#cmon i was joking did you really need to get out the rope | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hockeybabestars · 5 years ago

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you need to write more quinn prompts please!! like maybe one where you’re upset and he comforts you but first you like shut him out

another short huggy blurb! i’m trying to get to my short requests first before i start trying to tackle all the multi part stories or just longer ones in general. hope y’all enjoy!

It was stupid really.

The feeling in my chest. It only showed up around Quinn, but it shouldn’t.

I sat my drink down on the table and swirled my straw around in it. I rested my forearms on the surface and leaned into it, hand coming to rest under my chin with a huff. Bo looked over to me, his dad duty kicking in and I could tell he knew something was off, and he was going to find out.

“(Y/N)-“

“Bo please don’t ask me about it.” I shrugged a little defeated. I refused to look at him or in Quinn’s general direction, instead intently focused on the ice melting into my drink.

“(Y/N), just go over there. I promise you he’ll drop everything for you.”

I glanced up at Bo who had a hopeful look in his eyes and then over to Quinn, accompanied by Jake, who were surrounded by a few girls.

“Yeah-“ I muttered lowly, “but not in the way I want him too.”

“Cmon (Y/N/N), he’s your best friend. He listens to you more than anyone else. He cares about you. He would probably rather be with you right now anyway, if the fact that he keeps looking over here is any indication.”

My eyes darted up right to where I knew he would be and he was already looking at me. He smiled a little, the crooked one he only reserved for me, and my heart almost stopped beating.

“Why are you always right Bo, it isn’t fair.” I chuckled.

“Somebody has to be right around here. I’d rather it be me than Virts.” He joked, and I looked to Jake who was currently dancing with one of those girls. But like, he was air roping her like cattle and she was going along with it? I figured there were one too many drinks involved there as I patted Bo on the back, “Me too.” I shuddered and we both laughed as I walked over to my best friend, drink in hand.

The closer I got, the more my stomach turned as nerves ate away at my resolve. He saw me coming and met me halfway, leaving the girls in what looked to be mid-sentence, “hey, I’ve been meaning to come find you.” He smiled.

“You have?” I asked curiously. I looked over his shoulder to see their dirty looks, but he pulled me out of it with his answer.

“Yeah, I missed you.” He pouted, entwining our hands and tugged me along to the bar, keeping me in close proximity. My heart surged at the admission but had me a little more nervous than usual. Maybe I needed to stop reading between the lines.

“Hey Q?” He turned to me with the brightest look in his eyes, almost adoringly and I couldn’t help it.

“Yeah?” I suddenly felt like there was this weight on my chest that wouldn’t go away until I told him, and it had me going quiet.

“Do you think we could just get out of here? I’m not really feeling it anymore. Kinda tired.”

He pulled me in so that his arm was around me guiding me instead of just his hand, “yeah for sure let’s go back to mine and we’ll watch a movie or something. That sound good?”

I smiled up at him, but the pressure in the back of my mind to get my feelings off my chest didn’t let it reach my eyes.

When the Uber pulled up we made sure it was for us before we got in and Quinn pulled me into him as we sat down. It felt like things had been toeing the line lately. Little things like him looking for me in warmups, holding my hand more, or always making sure he takes care of me on nights like this. It was why it was so easy to fall for him. His hand on my thigh was burning a hole through my jeans and the circles he was making with his thumb didn’t do anything to ease the tension.

I tried to come up with anything that didn’t sound stupid when I would tell him how I felt, but nothing came to mind and it made me more nervous than before we had left.

When we finally made it up to his apartment I went straight into get-ready-for-bed mode. I tried not to think about anything as I threw on one of his t-shirts he let me borrow for when I spent the night. I went to tuck myself under his covers without a word, but he finally caught me after giving me so much space.

“Spill.” He said as he crawled in next to me. He made no move to turn the T.V on and my heart started racing. “Usually I’m the quiet one, are you okay?” He grabbed my hand but it burned too good and I gently pulled it back. Not ready quite yet to come to terms with what I was about to do.

“(Y/N) is something wrong? Did I do something?”

I just shook my head no and looked down at the comforter as I twirled a piece of my hair around my finger like I did when I was nervous.

“You gotta talk to me (Y/N/N).” He was practically pleading with me. I looked up to see the concern in his eyes, “please don’t shut me out. I can’t help you if you don’t let me. You’re starting to scare me.”

I sighed, giving up, hoping that I wasn’t making a mistake. I scooted closer to him then, and he rubbed my back soothingly like he was trying to comfort me.

“Quinn.” I glanced back up to him to see him looking at me intently. “You didn’t do anything wrong, okay?” He only nodded, silently telling me to continue.

“It’s just I don’t really know how to say this, like at all.”

“That’s okay.” He encouraged. He was giving me his undivided attention, which I appreciated, but it also kind of intimidated me.

“I- I was a little jealous at the bar.” I started and his eyes went wide.

“You were?” A slight blush spread across his cheeks as he was processing what I just said, but he pulled it together pretty quickly.

“I didn’t like it when you were talking with those girls. I mean, I’ve never liked it. But when I saw you with them tonight something just kinda clicked for me.”

