#clearly im not wanted around here and if i were petty id think 'ill distance myself to teach them a lesson'

[babbyspinchh]

my parents really are never going to change. theyre a team and im on my own. in the most literal sense

[amuelle]

Surprise, surprise…YOU ARE the poison.

We are officially in 2019. All the people who were being cut off in 2019 have been cut off. You might just be the toxic person and now you have to deal with knowing you aren’t that great. As I just found out recently….

(Names were changed in the production of this post to protect the identity of participants���but she knows who she is and I’m not sorry….)

I think it’s important to maintain relationship and it’s not difficult to do. I’ve always prided myself on being a great communicator and maintaining relationships. I know I’m not the easiest person to love or get to know. It also takes a lot to get past my initial ‘hard’ exterior. Deep down inside past the sarcasm and smart mount…I’m really a sweetheart….Really. Its something I have complete security in. I know this about myself, I am a great communicator and friend. I was absolutely certain about it but I recently found out that that is not the experience that everyone has had with me. I rarely make new friends, however on occasion you meet someone who can make a valuable contribution to your life in the form of a new friend. I met this one lady – Lola, a long time ago when we were kids. We only became friends when a mutual friend reintroduced us in our 20s. We became a girl gang who hung out every weekend and grew close over a few years and it was a great time.

Part of adulating is accepting you aren’t always a ray of sunshine, you too can be a trash human being at times. Just because you don’t think something about yourself or are convinced you are a great human being that doesn’t make it true. Let me make a personal example – I know I’m loving and know how to show love. Just because I think I’m loving that doesn’t mean that everyone in my life agrees with that.  It doesn’t also mean that that’s how they experience me. My belief that I’m loving doesn’t negate the negative experiences people have had with me.

Recently….well not recently, Lola cut me off a long time ago but my slow ass only caught off after actually confronting the issue with her. We had a spat and I still admit I acted like a dick and I apologised for it when I realised where I had gone wrong. I apologised profusely. I apologised like I was Ruben Studdard and it was 2004, like Kobe did when he was caught cheating….I APOLOGISED…On more than one occasion and I thought we were solid but this was not the case. After noticing her distance herself I decided to reach out because maybe she was just living her life and still wanted to be homies. She didn’t respond to my text and I started to worry but I didn’t have the courage to address it. So it persisted to bother me and finally I reached out again and still no response but this time a bitch had some balls and asked why I was being ghosted. She finally responded saying “Because you are ill-tempered and thus incapable of communicating your hurt without being hurtful or catty to other people. This is my experience of you and I would rather not deal with that kind of energy”

(ROW OF SHOCKED EMOJIS AND SIDE EYE)

(THIIIIIIS BITCH)

I’ll admit that I was shocked and I wanted to further engage in the conversation but then it HIT me, she was right. In this specific scenario I was the poison. I had been a dick to her and she didn’t want to deal with me which was super fair. Did I agree with her a hundred percent, no not at all (let’s say vehemently disagree because I’m fucking awesome) but that didn’t matter because for her she had decided and she had cut me off.

I’ve seen that meme all over the socials about how if I’m the poison in your life don’t feel bad about cutting me off, we are grown and self care is important and blah blah blah….ABSOLUTE SHIYYYYTE! That shit hurts. It hurts, you will feel blindsided especially if you thought the issue was resolved. You may or may not get mad and you might want to act in the exact way that you got cut off in the first place. And that is EXACTLY what I did…..I totally did. I let my lil ill-tempered ass get to work. She clearly hadn’t thought it was of any value to notify me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and I wasn’t about to beg another woman like she gives me rounds. If I hadn’t apologised sincerely more than once I would get it but alas we were here now and a bitch got pride. After she gave me the answer I needed I also ghosted her. Then proceeded to delete her off ALL social media, whatsapp groups, deleted the reminder for her little birthday… I was all DELETE, no pause!

