmates who experience True Love are heterosexual. If anyone has any additional information from something she said on tour, etc., please hit me up. 

While I (and many others) adored Helion, he very very narrowly escapes the “slutty bisexual” trope. Even our first contact with him in ACOWAR, the letter he sends accepting the invitation to the High Lord meeting–what should be solely professional correspondence–is said to be readable “between all the innuendo,” (293). Though he is mostly professional in the meeting itself, it isn’t long when meeting personally–without the “’swagging prick performance’” (450)--that he brings up sex. His sexuality is described to Feyre by Rhys as “Helion favors both males and females. Usually together in his bed” (450-451). While this alone would be enough to make him part of this negative trope, I believe it is avoided for a mix of four reasons. First of all, there are multiple other queer people in this book who are not viewed negatively (as above, with Nephelle and Thesan). Secondly, his sexuality, while joked about, isn’t insulted and is treated in a similar fashion as the jokes made about Cassian’s sex life in ACOMAF (this isn’t really possible to prove, per say, but it personally read as similar teasing to me). Thirdly, we are given proof of him being in love with, of having feeling and emotion for, a single person. It would have or could have been a true monogamous relationship if it was up to Helion, but the Lady of Autumn “’chose to stay’” (455). This removes part of this trope by showing that bisexuals can have romantic feelings for people and care about things other than sex. Finally, Helion is highly respected in the narrative/by the readers, perhaps only second to Rhys. This is shown multiple times. During the meeting of the High Lords, it is said that only three of the current High Lords were present for the last war against Hybern, being Beron, Rhys, and Helion (436). This in of itself sets Helion equal to Rhys in terms of experience, knowledge, and (at least political, if not magical) power. After the meeting, it is written in the narrative that “[Helion’s] muscled body was only a mask–-to hide the cunning mind beneath. I wondered if Rhys had picked that up from him” (452). Our Hero has this same trait–-a trait that the readers love him for–-and he learned it from Helion. Helion taught things to the Hero. I think that speaks for itself. Additionally, Helion is treated as a friend, invited to have dinner with the Night Court, as Kallias and Vivane are (459). Very specific battle plans are discussed between the Night Court and him, and he is intelligent and largely professional at the meetings. Then, in the final battle, it is said that “If Rhys[’s beast form] was a flying terror crafted from shadows and old moonlight, Helion was his daytime equivalent…. Together, my mate and the High Lord of Day unleashed themselves upon Hybern” (645-646). Once again, Helion is set as an equal to our Hero. Once again, this speaks for itself. Now, with all four of these factors at play, I would say that Helion avoids the damaging “slutty bisexual” trope. If one of these four were removed, I would argue he falls into that trope. As such, fandom should make sure that in the way we talk about Helion in the future does not remove the respect and complexity canon gives him. (I personally haven’t really seen anything that has made me uncomfortable yet, but if I do see an issue, I will call that person out on it.)

Now, on to Mor, by far the most controversial of the group. Her sexuality is told to Feyre as “I do find pleasure […] in both…. But I’ve known, since I was little more than a child, that I prefer females. That I’m… attracted more to them over males. That I connect with them, care for them on that soul-deep level” (589). I know there is currently a debate going on in the fandom over whether she is gay or bisexual, but I would like to say that this reads as bisexual to me. In fact, this is the only part of Mor’s queerness that I thought was well done: I, along with many other bisexuals I’ve talked to, identified with this description of her sexuality. I know that this is how I feel about my own attraction, and past that, it can be appreciated that there is a bisexual in media who is not viewed as “50/50″ like so many are, that can like both while still having a preference one way or another. Obviously this is a discussion that should be had among the bi and gay girls in this fandom but: people have called her lesbian. People have called her bisexual homoromantic. For the number of self-identifying bisexual women in this fandom who have said their attraction matches what is described here, I would call her bisexual. Though there are people who find the split between romantic and sexual orientations helpful, and there are bisexual homoromantic women in this fandom who identify with Mor’s description of her sexuality, I think that calling her bisexual homoromantic ignores the fluidity of sexuality that many bisexuals (myself included) feel. The discussion of labels is something that the fandom should continue to have, but in the fandom, if you are not bi/pan/gay, tread carefully when trying to name her sexuality. 

That description was the only good thing about Mor’s coming out. Everything else was, as my gay friend and I said while discussing it, A Heterosexual Mess. 