He was somewhat grinning and it had me a little confused. “something clicked for me too.”

“Wh-” I tried to ask, but he was leaning forward and he gently pressed his lips to mine. It was soft and I knew he wasn’t trying to push me, but I could tell there was some underlying emotion there as he cupped my cheek in one hand and the other slowly pulled me closer by my waist. I pulled back, trying to catch my breath and slow the pumping of my heart down. He leaned his forehead against mine.

“You don’t have to be jealous. It’s you that I want to be with.” I grinned at that and he added, “I was only there to support Jake. But uh, he clearly didn’t need me.” He chuckled and I full on laughed at that.

“Clearly not.”

But he turned semi-serious once more as a smile graced his face, “be mine?”

“Always have been.” I said leaning in once more.

#huggy bear!#quinn hughes #vancouver canucks #canucks #quinn hughes blurb #kg asks #anon

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inside-of-a-fangirls-mind · 7 years ago

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Little Sneak

Brief Summary: Steve Rogers tries to hide his problems but when Wanda discovers them she decides she needs to help, in all the worst ways.

Words: 1318

Warnings: Horrible flirting, like really bad. That’s all.

Pairings: Steve Rogers x Female!Reader

Steve has been restless all week it seems, in and out of the gym. Eating a ton of food then nothing at all. Natasha even swore she was starting to see legit grays in his hair. Which everyone found funny of course.

But to Steve, it wasn't, pacing around the tower for what felt the twenty-third time he bumped into an unexpecting Wanda.

"Steve? What are you doing?" Her still heavily accent made the w seem more like a v. But everyone in the tower had grown used to it by now.

Once Steve locked eyes with her he tried to clear his mind knowing it wouldn't take much for her to get inside. "Nothing, Wanda. A stressful mission is all. Ima hit the gym." He mumbled under his breath before quickly leaving her presents.

The last thing Steve needed was Wanda butting into his life, he hadn't even talked to Bucky about this. It's not that he was afraid, but, yeah he was afraid.

It all started last week, Steve and Sam had gone to this new little diner a few blocks from the tower. Sam swore they had the best food ever and well Steve wasn't one to pass up a good meal.

However, once they arrived at the diner it couldn't have gone more wrong. It was a nice autumn day so Sam suggested they sit outside, at a table. Steve, of course, didn't have a problem with that at all. It wasn't the diner or the food or even the friendly service that made Steve so stressed out.

It was the stunning girl sitting a few table in front of them sketching in her little book. Steve had been in her situation time and time again. But when her eyes met his blue ones he nearly had a heart attack. Sure yeah, he was old but he wasn't sure what it was about this girl. Maybe the way she stood out? Her y/h/c hair styled messily, her plain black shirt and sweater, the cup of tea or coffee sitting on the table. Unlike so many other females in New York, she looked out of place.

Maybe a library or a park would be a better place for her. Not on the corner of this busy stress where the dinner sat.

The whole time Steve sat there staring at her, of course, Sam had noticed. Steve normally didn't have that stupid star-struck look on his face for nothing.

Once Sam turned around and saw the girl he smiled and chuckled. "Why don't you just go ask her out instead of staring. It will have a much better outcome."

But Steve just shook his head and sighed "I'm way too busy Sam." Being a good friend Sam let him off the hook with just that. But as soon as Steve was fumbling with his glass of water from nervousness, it was poured all over him.

He jumped out of his seat wiping at his pants with napkins, his cheeks dusted pink. As soon as he looked up he locked eyes with the same girl as she covered her mouth in a giggle. Surely he looked like an idiot.

She merely collected her things and offered another small smile before disappearing into the crowd of people on the corner waiting for the light to change.

And every day Steve would go to have lunch there and see her. Every time they would lock eyes she would offer a shy smile before going back to her sketch and after an hour disappear like normal.

With a loud sigh, he was pulled back to reality, throwing another hard punch at the bag in front of him.

"So that's why you're so restless."

Steve jerked his head around to see none other than Wanda standing in the doorway with her arms crossed. "W-what?" He choked out, knowing all too well she was inside his head.

"That pretty girl as gotten you all flustered. In more ways than one too." She chimed crossing the gym towards him.

"Drop it. She's just some girl." He huffed

"Steve, she's more than just that. Here let me give you some secret girl advice on how to win her." Wanda hums before smiling softly.

Honestly, Steve was at the end of his rope about this girl and needed the help. "Ok.."

The next day you were just getting out of your Art class when you were heading to the diner. It had been a wonderful place to finish up working on your sketches and find new drawing material. Like the beautiful blonde man who ate there almost every day.

Sitting at the same table you always did you ordered a cup of tea and started on a sketch of the empty tables around you. Checking your watch you noticed it was almost 1, he would be here soon.

As soon as your tea arrived so did he, but he didn't sit at the normal table. No this time he walked right up to your table and at across from you.

"I hope this seat isn't taken." His voice was smooth and velvety, you felt like you wanted to melt into him.

"N-no" you squeaked out shyly, he's never so much as waved to you. Why was he now sitting at your table talking to you?