The deleting was definitely a knee jerk reaction. However I am NOT willing to swallow my pride and go back to talking to her about it because I am the POISON. It doesn’t mean I should just lay down and die. What exactly would I be trying to negotiate there???? I’ll tell you what, NOTHING!!!! Not one thing because she doesn’t want my friendship and that’s not a bad thing at all. Effectively, this person just said she wants nothing to do with me and that means everything relating to our former friendship had to change. I couldn’t be the only one in it and by keeping her number and keeping her on social media was just that. It’s a break up, break ups suck but they also teach you things. I am ill-tempered and don’t communicate well when I’m hurt.…BUT WHO DOES??? How many people can say at the height of experiencing the emotions that come with betrayal or an invasion of their privacy they will talk in a calm rational and thoughtful manner?  I can’t say that for myself. In fact the person who can communicate their hurt that way, I’d like to meet. I’d like to shake their hand, sponsor their life and follow them like people used to follow The Grateful Dead….. (And I’m serious!) As for being catty…shiiiiiit….I wrote that book, wrote the movie adaptation, executive produced the sound track and there is talk of a theater production. Yes, YES, YES she was right.

It takes a minuet for you to realise that your feelings are making you act a certain way. That certain way might make you not to be the most gracious human being. That said that text made me feel like I hadn’t grown, changed or learnt anything since. She drew a conclusion and it was a fair one because that was her experience. I don’t have to like it for it to be true. I am NOW not quick to be a dick but that doesn’t mean irrevocable damage wasn’t already done. I don’t dispute that at all and nor do I wanna change her mind. I’m only human and I made a mistakes. Just because you apologise it doesn’t mean the other person is obligated to accept your apology. Not only that, they are not obligated to try grow through something with you. They don’t owe you anything….(let that sink in, lets also repeat it for the people who read and don’t absorb immediately…..NO ONE OWES YOU A DAMN THING!)

Now rudely awoken to my toxic traits I am obligated to do better. My problem is/was that I need to use my words better at all times, especially when I’m upset. It’s not fair to lash out but it’s also impossible to gauge how you will react when your privacy is invaded or you feel betrayed. We all have knee jerk reactions and sometimes it hurts the people around us. BUT!!!!!!!! And this is a big BUTT… I mean stripper from Atlanta round and brown big. You are HUMAN!!! You will make mistakes and if you don’t grow from them then you deserve to be cut off and then cut off again coz you know better but don’t do better.

Someone can experience you in a certain phase of your life and assume that’s who you are. That’s who you were at that moment maybe when you aren’t heated you aren’t that person. That doesn’t matter. How many of us go back to the stove to get burnt some more after having been burnt? You won’t go back to get brunt again, but you still need to use the stove to cook. You just now need to be more careful. It’s crazy and irrational to think someone would see poisonous traits in you and stick around to see IF you change. There is no guarantee that once the issue has been raised and apologies exchanged that you will change. If they don’t give you the chance to show them you have changed, you aren’t their lover and even if you were they have every right to still leave you if you are not fulfilling your mandate. Don’t be selfish enough to think anyone is obligated to put up with your torture.

Torture yourself and let the rest of us LIVE!!! That said in this situation since I am the poison I have to understand that I was the weakest link. Even though I felt slated because in her other friendships she had given chances and let others change and grow to be better. In our situation maybe she reached her breaking point quicker or our friendship wasn’t that important to her such that we could try work through things. I’ve decided to KTSE( Keep The Same Energy). If you don’t want to try with me I’m not going to try convince you I am worth it. I already know I am (wow that whole paragraph sounds so defensive….oh well)

At this point It’s not about loses and gains, it’s all about peace of mind. Lola did what she had to do. By asking and her telling me she is done with me, it gave me what I needed too. I’m solid right now. I absolutely prefer this to the purgatory of a one side friendship. I know better now and my intension is to always be cognisant of the way I deliver a message even when I’m hurt. You have been cut off for a reason and that reason should be a starting point for you being a better human being.

At the time of writing this I hadn’t seen her in a LONG LONG time. When I finally did, I was with a mutual friend and I avoided her like the plague. If I saw her left, I went right, like I was playing ‘you can’t catch me’ and that was the ill-tempered petty in me…I feel fine about it because it’s good to know we are nothing to each other. I am also grateful she showed me that I need to do better and I intend to do so.