The scene starts off with Mor deciding to tell Feyre because Feyre got angry at her and Mor felt bad. That’s gross. No one should have to come out because their friend was shitty to them. No one should have to come out as a form of apology. No one should be coerced into coming out. And this might be a nitpick, but there is a line from this moment: “[Feyre] reached for [Mor’s] hand, prying it off her arm” (589). I know this was meant to be comforting, but a light caress on her hand to see if Mor was okay taking it would be a lot better than a straight person trying to force comfort on a queer person because They Are Understanding and Accepting. Later on in the scene, Feyre specifically says, and Mor agrees, that “’Rhys wouldn’t care–I don’t think anyone in Velaris would’” (592). But Mor continues to stay in the closet for the sake of Azriel’s happiness.  All of these things put straight comfort and happiness over queer health. All of these things make it seem as if queer people owe something to straight people. And we don’t. 

And then, at the end of the scene, Feyre says to Mor, 

“I’ll stand by you no matter what. Until then… Your secret is safe. I won’t tell anyone–even Rhys.” “Thank you,” [Mor] breathed. I [Feyre] shook my head. “No–thank you for telling me. I’m honored.” (592)

A queer person thanks a straight person for not outing her, which would negatively impact at the very least her mental health and relationships, if not her authority and power over her past abusers. The straight person replies that she is “honored.” Honored for what? That her friend has been hiding herself because of a homophobic society for 500 years and can only admit who she is to someone she’s known a matter of months? (I know some people find it easier to talk about these things with people they know less rather than more, but it shouldn’t be a big enough deal for Mor to be scared about it in the first place.) Honored that straight people have to be told that people they know are queer because otherwise they’ll assume everyone is straight? Coming out is not “honoring” someone. It’s telling someone, anyone that you trust to not hurt you, something about yourself. Coming out is a product of a heteronormative society. 

The fact that Mor has been hiding it for five hundred years is also disgusting. Considering that Helion’s, Thesan’s, and Nephelle’s queerness are all accepted, this would suggest then that the Night Court is homophobic while other courts/societies are not. There is no reason to make any place in fantasy homophobic. If you can write about a bunch of hot people with endless magic, you can write about a society where homophobia doesn’t exist. I was reading another meta about Mor earlier today by @my-name-is-fireheart, where she says that, with the Court of Nightmares being what they’re being, they would have made Mor’s life worse for her being queer. I don’t disagree. But then she says:

Realistically, I don’t know how Maas could have avoided Mor’s painful backstory given what we know of her family. The only answer is that Maas could have written Mor as out from the beginning, and…then what? Had the court of nightmares, in all its patriarchal glory, be okay with her as bi? Be fine with her preferring females? Be happy with a daughter who was LGBT? Sure that is all wonderful but…not realistic given who Keir is. So…the only way to really change Mor’s backstory is to change who her family is.

Yes, she could have written Mor as out from the beginning. She doesn’t need to change her family to do this. I’m not suggesting that Mor come out to her family while they still had physical power over her, but once she was in the Court of Dreams, she very well could have. It would just add another layer of hatred and resentment from her family towards her, her power over them, and her freeing herself from them. Also, you can come out to one group of people and not another. She could be out and free to the Court of Dreams, Velaris, and Prythian and not out to the Court of Nightmares. How would they find out? It’s not like she’s going to bring anyone she’s dating with her on her job (not until “dating” becomes “possibly engaged” or “married/mated” at least). Would she sit on the throne and make a proclamation of her sexuality? Maybe I’m the outlier in this community, but that’s certainly not how I did it. 

And I know, I know that coming out is hard. And that, as Mor says, you want to keep people from “shaming me, hurting me about this one thing that has remained wholly mine” (590). But by doing that, you are still putting fear above happiness. You are still putting straight comfort over queer health. And I really wouldn’t want a young version of me seeing this rep and doing that. Because I did it for a long, long while, and it nearly destroyed me. I don’t want it destroying another young queer girl, just coming into her sexuality. The scars and the pain of being queer fade generation to generation, but I will do everything in my power to end that pain altogether. And that means starting here, making sure that the media that failed me does not fail others.