"I'm Steve by the way. I see you come here all the time and well I thought it was time to introduce myself." He smiled holding his hand out across the table nearly knocking over your tea.

You grab your sketchbook and hold it to your chest protectively before glancing to him again. "Oh man. I'm so sorry. I just. I wanted to woo a beautiful lady like yourself in hopes of spending the night together." He awkwardly recited the line Wanda fed him before watching your cheeks go bright red.

"You want to what??" Sure your voice was a little louder than it should've been, but this man just basically told you he wanted to get you into his bed and he didn't even know you! You stand up with your book leaving money on the table before starting to walk away.

Steve jumps up after you and grabs your arm lightly. "Hey!" He started but as soon as you looked at him he wanted to run away. "I- I didn't mean it like that. I just-" he stuttered hoping she could understand something even he couldn't.

She stared at him a moment longer before sighing, "You didn't mean to ask me into your bed tonight?" You thought this was some kind of sick joke. This man was gorgeous, you were at best average.

His face couldn't have gotten more red as he realized what Wanda had fed him. "I- i- i-" He stuttered hopelessly before pulling away from her. He looked horrified, "I'm so sorry. I- I didn't..."

Just looking at his face he looked sincere, maybe he wasn't so bad. "Hey, did someone tell you to say that?" You asked softly taking a step closer to him.

All he could do was nod as he stared at the ground defeated. This tall, towering man couldn't even find a way to ask you out. You couldn't help yourself as you leaned up and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

"Steve, I'd love to go on a real date with you." You whisper hoping you weren't reading the situation all wrong, but cmon. This man was adorable!

He smiled, his shyness lifting a tad bit. "Really you would?"

"I already said yes Steve." You chuckle softly if only you knew how much your life was going to change.

#Steve Rogers #Steve rogers x reader #steve x reader #captain america x reader #captain america #fluff #steve rogers fluff #captain america fluff #reader insert #flufff #wanda maximoff #avengers #marvel #fanfic #marvel fanfic

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ecotone99 · 5 years ago

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[HM] Bluntjob, The Epic story of a Giant Joint and Blunt, faced with saving mankind from extinction!

Bluntjob

Narrated By Robot Batman

One day, 1000 years in the future, mankind was on the brink of collapse. But there were 2 guys who just didn’t give a fuck about the apocalypse, and they weren’t even guys at all. One of them, named Blunt, smoked 4000 blunts in one sitting, He was recognized by the inter dimensional entities for being a hard motherfucker, so they turned him into a human-blunt hybrid with super powers. The other one, Fatass Joint, has a tragic back story. When he was 8 years old, his mad scientist parents were entranced by their experiments. They lost sight of the little things that mattered, and only wanted results. They injected their son with refined crocodile vomit, 200 joints, and enough steroids to send you to the gulag for life. He was transformed into a fatass joint with human appendages, and he was strong as fuck. Together, Blunt and Joint will work tirelessly to save mankind from complete extinction. And soon, they would be facing their most menacing enemy yet.

Light me up, and blow me up your ass

It was a shitty day on the slowly sinking apartment complex. They were in the middle of god knows where, but it was the tallest building within 200 miles. They were with the last 50 humans on the planet. And if they didn’t get their shit together soon, there would be no one. “Hey Blunt, I just want to let you know, that if we die, and you die first, I’m definitely smoking you.” Joint joked. “Hahaha, well we both know that if we died, you’d be the first to go.” Blunt laughed and started geeking out which made Joint laugh until he threw up. The only thing he ate all day was the entire last jar of spicy pickles. 90% of the world was covered in water at this point. And not to mention the giant sea monsters that mutated from all of the pollutants that leaked into the water after everything flooded. But as fate would have it, they were close to the last 10%. The only landmass left on the planet. Perhaps something was out there rooting humanity on. Some of the humans that were left with B&J were the baddest of the bad. Many of them went through hell to get to this point. Making unfathomable sacrifices, decisions you couldn’t even comprehend, and through all of it they stood up to the universe and fought back. Many of them could be a warrior, a doctor, and engineer, all in one, whatever needed to be done, they had to be able to do it. Chuck Norris was one of the leaders of these OP Monkeys and he and a small group of survivors approached the 2 anomalies. Chuck spit on the ground to assert his dominance amongst the other monkeys, and walked towards B&J, this was serious. “You assholes have been getting high for 6 hours now! Can we for fucking 2 seconds talk about how we’re all about to die! We have less then 24 hours before this building sinks and we all become mutant fish food!” “Yoo Joint, this sounds pretty serious man. I mean we’re made out of paper and weed, you know. Ehh, I guess realistically we would be fine but these guys definitely would die.” “I think we should smoke on it.” Joint rolled another joint and lit it up. “You 2 are the fucking worst super heroes. If I had powers, we would have been off of this building and safe! We would be fucking like we were the last people on earth! Oh wait, we are!” Chuck was angry, mainly because nobody had the privacy to jerk off and it had been a few weeks. Another survivor, Karen (generally disliked, she’s anti-vax) approached the 2 heroes coughing and fell to the ground, she was blistering everywhere. Chuck took one look at her and yelled “Nooo! Damn you Karen, your anti-vax ways have killed us all!” She had contracted the horrible manmade disease, mega pig gonorrhea. It was lab formulated along with its cure after a strong government had taken over the entire world, they oppressed the people to horrible ends. Create a problem, sell the solution. If you couldn’t pay the $1000 for the cure, you were as good as dead. At the same time this was going on, a lot of secrets were being exposed within the government itself, including the secret love child of a high ranking government official, Also at the same time, a secret plan was taking place, they were freezing people to one day awaken when mankind needed them the most. Chuck Norris was included in this project. Why was Karen included in this band of survivors? She was the secret love child, frozen away never to be seen for possibly thousands of years. It was the best way to get rid of her for good, a 30 year old anti-vaxxer soccer mom fated to save humanity from extinction, all because of the corruption of one man. “Blunt, what are we going to do!? This is one of the worst diseases mankind has ever faced!” “Well Joint, im gonna have to be square with you. I kept this a secret until now, because I didn’t think we would ever need it. But my smoke can be used to heal diseases. There is only one catch, you have to blow the smoke up their ass.” Joint went pale. “Are-Are you sure that’s the only way bro?” “Yes I’m sure, I know this doesn’t sound pleasing to you, but if you think about it, I’m technically the one who has to be in their assholes, so I’m suffering just as much as you are. I wont think any less of you Joint.” Blunt threw a lighter to Joint. “This has to be done Joint, it’s the only way!” Joint lit the top of blunt and took a huge rip from his convenient smoke hole. He went to chuck, because he was closest, and blew the smoke right up his butthole. Chuck coughed a few times and stood up. Luckily he was way too fried to figure out what happened. But Blunt started hysterically laughing, chuck looked down and realized he had no pants on and got really insecure. “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?” He yelled for pretty much no reason. Blunt started walking around the room and people started getting up. Joint realizing he had been tricked, started gagging and coughing, toilet paper was not a commodity that they had. “Damn Joint, the apocalypse never gets old when I’m with your dumb ass!” Blunt said with tears rolling down his eyes from the hysterical laughter he couldn’t seem to stop.