[isaacathom]

why do i keep going w this stuff dude

like what id have to do to justify what happened to the travelling partner is.... like... itd be a character thing. youd have the Survivor right there, and his personality would already establish he’d be capable of nasty shit (mostly because he literally does nasty shit during the story, yknow). but the hunters have to characterised as able to do it posthumously, which is difficult, because typically shit gets rose tinted. there’d be few people who’d be willing to say bad shit about a dead person. though its possible we’d get that insight from the people the Woman befriends, as they’re unlikely to be super close to the hunters (or theyd be keeping distance) and it means theyve got distance and more objectivity about their actions.

then i have to decide why. like, whhyyyyy? why do it. why do that. why attack an exhausted woman and kill her while her friend watches? a personal ‘quirk’? did she say something? did they do something and she reacted negatively? what happened. theres a couple of possibilities which i guess ill detail for future/current pickings

- ~just a prank~. possibly some sort of stupid action involving hurting the woman that went too far and resulted in her death? difficult to justify, but if the hunters are young enough or established to be immature enough, it could work. maybe the idea was that theyd injure her and then bandage her up and bring her back to the village, like they wanted? kinda fucked up but this is also Murder so i guess fair game

- more nasty shit. like, yknow.... assault? pretty young ladies wandering the forests, shit gets nasty, eeeewwwww. i dont want it, but it could explain stuff. itd especially help explain why the Survivor would hide the body, beyond the obvious. kinda gross, kinda dont want it because of my personal preferences, but it COULD work

- genuine accident. itd make it less questionable, but itd also ruin the idea that the Woman acted out of ‘self defence’ if it was an accident. shit gets rough and goes too far? like they push the girl around and she trips and hits her head? but again, ruins the narrative if harm wasnt intended. harm has to be intended to the girl in order to justify the Woman’s actions

- honestly dunno. to keep her quiet? like, the idea here is that the hunters are doing Bad Shit, possibly the above or something not directly related to the women, that they end up bearing witness too. like, illegal shit. or just very damning stuff, character wise. such as. idk.... honestly dont know. maybe something related to status? burying something they stole? it could work that way. Then the idea is that the girl is specifically outspoken in calling out and not taking their bullshit excuses, and the hunters decide to keep her quiet, resulting in her death while her friend (the Woman) watches in fucking disbelief. itd be interesting if the hunters had committed a crime that led them to commit that crime, yknow?

thats about it. ofc it needs a lot of though. i think the accident angle is out, though an aspect of it can be included in others, especially for some characters. for instance the Survivor, who was clearly not strictly involved, hence him being spared. he was complicit, hundo percent, but he could easily see the whole thing as a tragic accident. perspective and stuff. i think the Prank is also out because thats fucking stupid. leaving Gross Nasties and Covering Up.

both could easily justify the Womans actions, i feel. Nasties would be her friend being yucked while the woman is prevented from intervening, and when the yuck goes too far and the woman’s friend dies, she flips (understandably). and in that context, the argument can also be made for them possibly doing the same to her, yknow. that’d play in.

cover up would be the two of them coming across something suspect that the hunters have done/are doing, and the woman’s friend being attacked for witness. in that, the woman would be simply held down quietly because shes a much more quiet character and would submit quickly to prevent danger, while her friend would refuse despite her exhaustion. so then the hunters would pull their weapons to force her to submit, and then it goes too far (theres the accident angle) and the woman flips. and again, the aspect of whether or not after essentially torturing her friend, whether theyd do the same to her. 

i think Cover Up might be easier to spin w/ murder, as itd be easier to prove. as in, the woman’s body would show clear signs of this, bloodstained gashes in clothes and shit. whereas Nasties could be a little harder to prove as murder, since, well, i know exactly what Nasty im thinking of and idk how long that sort of evidence would last in a ditch. i mean, there shit down there that at least partially preserves her, but STILL.