With everything, I fully expect one of the spinoffs to be about Mor, her coming out to everyone, and her finding happy queer love. With all the pain Mor has gone through, she cannot pushed to a subplot as part of one of the other books–or worse, be pushed to the side to make room for a heterosexual ship. (And honestly, if this scene is gone back on and she ends up with Azriel, I will throw a fit. Because all that says is, “if you try hard enough, you can be happy with a man!” which is even worse than not having this at all.) If you are going to spotlight a queer character’s pain, you need to spotlight their happiness as while. And for future books and future queer narratives, the best way to prevent this would be to create a world in which homophobia does not exist, or doesn’t exist enough to force a queer character to stay in the closet. Because while coming out is a product of a heteronormative society, queer pain is a product of a homophobic society. Queer people aren’t tortured about their sexuality because of their sexuality, but because of how others view it. Yes, homophobia is something that needs to be worked through, but as a straight author writing about writing narratives of queer pain and homophobic societies in a fantasy book, you are perpetuating the very thing we are working to get rid of. You are contributing to the problem, instead of helping to fix it. And you are the one who is going to have to look yourself in the mirror every day and determine if you can live with that. 

*All page numbers taken from the US Target edition hardback.

[phoenixfive]

Wow...talk about "alternative facts." LOL Pretty much your entire post about K Law is wrong. It's like you just went and made up a bunch of crap. If you want to be a hater, fine, but some of us actually want to have discussions in the real world. She hasn't contradicted herself or the producers once and she has consistently demonstrated a far better knowledge of her character's history in the comic books than you have. Ridiculous.

I mean, I didn’t mention the comic books and the comic books have nothing to do with this. Are you one of those moronic wankers who thinks when someone says “canon” in regards to the Arrowverse, it actually means the source material and not, you know, the shows themselves that deviate greatly from said source material? Because otherwise you’ve revealed a reading comprehension problem, or you’re trying to distract from the actual discussion with what you know is irrelevant bullshit.

(As a quick aside on that irrelevant bullshit, though, if you want to get into knowing about her character’s comic book history, I’ll say this: There’s very little of it, and while she’s happy to push for having the most disturbing aspects of it picked up by the show, she hasn’t been nearly as vocal about acknowledging other parts of it, like the fact that Nyssa’s Jewish heritage is fundamental to her back-story, which would be impossible to fully translate to Arrow’s version of the character, but the basic idea that this character has Jewish heritage could at least be acknowledged in even a minor way. She seems to care more about other things.)

I also never said she contradicted the producers, just that she says things that don’t come from them.

I just pointed out to you that she is admittedly so out of the loop on any idea that’s not plainly on a script page that when asked, she could not say definitively whether or not her character was actually currently in a relationship with another character when that character died.

I also just pointed out at least one example where she’s contradicted the show: The suggestion that Nyssa found Sara “on the streets.”

What I said about the shows only ever mentioning Ra’s and possibly implying Al-Owal as people who have trained Sara? Not “made up crap,” no matter how much you want to believe it is. There was literally never an explicit statement on Arrow about who Sara trained under exactly, although some people read her mocking of League philosophy to Al-Owal meaning he’d been the one to share it with her in the first place. There was also Malcolm in S3 saying he and Sara were trained by the same man. It’s less likely that the writers, at that point, meant Al-Owal, but it should be noted that Al-Owal takes credit for training him in “League of Assassins.” More likely, Malcolm was meant to be referring to Ra’s, since they talked of Ra’s having trained him multiple times during that arc and the idea of taking Ra’s down centered around students besting their masters. Be it Al-Owal or Ra’s, he definitely is not referring to Nyssa.

On Legends of Tomorrow, Sara has only ever mentioned Ra’s. She did it in “Blood Ties,” she did it in, “Night of the Hawk.”

He is the only person specifically mentioned to have trained her. Otherwise it was just vague references to the League as a whole. Nothing about Nyssa. There are multiple sites with Arrow and LOT transcripts you could search fairly quickly for examples of Nyssa being identified as someone who trained Sara. If you find them, you could message me again with the scene in question. You’d be wasting your time, though, because no such example exists.

I notice you didn’t provide any clarification about Caity purportedly saying so? Like, not even a suggestion as to which interview or con it supposedly was so I can try to find it for myself, let alone a quote or video of it.

In any case, I find the idea of it gross because their relationship is already one primarily presented through abusive acts, and instead of just giving us flashbacks of them managing to function like a halfway-healthy couple while trapped in a shitty environment neither of them were particularly keen on, the fandom and Katrina want to go with giving us flashbacks of Nyssa being in a position of authority over Sara, a very active participant in Sara being coerced to kill, and potentially inflicting physical torture on her? Because that’s a big part of League indoctrination, canonically: emotional and physical torture. Why? Who would want to see that when it’s not even something the show has ever suggested happened?Let me guess: You’re also one of those people who regularly insists Sara has canonically declared Nyssa the love of her life – one of a few total falsehoods a segment of the audience has invented and collectively decided is reality – in order to justify Sara being treated like property no one else should have access to?