Out of the Butt, Into the Fuck

After another smoke sesh, everyone got hard to work on a solution. Nobody knew exactly what to do, but they all knew that when they did know, they would be sure what to do. “I really hate to be a buzzkill Joint, but we don’t have any weed left and I’m getting tired of smoking myself. If we can find land somewhere we can grow all the weed that we want to! Think about it man, we’re sitting roaches here.” Joint took a second to think about it, and stood up with a determined look. “I know what we have to do.” On the roof of the apartment, B&J gathered everyone together, and told them the big plan. Some of them had their doubts, but if it didn’t work they would die anyways. They waited for hours, for the sun to start setting, when the sea monsters were the hungriest. The sky was a beautiful shade of purple, pink, orange, even wisps of gold. Nobody said a single word the entire time, they waited anxiously for the time to come. If they failed, so would the human race. The sun had just hit the horizon, and it was time to put the plan in to action. The survivors started a massive fire capable of burning for days. Joint took his place by the raging fire. When the time would come, he would light his tip, and jump into a sea monster blowhole. The only thing they needed was bait, but naturally Chuck Norris stepped up to the plate. They tied him up on a rope and threw him into the water. “Please keep an eye out, I don’t feel like dying to a fish.” There was nothing for him to worry about, Blunt was watching the water closely, and he has special eyes. They waited for hours, the building was probably minutes from sinking completely, and everyone for sure thought that they were fucked. But just then, Blunt saw 2 huge red eyes start to come up from the depths! “Cmon big daddy! Get ready mothafuckas here it comes!” Blunt was psyched to finally get some action! The beast was so massive that you could see it’s eyes from 200 feet deep. Within 20 seconds, the creature was all the way up to the surface! In that second, Joint lit his tip, Karen let out a mighty sneeze, chuck looked down and clenched his ass cheeks so hard that he pulled a muscle, and blunt started pulling chuck back from the beast. The giant orca whale was covered in black and white sparkling scales and each scale was the size of the apartment complex they were stuck on. The orca was a foot away from chucks body, when joint jumped straight into the whales blowhole! Joints super strength stopped the momentum of the giant whale, and even caused a giant shockwave, shaking the building! This was the first penetration moment for the whale and it was confused. It stopped attacking chuck, took a huge rip of joint and got so high that it became chill. It was instantly fried because joints body is 99.99% thc. Blunt pulled chuck up and chuck was screaming the entire time. “Stop screaming you’re fine man, hit this shit and relax.” “Fuck you Blunt I was inches away from getting eaten by a mutant demon whale!” “But you didn’t so why are you so mad? Come on man, let’s get everyone on the whale and find somewhere to live, everything’s gonna be alright.” Everyone got on top of the giant whale and even though they had no idea where to go, or what to do, they had fate on their side. The whale got caught in a big current that was taking them straight to land.

