#clearly this demo recording is shitty as hell i literally did it with my iphone

[xxmolls]

You tell me you have experienced so much more than me. That may be true, but that is not necessarily a good thing.

I have seen you hit rock bottom more times than I can count. I have tried desperately to hold you together when you come back to us in pieces, my arms weak and shaking with my own unresolved traumas.

I fear for you, but I also fear you. Sometimes I do not recognize you, but sometimes your features are as familiar to me as my own. I find thoughts that remind me of yours bleeding into my mind. That kind of connection makes it easier for you to hurt me. You don’t even have to do it on purpose. Any time you are hurt, I can feel the pain as viscerally as if I had jumped in front of you to bear its brunt. I wish I had. I wish I could.

*

Our connection is rooted in blood. That is easy to see. But beyond our genetics, we have endured so much together. Despite being gifted a stable home to thrive in, we both have seemed to find ways to sabotage that safety.

My brain often rebels against me. Whether it’s making my limbs flail without my permission, or being invaded by a hungry bacteria from a hungry tick, I constantly find myself in a fight with this stubborn rogue agent in my skull.

Even without its cooperation, I feel like my brain cannot overpower me. I know myself, and I know my truth. I can fall to the ground spectacularly, but I have always been able to pick myself up and march forward.

Your brain lies to you. It tells you you are unworthy, unlovable. It tells you you are not pretty enough, not skinny enough. Your body is in constant fight or flight mode; it has been since you were in our mother’s womb. Your brain always tells you to flee.

*

When you were a little girl you had the biggest heart. You were written into a classmate’s IEP because you were the only one to be kind to him and accepting of his quirks. You insisted on giving your pocket change to homeless people on the street, and worried yourself into a panic attack over if they had anything to eat.

Your friends and peers were vicious. At age 8, your classmate forced everyone to sign a contract that they would not be friends with one of the other girls. You were the only one in the class who refused to sign.

I see so many good things in you. I always have.

You are funny, you are clever, you can be loving and kind. You are beautiful.

I wish I had been a better sister. I wish I had protected that little girl and her bleeding heart.

You’ve experienced too much now to allow that girl to stay and fight. You’ve had to hide your heart behind anything you can find to numb how much pain you are in.

You do not see good in people anymore. You are always expecting to be hurt.

You think you deserve to be hurt, and so you often look for love with men who fulfill that expectation. You love men who truly do not deserve you.

Still you hang on. You will not break up with a man, no matter how horribly he treats you. The only way you will be free of him is if he sets you free.

*

Every time a man does something terrible, something truly unforgivable to you, we think this is finally the time you will fight for yourself and cut him loose. You try to break free with a clean cut, and we are hopeful that he is gone.

You come back to us and start to heal. In the absence of his abuse and fury, we see pieces of the girl you used to allow us to see.

You tell us you are strong. You tell us you will not ever take him back. You tell us you know how horribly he treated you, and that you know you deserve better.

We start to dream of a future for you. One where you are with someone who truly loves and cares for you. One where you are safe and treated with the kindness and grace that you will not afford yourself.

Each time, just as you are starting to heal, and just as we are starting to dream, he comes calling.

He calls you saying all the same things: how he misses you, how he loves you, how you’re the only one he has in his life so he’s lonely and sad and he needs you…

… and you immediately go running back to him.

*

You have experienced more than me. 

I’ve lived my life as cautious as possible. I will shut someone out if they hurt me too much.

(the only one in my life that I never could was you)

I am so careful and protective with my love, that sometimes I fear I withhold it too much.

You don’t withhold your love, but you hide it.

Sometimes I can find it in the way you trust me to love you unconditionally.

I’ve never had a man destroy me and make me hate all the broken pieces of myself, but sometimes when I feel close to you, I find your experiences bleeding into the songs that I find in my head.

I hope this song can give you the strength to leave him for good.

Fall For You

I feel strong like my mind knows right from wrong I worked hard to stay this calm and clear-eyed Did my time even though my only crime was my mental decline running wild But you need chaos to thrive And you need to hurt to stay alive And you feel better when you're high and you want me to be flying by your side When you call I don't feel strong at all You know I'm gonna crawl back to you When you call you know I'm in your thrall But I don't want to take this fall for you Runs through my head that I'd be better off dead so all those pretty words you said would cast no spell They sink right in and pull me back to you again I think you're branded on my skin and you can tell All those pretty words you whispered to me All those little flaws you held over me All the dignity you squeezed out of me I'm terrified you'll never set me free 'Cause when you call I don't feel strong at all You know I'm gonna crawl back to you When you call you know I'm in your thrall but I don't want to take this fall for you I don't want to take this fall for you I don’t want to take this fall for you I don't want to fall for you