Anyway, while it’s really cute that you make a joke about alternative facts as if you’re not the one obsessing over an off-handed post that wasn’t even tagged in the same manner Trump and his supporters go batshit whenever insulted or confronted with the truth, your jimmies being so rustled over this is kind of crazy. Please get some help.

[letterstohealmyself]

May 8-9, 2018

Dear you,

I keep asking myself, would things have been different if I had been more vocal about my discomfort with them? If I had said explicitly, ‘I don’t want to date them, I don’t even want to be friends with them, and I feel crushed that you would make this decision without discussing it with me first’, would you have stopped it? If I said, ‘I don’t want to share you, I want to have an exclusive, monogamous relationship with you, and I want it to lead to a more committed and lifelong future with you’, would that have caused an immediate breakup, or would you have tried to give me that? For a whole year, I struggled intensely to force myself into something resembling contentment with a situation I felt I had no control over. I felt like I didn’t have a say in my own relationship, because every time I would bring up the intense stress and anxiety and discomfort I felt with them and polyamory, and your ambivalence towards our future, I was brushed off as having irrational thoughts, like my anxiety was unfounded and would go away if I just concentrated on the positive things. But when I made a list of things I needed and things I wanted and didn’t want, I didn’t mean that I would be happy if I never got any of the things I wanted. I meant that I could survive, and that’s what I was doing. I was surviving with the bare minimum, but my unhappiness grew and grew as it became clear that you never intended to give me anything other than the bare minimum. Of your time, of your attention, of your affection. Worse, I had to share that tiny shred of love with someone else.

I think back to last spring break. When I was at his house, and you were spending every day with them, your friend. I was so jealous and anxious that you would cheat on me, or break up with me for them. But in some ways I was prepared for that, because I was leaving, and I didn’t expect you to want to continue our relationship long distance. I was prepared to break up when I graduated, and I was prepared for you to start a relationship with them while I was gone. But I was not prepared for you to want both of us, and I was not prepared for both of you to expect me to be a part of it. If you had talked to me beforehand, if you had asked what I wanted at any point instead of expecting me to get used to it eventually, I think we probably would have broken up a long time ago. If you had said ‘I want to have a queerplatonic and sexual relationship with them, the same way I have one with you, and they want to have that same kind of relationship with you, is that something you would want?’ I would have said no. I don’t want any kind of relationship with them, and I don’t want you to have a relationship beyond friendship with them either. Would that have resulted in a breakup, or would we have continued to date monogamously? If I had said at any point after that, ‘I want to break up with them and return to a monogamous relationship with you’, what would have happened?

If I had said, ‘we only just started a sexual relationship, which is a monumentally important and intimate experience for me and I am still adjusting and developing a deeper connection with you, and now that you have thrust me into something completely new once again, I feel like all of the progress we were just starting to make was destroyed’. Like right at the moment I was becoming more serious about you, you had proven you were just toying with me. But we had just started exploring a sexual relationship, and I couldn’t stand to lose you because you were my first real love and the first person who knew everything about me so intimately. So I didn’t feel like I had a choice but to accept and deal with whatever you decided. I was emotionally dependent on you from the moment we slept together for the first time. But I was never a priority to you. I just got pulled along and did whatever you asked of me, at the cost of my emotional stability and happiness.

You were always putting everything else before me. Cosplay, social media, movies and tv shows and books and webcomics you liked. When we were together, you were glued to your phone. When we were apart, I couldn’t reach you for hours on end. The two times I managed to get you to watch movies I really cared about (stardust and digimon) you didn’t pay the slightest bit of attention and either made fun of it, or completely ignored it to stare at your phone. When I asked you multiple times to watch my favorite movie of all time, or read my favorite book or manga of all time, you constantly came up with excuses not to, even though I had put the time and effort into understanding and enjoying the things you loved.