Finally, I can jerk off

At the same time that B&J and the survivors were floating towards land, something bigger was taking place. That strongest threat I mentioned, it was pure evil. And they were headed straight towards it. His name is Xan The Man. His backstory, is even sadder then joints, it’s the worst fate for a human. Loneliness. His father was a total incel twat. He only looked at women as objects for men to use, and treated Xan (once known as Greg.) and his mother like they were below human. His mother was strong though, and one day she saved up enough money to run away! She took Greg and ran away across the world. But their luck would not hold up. His mom caught Type 2 Mega Pig Gonorrhea. The 2nd version that the World Government released. She underestimated the power of the type 2, Her strength was her downfall. Greg was broken, he was alone, he had barely any money, no place to live, nothing to live for. He got a part time job and spent most of his money on food and xanax. He was only 16 but he had to grow up with nobody there for him. He finally got sick of living that way, and he chose to give it all up. He didn’t see the value in himself anymore. He forgot that he was capable of an infinite amount of things. He created a device that could refine any pill that he wanted to, and put 1000 Xanax into the machine and pressed it all into a super xanny bar. Greg gulped nervously, threw it into his mouth, and gulped it down with an entire glass of water. He died instantly. But his soul was not ready to go. An ancient demon sensed all of his evil and hatred, he possessed Greg years before he died, Greg struggled with it for his entire life. But when he died, he was not granted passage into the next. As long as the demon lived, Greg was bound to the planet as Xan the Man. The demon took the form of a Gigantic xanax bar the size of an elephant, with giant blue eyes. It’s said that the demon was affected by the drug for 3 weeks. At first, Xan was a weak entity. He was slowly waking up his power, but the apocalypse came. This gave Xan the perfect opportunity to awaken his true powers, as there were was only chaos left in the world. He became a true monster. He brainwashed many people into following him and killed them, using their souls to create powerful minions. He could only make few of these minions though, as each minion took a part of his power as well to animate. He spent all of the time that the world was collapsing, to build an evil empire. B&J were strong, but could they truly kill such a horrible beast!? If the stars aligned, maybe they could pull it off. They were powerful too, but were they lucky? As they were riding the waves, one of the survivors noticed something in the distance. “Holy fuck are those mountains!? Trees!? We can find water and food now?” Chuck started laughing. He put his hand on the guys shoulder and said “Kid, I think everything is gonna be alright.” They made landfall, It was a soft yellow sandy beach, as far as the eye could see in both directions. In front of them, it seemed like paradise, a thick jungle with beautiful giant mountains, unfortunately for them, it was getting dark and they didn’t have much time to set up a nice base. Full well knowing this, all of the guys took a step off the whale, and all went off in their own direction, thinking the exact same thing.

Mind over Matter

After all the guys were done spanking their monkeys, their other carnal desire took over. “Oy, i haven’t had anything besides maggoty bread for 3 stinkin days!” One of the survivors said. This has no relation to LOTR, it was just true. “Can’t we just eat the whale?” Tiffany said. Tiffany was known for a deep love of big throbbing meat. She once took 3 1/2 meats at once all to herself. She also really liked eating meat as well. “Looks like meat is back on the menu bitches!” They killed the whale, and although he had a significant role in this story, he won’t ever get the credit he deserves. But I know mr demon whale. Semper Fidelis. Half of the survivors butchered the whale while the others started work on a giant fire. It was literally giant like a 30 foot circle on the beach. Pretty nice job not gonna lie. They had a massive feast, and the combination of post nut clarity, full bellies, and the stars above them, made the men all fall asleep by the fire. The lazy shits. The women however, stepped up to the plate. Elizabeth and a few other women approached B&J who immediately went off on their own, down the beach. They were getting ready to plant weed before they even got off of the whale. Elizabeth was a natural born beauty, but even more importantly, she was a leader. Her best friend Daeshona was right by her side and was even more beautiful. She had supreme wisdom and a loving heart. And despite how bad everything looked for humanity, everyone was in a good mood. Grateful to still have a chance at life. “Thank you guys. I know nobody has properly said this yet, but it needs to be said. Without you, we wouldn’t be here right now. All of us owe you our lives. And I hope we can continue to count on you, humanity needs you.” Elizabeth said to B&J. They were bent over planting seeds of course, seeds they had picked straight from their own bodies. They both looked at her, and then without saying a word, went straight back to planting. Liz was pretty annoyed with this. But she knew how to stay cool, calm, and collected, without sacrificing her inner bad bitch. She bent over and whispered right into B&Js faces “I..said..thank..you.. Did you smoke so much you forgot how to speak English?” She had their attention now. Joint sighed and looked at Blunt. Blunt nodded softly and started speaking “Listen... we aren’t doing this for you, we aren’t the super hero’s you think we are. We’re only doing this because we made a promise to someone a long time ago. It’s someone, and something that you know nothing about. We will always protect humanity as long as we are here, but don’t get it wrong. We aren’t interested in being your hero, or your savior, or your leader, or anything like that.” She looked at Joint, and his previously happy demeanor had completely changed, he had a single tear rolling down his cheek. He walked into the darkness but the girls could hear him choking back his tears. Blunt, almost as if he was getting down onto his knees in utter defeat, Bent down and shook his head. “Whatever this promise was, it was something deep.” Elizabeth thought to herself. Only Liz and Daeshona had heard what Blunt had said, and seeing their saviors in such a sorry state, put a damper on the general mood. The optimism and calmness was replaced with doubt and anxiety. Daeshona noticed this and knew that they had to do something. “Ok listen up ladies! Play time is over!” She yelled, she looked to Elizabeth and nodded her head. “Daeshona is right! For gods sake ladies we just made it across the ocean on a giant demon whale, just in time to dodge the reapers cold, wet, hands. Not to mention the impossible odds we went through to even make it that far! Even through all of that, we made it here together, we’re safe here, we can start rebuilding society, start families, and we can do things right this time!” Some of the girls started cheering. “Right now, what’s important is staying positive. We have the chance to focus on living and not just surviving, but we have to stay strong to get there. Nothing is more important then that. I love you all, but to be honest, I’m scared too. We have no idea what’s out there. What obstacles will come up, what fortunes will bless us, but we have each other right now. And just like everything else, we can get through this together.” The men were woken up by the commotion and although they only heard the end where Daeshona yelled “So what do you say ladies!? Who’s ready to kick some ass!?” And all the women started chanting “kick some ass” over and over this was enough to get them hyped up over whatever was happening. The simpletons. Blunt and Joint, totally inspired by Elizabeth’s speech, walked up to her. Joint laughed half embarrassed half impressed and said “See, we really aren’t the true hero’s of this story. See how happy everyone is now. Sure, everything is stacked against us, we could totally die in like 10 seconds at any point in time, but one little spark of hope and humanity will cling to it like they are the universe and it’s the last star. To them, we will always be the ones who defended them when they needed it, the shield they keep close in a fight. But you’ll always be their last star Liz. You are the hope of humanity.” Elizabeth was surprised at this huge compliment, blushed and started tearing up. She turned to all of the survivors, now in a positive mood, planning, laughing, getting ready to face the unknown. Chuck waved to Liz, signaling her over. She grinned, got ready to say something, but when she turned around, Blunt and Joint had already gone back to planting their precious bud. She laughed to herself and ran over to the survivors, determined to lead her people to a good life. However amongst all the good that was happening, what they didn’t notice was that some of Xans minions had been attracted to the light caused by the giant fire. They started to run back to their base to alert Xan, but it would take some time to get back to their home. The survivors had time, but not much.