the issue w/ Cover Up is that i need to work out what started it. as in, what the hunters were doing. like, theyre out hunting, yea, but what are they hiding? it has to be something worth killing over. it cant be too petty. its not another murder, thats for sure. a theft? a theft of a valuable item? either personal or general monetary. but it also couldnt be TOO important, because then theyd look harder for it. though, if it IS valuable, would they go looking in a ditch? probably not. cause the idea is that they were gonna bury it, right. but with the whole murder thing, the Survivor is disposing of evidence. chuck the body, chuck the goods, they arent worth it now, clitter clatter crack. plus, the idea is that the Survivor is more a lookout than actually perpetrating anything. still a cunt, but a lesser cunt. hes not invested in it personally, more on his friends’ behalf, and his friends are dead, so what does it matter? down the ditch, clitter clatter crack.

that could work. it could even explain how they finally find the body in the ditch - the body was more carefully disposed of, and the goods were just chucked. one of them missed, or remained closer to the surface, buried lightly under leaves and dirt until its found. meaning multiple goods. could work. what they actually stole isnt the important part, though - just the fact its worth killing a complete stranger for. OOH! oh fuck i had an idea. ok keep Cover Up as an idea but heres a second idea.

Robbery. they were robbing the two of them. theyre foreigners, a long way way from home, and well dressed beyond dirt and grime. maybe they were carrying something valuable, or valuable enough. nice jewellery, that sorta thing. the hunters, encountering this well dressed tired duo in the woods, offer to take them back to the village, but instead take them further with the intend to rob and kill. make the death look like an accident, claim they discovered the poor women, or just dispose of the bodies and sell the goods on the down low with no questions asked. both good. the former has the accident angle in, too, both deliberate and in how it ended up being incriminating.

so the women get taken further into the woods, and then the friend realises this, she makes a break for it. the Woman is quickly held so she cant flee, because she didnt react fast enough, and the girl is tackled to the ground and held down. the man holding the Woman quickly rifles through her pockets for her goods while she looks on in terror, as the other hunters hold her friend down and forcefully keep her quiet while robbing her too. ofc, as i said earlier, the friend is a lot louder and ‘feistier’ than the Woman, and shes not gonna let them rob her blind without a fucking fight. kick, scream, bite. eventually they start pulling weapons and threatening her with them, and its at this point that the Survivor starts having second doubts. this is when he steps back. he was probably gleefully robbing her, taking off jewellery and stuff, but oh shit, oh dear, oh god, this is going far. but, ofc, the friend isnt letting weapons stop her, until it HAS to stop her, because they start like. cutting and stabbing her. The Woman screams, the Survivor cries out, and thats the point where locals start going ‘hmm did you hear that martha? sounded like screams’ ‘i bet its just the boys being silly’

of course the screams will quickly escalate when the friend stops. brief silence as she stops struggling and screaming. the hunters proceed to rob her blind and gloat as the Survivor cautiously moves in closer. ‘You.... you killed her??????????’

crack. foosh. scchrrk. hunters dead, survivor yelling in terror, the Woman screaming in rage before running further into the woods. Survivor checks his friends, works out fairly quickly its too late, and proceeds to dump the body and clumsily toss the goods before starting to head back to the village, trying to carry one of his less-injured-but-still-totally-dead friends. open shut.

fuck. that works well. and its make the survivor at least a lil sympathetic while still being a cunt. a young man out of his depth, surrounded by older friends with more force. the thing is that its not premeditated. they didnt plan this encounter. they decided to go with it. so the Survivor is similarly trapped in it and mostly non complicit. he starts helping rob the friend because his friends say so. ofc, that doesnt excuse the fact that once everything is said and done, he disposes of the body and the evidence of their crime, and frames it all on a woman they attacked. perjury and shit. broke the law. cause like, yea, hes doing it to help his friends, but his friends ARE dead, nothing is actually keeping him there, because he checked on his friends before disposing of evidence. still a cunt, yknow.

this works. i like this. well, ok, i dont, its fucking murder, but narratively i mean, i dig the shit out of this idea, make the hunters actual criminals here. means the posthumous establishment of character has to establish their forcefulness and violence.

another thing - how many hunters? based on the scene above, at least 3. one to hold the Woman, one to hold the friend, and another to rifle her pockets. the Survivor helps to rifle pockets, but hes separate. thats 4 guys overall. that seems a fair amount for a hunting party. fuck. this is good. i like this. initially, in the dreams and shit, there were 4 dead hunters, but 3 works just as well and makes less work for me as a writer. i like this a lot.