I asked you to move in with me. I had a room you could have all to yourself so that you would have your own space, and I was researching jobs you could apply to in the area that you would like, but you didn’t want to live with me. You wanted to stay in Georgia and I couldn’t understand what was keeping you there. What was so important to you that you had to stay in Georgia, that was preventing you from being near me? I thought it had to be either your family, or cosplay, and I thought that it couldn’t be your family, because how could you stand lying to them every day and pretending to be someone you weren’t? And I thought that it couldn’t be cosplay, because you could do that just as well from Raleigh, and Georgia was still close enough to drive or fly to for cons. So the only answer I could see was that you didn’t care enough about me to warrant moving away from the life you were comfortable in. And I knew then that you would never choose me. You would never go out of your way to see me or be with me. I was just someone you were with out of convenience because I showered you with attention and affection, and didn’t demand anything from you in return. Your life is exactly the same, whether I am in it or not. But for me, it feels like my world has collapsed. My future is a black hole without you in it. I can’t look at you or even think of you, without feeling the loss of everything I ever wanted for us.

I am desperate for you to read this. I am desperate to tell you my feelings. But I can’t and I won’t, because I know you don’t feel even an ounce of the despair I have felt for the past month, for the past year actually. I am desperate to know if you feel something, anything at all, and I crave answers to all these questions swirling around my brain like a hurricane. Why did you say we were dating, that Valentine’s Day in 2016? What did you want out of it? I was never planning to ask you out, because I knew you were aro, and I thought that meant you didn’t want a relationship, at least not the kind of typical romantic relationship that I wanted. But you said we were dating and I was so happy that you wanted to date me, I didn’t question it. I didn’t question your intentions or long term goals or anything, because I didn’t want to scare you off or disturb the fragile beginning we had. I was so anxious about the lack of definition we had but too afraid to ask in case I broke it. And eventually I was just too afraid to hear your answer and thought that the anxiety of ignorance was better than the end of us. You didn’t give me a clear idea of what you wanted from me or what you wanted in the future because you had either had no idea or didn’t want to tell me. You weren’t clear and upfront with your intentions or what our relationship meant to you, so of course I was going to misinterpret what minuscule clues you did give me. Saying that you’re aro and then initiating a relationship with someone who was explicitly not aro signalled to me that you were willing to be in the kind of relationship I expected to have. I feel like you set me up for heartbreak from the beginning by purposely withholding your true feelings. What you wanted from me wasn’t what I would consider a relationship at all. You wanted to be friends with benefits and not only that, you wanted to have multiple friends with benefits, and hide it in the lie of a polyamorous relationship. I feel like you have been lying to me for our entire ‘relationship’ and I feel like I can’t trust you at all because you hurt me so badly with your faking. Saying that you don’t love me but still want to be in a relationship with me, and saying you don’t think of our relationship as legitimate and worthwhile are two different things. And I learned the hard way which one you really meant.

Now it’s over and every reminder of you is a killing blow. I never say out loud that I want to die, I never let myself think about the act of dying. But I can’t stand to exist in this pain. I can’t stand to see you going on as normal like I was never a part of your life at all, like the loss of me has had no effect on you. I can’t go on social media because I will seek you out and I will be destroyed by what I see. I can’t stand to be reminded of them, because I finally understand what a trigger feels like. I have been repressing my guilt and anger and resentment and discomfort as much as I possible could for the past year and trying to force positive feelings toward them. And now that I am not forced to like them, to love them, I can’t even tolerate them. We have absolutely nothing in common other than our sexuality. I don’t like the way they dress or the opinions they have or the negativity and anger and mean spiritedness that they are constantly expressing. I hate that they forced their presence upon me and how they decided to move in with me without even asking, because that was supposed to be your room. Because I didn’t want them in it because I didn’t want them in my life. Because they forced themself into my relationship. I was guilt-ed and coerced into accepting them under duress, because the choice I had was both of you or nothing, and I wanted you more than I cared about hurting them, or hurting myself. I felt like you had shoved them upon me as a replacement for the things you couldn’t provide, but it felt worse to receive attention and affection from someone I didn’t want it from, especially when you were right there, completely ignoring me in my pain.

And I know you have your reasons and excuses and I let that cloud my perception because I didn’t want to be greedy or selfish or a burden on you. I was settling and compromising so so much because I needed whatever you could give me to be enough. But it wasn’t and it was never going to be, and forcing a substitute person on me to fill those voids was making everything worse. I don’t think you are capable of understanding how completely you have ruined me. I wish you had never asked me out. I would have gotten over my crush and we could have been friends still. I kept thinking you knew what you were doing, but you were so much messier than me and just hid it away under false confidence. I followed you right off a cliff and drowned.