Pants are for the weak

After a long but well spent night of hard work, all of the people started to fall asleep, they had some shelter, some beds made of palm leaves, some spears, but not really much else. However this was enough to satisfy them for now, and sleep was the only thing they could think about anymore anyways. Blunt and Joint on the other hand, were super badasses who didn’t need no sleep. As the Sun was rising over the water, slowly illuminating the paradise they had found, B&J were sat side by side waiting to harvest the weed they had planted 8 hours prior. “These are taking a bit longer to grow then the last batch eh Joint?” “Well Blunt if you don’t remember, last time you got impatient and caught all of the plants on fire! Pretty sure you said “fuck it I can’t wait anymore man” Threw them in a fire pit and left your face over the smoke for 2 hours.” Blunt started wheezing from laughing so hard and said “Yeah just making sure you didn’t forget buddy.” His laughter caused him to knock a plant into the sand. “Ahh look what you did, that one is yours man.” Joint said, now laughing himself. And just in that moment, the buds all simultaneously bloomed on the plants, some as big as a fat baby. Excited, Joint let out a howl like a lone wolf. Blunt howled back but much louder. Joint couldn’t handle how pussy his howl was compared to Blunts, and howled again but even louder! This caused a series of back and forth howls that got so intense that it sounded like 2 werewolves trying anal for the first time. They kept going until somewhere off in the distance, something decided to howl back. Wasn’t much of a howl though, more like the lifeless screech of an ancient demon hungry for souls. Xan had heard the 2 howling, and mistook B&J for giant 2 legged alligator wolves. Something Xan was not in the mood to deal with. He let out his most terrifying yell hoping to scare the beasts away. Dumbass. The howling had woken up the survivors, and even though they all heard the evil screech, they were too out of it to really care. They just wanted some demon whale steak. Blunt and Joint however, were thoroughly shook. It sent shivers down their seams, made goosebuds all over them, and made Joint fart a lil squeaker. They quickly got Chuck and Liz, and frantic to get the people ready for whatever abomination was on its way, quickly told them “Listen, something bad is going to happen, real bad. Something is on its way here right now, and it wants to kill all of us, possibly worse. This is beyond any evil you know of. You need to get everyone ready to fight and you need to prepare to lose us today. Blunt and I must meditate and draw out the true power within us. I can sense the creature, it draws nearer every second. We have less then an hour before we must fight. Their is no more time. Please, you 2 must do this now!” Blunt smiled and put one hand on each Elizabeth and chucks shoulder. “You 2 got this. Don’t worry about us, worry about your people.” “You’re our people too, you know. And you’re the ones who don’t need to worry, me and Chuck have this handled.” Liz smiled back, and then knuckle bumped Chuck. The 2 groups turned around at the same time, the King and Queen walked to the others, and the Knights walked into the ocean. They smoked a huge amount of weed, and had the most intense meditation sesh in the history of consciousness. The things they saw, experienced, learned, could never be described by word. And when they sensed that the evil was less then 2 minutes away, they both opened their eyes, with a newfound peace of mind and confidence. They were completely focused on combat. A flock of blood red seagulls flew overhead, as if they were flying away from the intense power emanating off of Xan the Man. “Hey Blunt, you remember that promise we made to our sensei? Back when all of this started? Do you think we can keep it?” Joint said. “Quit acting like a baby Joint, if we can’t, we’ll die along with the promise anyways. The only way to keep his legacy going, is for us to survive, and to keep that promise forever. It’s time to fight, are you ready or not?” “Of course I’m ready. I’m just not sure if we can win.” “Me neither, but it doesn’t matter does it. We have to fight.” They both looked at each other and laughed. “Of course we got this, now cmon, our friends are waiting for us.” B&J joined the survivors, They were lined up, ready to fight for their lives. Some of them had managed to make themselves some makeshift armor out of twigs and whale scales, and a couple of whale scale spears. Most of them just had wooden spears and the clothes on their backs though. The armored ones were the front line, including Chuck, and Karen who was actually pretty good at kicking ass. B&J posted themselves in front of the armored people in hopes that they wouldn’t have to fight at all. Xan was so close now that they could hear the branches breaking and the trees falling in the forest. Any second now, annnnny second, just one more, andddd boom goes the dynamite. Everything suddenly went slow-motion for Blunt and Joint. This was the make or break moment for mankind, and the adrenaline spike caused their perception of time to distort momentarily. Their usually goofy demeanors were replaced by a fire that could burn down hell. Xan busted out of the forest with 2 of his minions on his back, took one look at the group in front of him, and let out a roaring and condescending laugh. “This is what you 2 fools were afraid of!? A couple of half baked pirates and some meat sacks barely hanging on? I should have you 2 sent to the doctor and checked because it appears you both LOST YOUR BALLS! Hahahaha!” Blunt took this moment to point out something important. “Hey ugly, I think you forgot your pants at home. We’re you that excited for your first day of schooling?” “Silence you nimrod, you shall address me as Xan the Man, and I’ll have you know that I am a being beyond pants. If I had to wear pants I would be no different from you sorry lot. No, I choose the pants less travelled.” “Well Xan the garbage can, pants or no pants, you underestimate us. We will defeat you, and make you put pants on. My name, is Fatass Joint, you already met my associate, Blunt. And as long as you are pantsless, you’ll be our personal punching bag!”

Zen and the art of Marijuana

Each of the minions jumped off of Xans back. According to Joint they resembled “Fat fucking cats but way bigger..” Realistically though one was half man, half tiger, and the other was man mixed with a lion. Extremely large claws, massive jaws with razor sharp teeth, and muscles that could make Arnold Schwarzenegger drool. All with the intelligence of a man. These were no ordinary opponents. “Joint, Blunt, leave these 2 house cats to me.” Chuck said courageous and confidently. Stepping in front of them, spear pointed at the beasts. “Hahaha, it’s been a while since I got to beat some pussy up!” And without another second going by, chuck leapt over 15 feet, within inches of the lion, and struck his spear straight through the lions chest. Quick to react though, the lion was able to move his body just enough to avoid a fatal blow through his heart. Chuck noticed this and used all of his force to throw the spear through the lion, sending the lion flying back into a tree. “See, one down already!” Chuck yelled. Amidst the conflict, Xan started muttering phrases of an ancient language very quietly. Not even Xans minions knew how he attacked. He attacked using his secret chants and inner power to draw energy from hell. He knew things from before even mankind existed. “Heh, not bad for a normal human. But don’t count me out yet, I’m just getting started with you. Blunt noticed a shift in the Lions energy and saw its eyes turn from brown to a bright glowing red. He knew he had to strike the lion while it was still weak. He shot a Rasta colored lazer beam from his eyeballs, obliterating the animals upper half. “Now it’s dead, try doing that with a spear.” Blunt said. Chucks jaw dropped in awe. Xan was slightly annoyed by this, but the man tiger, was furious. He rushed over to his deceased brothers body, and absorbed the rest of the lions power into his own. This caused a great shockwave, pushing back everyone, even Xan. The tiger started to transform into a new beast entirely. He no longer even slightly resembled a man. His humanity was gone, replaced with a deep blood lust and predatory instinct to kill. His body completely turned into that of a demon twisted lion with a tiger head and a tail made of the burning essence of hell, said to be hotter than the sun itself, yet concentrated and contained. “That’s one for the books eh boys!?” Blunt said turning around, he went to high five Joint but before he could the awakened demon tiger rammed his head so hard that it sent him into a temporary dream state, in which he was swimming in a pool full of weed. It also sent him flying backwards at a super high speed. He quickly reoriented himself but before he was ready the tiger was already lunging in for another attack. It’s jaws clenched around blunts neck but Joint was right behind them and was able to uppercut it, sending it flying up in the air. The tiger wasn’t going to let an opportunity go to waste though and slashed Joint with his tail. Joint instantly caught on fire and started freaking out. “Stop drop and roll Joint! Stop drop and roll!” Chuck started yelling. He frantically started rolling around in the sand, unfortunately for him, leaving him open for another attack. This time the monster rammed into Joint at Mach speed, pushing him into the dirt and leaving a massive crater. Blunt drop kicked the tiger beast away from Joint and used his weed powers to create a greatsword made out of his own body. Although this sword was made of weed, it was sharper then any manmade sword could dream of being. “You okay man!?” He said. “Yeah just give me a second, damn that really knocked the smoke out of me.” The tiger demon landed on his feet, and pounced straight at blunt, its loss of intelligence was ultimately its downfall. Fueled by blind rage, the beast dove straight into Blunts swing, cutting itself perfectly in half. Joint was in the process of standing up when this happened, but looked up just in time to see half of the animal flying towards him. He quickly moved out of the way and watched the 2 parts of the beast fly another 100 feet out into the ocean. Within a second a monkey shark grabbed the mangled mess of a creature and swam its free lunch down to the bottom of the ocean. Joint looked at Blunt, who looked at Chuck, who was collapsing to the ground in front of them. They looked around them and noticed the rest of the survivors starting to collapse too. “What the hell is happening!?” They were fine just a second ago!” Blunt yelled. “Well well well, I see you two are immune to my sleeping spell. Isn’t this a treat. It’s been over 10,000 years since I’ve been in a real fight! You may have been stronger then my minions, but don’t get too cocky. The fun hasn’t even started yet!” Xan belched deep, and like a dragon, he spewed out a thick mist of unbelievably potent xanax dust. B&J instantly moved back a few hundred feet down the beach. “How are we gonna handle this guy Blunt? He has no pants!” “Forget the pants man! They aren’t important. And forget fighting too! No amount of violence will solve this fight. No, pain is what got him to this state, marijuana is the only way to save him now. I know you aren’t going to like this Joint, but I know how to stop him.” Joint already knew exactly what Blunt was going to say, and with the look of the 2 hardest motherfuckers, they faced their enemy. It was time to either end this, or die trying. Blunt started shooting lazers at Xan the man in hopes to distract him while Joint ran to grab his torch. Xan noticed the lazers and quickly chanted something. The lazers went right through Xan, like he was a ghost. Blunt braced himself for the counter attack. But internally he was scared. Those lazers were one of his stronger attacks and they didn’t even leave a mark. Xan chanted again and sent a shower of sharp xanax crystals flying towards Blunt, each one that hit Blunt sent him flying back 10 feet and screaming in pain! Blunt, with multiple crystals now sticking out of his body, was still standing strong. He still had an ace up his sleeve, but if he used it too soon, they would fail. He just needed to hold out in time for Joint! Before he could attack back, Xan was already chanting again. This time hells essence started shooting out of the ground like geysers in a straight line towards Blunt, each one getting larger. Blunt dodged the attack and started running towards Xan at full speed. Or so Xan thought. Behind the giant explosions of fire and sand, Blunt had secretly cloned himself and hid just under the surface of the sand. Xan was unaware of this and started to attack the clone, the clone however was able to dodge Xans attacks, even though he knew he should be connecting. “What is this annoyance? Have you sent a clone after me? Don’t tell me your so scared that you would run away from a fight! How pathetic are you!?” Xan babbled. Blunt came out from under the sand, he wasn’t trying to fight, just buy time. Luckily for him, Joint was already back and ready to put their plan into full swing. Joint lit Blunt up and got ready to end the fight once and for all. “Alright you pantsless freak. We’ve had enough of your games. Either come at us like you mean it, or quit wasting our time.” Joint said, trying to provoke Xan into a close ranged fight. The bait worked, almost a little to well as within the blink of an eye Xan was over Joint and Blunts body. He slammed himself into the 2, but Joint pushed back, using all of his strength to stop Xan. The force of this caused a tidal wave so massive that it hit the opposite end of the landmass 2 weeks later. “Now Blunt! Do it now!” Blunt used his ace, he mixed the sand with hemp fibers from his body, turning it into a thick paste, which quickly hardened to be stronger than diamonds. He stuck Xan to ground but this wouldn’t last long. “Your play Joint. Hurry it up!” Joint took a huge rip from Blunts body, ran behind Xan, and blew the smoke straight up his asshole. Boofing usually isn’t this violent kids. Xan let out a horrible scream, like he had just learned how to look inward. Millions of years of 0 introspection, and evil acts were all starting to catch up with the demon. He fell down, got in the fetal position, and started mumbling to himself. “I regret my entire existence. Why couldn’t I have lived for the full experience of life itself instead of just the negativity it brings?” Xan transformed back into Greg’s human body. Although he was still dead, his body had a slight smile on its face. He could finally meet the peace he deserved. Bluddy, broken, and bruised, B&J plopped down on the ground and both let out a big sigh of relief. Each of them lit up a fat ass joint and a killer blunt. “Do you think they’ll wake up soon B?” “Man, I hope not.”

The End

And how am I here you ask? Well, unfortunately I couldn’t save the world this time. But having my consciousness downloaded into a robots body, has given me another chance to protect mankind. And I’ll continue to watch over them until the day my batteries die.

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